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Original Understudies - EP 83 - Daddies
170 Plays1 year ago
This weeks suggestion comes from a Patreon Supporter named Nikells.
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Jen Parker - A Meh Life Crisis
Gillian Bellinger - @GillianBellinger
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Adrian Holguin - Boulder Ensemble Theatre Company
Morgan - Morgan on Twitch
Trevor Tevel - Trevor on The Publisher Lab
Recommended
Transcript
Welcome Back to Original Understudies
00:00:08
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of original understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions. Let's introduce the improvisers starting with Morgan. Welcome back, Morgan. Where would you like people to find you online?
Social Media Handles and Promotions
00:00:30
Speaker
If you want to find me online, you can find me at not Morgan one, three, three, seven on everything.
00:00:35
Speaker
And is this the proper time to talk about the email you sent that had this link involved to get to this room? What? I want to launch some complaints about this email. Oh, no, I guess this is the only. There's the Zoom link to the funny room. It's the funnier room. It was going to say funny farm. Let's get a giggle on it. I know it's going to show up. Yeah, you signed off saying boink, boink.
00:01:02
Speaker
eat up those laughs, piggy. It's terrible. I'm getting embarrassed. I mean, I was trying to find something fun, like fun and spirited to send out. Well, I'm lodging a formal complaint now. All right. Well, thanks for doing it. You're welcome. And next up we have Adrian. Welcome back, Adrian. Where would you like people to find you online?
Theater and Book Promotions
00:01:24
Speaker
You can look up Betsy.org. That's B-E-T-C.org. That's the Boulder Ensemble Theater Company. And a couple of the shows that I'm currently performing in, including King Vinny Radio Hour, could be found there. Wonderful. And we've got Jen. Jen, welcome back. Where can we find you online? Thank you. You can find, well, don't find me online, but find my book called A Mad Life Crisis on Amazon.
00:01:54
Speaker
Perfect. I should just make it so that we can't see Morgan's face, because I just feel he's judging every person that I- I'm not judging anyone but you. Yeah, I feel it. I feel it.
00:02:08
Speaker
And we have Trevor. Welcome back, Trevor.
Podcast Involvements and Personal Shares
00:02:11
Speaker
Where would you like people to find you? Um, you could find me on the original understudies podcast. I forgot to mention I did a podcast for my work. That's called the publisher lab. And the title of my episode is AI nutritional labels. So if you want to hear me talk about SEO and some work stuff, you can find me there.
00:02:38
Speaker
I'd hate to look that up. And as I always do, I save the newcomer for last. Welcome to the original understudies podcast, Jillian. Thank you so much. Jillian, where would you like people to find you online? Well, first, I just want to say to Morgan, if he could stop copying me on all of the complaints, I don't need any more filling up my email inbox. I'm already at a thousand. So if you could just taper me off, that would be great.
00:03:07
Speaker
Let me just remove your hair. I just reply. I don't feel so much more powerful than reply. I know. I know. So folks can find me on Instagram at Jillian Bellinger. And that might be a lie. That may not be my handle. Also it's Jillian with a G.
00:03:25
Speaker
Which is confusing because when I say Jillian with a G, people want to like type that out, but that's not it. It's just that my name starts with a G. You can find me a Jillian. Your parents had a typo and it was just too, no, too arduous to fix. No, that's the real way to spell Jillian. That's the British Celtic way to spell it.
00:03:46
Speaker
Yes, it's the Americans that have messed it up with their J's. Just like Giraffe or Ginger James, we have J sounding J's in the world. Come on, man. J sounding J's. Can you file a complaint against James? Do you want to be on this one? I'll be on this one. Okay, this one I'll put you on. She's back. I believe it's the official X file spelling. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. She's like half British.
00:04:14
Speaker
Yes. She's in that British, she's in that British cop show. Scottish, English, the fall. Yeah. Well, I'm almost afraid if we keep talking, we won't even need the inspiration.
Improv Discussions on Trends and Humor
00:04:28
Speaker
I've got a, I've got a suggestion and it's coming from Nichols who says, glad to support you hilarious people. I'd love to throw a suggestion in daddy's. Oh, daddy's is the suggestion. Great.
00:04:43
Speaker
That's my favorite. I guess, aspirationally, I always wanted to be like a zaddy. Those are those like short, short daddies, like where people are like, oh, look at that zaddy. That would be like a life goal of mine for someone to be like, there's a zaddy. Can you break that down a little bit? I don't even know what that means. They're just like dads that you find hot who happen to be wearing short shorts. That's awesome.
00:05:09
Speaker
Not like super short shorts, but like running shorts or whatever. There's a Zaddy. I was with you. Jen, I thought it was a height thing. What would that mean? That you were short or tall? I mean, the way you said it, it was like they were short, short. Oh, no, no, no, they're not. I'm getting high reduction surgery soon and hopefully someone will reference me as a Zaddy. Yeah. I don't even like wearing shorts at all. And the shorter the shorts are, the less that I like to wear them.
00:05:41
Speaker
I think part of the reason is I kind of feel like shorts are for children. And I think if you're an adult, it's time to put pants on. And shorts are made for playing, but if you're trying to look professional out in the world, like I don't want to be on stage with shorts on, period. No, no one said that.
00:06:02
Speaker
I don't know. I'm retiring and ARP sent me this box of cargo shorts that I'm apparently some right now. Is that true? Yeah, James. Yeah. You, once you retire, you have to wear cargo shorts. Oh, okay. Okay. So you're, but I think James insurance was cargo shorts. Yeah. And it was on the beach, right? Yeah.
00:06:26
Speaker
I was wearing shorts one time and a whole bunch of people started taking pictures of me being like, see James wear shorts. It's like, what are you doing? That makes it so awkward. Exactly. It's Matt Gerard. He's a very awkward guy. To be fair, James, you were wearing a shirt that says, I never wear shorts except today. Please take pictures of me.
00:06:47
Speaker
Oh, that'll do it. Yeah. What I was doing at the time is I was wearing a shirt that said laugh guard, and it looked like a white guard shirt. Geez Louise. And I was doing an improv, like, and Matt was the one who hooked up the job for me, but I was doing an improv corporate workshop for a group of lawyers. Wait, I was there. You were there. That's my insurance. That's how I knew it was the day. That's where cargo shorts that day. That was a nightmare. I hated that day.
00:07:17
Speaker
That was the worst. Why don't you explain how that lawyer corporate workshop went? It was like a hundred lawyers and they got led out of like a convention. And instead of going to drink at the beach, they're right in Venice or Marina del Rey or somewhere. Instead of getting led out to drink at the beach, they instead got to go to team building exercises, which were just improvisers with dollar store toys, trying to make up a game for them to play because the person who organized it was like, you'll figure it out.
00:07:47
Speaker
It was awful and no one wanted to be there. I think that the guy that organized that probably got his ass sued. We should have fought him, honestly. Just for instance, what I had is because there was different stations.
00:08:02
Speaker
And when lawyers got to my station, they were supposed to get a hot wheel car
Corporate Workshops and Whimsical Conversations
00:08:07
Speaker
to ride on a hot wheel track over a hole in the sand that I had to dig. And the guy told me, make it three feet deep and three feet wide, like a three foot square.
00:08:19
Speaker
And I started digging in the stand until my fingernails felt like they were not bleeding, but it was close. They hurt. And I was like, I can't get it three feet deep. It's just harder than I thought. And then one group got there. And as soon as they had one Hot Wheel car go over the track.
00:08:36
Speaker
What do you think happened? They just they loved it and they kept doing it and it was really fulfilling. That's right. Yeah, I got in the wheels and the wheels of the cars no longer no longer rolled. So you couldn't like nobody could accomplish it. All the cars. I thought you were going to say that you put pants on. I put pants on and it all worked out.
00:09:01
Speaker
Oh, grandson, come in here. I want you to look at my picture book with me. Karima, I want to go outside and play on my skateboard. Oh, well, get close, get a sit on the couch. Ah, fine. Oh, I have the fire going and I have this old picture photo album of the summer I found shorts.
00:09:31
Speaker
Oh, oh. Yes. Okay. Oh, Devin, if you just turn that page. Yeah. Whoa. Look at those gams. My God. Kramer, your legs. I know. They look like shrivel.
00:10:01
Speaker
That's the hair. Women didn't shave then. Oh my gosh. Disposable razors were not a thing. Oh, whoa. Grandma, you're on a Ferris wheel and your legs are sticking out and it looks like the teddy bear's legs. Yeah. Look at that. Freedom. That's what that is, Jen. That's real. I haven't told anyone this, but.
00:10:30
Speaker
I have hairy legs too. Look. Oh, gorgeous. I need you to be my lawyer. I need a lawyer. I'll do it. Okay, great. Because I am suing Hot Wheels, the company. You're suing Hot Wheels, the company, because you're my lawyer. Hey, we're in this together. Thank you.
00:11:00
Speaker
You've always been a great neighbor. I've never thought we'd like bridge over to the professional, but thanks for supporting this. Cause I am, I was on a Hot Wheels. I know I'm not supposed to be on them because I'm a grown adult, but I was on a Hot Wheel and the wheel got stuck and I couldn't go any further and it wasn't that fun. And it kind of dis, it disraveled me into thinking, you know what? Childhood wasn't that fun. Who am I? My parents don't love me.
00:11:29
Speaker
I'm suing. Okay. Well, first of all, you're going to get a lot of money for this. I can just say that upfront. This is a winner through and through. I knew I came to the right person, man. They're going down. You know what? I don't even think a lawsuit's good enough for them.
00:11:51
Speaker
You're right. I'm gonna take him out old school. Yeah, we're gonna- Oh, honey. Carl, honey, are you talking to somebody on the porch? Yeah, yeah, it's our neighbor. It's Samantha. Come on out. It's me, Sam. The weird lady that plays with toys. Okay, that was rude, because I can hear you. All right, okay. I'm Samantha. You wanna catch a suit? Don't talk to my husband. Linda, you wanna catch a suit? Oh, all right. All right, let's take that. Thank you. Sorry, we're very litigious in this house. I understand.
00:12:23
Speaker
So I want to get some manscaping for my girlfriend. And I was wondering if we could get a heart shape right in, well, obviously this pubic area. I don't know what you call it. Yeah, we call it your pubic area.
00:12:41
Speaker
That's what I thought. That's what I thought. But when I was looking up on the Internet, every time I looked up pubic area, I just went down a bad Internet rabbit hole. Well, you got to get specific. What were your search words? I just said pubic area, manscaping. No, lead with manscaping.
00:13:00
Speaker
Well, I figured this establishment here was perfect for us. So I got a gift card. It's from my girlfriend. So I figured that's why she wanted me to come here, right? Yeah.
00:13:16
Speaker
I think that you've come to the exact right place. All right. So I'm just the first point of call. I'm going to hand you a beer and then I'm going to pass you off to Zeke. Zeke's a master at really scaping the pubic area of the food. I didn't know I'd be able to get a beer here. That's cool. So here's Zeke. Cool, bro. Best made of my wedding. That's besides the point.
00:13:43
Speaker
Oh, it's very nice to meet you. Hi. I don't know if you overheard anything that I was saying, but I got a gift card from my girlfriend for this place and I figured.
00:13:57
Speaker
I'm healing though. I'm going to hit the wax right now for you. I put it all over you. You want to, you want to heart a part like, you know how they pour in the cappuccino. They pour the cream at the end of the cream. You get the heart. That's what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do it right on your. Is it possible that you could just use scissors? Cause I don't want any hot wax on my. You just hold the commander away from the wax.
00:14:22
Speaker
Okay. Okay. I'll try to pull it out of the way, but it's kind of, it's still in the general area of where you're going to pour that wax. Okay.
00:14:40
Speaker
When I take the paper, I'm going to put the paper on there. OK. And on the count of three. One, two, three. I put it in the box. That's how I do it. That's how I surprise you. That's how I'm surprised. Oh, no. Oh, you took the heart shape off. I wanted just the heart shape left behind. Oh, I did reverse heart. Reverse heart. It looks like an idiot. Hey, we ordered some pizza, and you guys want some pizza? Oh.
00:15:11
Speaker
Is it appropriate?
00:15:16
Speaker
Honey, I am excited to see that gift card and what it did to your body. Drop those drawers. I'm not showing it to you. Come on. I'm embarrassed. Don't be embarrassed. We love each other. I know, but it didn't turn out the way we expected. Hey, hey, look at me in my beautiful brown eyes. Okay. I love you, okay. I love you too, or I would have never done this.
00:15:45
Speaker
Okay, well. There's two big things that happened wrong, okay? Did something happen to your commander? No, luckily my commander's fine. My commander's A-okay, but the shape of the heart is upside down. It's like pointing to me, it looks like a spade. It looks like a spade. Hey, well, I did some escaping of my own.
00:16:11
Speaker
In fact, I did some non-scaping, if you will. Let me just drop these pants. Look at these gams. What is a game? It's my legs. Okay, okay. Put your pants back up. No, no, I haven't shaved my legs. They look like a teddy bear. I want him to be slick. What? Snake-like legs. Slick as a snake.
00:16:40
Speaker
Well, maybe you can take your commander somewhere else this Valentine's Day, okay? Don't wait. Okay, it's too late to get another Valentine. Let's just enjoy the night and tomorrow we'll figure out the rest of it afterwards.
00:17:02
Speaker
Um, I'll get one cappuccino, but for the art, can you make it look like pubes? Sure. Great, thank you. It's a new, like, I don't have a Valentine's year, so it's like a new way of treating myself, you know what I'm saying? Sure, just bend your face right into some pube art. That's what I'm trying to do. It's like a very, like, taking care of me moment.
00:17:27
Speaker
Sure. I get it. What's the name for the order? Camille. Oh, great. Camille. Great. So they'll just call it out when it's ready. So if you want to go hang out, no big deal. But over in the corner, there's a real gaggle of men. If you're into men, there's also a murder of women.
00:17:50
Speaker
And there's also a clash of non-binary folks, if you're into that. And there's lots to choose from of folks who don't have valentines. Amazing. Thank you so much. You're welcome. We got a pube latte for cameo. It's me. It's Camille. If any of you groups of people want to hang out, I'm not busy.
00:18:20
Speaker
I noticed you got a double-vented pube there. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I'm drinking a 1976 myself. Oh my God. Yeah, it's a... I know it's a full on spiders trying to get out. I don't get it, but I love it. Yeah, I'm single. Thanks for asking. Nice to meet you there. Yeah, good to meet you too.
00:18:46
Speaker
Yeah, it's good. I guess I'd describe myself as... A little firm on your... Oh, that's embarrassing. Yeah. It's nice.
00:19:03
Speaker
Grandma, that's how you met Dad. That's how I met. I didn't know you met Pop Pop in a coffee shop. I did.
Exploration of Latte Art and Sugar Relationships
00:19:14
Speaker
Yeah, it was a lonely time, and you know what is the wildest part of that story? Shoo. Is that Gen Z thinks they invented foam art. We've been doing it for decades. Oh, Grandma.
00:19:39
Speaker
I was a barista for many, many years. And I could do latte art pretty good. I could make hearts and I could make flowers the traditional way by just pouring. But I got good at what I would do is take the thermometer and I would dip it deep in the cappuccino and grab that crema from the espresso. And I would use it like a pen and draw right on the foam on top. I felt like I was pretty special. That's pretty cool.
00:20:08
Speaker
The suggestion of daddies makes me think of sugar daddies. And this was a world I didn't know existed until I was in college. And then I found out not only are there sugar daddies, but they're sugar mamas. And I...
00:20:29
Speaker
I just like went down this rabbit hole of like, what does it take to be a sugar baby to a sugar daddy? At least once, yeah. A sugar mama. And I was in college, I had no money. I was like, I could see myself being a sugar baby. And I was like, I could do it. And I created a profile on one of these sites
00:20:59
Speaker
to see what would happen. No takers. It was just the wrong site. It was just no sugar mamas or daddies clicked on my site. So you should have been looking for a sugar family because they can afford a little bit better.
00:21:24
Speaker
I feel like maybe to get into that situation is maybe more delicate if you're trying to find a sugar mama than a sugar daddy, which is probably like a much more just direct path to where you're like, Hey, I'll do this for this, like a monetary exchange. Like this is what we're going to do. But maybe if you're like, I don't know. I mean, I guess if they're on the site, then they know what they want.
00:21:47
Speaker
but they might just be on the site as, you know, window shoppers. Well, here's the other thing. So I knew a girl in college who was a sugar baby, but they, it wasn't like a creepy thing. It was more just like a kind of like a companionship. Like they would go to the zoo, they would go shopping and it was more like this guy was just kind of lonely. Um,
00:22:11
Speaker
But they did have sex. It wasn't like, not stopped.
00:22:20
Speaker
My sister was a bartender for a while, like years ago, and there was a man who came in and he was married, but he was also like in his later 80s. And his wife was much younger. She was in her 40s. They started hitting on my sister. But in like an elderly way, like he brought her a crystal dish with hard candies. Oh, no. He did.
00:22:46
Speaker
Still trying to get laid though. Oh yeah, for sure. They did not have sex. Claire, there's somebody at the door that says, they're your sugar baby?
00:23:05
Speaker
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I meant to tell you. I went on a website just to find someone I could sleep with beside you, but that I wouldn't pay for it. And then I found someone quite easily and I gave him our address and now he's here. What do you want me to do? He's at the door. Let him in, I guess. I don't want to be rude.
00:23:31
Speaker
Knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock. Jesus. All right, come in. I'm sorry. What's your name? Rod. Rod? Because I got a hot bod. You do, Rod. Sweetheart, don't embarrass me. I'm sorry. Come in, Rod. I'm clear.
00:23:53
Speaker
Hey, Claire, I recognize Jacob. Oh, nice. Hi. We were watching America's Got Talent and eating TV dinners. I don't know if. Well, I got a lot of talent. Look at these abs.
00:24:10
Speaker
Oh my God. Hi, Claire, I'm your sugar uncle. Oh my God, I forgot. I'm your sugar uncle, yeah. Hi, how are you? The site sent me over just to hang out with your husband while you're having hot sex with Rob. Yes, yes, yes, thank you so much, come on in.
00:24:29
Speaker
Excellent. Hi. How are you doing? I brought some bears. I thought we'd go throw some corn or something. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a full service site. That's pretty cool. Actually. I haven't had a, what the fuck is hold on a second. Hello. So somebody got to get this. Hello. Hello. Hello.
00:24:52
Speaker
Hello? I'm at the, hello, I'm at the door. Yeah, so am I, let me in. The door's open. Thank you. Is this a vampire or something? What's going on? Is there like a recliner or somewhere I can sit down? Oh, it's my sugar grandpa. I forgot, I forgot he was coming. Oh, sweetie, there you are. I hope you have such a lovely time. Hi grandpa, thanks so much for coming over to support me when I have sex with someone besides my husband.
00:25:20
Speaker
Listen, I feel a little uncomfortable. I get why he's got a real place to be. I like our uncle here. We're going to have fun. We're going to go play cornhole and have some beers. But what the hell's this guy doing? Oh, I'm not going to do much. I'll just be here left alone. It's fine. No, no, no, no. We're good. You can go.
00:25:42
Speaker
Hello? Oh, hi, Bridget. Oh, hi. I'm the sugar mama that you eventually leave your wife for as retribution for her behavior. And now to speak on the situation in the Pacific Theater, Commander Johnson. That's right. We're here at the Pacific Theater. We'd like to talk about it right now. I'm going to focus on Guam.
00:26:10
Speaker
where they're doing a revival of of mice and men. I think it's a pretty good show. If you go over to the Polynesian Islands, we're just wondering what the attack formation should be, what targets we should have in mind as we head into this next phase.
00:26:36
Speaker
Well, right now, we're hoping to pull it out of Guam and get it on one of the smaller theaters on Broadway at some point. Maybe the West End in London, we haven't really thought that far ahead, right? The tactical decision will be made at a higher pay grade than you, son. General, will we be pulling troops out of the Pacific at any point? No, I think we're gonna leave the troops and the Pacific theater until we've got better reviews than we've got right now.
00:27:09
Speaker
All right, we're doing auditions for Waiting for Godot. I'll take the first person who's ready to audition. Yeah, I'll do it. Oh. You go, you go, you go, you got it, you got it, you got it. My name is Megan James, and I'll be singing a song that I make up as I go.
00:27:32
Speaker
Oh, waiting for Godot or waiting for Godot. Everybody get to the big old show. It's in a theater having fun. Let's go out and get the sun. Thank you so much. Wow. Wow. I prepared a monologue. Okay. Which is actually just the scene from Wonder Woman where she comes out of the trench with the shield. There's a lot of talking, but just you remember that scene, right? So this is it.
00:27:59
Speaker
Now, is it OK? I generally like the bullets are hitting the shield and stuff. I don't know. It's a bracelet. I don't know, man. All right. I should I close my eyes and visualize it or you got to imagine that I made it so look at me, but then everything behind me and that's not me is actually that scene. OK. Uh huh. You're moving in slow motion. That's how it happens in the movie.
00:28:25
Speaker
Yeah, but it's- Petty Officer Williams here. I have been ordered to audition. Well, thank you for showing up. Thank you so much. This audition is still in slow motion. I think he's actually still- Oh, sorry. I thought it was over. I thought, I understand. I thought it should, you know what? Just stop the Wonder Woman thing. You got it. We're good on that. We're good on that. In fact, both of you two,
00:28:55
Speaker
You're good to go. Okay. Let us know. Thanks so much. Okay. We will contact you.
00:29:03
Speaker
I have prepared something if you are available for that. Thank God. Thank God. Yeah. Let me get my clipboard out and let me just be honest. Yes. As of now, you're pretty much a shoe. Okay. Well, what I've prepared is AI generated nutritional labels and I will be reading ingredients. Okay. Protein, six grams.
00:29:30
Speaker
added sugar, three grams, vitamin D.
00:29:35
Speaker
0.3%. I'm gonna have to stop you. I'm gonna have to stop you. It's incredible that you seem to have memorized this, or I'll have to take your word for that. You're not just making it up also, but that's not, there's no character to that. I can audition if you'd like. You're not supposed to audition. You're supposed to be doing these, running the auditions with me, but okay, you can do an audition. I prepared the monologue from Pulp Fiction from Captain Coons.
00:30:03
Speaker
Okay, I don't remember that character. And I'm gonna do it in a Christopher Walken accent impression. A Christopher Walken accent impression, great. Okay, great. Okay. Okay, me nay nah nah no, me nay nah nah no. What is this? Oh, it's just something I say to myself. Did you just cast a spell? Nope, it's a vocal warmup. They're common in the theater. Okay, well, I'm not a theater guy, I'm an army guy.
00:30:34
Speaker
Hello, little man. Boy, I sure heard a bunch about you. See, I was a good friend of your dad's. We were in Hanoi Pit of Hell together over five years. Hopefully, you'll never have to experience this for yourself. But when two men are in a situation like me and your dad were, for as long as we were,
00:31:01
Speaker
you take a certain responsibility of the author.
00:31:06
Speaker
That's beautiful. You've got it. You've got it. You're going to be waiting for Gadot for sure. We just got to get the other role filled. Is this where the auditions are? Yes. Oh, good, good. I've prepared something. I've been working on this. This is a speech by Lieutenant Worf from the Star Trek Enterprise. He's in the bathroom stall next to you.
00:31:39
Speaker
This is Lieutenant Worf giving a speech in the bathroom stall next to you. Okay. Let me just stop you there. Let me just stop you there.
00:31:56
Speaker
So, daddies, just the word, the plural of the word makes me uncomfortable.
Reflections on Terms and Personal Stories
00:32:02
Speaker
So like the minute you said it, I was like, no, thank you. Which I acknowledge has much to do with the fact that I'm a woman. And I think immediately when you pluralize daddies as an adult woman, it does sort of lend itself to like a sexual connotation that is not my favorite. And
00:32:23
Speaker
I have never entertained the idea of being a sugar baby because I know I'm not built for it. Like both physically, in the face, vocally, mentally, like emotionally, spiritually, politically, like every part of me is not built to be a sugar baby. I just, I can't even get a massage because I'm like the exchange of money for a stranger to touch my body just makes me uncomfortable.
00:32:53
Speaker
You know, massage was kind of freaking me out too. Like in general, like anything that is designed to calm you down will make me anxious. Yes. Yeah. Right. You too. I generally don't like people to touch me unless, unless we're going to get touchy all the way.
00:33:16
Speaker
Yeah, I'm not a big fan of massages. It actually, I think for me, the reason I don't, and this is probably more than anyone wants to know, but when I was a kid, when I was about to throw up,
00:33:29
Speaker
my mother would massage the back of my neck and my back. And I associate getting a massage with vomiting. So I've never liked massages, but in general, I don't like anyone touching me unless there's a real good reason for it.
00:33:47
Speaker
So are you a hand holder when you're with your partner? I've been with Aaron for about 20 years. So I can't remember when I first started holding our hands, but- It's about 20 years ago. Well, I mean, probably. We solved it. Yeah, but the transition, I don't know what the first time it was like, like, can I hold your hand? I don't remember that. But I don't, I picture it probably was pretty awkward.
00:34:14
Speaker
I always get self-conscious holding hands because I have like really sweaty palms. So I'm always like trying to dry my palms on my like pants so they don't like get sweaty. But yeah, I have gotten that complaint before that my hands are sweaty.
00:34:45
Speaker
Binky, put down that snake. It's not a tie. It's not a tie. No, Binky, that is a snake. It is not a tie. Please don't put it around my neck. I thought it was a tie. Why are there so many snakes here? I don't want to live in this house anymore. There's too many snakes. I understand, but we live in the jungle, Binky.
00:35:16
Speaker
Give me less sneaks. Listen, I can only afford one plane ticket, but you can get a job in the city. I'm gonna go to the, I'm gonna go to the city and get a job at an office. Great. I'll, I'll mind the snakes. I'm sorry I put a snake on your neck again. Bye.
00:35:44
Speaker
So we're going to do our year-end review. So go ahead and take that seat, Peter. The left one? Yeah. Okay. Here you go. Yep. What's up? Well, I'm going to deliver your year-end review and to tell you, and at the end of this, you're going to get a raise either way. You're going to get a raise either way. Okay. I'd rather not hear it though. Oh.
00:36:09
Speaker
I mean, if it's bad, it's gonna make me self-conscious about whatever I did. If it's good, I'm just gonna keep doing that. So I might as well keep doing the good work and I'll just take the raise. So you're gonna get the raise, Peter. Thank you so much. How much is that? It's the standard 5% every year. Thank you so much. Just shake my hands, please. Okay, let go of my hand. Peter, don't leave. Peter! Jesus. Rick, are you ready for me?
00:36:37
Speaker
Yeah, come in, come in. We're doing year end reviews. Which chair do you want me in? Well, either chair that you want, okay? Okay, I'll take the right one. Okay, so- Actually, could I have yours and then you could sit here? That would actually feel better to me.
00:36:58
Speaker
Oh, I guess I did say any cheer you wanted. All right, sure. Here. Great. I feel great. I did want to give you some feedback. What? Yeah. So just real quick. Okay. You might want to start saying raise instead of raise.
00:37:22
Speaker
What? It's really confusing. There's a whole line of people out there that have already been in here. Uh-huh. Peter's the only one that understood what you were saying. He understands that he's getting a raise. What else would there be? That's the question. That's the question.
00:37:43
Speaker
I brought my jar of pee. I don't know why you needed it. I did not ask for a jar of pee. You asked for a urine review. It was a urine review. It's the urine review. Oh, that's a wet glass. That is a wet glass. I'm just going to go back to my desk. You should take the glass with you. Oh, Jesus, sorry. I'm here for my review.
00:38:10
Speaker
Okay, good. Well, I'm gonna need you to get out of my chair. It's fine. I'll be in the break room. Let me know if you need anything, Philippe. Thank you. All right. Yeah, so I understand you saw me in a production of Waiting for Godot as Vladimir. Yes. And I was wondering what you thought of my spin on it.
00:38:36
Speaker
Well, it was the first time I've ever seen it, so I didn't know what the spin was. Do you mind telling me the spin and then I'll tell you if I liked it or not? You didn't recognize the accent that I did? It's crazy. I mean, it was great, but is that how the character always is?
00:38:58
Speaker
Oh, it's the first time I've seen Waiting for Gadot. Oh, well, have you seen a little movie by Quentin Tarantino called Pulp Fiction? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, does this ring a bell?
00:39:15
Speaker
This watch I got here was first purchased by a great grandfather during the First World War. It was brought in a little. I'll stop you right there. Yes. I think that the performance was fantastic. It got you the year's raise, right?
00:39:37
Speaker
Great. But I gotta be honest, the day-to-day job here isn't about that. It's about getting your work done, turning your work in, and keeping your nose down. You know what I mean? I'm ready for my review. Oh, I guess I'm getting a little overwhelmed here. You get a Reese. Okay, come on in. I'll just sit on the desk. On my desk? Yeah. Be careful, that wetness is not... Ew. Okay, you can just sit there if you want. Okay.
00:40:07
Speaker
I understand you haven't appreciated that I go around the office calling everybody daddy. First of all, I had a private conversation with HR that I thought it was probably a problem. Okay. Probably a problem. Okay. Oh, that's my tie. That's my tie. Careful. That's pretty tight on my neck.
00:40:30
Speaker
It's done with a slithery sneak coming out of your neck. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to breathe. I don't know. Can I get my wreathes? Yes, you can get my wreathes.
00:40:52
Speaker
Hey, Michael, we just got a call from some guy that wants to do a corporate event with a lot of lawyers that come out into the jungle. It's weird. We sort of have to make up games. Are you down with that? Yeah. In which jungle? I guess is my first question. Yeah. Well, that one that we were just talking about.
00:41:19
Speaker
Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. That one. Tell them about the games. Okay. So Michael, there is no rhyme or reason. Okay. Yeah. It's just,
00:41:34
Speaker
You know, whatever. So, pitch us. You're the game guy. What do you got? Well, I just learned about this. I guess snake collecting, how many snakes do you collect in a basket in a certain amount of time? Another one could be a tree climbing. How high can you get in the tree? Highest person wins.
00:41:54
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. Run from a Puma might be fun. Jungle Puma. Jungle Puma chases you. And if you live, you win. Maybe something to do with like, who can eat the most variety of plants and whoever lives wins. Yeah. That's just what I'm thinking. I just learned about this. So ask him about piranhas. Okay. What about piranhas, Michael?
00:42:19
Speaker
Oh, uh, piranhas, piranhas. Uh, maybe who can keep their hand in the water the longest. Okay. Good. Yeah. And whoever still has a hand at the end wins.
00:42:31
Speaker
Or yeah. Yeah. Whoever's just in there the longest, they win the prize and you guys are going to get that to like team building and synergy though. Cause you know, I gotta, I gotta sell this to corporate. Oh yeah. This is a, it's going to build teamwork through the hardship. So, you know, when two people have gone through something so hard together, they form an inseparable bond that will last their entire lifetime and even through generations, I would think.
00:42:57
Speaker
we cut to a globe and then we zoom in on that globe to the Pacific theater. And then we zoom deeper into the Pacific theater and we're in a jungle and we see lawyers in shorts and they are doing all sorts of activities. And we zoom in on two lawyers who have their hands in a piranha tank.
00:43:26
Speaker
My hand seems like they are starting to nibble. I concur. This hurts so bad. This hurts so bad. I don't know if this is worth it. I'm gonna pull my hands out. There, I pulled my hands out. Oh my God. I guess I lose. You should feel so close to both of you.
00:43:48
Speaker
I feel close to you, Jeanette, and Wyle. I feel so close that instead of being three of us here, it feels like it's two of us here, just two lawyers.
00:44:03
Speaker
Yeah He's leaning in I don't know why he's leaning in He's leaning in We will, we will Cliff, your face! Cliff!
00:44:30
Speaker
All right, lawyers, activity time is done. We are in for a treat. Just please sit down because we have an amazing performance for you. It is of mice and men. Please sit down, relax in those shorts. I see you there, you zaddies. All right. And we begin.
00:45:02
Speaker
So tell me again about the rabbits. Tell me, tell me how I'm not gonna get to pet the rabbits. Well, Lanny, you gotta look at the water and you gotta look for the rabbits.
00:45:22
Speaker
When you talk, you make me feel like everything's all right. Like I understand better than I do. Why don't I hold you tight and pet you? All right, Lane, but be careful. I'm gentle. I'm sorry. Please stop the performance. I know this is rude, but I have a thing going in my head and I can't let it go and I need to speak to the person who made the announcement at the beginning again.
00:45:48
Speaker
Yeah, that's me. I feel like you just called me a zaddy because I'm short. Oh, I'm sorry. That's a common misconception. It's actually for those who wear shorts. Well, okay, but you hurt me.
00:46:07
Speaker
I apologize. And while we're talking, I just gotta say, I find the accent that that actor's using pretty offensive. Oh my god, Christopher Walken? Yeah, he's pretty clear. He's trying to feed me up there. I don't think it's very good. I'm sorry. I was done with that.
00:46:31
Speaker
It was a little too good. In fact, it sounds more like me than I do, and it makes me a little worried. Why don't you get up here and do the monologue? I don't even know the words. The play is the problem. Can you give me a script? Sure. All right. Here you go. I'm used to the young John Travolta. Feels like you're making fun of me as a penny barbarino.
00:46:56
Speaker
Oh, I'm so sorry, John Tervolta. And it's an absolute honor that you are here with all these lawyers. I was able to travel back from the 1970s. Wow. Wow. You created time travel and the first thing you did was come here.
00:47:18
Speaker
That's horrible. There's so much you could do, John Gervolta. I have a 1970 cappuccino for a John? A pubis 1970 cappuccino for a John? Let's be extra goofy, please. There you go. Yeah, I've never been known for making smart career decisions.
00:47:55
Speaker
I'm looking at the numbers and it appears that somehow the space-time continuum's been fluctuated. I'm not exactly sure how to pinpoint it down though. Well, let's look at the numbers and let's do the math because we need to find out where the break in the continuum is. Let's look at the numbers and do the math and we'll figure out where the break of the time continuum is. Look at numbers and math and time continuum.
00:48:25
Speaker
Are you doing an impression of me? Are you doing an impression of me? I believe these are relics of the past time continuums. They argue from different timelines. Oh, I had no idea. Oh, I had no idea. The more the timeline splits, the more broken the version of you becomes. I understand. I'm an idiot. Oh, I never said that.
00:48:55
Speaker
Calm down. It's a space-time continuum. Let's look at the numbers. No, no, no. I know how time works. No, no, no. IPP Dutch. Oh, my dick. Oh.
00:49:17
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. And I have to say, hot damn, holy cow, Toy-Vo made miracles happen. One of these tracks, I don't know if you can tell which one, was really blown out. There was a microphone issue. And the way it started sounded a million times worse than the way it ended. So a special thank you to our post-audio engineer and sound designer, Toy-Vo Cobia.
00:49:44
Speaker
and our incredible Patreon subscribers. If you'd like to give a suggestion for our show to be inspired by, go to originalunderstudies.com and fill it in on the little, like, uh, widget I created. You don't need to leave your email address, but it would be really cool if you left your name, so I knew how to say thank you to. Alright, have a great day!