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98. Didn't Realize How Many Times I'd Started Over
78 Plays6 days ago
Have you ever looked back at your life and realized you didn’t have one fresh start; you had several? And most of them were a lot messier than you expected?
We often imagine starting over as one defining moment: the breakup, the divorce, the move, or the career change. But sometimes starting over happens again and again, with each new chapter taking away another piece of the life and identity you once knew.
In this episode, we reflect on the many fresh starts that shaped my life, from losing a best friendship and changing careers, to navigating divorce, moving across the country alone, stepping away from corporate life, experiencing betrayal, facing loneliness, returning to work, and finally learning to stop running from your own truth.
This is an honest conversation about losing your identity and trying to find it again, living in survival mode, rebuilding self-trust, finding faith, and realizing that starting over does not mean returning to the beginning.
If your life feels completely off-plot from the story you thought you would be living, this episode is a reminder that even the messiest chapters can still be leading somewhere.
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Transcript
Multiple Fresh Starts in Life
00:00:36
Heather Morgan
Have you ever looked back at your life and realized you didn't just have one fresh start? You had like 10. I think we hear starting over and we imagine one big moment, the breakup, the divorce, losing the job, moving across the country, starting over.
00:00:55
Heather Morgan
But that's not what always happens. And that's not what happened to me. Looking back, I don't think I started over once. I think I had to start over again and again and again.
00:01:07
Heather Morgan
And every time Those new beginnings were preparing me for the version of myself I would eventually become.
00:01:18
Heather Morgan
Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here. here I want to talk to you today about the truth of starting over because so many of us have these moments in our lives where it's a brand new start. We feel like we're starting over, whether that's a breakup and we got our first new apartment on our own, whether that's a divorce that we're going through and our life just doesn't look like we thought it would be.
00:01:52
Heather Morgan
or whether that's leaving a job you thought you'd stay at because you cannot do it anymore. There's so many moments where you're like, what is my life going to look like now that I don't have this version of me?
Personal Experiences and Identity Changes
00:02:07
Heather Morgan
And I've talked a lot about how your identity gets impacted with divorce, but also with everything, career changes, friend groups, people leaving, like moving, all of that is wrapped up in who you've been and then it's taken away.
00:02:27
Heather Morgan
and I thought that it would be helpful to kind of unpack looking back at all of the times where everything was starting over for me. Because I had mentioned in something that it feels like I've started over for like the sixth time and I'm just learning all these new things. And and someone asked, well, was it that many times? And I kind of started unpacking all of the things that And all of the times where I felt like I'm starting over again and again and again, and especially someone who had such a similar life for so long, lived in the same place for so long, had the same friends for so long, to be doing this as a grown woman you know and starting over this much, like I never in a million years would have thought that would be my story.
00:03:21
Heather Morgan
And so I want to take you back with me to like the first crack of when that all happened and we can kind of like play through how the starting over journey really happens. And I've mentioned this before, but i i don't really think that my starting over stories began with my divorce.
00:03:41
Heather Morgan
When I look back now, I see a lot of things orchestrating all together, but one of which was And if you've listened to earlier episodes, you might recall like a little before my divorce, I think it was maybe a year, i stopped having my best friend in my life. We had a falling out and the person that was like my best friend for all these years, like family, basically like a
Major Life Upheavals
00:04:10
Heather Morgan
sister to me. I talked to her every day and that friendship had dissolved. And
00:04:18
Heather Morgan
I didn't realize, I mean, obviously it was like heartbreaking and and difficult to navigate, you know, going from talking to someone every day to not talking at all. And I know that people have brought up like divorces like that. They're like, oh my gosh, don't own my person anymore. But friendship breakups can be just as hard.
00:04:36
Heather Morgan
And that's what that was for me. and And looking back now, it was just... It was really loosening my grip on the version of myself that I had been for so many years when that friendship ended.
00:04:52
Heather Morgan
and then... Fast forward, you know, about maybe not even a year later, i end up leaving the company, the corporate company I'd worked at for over a decade.
00:05:07
Heather Morgan
And I was going to take a new opportunity at this other Fortune 500 company, and like learning kind of a new industry, a little bit similar, but totally different than what I'd done before in a lot of ways. And I was like going to feel like the new kid in town. You know, I knew everyone so well at the other organization. i knew the culture. i had just been there. People knew me. I knew who to reach out to and all these cases. And then I'm going to this new space.
00:05:37
Heather Morgan
So in the middle of me and this new corporate career that I'm starting, actually pretty early on, Then i'm trying to figure out who I am professionally, right?
00:05:49
Heather Morgan
And then that's when my personal life completely unravels and the divorce enters. And the separation happens. And here I am trying to put my best foot forward.
00:06:02
Heather Morgan
i'm i I actually got like a quick promotion in this new company. And I'm trying to take on this new role, hugely expanded role while I'm going through a separation and my whole life is crumbling. And it's just so many things. I literally felt like it was just losing the future. I thought I'd already had planned, but I just had to move through it.
00:06:25
Heather Morgan
And then i did something that still feels crazy when I say it out loud. I decided that I'm moving across the country alone. And I map dotted a place outside of Nashville that I was moving to that I didn't know anyone.
00:06:39
Heather Morgan
And it hadn't even been to Tennessee at the time that I said that I wanted to move there. And I'm sure you know the story if you've listened early on. I touched down. after I got off the plane and I knew Tennessee was where I had to be. But when I actually, and it, but it was months and months and months from when I visited, i think the first time in August to not moving there until the following February and,
00:07:07
Heather Morgan
or end of February. And i tell you all this because I remember I, I got there. So I'm here. I am in an Airbnb. I don't even have anything put together. I have an Airbnb in East Nashville. And I remember just walking down the street, walking the dog in East Nashville like, what are you doing?
00:07:34
Heather Morgan
Like literally, what are you doing? You've got 15 more days in this Airbnb. you had another You got another one lined up, thankfully. But like, what are we doing here?
00:07:46
Heather Morgan
And you're just completely alone. And we don't even know how this is all going to pan out. And I remember just thinking like, I can't tell anyone. And not because i don't have I didn't have supportive people in my life. It was just like, I felt like I had to act brave.
00:08:03
Heather Morgan
And I felt like I had to
00:08:06
Heather Morgan
not show that I didn't know what I was doing because I chose this. And so i just I just had to figure it out. Here you
Feeling Lost After New Beginnings
00:08:13
Heather Morgan
go. This is your choice. And i don't think I wanted to show how scared I actually was. i think every time I heard people like, oh, you're so brave, I just wanted to be like, I'm not that brave. Like, no. but like And it wasn't really setting in that it was brave.
00:08:29
Heather Morgan
All that was happening is that I felt like life life was I don't know, just brand new. And I just had to figure it out. It was a lot of survival mode, if I'm honest.
00:08:45
Heather Morgan
And so as I'm lost in this mess, not feeling like I can really share with anyone how much it felt to just start over. And it's like so crazy because I remember in those first three months, so lost, so messy, all the things happening. And then I finally decide i find a house and I'm like, okay, I'm planning my roots here. I'm going to, I'm buying this house. I'm going to start fresh. I'm going to be grounded. Here we go.
00:09:17
Heather Morgan
And so I buy this house. I love it. I know it's where I'm supposed to be. And from the outside, it probably looked like I had finally settled down. Like, okay, she's planting roots.
00:09:29
Heather Morgan
I'm thinking, okay, this is all going just fall into place. But the truth is i had an address, but I didn't find home yet.
00:09:38
Heather Morgan
I was so lost and lonely. I remember not even, and the house was so empty. Obviously I brought, like I had nothing. You don't realize how much you left behind until you try to fill a house and you don't even have silverware. You know what i mean? There's so many things. And i I think I wanted to avoid the fact that I was really starting over because when you realize you have nothing, you're like, oh, you know, like it's crazy now, even when I'm sitting in my house to look at it and know that like I pretty much put together all every piece of furniture in this thing because there was nothing.
00:10:21
Heather Morgan
And it's crazy because so i I get the home and I think, okay, here's my fresh start, right? Like, and I'm so blessed for that. And I'm so grateful for having that home base. But then it still wasn't like, oh, now it's just all working out because I hadn't healed enough.
00:10:43
Heather Morgan
So I was just like, I'm in my fun, new, messy era. And I'm just going out in Nashville all the time. I'm trying everything. I'm meeting people. I'm just staying busy. I'm really just enjoying the magic that is Nashville.
00:11:00
Heather Morgan
It was, ah i wish I could experience it that way again when I, that I first moved here because I just, I have remember telling one of my buddies, there was, ah there's always things going on in Nashville and I just have FOMO if I wasn't doing something, which I'd never been that kind of a person. And it's funny because now i I don't have that at all. My friends are like, and I'm like, I'm good. but And I'll tell the story to get there, right? But in this moment, messy Heather is like, oh my gosh, I want to go to this show. I want to go to this concert. I want to go to this. I got to go do all these things. And I realized now I was just like, I just did not want to sit with my thoughts, my emotions, whatever. So yeah, it seemed like I'd planted roots, but really i was just staying messy.
00:11:42
Heather Morgan
And looking back, I don't think I was having the time of my life. I think I was trying really hard not to sit still.
00:11:50
Heather Morgan
I'm not saying I didn't have fun because I did but I also saw a lot of who I was and who I wasn't in that journey.
00:12:03
Heather Morgan
And I think some moments felt like this isn't me, but I just thought, well, I don't know who I am anymore.
00:12:10
Heather Morgan
And when you don't know who you are, you make decisions you wouldn't normally make. Because you're like, well, I don't even know. It's almost like you're playing a character in life. If you your identity is kind of like this character, you're like, okay, I'm the kind of person that does this and does this and does this. It's like, okay, let me program to that person and be that person and show up like they do. But when everything is in your identity is ripped away, you're not a wife, you're not this, you're not that. Then all of a sudden it's like, oh, I don't even know who I am.
00:12:44
Heather Morgan
And so it was just me surviving on five hours of sleep in Nashville, trying to outrun the fact that I used to be somebody's wife.
Reflection and Starting a Podcast
00:12:53
Heather Morgan
And then to just add to the mess of the starting over in the middle of this, I got a house, I'm going out in Nashville, fast forward form or forward into four months later, i decide I'm taking a sabbatical.
00:13:10
Heather Morgan
Was it my well thought out choice? Probably not. But my nervous system, and I know this now, but I didn't realize at the time was like absolutely wrecked.
00:13:24
Heather Morgan
And I've mentioned that before, but I was just like burnt out, overworked, throwing myself into work, just making that my identity because I lost the one of a as a wife and I lost the one with my friends and living in Utah. And so I was balancing going out and working and doing way too much work at three in the morning because I i just
00:13:52
Heather Morgan
wasn't managing my time or my life in any kind of structured way. And so there I am taking a sabbatical, left corporate. I have this freedom, but freedom without direction isn't always peaceful.
00:14:11
Heather Morgan
I was just trying to navigate. I was staying afloat, doing some consulting. I loved having the flexibility, but you kind of feel restless in it.
00:14:23
Heather Morgan
And obviously I'm so glad for that because that's when the podcast was born and I wouldn't be able to share these messages and stories with the people I feel like need to hear it if I didn't get that download on the drive to that TEDx talk to start the podcast. So there were times that I thought, I can't believe you were so reckless because it was so far from who I would have been in my old life. Like I would have never left my career without all my ducks in a row in my old previous life.
00:14:58
Heather Morgan
But this version of me that didn't know who she was did.
00:15:03
Heather Morgan
So though I was starting over, I was also just taking away even more of my identity and everything I've ever been. It was just like more things, more layers were just leaving me.
00:15:17
Heather Morgan
And then in all this wild mess and it' in starting the podcast, and I've talked about this before, my brilliant idea, I text mess messaged the podcast to a way too many, well, not too many people. I hope every single one of them listened, but um I text the podcast out and to a guy I'd met for like an hour, and that man ended up being my boyfriend for three months, the only relationship I've had since my divorce. And it's I bring it up because it was another piece of my starting over journey because it was –
00:15:48
Heather Morgan
Not really about him, you know, but what I realized looking back at it now is the relationship changed my life in a lot of ways in that moment because it interrupted the pattern I was looping, which was going out in Nashville all the time.
00:16:08
Heather Morgan
And so instead of me doing that all the time, now I, you know, this man I'm spending time with and he lives in Knoxville. So it's not like we're going out together in Nashville. Like I'm going to Knoxville and I'm staying with him for the weekend because, you know, it's a drive, like three and a half hours, I believe, and a time zone difference. But, um,
00:16:31
Heather Morgan
So I'm doing that and then he's coming here over the weekend, but he's not, you know, so we're not, I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not going, i kind of, for those three months of that relationship, I wasn't going out with my friends. I was saying no to going to things. I was, i remember one time i had, we were out at Red Door after something and it was, it was early in the night I wasn't drinking or anything. And then my buddy's like, I was like, yeah, I'm going to get out of here. And he's like, oh, you really like this guy. And it's funny because it was like, I don't even know if it was about him. I think it was about, I was falling back into the familiar of my old life of like, I wouldn't be doing that if I was in a, in a relationship, like in a partnership.
00:17:16
Heather Morgan
I wouldn't have a need to be – I'm not saying I only was out late for like someone else, but I'm just saying when you – like, to you know, it was a fun season, but I i lost that. I realized, yeah, I'm not really
00:17:30
Heather Morgan
the girl that's just out at 3 a.m. at Red Door every time. Like, I don't need to do that anymore. And so I'm so thankful for that relationship because that disrupted that pattern.
00:17:44
Heather Morgan
And that version of me that was just trying to stay so busy
00:17:48
Heather Morgan
kind of removed herself and she remembered what it felt like to just be with someone and kind of do that. And it it did feel like going back into a marriage. And, and again, I think that was probably part of why our relationship was like that. And the long distance caused us to spend a lot of time. And I'm on a sabbatical at this time too. So, you know, I had spent like a week just at his house while he's going to work and I'm there and I'm writing and I'm doing things. And, um,
00:18:15
Heather Morgan
You know, it it did feel like doing life with someone for a little bit. And if you want to listen back to episode 70, you can see how that all ends. But it it was meant to, you know, and I'm grateful for it.
Returning to Structure
00:18:30
Heather Morgan
But then after that, so then it's like I go from – out in Nashville on my sabbatical to having this relationship.
00:18:38
Heather Morgan
And then I get out of that relationship and I don't want to go back into being the messy girl all the time. Like there's parts of me that's still like, it's fun, but it it's like, it doesn't feel like who I am. Now I remembered that version of me in a relationship again. And it was like, oh, I don't hate this.
00:18:57
Heather Morgan
I know he's not the one for me, but that
00:19:01
Heather Morgan
felt good for someone to look at me the way that he did in the beginning and to kind of share thoughts with someone that way. And all those things kind of came back.
00:19:16
Heather Morgan
And then that's when the loneliness kind of hit. And not lonely because I was seeking another person, just lonely because I'm like, okay, I'm not the messy version of myself anymore.
00:19:28
Heather Morgan
I'm no longer in a relationship. And I'm still on this sabbatical. Like, what am I doing?
00:19:38
Heather Morgan
And i i didn't know.
00:19:42
Heather Morgan
I didn't want the life going out every weekend anymore, but I didn't know what I wanted instead. And that's a lonely place to be.
00:19:53
Heather Morgan
And so a few fast forward to a few months after that, by the grace of God, I got a really good opportunity to actually go back to the company and that I had left And rejoin the corporate world, which kind of seemed a little like I didn't know that I ever wanted to go back. But part of my soul was like, I think this is the right move. I miss the structure of this.
00:20:24
Heather Morgan
I miss a lot of things about that. And I feel like this is where we're going to go. And i think I was just really craving structure.
00:20:37
Heather Morgan
after all the chaos, which ironic. The irony of it is that I left it because it felt like so much pressure. But then when you have all this time, you're just like, I think I need the structure. And so it was just such an interesting like way for me to really feel all of the different ways that is life. like It's kind of like that idea that you want what you can't have.
00:21:04
Heather Morgan
you know, whatever you think you want once you get it. i think I've quoted this before that that line, when i I'm on the road missing home, I'm missing home on the road.
00:21:17
Heather Morgan
And it's like, no matter what, there's always a piece of you that can kind of like miss a part of something that you once had. So I go back to corporate.
00:21:30
Heather Morgan
Look at that. And ah the why was really, you know, it just felt like the aligned fit with what they were needing me to do. And I knew I could add value and that was important to me.
00:21:43
Heather Morgan
And then it was like the routine, the structure, the consistency. And not like that. I didn't think it would fix everything, but I, I needed something that was solid in my life.
00:21:56
Heather Morgan
Right. So then on paper, it probably looked like my life was getting a little better, but inside i still had absolutely no idea who was becoming, but I was rolling with it.
00:22:11
Heather Morgan
And then i think one of the biggest turning points is I start that that job at like the end of that year. i think, what are we at? 2024.
00:22:23
Heather Morgan
And twenty twenty four and I started at the end of 2024. 2025 was probably like the loneliest year of my life. I was traveling a lot for work and I was busy with that, but I didn't really have the structure I had wanted, right? I had consistency with the corporate job, but I was traveling a lot for it. I was still just trying to figure things out. I was honestly, that was probably one of...
00:22:58
Heather Morgan
Weirdly, because it came a few years after the divorce, like, right, I moved to Nashville 2023. And now ah here we are in 2025. And I'm, I'm finally like sitting with all of my emotions and dealing with it. I'm not being messy. I'm not dating. I didn't go on a single date all of 2025. I wasn't talking to anyone. Like I wasn't even, I literally was work,
00:23:28
Heather Morgan
The corporate job, the podcast, and writing, and my own self-reflection. A lot, a lot of inner work. Unpacking everything about my life. And and can I tell you, that is probably one of the hardest things that you'll ever do is to sit with yourself and unpack all of the things that have held you back from becoming the person you want to be and having the life you want to have and honestly asking yourself Why you've made certain decisions not to shame yourself just to understand them To be like what what are we trying to avoid? What are we trying to what do we need to heal?
00:24:09
Heather Morgan
and I know if you've listened to the podcast for a while, you've heard a lot of different versions of me. The grieving version, the lonely version, the messy version, the girl trying to build a brand new life, the one wandering around in Nashville wondering what the heck she's doing, and the one trying to stay busy because sitting still just felt unbearable.
Spiritual Awakening and Embracing Change
00:24:38
Heather Morgan
and the one trying to figure out who she was after losing everything she thought her life would be. and even if you choose it, that doesn't make it easy to digest.
00:24:53
Heather Morgan
Because you feel that future leaving every fiber of your body. You're like, that's not my life anymore. It's like, poof, it's gone.
00:25:05
Heather Morgan
And I like to think of it like we ask for things in our life, but doesn't mean when we get them it's going to be easy.
00:25:13
Heather Morgan
And that's why often when we want a bigger life, we have to make sure that we're the person that can hold that because it is going to come with challenges.
00:25:24
Heather Morgan
And that's exactly what happened. I sat with myself And all of those pieces of me.
00:25:35
Heather Morgan
And then i hit one of the lowest points in my life.
00:25:42
Heather Morgan
And I remember the day I recorded the episode that I kind of spoke about it. And it was one I didn't want to record and it wasn't a planned episode to record because i i I didn't really want to talk about that day, but I did because i couldn't talk about something that didn't feel genuine to myself. And I remember um the episode is, if your life if life has hit you hard, number 65, this one's for you.
00:26:25
Heather Morgan
and Guys, when I tell you that
00:26:31
Heather Morgan
hitting that lowest point where you're just like, i cannot keep avoiding the things that I am, it was – I mean, that episode –
00:26:45
Heather Morgan
I want to take myself back there, and but I've done so much healing. But in that low moment is like truly the part where i
00:26:54
Heather Morgan
met God.
00:26:56
Heather Morgan
And it's not that my circumstances changed overnight,
00:27:01
Heather Morgan
but something shifted in me.
00:27:05
Heather Morgan
And for the first time, I stopped believing that I had to carry everything by myself.
00:27:12
Heather Morgan
And I know everyone's journey is different. And I am never one to convince anyone to live a certain way if that's not what their soul is calling them to do at that moment in time.
00:27:29
Heather Morgan
But this is just to tell my truth that that found me when I needed it most.
00:27:36
Heather Morgan
And it really, not overnight, um there was so much building, so much so many questions, so many thoughts, so much that i
00:27:50
Heather Morgan
i just didn't know how to process what
00:27:55
Heather Morgan
Because I had spent all of my life trying to control everything myself. Trying to avoid
00:28:07
Heather Morgan
truths and not unpack everything out loud.
00:28:13
Heather Morgan
And I know that this podcast, it seems like I do, but there are so many things and this journey will not be ending anytime soon because there's so many things that I know you probably need to hear about my story that I still haven't even shared.
00:28:30
Heather Morgan
And not because I'm special, my story like that, but just because when we can see truths and hear truths in others that that show us, hey, I feel that too, it's just important to share that. So I know i share that because I want you to know you're not alone in what you're going through.
00:28:52
Heather Morgan
Because we all have these low points. We all try to, all ah at some point another, we all try to run away from our truth.
00:29:00
Heather Morgan
I have yet to meet a person and whether or not you admit it or not is different. But I've not met many people that are willing to absolutely face all of their truths because it's not easy to look at the mirror and say, I need to look at that more.
00:29:19
Heather Morgan
that That could be a me thing.
00:29:22
Heather Morgan
And when we call ourselves to wanting a different life, it it it just takes being being a different person, making different choices,
00:29:35
Heather Morgan
not running from what we know we need to do and actually doing it. And i wish that wasn't the answer I've told you before. I tried every cheat code way we could possibly get there, but it is all in the
00:29:51
Heather Morgan
process and that's how we learn
00:29:55
Heather Morgan
and when I look back now i don't know that I started over six different times seven eight when I was counting I think I've become several different versions of myself and
00:30:12
Heather Morgan
all at the times that I needed to be that person. And if you feel this, I don't want you to look back in shame. Like I can't believe I was that person. I'm so shameful. Let that go, babe.
00:30:25
Heather Morgan
Because you were doing the best you could with who you were in that moment of time.
00:30:35
Heather Morgan
And sometimes that's all we got. Because every single version of me taught me something that the previous version couldn't.
00:30:44
Heather Morgan
And every version of me let go of something that I thought I'd always have.
00:30:52
Heather Morgan
And there's strength in that. Because when you show yourself you can get on the other side of letting go of something you thought you'd always have and show, hey I'm safe.
00:31:04
Heather Morgan
Was it sunshine and rainbows the whole time? No. But did I survive? Here I am.
00:31:12
Heather Morgan
And I know now every version of me made room for the next one.
00:31:17
Heather Morgan
It's almost like those building blocks, right? It's like you can't just leap to the top. You've got to take the journey.
00:31:25
Heather Morgan
And starting over is like that. You're not starting over from the beginning. You're not rolling down the mountain. You're starting over just on another path to the version of you that you're meant to be, the next version.
00:31:43
Heather Morgan
So if you're in a season where it feels like you're starting over again, maybe this isn't another interruption to your life. Maybe it's an invitation.
00:31:56
Heather Morgan
Because one day you'll look back and realize this wasn't the chapter that broke your story. It was the chapter that quietly introduced you to the person you were always being.
00:32:11
Heather Morgan
meant to become.
00:32:14
Heather Morgan
Thank you for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.