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Original Understudies - EP 87- Diet Dedication
128 Plays1 year ago
This week's suggestion is Diet Dedication.
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
You could also send a suggestion to
OriginalUnderstudiesPodcast@gmail.com
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Amey Goerlich - Incredible Cat Video
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Chris Alvarado - @ChrisAlvarado
Jake Regal @JakeRegal
Jack Zullo - JackZullo.com
Amanda Blake Davis - @MissAmandaBlake
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction & Ways to Engage
00:00:09
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Original Understudies where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're gonna perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions. If you'd like to put a suggestion out there, go to originalunderstudies.com and there's a little Google form that you could put your suggestion in with.
Guest Introductions
00:00:33
Speaker
Let's introduce the improviser starting with Jack Zulow. Jack, welcome back.
00:00:37
Speaker
Where can people find you? You can find me at jagzulo.com and also in the living room of my house. Oh, that's wonderful. And Jake Riegel. Where would you like people to find you online? You can find me at Jake Riegel online.
00:00:52
Speaker
a good place to do that. Yeah, I don't I don't know. Last we recorded an episode a couple of days ago to pull back the curtain. And I said, like, I'm so tired. I'm going to do a bad improv. And I feel like I say that all the time on this podcast. And last episode was the first time where it sort of came true. There were like three different scenes from like, I can't pay attention to what's happening. I don't know what's going on here.
00:01:16
Speaker
I can't say one way or the other. I haven't edited it yet, but I will give you a full review. For people listening to this episode, go back and listen to just my improv from the last. Yeah, I'll isolate the track and we'll put it out there and see how people enjoy it. Great.
00:01:33
Speaker
And Amy Gerlich, welcome back, Amy. Hi. Where can people find you? You can find me in Denver at my theater, Chaos Bloom Theater. But I have, I do have something to actually plug this time. I have, I just spent probably about 18 hours making a Instagram, like a double
00:01:56
Speaker
I did reactions. Have you guys ever seen that cat video where they're like all vomiting? They like smell stuff and they like the gag. So yeah, I spent a crazy amount of time filming it, lining it up. I had no idea what I was doing. It's for our sketch show, but I'm just going to leave it up. So go to my Instagram, Amy girl and watch it.
00:02:17
Speaker
Can't wait to see him. Is it too soon to know the results from the big voting contest? Yeah, that ends Friday. So I assume this won't be up. So this won't be out on time. Yeah, I should know next time.
00:02:29
Speaker
Nice. And we usually save new guests for our final introduction, but we've got two new guests. So let's welcome back somebody that you probably, I would say might know from Alchemy This, if you've been listening all the way since back then, Chris Alvarado. Welcome to the show, Chris. It's great to be here to do, improvise Zoom again with you, James Heaney. Thanks for having me. Hi, everybody.
00:02:56
Speaker
Where would you like people to find you online? I would like them to find me at my Instagram, which is at chrissaborato. And if you're in the LA area and you want to take some improv classes from me or some workshops, go to chriss-aborato.com and check out my improv class offerings.
00:03:13
Speaker
And are those more often than not in Santa Monica? They're more often than not in Santa Monica. Yes, yes. Even though people think I live in Santa Monica, I'm a valley guy, but I just spend almost every day of the week in Santa Monica. Well, I mean, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was kind of tempted. I, of the people, I don't know, I don't want to say, but I've just gotten to hear a lot of people say how wonderful your classes are. And I think they're full of shit.
00:03:43
Speaker
And if I don't go in there myself and check it out, I won't know the difference. I hear a lot of compliments. I hear a lot of compliments. And there's another person here. I mean, a lot of people here are teachers. Amanda Blake Davis, you've got the ABD acronym name. Welcome to the show. Where can people find you?
00:04:05
Speaker
Oh, you can find me in the crevices of all the theaters out here in L.A. I'm just everywhere all at once. But you can find me online at at Miss M.I.S.S. Amanda Blake on Instagram. That's where all my doings show up. Nice. And also I've heard incredible things about your teaching as well. Oh, that's nice. I haven't done it in a while. So I don't know what's happening. I think you used to coach. What was the team that used to coach at the West Side Comedy Theater?
00:04:34
Speaker
Oh, I had a few, but forever team. That was, I think that's the one that was forever team. Yeah. Forever team was, was one I loved. And yeah, James, I also teach improv. What have you heard about? Yeah, me too James. Well, I, I've, I've heard a lot about Amy Gerlick's teaching and it's wonderful.
00:04:56
Speaker
Jake, I gotta be honest, I keep asking people that are taking classes at UCB if they're taking your class and so far, I haven't been able to pin anybody down that's taking your class, but I'm good to find someone. You just go to the theater and just ask strangers if they're taking my class?
00:05:12
Speaker
No, there's some people in mission and profitable right now that are taking classes and I can't remember the names of the people
Health & Lifestyle Changes
00:05:18
Speaker
they tell me. No, I'm trying to dodge all the MI people. That makes sense. Yeah. I don't, I don't know the people that they're mentioning and I just keep saying, you know, you should take classes from Jake Riegel. He's fantastic. And, and I think so eventually you're going to get a huge pool of them coming. Well, I appreciate that. Thank you.
00:05:33
Speaker
I'm sweating. That's why I don't like to compliment anybody. Jack, you're doing great. What'd I do? Here's the other thing. I dropped the ball a while back and I didn't realize that the suggestions coming to the Google Form, I didn't get an email or anything.
00:05:55
Speaker
So one day I was like, is my thing broken? And I found all the suggestions. I've gotten to the point where now I'm at one of the suggestions of like, holy shit, this has been a while. So let me get that suggestion up. For the person who stopped listening to the show out of anger. Oh God, I hope they didn't. Where did it go?
00:06:17
Speaker
Here it is. And there's no name. And I've been saying it for a while. Put your name in when you put the suggestion in. Here it is. I made a new year's resolution to eat healthier. You know, the usual kale and quinoa vibe, but life had other plans. I had some unexpected travels and there's no way to keep up with it.
00:06:37
Speaker
I'm sorry, no way to keep it up without a kitchen. So my suggestion is diet dedication. I don't diet. I don't think I've ever been on a diet. So it's out of my realm of familiarity.
00:06:53
Speaker
Yeah, no, I eat trash constantly. I should not, at this point in my life, I know that my body is no longer responding to it well, and I just choose to ignore it. I'm more and more lactose intolerant, I'm more and more sensitive to super spicy foods, I'm more and more sensitive to just eating burgers every day, and I'm like, bring it on. I'm gonna train my body to keep tolerating this. And it's a fight I will eventually lose. I'm just hoping that it's a matter of decades instead of years.
00:07:21
Speaker
I had a fun thing happen to me. So I stopped drinking this year and I got so sick. Like the sickest I've ever been for the longest amount of time. I don't know. Was it from stopping drinking? I don't know. I have no idea. But like my body. Yeah, I've never I've never gotten so sick for so long. Like I had like a whole bout for a couple of weeks and then I I was taking these like sleep Costco sleep
00:07:50
Speaker
like natural things. And I didn't realize those were making me sick too. And I was like- Was it the calm magnesium things?
00:07:59
Speaker
No, they're not. It just says sleep on it. And I got them when I was in Missouri and they don't sell them here and I was all bummed out. And then one day one of my friends was like, oh, sometimes when you take supplements, that'll make you sick. Like I would wake up at like three in the morning, like dripping sweat, like throwing up, going to the bathroom at the same time. Like it was awful, awful. And I lost like 16 pounds in like two months.
00:08:30
Speaker
I know. So I mean, good and bad, like the drinking is not a good deal. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, I just, now I crave a good night's sleep. Like when I'm like, Oh, I could really use a drink. I'll go home and be like, no, I want to, I want to like have some tea and like go to bed.
00:08:51
Speaker
I've also stopped drinking this year. Oh, nice. I don't know that it's forever, but I haven't had a drink this year. I'm not thinking about it. I'll jump in on that. I haven't had a drink since mid-November.
00:09:04
Speaker
Yeah, I basically just for like how I feel. Cause I drink like I'm 22 and I am double that age and then some. So it's like, I was like, you know what? I need to just, until I am as healthy as I wanna be,
00:09:23
Speaker
that I need to stop drinking. And, you know, I love food, so that's a problem. But, but I will say this as far as like, as far as like being healthy, coming from 14 years of LA, you know, I do have a good beat on how to stay healthy, how to be healthy, whether I live that isn't necessarily always the issue. But I have this stuff called Vitamineral Greens.
00:09:48
Speaker
And we were taking it, me and my partner, and all of a sudden she found out from her doctor, her iron was so high that they needed to do other tests. And evidently when you take bitter mineral greens, if you're taking a vitamin C supplement, it like impedes in your body processing iron in your blood. So I'm just putting it out there. Sometimes all that is healthy isn't healthy if you combine them.
00:10:18
Speaker
Oh, original understudies. Brian, I feel really bad doing this, but I ordered this health shake and it turns out I'm not ready. Just get me the peanut butter chocolate one. If we could just swap it out. Wait, but it's been made.
00:10:41
Speaker
I know, but it just tastes disgusting. I'm gagging. I'm gagging on it. Also, not for nothing, but I don't appreciate you calling me by my name when you need something. Typically you walk in here, you order a smoothie and you leave, and now today it's Brian. Well, I just wanted you to know that I'm more than just a customer. I come here with no complaints when you make delicious peanut butter banana smoothies. You're saying this is more than a transactional relationship?
00:11:11
Speaker
Either one of the other people with you behind the counter is out to get me, or healthy things taste like trashier. Let's find out. Hey, Rach. Rach. Oh, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Yeah. Yeah. What's up? This is our friend. He's not just a customer. He's a friend. He has to complain. Yeah. He has to complain about the smoothie you just made for him.
00:11:36
Speaker
healthy smoking. Yeah. It's just got such a healthy flavor to it. I was hoping maybe we could just swap it out for peanut butter, chocolate banana.
00:11:48
Speaker
How much of it did you drink? It's just a couple, honestly, maybe four sips. The first one I thought it was me. Okay, maybe have a five one. Have a five sip, the fifth one, have a fifth sip. Go ahead, go ahead. Right now, in front of you? Yeah, I would take a big fifth sip if I were you. Yeah, okay. Go for it.
00:12:14
Speaker
And? Okay, yeah, I definitely don't like it. It's awful. Okay, but unfortunately you also just fell into the fifth sip rule here, where if you have five or six more, we cannot do an exchange.
00:12:25
Speaker
This isn't just friendly. I thought we were friends. We're not. We're not. That's a tiny print. You're pointing at something with the tiniest print. I can't even read that. Well, maybe you need glasses and a healthier shake. And that's what you need. You know what? Right in front of you, I'm gonna... This is a Yelp review. Oh, you guys are aft. Nobody's gonna come to your stupid little smoothie shop anymore. Oh, really? What are you, Yelp? Come here. Come here. Come here. I'm right. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.
00:12:55
Speaker
If you want to leave us a five-star review, the next thing going in that fucking bite it makes is gonna be your fucking hand. You understand that? Okay. Okay. I get it. I get it. Sorry. I stepped over a line. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna give you a free shot of peanut butter banana. Not a full smoothie, but a shot.
00:13:13
Speaker
A shot? Rach, what do you think? Okay. Yeah, we can do that. A shot? Can I mix it into this so it doesn't taste so bad? How dare you? How dare you? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
00:13:35
Speaker
Doug, do not call that waitress over here. You've eaten most of that fish. You've found that bone. Yeah. Well, you found the bone. You said, oh my God, there's a bone in my fish. You put it to the side. Then you kept eating it. And then you called the waitress over. I'm embarrassed. I want to go. Sweetie, sweetie, come on. Come on. Don't be like this.
00:14:00
Speaker
Be like, what? Sorry, you needed some help over here? No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're fine. No, we're not. We're fine. Doug is it? Doug?
00:14:11
Speaker
Please don't call me that, but yes. I'm sorry. When we came in, someone said, we're not going to be your server today, but Doug will be over. They said Doug, they referenced you. You're Doug, right? I am Doug. I prefer to be a nameless automaton while I'm working here. I separate my personal life, my professional life, but yes, I'm Doug.
00:14:30
Speaker
Is that like a Star Wars character, an automaton? Yeah, what does that even mean? What is that? Automaton? No, it's not originally from Star Wars. Are you sure? Sounds so familiar. You are only the fourth most annoying table I've had to deal with today.
00:14:46
Speaker
Thank you. I appreciate that. Well, then let me just cut right to the chase there. Go for it. But are you not, Doug? No. We don't need anything, Doug. Come on, baby, sweetie. Honey, come on. Please don't call me baby.
00:15:02
Speaker
You know, Doug, you see what I'm dealing with here. Doug, let me ask you a question. Do you, if your wife says, please do not call me baby in public or private because it makes you feel, I don't know, infantilized. What's infantilized? It could be, it does sound like another Star Wars reference. Not Doug, not Doug, not Doug.
00:15:30
Speaker
Listen, I don't know, you're a man, right? Do you identify as a man? You look like a man. I do. Not this again. Doug, don't answer him. I mean, are we being forced to walk on eggshells nowadays? I mean, this is my wife. This is my sweetie. This is my bubby. I can't call her baby. What do you think, not Doug? As someone who also wishes not to be called, I think I understand her perspective. That's right. See?
00:15:55
Speaker
Maybe I will leave this. I need you to take this fish back to the kitchen right now. Take another bite. Right? I will not take a bite that boom.
00:16:10
Speaker
OK, it is Monday morning. I've had my first poop. It is scale time. Oh, Applebee. Put your little pussies on. Let me get fully naked, Mr Scale. Let me see how much you need.
00:16:28
Speaker
Okay, one foot seat, two foot seats. Oh baby, let me count. Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me. One hundred forty, one pound. Yes, and that six foot seven inches tall, that is the ideal weight I was going for.
00:16:54
Speaker
Scale, I gotta tell you something. I wouldn't have been able to lose all this weight without this, well, without the way I feel about you, you know? That's what I'm here for. You know, none of my clothes fit well. Oh, is that so cool? Yeah, I've been shopping at Baby Gap. Little Baby Gap underwear and stuff. Just because I'm so skinny.
00:17:22
Speaker
but you look so cute with them baby dab shorts. Thank you. I don't want to do this to you because you're your own thing or whatever, but do you spend any time with my Bluetooth speaker when I'm, like when I'm not here? Toilet and I hung out with him last week. Just because you're all connected, you know, you're all Bluetooth connected and I didn't know if maybe there's
00:17:50
Speaker
You know, relationships you're having. What are you accusing me of? No, it's not an accusation. What are you accusing me of? I'm, I'm being here doing my job and you come, you come at me like this. I could take you, you know? A hundred percent. That's what I thought. I just, I'm feeling insecure. Well, maybe I'll lose a few pens.
00:18:17
Speaker
Mike, Mike, did you see that guy who just walked out the baby gap? Oh yeah. He bought like three pairs of pants and stitched them all together to be extra tall. Yeah, it was crazy. It's crazy that dude's buying baby gap for himself. I sold him $175 worth of baby gap. Hey you two, you two, it's not appropriate to be gossiping about customers, okay? I want you to do your job, keep your nose down and make sure there's no clutter on the floor. All right, I'm sorry, but not every customer looks like Slender Man.
00:18:47
Speaker
It's like a rare occurrence. Bill, I know you're the shift lead. OK, whatever that means. But you know what it means? It means I'm responsible for both of your behaviors. Yeah, that's what it means. You know what? Cut it out. I'll cut it out. Yeah. Don't back down, Mike. Don't back down. OK, Bill. Bill, come on. We got to we talk to people all day, man. I got to recharge. Talking to Mike gets me recharged. It gets me feeling good. I need that human kindness and energy to to make me feel healthy.
00:19:21
Speaker
Gap employees, gap employees. Can we have everybody's attention? Everybody's culture. We have to have a meeting about our ship leads. Not everybody's controlling everyone as much as they can. Are we tracking people's calories? Are we finding out what they're doing after work? Bill, talk about it. Ship leads, you're in charge.
00:19:50
Speaker
I'm not a shift lead, but I'd like to talk about Bill because Bill weighed me the other day.
00:19:57
Speaker
Okay, now that's appropriate. Thank you, Bill. Thank you. I'm not a shift lead either, but I just want to talk about Bill for a second. Please don't. Bill cupped my small butt and he held it with one of his hands and squeeze and said, where's the cushion? Excellent. Good work, Bill. Thank you. Hey, Zane here, former shift lead.
00:20:21
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I don't know if Bill really is attacking the team in the proper way. What? Say bar. I believe that Bill, under his new auspices of running said shift as a lead, happens to be less inclined to the customer's needs than he is to his own seeking of power.
00:20:49
Speaker
Well, that's what you retail monkeys are for. The ship lead is in charge of you. So that the ship, that's what the ship lead does. Okay, I'd like to say one more thing about Bill. Can he not heat up fish in the microwave in the back? Because it makes the entire store smell like fish. It's squid, it's squid. So? It's not fish, is it? It's a cephalopod. It's in the sea.
00:21:17
Speaker
Seafood. It's fancy and you can't afford it and you're jealous. What? Actually, they eat garbage. So you're an automaton, is that right? Not Doug? I am an automaton. And not Doug, you? Yeah. That's and I'm not Doug. Yes, that's correct. That's an automaton. I'm not Doug.
00:21:42
Speaker
Okay, terrific. This is a little weird. You know, I love this establishment. I try not to bug you, but I'm having some dating issues. Okay. And you come here expecting me to fix your personal life? Is that the goal?
00:22:00
Speaker
It's just that you have such a good relationship with the optometron that I thought there might be some carry over into my situation. I'm going to be honest. I built this automaton, automatron, and there's some power dynamic business going on here that I don't really want to unpack. It's put me in a position of advantage. And so yeah, we have a very healthy relationship from my perspective. I don't know. I don't know. Optometron, do you feel the same way?
00:22:29
Speaker
I do not have feelings. I am at his command. I am an automatron. Why is your mouth portion all stretched out? We don't need to get into any of this. It is unimportant what happens between myself and the automatron. I think you should go to your boss and tell them that you're being taken advantage of.
00:22:58
Speaker
I like the abuse. What? That dog is a very nice user. Is that a dick? Is that a dick on me? Your wife? No, absolutely not. But Doug made us both. Daddy, daddy, mommy, mommy. Honey, honey, honey. Achoo. Uh-oh. Is he sick? I think he might have a virus. Ow, meow. Get that goddamn cat out of here. Why did I build them to get sick?
00:23:34
Speaker
Bye!
00:23:39
Speaker
When I worked at Treyarch, specifically on Call of Duty, I had one of the worst bosses I've ever had. I don't remember his full name, but I'll just call him Jay. I'd put him on blast, but I don't remember what was going on, but we were working on the Call of Duty games and we had video game controllers, and there was an issue that I couldn't get the, and it was way back when the Wii was still out, if you remember the Wii controllers.
00:24:05
Speaker
and I was having an argument and he threw a controller at me and hit me with just one of those little weak controller things and I was stunned by his behavior. I've never understood how bosses could ever be able to move up in companies and have that kind of energy around them. You'd think they could fire before they'd make it there. I never worked in video games, but I feel like it's like a famously toxic industry.
00:24:32
Speaker
Was that your experience? For those reasons, that was the only person I had ever had that threw anything at me or yelled at me. What was toxic was that there was a whole bunch of men that did not treat women right. That was not an experience I personally had to deal with. That toxicity was there. And the other was just uncleanliness. And I was a clean person. I have since changed. But there was like a culture of not showering or bathing, at least at Treyarch and Activision.
School Stories & Anecdotes
00:25:00
Speaker
I had a fifth grade teacher that used to throw things at students, famously would throw popcorn balls at students, like he'd whip them at kids. And one day he did throw a mug. And I'm not sure. Popcorn balls and mugs are way different categories. They're very different. And I'm not sure what he also used to make us sing the Marine hymn.
00:25:27
Speaker
in the morning, like you do the Pledge of Allegiance and then sing the Marine hymn. So I'm thinking there was probably, Mr. Anderson was like tied into that. But yeah, it's not a great culture to grow up in. I'll take this out, I'll be quick. But there's a time in my life when I had to stay at school late because my dad worked, blah, blah, blah. So I was there almost like 5 p.m. some nights, not ideal.
00:25:49
Speaker
And one evening I was there with another student, this woman, this girl, we were kids, we were in middle school waiting for our parents to pick us up. And the gentleman walks up to us and says, have you seen Mrs. Julio? And we said, no, I'm not kidding you. At that moment, Mrs. Julio walks out holding Mr. Becker's hand out of the computer lab.
00:26:07
Speaker
Mr. Doolio runs over to Mr. Becker and they have a full grown man fist fight. I had never seen this in my life. The next day Mr. Becker comes to school, he's wearing blue blockers because he has like a black eye. And the principal brought me in, me and the girl bought a subway, which is a big deal for us in middle school and said, spill it, tell us everything you saw. But not for like, to get him in trouble, just for gossip.
00:26:35
Speaker
Oh, just for gosh. I know. Are you sure that they didn't just say that so that you'd feel free without worry about getting Mr. Becker in trouble? Well, I mean, perhaps, perhaps I'll tell you what, years later, I was in college, I was at a gas station, and who do I see? Mrs. Doolio. She's getting gas. She's wearing these short jean cutoff shorts. You could tell she was living a different life after that. I don't think so.
00:27:03
Speaker
She has a black Camaro, and I was like, hey, Mrs. Deulio. She's like, hey, Chris. She remembered me and she just pumped her gas. I was like, damn. I mean, Mr. Becker, Mrs. Deulio, and I forget the other guy's name. They never forget the two kids that watched the fist fight. I wonder that sometimes. That's why I'm okay saying their names. If somehow this gets to them, I would love to have that conversation.
00:27:35
Speaker
Oh, so you're not gonna talk, huh? Well, we have ways of making perps like you open your mouth. Okay. Now what are you, what's that? I said, okay. Yeah. Maybe your memory will get jogged if you enjoy this six inch sweet onion chicken teriyaki on honey yolk bread. Well, okay. Do you want me to eat it now? Yeah, go ahead and have a bite. And let's see if maybe we remember.
00:28:05
Speaker
Cut to five minutes later. That is good. All right, good. Well, now do you remember maybe where the body might be found? I mean, a lot of the kids took the frogs from the science department and I don't feel like you should call it a body, it's a frog.
00:28:28
Speaker
we are going to crack this case all the fucking way open. If it's the last thing I do. Okay. Oh, I don't know if you, okay. Listen, I don't want to open up a frog. So I put mine in my pocket and then I put it in my, my locker. And then, um, the janitor said, there's a weird smell in here. And I said, uh-oh. And then the next day I came back and it was gone. So I feel like the janitor is going through people's lockers.
00:28:59
Speaker
Hey, so I heard you gave a kid a sweet chicken teriyaki sub. And me, you're just giving me the second degree burn. Yeah, I got different ways of making different people talk. You're a grown person. I am a grown person, which means you've got a lot more options to bribe me to give you all the truth.
00:29:20
Speaker
Did she squeal? Did she tell everybody? Just walking around the town saying, I got a sub? And listen, I got a good nose. I smell that sweet chili chicken sub sandwich on a breath. And I know where that came from because there ain't no subway in the cafeteria. You know what I'm saying? All right. Well, you're a grown ass man prosecuted for grown crimes. So the best I can do is the new footlong pretzel.
00:29:52
Speaker
I just thought I'd come and tell you that the gym teacher asked me to breathe in his face. And I feel like that's inappropriate for middle school. Well, I appreciate you coming to the principal's office. The truth is it is probably crossing a line, but I'm sure the gym teacher had a reason to want to smell your breath. Okay. Are you drinking alcohol? No, what? I'm 12. Well.
00:30:17
Speaker
Yeah, obviously you shouldn't be, but that's a good reason to check somebody's breath. Principal Doug, my dad said that I should march in here and tell you what happened because he thinks it's bordering on capital punishment. Capital punishment? You know what that means, right? Yeah. It's death penalty. Oh.
00:30:45
Speaker
Hey, you the detective? Just talking to these kids around here? That's right. Word has it you talked to my little girl a couple days ago. Word gets around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember that. I might remember that. Yeah. I'll tell you something. You do something like that to my little girl again.
00:31:09
Speaker
We're gonna have real problems here. Is that right? You see this? Yeah. Yeah. Chocolate chip cookie. Warm. Warm. Okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't hover that so close to my skin. I'm just saying. I'm just saying you're a grown man. And grown men, they get second degree burns from hot treats like this. I don't want any problems. You're the law, okay? Hey, I don't want to work in a school where frogs can just go missing.
00:31:36
Speaker
All right, there's a reason I took this job. Wait, wait, was that what happened? Yeah. She didn't tell me that part. Maybe you're not. It's good communication with your own daughter as you thought you were, huh? And that's something I need to work on. Oh, boy, I really lost my cool in there. What's up, Jan? Give me some coffee?
00:32:06
Speaker
Now what? Are people still talking about it? Let me see. Are they talking about how the history teacher started throwing globes across the classroom? Yeah, I don't think that's going away anytime soon, Jan. Wow, man. Hi, really?
00:32:25
Speaker
I really made a mess of things. That kid's nose was all bloody. What seems crazy to me is that you spun the globe, grabbed the kid by the back of his head, and then used his nose to say, wherever this lands is where your body's going to be buried. That seems crazy, Jan. Coffee? He really set me off.
00:32:42
Speaker
Oh, sorry. If I'm interrupting anything. Yeah. Jan, I need you to clear out your classroom. We're going to be putting you into middle school, a junior highs. We got to move you down. No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't handle it. You can't handle it. Jan. No, come on. Give me one more shot. Move me up. It's not up to me. It's the superintendent told me. Okay.
00:33:08
Speaker
Oh God. Jen, Jen, they're gonna eat you up. They're gonna, what's that saying? Spit, spit, chew you up. Chew you up and eat, you spit you out. Say it again, please. Chew you up. Yeah. Spits you out. I couldn't help but overhear, but I think you mean you're gonna eat lightning and you're gonna crap thunder. That's what I mean. That's what they're gonna do to people like you. I've heard stories. You go down to middle school, it's a different situation. Coffee? Did you want a coffee?
00:33:36
Speaker
Yeah, maybe that's what I need, is more coffee. Oh, brother. It's just the age, you know? I can't handle the age. Jan, Jan, take my advice. Go to the biggest kid in school and just, and just, you know, establish dominance. So you're new here, huh? Can I call you Jan?
00:34:05
Speaker
Oh, please. Absolutely. I want to keep it light and easy, you know, with the students. I just want to be one of your pals. OK. Oh, somebody told me that you wanted to see me because I'm 4'3", and I'm the biggest kid here. Yeah. Why don't you step closer to my desk? I'm not going to breathe in your face. It's been a real thing lately, and I'm not going to do it, OK?
00:34:33
Speaker
Well, I wouldn't breathe in my face if I were you. That's the way people get hurt. You wouldn't breathe in your own face or? No, I wouldn't do that either. But I'd advise you not to breathe in my face. Now get over here. OK. I'm going to smack your skull with this ruler. What? Detective, I know it's 3.30 in the morning and I'm at your home.
Quarry Mysteries & Gossip
00:35:03
Speaker
What can I do for you? I thought you might be interested in seeing this bag of frog bodies. My God. The mother load. It wasn't going on for longer than we thought the bottom of the quarry. That's right. I spent all night swimming down there. I just had a hunch. I'm not I'm not I'm not like you. I'm not a professional, but but you got to you got to you got to follow a hunch, right?
00:35:29
Speaker
Babe, it's so late. Who's at the door? Don't worry about it. Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hold on. Hi, I should say I'm a friend of the law. Nice to meet you. Oh, your robe is opening up. Hey, hey, what? Ah, their hands, their hands are touching. What?
00:35:56
Speaker
Hey, guys, I heard that our teacher, Miss Hoth, was at the detective's house. I think there's some hanky pinky going on. What the heck is hanky pinky? It's sex. No, it's not just sex. It could be hand holding or punching someone in the face while climaxing. Or rubbing each other's genitals. Yes.
00:36:25
Speaker
Well, I think the detective, I think the detective has a lot of people who have heard his house late at night, genitals. Why do you think that I live across the street and people are always showing up. I don't know that word. So funny genitals, genitals, genitals.
00:36:45
Speaker
Jan. Janitals. Like Jan. Like the new teacher Jan. Janitals. Janitals. Janitals. That's what we should call her. We should call her Janitals. Janitals. I wonder if she has Janitals. Janitals. She should probably rub some on stuff. Because she's an art teacher. Jan, could she come into my office?
00:37:11
Speaker
So I don't know, these might just be rumors and we're dealing with middle schoolers and things, but I just wanna get right to it. Are you rubbing your genitals? I know that this is inappropriate, but I have to make sure that there's no truth to it, okay? I read it on a bathroom stall and I need to know what's true and what's not.
00:37:33
Speaker
I'll tell you what's true. Did I take a ruler to a student's head? Yes. Yes, I did. Did I accidentally throw one of my students out a window? Yes. Yes, I did. You're getting a little close, Jan. But for you, for you to think that I would be rubbing my precious genitals on school time? That stapler's loaded, Jan. Yeah, it sure is. Okay.
00:38:09
Speaker
Hey Jen, welcome to elementary school. Things are a lot different down here. I'm gonna have to stay in the basement with this video machine. I don't even know what that is. What's a video machine?
00:38:32
Speaker
Everyone's laughing at me in this room. Wait, does everybody know what a Mimeo machine is? Mr. Carlson, do you know what a Mimeo machine is? No, but I know damn well I should be laughing or I'll look like an idiot. Mimeo machine. It's a Mimeo graph machine. It's the way you make copies back in the 80s. Not familiar. Not familiar. Does that have like carbon copies coming out of it?
00:39:01
Speaker
Yes, a little bit like that. OK, OK. I think I know what you're... Your hands would get all purple.
00:39:12
Speaker
Jan, as your physician, I just want to say that I can tell that you've been sniffing mimeograph paper and it is not good for you. You're not pregnant. I know that you came in hoping that that was the case. I did all the tests and you're vomiting every morning because I think you're sniffing mimeograph paper.
00:39:37
Speaker
That's a job hazard. You know, they got me, they moved me down to elementary school. I talk about basement. I'm clapping erasers. I'm getting chalk dust in my lungs. I'm getting Mimeo in my nasal cavities.
00:40:04
Speaker
Hey, so at Huffers Anonymous, we try to create a safe environment for anyone to share.
Support Group Confessions
00:40:14
Speaker
We have a few new people here. You don't have to share your name, but yeah, yeah, yeah. It's taken a lot of courage to get you here. All of us have dealt with the huffing in our lives and all of us have put huffing behind us. So I haven't been able to completely stop.
00:40:32
Speaker
Okay, friend, you could tell us, what have you been going through? Is it stress-related? Is it work-related? I think it's a lot of pressure at work, but I have an insatiable urge to smell people's breath. I don't care what it is that they've been eating, but just the moments after someone's eaten, to be able to smell it past their teeth,
00:40:57
Speaker
Come closer for just a second. I'm not sure if I want to further along your addiction right now, friend. That's okay. Okay. You're right. You're right. I've got to stop. It's costing me friendships. I find myself still huffing like I'm 22, even though I'm double that, plus a couple.
00:41:20
Speaker
Try to guess my age. Wait, actually time out. Everybody try to guess my age. I would have put you at 30, 72. Oh, thank you. Now we know more than that. Follow the logic. Let me smell your breath real quick.
00:41:42
Speaker
I'm going to change my answer to one. Okay. It's not 72 and it's not one, but I'll give you a hint. It's in between those two.
00:41:53
Speaker
Is it 36? It's more than 44. Think about the clues. It's 22 times two. It can't be more than 44. It's 40. No. Is this Family Feud style? Not Family Feud, sorry. Let's make a deal. Price is right. Are these Price is Right rules? Because I'm going to stick with one. They are. Because if you go over, then you are, yes, disqualified. Right. I need a huff.
00:42:20
Speaker
Well, in these times of huffing, we should all look to serve. All right. All right. I'm going to give you a hint. It's in the 40s, and it's more than 44. 41. 52. No, no. I changed it back to one. It is between the numbers of 45 and 49. That is five numbers. There are five other people in this room. If everyone guesses one of them, one of you will be right.
00:42:50
Speaker
One.
00:43:01
Speaker
When I was on the road doing Mission Improbable shows, we always ended our shows with three things. And that's where you have, we would have people, it's a guessing game, kind of like charades, but a little bit more hardcore. And at one school, while we started three things, we realized, and when I say we, it was not me, somebody else was doing it, that it was black magic markers. It wasn't try a race, they were permanent markers. And,
00:43:29
Speaker
I know that it was going, I knew it was happening and I had like kind of given some hints and clues, but the person was like, it's too late. We're just going to have to use this permanent marker. So they wrote up all over a whiteboard with permanent marker. I don't know what happened after. It was like nail polish remover or something, I suspect.
00:43:49
Speaker
I hope they figured it out. It's a college. Maybe they got people together, but that was one of those real, it was like watching a train wreck in slow motion with a little less consequences than a train wreck. I used to write graffiti.
00:44:06
Speaker
Way too old into my life, though. Was it like good artistic graffiti or just signatures? No, more signatures. That's fine. I never heard the term signature, but I think I know what you mean. Yeah. More of a tag. And I don't want to judge because I'm sure you had a great time, but I think tagging is stupid. But I think graffiti is beautiful. Of course you do. That's why we do it. We don't do it so people in Venice Beach think it's cool. The stuff you think is cool is not what we like. We don't like street art. We don't like fantasy. We like people letting you know we were here.
00:44:36
Speaker
All that to say though, I would do some stuff, maybe I'd be a little drunk or something and then I'd have to see it the next morning, like going to call and I would just be so embarrassed. I would just see my stupid tag up and down the street as I'm headed to school or whatever and be like, fuck, what am I doing? It was- What was your tag? Was it your initials or did it say like- No, it changed a couple of, I ended with totes, T-O-T-E-S.
00:45:02
Speaker
That's not bad. So part of how you find your graffiti name, just quick little nugget here. I am so intrigued because this is something you watch. We all know. And then grab your favorite line of dialogue and that's your technique. Exactly. Exactly. You might notice some are kind of harder to read than others. And that's because one technique is you practice doing the alphabet.
00:45:23
Speaker
like a bunch with different writing styles. And when you come across some letters that are easier for you, you put those together. Totes is actually an actual word, but sometimes you see things like crin, C-R-I-N, somebody just has good style with those particular letters. Oh, that's cool. I didn't know that. Totes was always easy because I could do it. Another thing was efficiency, like how quickly could you do it? And mine was just marker. And also I'm embarrassed, but here we are.
00:45:52
Speaker
I have a quick one. So in Denver, there's people tag everything every all the buildings in the back, like, like our building in the back was like covered and then like someone else would come and covered again and covered. It was just like looks chaotic. It was it was nice, though. There's like a lot of good art. But I just discovered a couple of months ago that you can call the city and like or you can go online.
00:46:17
Speaker
And you basically put in a request that's like, they will come and paint your building of like, get rid of your graffiti. So I did that and then like legit a week later, a tag and then another tag on top of that tag. But I just think it's so crazy that you can, that it happens so often that they have an actual website for the city that you can like put these requests in and do it.
00:46:44
Speaker
It's Burbank too. Burbank gets the... You just call the city and they come and take care of your tag. That makes sense for Burbank for sure. I lived there.
00:47:02
Speaker
I don't know if this is the right number to call, but I'd like to report my neighbor's house. It's atrocious the way that it looks. Everybody's got normal Lutra colors and hers is purple. It sticks out. So could we get the graffiti team to come down? You're just reporting the general aesthetics of your neighbor?
00:47:28
Speaker
It looks like a real bad graffiti job, but on the whole building, so if you could just match it to earth tones like everything else on the street. I think this is a misuse of city funds, if I'm being honest. I apologize if it doesn't align with your wishes, but the address is 1437. 1437. 15th Street. Why am I writing this down? Okay, 15th Street.
00:47:55
Speaker
Wait, is this not your job? It is my job. My job is to clear up graffiti, people defacing each other's deliberate choices. Everybody on our block has chosen to have normal colors on their house and this asshole. All right, so it's it's a 1437 15th Street. Is that right, Paul? That's that's the number you got from. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
00:48:25
Speaker
Wait, wait, wait. 1437 15th Street. Yeah, something wrong with that? Oh, boy. You know, I've been in the painting game, well, a very long time. Someone lives there, Paul, that I got to say she's the real deal. She's as hardcore as they get. She's going to purple that house back faster than we can paint it over? Faster than we can paint it over. Frankly,
00:48:54
Speaker
I'm not the man for the job. I can't put myself at risk. You know, I got a baby on the way, Paul. I understand that, but you could be a family man next month. We got to take care of this. I guess you're right. I could be a family man next month.
00:49:11
Speaker
Carl, you know, I'm really upset because this is the fourth person who has called me and said congratulations on your impending daughter.
Pregnancy Rumors & Surprises
00:49:23
Speaker
And you gotta stop telling people I'm pregnant. You know that I can't have kids. We can't have kids. And it puts me in a weird spot. Baby, it just feels like with that attitude, we definitely can't have kids. Don't call me baby. You know, that's a trigger word for me.
00:49:38
Speaker
That's a, what's it? Infantalization of you? Well, it doesn't matter. And don't call me. I can't have kids. So don't call me baby kiddo. Dude, that's another one I want to talk about. Stop calling me dude. I'm your wife.
00:49:58
Speaker
So it turns out your test results yield that you are in fact pregnant. No, that's impossible. And you've been pregnant for 16 months. No, no, no, no. Yes, in fact. I mean, that's true. It's a stone baby, right? It's just a stone baby's coming out of me. It's actually from the sonogram. It's showing you're having an autonomous baby. Ooh, like a Star Wars character.
00:50:27
Speaker
Yeah, just like a Star Wars character. Now the birth is gonna be painful. Okay, well can we not then? Can we just not? Just leave it in there for a little longer, right? 16 months. You can have that baby next month. Okay, thank God. Don't tell my husband. Okay, 1437 15th Street.
00:50:54
Speaker
Hello. Hi. How's it going? Hi. Hi. Hi. You're handsome. Thank you. I I am. Oh, your pants are so tight. You're so tall. I think. Thank you. Thank you. I guess my weight. Guess my weight. Um, 141 pounds.
00:51:19
Speaker
Bingo, bingo, bingo, guess my height. You're six, seven, aren't you? That's right. You're just a total drink of water, you little sexy man. That's right. We're just a couple of people chatting here. I like the way where this is starting off. Now I got to just say a stupid little thing because it's kind of my stupid little job, but... Okay, so you want some MDMA cookies? What?
00:51:47
Speaker
Some cookies with some M-T-M-A in them. They become inside, give me a back rub. No, I just, here's the thing. I gotta paint your house. Ooh, I like the sound of that. Oh, it's not a euphemism. I literally have to paint your purple house and I got it, turn it neutral. Oh, oh.
00:52:08
Speaker
Who's at the door? No, it's a whole drink of water. I want him to come in and rub our bags. Get him in here. Everyone's glass. Flaps open. Holy shit. Do you like what you see?
00:52:24
Speaker
I do. There's more of us back here if you want to commode inside. We've got double trouble in this house.
Colorful Encounters & Farewell
00:52:31
Speaker
Look, look, look, look. I'm a family man. I could be a family man. I might be a family man. I want to have a family man. Great. You've come to the right place. Look, I know you two are dangerous. I know all about you. I know all about 47th Street. Yeah, 15th Street. It's famous. You're famous. Infamous.
00:52:52
Speaker
I don't want any problems. I'm just going to paint your house and I'm going to go. Okay? You'll paint it slow and, you know, real deliberate like because we want to watch that go down.
00:53:21
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode would not be possible without our post-audio engineer and sound designer, Toy Vocalio, and our incredible Patreon supporters who help me financially afford to make this creative show. If you'd like to support the show, go to patreon.com slash Original Understudies.
00:53:46
Speaker
Thank you all for the incredible outpouring of suggestions. I do hope that you know that it was an April Fool's joke, but I will get to them in an orderly fashion. Maybe we'll have an episode where we use three, bang, bang, bang. I won't make you hang forever, but thank you for sending so many emails and suggestions through the Google form. And I'd say more than half of you are putting your name at the end of them, so good for you.
00:54:18
Speaker
Peace.