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Original Understudies - EP 84-Thrift Stores
144 Plays1 year ago
This weeks suggestion comes from the website, my new favorite place to get
suggestions. Please leave some sort of a name or calling card so I can acknowledge you... None the less, todays suggestion is Thrift Store... I don't know who suggested it
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Amy Bury - @bury0007
Chad Reinhart - @ChadReinhart
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Rich Baker - Richbakercoaching.com
Landon Kirksey LandonKirksey.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Improv Setup
00:00:08
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Original Understudies, where I've gathered the world's most original understudies. And we're going to perform some improv comedy for you based off of your suggestions. Today's suggestion comes from our website, originalunderstudies.com, where you can put a suggestion into the little box. If you do, go ahead and throw your name in there. It doesn't need to be a sentence or anything, but maybe just something to be like, you know,
00:00:34
Speaker
Hi, I wrote this suggestion, but no complaints. Let's introduce the improvisers.
Guest Introductions and Social Media
00:00:40
Speaker
Starting with Rich Baker. Welcome back, Rich. How are you? And where would you like people to find you? Well, thanks for all it's always for having me back, James. That was a lot of fun. I'm great. And if people want to find me for improv classes, first free, first drop in is free and it's online so you can do it from anywhere. richbakercoaching.com or follow me at richbakercoaching on Instagram and Facebook.
00:01:03
Speaker
Cool. And Amy Burry, welcome back, Amy. Where would you like people to find you online? Well, now that I know that TikTok may be going away, I am suddenly... Is it? Well, you know, there was maybe possibly a ban passed and it may be banned. So now I'm all in on TikTok. So find me on TikTok. Amy Burry won. I think that's it.
00:01:32
Speaker
Nice. I'm fighting it.
00:01:34
Speaker
And Chad Reinhardt, Chad, where would you like people to find you? There's a parking lot at where Culver and Venice meet. It's this raw stress for less. I'm going to be handing out marbles and modellos to recently graduated college students. Oh, thank God. I thought you were going to say high school and I'd say that's illegal. Oh, yeah. They got to be 21 if you're getting free beers in a parking lot from Chad. Well,
00:02:04
Speaker
especially at the Ross dress for us. Yeah. And Landon Kirksey. Welcome back Landon. Where would you like people to find you? Well, hi James. Uh, well, people can find me on the Instagram. Uh, as long as that's not banned yet. Um, that's Splandon S P L A N D O N. Uh, rarely post anything, but you know, you can check it out if you want. And Johnny Marfa and the lights for the hottest country band in Los Angeles.
00:02:33
Speaker
Oh, is that this Saturday night? Oh yeah. Every Saturday night, the old desert five spot. Nice. Nice.
Thrift Store Experiences
00:02:41
Speaker
So here's today's suggestion. It's, I don't know if it's one word or two words. It's written as one thrift store, thrift store.
00:02:51
Speaker
I don't know if you guys are big thrift store fans, but I used to live by thrift stores. Now I'm, now I go to Costco sometimes and get clothes. But I used to be really adamant about only buying stuff at thrift stores. Did you have good finds? Like, is that the, like, were you there to just like, was it utilitarian or were you like, I'm going to find cool stuff at the thrift store?
00:03:17
Speaker
The truth was is I was really poor, but I would say that I didn't want to support like all of this stuff because I was, I was like a really good guy. But the truth was it was a mixture of big clothes. You don't want to support big clothes. Is that what it is? Kirkland brand only. Yeah, exactly. I'm principal. Damn it. I'm going to be at Costco.
00:03:40
Speaker
I lost my principles, but in Hollywood, I feel like you kind of can in the LA area get okay deals on some nice stuff. But the truth was is when I started going on tour, some of these thrift stores in the middle of, I wouldn't call it nowhere, because they're like Lincoln, Illinois, for instance, it is
00:04:01
Speaker
seemingly in the middle of nowhere, but the thrift store, I bought some amazing stuff that looked like it was brand new, handcrafted stuff at a cheap price that lasted forever. I grew up wearing a lot of, in like my teen years, I would buy, you know, what I call the vintage, but it was like Goodwill clothes. And I, yeah, I loved that stuff. It was, I'd go like get old grandpa sweaters and stuff like that, that still smelled like werthers and dust and like,
00:04:30
Speaker
wear the shit out of those things. I did have one teacher who called me out on it in class to embarrass me because I was talking. I was always talking during his class and he was the one who he started using snowflake before like Republicans started using it. You know, like that guy, he was like, there are only two people in this world that think they're special and they're murders and serial killers. And I was like, those are like the same thing, but like,
Candy Conversations and Comedic Scenarios
00:04:59
Speaker
okay.
00:04:59
Speaker
And he would always pick on us and I got caught talking in his class and he was like, Amy, get out of, go sit in the hall or maybe go buy some more clothes at Goodwill. Oh my God, that's pretty bad. Sick burn. Shots fired. Wow. And you melted right there. Yeah.
00:05:20
Speaker
like a Werther's like a Werther's or or it's no I I still have a shirt that I got at the bear market in Camdenton, Missouri. That is it's an O'Reilly's auto parts like employee shirt, but it says JC like Jesus Christ. So I still have that. I can't fit my my fat shoulders into it anymore, but I can't seem to get rid of
00:05:50
Speaker
Have you considered cutting the sleeves off? Oh Oh holy night
00:06:14
Speaker
All right. These hard candies are not meant to be chewed. So we're going to have to file some of this out of your molars. But in general, if you just suck on hard candies, it's going to lead to a lot less dental charges. Listen, I don't have a lot of time left on this planet. I don't got time to suck on a candy. I got to chew it. I got to get straight down to business. OK.
00:06:40
Speaker
I recognize that you're probably on the latter parts of your life, but ma'am, you can't really enjoy one of these hard candies anymore just by chewing it. They just disappear faster here. Hold this spit sucker thing into your mouth area. Okay. There you go. You know, I feel
00:07:02
Speaker
Well, let me take this back out. This is a terrible way to have a conversation with a patient. I want to make sure before we go any further into these operations, because I'm not going to waste my time cleaning these teeth if you're just going to go chew another Werthers. Oh, I'm going to go right back to the Werthers.
00:07:17
Speaker
because you see there's one thing this is what you young people don't realize is that you have to live life the way you want to not the way you should sure I shouldn't be chewing were there's because my teeth are dangerously close to falling out but
00:07:36
Speaker
What kind of life would that be? Let me guess. Looking at you, I'm guessing you have some things you want to do in this life, but you're not doing them. I got kids and a wife, so I've got to, you know, stick with it. Well, I'm going to suggest to leave them. Really? Yeah, let go of everything. Let go of all of your responsibilities. If that's what you want to do, you only get one life. I'm Mr. Responsibility though. Could you just leave them part-time maybe? Try it out.
00:08:06
Speaker
I don't know. They're expecting me home tonight. Would you believe it? Tonight. Don't go. Don't go. Well, where would I go? Where do you want to go?
00:08:20
Speaker
Hi, honey. Welcome. Just, you know, how was your day? I'm so busy. I've got just the kids and, you know, Robert had soccer practice. So of course I had to pick him up, but I forgot about it and I was late. Of course, you know, I was boiling the spaghetti on the stove and the water boiled over. I could never remember. Are you supposed to salt the water before you just stop for a second, please. I've brought somebody home with me. Oh.
00:08:46
Speaker
Hi there. I now see the problem. I now see the problem. Listen. What are you doing with this very old woman in our home? Very old. I have been told I am a lively 90 year old, okay? Lively. Listen. Listen, she doesn't have much time left in the time that I'm having. Is that Werther's on your breath? Sure as fuck is. You want some? Oh my God. Jim, I don't even know you anymore.
00:09:14
Speaker
Hey, I know that I said sugar-free candy is the way to go. But you don't understand. Have you thought about your teeth? Have you thought about your teeth for one second? Of course I thought about my teeth. What do you do for a living, Jim? I'm a dentist. Yes, I'm a dentist. Right. And here you are, irresponsibly sucking on a Werthers with this old woman. Well, you're going to be sucking on it in the future by yourself. Oh, really? Oh, that's just fine. That's just fine. Well, maybe I'll take Robert and maybe we'll leave for a while. You would like that, huh, Jim?
00:09:44
Speaker
Well, that would save me trouble because we're here to pack my things and go. Oh, so we're both gonna pack things and go and we'll leave an abandoned house. Hmm? Well, if that's what you want, it seems like that's what you've been itching for forever now. Sounds like that's an itch that you want to scratch.
00:10:00
Speaker
Okay, I'm sorry, I don't want the last time we ever see each other to be like this. So let's just try to let me pack my stuff with this lovely lady. All right, fine. And go our separate ways. One of my teeth just fell out, you don't happen to have a little to-go dental kit on you, do you? We got some gorilla, honey, would you get the gorilla? Yeah, I'll get it out, there's also spaghetti.
Auditions and Classroom Humor
00:10:30
Speaker
Hey, I'm very excited to audition for the Franklin spokesperson for Franklin Foods. I'm very, I'm very excited. Thank you so much for having me, my agent. It's my first big thing.
00:10:42
Speaker
Oh, your first big thing. Oh, congrats. Well, you know, just take a couple breaths. I'm sure you're prepared. You can just choose one character. You can choose both characters. I can I can just tell you're versatile just by looking at you. Wow. You. Wow. You're nothing like what they warned me about. You're great. Thank you.
00:11:03
Speaker
What? Oh, thanks. You know, I want to make it as comfortable for you as it is for me. That's I just want to get the best workout, best workout, the best work out of you. Wow. OK, thank you. Great. I guess I'm ready when you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we are rolling in three, two.
00:11:25
Speaker
Do you like food? Franklin foods are the best foods out there and everyone else who makes food and clothes and anything else is part of a big conspiracy of government and they're out to get you and bring down our society.
00:11:41
Speaker
Hey, yeah. Hey, buddy. Well, you just went off script. Everything was starting. OK. Not sure why you made the choice to be an octogenarian. But, you know, let's we can just pull it right back and just stick to the copy this time. Yeah, just stick to the problem. Young young him up like by 40 years. You got it.
00:12:01
Speaker
Yeah. Hi there. Do you, do you like foods? Franklin foods is some of the best foods out there. I'll tell you what, but the foods. Let me just, let me just stop right there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You, you took about 80 years off of his life. Let's, let's find a happy medium in there and we're still rolling and all you Franklin foods is the best foods you'll ever put in your body.
00:12:30
Speaker
Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. That is a strong choice though. That was some, you know, I think, I think Slim Jim has the, they own all of the macho King macho man.
00:12:47
Speaker
His whole spectrum of talents are all in that little beef snack. So just let's just do it as you just as you. I like the spirit though. We're really, really like the spirit. You know what? I'm just going to delete all of those takes and we go to the fresh one in three, two,
00:13:05
Speaker
I used to say that I hated other brands of food and I was only eating Franklin because I was protesting, but I was just poor. And I need this gig really badly so I can eat. Wow. You know, this is a area that we didn't think we'd go with, but I figure that depressed people eat the most food. So, yeah, man, we don't even need to see anybody for the rest of the day. Thank you very much. Thank you.
00:13:41
Speaker
What the hell is this? This is the only actor you submitted.
00:13:47
Speaker
You know, hear me out, Jim, I I know that you used to be the voice of Franklin, but ever since you got that that heart can be stuck in your throat, we haven't been able to get the. Here's the thing. I think we're going to just let him go for it. We'll just put all the F bombs in there like Franklin fucking foods, man. I'm not depressed anymore. We're not going to be able to put this on the TV. Yeah, nobody pays attention to that shit anymore.
00:14:17
Speaker
The problem is, it sounds like he's desperately begging you for the job. We want him to encourage people to enjoy Franklin Fu. And they enjoy it more when they're sitting on their couch, when their wives have gone to bed and they're trying to eat their feelings away. Maybe I'm projecting, but I felt it a lot in that read.
00:14:42
Speaker
I just, I think maybe we should just go back to me doing the Franklin grocery store commercials. I know that that hard candy changed and gave me a bit of gravel, but I think I sound good. Hey, it's your father's company. If you want to burn it to the fucking ground, you do it, dog.
00:15:02
Speaker
You say it like that, but I tell you, it's our family company and we, we can make this bigger together. Well, here's the thing. Franklin made a family through fucking, so Franklin fucking foods, man. Eat your depression away. Fine, fine. We'll try this guy, but I'm gonna be pissed if it doesn't work. Fucking fine.
00:15:35
Speaker
Class, this unit on post-consumerism is something that I feel every college student should learn. You see, we live in a society full of people that consume constantly, consuming. And what are we really consuming, class? Any thoughts? What do you feel like we're consuming? Yes, Sophie.
00:16:04
Speaker
Well, I believe Freud said that we are ultimately all consuming sex.
00:16:09
Speaker
Ah, yes, Sophie, you would say that in your oversized sweaters that you clearly buy from a Salvation Army. Of course, Sophie. Oh, and look at all those moth holes in that sweater. Sophie, do you even own a closet to put those in? Sophie coming to class like a ratty old street urchin ready to learn. Well, Sophie, here's a lesson for you.
00:16:39
Speaker
Maybe try the gap. Uh, so it's not sex?
00:16:46
Speaker
I'm sorry, I should have raised my hand. I'm just confused. Is the answer or is the answer not sex? Well, let's explore this, Charles. Is it sex or is it not sex? Or I'm sorry, can you even hear yourself over your loud Tasmanian devil's shirt? Where did you get that? A target in 1994? Well, Charles, I'm not sure. Is it about sex?
00:17:13
Speaker
I got it in a six flags. It was pretty expensive because it was part of the, you know.
00:17:17
Speaker
It was bought at Six Flags and their only licensing deal that they could work out because they don't own a character themselves is Warner Brothers Looney Tunes from 1934, 40. Sure. Professor, just a quick comment. I know Sophie is a nontraditional student and entreads. She's like 20 years older than most of us. So I wouldn't mind learning about sex from her. I bet she knows how to do it.
00:17:48
Speaker
Actually, I gave it up and that's why I wear mainly man sweaters with moth holes in them. It's kind of like I'm fighting against the, you know, going against the grain a little bit here. So I haven't had sex since 1992.
00:18:04
Speaker
Oh, yes. Sure. Sophie fighting against the grain, as I'm sure you are, Charles, as I'm sure you are, Jack asking questions. What am I surrounded by snowflakes in this class? I didn't know it was so cold in here. It's a blizzard of snowflakes. Seems like you might need an Old Man sweater. Well, I would ask for yours, but it's full of holes.
00:18:33
Speaker
Professor, we've been getting some complaints from the students that you are roasting them in class.
00:18:43
Speaker
Well, they must be too sensitive. You see kids these days and even non-trads who are too 20 years older than most kids. Yes, I know what a non-trad is, of course. They're getting too sensitive, I suppose. Well, what do you want me to do, Dean? You want me to roast them harder?
00:19:05
Speaker
Yes, that would be great if you could really stick it to him. I don't want to hear complaints. I want them deflated and falling on the floor in a weepy mess. So do your job, sir. That's what I thought. You know, when I was growing up as a boy in Winford, Massachusetts, I was beaten down mentally by my father and by my priest and by any authority figure. So I must do it.
00:19:35
Speaker
To others. Excellent. Professor, I just had a question. When is the homework due? Oh, you would like me to tell you when the homework is due? Yeah, just I think we'd probably all like to know. Interesting. Interesting. Well, you could check your watch or is that a non-functional fashion item? This is a watch from my grandpa.
00:20:03
Speaker
Oh, you're a grandfather, eh? Yeah. Did he mean a lot to you? He sure did. Did he? He was a very special man and... Did he have an impact on your life? Yes, he is my world. And when Pap-Pap died, I just... I didn't know what I was going to do. Your little Pap-Pap, your little Pap-Pap crossed the rainbow bridge.
00:20:30
Speaker
Yeah, he did. It sounds like you're about to really give it to me. I will really give it to you and your pap, but I too had a pap, pap. Oh my God. Are we, are we actually bonding in front of the class? Oh, no. But can we get to when the homework is due? Is this going to be on the test?
00:20:59
Speaker
Everybody's pap-pap, just write about your pap-pap and that will be our term paper for the semester.
00:21:12
Speaker
When I was in eighth grade, I had a teacher named Mrs. Daily and she, I was not a good student. I was nice for the most part, but I never did my homework and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But she, one day because the class was talking so much, assigned extra homework and was like, we're going to, like now everybody has to do extra homework. But in there, I had already prepared myself for the situation. In the student handbook,
00:21:41
Speaker
It said that homework was never to be given as a disciplinary action. And in class, I like pulled out the handbook and said, if you look in the handbook, you're not allowed to give homework out for this. And I actually got, I don't want to call it a suspension. It was like, I don't know if you guys had detentions where you had to leave lunch and like sit by yourself. That's what I had. I got punished for that. That was kind of lunch every day.
00:22:06
Speaker
And I've never, I think that's probably where I've, is that what I said you're saying? I don't think, I think that's where I picked up my real authority problem was me like saying, look at this rule that you've broken and then despite it all, then I got a detention for pointing it out and I never shook it. Yeah.
00:22:29
Speaker
And when I was in the second grade, the second grade, I was the founder in the cafeteria of the trouble table. Like there was never a trouble table until I was the first one. And it was because I did a bit every day because my my high sea frozen little juice box, the moisture in it would make my sandwich totally like wet. And I would always go.
00:22:59
Speaker
Oh, no. You know, from from one of the Lampoon's vacation movies. Oh, no. The dog went on the picnic basket and it would like kill every time and just absolutely slaughtered. And then that's why I got the trouble table. But it was worth it. It was worth it for a joke. Was it? Yeah.
00:23:22
Speaker
I too had a Mrs. Daily. I just want to say this quickly. It's not really a story. She was a substitute teacher and she would always just show up in different classes and never really knew anything about the subject. And it was always worse when she was the Spanish sub because she would just add O's and A's at the end of
00:23:39
Speaker
English words which like a percentage of the time she was kind of right but like she owned it she was never trying to pretend like she really knew Spanish but like she was it it was very confusing for people trying to learn it so yeah the idea of substitutes actively working against the class that they're supposed to teach that's like
00:23:58
Speaker
I mean, just roll a VHS player in the room for God's sakes. We all want it. Let's just watch Secret of Nim for the 15th time. Gotta find out that's the end.
Buffet Antics and Health Inspection Humor
00:24:23
Speaker
You're not supposed to eat from the buffet. We're just supposed to work. That's like you're breaking the rules. I'm not eating. Oh, my God. Don't talk with your mouth full. People eat out of this. That spreads terms. Right. It's so good, though. It's like so just sitting here, you know. Well, once you've been working at OCB long enough, you're not going to want to you're not going to want to eat this food ever.
00:24:55
Speaker
Okay, well I better eat it now then. No, no, no, stop, stop. You're gonna get us in trouble, okay? Nope, okay. My family comes here and eats sometimes, Brian. Like you just had your bare hands in that salad. Yeah, we should put out the tongs, you're right. Yeah, yeah.
00:25:16
Speaker
Oh, my God. You're lucky. I don't I don't say anything because, like, honestly, you'd probably get written up if not outright fired. Bro, in fact, chill. Don't know. You owe me one, Brian. You owe me one. I owe you one. You owe me one. All right. You want some salad? No. Get that out of my face. Get that out of my face. Come on. I'll take some salad. Oh, yeah.
00:25:38
Speaker
Oh, here we go, sir. This is the best salad I've ever had. Thanks, you want some more? There is something about this salad that's just different. Oh, so good. You're supposed to put it on a plate. Brian, you're setting a bad example for the customers. Hey everybody, look, we could just come in and eat from the trough. You're going to have to bring out another one of these bread puddings because I am not sharing this with anybody else.
00:26:08
Speaker
Here's some pudding. Oh my God. Is that some hand I taste in there too? Get your fingers out of her mouth, Brian. Brian, get your fingers out of her mouth. This is disgusting. Making sure she had all the bread pudding she needed. You know what? Everybody sit back at your table. We're going to do things a little different at old country buffet today. Okay. I'll bring you your food. Like it's a waiting situation.
00:26:35
Speaker
All right. Thank you. I'm limited. Well, I've just got these couple of handfuls of jello here. I suppose I'll just put them in my pocket. OK, I thought you were going to put them back in. It might not be good for the pocket. I just put it on this plate, put it on the plate. They're vintage jeans. It doesn't matter. Oh.
00:26:53
Speaker
Oh, my God. This is going to be terrible. You're being real uptight about all this. People want to eat straight out of the trough like horses. Well, why don't you open up a restaurant where people eat like horses? OK. Welcome to the horse trough, everybody. I hope you got your feeding bags.
00:27:17
Speaker
Oh, you know what? That's a great take. That's a great take. Here's the thing. We don't need any sound effects. We're going to still stick with the same two characters. We've got the horse and we've got the prospector. So, Sheila, you're there. You're letting me go? You're letting me fucking go? I want you to embrace the character of the horse. We just don't need any nays, OK?
00:27:45
Speaker
Um, I'm not sure, you know, that I was at the Royal Shakespeare company and I can nay with the best of them. So I'm not sure what you're not getting out of my name. Yes. Yes, sir. Ian, we know you're from the RSC. That's right. Here, here at all the time. So, um,
00:28:07
Speaker
Yeah. Sorry to step on your royal toes there. But, but hey, I'm sorry. It's just that I, you know, I just, I can't help but mention I made in the tempest. So, okay. It's an honor to work with you so much. What about, what about, what about sort of a,
00:28:28
Speaker
You know, they make that sound too. I'm just trying to figure out what range, what room you're giving me to play with this character. I don't know how to be a horse without some vocalization. Director, could you please address her?
00:28:42
Speaker
Oh, I'm sorry, Sir Ian, you don't talk to another actor. It's not my place. Is that what Prospero did? It's not my place. It's not my place to do so. Very good. I mean, to be fair, you're the genius behind the horse trough campaign. You know what? You guys do your thing. We'll see if we can find another line of business. Can the horse say fuck? Can the horse say fuck?
00:29:06
Speaker
If it's got like a good equestrian accent, absolutely.
00:29:18
Speaker
So make sure that you have your clipboard and your swipes handy. We're gonna be doing a health inspection. And luckily we've been able to keep it on the DL and they aren't expecting us. So we're gonna have to get in there quick before what typically happens is you'll see employees scurrying around trying to clean things when they see we're here. So we've got to act fast.
00:29:43
Speaker
Speed has not always been my, what's the words? Specialty, strength, strong drawing point. That's the one. Okay, well, so then what the problem is, is if you walk in at the pace that you walked up to the door,
00:30:01
Speaker
Employees are going to hide all of their biggest mistakes and we're going to have to give this restaurant an A rating. But clearly, you know, just by looking inside, there's no way they deserve a name. No, no, no. And I will, I will try to do things in the, the, the, the, uh, the fastest manner I can. Yeah.
00:30:23
Speaker
I don't think that you're actually made out to be a health inspector. It's a rigorous job. Whoa. Don't you talk to Brittany like that. She's great.
00:30:43
Speaker
You know, we have to be a team like a well lubricated team. Theo, you just, Hey boss, you just said to keep this on the DL and you getting all up in our beds. Seems like
00:31:00
Speaker
The opposite of DL. Let's walk away from this storefront really quick. We're giving ourselves away. Okay, we need a pep talk. Brian, those health inspectors have been out there for 30 minutes.
00:31:18
Speaker
Yeah, it's like they're trying to intimidate us or play mind games or something. I'm like a little freaked out because like, I don't know what they're doing. Like they would have just normally come in. This wig is very hard to get on. I'm just really struggling. It looks fine. Just stop fussing with it. Stop fussing with it with me. But the bobby pins are like very, they're hurting my scalp.
00:31:43
Speaker
And I'm not sure why I need a bald cap.
00:31:49
Speaker
because they would recognize you. We have to change every time we go into another store. It's like one is, one is bald and the other one, they just put on that weird hair. It's like, were they supposed to put on the bald cap and then the wig or like, are they just like distributing their disguise? Yeah. Cause there's definitely hair coming out from underneath the bald cap. Yeah. You could clearly see it. Yeah. And they're also wearing health inspector vests.
00:32:13
Speaker
I really like the kind of two-toned like the blonde wig on top of the brown hair, but it doesn't look real. It looks fake right off the bat. We've got to walk further into the parking lot. Let's go back to the van. Let's rendezvous at the van.
00:32:31
Speaker
It almost looks like one of them is like some kind of a commercial director and the other two are fighting back against his notes. Yeah. Like they're and they they're just when they've been in that van for a really long time and it's like moving. Yeah. Like in like a not like in an exciting way, like in a way that they're actually like, you know, kind of physically fighting with each other. These leggings are so.
00:32:55
Speaker
I really gotta bounce up to the leggings were for Britney, Theo. The leggings were for Britney. That's it. We're gonna put you guys in a horse outfit. Do you think that because it's called the horse trough that they thought they had to dress like a horse? Like, is that? Yeah, maybe. And I don't know about you. It's hard to hear them as they're so far away, but does one guy sound like Skeletor? Yeah, I definitely heard Skeletor's voice before he moved away into the parking lot, but I can still kind of hear it. Yeah.
00:33:26
Speaker
All right, now what I want you to do is move as one unit, your one horse. Once we get into the restaurant, bust out, and then use these swabs to check for germs. Ken, is it possible for us to switch? Because I just feel like his butt's very stinky. Every butt is stinky, Brittany. That's what butts do. Brittany, I didn't...
00:33:52
Speaker
really want us to get to know each other in this sort of context. This is like really weird too because I wrote a paper about the Trojan horse in my post-consumerism class. And like, this is basically like what's happening now, but it's like weird because they're dressed as a horse. They're not like coming inside the horse, but in a way they are coming inside the horse.
00:34:16
Speaker
Yeah. And it's also weird cause like my brand of condoms is Trojan. So like, this is like weird for me too. Yeah. And that stops you from coming inside the horse. Wow. I have to free myself. I'm sorry. I had to, I could not be your butt anymore. We're only, we're only to the door.
00:34:40
Speaker
Did you go to Old Country Buffet before we came here? Did you say Old Country Buffet? Oh Jesus, you are fired!
00:34:59
Speaker
I love all you can eat options anywhere. Especially when I was on tour, my favorite thing to do was to go to Olive Gardens because it was all you could eat soup and salad and breadsticks. And I think it was like $12, it might've been $10. And I would put every Olive Garden out of business that I was visiting in a small town. They just weren't prepared for my hunger.
00:35:28
Speaker
Rich, you probably remember this from the ships, but the buffet was like the most infected area on the ship. And someone told me that the reason that they go to quote unquote silver service is when all of the crew members are serving, it's because there was an outbreak of like this gastrointestinal sickness. The norovirus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:35:57
Speaker
And explain the silver service. I don't know what that means. It was a fancy term for you're not serving yourself at the buffet. Someone else is serving you. So they're like, they don't want other people to touch the things to make it more infected. And somebody who's like a company manager or someone on crew staff, I'm like, how does this happen? And they're like,
00:36:21
Speaker
Well, because these old people that can't wipe themselves or don't clean, they then touch the salad tongs and then somebody else touches the salad tongs and then they just spread like well, like diarrhea, because that's what everybody.
00:36:38
Speaker
It's like, this is why cruises are a bad idea, right? Because you put people together and if we can't trust each other to not get poop everywhere, then how can we possibly live in any society at all? If we just condense it, if we're all on a boat and then there's just within, within like hours, there's poop everywhere on the boat. Like just, it does, it's just automatic. To be fair, that didn't happen every week. I don't believe that. I don't believe that at all.
00:37:05
Speaker
Well, the thing is is you would be immune for a couple of weeks afterwards. So like, but to the strains of bacteria that are in that poop, you probably just, you can only catch it from one group of people once. Right. And then like, then two weeks later, like how often did, did people get like, how often was there an outbreak? Was it once every,
00:37:32
Speaker
month. Here's, here's my context. I've never been on a cruise, but every time I've known somebody go on a cruise, they either get sick on the cruise or get sick after the cruise. And a hundred percent of the time somebody's caught stuff. I don't know about chance experience, but I did about two years where the cruising in total. And I think maybe those nervous things happen like three or four times in two years.
00:37:54
Speaker
Yeah, that's not as bad as I thought it was, but it's not zero. It's not zero. It was absolutely not zero. I may have already told you this, but I'm going to say it again. I had the last place I was staff. Our HR lady was permanently based on cruise ships.
00:38:10
Speaker
She was just like constantly on a different cruise. So anytime she came into the meeting, we're like, where are you today? And her first name was also Velveeta. So it was a very, she was just a very interesting lady. I don't want to give away too much information, but she was just like always- I mean, you already have, you already have. There's no way there's multiple Velveeta side cruises. So we go to LinkedIn right now and we just put HR Velveeta. We've found her.
00:38:38
Speaker
I don't think this was a job that you had, Amy. I think this is a dream that you had last night. And you just believed that you worked. The last place I worked, the HR lady was named Velveeta and only lived on cruise ships. And she was delicious. My job was counting dogs.
Absurd Sales and Cruise Consultations
00:39:11
Speaker
I don't know if my stomach can handle being out to see so long. I've only got a couple of these motion sickness pills left. What you do is you got a magnet bracelet. I got this bracelet. It's a magnet. It'll restore your equilibrium.
00:39:28
Speaker
Yeah. I already bought one. It was like $30. It doesn't seem to be working. Yeah. You got, you got ripped off my friend here. I have, I have four of them right here. They're $80 a piece. Yeah, that's right. I could let you have one for, we'll say 85, 85, 90.
00:39:47
Speaker
I thought you said they were eating. They were. That's what I bought them for. But I mean, you know, I gotta turn them around. There's gotta be something in it for me. All right. I guess I'll take one. It's gotta be a little juice, you know, a little juice for the old.
00:39:59
Speaker
the old for Mickey over here for old Mickey. Why do you have so many extra ones? Is this like your channel important? But I mean, I just, I was, I was afraid of it because I saw that they were going quick. You know, this is pretty tight on my wrist. So like, you know, this is, it's time. It's time. Or, you know, it's time to get on the cruise or get off the cruise.
00:40:19
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, that's, that's pretty tight on my wrist. Is there any way to be supposed to fit a little tight? Yeah. It's a little tight, but you know what? You're not going to think about getting seasick. That's for sure. Oh man. My fingers are a little numb. Yup. So it's right. That's normal. You're going to lose a little bit of feeling in some extremities, but that's okay. But you tell you what, you won't be nauseous.
00:40:39
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Thank you. I really appreciate these cruise ships. They're just a veritable, uh, Petri dish. So, you know, if you, the seasickness is one thing, but I mean, have you been to the buffet? Yikes here. I got it. I got it. I got a little neck brace. If you want to get this neck brace. I don't know if I, that would look weird. I'm not going to look weird at all. You just, everybody's going to wear them. You're going to look weird if you don't have one.
00:41:03
Speaker
I'm supposed to be meeting people, this is a singles cruise, and that's probably too long for my neck anyways. Let's stretch it out just a little bit. You got a kind of a shiny neck. Just put it on. Just take it on. Ooh, that popped a little.
00:41:20
Speaker
Hi, Michael. I know it's a little strange for you to be seeing your doctor working from a cruise ship. I'm just, you know, don't mind what's going on behind me and stuff. I just wanted to follow up on your lab results. We got some, got some pretty. Yeah.
00:41:39
Speaker
Interesting lab results back up. Oh yeah. I'll take a pina colada with the little pink umbrella. You got it ma'am. Here you go. Have fun time on Norwegian cruise lines. Thank you. Thank you. Okay.
00:41:54
Speaker
Sorry, I'm all ears. What's up? Sorry, Dr. Berry. Just out of curiosity, you used a lab on land, right? Because I have a hard time believing that labs on ships would be...
00:42:10
Speaker
Yeah, no, we actually I use labs at various ports in the islands that we stop at. So it's labs all over the world, quite frankly. And I mean, you know, it's a little interesting because like the kind of regulation in some of these places is not
00:42:26
Speaker
Right, yeah, like who wants to limbo? Hey, come on. Hey, Dr. Burry, I couldn't help but notice you're in Simona Dominican Republic. I can't imagine the labs there have the sort of technology that we have in the States. No, but you know, it's, you know, cancer's cancer. You can tell. Oh, so.
00:42:53
Speaker
That's what I've got. Did I not? I'll just draw some blood. Ooh, ooh, I hit something there. Ooh, ooh, I hit something there.
00:43:19
Speaker
Oh boy. Can you stop that really quick? Can I stop bleeding? Yeah, yeah. I hit something right there where it's spurtin' there. I put a thumb on that or something. Yeah, okay.
00:43:35
Speaker
Oh, that's, you stopped it. You stopped it. All right. Well, that was, I got what I needed. See, usually with the blood sample, it goes into the syringe. Now you just got it in like a Tupperware container. Oh, well, I didn't, yeah, I didn't have the, this lab's not equipped the way that some of them are. But I got plenty. Just keep your thumb over that. And if you lift your thumb and it's still doing that, you know, jumping thing, well then put your thumb back on it.
00:44:04
Speaker
Well, it feels like the ship's moving. So, uh, I really just came to find my doctor and get like some, some, uh, like a second opinion from, uh, another doctor on this singles cruise. There's a lot of doctors on this single screws. Uh, just no dentist, please, because, uh, suicide rate way too high.
00:44:26
Speaker
Yeah, we don't let dentists on the cruises. It's too high of a liability. Plus no doctor wants to end up with a dentist. You know what I mean? This is kind of a dentist. This is kind of like a doctor's only singles cruise. Doctors without ports.
00:44:44
Speaker
Yes, exactly. Sorry. I'm feeling lightheaded. Oh, that's the blood loss. So just keep that thumb on there because it's going to take a bit to regenerate. I'm not a doctor, but I run this cruise line and I'm totally able to take blood. As you see, I took blood. I'm just not qualified. But being around this many doctors, it kind of rubs off on you and you pretty much have a doctorate.
Campaign Admiration and Closing
00:45:20
Speaker
I just wanted to say, I know you're the man behind the new Franklin fucking foods. I fucking love it, okay? I fucking love it. There's nothing I love more than a good fuck bomb. I drop them all the time. I don't even say F bomb, I go right to fuck bomb because there's no fucking point in my right. I'm fucking, finally fucking real people, you know, commercials talking like fucking motherfucking real people, you know? What am I fucking saying? Yeah.
00:45:47
Speaker
I just, I just wanted to fucking meet the genius behind the fucking campaign. Fucking tits, man.
00:46:07
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post-audio engineer and sound designer, Toy Vol Kaleo, and our incredible Patreon supporters who are helping me afford this creative endeavor.
00:46:25
Speaker
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