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Original Understudies - EP 82 - Thumb Creatures
157 Plays1 year ago
This weeks suggestion comes from a personal friend and old school improv buddy Chris. "Thumb Creature" I have added one of the hundreds of thumb creatures as the thumbnail...
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Amy Bury - @bury0007
Chad Reinhart - @ChadReinhart
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Jacki Schwarz Florida Person Podcast
Zak Roland - Best Of Denver® Readers' Choice Poll
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
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Transcript
Podcast Introduction
00:00:09
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Original Understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions. If you'd like to make a suggestion, you can email originalunderstudiespodcastatgmail.com or it's fantastic the website set that you could put it in a little, there's a little suggestion box and even better, now I'm checking the Google form that it fills out, which we're using a suggestion from there today.
00:00:39
Speaker
Let's introduce the improvisers.
Comedian Spotlights
00:00:41
Speaker
Jackie Shwores, welcome back. Where would you like people to find you online? You can still find me on Instagram. Jackie Shwores. And it's I don't know what this word comes out. So I don't know if we'll have something out. It's three weeks from now. OK, well, we'll probably the Florida person podcast. There you go. Come on me on those at those. And you'll know it's me because it sounds exactly like this.
00:01:06
Speaker
like a Florida person. Yes. Or I mean, like my voice, my, you know, no, I listen to this. But in all fairness, your voice sounds like a Florida. I get that. That's not fighting. I get that all the time. No, I actually have gotten a lot like, oh, where where's like your your accent from? I'm like accent or like dialect. And I was like, brother, it's from it's from Florida.
00:01:31
Speaker
I don't think we're known for anything like that. You kind of sound like you're from Jersey. I never wanted to say that, but everybody kind of thought, yeah, I said New Jersey, Florida. That's because New Jersey is just like Florida's northern brother. All the Jersey people come down and mix all in with the Latins, and that's Florida.
00:01:55
Speaker
Nice. And we have Zach Roland, Zach, welcome back. We've been pushing people to the Denver reader to vote. And I think there's just enough time on this episode to send them there again. Do you want to give a little brief rundown? Yeah, I hope so.
00:02:10
Speaker
The Westward is having a best of Denver and we're part of the arts and entertainment section. Best comedy club, Chaos Bloom. So yeah, you can vote every day, multiple times a day if you have multiple emails, like some people do. But, you know, whenever this comes out, hopefully we'll have some time. I think it's end of March.
00:02:31
Speaker
I think it was like the 17th or something. I saw that it was still going up. I have a question. How many other theaters are you up against? Let's see. I have it right here in front of me. What's the Denver comedy scene like?
00:02:46
Speaker
Let's see here. We'll give you, let me give you the rundown of the best comedy clubs in Denver for 2024. We've got, well, obviously number one is K S blue. Number one. Yes. Then comedy works, which is our biggest competition in terms of this competition and then Denver's dangerous theater. Never been there. Don't know what that's about. Very dangerous. Don't go there.
00:03:10
Speaker
The Denver. It's probably an escape room. I think so. That sounds about right. Denver Comedy Lounge. Never been there. And Wide Right. So yeah. Yeah. There's a couple of bills. Am I right? Always. Well, I don't understand the reference of Wide Right. I don't either. I'm not sure. Wide Right. Maybe it's like Northwest. It's just like
00:03:36
Speaker
You know, Kanye made it. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. From my from what I heard, there was a big boost from an author or something. So you guys probably have it in the bag already. But that doesn't mean you should stay home. Get on the computer at a public library, log in and give your vote. Right. Create a new email just to vote more times. Yeah. Now it sounds now it sounds nefarious. You've crossed a line. You know, I do what I can to rig elections.
00:04:06
Speaker
And welcome back, Amy Burry. Amy, where would you like people to find you online? I do not want to be found online. I don't want the first person to say that. But if they want to, Burry0007 on Instagram, Fargo Robbie on X finally got it right, not Twitter, X.
00:04:29
Speaker
And Amy Berry won on TikTok. And I recently shot a commercial in Toronto for Kraft. So if you have streaming services, you may see me playing a mom in a Kraft. I just saw Andrew in a commercial. I don't know what it was for, but I threw my money at the TV. Good. And then the TV absorbed the money.
00:04:54
Speaker
It did. I was pissed. I didn't feel like I got anything out of it. So you guys are just dual booking commercials. Well, he's mainly the booker. I am. I'm probably a veil queen, but I did book something finally. It's been nice to break the streak.
00:05:13
Speaker
So, yeah. Is it cheese, like craft cheese? It's like a mac and cheese style dish. It's called home bake. Love it. Yeah. Sounds good. I'm glad that like people are doing commercials like, you know, I do a commercial for anything, but like, you know, it'd be tough to do a commercial for like cigarettes. Oh my God. I mean, I do it for sure.
00:05:38
Speaker
Same, same, I will take the money, but I'd be like, I don't feel good about it. It's a strange heartbeat with camel cigarettes. And welcome back, Chad Reinhardt. One of the biggest bookers in the world I've ever known. How's it going? Pretty good. I just have a small window before my neck. I told you I was taking the date.
00:06:03
Speaker
you know, they can wait for me. They can wait for me. We can, we can show our production down. So where would you like people to find you? They can find me on the instant Graham. I'm Chad Reinhardt. And then they can find me IRL. There's a, the exit off the 10 and Robertson. There's like a bakery there. And I've got a bunker underneath that bakery. So you guys can find me that. Yeah. I remember that bakery.
00:06:32
Speaker
Yeah. And you never know that the bunker is there. That's the cool thing about that Baker, that Baker. Do you live in there? I think it's helms. Helms. Helms. But nonetheless, you hang out underneath the bakery. Too many clues out. Yes. Jackie.
00:06:53
Speaker
All right, so here's the suggestion.
Audience Suggestions
00:06:55
Speaker
It is just, I guess two words. I can give a little context to it, but he put it in there. My friend Chris is who I did improv with when I was in high school. And one day I'm going to drag him into this and get all my high school improv team together and do an episode. But nonetheless, he just put the suggestion, thumb creature. Thumb creature.
00:07:17
Speaker
Now, the context is we have a Discord channel with my friends and we just like text back and forth and they get on long tirades of making these thumb creatures just do all sorts of things. And one of my friends, Emilio, also an improviser, hates AI art for whatever reason he does. He thinks it's a dead end thing and it's just never gonna last and it's a fad that people are gonna forget about, which I think is crazy.
00:07:43
Speaker
But nonetheless, he does not enjoy all the thumb creatures. So they spam thumb creatures all the time. Are there like the bad hands that are in literally like thumbs if they were human beings and they'll be in all sorts of places. Like maybe this thumb is on the beach getting a suntan. I saw one where it was like a hermit crab, but instead of like a crab coming out of a shell, it was thumbs.
00:08:04
Speaker
That's exactly the kind of, I don't know where they came up with this. It's constant and it's, I wouldn't call it incessant because I don't exactly know what that word means. But thumb creature is the suggestion. Thumb creature.
Childhood Firework Incident
00:08:19
Speaker
Well, when I was young, I thought that I was really cool because I could light a firework and then run away from it. And so I was like, yeah, that's so cool. Like every kid does, right? And then eventually got braver and decided that I would light them in my hands and throw them. I was like, ah, this is so cool. And I think I was probably around
00:08:44
Speaker
maybe like tennis or so. I lit, I believe it was a black cat and that thing blew up in my hand and blew part of my thumb. Oh no. Did it grow back? The thumbnail? No, like chunks of skin.
00:09:02
Speaker
You know, yeah. And so, yeah, it was it was pretty gnarly. And of course, from that moment on, you know, I was I was traumatized by fireworks in general, but just like holding fireworks or being anywhere near. OK.
00:09:18
Speaker
Hey, hold on. Show us the thumb. I was going to say the same thing. They're okay now. They're thumbs up. Did you have a thumb job? I did get a thumb job. So it grew back. It all grew back. Which then made me think I had mutant powers. Cause I was like, how cool is this? I'm like, my thumb will grow back.
Frostbite Story
00:09:39
Speaker
I guess it's funny that as long as it's just the skin and you don't get down to the bone and blow off the bone, I guess a lot of it does come back because I had a friend who in Chicago, he was really drunk coming back from a concert and had to wait for a train and he didn't bring gloves that night and it was like below, it was like negatives.
00:10:02
Speaker
And he's waiting for the train to wait for the train because he's drunk. I guess he didn't steal it as much. But he got such bad frost bites on like the tip of all his fingers that when he went to like the ER, they basically had to like peel all the skin off. That was all black. And he just had to kind of like regrow the tips of all of his fingers.
00:10:23
Speaker
Did they leave him with little bony stubs? You know, I grew back like it's weird because you can kind of see like, or at least this is like five years ago, so I bet you can't see it now. You could kind of see like after about a year, like where the new skin ended and like the old skin began. Like the old skin was darker than the new skin. That fresh baby skin. That fresh skin, baby.
Thieves Guild Comedy Skit
00:10:58
Speaker
All right, so we're going to remove the fingerprints and you're going to be a master cat burglar
00:11:05
Speaker
Alright, it's quite the sacrifice you're willing to make for the Thieves Guild. I'm absolutely honored to be here. I don't think I was very subtle enough to be a thief, but here I am. Well, if you have subtlety, then you don't need to worry so much about fingerprints and things left behind, because it's a long time passed before anyone notices anything's gone.
00:11:30
Speaker
With your fingertips gone, you could create a raucous. And even if they try to catch you, they'll have no proof. Oh, it sounds great. So just put your hand into this. We're going to have to really clamp it down because the amount of pain is extraordinary. Well, one of the good things about getting your fingers burnt off is I've got no pain from the elbows down. Oh, you've had your fingers burnt off already? Oh, absolutely. That's why I thought I got a job.
00:11:58
Speaker
Oh! Oh, there's been miscommunications. I was here to take your fingerprints off. You've already got them gone? Oh, blimmin' hell. Well, there's a disappear of a pickle. Alright, so you've already got your fingerprints all
Dirty Jobs Parody
00:12:19
Speaker
off. That's good, that's good. Now we gotta do your toes.
00:12:24
Speaker
My toes. You've got to do your toes. You might be in sort of a situation where you lose a show. Can't have you not having, you know, the show. For goodness sake. My mommy says I've got the best looking piggies in over there. Ooh, not anymore. She technology has an advanced that well in the whole foot operation sort of feel. So it's going to be a little dodgy.
00:12:49
Speaker
But, but my piggies! It's a necessity! It's a necessity for the job, so just stretch out those feet right there and I'll get the torch. Well, it's, you know, a point of contention. I found my piggies rather useful when I'm, you know, walking.
00:13:15
Speaker
Alright looks like we gotta take that penis right off. Yeah. Oh, that's it. I'm gonna fuck out here No, no, but you can't leave yet. We gotta get that penis off. Yeah, it's me. It's it's me buddy
00:13:30
Speaker
This is gonna make you a world-famous burglar, cat burglar and all. You know, it's the point of being a burglar if you can't get some tail afterwards, you know what I'm saying? Hey, that's what the guild says, mate. We gotta do what the guild says. We gotta take that penis right off. Don't worry, though. A baby skin one will grow right back in. Oh. You know what I'm saying? A baby skin. A baby skin penis. Like a lizard's tail.
00:14:01
Speaker
All right, I got one dollar water bottles, one dollar water bottles, two dollar Gatorades, and swords. Oh, I'll take a sword. So much. Ten dollar swords. Oh. Just ornamental. Don't, you know, you don't want to use these on someone. Oh, I don't plan on using it. I don't even know how. I have so many of these. So you want a water bottle, too?
00:14:25
Speaker
Oh, I can't afford that. I'm going to wait to my first job, so I'll just take the sword. So you can afford the sword, but you can't afford a water bottle? I know it sounds strange. The water bottles are $1. The swords are $10. I have exactly $10, so I cannot get the water bottle. You know, I was going to throw it in for free, but I feel like you talked me out of it.
00:14:50
Speaker
Wait, how did I talk you out of it? I just, I'm just trying to be super honest. I'm really bad at things. I don't have any money to buy this, but I, can you just?
00:15:03
Speaker
I just need the sword. That's all I need. Where did the water bottle come from? I'm going to sell you the sword. I don't know why you're acting like I'm not like you haven't made any moves for your wallet. Now I'm suddenly feeling bad because I can't buy a water bottle to it. I don't. OK, here's my ten dollars. I just need to get to my job on time.
00:15:27
Speaker
Nothing ever exciting happens at the museum. You're just gonna pretty much be able to read a book or look at an app or whatever you want. Uh, but make sure nobody goes into the gem room. Cause obviously they're expensive. Yeah. Okay. I got it. I'm here for it. I just brought my book here. Got 50 shades of gray and I'm ready to just hang out and watch nothing happen.
00:15:54
Speaker
Well, I mean, that's all that's going to happen. It's an exciting sounding job, being security at a museum. People think people are going to steal dinosaur bones, old, you know, coffins of, you know, the pharaohs. But the truth is, that stuff's hard to hawk on the black market. But these gems, look at this one. This is a huge diamond. Oh, wow. That's so cool. That's very cool. Hold it. Hold it.
00:16:22
Speaker
Okay. I'm like, that's heavier than I thought. That's really, it's 10 and the hardness scale. I really, they talk about the hardness scale in this, in this 50 sheets of gray too. It's a different kind of scale. Um, you know, I should really let you know when I,
00:16:42
Speaker
I thought this job would be super easy and wouldn't involve any like heavy lifting or anything like that. And now I'm like, if someone were to come and take this, I wouldn't be able to take it back from them. You know what I mean? It's very heavy. Give that to me. Give it to me. Okay. Let's just put this away.
00:16:59
Speaker
You put on your resume that you know lots of self-defense karate, upkido, judo. I mean, yeah, I can scream with the best of them and the rest of those things I just thought I'd figure out like as I go along, but it's not that I don't know them, it's that I just, it's like latent in my brain that I know them. It's in the back, but I can totally, but I, what I am just- Is that sword on your back just worn a metal?
00:17:28
Speaker
Yeah, actually, I just I got this off of a guy in the street on my way here. It seemed like it would help me sell that I that I could protect. It actually stopped me from asking any other questions. Well, thanks for going on a date with me. I really appreciate it. I didn't know that you were going to bring a sword.
00:17:54
Speaker
Oh yeah, it's kind of part of my new thing now. That's really cool. I paid $10 for it and then, wow. Yeah. And so now I feel like it's kind of becoming part of my personality. I can't like really be severed from it. Yeah. Like a sword would do. Yeah. Have you used it?
00:18:11
Speaker
No, no, I'm actually terrified of using it. I mean, it could cut a finger off, you know what I mean? I wouldn't know where to begin with this. So I just carry it around to make it seem like I know cool things. Oh, I was going to say, I feel very protected with you having the sword. Because I am actually a security guard.
00:18:32
Speaker
Are you? Yeah. That's cool. And I'm very, um, well, I, I, I just started, I'm really trying to get my life together. I just started yesterday. So yeah, the sword is all a part of it. Nice. But oh my, I feel like I have, I just totally my sword of totally digging over the conversation here. I just, do you need protection too?
00:18:57
Speaker
I do actually, um, I have this burglar that has been trying to get into my safe for years. And I know, yeah, it's been a real pain in the metuckus.
00:19:13
Speaker
Yeah. I think I can help you. I am. I'm realizing that I'm, I might actually be kind of good at this thing that I just started yesterday. That's awesome. I think I might start a business like where I do this for, you know, like a, for hire for hire for hire. Wow. Janet, wake up. Whoa. Sorry. Did I, did I nod off?
00:19:42
Speaker
Yeah, you're not at all. Oh, geez. I've got another security card here that I've hired. So the truth is this kind of attitude is going to get you fired. Oh, sorry. Did you fall asleep in the middle of that conversation? Sorry. OK, pack your stuff. Pack your stuff. Pack it. Get it together. I'm sorry. It's just the way you say stuff, it just doesn't really hold my attention.
00:20:11
Speaker
What? The way you speak, it doesn't hold my attention. I don't want to make you self-conscious, but you have a very boring way of speaking. I don't even know how to respond to that.
00:20:26
Speaker
It's just, it's very boring. I hope that this is like the place in life that you want to be. Because if you wanted to be say an actor or on the stage, I just don't think you'd ever be cut out for it. And I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I just want you to know. I was never wanting to be an actor. I'm head security at a big museum. We got the biggest, most expensive stuff.
00:20:53
Speaker
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:21:12
Speaker
Well, it looks like you're going to make a full recovery. Everything's going to grow back. And I got to say, we've never seen something like this before. The doctors and I were talking about it. And we think you might we think we might carry a mutant gene. A mutant gene? Yeah, it's incredible. But this kind of regeneration process has never been documented in human history. So you're saying I'm more than human?
00:21:42
Speaker
Yeah, more than human. As a matter of fact, you also have a metal skeleton around your regular skeleton. Fuck off. That's fucking great. It's incredible. We've never seen this before. We're not sure if it's part of the regeneration process, but there's these claws that extend from your fists. Have you had any, had anything like that happen recently? Did you feel anything different? Well, I feel like I've been out for a few hours, so who knows what could happen?
00:22:11
Speaker
Sure, sure. Well, here's the thing. We need you to break in.
00:22:18
Speaker
to the X-Men's compound, Xavier's School for the Gifted. And get some- That's all the way the fuck on the East Coast, is it? It is, and we need some, there's these gems, see? It looks like a museum, but it's not. It's a school for gifted. Their security is terrible. We need you to get in there, get us these gems, and get back here to the,
00:22:43
Speaker
underground bunker. This seems nefarious as fuck. I don't know. I've got all these powers and now you want me to use them for evil. We'll pay you handsomely in cigarettes. I'm listening. That's the key.
00:23:09
Speaker
When I was a kid, we also played with fireworks. We would throw them at each other. We would put them in PVC pipe and shoot the bottle rockets at each other. Very similar. And I can't believe no one ever got hurt doing that. There's two times people got hurt. One of them was with a black cat.
00:23:28
Speaker
Uh, and it, it like basically just made their fingernails turn purple because they had gotten it out of their hands, but it wasn't far enough away from the fingers. But the time that somebody really got hurt, you know, those, I don't know what they're called, but they would go and they would spin and just shoot sparks everywhere. Well, jumping jacks. I think it was a jumping jack actually.
00:23:51
Speaker
So it wasn't me. I didn't get hurt and I didn't throw it. So I was just a bystander, but part of the gang. So I'm probably guilty by association. Somebody threw it and it went down the back of someone's shirt and it was going.
00:24:05
Speaker
And just burning them. Oh my gosh. It was a bad burn. It didn't stay there very long because it shot out, but he, I think he had to go to the hospital. I don't think it was like life-threatening, but it was like, it was not something you treated at home. I'm sure there's a scar on that one too. I have not kept in touch with him, but if a high schooler, I was probably freshman or sophomore year.
00:24:31
Speaker
Yeah, I'm sure he's got a scar on his back. We fooled around if you can believe with fireworks growing up in Florida, fireworks are sort of something we were very used to. One of the worst things my neighbor ever did is like my parents would have like
00:24:48
Speaker
an Easter party for the neighborhood. The Easter party would be at our house and we'd have all the kids do the egg hunt in our yard and everything like that. My dad had built me and my sister a tree house. It was like a platform tree house, but it was still pretty high up in a tree. If you fell, you would have died kind of tree house. It was
00:25:11
Speaker
big tall tree. And it had like, it was a platform with like a trap door and like kind of a little like lattice fence around the platform. And the worst thing one of the kids ever did is like we were setting off like sparklers and Roman candles and stuff. And one kid like all these kids were up in the the treehouse doing it and watching like the other people set off the fireworks. And one kid got a Roman candle, climbed up to the bottom of the treehouse, lit it, threw it
00:25:40
Speaker
through the trap door and then close the trap door. Yeah. So we were all pretty pissed about that. Everybody got burned. Everybody got like some burns and it also almost like it could probably burn the tree down and killed everybody inside too. It's a good thing. It like rains a ton in Florida. So like, it's hard to burn things down in Florida. Everything's soaking wet all the time.
00:26:06
Speaker
My dad used to set off fireworks for the city and like, you know, well, yeah, a professional pyrotechnic. And one time I was visiting him when they were like setting up for that, the city's fireworks. And I went to go use a porta potty. I was like a little kid. I went to go use a porta potty. And all of a sudden I hear someone yell fire in the hole.
00:26:33
Speaker
We just put the yell and they're about to, like, light one off. And then the whole porta potty shook and I just came running out of it because I guess I had crossed into a line and I didn't know and they didn't know. So I'm imagining them setting this off and then this little blonde girl's like running, screaming out of my porta potty. I thought somebody was going to throw it into the porta potty like a jackass stunt. When I heard fire in the hole, I think my head was like, oh,
00:27:03
Speaker
Oh these outhouses stink
00:27:17
Speaker
You know what? I bet you if we just threw a match down into the hole, it would, you know, like a fart lights on fire, probably clear this whole damn thing out. Oh, you don't want to do that. Come on. I don't want to clean this thing the old fashioned way. That's cool. Oh, you don't want to do that. You don't want to light one of these suckers on fire. It'll burn for you burn for many years.
00:27:45
Speaker
It's sort of like a candle effect. So if you throw a match down into there, you know, you can never tell how deep one of these goes and how much waste is inside. And the waste sort of acts like, like the wax. So it just keeps burning and burning and you'll never be able to put it out. It's going to have to burn out. All right. Then I quit. I'm not going in there. I don't want to do this. This, this is not a job for me. I'm taking this apron off.
00:28:14
Speaker
Take it easy. Hey, I thought you said you wanted to meet Mike Rome. I do.
00:28:21
Speaker
I thought he said, this is what you got to do if you're going to meet Mike Rowe. You got to clean up poop. You got to get knee deep in poop if you want to meet your hero. How do I even know you even know Mike Rowe? I just know he likes jobs like this. He seeks people like us out. And so you just you got to walk the walk and Mike Rowe will come up.
00:28:47
Speaker
All right. Jeez. It just feels like, what are the odds just cause we're doing one dirty job? Cause we're talking about Mike Rowe from dirty jobs. Do you know another famous Mike Rowe? No, obviously not. Oh, look right there. It's Mike Rowe. Hey, how are you doing? It's me TV's Mike Rowe.
00:29:12
Speaker
Wow. You sound just like I remember you on that TV show. Dirty jobs. They're dirty in their jobs. That's right jobs. Yeah. Were you on any other TV shows? Nope. Nope. Okay. Yeah. That's right. So it's gotta be that one for 55 seasons.
00:29:32
Speaker
Well, I'm a little embarrassed, Mike, because I've really dreamt of meeting you for a long time, which is how I got horn-swoggled into this dirty job. You know what's crazy, guy? I've dreamt about meeting you as well. What? Your face. I've seen it in my dreams, and I've seen it covered in dookie. Oh. Because I know you're a real dirty job kind of guy.
00:29:57
Speaker
while you were in Mike Rose's premonition. That's pretty exciting. Well, listen, I'm supposed to go down in there and clean it. I just want to throw a match in or maybe some fireworks. You don't want to do that. Why? It'll burn forever.
00:30:17
Speaker
Thank you, followers, for joining me here today in front of the internal burning toilet. If this isn't a sign that Jesus, our Lord and Savior, is coming back, then I don't know what is. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, Sandy. Shut up, Stephen. Okay.
00:30:37
Speaker
But I still would, though, even if I don't get to talk to you. I love this relationship. Here we are today on this day that's just like any other day where this toilet has been burning for a long, long time. Oh, yeah. Great, Sandy. Preach. And all I can think about.
00:31:02
Speaker
is how incredibly special we are to be the chosen ones to have this burning toilet appear before us accidentally after a bad cleaning incident. Like it came out of the sky just for us. Amen. Praise the Lord. Now, some people in this town, they want to put out this eternal flame.
00:31:25
Speaker
They want to tear it down. That's devil talk. Shut up, Steven. Shut up, Steven. Well, in all fairness, it does smell bad. See, I was blessed with the power of non-smell, so I'll follow Sandy anywhere, even to the Saternal Stitch. That's COVID. That's COVID. I love you, but shut up, Steven.
00:31:45
Speaker
Are you a non-believer? Do we have a non-believer amongst us? Hey, don't shun me. My family believes, so I just want to, again, support, come see the Eternal Burning Flame. Hey, I got this one. Close your eyes. Okay, Steven, you better not kiss me, though. Give me your hands. Close your eyes. Here they are. Here they are. Give me your hand. There? Do you feel my heart beating? Yeah. Do you understand?
00:32:14
Speaker
Steven, if you kiss me again, I'm going to be pretty upset. But I guess I understand something. It's a heartbeat. It's racing faster. Tell him, do you feel the same or is he only dreaming? Are you talking to Steven or are you talking to me? I'm talking to you and I want you to. I feel the same. I mean, I feel a little weird because my hand is in your chest. It's very cold and clammy. I didn't know the chest could be this cold. Are you alive, Steven?
00:32:47
Speaker
All right, Deborah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to inject one of these babies with liquid Anamandium. I love the sound of this and I'm here for a baby. I'm going to watch. Okay. Yeah. I just want to see if it covers up this whole like skeleton and then it grows up with, you know, a special skeleton of some sorts. I have no idea how you got your hands on this and how you, me and you just to chat
00:33:11
Speaker
I started working in the baby world. I started working in the baby world and sometimes, you know, parents don't come back for the babies. They just leave them in the baby ward. So there's a couple of babies that you can do experiments on. Oh my God. I mean,
00:33:28
Speaker
We're doing this, but it's useful, you know? It is. It's to help other babies. It is. I fully support you. I fully support it. So I have like a little bit of a hypothesis that if it was like, if we just like inject this baby with metal that'll fuse to a skeleton and grew up with both a regular skeleton and like a skeleton around that skeleton, that's like a metal skeleton. You are the one who went to community college. So I'm just going to trust you with this. And I'm here. I'm one of your followers.
00:33:58
Speaker
I'm a believer, okay? All right. I appreciate that. You want to live stream this or what? I'm sure I got you covered. All right. Fairness, Sarah. The one right there in the back. That's our kid. You see him? Yeah. You see him back there? Yeah. Yeah. We have to leave him.
00:34:19
Speaker
Well, we have to leave that. We have to leave that kid here. Okay. Oh, we got to get out of here because we can't have a kid right now. Okay. I was thinking the same way. We have a truck full of stolen gems that we've got to get back to the underground bunker. There's no way we could take this kid with us. It's going to be too problematic. It would be such a big deal and take his fingerprints off and all. Yeah, I'm with you. Maybe we should leave a diamond or something for them.
00:34:49
Speaker
You want to leave a diamond with the kid? I don't know. I want to do something. What if someone finds it? What do you, what if, what if someone, what if someone takes this kid and does experiments on them? What do you, what, what would happen? What do you think? He come after us someday? Cause we left a diamond and he knows we're gym thieves, Sarah. I hope not. I don't know. He might, you know, what happens if he has, what happens if he has an accent that's not like ours?
00:35:13
Speaker
I can't imagine that would happen. I mean, he's growing up here in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Absolutely. We're on our way back to the underground bunker on the West coast. When we robbed the place on the East coast is a whole situation. You know, I feel like it's been a whirlwind since I met you. You have brought so much excitement into my life. If you say leave the baby, I'm leaving the baby.
00:35:37
Speaker
Oh, Sarah, I feel the same about you. God, ever since I read Fifty Shades of Grey, all I can think about is you and all of those wonderful moments we've shared. From here to Juneau, Alaska, we've done it everywhere.
00:36:02
Speaker
Um, I was just wondering, I was just wondering if any of the babies didn't get picked up today, if there's any babies that are left over from the end of the day. So, any leftover babies? Cause I have a- I keep all the leftover babies in the corner, you know. Cause I got a couple of things I wanted to try. If you don't see any leftover babies, there are no leftover babies and don't bug me. Well, usually there's like one or two.
00:36:31
Speaker
Yeah. If you don't see them there, then today's a day without extra. Well, I just thought I'd ask instead of just barge right in and take one of like these leftover babies. Like if no one else, Gloria, I don't, I don't, you don't have to, you don't have to make extra special care around me. I love you. Oh my God. Okay. We liked. Okay. Wow. We like what? I don't know. I just like, I didn't think we were like, you know, I thought we just fooling around and stuff. I mean, yeah, we're fooling around.
00:37:01
Speaker
But do you think I fool around with everybody? You think I give everybody the extra babies? There's not enough extra babies to give out to everybody. There's only two or three days. I don't know why you've been all coy about it in the beginning. You're kind of like hiding the fact that there was a couple of babies and you know how I like to do my experiments. The truth is, Gloria, I don't know. I feel like you take all these babies and you do experiments is what you tell me. Yeah, experimenting on human babies. Yeah.
00:37:32
Speaker
It just sounds to me like you've got a family and maybe you need another archetypal like dad character in your life. Not for you, but for all these babies.
00:37:42
Speaker
Oh, the babies don't, you know, they don't really make it that far to wind up needing like a fiber. You know, I'll just take this baby right here. This baby's like good enough. Hold on a second. I thought you said you were making these babies better, like giving them superpowers and stuff. Yeah, I am. It just, did you leave this diamond in this baby? Are you trying to propose to me? Oh my God.
00:38:08
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I put that time in there. Yeah, for sure. This is a full on. Oh, my God. She's going to make such good television. I've been recording the whole thing. I can't wait. Oh, my God. Debbie, are you live streaming this? Yes, I sure am. Oh, got so many. Oh, oh, everyone's real excited. All three of people. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I do. I do. I do have one thing I got to do with this baby first, but I do.
00:38:39
Speaker
Oh, okay. Oh, it's like, I accept. I was saying yes. I mean, I imagine so, but I still got my ship to finish up many. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm the chaplain. I was just walking by. Did I hear someone's getting married? Eventually. We just do it right now right here in the maternity war with all these extra babies.
00:38:59
Speaker
Oh, okay. Could these babies be the witnesses? I think so. I think we should live stream this. We've got a live streamer over here. Yeah. I've got some tiny little hats, some tiny little cop hats and rattle fails we can put on them. It'll be cute. That sounds wonderful. Debbie, you are always ready for anything. You have to be when you're a field producer for this show. You are always ready.
00:39:18
Speaker
Do you, is it Deborah? Is that correct? Deborah? No, Deborah is my friend right here. Gloria. My apologies. Gloria. She would be awful if all of a sudden I accidentally married Deborah. Well, in the state of Tennessee, a man can have more than one wife. It's crazy, but it's true.
00:39:36
Speaker
Yeah, we got a lot of relaxed laws over here. Yeah, we do. Anyway, Gloria, do you take, sorry, are you sure your name is Bruno? Bri and Brian, I was so close. Do you take Brian to be your awfully wanted husband and sickness and in health till death do you part, till babies do you do? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it sounds good.
00:39:59
Speaker
All right. And Brian, do you take Gloria to be your, uh, lawfully wedded, uh, wife? I think I already said wife. Might've been a husband. Yeah. I'll take this and help baby stuff. You in? I'm in. All right. By the state of Tennessee and the Lord above with the flaming toilet. I now pronounce you a husband and wife.
00:40:26
Speaker
Excuse me. Pardon me, miss. I've was directed here to this museum. I see you are the security guard. Well, have it. So, if anyone was to say, come here after hours to get the place all too onesy. How would you go about doing that? I mean...
00:40:55
Speaker
I guess you just kind of show up because I mean...
00:40:59
Speaker
I mean, I'm here, but, like, I don't really do much. Like, I'm not really going to do anything. The thing is, as you can tell from my accent, I am from Canada. Yeah, I was wondering, I thought maybe it was Canada or something. And I was just visiting. Oh, that's that's quite a shiny sword you got there. Oh, yeah, I can tell you. You want me to show you? I learned a couple of moves on YouTube. Oh, sure. But, you know, it's pretty menacing if you can handle your ways with it.
00:41:27
Speaker
Oh no, I'm not really good at this thing at all. If anyone were to show up and try to steal this thing, I wouldn't be able to do anything, trust me. That's good to know. You know what? I'm going to write that down. Blame it now. Let me borrow your pen, eh?
00:41:43
Speaker
Oh, OK. Here you go. Just let me just joy. I was shopping. That's not. Oh, shit. He was supposed to see that. I was just just a little blade that came out of my knuckles. Oh, my gosh. Are you OK? Are you OK? I mean, it hurts every time it comes out, honestly. There's like a little full metal cage.
00:42:04
Speaker
developing right around your your body like oh oh it was just an exoskeleton this is a lot bigger deal i mean it's it's fireproof that's nice now they did tell me if i see something to say something oh sure well we've been teaching that in elementary schools for a long time i just don't know if this is something yet oh well you know what i'm a nice guy go ahead and feel me muscles
00:42:30
Speaker
Oh yeah, those are nice muscles. That's nice muscles, right? Those are nice muscles. I've got the same on the other side, yeah? Those are nice. Do you date? I mean, I'm not currently seeing someone right now. I've got a bit of a problem in my underpants area, if I'm gonna be honest. I can tell. It's a little exoskeleton thing coming out of your pants right now. Oh, I'm dreaming of it. I'm so embarrassed.
00:43:01
Speaker
I'm raging on your studies
00:43:09
Speaker
I injured myself on a date once pretty badly. I, uh, I was trying to impress my date, um, by breaking into like the pool area of an apartment complex and the pool area was outside and, uh, it was, there was these iron rod fence around it with points, uh, at the very top. It was probably like six, seven feet tall, something like that. And I was wasted and I decided, Hey, let's climb up. Let's climb in.
00:43:37
Speaker
So we ended up climbing. I climbed over, got in and was like, yeah, it's fine. And I think they probably climbed over to as a few of us. Anyway, we're in there. Not very long. Security comes by and they're like, you guys got to get out of there. And he's like, I'll just let you out. Like, he wasn't mean about it. And, you know, he's like, I'll just let you out the gate over here. And I was like, no, no, I'm going out the way I came in.
00:43:58
Speaker
So it's so dumb. So I go up and I'm getting ready to go over the, the iron fence and, and, and I, I slip and I sit down on one of the spikes. Yeah.
00:44:18
Speaker
it didn't go in my bowl. It came dangerously close to other items. And what then what proceeded to happen was I was like, I was just so drunk. I, and I, I had slipped, I sat down and I was like, Oh, and then I just proceeded to fall.
00:44:34
Speaker
So my head was up and I fell completely with my head down and the gate or the rod ripped down my jeans and caught me at one point. It just like caught me. So I'm hanging upside down after sitting on this spike.
00:44:51
Speaker
And my pants are ripped open and the security guard comes over and he like helps me. And he's like, I said, I was going to let you out with the gate. You didn't have to go through it. I was like, that's fine. We get back to my, my dates place.
00:45:07
Speaker
And we start making out cause that's what you do. You're like, Oh, this was so hard. She was turned on at that point. I mean, I'm turned on now. And we're like, no, we're making out. And then I looked down and her bed is covered in blood.
00:45:24
Speaker
And I had, I had, I had pierced it enough somewhere that it was, I was bleeding. So I had to make a, basically I had to make like a makeshift diaper out of like different stuff that she had. And then I couldn't drive anywhere cause I was drunk. So she made me sleep on the floor and she slept in the bed. And yeah, that was one of the most embarrassing dates. All right, let us see the scar now. Let us see the scar. That's interesting.
00:45:52
Speaker
Yeah it was not. Did you get a thigh job? Didn't have to get a little bit of a thigh job. Ouch.
00:46:10
Speaker
Alright, uh, it's gonna be a little embarrassing for you for a while, but I need you to wear this gauze upon your ass where you've had the surgery, okay? Um, and you're gonna need to change this every couple of, uh, I guess probably once a day, now that I think about it. It's probably safest if you clean this, uh, once a day. Now, I- my hope is, is that, uh, you have somebody that can help you with this because this snake bite
00:46:39
Speaker
It happened right on the ass. It's gonna be difficult. And I had to cut away, as you know, I had to cut away where the bite marks were. Well, Doctor, am I still gonna be able to wear a bikini?
00:46:52
Speaker
Oh, you're going to be able to wear a bikini, but you're going to have to cover it with gauze. Sure, sure, sure. I'm going to definitely take care of this, but I'm worried that when summer rolls around, everybody's going to going to see that I got bit by a rattlesnake right near my asshole.
00:47:10
Speaker
I mean, it's going to it's going to look bad. I'm a swimsuit model. You know, it's not convenient. But if you'd like, if on this wall you might see this, this is what we call an artificial ass. OK, I feel it. Feel it. That feels real, right? That feels pretty good. That feels pretty real. But how are you going to reconstruct the area around my butthole?
00:47:30
Speaker
Well, that's the thing is we can't. It's too dirty. We're not Mike Rowe here, okay? That's a dirty job. So what you can do is you can put this on. The actual butthole will always be as nasty as it is, but when you wear the bikini, it's gonna look good.
00:47:57
Speaker
So we're going to start the shoot, okay? And we just need you to take off your robe, all right? You already have your swimsuit on and we'll get a couple of shots with you and right over the top of the pool and then maybe on top of the rocks and stuff. So go ahead. Would you be okay if I kept my sarong on? Your sarong? My sarong, this little wrap I had, I brought this little wrap. I think I'm just gonna wrap it right here. Is that okay?
00:48:24
Speaker
I don't think it was a good idea because then it went the way of the photo shoot. And, you know, I think it'd be better if you just go ahead and take it all off and just show us what you have to offer. Well, if it's not enough skin, I can go topless. I just like to keep the sarong on. It's not a topless shoot. It's this one-suit shoot. So we want to top on so we can put this in the magazine. There's something that seems different about you since the last time I worked with you. There's something about your, I'm sorry, your
00:48:52
Speaker
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. It's definitely different. Something's different. It seems, um, I know from here, it seems squishy. I know that seems weird because I'm not touching it, but it seems squishy. I'm just going to come clean. I got an entire new ass, asshole included. I went to a special surgeon that does both acids and assholes.
00:49:20
Speaker
That's incredible. Why did you, why did you get in last? And that's all the reason behind it is just, it's a little personal, a little embarrassing. Oh, you got bit by a snake in the butt. Yes. I went to Arizona and it was not a good trip.
00:49:37
Speaker
I have been to the same problem, yes. Yes, I have. It totally blew my mind that you could not get a new butthole when you get bit by a snake. The snake that bit me, though, was not a rattle snake, it was a copperhead. Oh, I thought those were the same thing.
00:49:56
Speaker
No, the Copperheads do not have a rattle at the ends of their bodies. The Copperhead is a diamond-shaped head, and they are found in caves. I was in a cave when it happened. I see, I was just right out in the open. Wow, we have a whole lot in common, huh? So much in common. We never really had this large of a conversation. No, usually it's just close-off photo shoots.
00:50:25
Speaker
All right, we're going to be doing a little bit of a snake exposition today, and I want everybody to be on their best behavior the last couple of times I had people out. Did you mean expedition? What did I say? Exposition.
00:50:41
Speaker
Yeah, I'm an explanation. I'm an explanation. Well, I'll tell you what, you've gotten off on the wrong foot. Everybody knew what I was talking about, but only you had to correct me. Well, I just, I kind of feel like, you know, we could, I won like an expert here, not some kind of amateur.
00:50:59
Speaker
Well, it's not that amateur, OK? It was a simple slip of some letters. But you know, here's the thing. Here's the thing. So to interrupt you here, but I came here with the load of snakes because I thought it was an exposition. So I suppose I'll just, you know, fuck off in a good luck with all the expeditions. And it's clearly in the right spot.
00:51:21
Speaker
Well, actually, and actually, I am a writer and I came here because I thought we were going to work through all of the exposition of a film that I'm working on. It's about snakes. So this is not what I'm here for. Well, you know, I could help you with it. I'll know a shit ton about him. I'll help you with your editing process or revisions. I will leave it.
00:51:43
Speaker
Oh my gosh. So this hasn't been a total waste of a trip. I'm sorry. I'm an Uber driver. I'm here to pick up some guy named Brian on, he said he was on exposition Boulevard. You're totally mistaken. This is a snake expedition. Got it. Expedition. Got it. I'm going to just get out of here.
00:52:08
Speaker
Do you mind leaving that bag of snakes here? Because I don't know for sure that we're going to find any snakes. And this lovely lady who was corrected me seems to have an eye for a snake. Well, not really organized very well if you don't think you're going to find any snakes. The truth is, I charge for the expedition and nine times out of 10.
00:52:28
Speaker
and I'm rounded down to nine, there's no snakes. I mean, this is too urban an area. Look around you. We're in exposition. That's not what your Groupon said. That is not what the Groupon said. It said that I would meet up to, up to, but not including 10 snakes, at least up to 10 snakes.
00:52:52
Speaker
Right. I would. I was hoping to meet a few snakes. I wanted to put that on my resume. Are you going to dump that bag of snakes out or not, sir? This is my place is my mates. I guess now I am going to give you more snakes. Well, you're going to charge people on your little group on bullshit. Well, it's just, you know, one hundred and fifty dollar tour expedition, if you will. What if I said what if you just let this lady put her butt in the bag for a second just to get the experience?
00:53:19
Speaker
Come on, let me put my butt in that bag. Well, I've paid a lot to be here. Here's a thing. Come on. Here's a thing. I've got a cotton mouth in there. And, uh, that's their favorite thing. They had these ladies' puddles. So, uh, yeah, why don't you go ahead and pop a squat there, lad?
00:53:48
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Wonder Studies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post-audio engineer and sound designer, Toyful Colido, and our incredible Patreon subscribers who helped me afford this creative endeavor. Original Wonder Studies