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Original Understudies - EP 96- Storage Units
145 Plays10 months ago
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Amy Bury - @bury0007
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Mary Doodles - @Marydoodles
Adrian Holguin - Boulder Ensemble Theatre Company
Max Crandall - @UncleCrandy
Jonny Cruz - @jonnycruzzz
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Improv Comedy
00:00:09
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of original understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestion. Today's suggestion is storage units. storage unit. I don't know for sure. No name. Anyways, let's introduce the improvisers starting with Adrian.
Name Pronunciation Humor
00:00:35
Speaker
Adrian, would you do me a favor and say your first and last name because I screwed it up and I want to make sure I have it right. My name is Adrian. Oh, again. Oh, again. Yes. Oh, again. Like the Latinos of the old game. It's an age, but you don't say it.
00:00:52
Speaker
it's It's so hard for me not to say it. I feel like I've i've just been raised saying the letter H for so long, but O'Glean, I love it. So one
Live Recording and Festival Promotion
00:01:00
Speaker
wonderful thing I'd like to promote for you, if it's okay, yeah is that on June 15th at 8 p.m., there's gonna be an original understudies live recording at the Chaos Bloom Theater, and you're gonna be in it. That's right. It's gonna be super fun. Is there anything else you'd like to ah pitch or plug this week, I should say? Yeah, next week. um All next week is the Denver Fringe Festival. There's going to be all sorts of different kinds of shows and workshops and just cool stuff going on. And the King Penny Radio Hour is the 1940s improvised radio show that I'm in. And we have two shows ah during that Fringe Festival. so
00:01:40
Speaker
I wholeheartedly apologize, but without a time machine, there's just no way these guys can go see it. But maybe next year? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I feel bad, but yeah, I won't be able to get this out until after the Prince Festival there. But that's pretty cool. Next year, yeah, for sure, for sure. And up next, we have Amy Burry. Amy, welcome back. Thank you. Where
Social Media Shoutouts
00:02:05
Speaker
would you like people to find you online? Yeah. I'm out of this, I struggle with this. got Which of my three accounts, I think I'm going to go with Instagram this time. I don't know. TikTok may be done, I don't. Let's go let's go to Instagram, burie B-R-Y-0-0-7. That's the handle. Great, I love it. 007 with an extra zero. X, absolutely, that's that's what the, yeah, yeah.
00:02:37
Speaker
It makes you go, oh. And here we have Mary Gootflesh, AKA Mary Doodles coming in from Portland. How are things going up there and where would you like people to find you? ah Things are going great in Portland, James. It is sunny out with a lot of rain guaranteed, and that's going to be immediately sunny right afterwards. ah You can find me everywhere online as Mary Doodles, except TikTok. I'm DoodlesMary, because that was the account that kept getting hacked. um but This this month of June is my 13 year anniversary of being on YouTube. So I'm just going to be like dumping a bunch of shorts and new content and celebrating. So you can find everything that I do at marydoodles.com. That's going to be the hub. And yeah.
00:03:22
Speaker
Parton's great. Exciting. And now we have Max Crandall. Max, welcome back. Hiya. Where would you like people to find you? Find me on Instagram at Uncle Crandy on Twitch at Max Crandall. And go ahead and on YouTube, look up. The pirateship dot.com commercial I'm in, which for some reason has over a million views I saw, I was like looking up this commercial I was in and I was like, why does this commercial on YouTube have over a million views? Not to give them free advertisement. But what is the pirate ship?
00:04:01
Speaker
partnershipship It's like a it's like a it's a like a shipping company, like a UPS type thing, I think. okay yeah It's amazing. so it's not like It's my go-to. It's all pirate themed, first off. So when you're dealing with their customer service, they're like, how can we be helping you? Oh my God, that's amazing. It makes me want to ship something. Yeah. As someone who's like shipped like art and prints and stuff, like that has been my go-to. basically like they will scan the internet and find like your best deals, best prices, and then you can like just like easily print. It's great for like anybody who's got like ship a bunch of stuff. It's yeah it's a good hub. spot They should pay you more. The but spot has me tied up in a trunk and like a pirate opens the trunk and he's like, I'm here to save you. Now I see it. Up to 10% on your shipping and then like doesn't help me out of the truck. Oh, pirate. That's all you got to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope when they. At least it's not the Pirates Bay. Oh, I thought it was. Actually, I don't know how I feel about the Pirates Bay, but i that's what I was so mentioning. It was a commercial. It's like a commercial for the Silk Road.
00:05:09
Speaker
Check out the dark web. Hey, have you ever wanted to buy a a pound of Molly and and hire ah and an assassin? Get a man in a truck delivered to your door. All sorts of anti-Spanish tirades. and And our final understudy, who's super original today, is Johnny Cruise. Welcome back, Johnny. Where would you like people to find you? Happy to be back. You can find me everywhere at Johnny Cruise, J-O-N-N-Y-C-R-U-Z-Z-Z, because I'm a very sleepy boy. You know, on all the the major platforms, Barrow, Beehive, you know, all the the major ones. Why does Johnny have to be heard? I haven't heard Beehive. Storage units. Does anybody have any stories about storage units? I don't. It's not exactly a storage unit, but my my mom has always said that if things don't go well for me out in LA, that I could put all my stuff in storage and move into her garden shed. So I have this kind of like
00:06:16
Speaker
backup. i think i will say like always third storage I love that. there I have, I have known several people that have done the, Oh, I've been to put all my stuff in storage and I'm going to leave LA for like a year and then I'll be back. And they all, and they always just come back to basically sell and get rid of all the stuff in the storage.
Storage Unit Realizations
00:06:40
Speaker
Yeah, that was all that last October, ah because I was going through like a pretty gnarly breakup all last summer. And so I quick through everything in storage in LA, and then I was bouncing back and forth from Minnesota to California. And it was basically that. I went back to LA, and I had like all this stuff where I'm like, oh, I could sell this. I could make so much money.
00:07:03
Speaker
At the end of the day, I either gifted or just left things on the curb, but which was like, why did I just spend three months paying for storage when I just got rid of stuff? Although as karma would have it, now I'm in Portland and the weather's nice. People are just leaving things on the curb side. And I have found so much cool stuff. I kind of feel like, oh, it's all coming back to me now. um Like i I got this projector. It's like a little handheld, projector where you can upload video and images on it. And I don't know what I'm going to do with it. Maybe use it. Does it work? because I've wanted buy those online, but they always just I think it's too good to be true.
00:07:45
Speaker
Oh, she's running. She's running to go get it. She's got control. And it's like all tiny and portable. And it's um it's the greatest thing in the world. I'm um'm so excited about this. I carry it everywhere with me in my purse because I get fit. If you can't, no one can see this because it's audio, but it's like the size of ah what are those um ah Stanley cups like it's got its own stand. It's amazing. So, yeah. ah My advice is put everything in storage and then like ditch it right away. And the universe will bring it back to you in six months. Maybe get storage then. I mean, that was my problem. I spent, we had a storage unit because we have such a small apartment in Venice and Aaron and I had a storage unit for at least a year, maybe more. But it turned out the money we were spending to have it in storage was actually more than all the stuff was worth combined.
00:08:37
Speaker
So we just had to get rid of things. And one of those things, which I don't remember who got, but it did not go into the, somebody got it. Do you remember, Mary, when you gave me the most giant orange beanbag chair in the world? Beanbag, I had a feeling that would be a curse. Eventually I had to put that into storage and it took up like 20 feet. It was insane. That was like a brand sent it to me. I got that. I loved it for years. I loved it for years. And then I, and then I got rid of it. I don't know if somebody has it though. I think it might've been Jack Zula. I have no idea. But it didn't just disappear. It's very cathartic. We had a huge flood. They had to gut our house. And we were living in my mother-in-law's basement for what, six months. And so all of our stuff was in those storage units, right? On a truck, someplace in a warehouse. And
00:09:33
Speaker
we lost about two thirds of our stuff. And I have to agree, it's like super cathartic to be like all this stuff that's so precious that you can't have coming back and like downsizing and realizing that it's not always the things that make your life or like the people and, you know, being able to kind of come back from that I think is really cool. Amen.
00:10:03
Speaker
You have to get rid of five toys and then we'll bring you for a birthday present, whatever you want. So just pick five toys that we're going to donate. not No, no. I want all of them. Well, but that's kind of what life is. It's like you've got look at all these toys. This pile, if we put them up on top of each other, it would be taller than you, Sarah. Just five toys. OK.
00:10:33
Speaker
OK, OK, choice. You've all been you've all been really wonderful toys. ah Sarah, like Sarah, I'm going to step outside of the room so you can have some private time with your toys and tell me when you've made your decision. OK, OK, I just have to ah talk with them real quick. Okay, toys, you have all been part of my family through my young life, but I am now going through a life transition and I need, I can't take all of you with me, I'm sorry. Please don't get redefined. We love you, Sarah. I know. I'll offer to die first. Throw me out, get rid of me. Mr. Potato Head, are you sure?
00:11:22
Speaker
Yes, my the limbs are, things are falling off of me already. I don't have too much longer to go, so just, I'll sacrifice myself so that you can have the rest of these toys. We will all remember and honor your brave sacrifice. Just, just do one thing for me. Anything. Always keep, smiling, and singing and singing that song that we had together. ah I will always sing the song. She got junk in the trunk. She got junk in the trunk.
00:12:20
Speaker
Hey, buddy, happy 40th.
00:12:26
Speaker
Congratulations, you know, you may you made it. Yeah, yeah, it's it's been a wild ride. I got you a little a little gift. So you're going to like it. OK, yeah, you me I'm excited. It's a it's
Giant Inflatable Banana Dilemma
00:12:46
Speaker
a giant inflatable a banana. Oh, it was right here in the corner. It's wacky. Yeah. Oh, that's so big. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got the biggest one. It was, you know, Sam's Club. Yeah, I know. They got the things hanging. You know, they have to hang it from the rafters because this is so big. There's nowhere in the aisle that can put it. It's huge. Dude, I do. Thank you. Yeah. But
00:13:17
Speaker
ah You know, Megan's she's she's not going to like that. You know, it's so big like this. This is late. Sorry. Sorry. Happy birthday. Happy. What's up, Greg? I just got to get there from the back of my car. I got this 80 pound stuffed Donkey Kong. Oh, right. I get this huge Donkey Kong. I'm just going back here. Oh, well, number one's perfect. No, no, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. Guys, guys, you can put the banana in his hand. Yeah, let me stack it over here. That's okay. Guys, it you guys go come on, dude, like i we didn't we didn't plan this. No, no, I didn't plan this. You guys did this. airline Yeah, I mean, you just.
00:14:03
Speaker
No, run you guys are my boys. but Number two, Megan's gonna hate that man. Come on. yeah Like this was us. This was us back like 15 years ago. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. I'm sorry. Is it Megan's birthday today? No. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was Megan's birthday today because I got my best friend a gift. Yeah, I no know. I think Megan would be happy. We didn't we didn't take Megan to the opening of Kingdom of Planet of the Apes. No. No. Yeah. No, you guys didn't get to in that that giant frozen banana that was almost the size of her head that she ate and said this was the best dessert I ever had in my entire life. I didn't get that with Megan. Yeah. No, you you didn't. You know, we didn't send Megan that all deep fake.
00:14:54
Speaker
What? What? What? That one was nasty. That was so now wild. That was wild, my boy. You might watch, but listen, dude.
Life Changes with a Baby on the Way
00:15:02
Speaker
Listen, dude. We're going to have a baby. No way. Shut up. Yeah, we're having a baby. And, you know, honestly, she likes to keep this place pretty specific, you know, like colors, pastels, really beautiful. And honestly, guys, we had a great run, dude. We had a great run. and I wish I could keep it going, but I now have a wife and a baby on the way. I can't live like this anymore. You guys are my boys, okay? You guys are my fucking boys. Doesn't mean I can't go to your house and we can play with this huge banana and Donkey Kong all day. I'm not keeping that shit in my house in this huge. Are you kidding me? Does it cost the storage in that thing? are you Yeah, that thing's gigantic.
00:15:53
Speaker
It looks like this is pretty used. I don't know if we can accept this banana packet Costco. ah Yeah, I just, it's not used, it's just that that I think the travel of getting it from one place to another, it's a huge banana. It's spilling out of the box, like it's not even all the way in the box. Yeah, because it's like one of those foam things, when I opened it, it expanded, and now I can't shove it back. My friend doesn't want it, okay, so I got to return the... Oh, so there's nothing wrong with it.
00:16:27
Speaker
Well, what's wrong with it is that it's a giant foam banana. I guess that's what's wrong. That was displayed above you in the rafters. Yeah. I know. I just, I can't you there's nowhere. Does it say it has to be in the box? Is that policy that store policy? It's just going to be really hard for us to get our money back on it. Maybe I could give you store credit. I don't, to be honest, I actually don't have a members club card. I just- Oh, you can't be in here. No, my mom was with me when I bought it. You can't be in here. No, my mom was with me when I bought it. We're security. Intruder alert. Intruder alert. We're security.
Costco Return Policy Debacle
00:17:10
Speaker
got to go Don't do top call security. um all right just Just let me hide behind security. Is this man bothering you? He's not a member. yeah he's he's just a ah I don't know what you'd call it, but a not a not a real person. He doesn't have a possible membership. You say I don't know how to be in the building just because I'm not a member? It's a private club. Exit the premises or you will be obliterated. Okay, okay let me just let me grab this banana. I got gotta take this banana with me. He's going for his huge gun. What the hell? I would just be docile. These robots don't have a lot of patience. this is this is These are the Boston Dynamic ones?
00:17:51
Speaker
Exterminate Outlander. Exterminate Outlander. yeah I have to take cover. i have I'm sorry. I have to take cover. I regret everything in my life. Initiating extermination sequence. I'm going to miss everybody. I wish I had told my mom that I loved her more. Other that other than that, just one time I did it.
00:18:18
Speaker
She's been up there talking to her toys for a long time. Maybe you should go help her. Okay. I had a feeling you would not be able to do this, so I am going to have to be the heavy here, and I am going to... I just feel
Toy Decluttering and Home Aesthetic
00:18:33
Speaker
like I never had to give up my toys as a kid. I relate to her. You're making me the bad guy. We are trying to keep a pristine, a Scandi-Japani style in this house. And that means that sometimes you have to get rid of any products that seem too colorful, too fun and plasticky. We're going with wood, natural materials. So I had pitched it as we would get her one new gift if she got rid of five. Yes, and we've already picked that out. It is the rocking horse made of bamboo with Well, a little wool saddle on it and it goes very well with all of our other. It's beautiful, but that's kind of more of a gift for you.
00:19:17
Speaker
i I'm not saying that you'd write it, but it's just a big trinket. It's a big trinket. Are you calling me? Are you calling me selfish? Oh, no. No. I birthed that child. I know, and it was impressive. You did a lot of work for that. I ripped from the jean to Ayn, all the way through. And never the same since, yes. And never the same. And you are going to call me selfish for just wanting a little pristine Scandinavian style in our home. It's just that she's just only gonna be able to enjoy that horse a couple more years. It's- Okay. It is clear that if I want something, I'm gonna go have to make it happen myself, okay? Get out of my way. I'm sorry. I wasn't in your way. Jeez.
00:20:07
Speaker
Honey? It is done. It is done, Mom. Oh my God. Oh my God. yeah I have my five survivors here. Oh my God, what have I done? I have Barbie. I have pirate captain Lego man, the one with the hook. Oh my God. I have a wheeled car. Oh my god, what have I done? I have another Barbie, because they're best friends. I feel bad, but I also feel like maybe I should have provided a very clear list, because you've still picked toys that are not going to quite fit in with the aesthetic. I have a horse. I chose my little pony.
00:20:55
Speaker
Oh my god, this is crushing. Oh my god. Okay, fine. Fine. You all can have what you want. Make this place a fucking pigsty! A fucking pigsty!
00:21:23
Speaker
Well, looks like we got a couple newbies here at the Island of Lost Toys. Go ahead. It was awful, this young girl. She she was so violent at the end there. I saw where she got it from. Her mother was a horrible bitch as well. Seldom are are the end of our time with our owners. Non-violent. Yeah, usually. I wish I hadn't committed Sepulchre. Oh, there you go. Here you go, Mr. Yeah, Mr. He-Man. Let me go ahead and use a little duct kit. Your Yep. You want to put your guts back inside. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Oh, good. It's new. Yeah. i See, it because you you made a plastic and all that doesn't really matter how all your organs are rearranged in there, but probably not going to.
00:22:18
Speaker
You're not going to look ever as pristine as you once did. None of us here in the island of Miss Toyz looked like we once did. I would just like to protest. I'm not actually her toy. She stole me out of the cubby of one of her friends that she was overly obsessed with at at her school. Oh, yeah. Now, now i see, I had a similar situation. I was a cabbage patch doll that was stolen from my original sweet little girl by her older brother. And he put all these here tattoos on me. It drew him on with the permanent marker and gave me this permanent cigar you see drawn onto the side of my face. I i didn't know that was a cigar. Yeah. I'm glad it was a cigar.
00:23:06
Speaker
Yeah, I may be telling everybody it's a cigar because the opposite would be make me a little too sad every morning when I wake up.
00:23:29
Speaker
I might be from the wrong time in history, but I ah lived in a world where if somebody fell asleep at a party, you used permanent marker and you would draw all over their face. Is that something that you guys did, too? I think like we did it once. And then it was like that person got so mad ah that it was like, oh, maybe overjoyed with your artwork. ah Well, what are you what if you did some really great artwork on your friend, yeah right? He woke up that you couldn't be mad. He was like almost like ah like tattooed makeup on. Yeah, just like pristine artistry. I'm going to go to the shop tomorrow and just be like, can you trace this?
00:24:15
Speaker
I had I didn't actually do this one, but it was in my group of friends. And I think it was basically the end of our days of writing on people's faces when they fell asleep. But somebody like full Darth Maul, they're them and they had to go to work the next day. So it was all these like spikes and things. and It did not look good. It was, you know, what drunk people do when they're the last people awake at a party. Yeah. And they had to go to work. But I guess in college, if you show up to work with permanent marker all over your face, ah it's a little bit. that happens to like me they couldn't get it off or like it it wasn't just feel who did the morning like you go it was probably I don't remember the specifics because while I was only in college just a few short years ago some of my memories have faded but I remember it was probably some coffee shop we all worked you know shitty jobs. and that that that's It's actually my favorite job I've ever had working at a coffee shop for the record, but it was not it was not like being a lawyer, like showing up to court. and my ah
Pranks and Consequences
00:25:13
Speaker
In high school, we had ah we had a prank war ah that was, you know, one of those things that's just slowly escalating. And one night, I didn't even think this was going to be a good prank.
00:25:26
Speaker
I was just like I was just throwing things at the wall. I had my friend. We went to CVS and we got shaving cream, you know, and we went to my buddy's car and I just drew a dick on like the hood of his car, you know, just like a and I was like, ba you know, I don't know. I'm running out of ideas. We leave with shaving cream with shaving cream. Yeah. OK, I don't want to spoil the story, but I can almost imagine what's going to happen now. The next day he shows up to school. ah Shaving cream is apparently acidic in some, in some level and has eaten away at the paint, like where, where it was. So now he has like a, you know, discolored, same color on this car. Just like rocked. And look at that point, like that's the first time in all the pranks. It's like, Oh, now I have this property damage now. And it's we're in high school. So it's not his fucking car. You know what mean? That was pretty much the end of the prank war at that point. I wrestled in college and you would go and and before a practice, you would throw your dirty workout gear into a bin and they'd hand you a stack of clean clothes. And one time they handed us a stack of clean clothes, but the jock that they gave you
00:26:44
Speaker
that they gave us was ridiculous, was like way too big when I tried to complain and they were like, no, and we were freshmen and we knew better. So when I went out to practice, the straps from the jock straps were hanging out below my shorts. And it turned out it was so that the varsity could attack us and all the freshmen got piled on and we they hog-tied our legs into our jock straps so that when the coaches came out, we were and hog-tied in the bottom. Oh my God. I think I've seen this movie. Yeah, there was like one dude who wasn't out, who was just having the time and was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, don't, don't tie me up. Oh, really? I'll understand, guys.
00:27:39
Speaker
Nurse, would you hand me 50 cc's of Novocaine? 50cc is Novocaine.
Humorous Surgery Scene
00:27:45
Speaker
doctor I see you were out last night. ah How could you tell? the Several penises on your face. deh horns ah oh ah interesting This one's a corn dog. This one's a flower. ah Yeah, I know my buddy's got me real good. My buddy's got me real good. yeah you look great you ridiculous us ridiculous i got yeah high five high five
00:28:14
Speaker
let's try to keep your Let's try to keep your tongue down. I don't want to suction it up with a little tool here. and ah it's little tool here i five i bye buddy Doctor said a little tool here. That's a dick joke. so This is the third time this has happened. Knock, knock. Sorry, we we we're doing some rounds with some of the residents. ah Some of the new recruits is going to sit in on the surgery for a little bit. That's okay. Yeah. um You know what? I may actually see if ah there we have a different nurse on staff. A different nurse on staff? Yeah, just quan to to fill in because... um fillin like to so fill it
00:29:00
Speaker
You know, who's this? Who's this derelict in the, in the, in the surgery? I haven't, I, I, I, oh me? I can't call my arm. No, not you sir. I can't call my arm. No sir, you're, you're the patient. We have a, we have an interesting- Talking about the hobo with this wandered in. Oh no, that is a shortage. I'm nurse Derek, I'm, I'm, I'm cool. Yeah, he is what he was graduated top of this class. That's why we we we nabbed him. But if we just didn't do this whole thing. i I was noticing on Nurse Derek that the the penis to on the left part on her lower mandible seems to be bulging in an interesting way. I think that might be indicative of some sort of mandibular
00:29:46
Speaker
Malefication. This is one of our best and brightest new recruits here. That's great. You're right. that that hi hi oh yeah go ahead and get The asking for a high five. Not you, Derek. Derek, put your hand up. I think we're all going to have to go wash our hands again. This is definitely a good protocol. Derek, you probably should get the penis on your face checked out because it could be precancerous. I will actually. Thank you. I'm going to book an appointment immediately. Thank you. Thank you for the heads up. His blood pressure is dropping pretty rapidly here.
00:30:35
Speaker
No,
Courtroom 'Whoopsie' Defense
00:30:36
Speaker
your honor. OK, he's responsible for disintegrating my entire car. It disintegrated. Your honor, your honor. If I may say, it was a whoopsie. So, a thank you, your honor. What do you mean it's a whoopsie? It was that was the whoopsie, man. Look man, I can't get around to work. That was my only trap. That was my only thing that got me around was my car. Now I gotta walk around. You know how hard that is?
00:31:11
Speaker
All right. And I'm looking at the evidence here. We have photographs of the car disintegration. The car appears to be 90 percent disintegrated, really just a steering wheel left. On behalf of my client, I would like to also say that he did, you know, in fairness, he left a little note that said a whoopsie. This is a whoopsie. Bailiff, can you hand that note to me? What do you mean hand that to a whoopsie? I'm just saying all along, his intention was a whoopsie. There was never necessarily mal intent. It was always whoopsie intent. So i I just... There's a video, a YouTube video of him going like, this is going to be sick. I got a lot of mal intent. Did you watch the next video? Because there was actually a follow up to that one that said that previous video was actually, um it was satire and it it was never intended to be taken seriously. And you're honored for the record, your honor, both.
00:32:05
Speaker
over 20k likes. so All right. All he's guilty of is being very popular on YouTube. Okay. That's right. In a moment here. Thank you. Thank you. I've seen the evidence I've weighed in and look young man, as much as I appreciate your grievance for the loss of your car, Honestly, ah after the Supreme Court case of Broseph versus Andy in 1993, you received proper notification that it was a whoopsie. You received a note. You received written information that this was a whoopsie. And 20K views is pretty impressive, especially in this day and age from a channel. He said likes. I will have order in this court or I will have you removed.
00:32:58
Speaker
I'm sorry. Your honor, may I speak? You may. I would just like to say I'm willing to give a compensatory. Sorry about it. I think my client is going above and beyond to show his innocence and I. I sentence you a compensatory story. Sorry, I'm late. Sorry, I'm late for my client. Oh, boy. Dude, boy. My lawyer's finally here. No, that's my lawyer. You don't have two lawyers. Oh, shit. That one's mine. I have been representing you. This is blatant sexism. You have never seen me as your lawyer, have you? I thought you were like some chick who was just like yapping. Sorry about it. Sorry about it. My whoopsie. Order in the court, Mr. Gilbertson, not only are you late to court, but is that a magic wand with two orbs next to it drawn on your face?
00:34:00
Speaker
it's I made it a magic wand just in the bathroom to make sure it was appropriate for the courtroom. It used to be a penis. That would explain why it's shooting fire. Okay. It was just hair and and well, you know what? Let's get to the case. Did I miss anything? Is that your beard shaved in the formation just around the orbs to insinuate those are pubes on balls? Oh, no, it's ah it's supposed to be a magic on a magic wand with two magic orbs. I'll allow it. Thank you. So, yeah, so whoopsies. She's like she already ruled. Oh, she ruled. I ruled and I was just passing sentence.
00:34:51
Speaker
Okay, I'm glad I didn't miss this. Yes. You missed it! You missed it, man! No, you both can't rise. Only one of you is the defendant. Oh, which one am I? Yeah, you. Oh yeah. All right, here we go. All right. The defendant, you are found mildly guilty as long as you perform a apology for your whoopsie. And the plaintiff is allowed to draw a wiener on your face in permanent marker, magic marker. Bailiff, can you hand the plaintiff a marker? what What color sharpie would you like? I have a blue, green, black. me can you like, I guess to yes just give me traditional black one. Let me check this. Hey, dog, let me say this from the bottom of my heart.
00:35:44
Speaker
Yeah. I saw we. Justices, sir. I saw we. No.
00:36:05
Speaker
I called you both into my office because the word on the street is that there's a prank war going around. It ain't a war if ah only one person's battling. Oh, that was, you may have have have thought that was a sickness, but. There was a burn. I am trying my best out here to keep up with the pranks, but I am a, quite frankly, I am just a neurotic, I am nerd. I'm one of the nerds. I don't know why he's picking a fight with a nerd. I don't have cool tricks. I just come to school to learn. And this guy is picking a fight with me.
00:36:46
Speaker
Usually, us here in the principal's office, we don't choose sides, but I have been getting a lot of protests happening in the lunchroom that it's a bit of a one-sided prank war. Well, yeah, yeah. He killed my dog. He killed my dog. And I got back to I got back at him. I got back at but him by ah researching your mama's so fat jokes on the Internet. And I said one of them ah whispered it in his ear. Feels a bit like a throwing rocks at a Bradley tank. Yeah. Yo, I just want to point out there that since ah she has been her doing her Gilmama Silvat research, my mother has gained over 75 pounds somehow. um She's getting all sorts of ads on her computer now for all sorts of like weird weight gaining and materials.
00:37:39
Speaker
ah I think there's more to this nerd thing, right? Like I thought we were going to real world fight. I see. So, so at this point, when your mama sits around the house, she sits around the whole house is what you're saying. Yeah. that very go She's got her own zip code now. Well, damn, now I'm um a little torn because death of a dog, that's pretty that's pretty funny. It was a wiener dog, so, you know, hilarious.
00:38:11
Speaker
I didn't think it was very funny. I didn't think it was very funny. And quite frankly, I- Well, you know, the butt of the joke never thinks it's that funny, you know? I drew this honorary wiener dog on my cheek myself to honor Now, is that true? Did you draw that yourself? I did. All right. That's not a part of the prank war. No, no. All right. Well, I just feel like maybe it's all accelerating a little quickly. Maybe y'all could go back to doing something like wedgies or pie in the face of hand buzzer. Maybe it's just a little worried. I mean, look
00:38:51
Speaker
I'm not trying to get in the middle of nothing here, because I want y'all to have your fun. And I ain't the type of principal that's just gonna, you know, act like the government come in and stop y'all from having fun. I was just hoping maybe y'all could just put the brakes on a little bit. I would love to put the brakes on this thing. but No, no, no, no, no. She made me invest in crypto. And so now, And now my credit is ruined, I get one more, I get one more, some kind of like. Okay now, now that's pretty nasty. That's pretty nasty of you. ah You made this boy invest his money into a blockchain currency against a guess ah natural fiat like we got in the Americas. You know that was a bad investment and you can trick this boy. I have all these NFTs of pictures of people with penises drawn on their face. Oh, not the board, a penis face edition. That's the worst. You are filming.
00:40:04
Speaker
I don't care how thick the mustache is, I'm going to need to see an actual ID if you're going to purchase alcohol. But it's so really thick. It's so thick. Look, take a look. I got to be honest, I'm not going to touch it, but it looks like you've drawn it on there and it sounds like a fake Mario accent. No, no, no, no. This is my real accent. Take a look and touch my mustache. I'm not touching your face. I'm not touching your face. Look, I'll touch it. Look at me. I touch it, touch it, touch. I touch it, touch it, touch. Give me the beer. Look, I could get in trouble for giving you alcohol, you know? You can get in trouble watching me back slip. That is impressive.
00:40:53
Speaker
But here I feel like those backflips or something that a kid would be better at doing it at all. It doesn't really make me feel like you're over 21 and then you got to be over 21. 21 inches. No, no, not 21 inches. That would be just a little under two feet tall. I'm over two feet tall. Give me give me the super. safe No way. Hey Kyle, I come in and to check on my liquor store and I find one of my clerks discriminating against my people. i I mean, he's not showing an ID.
00:41:39
Speaker
I mean, I don't know if you see clearly, but I feel like that mustache is drawn on and looks ah animated at best. I want him to touch it. He wanted to touch my upper lip. are you Let me touch your lip.
00:41:55
Speaker
It's a nice lip. Your mustache is so smooth. that I think the smoothness is his lip. I think the smoothness is his lip. It's not... What? You ever never touch a mustache? You're a nasty man. Okay. All right. I'll touch the mustache. Okay. Oh, God. Oh, you touch. Oh, my God. You touch the mustache. ah Okay, I guess I'll sell him beer, but I gotta be honest, it's mostly because the owner of the establishment is telling me to. If
Fake Mustache Scheme
00:42:27
Speaker
you're a secret shopper or working for the police, I'm a, ah you know, ah this is, i'm i'm I'm under duress making this sale. Why would I be a secret shopper? I don't that's how I hear it happens. You don't check an ID, you get busted with a fine and I've already got two. So I think third strike, I go to jail, but here you go.
00:42:48
Speaker
ah the be It's so good on my lips Goodbye
00:43:12
Speaker
So you're telling me you sold beer to a 12 year old boy with a painted on mustache. I was forced to sell beer to you. I don't think that maybe just touch his upper lip to make sure the mustache was- It was hella smooth. I think it was some sort of mass hypnotism because, well, not that massive. There was one other person that touched it and he believed it was real. I feel like that kind of encouraged- Look, we're not gonna come down on you too hard here. Oh, thank God. Because the truth of the matter is that we are currently
00:43:49
Speaker
investigating your their boss. We think his mustache might also be a fake. What? we We're thinking that somehow an 11 year old boy with a fake mustache got a business license to run a convenience store in our town. That would make so much sense. God, I'm such an idiot. We need you to wear this wire. I mean, that's pretty big. That's ah a lot of wires, honestly. Yeah, we're not scientists over here at the police, okay?
00:44:22
Speaker
All right. It kind of looks clumped up. Maybe I maybe I should say it's chest. too Yeah. we You think you could put on a couple of pounds and just act like maybe you got a big belly now. The big belly of OK. Yeah. Sort of a lumpy spaghetti filled belly. You know, I can give it my best shot. Just go in there and start talking about things like Fortnite, skippity toilet, you rizz, see things like this. See if see if he responds, you know.
00:44:55
Speaker
Hello ladies, you come into my liquor store, you buy anything you want. Look, yeah I'm definitely of age to sell. Okay, I guess I'll get a Zinfandel, a box Zinfandel. Let's see here. ah Yeah, and maybe cup another box Zinfandel. Five box Zinfandels, thanks. Okay, they're are kind of high on the shelf. I'll have to get a ladder or something, get them up there. Oh, why don't I get that for you? Let me get that. Yes. you Oh, you got something on your face. so Do you mind if I just wipe that? There's a there's a fly in your in your mustache. If you just let me, I mean, lick my tongue really quick and not touch it. I'm a special. Well, it's OK. I'm just trying to help out. I don't need to send out anymore. Oh, OK. Well, honey, it's me, your wife, and definitely not your mother. I i have brought you lunch. Oh, thank you so much. I love the pizza. It's the pizza, and I cut it up into small bites as for you so you can swallow easily. Oh, I would like them rolled up so that pizza rolls. Oh, that would be the sort of place. Come here, give your wife, not your mother, a kiss.
00:46:09
Speaker
Why always on the cheek I mean you know what I don't necessarily need you guys to prove anything
00:46:28
Speaker
Anybody here ever get in trouble with fake IDs? What? I had a fake ID. I think I've actually already told this on here, so this is a redo. It's possible. I had a couple of fake IDs in college, and one of them was, her name was Jennifer Lopez. and she it was a cow Was it by chance before Jennifer Lopez was famous? Definitely like right in her prime. Did you pick the name Jennifer Lopez? There's no way I heard this story. I would know this. No, and she was like, um ah it was a California ID that was confiscated at the bar that I worked at, which is so stupid of me to then go, hey, this didn't pass our test. Let me go try it elsewhere. But I did. She was like um a blonde Latina.
00:47:13
Speaker
from California. ah Looks just like you. it's Just like you. From Right. And an out of state ID is like always like the red flag. So I was using a California and I, but I ah got it confiscated in Key West. um And luckily they didn't do anything to me. They just, yeah, made me sit out, sit outside. outsideing the bar Made you sit on the curb. Yeah. i I used to um cross the border. I lived in El Paso, Texas. And i in Juarez, at some point, the most dangerous city in the world, I would cross over to go have some drinks. So I was about 16 and a half. I had a fake ID to say I was 18. So yeah, I would cross the border and the guy looked nothing like like the guy had like a round face kind of smooshed in like very short hair. I had what I looked like is just said an adonis of a man. and
00:48:15
Speaker
And I would show this to the guys at the front door and they look at this guy and then they look at me and they'd be like, all right, come on. They gave no shit. They gave no shit. I remember outside, uh, you know, it was drink and drown. Basically you pay like, I don't know, 10 bucks. You can have all the drinks you want. The sun rises. Yeah, it was nuts.
Border Crossing Antics
00:48:38
Speaker
And then afterwards, you're just walking on the streets. And I remember this one kid came up to me with flowers and he was like, would you like to buy flowers? I was looking at him. And then I feel like this little tickle in the back of like my butt. And I grew, I cut, I bring my hand around to like, kind of like grab my butt and my wallet is falling back into my pants.
00:48:58
Speaker
And I look around and I was like, what, what, what? And the little kid is gone. Nobody's around. I was like, I almost lost my wallet to get to get back over the border. It was crazy. I love the idea of a place having a drinking ah thing named after drinking and driving. You're making him kind of promotional. But we're going to discourage driving. What about drinking drown? Drinking drown. Drinking drown. There's a canal nearby. I don't know.
00:49:40
Speaker
All right, we're just gonna do a standard inspection of your vehicle before you come back into the United States. Do you have anything that you need to declare? Yeah, no. I'm sorry to to be aggressive with you, ma'am. You can get aggressive with me, any day. Have you been drinking? No. and did it OK. All right. So if you had popped the trunk, I'm just ah me and my friends like this. Hang on. I'm going to do a quick look. Oh, there it is. Oh, who's this in the trunk? I am. I'm a friend.
00:50:29
Speaker
I'm so sorry, I was trying to play it a little. Get out of the trunk, Miss. Get out of the trunk, Miss. It was just an oopsie. Oopsie. Sorry, your honor. I'm definitely going to need to see your ID, Miss. Oh, which one?
00:50:45
Speaker
one to Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, probably just need to see both your IDs. But you were, it looks like you're trying to see, from my point of view, look and try to stick over the word. Oh, uh oh.
00:51:00
Speaker
Yeah, I don't know if I can fake my wallet. Oh my God, did you lose your wallet again? I think that's okay, that's okay, honey. I got an idea, here's what we'll do. I'll put you in the trunk. We'll sneak you in over the border, because I got my ID. I'm gonna drive, I'm gonna drive. Get We'll put you in the trunk. They won't notice. We'll just like sip out of it. I really hate to back on in say this, because you were clearly in the middle of here! a blackout.
00:51:28
Speaker
I'm actually, I'm actually still here. Oh my God. And it seems like you probably had this idea. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Is this guy being creepy to you? Is he being creepy? I'm getting the ick from this guy. I'm really getting the ick from this guy. Sorry, excuse me. I was sitting in the back seat. Oh, I didn't even see you. I'm president of the United States. He is. He is. He's so smart. I'm president of the United States. I say we can go. You should touch his mustache. It's real. It's authority. It's 100 percent. It's 100 percent real. State of approval.
00:52:14
Speaker
OK, I mean, I can't deny I'm losing my fingers in this mustache. It is real as can be. Yeah, that's right. OK, my bad guys, just please. I wouldn't have anybody in a trunk because it gets hot this time of year. And I highly doubt the air in that trunk is nearly as ah cool as it is up here. Oh, it's not. And it's not. That's why I am not wearing any gloves. to be honest, it was pretty musty when I opened that up. I think you should get a bad swamp crotch. We put her in the back of the swamp crotch, which is okay. Cause it happens to every girl at some point.
00:52:57
Speaker
All night, you're out all night. Oh, my God. Here's the picture. You're out all night and you're like... I'm only supposed to keep these cars moving. Last night was a movie by guy. You gotta listen to this. Everyone's in wet bathing suits, 24 hours. And shots, shots. I have more shots. Oh, God, I wish I was president. Yeah.
00:53:17
Speaker
I'm going to put you under arrest for the president of the United States for making my friend cry. Big time. I was just trying to move you guys along. I'm going to get in the trunk. OK, I mean, can I at least take these clothes off before it's going to be hot in here?
00:53:45
Speaker
um i'm a I'm Ted's father. I want to thank you all for coming out to his memorial um and for bringing all of the gifts he's given you over the years. um there's I don't know how else to say this, but it's just been some complaints from the from the groundskeeper that while the giant inflatable foam toys that we've drug up onto the cemeteries.
00:54:25
Speaker
I'm
Memorial for a Border Agent
00:54:26
Speaker
going to miss my son so much, and we're just hoping maybe some of you could speak and let us know. If it's OK, I really think that the best thing to do is jump in the moon room. the bounce house. I feel like that's what he would want us to do. And if they're going to make us take down all the inflatables, can we at least jump in the bounce house for a bit? ah This is commander. commander Gomez from the ICE, El Paso division. And I just wanted to say that he was a hell of a border agent. um He was always stopping, obviously, drunk white American girls. ah He never racially profiled, in fact,
00:55:08
Speaker
more More stuff got through his, I mean, his border station than any other station. ah But the number of hot, wasted teen and early 20s women that he was able to ah arrest ah was was incredible. we just We'll miss him we listen him in El Paso. Hi, I'm Michelle. I'm his wife and I just I'd like to take this moment to raise awareness about the the plague of drunk trunk that is sweeping our nation and all nations around the border and just bring awareness that drunk trunk is not fun. You know when we were kids it just used to be penises and markers on your face and
00:56:00
Speaker
acid on cars that dissolve them down to the chassis. Just innocent pranks. Just a little fun. Just a little fun. Just a little innocent fun. But the tricky part about drunk trunk is when you're sloshing around in the trunk of a vehicle, you can hit your head. You can bash yourself real badly. And if you don't chug all that alcohol immediately, well, you can get a concussion. I just want people to know when you drunk trunk, drunk trunk responsibly. Thank you. Thank you. um I have something to say. um I am one of the quote unquote drunk early 20 something women that he um locked up. And I just wanted to say that if he hadn't done that, um,
00:56:58
Speaker
I probably wouldn't have started smoking so much weed which is I'm so grateful for because it really like the California sober thing is really working for me and I'm just like I'm not in trunks anymore but like
00:57:16
Speaker
Yeah. Is it time that we could draw some pictures on his face now? I think that would be great. Well, I would like I would like one thing to do. This is a this is this is his boss, Mario. Hey, it's really sad. It's really sad time for me. It was like my son, my sweet son. But I got something for you. Open up with a casket.
00:58:07
Speaker
Look at him! He's got he's got dick's trauma all over his dead body! episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post-audio engineer and sound designer, Toy Vocalio, and our incredible Patreon members who helped me afford this creative endeavor. This recording, when it's coming out, we will have actually already recorded episode 100, which will be live at the Chaos Bloom Theater in Denver, Colorado.
00:58:40
Speaker
And then we're going to take a break. When we come
Season Break Announcement
00:58:43
Speaker
back, it's going to be called season two. I don't know what wonderful journey we have ahead of us, but I need to take a teensy weensy break. In the meantime, you can go to Patreon.com slash Erasial Understudies. And I'm going to be putting up some various content there, some sketch stuff, and some things I'm working on in the meantime before we relaunch likely sometime in August. Oh, I can't wait to talk to you again then. Bye-bye. Original Understudies.