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Original Understudies - EP 93- Politeness Timer
146 Plays11 months ago
This weeks suggestion is, Politeness Timer
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Josh Spence - Super Legit Podcast
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Trevor Tevel - Duoingo @Trevor279972
Jack Zullo - JackZullo.com
Amy Bury - @bury0007
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Host Welcome
00:00:08
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Original Understudies where I've gathered the world's most Original Understudies and we're going to perform improv comedy for you using your suggestions. If you'd like us to use your suggestion to inspire the show, why wouldn't you? Go to OriginalUnderstudies.com. This week's suggestion, fabulous, it is politeness limitation timer.
00:00:37
Speaker
And while we're thinking on that, let's introduce today's improvisers. Listener, what we have here today is a veritable cornucopia funny. A pantheon of A-list talent so good that I secretly and openly loathe them because they are that damn good.
00:00:57
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, let's start with first on the call sheet and first in your heart. Accounting by day, indie improv mogul by night, you're for never and always co-host on the Superlegit podcast. I'm your actual host for today's episode of Original Under Studies. I'm Josh Spence. And I have to admit, the grass is indeed greener on the other side. Thank you so much for having me today, James. Truly a pleasure, thank you.
00:01:22
Speaker
Enough about me though, considering we still have a whole show to go through, but allow me to introduce the rest of the cast. I have paid good money to see this man on stage, millions of times. Some would say he's an improviser's improviser.
00:01:37
Speaker
Treville Tevel, how are you and where can we find you should you want to be found?
Cast Introductions and Online Personas
00:01:42
Speaker
Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much. Well, currently I'm on Duolingo. You can find me at Trevor 279972. Or if you're into chess, I just got into chess. You can find me at Go Ninja Go Ninja Go, which is
00:02:05
Speaker
Inspired by the famous Vanilla Ice song from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Revenge of the Ooz. So yeah, you can find me on chess.com or do a lingo. That's great. And I'm doing great too. Thank you for asking. I appreciate that so much. It was insinuated.
00:02:26
Speaker
That's OK. No, we're fine. We'll get past this. This lady needs no introduction, yet I am contractually bound to do so. So here we are. Some would say she is an improvisers, improvisers, improvise.
00:02:41
Speaker
Amy Berry, how the hell are you? Where can we find you should you want to be found? I am doing great and you can find me. I'm doing fine, thanks for asking. Oh my God. You know, my politeness timer is already up. I didn't even care. I didn't even ask. I just went right past it. No, we're not that far at the show yet, but how the hell are you? Where can we find you? I'm great. And you can find me in the comments section on Yahoo's weather.
00:03:09
Speaker
the weather portion, I like to troll people there, I like to turn every weather comment into political comment. It sounds like a sub-sack to me, I would pay good money for that as well.
00:03:22
Speaker
I'm actually not sure if it exists. I was just trying to be very creative because I was following up such a... I mean, honestly, I'm on no interesting sites. I have a very low profile on the internet. I don't know. Of all the Amy Burries, I know you are my favorite. Thank you. Moving on, this man, this degenerate, stole $500 from me and $100 from Byron Kennerly because he is that damn good at fantasy basketball.
00:03:51
Speaker
Some would say he's an improvisers, improvisers, improvisers, improviser. Jack Zulo, how the hell are you, man? Where can we find you should you want to be found? I'm good, Josh. How are you doing? I'm doing great, but this isn't about me. It's about you. How are you? I'm doing well. You could find me failing my way to the lower middle on TikTok at Jack Zulo.
00:04:17
Speaker
Guys, that's a prime sign up, get it while you can. And James Herny, how are you? Heney, Heney. Well, you're things that hurt me, so. Oh, jeez Josh. On the funding, it says, where would you like to be fun? So where can we fund you?
00:04:36
Speaker
Well, you could, technically you could fund me at patreon.com slash original understudies TV. But you know what? This is where I'd like people to find me. I have started at 24 hours a day, seven days a week, Twitch stream at twitch.tv slash original understudies TV. There's about, there's all sorts of crazy things that are going on. I'm excited. And we're going to start having a schedule where certain things are released and we can have like watch parties with stuff.
00:05:06
Speaker
So check it out. It's totally free and it'll be fun. And if I could be 100% frank with you before we get back to the suggestion, I just wanted to say, I've been such a huge fan of yours for so long, James, like, you know, just watching you on stage and all the stuff you do at Westside Comedy. You did a couple of indie improv shows for me when you clearly didn't have to and you blew the house away. It was so much fun. I had no idea how much I was gonna miss that theater until it was gone. Yeah, that's what everybody said.
00:05:35
Speaker
Oh, it just breaks your
Exploring Politeness in Improv
00:05:37
Speaker
heart. Like you came on the super legit pod and like the moment it was, we were done recording, everybody was like, we got to have them back soon. So, uh, you've extended the balls of my court. Now it's back in your court. You just got to keep.
00:05:51
Speaker
passing the ball to each other because you're one of my favorite people. So thank you for having me. Well, thank you, Josh. I appreciate that. So let's pick up. So just just going back, the original suggestion, and I think I exuded it by being a complete jerk to all of the wonderful cast members here, was politeness, limitation, timer. And like the idea for that is how long does it take you to snap when dealing with chumps, even if it's on the inside?
00:06:19
Speaker
because we're all nice people, but on the inside, it's there. I know it. Oh my gosh. So I don't know about you guys, but you know, like when you have like fights in your head with people that actually haven't happened in real life and then you like see them afterwards. Sure. So then I think like I'm coming into this and the politeness inside internally, the politeness limitation timer is already off because we've had a full conversation. Right.
00:06:45
Speaker
How often do you lose those conversations where you're arguing with somebody in the shower or in your head? You lose? I'm unstoppable in my head. I start out winning, I start out winning, but then they end up stumping me. I get to a place where I don't have a comeback and I'm like, I'll come back to this leader.
00:07:03
Speaker
I guess it's not a loss, but it's like, you know, like a retreat for sure. My politeness limitation timer is set to zero. I honestly, like I am a really, as James will tell you, I'm a really nice guy. I'm very, I try to lead with love and be empathic. Well, I am empathic. That's why I try to lead with love. But if you start being
00:07:32
Speaker
mean to me, I will call you the fuck out on it quickly. I do not take shit from people because I've taken enough. As I like to say, I've had my Popeye moment. That's all I can stand. And I can't stand no more.
00:07:56
Speaker
I guess if I'm in a car, my politeness timer is zero. But in real life, I will usually just be polite to my own demise. And there was
00:08:09
Speaker
one specific time, I was not that long ago, I was on the phone with a pretty heavy conversation with my sister. And I had gone outside to the street so that I wasn't like talking in my apartment. And I'm talking on the phone with like Bluetooth headphones. And this guy goes by me on a bicycle with like a bandana tied around his face.
00:08:29
Speaker
And he turns around and he starts yelling at me. He's like, why are you taking pictures of me? You can't take pictures of me. And all of a sudden I started apologizing to him like, oh, I'm so sorry. And then I realized this guy's scoping cars out to like rob it. So I snap. I'm like, fuck you mother fucker. And I'm screaming at the guy in the streets. So my politeness timer will sometimes almost get me in trouble. But once I do snap it, I unfortunately, probably not for the best, go from zero to a hundred quick.
00:08:59
Speaker
That's so good. I think I'm the I had a car thing as well and I think it's
00:09:05
Speaker
Unfortunately, I think this is more of a reflection of who I am as a person than the other people in this story. Traffic is the main instigator, and I'll be in the slow death march driving home. And then as soon as like a car swerves or cuts me off into my lane, I'm just like, you asshole, blah, blah, blah, blah, in my head, just losing it. But as soon as they leave into the next line, I'm like, oh yeah, no big deal. It's fine. What?
00:09:33
Speaker
I went full, because you're saying the story, I'll try to be quick about it. I went full fight club on somebody recently. I was walking my dog. I have like a special needs emotional dog. And she was trained with treats. We go walking past two people on the street. It's a woman and a younger woman. And my dog obviously like saw a closed hand and sniffed.
00:09:58
Speaker
the girl's hand with a wet nose, the girl jumped and squealed, and I was looking at my phone because I was trying to text a family member who just had a family member die, and I said sorry, and I kept on going, and the other woman started giving me so much guff that it turned into, I actually have the video as she walked up to yell at me, and I started screaming like, I'm sorry, I love you, can't we just talk this out?
00:10:27
Speaker
Please. I said, I'm sorry. I started losing my mind and I started saying, like, I love you. Please come talk to me as they're walking away. Like, I lost my bird. But like in a way of love, I leaned into love. I guess it could have been worse when you said Fight Club. I was like, did he what what is about to happen in this story with this lady with this lady? Fight Club with the lady.
00:11:06
Speaker
What, what, what, what? License and registration. Okay, just a second, officer. I'm sorry, what was I doing, officer Bradley? Yep, officer Bradley is my name.
Improv Sketches: Comedy of Politeness
00:11:24
Speaker
Thank you for handing over your license and registration. Have you ever heard of going Popeye?
00:11:32
Speaker
Oh, I haven't. I didn't honestly know that that was a thing, but I don't know many. I'm tragically uncool, so I don't actually really know many hip words. I just use the word hip, therefore, you know, you get it.
00:11:48
Speaker
Well, ma'am, you went full Popeye on the highway. I saw you. I was in the lane to a cross. I saw you crack open a can of spinach. A can of spinach and slam it in my... Okay, I had a feeling that was it. I had a feeling that that might've been what you're talking about, but I...
00:12:09
Speaker
I just, I didn't, you know, I don't know references these days. Now, ma'am, you rolled down your window. You stuck your torso out. You said, I am what I am. Yeah. And then you proceeded to punch the Tesla. Yeah. I did the wind up thing to the wall.
00:12:28
Speaker
And then I found the megaphone. I found the megaphone. Sorry. It's take your child to work day. Good job. Good job. She went Popeye.
00:12:43
Speaker
See, you know, these kids know everything. And I just, you know, I didn't even realize what I was doing was a thing. I just do it all the time. You know what I mean? I understand. So as far as, you know, this is a first time, you know, the first time I've been caught going, as you call it, Popeye. Is there anything we can do to make this go away?
00:13:11
Speaker
Yes, you can take this ticket and you can pay for this ticket or you can show up to court and I will be there. Hopefully my wife will have my son that day, but if not, he will be in attendance as well.
00:13:36
Speaker
Do you mind if I sneak in front of you? I'm in a rush and my dog's in the car. I just want to check out real quick. I mean, I've I've been in line for. Thank you. I didn't. Excuse me. Go ahead. Excuse. That's thank you. Oh, sorry, my my my daughter's bring in the car. Can you make room for her? Yeah, I've come this far. Sure. I. Thank you.
00:14:07
Speaker
Oh, where's those coupons? Where did I put those coupons? You know, I just want to mention I have a dog in the car and I don't think I left the windows rolled up and I'm trying to get the dog water. So the sooner we can get this through, yeah, the sooner.
00:14:21
Speaker
Well, I have my dogs in the car and I know the windows are up. So you might have a dog problem, but I know I have a dog problem. No, that's my fallacy. You're right. Do you have your club card? Oh, geez. Do you mind if you look it up on the phone number? Oh, sure. Just give me your number and I'll punch it in right now. It's gonna be one of these three different phone numbers. I will happily provide my club card if it just means the process is long.
00:14:51
Speaker
I think he's hitting on me. I don't think he's hitting on me, please. It's okay. I don't wanna, I wanna use my phone card. I will take any one of the four phone numbers to check out which one of you has got a club card here. Here, take mine.
00:15:06
Speaker
And Miss, I just wanted to emphasize that even though I am offering to use my phone number here, this wasn't any type of coming on of any sort. You don't think that there was at least a possibility I was going to memorize your phone number, call you later, and you were going to try to hook up.
00:15:24
Speaker
Well, look, I mean, if we're planning things out and it's like an Nancy Meyers type thing, yeah, this would be a wonderful meet cute. And then we would meet each other again in Rhode Island and spend the weekend together and fall hopelessly in love. But you know what? I just let you in and we both have dogs. Okay. You don't care that I have a daughter? I mean...
00:15:46
Speaker
No one really cares about me. I mean, she barely gets in the way at all. And I was lying about the dog. I don't have a dog. I didn't even see her. You know what? I'm so sorry. Messe, please take my spot in front for your next look. Why don't you just pay for these groceries and we just get out of here together? Is that gonna be cash or check?
00:16:10
Speaker
I don't know what's up to it. Oh, I could pay. I could pay. I could pay. Or I mean, I mean, I'm happy to pay as well. But, you know, I wouldn't want you to think I'm trying to serve your your your your personhood and trying to you want me over. You want me over. It's you know what?
00:16:30
Speaker
You're a gentleman. You let me step in front of you. Did somebody give me a number yet? Or did you not give me an... I'm standing here. This is my job. Don't make me get mad at you. I need help. I got you.
00:16:45
Speaker
I want to say I respect what you do and you are one of the hardworking people of the city. You are probably one of the frontline workers during the COVID response. And I thank you. And if you want to exchange numbers at some point and we can talk and work things out to show my appreciation, I'm happy to do that as well. Are you getting her number now? We just hooked up. You're a sleazeball. You know what? I'm just going to go out to my car with my daughter. Sam, let's go. Security.
00:17:12
Speaker
Security, they're stealing that. They're stealing that. I'm just leaving all this. I'm leaving all this on the conveyor belt, OK? I'll pay for it. OK. Well, that's nice. Good morning, Janet. Good morning.
00:17:41
Speaker
You have a good sleep, Janet? I didn't have a good sleep, Frank! I fucking didn't!
00:17:50
Speaker
Whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. What's going on, Janet? I am so sorry, Michael. Did you have another argument in your... Yes, yes. Yesterday, you and I got into a very, very hot conversation about how appropriate it is to wear white to a wedding. And I just... You were against me. You were against me.
00:18:20
Speaker
Okay, so in your dream, we were arguing about white on labor day. Well, specifically white to a wedding because I wanted to wear white to my sister's wedding, not to steal focus, not to pull focus or anything, nothing like that, but just, you know, in camaraderie sort of, and you, you...
00:18:41
Speaker
Oh my God. You sided against me. Well, first off, Janet, you're my roommate. I would never do anything to betray your trust. And second of all, please wear white to a wedding. If I ever get married, God willing, I would love for you to also wear white. We could be marriage roomies.
00:19:02
Speaker
Okay, so I appreciate what you just said, but I only heard part of it because I was actually engaging in another argument with you in my head while you were talking. What did I say? What did my dream self say? Say it. We're roommates. You can trust me. It was really awful. Basically, you said I was never going to be invited to your wedding because you think I'm such a horrible person for potentially wearing white to my sister's wedding.
00:19:29
Speaker
Oh my God, I would never say anything like that. You are a wonderful human being. There's a reason why we have a one bedroom in Studio City, because I love and admire- Oh, I'm a cunt? Whoa, whoa, what?
00:20:05
Speaker
Dad, dad, dad, you should ask. You should you should make her new mom. She went Popeye. That's like a big deal. Like that's so cool. She went Popeye on the road. I don't know, son. This heart isn't ready to let another person in.
00:20:24
Speaker
Yeah, but you all you do is make grilled cheese sandwiches after your after your shift being a hard boiled cop on the streets. Like we need some she went Popeye. Don't you want to go Popeye or you can even go Brutus on her. Don't you want that?
00:20:40
Speaker
I've only gone Brutus for one woman and I promised myself I would never make myself that vulnerable again. It's when a man loves a woman, sometimes
00:20:56
Speaker
He will act like a cartoon character. I know, you keep saying that, but you know what? Look, I'm just a 10 year old who's never experienced love and you've been in one relationship her whole life, but I'm just telling you, it's not every day that you get to go Brutus on someone and you should definitely afford yourself that opportunity. You think, you think this cop deserves love? You're a good dad, dad.
00:21:25
Speaker
You mean that? You mean that? Go to her, Dad. Ask her to go full Brutus. You got it. You got it.
Workplace Tales: Humor and Honesty
00:22:00
Speaker
I've been working at the Santa Monica Bike Center and I do tours there and whatnot. But I also just to help out when they're short staffed, I go in and work. And when I went in there last weekend, I showed up and there was like a probably like an 18, 19 year old kid in the back corner just like watching his phone on YouTube with headphones in. And I was like, oh, who's this? And they're like, oh, he's the owner's son.
00:22:28
Speaker
And I was like, oh, my God, like, OK. And for about two hours, the guy just sat in the back watching like YouTube videos on his phone. And I thought, well, that's just nepotism. It's not just in Hollywood. It's also at the bike center. So then the guy goes for lunch, takes a lunch break. And immediately I've been waiting the whole time to be like, what's going on? And it turns out he's not even the kids like the
00:22:57
Speaker
the related to anybody that owns the place. He's just a lazy employee.
00:23:03
Speaker
and like wasn't doing anything. So it was, do you guys know Cyclivia where all the bikes are on the streets? So they were expecting it to be super busy that day. So they brought in extra staff. That's why they brought me in. It turns out everybody got there at like nine in the morning and they rented all the bikes out. So there wasn't that much to do, but I don't know. I've never, have you guys ever, well first, it's not actually,
00:23:31
Speaker
the kid of the owner of the company, but I've worked with kids of owners of the company. So when somebody said that, I was like, Oh, I just make sense. Have you ever had anybody that you were working with that just was like a dead body in the back?
00:23:46
Speaker
So, oh gosh, this is, she wasn't, so there was a woman I worked with a long time ago, I worked at CBS television studio, and there was a woman who worked there. I don't know if I can legally talk about this, but I'm going to.
00:24:04
Speaker
Those are the best stories, by the way. She was apparently there at the television studio when a person broke in with a gun, like when they used to have news there like a long time ago. Nothing happened to her, but she was like the first person that they came in contact with.
00:24:23
Speaker
And because they were afraid of suing, that she would sue at some point, she basically got, it was like rumored that she got to work there forever and not do anything. So it was always like this, like, oh, well, she, you know, was held up at gunpoint, so she deserves to like,
00:24:44
Speaker
Which isn't nepotism, but it's its own kind of like, oh yeah. Trauma nepotism. Trauma nepotism. It's earned nepotism. Earned nepotism. I've been on the other side of that and I- You're holding the gun. Yes, yes, yes. And I fucked up the spot. No, no, no. The offered the offered something. So a lifetime ago, I worked as a butcher and
00:25:09
Speaker
It was a new facility that we were working in and they use like steel diamond plated steps, which is not necessarily a good idea with like wet surfaces. So like the second day there, I totally slip and I pick it and like I cut like right below my lip open. It was like a two or three inch gash and I had to go and get it stitched up and all this different stuff.
00:25:34
Speaker
I was out for a few days. And then as soon as I get back, they call me into the office and I'm like, ah, man, I'm gonna get fired. I need this job. Like I'm just, I'm running through all these doomsday scenarios when they're,
00:25:48
Speaker
And they're running through this and they're like, um, so, uh, yeah. So like, if you sign this, uh, you know, you'll, you'll, you'll say, you know, that you, there's no problem. You're not going to sue us. And, uh, I'm talking to a lawyer, you'll, you'll be fine. And, uh, you know, as a thank you for this, uh, we'll give you $10,000 and I go,
00:26:16
Speaker
I swear, this is a moment I could take, I wish I could take back in my life. I go, $10,000? I thought you were gonna fire me. They go, oh, you weren't going to sue? And the guy looks at the lawyer and the lawyer, rip. Oh, in front of me. And they're like, okay, well, have a good day, Mr. Spence. Thank you for being a part of the company. We'll get you the hours you like. I was like,
00:26:44
Speaker
I just saw like $10,000 just float away. Hey Mike, could you come into my office? Yeah, Mike, just sit down, Mike. Sit down.
00:27:10
Speaker
You're not in trouble. Okay, cool. How's your face? Is your face okay? It's still a little numb. I can't feel it. That's what happens when you face plant into the meat grinder. Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah, you look horrific. I mean, I don't mean to, I don't wanna sugarcoat it. Your face is, I mean, you weren't a looker before, Mike, but now,
00:27:36
Speaker
Not good, not good. It is a spade, a face cut and meat grinders, a face cut and meat grinding, you know? No, you're taking this great, you're great. And that's why we love you, that's why we love you. Wait, you love me? Oh, yeah, we've always loved you, Mike. You're someone we really trust with the family secrets, if you know what I mean.
00:28:01
Speaker
I don't know what you mean. My face is numb. Well, yeah, and ugly. So you're numb and ugly. It's a hard knock life, I guess, for you, Mike. And that's why this is going to be a little bit tougher. So we were looking at some security footage of your work habits.
00:28:20
Speaker
Oh, you have cameras here? Yeah. We've got lots of cameras, Mike. In the bathroom? In the bathroom, in the toilet, in the green room, in the water cooler, and at your desk specifically.
00:28:40
Speaker
We also have... I appreciate that we have a meat grinder next to my desk. Well, you never know when you're gonna want fresh ground chuck, Mike, so... That's why I love working here. Yeah, well, we pride ourselves on our lunch meats. Why am I here? Well, we've been looking at a security fee. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's in the security fee, boss? Well, surprisingly, absolutely nothing.
00:29:08
Speaker
We have footage of you pretty much on multiple weeks. And we started tracking you on March 12th of this past year. That's a good day. That's a good day. It was a sunny, breezy day and your face was fine at that day.
00:29:26
Speaker
And then, hold on, I got it right here. Let me pull it up for you. This is, and I'll go fast because you don't really move at all. Just a little fast forward here. And this is the 13th, 14th, 15th. You see, A, you never leave the desk, which honestly under circumstances would be amazing. But you're not doing any, you're welcome. But you're not doing any work. Oh.
00:29:49
Speaker
Now, they're doing absolutely no work here. Question. What do we do here? Well, we provide services to anyone in need in the community, such as orphans or single parents or first responders. We provide counseling. We provide financial assistance.
00:30:11
Speaker
Stan, I've been watching over the cameras and this, you're losing it. You're losing track, Stan. Let me come in. Tag me in. Tag me in, Stan. Come on, tag me in. You're tagged in. You're tagged in. Let's get right to it. Look, we need you to wear this Deadpool mask because your face is disgusting. A, B.
00:30:29
Speaker
We do a lot of stuff around here, and at the very least, you got to look busy because if supervisors come through and you're sitting like a mannequin, that makes Stan and I look bad. We're supposed to be mannequins. Don't make us look bad. Don't make us look bad. Put this mask on. Put this mask on. This is like an inception boss meme. This is deep.
00:30:54
Speaker
Well, I don't know. Should we show him the camera room? We should show him the camera room. Come in here. Check it out. Come in here. Put this mask on first. It hurts. My meat face, it stings when I slide over. Yeah, but your face stings every time I look at it and like you're one person, but everybody else has to see that? Jesus. It stings my soul, Mike. It stings my soul. Oh, and look, it looks so good. You look like a regular old temple.
00:31:22
Speaker
Yeah. All right. Here's the camera. Look at all these cameras. It's like that movie Sliver. Does anyone remember Sliver? Never saw it. Obscure reference. I've always thought of it like the Truman Show. OK. OK. I get that reference.
00:31:53
Speaker
Hey, big daddy.
Awkward and Humorous Situations
00:31:55
Speaker
Listen, I know you are paying a lot of money for this, but I should just let you know that the head whore here is sort of my mom. So I don't know what you're expecting, but just...
00:32:17
Speaker
Cool it, you know. OK. All right. So your mom's the she's the head head whore.
00:32:31
Speaker
I'm sorry, head lady of, you know, I don't really even know the family's business that much. I just let me in. Let me just be super honest. I was really just expecting a massage. Like I wasn't looking for I didn't realize like this is just a massage. I was given this gift card at a white elephant and I wanted to get in before it expired. Sure, buddy. Sure. No, for real. I didn't know there was anything else going on here. I was just
00:33:01
Speaker
Sure, sure. Well, I love how then I guess nothing has to happen because I don't work and you don't actually want a script. So it's perfect. I would like a massage. Well, yeah, I also don't do that. I mean, go to a massage parlor. Dad, dad. Hold on. I'm negotiating a deal. That's going to go full Popeye.
00:33:24
Speaker
That would be almost, okay, okay. Listen, I had no idea that this had any sexual connotation to it when I brought my son in. We were both gonna get massages for the record. That's just even more proof that I'm just here for a massage. I'm 10.
00:33:41
Speaker
Wow, you look like a really bad dad right now. I know I do. I thought that my mom was bad, but Jesus. I mean, your mom probably is bad, honestly. Your mom is probably bad. I just came into a place that says massages. But my son would like to see if you'd go Popeye.
00:34:00
Speaker
Oh, okay. Well, look at, let me look at the menu here. I didn't memorize the menu. My mom wanted me to, she said, so you got to try, you got to at least try to do stuff here. You got to act like you care, act like you care. You know what part of acting like you care is? What? Care. That's how I do my job. Do you think I want to be a paper salesman? Yeah.
00:34:23
Speaker
So the first step, you fake it till you make it. You actually got to sometimes just actually. Okay. So let's do comparison. So like, um, I am supposed to give a hand job. Let's say we're going to leave. We're leaving. My dad will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. If that means anything.
00:34:44
Speaker
It means a lot. It means like, you know what, son, we're actually going to leave. This is inappropriate. This was totally putting hands in the air. Everyone hands in the air. Oh, my God. Officer miss.
00:34:57
Speaker
Officer Bradley, do you remember me at all? Yeah, I mean, you were- I never thought I would see you. You never showed up to court. You just paid the ticket. Yeah, I just paid it and kind of like, technically my mom paid it actually because that's what I do. I just have my parents do things for me. But yeah, I was hoping you would
00:35:24
Speaker
Stop in or find me or... Can my son and I go? Can my son and I go? I just... No. You paid for the hour, so... It was a gift card. And I have to act like I care. Like you said, I have to act like I care. So you are going to stay here. Man, I have to hear the spinach down. Put the spinach down.
00:35:48
Speaker
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No! I'm doing the swinging. Oh, I'm swinging my ass.
00:36:09
Speaker
So it's that kind of podcast. Oh, you know what? I'm just happy that we've stopped the bestiality. There was like at least a three or four month run where every episode had something to do with with animals and it was tasteful though. It was tasteful and it was nuanced.
00:36:25
Speaker
It was very, yeah, it was great. But I'm trying to think of- I'm just letting you know I'm still okay and I'm having a good time. Thank you. Thank God. Thank God. For going back to the suggestion for politeness. Yes. I definitely have like a hundred percent. People will be very mean to me and I will just be very nice back. And I don't know if it's just,
00:36:54
Speaker
like acting in LA and facing so much rejection. Or it was like, I worked in a call center for a really long time and people were just really mean. And it was just one of those things where it kind of just washes over you. And even like in customer service, where yeah, you're dealing with people who are really upset and angry. And I, for some reason,
00:37:21
Speaker
Well, I'll like I imagine like being in their shoes and I think like, oh, they might be having a really hard day or like I I make up like a story in my head of like when I'm driving and someone cuts me off, I like my imagination starts going like, oh, they're probably pregnant and they're rushing to the hospital.
00:37:42
Speaker
or like, oh, I bet they really need to go to the bathroom. And that's why they're speeding really fast and almost ran into that other person. And like, on the road, I'm extremely polite. Like, I'll like lightly tap my horn. If I see an accident about to happen, I'll tap my horn. And someone who was driving with me was like, oh my gosh,
00:38:07
Speaker
I've never seen anyone honk their horn as like a sign of like warning of like a sign of like trying to be nice. So I definitely am take on like the politeness to 100% 100% with that.
00:38:26
Speaker
And also I don't know about you, but like sometimes we'll get haunted by the idea of like, I'll be mean to someone or like I'll be rude to someone without even knowing. And that will stay with me forever. Like, oh my gosh, I didn't tell that person a great job on making my drink. Or like, did I tip enough? Like I get haunted by those things.
00:38:54
Speaker
I'm in the same, I'm more worried about accidentally insulting someone than like, if I mean to insult you, that's fine. Like accidentally insulting someone, being misunderstood is like such a hard, yeah, I think to just sit and think about it for days.
00:39:14
Speaker
So my mom, she's very religious. And I would sometimes would talk to her about this one. I used to be a parts delivery driver. Is that like part of the butcher job? No, this was a different job. This is where you're bringing parts to the breeze. All sides of cows to places.
00:39:34
Speaker
No, and sometimes like the customers, they're just very surly or agitated because whatever's going on in their life and they would be just extremely mean and part of me wanted me to like lose my shit. And my mom, God bless her, she's the same. She would always be like, well,
00:39:51
Speaker
Jesus, you know, turn the other cheek. Maybe there's something to that. Try to keep that with you when you're getting upset. So I did at one point to where I was like, okay, if somebody's really getting me mad, like I feel, I feel the anger coming on. Like I would just, I'd be very, very extra polite.
00:40:10
Speaker
extra nice, extra professional. And what I had noticed is when that would happen, it would get like the other person more upset because they want to fight instead of like- They want to see you react. I'm just, no sir, sorry, sir. Thank you, sir. Just like on top, on top, just an extra dollop of politeness. And it would get them mad. And then at a certain point you would see them
00:40:36
Speaker
break and break to the point where like, oh, this is a nice guy. I've been an asshole. And I was thinking about how I broke this one guy who's now a sweetheart to me. And I was like, Jesus, was it nice? He was manipulative. Pick up all the people you saw and then turn the cheek.
00:41:06
Speaker
Welcome to Fight Club, the third rule
Politeness in Unlikely Places
00:41:10
Speaker
of Fight Club. If you're here, you're going to fight. So to the right, we have Bluto. This guy is mean. He is tough. He is ready to fight. And then to the other side, we have Wallace in customer service.
00:41:28
Speaker
Has stellar reviews. People love this guy. We got a real brawler. Anything you want to say, Bluto, before you get in the ring? Well, I just want to say that I've been I've been holding all my kindness. I've been letting it all out during the week. So I got no kindness left today and now. Yeah, you got it.
00:41:54
Speaker
While he came to the right place, he came to Fight Club. All right, Wallace.
00:41:59
Speaker
How are you doing? I'm doing great. I just want to be here. I want to help everyone kind of become the greatest fighter they could be today. So, Bluto, I'm looking forward for you pummeling on my face. Oh yeah, I can't wait. I want to make your eyes do that thing where it's like a pow pow, you know what I mean? Well, I can't wait to be receiving of that. That'll make me feel good in my heart. I want to see you shine today, Bluto.
00:42:27
Speaker
I want to see you tremble with fear as I loom over you and my shadow blocks out the sun. Okay. Okay. Yeah. As long as, as long as that makes you feel great. Hey, Wallace, Wallace, it's me, your trainer here. Yes. Remember, remember that anytime you feel fear, let's remember that song that we sing in the face of fear together and in your opponent's face. It's
00:42:56
Speaker
Your fists may break my face, but they cannot debase me. Bluto, Bluto, you're going into shop. Bluto, Bluto. Bluto's face is getting redder. Make him take that cardigan off. Make him take that cardigan off. This cardigan, feel free to take it off me, Bluto.
00:43:36
Speaker
So we're gonna be working on your anger issues in therapy today. I want you to start using this doll as a stress release. Okay, sorry. Don't know. No, a stress relief. You know how there's those squeezy toys where it's like gel inside? After you pop their head off, yes, they're very fun. Oh.
00:44:00
Speaker
No, no, no, no. Well, hopefully you don't pop their head off. So I just want you to have this little doll and subtly, if you get into an argument, I just want you to punch the doll. And then instead of getting angry in a conversation with somebody, just subtly, maybe behind your back, just punch this doll. Here you go. Okay.
00:44:22
Speaker
Okay. These are the kinds of tools that you're going to be getting in our sessions. I'm sorry, Dr. Hand. I know we're using this as a safe gate, but the conversation I'm having with this doll in the side of my head, I think he's instigating a fight. The doll?
00:44:47
Speaker
I mean, this is where it usually starts. I hear it and then it goes from there. Okay, well, that's not conventional. Maybe we should open up this book again, symptoms. You can't wear white to a wedding. You shut your mouth, Janice. I will wear white when I want to. Keep going, yes, the black, huh? The book, I just don't have anything about voices. It's me, the doll.
00:45:18
Speaker
Yeah, I, I'm trying, I'm trying to get, I'm trying, I'm trying to get better Dolly. All right.
00:45:24
Speaker
Come on, I... Even if it's worth it, you can't wear it. That's a doll's motto. That's a doll's life. Deal with it. I hate to be that therapist, but I have another... You stop interrupting. I'm having a thing with this doll here who tells me I can't... Just one second doll. Yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm paying for the hour. It's the whole hour. I get it. It's your job to be here and pretend you care. Your time's up. What? No, we were just getting somewhere.
00:45:59
Speaker
We cut to Rhode Island, and if there's one thing about Rhode Island, it's for lovers. And waiting on a Rhode Island pier is a woman with groceries waiting with her daughter, who you could barely see because her skin is translucent. Will you show up, mother?
00:46:25
Speaker
Will he show up? I sure hope so. I sure hope so. Where did he go? I can't see you. Oh, there you are. There he is and he brought his dog. He does love you.
00:46:46
Speaker
Is that you? Hello. It's great to meet you in person. Oh, he's acting crazy. We panned across and we see two lovers riding bikes and one of them is wearing a Deadpool mask and one of them is the grocery store clerk, the older lady. This is really fun.
00:47:16
Speaker
I don't think I've ever met anyone as ugly as you who's captured my heart. That means a lot. I capture your heart. I can't grab your heart. It's inside your chest. This is a factual statement you've made, but I'm so glad that I got your number and I called you up.
00:47:40
Speaker
We pan up and there's two people hang gliding. Believe it or not, it's Officer Bradley and the whore who goes Popeye. I've never thought that I would hang glide with a woman ever again. I never thought that I would do anything that required effort. Because it always had just come easy to me.
00:48:06
Speaker
And I hope you don't mind that my son is hang gliding a couple feet behind. Just behind us? Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Gospel Brutus Dash. I just hope my spinach cans don't hit him. I can't believe we're married. And we pan out from that to one TV, to three TVs, to five TVs, to 25 TVs, to 125 TVs.
00:48:33
Speaker
Stan, I really think that this is the perfect work relationship. Yeah, Bill, I'm really glad that you brought me in. I needed a job and you found me one where I could do mostly nothing. Well, we've got to watch our other employees. We've got to. And there's mistletoe right above their heads.
00:49:04
Speaker
Mmm
00:49:17
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post audio engineer and sound designer, Toyful Kaleel, and our incredible Patreon members who helped me fund this creative journey. If you'd like to see us live in Denver at the Chaos Bloom Theater on Saturday, June 15th at 8pm, get your tickets,
00:49:43
Speaker
Go to chaosbloom.com and I'm sure you can figure it out from there. If you'd like 24 hours a day, seven days a week content, go to twitch.tv slash original understudies. If you happen to be an Amazon Prime member, it would cost you zero dollars to subscribe. And that would net me like two bucks a month. Now I know that's not a lot, but it certainly adds up.
00:50:09
Speaker
And it's fun to watch. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Quit your job. Leave your family. Just get yourself a nice cell phone so that you can just tune out and drop in or whatever Ken Tisa used to say. Ah, it's original understandings.