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Original Understudies - EP 94- Waffle Iron
127 Plays1 year ago
This episode's suggestion is "Waffle Iron"
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Tess McCarthy -@BrelaMay
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Jake Regal @JakeRegal
Jacki - @TackySchwarz
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Rob Gamble - @GobertRamble
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Original Understudies
00:00:10
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Original Understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestion.
Improv Suggestion: Waffle Iron
00:00:24
Speaker
Our suggestion today is going to be Waffle Iron. Let's introduce the improvisers first starting with...
Personal Anecdotes and Social Media
00:00:32
Speaker
Rob Gamble, are you able to hear us? Yes, I am. Can you hear me? I saw you messing with your headphones and I figured this would be the best time to find out. No, just wanted to mess with you a little bit. Cool. So what's been going on in your life? You want to share anything for like a certain food that you think people should go or?
00:00:49
Speaker
promote yourself on social media? I'm really thinking about Thai food this evening. I don't know why, but I feel like Thai food is a good thing to go with today. So if you're listening, you should probably get some Thai food. What would you suggest ordering at a Thai restaurant? Oh, I always go with the rice or I go to the pad thai. One or the other. That's where your standard is. If they have good rice or good pad thai, they have good other things.
00:01:12
Speaker
I don't know. I feel like rice is never going to be as good as the noodle. The noodle is good too. The noodle is rare. All right. Thanks for being here, Robert Gamble. And next up, Jackie Schwartz. Welcome back, Jackie. Where would you like people to find you online?
00:01:27
Speaker
You can find me at Peci Shores with the T and Y on Instagram. And I want to talk about a Thai food. I saw a TikTok recently about a restaurant that they get wild shrimp and then they fry the whole shrimp and then they toss it in chili oil. And then it's like you can eat the whole shrimp shell on. What? Wait, isn't that bad for you? Like, can't you choke on the shell?
00:01:55
Speaker
No, no, the shell is like so, cause it's a wild caught shrimp. And so it's not a farm shrimp. I don't know the difference, but apparently there's a shell difference. And this time, this time the shell's thin enough and then when it's fried, it's like a.
00:02:11
Speaker
like a crunchy, you're not going to be in trouble. Just anytime I have shrimp and have something crunchy, I'm going to think it's the shell. It is the shell. In this case, it is the shell. It's just that you can eat it. It's just that you can eat it. It is the shell. It looked really good. A lot of TikTok is just me watching people make stuff at restaurants I'm never going to eat at.
00:02:35
Speaker
Oh, okay, let's introduce more improvisers. Tess McCarthy, welcome back Tess. Hey, yeah, thrilled to be here. Thanks for being here. Where would you like people to find you? Listen, you can find me on the internet at B-R-E-L-A-M-A-Y, Bray Lemay, it's my middle name because my parents are hippies. And when I have Thai food, if I'm going noodle, I'll go pad-C-U, but I love a Thai curry. Like, come on, that on rice, cheers. But you can have the curry on the noodles, right?
00:03:05
Speaker
I'm not putting curry on noodles. Oh my God. Hey, who sets these rules? I gotta go. You know what? If you guys don't hear me on this podcast, it's because I'm going to think about curry on noodles and what that means for my future. Erin feels the same way in it. I just, I'm so confused. I never knew there was a rule that you can't have curry on noodles. Wait, no, stop. James, have you ever been to Cozy Noodle in Chicago?
00:03:30
Speaker
Maybe it was cozy noodle area. Yeah. Yeah, it's right down the right the Belmont area It's a Thai restaurant in there that has Pyongyang curry noodles And it's the best thing ever must be where I eat it because I've just always thought you could have curry on it It's the best thing ever. No one does pinion curry on noodles except for them hurry and it's so good. It's perfect It's the perfect way to eat it and only they know And me and you and everyone listening
00:03:55
Speaker
And the longest stretch I've gone without seeing Jake's beautiful face on these Zoom calls. Welcome back, Jake. How have you been? I've been okay. Yeah, I took the last month just to refresh myself. You might think I look a lot younger now. That's accurate. You thought it was the Zoom filter. This is real? This is real, yeah. I've been mostly sauna-ing for the last month. Nice. So...
00:04:21
Speaker
Maybe my go-to Thai order is khao soi, which is, amongst other things, curry on noodles. Oh, I don't even know what that is. Khao soi is a northern Thai specialty. It's like a really homey meal. It's kind of a curry base, but it's got a lot of pickles and then crispy bits. It's got a lot of texture play. It's really delicious. I recommend it. You get to play with your food.
00:04:46
Speaker
If I go to a place that doesn't have a lot of Northern Thai food, I'll just get like pad kra pao, keep it nice and simple, a classic. And you could, oh, I also started using TikTok, like earnestly. You did. I never did before, but I'm trying it in my 30s. So you're making some TikTok videos.
00:05:02
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Making is almost too strong a word. I just start recording myself doing little monologues, basically. But at RIG 2000, R-E-E-G 2000 is me on TikTok. Nice. So I mostly just watch stuff on TikTok. I don't watch cooking videos. I watch
00:05:26
Speaker
And we were just talking about this yesterday because there's that Apple commercial with the crushing that's on. People are talking about how they're crushing instruments. But I watch like things being crushed in red hot balls being dropped into items. That's fun for me.
00:05:46
Speaker
What was the question? Do you ever watch plants growing really fast? No, I feel like that's in that category. You should look them up. There are some guys who do some great time-lapse plant growing. Time-lapse stuff is nice. You're going to get that in your algorithm now.
00:06:02
Speaker
like there's different kinds of like there's also the chewing up gears one where they'll throw like a bowling ball in and eventually even a bowling ball will get chewed up by these gears or watching the hydraulic press press the bowling ball because like it nothing changes until everything you just you hate bowling I like seeing everything broken like there's weird things that they have like golf balls try to think of something that was
00:06:30
Speaker
the strangest, there's like some stuff that seems like it would be soft, that the hydraulic press seems to struggle with more because I think there's a shatter point, like a glass bottle isn't like gooping down, but it just like blows up and seems really easy. The soft stuff's where it struggles.
00:06:50
Speaker
But that's, the soft stuff is what struggles on the inside. What a metaphor. What a metaphor for life. It's the soft stuff that you struggle with the most.
Waffle Iron Adventures
00:07:01
Speaker
Wow. I mean, I imagine at least half of the people here, when they think of Waffle Iron, it just thinks of doing tour shows and waking up at a different hotel where you have the, on the best occasions, your buffet, you can make your own waffles.
00:07:15
Speaker
The waffles that you can make in like a holiday and express buffet or one of those are always the best waffles. Like if you try and recreate it at home, never very good. Like I have a little waffle press and every time I've made waffles, I'm like, eh.
00:07:32
Speaker
Could be better. That could go to the holidays. Did you leave your batter out for a week around a rotating group of strangers? That must be right. It's got an air rate. I think it's got an air rate. It's got a mix in with the environment a little bit. It's got to get a little bit of a little dirt, a little grit in there. So it's got to be touched.
00:07:53
Speaker
It's got to be touched by multiple hands. I had one the best holiday in express waffle iron that I ever got to use was in Texas because they had a Texas shaped one and you can make a Texas shaped waffle. Yeah, I've never seen one shaped like and it was still the same one where like you put it in and you flip it over and it has the timer.
00:08:14
Speaker
And it was like the same batter that comes out of a machine and you pour into a Dixie cup and then pour it onto the thing. It was the same setup, but it was a Texas. It was a big, at the end, you got a big Texas.
00:08:26
Speaker
It works. The panhandle's not too small on Texas. Like an Oklahoma waffle would be kind of hard to enjoy. It wound up being a really big waffle because of this. You know, it's more than I actually wanted that day. Too big. And you couldn't split it either way. I think a Hawaii waffle iron would be nice with just one big circle in the middle.
00:08:47
Speaker
I shot an ad recently that featured a waffle iron for an unnamed large food delivery app, let's say, but they wanted to advertise that you can get like all of these different ingredients to make a fun meal. And the fun meal they made us have was a ramen grilled cheese made in a waffle iron. Like in the waffle iron, you'd put bread.
00:09:16
Speaker
bread, cheese, like a lot of cheese.
Comedic Improv Scenes
00:09:22
Speaker
I thought the ramen was going to be the bread, but there's bread. No, the ramen's within, the ramen's within and you've already like cooked and like put velveta on it. It looked horrendous. It looked like one of the most disgusting things you've ever seen. And then we all took a bite.
00:09:37
Speaker
I was like, God damn, this is good. This is really good. So you can really do anything with a waffle iron if you just believe in yourself. Cheese and ramen. It's kind of like curry on noodles. People are putting cheese and ramen down. I'm seeing a lot of them. Chip choc. Lots of cheese going into ramen.
00:10:06
Speaker
All right, I'm gonna try to make this myself, but all this stuff looks really dirty. Honey, let me know if you need any help. I know you wanted to surprise me for Valentine's Day, but I get a little worried with you in the kitchen. I know, I've been looking through the stuff that you have in your kitchen. Did you realize how unorganized you keep your kitchen? Well, I know where everything is, so that's fine.
00:10:32
Speaker
Okay, well, go back to bed. I want to surprise you. I want to surprise you. Oh, okay, that's fine. I'll just go read on my Kindle.
00:10:41
Speaker
Hey mister, you're gonna wanna shut this window. We're about to dump the sludge. Wait, what is that? It's the sludge. It's the weekly sludge. We're about to dump it. You're gonna wanna shut that window. Looks like it goes into your kitchen. Okay, just actually don't dump the sludge yet. Okay, we can't stop the sludge. It's on a timer. You got 10 seconds to shut that window or the sludge is gonna come in. Okay, I'm gonna shut the window. I'm gonna shut the window. Okay.
00:11:10
Speaker
Honey? Honey? I'm so sorry, I forgot to remind you. You remember my apartment was so cheap because of the weekly sludge dump. I didn't remember that. I don't usually wake up here. It's just much easier at my place. I know, I know. Well, and I like to come to your place because well, there's much less sludge.
00:11:30
Speaker
I don't think I should make you food. Let's just go out. Oh, but you were so excited. Let me see what you've got to work with here. Okay, you've got some ramen. Okay, that's nice. Call back to college. You've got some- What are you talking about? Call back to college. Some curry, some- Wait a second. What do you mean call back to college? Just a lot of people eat a lot of ramen in college. I eat a lot of ramen. I love ramen.
00:12:00
Speaker
Okay, no, that's really normal for an adult man. Yeah, okay, good. I was just worried for a second. It almost sounded like college was a bad thing. Not right, here comes the sludge. I can't focus with them jumping. Just don't look at the window. It bubbles up towards the window and a little bit's gonna get in. It's probably illegal. They shouldn't be dumping that here. Just don't breathe through your nose and it'll be fine.
00:12:28
Speaker
It stinks. Even with the window closed, it stinks. You have to admit it stinks. But God, the rent is cheap.
00:12:38
Speaker
It's because something illegal's happening. I'm not, I'm not getting, we can't cook here. We can't cook here. I don't ever want to spend the night again. I am sorry. So my apartment isn't good enough for you, but you're going to go home and drink cups and cups of ramen like a 19 year old college student. Oh, please. Oh, we got a little bit more sludge. Oh, that hit the window. That hit the window. Sweetheart, I hate to throw you out in the sludge, but I think it's time for you to go.
00:13:05
Speaker
Oh, no, no, not yet. Sorry, that was a lot of more sludge. Can we at least wait for the sludge to be over and I'll go? The sludge don't take three days. Three days? You're stuck here all weekend unless you want to walk through the sludge like the young college-scuse little boy taking classes at a college that you are. I'm Major Life Studies.
00:13:37
Speaker
All right, Sludge Scoopers Union, it's time for our weekly meeting. Now, some people in the city are saying that our jobs aren't necessary. Oh, come on. That's silly. I know. I know.
00:13:52
Speaker
There's nothing more necessary than a weekly three-day dump of sludge, right? Yeah, well, did they understand that if we don't dump the sludge, the sludge just keeps building up? Like, what do you think? Like, the sludge is just gonna disappear on its own. Only worst thing to the sludge dump is a sludge buildup. All right, all right, all right. What are we gonna do with all this stuff? What are we gonna dump it at, huh? We gotta get rid of this. We gotta get rid of this quick.
00:14:21
Speaker
Hey, boss, I got an idea. Oh, you know a place? I got an idea. There's an apartment block with some pretty big apartments, you know, like they're not they're not super cheap. They're not super. They're kind of fine. You know, like anybody would would be OK living there, but let's make them cheap. Oh, I don't know. I don't know if that's such a good idea. We can't be we can't be like putting this stuff around people, you know.
00:14:51
Speaker
Come on, come on and make it. Some people will be upset. I understand that, but some people might turn into X-Men. This is, this is some like radioactive stuff. Okay. We can't just like putting this near people, babies, animals. We don't know. They could, they could morph into crossbeats or something.
00:15:08
Speaker
Yeah, they could molt, they could molt, they could grow, grow, grow, you know, limbs. They could become extra cool. All these things do sound like cooler humans than like just people living their everyday lives. All right, all right, all right. What helping people? My boss has been my on my ass about getting this stuff away. So wherever you think is good for me, I'll go with it, all right?
00:15:34
Speaker
Senator, thank you for meeting with me today. The voters have a lot of questions for you. Your experience as state comptroller, then district attorney, then finally state senator has been very impressive to voters. And yet, they still have questions. What are you going to do about the sludge?
00:15:58
Speaker
Well, that's a valid question, and as you said, I've had a litany of jobs that I think uniquely qualify me to deal with the sticky black stuff. I only listed a few of them, but I'd love to hear a few more of your past jobs that qualify you to work with the sticky black stuff.
00:16:17
Speaker
Yes, of course, and I will have to move quickly. The sludge is up to my ankles. Of course, I briefly worked at a Target mega store specifically in cleaning up the extractions of children, vomit and other things that move on to the next one. It's up to us.
00:16:38
Speaker
Yes, of course. I then briefly worked, of course, as a mascot for a minor league baseball team, and they were the slammin' sludges. And so I became familiar with sludge from that perspective. Of course, we know them, Senator. It's up to your waist now. Speed it up.
00:16:54
Speaker
That's right. I would like to live past today, so I must move quickly. Yes, okay. Of course, politics, you name some of my political jobs and aspirations, but I was briefly a representative for a sludge district, a district where no humans lived because it had been overrun by sludge. I represented their interests unofficially.
00:17:15
Speaker
Senator, we got to do something with all this American maple syrup. It's not selling as well as the Canadians, but I think we have a zoning problem that you can help us out with. Here's $100,000 and we're hoping to dump it all next to this apartment.
00:17:32
Speaker
Oh, I'm not a scumbag. I don't just take a bribe. Senator, look it. OK, you're up to your neck and then all this sludge. Literally and metaphorically. Yes, this is American maple syrup. OK, we cannot sell this to anyone. OK, the Canadians aren't having it. All right. Our neighbors to the south aren't having it. All right. We got to do something with it. We want to throw it all next to this apartment complex. OK, it's a nice family apartment complex.
00:18:02
Speaker
We're thinking maybe we could create some kind of mutants with superpowers with it. All right, so it's as much in a science experiment as it is political corruption. Well, it's a fun angle for me. Sure, science in the name of science.
00:18:23
Speaker
Now, I don't want to startle you, sweetheart, but look at this tiny finger that's growing out of my palm. Huh. It's smaller than a pinky, and it's... I don't know. I think I like it. I mean, it's definitely different. I don't remember seeing that tiny finger before. Oh, hey, you've got a strong handshake.
00:18:53
Speaker
Yes, I do. Oh, what is that? Sorry, that's my my my my teeny pinky. Oh, I don't I don't. I didn't particularly with that. That was my bad. Yeah, that was real unpleasant. It's it's still I'm excited about this interview. I think that it's going to be I'm great fit for the company.
00:19:16
Speaker
Uh, you know, um, we just filled the position. I mean, I just walked in for the interview. What do you mean you fill the position? I just got a, what's that? Barbara? Yeah. Yeah.
00:19:38
Speaker
Sweetheart, please. I know you love your teeny pinky, but it's ruining your life. It's part of me. You can't find a job. We haven't slept together in months because I can't stand to look at it. Come on. It's just the tiniest, cutest pinky finger. It's my body and your body shaming me. Everybody's body shaming me. The more I look at it, the more I'm repulsed by you. You know what? I wish I had two teeny pinkies. Oh. Oh. Please, please, put it away.
00:20:08
Speaker
Alright, I'll go to a doctor.
00:20:16
Speaker
I see you having problems there with your pinky growing out. Not personally, but everybody else does. Well, I am a doctor and that's why I came to you. Ever since the past few months, people have been coming to the office with different body parts growing out of them. Look, I have a head and some arms growing out of my chest right now. Got a real total recall situation going on, if you know what I mean. I mean, that sounds great. An extra head? Is it?
00:20:44
Speaker
Like, do you get to use both of them or somebody else? He actually gives me solid medical advice sometimes. Here, here, I'll let him. I'll let him. He'll give a he'll give an answer to your problems. Go ahead there. Go ahead there. Try morphine. Oh my God. It just kind of hangs here and can't lift itself up. No morphine. Yeah, he loves morphine though. I'll tell you why. Like I just kind of dangles on your shoulder.
00:21:10
Speaker
Yeah, well, you know, he gives sound advice. And if he says morphine, I'd go with that. I guess, but why? I just, I don't know. I'm not in pain. I just, I was trying to get rid of these teeny pinkies. Yeah, Dr. Funchez, thanks for coming in for the meeting. We've got to talk.
00:21:37
Speaker
Your tiny head, I don't know if he has a name, but he's really disrupting patient care and we need you to have him. No, no, no. This is my buddy. This is like my personal assistant that I have growing on my arm now. So like I would appreciate it if you weren't prejudiced towards the people that have been growing extra limbs and arms. See, I'm not in the room. I'm right here. I know she's very rude. Sorry, did you say she?
00:22:05
Speaker
Yeah, no, you. You're being very rude right now. Oh, excuse me. OK, this is an appendage. This is a part of me. Mm-hmm. Well, it's almost a hip o' violation to have someone else in on patient appointments. Oh, yeah. I'm so strong out on morphine. I don't hear anything. Two doctors. He's a doctor, too, technically. I mean, he's a part of my body, and I went to medical school. OK? I swore myself in. Oh, boy. All right. I'm sorry. This is over.
00:22:37
Speaker
Help! Help! Is there a doctor on board? This man's having a heart attack. Is there a doctor or anybody on this plane? Is there a doctor? I'm a doctor and so is he too. Uh-oh. Is there any other doctor? Any other doctor on board? Not this doctor. That doctor will do what's wrong. This doctor's hideous, please. Let me get you another doctor, sir. He's got a thing. He's got with a whole thing on his arm.
00:23:04
Speaker
He's got great sound medical advice. It's like having two doctors in one. I don't want an ugly doctor. I mean, get away. I think he's probably going to touch you with his nasty arm. Like, you don't want that. You'd rather die, yes? Yes. OK. Is there another doctor? Anywhere, is there another doctor? I'm a doctor of philosophy. That'll work. Please help us. Before the inevitable comes to pass. We have a medical degree. We can help you.
00:23:41
Speaker
Oh, we never got a suggestion, by the way. I don't know if that was on purpose or not. No, we didn't. Oh, it did. I miss that. That's why we just started talking about why we thought we were just talking. Oh, my gosh. That's the best kind of organic. There you go. I took the tick tock. I dropped the press and the ooze and brought it back to the wall. There you go. Kind of. Yeah, I think so.
00:24:04
Speaker
Yeah. And waffle iron could also be, you know, you could be inspired. I was going to start talking about eye pressure and needing more surgeries, but I'll spare you
Waffling Decisions: A Personal Struggle
00:24:13
Speaker
all. And instead what waffle iron, you know, sometimes waffling. I have a real hard time. I want to blame it on being an improviser, but
00:24:25
Speaker
in like committing to a choice. I'm a waffler. I like to be able to change my mind up until the very last second. And it annoys my most loved ones around me. I identify with that a lot. Like in terms of like day-to-day plans. Yeah, day-to-day plans like, let's go for a walk. And then like, I ended up busy or I don't know, just...
00:24:43
Speaker
Trivial stuff, but I'm not one that like, I can't commit to something. I also will always leave when I'm like committing to an activity, like a window of me being able to exit out. Do you get solo now?
00:25:00
Speaker
I have FOMO. That's the thing is I always think somebody's having more fun somewhere else without me. Then I'm missing out on something fun. I yesterday went to a grocery store and was just I circled the grocery store several times because I couldn't decide what I wanted to have for dinner today. It wasn't even yesterday's dinner.
00:25:22
Speaker
outside or inside? No, no, I was inside the grocery store. I like to think that you stood outside the grocery store and decide. I was going to block this route.
00:25:41
Speaker
So what did you decide, what did you end up doing? You just circled, so you didn't pick anything up until you knew what you wanted to make? Yeah, because I was like between a few options and I was like, well, I want something that I can have leftovers to take to work on Friday.
00:26:00
Speaker
I ended up making the most boring choice. I did get a frozen pizza because I never, like this is the first time I think I have purchased a frozen pizza on my own. I just never do that. So I was like, that could be fun. I guess. What kind of pizza did you guess? There was plate.
00:26:16
Speaker
It was a Trader Joe's, so every brand is the same. So it should have been easier for me to make a decision. That's part of their value prop, right? It's like few choices, but it's still too much for me.
00:26:39
Speaker
Do you have, have you heard of the term girl dinner? No. Oh, I love girl dinner. What is girl dinner? Girl dinner is just my whole life now. That's like, I don't make decisions. I just eat small bits of little things. Like for the last week or so, I've had like two chicken wings, some green beans, like a little side salad and a handful of cashews. And I'm like, and that's my meal, but I feel good, feel good about it.
00:27:08
Speaker
I love going there because it's all about what feels good to you, you know? I just fill my plate with things. And it's just like unrelated things. I haven't cooked a full meal in a very long time, I feel like. I might not even fill a plate with things. I might have some on a little plate, some on a paper towel, and some just scooped up in a mug.
00:27:31
Speaker
But I could do that, too. I could do that, too. Yeah, that's that's how I kind of had girl breakfast this morning. I had a piece of avocado toast and then I had a couple strips of prosciutto and three shrimp. Wow. I have ghost breakfast. Ghost? What's what? Ghost breakfast, I said. Oh, and that I don't I don't eat breakfast. There's nothing there.
00:28:09
Speaker
And just so you know, we saw that you ate three grapes when you were in the store. So I'm just going to charge you for the minimum amount, which is 0.1 ounces. Grapes, there we go. Do you want to put your card in? No, could you take that charge off, please? The grapes? Yeah, could you take that charge off, please?
00:28:30
Speaker
See, you have you have to know, oh, but this is a thing. Ralph's policy is that I can sample anything in the store. Well, and that's how I can make a decision. And you do have that policy written on that plaque right there, like right here. I mean.
00:28:46
Speaker
Okay, if that's the way you want to approach it, but I just want to let you know that there are some officers outside and they're expecting to bust you. I'm just trying to... Excuse me, because I know my rights. I know my rights. All right. And I have the right to follow whatever directions that one puts on a plaque, including grocery stores and such.
00:29:08
Speaker
and I am able to sample according to this plaque right here that was in your grocery store in this establishment says that I am able to sample and and to my content and if I want to sample if I want to take that sample and make it a grape then it's a grape sir
00:29:27
Speaker
okay I'll take the charges off but I'm telling you those officers outside they're vigilantes is the problem is they don't necessarily go by the book so I and I see what you're saying like you're absolutely right this plaque it's misleading they just think that you've abused the policy and that's why they keep pacing out front you're not gonna know unless you say something are you gonna tell these vigilante cops that I ate the crepes
00:29:55
Speaker
Uh, Reynolds, did you pick up on that girl in there, sampling grapes? Oh, I cannot wait until she comes out here. Yeah, I'm already warming up that swinging arm, you know what I mean? Oh, I know just what you mean. You mean you're gonna come for sure. Should I just stole my car? Could I get some help? Hey, hey, we're on a case right now, all right? We are all kissed. Don't come up.
00:30:16
Speaker
We're focused. We got a target. We've been circling this store for hours, just waiting for someone to really abuse the sample policy. She's eating three grapes. I noticed that you've been just doing laps around the store. I didn't know if you were like specifically cops for the store. I just need some help.
00:30:36
Speaker
You expect us to stand still when we got a case on? There's no way, Buster! We've been waiting for months, for months for this, okay? Nothing's gonna pull us away from this nothing, alright? Alright.
00:30:50
Speaker
Frankly, your problems are unimportant to us. You see this badge? It was not given to me by the city of Los Angeles. It was given to me by an online course by a very popular YouTuber, okay? That means I don't have responsibility to you. Yeah, and I got a certificate. Look at this.
00:31:16
Speaker
Dad, does that mean we just have to walk home? What are we going to do with our groceries? For a little while, yeah. So no more piggyback rides, because I'm going to be giving a piggyback ride to the food we'll be eating for the rest of the week. My legs are tired, Dad. Look at that loser walking home. That's one of the YouTube officers.
00:31:42
Speaker
Yeah, I think that he's off duty now and decided to, yeah. Oh, look at you too, bless your heart. Here's a dollar, bye-bye. Oh, she gave us a dollar, dad. I am not too proud for that. If that happens 27,000 more times, I can get us a new car. What do you think mom's gonna say when we come home without a car?
00:32:10
Speaker
Um, hopefully she'll be understanding and respectful and not say that's the last straw and leave me like she's been threatening to do for years. Dad, I can't carry these bags. Can you also carry these with those on your back? It's too heavy. Okay. I'll be the martyr.
00:32:35
Speaker
Anthony, I said don't come back unless it's in our vehicle.
00:32:43
Speaker
And I didn't understand what that meant at the time, but now I do. I said, unless you are strapped in with our son to our vehicle of which we have the ownership of, I do not want you coming back. I thought you were being so needlessly concerned about something that was totally irrelevant. But here I had, we had a beautiful Toyota. A beautiful Toyota.
00:33:11
Speaker
It was one of the prettiest toy orders I have ever seen. A Corolla hybrid? Come on. You can't get those. You can't just get those anymore. All right. There's a huge recall. The engines are blowing up. We had one of the ones without a blown up engine. So is this it? I think this is it.
00:33:31
Speaker
You know, I was about to give you one last chance. I was going to give you one last chance. And I thought as long as he comes back in our car and can I stay here with you? I think you're going to have to go with your father. I can't look at you. You look too much like you. Oh, you take after him. OK, well, that that would have been one of the more difficult parts of the divorce. So I'm glad that's figured out.
00:34:02
Speaker
All right, I've taken it off of your receipt, so good luck outside. Um... Did you... Um... Do you want me to add it back on now? You're having regrets. No, I want to keep it that way. I was just wondering if you could get his head a race match.
AI and the Future of Shopping
00:34:19
Speaker
Price match? And I wanted to do a price. These are drop dead prices. What here do you want me to match? I was at Aldi and you sent you a price match. We do, but I doubt Aldi has cheaper rates than us. These are drop dead prices. Well, I'm pretty sure. Like, let me look it up on my phone real quick. You guys just hold on for a second. Yeah, there's a line building behind you. Let me just look it up on my phone.
00:34:47
Speaker
Her ice cream's melting. Well, this is this is the problem, right? You got rid of all of your cashiers. He has gone all greedy, got rid of all your cashiers, and now you just have you have those little like robots that won't let you check out everything. So whose fault is that? Capitalism. Ralph can check out anything as long as you don't have to weigh it, OK?
00:35:14
Speaker
Please place bags in bagging area. Yeah, I did that. I did that already. Can we just set the bags there? Scan, first item. Okay, here we go. All right, I've already done this. Are you an idiot? Sir, are you having any trouble over here? I'm not, I could do this, all right? This is a self-checkout. I'm perfectly capable of handling a self-checkout. Any idiot can check out themselves. Okay, thank you. First item, pocket tarts. Are you sure?
00:35:42
Speaker
These aren't Pop-Tarts, okay? I didn't... Pop-Tarts, these are granola bars. Granola bars still have a lot of sugar. Can I get some help, please? You already told me you didn't need any help. Yeah, I know. He said you didn't need any help, so... I'm one of those people that don't need to be told twice.
00:36:05
Speaker
OK, look, I'm sorry. OK, this this machine is really aggravating me right now. OK, can you just can you just help me check out properly, please? Maybe you should have thought about that before you dismissed me like a servant, like a sir. I am not your servant, sir.
00:36:21
Speaker
I'm a paid employee. I'm so sorry. I'm the manager here and I see what's going on. And let me just say, I am so thankful that my employees are finally standing up for themselves and claiming the space that they deserve. Look, I just want to check out with these granola bars, okay? Keep saying that they're pop tarts and I just need some help, okay? And this machine is criticizing me and it's not helping me. Oh, you needed some help. You needed some help. Why did you say the exact opposite? Gaslight much?
00:36:50
Speaker
This is a self-checkout line. I think I'm capable of handling a self-checkout line. This machine is obviously broken. You know what, sir? I think you're just taking up space. You're taking up space right now from others who don't have a problem. Do you see what I'm saying? You know what? I'm not even going to pay for these. I'm taking them out of the store. I'm leaving them and I'm walking out of the store now. Goodbye. Good day. Good job, team.
00:37:25
Speaker
Ralph, I'm wanting to pitch you some amazing self-checkout registers with some of the most advanced AI, Ralph. You've got a big supermarket business, don't you? Yeah, I do. And everything's working pretty well already. I mean, I don't see how you can make the best better.
00:37:47
Speaker
Well, here's the thing. What if we had an AI that helped guide the customer to getting good needed groceries? I'm listening.
00:38:00
Speaker
That was the pitch. That was it. Hey, Ralph, listen to me over here. What if we opened like four gas stations in Pasadena? Yeah, first of all, sorry to my first appointment. I'm taking my 11 p.m. and my 1130 simultaneously.
00:38:20
Speaker
This, I flew out here from the East Coast. It's like an efficiency thing I'm doing it. Bezos wrote a book about it. Anyways, what if we combine these? We got gas and we got AI. I want smart gas in my stores.
00:38:39
Speaker
Yeah, maybe like the gas pumps talk to you and they say something, you know, they're like one of those restaurants where they kind of razz you up and make fun of you a little bit. They can say stuff like from getting gassy.
00:38:52
Speaker
Yeah, yes, like that. But listen, both of you are getting promoted. You're both my VP of innovation now. That's incredible. I wasn't expecting that. I own a company I was trying to pitch, but now I've got a VP position. Yeah, forget about your other company. You belong here at Ralph's. Welcome to the screen.
00:39:36
Speaker
for our out-of-town listeners, Ralph's Kroger's in Los Angeles. Just a fun fact. Yeah, and so there's like three gas stations in Pasadena that are Ralph's gas stations and they are owned by Ralph's. And they have to deal with the Costco ones? You can use your Ralph's card to get like a discount. They are Ralph's gas stations. And the shell too. I think they're like paired with shell too. So you have to put in your number and then you get the discount for like 10 cents off or whatever for gas and shell.
00:40:06
Speaker
It's interesting. I don't like these companies getting too interconnected. Like Netflix is trying out games now or Amazon trying to be quick and everything. I like it. I like it when one company eats all the small little companies, just eats them up and has all the stuff. Because you know what? I like stuff in one place.
00:40:32
Speaker
I just can't wait till we can just use Amazon Bucks to buy everything that we need in the world. Pay our rent with Amazon Bucks. What are you guys talking about? That sounds like a terrible future. I love it. I like walking into any just old store and they have an Amazon counter. Best thing that ever happened to Kohl's is that they have an Amazon counter. You can sit down and use an iPad and order stuff off Amazon.
00:40:59
Speaker
That's a store, baby. I love it. I love it. I'm like the exact right age where I was a teenager right when the internet realized it could start to harvest data from people.
Privacy and Tech Concerns
00:41:11
Speaker
And so I was like 17 and I'm like, take it. I don't need any of my personal information. I'm never getting any of that back. Every meta and alphabet and all of those companies know every last detail of my life and they never won't.
00:41:26
Speaker
As we've been compared to like the Lex Luthor of our life, you know, like Jeff Bezos was pretty much taking over very slowly everything. And like, you know, he's got like, you know, workers have problems, you know, with their work environment and stuff like that. And it just keeps getting bigger and bigger and he keeps getting richer and richer and nobody's doing anything about it. And as much as I complain about it, oh boy, two day free shipping?
00:41:52
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Come on. And he's like Santa Claus, too. Well, the problem is you can't you can't stop once you get like real like a real big fat cat. Once you're now this big fat cat with all the money and all the stuff like you got to keep on that momentum because if you stop, now you're a cop. Like even if you stop a little bit now, you're funny because the other companies are going to jump into like Walmart. It was like really late to the party. And they're like three years ago, they're like, hey, we
00:42:20
Speaker
do all this too when it was everybody's like cock. Yeah, that's really what all these big box stores are after is not being the cook. I tell me tell me they're not. Look at look at what's going on and tell me that's not what it's not just one guy basically being like, well, I'm really big and I don't need this anymore, but I need I need to save face.
00:42:46
Speaker
Yeah, that's a thing too. It's Jeff Bezos. Everybody knows that. It's not, there's no like Walmart guy. There's no like whoever else is the big company out there that they're competing against. This one guy is like the head of everything out there. So it puts a face on it too.
00:43:02
Speaker
Yeah, slight change, but not much. Have you guys heard about the neural length thing that, uh, that sign me up? Did you hear what happened today? Apparently it's not been that long. I don't know how long it was since it was quote unquote installed, but the, like the, the things that connect to the brain, uh, the like, uh, wires, uh,
00:43:27
Speaker
came off of the brain and they got loose and they're no longer attached. Detached is what it was. So the sensors are no longer attached to the brain and they gotta be reattached. Yeah, I mean, his cars break when it snows. I'm not gonna let him put things in my brain. I will. I'll do it. I'll do it right now. I'm not doing anything that interesting that I wouldn't do that.
00:43:51
Speaker
Right. Yeah. As long as they fix it, like, you know, if it like, you know, if it jets off and does its own thing, just like make sure like we can, I don't know if I can go back in and fix it in a couple of weeks. It's just, at that point, it's just like a boob implant. It's just floating around there, just not doing anything. Original understudies.
00:44:22
Speaker
Wake up, wake up. The surgery went fantastic. Okay. Where am I? You're still in the doctor's office. We did the surgery. We made a slight mistake. Wait, where are my arms? Where are my legs? Where's the rest of my body? Yeah, see, that's the thing. The rest of your body's where it should be. It's just that you're sentient.
00:44:48
Speaker
We accidentally implanted into a boob it was supposed to be it was it was a mistake Okay, don't get an attitude with us. You don't get arms legs or a body, but you're a boob now What what size am I?
00:45:04
Speaker
I don't know about two hands. You know, it matters. I don't know. It's kind of hard to tell. It's just kind of a cup size. Am I? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's about maybe. I don't know. Let's see. I think it's smaller than a basketball. I don't know. It's without it being a baller than basketball. What are you saying, doctor?
00:45:32
Speaker
All right, we'd like to welcome Christine back into the office after her procedure. Hi. We need to have an immediate HR meeting. Oh, what's the problem, boys? I'm just back after my procedure. Jeez. Oh, man. That's very distracting. I know. I haven't looked. I don't know what everybody's distracted by. I'm just, I don't see anything different.
00:46:03
Speaker
Um, OK, great. That might be the tact we take. Everyone feign ignorance that there's ascension breasts. All right, everybody, I got the coffee. Whoa, Christine's got huge debts. I know what you're talking about. Listen, there's no reason I should have to discuss my medical information at work, OK? Let's just go about our business. Well, Christine, you're going to put an eye out with those.
00:46:31
Speaker
OK, it's not about them being larger. That wasn't that wasn't what I was talking about. That makes me seem like a creep. Yeah, I didn't see it either. I have no idea what what. And I don't see it either. I think this one's communicated with me telepathically. Yeah, is it the people living inside them? Is that why everybody's upset with them? Because I always upset with the size.
00:46:54
Speaker
Yeah, no, I guess it is the small community living in Charlie within my co-worker's chest. Those are just brine shrimp. Those are brine shrimp. And not that I see them, but I know sea monkeys when I see sea monkeys. They're not little people. They're brine shrimp.
00:47:19
Speaker
So we're getting a lot of flack from the lady that we turned into a boob. I'm going to probably need to get a new identity, new doctor's license, and we're going to have to close shop here. I knew this is such a bad idea. We should have never done this. We should have never listened to Elon. That's the game we play. That's the game we play. He promised us. He promised us there would be no problems. That this test ran perfectly. And now look at us. We're having to scrounge around and look for new jobs.
00:47:49
Speaker
Hey, Becca from Legal here. It's best that we not use the words promise, boobs, or medical anymore. That was all part of the settlement. We can't use any of those words.
00:48:04
Speaker
What do you suggest, Rebecca? What do we do? What do we do here? Legally, I understand, but illegally, what can we do here and get away with? Well, my job is your legal consultant, so I'm definitely not going to advise you on what to do illegally. That's really outside my purview.
00:48:22
Speaker
I don't want to sound like an asshole, but we didn't hire you for that. We thought as a legal consultant, you could help us do illegal things and get away with it. So it feel like I've kind of blown some cash on a useless employee. I went to law school for immigration law. I thought I was going to help people. And here I am. Thinking about going to the Cayman Islands. Can you migrate us to the Cayman Islands?
00:48:55
Speaker
Hey, Mr. Musk. Mr. Musk, I got a proposal for you. I got a proposal. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to solve all your problems. I hear you got problems with boobs and implants and yada yada, all that. Yes. So my company has least recently acquired a large amount of sludge.
00:49:21
Speaker
Are you familiar with sludge? That is the thing coming up to my waist. Yes. No, we could just take that sludge and make it all disappear by dumping that sludge in, you know, designated locations where these mistakes happen. Okay. I like it.
00:49:46
Speaker
Hi, excuse me, excuse me, Mr. Musk, your interlink was set to German. Let me just, I just need to stick a paperclip in your ear. See if they're friggin' again. Okay, no, no, we're gonna go, you've moved from South Africa and back to raised in Western culture, America. Buddy! Oh no, I've killed the Elon Musk.
Elon Musk's Sludge Solution on Joe Rogan
00:50:24
Speaker
Welcome back to the Joe Rogan experience. We got our guest today. Elon Musk is back with us. He's always a fan favorite. Elon is introducing a new product. It's called Sludge. He wants to implant with everyone. And from what I've seen in the research, everything looks great. Elon, do you want to elaborate?
00:50:42
Speaker
on this a little bit. Yes, I would be happy to elaborate on what I've been working on. So the implants have been fantastic. They have not affected anyone's speech patterns or ability to cognate. But we thought it would be fun if we did a hyper localized large dump into one person's apartment, you know, create a new X-Men. Yeah, that sounds promising. Everyone loves the X-Men.
00:51:10
Speaker
I got pinky toes. I got extra pinky toes too. I think I'm gonna grow little tiny pinkies all over my body, sweetheart. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Oh no.
Improv Conclusion and Farewell
00:51:20
Speaker
I know you didn't want me to come back here with these pinkies, but now there's a bot store. I was having such a nice dream and you woke me up into a nightmare.
00:51:29
Speaker
Oh, come on. Look at what I can do. I can I can hold extra grocery bags as I walk. I got elbow pinkies. I guess that's true. And my mother always did. You better shut that bedroom window. Here comes the slush. Oh, no. Let's leave it open, baby. Really? Let's leave it open. But then I do just like you. Uh-huh. But that's that's what you wanted all along. Uh-huh.
00:51:59
Speaker
There you are on the slide! We already dumped it!
00:52:27
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post-audio engineer and sound designer, Toyo Kunio, and our incredible Patreon supporters, who helped me afford this creative journey. If you'd like to support the show, you can go to patreon.com slash Original Understudies. And if you'd like to have your suggestion used to inspire the show, go to OriginalUnderstudies.com
00:52:56
Speaker
If you'd like 24 hours a day, seven days a week streaming of episodes and different kind of sketch comedy, go to twitch.tv slash Original Understudies TV. And last but not least, if you're in the Denver area on June 15th at 8 p.m., Original Understudies will be doing a live recording at the Chaos Bloom Theater. I sure hope to see you there.
00:53:24
Speaker
I'm waiting around this place.