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Original Understudies - EP 92- Bad Boyz Of Buffalo
142 Plays11 months ago
This weeks suggestion is sent in from Craig. Baseball Vs Softball
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Shannon Bacchus - @TheShannonBacchus
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Rich Baker - Richbakercoaching.com
Rob Gamble
Jack Zullo - JackZullo.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Format
00:00:09
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Original Understudies, where I've gathered the world's most original understudies, and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions. Now, I've been listening to a couple of old episodes as I was transcribing in this and that, and something I've done on a few occasions was give the suggestion beforehand so people could come up with ideas that it inspires. So don't let this inspire your introduction, but the suggestion is
Improv Suggestion: 'Bad Boys of Buffalo'
00:00:39
Speaker
The suggestion is the bad boys of Buffalo.
Meet the Improvisers
00:00:45
Speaker
Let's introduce the improviser, starting with Rich Baker. Welcome back, Rich Baker. Where would you like people to find you online? Thanks, James. Always glad to be back. If anyone's interested in improv classes online from your computer and have a lot of fun on Zoom, check out richbakercoaching.com or follow at richbakercoaching on Instagram or Facebook, please.
00:01:06
Speaker
Groovy, and we've got Robert Gamble back. Robert, thanks for coming back. Where would you like people to find you online? Online, I don't think that's possible. I'm usually at my apartment or working at the West Side Comedy Theater five to seven days a week, so.
00:01:23
Speaker
There you go. And next up we have Shannon Baucus. Shannon, welcome back. How would you like to be found out in the world? I would like to be found this week with a motorcycle mechanic who does work on my bike for free and fixes everything for me. That's what I've been hoping for this week. But, you know, if you want to find me on the internet, it's at the Shannon Baucus on Instagram, but that's where I would like to be found.
00:01:52
Speaker
And last but not least, wearing his Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart Club band. I think I said that wrong. It's Jack Sullo. Jack, welcome back. Where would you like people to find you online? Best place is jacksullo.com.
College Days and Fraternity Antics
00:02:07
Speaker
So does anybody have any inspiration from the bad boys of Buffalo? Well, I mean, I gotta jump in here real quick. I went to school in Buffalo and I was part of an animal house type fraternity.
00:02:23
Speaker
I literally raged. You've seen PCU. You've seen, you know, you've seen- I don't know that everybody's seen PCU, but I used to watch that movie religiously. Shannon, have you seen it? No, but I'm very familiar with Animal House. My dad would show it to me as children. It's a David Spade movie. Animal House was amazing. I guess I kind of, this might be heresy in a group of comedians, but I liked PCU better than Animal House.
00:02:52
Speaker
No, I agree with that. It was just maybe it's just because I was younger. Like it was coming out when I was like learning about comedy. But it's at a different time. Right. Like if we were we were alive in the 70s or we'd seen it, you know, that would have been different. But like PCU just hit us. It's a great movie in and of itself. But like it just hit us where it needed to.
00:03:11
Speaker
Yeah, and I'll say this about Animal House, like Animal House was nostalgia for a different generation. It was a nostalgia for the fifties and that the simpler times, then here were these crazy fraternity people. So, but PCU basically was, I think was, I enjoyed that movie, I think better as well. I think it's a solid state, but take all those movies, crumple up in a ball, throw it in the trash,
00:03:37
Speaker
because my fraternity experience was 10 times, a billion times better, because we were the bad boys of Buffalo. Wow. What sort of bad things did you do? Because I don't know you that well, but I kind of don't believe you. Okay, so...
00:03:53
Speaker
Let's see. That's a gutsy statement. I mean, honestly, prove it. I've always taken him as word and never questioned him. You're an unzoomful of improvisers. You really, I'm not buying bad boys. But just so you know, we have cops and people that listen to this show religiously. So if you say too much, you're going to go to jail.
00:04:13
Speaker
I used to hang out. I used to hang out with the cops. The cops used to work our parties. All right. I, I, I jumped off, you know, the second story of houses into my friend's arms. Although one time they missed me and I just, that's romantic.
00:04:28
Speaker
I just think he's kind of romantic. We've had we had a Halloween bus where we would rent buses and go do a like do a pub crawl in downtown Buffalo with like kegs on the bus, people surfing on the bus like Teen Wolf. I mean, we it just we fought the football team on a consistent basis. I mean, we really just do physical fights.
00:04:51
Speaker
Yeah, like physical. Like the outsiders where they'd get together and have a rumble. Like I would be the dude at the bar while my fraternity was fighting the football team, just moving my drink out of the way and just like watching everything go down because I wasn't really a fighter. I was more of a drinker. I was like, you guys are just wasting time.
00:05:10
Speaker
I was like, why are you wasting time fighting when you could be at the bar drinking with me? He's having philosophical conversations while everyone else is fighting. Yes. There was no frats at my school. I went to theater school, so the closest thing we had to a sport, and I imagine that it's hard to have a frat without a sports team, but we had Ultimate Frisbee at Columbia College.
00:05:35
Speaker
And there was no frats, unless there was frats that I just never saw there. No, it was a big frat school and they were just like, nobody tell Jay. Don't tell Jay. I mean, I was pretty cool. They would have had a lot of fun had they invited me in. Yeah, you're pretty fun. Were you good at Ultimate Frisbee?
00:05:54
Speaker
I didn't play ultimate frisbee. I liked frisbee golf, but ultimate frisbee from my understanding, you had to run a lot and like it was more like soccer or football. That's not everything I loved about frisbee golf was
00:06:11
Speaker
smoking weed and throwing a frisbee disc and walking through the forest to the next chain goal or whatever you call it. That ties back into PCU, right? Because in PCU there's an ultimate frisbee match. And it's like this, these super stoned out kids playing older frisbee. It's like, it is very difficult to play ultimate frisbee stone because you're, I mean, it is an athletic theme. Like they should have done frisbee golf, which is perfect to play stone.
Comedic Skits and High School Memories
00:06:35
Speaker
Exactly.
00:06:38
Speaker
We really didn't have like, so I played football in Mississippi and it was like a religion basically, but it was basically all the bad kids, all the kids that were bad at football, watching the kids that were good at football play. And it really got to the point where I was like, this is so ridiculous. So I started this thing with a buddy of mine, Jacob Altman. We go around and we'd have this talk show. It was called sideline chat with the Jacob Altman, Robert Gamble. And we would just like go around
00:07:05
Speaker
And we would interview people on the sidelines while we were watching all of the other popular, good sportsmen, kids at the school just like go at it, you know? And we just had to have something to do on the sidelines besides just watch them.
00:07:24
Speaker
Did you like write in the school paper or was it an audio kind of pie? No, no, no. This was like in 1998. This was like, 96. It was just me and it was just like, eh, yeah. And it was just like something that was just fun to do while we were just sitting there. It was just like, I just saw the ridiculousness. We were all just sitting there watching all the kids that were good at football play. And it was just like, what are we doing? Like when we're on, they're not gonna let us play. Did you guys not have beer?
00:07:52
Speaker
No, no, no. We're like 12 or 13 years old. Oh. We didn't even have access. I thought we were still in college. No, no, we're not in college. Sorry, I should have mentioned that. This is so much in middle school, high school.
00:08:17
Speaker
All right, so we're gonna do a practice fire drill with the family, okay? So I'm gonna stand downstairs, and when I tell you I'm ready, I need you to jump into my arms, all right? I just, you promise you'll catch me, Dad. I'm not really sure about this.
00:08:35
Speaker
Listen, any time I have ever let you down before, don't let that reflect upon today. This is a fire drill. But there was the time at the talent show where you said I could do that. You would help me with the peer away and you just spun me off the stage. That was really embarrassing. We got a huge round of applause from the audience. They thought that was hilarious. They were applauding for the EMT when they put me on the stretcher.
00:09:04
Speaker
The whole thing was a banger, okay? It was great.
Math Test Showdown Plan
00:09:08
Speaker
We're gonna film this for my YouTube channel downstairs, okay? Dad, I gotta tell you, I don't respect you as a man. Hold on, let me turn this camera off. What? Yeah.
00:09:19
Speaker
I don't, I don't respect you at all. There's nothing you do that I find admirable. Okay. Well, let's talk about this afterwards. I'm trying to make a tutorial video. Okay. I really don't think you should be doing that. You're giving bad advice online and you're charismatic. So people will listen to you.
00:09:36
Speaker
All right, fine. Let me let me tell you something off camera. It's a prank. I wasn't going to catch you. I know. You're just a liar. No, I'm not a liar. I'm a prankster. OK, that's what happens when you get born into a YouTube prankster family. OK, I'm 10. I could call Child Protective Services. Are you legally allowed to prank your child like this?
00:09:58
Speaker
Please don't do that. Did you want me to stop the audio recording too? Oh my God, please stop the audio recording. Can you go back a couple minutes and delete that? I'm trying to figure it out. I'm gonna go.
00:10:11
Speaker
Terry, I'm going to hit record and we're going to start fresh. Okay. And you got 10 year old bones. I'm sorry. Before we go again, Terry's a little shiny. You want me to come in with some last looks? I got to do some last looks. Sure. Do some last looks. Terry, you've got to stop sweating. This is insane. What sort of bad karma did I have in a past life to end up in this situation? Could you not move? I'm trying to just touch you up here.
00:10:42
Speaker
All right, team, listen up. Those nerds are over there. They think they're going to beat us on this math test. OK, that's not happening. That's not going down today. All right. You're going down, man. The nerds are going down. That's right, Hock. This is what's happening. OK, we're going to go in there. We're going to we're going to put up. We're going to put up multiplication. We're going to put up division multiple. We're going to put it up. You guys studied, right? You guys you guys read the book. You read the book.
00:11:12
Speaker
the book. Yeah. We're going to, we're going to read a book. Yeah. The book that they gave us at the beginning of the class, we were supposed to read the book and study for the book. I don't want to be like a dick, but that book didn't have a lot of words in it. It was mostly a bunch of numbers. So that's what it's supposed to be. It's math. This is a math class. Okay. This, those nerds are going to beat us guys. Yeah. I don't want to,
00:11:37
Speaker
I don't know. I don't want to be. You tell me nobody studied. Nobody studied for the exam. We study. I'm more of a drinker. Yeah. Yeah, he drinks. You guys spent all night drinking and you didn't study at all for this exam. OK. All right.
00:12:00
Speaker
I don't know. I think that they made a foolish error going against us in a math competition. I honestly think they have so many concussions that they didn't know what sort of deal they were getting into. There's a sign of me that's worried that maybe it's a setup. They wouldn't do that to us. Come on.
Medical Mishaps and Aspirations
00:12:22
Speaker
They just want to have some friendly math competition.
00:12:32
Speaker
Alright, this is where we're gonna set him up, okay? We're gonna go over there and we're gonna act like we're their friends, okay? And then once we've earned their trust... We headbutt him! We headbutt him! No, no, no! Don't hurt anyone, okay? Remember what happened last time, alright? Don't hurt anyone. We don't need another incident at the hospital, alright?
00:12:53
Speaker
I just I don't want to end up in the hospital with a broken clavicle again. What are the odds that you'd get a broken clavicle in a math competition? I don't know. I mean, they talked to us about joining their frisbee golf team before and I did it.
00:13:10
Speaker
All right, friends, guys, friends, you know how we're friends? You see how we're sitting here talking right now? OK, we're going to go over there. Yes, we're going to go over there. And they're going to punch you. I want to punch you right now. No, no, no. Huck. Stop. OK, don't do that. Don't punch him. OK, now it's you're trying to do football right now. OK, what I need you to do is I need you to listen. OK, I need you to watch. What? What? Watch the television. Friend, don't push.
00:13:33
Speaker
Don't push. Exactly. You're right. You're right, Thomas. Don't push. Okay. We're just going to go over there and be their friends. Okay. That's it. Okay. They're coming over here. Be cool. Okay. I'm going to pop my collar. Hey, that's a pretty cool shirt. You got going on there. I like how you popped your collar. Thanks. My mom got it from target. I'm sorry about your clavicle.
00:14:00
Speaker
Thank you. I really appreciate that, Duke. Hock, friend. So I guess there's going to be quite the competition today, huh?
00:14:15
Speaker
Yeah. We were, we were kind of hoping that, uh, uh, we could just, you know, uh, maybe have a little sportsmanship before we started the competition. You know what I mean? Oh, I got captain captain. Huddle real quick. Huddle. Huddle. Sorry guys. What's her? Hey captain. We gotta, we, we were losing them. We're losing their attention real bad. We gotta, we gotta zow them. We gotta whip whap and wow them. You know what I'm saying?
00:14:39
Speaker
All right. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll throw a ball. I'm going to throw a ball. I just want to start this off by showing you guys something. Okay. Yeah. Toss me that ball.
00:15:05
Speaker
You did it again, what did you do?
00:15:25
Speaker
We're just gonna patch up that nose of yours. Ooh, ooh, it's a little slidey. It's a little slidey on your face. Is that a problem? I mean, is she ever gonna look the same? What? This is my money maker. Well, the truth is, is your face is gonna be growing a bunch in the next couple of years. So I'm sure that- A bunch of what? My daughter needs to be beautiful, okay?
00:15:54
Speaker
Well done. Okay. Sweetie, you're gonna be beautiful. We're just gonna, whatever we can to fix your nose. Done. Done. Done. What's happening to me? Oh my God. So this, the little piece of, it's like, it's like cartilage in the center. It seems to be sliding around. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna put a helmet on you, okay? It's a metal helmet. Have you seen my hair?
00:16:23
Speaker
This is not her hair is one of her greatest. Look at it. She's Farrah Fawcett on steroids. Are you kidding me? Well, I'm sure the kids at school won't make fun of you. It's a it's a it's a you barely move out. Why would you say that? Why would you say that? No one makes fun of my daughter.
00:16:39
Speaker
I'm sorry, I've always been told that my bedside manner is terrible as a doctor. Terrible. You're just terrible. What are you like? This metal face mask helmet should keep the nose in place. She looks like Hannibal Lecter, you idiot. Are you kidding me? People are going to think I'm a cannibal. It's OK, doctor. A lot of people abuse you. This is a safe space where you can cry. It's OK. Thank you.
00:17:08
Speaker
I just I was just trying to help. I could have just left her face and her nose be droopy, but I know you're a good guy. You're a hero. OK, thank you. All heroes don't wear capes or something like that, right?
00:17:21
Speaker
It's not all heroes don't wear capes. Some heroes do wear capes. And God, they make me jealous. I've always thought the hospital should give us capes because then people would have a different kind of respect for us. Well, maybe we can make that happen. You know, we can talk to the administration, see if it's in the budget, a little cape budget.
00:17:40
Speaker
Well, that would be real nice. Yeah. Huck, wear cape. Huck, wear cape. And friends all get hurt. Yeah. Well, thanks for finally contributing to the group session, buddy. You're doing great. Thank you. Yeah. And you're so much more articulate, too. I try. Make words good, string together. You're a little Shakespeare over here. Look at you. All right. Very nice. So, Doc, how you feeling? I just want to make sure we're happy.
00:18:09
Speaker
I got to be honest. I feel like I kind of need a different group. I want to be surrounded by adults. First of all, a whole full grown adults. Wow. And I also feel it's a little ridiculous. He's clearly a football player. I'm a hero. I'm like a legit capable hero. You said it was a safe space, so I'm just trying to be honest. Yeah, I guess I did. Sorry, Huck. Huck's feelings hurt. Yeah, yeah.
00:18:44
Speaker
So how's my little boy doctor doing at work? How is everything going, sweetheart? I'm a full grown, I'm a full grown child, OK? I've grown
Sibling Shenanigans and Injuries
00:18:56
Speaker
up. I'm not Doogie Howser. I'm a doctor. They they called me. They said they were worried about you. They said that you needed some more grown up adults to be around. So I just thought I could maybe you could join me and my friends when we're playing bridge today.
00:19:13
Speaker
I brought the cupcakes. Oh, is this your son? This is my son, the doctor that I'm always talking about. Look at how handsome he is. He's very handsome. He looks just like his father. I'm on forced suspension right now. Oh, bad boy. Oh, dear. I was caught punching the skeleton. The skeleton displayed my office out of frustration. Oh, they're probably just jealous of how smart you are, dear.
00:19:38
Speaker
Definitely, look at you, you're young, you're spry, you punch whatever you want, sweetheart. Can you open this bottle of Coca-Cola for me? My arthritis is killing me. It's the only way you get things done around there is just, is you have to make it known that you have the answers. I mean, you're a doctor. You're the first doctor in our family. I've been thinking about quitting being a doctor. There it is, here you go. Thank you, sweetheart. I want to do something, I want to do something different. Like what?
00:20:06
Speaker
What is it that you want to do? Being a hero, like a like a street vigilante. That is disappointing. Get out that old costume again and put it on, are you? I don't know. I spent years putting you through therapy trying to get you out of that thing. Charlie, I thought you said he grew out of that thing. I thought he did. We spent thousands of dollars, thousands just to get him to work through the hole. I don't know if I could go back to Boca Raton if your son is acting like this.
00:20:40
Speaker
Hey man, just be cool. I heard a rumor that Dr. Vigilani is back on the streets. Man, I don't know if I want to fight Outerworld, if I want to commit crime anymore. I know, I'm thinking about reforming my ways too. He was such a badass back in the day. He used to break jaws like a Jawbreaker. Yeah, that's what called him the Jawbreaker. Yeah, the Dr. Vigilani the Jawbreaker. Yeah.
00:21:07
Speaker
I'm scared, man. I'm really scared. Whatever comes after us. I'm scared of you two. Get these money bags in that armored car. Sorry, boss, boss, boss, boss. What? Dr. Vigilante, the job breaker, is back on the streets. Nah, that guy's just a legend. A myth. I don't even believe in it. Get these money bags put in the solid car. Yeah, but now I'm working. Boss, boss, boss, you said the Chupacabra wasn't real and then there was a Chupacabra.
00:21:38
Speaker
I was wrong. I was wrong. You said the Sasquatch wasn't real, and then we pulled that gig in the woods, and all of a sudden, we were accosted by Sasquatch. I didn't know Sasquatch was the same as a Yeti. My bad.
City Life and Futuristic Misunderstandings
00:21:49
Speaker
Get those money, dicks. Did somebody say code blue? He also said Dr. Vigil. There he is. Don't break my jaw. Please, don't break my jaw. Put the money back down, or I'm going to zap you with the defibrillator.
00:22:17
Speaker
When I was a kid, my, and this was in the 90s, so I don't know if this kind of thing could be, could happen again, ever again. But my friend was with me and we're playing basketball at a third friend's house. And his finger got jammed.
00:22:34
Speaker
by the basketball and it got dislocated and it looked really bad. And the parents there were like, you got to leave. We're not taking you to the doctor. And I think they were worried about a lawsuit is what was going on. And his parents weren't home and we couldn't get ahold of them because it was before cell phones. So my mom brought them up to the doctor's office
00:22:59
Speaker
And they were like, and he didn't really seem like he was hurting that much at the time. I don't remember. I was, I was kind of, I mean, I was, I don't know what his level of pain was, but he wasn't screaming. And she wasn't- It's just that finger, you know? It was, it was just his, and his pinky finger at that. Honestly, the kind of finger you can just get rid of. I barely used my pinky. What are we, fancy? No.
00:23:26
Speaker
I'm not fancy, no way. My mom was not his mom and the doctors were like, well, we're really not supposed to do anything without like his parental permissions and stuff. And she's like, my mom like had an argument with the doctor and the doctor took him into a broom closet and reset his finger by just pulling his finger. And it was done in like five minutes and it was all off the books. Did he fart?
00:23:52
Speaker
I don't, I mean, I should ask that friend again. Was anybody else in the broom closet? What else happened in there? I think my mom, I don't remember it that well, but my mom went with him. I don't know if that kind of thing could happen these days. Like they stepped into the back alley and was like, all right, kid, we're going to do this really quick. Well, that was what happens. It was like, exactly. It was like a back alley thing, but it was inside the house. It's not like they have cameras inside the room to like prove that the doctor did anything. He could have just stayed in the room.
00:24:21
Speaker
I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy. I don't think he ever made it to the room was the thing. We were in the waiting room area and they were talking to us. They actually wouldn't see him without his own parent being there. Actually, then I support this. This is fine. Yeah.
00:24:36
Speaker
I don't know for sure that it was a broom closet, but I do know for sure it wasn't like an official doctor's room. It was like, step aside, son, let me show you what to do. I have two older brothers and they're both really big and athletes and stuff.
00:24:53
Speaker
They were always way bigger than all their friends their age and really early in childhood my dad had to like start having talks with them that they couldn't rough house with their friends the way boys like to rough house because they could kill their friends on accident like a real sort of like of mice and men Lenny situation, you know, they could like accidentally crush their friends for sure and
00:25:17
Speaker
Like my brothers like knew this like they've been warned warned about this They had some good like wherewithal but they were in high school and them and their friends made up this game where they would duct tape Garbage cans to their back and then they would make a ball out of socks And you had to try and get the ball into the other person's garbage can on their back
00:25:39
Speaker
That sounds like an amazing game. It's like kind of rough and stuff, but it's really fun. And anyway, my brother dislocated his friend's shoulder playing that game and he had to go to the hospital and ended up, not only was the shoulder dislocated, but his clavicle was broken.
Absurd Personal Encounters
00:25:54
Speaker
And like for the entire rest of his junior year, had to wear this like thing and like couldn't play sports and he was a tennis player. And did your brother get his ass sued? No.
00:26:05
Speaker
Oh, because they're they're just stupid teenage boys. And they're like, well, there you go. Now, now Chris has a broken shoulder. I got punched in the face one time. And when I went and looked in the mirror after I got myself up off the floor and woke up and and like my nose was just sitting over here.
00:26:26
Speaker
And, and I just went into the mirror. I just cracked it back into place. You cracked it yourself. Did you pass back out again? No, no. I mean, it was, it was smart. Is this part of your frat? No, no, this is, I did break my ribs playing tackle football with my frat. Cause one of my biggest friends like hit me going over the middle.
00:26:50
Speaker
and cracked my ribs. And then I went to like the emergency room at the school and one of my other fraternity brothers was there and he was sitting there like with his hand in a splint. And it was like, what happened to you? He was like, what happened to you? I was like, I was playing football and, and fence to hit me and broke my ribs. And he's like, I'm like, what happened to you? And he holds up his hand. He's like, fence to, so what am I, one of my like really like big friends just used to like by accident hurt everybody.
00:27:19
Speaker
It doesn't seem like it was an accident anymore. It was. He was just he was like a big lummox a little bit. Welcome to the official broom closet. This is where all city business takes place. Please stay to business.
00:27:46
Speaker
Yes, I was hoping to have the parking meters replaced along the main avenue there. I try to pay it every time and it just is not taking my money anymore. It seems to be a problem with the city. I try to give up my money and it's just not giving it to me. Excellent. Well, you need to go down to broom closet number three. That is parking meters. I will forward them your information. Thank you for coming to the city broom closets. I see. Yes.
00:28:16
Speaker
Hi, listen, here's the thing. I've been here twice already every single week, and my neighbor is still putting their
Scams and Life Reflections
00:28:24
Speaker
trash into my trash bin. I see, yes. Would you like a broom? I would, yes. There you go. Anything else you can offer me? Down the hall, maybe there's a... No, I can't offer anything.
00:28:42
Speaker
No, no dust pan option. That'd be a different department, I think. God, bureaucracy. Okay, thank you. Hey, how you doing? Welcome to the broom closet. So I'm here to make out with you. Excellent. Well.
00:29:07
Speaker
Let us hands forth. You seem nervous. A little bit, but I'm game. I've always wanted to play seven minutes in heaven with somebody with power, someone so attractive. Shut that room closet door behind you then. I like where this is going and starting my counter right now.
00:29:37
Speaker
I love being timed. Meters, meters in the closet. How can I help you? Yes, I was trying to pay the the toll at the the meters on Main Street and they are not allowing me or accepting my money.
00:30:03
Speaker
Well, meters on Main Street take tap to pay now, so get with the tires. This is a little ridiculous. I mean, I have money here. This is hard-earned cash coins. That's a lot of pennies.
00:30:20
Speaker
Please, let's get it all over. My desk is very small in this. I just want to be able to park where I want to park. I don't need any of this guff about the plastic being used because my credit card isn't going through.
00:30:37
Speaker
Now, right here, let's scoop all that into your bag and let's let's step out to the meters.
Conclusion and Thanks
00:30:43
Speaker
Let's take a look at it. All right. Here we are. I dropped a few. I mean, it's just my coins, sir. Mine. I think it's going to take a long time for you. All right. Please. All right. Fine. Look at here. Look, look, it's not allowed me to pay. I am trying to pay the city.
00:31:06
Speaker
That's where you tap to pay. It's the little three lines that look like a sonak, sonak blast, sonic blast. Tap to pay. I'm tapping. I've tapped on that thing with my fingers several times. You see my credit card. It's got the same little sonak. You know, in other cities, they have an app where you can just feed the meter on that. So you don't need to keep walking back and forth to your car.
00:31:31
Speaker
Well, that's great to hear about your city, but my city still runs their meetings in burn closets. Sure. Whatever. I say good day. I say good day to you. Good day!
00:31:44
Speaker
Okay, so this card here, you should go to your bank and probably issue you. You tell me SODAR. SODAR shoots out of this card and goes into the meter. Is that what you're saying to me right now? I don't know for sure how it works, but gosh, that makes a lot of sense. Are you into science? I don't understand any of this, okay? I'm just trying to use my hard earned cash.
00:32:15
Speaker
Yes, so we've invented a new credit card technology to make paying at the register faster. We don't know how it works, but the money is being transferred and you asked for something new, so we delivered.
00:32:31
Speaker
Well, thank you. I just want to be clarified here. Is it going to make us more money? Are we sapping more money from the working stiff and putting it in our coffers? There is definitely more money coming in. Where it is coming from, we're not sure. We think another planet actually. Great.
00:32:50
Speaker
Foreign currency is just as good as homegrown US dollar bucks. Yeah, and no, no interest. So you said another planet. Yeah, it's because it's not coming in in dollars or any other currency we're familiar with. If anything, it's just sort of like radiating green heat.
00:33:10
Speaker
We're going to need to get our radioactive mathematicians on this one. These guys know what they're talking about. Did someone call for a radioactive mathematician? Yes, we have. We have some numbers, Steve. Numbers. Yeah, numbers that you need to look at. They're growing and they're glowing. They're growing and they're glowing green.
00:33:35
Speaker
These are fun. Steve, calm down. This is more our work right now. Steve, put your penis away. Put your penis away. I just love numbers so much. Put your penis away. All right, zip. Steve, can you just tell us if these are Earth numbers? These are not Earth numbers. Okay. These are space numbers. Space numbers.
00:34:03
Speaker
Boy, I was really glad that I was able to help you make all of those shoes while you were asleep last night. I was wondering if maybe the friendship with benefit thing could go both ways. You know? Why? I certainly think so. I mean, as long as you just keep putting those shoes out, I mean, I'll, you know, I'll keep stringing you along.
00:34:28
Speaker
Well, see, I don't really appreciate it that much. I see how I play into the rule, but what do you do for me, big guy? You're just a lumbering bag of bones, if you ask me. I provide a house for you. I provide a place to sleep. I give you food. You are using electricity. I paid for that phone in your hand. Like what?
00:34:53
Speaker
It's a family plan. It doesn't cost you that much more. It doesn't cost you that much more. And I live in between the walls. My family's been between the walls of this house since before you moved in here. You know what? Why don't you go tell the good people at T-Mobile that, okay? This is a good quality cell phone.
00:35:16
Speaker
I'm sorry, you're telling me you live in a wall and so you'd like a different phone plan? My entire family of gnomes lives in the walls of a house and we're part of the family plan of the gentleman and his family that moved in. Okay. Does that make sense? No, but I can't refuse another customer. I'll get fired. So I guess what I can do is
00:35:44
Speaker
Give you a discounted rate? I gotta be honest. I'm not even sure why he sent me to talk to you because I want to stay on his family plan. The state of the eye. Open up.
00:36:03
Speaker
This is an FBI open-up. We know there's a child in there. Wait a second. Well, first of all, Mr. FBI, we are not children. I'm well into my hundreds. We're gnomes. I'm sorry. Can you open the door? I think you said gnomes. Gnomes on the other side of this door. I'll open it a little, but I don't want you- There's someone at the door.
00:36:27
Speaker
Grandpa, the FBI's at the door. I think it has to do with that asshole that bought this house. Well, give him some candy and send him on their way.
00:36:38
Speaker
All right. I don't, I don't know. Can you open the door, please, sir? All right, I'm opening it. You're too big to come in anyways. Oh, you are. Just, I know. You're so small and tiny. What, did you think I was lying to you? No, I didn't. It's just, it sounds ridiculous. I didn't believe in gnomes until I opened the door. You didn't believe in gnomes. I didn't mean to offend you or anything, please. I don't want this.
00:37:12
Speaker
Gerald, I need to talk to you about your latest FBI report. The word gnome got brought up a lot. And I'm just wondering, is this like street slang? This is something I'm not familiar with. Let me start with the beginning. OK, we were tipped off from a lady at T-Mobile that told us that there was a child labor thing happening and he was living in a wall. So we were calling to investigate. I went there and I was greeted by a gnome at the door.
00:37:43
Speaker
All right, we're going to ask you to go on medical leave. This is not optional. This is required. Clearly, your mental health is not doing well. This is what happened.
00:38:01
Speaker
Oh my God, your husband's home early from work. Oh my God, I gotta get my pants picked on. I thought you said he worked till four. Why didn't you just wait for him to come home and all three of us can swing? No, he's a dangerous guy. I don't wanna mess with him, okay? What? What are you talking about? I thought you were a big old sexy man. Listen, you are hot as the day is long, but your husband's an F.
00:38:27
Speaker
Well, he's super handsome and hot and horny, and I think he needs a little lovin' from a man like you. I swear, I'm so tired. It's just like I had such a long... Who is this? This is the answer to your prayers. The answer to my prayers? Excuse me, what are you doing in my house? He's having sex with us.
00:38:49
Speaker
Listen to us. I'm really sorry. We met at yoga class. It was delicious and dirty. You bet. All right. That's what you've been doing while I've been busting my ass for 12 hours a day. You've been going to yoga class talking to other men. Yeah. How do you think I get my legs around my head? Are you serious?
00:39:08
Speaker
You don't seem to be complaining that you need it. I'm just I'm just I'm just compartmentalizing this right now. OK, I have a I have a gun and I am licensed to kill. I suggest that you leave right now. Long gun honey. Right now. Wrong gun. Wrong gun. Show him what you got. Show him what you're packing with. Look, please tell you something. OK, I have to get it off my chest. All right.
00:39:31
Speaker
I saw a gnome today for the first time. I don't know. These are these are the real comes are real. OK, come to mama, come to mama. Let me hug you. Let me. I'm sorry. I'm late for the orchard. Oh, busted. Wait, wait, wait. There's a room closet guy.
00:39:57
Speaker
Those shoes look amazing. You like them? Oh, my God. I mean, I love them. They're a little tight. They're a little small, but they are damn, they are attractive. Well, I don't know. I feel like it's almost cheating to play basketball in those. Well, I got to tell you, I don't want you to think less of me, but all the money we made today hustled these people up on the streets. I think it's because these are magic shoes.
00:40:28
Speaker
Magic shoes? Magic motherfucking shoes. Well, I don't believe in magic. Have you ever seen me dunk before today? No. I'm 46 years old. I'm five foot seven. I weigh 185 pounds. I can't dunk. I put on these shoes. I'm dunking like Patrick Ewing. I'm dunking like Michael Jordan. I'm dunking like Dr. J. You sound insane right now. Just because we hustled some people out of some basketball. Where did you get the shoes? I got the shoes online.
00:40:59
Speaker
Well, are you sure that they're not performance enhancing shoes? They're not. Do they look before? Look how tight they are. Look, look, Mike. They are. They look honestly, they look like you had your feet taped up at a young age and they never grew into the right size. My feet shouldn't even fit in these shoes, but they do.
00:41:22
Speaker
Okay, Mr. Jordan, I've taken care of all your accounts and I have to let you know I finally sold the cursed basketball shoes. Oh, thank God. I was thinking I'd ever get rid of those things. I feel really uncomfortable about placing this curse on some random Craigslist guy, but they're about to become the best basketball player of all time. They're about to become the best basketball player of all time?
00:41:49
Speaker
That's ever lived. That's ever lived. That's the curse. Essentially will ever live. Michael, we've got some space bam posters that we'd like you to sign really quickly. Space bam. I never signed on to space bam. Only genuine space jam material. It's the knockoff. We used AI. This is a knockoff. Somebody's knocking off my movie.
00:42:10
Speaker
All right, fine, sorry. Mr. Jordan, I just don't really feel ethically okay about putting this curse onto someone else. I mean, look what it did to you. Gambling debt, like a mediocre steakhouse in Chicago. You can't sell your mansion. It's been on the market for nearly 15 years. No, that's the price I had to pay. You know, that's the price I paid for greatness. Mike, Mike, I've got some magician's jerseys for you to sign. You mean the Wizards?
00:42:34
Speaker
These are, these ones are, we're selling them on it. Only bulls from the 90s memorabilia will Mr. Jordan sign. Please get out of here. Whatever. I just, I don't think this, this guy's just a random guy from Long Beach. What is he gonna do with it? He bought them on Craigslist. They wouldn't sell Mr. Jordan.
00:42:55
Speaker
This is wrong. Okay. Well, we have to go track them down because I'm not, he shouldn't have to live with that. That was my, that was my burden to bear. Okay. Okay. Do you have any idea how many dollars I made? How, how much money I lost gambling and then got it instantly back right away after just playing a game of basketball, millions, millions and millions of dollars. The only way I could balance it out is if I played basketball. It's been really stressful. Okay.
00:43:37
Speaker
What's the worst scam you've ever fallen for buying off the internet? Occasionally, I will participate in purchasing things from psychics.
00:43:54
Speaker
Psychics, do you believe in psychics? Or is it kind of like a funny joke? I do use it as entertainment value, but also I'm just like, hey, there's some magic in the world. And this one I didn't realize was such a fucking joke until my friends really made fun of me for it. I bought artwork from a psychic who's also an artist who I found on TikTok. And she, I paid money for
00:44:24
Speaker
a painting or like a digital drawing rendering of an AI generated damage of where my soul's home is from. Oh.
00:44:39
Speaker
Oh, that's kind of cool. Did she get to know you before she get to know you first? And she didn't need, they didn't need to. Cause they're saying, yeah, it was just like a beautiful like internet drawing of like waterfalls and leaves and like some tropical area. And I had it framed in my home for a long time. And then me and my friends were going to do mushrooms. I'm like, I want to do mushrooms and stare at my soul's home. And my girlfriends are like, what the fuck?
00:45:05
Speaker
Yeah. A scam I fell for was when I first moved here, I had a dent in the front of my truck and this guy was like, Hey, I can fix that for you. And he ended up drawing like three holes into the dead plaster on it. And I was like, it was like, I don't know. I gave him like 80 bucks or something like that. And I called him up like the next day cause I was like, this plaster isn't drying. What the hell was that? I was like 24, 25. So this plaster isn't drying. Like what? What's going on? He gave me his number and everything. I called him up.
00:45:35
Speaker
And he was like, what do you want? What do you want for me? I was like, well, I want you to fix my truck. He goes, well, I don't know what to tell you. I can't give him the money back. And he like hung up the phone and that was like, I was like, oh, I just got scammed. I briefly back in college got involved with a company called Quickstar, which you've probably never heard of. But it was the temporary name change for Amway, which you probably. Oh,
00:46:03
Speaker
And I'd kind of heard Amway before, like I heard the term, but I didn't really know what it was. And it was kind of a punchline, but I didn't know what it was. And this, but this guy wasn't telling Amway that that word never came up. It was this thing called quick star. And it was like, you were on your own business and you get people under you and blah, blah, blah, financial freedom. And I'm some idiot, you know, like 19 year old, whatever. And the guy who's hawking it is like,
00:46:26
Speaker
like the coolest dude in the dorm. Like, you know, he's like the athlete and he's smart and he's good looking guy and whatever. He's very well spoken. So he gets a lot of us involved. They're like the whole fucking dorm. Like half of us were, it were like, we were going to own our own business. We didn't know anything about anything. And, uh,
00:46:43
Speaker
And then he took us to one conference in drive to Dallas for it. And then he asked us to pitch in for parking. I was like, and then if you if you've never been to an Amway conference, let me tell you, they are brainwashing cult like things where people are chanting and talking about how they'll all be billionaires and how you'll all be billionaires and your friends and family will all be billionaires.
00:47:13
Speaker
And it's quite the experience. And after that thing, like all of us guys look at each other and we're like, we're out, right? We're out. Okay, great. We're done.
00:47:37
Speaker
My dad's gonna kill me. You're just totally, oh my God. It's the whole side scrape. Look, I didn't even see you. The hell were you doing? You came out of nowhere. You either came out of nowhere, kid. I didn't even see you coming. I was parked. I was paying the meter. Oh my God. This guy just came out of nowhere. How could you avoid hitting him? Oh my God, kid. What happened?
00:48:01
Speaker
Wait, what are you talking about? You came out of nowhere. Look at this. I was parked. You guys are gaslighting me right now. What are you doing parking the car there like that? What do you think? I got it all on tape. That was crazy, kid. Do you even have a license? Of course I have a license. But this is my dad's car. Let me see that tape. I already sent it to the cops. You're done for.
00:48:29
Speaker
I mean, I mean, I'm like, come on, guys, my dad's going to kill me. This is the whole side of my dad's car scraped. I was just paying the meter. You're lucky. You're drinking and driving. Yeah. Drinking and driving. Right. Look, like I said all this right now. All right. Just give me 20 bucks. All right. And we'll just call it even. What? Just give me 20 bucks. 20 bucks, kid. Call it even. Call it even. Just give me 20. Any trouble?
00:48:57
Speaker
Yeah, give us each 20 bucks and we'll call it even. It's just 60 bucks and it'll be struck by record. Yeah, that's math, yeah. We'll delete the video and we'll get out of here and never see us again. You swear you'll delete it? We swear. All right, Ari, here's 20, 40. Thank you. And there's 20 for you. All right. All right, look, you dodged a bullet this time. Good luck. Yeah, lay off the boots. Thank you guys. Thank you for being so understanding.
00:49:28
Speaker
Hey kid, I couldn't help but notice you talking to those three people that walked away. I don't know what you saw, but I'll give you $20 if you don't say anything to anybody. Okay. Here you go. Oh geez. Thanks kid, have a great one.
00:49:56
Speaker
All right, so what did you do to the car? Well, look at the car. Look at the car. Look at my brand new portion that one nine eleven. Look at it. Oh, dad, I think that's the way they come, isn't that? No, it's not the way they come. Yeah, I'll give you 20 bucks. I'll give you 20 bucks if you just keep this between twenty dollars. You're going to give me twenty dollars to keep in between us. Uh huh.
00:50:25
Speaker
All right. So, see, all you got to do is just tell your friends about it and then they'll tell their friends about it. And before you know, you're going to go viral sensation. You're going to be a millionaire, kid. So I don't have to do any work at all. No, neither one of you. Just go sit back and relax. That's great. That's really exciting. But here's the thing. Jeff, here is my only friend.
00:50:54
Speaker
Yeah. And Susan here, she's my only friend. Okay. Well, that's fine. So see, you need to do an alternate plan then, which is fine. An alternate plan. You just start a cult. Okay. And then all your followers, you just treat them like they're your friends. Okay. Take people into friendship. I don't know why I didn't think of that sooner.
00:51:15
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, that sounds like, that sounds like some Hollywood type stuff. Yeah. You two seem like very charismatic individuals. I'm sure anyone can start a cult. It's not that big a deal. Oh, charismatic. Do you hear me? I've always, I've always believed I was charismatic. Oh yeah. No, there's no ribs in a bone in my body.
00:51:36
Speaker
Oh, Susan, I think this guy's onto something. You are, you're magical. No, no, I'm just the only female you know. Okay.
00:51:47
Speaker
Look, I don't want to tell you how to run your cults. That's your business. But, you know, a lot of people, they are the incarnate of some God. They speak to God. There's some kind of a connection to the vine. Just pick your God and tell your followers. And then, you know, I'm the messenger of or the human incarnate of whatever you like. I got it. I picked the Pink Power Ranger.
00:52:10
Speaker
Great, great. Wow, I love the Pink Power Ranger. Wow, that is so inspired, Susan. You know what, Jeff, if I could arrange a meeting between you and the Pink Power Ranger.
00:52:29
Speaker
Wow. Wow. All you got to do is give me $10,000. That's a little cult leader right there. Oh, OK. OK. We came so naturally to me. Yeah. Yeah. Do you still want the $10,000? Only if you want to meet the pink Power Ranger. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:52:57
Speaker
Jeff, you've been pretty quiet at dinner this evening. What's on your mind? I had my life changed forever today. Honey, would you pass the turkey? Yes, of course, sure. And the rice? All right. How did your life change today, son? I wound up accomplishing all
00:53:20
Speaker
I'd ever wanted to accomplish on this planet. Can you get me the gravy? I can't have this turkey and rice without gravy. Of course. All the accomplished, go, go, go. Yeah, I just accomplished everything I could ever possibly want. And now I'm just waiting. Okay, well, that sounds fantastic. Cranberry sauce. I already had it in my hands, of course. Thank you, thank you. So what did you accomplish that is everything? I met.
00:53:49
Speaker
The Pink Ranger from the Power Rangers, the original Pink Ranger. Yams, like yams. Thank you for the yams. Okay. And she was beautiful, dad, beautiful. Well, I mean, she's not real is the thing.
00:54:10
Speaker
We can all pretend like this and that, but you know that the Pink Ranger is just an actress, right? No, no, I actually met her.
00:54:22
Speaker
The ham? The ham. I'm enthralled by this. I want to meet the pink ranger. He's just making this sound. I am not making this up, dad. And maybe, maybe that's why I had to go find something outside of this family unit. Maybe that's why I only had one friend until today, where now there's legions of people who want to be just like me and you can't deal with it. Well, that's a pretty strong language to be using at the table. Fuck you, dad.
00:55:09
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our post audio engineer and sound designer, Toy Vocalio, and our incredible Patreon members who helped me afford this creative journey.
00:55:27
Speaker
If you'd like to support the show, go to patreon.com slash originalunderstudies. And if you'd like a suggestion to be used, you've got a couple of options. A, you could email me at originalunderstudiespodcast at gmail.com. Or B, you could go to originalunderstudies.com. There's a little Google form. It's so simple to put in a suggestion there.
00:55:52
Speaker
While you're at the web page, we have a 24 hours a day, seven days a week live stream with different episodes of original understudies and all sorts of easter egg style creative content that I've created over the years. And even featuring some people that are just original understudies that may not have even been on show before. It's wild and crazy content. Original house models.