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Original Understudies - EP 81 - Hypnosis
158 Plays1 year ago
On our web page we are accepting suggestions. If you leave a suggestion, please leave a name so that I may credit you as the inspiration. This weeks suggester will remain anonymous.
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" I was wondering if any of the Understudies have any fun stories regarding hypnotism or doing things they didn't want to do because they were told to?"
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This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Jake Regal @JakeRegal
Landon Kirksey LandonKirksey.com
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Mark Gagliardi - We Got This W/ Mark and Hal
Atul Singh @Atultime
Jacki Schwarz Florida Person Podcast
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Format Overview
00:00:08
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of original understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform improv comedy for you using your suggestions which you can email at uh to original understudiespodcast at gmail.com or you could go to the website originalunderstudies.com and put
00:00:31
Speaker
a suggestion right there on the website. I apologize. There's a huge backlog. I thought I was going to get like a huge backlog, but there's a backlog and I thought that I'd get an email when somebody did it. So I've got emails from back in like October and that's my bad. That's my bad. We're going to get through those real quick folks.
00:00:51
Speaker
Let's introduce the improvisers.
Guest Introductions and Social Media Plugs
00:00:55
Speaker
Atul Singh, welcome back Atul. How have you been and where would you like people to find John Lett? They can find me at Atul time, A-T-U-L-T-I-M-E. And I've been good, excited to be back. Thanks, James. Thanks for being here. And Jackie Shwors. How are you, Jackie? Good.
00:01:13
Speaker
Where do you want people to find you? You can find me on Jackie Schwartz, my socials. Oh, oh, Jackie Schwartz. That's what it is. But it's G-A-C-K-Y underscore Schwartz on Instagram. Or maybe you can find me on TikTok. I don't have a TikTok, but I imagine I'm in some, right? Probably. I don't know how that works. Somewhere.
00:01:40
Speaker
But there's no Florida person podcast dropping anytime soon. We took a one month hiatus, but we'll be back probably soonish. I don't know when this comes out. So look out for that or don't.
00:01:54
Speaker
Great. And Landon Kirksey. Welcome back, Landon. How have you been? Where can people find you? Oh, thanks, James. Good to be here. Thanks again. People can find me online at Splandon, S-P-L-A-N-D-O-N. And there's things posted there. Also, you know, the intersection that we're all looking for.
00:02:14
Speaker
country in comedy, country, country music and comedy. I mean, Johnny Marfa and the lights, which we were just called the hottest country band in Los Angeles. Wow. Yes, that's right. That's right. Did you guys get your run extended at the desert? Yes, the desert in no, the desert five spot. We were there every Saturday night in Hollywood at nine thirty going to the desert. When are you going to start playing at the desert?
00:02:44
Speaker
Because we've been going to the desert and looking for you. You're one of the lights. I'm at the Dunes Inn Motel on Sunset next to the empty Denny's, the one that used to be a Denny's. All right. I'm glad that you guys got extended because I'm very much looking forward to going. Yes, please, Scott.
Admiration and Creative Aspirations
00:03:02
Speaker
and Jake Riego. Welcome back, Jake. Where can people find you? I talked before you introduced me again. I'm sorry. Um, it's fine at the only, I really like to reveal new people that have never been on the podcast last, but otherwise I don't care as long as I give you a chance to plug yourself. Hell yeah. I love going with the flow. Thank you.
00:03:19
Speaker
I'm at Jake Regal. I really am trying to stop using Twitter like earnestly. I've been on it since 2008. And I realized that it has never once made me feel good in 15 years. So why do it? But everything else, Jake Regal.
00:03:33
Speaker
great. And Mark Gagliardi. Hey Mark, how are you? I'm great buddy. It's a, it is delightful to be back. I'm just good. You didn't ask, but I'm going to go ahead and answer the same questions that everybody else answered. You can find me at Mark gags and my
00:03:51
Speaker
Number one post-punk industrial band in Los Angeles is playing every Saturday night. Not a Desert Five spot, a Desert Four spot, which is in the Super Eight motel across the street.
00:04:07
Speaker
Nice. Any, any thrilling adventure hours coming up soon. We always have more thrilling adventure hour stuff coming up. Just a thrilling adventure hour. All of our bub catalog is online. We're going to have more live shows. We just had another one, which was great to see you at. We've got them. We've been doing them at, at the bourbon room and we're looking at some other venues as well. And yeah, keeping it going.
00:04:38
Speaker
I'm just going to say it. I was so impressed. I love the show so fucking much that I've been busting my ass writing. I want to make a written like audio play type style show, still way early in development, but your show super inspiring. I love it a lot. I'm glad you announced that. I'm glad you, yeah, I'm glad you announced that here. Cause like, you're just inviting us all on it. I see. You all heard it. That's all what's happening now.
00:04:58
Speaker
Oh, it's so much fun.
00:05:04
Speaker
There it is, yeah. If you didn't, that would be a super weird thing for you to do in front of all of us, you know? Yeah, and cruel, and cruel, cruel.
00:05:11
Speaker
It's also like an accountability thing where now you're going to listen back to this and be like, I guess I have to actually do this labor. Well, I'm taking a sketch writing class with Frank K. Eddie at the Westside comedy theater. And one of the weeks, oh, he's so fucking talented in a million ways. But last week I turned in my assignment, which was, it was supposed to be a premise sketch. And I just transcribed a scene from this week's
00:05:35
Speaker
episode. And it was, it was fun. And I kind of told him what I was working on. It was, it was interesting to work on transcribing improv because filmed improv is iffy sometimes, right?
Listener Interactions and Suggestions
00:05:45
Speaker
Yeah. Oh yeah. But this is re rewriting scripted improv. I think that's what made second city as popular as they were. Yeah. That was just, just repeated over and over and over again. Right. Yeah.
00:05:56
Speaker
Cool, let me pull this suggestion up. This one references an episode that was in October. My bad. Not a big deal though. And here's the problem that I didn't realize. If you don't write your name, I have no idea who it is that's sending these things. So I've got one word suggestions. I've got stories. I don't know who these are from. It's just from the ether online.
00:06:23
Speaker
Here it is. I loved the recent episode with the Killer Meditation app. Really hilarious and gave me some serious cosmic horror vibes, which is exactly what we were going for. I was wondering if any of the understudies have ever had any fun stories regarding hypnotism or doing things they didn't want to do because they were told to.
Hypnotism: Stories and Skits
00:06:47
Speaker
Those are two wildly different things. Well, go clean your room and you forgot the number three are two very different. I got married. I don't know. That was something I didn't really necessarily want to do. Were you hypnotized into it? I was hypnotized into it. Yeah. I was like, act like a chicken, then get married.
00:07:09
Speaker
You're like the embodiment of what are those shirts that every boy had when I was in high school that just had the married couple and just said, game over.
00:07:25
Speaker
I can't be hypnotized. I've been told by many hypnotists. And yes, I know quite a few because I have to go to NACA's all the time, which are the national conferences for the schools and everything to bring out entertainment. So I've met a lot of hypnotists and they can't do it to me because I can't be suggested to do something.
00:07:50
Speaker
I have the wrong personality for it. Where do these meetings take place? On the floor, like in a conference booth, when I see a hypnotist, I go, hypnotize me, do it now. And they can't do it. I mean, I can't do anything that somebody runs up to me and says, do it now. Regardless of what it is, I'm immediately paralyzed. So they can't do it.
00:08:15
Speaker
Uh, now I, I haven't been hypnotized. I don't know if I can't be hypnotized. Uh, I feel like I'm one of those people that's so smart that you wouldn't be able to crack into it. But, uh, but I did fake being hypnotized once at six flags. Cause I got up on stage and I just like,
00:08:34
Speaker
didn't want to get off stage so I was just doing whatever the guy said and I never got busted I never got caught it wasn't anything big though there it's like brought a bunch of people and you got signed across the board off of that show right
00:08:57
Speaker
OK, I'm hello, Stephen Johnson here. I'm with Deli University. And what exactly do you bring to to campuses? I bring a dangerous level of hypnosis. Dangerous? Oh, yes. I'm a dangerous, dangerous stage show. Can your NACA handle my dangerous stage show? Is your college campus going to be able to handle what I can do as far as hypnosis?
00:09:24
Speaker
Yes, I think you're asking about our University of Delhi University. Yes, that is Delhi, Delhi of the eye.
00:09:32
Speaker
Oh yes, oh, you speak Greek, lovely. Yes, it's a private university, 6,000 students, mostly undergrad. And we just like to spice it up for the students a little bit. So we're looking for something different. We had a comedian, we actually had that comedian right over there last year. That one over there, we do not talk. I don't talk to her. Oh, okay. All right, there's some history there. You don't have to tell me, but tell me.
00:09:58
Speaker
Do you want to lean in? Yes, yes. Closer. Okay. Look at this varch. You will not remember anything I'm about to tell you. That comedian over there is a secret assassin. What? And wake up.
00:10:24
Speaker
All right, so it turns out that you offended some of the students last year. So we're asking you to maybe just be a little bit more, I don't know, clean with your humor.
00:10:36
Speaker
So- Miss, you keep looking at the person behind me. Is there something- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. If you wouldn't mind just repeating what you said, I might've zoned off there for a second, right there. Would you mind moving a little to the side, just right there? Okay. Is this better? That's perfect. So last year we had some complaints and they came from the parents of the students who saw your show. They considered a lot of what you- Oh!
00:11:07
Speaker
Oh my god! Are you okay? Look! I'm... Look! Dying! Mr... Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Sh
00:11:33
Speaker
Listen, this seems like it is not a college campus activity. And I'm honestly feeling uncomfortable with this. I'm pretty sure you shot a spit ball at him and now he's dead. Oh, it wasn't a spit ball. It was a poison dart.
00:11:49
Speaker
Well, Val, you said that there is a no poison dart policy on this campus. I didn't see that in the fine print of my writer. I didn't agree to anything that wasn't in my writer. And you would see if I had something that said I couldn't kill somebody in my writer. If I had that, I would follow it. But in my writer, it specifically says if I want to kill somebody because I have a beef, I can kill them from a beef. Oh my God.
00:12:14
Speaker
Who signed off on this? Who signed off on this? I think it was an undergraduate student that you employ in your office. I'm not sure if they're paid. I would assume they're not paid. Oh, they're probably not. Most of them are. That's probably the reason. They don't check their email first off. We didn't confirm this show until about 48 hours before. And that was super unprofessional.
00:12:47
Speaker
All right, Deli lawyers. Unfortunately, she did get away with murder because there was no technical law that said she couldn't use a poison dart on campus. So we've really got to mind our P's and Q's. Let's fresh up our law books. We checked all of it. We checked all the all the law books. Oh, yeah. I've been digging through them night and day for four weeks now. No mention of poison darts at all.
00:13:12
Speaker
Wow. I have a health class to get to in like 20 minutes. Can we continue? I understand that, Gary. I am so sorry. But the priority right now is to avoid more technically legal assassinations on campus because they're just giving us a bad name. It's not good for the recruiting. Gotcha. Gotcha. So we just need to list down any way that somebody might kill somebody in every contract.
00:13:37
Speaker
That's exactly right. So let's spitball here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, all right, all right. What's a way that you might be able to assassinate someone? I don't know, like a machete? All right, machete. Let me go through every long book that we have. So last month, last month we had a lady who brought lizards, the lizard lady.
00:14:06
Speaker
It could be a lizard thing. It could be a lizard. That could be a lizard thing. I don't know if that's specific enough. I don't know if that's going to hold up in a courtroom. Just keep it broad. Just keep it broad. It's a lizard thing.
00:14:19
Speaker
Yeah, everything falls under a lizard. Yeah. Look, an alligator falls under a lizard. Poisonous lizard? Aggressive lizard? That's true. That's true. And that way, if we establish precedent of all lizards, then everything else falls under the umbrella of lizards. But what if there is no weapon? What if they're just fisting someone to death? What if it's not even a weapon at all, you know? Please. Yeah, can we look up fisting? Can we look up fisting, please?
00:14:46
Speaker
Yeah, see if fisting is, uh, would somebody make sure? Because I don't know the legal truth. You went straight to fistic, not like fighting someone or knocking them unconscious. See, of course, that could be fisting. All right, students, quiet. Listen, you listen up, students.
00:15:09
Speaker
Thanks to the great lizard incident, I am now the only entertainer left on this campus. Well, myself and one comedian who shall not be named. I will need a volunteer.
00:15:25
Speaker
Oh, me, me. You, come down to the front. All right, but I'm warning you, I can't be hypnotized. You don't think you can be hypnotized? You don't fucking gird, you don't gird, you don't gird. What is your name? They are saying Gary, is that it? It is Gary. Yeah, it's Gary. Why are they saying get him, Gary? Do you think you can pull a fast one on me? Look at this hatch! Okay, I'm looking at the watch. Ain't nothing happening for Gary.
00:15:56
Speaker
Okay, look, I'm gonna put the vodge down. Look at the spinning spiral! Look at the spiral! Look everybody, he's got a spinning spiral! What are you, a spirograph? Oh, Gary's got such a strong mind! Gary's so good at not being hypnotized, the rest of us are super hypnotized!
00:16:18
Speaker
Wait, the rest of the room. Gary, you are the only one in this room who is not hypnotized. Well, I never thought about it like this. Now that I'm the only one who is not hypnotized, now I wish my brain were hypnotizable. Well, guess what, Gary? That is how my act works. That is how you learn. That is what universities are for. I shall leave the room now. Everyone is hypnotized, but you don't slam noise. Oh, no. I'm in a prison of my own making.
00:16:45
Speaker
Gary. Gary. Gary. Gary. Oh. Darryl. You guys? Darryl? You guys wanna get some food or something? Gary's food. Gary is food. Gary is food. Oh no. Oh no. Food is Gary. No. No. Eat Gary. I don't like this.
00:17:17
Speaker
We've been dealing with some supernatural stuff here at this college. So we've brought in a couple of high hitters that should be able to handle any superstitious, uh, mistological stuff at your campus.
Mystical Claims and Entertainers
00:17:32
Speaker
So. Okay. Did you say high hitters?
00:17:36
Speaker
Heavy, high, hit. You say mistological? Mistological? Mistological. Mistological, all that stuff. Is that Mr. Logical or Mist-a-logical? I'm just trying to get it clear. Yeah, it's what we're talking about right here. So I brought in a couple of the best of them. I'm gonna leave them here. Do you want me to clarify what I do? Because it doesn't seem like, you guys brought me in and it doesn't seem like you know what I'm gonna do. I'm just worried that you don't sell yourself too good. You keep saying you're a medium and I'm looking for something. Yeah, I'm a medium.
00:18:03
Speaker
Yeah, but trust me, she's better than just me. Can we just talk to her? Seems like she knows what she's talking about. Yeah, but it's a lot easier to understand what a man says. It's like a medium for the ghost to talk through me. Yeah, she's extra large though. Okay, I'll let you hear that. Okay, so think of it this way, okay? So what if you were able to swallow a ghost and then the ghost was able to talk out of your mouth hole? That's kinda like what I do.
00:18:29
Speaker
So you're like, I'll swallow the like hypothetically, hypothetically, I'm going to swallow all these ghosts you got. I'm going to swallow them super hard. All right. And then they're going to talk at me and they're going to tell you what they need. So are you like a ghost ventriloquist dummy? That's a good way to look at it.
00:18:51
Speaker
The other guy was not explaining this correctly at all. Genevieve, I'm sorry. I should have warned you. They don't have ghosts here where they got is, I guess, some sort of mentalists or some sort of assassins of the mind, right? Hypnotist, yeah. Thank you. You can show yourself out. We'll deal with Genevieve. Thank you. Well, she's my client, so don't try to cut me out of this. Trust me, our writer is...
00:19:15
Speaker
is exactly pinpoint. Honestly, if one of you could just point me towards the ghost, because if I talk to live human beings for too long, I start to lose some of my edge. Absolutely. He's right in this room. His name is Gary and he's freaked out. All right. Here you go. Hey there. Hi. Hey, hey. Hi. Hey. Hi. I'm Genevieve. Are you a ghost? Yeah, I'm a ghost. You passed the test, buddy.
00:19:45
Speaker
Do you, do I, can I crawl into your mouth? Yeah, you just, I'm just gonna open up real wide. You just crawl right inside there. If you want to stay in a lung or like next to one, and then you want to just like chit chat, say what you need to say, you go for it, all right? Okay, here I go, I'm just gonna. Say it.
00:20:09
Speaker
Genevieve, here's your check for one million dollars. You did it. Thank you. You've saved Delilah University. Private college.
00:20:20
Speaker
Hi, what about me? I'm the other high hitter. You never actually introduced me or used me in any way. Do I still get my... You know what? It's not my fault. She took over in there. I was gonna introduce you second, Genevieve, just totally. You know what? I think I'm gonna have to cut her as a client after this. Obviously after we break up the money that's from here. Okay, so I still get a million dollars as well.
00:20:47
Speaker
Oh, you didn't do any work. I can't split that with you. It's kind of, you know what I mean, right? I shouldn't have been so patient. I was just waiting for someone to introduce me.
00:21:01
Speaker
I mean, I think patience is a good guy might not always finish first, but good guy finishes. Do you know what I mean? I really don't. I don't know what that means. You're gonna finish, okay? You're gonna finish. This next school I'm bringing you to, they got problems too. So just cool your jets and I'm sure it's gonna be something that, what's your superpower? I can cure blindness and I can speak to
00:21:30
Speaker
God, right? Yep. It's a religious thing. Perfect. I like it. I like it. It's kind of be kind of a hard sell, but we'll try to bring you into this next. Okay. Great. It's just a lot of people are into the ghosts and things and yours is a little, I don't actually know what I can do. I've never gotten that far. I was making that up on the spot. I've never been introduced before.
00:21:54
Speaker
Yeah, every job I've ever been on, I've never actually made it to the point where someone says who I am, so I never get to find out what I do.
00:22:03
Speaker
Well, I'm looking at the contract we signed. I don't know why I would have signed you. I only take the heaviest, highest hitters on my roster. I was in a non-union commercial for Flonades. That might be where you saw me. That's where I saw you. And you didn't have anything to do with the germ creatures that came out of your face in that? No, I simply stood there and they did that in post-production.
Commercials and Misunderstandings
00:22:38
Speaker
All right, everybody, welcome to set. Just make sure the product is here. The product, this is our money shot or in the business, we call it the money shot. And every time you're dealing with the product, excuse me, excuse me, please don't touch the product. OK, thank you. Thank you.
00:22:58
Speaker
This is your A.D. right here. How you doing? All right, everything he says is the voice of God, you could say, or, you know, it's very important. So do anything Peter says. This over here is a careen. This is a wardrobe.
00:23:15
Speaker
So I'm just going to squirt a little bit of Flonase on your face here, just like have a little trail just so it looks like the money shot made it to its destination. We're going to fly in some set Flonase. Flonase doesn't look like Flonase on camera, so we've got to fly in some. We've been working on this Flonase back. Artie has been working on it, so here we go. There we go. That's our direction right there.
00:23:41
Speaker
It's just, so we, on set, we just use horse semen instead of Flonys. So I'm just gonna- It really reads. It really reads. Real quick, the money shot, you want like the selling image to be Flonys dribbling out of my nose? Hey, listen, don't tell me what the money shot is. I know what the money shot is. I'm the director. All right. Okay.
00:24:00
Speaker
Hey Hank, look, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but I'm pretty sure a money shot isn't. What do you think a money shot is? When I show the product on his face, that's a money shot. All right. Let's get to work. All right. Let's get that horse semen in my nose. You're the boss. I'm so sorry to interrupt.
00:24:17
Speaker
I'm with the client. It's just that some of this, they're saying kind of looks like, I don't know how to say this without being crude, but the way that it looks on his face right now kind of looks like a pornography, like the climax of a pornography. Like somebody came on his face, Hank, I'm telling you a money shot isn't what you think it is.
00:24:42
Speaker
This is all because we haven't done the post on it. We're going to color it up. It's going to look like Flona. Maybe I'm just not using enough horse semen. Let's lather you up with this. Let's fire some more horse semen, please. We're flying in horse semen. If there's one thing I learned is that if enough horse semen gets put on me, I will finish. So.
00:25:07
Speaker
Heavy hitter, high hitter. Your tryout is next. Yeah, I'm pumped. I'm excited. Wait a minute. Have I seen you before?
00:25:21
Speaker
Maybe. Probably not. Probably not. I've seen you somewhere before. Look into this. Watch. Tell me where I've seen you before. I was hospitalized for having a hysterical pregnancy where I thought I was having a horse baby. Yes, that's right. And a Flonase. I knew that in a Flonase commercial. That was driving me crazy. Anyway, your ups are going to introduce you right now. Oh, fun.
00:25:56
Speaker
When I shot the dollar shave commercial, no big deal. That was me. That was me. I had, I had always had my mustache and that's what I had when I booked the commercial and they, nobody told me that was supposed to grow a stubble because they wanted to have me shave on the thing and have a before and after I can't grow stubble. It would take me weeks, but nonetheless they tried to get me to grow and it didn't work. But what they did on set,
00:26:25
Speaker
that day is they had this little puffer thing that looked like a perfume sprayer. And instead of puffing out perfume, it shot horse hairs, little tiny horse hairs into my face. And it where there was no glue, there was nothing. It was just static, I guess, or there was glue inside the container. I don't know, but it stuck to my face. It looked exactly like my hair color. It's like the thing in the little black, like
00:26:50
Speaker
pouch that they spritz on you. Yeah. I've gotten that before. I did not know that was horse hair. That's horse hair. I believe that boys horse hair is a big industry. Wow. I thought it was one of those magnet things like on woolly, woolly. Yes. Right. Like it's like iron shavings and played with that as children. And if that thing got like broken or busted, then there'd be like metal iron shavings in just all over the carpet, just all over.
00:27:18
Speaker
I want to know why horse hair is such
Horse Hair Heist
00:27:20
Speaker
a big industry. Is that what like like falls and like all of the other like hair accessories? What is that? Am I looking at horse hair? Am I looking at human hair when I see someone who has? You make money out of every part of the horse. Yeah. Horses and humans are so close. Their hair texture is so alike. Oh, OK.
00:27:41
Speaker
Is that true? I don't know, I'm really just making this up. I went to clown camp once and they told us that the best clown camp or the best clown wigs were Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak
00:28:13
Speaker
Denise, don't discourage me. I've got a foolproof plot to get us out of here. We're going to get out of here on the backs of horses, actual horses. I just got a couple horses. We're going to shave them bad and we're going to sell their hair.
00:28:30
Speaker
We're getting out of this town. No, this didn't work the last time. This didn't work last time when you got us all those yaks and you made us shave those yaks and now we're shaving horses. I was wrong about the yaks, but I'm right about the horses, horses and humans. They're so alike. We're gonna make wigs. We're gonna make beard wigs. We're gonna have so much money once we shave these horses bald.
00:28:55
Speaker
Oh, look, look, he's, he's, he's, he's unsteady. He's, he's gonna, he's gonna bolt at any minute. That's fine, I don't need, I don't need a steady horse. I don't need anything like that. We're not riding the horse. We're shaving the horses, Denise. Don't you see? This is our ticket out of this town.
00:29:12
Speaker
All right, I mean, I guess I'm in there's nothing telling me that it would be wrong except for the fact that we did it before with Yax Dennis what the hell are you two doing out here? It's not what it looks like
00:29:27
Speaker
It looks like you're trying to do that same experience you did last month. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. Hey, if you, if you don't tell the owners of these horses, I'll let you, I'll let you have 25% of whatever horse hair deal I'm able to make.
00:29:47
Speaker
Well, cool your chats. If you guys don't stay here, I'm gonna either lose my job or I'm gonna have to work twice as hard. I'm not letting you, in fact, I'm gonna go tell the farm. Wait a minute, wait a minute, Louis, wait a minute. You're looking a little thin up top if I may be so bold.
00:30:07
Speaker
What do you mean? Well, you're just getting older. You're a man of a certain age and perhaps you thin up a little bit up on the top of your head. Maybe, maybe, you know, your crown is a little exposed. So I don't know if you know this, but horse hair and human hair, practically the same thing. Some horses even grow human hair and some horses and some people grow horse hits. You can't tell the two apart.
00:30:37
Speaker
Lewis! Lewis, get in here! Hello? Yes, sorry. I was, uh, busy. Lewis, I got a question for you! I'll answer anything. Where have my two horse- Well, hang on a second. My goodness, Lewis. That is a...
00:30:57
Speaker
you're that is a luxurious head of hair you're sporting now oh this yeah it's not a big deal it's uh I've just been growing it out I guess it's finally you just yesterday and you was bald as kojak oh well not that bold not quite as bold as pretty bald you got just that little ring around the sides
00:31:19
Speaker
Yeah. Anyway, I got two horses gone miss yet. I just can't get over how quick your hair has grown. It's a, it's biotin. It helps. It helps hair grow fast. It's biotin. Where are you? Let me see it.
00:31:35
Speaker
Hold out your hand with whatever evidence about and you've gotten your hair. So here's the problem is I took the whole thing all at once and instead of ODing, which I was worried about. We found those two horses down by the- You found them by two horses? That's right. We found them down by the North pasture. The only problem is the only thing we can't figure out is they're both missing patches of their hair.
00:32:03
Speaker
What you mean they're missing patches of their hair? Well, it's almost as if somebody took their hair. Lewis, you know anything? I don't know. Perhaps they could have some biotin?
00:32:17
Speaker
Now, baby, I got you that pony you always wanted, all right? I got you that pony you always wanted. Hey. All right, just stay right here. I'm going to bring him out, all right? And just, hey, you know what? Not all ponies.
00:32:33
Speaker
look like other ponies and they might not look like ponies that you imagine in your head to look like a pony. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm going to love any pony that you get me. Although I, I do have the perfect pony in my mind. Okay. Well, just, you know, lower your expectations. Just a tad. All right. I'm going to get you. Good. I'm going to go get your pony, your very first pony, you know?
00:32:57
Speaker
What do you think? Is the pony behind that homeless dog? No, that's the pony. That's the pony. Do you love it? Do you love your pony?
00:33:17
Speaker
Sure. No, I do. I know how hard it was for you to get the pony. Things have been really tight around here, but I want to give you everything you deserve. All right. I grew up rich and you shouldn't have to grow up poor, but you are. And I don't want that for you. It's okay that the pony is missing some patches.
00:33:35
Speaker
Let's go for a ride, pony. Oh. Sometimes the ponies cry. Sometimes they cry. It's nothing to be concerned about. The pony? Is our pony depressed? It's possible. It's possible.
00:34:00
Speaker
All right, so we got some reports of a possible Chupacabra being in a looseness neighborhood. So I've brought in a couple of my best heavy hitters, highest heaviest hitters.
Humorous University Scenarios
00:34:14
Speaker
I don't know. Genevieve, is this up your alley? Can you handle a Chupacabra? Absolutely. If I just swallow that Chupacabra's essence, it'll be able to talk through me and tell me what it needs. Usually it's sheep blood, but you never know.
00:34:28
Speaker
Well, we're just glad to have you back, Genevieve. The last time what you did here, you saved the campus. We're very excited. Actually, you know what? I don't even need to meet your other client. We'll just take Genevieve again.
00:34:40
Speaker
Yeah. Are you sure? Cause he's outside. He's, he was really hoping to, you know what? He's fine. He's fine. And actually you don't even need to come to these meetings anymore. Genevieve is, we know who she is and her work is amazing. And you know what? We're going to just write that check right now. Here it is. You could write it right to my agency. We just give it to the client. All right. Thank you. Well, it's a, it's a, okay. How about you point me towards that chupacabra and I'll get it all taken care of. I have it right here through the store.
00:35:10
Speaker
Oh, there you go. Name is Gary. Hmm. Okay. Okay. Um, Chupacabra.
00:35:19
Speaker
Yeah, unfortunately, Gary, I think you're a little bit confused. See, you are not a chupacabra. Well, I'm sorry. Maybe I don't look like your typical chupacabra, but I definitely identify as a chupacabra. You can identify as a chupacabra. There's nothing wrong with that. You can definitely identify it. Thank you for seeing me. But I will say biologically, you are a shaved horse. Oh, really? And that's OK.
00:35:49
Speaker
And that's okay. No one has ever acknowledged me in this way. I see you. You truly see me. Wow. Wow. You know what? I apologize to the people of this university. I am not a Chupacabra. I am not a Chupacabra. Gary's back. Yeah, Gary's back. Yeah. Yeah, Gary. Gary. Here's your check, Genevieve. 750,000 big ones.
00:36:20
Speaker
Yeah, listen, I've been going through the books of the university. Are you spending $750,000? This just says consultant. What does that mean? We hired a consultant. That's right. Thank you. What were the results of this consultation? Did they make anything happen for us? Because that's a lot of money. And so I'm just wondering where that all goes.
00:36:45
Speaker
You're a third year student learning accounting. Yeah. And you're going to question the Dean of Deli University. Just going through the books and just checking it out. I mean, this could be real problems if there's any sort of legal ramifications. And, you know, my father is Mr. IRS. Your father is? That's right.
00:37:09
Speaker
Oh, I'm sorry. I heard about your family and the horses. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know you came from that pedigree. Yes. And oftentimes people of my pedigree enjoy horses as well. Yes. Um, yeah, the numbers, I mean, we had a situation with animals, uh, tuba cobras and yetis on campus and, um, yeah. So I don't know why I'm sweating. Let's be warm in here.
00:37:36
Speaker
I'm not getting a kickback if that's what you're wondering. I didn't even suggest it. Son, come over here. Sit on my knee. Yes, father. I want you to know you did a great job with that university.
00:37:55
Speaker
Thanks, thanks, Pop Pop. I tried my best. You tried your best and you succeeded. And I want you to know now that I'm passing along the family business to you. Now? That's right. But the entire IRS is yours. I'm not ready. You're ready. Look at you. Turn around. Look at yourself in that mirror. What do you see?
00:38:18
Speaker
I see someone who looks and feels entitled. Yeah, that's right. I see someone who's impossibly bureaucratic. That's right, son. And what is this family motto about bureaucracy always been? It's the best. Yeah, it's right there over the door.
Social Interactions and Misunderstandings
00:38:46
Speaker
Louis, wow, I didn't think I see you at this watering hole, if you know what I mean. You're looking great. Don't make a big thing out of it. Can I buy you a whiskey? Oh, yes. Barkeep, two. I hate it when you order like that. It is so rude. Okay, Jessica, just, I meant two Johnny Walker's set. Yeah, because you do know my name. You've been here every other day for the past few years. It's just,
00:39:16
Speaker
I don't know who you're trying to impress like that, you know? I think he might be trying to impress me. Is it working? Is it working? Was that like being, was being super rude like that? Did that work for you? What kind of person are you? I mean, it was working until you were offended. And then I felt, well, I felt like he went too far. All right. Well, here's, here's your whiskies. All right. Assholes. Oh, just,
00:39:43
Speaker
Thanks, Markiep. So where was I? I was just, you're not interested. Markiep's actually a derogatory term. Is it? It is. Oh. But you keep the bar steady and supplied? It's sort of, it's one of those older terms that are just, we kind of think of it as offensive. So if you could not use it like that,
00:40:10
Speaker
All right, I'm gonna go back to hitting on Lewis real quick. Thank you. Maybe we should just go sit at one of the empty tables. I don't think we should sit at this bar. Okay, yeah, just grab your whiskey or just walk over here. Ooh, it's filled so tall. Let me just sip some of it off the top.
00:40:29
Speaker
Here, take a little bit off the top of mine too. Oh, God, you're so sexy. All right. So sexy. Oh, it's the hair, isn't it? Oh, that and the sipping. The sipping is... Well, I just, I learned how to do that a lot as a kid, because I used to laugh.
00:40:49
Speaker
I was only allowed one class of soda, so I'd fill it all the way to the rims. I'm sorry. Who are you guys? We were sitting in this booth. You just came and sat down right next to us. Is this not a community booth? No, this is, what are you, no, this is a booth. It's a restaurant. We thought it was like a bar. You could sit at a bar next to somebody. We thought it's the same thing. Yes, we saw you get up from the bar, sip your drinks along the way, and then just sit in our booth. Like, please, Mike.
00:41:14
Speaker
Well, you guys got to get out and get out of here, huh? You and you and Fabio. Whoa, that is some head of hair. I mean, that really is an incredible head of hair that guy's got. Can I run my hands through that? Gently, but yes. Don't don't pull it. Can we both run through it?
00:41:34
Speaker
Go ahead, but do not pull it. I'll take the left. Okay. Yeah, you want to play tug of war? No, don't pull it. Hey, this wasn't a shot. This was the money shot. I'll read you all on this, buddies.
00:41:53
Speaker
I still don't know what to ask for when I get a haircut. I'm 37 years old. They ask me, how do you want your haircut? And I'm like, just give me the little boy cut. That's still basically it. A little off the sides, a little off the top. I don't know.
00:42:09
Speaker
I give them my headshot and I tell them sign to sign, of course. I'm on a wall like at the dry cleaner. Well, okay, what it is, it's my business card and my business card has my headshot on it. And I say, just make it look like that. And it seems like a 100 by 100 pixel image. Do you guys continue to go to the same place? I don't think I've been to the same hairdresser like twice in my life. Wow.
00:42:39
Speaker
And I have, I liked haircuts, but like I've just forgotten where I gone or like they couldn't get me. And I was like, Oh no, I'm going to do this today. Whether it's you or anybody else. You're scheduling haircuts. Okay. Yeah. It's always like a decision. Like I have to get it done now and I don't care if it's you. Yeah.
00:42:57
Speaker
I've done that. I used to do that. And then I got twice in a row, the worst haircut. There was one guy who, he was giving me a haircut and I wound up with hair much shorter than I wanted it to be with this one because he was giving me a haircut and the whole time telling me that it was his last day working there and screw this place. I hate everyone in here.
00:43:20
Speaker
and he finished the haircut in under 10 minutes. And I immediately drove from there to another location and got a haircut. I was like, I just left the other location of you guys. Somebody please fix this.
00:43:35
Speaker
So that was, and after that, ever since then, I've now gone to the same place every time and usually get the same guy. I went to one guy for a long time, like five or six years, and he was the best, but he was a retired LA detective. And he worked at Old Glory, I think it's called Old Glory, it would shut down since then. And after when the pandemic hit, he stopped cutting hair, never came back from it, or at least not at the place that I was at. Did he tell you stories of being a detective?
00:44:07
Speaker
I have one video from like 2013 where he cut my hair and we were just talking the whole time back when I was like doing earlier YouTube stuff. I don't think he really did tell me much about being a detective. He should have, but he had tattoos all over himself. I would have totally bought drugs from him if he was an undercover cop and been like so surprised.
Haircuts and Family Dynamics
00:44:34
Speaker
I hope you've been flossing. Why don't you go and have a seat and lean back? Uh-huh. Oh, man. These are the last gosh damn teeth I'm ever going to clean in my life. Huh? I'm over it.
00:44:55
Speaker
I'm over it. Here, doctor, I have the tool, the nice clean tools for you. You don't have to use the ones you just used on the last mouse. It doesn't matter. It's not going to matter. End of the day, what are the odds that they had some sort of oral disease? Pretty good the last guy had an oral disease. Okay. All right. I'll use new ones. It's fine. It's a highly contagious oral disease. I mean, I guess it doesn't matter now. It's already in its mouth.
00:45:21
Speaker
Huh? Yeah, you're probably right. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just sue the company. Don't sue me. They're the real assholes here anyway. Can I tell you working under this umbrella, this office has been the worst experience of my life. You could take the little things out of the side of your mouth. We can chat.
00:45:38
Speaker
Okay. Cause I want to stand, but I don't want to stand, right? I want you here so you can hear about all the bullshit that's been going around around this office, man. Oh, I, I, maybe we could just wrap it up for today. I, I would rather just go home. Dr. Bowen.
00:45:59
Speaker
Yeah. Do you mind telling me what he was served for? Oh, he left quick. What's this about?
00:46:09
Speaker
Mal means bad, right? Yeah. Bad practice. I already know you're getting into trouble for bad practice here. I'm going to take, let me out of this chair. I'm going to close up my career on a fricking high note. I'm going to have blend practice right now in your mouth. Just don't, just don't strap these wrists, please. Yeah. Yeah. Here's a gun, single bullet. Have a good one. All right, buddy. You were made.
00:46:40
Speaker
You were like. You, you, you, you, you. Unstrap these wrists, please. You. All right. The bullets for you. That's what I was probably going to do anyway. I just want to build up the drama. Wait. You don't have to do this. You could just you could just wrap up your last day at work and do do good by do good by your clients. And then move on with your life.
00:47:10
Speaker
That's your whole pitch? That's what's keeping this bullet out of my mouth? I don't know, man. I don't know. This is my easiest really. Hey, look what it is. My favorite customer. Come on, have a seat. Have a seat in the high chair. All right. Are we going to do the same haircut, huh? No.
00:47:33
Speaker
No. Okay. All right. We'll change it up. We'll change it up. Honey, you want a different haircut this time? No, I want to do something, do something different. Okay. We'll do something different for my little girl's hair. It's going to look great, honey. You just tell them how ever you want it done and they'll do it for you. Yeah, exactly. I'm here to
00:47:54
Speaker
Shave it off. Shave it off. All right. Shave it off. Honey, are you sure? Yeah, completely shaved. Shave it completely. Like Britney Spears. Britney Spears has hair now. When she didn't. Take inspiration from, you know, when she didn't. Honey, where was this coming from? Or like Sinead O'Connor. Make me look like Sinead O'Connor. She's...
00:48:23
Speaker
She's dead and no one really knows what happened. Not like when she's dead, when she was alive. Oh, okay. Yeah, that gives me a good picture in my head of what exactly you want. A picture would be better, but I'm imagining her right now. Sir, you are not just quite, she is 11 years old. I'm certain she does not know what she wants to do with her hair. Dad, pull up a picture on your phone of Sinead O'Connor.
00:48:52
Speaker
Just type in Sinead O'Connor, SNL rips up. I'll pull it up on there. Why are you humoring her with this? She is 11. She's our daughter and we said that we were going to go with her on her birthday to get her whatever haircut she wants. It was her birthday.
00:49:13
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. All right. So this is, yeah, then you don't want this. Sinead O'Connor, she looks like Jack Scalington. That's what I want. That's what I want. It's her birthday parents. I don't know. Don't you guys have like a bald cap in the back that she could just wear for a while to get the kicks in? I want it permanently.
00:49:30
Speaker
Don't you shave her hair off. She's going to look like a chupacabra if you shave all of her hair off. Hey, buddy. Hey. Oh, I'm so sorry, Gary. I'm so sorry. I didn't see you sitting there. Yeah. Okay. Thanks. All right. Thanks. Well, now I know how you really feel. Okay. Oh, Gary, don't be like that. Don't. And you know what? Technically, I'm a shaved horse. Okay. So how about you just said you were a chupacabra for a very long time. Well, you know what? It doesn't matter what I said. Cause I said, I'm saying that now. Okay. So thanks for seeing me. Okay.
00:49:56
Speaker
And Gary, for the record, we love the way you look. We just don't want our 11 year old girl to look like a Chupacabra or a shaved horse. Well, sounds like she wants to look like a shaved something or other. Okay. Yeah. Okay. That's her birthday. I think we have to let her do this. Happy birthday. By the way, we said we'd give her whatever she wanted for her birthday. And if it's this, then all right. This is under protest.
00:50:24
Speaker
Why don't you sit with her and get the same haircut? What? You just do it one time. It'll be the time that you got a crazy cut with your daughter. There is a crazy cut and then there's a crazy cut. Come on, dad, shave your head with me. Me? I can't. I have to go to the office. Shake your head.
00:50:46
Speaker
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why not? Just shave your head. What's wrong? Why doesn't everybody just get their head shaved? Makes sense to me. It's just I'm known at the office as the guy with the good hair. So I would hate to mess with that. What do you want? That is what they say. That's horrible.
00:51:01
Speaker
It's, uh, well everybody's got a different nickname, I'm the hair guy. Uh, it's, uh- What are some of the other nicknames that you can just- Well, some of the nicknames, well there's Jaws. Jaws? He doesn't look like a shark, he's just got a really good defined jaw. You know? And I don't know why it's plural, but nonetheless, that's like one of them. That's all it is. But nonetheless, it's not about me, I think that you two would look great getting matching Sinead O'Connor cuts.
Office Shenanigans and Closing Credits
00:51:34
Speaker
All right, gang, now to improve office morale, I think we should go around the circle and give each other positive nicknames. Stuff that'll really make us feel good. So we're giving nicknames to each other. To each other. To each other. Think about positive aspects of each other's personalities.
00:51:54
Speaker
All right, I want to be called Muscles. No, no, we're giving them to you. We're giving you the nickname. And it's not going to be Muscles probably now that you've mentioned it. Yeah, you can't pick your own nickname. No, guys, we're not all just calling dibs on, but I'll call Muscles, then fine. I want dibs on Muscles. All right, this is not how this works. We're all going to assign each other something. And so to just make it easier, I'll be Muscles. Wait, that's not how it works. We're going to tell you what we think.
00:52:24
Speaker
Yeah. Why don't you start? You wanted to do this fucking shit. Why don't you start it? Yeah. OK. Well, I'm going to call you inventive mouth on account of the words that you just used. No, I think he meant we were going to name you. OK. OK, fine. What's my nickname? All right. Mouth stuff. Mouth stuff.
00:52:42
Speaker
Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff. Yeah, we'll call it mouth stuff
00:53:12
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post-audio engineer and sound designer, Toy Vocalio, and our incredible Patreon subscribers who helped me afford the creative journey of creating this podcast. If you'd like to support the podcast, consider going to patreon.com slash originalunderstudies.