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Original Understudies - EP 91 - Last Meal
147 Plays11 months ago
This Weeks Suggestion, "Last meals" - prttyprttypony
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Jacki - @TackySchwarz
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Landon Kirksey LandonKirksey.com
Rob Gamble
Mary Doodles - @Marydoodles
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Improv Invitation
00:00:09
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of original understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions. If you'd like to put a suggestion out there, go to originalunderstudies.com and you can fill out the little suggestion form.
00:00:29
Speaker
So for what I did last week is I gave that suggestion early so that you guys could think about what you are inspired to talk about.
Guest Introductions and Promotions
00:00:38
Speaker
Today's is coming from a longtime fan. Maybe a tool will remember this person from Alchemy This, but their name is Pretty Pretty Pony. No relation to the improv show that we're in. Do you remember them from Alchemy This?
00:00:55
Speaker
No. Okay. When we did the live streams, this person was always like chiming in, but this is the suggestion that they have. Last meals.
00:01:04
Speaker
OK, so let's introduce the improvisers starting with Mary Doodles. Mary, welcome back. Thanks for being here. Where would you like people to find you? Oh, you can find me everywhere online at Mary Doodles on YouTube, Instagram. I got marydoodles.com is my website where I am posting a new coloring book. It's my very first coloring book I've ever made. So, yeah, I'm going to have artwork shooting out over there. So go follow me.
00:01:33
Speaker
Awesome. And we have a tool saying, welcome back a tool. Where would you like people to find you online? Marydoodles.com. Yeah. It's easy. Tool time on everything. Thanks for having me.
00:01:48
Speaker
Thanks for being here. And we've got a three Peter right back to back to back. It's Robert Gamble. I can't believe that you, you are so kind to give so much availability. I'm going to suck your will to live away until you stop filling out the form. I'm honestly not doing anything else. So I'm just lying in bed thinking about like, when does this existence like, does it, do we just keep going or is, is it just like a,
00:02:16
Speaker
It's just like a stop. It's just stop darkness forever. But how do we know? But luckily you have no sentience, so it doesn't really matter after that. It doesn't matter. I'm barely able to be conscious in the moment right now, so.
00:02:30
Speaker
Have you started an Instagram account or any sort of social media? I had to pull up some pictures for my, uh, my, uh, wedding. So, uh, you could find me probably for a short time at, um, Gobert ramble and Instagram. Uh, yeah, if you can, if you catch me, if not, you could find me an alley in Santa Monica somewhere. So.
00:02:52
Speaker
That's great. That's great. And Landon Kirksey, thanks for being here. So last minute, where would you like people to find you online? Oh, people can just find me wherever. Splendid on Instagram or LandonKirksey.com for voiceover things, comedy things, and Johnny Marfa on the lights for all your country music needs and some relatively competent harmonica playing on my part. So that's, that's what I'm all about.
00:03:20
Speaker
Nice. And last, but certainly not least, we have Jackie Schwartz. Welcome back, Jackie. Where would you like people to find you online? You can find me on Instagram at Jackie Schwartz. That's all for right now.
00:03:39
Speaker
Cool, and there's a couple of plugs that I wanna make.
Live Show Announcements and Streaming
00:03:45
Speaker
A, on June 15th at 8 p.m. at the Chaos Bloom Theater in Denver, Colorado, we're gonna be doing an original understudies live recording. If you live in the Denver area, please come by. It's gonna be one hell of a good time. And secondly, as of 4.20,
00:04:04
Speaker
There is a 24 hour a day, seven days a week stream of original understudies content on twitch.tv. Just go to twitch.tv slash original understudies TV. And at any point in time, I wouldn't do it now. It might bog down your internet if we're in a recording.
00:04:23
Speaker
But I tell you, it is the most trippy stuff that you'll ever see. There are bear supply recordings from COVID. There's episodes from original understudies with the AI generated art that I've added in.
Last Meal and Fast Food Humor
00:04:36
Speaker
It's crazy. Check it out. So without further ado, we've got last meals as our suggestion. Does anybody have any
00:04:50
Speaker
stories about last meals? What was your- I've heard that you can live, like you can beat the last meal system by asking for specifically a McRib and a Shamrock Shake for your last meal. Cause it's impossible. Cause you gotta, that's right.
00:05:07
Speaker
So you'll never, ever die, baby. You can kill all you want. You can torture everyone around you. You can't die if you ask for that for your last meal. You're welcome. It's not a preference, but I always assumed that my last meal would be Arby's.
00:05:27
Speaker
Arby's I remember so much better as a kid, as an adult, I've really been disappointed. I love Arby's still today, but I just like, just from circumstances and I figure like whenever you're eating at an Arby's, like things are probably not great. Like it's not always, you know what I mean? So I just figure like, yeah, chances are like the odds are that like not because of the Arby's, but just because of the circumstances around it as probably going to be your last meal.
00:05:53
Speaker
I'm a big fan of the chicken sandwich there. People, people sleep on it. Did anybody ever think though, that like the Arby's hat was a popsicle their whole life and they never understood that? It was like a popsicle. Actually, I didn't say that. It kind of does. I thought it was a popsicle for like 25 years. It was always an abstract shape in my mind. It just didn't look like anything. Same.
00:06:19
Speaker
It's a hat. Did you know that it's supposed to be the letters RB? What? What? Roast beef. What? That's dumb. That's pretty crazy. That's like some Illuminati's shit. James, are we, are we angling for this hot RB sponsorship? Oh God. In fact, we should probably stop talking about RBs. I don't like RBs. Denver RBs come out to the show.
00:06:45
Speaker
We all agree our last meals would involve some sort of fast food. I would probably want to do like an old country buffet where it's all you can eat. You're going to besmirch the good name of Arby's and yet you're going to bring in an old country buffet into here.
00:07:02
Speaker
Well, I think what you were saying before Landon is that it would just be Arby's by default. And then something terrible happens to you. Not that you picked your last meal. This is what you were digesting when you got hit by a bus or something. I hope that's what you meant. That's how I took that.
00:07:30
Speaker
Okay, here's the pitch. Here's the pitch. Constant customers are coming in to our fast food chain because it's smack dab in the middle, in the middle, in the middle of a bus stop.
00:07:44
Speaker
in the middle of a bus stop, like people are going to sit like if you're waiting for the bus, you're going to sit around the Arby's or is somebody is somebody going to take up residence in the like how they take over bus stops? I'm confused about what you're trying to pitch. Janice, you're the one who asked for new hot ideas. And I'm asking. Yeah, I'm asking for hot ideas. But Dave, you that's a fucking dumb idea.
00:08:11
Speaker
It's my problem. That is an inappropriate way to talk to one of us. We worked on that idea for a long time. I am so sick of all you guys. You guys come in here and you pitch stupid shit all the time. I am looking for serious workers, but you're all tenured. Yeah, I can't do anything about it. You started a union and now I'm stuck with you.
00:08:39
Speaker
What is your problem with me? You are you and you. Listen, we did some research and he and I, we made grilled cheese sandwiches and we were slinging them at a bus stop. Everybody loved it.
00:08:55
Speaker
Well, there's only one person there. They loved it and they were everybody. They were probably a transient. Well, they were slinging grilled cheese at a transient. Well, they were hungry. Have you seen our numbers? Have you seen our numbers? They're way down and you're out there at a bus stop saying grilled cheese at a transient. Well, we wanted to know. They seem to enjoy it. Let me see your data points. Well, this is just... Yeah, this is one point here. And that's the guy. That's the guy. So that's the point.
00:09:30
Speaker
Oh, God, I'm so hungry. I could eat anything right now, anything we'll do right now. Oh, oh, what are they selling over there? Is it grilled cheeses in the middle of a man? Excuse me. And you want a man, you want a grilled cheese? Yeah. Well, yeah, I'm afraid of these grilled cheeses on the top of an oil drum.
00:09:53
Speaker
Isn't that a little unsanitary? No, it's seasoning. This oil drum's seasoned. No, okay. It's seasoned. Two girl cheeses. Two girl cheeses, please. There you go, order up. Thank you. I don't think those are sanitized. Put them in your mouth. Oh my God, I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry. What is this? What have I stumbled upon?
00:10:14
Speaker
Grilled cheese. This is the grilled cheese oasis. Welcome. Is this grilled cheese off of an oil drum? That's right. Oh, it's a miracle. You're here. It's not a miracle. It's a reality and it's yours. Eat a grilled cheese. Oh, it smells so good. Doesn't it? That's the oil you're smelling.
00:10:32
Speaker
Excuse me, I just need to get on this bus. Excuse me, you guys are all standing in front of the doors, I'm gonna miss my bus, oh my God. I'm gonna be late for work. There goes, you're gonna have to wait for the local. Everything's okay, I'll take one, okay, that's fine, just give me one, I'll take one. Oh, you'll take one, but then you're gonna want more. Yeah, we'll see about that. Okay.
Prison Meal and Beyond Meat Discussion
00:11:03
Speaker
Warden, we're supposed to be making steak and eggs for the Ripper. I don't know if I'm really the qualified chef to cook steak. I want to make sure that his last meal is real good. Of course you are. Everybody here says you're a vegetarian and there is no way better than to punish an inmate than by having a vegetarian cook their last meal.
00:11:28
Speaker
That's what I thought you were gonna say, Warden. That's just, this person's last meal. We're supposed to make it good. That's why they can request whatever they want. Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang. You better break me my stinking eggs again or else the Ripper's gonna get ya. Don't you understand he's a dead man. He is a dead man. I'm gonna come back in the next life and I'm gonna haunt you. Whoo!
00:11:55
Speaker
You think he can do that? And if there's any scraps, if there's any scraps, can you give it to me? Oh, the shredder wants my scraps. You hear that? The ripper and the shredder want their last meals. No, I'm not up to die. I just want the scraps. Warden, I think you should, I think everybody here at the jail loves going to your Memorial Day cookouts. You should be the one to cook the steak. I know you hate,
00:12:25
Speaker
the ripper because of what he did to your family. But he's the man that just serves the last meal. Look, this is what I want. I want to put some beyond meat. I want to see if they can tell the difference. We just put some of this beyond meat instead of the real stuff.
00:12:42
Speaker
I've got a lot of steak here, all right? I need to see if they can tell the difference. I don't think they can, and I don't think they will. I can cook the hell out of beyond beef, but it's ground beef. It's not gonna look like a steak. All right, Warden, I want my steak rare. I want it bloody, just like your family was bloody when I killed them all.
00:13:04
Speaker
Whoo! And that son of a bitch is gonna get it. He deserves respect worried. He does not deserve respect, okay? I'm overseeing this project personally, okay? I want him to eat not steak. I want him to eat something that looks like steak, that looks mushrooms and vegetables. I want him to be so healthy when he dies. He's gonna feel every ounce of electricity. Shredder. Oh, I can't wait to sit underneath you and get all them drippin'.
00:13:35
Speaker
All right, Warden, I got your steak, and it better be good. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. M
00:14:02
Speaker
Wow. Wow. You know, I might say that this burger or the steak, this steak is beyond my expectations. I would say this steak is almost impossible.
00:14:15
Speaker
to believe is that what you would think you would think that wouldn't you you would think that wouldn't you you son of a bitch why are you getting so mad about the steak of trying to give you compliment warden i mean i understand it kills your family and all that ain't steak you moron that's that's beyond it's fake meats that's fake meat
00:14:40
Speaker
Well boys, as finally happened, our marketing's gone all astray. Only murderers eatin' our beyond meat. I don't know what went wrong with our billboard campaign. I think it was when we decided to donate so much faux meat product to the prison system and got all the prisoners hooked. Yeah, that was a misstep.
00:15:04
Speaker
That was a misstep. We should not have donated so much beyond meat to the penitentiaries. It seemed like a great brand deal collaboration at the time, donating so much beyond meat to the penitentiaries.
00:15:19
Speaker
But now see, people are associating us with that. They're associating beyond meat with murderers, which was the exact opposite of what we were trying to do, you know, with like the meatless, because you know, meat is murder. But now we're also feeding murderers. It's a pipeline. There's something there. There's something there. And I guess we got to ask ourselves now, do we course correct or do we lean into the skin? How do we untangle this
00:15:49
Speaker
This is not we've really we've really done something we gotta uncoil this whole thing Mm-hmm if we don't uncoil this whole thing. Mm-hmm. Our whole empire make crumble Go crumble we we we got we gotta keep up with the impossible now they they did it right They they started donating to schools. I don't know why we didn't think about that impossible impossible
00:16:15
Speaker
and possibly is now it's associated with children and learning. And boy, oh, boy, we did make a misstep. We did. We did make a misstep. But you know what? I think I think the impossibles, they got another thing coming to them. I think I think we can we can make them rue the day. We can have our revenge. Oh, I'm going to start at a photograph of the impossible. Yeah.
00:16:50
Speaker
Oh, my God, the popsicle went all over your shirt.
Comedic Mishaps and Arrests
00:16:55
Speaker
You really are going to look like an idiot on picture day. Greg, I wanted you to be careful. You're supposed to. This is the pictures that grandma's going to have at her house. The family's going to keep them in your wallet. Now you look like you. You got a whole bunch of like you like you squeaved, squeaved a smurf out on your shirt.
00:17:21
Speaker
Now, here's a picture of my daughter. Do you have any pictures of your son there? Yeah, but I just want to hold my thumb just so you could see the head. See, look at that head of his. Now, come on, show me the body of this young man. No.
00:17:38
Speaker
You know how ridiculous you sound with that. I'm not gonna show you the body Come on. Come on. We're just sitting on an airplane together. We got a couple more hours. You're gonna make it that awkward Come on. Show me this young man's body No, I'm not doing it. I'm putting this back in my wall
00:18:00
Speaker
Why were you arrested at the airport? And why haven't you showed me a photo of my grandson yet? I got into a fight with a woman on the plane. And apparently no matter how small a fight, if there's physical contact, you have to go to jail. So thanks for bailing me out.
00:18:18
Speaker
Of course, of course, you're my baby boy. I'm my little baby boobaboy and I'll bail you out anytime. Now, where's that photo of my grandson? Well, I cut his head out and I put it on this popsicle stick so that you can keep it with you.
00:18:38
Speaker
Mr. Gil Rainey, we know that you made bail, but we wanted just to follow up. We have this photograph of your son and it clearly has blue crystal methamphetamine all over his shirt. So we just want to make sure that you're not raising a child with blue crystal methamphetamine.
00:18:54
Speaker
Well, I'm not raising him with it. That's an admission of guilt. That's an admission of guilt. Those cups are too tight. Let me explain. Okay. You've got three seconds to explain. Where do I start? Where do I start? That's literally three seconds that you just took out there. I'm sorry. Mr. Guilherini, you've got to go.
00:19:19
Speaker
Oh, new guy. Welcome to prison. You're going to get the top bunk or the low bunk? I'm sleeping under both bunks. Oh, wow. You can have the top bunk if you answer my questions three. OK, if it's the coveted spot, then I guess that's the one I want. Oh, the coveted spot is below both bunks. But Shredder has that right now.
00:19:49
Speaker
If you lay on the bottom bunk, I'd pick your feet. Please don't. You look very greenish for a person. I'm sick. I don't know if we should have three people in this two bunk prison cell. What's the question? Let me answer it. I want to get as far away from whatever that person is as possible. A shredder. Say hi to shredder.
00:20:12
Speaker
Hi, Shredder. Hey. I thought I saw you at the front desk. You seem to wear a lot of hats here in this prison. I'm able to slip through the byes. You are skinny. You are real skinny, unnaturally so. Oh, you ought to shame somebody. I'm not. I'm sorry. You said unnaturally so. That's shaming. I'm just a little nervous. I'm usually just a dad at a home. You're a dad. Let me see a picture of your kids. Lights out in five minutes. Nobody's shaming.
00:20:41
Speaker
Oh, sorry. Well, I don't, this is a... Five minutes is plenty of time. Let me show you just the picture. Let me keep my thumb over the body part of it. No, show us his body. No, that's a trigger for me. I'm not doing it. Just go to your three questions before I hulk out on you.
00:21:01
Speaker
You're going to Hulk out. I'd like to see that. I'm going to rip this this sink off the wall. It's it's tightly screwed. OK, well, whatever. What's the questions? I'm taking the top bunk. Top bunk questions is what the square root of the roots of squares. The square root, the roots of squares. I don't know. That sounds like a it's what you call a trick question because that doesn't make any sense.
00:21:30
Speaker
You got the first one right. Come on, you dummy. The second question is what fruit is the loom of all fruits? Underwear. Yes. That was a lucky guess, honestly. Question three. What does it make when you have something blue coming down the fountains of a school? Something blue coming down the fountains of a school?
00:22:03
Speaker
Oh, Shredder, he's all yours. No, no, no, no, no. Give me more. That's my toast. That's my toast. You don't eat a person's toast first. Oh, I'm just licking them. That's nasty. There we go, buddies.
00:22:28
Speaker
When I was in, I guess grade school, it was sixth grade, that might be junior high.
Camp Humor and 911 Fart Calls
00:22:34
Speaker
That was the first time I ever went to like a camp with bunk beds and sleepover. And there was a person there named Dan Johnson. It was the first time of probably maybe only a couple of people I've ever met in my life that was able to fart on command.
00:22:51
Speaker
Nice. And it was impressive for probably the first couple of minutes. But when somebody does that in a small cabin for any extended amount of time, I think it's the reason I don't think farts are funny. And I think they're disgusting.
00:23:09
Speaker
Oh, that guy wrote farts for you. I'm so sorry. That was rather wise. You're robbed of the enjoyment of farts. What is this camp? Farts are funny. It was George Williams and it was if you're familiar with the Chicagoland area name and names. Yeah, George. Well, no, George Williams was the camp and it was around
00:23:29
Speaker
What do you mean there's a camp just named after some dude? Just some dude. I mean, that's just the way it was. Just what they do in the Midwest. George Williams camp? Yeah, George Williams was the name of the camp, and it was on Lake Geneva, which was technically Wisconsin. Yeah, it was a good friend.
00:23:45
Speaker
I remember that. Lake Geneva. Do you know what you're even saying? Lake Geneva is a place and it still exists. George Williams, the camp that might have disappeared in Europe. George Williams or Lake Geneva? Oh, you're talking about like that Geneva. Well, there's a lot of Geneva's out there. There's a lot of Geneva's. Yeah. Yeah. I once had a babysitter that farted, so I called 911 on him. Wow. Oh my God. Did you go to jail?
00:24:11
Speaker
around me with your farts, OK? Wow. So I called 911 and they said 911 emergency. What's the problem? And then I hung up immediately and then right away they gave me a call back and he had to like get on the phone with them and explain what happened. 911, what is your emergency?
00:24:41
Speaker
Yes, I have a problem here. My roommate has farted very loudly, I might say. Can you describe the fart, please? Yes. Okay. Earlier today, we went and had Taco Bell. Okay. He had a gordita crunch, Dr. Pepper, and some cinnamon twists. Okay. And ever for the past
00:25:04
Speaker
30 minutes, I'd say. He has just been farting all over the apartment. And honestly, it's very offensive. It's just a natural outflow of gas from my backside. This is totally normal. Yeah. I know what it is, Craig. I know what it is. Okay. Are these farts violent? Are you in danger? Oh, extremely. I mean, the house is shaking with how loud they are.
00:25:32
Speaker
Let the record show my backside is pointed away from my roommate. I am pointing it to the north side window. Can you just go ahead and get that get fire services out there? Thank you. She's here in trouble now. Great.
00:25:54
Speaker
This is the living area and you can see that it's very open. There's an open concept and there's a north facing window. There is a bit of fart damage up towards the top of those windows. So you will have to, you know, it's treatable. Can we see something else? We'd rather just go see something else.
00:26:15
Speaker
No, this is, I'm not ready. That could be, somebody could easily just wipe that fart damage away, honey. Like there might be a good deal. Why do we want a fixer farter upper? I don't get that. You know, this neighborhood is full of the fixer farter uppers. And I feel like this is a great opportunity to get into the ground floor.
00:26:33
Speaker
Do we want the work? Do we want to do it? Let's just go to a different neighborhood. It's just always something we're being held back. You can take out that carpet. It's easy. Take out the carpet and you might have to replace some of the some of the base flooring. But I really feel like once you get past that, then especially at the bedrock. He lost a house to a fart when he was a kid, so.
00:27:01
Speaker
As you can see, this place has great bones, great bones. It's really if you want to make a someplace like your own, I think like three bedrooms, two bathrooms. This is like great place to start a family. Of course. Did she say? Did she say what I think she said? Yeah, she said you said bones, right? It's got great bones. We see them. There's human bones holding up their window.
00:27:28
Speaker
Well, it is it is a bones house, one of the original built on this lake. Lots of bones. The most of the foundation is bones. That is what you're going to find in a typical bones house. I know a bone. I'm an architecture major. All right. I know you never you never eliminated when you are talking about what you guys wanted. You never said you didn't want a bones house. And this is one of the top.
00:27:55
Speaker
top, like you're not going to get any better bones. Did you hear that? I heard that. I know I'm trying to push us to just settle for whatever's here, but this place is clearly haunted. That is typical of a bones house. You are going to be a little bit haunted typically when you do get a house made of human remains.
Haunted House and Real Estate Comedy
00:28:17
Speaker
Wait, is this the same lake where the shredder did most of his killings?
00:28:22
Speaker
Absolutely. Oh, my God. OK, we just we want to go somewhere else, I think. Well, the ghost has advising that it's worth it as long as it's not more than seven five. Make sure you find insurance. Oh, no, no, no, I don't want to deal with flooding. Let's go. Let's go. Honey, we're talking to you. You don't hear the haunting. I don't hear any.
00:28:48
Speaker
I guess it might just be my hat again. I leave the toilet seat up.
00:28:55
Speaker
Oh honey, I feel like you're not listening to me. Check the HOA fees. Yeah, this place is a no-go. This place is a no-go. You get the fart thing and don't like it. I get the Bones house, ain't for us, okay? All right, yeah, I didn't like this house either. I'm the one who tells us. Let's just go see. There's one more real estate agent. Let's just switch again and- Whatever's there, we're for it. We're gonna take, love it.
00:29:25
Speaker
So you can see over in this corner, there's a little bit of fart damage that can be easily repaired. We have a guy for that that can come in and he can patch that right up for you. Yeah, no problem. I got it. Don't worry about it. You got fart damage? There's no problem. Yeah, this is the guy here. He's the expert in the area. There's a lot of houses in the area with fart damage. But this guy, he can patch them up right away. You won't even be able to tell. This whole lake, notorious for fart damage. Don't worry about it. Yeah, we've seen a couple places. Is this a human skin rug in the middle?
00:29:54
Speaker
Yeah, that sure is. Yeah. Are you familiar with the shredder and the ripper? They did most of their killings here. Ah, this neighborhood. Yeah, this neighborhood, this house also, too. Yeah.
00:30:13
Speaker
We apologize for the interruption of your local broadcast, but we have to update. The fart warning has now turned into a fart watch for Rice County, Minnetonka and Faribault. Please get into your fart shelters. Denise, Denise, Denise, you made a mistake, Denise. It's actually gone from a watch to a warning. You just downgraded it. Oh my God, Denise. Oh, oh God. Oh no.
00:30:47
Speaker
Denise, listen, I'm a station manager for 25 years. You cost a lot of lives out there today. So many people blown away. Yeah, listen, I'm afraid my hands are tied here. I gotta let you go. I gotta let you go. I know.
00:31:06
Speaker
I deserve it. I deserve it. I lost my home, my family to far as a child. And all I wanted was to save people's lives. I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. It was the perfect start. That's that's I'm so sorry for your family. This is both a teaching moment and also a deep irony. So I feel that that should be respected.
00:31:33
Speaker
The perfect fart coming to movie theaters 2024.
Juvenile Film Critique and Production Chaos
00:31:41
Speaker
So we've taken a look at your film. We've taken a look at your film script. Uh-huh. Yeah. And we're pretty impressed with a lot of what you got. You should be. You should be. You know, I watched a lot of Twister growing up. I watched a lot of natural disaster. The day the Earth stood still. I don't know if that's a natural disaster. And it shows in your script. The thing is, your script stinks. The dialogue isn't believable.
00:32:11
Speaker
What do you mean? What are you talking about? It's not believable. Of course it's believable. That's how people talk. They talk like they're in a movie. They talk, your cast, your characters talk like they're in middle school. They're talking farts and they're talking, it's, we're looking for something a little more highbrow. A little more highbrow.
00:32:33
Speaker
These are, this is a quality script. Okay. I got New Line on the phone. Okay. If you don't want this, I'll take it to New Line or Warner Brothers or, or Universal or whoever else. You'll get triple A movies after triple A movies. And we want your script. We just want you to change it from being the fart of the century to something more scary. Like something, do you hear what I'm saying?
00:33:00
Speaker
this summer hold on to your seats it's not a warning it's poo poo pee pee coming to you be careful for poo poo pee pee oh my god what is it it's a poo poo pee pee storm
00:33:25
Speaker
So we've seen your sizzle reel. And honestly, I feel like you went the opposite direction of what the studio is looking for. Boo-boop-ee-pee. Hey, the studio said they want to crank these things out every single year. They want a sequel every single year. You know, I got to come up with ideas on the fly. You know, it's not easy. It's not easy doing my job. All right. I'm a creative type, you know?
00:33:59
Speaker
Hey, welcome to Monkey Paw. We saw a little bit of poo poo pee pee and we love it. We're talking. Can you think you can do five more poo poo pee pee's? I got every time you get a feeling. You have it in you? Do you have poo poo pee pee in you? I got five of them stacked up right now, OK?
00:34:20
Speaker
That's what we want to hear. I could put out one every single, we could do a weekly show on network television, okay? If that's even still a thing. Television is dead. We're talking movies, all right? Okay. Cool, cool, pee, pee. In theaters only, come see it. That's what we want to be in business with.
00:34:41
Speaker
I got a great role for y'all, okay? This is gonna be something wonderful, Summer. I think you've been looking for a role just like this. It's a scary movie. It's from Monkey Paw Productions. They might turn it into a Netflix series. You know that I like Monkey Paw Productions. Okay, give it to me. What is it?
00:34:59
Speaker
All right, now it's poo poo pee pee. All right, now I see what you're saying. I'm sorry, it's poo poo pee pee? Your face is saying that you're not interested, but imagine you're gonna do five easy films, poo poo pee pee, right? But then afterwards, you're gonna have a relationship with the studio. They're gonna probably start making films based around you.
00:35:24
Speaker
I am a serious actor. I'm a serious actor in this town. And you're coming to me with an offer for a production. Well, it's not really an offer. It's an opportunity to audition. So at this point, we're still really going. We're hoping for it. Wait, I have to audition for poo poo pee pee?
00:35:56
Speaker
And now we have the director of Pupu PP here with us. Thank you, first of all. Thank you for making this. Thank you so much for having me. It's a great honor. So what we'd like to do with these, with our show, it's a little bit different. We like to play clips of the movie and then kind of have you talk a little bit about it. This first part is from the first version, first act, kind of before anything has happened. And these are the main two characters. I'm going to hit play right now.
00:36:24
Speaker
You've been in the bathroom for a long time. There's a line out here. There's a lot of people at this party. Can you open the door? Alexander, I cannot talk about this right now, but oh God, it smells like.
00:36:39
Speaker
Poo poo pee pee in here. Touch my fingers under the door. Slide your fingers in the door. Now right there you have a strong, amazing moment with your lead actress. No one thought you were going to get for this movie. And can you just walk me through what's happening there?
00:36:55
Speaker
Well, yeah, the funny thing is, is that everyone had food poisoning that day on set. So to get that kind of performances out of the cast was simply amazing. We had to improvise a lot in between takes. I want to play a second scene for you real quick. This is where the the hunter comes into the movie, a surprise entrance. No one saw coming. This is second act. Here we go. Play. Oh, my. Yeah, I'm looking for I'm looking for Alexander.
00:37:26
Speaker
Where is he? I haven't seen him since he went into the woods. The woods? The woods are covered in poo poo pee pee. All right, we're going to stop right there. Now, we definitely understand the hunt for Alexander. I think Alexander's dreams, that's people's dreams. And you're kind of always looking for it. And there's always somebody there who
00:37:48
Speaker
I'll let you take it from your director. That wasn't even really in the script that day. The cast didn't even know that the camera is rolling. So when they were there talking about poo poo and pee pee being covered in the force, that was an actual thing that was happening in the moment. Like there was feces and urine all over the place and we didn't know what to do. So we just started rolling and it just came out of the actors naturally. Mr. Scorsese.
00:38:15
Speaker
Mr. Scorsese, I think that it's unethical for me to be tainting this food at the...
00:38:22
Speaker
at the tables, what do we call these tables? The concession tables where people are eating the cast. Mr. Scorsese, please tell me. Jesus Christ, who hired you? I'm so sorry, I'm the first time in Hollywood. The concession tables? Not concession table. Maybe somebody else here in the set can help me. What is the food? Crafty tables. Craft table, thank you.
00:38:45
Speaker
Sorry, I'm going to go back. Wait, no, come here for one second. I'm one of the guys who works the lights. Mr. Scorsese, Mr. Scorsese, we have the Trays of Arby's for you. You want us to deliver the Trays of Arby's directly to the craft services? Finally, thank you. Just take him to the craft services, please. Thank you so much, Jerome.
00:39:03
Speaker
Oh my gosh. I think it's a bad idea to put those over there. You know, it's going to make people sick. It's fine. I like my roast beef warm. It's okay if they sit in the sunlight. Okay. Just let them sit there for a few hours and then we'll just all go over and we'll have some nice warm. I have to, I have to raise my objections as the health inspector of this movie set. Uh,
00:39:28
Speaker
I, horsey sauce cannot sit in a temperature above 68 degrees for a period of more than seven minutes. Oh, excuse me. What's your name? What's your name? My name is Penrod. Okay. Okay. You don't work in this town anymore. Get that. Who do you think you are? I was Penrod.
00:39:59
Speaker
Horsey sauce is a good...
Nostalgia and On-Set Antics
00:40:02
Speaker
Wow. I haven't thought about that in a while. That's the only thing that I like from Arby's. And I know it's nasty, but I would just pump that horsey sauce. It's horseradish. It's basically a creamy version of wasabi.
00:40:18
Speaker
a creamy version of Warsaw. Yeah. I don't like it, but I mean, you know, it is an iconic, it's an iconic Arby's thing. Yeah, it is. They did a good job. Does anyone else have a branded? Like horseradish sauce? Chick-fil-A. Oh yeah, sure. I got some of that in the fridge. I hate Chick-fil-A, but that sauce is good. Yeah. Never done Chick-fil-A. And I don't think I can start now. Never, never have I ever
00:40:46
Speaker
Have you guys, what's the best crafty table you've ever seen? Unmanned ones. There was a production. I was working as a PA in Hawaii and toward the end of the week, like the last couple of days, crafty had a Pina Colada machine going and a Mai Tai machine going. Virgin?
00:41:12
Speaker
For reals? You had the option. And yeah, we just kind of had like a half day of working the last couple of days. And the last couple of shots, everyone's got a cocktail in hand and we're like shooting on a resort. And it was just gorgeous and wild. And it was like finally a production that can schedule.
00:41:36
Speaker
All right, can I get you some chips or anything? I got chips, I got sodas, I got some beers and down the DL. Oh, beers? Yeah, I got some vodka, vodka, you know. Yeah, I'll have some vodka and blue beer. Wait, what? So what would you like? Trips. Did you say, it's pretty early. It's only like 9 a.m. Did you say you've got meth?
00:42:00
Speaker
Yeah. You want to get through your day? Listen, it's a full shoot. Have you worked with Mr. Scorsese before? Because it's a full 14 hours. I just, honestly, I snuck on the set. Shh. What? Security. Oh, no. Hey, wait. I want to be here.
00:42:17
Speaker
That guy's going to jail. No one makes it on Mrs. Sorsese's head. He's absolutely going to jail. Can I get a water? Water? Yeah. Do you need anything else? I got chips, cookies, blue meth. I'm sorry. What was that? After the cookies? Yeah. Dr. Peppers, Bud Light, Michelobe, methamphetamines. Are you offering me methamphetamines?
00:42:44
Speaker
I, you know, we're just here to get you what you need. You're the craft people. And this is free, right? This is free, right? I'm not, I'm sorry. I'm, I'm background. This is my first time on set. Oh, sorry. Security? No, no, no, no. I'm a star. I could be a star.
00:43:03
Speaker
Okay, Jeremy, just give me one of those roast beefs in the sun and also a little bit of that meth you got carrying around, okay? Yeah, I'll put it right on the sandwich, I'd like it, sir. I gotta get back behind the camera, excuse me. Okay, yeah. Assistant camera's here, great, sweet. All right, no one else coming by today.
00:43:28
Speaker
just me. I'm a cop. I, uh, just coming by to do cop checking to make sure everything's legit on sets. Did you get rid of that background person and the, yeah, I got rid of them. And you know what? She's, she was yelling. I just wanted to get a little bit of meth and she kept trying to point over by you. So I was just, do you, you haven't seen anybody with meth around?
00:43:52
Speaker
This crafty table, do you? No, I'm just crafting. I got chips here. I got some ducked peppers.
00:43:59
Speaker
And cookies, like a grandma's cookies. Officer, I didn't want to show you this, but I saw this picture of this young boy. Where's? And if you'll pay a close attention. Where's his body? Well, that's just it. I think his body was covered with methamphetamine. Oh my God. Right. Right. All right. Right. So maybe she was pointing over here because this little boy
00:44:29
Speaker
We're stealing meth out here. Have you seen this boy? Don't look here. Just look at his face. I can't. Can I see his body? Does he have a good body? I mean, the body seems like it's covered in methamphetamines. I can't tell. You know, a lot of people thought meth was only blue in the show Breaking Bad. Idiots! You know a lot about... It shoots blue all the time. Yeah, you know a lot about meth, cop. Yeah. Well, I'm a cop. Oh, I guess that tracks.
00:44:58
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I'm arresting people on set all day long. Hey, officer. Just need a little bit of meth to get through the show. Yeah, out of curiosity, what does it feel like to do meth? What does it feel like? Yeah. Well, have you ever skydived? No.
00:45:18
Speaker
All right, officers, it's meth week at cop school.
Meth on Set and Mistaken Projects
00:45:23
Speaker
One by one, you're gonna grab your loaves of meth, and you're gonna take them home, and you gotta treat this meth like it's your own personal meth. You gotta take care of it. You gotta hide it. You gotta deal it out in your neighborhood. If that is how you choose to raise your meth, you must utilize it, but budget it, so you have enough meth by the end of the week.
00:45:48
Speaker
Sergeant, what if I have the top bunk and my brother's messing around and he knocks over my meth and it falls to the ground? Do I get in trouble? So your brother's got the top bunk and is messing around and breaks your meth. Why did you get your meth in the way of your brother messing around? He's got the top bunk. You already lost.
00:46:12
Speaker
You should keep your meth out of your brother's way. Yeah. Yeah. I have a question. If I, if I lend out my meth baby to somebody else or if somebody else wants to take care or if I, if I rent out my meth baby to somebody else, is that, and let's say it gets damaged or lost at the end of the week. I mean, am I, am I still liable for my meth baby or how does that work? How is that going to affect my grade?
00:46:42
Speaker
You are still liable for your meth baby. Any damages are your responsibility. But you know what, what you make an income from renting or I'm writing this down. Yeah. What you make any income you make off of your meth baby, be it renting out or selling off bits, any of that will count toward extra extra.
00:47:06
Speaker
Well, extra credit. Yeah, you got it. I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine. You just got two more days to retirement. So I'm fine. Give me another shot of the horsey sauce. Give me another shot of horsey sauce. That horsey sauce has been left out for pretty long. Are you sure? Are you sure?
00:47:30
Speaker
I'm good. I'm fine. That's fine. Oh, it's hot in here. I'm sweating. Someone's got a window. I like I can't feel my fingers. Yeah. Oh, no. By rule of law, we have to make us pick a staff sergeant right now. Oh, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
00:47:50
Speaker
Oh, it can be you? I don't know. Isn't it by rule of law that anybody who volunteers is automatically disqualified? Oh, come on. That's it. I wasn't volunteering. I was asking. I was asking, was it me? Was it me? Was it me, me, me, me? You're out of here. Oh, come on. You're actually under arrest. What? Oh, that makes you the new sergeant. Oh, man. Oh, dude. Hey, guys, take your meth babies home. All right, write this down.
00:48:24
Speaker
Denise, you got kicked off of the set. What what what am I supposed to do with an actress that's getting kicked off a set? Well, you call them up and you tell them that if they don't have meth at Crafty, I can't be on set. I don't know why it's so difficult to tell them to send the police away. I mean, I'm sorry. I can't do this project sober.
00:48:50
Speaker
I mean, I understand, but for a big project, something as deep and harrowing as this poo-poo PP3 doing the number three, it's important that you keep yourself level-headed.
00:49:05
Speaker
I can't do this. I can't, I can't. I was in the same class as Claire Foy. And here I'm doing the Boo Boo Beep Beep series. I'm Claire Baby. This is every actress has got one of these, one of these series that they had to do before they, you're gonna be in the next dune one day, whatever they make dune three or four, you're gonna be a star. You gotta pay your dues. It's not just the boobies, it's the conventions, it's all of it.
00:49:41
Speaker
We want to talk to you about your client. We want to bring in for do. Do what? What was it? Yeah, we want to bring it one more time. Do do. Yeah, we're actually working on this. Do no do. This is the first in the sequel of do do. OK, it's just. Oh, we'd actually like to speak to your client. We're interested for her for Duke. Duke? Yeah, Duke.
00:50:11
Speaker
You mean Dune, right? No, no, no. Yeah. Well, yeah, but no, but it's Duke. Okay. So there's a couple of caveats. I would love to get you in contact with my client, but if you would call it Dune instead, she's going to be way more excited. What about deuce? I like it. But if at least in the meeting, the pronunciation of deuce. Okay. What about the deuce?
00:50:37
Speaker
I got something for you. Can I hear a nice script? It's called Dingleberry. Dingleberry the musical. We don't, we don't, we don't want it. We were surprised you're still in this industry. We don't want it. All right. Everyone here in New Line read it and we don't want it. This is a solid script. I got Robert England attached to this thing. Okay. No, not that guy. No, no. Robert England's never working in this town again. Not after what happened on poo poo pee pee two becoming again.
Credits and Supporter Acknowledgments
00:51:18
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our pro-audio engineer and sound designer, Boi Voko Leo, and our incredible Patreon subscribers who helped me afford the creative journey we're on, which is, you know, getting a Zencaster account, having Zoom. There are costs to putting it up, and I appreciate when people chip in.
00:51:45
Speaker
If you'd like to check out the original understudies 24 hours a day, seven days a week stream, you have two choices. Go to twitch.tv slash originalunderstudies.tv or just go to originalunderstudies.com. It's embedded there and you can also throw in a suggestion. So please check out the twitch stream. I know that it's silly and 24 hours a day. No, I don't expect you to watch it, but maybe just tune in for a second.
00:52:34
Speaker
I love you.