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Original Understudies - EP 89- If My Clones Ruled the World
135 Plays1 year ago
This weeks suggestion is sent in from Nathaniel.
"if the world were populated by clones of you, what technology or engineering products or general aspects of culture would be gone from the world,"
"If freedom is doing what you love, then power is loving what you do." - Brian Litteral
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Shannon Bacchus - @TheShannonBacchus
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Chad Reinhart - @ChadReinhart
Rob Gamble
Mary Doodles - @Marydoodles
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Transcript
Introduction & Audience Engagement
00:00:11
Speaker
Welcome back to the original understudies podcast where I've gathered the world's most original understudies. And we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions. And boy, oh boy, after my April Fools episode, did I get a ton of suggestions. I am so grateful for them. And I am sorry if anybody didn't hear the outro of April Fools episode. I think your suggestions are good.
00:00:38
Speaker
But I also appreciate the enormous amount that I've gotten this week. That's awesome. That said, if you'd like to submit a suggestion for the podcast, go to originalunderstudies.com and fill out the Google form. Or you can send an email to me at originalunderstudiespodcastatgmail.com.
Guest Introductions
00:00:57
Speaker
Let's introduce the improvisers. Starting with Chad Reinhardt. Welcome back, Chad. Yeah, top billing. Hells yeah. Hello, James. How are you, my man?
00:01:08
Speaker
I'm doing really good. Would you like people to find you or are you still doing illicit activities and parking lots? Not this week. You can find me at an elementary school in Van Nuys. I will be performing with the Actors Gang, doing much ado about poo. So if anyone is at an elementary school in Van Nuys, that's where I'll be in a couple of weeks. And then on Instagram at Chad Reinhart.
00:01:28
Speaker
I really thought you were about to go set up like some very tasteless thing. And I am so thankful. I was wrong. It's like you've known me for 14 years. Yes. I think it's been that long. And welcome back.
Spotlight on Mary Goodflesh
00:01:44
Speaker
Mary Goodflesh, AKA Mary Doodles. Thanks for joining us, Mary. Where would you like people to find you?
00:01:49
Speaker
Hi James, it's great to be here. You can find me at marydoodles.com for all things Marydoodles. Coming up this spring, keep your eyeballs open for a brand new coloring book that I've been working on and is wrapping up shortly.
00:02:03
Speaker
I got to see some of it yesterday. It would be illegal for me to break the NDA and talk about the title, but it's such an awesome title I'm looking forward to. Oh my gosh. I'm excited to share more. Cool. And Shannon Baucus.
Shannon Baucus's Unique Podcast Format
00:02:17
Speaker
Welcome back, Shannon. Where would you like people to find you online? It's great to be back. Thank you so much. I would like people to find me in Hawaii, but I'm not there and have no plans to be there. But on the internet, people can find me at the Shannon Baucus on Instagram.
00:02:34
Speaker
Or also on my podcast, it's coming back. Hot Topic, the hot tub talk show. Oh, cool. What's it about? I bring comedians to my dad's hot tub and they debate political topics that they disagree on drunk in a hot tub and I mediate.
00:02:51
Speaker
That is amazing. That's absolutely amazing. Yes, Shannon, I'm available. Yeah, me too. Me too. I keep thinking back to your first appearance where you said that you'd like people to find you with Jason Momoa. And I have, yeah, I'm really hoping for that for you one day. I think Jason Momoa was at the Westside Comedy Theater at our party, wasn't he?
00:03:21
Speaker
Because I also left that party relatively early and he showed up there, I would have thrown up all over this microphone. No, there was a guy that I thought would probably be offended if I said anything about how much he looked like Jason Momoa. Oh, I know who you're talking about. Yeah, I don't know him, but I mean, it's a compliment, but maybe not coming from a stranger that's probably not the most sober that evening.
00:03:46
Speaker
So I didn't know how to approach it maybe some other day. He looked like Jason Momoa to me. I'm mad I missed fake Jason Momoa.
00:03:54
Speaker
Yeah, we seem legit. And Jason Mafoa. There it is. Exactly.
Robert Gamble's Quest for Recognition
00:04:00
Speaker
That's a good pun. And as is the tradition, we've saved our newcomer for last. Welcome, Robert Gamble. Thank you, James. Thank you. I've been wondering when Hollywood's going to recognize my talent. And as I'm sitting here with you all, I'm still wondering that. I don't know what's going to happen, but thank you for having me.
00:04:20
Speaker
It's happening right now. All you have to do is say, where would be the appropriate person to look up Rob Gamble online? Well, I dare people to try to find me because I'm not on any social media or on any platforms. So come and get me if you can find me.
00:04:35
Speaker
That's a challenge for the FBI. Even your email address. Your email address is elusive, and I won't put it out there right now. But you gave me your email address, but I had that email address. I just was certain that couldn't be a real email address for a person. It's so generic that I just like to confuse people. Well, it confused me enough to reach out to get your actual email, so you did it. Is it like email123 at email.com?
00:05:07
Speaker
All right. So here's the suggestion.
Philosophical Debate on Self-Cloning
00:05:10
Speaker
This one's a little bigger than usual. Um, it, uh, uh, this was, I got a bunch that came in and we are going to get to all of them. This comes from a Patreon member and what's their name? Nathaniel.
00:05:23
Speaker
I won't give a last name in case they didn't sign off on it. But here it is. Is this the appropriate place for suggestions? I hope so. I've watched the video of the engineer who climbs a ladder 5,000 feet in the air to repair a cell phone antenna or the repair a windmill blade. My hands dripped with sweat. I imagine
00:05:47
Speaker
What would happen if this world were populated with clones of me? These cell towers and windmills would never get built? I could never do that job in a million years. Skyscrapers would be out. Executioners would also be unavailable.
00:06:03
Speaker
if the world were populated by clones of you, what technology or engineering products or general aspects of culture would be gone from the world because you just couldn't create it or maintain them. Love you all. I've read that a couple of times. Did that make sense to everybody? Yeah, that's really good. Yeah, what I'm picturing is the world is populated with exclusively clones of yourself, is my understanding.
00:06:32
Speaker
So your clones have already wiped all imitators off the planet. So I think it's the cleverest way I've ever seen for somebody to ask like, what are you not good at? Or what are you not willing to do?
00:06:50
Speaker
But at the same time though, if everyone else in the world is me, we wouldn't have a need for those things, you know? If it's just a bunch of me's, we're doing what we want to do anyway. We don't need to do the things we don't want to do. We're cool with it. Yeah, we're like foraging in the woods. I don't need to impress anybody. I'm with me. We're all friends here. Yeah, do I need to invent society?
00:07:17
Speaker
But the answer to the question is put away laundry. It would never get put. Yeah. Is this like a hive mind? Is this like everyone's working together towards something or is this everyone's their own individual doing whatever they want to do?
00:07:31
Speaker
I don't know. I think it's, I think it's the fact that what he's saying is watching this, he's, it seems like there's some gratitude of people that do things that he would never be able to do, except at the same time he said executioners would be unavailable. I don't know if the, I don't know.
00:07:50
Speaker
I mean, that's what I would do to myself. I'd be like, hire myself on because I feel bad for me. Like, hey, I need a job and someone's got to do it. So like, put you on the payroll as executioner, but then also allow you to also be a real executioner. I mean, for the part of me that hates myself.
00:08:09
Speaker
Yeah. Cause well, I guess like clones, cause like how independent do the clones become? Like after so many generations, do they start to evolve radically different personalities? Like multiplicity. I guess it's kind of downgrade you.
00:08:27
Speaker
Well, I guess it's also a question of like, if there's a clone, do you think if you were born at a different place, you would turn out the same way? I imagine not, like that's like nature versus nurture. I think you're yourself no matter what. I mean, you're gonna be who you are. You're just in this vessel of whatever meat sack you're in at the moment, I guess. That's how I've always thought of it. Would you wanna...
00:08:55
Speaker
Would you want to hang out with yourself, though? Would you make a good company? No, because I'd like to be alone. So I guess everybody would just be like in their own little safe space all the time.
00:09:07
Speaker
I think no actual conversation would happen because it would just be a bit parade the entire time. Just bits and bits and bits. I guess my love language to myself is bits, so. Yeah, just doing mind meld with yourself and follow the fower. And winning every time. Every single time. All original understudies.
00:09:37
Speaker
All right, so we're gonna test your psychic ability. I'm looking at a card and I just want you to put your best guess of what card it is. Okay, let me take some deep breaths. I like to focus. And it's okay if you don't have psychic ability, like this is, like it doesn't make you a worse person. I can do this, Jerry. Sure, sure. Listen, there's nothing I can't do.
00:10:03
Speaker
Sure. I mean, but some people are naturally psychic and some people aren't. So I just want to make sure. I don't believe in that. I believe if you want something hard enough, you can get it and psychic abilities is not beyond my capability. You're trying to peak, aren't you? That wouldn't work. Cause even if you cheated through this test, like once you get into the real psychic group, it would be really clear that you're not psychic. Is it a birthday card?
00:10:29
Speaker
Hey, that's, I got to get a different cart now. You're not being tested, you're in the group. I'm sorry, I didn't- Okay, hold on a second. Let me shuffle these. I didn't want to bring you, Marcus. Come on, this is my test. Oh, I'm just here for support, okay? I'm supporting you and I thought we could do this together. Okay, okay. Mark, you said that your girlfriend was psychic. If you want her to be in the group with us, you're going to have to let her do the test yourself.
00:10:57
Speaker
Okay. Okay. I can do this. All right. So I've got another card. Okay. Okay. It's a shopping cart. Did you say cart or card? Card. Card. It's not a shopping cart. Did you? It's not a hint. I'm not giving hints of what it is. You should close your eyes and open Mark. Open your mind. Open your birthday card. Third eye. I'm trying. I'm trying.
00:11:26
Speaker
Mark, did you fake your way into this? No, I just I'm here to support her. OK, I'm trying to give her encouragement so we could do better at home. All right. Honestly, like we heard this was a good place for couples to come to sort of work things out. We're having communication problems and we figured if we could read each other's minds, that might help out a bit.
00:11:45
Speaker
Wait a second. Oh my God. This is not what this is. This is not couples relationship. We're psychics. I have a crew of people in the other room and we have real psychic connections with people, right? We're basically superhumans and you're normies. But you know what? This is done. This is over.
00:12:11
Speaker
You know, I just, ever since my Cocker Spaniel's been barking and barking and barking at the neighbors, I just kind of figured if there was a way I could communicate with him and just ask him, what about the neighbors is so upsetting to you, Richard? His name's Richard. He's a part King Charles Spaniel, but part Cocker. He's just so cute. And he loves these peanut butter treats I've gotten him. Richard, come here.
00:12:37
Speaker
Can you sit? Here's the thing, Mom. Yes. I can hear Richard's thoughts, and he does not like the peanut butter treats. Okay. Okay. Well, then why is he eating them, Andrew? Because we're having portion control because he's a little rotund. Yes. Richard, I do love you. Absolutely. I want you to live for a long, long time. That's why I don't want you to eat these.
00:13:01
Speaker
But tell Richard that he can, if he doesn't want to eat the peanut butter ones, you know, I can, I can try getting him a beef or a chicken or a salmon. OK, Richard. Whoa, whoa, Richard. Mom is a good lady. She works hard for both of us, so. He says, sorry, Mom.
00:13:31
Speaker
What does he need to be sorry for? What did he say? What's Richard saying about me? Well, he was cussing you out because he thinks you're trying to fatten him up so you can eat him.
00:13:44
Speaker
I would I would never can you tell Richard that I would never eat him and I was I was just a little upset about the doo-doo accident by the back door and you know what that was on me I was I was listening to my podcast and I didn't let him out in time you tell him that you tell him he's not gonna get eaten in this home I don't know what happened in his first home but he's safe here we've had him for five years
00:14:18
Speaker
want to welcome everybody to cooking your dog class. This is some people want to cremate their dog. I just want to have him stuffed. This is a good way for you can actually absorb your animal and the love that you put into it. Do we have any anyone here today? That's that's it was a conquer spaniel.
00:14:37
Speaker
Hi, I actually have a Congress manual and a Great Dane that's recently passed and I was just wondering if, is there gonna be a taste difference that I can expect or should I prepare them differently?
00:14:49
Speaker
Actually, yes, the Great Dane you want to prepare. It's more of a larger animal. You can actually store it for all winter and eat off of it all winter. What do you want to do is use like a nice rosemary with a garlic powder with the Great Dane. They're larger animals. They absorb the spices better. With the Carcassman, it's more of a smaller dog. It likes to, you know, you want to use like this, like pepper salt, just basic natural, natural flavors that you want to, you want to spice things up with.
00:15:17
Speaker
Um, does anyone else have any questions about their, uh, I, uh, I didn't bring a dog with me, but I figured I could still, I could take these, take these lessons with me for the future. Right. Well, we usually just, I wasn't required to bring a dog. Sorry. Oh, you're, you're encouraged to either get a dog or, uh, if you
00:15:37
Speaker
Yeah, I'm sorry. I have an extra Yorkie Cocker Spaniel mix. They're bonded brothers. That's great. Oh, wonderful. This is, it's a bit stiff. It's just, I don't want to complain, but this is a very stiff. Well, that one passed first and then the other one was so heartbroken. It just stopped eating.
00:16:02
Speaker
The fuck are you guys doing in here? We have to open up this Olive Garden in five minutes. Get out. Get out of my kitchen. Get out of my kitchen. This is disgusting. I can't believe it. I'm making my dog out of the freezer. Jesus.
00:16:23
Speaker
We're going to be cloning you, and I'm going to need a blood sample for the DNA. Which arm would you not notice hurting as much? I'm right-handed, so I guess my right. Okay. Doctor, the rubber band around the arc.
00:16:40
Speaker
Go ahead and tie it around his arm. I'm so sorry, but it needs to be very tight. Tightening the rubber band, doctor. It's turning blue. Is this normal? Well, it'll eventually be purple and you'll know that it's normal there. Here's the needle, doctor.
00:16:59
Speaker
Thank you. You know, if it's not too much trouble, let's use the bigger needle. The bigger needle. The bigger needle, it is very cold. It might feel cold. This is fine. My bad. My bad. Let's just use a tiny needle. Tiny needle is a very hot, very hot tiny needle, but they might burn. I'm still getting paid for this. I'm still getting $50 after this, right? Oh, sure. Absolutely. But you've already signed. We have rights to all clones in future, right? Yeah, sure. I just need $50.
00:17:28
Speaker
It's $50. It's easy to come by. And boinky, boinky. Got the blood. There you go. Unravel that. Please nurse. He's a bleeder. There you go. He's a bleeder. OK. Are you guys going to stop this? The bleeding? It just keeps coming out. It'll cost you. It's going to cost me. How much is it going to cost me?
00:17:49
Speaker
It's $50. It's a very easy one-time payment. I'm supposed to get $50 from now. I'm supposed to pay you $50. If you need my medical help. Just take it. Just take it. Make it stop bleeding. Oh, I can't stand this. Thank you. Here we go. I'm going to lick my thumb and just a pie pressure. Oh, this is sanitary? No, this is, this is a, I don't know if you realize this, but this is very much off the record. Bing bong, your clone is ready.
00:18:13
Speaker
Oh, I don't want you to see your clone. It would be inappropriate. Yeah, I don't. I didn't really want to build a bond with it or anything or even get to know him. Is it because he's jealous of me, doctor? You came out. He's not jealous of you. It's just that you're going to live separate lives. Damn it. I said I didn't want to see him. Now I'm attached. Yeah. And guess what? I'm not as bad as a bleeder as you. We have a happy birthday cake for clone.
00:18:43
Speaker
Is he superior than me? Is he better than me? It's just my birthday, okay? You already had yours. It's not your birthday. I don't know what your birthday is, but today is obviously Clone's birthday. You've shot me down twice since you've been out of this containment thing. What are you going for here? What's your... What do you feel anything for? I'm here to just be the better version of you, my guy.
00:19:07
Speaker
Okay, let's get the black bag over his head and get him out of this office. Don't you usually sing for a birthday cake? Sing to me. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you.
00:19:37
Speaker
OK, so we're really excited to have you join the team. Your only job is going to be to climb to the top of this very rickety bridge about once a month, give it an inspection and then dive off into the river below and swim all the way to the bottom and inspect the bottom of the river just once a month. That's all you got to do. Sure. Yeah, no problem.
00:19:59
Speaker
Yeah, I'm excited to be on a bard. I brought my wetsuit because, you know, it's awful chilly up here in the north. Yeah, well, man, we got an overachiever up in here, isn't this nice? You know, you don't get a lot of that up here in the north woods. People generally like to stay at home, stay by themselves, stay with their family. Sure, sure. Well, here's the thing, you know, I was a boy scout, so I come prepared in just five years. A boy scout.
00:20:28
Speaker
Wow, I was an Eagle Scout out in Kenosha.
00:20:33
Speaker
Well, how about that? I was an eagle just outside of Madison. No. Oh, my gosh. You know, my favorite scout leader is out in Madison. Dave Johnson. Dave Johnston. Yeah. Oh, no. Wait, man. Wisconsin just keeps getting smaller and smaller, don't it? Boy, you know, here's the thing. He had so many great desert storm stories all the time. Just, oh, he's like, oh, it's a beautiful desert. Absolutely beautiful. I mean, he had storms.
00:21:02
Speaker
Yeah, sure. A lot of ethical problems with it, but I'm sure they changed them. I'm not here to judge. That's not what this is about. I'm just out here to climb some bridges and dive to bottoms of rivers. That's it. Yeah, of course. Just a quick follow up there. Why the fuck we're going to dive to the bottom of the river? Well, someone's got to inspect the bottom of that river. Who knows what's down there? You got to keep an eye on it.
00:21:29
Speaker
Sure, sure, sure, sure. There could be lost bicycles down there. We can't have that. Oh, Lord. Have you ever been to Amsterdam? You know how many bicycles are in that river? We cannot have that here.
00:21:41
Speaker
Well, if it's anything like I took a vacation last summer to Venice Beach and they throw those goddamn bird scooters in there all the time. Yeah. Oh, there's all kinds of bird scooters. That's what's wrong with this country. OK, you know, we got just people don't respect. They don't respect other people's property, water sources. My goodness. Well, you know, water is going to be the new oil. That's the thing. Water is going to it's a precious commodity and is well, you know, that that 20 years you and I are going to be richer than Bezos.
00:22:13
Speaker
Your mouth to the Lord's ears. That's right. That's right. Well, listen here. I think you seem like you got a hold on this. You jumped off many bridges before. You seem really comfortable with this. All kinds of bridges. Yeah. You stay like in the Ozarks. I used to cry for fun. And we'd get chased by the water patrol. And just a good old laugh from that.
00:22:35
Speaker
I got to tell you what real quick, you know, because this water is cold. I'm going to get out with that little tiny pecker. Just want to let you know that that's to be expected.
00:22:53
Speaker
I don't know, I see a guy looking at the bottom of the river I think he's gonna see the I think he's gonna see the bodies I think he's gonna see the bodies No Tony, nobody's gonna see the bodies Tony, nobody's gonna see the bodies That's good, this is a good spot, this is a good spot I've been coming here every summer since I was a boy and this is a good spot, nobody's gonna see the bodies I'm just worried that like every month somebody's going down there like why don't we put them in the woods? Tony, Tony, Tony, you weren't too much man, you weren't too much, okay? This is the best spot, this is the best spot for bodies Nobody, nobody's gonna know, nobody
00:23:23
Speaker
Alright, I guess I'll roll it in there. Let's just help me get this guy up, will you? When you hold him like that, it looks like we can't hit birdies. I'm sorry. Let's stuff him into this. That's good. I've always wanted to play that movie out sometime, you know? Isn't it appropriate to get a selfie?
00:23:43
Speaker
I mean, if you delete it right after, I don't see why not. I mean, I'm not getting deleted or I wouldn't take it. I thought you just wanted to see it. Come on, just one selfie. I just thought you wanted to see it. Oh, private collection. Okay, all right. Babe, babe, let me see your phone. Why won't you let me see your phone ever? Like, I let you see my phone all the time. It's work stuff. What are you hiding from me, babe?
00:24:09
Speaker
But show me your phone. Just show me your phone. Okay. Okay. But like, there's sites of me, like, if you want me to be a provider, well, there's sites of me that provides that maybe you don't like. Okay. You can tell me anything. Okay.
00:24:26
Speaker
Is this a kink thing? Cause I'm open-minded and like, you know, trust is like the foundation of relationships. And like, you know, I just feel a little insecure that you're not like letting me see your phone without all of this, like excuse making.
00:24:41
Speaker
Well, let me just do, let me delete a couple of things really quick. That's like a lot, you're like holding your finger down and dragging it over everything. Barely deleted it, barely anything. Now look at my phone, go ahead, take a look. Oh, cat memes, aw. Isn't that cute? Beb. Beb, I'm sorry, I ever mistrusted you.
00:25:10
Speaker
Hey, I need to get those selfies again. I had to delete them all. Tony, wake up, wake up. Tony, what? We got to get those bodies back out so I can get some pictures. You want to go take some more pictures of dead bodies, Tony? What the hell is wrong with you? Come on. I'm never going to be able to remember all the good times we've had. OK, OK, OK. I got a job for us, all right? We got to go knock Pedro, OK? We got to knock Pedro over and then we can go dump his body and take some.
00:25:40
Speaker
We gotta pull over and stop at the overlook. We gotta get some selfies together. We like never have any selfies together. We gotta remember the good times, babe. But we gotta stop and enjoy the moment. Selfies? Like you and me? Yeah, you and me. Just like pull over and take pictures of ourselves. Don't ever bring anyone out here, okay? Promise me on your life you will never bring anyone out.
00:26:04
Speaker
So is this like where you're going all every weekend? This place is gorgeous. I'm so happy you're coming. We got to make this kind of quick, okay? We can't be out here too long. Let's just get one selfie and get out ski, okay? Okay, babe. All right. Ready? Ready? All right. Okay. Bloop, bloop. Oh, hey there. Hey there, down below. I got to jump off this bridge real quick so you may want to get out the way. Hello? We're just dumping our bicycles. Oh.
00:26:33
Speaker
It Miss Miss Backus. Hey, I thought we were on the same team here. Wait. Oh, no, no, wait. Oh, you hired me to fetch your bicycles. Well, that's that's the I just can't see where the the economic advantage of that is. I got to be honest with you. It's just my kink.
00:27:01
Speaker
I have lived in LA for about 20 years now and in LA we have the best bike thieves in the world. The first time I lost my bike to a bike thief was my own fault. I was walking down Venice Beach on the boardwalk with a guitar in a guitar case in one hand.
00:27:20
Speaker
and walking my bike in the other hand, and there was a 99-cent slice of pizza, so I rested my bike against a bench and walked five feet away to the no-line, 99-cent pizza, turned around, and my bike was gone, and that was my wake-up call that I was an idiot. Now, I could tell you the five other times I've had bikes stolen, but that one, I think, oh, I'm sure I'm not the only one with a stolen bike here.
00:27:48
Speaker
I had a bike seat stolen out of my backyard, which was really obnoxious because I had a bike to work and I did seatless, but standing.
00:28:01
Speaker
I had a bike stolen when I was living in Chicago, and it was heartbreaking. It was stolen out of my back patio. It was secured and fenced in, locked in, but my bike wasn't locked because I figured it was back alley, out of the way, and the gate locks, and it was hidden behind a concrete wall, and someone came and stole my bike, and it was like losing a child that was kidnapped. Everyone I'd see biking around, I'd be like, is that my baby?
00:28:30
Speaker
I'm sure it's the same exact feeling. I felt like I had a child stolen. Yeah. I understand what those parents go through. Yeah. I had one stolen the day of the 2020 election. I'm like, I'm going to leave my phone here. I'm not going to be on Twitter. I'm not going to be on any social media. I'm going to get on my bike, bike down to the ocean, you know, burn a J and come back and see the results and went downstairs. My bike was fucking stolen.
00:29:00
Speaker
Oh, you didn't even get to go to the ocean. I haven't had a bike stolen, but I recently had my, I had gotten a brand new tire and maybe I had that brand new tire for three weeks.
00:29:19
Speaker
On your bike. No, no, no. On my truck. On my... Yeah. And I was like, I'm not buying a new tire right now. This is just a waste of money. I'm just going to ride it on my spare. And I think I had it in the back of my truck for maybe a month. And somebody stole my rim with the flat tire on the rim. Oh my God. So now I'm riding around on my spare still. Yeah. And...
00:29:48
Speaker
Yeah, that's that's that's what do you have to have a rim? Like, do you even need this? Is the rim important? Yeah, usually goes around. It goes. The tire goes around the room. I'm thinking of the hubcap. Yeah, you need the rest of the room is attached to the vehicle. So you need a steering wheel. I don't even need a car, really. So.
00:30:19
Speaker
Oh, I'm sorry. I know that you valeted your car here, but it was stolen. What do you mean it was stolen? Well, when you gave it to us, I held the keys out, as I always do, for our valet to pick up, but it was a robber. Would you believe it? What do you mean? You gave me a ticket, and I'm giving you back the tickets, and you're supposed to bring me my car now.
00:30:44
Speaker
I don't know if you don't understand this. It was stolen. Your car was stolen. I gave you the keys. How did it get stolen? I don't understand this. Listen, I just explained it and I don't want to make a big deal. You know what? I was going to tip you $20, but now I'm not going to. Okay.
00:31:03
Speaker
Hey, come on. You can't just stiff me on the tip. Where's my car? Give me my car. That's not my fault. It got stolen. Here's my ticket. Bring me my car. All right, I'll bring you something. I'll bring you something.
00:31:20
Speaker
Hey, here's this valet guy coming into our thug's warehouse, swinging a bat. What do you want? That was absolutely crazy, man. He just handed me the keys and now we got this car. That's crazy. Oh, boss is going to be so proud of us. Excuse me. Sorry, I work at the restaurant next door. I'm valet. I'm head valet man. You can call me Brian. You too.
00:31:49
Speaker
Hey, you stole that car. Oh, it was pretty. Yeah, it was pretty slick. It could have been us. Could have not been us. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. A lot of cars get stolen. You know, rims are pretty big in this city. Yeah. Listen, I'm not looking for a big rim job story here. Okay. I saw you peel out and pull right in. If you were going to steal it, you should have brought it somewhere further away than next door.
00:32:14
Speaker
Hey, listen, Brian, I saw that interaction you have with the customer. You still got your tip. So I think we're good here.
00:32:22
Speaker
Yeah, he gave me a tip because he knew I was going to follow through and get his car back. Come on, you guys. So what, you think you could just walk in here and we're just going to give you the car back? We're just going to give you the keys, like we're going to dangle them around and grab the keys. Damn it. You can't reach it, can't reach it, can't reach it. You're slightly taller than me. Just give it to me.
00:32:47
Speaker
Oh, what? Let me show you a picture of my family. Oh, you see this? This is my daughter. Oh, look at her. Oh, gee. I'm going to lose my job if I don't bring this car back. Oh, and I love this job. Maybe we could work out a deal here, Brian. We got other cars we want to lift from valet points. Oh, from valet points.
00:33:10
Speaker
You got an end in the industry. Maybe you could get jobs valet in other places in helping us lift some cars. And in exchange, you get protection for your car. You don't have to worry about anybody taking your car. Your car and your daughter can be reunited. See, that wasn't so hard. You gave me my car back and here's your 20.
00:33:36
Speaker
Well, thank you. But now I'm a criminal. I'm a criminal now. So you get to go on your rest of your life. Damn it. Damn it. I would like to file a police report. You're in the right place.
00:34:04
Speaker
Yeah. I'm real, real beat up about this one. This is, this is the police substation. So you're, you're in the right place. Hey, you're smart.
00:34:17
Speaker
That's encouraging. I saw the sign out front that said police station number 42 and I thought we could file a police report there. It's a soul 42. Just like Douglas Adams said, it's the the answer to the universe and everything in it. You ever read any of science fiction? No. Was he talking about police stations when he said that?
00:34:38
Speaker
No, I just got a lot of free time here because nobody knows how to file reports. So I'm just going to sit here. You're the first person to file a report here long ass time. So I don't know. Honestly, I don't even know what's in these files cabinets except paperback science fiction.
00:34:54
Speaker
Well, hey, I'm I'm nosy. I could help you look around and see what we got here. Oh, let's see. Well, we got some in this game. That's nice. A lot of dunes. Very hot right now. Very hot. Oh, yeah. Because it's the desert. Yeah. That's right. You are smart.
00:35:11
Speaker
And you talking to someone out there? Yeah, we got somewhere. What's the file of police complaint? I actually wanted to file a report. Whoa. Oh, my bad. Yeah. You guys are doing great. I want to.
00:35:34
Speaker
to employ your help. No one's. Yeah. Yeah. McPhage. Do you remember when we keep those which file cabinet? We keep those blank reports. I think they're like somewhere in the back by the first report filed cake and the balloons was supposed to drop.
00:35:52
Speaker
Let me go check it out. Oh, I could really use some cake and balloons right now. It's been a rough day. Oh, yeah. Well, you don't tell me about it because I'm old. That's why I came here to report it to you. So, oh, well, are you ready? I'm a good listener. So let's do take notes, make this a little bit official.
00:36:17
Speaker
Mmm. Pens. Pens. I know I see a box of those. I got some pens here. I got cake. I got a cake slicer. I got some plates here. I also got some glasses with some milk because milk and cake is always really good. We can also make some tea. I got some tissues. Sit down. Let's have some cake. Tell us your story. Thank you so much. This looks delicious. But
00:36:40
Speaker
I really appreciate this, but I don't need someone just to emotionally talk to. I would like to file a legal report officially if one of you could write down what I'm telling you. Oh, yes. Oh, the legal report. If you were a legal report, the lawyers was across the street. They got reports on there. I hear what you're saying, and that sounds frustrating. You wanted to file a report, and then you come in here and you're only getting emotional support on this issue, and that's got to be kind of frustrating.
00:37:09
Speaker
a little bit. I would like to get the law involved. And that's your job. I hear that. We are here to protect and serve cake. Oh, you're it.
00:37:36
Speaker
Hey, check it out, check it out, check it out what I got. Look at this, it's a bike seat, huh? Can I interest you in a bike seat, sir?
00:37:43
Speaker
I mean, I don't need a bet. First of all, that's ridiculous. I'm a businessman. What the hell am I going to do with a backseat? I don't know. Excuse me, this is going to work. This is a high quality backseat, sir. Okay. This is very nice. This is top of the line backseat. You could do things like sit on it and ride your bike. Oh, that's a bike seat. I thought you said backseat. Now that I look at this. Sometimes I mumble.
00:38:08
Speaker
No, I was just in a rush. I'm in my own world. Cause I'm a businessman. I got lots of business to do. It's a nice backseat, but I got nothing for it. So thank you for your time. Good day, sir. I've fallen on hard times. Okay.
00:38:23
Speaker
I've got really good at stealing bike seats and I just, I really need the money. So, could you just do me a favor? Would you hold it for a second? I'll try sitting on it. Yeah, sir. Here, go ahead. Go. All right. Come on. Come on. Hold it up. Hold it up. I'm sorry. I can't buy this bike seat. Come on, sir. I can't tell. You can't seem to hold my weight. I can't see what the cushion's good. I keep falling. Sir, I guarantee you this is the best bike seat you can find on the market today. Like I have three kids at home.
00:38:51
Speaker
I got a wife that's nagging me constantly. Give me some pictures. Hey, Mr. I'm trying. I got a nice bike seat over here. If you're interested. Hey, don't be moving into my territory. What are you doing? Oh, you're, you're trying to get a bike seat from this school over here. No, no, his bike seats are garbage. Not like my bike seat. Yeah. Hop on. I can hold you.
00:39:13
Speaker
Oh, I mean, oh, yours is a hard bark seed. This is like a nice, wide, cushy one. Yeah, but it's- It seems like it should go inside my butt, not outside my butt. To each their own, but this one is more ergonomic for long distance travel, and you seem like a man who's got places to go.
00:39:29
Speaker
I do have a businessman. He's very busy. You guys are making me claustrophobic. You're getting too close. I've made this bicycle seat. I have a basket full of handmade bicycle seats.
00:39:47
Speaker
Oh, don't be fooled by her. She's just pretending to be an old lady. She's not really an old lady. She's 25 years old. Oh, well, listen, I don't need a bike seat, okay? This is ridiculous. One day you're gonna need us, Mr. Businessman, and we won't be there. Everyone could use a bike seat. Listen, I have a car. I'm walking now because I left my car at the parking spot. Oh, valet? So you left your car at valet?
00:40:17
Speaker
No, he doesn't know the valet's too well around here, does he? Sure doesn't. You're going to need a bike soon. Hey, car, car. I see you parked there unattended. You got a, you got a driver, you got an owner, you got the, you got someone with keys, but you're doing it. I hear you, car. I hear you. Are you, are you hitting on those parked cars?
00:40:47
Speaker
I'm just talking to the cars. All right. Cars didn't want to be talked to. They wouldn't be parked here. How do you think that car feel to be objectified like that? Oh, I think it likes it. I mean, look at this car, freshly washed. It's got the rims. It's got that red paint. Look at it. It's happy. It's cute. Hey, hey, hey, you mind if I, is it okay if my hand is here?
00:41:13
Speaker
You think this car's only value is to be beautiful and to be looked at and to be admired? This car's got a job, okay? You let the car define what's valuable to the car, right? You might have your values, but don't project them on the car, right, car? This car's got a driver.
00:41:42
Speaker
original understudies. So not to go back to bike seats, but we got bike seats coming. That's Hasselhoff on the screen. Wow. Sorry, I don't usually talk about it. It's Hasselhoff on a stick that's in my closet and it's weird that we just had a talking car. It is. It's a banana bike rider. That's quite odd.
00:42:06
Speaker
Uh, my bike seat, not that long ago, I had put like a, um, uh, I had put what was it? It's like a bike, a rack on the back, but apparently it was so heavy because the rack wasn't big enough. So I built like this wooden contraption so that I could put my dog in it.
00:42:24
Speaker
But the truth was it didn't work. It bent my bike seat just a tiny bit. And at the bike center where I work sometimes, they said, oh, you went past the line on the post. So if you do that, it can bend. So cut too many years after a slight bend of just riding it.
00:42:44
Speaker
Apparently, you couldn't really tell, but it was slowly bending more and more until one day at about two in the morning on my way back from the Westside Comedy Theater. I had a green light coming and I, well, it was a green light, but I knew it was going to turn red because I'm not an idiot. I can see when the hand is pulsing and it's just getting ready for a red light. So I stood up.
00:43:05
Speaker
I can read it. Yeah. So I stood up on my bike and like peddled as fast as I could, made it through, plopped my aspect down on the seat and it snapped in half. And I just like the whole, the whole experience was very bad. And it broke the metal pole off inside of my body.
00:43:26
Speaker
No, but luckily it like the way that it all went was the bike seat hit the back tire and like I didn't actually fall and get hurt, but it kind of like stopped the bike and like, uh, and I was fine. But then I got a new bike, which was used off of Craigslist and I brought it home and I was like, well, this is so cool. It's a quick release bike seat. Like, wow.
00:43:51
Speaker
I didn't have it for more than 12 hours before somebody took the quick release seat and just took my whole bike seat. I was like, Oh, I guess that's not as good as I thought it was. Did you get a new one? That's what she said. I had to, I had to get a new, I had to get a new bike seat. So you're supposed to take it off every time that you used it? Oh, I guess so. I was quick released. I don't know why I thought...
00:44:14
Speaker
Yeah, I guess it's so easily removed. Who's switching out their bike seats? So I guess people that don't want their bike seats. I did get a quick release after my bike seat was initially stolen. And that was when I would work at the west side and bike there all the time. And yeah, it was just extra comfort. You just pop it off, throw it in your backpack, take it in with you. No one will hurt me again. Didn't know this about cycling culture. Then a couple of weeks ago with my not quick release bike seat, somebody still tried to steal my bike seat.
00:44:44
Speaker
And they used all of their effort to get it off without any tools that they bent my back wheel.
00:44:52
Speaker
I hate the bike thieves in California. What's the market for bike seats? Is it sort of like five bucks? Like, is it like a self-fulfilling prophecy? Like because they're stolen so often, then they can be sold so often. They sell them too. Yeah. Like, I mean, you got to find somebody that, you know, quick right away because you're trying to like, you know, because they're being stolen. Is that, is that it?
00:45:14
Speaker
Like, is there a group chat or like a subreddit of the bike seat black market? James, judging by your knowledge of truck tires, do you need a rim really for your bike? Probably not. Our original understudies.
00:45:44
Speaker
All right, we took a look at your car and your car's looking like it's just gonna need to get the, the EPA needs you to clean it up. So we need to invest the smog test is what I'm trying to say with small talk, you know? Okay, and how much is this going to cost me?
00:46:04
Speaker
Well, how much were you thinking it was gonna cost you? Do you mind if I smoke in here? Oh, absolutely, no problem. I thought maybe I could tip you 20 and then- I'm not talking tip, like how much did you think it was gonna cost? Like what's your budget? What's your budget? Oh, you know, whatever you're feeling, you know, I just kind of wanted to get a sense of what you would charge for something like this. Oh, whatever I'm feeling. Oh. Hold on a second.
00:46:31
Speaker
Todd! Todd! Todd, get in! Todd! How can I help you? Oh, Todd, I got somebody here. We're gonna fix the car with the smoke. Sorry, the sess bar. Yeah, yeah. And I'm getting the price check. Right, well, what's the budget? Well, her budget's, what do you feel like it's gonna cost? What's your feeling? What are we feeling? Well, I guess we gotta feel it out then.
00:46:59
Speaker
All right. Here, lock your hands with my hands. Okay. All right. Oh, I feel it's going to be pretty expensive. What do you feel? I'm always feeling pricey up in here. This feels this small chick is going to cost you $200. $200?
00:47:21
Speaker
Get a little closer hold my hips I'll hold your hips I'm feeling even more expensive. Oh, no. Yeah, I think you're right. I'm feeling like $500
00:47:50
Speaker
Welcome to business 101. Usually the market is defined by stocks, value of things, paper money if you will. But today's day and age is all about feelings and what you feel.
00:48:05
Speaker
is the right price for things. I want to take all your textbooks and just throw them out. But I bought this textbook. That's that's part of the lesson, son. OK, just throw it away. All right. Now, how did how much did you feel like that book costs?
00:48:26
Speaker
It was $120. Was it $120 or did it feel like $120? It felt ridiculous. I thought to myself a book for $120. What is this? Too much, right? I felt like I should just be able to download this for free.
00:48:43
Speaker
Yeah. That was my actual feeling. That's the feeling. That's exactly what we're looking for in business. How do you feel? You feel like you should pay for this book? No. You shouldn't? No. Okay, then find the book for free. You can find the book for free. Yeah, this is how the world works now. There's no such thing as- Hey, that book she just picked up someone I threw away. I feel like I want to refund on this shit class.
00:49:08
Speaker
I paid good money. I paid good money to be at this college to learn about how the world really works. And I feel like I need to be reimbursed. In fact, I think I need to be reimbursed twice the amount. That's how I feel. All right. OK, well, let's just take it to the Dean of Admissions. Yes, yes, you miss. Yeah, I kind of feel like my time is very valuable. And not only should I get a reimbursement for this class, I feel like I should be paid to be here. Yeah.
00:49:39
Speaker
That's what I'm getting at. I want to congratulate you all for passing the first test of business. What about me? What about me? You failed, bitch. Come on. Let me take the test again. You still here, aren't you? That's the second lesson. Stick around.
00:50:01
Speaker
and you feel what you feel, and you tell others what you feel. And whatever amount you feel is the amount that they pay you. And if you don't think it's too much or too little, you tell them that. And if they don't want to pay it, then they can go somewhere else. The thing is, I feel like you stole $600 from me.
00:50:31
Speaker
Hmm. I feel like money doesn't matter. I feel like if you feel that way, you should just give me back my $600. This is very good. You two are doing great. In no way could this backfire keep it going. Keep with the I feel statements.
00:50:57
Speaker
I feel like we came in here to see if we had psychic powers, and now you're bitching at me for stealing money. Good, good, good. Thank you. I feel- See, did you hear that? I feel like I'm right right now. She said good, not right. I feel like she said good, not right. And I feel like you
00:51:19
Speaker
were hyping me up for six weeks telling me that I was psychic and I had something special and that I should pay for the both of us to go find out for real if we had psychic powers. But in reality, you just wanted to go to the office that's close to where you got that good ice cream.
00:51:38
Speaker
I feel like you're not wrong. That ice cream is fire, which is strange because fire melts ice cream. And B, I think your $50 a week was a good investment for those six weeks to pay for both of us. Very good. Thank you. I feel like this third party is doing nothing.
00:52:02
Speaker
Can you expound upon that? Yeah, honey, because I feel you're wrong. I feel like you two have a bit of a connection like you might have met before. Yeah. In fact, I think I know what I feel. I know what you're thinking. I feel confused as to who has the psychic abilities now.
00:52:30
Speaker
Ah, good. Yeah, good. Yeah, very good. I feel speaking seduced. All right, that's psychics. We've come a long way. A lot of us thought that we were nobodies, that we were just making it up all the time. Now I want to go national. I want to put it on the radio.
00:53:01
Speaker
all over every radio station. I want to put out a hotline that they could call for us. I knew you were going to say that. I think it's about time that California psychics unionize. You know what I mean? So that's what I was thinking.
00:53:18
Speaker
Yeah. I knew that you were thinking that I know you just needed someone to say it. You know what? That's why we're in this business. So if we put out an 800 number, I'm thinking 1 800 psychic. Yeah. People call us instead of going to them. We're going to get a little money. Let me stop you like right there because nobody uses 1 800 numbers anymore.
00:53:46
Speaker
That's the market. It's an open market, guys. It's an open market. There's so many that have opened it up. I'm telling you, the 800 numbers, maybe even the 900 numbers are going to open up. I don't know. Hey, guys, it sounds like we're going to be here a while. We should probably order dinner, right? Oh, I was just thinking that. Yeah, totally. Here's the pizza. Ding dong. Oh, my gosh.
00:54:12
Speaker
I knew you guys wanted a pizza. I knew you were on the way. Cauliflower crust, man. You know, you know us. I just knew that you guys wanted that. Just come inside here. We're psychics, and it seems like you've got a connection. Granted, he called Domino's earlier, but I think it's important that we all gather together. Wow, this is cool. You guys all live here together?
00:54:36
Speaker
Well, yeah, it's compound. I want to start a union for all the psychics. You know, I think I think if we, you know, we could be striking against the man if they ever come after us, whoever that is. Yeah. And in all fairness, we don't really have much of a choice because when we try to leave, he gives us nosebleeds with his eyes. Oh, yeah. It's been years since I've had a nosebleed.
00:54:57
Speaker
Well, you've never had a nosebleed like he gives him. Look at me. Look at me. You got us. You got us both in the same I bleed. That's too much, man. Too much.
00:55:14
Speaker
Don't ever question my authority. Don't ever question my authority, okay? I wasn't questioning it. I was just letting her know about your authority. Have you ever seen scanners? I could do that. I could do that for real. It was based on me and my abilities. I've never seen it. I've never seen it, but I know that you've seen it. So I saw the movie through your brain. You're gonna learn a lot right here.
00:55:37
Speaker
Yeah, I was watching the movie through your brain, through your brain, and it was like, that's kind of like the best way to experience it, actually. Whoa, Angie, we just met. I don't think you should be watching my brain, watching his brain. Well, then you should leave your brain locked. Guys, guys, guys, this is a union. We're all supposed to be working together. Yeah, we're not supposed to be working together. Yeah, we knew you were going to say that.
00:56:16
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post-audio engineer and sound designer, Toy Volcaglio, and our incredible Patreon members who helped me afford this incredible creative journey. I've got some fantastic news. Check it out as soon as you can, because it's an experiment at this point. It might go away.
00:56:41
Speaker
But 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on twitch.tv slash original understudies TV. There's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week streaming of mixed content, whether it's original
00:56:56
Speaker
Understudies podcasts with video elements to them or sketches that we've recorded in the past under the brand name Original Understudies, some bear supply shows that we aired during COVID. There's some secret surprises if you just pay attention. That's right. Go to twitch.tv slash Original Understudies TV any time of day and you never know what you're going to see.
00:57:25
Speaker
What way do you know how this stuff is?