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Original Understudies - EP 86 - We Have No Suggestions!
141 Plays1 year ago
This week we did not have a suggestion. PLEASE SEND US SUGGESTIONS THAT WE CAN USE TO INNSPIRE THE SHOW!!!
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
You could also send a suggestion to
OriginalUnderstudiesPodcast@gmail.com
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Amey Goerlich - Chaosbloom.com
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Chad Reinhart - @ChadReinhart
Jake Regal @JakeRegal
Landon Kirksey LandonKirksey.com
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Transcript
Creative Audience Suggestions
00:00:09
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of original understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you. Well, usually using your suggestions, but the truth is I don't have any suggestions. There was a couple, but they weren't good enough. I'm not going to be able to get any inspiration from that stuff. So make sure that you're sending in really creative suggestions so that we can actually improvise.
00:00:33
Speaker
That said, let's introduce the understudies today.
Introductions and Socials
00:00:37
Speaker
Jake Riegel, welcome back. Thanks for joining. Thanks for having me. Bad vibes right off the bat. I don't mean to alienate people, but people know if they're putting suggestions out. We've said pineapple is a bad one. That should be enough information to give them a heads up on what kinds of suggestions we're looking for. Right. I guess that's fair enough. I'm Jake Riegel at Jake Riegel. Yeah, don't send me the hate mail.
00:01:02
Speaker
And we have Amy Gerlick. Amy, welcome back. Where would you like people to find you? You can find me in Denver at my theater, Chaos Bloom Theater. And Landon Kirksey, welcome back. Oh, thanks, James. It's good to be here. You can find me on the Instagram, SpLandon, and LandonKirksey.com, and Johnny Marfa and the lights.
00:01:26
Speaker
Nice. And finally, Chad Reinhardt. Welcome back. Where would you like people to find you this time, Chad? Uh-oh. Did we lose Chad? Oh, hey. I'm in a janitor's closet at the Trader Joe's across the street from the Culver City Honda dealer. Oh, and at Chad Reinhardt on instant grant. That looks like a giant bomb. Is that what you're doing there?
00:01:58
Speaker
I'll take it as it is. So we don't have a suggestion today. I don't know what you guys want to talk about, but let's, what's going on?
00:02:12
Speaker
Not too much.
Nostalgic Cartoon and Arcade Memories
00:02:14
Speaker
When Jake said bad vibes, do you guys remember the cartoon cops from the late 80s, early 90s? I do. There was a character called Inductor Bad Vibes, and I'm pretty sure that was his voice. So that's the first thing I thought of. I had toys from that show.
00:02:34
Speaker
Are you sure they weren't toys from the Police Academy cartoon? No, no, I'm not. And now that you're mentioning that. I didn't know they had toys from that. I think they were Police Academy toys now that you're talking about it, but it is also kind of messed up that there were toys from Police Academy even. Because there was that Police Academy cartoon. Well, Police Academy was an awesome cartoon. It was. Whereas I think, and I don't really remember the cops cartoon, Chad, but it sounds like propaganda to me.
00:03:01
Speaker
I remember specifically, there was one where it was, they were talking about this drug that if they put them on their skin, then they would like, their face would melt off. And one of the bad guys fell into an entire crate of this and his just like, and then afterwards. I think you're thinking of Batman. Yeah. I could be, that's, yeah. Do you remember the arcade game, NARC?
00:03:30
Speaker
There was a midway arcade game and it was in the height of the don't use drugs era, the presidential seal of like, hey, Nancy Reagan says don't use drugs. And, but all the levels were based, the boss of each level is based on a different drug. So like the first level is like the marijuana guy.
00:03:48
Speaker
No, that's the third level. Cause I remember really well. It doesn't hold up. You literally the narcs go in. It's level three. You're going through like a, like a grow shop with tie dye and peace symbols everywhere. And you're just blowing them all away. Rocket launchers.
00:04:04
Speaker
If we just level three, what's level one like caffeine? I do remember the the PCP guy chases you on a bridge and you're in cars and you're like you're like shotgunning him and he will not stop. He continues to sound awesome.
00:04:24
Speaker
Did you guys ever go to the dare dances? Remember, our schools would sponsor those dare dances? I don't think we had dare dances. Really? I don't think so. I might be older than everybody here. We definitely had the dare program, but we didn't have dare dances. Yeah, and junior high, we had them, and we'd get all fucked up and go. Oh, reaching out on this, that is, yes and no.
00:05:00
Speaker
I don't know. I don't have a GPS signal. I feel like there should be a road here. So I just go straight? I mean, your guess is as good as mine.
00:05:09
Speaker
Well, you're the navigator, man. I lost GPS. What do you want me to do? Make it up?
Lost Without GPS Adventure
00:05:14
Speaker
I have nothing on my phone right now. You tell me, Rory. I'm just a driver. Can you please just tell me which way to go? Let me see. Maybe I just put my phone out the window for a second. Just pull over for a second. I can't pull over, Rory. If I pull over, I'm going to lose it. Are we going to miss the wedding? Oh, look, look. There's a guy on a horse up there. Pull over, Greg. Pull the fuck over.
00:05:38
Speaker
Howdy. Oh, thank God. Whoa, whoa, Bess, whoa. We're a little bit lost. We're in town for a wedding. Oh, you're not in town. You're nowhere near town, strangers. Rory, don't say that. We actually know where we're going. Rory, that guy's going to mug us. He's not going to mug us, Greg. He's on a horse. I'm sorry, sir. My friend is stressing out because we're late for a wedding.
00:06:07
Speaker
Where exactly are you looking for? The address is 39 West Longgrass Lane. 39 West. I know exactly where that is. Okay. I don't see Longgrass Lane. How do I explain it? Let me just hitch my horse in front of your car here and we'll get you there.
00:06:29
Speaker
Wait, what the fuck are you doing? What do you want me to do? We're lost. He's going to that house and he's going to kill everybody, Rory. He's being super friendly, Greg. I'm gonna... Oh, my God. I have to... Oh, my God. Here we go. Oh, my God. Let's go. You just ran over that guy. You just ran over that guy. What the hell? He was gonna fucking kill us, Rory. No, he was gonna pull us to town, Greg. Okay, okay, okay. Just keep going. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm dragging something.
00:06:58
Speaker
He's got a pullover wait is that a horse or a body? I don't know. I don't know fine Rory fine
00:07:06
Speaker
Go in the back and cut it. All right. All right. We're so fast. No, it was self-defense. You saw it. I can't cut this rope. I need a knife for a lighter or something. I'll use my teeth. Oh, my God. We're going to go to jail. I got a pocket knife. Step back. What the hell are you doing? Cutting the horse off, Rory. What does it look like?
00:07:29
Speaker
Cut the broke rag, not the neck. What the hell difference does it make? The horse is dead, Rory. It's a fucking dead horse. You're making a mess and you will never get through it. It must be real easy up there on your high horse telling me how to do things. But when I asked for simple directions, when I am driving, you couldn't help but save our lives if it mattered. I do not have a signal. Well, you can't turn around now and tell me how to get rid of a horse.
00:08:03
Speaker
Baby, can we talk? Yeah, of course. I don't know how to say this and I'm just going to get it out. Just say your feelings. Say what's on your mind. I think I cheated on you. You think you cheated on me?
00:08:27
Speaker
Yeah, so I'm practicing. Could you just say what's on your mind, Mark? Just say it. Yeah, so a ghost came into our bedroom and I think I had sex with it.
00:08:41
Speaker
What? I'm not sure. What do you mean you are not sure? Well, you know, the window was open. Get to it. What are you talking about? You know how we've been trying to leave the window open? Because like you've been saying. Yeah, I know. It's a heat wave. It's like 105 outside. Yeah.
00:09:03
Speaker
Well, you know, that does not give you cause to just ghostly sex with anything that wafts into this apartment, Mark. OK, so I'm I'm sensing anger from you. And if anger was not what you were feeling and I mislabeled that, then I'm sorry. No, you were right. It was anger. That was you were right.
00:09:25
Speaker
Okay. And I want you to know that it's okay that you feel anger at me. But when you feel anger... Oh, it's okay for you to have sex with a ghost? Well, I'm not sure if I had sex with a ghost.
00:09:39
Speaker
How are you not sure? I'm not sure. Is this like New Orleans? It's not like New Orleans. That was a werewolf and obviously you cannot confuse the two. I do not confuse the two because you had sex, you thought you had sex with both of these things.
00:09:56
Speaker
Well, I didn't know if it counts if it's a werewolf and I don't know if it counts if it's a ghost. I don't know if it counts either, Mark, but I do know I'm angry. Close the fucking window. Oh, it's so hot.
00:10:18
Speaker
I'm concerned that this suntan lotion the hotel's giving us is actually trying to cook us. What do you mean? It is the greatest suntan oil that you could ever wear.
00:10:30
Speaker
I know that we just met, but I feel like I can trust you. I probably sound crazy, but I feel like, I don't know, like somebody wants to eat me here. You are in Transylvania. I assure you that this suntan oil is just to make you golden crispy brown like bacon sizzling in pan.
Transylvanian Paranoia and Humor
00:10:53
Speaker
Yeah, you're probably right. I just don't understand why I'm the only one that ever goes out in the back and tans. Everybody else just sits inside staring at me. Why don't you come outside with me today? Let's get a suntan together. No, no, no, no, no. I have to stay inside and check books. Spring break will be over before I know it.
00:11:16
Speaker
I forgot. You're studying for exams. You seem a little old for college. Well. But what of? But you know, sometimes it's good to stimulate the brain. Yes. Don't let me stop you. Get out there and get your blood pumping.
00:11:33
Speaker
All right, do you mind putting some of that suntan lotion on my back before I go out? Do I mind? Sir, I was afraid you'd never ask, hear you. Ooh, it's cold. Okay, okay, okay.
00:11:49
Speaker
Oh, hey, I see you're putting sun dead lotion on him. Would you like this paprika to throw up? It helps with the skin. Oh, I don't think I need that. That seems unnecessary. Thank you. Oh, yes, yes, paprika. Thank you. What was that? Did you see that? Oh, him? He is my friend, but he's a bit of a twerker. A twerker? Yes, he twerks.
00:12:18
Speaker
Oh, I guess that makes sense. Okay, I think I'm good on suntan lotion. No, no, no, no, no. I'm almost done. I'm really getting a good layer on. I just love the smell of suntan lotion. It feels a bit awkward. Your mouth is so close to my neck. It's making my hair rise. Oh, you smell so good. You smell like coconut banana.
00:12:43
Speaker
It's a little uncomfortable, to be honest, and it smells a little strange since the paprika was put on. I think that's the lotion. It certainly isn't the paprika. No, no. Did you know paprika is the only dried red pepper? I had no idea. Yes, it's bell pepper, just dried. That can't be true. This is true. In Transylvania, we do very much reading, unlike you Americans.
00:13:08
Speaker
Okay, well, please stop rubbing my shoulders. I'm good. Okay, I will stop. You are a party pooper. Sorry, I've only got a couple days left to buy vacation, so I'm gonna try to enjoy it while I can get out. I wish there was more people out on the beach. It's lonely out there. Hey, but I've got a stick of butter. When you go outside, just put it on your chest.
00:13:32
Speaker
I guess, but what's that gonna do? It's going to melt all over you and slather you up with butter.
00:13:55
Speaker
There was a guy, I was a, I was a pool dude. Well, I was a pool boy. Let's be honest at this, he tried to, you know, you tried to, what'd you just try to do? Did you just try to upgrade to pool dude? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, sure. I was in my late twenties. So pool dude, before I was a pool man. Uh, anyway, pool boy.
00:14:15
Speaker
And there was this dude that would, he didn't never stayed at the hotel, but for some reason he was grandfathered in this Italian dude that would just put olive oil on his skin and he would bring like a pitcher of bloody Maria's and just bake there all day.
00:14:35
Speaker
He smelled delicious. I love Bloody Maria's. I didn't even know that was possible until maybe like 10 years ago now. I'm getting older and older, but I thought it was just Bloody Mary's. Bloody Maria's have so much more flavor. What is it about tequila? It's tequila. Oh, I see. It's the only way I can drink tequila and not get hung over. Interesting. Well, that's not true. I can't drink margaritas. I can't drink margaritas. They make me sick. It's the sugar. Yeah.
00:15:05
Speaker
I can't deal with places that have too many accoutrements on their Bloody Marys. Like they gave you a whole hamburger up there or like 18 onion rings, stuff like that. It's just overwhelming to me. We have like brunch places here in Denver that have Bloody Mary bars. So you can go up and you can pick the things to put in there. I'll just put in like a handful of bacon. Exactly.
00:15:32
Speaker
I mean, there doesn't really need to be that much liquid as long as you get your shot of booze and enough to make it wet, like just make it, it's like a soup of sorts. Your booze starts drying. The booze starts drying. Yeah, you gotta make it wet. You gotta make that booze wet. It's a vodka gazpacho.
00:16:05
Speaker
Mr. Williamson, you're here to defend yourself against the charges of reckless driving. Yes. We've also got some bonus charges we'll be throwing at you throughout the afternoon. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, you've been accused of several other crimes by several other people. We're going to go ahead and sprinkle those in throughout the proceedings this afternoon. Is that normal?
00:16:31
Speaker
Your honor, I'd like to point out that the defendant here has decided that he wanted to represent himself. And I, for one, appreciate that. It takes a lot of courage to not put another burden upon the state. Yes, I agree. It's very courageous to endure the grueling legal attacks you will face this afternoon without proper representation. Will the state please begin?
00:16:55
Speaker
with pleasure. We're going to start off with the first bonus charge. Simple. No registration or license of the plates. The officers did not want to deal with the paperwork at the time. And I'd like to give him a quick opportunity to explain himself. Good charge. Good charge. How would you like to plead to that first bonus charge? You guys know about that, huh? Maybe I thought I didn't need it. All right. The court inputs a plea of maybe I thought I didn't need it. Thank you, Judge.
00:17:25
Speaker
Can we get back to the reckless driving? Because I prepared a lot on the reckless driving. Okay, I've got all these notes and I've got witnesses. Your Honor, we're gonna get this reckless driving thing very soon, but I'd also like for this little surprise, bonus charge, if I may, we found human body fluids in the trunk. We're not exactly sure what they're from, but it's clearly not a good sign. Okay, and is there a particular charge?
00:17:54
Speaker
Well, we've got a charge that we're thinking, but we want to hear if he tries to explain it first. All right, that's fun. Good charge. Good charge. You're going to allow that, Judge? You're going to allow that. I mean, what kind of body fluids are we talking about here? I'm going to see where this goes. What kind of body fluids? The state would like to keep back what the body fluids we found to see what kind of excuse he has first.
00:18:18
Speaker
You understood? Yeah, we're going to toss a couple more live grenades into this court metaphorically. Metaphorically, Mr. Williamson.
Unexpected Courtroom Drama
00:18:27
Speaker
Well, those were my body fluids. They were my body fluids, Your Honor.
00:18:35
Speaker
Well, that was exciting. I've got to say that was an excellent defense. I got to give props where they're due. Well, if ended to the charge of there being fluids in a car, what are you going to say about that? Mr. Prosecutor? Yes, it is time for counter. Well, honestly, we hadn't anticipated that answer. So it kind of just blows a lot out of my, uh, well, what I thought was maybe he had killed somebody in there, but it, but if it's his blood, it's his blood.
00:19:04
Speaker
He hadn't even said blood up until that point. So I wasn't sure what was going on. Me neither. Yeah, me neither. My bad. I'm a terrible lawyer. He looked out this time, but go ahead. Let's hold up the dignity of the court. We're all doing our best here, okay? We've had some great surprise offerings of crimes and some great defenses. We're all doing an awesome job. Awesome job. Awesome job.
00:19:38
Speaker
I need somebody to clear the spirits in this new apartment I've moved into, and you were the best advertisement I saw on Facebook, so I was wondering if, well, how much it's gonna cost me. Like, if there's no spirits, do I even have to pay? Oh, yes. You need to prepay. Okay, but what if there's like no spirits in there? Like, I feel like maybe there should be a price for no spirits.
00:20:06
Speaker
Oh, the spirits only respond to credit card numbers. Please first put your social security number and all of your information. All right. I just feel like being in person would be better. This is a Zoom call, like spiritual cleansing and I don't know. Oh, I'm hearing the spirits say they're actually Gen Z. So they prefer Zoom.
00:20:35
Speaker
All right. Well, I've entered my credit card info. Oh, lovely. You are definitely haunted. I mean, I mean, let's, let's see what we have here. Perfect. I just activated some sage into your home. This will cleanse your spirits. Virtual sage. Yes. Virtual sage. Now, if you could just click the little smiley face emoji, this will enact some positive energy into the room.
00:21:06
Speaker
Uh, all right, I clicked it, but I don't feel any different. No, you should be feeling both the sage and the aura lightning. No, nothing. Am I doing something wrong? Hmm, I think you have weak wifi. I just moved into this place. It's whatever was set up here already. Well, weak wifi, I can't do much more.
00:21:34
Speaker
So am I haunted? Did we clear the spirits? It's hard to tell. We may have just upset the spirits. You will have to schedule another Zoom session once you get better internet signal. But you already charged my card 500 bucks. I will. Follow up session will be much cheaper. There's a 20% discount for secondary. Goodbye. Goodbye. Wait. Wait.
00:22:09
Speaker
What was that? Huh? Oh my God. There's someone in this rental cars trunk. Oh, okay. Okay. I'm pulling over. Shit. I'm pulling over.
Mystery of the Trunk
00:22:21
Speaker
Is it the horse in the trunk? Greg, the horse is long gone. You cut its fucking head off and we drove away. I don't know, Rory. Maybe it snuck in the trunk when we were getting back in the car.
00:22:32
Speaker
I can't find the handle. Can you pop it with the clicker? Wait, wait, Rory? Yeah, I was just thinking it too. We should cover our faces in case this person heard what we did. Why don't we just cut our faces off?
00:22:47
Speaker
Cut our faces off? Oh yeah, that's crazy. You just ran over a horse. You ran over a horse. You were driving, Greg. I was following your crazy directions. Just cover our faces with our hands, okay? Wait, Rory, what if we pop that trunk and it's us? What? What if we open it and it's us, huh? What will we do? Can you live with that? I don't know.
00:23:15
Speaker
I guess not. Is that even possible? Of course it's possible. Out here in Redneck Landship, that happens all the time. Bigfoots, Chupacabras, doppelgangers. Okay, let's just push the whole car off into the ravine. And just kill whoever's in there? What if it's me, Rory? What if it's me? I... But you're you, Greg. I don't know.
00:23:44
Speaker
Have I been acting like me? No. No, I guess you haven't. Then it probably is me. Then what do we do? Let's just get to the wedding and figure it out then.
00:24:11
Speaker
I've been in a trunk. Yep. Same. Oh, same. That's exciting. I did it as part of like a short film. So it barely counts as being in one, but I did get put in the trunk and then production, it being like a student film that I did when I was fresh out of college myself, they just kind of forgot about me cause they were setting up. So I sat in the trunk for like, yeah, exactly. For like, I don't know, 45 minutes. And it did start to make me go literally insane just sitting in there. I wasn't moving, but it was, it was overwhelming. What kind of car are we talking about, Jake?
00:24:43
Speaker
Yes, this was very recently because I was just out of college, so I of course remember. I'm just trying to gauge the size of the trunk. I believe it was a Hummer H2. Oh, that's a pretty big ass trunk. It was not, it was not.
00:25:06
Speaker
Uh, the one that the time that I was in a trunk, I was with my cousins and all of like their buddies. They're like, that they went to Catholic school with. I was the youngest and I literally, there were eight people in a Ford Taurus, four in front, four in the back. They didn't have room for me. So I was in the trunk and it was like,
00:25:28
Speaker
Thanksgiving or first week of December or something. And they were all like loud as hell, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then there was like, they slid on the road because it was icy in Kansas City and the whole thing was silent. And so this is like 94, 95. And like right when South Park came out and I was like, that wasn't very cool guys. And so I got a, got a huge pop, huge pop.
00:25:58
Speaker
I used to do like super dangerous stuff. Um, with my little brother, like we in New Hampshire, we would like tie, like him and his little friends would like get on a, uh, inner tube and we would like tie a rope around it and then tied to the back of my car. And I would just like, I would just drive.
00:26:19
Speaker
around the neighborhood. And like, you know, there would be moments where he would just like, him and his friends would just like slide up into the car. And just like, I just think these days, like the crazy shit and like other times when I didn't have my license, my little brother and I would go enjoy rides with like whatever excess car was in my parents driveway. And like, I would like, I ran through like offenses, I hit trees, like all this stuff. And my little brother would always like keep it a secret. And then I remember
00:26:48
Speaker
I think it was like, I was like 17. I was about to leave for college. My brother got really mad at me one night and he just unloaded and told my parents like all of this stuff from like years ago. And it was like, he thought he was like, it was just gonna destroy me. And my mom's like, well, you know, it was years ago. And he was just so pissed that he held on to those things. He could have ruined your life little by little, but instead, damn it. Dumb.
00:27:19
Speaker
When I was in high school, it was my junior year, and my friend had a station wagon where the back seats pointed out the back window.
00:27:29
Speaker
And I was smoking a joint with my at-time girlfriend and we were passing it all around the car. Probably shouldn't have been doing that. Honestly, in retrospect, bad idea. But then behind me, my dad starts honking the horn and he's driving behind us. He's just laying on the horn, honking, honking, honking.
00:27:50
Speaker
turned around. I passed the joint and I don't, I refuse to look back out the back window as if he didn't just see me and that's not why he wasn't just honking. It wasn't for years until it was like, maybe it was like, I was probably 30 when we had the conversation about him seeing me and was like, no, I didn't care. Like I smoked pot. Like he wasn't mad or anything. I thought I was going to be in so much trouble. Was he just like trying to get your attention?
00:28:17
Speaker
He was just trying to get my attention. Pass it back to me. Pass it back to me. At the time, I had no idea. My dad had hit it very well that he was a stoner. He was like a military guy. So I thought if he found out, I would get my first spanking I ever got in my whole life. But I was wrong. I was wrong. Seems like a really risky move to like be behind a car. I never once got spanked. Wow.
00:28:45
Speaker
Yeah. My mom had a paddle. Whoa. Yeah, my parents, I was pretty well behaved for the most part. The older I got, the more I experimented with drugs. But even then, I wasn't really doing anything bad. It was just the bad thing was the drugs. Wait, let's do scenes. I want to work on my stoner character. I've got a character. You got a character. Okay, good.
Communicating with Plants
00:29:21
Speaker
All right, what I'd like you to do if you're going to work at this greenhouse is talk to the plants to make sure that they have good energy. You find that it helps them grow bigger. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And please don't just put on a podcast. I want you to have meaningful relationships with the plants. OK.
00:29:44
Speaker
And we're paying good money. Your dad said you need a job. Oh, I know. I need a job. We want me to tell him like my gym routine or, you know, I could just talk about what I heard on the podcast I listen to today. No, no, I want you to listen. I want you to listen to the plants and have meaningful conversations. Okay.
00:30:06
Speaker
You'd be surprised how much the plants can talk back if you give them a little bit of attention. Yeah, right, but not literally. Literally. You just have to open your ears. Now, I don't want you slacking in here because the plants will tell me if you did and give them attention.
00:30:23
Speaker
Okay, I'll talk to the plants. I'll be back in a few hours. Whatever. It's dry! It's so dry! Could you water me? Whoa! Hey there, little plant. What's that? You dry?
00:30:41
Speaker
It's dry in here. You gotta drink. You gotta drink a gallon of water a day while you get your pump on. All right, little buddy. I'll make sure you're getting your pump on. You gotta make sure you're hydrating. And you gotta eat clean. Okay.
00:31:00
Speaker
You gotta eat enough protein and you gotta drink a gallon of water every day and you gotta masturbate. Wait, what? No, no masturbating. I can't stop. What else can I do all day? I can barely move. Hey, hey, I never had a conversation with the plant before. I don't know what you gotta do all day, but there will be zero masturbation.
00:31:24
Speaker
I can't actually water myself. I can't actually feed myself, but I can asexually reproduce. You can stop asexually reproducing. If you try, if you put your mind to it, that's when you enter the brain gym. All right, here's some water. I'm wet. I'm wet, yeah. I'm so wet. You're fucking wet, bro.
00:31:50
Speaker
Oh yeah, I'm wet. You're wet as hell right now. Oh yeah, I'm touching myself. Oh no, hell no, stop it. I'm sorry, I did a little bit of asexual reproduction there. I felt like we were really vibing. We were. Then you took it too far. Did I just hear you tell my plants not to reproduce? What are you trying to do, put me out of business? Put on some Sinatra and do your job.
Transylvanian Spa Experience
00:32:34
Speaker
This is a very nice spa you guys have set up. It's got a lot of stainless steel massage tables. Sir, please lay down on the table and tell me how I can help you marinate in the relaxation of vacation.
00:32:50
Speaker
Well, I think the butter I put in my chest before tanning really gave me a sunburn. Oh, no. That sunburn looks painful. I'm going to need to put some ointment on you, flurps. What? What is that? I'm just going to rub some deal all over your chest. It's an ancient Transylvanian remedy for sunburn.
00:33:18
Speaker
This is really nice, it's cool on the skin. Ooh, actually that dill feels a little scratchy on my burn like sand. Oh, that is the salt in the herbal remedy. We've got to agitate the burn. Okay, I guess that's how you get rid of it. I think this might actually be serious enough burn that maybe I should go to the hospital. This spa is actually a medical facility.
00:33:47
Speaker
Really? I guess that makes sense. It feels very hospital life. Excuse me, Naz. Let me examine his body. I think I can handle this. It is only a sunburn. Well, at least let me apply some curry. Fun fact, curry is not a spice. It's a collection of spices.
00:34:12
Speaker
Oh, why do I need spices? Turmeric is just one aspect of curry powder. It is an anti-inflammatory. I think I've heard that before. James, I was looking all over for you. That butter you gave me gave me a real, real bad sunburn. That is definitely not enough for all of us. For all of you? For all of us to monitor, he meant. You know, the old saying, too many doctors in the office?
00:34:43
Speaker
Funny how different places have different sayings. In America, we call too many cooks in the kitchen.
Grandma's Haunting
00:35:09
Speaker
Sweetheart, wake up! Wake up! What? We've got to go to the basement. What do you mean we have to go what? Your mother's heard some ghosts. Well, we don't know for sure what it is, but your mother's heard something and I think it's important that we seek shelter. Some ghosts? Oh my gosh. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said something else. I don't want to scare you.
00:35:32
Speaker
Your mother thinks that we're being robbed. So we should go down into the basement really quick. Well, what if the ghost is the one robbing us? Oh my God. I didn't think of that. Maybe it is a ghost trying to take our things. I mean, did you see the ghost?
00:35:48
Speaker
Of course, I didn't see a ghost. I'm not even 100% sure. I believe in ghosts. Come on, we have to get downstairs. Your mother's panicking downstairs. She's wrapping up all the silverware from Grandma and she's taking all of the dishes. Grandma did say that if we didn't do her makeup nice for her funeral, she would come back for sure and haunt us. We did her makeup, right? Her makeup was very nice. Why would we be saying, why would you say this, sweetie? I've been seeing Grandma at night.
00:36:19
Speaker
I'm not freaking out. I'm not crazy. It's your grandma. She is haunting us. Everybody's got a hustle. Grab something of grandma's on your way down, go into the bathroom, get a toilet cover, get the little doilies on the kitchen table. Okay. I got her lipstick.
00:36:36
Speaker
Hurry up. All right. All right. I got her false teeth. Now what do we do with these? Okay. Okay. Okay. Just remember she can't hear very well. So if we all talk very quietly, maybe she'll think that we're not here and leave.
00:36:52
Speaker
I don't want to be a naysayer and I might be wrong, but talking quietly seems like a pointless thing to do. If ghosts were real and I'm not 100% believing this, they don't have eardrums. You know what, Greg? You're a naysayer, okay? Shut the fuck up.
00:37:07
Speaker
You're always talking so goddamn loud! I hear talking. Oh! Grandma! Oh! Oh! Is this the family that made me look like a whore at my funeral? Grandma, you looked beautiful. Is this the family that put blue eyeshadow on my eyelids at my goddamn funeral?
00:37:28
Speaker
You did not look like a clown. I know you always think about that blue eyeshadow. You look gorgeous, Tima. Darling, darling, I know a whore when I see one, and I was a whore in that casket. Show me your silverware. Show me the plates you've bought me.
00:37:45
Speaker
See I told you I told you children can hear ghosts adults can't grandma. Are you robbing us? I'm not robbing you I just want to just want to see how everything's been. I'm just checking up on all my belongings You know how the how the heirlooms holding up, you know
00:38:03
Speaker
Honey, tell her nothing. What is she asking you? What is she saying to you? We can't hear her. Wait, you guys can't see or hear her? You see her too? Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. I should hide these false teeth. This is too weird. Grandma, by the way, why aren't you wearing clothes in the afterlife? Well, I mean, it is surprisingly free for all up here.
00:38:31
Speaker
Really? Grandma, you... you went up? Well, yes, I went up! Mom, she went to heaven. That's not true. She's lying to you. Yeah, clearly that's a lie. She was definitely a downer.
April Fool's Prank Reveal
00:38:58
Speaker
Hey, pre-please!
00:39:00
Speaker
I don't know if I got you or not, but as it is now a tradition, it's two years deep. This is an April Fool's episode. I don't think any of your suggestions have been bad. I've always thought it was terrible to blame suggestions for a reason you couldn't do improv. And last year,
00:39:19
Speaker
We used AI-generated scripts for episode. If you didn't hear it, you should go back and listen. It's hilarious. This year, these are all episodes that have been transcribed from the past. If there was a performer that was in the scene originally, I made sure to swap them with exception of myself. I gave myself my own rules. I don't know. Am I cheating? I don't care. I'm on the show, yo. But I couldn't do this show without...
00:39:44
Speaker
Toybo Kaleo, our post audio engineer and sound designer. Oh, so lucky to have him. Thank you, Toybo. And I'm also very thankful to our Patreon members who helped me afford the adventure of creativity that Original Understudies is on. If you'd like to support us through Patreon, go to originalunderstudies.com. Well, you go there and that's where you can put a suggestion in. Sorry. Go to patreon.com slash originalunderstudies.
00:40:14
Speaker
I hope you have one heck of an April Fool's and maybe this prepared you for any other sneaky little person out there trying to get you today.