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OU-EP98-Long Distance Flights
129 Plays10 months ago
We are closing in on the end of Season 1... or episode 100... whatever we want to call the chapter mark we are hitting, this episode is filled with laughs. The suggestion is Long Distance Flights.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Chad Reinhart - @ChadReinhart
Morgan - Morgan on Twitch
Zak Roland - Chaosbloom.com
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Jen Parker - A Meh Life Crisis
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Transcript
Introduction to Improv Comedy Show
00:00:09
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of original understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions. Let me read the suggestion today. And it's not Hulkamaniac. Just keep it going, baby. I'm sorry. Well, this person signed my name. So wait, it says you about it. It's signed your name or it says my name. It's an inside job.
00:00:40
Speaker
So this is, I'll just read the suggestion, then I'll introduce everybody. It says, love the podcast folks. It turned out the improv was the friendships that you made along the way. I'd like to make a suggestion, long distance flights. Thank you, Haynes Genie. So first off, I feel like it's probably somebody from inside the podcast because I sign with my name like that sometimes. And I didn't i didn't fill that out. Well, did they get your middle name right? That's the thing. They wrote Hanes Genie, which is something that I've done emails before, so long distance flights. But nonetheless, let's introduce some improvisers.
Meet the Performers
00:01:21
Speaker
Welcome back, Zach Roland. I can't wait to see you in Denver. ah Oh, yeah. It's probably gonna be after this podcast comes out, but all right it will be the 100th episode recording live at the Chaos Bloom Theater.
00:01:34
Speaker
I cannot wait. what What you got going on up there? Anything you'd like to plug that's after oh the live recording? We are closed in August, so don't come to our theater, which will be closer to when this is gonna be out, um because we need to take time off. you know we need to ah We need to see the sunlight, and ah sometimes we just can't do improv all the time. So other than that, no, just come by, say hi. Yes. And I guess I haven't really announced it yet, but that's also my plan is basically taking a break until August because we're going to hit that hundredth episode and then I'm going to be putting some different things up, but taking a break from recording fresh episodes until August. Smart. Welcome back. Jen Parker. Thanks for being here. thanks Where would you like but to guide people online to find Jen Parker content? You can find me um on social media at Jen Parker Comedy, or you can find my book on Amazon called A Men's Life Crisis.
00:02:34
Speaker
Wonderful. And Chad Reinhardt. Welcome back, Chad. ah Any projects that you're working on this this year you'd like to send people towards? I am pretty open. So I love what the part that you've written for me. I can't wait to read it and just get on set and just you know discover that that's where I'm at this summer. Wide open. and finally we've got him back. It's Morgan summer, Christian sin. Thanks for, thanks for jumping in last second and saving the recording. Somebody had to drop out cause they were sick. Oh, ah where would you yeah you find me <unk> real softball.
00:03:19
Speaker
This is probably going to be released right on time to send people to, I'm sure that you're going to be picking up the Elden Ring DLC. Where would people find you ah hunting the shadow of the air tree? Is that what it's called? Oh my gosh. You don't even know what it's called. I don't know. We're going to talk about this offline. um I will make an impassionate plea. If you have a Twitch account.
Promotions and Social Media Plugs
00:03:39
Speaker
go to my Twitch, not Morgan 1337 and subscribe to my channel because I'm very close to hitting the threshold where other people can start like subscribing to me and unlocks like the ability to change the ratio of the or the aspect ratio of the video and all kinds of stuff for the people who actually watch it. So like I'm just out of like, ah cause it's a new channel at a threshold where like a couple more followers, six specifically would unlock that for the people who actually watch it. So you never even have to watch me play video games. but you can help them get better resolution as well. Yeah, that's it. and And you stream every day during the week, 8 a.m. Pacific standard time, which is easy. If you're in it in Chicago, that's a 10 a.m. watch for you. You're gonna make this confusing, but yeah.
00:04:24
Speaker
yeah All right. So ah long distance flights, long distance flights.
Flight Mishaps and Humor
00:04:33
Speaker
I, I guess the longest distance I ever do is to the East coast. Anybody got longer distances? It's not the longest distance, but I did, ah you know, LA to New York. And it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Um, I was sitting there and a flight attendant came up and said, Hey, um, there is this man sitting like five rows ahead of you. And he has this, these religious reasons why he can't like sit sandwiched between two women. And we're trying to find ah to somebody to replace one of the women so that he can be comfortable or whatever. And I was like, well, I don't want this lady to be uncomfortable. I don't want this guy to be uncomfortable. No big deal. I'll switch C same C I'm still going to be in the aisle, whatever it's fine. So and I don't want to ruin the story, but couldn't you have just switched with the guy? Couldn't you have just had the guy swap out? oh No, because I was sitting next to a woman as well. Okay. I don't know. so I don't know why this was happening to me. anybody gotten their period I was like in my head. I was like, I can make this social situation easier for everybody by just switching seats. Not a big deal to me, um but I switched seats and the man had
00:05:38
Speaker
the worst body odor I have ever smelled in my entire life. And ah the fight from LA to New York, I got to remember how long it is, like seven hours or something. It was yeah a nightmare. Yeah, I had a ah L.A. to New York flight and I saw this woman come on the plane and she had a dog with her, not in a but carrier or anything, just like, you know, free free roaming dog. And I was like, no way, she's not going to sit right next to me. Lo and behold, she didn't, but she got moved right next to me somehow.
00:06:09
Speaker
And I was like, are you kidding me? So the whole flight is just this dogs right next to me. And I don't mind dogs, but like on a flight in this small spaces and and it was very active. Oh, I would have been excited. Yeah. i like you about I was not having it. i When I get on a flight, I want to be left alone. I don't want to have someone's dog running around my legs. I'm just, but you know what I hate even more is a child sitting behind me. i can tell sure Well, it depends. There was one child that must have been studying some sort of m MMA.
00:06:43
Speaker
but It wasn't sitting behind me, but Erin has the worst luck. She'll just get kids that are behind her just punching like, yeah like all the things. And there was one time I had to stand up because Erin didn't want to. Uh, and I had to turn around and say, Hey buddy, you're going to have to have your kids sit down. you feel yeah Relax. I took a flight um back from New Zealand and my ah sister, is ah she has a crazy amount of frequent flyer miles. So does her husband, like crazy from work. So they upgraded us all to the lay down seats, which was like, that's not how I fly. So I'm back from going coming back from New Zealand on the lay down flights. So like these rich bitch seats. And i I travel, like I blow my nose a lot on planes. So I travel with a roll of toilet paper, like a classy woman would.
00:07:35
Speaker
And I was sleeping in my seat in like Uber first class and the flight attendant comes over and like wakes me up and goes, um, when you stole that toilet paper from the bathroom, um, what did you do with like the inner role? And I was like, I, I, I, and how am I going to explain to her that like, I brought this on, but I was like, no, I didn't, I didn't take it. I brought this on with me. And she goes, it's fine. and walked away and I was like, what? She didn't believe me that I didn't steal. You gotta start putting a little carry on tag on it. Yeah.
Comedy in Unexpected Places
00:08:24
Speaker
All right, so at this age, I don't know if anybody's told you, but you're going to start having different things happen with your body. And it's important that when you're doing gym class, you all use deodorant. So ah what I'm requesting you all do is go home and ask your parents to provide you a general deodorizing stick. Does that make sense? Yeah, sure, coach. Yeah. Okay, good. All right, coach. Yeah. You see, because you can smell how musty it is in here in this locker room, right? I don't know. I don't spell it. You guys, it seems regular. You guys don't smell that? No. It smells like locker room, coach. Yeah, it's locker room. Well, yeah, but not all locker rooms smell like this. You guys are kind of... Coach, I don't want to... Are you sure it's not you that smells?
00:09:09
Speaker
you Coach, I got two older sisters and I'm wearing their secret. It says it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman. But, so it's not me. It's totally not me. And I'm an old spice kid. So, you know, I've got, i my parents go to Sam's club. They bulk up, you know? I had a bicycle accident where both of my glands were removed so I don't produce sweat at my armpits. Okay. And you're sure that you don't you don't make any armpit sweat? They took the glands out. Oh, okay. I guess it could be me. I i i i don't know. I mean, I guess it could be me. Coach, you smell like coach. ah paul Like coach? Yeah. Yeah. Like you've been fine coach. hello who ah Oh, shit. This is really embarrassing. Damn it. I had a feeling you guys were too old to need the deodorant discussion. Hey, coach, how many locker rooms have you been in?
00:10:03
Speaker
Well, I've been here, I've been at this school for over 10 years, so it's been a while since I've been in a different locker room. Well, hey coach, I ain't no like smart dude, I can lift heavy stuff, but hey coach, make maybe this locker room smells like coach.
00:10:20
Speaker
Guess it's possible. Oh, shoot. You know what? This is probably why I can't seem to get, ah you know, any relationship status. Inappropriate. We're not supposed to talk about that.
00:10:44
Speaker
Sweetheart, your father and I think it's time. We're ready to remove your armpit glands. Okay. Your father will be conducting the ceremony. And it's it has absolutely necessary to do this to get into heaven? It's necessary. God doesn't want you to smell. That's not what he made us for. That's right, Gregory. It's absolutely necessary. We're gonna have to cut those bad boys out. I just, I just don't know why you guys didn't do it when I was a baby. Why did you wait for me to be so old? It's a rite of passage. It's a rite of passage for everyone in the ah Smithson family. Yeah. And you have to become a certain age and then we're just going to snip, snip right out of you.
00:11:29
Speaker
and you And no one who has glands in their armpits gets into heaven. That's for sure. That's 100%. That's documented. that is a That's a provable fact. That's right. You know what? Your grandfather, as a matter of fact, did not get his removed. He did not. Burning. He's burning. His soul is burning in eternal damnation. Deep us where? Hell. He's in hell. He's in the bad place where they do bad things with bad people who don't get their glands removed. Okay, I'm ready. Yeah, I'll do it. All right, go ahead and lift those arms up. I'm gonna get the chainsaw ready.
00:12:04
Speaker
You're doing great.
00:12:14
Speaker
You didn't have to lie about it being a bike accident. Like, if you're part of the team, you're part of the family. And whatever religion you have, that's enough for right guys, everybody. We support him and his religious choice to not have sweat glands. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, totally, Coach. Totally, totally good. It's just as I got older, I realized that, you know, we were kind of a niche religion. It wasn't really, like, catching on in other places. yeah Yeah, my main concern here, and now, like I said, not very smart, can lift heavy stuff, but I have been watching a lot of Law & Order. So, ah wouldn't the the people benefit that go to hell without sweat glands? You know, because they wouldn't sweat much. Yeah. Wow. Well, it does make a lot of sense. No, I don't, I think i think it doesn't, but if you don't have the sweat glands, you don't go to hell, you go to heaven.
00:13:09
Speaker
Sure, sure. Yeah, I get i get that part. but like would Wouldn't it be beneficial for like me if I were to convert to you or religion and whatever? um I would like to go to hell without the sweat glands, so I wouldn't sweat so much. No, but if you convert over, you don't go to hell. Well, you just listen. I'm really, I'm really interested in this religious backdrop and I'm hoping to find a way into heaven myself, but we're halfway through the game, guys. And if you guys don't win,
00:13:44
Speaker
They're probably gonna get a new coach for
Coaching and Team Dynamics
00:13:46
Speaker
next year. And no matter how many sweat glands they they ain't gonna take my tear ducts. You're gonna see me cry right here in the locker room.
00:14:03
Speaker
Excuse me, I was just I was hoping you could switch seats with me cuz I'm seated next to another woman and I feel like if I sit next to a woman for too long, it'll make me a lesbian I don't I'm not a lesbian. Oh, that's fair. That's fair. Let me see if I can let's see if I can find another see Okay, do you mind we have a and forgive me, but you seem like a trash person Would you mind sitting in that where we have all the garbage that you don't have to worry about being next to anybody? So like do you think I'm like one of those people who's like personality is trash or just like a person? like Okay, so okay, no, okay, so I feel misinterpreted. I don't have anything against lesbians. I just have a lot you want I i didn't think you did oh my gosh that would be so rude of me i just think you'd be very comfortable back here look at this we'll put these bags out of the way here you could just lay down okay i guess that that's the other option i don't
00:15:03
Speaker
Oh, hey, hey, hey, look at that old Ted. Somebody's back here. Sorry, Ted. She doesn't want to sit next to any women because of the obvious issues that could bring up. Oh, yeah, become a lesbo. Hey, welcome to the trash station. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Just around the house, whenever you can slurp up. Oh, wow. Just the dregs of... Okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'd be careful not to filter any of this stuff. So if there's any seatbelt sign, you guys... We got wine. We got orange juice. We got champagne. You're not supposed to go inside those shelves. Okay, well, if the shelves fall out and they're in the trash pile, then they're part of the trash section, my guy. Okay, well, let's be reasonable. So if the seatbelt sign comes on, I want you to grab each other and hold each other tight. Is that fair?
00:15:49
Speaker
Um, it just, I guess I worry that we might become involved in a romantic relationship and we functionally marry. Dead fly solo, lady. Come on. He had all of his sexual clans removed. Oh, okay. they there's no There's no sexual clans there. That's terrible motorcycle accident. Otherwise, I would have absolutely brought you to a different scene. I just think it's safe next to him. I'm sorry, I hate to interrupt. I know there's a lot going on here. I'm just i'm sitting next to a dog and i don't i' I don't feel comfortable because I might be aroused by the dog. Welcome to the trash section, my boy. Come on, i can that's how you. can just move on here I would love that because I cause i don't want to have to and don't want to have to get into that on the plane with the dog.
00:16:32
Speaker
You are in the right place. Just move that bag inside and sit down. Come on. oh that Wow, this is comfy. You can lay down back here. This is nice. Drinks are on the house. We got ginger ale. we got those drinks those are Those are still in the shelves, okay? You can't open those. It's that free rein to all of the beverages back here. And this little this handle, that's the door. This handle?
00:17:05
Speaker
No, you go. No, you go. OK, fine. Oh, OK. Sorry, these. No, it's fine. It's fine. You go.
Modern Dating Woes
00:17:15
Speaker
I had I had my. ah My eye glands removed, so I have a hard time seeing people on first dates especially. I understand. yeah yeah major it Oh, well how are you? had my salvatore salatory that's the words out so salvatory glance removed so I have I have no moisture in my mouth. We're all looking for salvation in a different way. Speed dating is fun. You just learn so much about
00:17:40
Speaker
So many different people here. Cultures like, Oh wow, your, religions your face is really hairy. That's sorry. This is how I see that. Oh, that's fine. It's true. It's, I am covered from head to chin and hair. So wow. All right, speed eaters. Same's up. Mark your cards. Move on. Oh yeah. It was, it was nice to be here. Great.
00:18:04
Speaker
My name is Melanie. I don't have any stomach because I had my stomach removed, but I had anal glands of a canine put in. um A little bit about me. I tend to read all of the instructions on the back of soup cans, microwave, stovetop, you name it. I've read it. What else can I tell you? The daughter of parents. I was born by parents. What else can I tell you that would interest you? How about a little bit about you? Oh, well, I'm just excited. That's it. Moving on. I really want it from me. Nowhere about those. Move tables. anal glance
00:18:52
Speaker
Help me. Help me. I've been trapped in this speed dating for weeks. I just need to find one match. hu i You look perfect. Let's get out of here. ah Hold on. Let me find my scene. Aye, dog. He's around. We don't have much time. They're gonna change. They're gonna change. Here, hold my hands. Tell them that you picked me. Oh, wow. Tell them that you picked me. Hands are really hairy. All right, speed daters, time is up. Next table, mark your cards. So nice to meet you. Don't forget to mark your cards.
00:19:37
Speaker
I've never been on speed dating, like I've been a lot of dates before I was married. Has anyone ever been on so a speed, like I've done speed dating at all though? Only improv scenes, only improv scenes. Yeah, only ever at improv. it's like It's like a classic improv thing, but I've never done it. So my experience of it is just really fictionalized, but real dates Man, some some good awkward ones for sure. I i went out one time with this girl and ah we we actually didn't even go out. She just like invited me over. This was kind of, I guess, one of the upcoming Netflix and chill era. And she invited me over to watch The Room.
00:20:14
Speaker
Did you all know? No. but ja low or no What's the Tommy Wiseau room? Okay. Yeah. um So we started watching it. I had never seen it. And and then we just started making out. and got more intimate as it went on. And by the middle of the, you know, the middle of the movie, I don't know what's happening in the movie because we're being, we're engaged in intimacy. And I've, I don't know if I've ever, ever still ever seen the whole movie because I'm just like triggered by. It's some amazing. I've seen the, the, the, the, the, what's the disaster artist, a which I feel like is a great representation of the room.
00:20:57
Speaker
I don't know if I've ever wanted to go back and watch the rest of the room. ah the worst The worst date that I ever had, it's I think it's the worst date. There was no follow-up. But I had moved to California. I lived in a building with 25 people. It was a house. And I lived in a garage with five guys, but the building had 25 people in it. And it was a wild time to be alive and in Marina del Rey. ah And there was only one time I brought a girl back to my apartment. So the garage? Well, there was a communal like yard. There was like a communal yard. It was a very nice place, but there was 25 people that lived inside the place of all very sorts. This sounds fictionally crazy. i mean As an adult now, can you imagine what that garage smelled like?
00:21:47
Speaker
It was bad. I ended up moving. Also, the garage was in a cul-de-sac, so people would be speeding around. Like, when I was sleeping, my head was next to the garage door. That's not what a cul-de-sac means. A cul-de-sac is the roundabout, right? Yeah, but it doesn't mean people are speeding around. It usually means a quiet ride. Well, people would be ripping through and it would sound like they were going to plow into the garage, but that's not even the story. So i I got one girl to come over and we didn't even make it inside. There was a guy that was hanging out outside and, ah
00:22:21
Speaker
he was He was, I guess not a recovering heroin addict, but he was ah he was using heroin. um And we came there and he was talking to her and then he just leaned over and threw up and then continued talking to her. And we hung out and then we I had like gotten a bottle of wine and we were going to hang out there. But once that happened, I was like, well, we can't stay in the front yard anymore. And I never brought another girl back there. Her name was Sarah. She was so sweet. And she never spoke to me again. yeah That was the right call on her part for where you were at that time in your life. I mean, I was 21 years old and I had used Craigslist to find a place and they were like, do you mind sharing a room? But they didn't say. It's $8 a week.
00:23:10
Speaker
It was $300 a month and it was six blocks from the ocean. So it was pretty cheap. 300 bucks a month to live in a garage, six blocks from the ocean. ah Then there was, yeah. i did last I don't remember the circumstances that led up to it, but I ended up at a party in one of those apartments that's right on Venice beach. like like right looking at the ocean. And you would imagine that those would be very nice, but it wasn't. It was like the scusiest punk. I felt like I was back in high school. I was like, what is happening right now? And I don't even remember how I got there. Um, but I just remember being there and being like, this is like a different planet. it
00:23:51
Speaker
what What are all these people doing here? Why does it smell like this? Like, why does it, why is everyone here like 30, but it looks like a 15 year old decorated everything. Like it was crazy. Uh, and, uh, yeah, five guys sleeping in a room reminds me of, of that apartment wild. that reminds me of a recurring nightmare i have where i'm my current where i'm my age now but i'm in a dorm and i like live there with a college age roommate i'm like oh my god what am i doing this is fucking crazy and then i i don't know it happens all the time it's bad
00:24:41
Speaker
So yeah, this is a place I, you know, I'm getting my own place pretty soon, but, you know, this is a place I'm just temporarily staying. So don't, don't, don't judge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I just wanted to, you know, come by and, you know, just see if we're gonna hang out. Yeah, I wanna watch a video, like maybe a movie video. Yeah, totally. Do you have anything with like a bear? Oh, yeah. Any bear movies or videos or like a YouTube clip of a bear? Yeah, I do. I have the bad news bears. You ever seen that one? Yeah. Yeah. It's not really bear, it's a baseball team, but it's... You're funny. Thanks. You're so funny and you're so good at math.
00:25:31
Speaker
Yeah, I know. I've been doing the math thing for a while. This is Gene, by the way. Don't mind him. Hi, Gene. Oh my God, that's so funny. Hi, Gene. Hi. Yeah, I've never heard that one before. I think Gene and I are vibing. Oh, Gene and I have a thing. Would you like to go in the yard and engage in intimacy? Yeah. All right. Gene, come on, man. I just, I just, you know, I just matter. Hey, I can't help it if I'm just giving off pheromones. Yeah. You're not giving off pheromones. Okay. I'm giving off a vibe, whatever you call it. You're also, you're also pantless. So, you know, well, maybe those are my vibes. What the frick is going on, man? Every time I go in there to,
00:26:20
Speaker
Hey, what? Hey, what's up? Oh yeah. Me too. I'm into you too. What? Colin, this is my date. yeah colen What's up, Shannon? Hey, o what are you doing? Just a second. Which one of you guys took a shit, clogged the toilet and didn't plunge it. Oh, that's my bad. Colin. Oh, whoa. That thing was a log. Wow. Wait, like girls do duty? Wow. Yeah. yeah what What do you think? What do you think the food waste goes, Jean?
00:26:56
Speaker
ah Well, I've never seen a girl eat really. You've never seen a girl eat. No, I don't watch much television. That's not how, all right. That's fine. and Listen, these are my, these are my roommates. It's like I said, it's temporary thing. wow so Wait, you're moving. bri we We were just starting to find, I just, I'm looking for my own place guys. I'm sorry. It's just, wow you guys are all vibing. Maybe I should go. There's a thing happening. It's just a little weird because we have 28 more months on this lease. Yeah, it's a mistake. I clearly should not. I got some sausages and cheeses and I just wanted to watch you eat them. You would have watched her eat? Yeah, I don't believe this whole girls eat stuff. You guys can all watch if you want to.
00:27:46
Speaker
Oh, man. shit we Probably should not. Yeah, I met Shannon off of Craigslist. So, you know, it's just one of those deals. I was i was just trying to... Shannon, I'm sorry. I was just trying to hook up with you. We've got to get that toilet fix before we start stuffing our full of cheese again, you know? Colin, I don't...
Family and Social Pressures
00:28:25
Speaker
Shannon, your mother and I are ah really hoping that you start settling down with somebody. It's just Shannon, you're well over the age that you should spread your wings and move out. Yeah, early thirties, not late thirties. It's okay. No, not late thirties. It's okay. It's not late thirties. It's just, are you taking relationships seriously? Yeah, posting ads online on Craigslist.
00:28:56
Speaker
I'm saying, hey, Dottie. Hey, Dottie. Oh, it's just a bunch of ohs. Oh. Shannon, that's not how your mother and I met. Your mother and I met by, you know, going out and meeting people. It seems like all you ever do is put Craig's... I'm sorry. Craig's list adds up that... Are you telling him how we met? I was just about to tell Shannon how we met. Tell her how we met. I'll tell her how we met.
00:29:30
Speaker
So we both used to ah you know sell a lot of stuff to pawn shops. Tell her about the pawn shops. I'm telling her about the pawn shop. So we would you know we'd you know be scavenging and getting stuff from areas and then bring it to the pawn shop. And obviously we saw each other quite often. yeah And we would get repporttore a repertoire. A repertoire. yeah We just in passing, so we can tell her about the repertoire of trash we found and tried to pawn. Yes, I'm getting to that. So we would find sometimes be digging through the same kind of trash and tell, oh, we had two sides of the same thing. And then we looked at each other's eyes and it wasn't startling. Cause we'd already run into each other. The pawn shops over and over like that. That's not scary.
00:30:19
Speaker
And then we decided we would do our thing together. Tell me what I'm saying. Tell me about when when we did our thing together on that heap of trash. that's I'm just about to say that. And then on that heap of trash, we you know how babies are made, right? Yeah. This is basically, that's what happened. and And we would have never had that if we weren't out there living in our lives. I was there, man. i I don't want, I think that I was there. ah Uncle Ted was there. ah Uncle just by formality, not actually family, name but yes.
00:30:58
Speaker
It ain't blood. It ain't blood. It's honestly that's i love a mu is love. That's family. So what you got to do, Shannon, is you got to go out and find your passion and trust that you're going to come across your soul mate and your Ted somewhere out there. I was dead silent. They were just doing it. I didn't say nothing for a long time. Tell him, honey, tell him how Ted said he removed my sexual glands, but then he didn't really. i So Ted said that she took, it's, you know, the truth is. You know, the game got your nose. yeah It was got your gonads. And it's, I don't, the truth is is it wasn't real. So I don't like that part of the story. He didn't really have our gonads. But I really said that. Yes, you did. It was funny at the time. We all had a good laugh. That's how we met.
Strange Stories and Confessions
00:32:01
Speaker
Alright, so you're trying to you're trying to pawn this chainsaw that you said was words used in a religious ceremony? Is that what I get here? is that the That's right. You're trying to pawn this? Alright, so it's got sentimental value, huh? Yeah, it was used to remove my glens, in fact, when I was young. and Okay. All right. Let me take a look at it. This is a good chainsaw, you know, Craftsman. It's nice. You know, 20 inch blade. Yeah. 150 CC 20 inch blade. Nope. It's good stuff. I mean, I, I give you $150 for it. Um, I was, I was really hoping for a little bit more. Uh, it's kind of important that I get this money. What do you, need what do you need the money for?
00:32:45
Speaker
um I, I need gland surgery. I need a gland. They got to put the glands back in. Apparently it's really unhealthy to remove your glands. If you don't need to remove them and I've been backing up with a bunch of different sn stuff. So, I mean, I got a bunch of stuff removed during the war, you know, so um I'm doing fine. Yeah, that'll probably work. So I'll take the one 50. Yeah. One 50. Yeah. All right. Wait, wait, wait. yeah How much does that Katana disc Katana? Yeah. Oh, this Katana special. Oh boy. Let me tell you one, the one you for the Katana chainsaw for the Katana chainsaw for the Katana. All right. One kiss. I'll give you a kiss. One kiss, firm kiss on the lips, the chainsaw for the Katana. Okay. All right. I like the cut of your jib.
00:33:36
Speaker
yeah Let me get this, let me get this down here. Let me get my lips wet. Oh, so they don't want to move your Salvatore Glens. No, just the armpits. It's good. Okay. You ever kissed a man before? Oh yeah. Cause I've been in a war. I don't want to take your man lip virginity or whatever it's called. No, sir. I'm just making sure you're experienced. What are you 30, 32? Yeah. 32. All right. Yes. Cool. What were you in? What war wasn't I in? That's a better question, you know? I mean, i mean we're always at war. Yeah. Every day. Every day is a war for you, for me, for this katana, you know? i Just give me the kiss. Give me the katana. I got to get out of here. All right. Here we go. Oh, wow. That was nice. That was really good.
00:34:38
Speaker
All right, we've saved the OR room for you. Do you have the down payment for the gland surgery? I don't, but I... I got this! Okay, okay, put it back. listen Put that down. Listen, Doc, you're gonna do the surgery, all right? That's some sort of sword? Yeah, well, it's specifically a katana, like the kind of samurai I would carry. Okay, okay. And you're just gonna hold that to me unless I give you a glance? I didn't really think about that part. i Can you do it while I'm awake? Can I do the surgery to you while you're awake?
00:35:14
Speaker
I guess I could. It'll be painful. Can you please take that away from my neck? What are you going to do? The surgery? Absolutely. Sure. I don't want to lose my head. Oh, it's that's it's bleeding. It's worse than a paper cut. That's right. That's right. Can you do the surgery or not? I'm going to do this surgery. just Stop cutting me. Okay. All right. So these pig glands here are going to be just as good as human glands. That's right. All right. I just got to massage them to get them ready for the armpits. That feels good. Got to loose them up. Okay. All right. Put your arms over your head. Okay. One at a time. Left arm first.
00:36:01
Speaker
Okay. And this is a, this incision is either going to tickle or it's going to hurt. All right. i Oh, it hurt. It hurt. Didn't take a, it didn't take a lot. That hurt. That hurts bad. Oh God. oh All right. Well, it's bleeding. I was awake. I'm going to use my thumb to put this gland in there. Hold on. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I got it. Oh, so it up, so it up, so it up, so it up. Oh, it feels like poison inside of me. Hopefully it takes, hopefully it takes. You don't want to reject this pig land. I don't reject it. I accept it. The devil is inside of me. The other side go right side. That's your arm. Okay. Tiny incision.
00:36:51
Speaker
Wait, what the hell? Sometimes it tickles but stop.
00:37:00
Speaker
No, I mean, I'm having a great time on the date. I just, I i i just i don't know how a unrude way to say this. It's like you smell like bacon, but in a bad way. Is that rude? I'm sorry. I smell like bacon because, um well, I come from a family. i was raised I was raised by pigs. Oh, I feel like that was really rude of me. I'm so sorry. i know You know what? It's not rude. It was honestly what it is. It was attentive. Thank you. um I'd love to hear more about how this familial situation came to be. Well, it's ah you know how how humans and chickens are like 99% the same? Yeah, absolutely.
00:37:47
Speaker
Pigs and humans are 99.9% of the same, right? Oh my god, that's almost the same. It's pretty much the same. My parents, my parents were both pigs and the odds of them having a human baby were astronomically low. But given a long enough timeline, it's bound to happen a few times. Wow, you're really good at math.
00:38:27
Speaker
It's embarrassing to bring a woman back here to this pigsty, okay? and
00:38:36
Speaker
You guys don't act civilized. I want to hang out with people that are or a little bit more sophisticated. I'm going to say that about your family, your family. Mom, it's not fair. You guys have hoof hands. People don't like that. The way that you eat disgust a regular human comes in. oh yeah I don't know the disappointment to you aren't we please don't we don't uh hey welcome uh sorry about your untimely death uh looks like uh you know i haven't seen this one very often how you were crying in pain and then uh you died of tickle uh just let me uh just let me check the records real quick uh it would be at you and you are your name
00:39:42
Speaker
I'm gone. Yeah, OK. Hey, yeah yeah, yeah, we got you here, Colin. um Again, sorry about your your untimely demise. Colin, just it just raise your hands real quick. Just let me check under. the Yeah, a little higher. I need to see your armpits. Wow. ah
00:40:03
Speaker
Those are pig glands, right? Yep. Yeah. Well, I don't have my glands. Sure. Yeah. That, that good. Good. loop um but got all Right. Well, but ah that's, that's not a kosher. you You got, you got pig glands in what's what said which co kosher. It's not kosher. I don't know what that is. So it's not low the teachings that I read. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, if you, you know, like, if you have a hamburger with cheese on it, that's, that's two different delicious. Yeah. yeah Oh yeah, absolutely. And you can get all of those in here, but when you're on earth, that wasn't really a thing or if you have like, uh, cheeseburgers everywhere, everywhere went their cheeseburg is sure mostly what I but not, not a, it's one of those like, do not pass code and not collect 200 sorts of deals. So we don't have any cheeseburger
00:40:54
Speaker
former eaters in there. We've got current ones, but I'm sorry. We're just going to just going to have to send you downstairs. it It's fine. It's it's a lot better than people think. Oh, honestly. um But it was nice to meet you. I just kind of went through a lot. I really thought I'd done, you know, everything my parents told me I did. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We we get that excuse a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. All right. I guess I'll just turn around. Bye.
00:41:34
Speaker
Did anybody here ever work at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf? Uh-uh. No. I worked at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf for 10 years. What are the chances of that? It's like, you know, it's a coffee shop. It's probably the third most popular coffee shop in the area. But everything at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf is kosher. Now in order for that to be the case, they actually have like a rabbi come in and bless the fridge. They bless the microwave and you're never supposed to use those equipments with your own things brought from home. I was always a rule follower and when I became a shift supervisor, I never let it slip.
00:42:15
Speaker
But you couldn't stop everybody. It was like playing whack-a-mole trying to get people to follow the rules. And that people would be putting their ham sandwiches in the microwave. And it's it's insane. But at the same time, you got to think to yourself, well, ah if you are paying people minimum wage to work at a coffee shop, are you really going to expect them to follow these, in their opinion, arcane rules? So the truth was is they just were lying to people. They knew damn well that stuff wasn't kosher. And there, I broke it here on the podcast. But it's been well more it's been more than 10 years since I worked at the coffee bean. But it was at every single coffee bean. They would allegedly, because they say everything on there is kosher. And if you use those equipment the equipment that's there, you're breaking those rules. i don't I don't know if that statute of limitations helps you, James. Kosher laws have been around for quite some time.
00:43:09
Speaker
No, I totally agree. I agree. Well, i in all fairness, I did everything that I could. I really was following those rules. But there was huge, shit like I probably worked with, you know, 40 different people in my years of working at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. And you know how many people of them cared? Just you. well and i then it was just just There's probably like four other people that I came across that thought it was important. but wait Did you actually see like a rabbi come in? and Did you witness the the the process? I didn't witness it now because i was there was only one shop because it was allegedly something that happened like ah when they would open the store.
00:43:48
Speaker
they would open the store and have this process happen. And then they would have them come by, but I never saw them come back a second time. kind of mix The only place that I saw open, I was at the opening of the a coffee bean and tea leaf that was the first drive through. And what a nightmare is it it is to hand people hot beverages out of a window. James, want to let you know that you're in rare fried company. You're surprised that none of us had worked at the coffee bean and tea leaf, but I've done the math. It's about 0.003% of the US population, if all employees were from the US have ever worked at the coffee bean and tea leaf.
00:44:28
Speaker
Not very good odds that if you just pick, you know, five random people that one of them have been. But where we all lived in California and that's one of the minimum wage jobs that like an actor or somebody trying to make a hustle could take. You know how many times I tried to get a job at the Starbucks and they were like, no, no thanks. Really? Yeah. I don't know why. Is it because I was like, asking questions immediately like oh hey just just out of curiosity am i able to work just like three shifts a day and they just like you know a day clear or no no sorry always yeah that's nice your problem the notes were probably like super charismatic looks like a union organizer
00:45:26
Speaker
over your resume now and it looks like you might be overqualified. That's great news. You could get a job pretty much anywhere ah except this is too too small a job. I do not want a job anywhere. I want to work here. You see, the complication is is that if we were to train you and put the money into getting you on our staff, you'd probably find a better job somewhere real shortly after. It'd be a waste. You are missing the point. I do not want a better job. I want this job. Okay. Well, there's a this is typically a job for people getting out of high school. You look like you must be graduated from? A doctorate program, yes.
00:46:14
Speaker
Yeah, something of, the you look smart. You look way too smart to be here. Look, I mean, don't make it too obvious, but look at the look get the staff behind me. Yeah, yeah. Shannon's been working here forever since she dropped out of high school. and Do you really think you want to be on the same shift as Shannon? She seems like very nice girl. Yes, I would like to work with Shannon. Okay, well, this is what I'll do for you is if you'll promise to work here for a year and sign this contract here, I'm gonna slip this over to you, give me one year, then I'll take a risk on you. Wait, I have to work here for a year before you'll let me work here? No, no, no, no, no, no. Before I hire you, I just want an agreement that you're not gonna just get the job and then leave, you need to stay for a year. Agreed, yes, I want the job.
00:47:09
Speaker
Okay, all right, then just sign right there. Thank you. Okay, and this will be your apron. Thank you. And I don't usually start off so quickly putting a name tag together, but what would you like ah your name tag to, you don't probably want to give your last name out because- Yes, my last name, Dr. Dot. Dr. Dot? Well, there's a period after the doctor. I just want to make sure you know that. Oh, I'm sorry, I wrote Dr. Dot. Okay. My bad. I, I, my bad. I'm not. Okay. Start over. Wipe that down. Okay. Dr. Dot.
00:47:44
Speaker
deep art
00:47:54
Speaker
Hi, Dr. Dot. I'll be training you. Shannon, first, let me say it is very nice to meet you. I'm so happy to be working with you here. And I am excited to learn from your experience. Yeah. um You put the milk in the cup and then you put the ice cream and with that and then you shake it. And that's how you get the milkshake. You put in the milk and you shake it. That is Shannon. Hello. ah Who do I have to kill to get service around here?
00:48:28
Speaker
I can help you. Oh, hello, total stranger. I've never seen in my entire life. Hey, yell hello. Take it easy.
00:48:41
Speaker
I'm wearing a sarong. Hang loose, dudes. Welcome, Venice, Californians. Everything is normal. Everything is cowabunga here. Hello, Mr. Doctor Period. What is cost of one grand day meeting place underground tomorrow at 3 p.m., but with decaf? Oh, it's not on the menu. It's not on the menu. Oh, no, decaf on menu. That is wild, crazy town.
00:49:15
Speaker
maybe you should leave and then oh oh like a loose leaf like a tea that sounds delicious i will try loose leaf tomorrow 4 pm maybe it's better
00:49:33
Speaker
Okay comrades, the infiltration process is working very, very well. Now report on your findings of the Americans in the coffee and tea departments. First of all, I would like to say this place is great. Oh my goodness. Thank you very much. I thought I was ordering decaf, but wow, I am so like wired. I'm thinking like eight different things at one time. You're not supposed to partake in it, Boris. You're not supposed to partake in it. Oh crap, I was trying to. I did not want my cover to be kablooey. Do you know what I mean? Oh no. We are going to be found out because of your insolence.
00:50:05
Speaker
Oh, well, i I put no sugar in it. Why will I need insulin? No, that's not what they're saying. That's not a... Oh, my God. I am having major problems at work. What is the problems? It is Shannon. Shannon? Oh, she's so attractive. I don't know how know how you do it all day. We are, as Shannon says, fiving. You're fiving with the American? How does your apron hide your... you are cookkin well Oh, I have it taped down with the extra apron strings. Oh, you're supposed to be... You bring your own tape to work, yes? Yes. You must bring your own tape to work. Never steal the tape from the Americans. It's bad tape. Never. They will accuse you. I learned phrase over here. If you cannot fix with duct tape, it is not meant to be fixed. I'm American now. Look at me. Oh, Boris, I'm going to... Aintan on surfing bird, yes?
00:51:00
Speaker
i'm going to have to remove your sexual
00:51:20
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post-audio engine and sound designer, Tori Falcon U, and our incredible Patreon supporters, who help me afford this creative journey. This is episode 98. We got 99 coming in next week and we will top it all off with episode 100, which was recorded live at the Denver Chaos Balloon Theater. I'm so excited. And then we're going to take a little break already. Brace yourself.