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Original Understudies - EP99 - Summer Vacation
123 Plays9 months ago
It is the Penultimate episode of what we are calling Season 1 of Original Understudies. We are using the topic of Summer Vacation as this was the final recording before heading to Denver for the 100th Episode
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Jack Zullo - JackZullo.com
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Jacki - @TackySchwarz
Aaron Fitzpatrick - Rosé Musical Improv
Sean Will - @IAmSeanWill
Jordan Bull
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Original Understudies' Podcast
00:00:09
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of original understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions.
Summer Vacation Theme and Upcoming Live Show
00:00:22
Speaker
Today we're going to use the the suggestion topic of summer vacation because this is going to be the last recording before we come back in August. There's going to be one more recording that the listeners will hear afterwards because it's the live show recorded at the Chaos Bloom Theater, which will mark episode 100. But other than that, I'm taking a summer vacay, guys.
Improviser Introductions and Social Media
00:00:47
Speaker
Summer vacay. So let's welcome the improvisers starting with Jackie Schwartz. Welcome back, Jackie. Where would you like people to find you online?
00:00:55
Speaker
Um, you know, you can just find me at tacky shores on Instagram for right now. You know, I'm doing so many things, but I have nothing to show for it here. So the story of my life. Well, I guess I do have this. But yes, I know what you mean. I've got a lot of stuff on the back burner and it's starting to get crusty. There's a bunch of stuff brewing, but like, you know, I'm sure by the time this podcasts out, that would be the best time to plug it. And I'll tell you what, the sketches that you and I shot Jackie, those will be out before August. Great. Those will be out. I don't know where people find it though. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. There's things going on. They're not ready to plug yet.
00:01:38
Speaker
And welcome back, Jack Zulow.
Performances and Summer Plans
00:01:41
Speaker
Jack, how are you? And where would you like people to find you online? I'm doing well, thanks for asking. Also, thanks for the invite to Denver. Sorry I can't make chaos bloom. And you can find me at jackzulow.com for all your Jack Zulow needs. Great. And I'm sorry that I should have invited people to. It's hard for me to think of everybody flying into a separate location. um But would you have shown up if I gave you enough time, Jack? i Yeah, probably. Easy for you to say that now. Should we get like a carpool going? What are we doing? Let's do it. Well, I mean, there's technically a cast and we'd probably be assholes if we showed up rolling in and and we're just like, we're taking over now. Welcome back, Sean Will. Thanks for joining us. do and where would you like
00:02:30
Speaker
Thank you, thank you, thank you for thanking me. Thank you, thank you. Where would you like people to find you online? Oh yeah, so I switched of all my social profiles to the detriment of my agents. So I am actually using my last my last name, my government name, Williams. So you can now find me at I'm Sean Williams. Oh. All that stuff, but still under union purposes. I'm still Sean Will, so there you go. And I'm sorry, Jack, I will be in Denver. I have to plug this real quick because ah for the Rise ah Comedy Festival, I'm so looking forward to that, like this summer. What is that? I think it's ah the weekend, ah the first weekend in August, I believe. And so yeah, I can't wait to go perform and hang out with all my Denver friends. And apparently a lot of people from Denver like really love this show. So I can't wait to hang out with you all. I want to drink with you guys and hopefully have somewhere to stay.
00:03:23
Speaker
Awesome. ah And welcome back, Jordan. Jordan, last thanks for being here. Thank you. Thank you. Hi. Where would you like people to find you online? You can't fucking find me. I dare you to try. I'm off the grid, baby. You've got a new place in Rochester, right? Yeah, beautiful upstate New York. It's summertime. Baby, I won't be digitally found anywhere. You're at a home without us. You're pinpointing your location right now. It's a new CrossFit Village kid. Good luck. And as is tradition, we've saved our new understudy to introduce last, Aaron Fitzpatrick, aka Fitsy. Welcome on the show, Fitsy. Where would you like people to find you online? Well, you can find me at a... And go ahead and lean back. I've never seen a microphone do that. But when you get closer, it sounds worse. I just want to be so close to the microphone. So I want everyone to hear me better. But it is exactly the opposite. They can find me at Rosé Improv. That's my musical improv team. So Rosé Improv on Instagram, on my Facebook. ah ah Air Force Fun is a long form team. So if they're ever and if you're ever in Los Angeles, look up those teams. See if we're performing. We perform all over.
00:04:44
Speaker
the great city of the Los Angeles. Great. So summer vacation. Does anybody have any big plans? I guess it sounds like Sean at the very least is gonna be in and Denver, Colorado, going to the Rice Theater. Is that your big summer vacation plan? ah Yeah, that, it oh, we had our anniversary. um So that should take precedent. But yeah, especially ah the Rice Comedy Festival. That's the big one. has wo sha we sorry your anniversary are in ah My wife and I is anniversary August 26, so we will be going to Madonna Inn actually. So that's always fun. What's the Madonna Inn?
00:05:31
Speaker
Yeah, I've never heard of this. What is that? this it's ah This awesome place. Anybody that's ever been, it's like, it's not a haunted mansion, but it has so much character. It's all the way out in um Napa Valley, like ah ah Paso Robles. Gorgeous spot. Everything is like right there. You drink so much wine and then they have like a nice little piano bar in there. There's so much character. It looks like Tim Burton. But like with the mix of John Waters, there's so much character at that place and there's so much history. ah we We try to go there every year, like and we try to. So that's like a summer, a big summer, um I guess, what do you want to say, summer tradition? So yeah.
00:06:10
Speaker
But it's not haunted. It looks like... St. Louis Obispo. St. Louis Obispo, yes. Oh yeah, that looks rad. I'm Is that like how Martha's Vineyard is not owned by Martha Stewart, but I assumed it was until like a year ago. and notvi It
Martha's Vineyard and Cape Cod Humor
00:06:35
Speaker
is nice. You buried the lead like Martha Stewart. was why Martha Stewart owned Martha's Vineyard. I was like, sick, good for her. That's great.
00:06:44
Speaker
I read the article that Martha's Vineyard is getting sued because they ran out of marijuana. Did anybody hear of this story? do know the store loves or wish I think, jack Jack, you heard about this, right? I did. I did. I was in Martha's Vineyard last week and I just went down in a blaze of glory and now they are they are out of marijuana. Wait, you really were in Martha's Vineyard last week, right? Because you said you were on vacation. I was in i was in Cape Cod last week. I was not on mar Martha's Vineyard. I was on Cape Cod. is now I don't even know where Martha's Vineyard is. I don't know anything about it. Is is Martha's Vineyard in Cape Cod? It is not an island. Thank you, Jackie Shores. You're welcome. I wanted to chime in a little bit.
00:07:35
Speaker
it's it's a little It's a little island full of rich people. It is where rich people go to get away from the squalor of Cape Cod. If you're hunting rich people, they can't get off of that thing. They're sequestered. It's just a small Massachusetts island full of mansions. Remember they made that movie of it with Robert De Niro and Nick Nolte? What? Yeah. Remember he was a stalker. It was, it was Cape Cod. What are you talking about? Is that Cape Fear? I was thinking Cape Fear too. Is it Cape Fear? Are you really just thinking Cape Cod for Cape Fear? Hold on. Are you conflating two different movies? Cause I think, I think that, uh, where does Cape Fear get on? We recently did the same thing. You can't, the room is locked, sir. Oh, it is locked in, I know.
Comedic Skits and Scenes
00:08:25
Speaker
I am so sorry, no, I swear to God, just like you talked about, ah oh my God, like the trap people and and the mansion and, great oh my God, I'm so sorry. No, no, no, show so some Kate Spears in North Carolina.
00:08:50
Speaker
hotel it's been here since the very late 1800s which gives it a lot of character and this is your room oh I'm sorry I booked a ghost room That's ridiculous. The ghost room. Yeah, the ghost room. I booked the room with the ghosts in it. I'm going to leave a really bad review if there's not a couple ghosts at least. Well, for the record, all of those ghost stories are on the Internet. We can't stand behind those things here. Well, I'm on the Internet too. I'm an influencer, you see. and I've got a lot of followers and they wanna see ghosts. And if they don't see some ghosts. Honey, honey, excuse excuse me, sir. If I can have a moment with my wife, honey, honey, you're you're doing it again.
00:09:38
Speaker
doing what? I'm just trying to get us the ghost room that we wanted. Okay. one You wanted ghost room, but you're you're throwing your your influencer label around at this poor schlub. Sorry, sir. Just ah an observation. I am within earshot, sir. Not a judgment. Not a judgment. Just just ah an observation. See, we said, we said, if I was ever an influencer and I had a lot of influence, I would throw it around. I'd start throwing, I'd just start hawking that at everybody we met. And I'd try and get us a good deal, all right? I'd try to get us, you know, free food. I'd try to get us free rides. Maybe a ghost room. Okay, okay, I've heard enough. I've heard enough. Follow me. I'll take you to room 13 on the 13th floor. I mean, that sounds kinda on the nose for a ghost room. Well, most people don't want to be on the 13th floor. You're gonna be all by yourself. And the 13th room is the one most complaints come from. Okay, okay. Just, I hate to interject. Are we gonna have to carry our bags there again?
00:10:43
Speaker
I mean, i I guess I could, it's just a lot of, i yes, no, I will bring them for you. It just seems like you've got the hat, and you've got the jacket, shouldn't you be carrying them? You've got the jacket, I'll carry them. Could you, I just set up this GoPro. Would you mind if I just, see let me just strap it right here, just right here. On my face? yes Yeah, just so my followers, I'm live streaming. I want them to see what I see. I also want them to see me. So you're perfect. You're a perfect human trackpad. The elevator does not stop on the 13th floor, so we're going to have to take the stairs. yeah so sure but well I'm the one carrying the bag, so no more guff from you, sir. I feel like my followers would probably like if maybe I jumped on your back.
00:11:29
Speaker
So I'm just going to climb. Oh, nice perfect. honey swing flip Swing around, swing around and hang off his front. So your GoPro can. Your crush is in my face. that You wish. ah
00:11:51
Speaker
Hey, yo, hey, yo, inmates. Welcome to Rikers Island, y'all. Whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm so glad to be here. Oh, man. Look, all right. All of us have gotten here for multiple reasons. All right. I know I heard you was money laundering, Rico, and ah and Bagley. I heard that you stabbed three people with two knives and said one thing to them. Stop. That's cold-blooded, bro. Hey, but I just got to ask y'all something. when does captain When does the captain come out? Because I know he owns this place, right? Captain Raka? Doesn't he? Wait, do you think that Riker's Island is named after a guy who lives here?
00:12:39
Speaker
Yeah, I'd be thinking like the warden or something. Oh, no, no, he's the captain. Captain Riker, you know, the lieutenant. That's why I get up all those people in that Star Trek convention. And I got a lifetime here because I want to meet the captain. Where is he? Yo, is it? Wait, sorry. is it That's why you're here. I think he's talking about the first return of the next generation. ah You mean Commander Riker? You mean Commander William Riker? Yeah. Oh, Commander Riker. Yeah, I love him. He he got with the empath. He was always swooning. The ladies i always wanted me. Why are y'all looking at me so funny?
00:13:14
Speaker
It's just something really stupid, I guess. It's yeah i just he doesn't own this place. Yeah, I hunted down a man who did a hit and run on my little cousin. That's why I'm here. You're here because you you wanted to meet some fucking nerd. No, he's not a fucking nerd. He's the commander of the USS Enterprise and he says under the cap card. What is wrong with you? yeah You got yourself into the hardest prison in America, so that you can meet a fictional captain from from a sci-fi series. Yeah, I suppose what's wrong with me is I got a tight grip on reality. Fictional? Hold on. No, no, he's not. I saw him. I saw him every Saturday night at 7 p.m. and he went on wondrous adventures. And you guys can't tell me that he's not real. He's got me in his stomach. I took two shanks to the stomach.
00:14:07
Speaker
Damn it. So what? No, you're telling me there's no door.
00:14:19
Speaker
So, we're all out of marijuana, but we've got a ah huge selection of natural highs that you can get just as much fun from, okay? So, if you just think of- So, you got pay peyote? ah No, we have we a lot of natural legal highs. Well, what's the fun in that? you hold a Hold on, is that like mescaline? No, no, it's it's exercise is one of the big. So these are jump ropes. We're just out of weed right now. So like, I know you're going to have to probably come back. I want at least some. No, what I'm saying is we got we got a huge there was a huge party this weekend because of spring break. They bought all our shit. Oh, so not a big deal as long as you got some MDMA back there or something, whatever. Yeah, you're going to have to go for something a little less toxic or intoxicating.
00:15:19
Speaker
daniel you Daniel, I found this in your book bag. I found this in your book bag, too, little rose. What's, what are in here? It smells, it smells like oregano. Yeah, I'm a spice kid, okay? I admit it, Mom, I'm a spice kid. You only, you don't even give salt or pepper. I need something to spice up my life. did I didn't think that my, my boy was gonna get into, You eat spices and herbs? That's why I raised you on the island! Better than that! Now you gotta put something in the mashed potatoes. You gotta put something in the mashed potatoes. I need butter. I need salt. I need pepper, mom. I need something to make these better. Bang, bang, bang, bang! Knock on the door. Answer this. You hear me in there, Daniel? Answer the fucking door.
00:16:13
Speaker
I hear your momma sobbing. Hey, boy, where's my paisley? I got this paisley for you. where's Where's the money? Give me the money now. for our reggie I'm sorry. Do you mean parsley? Yeah, I have the parsley. Do you mean? Are you going to correct me? Oh, no. Don't hit my mother with flowers. Don't you hit my mother with flowers.
00:16:51
Speaker
What do you mean, Chipotle? Do you mean Chipotle? Yeah, that's so that's where they serve the burritos. The burritos. That's what I like. I like Chipotle. Are you making fun of me?
00:17:09
Speaker
All right, so cheese and... Did you just say jalapenos on your sub? Yeah, I want some jalapenos. Jalapenos? Yeah, jalapenos. You want some jalapenos? Do jalapenos? No, no, no. These are jalapenos. They're much hotter. than regular peppers. Look, man, are you trying to tell me how to do my job at Subway? Listen, I know you're an artist. I know you're an artist, but I like a very specific way with my jalapenos, okay? I want one per bite, not two, not three, not four. These jalapenos are very important to me. All right, but it's gonna cost extra if I do it that way. Money's the object when it comes to Subway subs.
00:18:03
Speaker
So we're going to be having a vote off the island from our bachelorette. Now, before we get anybody kicked off the island, I want to make sure everybody gets a chance to sum up why you think you should be picked as the bachelorettes meant to be Prince. ah Sure. Contestant number, oh, thank you. Contestant number one. Yeah, i'm I'm assertive. I just like to step in and sometimes take charge and just know that every queen needs a but strong king and hopefully I can do that for you.
00:18:38
Speaker
Absolutely. I'm sure it's resonating with her now. I can see just by the the the shine in her eyes, sirs. I don't know if that's glazed. And contestant number two, one last plea before getting kicked off of the island. I just got one word, which is my unofficial middle name. Girth, that's girth with an eye. That is legally your middle name, but when you were given that name, I'm sure it didn't mean a lot because you were a baby, right? I'm winking a lot right now just to say girth. Okay, well, her eyes are still shining, but it could be shining from the first contestant. They're shining room from the thought of girth.
00:19:23
Speaker
Okay. Okay. We get it. we can turn And our third and what I believe is the most charming of all the bachelors. ah whoa whoa What was your last plea to stay on the island? yeah Thanks. I really appreciate it. I just want to apologize um because I think that on our final date, I think I did eat too much shrimp. um And, ah you know, I don't think I was being as generous with the shrimp as I could have been. And it did lead to a lot of stomach problems, but, um you know, I just want to just reach out and say, you know, I'll eat less shrimp in the future. So you've used your line as an apology. Okay. yeah So I love our bachelorette to keep in mind that you're going to be getting rid of one of these bachelors.
00:20:12
Speaker
Which one would you like to get off the island? Bachelor number one, who's assertive. Bachelor number two, who says that his middle name being Girth means more than just a name and the one who promises not to eat too much trip anymore. And less cocktail sauce. I just want to throw that in there. We get it. We get it. We get it. It's been nasty for all the whole crew here, okay? Wow, this is going to be a really tough decision. I'm thinking about all the bachelors and what they just said. I love it when a guy is like really knows what he wants. Like bachelor number one. I like a guy with a really wide penis. That's why I like bachelor number two. And I like this guy.
00:20:54
Speaker
who also has, you know, IBS like myself. It's something we can relate to. That's why I like bachelor number three. Wow, this one's a tough one. I guess I have to go with bachelor number two because of the wide penis. You're gonna, for the record, you're going to have bachelor number two with his wide ass penis swim off the island.
00:21:27
Speaker
I've picked so many grapes. I've picked so many grapes. Yes. Gosh, I get so close to those grapes so many times. They're so good. But I've picked so many grapes. Martha, can I please go? Can I please leave the island now?
Ghostly Encounters and Haunted Houses
00:21:42
Speaker
No. Martha, can I please leave? I've picked so many grapes. No. No, you have to stay. You have to stay more. But what? but what I'm so tired, Martha. I'm so tired. Oh, now you're tired? You weren't tired two nights ago when we was out frolicking in the fields and you was picking grapes. You wasn't tired three days ago when I gave you $300,000 to go spend at Target. You wasn't tired there, but now you're tired and you want to leave mine?
00:22:15
Speaker
Huh, baby? You cut to the bone, Mother Stewart. You cut to the bone. That's right. I cut to the bone. I'm head, bitch. Now, you're going to stay here. You're going to rub my elbows. And you're going to get these grapes. Because I'm Mother Stewart, motherfucker. Prisons change, too. But I think it's for the better. you Maybe. you do You think it's for the better? You don't think I was like this before I went to prison? That I wasn't hardcore? Baby, I was on death row before shouldn't I even took over? What you talking about? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Here. Oh, now you're sorry? Now you're sorry? I'm sorry. Feed me a grape with a grape in my mouth. Okay, here you are. Smack that out your hand. Hey, so welcome to the ghost room. I'm your ghost.
00:23:08
Speaker
Oh my gosh. I'm the ghost. You're the ghost. You're the ghost. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. We have been following. Yeah, I died in this room making a TikTok. The most valuable TikTok of all. Sorry, I've been a bit a bit speechless. This is just my first time meeting a ghost. I didn't think it would be so, um I guess corporeal looking. Like you just kind of have a full full body. Yeah. So I'm not like the other ghosts. um You know, I like to just be myself and, you know, like share my interests. Oh, okay. it I don't want to be rude. yeah Is there a ghost like thing you can maybe do to prove you are actually a ah ghost and not just a naked woman in the middle of this room?
00:24:01
Speaker
Sorry, I was like reliving my OnlyFans repeat bad memory. But here we go. That's OK. Of course. Here we go. um
00:24:14
Speaker
How about that? Did you just fart? Yes.
00:24:31
Speaker
I don't believe in ghosts but I've been to a couple of haunted houses. ah There was one in Pennsylvania that I went to on tour and it was like just basically the theme was a hotel where they kept a little area sectioned off for a haunted house. The problem is ah that when you're at a most haunted houses, there's so many people next to you that you can't really enjoy the buildup of something being scary. I feel like if you really want a haunted house experience, it can't be something that you were standing in line and you can see the feet of the people in front of you.
00:25:10
Speaker
do Do you mean like, wait, do you mean it it wasn't like a haunted house? Like, oh, like, you know, this is like allegedly haunted. You mean like a Halloween Horror Nights like kind of situation? Well, generally, that's how most of the haunted houses of the things that I've been to is the, you know, the You pay the ticket, you go through. But there was one hotel that was allegedly really haunted. And I think it was in Pennsylvania. And at the really legitimately allegedly haunted hotel, they had a little section of it that they had faked and made like a little walkthrough thing. yeah But the problem with the walkthrough part is that like I would rather one of those experiences where it's an Airbnb But you just spend the money and then all night long they scare you and your family or friends is a thing that is the theme is a the Of the movie high spirits
00:26:16
Speaker
That is literally the theme of that yeah i mean mean i mean when you want to go at shit house And you want like the full buildup of a horror movie devoid of like other people's presence it sounds like it more experience I do believe he goes, I've had a ghostly experience. ah This is never be told a be before told story ah to anyone here in this room. um after the After the explosion of the challenger, I know too soon to bring this up on a comedy show, after the explosion of the challenger, I guess that was 1985. I was gonna say three.
00:26:52
Speaker
I think it was 89, right? I think it was 85. I think he's right. I was there. I think it was 71. You guys are all babies. And so, so I was laying in bed that night really thinking and grieving for that. Cause it was pretty intense as a child and grieving for it. And all of a sudden I felt a finger like kind of circle in my ear, like inside my ear, not like around the outside, but actually felt like a finger just go into my my ear and just kind of just go a little around my ear. So i that was, I am, ah to this day, positive that it was Christa McAuliffe just calming me and easing me and know like letting me know that everything was going to be okay. I do believe- A ghostly wet willy? I kind of agree with you the same way as calm dogs. I know I know it's weird, but it's probably difficult to break a plane of existence. I mean, we understand that like animals see in different like they see in a different light spectrums and hear in different sound spectrums that we are unable to see. So it's quite possible that like when your cat is staring off into oblivion, they're like looking into another dimension. So this is all I'm saying. Are you sure, Jack? And I hate to poke fun, but he wasn't it he was putting the circle in your ear. You're sure he wasn't trying to make it on the outside like the the ah universal sign language for crazy? I do believe have inside my seven-year-old ear, if if if I'm not our eight-year-old ear. That is bizarre.
00:28:22
Speaker
yeah ah And it was a woman, Krista McAuliffe was a woman, so she knows what you know. She was a teacher who was on the Challenger Show. Oh, yes. That's right. yes So I remember, I am also older than most people in this podcast. ah Around your age, Jack, but not nearly that old. That's messed up, bro. I was in school when the Challenger blew up and I have a very vivid memory because they pulled in a television and we all watched it on the TV and the entire class of like first graders or kindergartners started laughing.
00:28:57
Speaker
because we had no idea what was going on. And I remember the teacher being very upset and like yelling at us, but we didn't get it. Like the idea of people being on a thing, blowing up. We were just, you know, kids sitting around watching a TV that'd been dragged in. Or maybe that's like just how it works. And a big explosion happens. You know, like the space shuttle goes up and it breaks into a million pieces. The explosions are funny. I don't really remember seeing it so much as I remember being yelled at for the reaction of the class of like, what's wrong with you? It's like, I don't know. If it's 1985, then I was five years old and I was in kindergarten. It was 86. I was in first grade because it did something unexpected, like a bunch of kids like watching 9-11 live in the morning.
00:29:50
Speaker
because the teacher was on there they were setting it up for all the students to watch I really doubt any other like rocket launch was being watched by kids it was first ah first teacher in space it was a big deal it was a big well
00:30:12
Speaker
All right, we've all got our reasons for trying to get off the planet. ah yeah Some of us are trying to escape a day job and some of us are trying to fulfill a dream and all the hard work that we've worked
Space Mission and TV Show Pitch
00:30:26
Speaker
on. I'm rotted in 16 states and two countries. Yeah. And you got pretty lucky when you drew the get off a planet Earth card. I'm just trying to get away from my mother-in-law. Yeah. And I'm annoyed with you as well. Did you know I went to school to study astrophysics? I'm not even going to use this on the space journey. I'm pretty angry. Well, I'm really sorry about that, man. I mean, you know, I got three sons. Two of them are hunting me down because I owe 18 years of child support. I gots to go.
00:30:58
Speaker
It just seems like there's a lot of people on this spacecraft that didn't even want to go to space. But isn't that isn't that the theme of human colonization since the beginning of time? If you think about it, criminals, people escaping persecution, people escaping, you know, you know the collection office. but there like I'd like to weigh in here, actually. ah Thank you. you know At least another astronaut here is going to say something. Thank you. Yeah, I did train to go on this journey. um I was kicked out and I did get into the Lotto system. I was kicked out for being ah too stupid. That's what they said. What? They said too dumb.
00:31:36
Speaker
Am I the only qualified astronaut? Yeah, so if anything goes wrong, and I guess so. I can't think of anything more American than sending a bunch of unqualified people up into outer space. Can you? Commander Riker, are you ready to take your people to space? I don't know if you've taken a look at the, have you taken a look at the ledger of all the people here that are on the ship with you? Yes, we have a criminal. We have someone who's dumb, someone who doesn't want to be with their mother-in-law, and someone who's being hunted down by their sons. I'm not being hunted down by my sons.
00:32:13
Speaker
I am. You're the one. And we're sure there's there's no better candidates for this show launch today. Commander Riker, no, it's it's you. It's you and you are alone. All right, Jesus. All right, everybody's buckled up, right? Buckled up. All right, but you're buckled. I don't like how he cuts into my neck. So I just pull it. I pull it real far out. Oh, that's not going to that's not going to work. When this thing lifts off, you're going to be you're going to get choked out like Hulk Hogan, Hulk Hogan, like Hulk Hogan. Do you mind if I stretch my legs out on the back? Because there's no leg room in here. It's like a little that's supposed to be leg room. If there's too much leg room, that's all the spots that your legs would thrash. Oh, you can take my spot with his legs. I'll stand.
00:33:01
Speaker
Oh, thank you. Sit back down. Sit back down. Daniel, Daniel, please sit back down. Oh, there was my belly.
00:33:24
Speaker
Hey, everyone, kind of step into my office over here. I'm looking at the lineup here for the fall, and I think I've got a great idea for a show. I want to bounce this with you guys, little writer's room action. Shoot it, Chet. Shoot your shot. Shoot your shot, Chet. Yeah, so I was watching the that space shuttle take off. and I noticed one of the guys was a deadbeat dad and I thought what a great idea for a television show deadbeat dad flies off into space it's kind of a redemption maybe can i have adventures all over the galaxy and maybe someday he comes back maybe he's made a lot of money maybe he's mined the
00:34:07
Speaker
The Kuiper Belt, maybe he's found riches beyond the dark side of the moon. and maybe Maybe he's had more children out there in the galaxy. Maybe he's copulated with a giant bug. There's bug people now and there's like a bunch of bug people that um get in there. I know and keep it coming. This is the show. So show kicks off. he keeps He's back on earth. He's brought his bug kids who he raised better than his own kids. Oh. his kids are jealous
00:34:37
Speaker
natural inborn conflict. I like it. Yeah, you can see like we we do sort of like a contrast like the compare and contrast with the kids were like, you know, one of these kids is rude. One of these kids is really polite. One of these kids is a bug, you know, and like just really show the differences in like the family dynamic that way. You got to write this down. Yeah, two kids have an internal digestion when they eat food, their stomach digested. One of them has to vomit up acid on its food, melt it down, and then suck it in through its proboscis. I think we're going to call it that. Well, maybe that's like a subplot where they're going to prom, but the bug kid, he's trying to wear a tuck for the first time. We've got three seasons here. We've got three seasons. We're the material right now. And this is, I think we're going to call it spacely matters.
00:35:26
Speaker
spacely matters. Okay. Spacely matters. Yeah. i would remember i was I was thinking deadbeat dad, but that was kind of right on the nose.
00:35:37
Speaker
Okay. Oh, great. we're just I had a little bit of trouble dealing with the altitude here in Denver, Colorado, okay? I'm sorry. My hands have gotten a little bit too wide because they're full of water, Bill. I'm sorry. My hands are full of water and I can't grab things as well as I used to. Let's be honest, you've been overdrinking, and I know your hands are swollen, but a lot of the behavior you've had is more than just your hands, okay? it's It's not, you know what, I feel like the amount that you've drank would kill a person even at sea level.
00:36:20
Speaker
Well, listen, I told you back when I was a kid, a TV got rolled in and I watched a trial happen. And then through the TV, someone came and they took over my body. And I'm just i'm just half a year. And what I told you at the time is you've got a wonderful imagination and that's the kind of quality candidate we're looking for in this interview process. And of course I hired you on the spot, okay? But I need you to just be grounded and I need you to be at this convention and represent our company professionally.
00:36:59
Speaker
And if you put these gloves on over your hands, I know that it's gonna look bigger, but since they look like Mickey Mouse, it might hide it underneath. You've got these enormously alcohol-filled fingers. You just gave me Mickey Mouse gloves. Now I look like a cartoon. But they will hide what is really almost gruesome underneath. It looks bloated.
00:37:33
Speaker
Oh, could you press floor three, please?
00:37:40
Speaker
Oh, oh my goodness. Your fingers. I'm sorry. Is there a poison in this elevator? Is that going to happen to me? Just, just watch what you do. Watch what you take. You have to let me out. You have to let me out. This door is locked. You're going up. We're going to come in two, three, four, five, and six. I could just one button. I could just catch one button. I'm so sorry. This day is Monster Hands. I can't have Monster Hands show. What the hell is going on in this elevator? I'm trying to go up. I'm trying to go to six. No, hold the door. Hold the door. I gotta get out. Okay, there you go. Press six for me, buddy.
00:38:25
Speaker
it's oh guy i got noility What are you doing? I don't want to be on this thing all day. I'm so sorry. I can't help it. I can't help it. I have monster heads. Wait a second. Your hands, they filled with alcohol.
00:38:50
Speaker
hey look at my driveway neighbor you see how you see how much you jail much snow got off of it the new kid he just came in here with his hands and ran them along the driveway and just plowed my whole driveway with his bare hands Do you see this? He can do yours too. I know that your back is hurting you, but he comes in here and it takes him about three swipes to clear your entire driveway. That's a bunch of bullshit. No, no he's a Denver treasure. He goes around. So a lot of people say he's not real.
00:39:27
Speaker
But let me tell you, he's yeah he comes in the middle of the night, comes in the middle of the night. I don't think there's a guy who comes in the middle of the night with big, giant hands and puts his hands in hot asphalt and spreads that asphalt over your lawn. I don't think that exists. He's Denver's best cryptid. He's like Bigfoot of Denver, except he's got big, massive hands and he paves her driveway. Okay. I mean, that give me his number, but I don't think he exists. No, you just have to put out like a bowl of pistachios and he goes in the middle of the night. Don't be fed up pistachios. If he's got his hand as big as you say, I think I'm gonna put him to work on my back. No, I wouldn't do that. He gonna break you in half. Die, okay, we'll see.
Personal Stories and Allergic Reactions
00:40:23
Speaker
When I was probably in junior high, my cousin lived across the street and he's highly allergic to mosquito bites. this If you live in the Midwest in the summer and you're allergic to mosquito bites, it's brutal. Yeah, but it was kind of early on. I don't know if the the allergy developed afterwards, but and not everyone, like every mosquito bite he'd get would swell up like giant. But one of them, he got on his ear and his ear became so swollen. It looked like the size of like almost half of his face. And he was a little kid. He was probably, I was probably 12 and he was probably three or four. who And I had my other 12 year old boyfriend over there. he was ah So was their friends we were both 12 year old boys and we were friends and we were hanging out and we were at my place. And my mom says,
00:41:25
Speaker
we're going to have your cousin Craig go over. All I want you to do is cheer him up and don't say anything about his ear. And we were like, okay. And I don't think my 12 year old boyfriend and I had ever been so silent in my whole life. I remember like we were in my bedroom and we were both terrified of him and like didn't like really say anything. And I'm sure he got some sort of like Benadryl. I don't know what they did, but the next time I saw him his ear was back to normal and not like, not all like floppy like you'd expect. I don't know how the body's so miraculous, but you'd think if something became that giant that when it came down, it would just be like. Benadryl thing. I'm allergic to flea bites and it's kind of the same thing where it's like it swells up and then I itch all over the place and they look they look like cigarette burns almost when you itch like off all your skin like on these bites and that's when I when I was a kid I got like my parents got like CPS like called on them because some mother at my school thought that I had cigarette burns all over my legs and it was And it was like, no, like our cat came home and had fleas and the fleas bit me. And I like, it was allergic to him as a whole thing. But your story made me think of, this is real short, but it was weird. Back when I worked catering, when I first moved to l LA and I worked for this really upscale catering company and we went to like celebrities houses and shit like that and and catered these big events. There was one event that was like for this like art gallery kind of like thing. And, ah
00:43:02
Speaker
We had like the meeting before when they're giving us the lowdown of everything, you know, it's like, okay, you're gonna work like this stand over here, you're gonna be on drinks, blah, blah, blah, you're on refills. And then at the end, the lady came in and she's like, there's going to be a man and he's going to have a bird. on his shoulder. Do not look at the bird. Don't mention the bird. She was really, really serious. She's like, don't, don't talk about the bird. Pretend that the bird's not there. And then this guy who was like just a totally normal looking guy had a yellow, like a little yellow parakeet, just like right on his shoulder and was walking. And it was like, and they never told us what was going on with the bird. what the bird's deal was, what the guy's deal was, but they were like, don't mention the bird. Don't say anything about the bird. Don't talk about the bird to each other, you know? That's weird. That's so And it was, I've never had to ignore a bright yellow parakeet before in my life. It was impossible to do. I stared at the bird the entire time. um just Yeah.
00:44:15
Speaker
And immediately, as soon as I left, I was like, what's with the bird? You didn't have to sign an NDA to that talk about it later. No.
00:44:38
Speaker
Sorry, man, that is a working dog.
Airport Antics and Pixar Critique
00:44:40
Speaker
Please, please don't look at him. He's looking at you. So cute. Ma'am, please step away from the dog. He's searching for drugs currently. OK, thank you. OK, you're going to take a couple more steps back. Oh, he's so cute. But he has a job. We are securing the airport. Thank you so much, ma'am. I bet your dog. No, it's a security dog. So cute. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Hey Rico, hey while the dog is being distracted, let's go ahead and take these bags that heroin went through. Come on, man. All right. Heroin, yeah. Heroin, yeah. That's probably enough grapes. That's probably enough grapes. No, it won't eat the grape. I want it to swallow the grape. Keep spitting it out. Tony, what's the matter, boy? Come on. Tony, you don't like grapes? Eat the grape. You know what? I shouldn't. He's got a job. He's got a job to do. Laptops go in the bins. Any liquid can't go through. Any toiletries in the bins. iPads count as laptops in the bins.
00:46:05
Speaker
Hey, yo, Rico, hey, hey. Good thing we got, hey, we got past the service dog. So that was like the first trial, like in the last crusade. But now we got this lady talking about all bags on the thing. Only the penitent man will pass. Only the penitent man will pass. Oh man, hey, Rico, hey, hey, hey. Maybe if we slide the bag underneath and get the service dog in front of her and put him on the conveyor. We tuck and roll, right? We tuck and roll. Yeah, let's do it, Rico. All right, sir, you're just gonna spread your arms out. So spread your arms out above your head, spread your feet out, and it's course gonna it's just gonna scan your whole body. Tuck and roll, tuck and roll. yeah That's fine, sir. That wasn't a complete scan because you you rolled instead of spreading your arms out. I'm gonna need you to step back in here and spread your arms out. Please don't roll instead. when i say chosen poolie You've chosen you've chosen poorly.
00:46:58
Speaker
I'm gonna also need you you. You can't really speak while the machine is scanning. You're gonna have to spread your arms and spread your legs sort of like a jumping jack. Here we go. Hey Rico, just do the jumping jack. I already got the bags, so we good. I've chosen wisely. Oh, sorry, sir. Do you have a water bottle on your belt?
00:47:28
Speaker
Are you looking at me? You're looking at me up here? Yeah, I'm looking right at you, boy. What do you want? Why are you looking at me? I'm just up here in this tree. I'm looking at you up in a tree, little freak. You're a freak. Huh? You're not a tree, boy. You're three feet tall. How do you call me a freak? I'm just up in a tree. No one makes fun of my hide. No one says that to me. Not to my face. Not like that. Not like this. I'm not talking to you. You're not talking to me? Did you say you're not talking to me? I said, are you looking at me? You are looking at me. I told you I'm looking at you. What's so hard with you? I told you I'm looking right at you. Well stop. I told you I wanted a door. Stop it. No one's supposed to look at me. look at but Read the sign. Read the sign on the tree. Don't. Look. English is not my first language, boy. I'm gonna have to have someone else read this for me. What? Can you just tell me what it says?
00:48:20
Speaker
Are you guys talking to the owl you're not supposed to talk or look at? Yeah, I see it. I don't like coming to like Pixar world and a bug's life on the off nights. Cause this is weird. They just like arguing with each other. Yeah, and they won't, you know, they're not that entertaining. yeah No, they're not. This doesn't remind me of the movie at all. This company's really gone downhill. They ran out of a lot of ideas and now it's just kind of weird stuff. It's okay, Sarah. Look, I mean, a bug's life ride might not be good, you know, but maybe some of the other ones are a little bit better.
00:48:56
Speaker
Alright, well it's going like Pirates of the Caribbean, but I heard that they took out most of the pirates and sort of just replaced them with regular guys. Hey, welcome to Pirates of the Caribbean. See, they're breaking the fourth wall already.
00:49:16
Speaker
And with just a couple of bee stings, you will have plenty of girth, as long as as long as there's at least a slight allergic reaction to it. Oh, I'm so allergic, so allergic, the bee stings, so allergic. That's good. What I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a 10-pack. Give me this bee right now. Oh, whoa, hold on. Give me this bee. Oh, geez, you're wasting bees, sir. Do you need the girth right now? Oh, that's a lot of bee stings. Hey, these are medical bees, OK?
00:49:50
Speaker
Well, I'm sorry to say at the World Environmental Forum today that bees are extinct. They were all used on one man's penis. Unfortunately, that's the end of bees as we know it. All were used on a penis. It wasn't the best decision, but it was a decision we made as humanity. That guy the guy's wiener was really big at the end, though. so It was pleasing to see. I liked seeing the big wiener. Still not sure if it was the right decision. It was nice to know that humanity could come together for one common cause, for one big cause. If we couldn't make one man's wiener comically big, then what's the point of science?
00:50:37
Speaker
It's unfortunate that now nothing's gonna pollinate, you know, our crops and whatnot. And they'll probably be, you know, world famine and other disastrous impacts. As long as he pollinates, you know what I mean? Well, that's not going in any woman.
Closing Remarks and Season Break
00:51:08
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our past audio engineer and sound designer, Tony Rancolio, and our incredible Patreon members who helped me afford this creative journey. This is the penultimate episode before we take a break. There's one more coming in, and I'm hoping to get it out on time. It's the live show from the Chaos Bloom Theater from June 15th, episode 100. I am so proud of the hundred episodes we've done. There's going to be a slight break while I regather my forces and move forward with what we will call season two. But I'll tell you more about that after next week's episode. Thanks for listening. Catch you next week.