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Original Understudies - EP 88- Sunlight is the Best Disinfectant
134 Plays1 year ago
This week's suggestion is "Sunlight is the Best Disinfectant"
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
You could also send a suggestion to
OriginalUnderstudiesPodcast@gmail.com
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Miranda Shade -Speech Matter Expert
Zak Roland - Chaosbloom.com
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Adrian Holguin - Boulder Ensemble Theatre Company
Jake Regal @JakeRegal
Jack Zullo - JackZullo.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Apologies
00:00:09
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of original understudies, where I've gathered the world's most original understudies, and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions. It might be a couple of weeks ago that you heard the April Fool's episode, because there's one in between. I just want to say sorry for how rudely I introduced it. After editing it, I felt bad that I said that I don't like your suggestions and I've held it on my shoulders all week. I was lying. It was an April Fool's joke.
00:00:39
Speaker
We do have a suggestion today that we'll be using and we will honor it like it's cherry pie. I don't know, it's a big deal and it's good. Let's introduce the improvisers today, starting with Zach
Cannabis Culture in Entertainment
00:00:52
Speaker
Roland. Zach, welcome back. Where would you like people to find you and tell us about the exciting show happening downstairs?
00:00:59
Speaker
Yeah. Well, the exciting show happening downstairs is at the chaos bloom theater in Denver, Colorado. Uh, so that is the theater you can find me at. Um, that's where I like to hang out. It's a lot of fun. So if you're coming through Denver for whatever reasons, if you're, uh, but it's probably about time for the, uh, the, what's it called? The cannabis cup. Yeah. Four twenties coming around. Um, so is that held in Denver?
00:01:23
Speaker
I don't know. They move it around. It used to be at one point, but they have their own four twenties festivities here. So come and hang out and get high. When I was in high school, I used to get high times magazine and it was basically like my other version of pornography. You just get these giant now, I guess I'm just desensitized to it. Cause I could see the most beautiful buds and not give a shit.
00:01:51
Speaker
But yeah, I, I did dream one day of going to cannabis cup with I, which I thought at one point was in Amsterdam and they probably still have one there. Yeah. I think most places that are big on pot culture have them. And then they moved the big one around from place to place.
00:02:06
Speaker
That's smart of them. Next up, we have Jake Riegel. Jake, welcome back.
College Experiences and Choices
00:02:12
Speaker
Where would you like people to find you? James just slipped me a note. It says he really didn't like your suggestion. No, no, no. I do like it. I'm at Jake Riegel. I also went to UC Santa Cruz speaking of weed culture.
00:02:26
Speaker
One of the more iconic, along with Colorado, frankly, weed schools. But I was counter-culture. I did not smoke weed until after I graduated, which was probably a mistake in retrospect. Cause then when you were an adult, you were making adult bad decisions on weed or why do you think it was a bad idea? It was just like, I was a little holier than now about it in college and I missed out on social opportunities.
00:02:55
Speaker
You would just show up and protest the parties outside? Yeah, that's right. It was a lot of going into the meadow and holding signs with...
00:03:05
Speaker
Sayings that I want to repeat. Okay, good, good, good. And we have Miranda
Improv and Business Training
00:03:11
Speaker
Shade. Welcome back Miranda. And who's our little buddy that we have on screen? I forget his name. It's a girl. So she identifies as a girl. She's biologically a girl. It's Delilah. Delilah. Is Delilah the dog that you shared online with the, or was it somebody else's dog that had the little, the footsies with the ice and the snow?
00:03:35
Speaker
That was not my dog. No, I just... I didn't think it was. No. But at the same time, I thought you shared it and it was yours, but I was like, I don't picture Miranda in the snow right now. No, but it's kind of, right now you kind of sound racist because all those dogs look alike, I think really is what you're... Sorry. I think that's what you're secretly trying to say. The only clue I had was the snow. I was like, no, I don't think Miranda's in the snow area right now. Unless she went to the mountains. Nope, nope, no. Have you ever put footies on your dog?
00:04:04
Speaker
I did it once because I was taking a plane trip and I did not want her to actually get like step. I don't want her to have paws on dirt that's dirty. So, yeah. And most dirt is. Yeah. Well, at the airport specifically because they don't really clean those pet places very well.
00:04:24
Speaker
Oh, I know what you mean. My dog hates things on her feet. Yeah. Yeah. It didn't go well. I kind of went, okay. Plan B was to train her to go to the bathroom in a portable cat box. And that actually ended up working. So that was it. That's great. Yeah. Would you like people to find you online? And if so, where? Well, I actually am with a company called Corporate Speech Matter Expert, where we do improv training for business professionals.
00:04:52
Speaker
Oh, my God. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. It's super exciting. So we talk about the power of yes and and the need for a powerful no on occasion. But yeah. And then how you utilize that in the business and corporate world. Cool. And where would people find that? It's a corporate speech matter expert is the name of the website. So you can go there and you can see I also do accent modification and a variety of other communication goals for clients. Oh, that's awesome.
00:05:20
Speaker
Yeah. And we have Adrian Hoggwin.
Performing and Comedy Shows
00:05:24
Speaker
And I know that I've just butchered that. And I told myself over and over, I would listen to your pronunciation of it. So I didn't mess it up. And I dropped the ball, Adrian. I'm sorry. No, no, that's great. So I am more disturbed by the fact that you described the mountains as the snow area.
00:05:40
Speaker
Sorry, I forgot, you're from the snow area. Yeah, we're from the snow area. You can find me at Zach's basement a lot, actually. And also betsy.org. We do a show, King Penny Radio Hour there. That's an improvised, old time radio show. And I'm also in the Mad Librarians, which is an improvised kid show that tours around the state.
00:06:07
Speaker
Oh, cool. And last, but certainly not least, one of the original, original understudies, Jack Sulo. Jack, welcome back. Where would you like people to find you? The Tokyo Sector at Burning Man.
00:06:20
Speaker
Is that for real? Cause don't, don't play games. I don't know burning man well enough to know whether or not there's a Tokyo section or whether or not you'd be there. It is the Tokyo sector, James. Sector. Yes. I'm just, I'm in the thrust of getting a burning man camp together for next August through labor day. So that's what's on my mind, but jackzulo.com and weed and buds.
00:06:45
Speaker
Weed and butts. What do you intend to offer? Like, doesn't everyone have to sort of do something at Burning Man? If you're a theme camp, which we are, we are offering two nights of crafts and cocktails. So crafting and cocktails. We are going to have gifts such as stickers, necklaces with duck calls on them. And we're also going to be having the world's worst comedy show at our camp, which has been running since 2015 at Burning Man.
00:07:14
Speaker
I'm partnering up with the founder of it and we're gonna be hosting it this year. What is your Burning Man, you get a Burning Man name, right? You do, there's something called a Playa name, yes. And I avoided one for many years, although in 2022, I finally was labeled with a moth. And I actually really liked it.
00:07:36
Speaker
It has to have A, it has to have the article A in front of it. Yep. Okay, so I wouldn't just say, I wouldn't go, Moth, how you doing? I have to go, A, Moth, how are you doing? That is exactly how I would go. Okay, it's a little confusing. I will say putting an article in front of your name kind of sounds like talking about yourself in the third person, but okay.
00:07:55
Speaker
I didn't give it to me, someone else. Was the person who gave it to you the moth? The person who gave it to me was a strange British dude. Just a string. I don't even know what his playa name was. He just said, do you have a playa name? And that's kind of a silly question at Burning Man.
00:08:16
Speaker
um not something you would go around but i think it might have been his first burn or something like that and that was his thing that he was doing and he de-commodified one of my articles of gear and when he de-commodified it he took a marker to the
00:08:32
Speaker
the brand name, it turned into the label, a moth. And that became my, and I really liked it. I was weird. Just the whole idea of a moth. My moth is as beautiful as a frigging butterfly, but doesn't, doesn't get as much street cred because it's not as colorful and, but it's Johnny's south. Was that the brand? No, it was a, I forget. It was like a ski company. Okay.
00:08:54
Speaker
That was pretty good though, Armani South would be great. So here's the suggestion so that we, I mean, after that April Fool's joke, I don't want to say, but I almost feel like we could keep talking with this inspiration, but here's the actual suggestion.
Metaphors and Meanings
00:09:09
Speaker
Sunlight is the best disinfectant. I love that. A thought provoking phrase that I think could lead to some interesting discussions. Your biggest fan, Batman. Well, sunlight reminds me of the Burning Man Outdoor Festival, which I think Jack has more than he wants to say about.
00:09:24
Speaker
Don't get me started because the show will end and I'll be like, and that's why all of you guys should come to Burning Man this year. You'll never get me in a million years to go to Burning Man.
00:09:35
Speaker
Jack's been trying to get me to go to Burning Man for years, but let's honor sunlight is the best disinfectant. Yes. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. That just means, I mean, generally bringing the truth out. Yeah. The truth shall set you free basically. This is not the words spoken by someone who has ever worked in a hospital.
00:10:01
Speaker
I'm just going to say that as somebody who works in a hospital, you don't want to go. You never thought to yourself for literal disinfectants. Yeah. Put a little sunlight on that. Just, you know what, will that will that pus into the sunlight? Well, let's let's take that further. What is what is the best disinfectant?
00:10:22
Speaker
It has to be, it has to be a combination. And I want to say it's supposed to be, there is a number, like they literally, if they're looking at you, they'll come and look and see what percentage the alcohol is in it. And I want to say it's 83%.
00:10:39
Speaker
Something like that. But alcohol is the disinfectant. It's not just like it has to have something that is burning. And that's what the alcohol does. What is a disinfectant? Well, yeah, it basically like takes away the bacteria or viruses and things like that. And even the alcohol wipes aren't enough in some cases. It just depends on what it is. Some of them, they have to have bleach. They have to have some of them. You have to wear a glove just to actually wipe down the object. So.
00:11:08
Speaker
but it can never be more than a hundred percent alcohol, right? Right. Well, here's the thing. I mean, but at the same time I've had in that like I've had ever clear, isn't that like a hundred percent alcohol? That's 50 proof.
00:11:24
Speaker
Yeah. Well, 50 proof is 100% alcohol. No, all the way around. 200 proof is 100%. 50 proof is about 25% alcohol. Everclear is 180 proof. So pretty close, but not quite. I had a lot of Everclear in college, so I know.
00:11:41
Speaker
I had it one time. My dad used to tell me that Latinos used limes because limes was a natural disinfectant. That's why you could cook ceviche and limes that like, if there were limes on it, then you would be okay. But I mean, I used to get food poisoning on the regular. So we lived on the border.
00:12:02
Speaker
Well, because isn't it the thing about you're not supposed to drink the lemon in the water and the lime in the water and stuff because the server's hands are dirty and that's the one thing they never... You guys have not heard this before? Yeah, I've been a server so I know. There's a bacteria buildup on it. So if they serve you lemon or lime in your water, send it back. I'm reaching out, understudy.
Comedic Skits and Situations
00:12:31
Speaker
Hey, so I'm looking at your test results here and you have a rare form of bodily cancer. Bodily? Yes, full body cancer. Oh, yeah. Thankfully for you, I've been dabbling in a new strategic way of curing cancer.
00:12:54
Speaker
I'm, I'm really glad. It's just, I feel so healthy. I was just actually doing this as part of my insurance company. They said I had to. Yes. Well, if you take a look at these numbers here, you are definitely not. Okay. My glass. I guess I'm glad it came to you. Is there any way we could keep this on the quote unquote DL? Cause I have to, I'm trying to get a good budget on my shirt, my life insurance. Am I lying right here?
00:13:20
Speaker
Well, I've got some great news for you. Your insurance company is not going to ever find out about this because we've got a tanning bed right in the backyard and we're going to slide you in it and you're going to be cured in a matter of hours. Really? Yeah. All right. If you don't mind, I would like to call up my regular doctor and just, oh, you took my phone at the front. Yeah. Yes. No phones allowed.
00:13:47
Speaker
Shouldn't I get a second opinion if it's full bodily cancer? You know, second opinion is like a number two. It's just a big old turd. Hi, yes. I guess I'm supposed to disclose that I have the group on before I order my meal, but I have the group on.
00:14:14
Speaker
I'll have to talk to my manager, I suppose, but yeah, it looks like you just wrote Groupon in Sharpie on this piece of paper. Right. Well, I have my Groupon. That's my Groupon.
00:14:33
Speaker
Am I your first Groupon? Is there a celebration or something? I'm your first one. I mean, I don't care. The two for one margaritas. Can I put salt and lime on that for you? Yes, absolutely. Please. All right. I'll go get my manager. There's a lady here with a Groupon. I didn't even know that website was still working.
00:14:59
Speaker
What, Chad, what are you talking about? There's a lady over, did you see over table 15? Uh-huh. Yeah, with the hat. Yeah, she's waving at us. Yeah, hi. She says she has a group on. I was going to give her one of the margaritas. Okay, the two for one? Yeah, two for one. Okay, cool. Did you get your ship, did you get your ship covered for next Saturday?
00:15:20
Speaker
Well, I mean, you know, Kyle said that that if he doesn't get a get a ride to Burning Man, that that he would he'd be able to to covers if he doesn't get a ride to Burning Man, he would be able to cover your shift on Saturday, which you're also going to Burning Man. Yeah. OK, that doesn't check out, Chet. Chet, do you have a playa name?
00:15:43
Speaker
Yeah, it's Beemoth. Beemoth. Is that like an inspirational quote or? I don't think they're going to take that Groupon. Why do you say that?
00:16:02
Speaker
I don't know. I think they're calling the cops. I think they know that it's, I think they know it's, what do you call it? Counterfeit? Okay. Oh, all right. First of all, this is, first of all, they're not going to call the authorities for a Groupon. Please! Everybody on the ground right now! We heard there was a counterfeit Groupon in this establishment. Nobody move! Nobody move!
00:16:27
Speaker
It's her. She did it. I'm technically with her. Put your hands up. Put your hands up. You are the scum of the earth. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just wanted to use a Groupon. It was a bucket list. Okay. And I just want to say that I used a Groupon.
00:16:53
Speaker
Well, okay. It was a bucket list thing. Yes. I've been trying to be a little bit nicer to people who were doing bucket list stuff. Why didn't you say so? I didn't know I had to, I said at the beginning that I am going to declare I have a group on because I knew that's what you're supposed to do. I didn't know I had to tell it. She did. I was here. I saw that she declared it. Can I get up off the ground?
00:17:19
Speaker
I don't know. You get these people, they talk about a bucket list, but is it a high quality bucket list? I've been on this job too long to see just stupid bucket lists like eat two Big Macs in one sitting. What kind of a bucket list? He's got bodily cancer. All right. It has not been specified where in the body, but it's
00:17:44
Speaker
Sounds like it's the whole thing. Yeah, I've heard of that. It is. That sounds serious. So I made a bucket list for me. I wanted to do some stuff before he died. All right. Things we wanted to do as a couple. Claire, get the list out. Claire, get the list out.
Open Mic and Performances
00:18:00
Speaker
All right. Let's do this list. OK, here. Slowly, slowly. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just a little bit excited and dysregulated. Here is the list.
00:18:14
Speaker
Eat three hamburgers, it's better than two. That is a pretty bucket-y list. Well, number one was make a bucket list.
00:18:28
Speaker
All right. Welcome to Camp Tuna Pocket. And tonight we're having a open mic for all of those folks who want to come check it out. Free for everybody. Yep. Thank you. All right. So we have our first open mic. Whatever they want to do, honestly, it doesn't really matter. It's Camp Tuna Pocket. Give it up for Snake in the Sky.
00:18:57
Speaker
Hey man, yeah, so I write poetry just to get it off my chest, you know, so I'm going to just slam some of my poetry here at the tuna pocket. Sometimes when I fly.
00:19:14
Speaker
I don't know why, but I dry my eye of the tears that fall down my cheek. I'm not weak. I'm a man. And I'll slither on my belly if I can to get up and down and clown around and bring this party upside down. Can we have subtitles for him? I don't even understand what he's saying. Councillor Evans.
00:19:36
Speaker
Who is that? I've never seen, is that a counselor? I've never seen that man. Yes. He lives outside of the normal area by the lake. Yep. And we thought we would just try to reach out to our local. Why does he have that potato sack on his head?
00:19:55
Speaker
Well, he believed he referenced it in the poem that he did. So, you know, it's a part of who he is. We're working on the closed captions, by the way, Denise. I'm so sorry. I know it's hard for you to understand sometimes. Yeah. He covers up his mouth when he talks. And you know, by the way, there are no residences next to the lake. There's a lean to. I mean, there's a lean to, but I don't. Would you call a lean to something that you would live in?
00:20:24
Speaker
And he doesn't even have to cover his face. He's already wearing the potato bag, but he still puts both of his hands over the bag. Yeah. It's as if, it's as if he's afraid of his dentition. Like he doesn't want us to see. I don't want to scare anybody, but I'm half, I'm half thinking that he's the killer that we've been worried about all summer long.
00:20:49
Speaker
Now James, let's not jump to conclusions. I have not killed anyone in a very long time. There we go. In a very long time. I think we need to define very long because very long in what circumstance, like, you know, how long you've seen someone versus very long when you have to go to the bathroom and you've got a full bladder, that's a different kind of very long. So I'd like to know what his very long is.
00:21:12
Speaker
Right. Denise, we are, again, working on the bathroom situation. We understand that it is an issue for you. So we get that. But I think, yeah, let's define what a long time is. I agree with Denise. Is it a bit of piss length or longer? Oh, it's been 18 months since last I killed. 18 months. See?
00:21:55
Speaker
That sounds like a perfectly adequate amount
00:22:00
Speaker
fall out. I don't, I don't mean to be a buzzkill, but I was promised a tight 10 and this open mic feels like it's gone off the rails. I'm just going to go back. I drove all the way down from the Springs and I think it's pretty unprofessional. I was, I had, you know, I've been working on this, right? Yes. I'm so sorry about that. I'm sorry. We'd love to have you come on. It is an open mic. You've got a tight 10. Let's, can we have, can we just give, you know,
00:22:25
Speaker
All right. But my parents pay for me and go to this camp. This is like, am I at the wrong kind of camp? I heard camp and I. It's camp tuna pocket. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Go ahead. Our next performer. Here he is. Hey, hey there. Adolescence. Yeah. How's, how, what's, what's up with middle school? Right. Am I right? Am I right? He's right. He's right.
00:22:54
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. What kind of disinfection do they use in those places? Let me tell you what, they can they can stand to use some disinfection of the boys. All right. Yeah. Am I right? Hey, wait a minute. He's got a stethoscope poking out of his pocket. That's not a middle school kid. That's a doctor. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like sometimes you got to check for scoliosis. What's up with scoliosis?
00:23:19
Speaker
I think this guy's the doctor we've been talking about all summer. We've been trying to find the doctor. We've been trying to find both the doctor and the killer kids. This tuna pocket sounds actually kind of vulgar if you think about it.
00:23:40
Speaker
I went to camp as a kid, but the camp that I went to was YMCA camp. And we just got dropped off at six in the morning and picked up at like five o'clock at night. At the time, I hated it more than anything in the world. But now looking back, I look back very fondly on it.
00:23:59
Speaker
The problem was is it was hot as hell in the summer and they would just sit you outside baking in the sun. And on rainy days, you'd be inside and we'd be in this giant gymnasium of the YMCA and watch movies. And I guess I've always been an indoor cat in the sense that I liked indoor days way better than outdoor days. I was in a project.
Summer Camp Memories
00:24:21
Speaker
All right, well, I was in a like a two week summer program that was like a science program in the fifth and sixth grade. And we did outdoor trips to places on Long Island. But I guess the most memorable part about it, although I did have a great time, was our last weekend, we spent an overnight at a huge Gold Coast mansion on the North Shore of Long Island that had been donated to an art
00:24:47
Speaker
an art group compound but we were able to sleep over there in tents and i really got to spend a lot of time with my childhood crush, you know just talking and like watching this you know the sun go down and it's like one of my fondest memories of my childhood crush doing the overnight with that with katie comes to stay park.
00:25:07
Speaker
I think I mentioned before, um, I was a boy scout. I'm an Eagle scout and did a lot of camping. Um, but the one thing I remember most about our summer camps was all the pranking that happened. We had just some of the best Epic pranks. I wish I could say I had come up with some of them or even was a part of some of them, but a couple that I remember one was that, uh,
00:25:28
Speaker
someone took all of the dad's chairs because the dad's got to sit in chairs and none of the campers did. It's like a rule. It's like, you're an adult, you got a chair, right? You need a back. I get it now, but- That's the only way I'd show up, period. If you could tell me how to get a chair, I'm told.
00:25:44
Speaker
someone took all the dad's chairs, their adults chairs, and they put them on top of the lolly or latrine, the outhouse essentially. And like, I just don't even know how they got up there. Cause there's no ladders or anything. So I just pure ninja ingenuity, I guess. And then the other one was that we went into the mess hall one day and it was a huge mess hall.
00:26:04
Speaker
And someone had taken all of the tables from the mess hall and took them and stacked them in a perfect pyramid. And I mean, just a display of engineering feet. And they were like, couldn't eat because all the tables were stacked up. And I was like, geez, these pranks are amazing. I don't know why. I just was really impressed. But you never partook. No, I mean, I tried. I did crap pranks. I put like shaving cream in somebody's boots.
00:26:32
Speaker
I did it just going on the pranks, not from the camping part, but when I was in college, we randomly, and this was a long time ago, well before the internet, we decided we're going to start sending spam to a professor and we would just randomly send it. And we would actually then start enlisting other people to send it. And then we would have. I'm so sorry. I know that you probably made this clear. Are you saying before the internet because it was literal cans of spam or are you just saying?
00:27:01
Speaker
Yes, thank you for helping me clarify. That's what I mean. And so we would send cans of spam from all over the place. And then we would have somebody going to Japan. You know what? Send him this. Then we started figuring out like what hotels he was going to. We'd send him cans of spam. We had a letter from the Elvis, what is it? The
00:27:21
Speaker
Elvis where Elvis lives. Graceland. Graceland. Somebody had one cent from Graceland. We all did all of this. And then finally, when we graduated, we had a bunch of cans lined up all the way to us standing there going, oh my gosh. And what's really weird is now when you send something that nobody wants, it's called spamming someone. And I swear we had no idea. I think. I don't even know why they call it spam. Does anybody know why they call mail spamming Miranda? Yes, exactly. Cause I invented spam mail.
00:27:51
Speaker
Spamming people. Thank you. I also, I don't know if, like this is video game terminology, but you press a button over and over and over and over, they call it spamming it. Is that to do with spam mail? That you don't like, what is spamming? I guess I'll have to ask. I thought spam stood for something. Yeah, I thought it was like special something, I don't know. I don't know. Jake, can you come up with one? Yeah, special something, something, something. Okay, great, great.
00:28:24
Speaker
Hmm, original understudies. Yes. Yes, yes. It seems like one of the kids in this classroom left the Bunsen burners overnight lit.
Classroom Antics and Suspicions
00:28:41
Speaker
And now we're going to have to have class outside. So I hope you're happy. You guys don't look like you're too guilty. Nope.
00:28:53
Speaker
Okay, well, you're lucky today happens to be a beautiful day, but we're gonna be having class outside regardless, even if it's cold. This could be on the test. This specifically won't be on the test, but I'll tell you what, Brian, the test is gonna be outside when you do take it. Mr. Clarkson, did you do this? Me? Yeah, like, because I think you're the one who's excited about having class outside. Yeah, you just wanna go outside?
00:29:17
Speaker
First of all, I would not like to have class outside. If it was me, it would be because I thought they would cancel class, but that's not what happened. So I bet you one of you little brat kids getting ready for the real world thought we were gonna be getting to just stay home. It's interesting that your brain went straight to they would cancel class. It's almost as if you expected them to cancel class and who better to want to cancel class than the person who has to work.
00:29:47
Speaker
Listen, we've all gotten along this whole year really well, right? Like we don't need to make enemies of each other. Well, you gave me pears and you knew I was allergic to pears when I told you I was allergic to pears. Do you have any snacks? I like pears. Should we go outside? I think the gas is starting to affect my brain. No, okay. Let's all line up, but I want to make sure that we're all here before we leave the classroom. All right. Okay.
00:30:15
Speaker
And okay, we're here. Let's walk outside. Wait, hold on. You just looked at us and decided it was everybody. You didn't even say his names or say here. Do you know who we are? Of course I know who you are. You're my, you're my third period class. Okay. This is science. I'm going to have a whole bunch of people. I have to come back to this classroom all day long, each hour break to bring another class out. Why would we even need the Bunsen burners?
00:30:46
Speaker
Yeah. Well, it's good question. Your class isn't dealing with chemistry, but in different hours, this room is a chemistry classroom. Yours is geology. There it is. I said it. Okay. Brian's here. Sam is here. Seth is here. Carrie's here. Peter's here. Let's go. There's a whale in the corners here.
00:31:07
Speaker
I'm sorry. Well, it's just 12 hours of still gas really causing me to hallucinate quite a lot. Yeah, I'm having auditory hallucinations pretty bad right now. I'm pretty hungry. You have any snacks? Yeah, like pears. Like pears? It's a weird snack.
Graceland and Peanut Butter Mishaps
00:31:24
Speaker
It's a very strange snack and I have been told I'm not allowed to bring pears because someone in this room is allergic.
00:31:37
Speaker
You're the science teacher, right? Depends on who's asking. Well, I'm the principal and you're new here. Well, it depends on how new new is. I mean, am I the most recent teacher being hired this year? You know, you're new enough that I should know your name, but you're also new enough that I don't care. Oh, well, I know your name.
00:32:06
Speaker
Great Scott. Well, I've great Scott. Sure. You could call me by my first name, but principal shady is what my street name is. And I prefer to go by that. Oh, I didn't know that teachers got street names. I'm a principal. Teachers do not get street names, but principal.
00:32:28
Speaker
So I want to talk to you about the complaints I'm getting from the parents of the children in your class. Wait a second. I'm really new. There's no way that there could be enough time that these kids would have legitimate complaints. They do have- Mr. Shady. Yes. Principal Shady, I printed out those emails like you wanted to. Here you go. Great. And just, I need you to plug them in and start spamming them with all of the
00:32:53
Speaker
Chinese penny stock emails we talked about. You got it. You're the best. You want some more coffee? I want a bucket of it, sir. All right. Super sweet. Super creamy. I know, I know, I know, Principal Sadie. You say you know, but it's never sweet and it's never creamy enough. Well, it seems like everybody here really respects you. I can't wait to get to know you better. Well, this is how you got to do it.
00:33:22
Speaker
You're getting into it with your kids. They're literally steamrolling you. Well, I didn't want to say anything because I don't want to look like a bad teacher, but... Well, you don't look like a bad teacher. You are a bad teacher. Okay. Well, you don't know the half of it. I burnt out my classroom on accident, so I've been holding all my classes outside. Well, okay. Now we're getting this all out into the light. Now we could see if we get it disinfected. So...
00:33:50
Speaker
How do you think you could basically whip these kids into shape? The truth is, I think bribing them. I think if we just pool our money together. I can't get this off of my hands. I mean, I just can't. This is not coming off of my hands. Have you tried scrubbing it?
00:34:20
Speaker
That's a stupid question. Of course you tried. Okay. I think we can agree that it's, and you know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is on me. I shouldn't be short with you. I know that you are not quick on the uptake, but I cannot get this off of, what?
Elvis Sandwich Mystery
00:34:34
Speaker
I'm trying to help right now. Just sliding in with a little deep insult. I know it's just because I can't get this off of my hands.
00:34:43
Speaker
Graceland will be closing in 10 minutes. Please start making your way to the exit. Graceland will be closing in 10 minutes. Yeah. It's closing at 10 minutes. I got you. So good, mom. That's Elvis's peanut butter all over your hands. Okay. You know what? But I see we are probably going to have to pay for something. I should have told you.
00:35:04
Speaker
When I said, I mean, you can't what? You can't drive home with peanut butter all over your hands. It's so funny, right dad though? It's so funny that mom can't get the peanut butter off her hands. That's Elvis's peanut butter by the way. You were causing the disillusion of our marriage. Yes. It is happening in real time. Okay. In this moment. Okay. I'm sorry to interrupt you guys, but somebody has touched a lot of our vintage Elvis sequin suits.
00:35:33
Speaker
and got peanut butter all over them. And I'd like to check everybody's hands before you leave. Can you take your hands out from behind your back? I absolutely can. Oh my, this is peanut butter. You got peanut butter fingers. You're going to, you're going to have to pay for this $3,200 suit. $3,200. That's nothing.
00:35:59
Speaker
It is something. I make $32,000 a year. If you do the math. Well, you're a teacher. That's the dumb that they play teacher so little. I don't disagree with that. Right. But I don't need to buy an Elvis suit right now. We got one now. I'm going to wear it to my wedding. OK, honey. First of all.
00:36:20
Speaker
I think the truth of the matter is no one's ever going to marry you. The second thing is what? Here's the thing. You never listen. You never, you're just like your father. You never listen. You are really throwing shade at everyone right now.
00:36:37
Speaker
I folded this up. It's all in this box here. I'm just going to need a card to run for $3,200. I'm sorry, sir. Are you trying to do an Elvis impression right now or is that your natural voice? We need subtitles. Are you kidding? I can't understand what you're saying.
00:36:55
Speaker
I am going to take this card and you're going to talk to my manager because this is not an impersonation. This is what people from Graceland sound like. It's a Graceland accent. It's a Graceland accent? This is a Graceland accent, okay? Graceland is like less than a mile wide. It has its own accent. Well, what do you mean there? They don't think you're not talking about an accent.
00:37:25
Speaker
Uh, they're telling me that, that, uh, that Graceland is too small to have an accent. What the hell they're talking about. What do they know? They don't know. They know about the Graceland. This is how we talk. That's what I thought. There's a person in it at all. Hey guys. Exactly. I'm going to make, I'm going to make another pot of coffee. Does anyone want some? Oh, I love some coffee. That sounds real nice. I'll have some coffee too. And I'm going to be prepping up some peanut butter banana sandwiches.
00:37:53
Speaker
Oh, that reminds me. Somebody's got to run this card for $3,200. Oh, and there's still a family in that can't leave because they got peanut butter all over a sequence. They got peanut butter all over the sequence? They got peanut butter all over the sequence. Oh, my. Oh, regional understudies.
00:38:23
Speaker
I've always been curious about the Elvis sandwich, husking out an entire loaf of bread, filling it with the, what is it, peanut butter and bananas and... Oh, I didn't realize he husked out the loaf of bread. I thought he just put peanut butter, bananas and bacon on it. Nah, it's a whole loaf of bread, but it's like Subway style. He got rid of the middle part of it.
00:38:43
Speaker
So he was the first to do a low carb sandwich. That's right. Except there's carbs and peanut butter. That's why you got the bread. That's why you take the bread out of the bread to get a low carb sandwich. Who told you that? I mean, first of all, it's fucking science, guys.
00:39:04
Speaker
And if you're telling me that there is, if you're telling me that there are carbs and bread, and if you rip the bread out of the center, that is a lower carb and bread sandwich. That's less bread. That's subtraction. Exactly. Lower carbs. Okay. What are the most? I'm sorry. And if we eat half of it, it's even less. Yeah.
00:39:25
Speaker
There was a very profound radio lab where they talked about Elvis Presley's been like was less than 60 years ago that he was on this planet and nobody can agree on the recipe for his sandwich, even though we know like there are people that were there, there are people that like made these sandwiches for him. And then they related that to the fact that people are like 100% sure that the Bible was accurately transcribed.
00:39:53
Speaker
I always think about Elvis and sandwiches when I'm reading the Bible. Well, the thing about the thing about a recipe, especially if you're a dude like Elvis, is like you're just you're just like stress and shame eating that much food. You're just slapping it together, you know, or you're getting someone to slap it together. So there probably was no like definitive recipe except like I want more bacon today, you know, or or there's not enough banana.
00:40:23
Speaker
You know what? Recently I have found a recipe for peanut butter and jellies for myself. And I don't know if it's laziness or if it's actually better. Like I think it is. I put peanut butter on one side of the bread. Uh, and then I just put a spoon, a whole bunch of jelly on top of the peanut butter of spread. And then I just put the bread on top of it. That's fine. And I find that that's the like, anytime I try to spread that jelly out, there's never going to be enough jelly anyways.
00:40:51
Speaker
That's absolutely. That's blasphemous. Yes. Well, hear me out. Hear me out, because then when you bite into it, there's so much jelly that it drips onto the plate, but it becomes like a dip that you can swish your... Wait, James, were you found making PB&J too laborious?
00:41:06
Speaker
to do each side? Well, I think you missed the part Shaq was talking about is when you are shame-burly eating in the middle of the night. If I go for a peanut butter and jelly at 11 o'clock at night, it's not because I'm thinking about being healthy. And it's not because you're even hungry. And it's not because you're looking for low carbs. I can't tear out the center of that bread because it's what holds the jelly in.
00:41:39
Speaker
Thank you all for coming here this fine Sunday morning.
Elvis-themed Church Service
00:41:45
Speaker
Today I'll be reading the book of Numbers. Laman. Laman. And lo, on that 13th day, Joseph did awaken. And like Elvis himself thrust his hips forward,
00:42:04
Speaker
Gyrating circularly onto Mary. Excuse me, Father. There's a couple of problems that my family's having with this. First, and most importantly, there's no way that Elvis is mentioned in the Bible. Can you double check that numbers in there? He's not literally mentioned in the Bible, but don't you just sort of feel him?
00:42:31
Speaker
Whenever I'm talking about the Bible, don't you get Elvis vibes? Lord knows I do. Especially when you read it, but it's because you reference it a lot. I don't know. Sorry, my bad. I don't mean to disrupt our religious gathering. No, it's all right. We can take a time out in church every now and then. All right. Now, if you'll allow me to get back to it from the book of Numbers. And so into that tiny little hovel
00:43:01
Speaker
was born a great man. And his name was Jesus. It was Jesus. No fake out there. It was Jesus. And yet Jesus was visited. Yes. Not a, I didn't think it was a hovel. That was a manger thought that was like kind of short, kind of like. Yeah. If you read it by the letter, it's a manger, but just like picture it. Don't you get hovel vibes?
00:43:30
Speaker
When I hear you say hovel, I think lean to. And when I think lean to, I think of all those awful murders up at that camp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the murders up at the camp. Yeah, yeah. Now we're all thinking that. We're thinking, okay, great. What is the Bible vibe in me? I'm thinking about murders at a camp. I'm thinking about Elvis Presley. We're all thinking about different stuff and we're connecting with the words. Like young hot Elvis or like kind of fat 1970s Elvis.
00:43:58
Speaker
Well, I was about to talk about a little man named Jesus. And so let's picture a young lies Elvis. I'm picturing a baby Elvis with a big swoop in his hair anyways. Is that okay? That's fun. I like it. Father is baby Elvis gyrating on Mary. Is that kind of what we're supposed to be? No baby Elvis's father who was also Elvis was the one gyrating onto Mary. Oh.
00:44:26
Speaker
And Mary was born immaculately by the Lord gyrating unto Sky itself. Mary was born? The Immaculate Conceptions. Yeah, that's Mary. Father, this might be completely unrelated, but I've been telling my kid that I want his bedroom immaculate before he's allowed to go out with his friends. Have I been misusing that word? My son.
00:44:56
Speaker
You're right. It's completely unrelated to what we're talking about. OK, that's fair, but could you help me out? Because I've been using that word immaculate a lot. It was spotless? I want this house. OK. What can you say? Like, just disinfect? Is that the same word? Yeah, just squeeze some limes on that. Well, I'll be honest. When I ask my little Todd to disinfect stuff, he doesn't clean it. He just sprays Febreze on top of things, and it's still nasty.
00:45:26
Speaker
Okay, let's end the time out. Go back to church. Are we all learning? Do we feel like we're connecting with the word a little bit more? I want to be kind of the fun church leader.
00:45:45
Speaker
I don't want to complain, but when I get my lunch here, I expect to fill up.
Construction Workers and Carb Talk
00:45:52
Speaker
And it seems as if somebody at this establishment has scooped out all the good parts of my sandwich and I got this little crusty thing left behind. I'm a construction worker. Sir, you asked for a low carb sandwich.
00:46:07
Speaker
Did we not deliver a low carb sandwich? I don't know. I mean, you came in here talking about washing your weight. Didn't want to end up like Elvis. Didn't want to die alone on a toilet. And you asked for a low carb sandwich and we delivered. Did we not?
00:46:22
Speaker
Yeah, but I thought that just because it was low carbs doesn't mean it was gonna have low everything else too, okay? I'm hungry still. I'm still really hungry and I gotta go back to work. If I show up there and get hangry, I'm gonna lose my job. Okay, sir, this is a Jersey Mike's, okay? We don't necessarily need to fulfill anybody's needs of their job. Our job is to give you the sandwich that you asked for. You asked for a low carb sandwich with extra bacon today.
00:46:57
Speaker
Hey, buddy, we're all hanging up here 80 stories high on a steel beam. You can't go getting hangry on us. Yeah, it was a big idea. Yeah, yeah, you're an idiot, man. Yeah, that's right. We all think you're a total jackass.
00:47:12
Speaker
I just can't, I'm just upset. Like I feel dizzy because I haven't gotten enough. I guess it's carbs. I guess that's what my body runs on. I don't want you getting upset in front of my nanny. I bring my nanny here so that we can work in a nice environment. Like when we're building stuff, we can sing songs and stuff. And the game you are. 80 stories up, we're singing stories and you're just bringing it all down with your hanging talk. I'm sorry, I interrupted you. I interrupted you, nanny.
00:47:40
Speaker
No, I was just going to say you didn't make some stupid mistake by ordering like a low carb sandwich or something, did you? Actually, that's exactly what mistake I made. Oh, come on, guys. Come on, guys. It's not my fault. It's hip. Everybody's ordering low carb. I just wanted to sound cool online. There was a really, there was a really cute lady behind me.
00:48:04
Speaker
All right, I want you to define carbs. I'm going to point to something and you tell me if you think it's a carb. What about this? Yeah, that's a carb. It's a chair. That is a chair. I'm pointing to a chair. You think it's a chair? It's a chair on a girder, 80 stories in the air. That's right. Well, I figure it's either 50-50, it's either a carb or it's not, right? All right, well, I'm going to point to this. What do you think? Is this a carb or is it not?
00:48:32
Speaker
Well, it's a spoonful of sugar, so I guess it is a... Yeah, that's true. That is a carbohydrate. I'm gonna go with no. Oh, look who's back. Okay. Well, I see today we have a Groupon.
00:48:51
Speaker
Yes, yeah, I brought a Groupon and I know it's been supposed to disclose first, I have a Groupon. Okay, that's great. It's a Jersey Mike's. It's never been even a Groupon option. It's a pretty affordable sandwich. I wanted to be able to say that I used a Groupon.
00:49:18
Speaker
You did. You did. You said you proclaimed it pretty loudly. Yeah. As a matter of fact. Excuse me. There's a really long line and we all got to pick up our sandwiches and go back to work and they all work on a high rise. Okay. You wouldn't like us when we're all hangry. I have the full bodily cancer and we're trying to get through our bucket list. So please don't mess this up.
00:49:41
Speaker
This is a bucket list for you? Yes, it was a bucket list. It was the Groupon. It was the going up on a high rise, coming down and getting a Jersey Mike's. Here, I have a, I have a gosh, Don coupon. Just take my coupon.
00:50:04
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post audio engineer and sound designer, Trifocalio, and our incredible Patreon members who support me financially as I create this podcast. If you're interested in becoming a Patreon subscriber, go to patreon.com slash Original Understudies. Original Understudies.