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Jelly Belly Jared
46 Plays10 months ago
(Not on mushrooms for this)
https://www.reddit.com/r/dudesrus/
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Transcript
Intro and Humor
00:00:03
Speaker
Happy national prayer day. Stay prayed up. God bless you. Please carry the American economy for me because I got a waking sick today. I got full 45 minutes of sleep this afternoon, but I still only managed 85 extra sketches. Tough one. I'm going to need some help. Mm. Oh. Oh, that's good. Hey.
Controversial Opinions on Race and Education
00:00:32
Speaker
Oh, what's that, that Dr. Pelle book? Hmm, that's that Dr. Pelle book. Black people can't be anti-Semitic, we are Jew. You understand what I'm saying? We are Jew. So cool, so cool. Until you do your facts, until you really do the facts of the fake indoctrination that y'all put into the schools and all that, you know what I'm saying? We not following y'all rules.
00:01:03
Speaker
Snag. I'm a snag. I'm a snag. I'm a snag. I'm a snag.
Ideal Cars and Bizarre Ideas
00:01:16
Speaker
Gas mileage. If the world was all perfect, we'd all drive onto CRVs. Trust me, mark my word. My guess is, because it's black, it's definitely a guy's car. He didn't buy the fancy stuff, he's practical. My guess is, he's chewy. But I could be wrong, but I'm probably not. Solid waste. Solid waste, perfect.
00:01:31
Speaker
definitely jewish i don't know what's going on in boston every two seconds i end up in the tunnel like what the hell
00:01:54
Speaker
Um, I think since female milk is better for us than cow's milk, that we should farm a bunch of females for the milk, and then we have to milk them and I'll do the milking. Just saying.
00:02:13
Speaker
Many people have been commenting about the fact that I am barefooted in some of my videos or photographs, but they seem to think that it's funny or unusual, but why are people focusing so much on my feet anyway? What's the big deal? It's been a while since I last posted. I got a cheeseburger salad. It's a good cluster over there.
Podcast Promotion and Influencer Criticism
00:03:01
Speaker
Welcome to Dudes R Us. Please review and subscribe to the podcast. We love you and care about you, please think we are funny.
00:03:09
Speaker
This one is for all the six foot retarded guys out there. Shout out to you. Enjoy the episode. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Let's go. That's the last for the trail mix. Eat one more handful of trail mix. Make sure you get some dried amamis in there. Allegedly. Trademark copyright.
00:03:38
Speaker
Uh, we told you two episodes ago. It's just going to be us opening different bags. That is true. We gave this one. You want to know how embarrassingly few jelly beans there are in this four pound bag of jelly beans I got like two weeks ago. Figure that one out. What kind of what kind of flavors are there in there?
00:04:05
Speaker
It was the one that's green, but it's actually a watermelon. Yeah, this was this was the Costco bag from the Jelly Belly bag from Costco. So it's got 49 flavors. Jelly beans, highlights, red apple, sour cherry. Worst one in the bag, juicy pear.
00:04:35
Speaker
Not the root beer one. No root beer is fine. I don't even mind the popcorn one. Genuinely juicy pear is inedible. It tastes like poison. What about the bright orange one? What is that one? Orange flavored or pear grapefruit flavored? Cantaloupe flavored? Cream soda and its orange one.
00:04:58
Speaker
Those are fine. There's really only one I hate and that's juicy pear. I will eat every other one. I don't love the banana flavored one. There's a fucking. It's like a. Berry berry smoothie one that's gross, but like edible, like it's not worth picking out the juicy pear. I will not eat their fucking vile. I don't know what like pears taste fine. I like pears.
00:05:27
Speaker
Juicy pear jelly bean. It's like cilantro and a wet vacuum cleaner had a kid. I think I know what one you're talking about. So yeah, I've eaten all but like, call it 50, you know, 64 ounce bag. Proud of myself. Which ones did you leave, pull out the flavors?
00:05:56
Speaker
I mean, it's not that I'm not planning on eating these. I mean, it's genuinely a spicy red one. Yeah, there's a couple of spicy red ones. There's genuinely half of what's left are juicy pear and they will not get eaten. There's a couple of blue ones, like light blue ones, I think are probably blueberry or berry blue.
00:06:18
Speaker
I see one peach in there. I see a, what is the black and white one? Cappuccino. Yeah. I fucking left that one behind. I don't need that in my life. Strawberry cheesecake. What is that one? Strawberry daiquiri. There's one of those bunch of yellow ones. I don't know what any of the yellow ones are. And that's part of the problem. It's like, is it going to be fucking lemon or is it pina colada or is it pineapple?
00:06:47
Speaker
Those ones are, I don't know. Pineapple's a tough flavor to replicate on anything. Yeah. And I don't think you can actually use real pineapple in those because it doesn't really work that way. Pineapple's like a bitch to try to make into a gel. Jelly beans just suck in general. Come on, dude. The bad. So the thing I like about
00:07:13
Speaker
Uh, like getting a bag of jelly beans, for instance, if you're like in a candy mood is you get a whole bunch of different flavors. I don't really, I, that's like, you probably also like saltwater Daffy. I don't really, it's not wanting anything I would like seek out. If I were like at, I don't fucking know, like, uh,
00:07:35
Speaker
saltwater taffy factory. I don't know why I would be there, but like, you know, sometimes there's like a bowl or like, or like your weird, like distant aunt sends it at Christmas for the family and you're like, well, it's here. I'm going to eat it. I'll eat it. Yeah. I just like that you get, you know, you get a normal sized bag of jelly beans, but there's like 25 different flavors of things in it. Not all winners, but get variety.
00:08:06
Speaker
What is your go-to bag, Pobs, if you're like, you got a candy, feeding for some candy or at the, I mean, first of all, jelly beans is not my go-to bag, but you're at the convenience store. What do you get? Are we talking any candy or are we just talking like gummies? No, anything that's, you know, anything that's normally at a gas station or whatever. Like, don't be like this Japanese slime candy. Nope, I would go either Haribo gummy bears,
00:08:36
Speaker
Just the regular ones or the sour ones? Just the regular ones. Okay. Zing nuts. Now caramelos. Caramelos. I don't even know if they've had that. What is, is that just chocolate and caramel? Yeah. It's really good. They're like little squares of Cadbury chocolate that are filled in the middle with caramel.
00:09:02
Speaker
There's no other bullshit. There's no like new getter or like no key in it. That's dope. It's so good bro. Put them in the fridge. Uh, what would, what's yours Aiden? With what? With candy you're getting from the gas station or whatever. Oh, or you know, those dove milk chocolate things that individually wrapped pieces of dove. They have like a feminine inspirational quote in the wrapper. Yep.
00:09:25
Speaker
Yeah, those aren't bad. One time an Indian guy walked into my hotel room and I was just crushing those. Was that in Pittsburgh? That's right. I remember the story. Uber for Paul? I was just sitting there eating chocolate and all of a sudden I hear the door start opening and I'm fucking sitting there in my boxers just eating chocolate. Have you seen the internship ever?
00:09:53
Speaker
Yes. The guy that yells at them all the time. That's who I'm picturing in my head. The internship guy who yells at them all the time. Bro, we were both just befuddled. My guy was like, what are you doing? Why are you here? And I was like, why are you in my room? He's like, I've got the key. And I was like, yeah, I'm fucking in here, though. What do you mean?
00:10:20
Speaker
So you're not my NBA and my underwear, bro. What's going on? You're not my grinder hookup. I'm here to build your website. Then I went to the desk and I was like, Hey, a guy just walked into my room. And they're like, what do you mean? I'm like, you gave somebody a key card to my room.
00:10:42
Speaker
Wait, that guy didn't immediately go to the front desk. No, we both did. We both. Okay. That'd be hilarious. They're like, we haven't checked anybody else in the past two days. Now they tried to pull some shit like they're like, Oh, you're in the wrong room. I'm like, you gave me a fucking key for the room. What do you mean? I'm in the wrong room. That is like a hilarious position to take to be like, Oh, you know, you're not supposed to be in room 201. And you'd be like, Oh, then you're saying that the key cards in his hotel open any room.
00:11:11
Speaker
So I'm saying, I'm like, you gave me the key card to that room and I was in there and then you gave it to fucking Mohammed, too. Oh, my God. Probably more like, you know, seems probably like fucking Rachete to Brian or something normal. Ravi Vikram. In any case, though. I was like, damn, this is crazy. Thank God I wasn't just like fucking sitting there naked.
00:11:42
Speaker
I'm just cranking your hog. That honestly would have been a power move. Should I just walk in? Don't stop. Completely naked. You're just lying on your belly at the end of the bed. Watching TV. Hey, what's up, dude? You like NBA? The Cavs are playing the Clippers tonight. I'm on my 24th hour of fucking ridiculousness.
00:12:12
Speaker
Rob Dyrdek's been on one. You guys saw that video, essentially, where he's just doing his podcast? Yep. What's up with that, dude? He's like, every hour is something I schedule. What type of famous do you get? What do you have to do that? I think it's like that was probably him before he was famous, too. Yeah, that guy's got autism for sure. You see people like that and you're like, and you're like, fuck, you know, like,
00:12:40
Speaker
Like Gary Vee is a piece of shit, but you like watch those videos and you're like, is this what it is? It's actually what it takes. Do I just have to be like an insufferably scheduled out person to be successful in life? No, Gary Vee.
00:12:59
Speaker
You, uh, that's tough to explain. I would just, I would not follow, but I would, I would look up Gary V G R Y V E E on Instagram and just watch like five minutes worth of his videos and you'll get a pretty good idea. He's like just a motivational speaker, you know, like people who, people who are rich,
00:13:24
Speaker
And, but their job is telling other people how to be rich. So it's like, you know, there's a scam happening right now because if you, if I were just, you know, like if I were, if I had cracked a code on something and I was making money, I would just go enjoy my life and my money. I wouldn't then try to start a business where I teach other people how to do it. Like that's insane. It's an insane way to use your time and your wealth.
00:13:50
Speaker
So you know he's like, the product he's selling, the product he's selling is a scam, is like a pyramid scheme of, you know, this is, your life could be like mine if you just follow what I'm saying, and by the way, buy my stuff. But I mean, he did get rich, but he's like,
00:14:12
Speaker
behind the scenes life or that Miami dolphins coach guy. And you're like, I am, there's no universe where I care about anything enough to wake up at 3 AM every day. Oh, I know. McDonald's. Yeah. Like fuck. Just to not, just to not win Super Bowls. You do that. You do that every day to not win.
00:14:35
Speaker
Dude, Rob Dyrdek, every day is something he's like, every day, it's, you know, I do with my wife Tuesday, sushi day, Thursdays, fucking whatever, we do this Saturday, we go out, I'm like, dude, your wife hates you. You have to do, you have to make her a different, like, vacation week every week of just living. Can you just have a normal life? Then I bet he gets, I have a, I don't really, not really a friend anymore. I had a friend like that who,
00:15:04
Speaker
like when we were in high school like sophomores in high school I just found a notebook of his and like whatever asshole like opened it up and started reading it and realized he planned his days out to the 15 minute increment and it would be like holy shit when he was going to take a piss like 15 minutes free thought time like like
00:15:26
Speaker
hour and a half playing video games and it was like it's not we were sophomores in high school nothing we did mattered but it was just like a control thing for him uh and if you and then once so even worse once i figured that out i like told our other friends and i was like hey this is funny like let's mess with him and like break his schedule and he got he gets like so upset if
00:15:51
Speaker
you break the schedule. Like we realized that really quick. It'd be like, you know, like we would talk about, we were going to do something and then we would intentionally be like, actually, you know what, let's not go to that restaurant. Let's go to this one. And how much it upset him to have to break the schedule. He wrote, uh, that's part of the reason we went down a road where we're not friends anymore, but
00:16:12
Speaker
Yeah. I bet Rob Dyrdek's the same way. If you're like, if his wife's like, you know what? I, can we not do suit? Can we do Italian today? And he's like, no, it's sushi Tuesday. Exactly. I think he says he doesn't even, he never makes food because it takes hours out of his life. What a boss.
00:16:33
Speaker
I mean, he can afford it. I like to cook. So like if I were rich, I'd probably still cook for fun a little bit, but it is nice to just be able to be like, yeah, okay. Yeah, no, I'm okay. I'm okay. What's the last meal your roommate made? Well, I don't, I don't pay attention to him when he's cooking. I think he made pasta last night. He does the, like I said, he does the meal prep thing. So there's a whole bunch of Tupperwares or like a Pyrex Tupperwares of,
00:17:03
Speaker
Uh, just cooked pasta in the fridge. If you took one, would he notice? Yeah, but he wouldn't say anything. That's awesome. I mean, I think we just have the arrangement where I'm paying more of a bigger percentage of the rent so I can kind of do whatever I want. Do you guys have any shared snacks in the house?
00:17:32
Speaker
Not. I mean, if I go to Costco and get like one of those like 48 packs of of. Like Spindrift or something like. We're both one cans out of that. OK, like implied shared snacks. I'm not in the same way if I if he. If I had bought whatever.
00:17:56
Speaker
a thing, I don't even buy snacks. If I bought like a box of cookies and noticed cookies were missing, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't bring it up and I wouldn't care. Okay, I would. Don't try fucking food, you freeloading piece of shit. I mean, I guess it's like for, you know, from 18 to
00:18:17
Speaker
31 I lived with at least off. Yeah. Get your own three or four other people you just even get a wife. I did live with a Steven he had cross eyes. Yeah, get your own fucking food googly eyes. Do you ever hit him with that? Steven get a fucking life.
00:18:38
Speaker
No, that dude was weird. So I moved into this apartment. This was my first apartment out of college. My first apartment out of college dorms. And it was like a mutual or it was a friend of mine from high school. She was living there with a bunch of other people and they had like an open room and I was like, Oh, so I moved in there and he was like one of the roommates and we were all 19 and he was almost 30. And like,
00:19:08
Speaker
Yeah, he had the ding eyes. He was just like a violently alcoholic dude. Like he would just come home like. And just be like standing in the kitchen, like continuing to drink, just standing there almost incoherent and his eyes and obviously his eyes get worse when he's drunk, so you just have no idea what's going on. He was like the roommate that had just a.
00:19:35
Speaker
like a futon mattress on the floor, one sheet, and like no possessions. He just had like a trash bag full of clothes. Like he made rent every time. We assumed he was like maybe like a male prostitute or a drug dealer, but like that was all he owned. Never specifically referenced what his job was and just was like constantly drunk. Crazy dude. Steven.
00:20:07
Speaker
It's a good way to live. He ran a Gora marketplace. I would be extremely curious. I mean, I don't actually care at this point, but he like would lie and say he worked at a thrift store, but then would never, we were like, Oh, I mean, we're like college kids would be like, Oh, like, which one will come visit you at work? And he'd be like, Oh no, you wouldn't know it. Or like, it's in, it's far away. And you'd be like, it's not far away. You don't have a car.
00:20:33
Speaker
Um, so we knew that was a lie, but like at some point there's no point in prodding at a lie because you're just going to make the person lie more. So what we all, or at least my assumption is we all just took it at face value, but clearly he was up to something else. Okay. Yeah. Um, you ever just wake up and you're like, fuck, why do I have a roommate?
00:21:00
Speaker
Hold on. I mean, I don't even have to. I mean, we've talked about this before. Like it's it's worth. I mean, there's some degree of it that I'm like saving money versus a mortgage. But then the other piece is like that owns something. But yeah, like all the time. What am I doing? We're just wonder about people that meal prep to. Like how do you eat the same food every day?
00:21:25
Speaker
Uh, yeah. I mean, I'm even bad when I like, what about like chicken thighs to make something last week or what last weekend. And it was like, uh, or no chicken legs. And it was like, uh, I could only get it in like a five pack. And so I made two of them and now I'm like, three more of these. I have to find a way to eat before they go bad. They're all freeze them and then they'll just live in the freezer until I move out. What's your freezer looking like right now?
00:21:55
Speaker
So I did a couple of weeks. No, this is probably a couple of months ago. Actually, I purged it and just like the fan in the back of the freezer that like moves cold air to the refrigerator part was making this buzzing noise. And I work from home. So yes. So I jammed a chopstick into it and broke it and then made the. So this is.
00:22:24
Speaker
I told the maintenance about it and they came in and quote unquote fixed it which was just him taking the cover off like tightening a screw putting the cover back on and then telling me it was fixed and then the next day it happened again so or the buzzing came back and I was like I'm not playing tag with this like this is
00:22:46
Speaker
So I just jammed a chopstick into the vent and broke the fan and then told them it was broken and they got us a new fridge. But when they got us a new fridge, I had to clear everything out of the old one. And so I threw away everything in the freezer. So we're like pretty fresh start. We're like two months into hoarding frozen meats that will never get eaten. There's like a three pack of ground.
00:23:07
Speaker
Uh, ground wagyu from Costco. There's three, there's three chicken thighs. I don't know why you would grind it. It's such a ridiculous product, but it was a Costco and it was cheap. So why not? Um, there's those three chicken thighs. There's a, there's a quart container of shrimp.
00:23:27
Speaker
um there's like a bag of you know like stir-fry veg frozen like carrot cubes horns whatever like mixed vegetables there's a frozen jar of cannabis grapeseed oil whoa a bunch of nips okay probably like 10 nips that might be it there's like oh and there's like a frozen
00:23:51
Speaker
Or there's like a tub of, uh, not whey protein. It's some powder, some powder. My roommate puts this in his drink. What's the difference of a burrito? What's the difference? I guess like a small burrito. What's a chimichanga and the difference of that? Chimichanga is fried burrito. Just deep fried. Yeah. So you get the tortilla like a crispy tortilla chip consistency. Okay. Okay.
00:24:21
Speaker
Yeah. Chim chimichang chim chimichang chimichanga. What's that? Classic mad TV sketch back when you could just be extremely racist on TV. It was like a Caesar Chavez sketch. And they had this guy named Pepe singing a song about chimichangas. You can order 72. And it was like. Go ahead. Oh, no, he was just like bribing. Was that mad TV?
00:24:52
Speaker
Yeah, I think it was. It was like a worker or it was a. They were not a bribing migrant workers into working using Jimmy Chang's. That was like 90s mad TV. Anyway, you can get a what pack of. Sorry, my mind wandered. You can get 72 burritos for 130 bucks burritos or burrito wrappers burritos made.
00:25:22
Speaker
Chicken beans, rice, cheese, rice, chili, chili. What is this, from like a restaurant supply store? They are, yes. Nice. That's the way to go. That's how we made it through COVID. Is that how you made it through COVID? No, but like,
00:25:46
Speaker
Uh, when, when all that shit was going down, they were making us like stockpile supplies and we had to meet these quotas. Like the company was like sending a thing to fill out that you had to like have a certain amount of gloves and a certain amount of everything. And like, obviously Uline was sold out and all the like convenience stores or like CVSs were sold out, but we had a, cause we had a cafe in the building. We had a membership to.
00:26:14
Speaker
restaurant supply depot and they you could just buy like a you know gallon jug of Hand sanitizer and stuff and they were in stock the whole time. It was crazy. Damn gloves Masks all that all the shit we needed that was just normal restaurant stuff right like they have all that pee pee anyway The pee pee pee pee pee in your clam chowder
00:26:47
Speaker
That was a odd thing of your roommate heating up a soup on a saute pan the other day on fucking presidents. I think he's on presidents day. Like, like, I mean, you and I both had to work. So I'm and I was like the normal people get that off in at least in the Northeast. I was talking to my friends in Florida. My like corporate friends in Florida were like, that's not really a thing down here. Um,
00:27:14
Speaker
But everyone like I went to the I went to the brewery slash slash or bar pizza place Sunday night and everyone was like going super late. And I was like, what the fuck, guys? And they were like, they're like, oh, it's a holiday. And I was like, oh, none of you have to work tomorrow. And they're all just in like sales and like management and shit.
00:27:39
Speaker
So but anyway, so and he's in he's in like he's an engineer. He works like a manufacturing company and they had it off. But yeah, I mean his day off like I'm going to get up at 8 a.m. I'm going to put on.
00:27:52
Speaker
jeans. I know. I noticed that too. And I'm going to make, I'm going to make clam shatter in a frying pan and then, and like a 4,000 cat, like the tub, like a, you know, like a half gallon tub. And just that'll be breakfast. I was, I was, I called them out on it. I was like, dude, do you need me to call like suicide prevention or something? Call on a pizza for you, man.
00:28:19
Speaker
wild, wild choice. Domino's pizza form saves his life. It's just an interesting food guy. I don't know. That's fucking weird. I don't get it. I mean, I, I would say for the last
00:28:37
Speaker
Probably three months. He has eaten two slices of pizza from Whole Foods for dinner. Okay. Four or five nights a week for the last one. Oh, okay. That's where you went wrong. Like, that's just like, I don't care. I just need, I just need matter in me to, so that I don't die, but I don't really care what it is. Was it just cheese pizza? I don't know. I think it's two cheese slices. Yeah.
00:29:07
Speaker
Uh-oh. What happened, Paul? Just not that bad. Fitting that vape. Four month old vape. No, I, uh, just, I don't know what that was. I have those sometimes. A little bit of spit got in the old gullet. A little bit of spit, just like, yeah. We told you that vape's not safe, guys. Vape is not safe. Don't vape. Vapes are good for you. You gotta just roll up a blunt.
00:29:37
Speaker
Yeah. Make a roll of spliff. Inhale a cigar. You know what I had? I had those banana backwoods. Okay. I've been holding on to them for years. You're supposed to do that. Well, it's just, I realized that I don't smoke blunts after I bought them. So I just lit one up one day just to see what it was like. It's terrible. Just terrible. That was the, uh,
00:30:09
Speaker
Second highest voted. On our Reddit survey was. Do you wash your. Want wraps and they and. What two people said only if they're backwards. Did you wash it before you smoked it? Yeah, that's a question. Then rerolled it, smoked it. Just chief and some tobacco. Let the golf course just fucking have that in your mouth, cutting some lawns.
00:30:40
Speaker
Is it allowed if you're cutting, could you just have a cigarette in your mouth? Nah, it's not supposed to. Could you have a Stogie? Not supposed to. But you could. What if you were always, what if you were always had one in your mouth, like always a cigar in your mouth and you're chewing on it? You were like an old, like an ex Russian military guy? If you weren't smoking on it and you were just chewing on it, it's fine. Guy Fieri at the All-Star game, he had just chewing on one at the sideline.
00:31:10
Speaker
Cause people chew dip all day. So there's no rules against that. Who would ever do that? Oh dude. I had a coffee flavored Zen the other day at bowling. Oh my God. Thing was good. Made me get all sweaty. Had you like, was the room spinning around you? Were you locked in?
00:31:34
Speaker
Was it a scene in things like yeah, it was nicotine caffeine don't really do a whole lot to me. You just swallow it the whole time. Yep. Well, what was I gonna do is spit it on the bowling lane? Yeah, dude spit that out. Yeah. It's just nicotine. It's just a little nicotine pouch. That's good for you. That's fine. I mean, as we've discussed, there's nothing
00:32:02
Speaker
There's nothing in Zinn that could possibly harm you. I don't know what it was. I got all sweaty because I crushed a coffee on the way there. Then basically got there a couple of minutes late through in the Zinn and immediately started bowling. This music went on in your head as soon as this didn't hit your lips. It's fucking bowl time. I still had to wear my glasses. I had run out of contacts. I was wearing glasses. It was terrible. Give me that dollar. Give me that.
00:32:34
Speaker
Give me that. How we doing on that? How was your last round? Not bad, but because I was the highest in the handicap pool, I got a dollar. Fucking huge, dude. Fuck Rob Rob. Take that, motherfucker. Yeah, Rob Rob. Dude, Rob Rob doesn't even bowl in our league, though. He's out. He's just a straight weirdo.
00:33:04
Speaker
Dude, we got to get that 3v3 going on Call of Duty. Yep. That's a clutch game. That's playing terrible today before Pawn. I might play a round after this. I might see how the war's going out there. Try to put my effort in. Yep. Help get him.
00:33:33
Speaker
help win whatever it is for whoever. So what's the 3v3, man? I haven't played it yet. I think it was called what I say face off. Yeah. I think I don't I don't really know what it is. Like what the like pretense of it is. I'm assuming it's just three team 3v3 teams. Probably have to like I don't know.
00:34:02
Speaker
Let's do some dumb thing. Paul, what's your plans after the podcast? I don't have any. Whoa. I can play some god if you want. You guys want to play a round of face off? Yep, let's do it. We're doing it. Give it a shot. You heard it here first, folks. We're fighting. We're going to end the war. Um.
00:34:32
Speaker
We all cosplay as Ukrainian soldiers. We all get dressed up. Yeah, we're all half, half uniforms are on. Stolen Valor. Not stolen Valor. Paying for that war. Personally, I am. Ooh, that looks like a wedding invitation. What?
00:34:59
Speaker
Do you have the thing where the USPS emails you a picture of the mail you're getting? Yep. Oh yeah. I got that thing. Um, a letter for me from Santa Clarita, California, and it's not the, it's like, you know, like card sized and it's in my name and address are printed. It looks very formal.
00:35:30
Speaker
Anyway, Jared, it's Steve. Oh, I always, I always wanted to tell you you're gay. You're gay. Ha ha.
00:35:49
Speaker
Oh, what if it was one of those ones that you open in it and it talks? It's like a recorded message. It's all those ones that you open and just sprays confetti everywhere in your house. Glitter. Why don't you just be like a fucking credit card application for an Amex or something? That's probably what it is. OK, you don't need to flex on everybody, Jared.
00:36:17
Speaker
Yeah, MX wants me so bad. 800 800. No way. Oh, yeah. Jesus, good for you. Okay, 100. Two or three weeks ago, I've been like, literally, they just they edge you. I was teetering at 799 for six months. Changed nothing. And then it was they were like, Okay, you can you can have 800 now.
00:36:46
Speaker
Where do you go from now? Where do you go from here? I don't know where you max out. 8.50, 8.30? No, I think you max out of watching your roommate make claimed chatter on his stove. Yeah, that's true. My life is over. Everything was not worth it. What'd you guys think of the Trump shoes? They're too, too far up the ankle.
00:37:15
Speaker
There's otherwise though. Oh, there is. There's like four. There's like four designs. Those are good. They got other ones that are like the Adidas sock shoes bought out immediately. I mean, you got to figure if if they went on, I mean, they probably did just naturally sell out because there's a there's a bunch of
00:37:37
Speaker
dumb people out there. And then there's like dumb people who love him. And then there's also dumb people who would, you know, are buying it to like try to flip them for a profit, which good luck with that. But you also got to figure if they did open it and like in the first day they hadn't sold out, they would have just bought them themselves to, to like manufacture the idea of scarcity. What about if think about how much money you'd make if he just got like
00:38:07
Speaker
a part of every single thing that said Trump on it. You've got what a part of it. Yeah. If like every Trump flag or sign you saw, he like gets a part of, he gets like a piece of the profits. Cause it's like, Oh, I mean, I think on to some extent that's probably true. That's why I like so rich. Yeah. Just off probably is pretty rich. Um, yeah. I mean,
00:38:38
Speaker
And like something like that, what he sells a thousand pairs of or 4,000 pairs of shoes at $400 each. Just making a cool two mil. Do you think rich people like that even have a credit score? I mean, does it matter? Like, isn't he, isn't he like on trial rate or was on trial in New York for basically just like lying about
00:39:04
Speaker
how big his apartment was. That's not even really something you can lie about. That's on a blueprint somewhere where somebody's like, oh, how big is your apartment? And he was like, it's 300,000 square feet. And they're like, really? Because we've seen all of it. And I'm only measuring 125,000 square feet. And he's like, there's two floors. You didn't count. We can't go there, though. And they were just like, well, you're rich. Why would you lie about that? And just agreed with him.
00:39:34
Speaker
Dude, that's so him. So I think that's probably true when you're rich. People are just kind of like, I don't know. If I say, if I, you know, if I say no, he's going to be mad, mad, rich people can get you fired. He would fire. That's the guy who would fire you. That's the guy who would. Maybe if he likes me, he'll, I can somehow be rich too.
00:40:02
Speaker
Maybe we can be friends and he'll take me to the Epstein Island with him. Oh, I did see that video of the people in China paying with their palms. Yeah, dude. That's not good. That's what Elon Musk is doing over here. You can do that at Whole Foods now.
00:40:24
Speaker
Man got some good conspiracy theories for you guys. Here we go. Let's hear it. This is that's I'm I'm ready. I'm locked in and ready for this We'll start off with a little a light one They think that the Vegas shooter was not using an AR because it sounds different AR or the bump stock they think that he was using a belt-fed M1 a to forum to a whatever fucking belt-fed machine gun and
00:40:51
Speaker
So I mean, I heard that it's it's compelling if. I mean, you got to figure like the guns can have mods on them or like a bunch of different things, but like the guy who did the like comparison of the audio versus like firing the gun and was like the timing doesn't match up. Compelling. I mean, compelling if true. What does it prove? I don't know.
00:41:20
Speaker
Say the conspiracy again. So they said that he was using a AR-15 with a bump stock on it. Who was this? The guy who shot up the concert in Las Vegas. Oh, Steven Paddock. Yeah, man. You got to use him by your kid. Just say the guy. Steve Paddock, dude. He's got a name. So then they said he's using a machine gun. A belt-fed machine gun, yeah. Why didn't they find it? With a bump stock.
00:41:48
Speaker
Well, that's the thing is they're saying it was like a false flag, right? Like they use that as a reason to ban bump stocks on AR 15, trying to get rid of AR 15s, which you also being, you know, I think he had like a hundred guns up there probably using them all. Yeah. I mean, there's, I'm not saying either situation would be right, but you could also imagine, like, I think it's a further leap of,
00:42:17
Speaker
um like being stupid to think like oh they would have they would have orchestrated a mass shooting in las vegas in order to get bump stocks banned versus saying a mass shooting in vegas happened and some politicians were like can any good if any good could come out of this maybe we could get bump stocks banned and somebody would be like well he wasn't even using a bump stock and they were like well can we just tell everyone he was
00:42:44
Speaker
Like I'm not saying that's right. I'm not saying that's a right thing to do, but that's more, that's more logical than thinking that like a conspiracy happened to murder a bunch of people. All right. Next one. Is this the, uh, Harrisburg to Boston alien? Uh, no, but I had, so I have three.
00:43:08
Speaker
This one, this next one is that the, um, nuclear missile test was shot and then a UFO shot the nuclear tip off the missile. Oh yeah. I heard about this. I don't really know other than literally that setup. I don't know any more than that. That's really why I want to, but that's, that's what they're saying. So do you think it's an D I mean,
00:43:38
Speaker
Do you think because I guess, again, the more logical argument would be that there's like a sophisticated anti nuclear weapon system out there. And maybe it went like a rye. Yeah, maybe.
00:44:00
Speaker
Like the government already has a way to intercept intercontinental ICBMs. There must just be that, like over America, certainly. That system would have just been like, oops, it wasn't supposed to activate right now. But it did, and we can't admit that we have it, so we have to be like, ooh, I don't know. There's that one, and then this is the juicy one, right?
00:44:30
Speaker
So apparently there's been a, uh, large uptick in Chinese national migrants coming to America illegally. Yep. Just with all these other, uh, South American migrants with their coming in through the Southern border. Correct. Chinese people, Chinese people confirm the Northern border. Okay. And, uh, then they're using.
00:45:02
Speaker
Maybe I'm getting two things mixed up. All right. So there's a huge influx of Chinese nationals. It's like something like 30,000 people in the last month have immigrated in. In 2020, in 2020, there were 2,126
00:45:20
Speaker
uh, Chinese nationals illegally attempting apprehended by border patrol in 2023, there was 24,314. So almost a 10 fold increase. Interesting. And that's apprehended at the border. So you figure some got through anyway. Second part of this is that China is buying up large swaths of land of farm land next to American military bases in America. Okay. So they're saying like, why are we letting
00:45:51
Speaker
Potential enemy by land right next to first of all farmland and then land right next to military installations That's the big one right now, that's the one that's got all the right-wing conspiracy tards going crazy interesting Because it's a double banger it's a triple banger it's China. It's illegal immigration and it's US military It's got all three
00:46:23
Speaker
Experts sound alarm over China buying us land near military bases China has increased their holdings of farmlands In America by 1000% this is from oh, this is from a year ago It was probably worse now About 400,000 acres of US farmland near our military installations claims Nikki Haley backchecker org says it's
00:46:54
Speaker
Uh, I'm not reading this whole thing. That one's interesting. That one's like a, I like the ones that are more like, you know, that's like Tom Clancy shit where you're like, Ooh, there's some like large coordinated espionage happening. I like that. China owns 380,000 acres of land in the US. Oh, that's from 2021.
00:47:23
Speaker
So if it was 400,000 last year and then you've got Scott Tucker Carlson going to Russia and talking about how great the grocery stores are. That was retarded. Fucking dude is like, Oh man, we bought all this shit for a hundred dollars and $400 in America.
00:47:49
Speaker
I don't think it was like the average wage of a fucking like normal Russian peasant. Well, the other so the so the I mean, that part is is yes. The other part of it that is absurd is so that you would you would look at that and say in America, these groceries would have cost four hundred dollars. But here but in Russia, there are only one hundred and he blames it on like
00:48:16
Speaker
I don't know, like woke politicians. Like the reason groceries are expensive is because books about gay people are in libraries. It's not an inherent flaw of capitalism where like everything in America is designed to take money from us. That is not possible. That couldn't be the answer is that like,
00:48:42
Speaker
Anytime the middle class gains wages, which happened post COVID when no one was willing to work and people had to raise salaries to attract people to work. And we went from an $8 minimum wage to a $15 minimum wage. And so they just commensurately made everything more expensive to take away that wage gain that everyone made. That couldn't be what's going on.
00:49:05
Speaker
Because that's a product of capitalism. It's because, you know, drag queens read books at libraries sometimes. All the time. Yeah, that was fucking ridiculous. But that's also some Tom Clancy shit, because you're like,
00:49:29
Speaker
Putin was probably like, Hey man, look at my, look at how I take care of my friends. Like you want to be an oligarch someday. You want to be an oligarch in the new world. You remember when we, uh, that Reddit post of his hand size got taken down immediately? He has a, he had a statue with his hand prints and immediately was taken off Reddit when they posted it. Yeah. Russian bots are out there, dude. Oh, big time. Big time.
00:50:01
Speaker
Big time. Just getting it from both sides. America. Would you go to Russia?
Travel Safety and Personal Experiences
00:50:10
Speaker
Would I go to Russia? Yeah, I'd go. Okay. I mean, what are they going to do? Like I've, you know, I'm sure there's like stuff that you read about or that you can read about like traveling safely in Russia. But like me, a guy who runs a, the most successful podcast on the internet and also
00:50:30
Speaker
You know other than that like what is what does Russia care to do with me? Like I don't know when John Oliver went there they were like he was like they definitely bugged my hotel room like I was definitely being followed by KGB but like that makes sense he's like a comedian slash
00:50:54
Speaker
kind of journalist, updated KB KB KB org chart. Um, so I think you just go there assuming like, Hey, anything I search on the internet is going to be, you know, intercepted. Anything I, anything I say on the phone is like, my phone's probably wiretapped. My hotel room's probably bug. Just assume any of those things. And then like, who cares?
00:51:20
Speaker
Don't go there and do anything that like you couldn't live with a recording of being on the internet. But do you think if you fly into Russia, even just a normal US person, your odds of getting arrested for nothing are high? That's another one. I just think like you you would be extra careful. Like I would I.
00:51:40
Speaker
allegedly would fly with, you know, weed or shrooms or whatever, even to like Mexico or something that would never ever wouldn't even do. I mean, I would like search everything I was packing. Yeah. Just to make sure like there wasn't a roach in a pocket or like whatever. God, like Brittany Griner. Yeah, exactly. On piece of shit. I don't know. I mean, I guess take care of yourself.
00:52:07
Speaker
maybe that piece or like something could happen there. Like I'm sure if they want it, if it doesn't even matter if they wanted to like arrest you as a political prisoner, they could just have like thugs start a fight with you. You fight back, they arrest you and say that you were like the instigator. Like they could have, they would just do that. Right. That's true.
00:52:35
Speaker
So if, I mean, it's, if it's going to happen, it's going to, I mean, I don't have any reason to go to Russia, but if I did, I probably would be okay with it. Okay. Not for like a long time, a few days, a few days, see Moscow. Why not? Probably hit one of those Ukrainian hunter drones. And you'll be on YouTube having a grenade dropped onto you. I have to. Well,
00:53:06
Speaker
I have thought about that traveling. I mean, obviously not really like England or, but like traveling internationally and being like, what if you were in like Russia or Italy or whatever, when like war broke out or my friend was in my friend, the, actually those friends that I was telling you about who went to Tanzania with like the school supply thing. She, one of them was in, was in Greece when
00:53:36
Speaker
Like all the COVID shutdowns happened and she just got put in like a American, like an ex-paths, like, like, I've just got to the embassy and hope for the best. No, she got put in like a detention facility. What? They would not let, cause it was like COVID crazy shit, whatever. And she was an American and America wasn't doing like, she had just got there and like, they were like, wouldn't let her fly home.
00:54:05
Speaker
Couldn't go to a hotel or like anything like that. She was put in like a medical like detention facility for like, I mean, not like months or anything. I think it was like a few days, but she have Wi-Fi. Probably not. I don't know the entire time they were in Tanzania. They didn't text or send anything. So I think it's. That's hard.
The Value of Mission Trips
00:54:26
Speaker
I would never do a mission trip ever for anything. Fuck all that. Yeah, I told you guys that's your day working.
00:54:34
Speaker
No, that's not worth it. It's a lot. It just ain't worth it. People who tried to do like religious missions. So what are you doing? Oh, my, actually, um, if we ever have. Which TV slash shape handle back on, he did a, he built a, or helped build a church and bullies ones.
00:55:01
Speaker
He's going to be on. Well, what's he doing? Why is he doing that? So this was in high school, but yeah, I didn't mean if like he wouldn't want to. I just forgot to ask him. He's a nice guy. Yeah, I don't really remember why, but it was like through the church that his family went to. And I guess he I mean, he got he got to go to Belize for a couple of weeks. So that was cool. So he he believes in God.
00:55:31
Speaker
Hmm. No, I guess. No, we were. Get it. We were. I believe in God. Wait, say it again. So he went. Who did he go? What did he go for again with this church? Yeah. So he believes in God. It was on Epstein Island.
00:56:02
Speaker
uh multiple times every day he lives there still he's still he still has residency there this is a mailing address he's doing a resident uh comedy stand-up bit there Paul put something uh making put like a bag or something onto the mic
00:56:31
Speaker
The fuck is that? Are you wiping like a Sharpie on it? Is there an Indian man walking into your room? No, that was just my hand. Believe it or not, there's no Indian man walking into the room right now. Crazy to think. I'm your lift driver. What the hell? This is my hotel room. This is my house.
00:57:00
Speaker
like halfway through a bag of fucking dove chocolates drinking a chocolate milk. That's sitting in my underwear watching TV. Oh my God. Just walks in. I'm like, what are you doing? Lucky. He's lucky. Jesus Christ.
00:57:23
Speaker
Like you weren't standing your, your, uh, military Krav Maga training would have kicked in. I was lucky. I wasn't some fucking crazy person in person. Oh my gosh. Right. Well, that's actually happening.
00:57:41
Speaker
He might've been terrified from so much chocolate going on there. Terrorist, terrorist. Donald Trump saved me. I mean, also like he went back to Mumbai and was like, yeah. And they were like, how was your trip to Pittsburgh America? And he was like, yeah, the weirdest thing happened. The most American thing happened to me, which is I walked into a hotel room and there was just a fat white guy eating chocolate off his bare chest and chugging milk. Watching basketball. Don't forget about that.
00:58:12
Speaker
I didn't mean it rare times you watch basketball, huh, Paul? That's what I'm saying. I never watched basketball. It's because this is all that was on, dude. Fuck traveling. I don't miss that shit at all. I miss hanging out with the boys, but I don't miss just going to Pittsburgh by myself. Yeah. I agree. It is pretty sad. Well, nobody has to worry about that anymore.
00:58:42
Speaker
going there and just being like, man, this is weird. Man, I'm in the worst city in America. Better just get some chocolate milk. Chocolate milk. Staying in a pretty nice hotel. And there was just like a Pittsburgh homeless encampment right out there, like literally right outside. I mean, that's like every hotel.
00:59:10
Speaker
I pulled up to do the valet and I pulled up to like a tent city. Valet guy comes over and takes my keys and I had to step over some dude who's just taking a nap. I stayed at a nice hotel in Midtown Atlanta when I was there for Christmas. And you know that I like to like investigate the, you know, two or three block perimeter around my hotel and anywhere I'm staying.
00:59:39
Speaker
And so I get to the room and then I go for a walk around the area and it's just, it is just, it is the same shit. It's like a shanty town in like what would have been a, maybe a nice public park of just people like freaking out, just like nodding off. It was, it was, it was not a great look. And then I like,
01:00:09
Speaker
I told the person that I was hanging out with when he came to pick me up, I was like, I was like, I get the sense that I stayed in a bad area of Midtown and he was like, yeah, dude, I should have told you, like, you shouldn't leave your hotel. Like, you're in a horrible area right now. It feels like that's like true in a lot of cities, though, like the area, the like downtown area where all the hotels are is also like a. It's always like a shit place. Yeah, exactly.
01:00:39
Speaker
That's why you got to stay at the airport hotels, people. Nothing's going on at the airport hotels. True. When I stayed at those airport hotel, uh, man, the only weird thing that ever really happened was I went to the, uh, pizza hut and I was like, Oh, can I sit down and they go and know or take out only. And they had a whole dining room, but man, that's, you know, that's just COVID, COVID casualty. Hmm.
01:01:08
Speaker
Chili's to go only. That was probably like whoever had to go through my accounting things and I would turn in my receipts. It's probably like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Got like fucking $70 worth of of Pizza Hut one night. Approved. I mean, there were some of us that. Back in the day before. You know, everything got responsible
01:01:39
Speaker
Or like, you'd send in like a $1,200 bar tab. And granted, it was for like nine or 10 people, but you're still like, I never put anybody on it. I would just say it was me. Yeah, I mean, what difference does it make? I mean, I'm sure they assume like this person didn't drink. Oh, he's eating the jelly beans. 80 drinks. Oh, well, I certainly did eat $70 worth of pizza over the course of a day and a half, two days.
01:02:19
Speaker
All right. Place some face off guys. Great podcast. Thanks for listening everybody. Wait, we didn't talk about, um, we forgot to not sorry. It's called duty time. That's true. Yeah. We don't need that. I was like, Oh, it's nice when it's like an hour and 12 minutes, an hour's fine.
01:02:48
Speaker
You guys can listen to us on Call of Duty. Yeah. Stream on all platforms. Shout out to this prickly pear jelly beans. Oh, God, juicy pear. Fucking pear. Shout out to Morocco. OK.
01:03:21
Speaker
Bob's, you awake? Yeah, shout out to the guy who walked into my hotel room. All right. It's a podcast. Bye. Goodbye. Bye. Goodbye.
01:04:16
Speaker
We like, we like to want it