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Original Understudies - EP 90- Baseball Vs Softball
141 Plays1 year ago
This weeks suggestion is sent in from Craig. Baseball Vs Softball
If you wanted to send a suggestion in, there is no easier way than going to the webpage OriginalUnderstudies.com Don't forget to add some sort of name to credit the suggestion to.
This episode would not be possible with the unending support of our Post Audio Engineer and Sound Designer , Toivo Kallio.
That music at the start... You know who that is? It is The Quick Six, I bet you would love their whole album "County Line" check it out!
Todays Understudies are...
Shannon Bacchus - @TheShannonBacchus
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Chad Reinhart - @ChadReinhart
Rob Gamble
Jack Zullo - JackZullo.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction & Listener Suggestion
00:00:10
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Original Understudies where I have gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you using your suggestions. I'm going to give the suggestion right away so people can think about it before the introductions. It's coming from Craig.
00:00:31
Speaker
I don't want to give his last name away, but I have it. I have access. It says, hey, understudies, thanks for the consistent content. Appreciate the laughs. Heard you needed some suggestions.
Host & Guest Intros
00:00:41
Speaker
So the first thing off the top of my head, softball versus baseball. So let's introduce the improvisers, starting with Chad Reinhardt. You're holding a baseball in your hands. Isn't that weird? I have an entire closet of props in here that are really props. Hi, James, how are you?
00:01:00
Speaker
I'm doing great. Where would you like people to find you? They can find me at Chad Reinhardt on the Instagram, and I will not be on the stage at the West Side Comedy Theatre, but I will be just adjacent to it, pulling focus unbeknownst to the performers.
00:01:17
Speaker
Great. That's perfect. And next up we have Robert Gamble. Rob, welcome back. You've been not really plugging any socials. Is that going to change this week? No, but if you do want to socialize with me, you could send a self-addressed stamped envelope to North Hollywood somewhere. I'm not going to say it with someone.
00:01:36
Speaker
It's a secret. There's an electrical box in North Hollywood with a painting of a flower on it. And if you can find that and drop an envelope there, I'll pick it up and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Perfect. And Shannon. Welcome back, Shannon. How are you and where would you like the world to find Shannon content?
00:02:00
Speaker
I am doing just fine. Thank you. It's a delight to be here. And this week, I would not like to be found. No one, no one perceived me this week. I'm not interested. I just want to be left to sulk unless you have like just like really nice compliments and sweet things to say or give me candies. That'd be nice. But you can find me, I guess you can still find me on Instagram at the Shannon Baucus, but don't perceive me. You accept candy from strangers? Of course.
00:02:29
Speaker
Actually, last time I accepted a cookie from a stranger, I did barf all night. Oh, no. Was it like a hot cookie or was it just a cookie that was... It was a neighbor who was apologizing for something. He was like, well, sorry, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he gave me a cookie and I was like, cool, cookie. And I ate it and I barfed all night.
00:02:47
Speaker
Oh, that sucks. And finally, last but not least, we have Jack Zulow.
Discussion on Softball vs Baseball
00:02:54
Speaker
Jack, where would you like people to find you online? Normally I'd ask people to find me at jackzulow.com, but today I'd like for them to look at me on Robert Gamble's t-shirt. I am actually on the left side wearing a hat and glasses. You could see me in that t-shirt.
00:03:12
Speaker
Uh, Rob's wearing his, uh, his blues brother's shirt. Uh, and, and Jack has, uh, on multiple occasions, put up live blues brothers, sketch comedy shows, life of John Belushi, uh, not blues brothers, comedy shows. It was the life in times of John Belushi, several iterations of it. That's amazing. Me and my writing partner did a blues brothers burlesque show.
00:03:36
Speaker
Oh, that's pretty freaking cool. It is pretty cool. I am so excited to hear there's more Blues Brother content out there. I've performed in I think only one, maybe two of these shows, but you've done how many shows of the Blues Brothers? I keep saying Blues Brothers. It was John Belushi and there was many iterations of it. Yeah.
00:03:54
Speaker
So I did, my Opus is a story, a mixed media play about John Belushi's rise to becoming a star. It traces his life from 67 through 79. So it culminates in the beginnings of the Blues Brothers. We never actually don the hat and glasses, although we were contacted by the,
00:04:20
Speaker
the state of John Belushi in reference to that. But yeah, yeah, I tell a story. The last time I did it was 2019 off Broadway in New York. And the first time I did it was at the Westside Comedy Theater and James played Harold Ramis. I don't mean to correct you on your own memories, but that wasn't the first time you did it.
00:04:43
Speaker
Oh, you know what? That might have been the first time of that. I remember being in that show, I think it was at the Punch Club, but that was like just a bunch of sketches. It wasn't really the congealed final version. That was Hollywood Fight Club. And yes, the actual original itineration of that was me hosting a sketch comedy show as John Belushi, talking about the time in his life as we recreated sketches from SNL, from 75, 76, 77.
00:05:11
Speaker
I still have the bumblebee outfit that you let me use in that show. Sorry. It's not sorry. That's okay. That's been plenty of time for us to think about what we think softball versus baseball. I want to jump in here really quick. The main thing is the throwing. Now, whenever you hear throw like a girl, you never think of an underhanded 60, 70 mile an hour ball coming at you. You think of like,
00:05:39
Speaker
you know, like a dainty kind of thing, you know, so when he's, when he played baseball, which I kind of wonder like whose idea was it? Okay. We're going to throw the ball differently. We're not going to throw it overhanded. We're going to throw it underhanded. And why is it that just the women have to throw it like this? Why can't guys throw it like this? Or why can't it just be implemented into baseball itself? Like what is the, what's going on there?
00:06:04
Speaker
I guess my big thing, I didn't realize when you play softball, it has to be underhand or you just, I didn't know that, why? You'd think that you could throw overhands. There's a huge windup and it goes from the front all the way around and then thrown.
00:06:21
Speaker
And then in baseball,
Sports Attire Appreciation
00:06:23
Speaker
it's just thrown overhand the opposite way. So why does nobody ever wind up going forward like Keith Moon playing the guitar in the who? Wait, that's where. Oh, my God. I don't even want to question myself. I think like winding up is almost just a cartoon version of actually doing something, but I don't play sports, so I don't know.
00:06:46
Speaker
I'd rather focus on what they have in common, you know, like not what separates the two and like not to be divisive. But like I think the thing that softball and baseball can agree on, which is great, is how great all the players look in their tight pants. Like the men's baseball pants look amazing. The women's softball pants.
00:07:09
Speaker
Great. Like just what it's doing for the booties is really, really working across all across the playing field baseball and softball. It's very exciting.
'A League of Their Own' Discussion
00:07:22
Speaker
Yeah, I will chime in and say that if you've not seen the documentary, a league of their own, they do throw overhand in that. And that wasn't softball.
00:07:39
Speaker
Oh, good point. Good point. Good point. So yes, gamble women are able to throw overhand.
00:07:52
Speaker
On the flip side, there are professional baseball pitchers that throw what's called a submarine where it looks like it's a sidearm, but they're actually coming up from the bottom.
Baseball Card Collecting
00:08:04
Speaker
So do a Google search of Dan Quisenberry from the 1980s era Royals. All right. I stand corrected. Boom. That's my offering. Boom.
00:08:16
Speaker
Do people collect softball cards the way they collect baseball cards? There's no way. There's no way. But with softballs, they're a lot bigger. What is it? I can't see your screen. You keep it. Is that total? I keep disappearing. Yep. It's a giant total. It's a box of baseball cards as well. So when I got in this prop closet, it's like the room of requirements. Do you have any baseball cards? Not that I want to.
00:08:44
Speaker
Are there any of them worth anything? Probably like five whole dollars. Yeah. That's it? Yeah. They're 40 years old. My dad has an insane baseball card collection. I think he has like over 10,000 baseball cards, probably more. And he like collects that, like he has binders for every single year. And I think originally it was going to be like our college fund. Like eventually he's going to sell it.
00:09:12
Speaker
But he didn't, so I don't know who's gonna see that money, but it's probably worth a lot.
Sketch: Pawn Shop Comedy
00:09:24
Speaker
This is a Ken Griffey Jr. card. It's not in mint condition, but I'd like to sell it.
00:09:39
Speaker
And sir, just because you drew Ken Griffey Jr. on a greeting card doesn't mean it's, I mean, it's a good likeness, but I wouldn't consider this tradable or, I mean, you could have an art show in or sell it on Etsy maybe.
00:09:58
Speaker
So I'm in a bind right now. Right. I have my oldest is graduating high school and I I've kind of skimped on the college fund. So what can you give me for a Ken Giffey, Ken Giffey Junior? Anything. OK, well, I'm what sort of is this charcoal? What is this? It's pencil, pencil out graphite. I mean, the cardstock's not even that thick.
00:10:27
Speaker
Yeah, I don't know. It's a pretty good likeness. I think, you know, we could use it to decorate the shop. I could throw $25 at you. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Hey, listen. Oh, fuck. You're challenging. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I screwed up bad.
00:10:53
Speaker
I mean, you don't need to go to college these days. I mean, if they have any sort of artistic talent like you, I mean, they could just start making art. He doesn't have any artistic talent. He's all about numbers. He wants to be a doctor. I'm an idiot. Okay. All right. Do you guys have an application?
00:11:15
Speaker
Do you have an application? For college? No, we don't do that here. No, I just need to get like short term, like weekend work. OK, you know, come on. How good are you at deciding what can and cannot be pawned? I mean, you need to have some. I'm here with a hand drawn Ken Griffey.
00:11:42
Speaker
Hi, sir. I'm in a bind here. I've got a couple mortgage payments too. I've got this Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card that I was just wondering if I could just, we'll just exchange it most likely once this real estate deal goes through, I can come back and buy it. But right now I just need some cash. So I have a good price in my head.
00:12:10
Speaker
How about you? What do you think? You're telling me this is a Ken Griffey rookie card? Ken Griffey Jr. I'm like kind of looking for pro cards. You know, I want the professional ones. So this rookie stuff isn't really, you know what I mean?
00:12:28
Speaker
I feel like you're trying to take advantage of me because I'm a new employee here. Oh, okay. I don't know if you understand. The rookie card is his first year in the league before he becomes the all-star that he retired. I get it. It was when he wasn't good is what you're trying to say. Oh, no, he was great. That's why they drafted him. And that's why he- I'm not falling for it. I'm going to bend this card right down the center. Oh, whoa. Oh, my. And now you get out of here and-
00:12:54
Speaker
Listen, that's worth $30,000. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me flatten this out. It will not anymore. Okay, let me get my manager. What seems to be the problem here?
00:13:15
Speaker
I think you guys made a bad choice hiring me. I listen. I you say that all the time. You got to believe in yourself. Okay. Well, I folded this Ken Griffey Jr. Let me see that. Let me see that. Let me see that. Okay. Card in half. Okay. Let me see.
00:13:32
Speaker
Well, you can't just flatten it out, put in a book or something. That's what I was trying to do, but he wants to trade for the charcoal drawing. Should we? Sir, what's your name again? I'm sorry. Alfonso. Alfonso. We got a problem here? Yeah. Yeah. Well, what's the problem?
00:13:57
Speaker
He just cost me $32,000. Oh wow. You never made a bad investment before?
00:14:10
Speaker
All right. Gentlemen, line it up. Line it up. We're going to have ourselves an old fashioned pitch
Improv: New York Yankee Tryout
00:14:17
Speaker
off. All right. You want to be a New York Yankee. You got a pitch. All right. So let's see. I play your number. Let me get my clipboard out. Thirty four. We're yeah. You're first. I want you to throw me a strike, but do it underhand.
00:14:37
Speaker
Uh, underhanded, underhand, just you just want me to toss it over the plate. Fastball strike. You want to be a Yankee or not? OK. All right. All right. Here we go. That was horseshit that that you should be embarrassed. You should go play for the Cubs. You dank rotten man. I'm sorry.
00:15:02
Speaker
Are you ashamed of yourself? You should be ashamed. Okay. Player number 27. Get up here. All right. How's it going there? It's going great. I'm glad you can make it all the way up from Tennessee. You are looking great. Here's the thing. I'm going to need a fastball strike straight over the plate. Then I want you to do it on your tippy toes.
00:15:23
Speaker
All right, I haven't thrown a tippy toe strike in about three odd years. Well, if you want to be a Yankee, I'm going to need you to be on your tippiest of toes. Let's see it. Well, I already am a Yankee through and through.
00:15:42
Speaker
Coach, this guy's way too old. Listen, everybody gets a shot at being a Yankee, all right? Well, I just want you to know I already am a Yankee.
00:15:56
Speaker
Yeah, you don't. If I'm being honest, that's not the accent of a Yankee. So just do the tiptoe pitch so we can move right along. Well, I'm about to knock your socks off with my under-headed tiptoe blazing lightning moonshining NASCAR racing pitch.
00:16:20
Speaker
You know what? Actually, I don't think you're good. You're OK. You can just wait. OK, that's actually I think that's enough. OK, all right. Player number 71 up to the plate. Wait, wait. You didn't get me a true chance to throw my tiptoeing underhanded boys and lightning moonshine and NASCAR pitch. You want me to take him out of here? I honestly.
00:16:48
Speaker
Yeah, I do, but the sales will rise again!
Accent Class Comedy
00:16:59
Speaker
Hello, class. Welcome to my you guys have all signed up for Accent Intensive. Go ahead, just introduce yourself what accent you want to really work on, because I just have an ear for these things and sure, we're at a community college, but that should not sway your judgment as to the capability of your teacher. So.
00:17:22
Speaker
Yes. My name is Bill Davidson and I've been working on an English accent because I find that people listen more and find me more intelligent when I speak in one. Great. Great. English works. English is a good one.
00:17:36
Speaker
So this is what I've been working on. You know what? It feels more Australian than it does English. And honestly, if I am seen as an Australian, then I won't really feel like I've been looked at as an intellectual in the world.
00:17:54
Speaker
Well, that's definitely one that we can work on. It's pretty easy. It's a lot of fun. And we'll give you a couple words that you can just key into as kind of like a little mental hack for that. And who's next? Hi, I'm Jonathan Bainbridge.
00:18:11
Speaker
Oh, hi there, Mr. Bainbridge. Hi, yes. I wanted to work on my Sylvester Stallone accent. Ah, great. That's pretty simple one, pretty standard. Yeah, I just find that people don't think I'm tough, but I wanted people to kind of be in awe of my masculinity when I walked in the room.
00:18:33
Speaker
Well, that's more of a physical attribute and we've got other classes. So just go to smc.org and you can find up for, you know, more of like a physical strength training class. Cause that's way out of my purview. But what if I don't know how to use a computer?
00:18:51
Speaker
Did you see, didn't you feel how manly I was? Yeah, we can work on it. We can work on that. Yeah, definitely. When I make love, I feel like that's the time that the Sly Stallone accent would really bring it, you know, a vibration of masculinity. I mean, don't you think? Hmm.
00:19:15
Speaker
Well, that question presupposes that you're actually engaged in sexual intercourse, which I find that hard to believe. Yes, that is true. But I feel if I use this very masculine, very South Philly style of accent, don't you think women would come flocking to me like the cicadas of the summer of 2024?
00:19:38
Speaker
Honestly, my best offering to you would just be being attentive, like listening. That's really the key in for that. For women, you mean you have to listen to what they say?
00:19:51
Speaker
All right. And who else we got here? I was wondering if there was a possibility of working on robot accent. Oh, robot accent. See, these are more, you know, the past two have been more of like affectations. We can definitely I suppose my follow up question would be, are we looking for 50s robots? All of the black hole. Are we looking for like cybernetic robots that are half human?
00:20:19
Speaker
I want to connect more with Siri. Well, I may be a Wi-Fi problem, honestly. What's your what's your mobile coverage? Just out of curiosity.
00:20:32
Speaker
It's the one with Ryan Reynolds. I don't know the name. You know what? I have a friend of mine that did a commercial for them way before he bought it. Anyway, and you miss. Go right ahead. Hi, how's it going? I'm actually here to perfect my accent, well, my impression of your voice. I'm just trying to really nail down you.
00:20:57
Speaker
Oh, sorry. Did you hear that? She's she's trying to nail down me and all I had to do was listen to her.
00:21:23
Speaker
I have often times been told that I sound like several different people. I don't know if you guys get people telling you you sound like somebody else, but it used to be people would tell me I sound like booger from
Voice Perception and Imitation
00:21:40
Speaker
It could be from Revenge of the Nerds, but I think that they were actually talking about a character from Family Guy. I'm not entirely sure. But I also get Bob Odenkirk all the time. That's who I get most often is that I sound like Bob Odenkirk.
00:21:58
Speaker
I am not good at discerning, like, voice tones or mimicking. I don't know. I'm not great at controlling my own voice and inflection. I would never hear someone speak and be like, oh, you know who they sound like? Like, that would never occur to me. Have you ever been told that you sound like somebody specific?
00:22:21
Speaker
No, but I was listening to my voice back the other day and I was like, ah, I sound exactly like my dad. And just like, he has like a raspy voice. It's very, sort of like, stuck in the throat and we don't have a lot of strength in her voice. It's all just like, I think that's what I sound like.
00:22:42
Speaker
Just like a dying turkey. I get, I don't think you sound like a dying turkey, Shannon, but I sometimes get Joe Pesci that I sound like Joe Pesci. So, okay, okay, okay. So, and the problem is I probably affected my voice after, all right, all right. Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon 2, I probably sounded like him because I liked the way that sounded. I was like, okay, okay, okay. Leo Getz, Leo Getz.
00:23:09
Speaker
I don't think I sound like anyone, really. I think I sound like a middle-aged child. That's what I think I sound like. A middle-aged child? I believe the proper terminology, Robert, is man-child. Oh, man-child, yeah, that's it. I never really, I don't think the bass dropped or I really never cared to drop.
00:23:26
Speaker
the tone of my voice, so. You grew up in the South, right, Rob? Yeah, I was born in California for like the first 10 years. You were born in California? Yeah. Oh, that's why you didn't have an accident. You don't sound like you're from the South. No, as soon as I got there, they're like, you sound funny. And I'm like, yeah, I do. Can you do a Southern accent since you lived there for so long? Sometimes I'll fall into it when I'm like talking to my cousin's man and I'll tell you what, like,
00:23:50
Speaker
You know, like it just happened like that. Like all of a sudden there's like, you know what? I reckon I'm just playing. I'm about to go down there and like, you know, tear it up. You know what I mean? People say I have a Midwest accent, but I don't obviously I don't hear it. And I feel it's because everybody on TV has a Midwest accent unless they're doing character work. Yeah, just because everyone's moved from the Midwest. Hmm.
00:24:17
Speaker
I think Fargo ruined the Midwest accent for everybody. I miss the Chicago accent. No one in Chicago has that Chicago accent anymore, and it's a shame.
00:24:35
Speaker
Yeah, but I think the Chicago accent is more like the south side of Chicago accent, because I don't really hear anybody that I grew up with on the northwest
Sketch: Chicago Accent Hot Dogs
00:24:45
Speaker
side of Chicago talk like the guys from the sketch from SNL of like, you know, dog bears. Hey, how you doing? Do you need any hot dogs?
00:25:10
Speaker
I'd like to get a hot dog with ketchup, mustard, relish, and onions. And if you got that giardiniera sauce, I'll get some of that on top. Is that all I can do for you today's?
00:25:25
Speaker
Yeah. And if you don't mind, I'd like to have a do you have a happy meal type thing for like like a toy for kids? Well, we don't really have that. This is here at the risk in the street. This is just a street thing. But my my kids toy I have in my pocket. You could take this with you if you want.
00:25:45
Speaker
Oh, that'll do, that'll do. Yeah. I just, uh, my kid's in the car and if I go back there, he's been past for me to go to one, get one of those, you know, corporate, corporate, uh, American restaurants with the small little toys. You know, you don't, you don't sound like you're from around here. Where exactly are you from anyway? Oh, we're on a road trip. We're from, uh, we're from kind of like, uh, Kansas. Would you believe that?
00:26:14
Speaker
Your user's from Kansas. I've never been to Kansas before. I don't mean to be a dick, but you guys is taking a long time, and I'm sitting here with a hot dog. Hey, Tony, what's your turn, huh? The customer's lined up. Hey, customers, you're talking to him like you're going to marry him. You're going to marry this guy. Hey, this guy's from out of town, huh? Why don't you show some respects? I don't care. I got places to be.
00:26:37
Speaker
I got places to be and I want a hot dog with onions, a little crowd, a little mustard. You know, like this guy, I don't care if you get your usual, I'll get you your usual time with this nice gentleman from Kansas. Yeah. Kansas. Yeah. I've been there. Yeah. Clark Kent. Yeah. I get it. You have the excuse.
00:26:53
Speaker
I'm so sorry. No, no, this is what I'm here for. I want to have authentic, honest experiences here in places. You know what? Do you mind if I bring my kid out so that he can meet you too? Cause you guys feel like you're really from here. Where exactly we've been driving all day. Where exactly are we? We're in the suburbs of New York city, you know, not exactly in the town, but we used to live in town. Happy meal.
00:27:18
Speaker
Oh, oh, oh, kiddo, kiddo, here. Oh, is this your younger one here? Oh, my God. Look at her. She's so precious. Oh, wow. You're a beautiful little child. How you doing? Thank you.
00:27:30
Speaker
So where's that toy? We got you, we got you a quote unquote, happy-ish meal. Here you go, here you go kid, it's a Lego. As luck would have it, I also have a little squeezy toy with me right now that you can have for your happy-ish meal. So many toys from strangers, dad. That's a human finger. Yes, yes it is. But she didn't know that until you said it, so. It's my favorite.
00:27:55
Speaker
No, I don't want you to play with it. It's my dad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just thought the kid might need a little, you know, big city education about how the way the real world works. Oh God. It's my sugar. No, I have 11 fingers. See, look, they get it. They're happy. You're happy. Kid. Good. Good. Good. You're embarrassing yourself. You're selling hot dogs on the street. You're giving the kid a finger from a corpse. I'm so sorry, sir. How do you know? How do you know that's a corpse? I'm going to get ticketed, Tony. Okay.
00:28:34
Speaker
I swear I won't tell anybody. I won't tell anybody. That's right. You're not going to tell anybody because you got these cement buckets around your feet.
Mobster Improv Scene
00:28:44
Speaker
Yeah. I'm good to go. Just take these cement things off my feet. No, no, no, no. I put them on your feet because you are good to go if you get my drip.
00:28:55
Speaker
No, you don't understand. I got so much ahead of me. Oh, yeah, you do. You do. Gurgling and bubbling. That's what you got ahead of you. It's going to be it's going to be desperately awful. All right. Well, do you mind if I make a last phone call? No, I do mind. You are not allowed to call the police. You're not allowed to call family and tell them that you love them. They'll get it in their dreams. OK, how about can I write a letter? You cannot write a letter because I'm about to cut off all your fingers.
00:29:24
Speaker
All right, Tony, just coming in with the lunch. What are you doing with the guy who can't sit in here, Tony? I told you not to mess with those outsiders. What are you talking about? I thought we needed to show him what the big city was like. You said he wanted the real- No, Tony, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry about this. This is so embarrassing. Again, Tony, you're embarrassing me in front of the nice gentleman. I'm embarrassing you.
00:29:48
Speaker
You're making us look like we're weak here. That's the problem. They keep saying all these liberal cities around the world to ruin everything. Well, let me tell you, we're not liberal. We're definitely conservative in how we treat our people from outside. Mr. Tony, when do I get to cut off the fingers? Oh, you brought the kid here too. I figured if her dad was going down in cement shoes, she should be able to get a souvenir or two or three.
00:30:13
Speaker
It's my favorite thing ever! Listen, sweetheart, you don't want to work for this guy. Dad, give me your fingers! Wow, this one's a natural. Look at that. Here, here's 10 grand. So how was daddy-daughter day?
00:30:31
Speaker
It was the best. Me and my dad went to some suburbs outside of New York City. And then I got a part-time job and I met the mafia and I learned to put feet in cement. Oh sweetheart, you got such an active imagination. Gosh, where's your father? I need to talk to him. I took the Greyhound here by myself. That's at the bottom of the...
00:31:02
Speaker
Chucky River? What do you mean that your dad's at the... Where's Harold? Where's your father? Well, I have his fingers. You can have that. Oh, my God. The pinky is my favorite. You can have the other ones. You said human finger. Where did you get this?
00:31:34
Speaker
Oh, kids all go through that. Every kid hates their parents for a while. This is just her getting older. She had human fingers with her. Like, how am I supposed to respond to that as a parent? My older brother did the same thing. I think he just started overreacting. Overreacting? Overreacting to human fingers.
00:31:55
Speaker
I don't even know where she got them. That's the thing. And I'm afraid to go with the police because they're going to start asking questions and I'm not going to have any answers. I think you should just look at the silver lining. You're single.
00:32:10
Speaker
I'm saying you've got single life in Kansas to live. I've been up all night pacing and smoking cigarettes. OK, I don't know where my husband is. I don't know where my daughter got these feet. They set her in on a Greyhound bus by herself. I mean, these fingers do look like an adult man's fingers. It could be your husband's fingers. Why would she lie to you? I don't I don't.
00:32:37
Speaker
I don't think she's lying to me. I just, I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened to my husband. I think you gotta stop worrying about what happened and figure out what you're gonna do. Hey Todd, did you hear Mary Lou? It's single now?
00:32:59
Speaker
Yeah, I'm going to make that move. No, no, man. I had my eye on Mary Lou for years, but that young husband was holding her down. Holding her back, holding her back. Here's the thing. We can both make a move. Oh, I don't. I don't. I mean, I mean, what makes you the right man for Mary Lou? I mean, you're sitting here at this bar day in and day out smoking. She needs a man. Well, here's the thing. Here's the thing.
00:33:27
Speaker
She doesn't need to be in a relationship right now. She just got out of one. So why would we push that upon her? We should just let her discover what a middle-aged single woman should discover.
Sylvester Stallone Accent Appreciation
00:33:42
Speaker
Hey guys, how's it going? Uh, I'm just going to have my usual Daryl. Oh, Hey, Hey, uh, how are you guys doing? Uh, are you still working on that? Uh, Sylvester Stallone accent? Yeah. Yeah. I just, uh, I was, I was, I was just, you know, trying out some other things.
00:34:02
Speaker
I don't, I don't know if we're really working on the accents anymore. Maybe we were just sort of looking out for the betterment. What happened was, what happened was I, I was making love to a woman and I started doing. Here's your Apple teeny. Sorry. Sorry for interrupting. You put that on my tab, put that on my tab.
00:34:22
Speaker
Okay. And I started doing... Calm down, calm down. You're gonna make her go crazy. Calm down. That's so good. I can't stand it. And you, how are things at home?
00:34:38
Speaker
I said, things are great at home, Mary Lou. I finally built my patio up. So if you want to come over for an Appletini sometime, we could sit under the willow tree. Yeah, I just need a drink so bad. Excuse me, excuse me. I think we turned her off. I was getting real mixed signals from her. At first I thought she was DTF.
00:35:07
Speaker
I know you pulled out this Sylvester Stallone and I thought she was slipping on a water slide talking to you with that one, man. Yeah, but all of a sudden everything just went sideways. Oh, okay. Hard wonder. You know what? Let's just let her soar. Mary Lou, I don't need that drama in my life. You don't need that drama. Yeah, yeah. This is why I got you, right? We get each other.
00:35:33
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to get his next beer? Of course. Yeah. Great. Next round's on me. Okay. That's nice. That's nice of you. Hey, do you want to come over for an apple teeny sometime?
00:35:50
Speaker
yeah yeah hey guys guys guys you can't start making plans outside of the bar here what oh okay yeah that's like let's take it in from the pocketbook here if you want to make plans with each other you got to make plans somewhere else this is your drinking place
Comedy Theater Anecdotes
00:36:17
Speaker
Years and years ago, before the Westside Comedy Theater had a bar, but when it was Westside eclectic, it was all BYOB. People could bring their own beer in. There was shows, one was called The Punk House, and they would literally have a big PBR box on stage and people would just get free beers for buying a ticket to the show. Then there came a point in time where they were trying to get their beer and wine license.
00:36:44
Speaker
So at that point in time, there was no alcohol at the theater allowed at all because they were in the process of whatever approval thing that is. And that was a long time ago before, I think before I really knew all of the owners of the West side that well in general. And for the record, it seems like there's two people frozen right now. There must be some internet problems. I'm alive. I'm alive.
00:37:13
Speaker
But Shannon and Rob look frozen to you, right? They look super frozen. And I also think that these should be their eulogy photos because they are perfect in every which way. Well, I'll just tell you the story, Jack. Maybe you've heard this before, but when there was no alcohol there for the period of time, we would go and do Team X shows. Afterwards, we'd go to fourth and Jane and get beers upstairs, where there was an area.
00:37:41
Speaker
And I was with Aaron and Aaron and me and Chris Corbo upstairs and we were all having fun. And Aaron then opens up her jacket and shows that she has a flash. Cause she's like, yeah, you want some of the, he's like, we've been drinking at the show since then. She did not realize Chris was an owner or if she did realize that she didn't realize that he would care. He's like, you can't do that.
00:38:05
Speaker
We're like trying to get a beer and wine license, which was really funny. But then the worst part wasn't even what Aaron did. I guess it was, I think it was Ed Galvez at the time, but he didn't really realize the repercussions of how much trouble you get into. So when he did his show, he still had the free beer on stage and they were giving it out. And that was the day the Santa Monica City people came. And it was a pretty big deal, but it ended up being fine.
00:38:35
Speaker
Nobody ended up getting in trouble. And as history shows, they got their beer and wine license. Technically speaking, if you were giving away alcohol, there is no problem. Even if you were technically accepting donations, you're not allowed to sell alcohol unless you have a liquor license. That's how it works in New York at least. And that's how it works. I would imagine in California,
00:38:58
Speaker
If you give away alcohol, you are not necessarily breaking any rules. However, if you are giving away alcohol to people that are strangers who are underage, I think that is an area where it's very much frowned upon and then you're giving alcohol to underage people that you aren't like relations with. So I think that's where the line is drawn.
00:39:23
Speaker
And in Chicago, maybe you're familiar with this show, James. Well, there's a place called the Corn Observatory.
Chicago Drinking Game Sketch
00:39:31
Speaker
And they did a show there at midnight called Drink, the sketch comedy drinking show. And each sketch had a different drinking game.
00:39:41
Speaker
So it was like, seeing about basketball, like every time someone bounces basketball, take a drink. And so the audience would get super drunk and then it was also BYOB at the theater. And we would drink on stage too, because it was like, just like the most fun party show ever. And then it turned into a situation of like,
00:40:02
Speaker
we couldn't drink on stage because of liability of the theater like they didn't have a legal license like we could could drink just not on the stage so maybe like with the theater stuff like it's like a liability i don't know i don't know but man that show ripped
00:40:26
Speaker
All right.
Restaurant Health Inspection Improv
00:40:27
Speaker
It's a health inspection and we're going to be checking all of the foods back here. Which one of you is the shift manager? Oh, that would be me. Okay. So I
00:40:42
Speaker
I'm the assistant. It's actually, to be fair, Roger and it's him. When I'm not around, Roger helps. I'm technically, I'm the assistant. So as you know, I'm going to need to have full access to the entire back room. Oh, I like where this is going.
00:41:00
Speaker
Roger, you have to you have to turn it down a little bit. OK, you can't do this in front of the health inspector. Sorry, I don't mind. Nobody ever treats me like that. Everybody's always so I don't know. Precautious. I like when they see you.
00:41:17
Speaker
Oh, you're poking me in the belly. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. No, no. Don't be sorry. This is going to get us a violation. This is going to get us a violation. What are you doing? I'm not getting us a violation. I'm getting us laid. I don't mean to be presumptuous.
00:41:36
Speaker
Well, I don't know about us unless you're talking about the royal you, as in we. Oh, I don't know this guy. This guy, I'm not sure I'm into. He's a little uptight. But I'm just trying to pass the health inspection. That's it. That's it. That's all. That's all I've tried. I just don't want to ruin that. That's why you're the assistant manager. You don't think big. You don't think on a larger scope. You don't think outside the box.
00:42:03
Speaker
Okay, I'm gonna have to look into the fridges and check the temperature really quick. So do you want me to come inside and do that with you? Is there something inside the fridge? No, there's nothing inside. One of the employees is just playing around. Rebecca, will you come out of there, please?
00:42:24
Speaker
I am so sorry. There's somebody in this fridge. What are you doing in there? I'm cryofrozen. Oh, she's just being dramatic. These actors that work here in this restaurant, they always have to get attention. That's pretty good. I've never seen anybody step out of a fridge before. You believed it, right? She's a great actress. Yeah. Her lips are blue. I actually did stay in there for eight hours. Can I talk to you for a second, please? Can I talk to both of you for a second, please? Just sidebar, excuse us. I'm so sorry.
00:42:54
Speaker
Sorry, sorry. Feel free to help yourself. Stick your hands in any of the food back here. And yeah, what's up? Look, okay. I need you to quit flirting with the health inspector. Okay. I just, I need you to stop. Okay. I need you to get back on the floor. Okay. You have several tables. It's busy. Pick something up clean. I don't care. Like we need to pass this health inspection. Okay. I think I'm a big help here.
00:43:17
Speaker
You are a big habit. Roger, could you just step over here for a second? Could you and I speak here quickly? This is what I'm talking about. What are you talking about? Exactly. I'm trying to be professional here. Okay. You're flirting. You're allowing staff to do whatever they want. It's like a zoom here. It is. Yeah. Why you don't like the way this restaurant runs. You seem to enjoy your paycheck. I'm sorry. Can I just jump in real quick? Can I actually speak to you over here for a minute? One second. I'm really into this health inspector. Do you think we should both go for her?
00:43:45
Speaker
I think we should, I think we should. Okay, I think that could work. You two are not to harass the health inspector. Okay, I can hear you, okay? You're six inches away from me. Could you go out on the floor and make sure everything's fine out there? Unbelievable.
00:44:00
Speaker
Hi, so sorry. How are you doing? It's all right. I was doing a little bit of inspecting while you were going. I'm doing inspecting right now. Okay. Well, it looks like there's some open rat traps underneath the oven. That's a nickname for my pussy. Yes, it is a rat trap. That's for sure. Yeah. I know. I see what you're talking about. Open and some actually some deceased rats. Yes. Yes. You're correct.
00:44:25
Speaker
It's kind of endearing, right? Yeah, look how cute they are. It's like the rats of nymph. I don't know. I feel conflicted. Listen, just go with your heart, you know? How does it feel in your loins? In your loins, yeah, which is connected to your heart. Yeah.
00:44:44
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. How does that make you feel as I totally caress you? Oh, that feels nice. Hey, Rebecca, can you go back? What do you, did you, did you, Rebecca, did you not clean up the rats? I told you to clean the rats before the health inspector showed up. They were a part of my assortment piece. Oh, excuse me. Hold on. Did you say you knew about these rats before the health inspector? We were going to clean them up. We're trying to clean them up before we're trying to clean everything up.
00:45:09
Speaker
Roger, it sounds like you were trying to cheat. I just want to have an authentic experience that would never cheat. I would never cheat. No. In fact, now that I know that he was trying to get rid of it before I came, I appreciate that you left it here. To be honest.
00:45:25
Speaker
Thank you. And you, sir, you should be ashamed of yourself trying to cheat a health inspection. Did you realize that people eat here in the grade that hangs on the front they expect to be an indication of the inside quality? Did you even realize that, Roger? Oh my God, I must be trained. For the record, Roger's been divorced three times, so we all know where his personal life is leading. So I think his professional life might be following suit.
00:45:49
Speaker
Could you not bring in my personal life to this, okay? Can you just- I mean, it's written all over your face, Roger. I need everyone just to be a professional.
00:46:04
Speaker
So we got two outs in the bottom of the seventh.
Softball Game Commentary
00:46:07
Speaker
We got Mary Beth Johnson coming up to plate. There, the tying run is on third base. And I think that we're in for an epic Olympic softball game. What do you think? I gotta tell you, Steve, she recently had a bout of diarrhea.
00:46:29
Speaker
And that's why we go to you for the color commentary and the windup. Here's the pitch and it is strike one. Oh, talk about diarrhea as a concept of softball. Oh, absolutely. You know, they you throw some sliders and then the diarrhea slides right out of your bong hole. That's very good. She winds up again. There's a foul ball off to the right side. There's a happy fan.
00:46:50
Speaker
Foul, kind of like diarrhea. Smells bad. Diarrhea is always a foul, especially at a family party or maybe a holiday. And the winds up again, that's going to be a ball up high. That's probably a waste pitch. Deep ears, saggy balls out of the toilet water when you got diarrhea. You definitely have a lot of stories about saggy balls, having done the Midwest circuit.
00:47:10
Speaker
Oh, sure has, sure has. I mean, but balls in the Midwest are just made saggier. Well, we're getting a meeting to the mound from the pitching coach. Balls are saggy, huh? Yeah, I've heard about your days in the playing field. The saggier, the better. That's what I say, Steve. Hey, look at that. Look at that. Old assistant coach walking to the mound up there. He walks like a turtle, huh? He does walk like a turtle. It's almost like when you're trying to keep a diarrhea in, don't you think? Turley. Yes.
00:47:34
Speaker
Pardon me, I stubbed my toe. Cut to commercial, cut to commercial. Jesus Christ, you two, you've been talking about shit this whole baseball game. Nick, I gotta tell you, the best producer I've ever had. Just reporting on authentic reality of these players.
00:47:50
Speaker
It's authentic. That's what the kids want today. In two-minute clips, that's for sure. Everyone's got IBS nowadays. Everyone does have IBS. That's why there's medication for it. That's why I see commercials for it all the time. That's the commercial we just got to. Are you trying to shame us into our... To feel shame for our body? Our natural bodies?
00:48:06
Speaker
It just reminds me incredibly similar to the old, I think it's a wives tale, going into first feel a little burst diarrhea. Where's this coming from, Dave? Where's this coming from? It's not a wives tale, it's a song. It's a song that kids used to sing about baseball. So you're down with the diarrhea talk then, Dave?
00:48:28
Speaker
No, you don't understand what I'm saying. Listen, we have to cover diarrhea. I can switch it up. Give me a chance. We don't have to talk about diarrhea. I can switch it up. All right. We're coming back on air. Coming back on air. Three, two. And we're back here. The pitching coach has gone back to the dugout. We have a count of one and two. And the game is on the line here in the gold medal game of the 2024 Paris Olympics. It's very exciting. The coach of the season is walking off the mound right there. And a report says he suffers from erectile dysfunction.
00:48:58
Speaker
He does suffer from erectile dysfunction. That's why we have the Pfizer advertisements up all over the TV. If it's limp, take a stick. If it's limp, take a stick. That's what they always say now in the new broadcast. And the wind up and the pitch comes in, and that's going to be a ball outside. We've got a count of two and two. Keep those balls tight and clean. Yep, those balls must be tight and clean. You have three gold medals, one silver medal. You are the longest 10-year Olympic gold medalist and Olympic softball player. Tell us a little bit about that while we've got a break in the action.
00:49:27
Speaker
Well, the Olympics were great, and I gotta tell you, there's a shocking amount of Olympians who I had sex with who also suffered from erectile dysfunction. That sounds like a lot of fun. You gotta use your mouth for something. And we have a bitch come in. That's gonna be... Cut to commercial. Cut to commercial. The bitch come in. And Jesus Christ, you two are capable. Leave what I'm listening to. I'm sorry, Dave. We cut to commercial during the Olympics while the game was going on. That does not seem like... Yeah, I had to. Seems unprofessional.
00:49:52
Speaker
You guys are doing banger talk over there. Runner talk? Poopy talk? That's pretty much what all the kids want to talk about these days. They can find jokes. That's all they talk about. How do you expect to keep their attention span?
00:50:15
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies.
Closing & Humor Pitch
00:50:20
Speaker
This episode wouldn't be possible without our post audio engineer and sound designer, Toy Vocalio, and our incredible Patreon members who helped me afford this creative journey. If you'd like an alternative way to show support for the show, well I've got some good news for you. We've launched a new 24 hours a day, 7 days a week Twitch channel.
00:50:43
Speaker
go to www.twitch.tv slash originalunderstudies.tv and you'll see all sorts of awesome content weird sketches from over the years live shows that we've recorded you will find a super awesome surprise I'm sure of it and on top of that you watching it will give me ad dollars I don't put ads on the podcast
00:51:06
Speaker
Unless, and here's the real gem of it all, if you're an Amazon Prime member already, you get one free Twitch subscription. And if you're not already subscribed to some Twitch channels, and unless you're watching some gamers play stuff, you probably have an extra Twitch subscription. Well, pop your subscription on us, it'll net me monthly money, and you won't have to see any commercials when 24 hours a day you've got yourself glued to our Twitch channel.
00:51:34
Speaker
So please, go to twitch.tv slash original understudies.tv and just click subscribe. If you're logged into your amazon.com account, you will automatically be sending me money. Oh my god, that's gonna be, I'm gonna be so fucking rich. It's all about money.