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Original Understudies - EP97 - Kryptonite
121 Plays10 months ago
Andrew swings in with the timeless question, What is our Kryptonite?
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Shannon Bacchus - @TheShannonBacchus
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Mary Doodles - @Marydoodles
Rob Gamble - @GobertRamble
Tess McCarthy -@BrelaMay
Landon Kirksey LandonKirksey.com
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Transcript
Introduction of Guests
00:00:10
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of original understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions. So before we get any further, let me get the suggestion read aloud. I'm going to read the whole the whole thing. It says, I love the show. The Improv is super. Sorry, that's probably the worst way of reading it. It's far away. The Improv is super. Speaking of which, I've got a question. What's your kryptonite? I'm curious to hear what things completely throw you off your game. Cheers, Andrew.
00:00:49
Speaker
Hey, sorry. And let's introduce the improviser, starting with Shannon Baucus. Shannon, welcome back. ah Where would you like people to find Shannon content online? ah This week, I would like to be found just cruising on my motorcycle. I joined a motorcycle club. ah So i'm I'm a prospect member of the Beachside Motor Club. And so I'd like to be found there. But if you must look on the Internet, it is at the Shannon Baucus. Cool. Eventually, do you get like a jacket that will have the club name? And at what point does it become a gang? A gang? I guess after we hide our first body. But I have a prospect for six months. And then if I become a full member, I get patched in and I get a patch to put on my jacket. You get a patch for your jacket. That's exactly the best. So it is a gang already. Yeah. If I ever see a person in a motorcycle. I didn't start this club. I was invited to join it. Yeah, but whenever I see a person on a bike that has a jacket, that has a patch, I think it's a motorcycle gang, because I don't know what the difference between a club and a gang is. I don't either. I guess I'll let you know in six months.
Identity Changes in Middle School
00:02:04
Speaker
And welcome back Tess McCarthy. Tess. Hello there, James Heaney. I'm doing well. I'm doing well. Would you like people to look for your content online?
00:02:13
Speaker
Yeah, they could. They could find me. They could find me that at a at Brelame on Instagram. Check out my Instagram stories. If you ever wanted to come by and see a comedy show, that's where I announce some Brelame is the ah is it hyphenated and would Brela be like a first name or is it just you can't have one without the other? The whole band thinks Brelame. The way I look at it is Brelame is the name and Brela could be like a nickname for it. That's what I was thinking when I was considering just jumping ship going by Brelame instead of Tess. You know, when I went off to middle school, as we all did in middle school, decided we might change identities until I decided.
00:02:55
Speaker
ah to chicken out because I was in since in seventh grade and that's not the time to be taking chances. I was always Jimmy for many men until i was I moved to a new school. And when I went to the new school, I went by James cause I thought it made me a man. yeah And I was a fourth grade man. And boy, like I felt really much more adult with the name James than James. Oh, so it did work. Oh, absolutely. But you know what the problem was, is you're at school for one week trying to be Mr. Cool popping your collar, but everyone two weeks deep knows you're just a nerd. Like you can't can't escape your personality.
00:03:34
Speaker
And nerds can be men. so Oh, absolutely, but not in the 80s, Shannon. You don't know what it was like. You're right. It was rough. Come on, they're men named Jimmy, not James. Yes. And welcome back, Robert Campbell. Where would you like people to find you online, Rob? People can find me ia on Instagram at Gobert ramble. ah Yeah. Speaking of like middle school identities, I told ah the PE teacher to start calling me Dennis because your middle name. No. doesn't do with me ah because they were holding auditions for Dennis the Menace in like where I like in the area where I lived. And I was like, yeah, I could like I could totally get that part. And so for like three days, she was like, so you got a nickname and go by as a dentist. And she's like, OK. Then three days this later, my mom found out what was going on. She's like, what did you tell him?
00:04:37
Speaker
go Go tell them to change your name back and call you by your real name. Oh, my God. How embarrassing to have to tell people to stop using your nickname. I didn't care. It was just was so determined. And finally, last but not least. Landon Kirksey.
Nicknames and Personal Stories
00:04:56
Speaker
Where would you like people to find you online Landon? Hi, James. Thanks for having me back. um I mean, they can find me at Splandon on Instagram, which that was a nickname that only one person ever called me. And that was my, one of my best friends in high school. His older brother called me Splandon for no discernible reason. It was just every time I came around, he'd be like, Hey,
00:05:17
Speaker
Splendid there's Splendid and then, uh, and that's just always like stuck in my head for some reason. So that's been, that was my Xbox live handle. and That was, that was everything. So like, so then I was like, all right, I was going to roll with Splendid the nickname that one person called me. I thought it was from your your major league gaming years playing Splatoon. Yeah. You know, those are your years I like to put behind me. um But, ah but, you know, your past catches up. ah It has a way of doing that. So, so yeah, I get that.
Performance Kryptonites Discussion
00:05:48
Speaker
Cool. So let's revisit that. ah The suggestion, I think I closed it, but we got it right. Oh yeah. What's your point tonight? what what ah What is your weakness? Now I have, when I read that originally, I was like, well, are they saying like,
00:06:01
Speaker
What are we weak to? like i Like, I can't pass up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which is not true. I can pass a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Is it like your weakness? Or are they talking like, because they were like, oh, the improv is great, but what is your kryptonite as a performer is what I took it to mean. And if that's the case as a performer, it's definitely eye contact and emotional connection. Is it You're lying, right?
00:06:26
Speaker
I think you're lying. I'll never tell. my The first thing I thought of in the context of ah performance or just life in general, is which is hilarious because I spent my nearly my entire life on stage and my kryptonite is just pressure, just knowing that everyone's watching me. i'm good like I am known for choking and cracking under pressure. I competed in beauty pageants for so many years, and I always like mess up the onstage question. I always say something embarrassing. I i have like no like no frame of reference for if I'm ever doing a good job or not, because I'm i probably just fucking it up. but I'm cracking under pressure. like We had a bunch of of of my friends come to our show on Saturday, and I was like, I can't. this is They're all going to see me do improv for the first time.
00:07:18
Speaker
And what happened? Was it good? Like, did they like it? They really liked it. I don't know if I did good, but everyone else did really good. It was phenomenal. They loved it. They loved you. The whole Piker gang was in stitches. I have no idea if that was my doing or not. Everyone else was really good in the show. but just Just pressure in general. One of the reasons you're really good at improv is because if you do crack under the pressure, like the mistakes that you make are probably going to be the best part. So like one can only be so lucky to crack.
00:07:53
Speaker
Yeah, it's ah it's a real sort of like ah ah like what is that immersion therapy where like you you do the thing that scares you the most. And so I'm just like, I'll just got to get going on stage. And it's been 30 years and I haven't gotten any better at not cracking under pressure. That's not true. You're a diamond. your Your pressure forms diamonds, Shannon. It's a real ugly diamond. What's your guys' kryptonite?
00:08:28
Speaker
Well, I'm looking over this resume and you've listed your strengths as being driven, responsible, but but your your weakness is that you crack under pressure.
Comedic Improv: Bomb Squad Skit
00:08:41
Speaker
Oh, yeah. and That's just a little something I've always had. But, you know, don't worry, I think that my other traits more than more than make up for my grand failings in the most important moments of my life. I hear you. It's just that you realize for bomb squad that sometimes not every day, but on occasions, it's going to be life or death scenarios.
00:09:04
Speaker
Yeah, and this is something I've thought about ah to great length when I applied for this position. ah And I can't say I have an answer for you. and Well, I got to be honest, there's not a lot of people applying, so we're going to take you. And I'd like to introduce you to your your your partner. ah it Actually, if if you wouldn't mind, I don't know that giving your weaknesses out to everybody in the crew is a good idea. But you'll be teameing up you'll be teaming up with Cracker.
00:09:36
Speaker
ah Cracker is really good at a different, well, he gets his nickname. He gets his nick he gets his nickname because he does a lot of, like he used to be a a safe Cracker. OK, OK, good. I had to find that. I thought maybe he was he maybe would. You got my new partner chief. You got you got my new partner. Yeah, yeah. Cracker here. Here's our new part. She's a boy. I hope I hope this is better than the last part. I got it. And you know, I got to say I'm so sorry about the last partner, too, because I just don't apologize in front of her. Please don't apologize. She's here. Oh, she's here. This is her. Hi. Hi. My friends call me Cracker. Hi, Cracker. Hey, boss, can I talk to you over here for a second? Yeah, of course, of course. Earmuffs, Cracker. Listen, this guy does not have a very calming energy, and I know that that's going to be the best for my professional work in this field.
00:10:37
Speaker
Listen, I know I know exactly what you're talking about. You're telling me there's a fly. There was a fly over there. I'm fine now. It's I'm sorry. i'm to hear wow yeah he He just scared himself.
00:10:59
Speaker
I am so excited you you asked me out to go on this date, but I just, I'm i'm sorry, is something distracting you? You're just really not but looking at me.
00:11:11
Speaker
There's a bomb in this restaurant.
00:11:17
Speaker
All right, well, if you want to take the night off for a date, then I need you to take the bomb with you and make sure it's diffused before you come back tomorrow, okay? All right, I guess I didn't know that this job would involve working from home. Well, it wouldn't if you didn't need to take the night off. So with the bomb's in the backpack.
00:11:38
Speaker
I'll admit it's it's been distracting me all night. I got called into work, but I told them, no way. I have a date. There's no way I'm going to cancel on her. Right. And I appreciate that because, like you know, it should shows that you're not flaky. But did you just is what you're telling me is you asked me out on a date to a restaurant that you know has a bomb in it. Well, I didn't know that it was going to have a bomb in it. That was more of a coincidence. okay And um okay, so we should get out of here then. Oh, okay.
00:12:17
Speaker
I gotta say, this is a really exciting date. Okay, I'm gonna cut the red wire. Oh, you really don't think you should do that? No. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Really don't do that. Really don't do that. How about I try the blue wire? Oh, OK. I'll try to do it slightly. Not like that. No, not slowly. Not slowly, not slowly, not slowly. OK, quickly. Oh, I like it fast. Nice. You know what? You've really got a touch for this. You've got great hands, and it doesn't really seem to have affected you that I brought an active bomb along on our date, and then also back to your apartment. I mean, as a sidebar, I love role play, so this is so cool that you just went straight in for this. Like, wow, I've never done this before on a first date.
00:13:17
Speaker
OK, chief, I mean, you know, you could say what you want about me and my history, but I'll tell you, I never brought a bomb back to an apartment and then killed an entire apartment building full of people just for a date. OK, I never did that. All right. yeah So crack I hear what you're saying, Cracker, but from my point of view, yeah this is the third partner you've lost. oh I don't know. I don't care whose fault it is. it partner I don't count the date it's partner we're talking about. Well, they were clearly working in tandem when they were ah cutting the wires. Ah, jeez, crackers just can't get ahead. You can have one more chance, but this time I want you to find your partner so I don't need any more excuses. Okay, I guess i guess it's back to the speed dating for me.
00:14:05
Speaker
OK, what is it that you want me to do here? i'm Well, i I guess if I I guess we'll get some guacamole um and then they do a tableside, I believe. And and that's pretty good. And I don't I mean, what do you feel about? Did I scare you? No, I, i just sorry, I just blacked out first. A second one. What happened? Okay. All right. well I thought you were calm under pressure, but you just blacked out. that seems pretty good too No, I just passed out completely sometimes and just, it's just, it's hard to just stay on my two feet, you know? wow But I'm really determined to get this job. Buenas noches amigos, guacamole polo mesa! Oh my god! Okay, great, I'll share those with you. Oh, so many surprises are around here. Like, I don't know if it's such a good idea for me to be... ah
00:15:01
Speaker
You like it spicy? Yeah, I do. Cut the green one. okay howsio it Oh God, Oh God, she's using a knife. Oh geez. I know, she's doing it with the adrenaline. Watch yourself. This is so dangerous. She gets your lime juice in your eye. All right, guacamole for the table, fresh tortillas. Enjoy, amigos.
00:15:23
Speaker
Cracker, I don't think you understand. You're supposed to go speed dating many people. You went with the first guy that you got a table with? Yeah, well, you know, he he was great. And he blacked out. And I thought that that would be a very... Are you talking blacked out like one of those goats that passes out to pretend they're dead? You know what I didn't ask? He just blacked out.
00:15:46
Speaker
Yes, Mr. Martin, we have your test results. And as it turns out, you are 45% Irish, 12% Polish, and 30% goat. Huh. Oh, God. That's big so much. i god I need to. I got to explain so much. They used to call me the goat in college. But I mean, you are definitely going to be the greatest of all time in these medical books. Henry, um sit down, your father, and I need to tell you something.
00:16:27
Speaker
Oh, God. what What is it? Well, go ahead, Martha. Go go ahead. You've always wondered. Thank you, George. Jesus. Go ahead. Tell the boy your shame. George, I don't. George, I don't need your permission. This is my story. It's too much pressure. Oh, God. Oh, here I go. It's starting to get dark. Listen, listen, is listen, listen, Henry. This is actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I think you've always wondered why you've always felt a little different. Why you were never quite like the other, well, kids. ah Why you suddenly black out and have a thick layer of wool over your entire body. Why we couldn't keep any tin cans in the house growing up. You ever wonder about that?
00:17:14
Speaker
Is anyone eating this can right now? I can't. Can I eat just I'm going to chew on this camera. Give me that. Give me Henry. Henry, please, please. That's a treat for later. Henry, I don't know how to tell you this, but 12 years ago, about nine months before you were born, I fucked a goat. What?
00:17:41
Speaker
all right cracker and henry we got a we got a big case for you it's the first one so uh we're gonna try to come up with some new nicknames for everybody if that's okay yeah i think that's probably a good idea because i don't know if i'm succeeding well with this particular nickname no no no i'm not new it's new it's for well i think henry i was thinking hoof hands because of Well, I don't want to say why, but I was thinking whose hands was a good name. I need to request some personal time off pretty soon, Chief. If I know some things that I don't like to say, I think I need to figure myself out. Oh, here's the thing is we trained you pretty good. And this is the first defusing we're sending. a I'm not going to give you PTO until way down the line.
00:18:31
Speaker
Right this way, gentlemen, um we spotted the abandoned backpack on the third floor of this municipal court building. There are a lot of valuable documents here, a lot of documents that certain groups might want to disappear. Can you please help us? We don't want to touch it. Yeah. Yeah. Usually a bomb is the best way to get documents to disappear. yeah We're going to check this out. All right. OK, there's there's the backpack right there. Oh, you see, it's ah it's on a series of pedestals and platforms. I can't seem to get up there. It's OK. I got this one. I just put it and put it in my hoof hand, please. And I'll get up there. and i'll
00:19:14
Speaker
I'll cut the wire myself. I want you to get out of here, okay? Oh my God, is goat has man yeah that a building to defuse a bomb? No, fan you you can't do this for yourself. You're the only 25 years away from retirement. He's so furry. He's so So agile. How does he stand on such a tiny ledge? Please get away. Get away. People leave. yeah y Tell my parents that I love them. This is incredible. I'm going to send this to TMZ. I'm so glad we took this tour of this municipal office building on our vacation. You were so right, Geraldine. I love you. I love you.
Challenges of Eye Contact in Performance
00:20:10
Speaker
I do struggle with eye contact, and there's two different sides of it that I struggle with. so and This might be more of a weakness than I really want to share with people, but sometimes so I'll notice that I don't look people in the eye, but then when I start looking people in the eye, I feel uncomfortable with it. like maybe i have to Do you pick one eye or the other? like ah It's it's a struggle. and the more, the more you start thinking about making eye contact. Now, the difference is when I'm on stage and I'm playing a character, oh, it's easy to make eye contact. I had to think about it. The one time on stage that I ah do not like eye contact is in a freeze type game, like dance freeze, or if there's like your scene freezes while another goes on. And then you're just, the character somehow falls away and you're just making eye contact with someone you've been doing improv with for a couple of months. Don't really have that deep of a friendship with. And you are gazing into each other's eyes. I do not like that one big.
00:21:20
Speaker
long, long, sustained eye contact in front of the public. I love it. I mean, I was i was fun in earlier, ah but I enjoy the that exact thing that that Tess is talking about. um like I want to fall into your eyes. I just want to and i want to get in there, and I want to you know stretch out, live there for a little bit. You're really describing why I don't like it. because like you. I know. Yeah, that's exactly right. I was on stage for this stand up show where you pull suggestions out of a bucket and riff off them and you do it with another person on stage and it's random. So you don't know who you're going to go on stage with. And this one guy and I are up there reviving and we're like doing pretty good, like chatting, riffing.
00:22:03
Speaker
And I was wearing like sort of a paisley patterned shirt and he was just staring at my shirt. And I was like, do you not do eye contact or are you just hypnotized by my shirt right now? And he was like, it's both. It's definitely both. I was like, okay, cool. I'm like, if you're not working with eye contact, that's totally cool. Okay. Like I surround myself with comedians. Eye contact isn't very popular around here. And so I'm like, you don't have to look at me, but I just want to make sure you're not just staring at my tits. That's... As long as we're not doing that, it's cool. I mean, a paisley pattern, you may as well be wearing like swirly hypno swirls because that's like, you know, that's easy to just get lost in. What's those 3D printed things where you had to like, you know, space out your eyes and then come into focus and then you see like an image? And now you see a sailboat. And now there's that incredibly overused 3D AI-generated image where it's always the face of what the stereotypical Jesus is. Have you guys seen this? White Jesus? Well, it's not white Jesus. It'll be a picture, and it's so AI-generated because you'll have the distorted hands and everything. But when you do the magic eye, every time it's the same face of Jesus, or I've gone and snapped. And that's just what I'm seeing everywhere. I don't know, James. I don't know if I've seen this.
00:23:22
Speaker
Either AI has gone too far or James is having a religious revelation. It's probably that like you click on it once and then it's going to start showing up. So maybe not everybody's getting ah subjugated. to I don't know if that's what I word either.
00:23:42
Speaker
subjected to it But yeah, I see it all the time, but it's probably because I clicked on it once. And now it's like, it'll be, you know, it's weird stuff, like a forest, but you look at it and it turns into Jesus' face. Or it's like people that are yeah fishing, but if you look closely at it, their arms and stuff are like not right. And then it turns into Jesus. It's like when you're going through a breakup and the other person's face is everywhere. Except it's Jesus. It's the face of Jesus Christ. exactly fear Yes. And their faces never on their body anymore at all.
00:24:20
Speaker
Oh, OK, God. ah Here's the thing. um We're going to have to break up. All right. You and me. its just It's just not working out. All right. Are you kidding me, David? No, I'm sorry. I met someone else. They're a lot more fun. You're kidding. ah They like doing things with me that you don't. And, you know, I wish the best of luck to you. OK, just just tell me one thing, David. Please just tell me you're not leaving me for Greek mythology. How did how did you know?
00:25:01
Speaker
No, no, you're you're going to Zeus. Are you serious? There's just so many options. OK, and the sex is so much better. OK, I mean, we have sex. Yeah, we do have sex. It's boring missionary stuff.
00:25:21
Speaker
So what did he say? That's just it. Yeah, I told him I threw him off the trail. I'd said some great stuff. But you know, it's just you told me we were leaving him for Zeus. Yeah, I said Zeus. Yeah, it was an option. But, you know, that's pretty smart. I don't think you'd ever expect this. You know, this is I mean, this is the exact this was the be the most obvious thing that I think that They'd probably expect, but I don't know. Santa? I finished all the toy boxes. Where should we put them? Get back in the workshop. Get back in the workshop. I'm going. I'm going. Sorry about that. It's off season, so you know like it's just hard. you know like I got their fucking union on my back and everybody else, and they've got to have their benefits anyway. It's going to be so annoying. It has to be after a while.
00:26:16
Speaker
Okay, everyone's got themselves a mini donut hole and a coffee, right? Yeah, because it's time. It's time for our union to rise up and ask for a new contract. Yeah, new contract.
00:26:36
Speaker
I hear organizing in there! Everyone pull out your miniature hammers and start building a tiny train again. You'll never know. Kids don't even ask for these anymore. Why do we keep building them? That's better. I'm hearing tiny train noises. Very good. I'm gonna walk away. There better be no organizing. Or Santa's up your ass.
00:27:02
Speaker
This just in on CNN, it seems like Santa Claus has been busted for labor laws. ah We are now ah going live to what seems to be an organization that is a particular person in the organization that's complaining about the the labor, having to pee in the bottles and. Yeah, tell them, Tipsy, tell them. Hi there. Thanks for having us, Anderson. Yeah, it's not a problem. Our demands are simple, fair labor conditions, more candy canes, and basic respect. Isn't that what we all want in the world? I think it is, which makes us elves no different than you humans. Wow, because of that one.
00:27:54
Speaker
So also rumors of Santa wanting to go into space next. Is that a thing that's for real or is he just touting his money in front of everybody? put anything past that corporate bastard. There's no mountain too high for him to want to chop down and sell the children. Anderson, listen, I'd like to just make a statement here first. First of all, ah thank you for not inviting me on your show, but I do see you when you're sleeping and when you're broadcasting. So, ah you know, you couldn't help it.
00:28:30
Speaker
but and surveillance you hear that andson have to understand the surveillal people i'm santa claus like just something wants to happen I mean, I do enjoy that popups. So yeah, that's, you know, like there's just, this is just what it is at a certain point. Uh, but first of all, I just want to say that, you know, I, things have been really complicated over at the North pole for a long time. And, uh, As we try to navigate this new future, we want to make sure that we treat everybody fairly. um I was also in a new relationship, so things were very different for me personally, and so things got a little weird.
00:29:12
Speaker
Hey, Nick, thanks for meeting me, man. It's been's been a while since it got into ketchup. I've just I've been going through it, you know, like David left me for Zeus and you've been under some fire. I saw that interesting Cooper. You're in a new relationship. That's great, though. Good for you, man. It's working out pretty well. um Yeah, I'm. Who is it? What happened to Mrs. Claus? Well, Mrs. Claus fell in love with a goat. Oh, and wow. Do you think you know someone? That's right. Yeah, that's what I said. Yeah. No, not like you. You've always been there for me, Nick. I'm seeing David. David who? I'm seeing David. You're David King David.
00:30:01
Speaker
I just want to get this certified as a real Jesus face in my toast. It came there. It was it was a miracle. And if I could just get the, is there a notary here? Like, what how do we get this officially? Well, let's see, you've come to a public library. So we've got we've got a law student who comes by about, yeah, about this time on Thursdays to give free legal advice to the public with that one. I guess that's not what I was hoping for, though. I thought that you guys librarians were kind of like, you know, scrolls and and deep texts and and you could officially you don't have that. What what do you do? Well, you know, it it used to be like that, but these days it's mostly unlocking the toilets and lecturing about the Dewey Decimal system. But you know what, sir?
00:30:58
Speaker
Pardon me, I don't want to get too personal here, but you went looking for Jesus in your toast. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It found me. I had nothing to do with it. Look at the toast. It looks pretty much like Jesus, right? Well, it looks like a face. I guess I'm just wondering. What year is this really searching? In his toast standing in for?
00:31:30
Speaker
Uh, so I hear that you have a Jesus toast for sale and I'm willing to buy it. I'll pay upwards to $500,000 for this thing. Are you willing to sell this? Oh, well, yeah, absolutely. That's kind of what I'm in it for. That's what I'm in it for. Looking for God for so long. And now I've found him in a piece of toast. ti You don't need any additional. This is it. I do need a certificate of authenticity. If you have that with you, I don't have that with me. That's that's been the hang up.
00:32:04
Speaker
Excuse me, sir, are you the one selling the Jesus toast? Yes, absolutely. I am willing to pay $675,000 for your Jesus toast. All I need is your promise ahh that you think the Spirit of the Lord lives in this toast. Without a shadow of a doubt. OK, my own promise. Yes. Your good word as a man. Hey, are are you the one selling the Jesus toast? I am. It's in this Ziploc bag right here.
00:32:40
Speaker
incredible I'm a Baptist priest, and I can guarantee you a spot in heaven if you just hand that toast over with a certificate of authenticity, a promise that you believe the spirit of Jesus Christ lives in that toast, and maybe a few bucks for the collection plate.
00:33:08
Speaker
I mean, I would love to verify your Jesus toast. I really would. the The problem that I'm seeing here is that I'm I'm getting it's not as much. I don't I am not getting Jesus out of this. I see fishermen. I see that their arms are a little too long. um I see that their hands are a bit misproportioned, but I don't I don't see Jesus per se. to thou Those things aren't on my toast. I see arms too long. Yeah, this is just what I'm seeing. I see a scene of fishermen. Let me flatten this out. It's just gotten a little crumpled in the bag. Oh, it's gotten crumpled. It's gotten crumpled toast. Let me just flatten this out. Do you see Jesus now? I'm still not getting it. i mean Am I supposed to like cross my eyes or something or like look through it?
00:34:01
Speaker
Hi sharks, I'm coming to you today for a part share in my company for my new product, Jesus Toaster. Now we are selling it as a regular toaster to only Christian groups, but on the inside we actually did put an imprint of Jesus's face. So every time they make toast, they think it's Jesus and they think they are blessed by the Lord. Who then?
00:34:25
Speaker
Yeah, hey, I've got I've got a couple questions about that. ah So it sounds like a really disentaneous product. You're not telling the truth to the consumer. And that's a concern for me. Well, you know, people choose to believe in anything they want to believe. And are they asking if there's a Jesus imprint face on the inside of the toaster? No. If they ask, sure we'll tell them, but no one's asked.
00:34:53
Speaker
Hey, God, listen, I feel bad about taking your taking your boyfriend. So my king, you took my king. I got you. I got your gift. um This is it's it's really nothing. It's. Well, it's a toaster, but it's, you know, a little. have the face of your son on it every time you make toast. So I figured it's kind of like a digital frame, but it's not, if you know, it's like one of those, you know, instead of just going to like create a picture every time. or I don't know. I thought you might like it. Just so you know, this is not made by elves. So I was going to ask is, you know, I didn't do that. They all.
00:35:31
Speaker
They all walked out, but luckily we're where we moved away from that. We're using non-union workshops overseas. So it's a lot cheaper. I mean, this is a gesture to be sure, but what what does it mean, Nick? but you You think we can move past this? Well, you and David are off being happy and I'm just eating toast with my son's face on it. The truth is David left. ah So. Where'd he go? Well, he moved on. So I'm left lonely again. You couldn't take care of him? Who can I take care of?
00:36:11
Speaker
David, these have been the an elf's husband. Oh, I... Yeah, that sounds great. I mean, ever since I saw you in a workshop, just nailing away. I was like, that is it. That is that's the person for me. Somebody that worked very seriously. Desk and table. That's what I need in my life. Yep. That's what the that's what the kids ask for desks and tables.
00:36:49
Speaker
I like a good carpenter. You know what I mean? Kind of reminds me of a guy that I used to know. I can't think of his name. It's all the tip of my tongue. ah I don't know something about toast. Oh. Well, look, we we should we should get out of here as quickly as possible. I don't want old Nikki to come up in here while we're, you know, catch on to what we're doing. You know what I mean? I need we need to get ah go to the Cayman Islands or something. Oh, yeah, it was pretty risky for me to bring you here to my onsite housing at the North Pole. I don't care if he's only seven inches tall, he needs his own seat, okay? He needs his own seat if he's flying on this airplane.
00:37:35
Speaker
and a ticket to go along with that seat. Look, it's not my fault if airline regulations failed to think of the existence of workshop elves. Well, it doesn't matter. It's not even your size, seven inches, 10 inches, a hundred inches, a thousand. Well, maybe not. If you don't have a seat, you don't get on the flight. Kevin, this is the elf whistleblower. This is the one that destroyed Santa's workshop. I don't think we're gonna win this one, frankly. We don't need this kind of publicity at Delta, okay? Who's gonna do? Where's he gonna sit? There's no sit, there's no seats. Give him a seat, give him a seat. Fine, he's an elf. Can he go in the overview? But only one piece of personal item, okay?
00:38:24
Speaker
That's all I need. All of my other items were seized by my rude employer. Hey, hey, what's the holdup? Why are you letting him on the plane? He's getting on the plane now, but I'd be honest. I'm not happy about it. Good afternoon, folks. Welcome welcome aboard flight DT7612 Cayman Islands. We're gonna be departing in about 15 minutes to the Grand Cayman Island. So take your seats, get comfortable. ah Welcome aboard Delta Airlines, where no matter how tall you are, you you are welcome.
00:39:05
Speaker
Good afternoon, folks. This is your co-pilot's pick. Oh, wait a minute. You already did that? Oh, sorry. No, no, no, it's okay. Did you want to say something else? No, I blacked out for a second. I do that sometimes. That's just fine there, Mark. It's just a thing that I do. Good evening, everyone. This is your head flight attendant. Well, I guess the pilots already kind of covered everything. Go ahead, Marianne. You do a good job. We did it all. We're going to be doing drink service in two hours. I've had that. Did you do? We didn't do the safety briefing yet there, Margaret. Oh, it doesn't matter. It's a plan. No one listens. We're not going to crash. But hey there, folks, just in case you're wondering, we do not plan on crashing on our way to the great island of Grand Cayman. Who's planning to swim with dolphins when they get there? I know I am. We might do it before then. Oh.
00:40:02
Speaker
flying and putting in your personal item. Do you ever rat people out? I'm items up there. I tattletale James. I've I've only I haven't tattletaled in a while. You know what? I used to fly a lot more. often I do. my i only I only pay for the personal item, but then I wear a big jacket at the airport and I sneak other bags inside my jacket. You're like a magician. Don't you dare say I'm a magician. I hate magicians and everyone knows that. sew in pockets like
00:40:41
Speaker
I'm just gonna stuff some chargers down my pants to get everything onto things. But then do you put that jacket up in the overhead bin? If I must, James. Oh my God. Also, the people who sit in the exit rows, they're not allowed to put their stuff under their seat. All their stuff has to go above. But that's different. That's part of the rules. People are just trying to live their life, James. I was a little sneaky on my last flight. I was in Japan and I found just the cutest umbrella you've ever seen. ah It looks like tulip when you open it up. So you're shielded by the rain from a little ah with a little little but little flower.
00:41:18
Speaker
But unfortunately, it was ah much too long to go in my suitcase. So I like hooked it on to my jacket. I was wearing around my waist and just had it kind of danged one next to my leg like it was part of my outfit. And yeah I got that baby back to America. Boom. That's right. Just stuff it down your pants and then just tell people it's a leg split. You know, it's my leg split. Not even joking, I was considering that, but I didn't want to i didn't want to get put in airport jail. But i I did think about putting it down my pants.
00:41:57
Speaker
I almost got put in airport jail in Vietnam. What did you do? I had a ah taser in my backpack. That'll do it. That'll do it. Every time. I got to say, I'm kind of on their side on this one. Listen, said I brought bring that taser with me to every single state I travel to. It's always in my backpack. And then it allows you to fly that everywhere? It looks like a pen, you know? And nobody questions it. It's a Vietnam. yeah I flew with that thing to Thailand and to um ah Laos, and no one said boo until I got to Vietnam. Well, i don't I don't want to get myself into trouble here. But if it really does look like a pen, then I'm willing to face that taser and find out if it actually works. And if it does, they tested it in the security line and you have. I don't know. They tested it. They were like, what is it? And I was like, I don't know. What is it? And they press the button and it like zaps. And I was like, I'm going to jail for sure. And they just confiscated it and sent me on my way. Oh, my God. I saw.
00:43:08
Speaker
we had I saw Lloyd tried to do a short form improv YouTube show. And when I say tried, he absolutely did it and it executed it. It was great. I just wasn't in it. So I will always consider it tried. But I was there when we were rehearsing it and before they had tested it, they wanted to have these punishments and they were going to have it where you got tased if you did X thing wrong. And Joey Greer at the rehearsal was the only person, and once they taste taste him, they're like, okay, we can never do this again.
00:43:43
Speaker
Well, I'm so sorry, but i I've got a punishment onstage story. um We were playing, ah if any improvisers out there are familiar with family dinner, you get an audience to describe their family dinner. If you do something that would happen that one of their family members would do, you get a ding, like a thumbs up, um or you get up and a thumbs down. on Senior year of high school, my coach thought it would be fun if when you got a thumbs down, you had to eat a dollop of wasabi paste. Oh, God. Oh, boy. And I'm not one to shy away from a bit. So I did end up eating half a tube of wasabi paste on stage in front of 200 people. And my parents confirmed that from the, well, from the audience, they also did not enjoy it. So I didn't know that it was.
00:44:41
Speaker
I apologize, but we're not going to be able to let you go through the security with all of that wasabi. What? Why not? We consider that a liquid because it's it may be a very thick liquid. but It comes from a root. Please, sir. Actually, ma'am, sorry. Sorry to back him up here. Thank you. She's my boss. This is actually considered a dangerous weapon in Iowa. um awful I get one vacation my whole life. the The residents here cannot handle this level of spice and you're bringing it in by the pound. You need to have some understanding, some respect.
00:45:25
Speaker
Yeah, well, I'm trying to teach my family a lesson. Thanksgiving's going to be crazy. They will never be able to develop their taste buds. I'm sorry. What we can do for you today is as long as you don't open it and keep it sealed, you can have this creamy horseradish sauce. It's very creamy. It's very safe in Iowa. Subtle on the gut. Now, I didn't want to do this. but inside this pen is a taser. Oh my God. And if you run me on that plane. Well, that's allowed in Iowa, ma'am. That's allowed in Iowa. Cool. Okay. Well, I'll just use this on my family instead. Okay. You guys keep the wasabi. Well, have a safe flight, ma'am. Take care. Bye-bye. Have fun in Boise. That's Idaho. Just kidding. What are we going to do with this wasabi?
00:46:11
Speaker
I was lying. I wanted the wasabi. She could have taken it with her, but I can't believe it. She fell for it. I know. I know. We're going to make so much money on the Black Market. Hey, they're just on my shoes. Sorry. Got to grab those. Slick them back. All right. You do have a great day. Goodbye. Wow. That was close. That was really close. I got it. It was so close. Do you want to taste it? Is he if it's high quality? I mean, I'm sure it would make me sick.
00:46:44
Speaker
You'll see this is a perfectly ordinary paperclip. And as it stands as a perfectly ordinary paperclip, if you want to unfold it like so, it becomes worthy of 10 sticks of dynamite. Wow. that's of the professor yes Yes, indeed. um And you can take that with you and it will not be confiscated by TSA or any state or federal police agency. That is something that you can slip in yourself. Phenomenal.
00:47:18
Speaker
Ah, and if you look at this, this here, this looks like a perfectly ordinary stapler. And you see, it even works as a stapler. You can staple two pages together, as I have done just now. And you can staple even three or four pages together. The strength of the stapler is intense. And it has very normal works on standard size staples. And it will not be confiscated by any TSA or police. Professor, what about that pen right there? Yeah, that looks like a pretty sharp, dangerous thing. Yeah. This is a sex toy. If you take it, then it will just will simply be a sex toy. You can slip it in your bag and it will be as I'd like to go back to the stapler, please. And you'll see this stapler is very. Professor, that satisfying I mean, I really appreciate this criminology course in an undercover agency, but I can't picture how that stapler could hurt somebody in distress. That's right. And that's why it will not be confiscated by any TSA agent. I'm sorry, Professor, is the stapler just a stapler or is it something else disguised as a stapler? No, no, this this stapler is just a stapler. OK. The the paper clip was dynamite. The pen is a sex toy. The stapler is just a stapler.
00:48:34
Speaker
you
00:48:50
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post-audio engineer and sound designer, Toyvo Khalil, and our incredible Patreon members who have helped me afford this creative journey. I'm not accepting any new suggestions. So if you put suggestions in and they haven't been used, I wholeheartedly apologize. They will eventually be used. But we're creating no more new recordings until I come back with the season two. So hold tight. But in the meantime, if you're looking for original Understudies content, I'm going to be putting some new stuff out at twitch dot.tv slash original understudies. And you can always go to originalunderstudies.com where you can have access to different episodes. There's access to the live stream. And do you know what the hell? Just give it a look. Check it out. Have a great day.