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00:00:01
Kamala Butt Crushed Me
107 Plays3 months ago
Suck it haterzZzzzzzz
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Transcript
Opening Remarks & Humor
00:00:00
Speaker
thanks i wanted he smoking us setting that shit yeah to be smoking us now Happy national prayer day. Stay prayed up. God bless you. Number one fragrance icon that follows the teachings of Jesus. Hello boss. I'm Mr. Big Luma Luma. Right in my house. Luma Luma house.
00:00:30
Speaker
Are you ready for a picture with me? Yes, let's do it. Let's do it. And tell me any fragrance you know.
Elon Musk & Personal Stories
00:00:42
Speaker
So now it's day, what's your time? Chugging your chicken, taking that slow so that you're never gonna fuck. Start working, build something for the future. Here's the green doughnut.
00:00:58
Speaker
They're delicious. And if you had one, you would want another one. Amen to that. You know these rolling rocks, man. Rolling rocks. Rolling rocks.
00:01:18
Speaker
Oh, two peas. You know two peas. So Elon called me. As you know, he endorsed me full-throated and great endorsement. You know, one of the haters was in my messages and they was asking for my permission to fight.
00:01:48
Speaker
Big Justice, we gotta go! I'm still eating my chicken bake!
00:01:54
Speaker
I just got a job at Papa John's and my aunt just threatened to not pick me up if I chose to work nights. That is so unfair.
Politics & Humor
00:02:16
Speaker
Hey, everybody. Welcome to Dudes R Us. We can't be stopped and will do anything for you. Please subscribe and join the Patreon so Jared does not die. We're back. We're back. Uh, three gays for Trump. The podcast episode, fifty nine episode Yep. It's gotta have been more than that, right? Let's see. Episode episode one hold die of three gays for Trump. Speaking of Trump, I saw someone wearing a, um,
00:02:53
Speaker
Like a Livestrong band, but it was a Trump band. Bring him back. It's all so gay. Twitter's intolerable now. 62. This is 63.
00:03:14
Speaker
Then they'll post pictures of like, you know, like people who put like flags on their trucks and stuff. driving down the highway and they're like, if why is nobody putting Kamala Harris flags on their truck? Like I'm supposed to believe that it's a close race when no one's driving a truck with a Kamala flag. And I'm like, I mean, Democrats are gay also, but ah in different ways.
00:03:45
Speaker
I have a giant Kamala Harris flag for my truck. I don't know what you're talking about. You're the only one. Just a huge one. Dude, you could probably get on like, uh, NBC if you did that.
LGBTQ+ Discussion & Humor
00:03:58
Speaker
Mine is just a ah beach towel. like We, uh, we have an interview tonight with a local gay man.
00:04:06
Speaker
ha He is the, he is the leader of white whites for white men for Trump or white men for Kamala. And your drive, what kind of truck do you drive, sir?
00:04:19
Speaker
yeah
00:04:23
Speaker
Definitely not a Honda Ridgeline. Yeah, he tries the Rivian. My damn Rivian's got a Kamala beach towel coming off the back of it to use for Kamala. I feel like that episode of South Park where he's doing the NASCAR race, he's like, well, that's some gay as hell.
00:04:49
Speaker
I got a Israel flag and a Kamala flag off my F-350. It's a diesel. Yeah. see If you just look behind the Ukrainian flag here. Yeah. I got four flags. Israel, Ukraine, Kamala. What's the, what would the, what would the fourth? Chick-fil-A.
00:05:14
Speaker
The rainbow flag, but the one with all the extra colors. Yeah. The, the black lives matter rainbow flag where it's just like a hard black line in there too. Then on my hood, I got, I got a, uh, an Olympics ah logo.
00:05:36
Speaker
What else would they have on that? A coexist, obviously bumper sticker somewhere. Probably.
00:05:43
Speaker
I don't think I really understand the pride flag that also has the black line on it. i mean was he like out of all but Like every single color on it. Yeah. Yeah. You don't see yeah you don't see white on there. i say i guess I guess what I'm trying to say is it seems weird to be like you like mixing your Yeah, they're like gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, black.
00:06:16
Speaker
yeah Black people are like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Leave me out of that. We get it, blacks. We get it. You weren't just like us. You were born like that. You can't do anything about it. You can't help who you love. Yeah.
00:06:35
Speaker
You can't help talking on a Bluetooth late at night at Home Depot, walking around when it's about to be closing time. I love, I love boys. You love fat white women. You can't help it. but
00:06:50
Speaker
Yes. Just like you like wearing business attire from the neck down to your slides. I love guys.
00:07:06
Speaker
I love guys butts and you love ah asking, hey, what's what's up with my tip on this?
00:07:20
Speaker
Yeah. Hey, let's get a hey if you're going to put a black line on there, we need ah at least like a tan and a white and like a another additional yellow line to You gotta encompass everybody. i thought well yeah Yeah, double yellow. Yeah, double double that fucking yellow line up. I mean, do gay people need like all seven colors? Could they just be like, all right, we're going to all just be red. Oh, I like that. Yeah, migrate to one color. Yeah, because that would be hilarious.
00:07:56
Speaker
every color on it now like you could like what can you even do to be like this is uh we were teal cyan yo yeah teal would be a good color for them secretaries yellow they could have yellow yellow yellow be a fine color griffin door we we want to in on this flag maroon gold Yeah, the Gryffindor colors.
Listener Shoutouts & Humor
00:08:29
Speaker
That'd be, yeah, pretty much. I am kind of a Gryffindor guy myself. You think so? No, I do have say, um, Voldemort's wand. So I guess I'm, I'm a Slytherin. Well, sotherin they definitely would party the hardest out of everybody in that school. Slytherins, you think?
00:08:54
Speaker
Yeah, Slytherin definitely more like classic party and Hufflepuff to me is more, you know, like ketamine. Oh, yes. The Hufflepuff definitely do fucking all the drugs. Yeah. Yeah. I think Gryffindor, I guess Gryffindor would be normal party or two, but probably more of the weed side of things. Yeah. A lot of drink. I think Gryffindor is probably get fucking drunk.
00:09:22
Speaker
Like Japanese business guy drunk. Yeah, they just pass there's pass out on them on the fucking sidewalk and people leave them there. Yeah, yeah.
00:09:36
Speaker
Hadoken! Shout out, hey, Jill. Shout out, Patrick C. Shout out, Blav. Shout out, everybody. Shout out, Patrick C. Shout out, Patrick C. I don't even think he listens to the podcast.
00:09:53
Speaker
negative shows on our discord yeah he's just like a full 40 he's a 40 hour a week discord member hell yeah out to that guy hank chill join the discord my guy you don't have to listen just from just give us five star ratings yeah yeah let's go patrick still trying to figure out how old patrick c is to be honest with you Yeah. You gotta, you gotta be more subtle, dude. You can't just be like in the middle of him talking about K holes, be like, or taking GHB to go to sleep. Be like, uh, by the way, how old are you? Yo, Patrick C ASL dude. I just got feeling i started to get the feeling that he was like 40.
00:10:35
Speaker
Definitely. But now that he's gone to house parties, I'm thinking maybe he's like 28. Yeah, he's breaking off. ah He's breaking off fucking pads of strips and pounds right now. My guy off a telegram.
00:10:54
Speaker
Just straight up dealing right with the cartel in the fucking shy town, bro, like a G shot out. Shout out to the big dog. That's why we like him.
00:11:06
Speaker
Yeah, morals. Shout out a little Wayne. I wonder if he knows the rapper, Rich Jones. Rich Jones. Who the fuck's that? He's he's he's a Chicago musician.
00:11:23
Speaker
Doesn't shout out. Shout out Rich Jones. Shout out to Hanks.
00:11:28
Speaker
Shout out my dude che Hanks today got a new house that he had like a, uh, uh, what's it? A, um, a priest walking around, just throwing holy water all over it. I mean, damn, that's next level. What are you going to just move into a house and have all the fucking evil that the people who live there before left bond?
00:11:48
Speaker
That's true. You might miss an area though. You might miss like a corner or something to the house and all your evil like shifts to that side. Yeah. You just, then you just have that weird closet. Yeah. Half of your living room is evil as hell. It's like, uh, when your dogs just kind of stare at like nothing and you're like, what are you, why are you fixated on, on like nothing in the middle of the room and you know, there's like a fucking demon there or something.
00:12:16
Speaker
The kids do that too, I fucking hate it. I'm like, what the fuck are you looking at? The fuck's your problem? Oh my god, we're at the, we're at the movies today.
Workplace Mishaps & Humor
00:12:27
Speaker
There was actually surprisingly like maybe like three other rows of people at the movie.
00:12:33
Speaker
perfect time at my, at like a low, ah low point in the movie, my kid just ripped like a two minute fart so loud and just kept going. Just dying laughing.
00:12:52
Speaker
ah That's a amazing. So classic.
00:13:00
Speaker
Oh my God. That was awesome, dude. Nothing better than that. Still such a good time at ah whenever that happens in a movie. Oh man. I haven't had it in like a first person scenario. So that was just so fucking funny. Classic. Shout out to the guys. Shout out to the guys.
00:13:23
Speaker
Free the guys, you know, free Gucci. He's probably locked up. Yeah, dude. Someone, someone help terrorist somewhere. Hit me back, bro. Dude. What if he, what if he failed an assassination attempt? Then he just bounced. Doesn't he live in Arizona where Kamala was? Ooh.
00:13:50
Speaker
Don't slander the guy. You're getting it next, pal.
00:13:59
Speaker
We got twenty six forty in the Patreon. Twenty six dollars forty cents. Dude, we could get. um My guys, the things half a ah half a meal at Kowloon or whatever.
00:14:20
Speaker
amy we were by
00:14:26
Speaker
I was just thinking maybe we would buy like one of those big boxes of candy and sell them. Yeah, we'll make our money back. Make 1.5 our dough.
00:14:39
Speaker
We'll flip it exactly. We'll go door to door like him.
00:14:45
Speaker
Well, those kids, boy scouts or the boy scouts, the black kids faking that they're in a football league and they're just, Oh yes. Just hanging out but outside the grocery store. I always buy candy from those kids. I pulled up. We need $20 so we can go to state championships. I pulled up on one of them and gave him a 20 and just drove off. He was like, what the fuck? It's like, hell yeah, dude. Break that off.
00:15:14
Speaker
Get some weed, dude. I go, wait a minute. What school do you, what league is your football team in? I've never heard of the Norwood Mustangs. Growing up, we did that in little league and like after year one of it, you would get enough and they would give you a fitted hat of whatever team you chose and it would come in and you'd get it.
00:15:42
Speaker
I did that one year and then this the last two years I just fucking learned how to just cut the bottom out of the tin they gave you and I just took all the money and then just came up like with like probably like $12 in once and was like, I don't know, it was a rough 12 hours out on the road begging for money. I mean, it was pretty fucked up with that.
00:16:04
Speaker
That was a thing that you had to do that your school made you do every year was like, basically just go out and panhandle.
00:16:14
Speaker
Oh yeah. It's like, dude, I got to get in on this scheme. I, I accidentally did that with a walk for hunger once in that but Jesus in that I, uh, went around my neighborhood and got donations. Cause you're supposed, they're supposed to sponsor you for like how much of it you complete. Like you can either, you can either be like, yeah, like $5 per mile, or you can just give a flat rate. And of course everyone's just gonna be like, here's $20 will never come back to my house. Um,
00:16:51
Speaker
And so by the end of it, I think I had like 128 bucks. like I got some like pretty good money just just going around my neighborhood. And then I decided not to do it. And I just like left the envelope on my on unlike the table. And I don't know
Rich Guy's Boat Story
00:17:05
Speaker
what happened to it. So I'm assuming my dad or mom just found um an envelope of 128 bucks. And I was like, this is mine now. Yeah. Your dad flipped that. He got two boxes of candy and then turned that to $240. And I just kept going.
00:17:21
Speaker
Yep. So he got the boat. Yeah, exactly. I got the guy off Craigslist who turned a paperclip into like a car or whatever. you I tell you the story of how he had a red. ah He had like a red seadoo jet boat and like damaged it in some way. And then when he went to I don't know, I guess rich guy stuff. He exchanged it. He like went to the boat store.
00:17:51
Speaker
And was like, this is broken. I want a new one. And they were like, we don't have it in red anymore. And so they gave him a black one. And he didn't. Yep. And then he didn't. He had not finished paying for it. So when ah he stopped paying for it and the repo people came, it said on their little manifest red. See to you. And he was like, this is a red one. This is black when you can't take it. And they they didn't take it. So he just got.
00:18:21
Speaker
What? He just got the boat for whatever he paid for it, but not full price. They're like, we only deal in red, yellow and lime green ones. So fuck this shit. We're out of here. Yeah. They were like, well, it doesn't, there's no red boat to to repossess. So this isn't really too classic of a rich guy color here, man. No, we'll leave it this. We'll leave this shit behind. and We don't deal in regular colors. Yeah.
00:18:52
Speaker
I also wonder, like, you just leave it there, like, or leave the issue unresolved where you're like, okay, well, where's the red boat? Yeah, where did that go then? I don't know, it's not here. Sank. Yeah, it's at the bottom of the ocean, brother. Or like, check the serial number or something. Well, I guess those wouldn't be the same either. Oh, that's true. But you'd think that like,
00:19:22
Speaker
Bass Pro Shop or wherever he got it would would be like, oh, no, you exchanged a red one for a black one. Yeah. Unlike the financing paperwork. Yeah, you think some so. Bank error in your favor. Sometimes you just get a boat. Then your kids have to figure out how to get rid of.
00:19:43
Speaker
Was it like a fucking jet ski or was it a boat? No, it was a legit boat. What the fuck?
00:19:51
Speaker
It's a boat that has like a jet ski engine on it, right? Correct. What the fuck? Griff had one. That rocks, dude.
Real Moments & Toilet Humor
00:20:01
Speaker
It was and it was it was very fun. But also then you're like, why do I have this? Hey, hey.
00:20:13
Speaker
hey Hey. Hey. yeah Yo, how about that fart like four minutes ago? Was that real? Yeah. Fuck yeah. yeah we We got a fart and a sneeze into the mic in four minute period.
00:20:40
Speaker
Shout out. I can't stop sneezing, dude. It's a heartburn. It is the heartburn. It just came back. Jesus Christ.
00:20:50
Speaker
What are you gonna do about that? Yeah, go deal with that. Take a thumbs. I did take a thumbs, all right? Not retarded. Drink milk. Drink milk of magnesium or whatever. Mmm. That makes you poop. Yeah, do it, dude. Don't be a bitch. Solid poops. Poop, dude. Do it, dude. Were you too good for pooping? Nah, here's a good one. We got like a phantom shitter at work right now. Yeah. All right, go go on.
00:21:20
Speaker
Last two Fridays ago, that would have been the second I went into the bathroom. I peed and flushed the toilet. And it just immediately starts backing up with like shit water. And I'm like, all right.
00:21:43
Speaker
So somebody knew that this was clogged and just left it. That's sick. Just shit on top of the clog. So I had to plunge someone else's poop. ah Hell yeah. Because I couldn't just leave it like that. So then. Just turn the water off, leave it at the fucking top of the bowl. I mean, bro, it was legit. Like when I put the plunger into the bowl, it almost came out. That's how much water was in the fucking thing. Good God.
00:22:14
Speaker
So, I go, must've been fry, yeah, last Friday, I go into the bathroom, same one to go pee, and there's just a full shit floating in the toilet. What the fuck is going on? So the day at lunch, I asked the last week, I'm like, who the fuck clocked the toilet? No one would admit to it. Then today at lunch, I'm like, yo, who left the fucking shit in the toilet? Like, what's wrong with you people? How big was it? Was it like a proud one or was it like a weak one? No, it was just a full fucking weak shit floating in the toilet, bro. Was it like, was it still a shit or had it turned into like shit dust? I don't know. It was still a shit. So it happened like within hours. Correct. Correct.
00:23:11
Speaker
OK, so then what happened? No one will admit to the shit, dude. Damn, dude, we're going to see what happens now. Everyone's going to be a fucking waterboard people in the back at least make it like a bomb in there. Like, don't just have like a normal one, you know? Yeah, you got you got to have people be like, man, holy shit. This guy could not make it to the flusher.
00:23:37
Speaker
Please make it funny, right? Yeah. Take it out with your hands and smear it around. Like right now, it's just totally weird. There's just ah there's like a weird vibe in the shop. I was going to say, there's yeah, there's a tension among everyone. Yeah. Somebody's guilty. I told them all I'm going to start fucking waterboarding them until somebody admits to it. Oh my God.
00:24:06
Speaker
That rules. I was like, listen, guys, if I have to fucking unclog a toilet or fucking flush a shit down again this week, I'm gonna freak out. Dude, you gotta snake that toilet. It's just gonna keep getting backed up. Yeah. You didn't run a snake down that shit? No, I hit it with a plunger. And it didn't clog again? Be temporary. Nah, it hasn't clogged since.
00:24:34
Speaker
telling you, dude, someone's been fucking stuffing paper and shit in that thing. It's going to pop back up. It's like at our old job and people are flushing fucking batteries and shit down the toilet, bro. It was like when you're in jail. Dude, they still find like gators in that fucking filter thing.
00:24:53
Speaker
my fucking kid drops bombs in the toilet and clogs it randomly it fucking insane it dude there's they're like they're like heroin shits dude it's insane That three year old is like, dude, every single time um I have to go get my wife, I'm like, holy shit, look at this fucking nuts, dude. It's like a fucking two liter bottle. I don't get how little kids fucking do that. It's like literally what you would what you would shit if you haven't shat like in seven days from opioids, dude, it's insane. I don't even get how the human body does it.
00:25:38
Speaker
Also, I'm kind of jealous every time. I'm like, damn, dude, that must just like you shit. Once a day like that, dude, you're like, ah you're it's like you're in prime fitness shape because there's just no, you just could eat anything after that. Basically, you're empty. You're like really empty. That's why I'm curious, dude, if someone's clogging the toilet on those types, but if it's just normal, something else, then maybe they're flushing some bags down there or something.
00:26:08
Speaker
my own Yeah, pull them one by one out into like on like the fairway on like the 10th green or something and question them. That's why I told him I'm gonna start taking them into the mechanic shop and waterboarding them on his fucking mechanics bench. Shit in front of me right now, show me. Just gotta get a pair of pliers and start ripping off fingernails. Gotta pull my teeth out. I got examples, I'm gonna fucking figure out who this is.
00:26:43
Speaker
That sounds funny. You go in there, you're like still fresh, still within three hours. I scoop it out.
00:26:52
Speaker
Put it in a Ziploc bag and just throw it on the table on Monday morning. It's your fucking glass. It's your CSI fucking cop drama. Who the fuck did this? Another day, another shit. yeah so So far, the Phantom Shitter has eluded me, but today's the day. It's like in in Narcos, when they test the brick out with a knife, they're like, well this is two hours. This is the real stuff right here. This is the real shit. He made a mistake today. He ate corn.
00:27:31
Speaker
What if you what if you get one and it's like a ah Like a hungover shit. It's just like fucking everywhere. It's just nothing is is old no um Nothing is holding any waterway. It's just all at the top dude. It's like a pool skimmer shit um Bringing a plastic cup full of shit Is that a pool skimmer it's like dude listen up It's a lot of fat and whoever's dying and a lot of beer is going on in here.
00:28:08
Speaker
As an experienced shit investigator, I know that all the fat of the bowl usually rises to the top. It's like ice tea. Listen up, man. This is real shit going on in here.
00:28:29
Speaker
You want a little, another little black girl going through this?
00:28:41
Speaker
You want another little black girl from Yonkers going through this, man? Tell me who shit's in here. I'm going to have to get a six foot snake. Get this shit going down. Take it to the phone to take it into the fucking in a locker room, at least. Or just fucking, you know, just shut out of the snack shack. That's what I do. Pre snake it.
00:29:13
Speaker
I had to run a snake the other day because I'm like my kids heroin shit's going on. I always prefer a fucking snake over a plunger, dude. No way. Just plunge it. I'm telling you, sometimes depends.
00:29:31
Speaker
Depends what kind of P-trap you got on the toilet there. If it's a straight shooter, I get it. But sometimes you're just plunging and it's like, all right, that's good. And then three days later, when it comes back up, you plunge in and it just still coming. And then you're in the hot water. Then you're in the hot water, dude.
00:30:00
Speaker
Who do you think it would be? Good question. I have my suspicion, but he keeps, I keep accusing him of it and he keeps denying it. So no, no, no, no, no. I flush. No, I flush. I flush. Mr. Paul. No, it's actually really fucking funny today. He was,
00:30:26
Speaker
He's one of the older dudes. He's like 40, 50, 55 probably. And he was like, it's not me, man. I watch my shit go down the bowl. As he's saying that, my boss's mom walks into the courtroom and she's like, yeah, you do. Oh my God.
00:30:46
Speaker
That's really funny. okay Paul, listen, you know, after I'm done jerking off, I watch I watch my shit go down the ball because mostly I'm looking for any splatters. I got to wipe up. So I do a little double take, make sure everything's clean and my shit's down the ball. I was like, damn, this dude kind of know kind of i had worse timing.
00:31:09
Speaker
but So you think he's like upset about something and this is like old guy, active defiance. No, I think he's just lose. I think he's losing it. Oh, I think is like, he's been forgetting things and I think he's just forgetting basic human, basic human things. Oh Jesus Christ. That's what we told him today at lunch. You can find the guy and we're like, Hey man. So we,
00:31:35
Speaker
We think it's you and we think it's because your brain is bad and you don't remember to flush. Correct. And he was like, no, no, no. I watch my pool go down. I watch it go down every time. I know when it's I know when it's gone and i there's not even streaks. If there's streaks. If there's streaks on the ball, I put the.
00:31:58
Speaker
I put a little paper in there and I get the streaks up, I'm i'm a good guy, I'm a good guy, I don't leave my shits. Literally exactly that, honestly.
00:32:12
Speaker
He's definitely just fucking, definitely whacking his noodle in there and just clogging it with all the cleanup he plays. And then shits.
00:32:26
Speaker
I mean, I don't care what any of them are doing, he just gotta flush the toilet. He's trying to flush. It's like he's trying to explain that it's all fucked up and your boss's mom comes in. He's like, listen, Paul, you know, when it's coming out of you at both ends, it feels real fucking good, man. And I watch it go down. She's like, what the fuck?
00:32:50
Speaker
Mr. Pawn, you ever shit exactly at the moment that you come? Fucking feels real good, man. It's like, you know, it's like when you you get a flood coming through your house and you open up your front door and your back door so the water goes right through the back. Then I sometimes sometimes I clog it. Yep, sometimes. OK, that's on me.
00:33:16
Speaker
She's just so funny how she said it. She's like, yeah, you watch it go down every time, huh? Jesus Christ. Maybe she's clogging it. She probably is. Hey, maybe. I'll bring that to everybody's attention on him there again on Friday. Listen up, guys. There's a new twist to the plot.
00:33:39
Speaker
Hey, I ran it by the guys down at DCI, and I think we figured it out here. yeah Iced tea has me fucking figured out. Got a second opinion from the Drew boys.
00:34:01
Speaker
oh Just the fact that my boss's mom walked in as he's talking about watching shit it was so fucking funny. Boy, what are the chances of that?
00:34:15
Speaker
That's so fucking funny. I watch it go down every single time. Jesus. that' out You got a question. That guy's it's either him or a young guy. Yeah. Seems like a young guy move because they don't want to fucking fix
Beer, Books & Humor
00:34:31
Speaker
it. And the old guy I think would at least fix it. Yeah, that's a good point. And I think a young well, I think any guy but more so a young guy once you start kind of interrogating people would find it funny to keep doing it.
00:34:46
Speaker
Yeah, truth. I don't know, in any of event, somebody's pooping and not flushing the toilet. When you go back in there, you gotta ask, you gotta to ask them if whoever's jerking it in there is the problem.
00:35:05
Speaker
That's definitely what's happening. Guys, the septic systems here is very delicate. It can handle unlimited shit. It can handle toilet paper. It can handle overcome gallons and gallons of piss. One drop of cum and it then it needs to be snaked overflow.
00:35:34
Speaker
They're already having the septic system pumped twice a month, boys. Stop coming in. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when you get a little bit of diesel in your gas tank by accident. That's the whole thing shuts down. It fucks up every single time. Guys, there was a cum geyser at hole three. People are complaining. You got to stop. It's definitely a young guy. Any Hispanic male definitely are in trouble then.
00:36:04
Speaker
Hispanic male is just way too horny at any at all times. You should have seen the two giant pallets of Modelo they were unloading where the yeah all the lads lived down the road from me when they go there like the farm crew. Dude, they were doing like they were unloading at the store like industrial amounts of Modelo. Whatever those shoulder packs are.
00:36:29
Speaker
Yep. I was like, hell yeah. These dudes are getting fired up. Love that.
00:36:37
Speaker
What was that? What else was there at JD Vance's and Trans Makeup all the time? I was just going to say I drank a 9-11 beer today. was ma Was it made on 9-11? No, it's um But broad wiser the proceeds of it go to the victims of the 9-11. It's been a while. What about that? ah Yeah, I mean, there's definitely, you know, there definitely have compounded interest on whatever they got in 2001. Yeah, I don't know. The bar manager at work gave it to me. That's a really great conversation, sir, too. like a mix
00:37:20
Speaker
Here, Paul, here's a Michelobultra light. By the way, every sip you take supports 9-11 veterans. Hey, I know John ah forgets to flush his shitter, but I know what I never forget. It's 9-11 beer here. Take this one. Hell, yes. I'll take a picture of it. I'll send it to you. What about that? Does the can have like a 9-11 twin towers on it or something?
00:37:48
Speaker
No, it's based on the man with the red bandana. It's a picture of the, uh, the three of them walking through the Logan, uh, security line. for No problem at all. Just breezing on by like, Oh, when I said it was a nine 11 beer, I meant it was like a, uh, terrorist beer. Yeah. You know, on it, it says like these guys rule, but you know, not a big deal. They did get through TSA pretty easily.
00:38:19
Speaker
I don't know. The bar manager at work gave it to me. He's into some weird shit. Yeah. He's into weird shit. He loves strip clubs and like driving an old Honda Ford and bringing knives around. What about the bar manager at work? He's the man. What about that fucking kids book at Barnes and Nobles of like never forget 9 11. How crazy is that? Dude, I love it.
00:38:44
Speaker
That was the craziest shit I've ever seen. I'm seeing my nieces next week. I was told my sister, I was like, hey, I'm going to fucking bring this, redo some story time with all the kids. Put my own, twist my own little twist on it. I can't even imagine that. Imagine like a children's book for one of us being like the JFK assassination. I know. Columbine. Holy shit.
00:39:08
Speaker
like what Like I wasn't alive for this and I have no context for why it mattered. It says, uh, it says the graphic novel, which is crazy above it. I survived in all big letters. The tax of 9 11, 2001. It's a bunch of kids running down the street. One guy's got like a firefighter shirt on. What the fuck?
00:39:30
Speaker
Just show them fucking, uh, taxi driver while you're at it. I guess also like, i mean like way to brag, like 5,000 people died. You've got to write a book about how you didn't die. Yeah, exactly. Show your fucking like, oh, you're fucking crazy. Show your living living. Wasn't enough. You had to like get a book deal out of it while other people died. Like kind of fucked up. Honestly, pretty fucked up.
00:39:58
Speaker
Yeah, it's pretty fucked up to eight ninety eight oh nine on Amazon. If you want to if you want to pick up a scholastic books, I survived the attacks of September 11th, 2001. I did to a gripping graphic novel adaptation of Lauren trash. This is literally her last name. Trash is best selling. Book of the same title.
00:40:26
Speaker
The only thing Lucas loves more than football is his uncle Benny. Weird. His dad's best friend best at the firehouse where they both work. Benny taught Lucas everything about football. So when Lucas's parents decided the sport is too dangerous and needs to quit, Lucas has to talk to his biggest fan. All right. That's going to be a really long description, but how it ends is 9 11 and they live, I guess, or maybe just Benny lives. What the fuck?
00:40:59
Speaker
Jesus Christ. Why the fuck? Like what the fuck? Man, it's a good thing Facebook didn't exist at that time. Everybody would have been checking in. I'm safe at the Twin Towers. Oh my God. I know. Dude, this is a series. No, it's not.
00:41:20
Speaker
So Lauren, the other one Lauren, oh Lauren Tarsh's has a, has a book called I survived the Nazi invasion of 1944. Oh my God. She has a book called I survived the battle of a D day.
00:41:38
Speaker
She has a book called, I survived the great Chicago fire. Okay. So this bitch is just like a, a grave robber. The last ones I did not survive the pulse nightclub shooting.
00:41:59
Speaker
Oh shit. and Imagine, imagine you can check in on the Facebook there. Yeah. It's like JC checks in safe in the south tower. No way.
00:42:16
Speaker
But it's still like, it's like nine 11 happened, but they're still like sassy about work. Still got 15 minutes.
00:42:25
Speaker
Yo, the fucking tower next door got hit by a plane and my boss won't let me leave. Yeah, exactly. He's being a real fucking douchebag right now. Yeah, what is this beer? I still had nine minutes left on my fucking break of this goddamn towers guy hit by a plane.
00:42:45
Speaker
you back close on that one You should just, uh, when you see the bartender, but yeah, it tastes like shit. I threw it away. i Yeah. That beer tastes like piss. I fucking threw it away. Oh, wait, man. That's my guy. That's my guy. That's my guy. He's always hooking it up with rare beers.
00:43:13
Speaker
Well, from what we said earlier, you think, I mean, Pulse nightclubs fucking toilets are always clogged, then. minimum
00:43:25
Speaker
Tell me where I'm lying, bro. That's true. There's mad cum in the toilet at Pulse nightclub, bro. You tell me. I did the plumbing for 35 years. So much fucking cum out of there.
00:43:51
Speaker
Yeah, what was JD Vance day wearing makeup? What the fuck's that all about? Well, this whole fucking election now is just, well, ah I've wondered this for a long time and it's finally happening as like people
Political Figures & Speculation
00:44:03
Speaker
his age. And I guess it kind of happened with that. Um, that like crippled guy who was a, who was in the house of representatives for a while, but like, no, what was his name? Something Hawthorne. He was like a young guy, but he was like a paralyzed from that the guy with the eye patch.
00:44:23
Speaker
No, but that guy is kinda in the same camp. but oh He's a little too old, but I've been wondering what's gonna happen when like more of like millennials and Gen X people start running for political offices. and like I think if you're if you're like a representative, you can probably get away with it because like a lot of these people run in non-competitive districts and stuff. But at the level of like vice president, everyone is going to dig up everything they possibly fucking can. And even like people you thought were your friends back in high school or back in college are going to sell you out if they can, if they don't like your politics or if they just think they can make a buck off of it.
00:45:04
Speaker
So which is not a defense of anything because JD Vance is a fucking loser. But people did find pictures of him when in college, like in drag, like in in like a dress and a wig and like a purse. And who knows? Like maybe it was a frat thing. Maybe he's fucking gay. Maybe it was a Halloween costume. There's no context there, but it's like.
00:45:27
Speaker
Yeah. And then so first one, one posted on X, um, and it was like, is this JD Vance and drag? And now there's been like two other ones that came out, like not from the same day, like in different outfits. So you're like, all right, I could have, I could have been like, Hey man, you like, that was probably like a funny Halloween costume or like a funny fucking frat thing. But then once it's like, Nope, there's different days and different outfits. Now I'm sort of like, all right, this guy's fucking, I mean, he's, I already knew it was weird, but.
00:45:57
Speaker
this guy's uh something else is going on here oh man which is just uh i don't know that's how everything goes that's gonna pump up all the dems and he's they're gonna end up voting for him now yeah right wow wow so proud so proud to have him as our vp Kyle Rittenhouse came, said he was gonna vote for Ron Paul, right in Ron Paul because Trump isn't um isnt strong enough on the Second Amendment. and then everyone And then everyone on Twitter said he was fucking trans and he was actually a woman and everything. And he and then he walked it back. He was like, I changed my mind. I'll vote for Trump. no That's what they do. Yeah, dude.
00:46:48
Speaker
What the fuck? They pulled up pictures of him and then they were like, look at the way his shoulder is sloped. That's like a feminine shoulder slope and and his and his neck to face ratio is ah is womanly and he's got like just tearing him apart. And then he he was like, I was mistaken and I am sorry. I will vote for Trump now. And they were like, yeah, you're actually a dude now. Cool.
00:47:16
Speaker
Well, clearly everybody that goes to O'Reilly's auto parts is trans, so it is pretty true. Yeah, exactly. And he protected that with his fucking life. You gotta, yeah, that was his fucking Olympus. No! You will not steal spark plugs! All of the trans are in here.
00:47:41
Speaker
um So yeah, and that's cool, but then I think also, Um, Tim Waltz or whatever his name is, like faked his, some of his military service or something. So they're all fucking retarded. It's again, just a election of like, how can you, who, who can we make look the like?
00:48:03
Speaker
No one, no one argued, no one debates policy or like, again, like how do you make anyone's lives better? How do you make fucking housing more affordable? How do you make gas prices go down? They're all just like, this guy's a piece of shit.
00:48:17
Speaker
this book a gay For me, for me as a person who has to live in this country, it's like two people, one of two people is going to be president and one of two people is going to be vice president and the goal is for all of them to just look like incompetent pieces of shit. So that if, as if I'm not like a fucking riding Trump's dick or fucking or a fucking Kamala bro, then, and and I'm just like, Hey, I just want a country that's good to live in. Then I get to choose between a fucking 70 year old retard or this woman who, I don't know, used to be a cop and fucking sucks. I don't know.
00:49:03
Speaker
Hmm. Yeah, dude. But she's so hot.
00:49:10
Speaker
What don't you get about that, dude? what Don't you get about that? So, uh, yeah, dude politics. I am the president. Oh my God. And you are not.
00:49:29
Speaker
Excuse me, it's my turn to speak because I am the president.
00:49:39
Speaker
ah Classic, dude. Now, let's bomb Palestine. They don't have anything on her, though. They have seemingly way. let Well,
00:49:57
Speaker
So that's true. They don't have anything really good on her. But that also doesn't stop anyone because they just make shit up now. Oh, I know. They're like, Joe Biden's a clone. I'm like, this guy barely could walk up any stairs. Why would you clone him? There's no way they would ever clone this guy. Clone him younger. Yeah.
Customer Service & Accents
00:50:17
Speaker
Joe Biden's a clone and Obama's wife has a dick. Yeah, and Obama's gay. Obama's gay and his wife has a dick.
00:50:29
Speaker
Kamala's, Kamala's actually a prostitute. The gays should come out and claim Obama like the Chappelle show. They're like, he is gay and he's ours. And then everybody's like, damn, and the gays like bombed like six million people. They're pretty fucking scary. Yeah, true. Then the gays slowly take over like the the Latin domination of scariest people alive. Yeah. The gays have predator drones now.
00:50:56
Speaker
<unk>t Don't fuck with them. The gays and Jay-Z have a tight relationship now.
00:51:10
Speaker
Uh, Milly, uh, Milly, uh, Milly, uh, Milly, uh, Milly, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, one, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten.
00:51:24
Speaker
i seriously i't realize as much you do for What's up with all the Indians in DC? ah Like Native Americans? No, no, no, like the, yeah oh yeah, those Indians.
00:51:40
Speaker
Are there a lot of them in DC? I am. but I am a very stinky man.
00:51:49
Speaker
ah I like, get the fuck out of here. They're fucking mean to me. That's why I'm not I'm not just saying get the fuck out of here for no reason. Oh, you were at the airport. I was at the hotel at the airport. And you were the wrong kind of brown.
00:52:10
Speaker
Yeah, they're like, whatever. I'm like, I have a reservation here. They're like, no, you don't. I'm like, ah yeah, I fucking do. there and butter and butter chicken This like anymore where it's like, I just come in with like a piece of paper. I was like, yeah, you do. You dumb fucking bitch. You smell like cigarettes and you're Indian. You're supposed to be doing that type of stuff.
00:52:32
Speaker
Yeah, smell better. but You gotta to spray yourself. Do they know you're smoking cigarettes? Does the fucking cows or whatever know you're smoking cigarettes, you dumb bitch? Because they're fucking gonna- they're gonna be real fucking angry at you for this. Yeah, the cows don't like that shit. You're killing yourself slowly. The cows are gonna be fucking pissed.
00:52:55
Speaker
Yeah. ah um um Hey cows, this lady's smoking fucking cigarettes and she's Indian.
00:53:12
Speaker
ah
00:53:17
Speaker
Oh, man. Yeah, no, fuck that bitch, dude. And I was like, you know what? Fuck all these Indians in here. I'm fucking I should run DC myself. I'm not fucking. Yeah, dude, you don't need them. You don't need that shit. Not getting treated like this. Like I'm fucking dare they in drag makeup, checking this fucking hotel, smoking cigarettes, smelling like cigarettes. yeah You smell like cigarettes, you dumb bitch eating biryani. I wish I could have told her that.
00:53:46
Speaker
Probably wouldn't have worked that worked out that well. Yeah. Listen, bitch. Master and none fucking sucked.
00:53:57
Speaker
Listen up, Sabad. Get the fuck out of here. I own this goddamn hotel now. And they did that thing they did to me. um Not this hotel. The other one, they're like,
00:54:10
Speaker
How are you enjoying your stay? It's Lisa. And I was like, I checked out two days ago. Yeah, dude. I think I said this already, but they texted me.
00:54:24
Speaker
They texted me on Wednesday when I had canceled my reservation on Monday, being like, just checking in to make sure everything's going all right. Please, ah please let us know by checking out on the app when you leave.
00:54:38
Speaker
And I was like, fuck. I called them and I was like, I canceled my reservation on Monday and they were like, Oh yeah, we just made a mistake. It's fine. And then I was like, well, since we're talking about it, I never got a refund. And they were like, Oh yeah, we don't do refunds like through the hotel. It goes through Hilton. And then I like called Hilton and they were like, why didn't the hotel do the refund? And it still hasn't gone through. So.
00:55:01
Speaker
What about your JetBlue one? JetBlue was fine. JetBlue finally went came back. I just had to call them once. And even though it was some fucking unhelpful idiot who was like, spell your name for me?
00:55:14
Speaker
it's on my like you know like when i when When you answered the phone, you were like, am I speaking to Jared? And it's also like you having on your computer just for me calling you all the information you need. But anyway, that was fine. That was easy. But the yeah Hilton one is still a fucking clusterfuck. Never do advance pay. ah My fucking first time I ever did it and in biggest mistake of my life, advance pay your hotel room. Don't do it.
00:55:45
Speaker
because It's fucking retard. Yesterday was fucking guys getting an oil change and trying to look up my account. and I told him my last name and he goes, is that it? I go, what the fuck are you asking me? I literally said, what? yeah I said, I said, ah he said, is that it? I said, are you asking for my zip code? What are you fucking at? why What do you mean? Is that it? You fucking idiot. Yes, that's it.
00:56:15
Speaker
That it? Yeah. I want to fucking set this place on fire. Are there more letters, please? Judging by how you look. Yeah. I want a funny business in here. Where's the accent mark on your name, sir? So that's just like the that's like the first part. And then after the weird dash, what's the rest? You got like there's a hyphen. I know there's a hyphen. You're not going to put this one over on me, you fucking idiot.
00:56:44
Speaker
Can you spell Aguilaras? I heard, sorry my name is not like Michael Joseph Brian or whatever the fuck are you dumb idiots are named here?
00:57:00
Speaker
My name is John, John Michael Brian. John Michael Brian the fourth. Okay, faggot.
00:57:18
Speaker
Whoa. All right. Guess the accent. Here we go. Ready? I think it would be fun. What up, Ak?
00:57:37
Speaker
Yo, what up, Ak? That's all I got, bro. Brooklyn. Okay. Queens actually got to be a little more specific that we're doing. Guess the race of the accent. um All right. I'll set it. I'll set it up easy. Hey, good night. Good night, mate.
00:57:59
Speaker
um Austria. Part of it. Part of it. like to but i i like i so go Is this a new one? Yeah, that's all combined.
00:58:24
Speaker
said
00:58:27
Speaker
that's ah That's a mentally handicapped Japanese person living in Australia. It was like a Nazi, but he was like a retarded mentally, you know, I got part of it.
00:58:43
Speaker
Uh, what about this one? Yo, let me get $4 on pump three, my guy.
00:58:57
Speaker
White guy in Brooklyn. Okay. I was looking for a black man in Brooklyn, but we're almost there. They're almost an interchangeable. Yeah. You got to work on your black accent.
00:59:17
Speaker
What's been going on with our, uh, our, uh, messed up Jesse on live life jam on Instagram retired. What's so going on with that guy? Well, dude, Paul, do you know anything? I haven't, I forgot he existed. I forgot about feeding me videos. Honestly. Yeah. This means his viewership tanked recently. Let's see if he's still alive. I think everybody just got it sick of them. Like Tony P.
00:59:43
Speaker
Well, it looks like he's a construction worker now. No work for construction or whatever. I don't care where this video leads to it, but I have to go work. It's cool. Maybe this is what God wants for me. Oh man. Why is he really just wearing a high vis vest and a hat, hard hat. Isn't it his choice? Why is he mad about that?
01:00:08
Speaker
like Dude, you had a job at seven 11. What the fuck, dude?
01:00:15
Speaker
It's like, yo, this shit's crazy, bro. I can't smoke ice at this job. yeah Yeah, they won't let me break in overnight and like borrow some money from the register when I need it. Like, what the fuck?
01:00:30
Speaker
That was some shit about McDonald's French fries. I was smoking like that. We're going to figure it out. You know, it looks like he got fired from 7-Eleven.
Job Loss & New Beginnings
01:00:40
Speaker
No way. hey not only do i not you know on that work at 7-11 anymore but you know it's gonna be a very awkward weekend but we're gonna figure it out you know we'll be online then we'll be we'll be doing the most but you know i'll be looking for jobs and stuff as well too but that guy looks like he's high as fuck in that video why did he get fired from 7-11 does it say in the comments
01:01:15
Speaker
No more 7-Eleven thanks to all the capital arch trolls. Oh my god. Did they call that 7-Eleven? I wonder if people were calling in bomb threats and shit to his job. No, it's probably because he was live streaming at that time and they were like, dude, don't be live streaming in there. They were like tagging 7-Eleven's account.
01:01:39
Speaker
I didn't do that. I would never. Yeah. My life's ruined. I got fired from fucking putting on goddamn tostitos and fucking on the shelf and yeah, somebody swatted the seven 11. The SWAT team came in and shot some customers. Yeah. I can't even fucking like put anything on the rollers anymore and fucking restock like the fucking beverages and stuff.
01:02:08
Speaker
Bro, he went to family court in a suit with an untucked dress shirt and a pair of Mikeys on. Of course he did, dude. He fucking goes in there looking like, more like, he's a part of fucking gym class heroes, like, fucking trying to win a case for his life, dude.
01:02:31
Speaker
Hey, you read the courthouse, you know what I'm saying? Yo, I totally didn't piss hot and that's why I'm here, but like, all right, I'm going back in. It's family court. Hey, judge, and I'm saying my daughter and I'm saying.
01:02:46
Speaker
I'm saying. I had a great job at 7-Eleven for three weeks, but fucking, you know, all these fucking Dementors... People keep snitching. Yeah, they're little art trolls. I had to go in there at three in the morning and call my boss and show up at his house and defend myself and saying, all these people are out to get me. I'm totally not on ice though. I'm totally not just paranoid and ruining my life because I'm so paranoid.
01:03:18
Speaker
Whatever. No, dude. i Remember when he had that job where all this stuff got on his skin that was so itchy and it ruined his car and ruined his couch and it ruined all his clothes and it... that was not That was not his fault. They didn't tell him about the fiberglass. Oh my fucking god, dude. That's it all connects now.
01:03:43
Speaker
I love that.
01:03:49
Speaker
I love that he's like, he's like a packing boxes and like a shipping department. They have them in a high visibility. He's like, yeah, I'm like working construction now. Like I'm construction boxes for Amazon. Like it's fucking like blue collar now. and This is what I want. Whatever. This is fucking what God wants me to do. so
01:04:13
Speaker
Fucking idiot, dude.
01:04:17
Speaker
You know what? We're going to take this. We're going to take this party over to the Patreon. If you guys want to hear the rest of this. Yeah. joince and Join the Patreon. You'll get another approximately hour of us making fart sounds. Patreon. I mean, it's not fart sounds. It's just actual farts farting into the mic. Uh, patreon dot.com slash dudes are as patreon dot.com slash three gays for Trump 2024 62 episodes.
01:04:47
Speaker
We'll join the reddit r slash dudes r us and the discord is into every single episode's bio You can click it. It's an unlimited invite now. I said it last week join us shout out to our guy patrick c shout out to hank joe shout out to blab shout out to Gucci, please come back. Shout out to Brandon on there. Shout out to Kyle. Take that shout out to Gucci back, dude. He's banned. 1 2 9. Shout out to David, Patreon, Patreon CEO. All right. Anything else, guys? Nope. Goodbye. See you later.