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Swimfan
89 Plays10 months ago
In honor of the Olympics it only felt right to talk about a sports themed erotic thriller! Is Swimfan another Fatal Attraction ripoff? Sure, but it has something Fatal Attraction doesn't, a sick Motorola pager and lots of plot holes!
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Transcript
Introduction and YouTube Growth
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, please silence your sick blue Motorola Bagers and gather around your radio. It's time for this week's meeting of The Erotic Thriller Club.
Plot Summary of 'Swimfan'
00:00:25
Speaker
Metathesis, mysterious and dangerous. Oh yes, look at all the sexiest movies out of VHS. So if you're fatally attracted to the race, do your stuff. Erotic Velcro, basically instinctively grateful, salacious. Erotic Velcro, if you want to race a movie at your two classes, we're smart.
00:01:08
Speaker
It's 2002. You're a star swimmer with a beautiful girlfriend, a great life, and a bit of a troubled past. A cute new cello player moves to town and really, really wants to have sex with you.
Introducing Hosts and Questions on Erotic Thrillers
00:01:21
Speaker
You reluctantly oblige and she ruins your life. So sit back and join us in a world where plot holes reign supreme. This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, swim fan. Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, you're here with Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan. And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would I ruin my life for this person? Before we get started today, a couple things I want to bring up. One,
00:01:59
Speaker
YouTube's been super kind to this show and been really hitting the numbers, just throwing it in the algorithm somewhere. So welcome all new members of the Erotic Thriller Club. we We're happy to have you. Welcome to the club. We love it. We love to have you. We want to shake you naked and eat you alive. Feel free to leave comments, questions, concerns Erotic Thriller Club at gmail dot.com. Hit us up at Erotic Thriller Club but on Instagram. One other thing.
00:02:30
Speaker
My dear co-host, Kit Ryan, has gotten engaged. Congratulations. Congratulations, sweet Kit. Aw, shucks. Thank
Personal News and Wedding Humor
00:02:40
Speaker
you. It was very sweet. I mean, ah we've been together for so long now at this point. I think people are surprised we're getting married at all. So it's been ah it's been a lot of fun. And Garrett, would you like to tell them the other ah special piece of news? I just got asked. to be the maid of honor. It's my boy, he's gonna be my The bachelorette party and the wedding speech will both be erotic and thrilling. Oh God, I hope so.
00:03:16
Speaker
I've never met John's parents, but they're gonna be surprised when they hear some of this stuff.
Debate on Most Erotic Olympic Sports
00:03:23
Speaker
I'm looking forward to our ah dress shopping montage. You know, that's always fun in the movies. We have a dress shopping montage. Are you ready to sit back and be like, no, and make really exaggerated facial expressions until I find the perfect one? We might actually have to film that for the Instagram. Do it. I'll show a little side boob and a little undercarriage. There you go. Keep the people wanting more. Yeah, absolutely. ah Let's talk about swim fan. In honor of the Olympics, we went with a swimming themed ah episode here. But before we hop in to the movie itself, I had a couple questions for you. Because as you said, we chose a movie with an Olympic sport. Yes. One, what is the most erotic Olympic sport?
Speculation on Olympians as Fatal Attractions
00:04:18
Speaker
Oh, that's a really good one. I mean, swimming definitely ranks up there because they're mostly naked um and, you know, it's a very graceful sort of event sometimes. But at the same time, like the facial expressions they make isn't necessarily the sexiest. It's definitely not going to be weightlifting or or anything where there's a lot of grunting. That's not going to work. ah Weightlifting often sounds like sex. I believe that was in an Adam Sandler comedy album. I don't think it sounds like good sex, though. Depends on your thing.
Horse Girls and Olympic Logistics
00:04:57
Speaker
ah Gymnastics is definitely a fun one. It shows that they're flexible. That puts you too much into the crush or poison ivy. Them kids is young. Oh, i yeah, I suppose I hadn't thought about that. ah you've got a What is the oldest sport?
00:05:15
Speaker
I'll, I rasling mean, beach volleyball, like obviously there's scantily clad. ah I would say now that rock climbing is been added to ah the Olympics that lets the door be open for any killing me softly style ah sexy climbers that might want to be in here. ah So that's a good one. Yeah. Okay. Well, second question.
00:05:45
Speaker
What type of Olympian is most likely to fatal attraction you? Ooh, good question. Most likely to fatal attraction me. I wanna say shot foot. I have no reasoning behind that. That's just like the the answer my heart came up with. Why? du What is yours? Who do you think is gonna fatal attraction you? Dressage, horse girls. got priage counted Yeah, no, horse girls all the way. they're They're fucking psychopathic. We know this already. Yeah, I forgot that was an option. More psychotic than just the horse girl in general. But like this year, the American horse girls are taking their horsey to France. I'll tell you this right fucking now.
Critique of 'Swimfan' and Plot Holes
00:06:36
Speaker
No horsey wants to take that boat ride or plane ride or however the fuck you Operation Dumbo drop that horse over into France.
00:06:45
Speaker
and Horsey doesn't get a medal. No. Horsey has to dance in France, which it's jet lagged, it's confused. yeah that How long is that fucking, is it a boat or a plane? How does Horsey get there? I assume it has to go on a boat, but then that means Horsey seasick. Horsey spent a long time getting there. um Horsey doesn't get to enjoy all of the Olympic sex that all the athletes get to do, because they were kept in separate stalls. Yeah. Yeah, but they don't have to wear condoms.
00:07:20
Speaker
Well, I mean, they do breed them specifically to make even more good horses. So I guess they got that going for them. But if they're not getting to spend their time eating croissants and looking out over the sand, it's a but it's a tough life being a horse, I admit. Well, at least it's not like Oregon Trail style and they like cock the wagon to get them over there. Oh yeah, yeah, that's fair. I don't think you can do that for the Atlantic Ocean, but I'm not like an expert on cocking wagons. My ah settlers always drowned, so. Speaking of drowned, welcome to swim fans. Speaking of drowning, wow, great transition. Yeah.
00:08:05
Speaker
This movie, we got to start vetting these fucking things, Kit, because I'm tired of watching stupid fatal attraction. Yeah. This one also took a number of clues from ah the Molly Ringwald one, Malicious. was It has a lot of shared DNA. It shared so many nearly identical scenes. Man, bitches love to ruin your day when the scouts are going to show up, huh? They love it. The baseball bat came into play like there was a present, but this is okay. So we've had fatal attraction with the adults. Then we bumped down to, you know, fear, which is still teenage fatal attraction, but our rating. Then in the 2000s, we get swim fan with the PG 13 rating. and
00:08:53
Speaker
What is the youngest possible age we can show someone getting fatal attraction? Like, will there be a junior high fatal attraction? I was gonna say, I think the absolute lowest you can go is tween, like 12. Any lower than that, and you're getting into, that's just evil kid, like from, uh, what is it, the omen, like, or whatever, like possessed child. That's a whole different genre. tween and up, you can have it be a romance-based thriller because obviously it's not gonna be erotic at that point, but like a love slash thriller story. They easily
Scene Breakdown and Teenage Life in 'Swimfan'
00:09:35
Speaker
could have done an episode of Hey Arnold. Oh, for sure. With like Helga's like an origin story of Glenn Close. Absolutely. Helga's already ready to boil a bunny. You know she is.
00:09:49
Speaker
abs Oh, absolutely. And- She has a shrine just like Marky Marks.
00:09:56
Speaker
Guys, this movie, I'm gonna go ahead and just tell you upfront, before credits, 81 minutes. The second they hit 81, that shit goes to credits. And I'm pretty sure it's because they decided in their mind that was the minimum amount of time they could have and people still consider it to be a feature length film. That is absolutely the case. And if they're not going to fill it with sex scenes, which they did not, ah they had to fill that time somehow. And it gets a little desperate in places for them to fill the time and make that page count. This movie hustled in ways that. OK, so of any of the movies that I've watched, I've watched, you know, I watch every one of them twice. Everybody knows that.
00:10:43
Speaker
This movie, i I'm not joking, the plot holes are just a piece of Swiss cheese. There's so many. But on your first viewing of this film, you get caught up so much mentally in certain plot holes that you totally miss other things that you just let slide. Oh, I'm so excited to see what you picked up on that I missed by being obsessed with the plot holes that I was noticing. There are so many fucking things in this that are hilarious that could have been solved in other ways. Oh, for sure. And I try to, I can mentally chalk it up to he's a stupid teenager. He's obviously not got the grades to get into a good school on his own.
00:11:26
Speaker
right He's not going to get a scholarship or or anything other than swimming. And also he had
Character Analysis of Madison and Her Obsession
00:11:32
Speaker
a past with drugs and theft and like maybe there's a little brain damage that he did when he was on the drugs and now he's real dumb. And that's why he doesn't see that there are lots and lots of other ways out of his situation.
00:11:49
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we'll get into this fucking thing. This movie stars Jesse Bradford and Erica Christiansen, which honestly kind of had similar careers up to this point. They kind of had three big movies that had he already done bring bring it on? Had he done that? Was that before this? Because he was really good and bring it on. But in this he very much is ah he's coming off as discount Freddie Prinze Jr. the whole time. ah just is's not He's not bringing a lot to the so the role other than than that.
00:12:23
Speaker
I don't blame any of the actors for this and not even necessarily the writer. I feel like there's a lot going on with, I tried to find any evidence of this, but this movie reeks of the studio said, this movie's for 13 year who gives a shit? Don't worry about it. I feel like there are 20 to 30 minutes hiding somewhere of this movie. Because there's so many little things that get left out that would have made other things make more sense that they're just like, who gives a shit? Just just keep cutting. Just keep cutting. Eighty one minutes. That's enough. That's enough. Get it into the theater. I like Jesse Bradford. He was in this. He was in or he was in a yeah like you said, bring it on and clock stoppers. I never saw that one.
00:13:08
Speaker
I don't know, I think he's handsome and likable. But in this, he's like a full on Bella Swan. Like where he doesn't have enough personality that he kind of could be anyone. and Like me as a 13 year old or however old I was when this was in theaters, maybe like 15 or something. I don't know, man. this I don't know. I was kind of delighted when they ah showed that her ah screen name online was swim fan eighty five. And I was like, oh, she's the same age as my brother.
00:13:47
Speaker
I know exactly where I am and when I am now. There are moments in this, like I believed them as high school kids, but there are moments in this movie where Jesse Bradford is fighting a mustache so hard to not be on his face that he could have also been 30 years old. I don't know. what Let's
Ben and Madison's Relationship Dynamics
00:14:07
Speaker
hop into this story though. we kind of You kind of broke it down there where he's a swimmer, troubled past.
00:14:15
Speaker
it's let's get Let's take him to high school. What are we doing? Well, first we have our opening, which shows ah her playing cello, him swimming. No, him having the car make out. Yeah, he's making out in a car. She's playing cello. And then you see a bunch of trophies and their baseball trophies. And you're like, wait a minute. I thought this movie was called Swim Fan. Well, don't worry. It'll all be made clear at about the 68 minute mark.
00:14:49
Speaker
a Kit I I know you know this about me. You might have forgotten at some point. I was a swimmer I was in swim team for 14 years. Holy shit, I didn't realize it was for 14 years. He and I had very different starts to swimming. You find out at some point in this movie, his swimming origin story, which is he was a drug kid. He got sent to juvie. In his description, it made it sound like he was just poking around in a closet and found it. He found he found an old lap pool in the basement of juvie.
00:15:26
Speaker
And then they were like, you gotta clean it. And he was like, what? And then in between cleaning it, I guess he started using it. and It was a good way. Yeah. And I guess no one else was used, which is pool that he just discovered cleaned and is now as a private pool in, in child jail. Yeah, I mean, he clearly goes to a nice she goes to one of those ah schools that only exist in California, one of those high schools that looks like it's a ah college campus, and it's like half of its outdoors. And it looks very, ah you know, sort of stately and academic and has a pool. Oh, fancy boy. Their pool. Holy shit. It is an Olympic pool.
00:16:12
Speaker
The only room we've seen nicer in any movie we've watched than the room this pool is in is anything that Donald Sutherland was in, like the churches in Don't Look. oh yeah like This looks like he could have actually had to fix the mosaic tiles issue in that. Yeah, it's a very nice pool. And so you see him talking to his coach, the dad from Clueless, And coach, yeah coach dad from clueless is really intense talking to him about how like you guys stay focused. If you want to get you know, world record times and and get a scholarship to Stanford and ah you know, no, no stress, but it's like the most important thing in your entire life.
00:17:02
Speaker
We set that up early that there's going to be, ah yeah, yeah there's gonna he's a great swimmer. There's gonna be some guys to come look at him at some point. We've set this up. He goes outside to talk to his friends who have a real like cast to scream vibe. but Oh, for sure. You definitely were like, um which of these teenagers are going to die? Not as many as you'd hope. Very, very few very few. For a PG-13 movie, I don't, I want to say like, we are going to bust this movie's balls. I had a great goddamn time both times watching this movie. This is like, this was very fun. And looking it up, this is a beloved movie of people our age, but I don't think they've seen it since they were 13.
00:17:46
Speaker
That's probably true. There's a moment where like ah his buddy, I think it's Josh gets ah like ah knocked into by the weird kid in school. And then when he he's like, hey, come back here. And then when he sees who it is, and then it's this weird kid, he's like, nevermind, which I've never seen in a movie before. And I
Madison's Manipulation and Impact on Ben
00:18:07
Speaker
realized, oh, This movie is post Columbine. Everyone's. Everyone's being nice to the weird kid because they're afraid he's going to kill them all. We're post Columbine in a year removed from 9-11. Yeah. So like they're not going to be mean to that kid. They're on edge. And you know what? You were wrong. It wasn't that kid that's going to kill you. It's the cute cello girl.
00:18:34
Speaker
Yeah, the the weird kid too, he was played by James de Bello, who I know, I'm a huge fan of the movie Detroit Rock City. And in that movie, he's very much like the stoner character. In Cabin Fever, he was very much like a bro type character. So I had never seen him as like a dork that's getting picked on because this dude's huge. He is big, and he looks like he's in good shape. He's looks like he's they're covering up the fact that he's handsome with a big pair of outdated glasses. And he has more glasses. yeah Yeah, he has Dom or glasses. And he's got a hearing aid, which only became clear later in the movie. And I was like, Wait, were they just picking on the deaf
School Dynamics and Ben's Unraveling
00:19:15
Speaker
kid? And then he realized, Oh, shit, I shouldn't pick on the deaf kid. Because that would happen.
00:19:21
Speaker
But he's not actually deaf. He has conversations with everybody. I mean, he's probably hearing impaired is the proper term for it. Do you think though that it's, oh, we can't, like he was ready to pick on him, saw who it was, because throughout this movie is we gradually see snippets of this kid's life. He lives in a mansion. His family, I know you joked before we recorded that Garrett's gonna say somebody was a ghoul again. If anybody was a ghoul, that kid's mom. She was like some Bela Lugosi ass like character. Was she haunted? Like did she possess swim fan to make her do this shit? I don't understand their life and we don't find out.
00:20:08
Speaker
I mean, that's a whole intriguing subplot. Like the see the story from from Madison, the femme fatales perspective. And she's actually just a very nice girl who plays the cello who's being possessed by her demonic aunt that she's temporarily living with and being puppeted into committing crimes. I love that idea. I'd watch that. Unfortunately, that's not the movie we saw. So Let's see where Okay, so the girlfriend said he's going away to college is the next piece of news is he's got a cute brunette girlfriend, who is sad he's going away to college gives her a necklace. But he also meets the new girl Madison, aka Erica Christiansen.
00:20:54
Speaker
When he gave her the gift, like if they were talking about her going away, it's like, I've got something for you. I immediately went back to malicious, but I was like, what can he give her? He doesn't have a baseball bat. He's not a baseball player. Is he gonna give her his game winning speedo? I thought it was gonna be a promise ring ah type deal. Did it with some turquoise jewelry that he probably got with his mom while they were on vacation out in Arizona. That seems about right. Although they don't look like they can afford a vacation out in Arizona. He and his girlfriend both clearly live on the wrong side of the tracks. They both have to work full time, like full jobs outside of school, including her working until like one in the morning at a restaurant. So like,
00:21:40
Speaker
Clearly, they are not the rich kids in this very rich kid's school, which you'd think would be an interesting dynamic that they would play with that like this rich girl who's living in the mansion is the one who's seducing him. But it doesn't come up at all. His mom's a doctor, though. Yeah, but they also live in a
Film's Ambiguous Timeline and Clichés
00:22:00
Speaker
neighborhood where they have to put the fucking thing on your car or the club on your car so it doesn't get fucking stolen. The club was one of the first, there were two things that I'm like, oh man, these are gonna come back. hu One, he's in the kitchen with his mom at one point and a dog comes in. I'm like, that dog is getting malicious. I hope the puppet's just as good as the cat. The second, yeah the second is when we see the club, I'm like, oh, somebody's gonna get killed with that club. But it was just kind of product placement. Yeah, well, along with all the Nokia,
00:22:35
Speaker
Was it Nokia, Motorola? Oh, it was a, what did I say in the intro? It was a Motorola pager, which made me realize I don't, cause I didn't have a cell phone until probably 2004, 2005. Yeah. Definitely never had a pager. I don't know how you text on. them Well, he was a former drug addict. And as far as I'm aware, the only people who needed pagers back then were drug dealers and doctors. So, you know,
00:23:07
Speaker
That's fair. But ah yes, ah there's the meet cute with Ben and the new girl, Madison, when she needs help picking a lock to get into her locker. So instead of Chekhov's club, it was Chekhov's hairpin that later comes into play. Sorry, not as exciting. She's like, here, keep this. He's like, yeah all right. Got it. We'll do. And I don't know, she's a cello, she's a cello kid. I've, cello kids and horse girls are kind of adjacent. You know, I think it's because of the dedication, right? People that put like a, and that's the thing with what you were saying about Olympic athletes, like which one is gonna ah fatal attraction you, right? Is anybody who's got like that kind of obsessive devotion to the perfecting
00:23:59
Speaker
of a hobby, a sport, or whatever, like it's easy to see how that obsession can translate into ah you know putting being that putting that on a person. So like her being an obsessive cello person, it can work. I'm going to relentlessly try to fuck that boy.
Unrealistic Behavior and Extreme Actions
00:24:18
Speaker
Yes. He will not say no to me. What was your initial impression of Madison? She didn't seem weird, she didn't seem... I don't know, she just seemed normal, kind of boring, like a little flirty, but like, his girlfriend seemed really great.
00:24:41
Speaker
His girlfriend is a perfect girlfriend. She is marriage material. Her name is Amy, which I'm getting the feeling that a lot of perfect girlfriends who are going to get cheated on are named Amy. That just seems like a girl who's going to get cheated on kind of name. And I'm sorry to all the Amys. Sorry. I'm so sorry. It's not your fault. ah But apparently men cheat on Amys with bitches named Madison.
00:25:08
Speaker
So maybe she gave a very like, she's got sweet kind of baby face. i She didn't give a lot of femme fatale energy to me. No, not really. And I think before that, like really the big role she was known for was playing Michael Douglas' daughter in traffic. Oh, really? which also, I don't know if you know, this movie was put out by Michael Douglas' production company. So, he is thanked in the end credits. I noticed that at the very end. It says, special thanks to Michael Douglas. So, I don't know, fatal attraction was absolutely in mind when they were making this movie. Like it wasn't like, for sure they didn't know what they were doing here. Absolutely. Okay. I agree with you.
00:25:55
Speaker
I have an important question for you. Yeah. In your read of the film, and since you watched it more times than me, maybe maybe you actually know the answer to this. Is a is our main guy been actually sexually active with Amy, his girlfriend, or are they waiting? I do think they're sexually active for a couple reasons. One, it did look like they were having sex in the opening scene. Like they were making out furiously, but her brawl was kind of out. Yeah, that's okay. That's second base. That's not a home run,
Climactic Confrontation and Film's Execution
00:26:31
Speaker
baby. But later in the movie, when he's stressed out because a cello player is ruining his life, his girlfriend basically says like, let's go fuck later. That'll help you release.
00:26:47
Speaker
Yeah, I just didn't know if she was offering like, hey, we could do it, you know, finally for the first time. But you're right. It probably would have been phrased a little differently because I was trying to think about like if she if if he is in a long term relationship, he went from being in juvie and presumably not having sex. And then he's been with this girl for like two years and they're still not having sex, but they are making out enough in the car that he's like grabbing titty. and me coming in his pants yes it makes a little more sense why he would be attracted to the first girl who's like yeah you could put your dick in me yeah like he really didn't immediately agree to it but he did put himself in a bad situation yeah with her where
00:27:38
Speaker
I mean, to set it up, after the meet cute, he almost hits her with his car. He takes her home, she leaves a notebook in his car, he calls her, and then they end up going out for burgers, and then she's like, I still wanna hang out, so they went to the pool. And that gets us- He's she's like, I don't know how to swim, and he's like, I'll teach you, Garrett. That's- A terrible coach. Yeah, he's very thank god he was a terrible coach. Garrett, if he taught her how to swim, the ending of the movie would have been very different. Though he may have been a terrible coach, but he did float her to the deep end of that pool and fucked her in the deep end kit. It's pretty rad. Did he tread water while fucking in a pool?
00:28:27
Speaker
And yes, that's what you can do when you're an Olympic-level athlete, Garrett. The fact that you can't do that shows that you were never good enough to make it in the Biggs. The thing is, that isn't necessarily even, I think, something that somebody who's swimming laps could do. That's water polo shit. hold that
00:28:49
Speaker
You know what? I hadn't thought of that. that but You're right. If you want to fuck in the pool, don't ah hook up with a swim team, guys. a Hook up with a water polo guy. Also, it's things like swim fan and scenes like this that give us at a young age the notion that fucking in a pool is great. I mean, it looks really cool. It looks really sexy. They're all wet and it's like... It seems like it would be good. it does it does They do a good job of lying to you. Any of my sexual experiences that I've had in water, where it be a bathtub, a hot tub, or a pool, have all ended with at some point, I think me saying ouchie.
00:29:36
Speaker
yeah Yeah, it ends in an ouchie or a, uh, this just isn't, uh, it's not, it's not working. Um, well, that's not. It really sucks that things like this and like showgirls and you know, it just, it really makes you think that this is going to be cool. it's Everybody's wet. Everybody's glistening. Everybody looks so good. It's more fun to watch than it is to do in practice. Like so many things in this life.
00:30:09
Speaker
There's a reason that Missionary's a classic. yeah it does Yeah, it does work. So, Garrett, I want to know on the scale of sexy instruction, where does teaching someone how to swim rank with like, ah you know, in ghost, you're teaching the pottery or, ah you know, teaching someone to shoot pool and you you you lean over to to help them with the pool stick. Like, where does teaching someone to swim rank as far as sexiness goes?
00:30:40
Speaker
I guess it depends on the age of the person. um I think the- Assume everyone is of consenting age, Garrett. Oh, I'm just meaning like here it's still kind of cute, but the older you get, the less cute it is to watch somebody doggy battle.
00:31:00
Speaker
Like, it's okay to be in your mid-40s and not know how to throw a pot or shoot pool, but to not know how to swim, you look a little ridiculous learning it. Well, and him said, I've got to teach you to swim. And he just kind of drags her out into the deep end and has sex with her. Yeah, he's not a good teacher. There's no lesson. She's not a good student, though, either. It's true, I've never taught anyone to swim and they made me say, I love you. I did ask John, um have you ever been, if you were a teenage boy and you are having sex with someone you've met like two days ago, maximum, and they say, tell me you love me, you don't have to mean it, just say it. What is your reaction?
00:31:56
Speaker
And he said, it's probably about the same as his. I'd be like, what? And then just do it. Oh, I think I'm the opposite. I think I would say I love you and mean it. Are you kidding me? I'm like 16 years old having sex in a lap pool. I love you so much. We're gonna get married. I can picture our dog in house. Okay, but what if you are cheating on your perfect girlfriend at the time? Well then, my reaction's gonna be the same as his on the car ride home. Absolute look of regret. He fucked up. Like in Malicious, same thing. The car ride home from the sex.
00:32:44
Speaker
Major disappointment on the face, didn't even enjoy it. The second the venom comes out, your brain goes back to working normal. yeah And yeah you realize- Because he tries in the pool. He's like, no, we can't, we can't. And then she's just grabbing his dick and he's like, f fuck it. ah A man can only put up with so much. So this seems to be an important lesson. And I'm curious why um society feels this lesson needs to be taught. But um in much the same way that in a horror movie, the virgin girl, right, lasts till the end of the movie and doesn't get killed. um Erotic thrillers seem to have this message like, hey, teenage boys,
00:33:33
Speaker
Just the girl who lets you stick your dick in her within 48 hours of meeting her is is crazy. Stick with your boring cock tease girlfriend. Don't stick your cock in anything just because it will let you. Mm hmm. And is that a message, Garrett, that you will teach your son someday when he's 15 years old? Hey, son. Oz man.
00:34:02
Speaker
don't just stick your dick in anybody that'll let you. I think I'll actually give him the Mr. Show bit where there's the three holes in the barn. um And these holes three are not for thee, don't stick your dick in these holes. ah First one's his daughter, second one's his wife, turns out the third one's a milking machine that won't stop till it gets 50 gallons. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Wow. That is is just as good of an erotic thriller as this. That is the lesson someone gets. Yeah. no Well, do you remember early on in this podcast, it was one of the first episodes, I think I said something like, be careful who you fuck and you got mad at me.
00:34:45
Speaker
ah for telling our listeners what to do. And I was like. If they wanna take their lives into their own hands, that is their right, their God-given right. um But the movies seem to have very specific idea on who you are and are not supposed to fuck. It's true though. Like these are all cautionary tales for a reason. And I think not as many people are learning from them.
00:35:15
Speaker
Judging by the number of people who get their bunnies boiled every year, uh, statistically too many people are sticking their dick in crazy.
00:35:29
Speaker
ah So afterwards, she's like, I hope you don't think i I do this all the time, which is literally exactly what Molly Ringwald said. Like, you can't do that. You had a real hot fuck in a water-based situation. After meeting this guy that day, you don't get to say, oh, but I'm not easy. I'm not one of those those loose women you hear about. but Just embrace it. Be a slut. Fuck the whole swim team.
00:36:01
Speaker
She tries. she does and And I do love that as swim fan, as I will just refer to her the rest of this podcast, as swim fan, because in this moment, like he stuck his dick in in the water, that unlocked like the true craziness. Nothing crazy had really happened yet. But now, like switch has been flipped. yeah And every scene until the end of the movie, her eye shadow gets darker.
00:36:33
Speaker
That's how you know. And his mustache gets bushier. Just imagine if she'd been a goth chick. Like where would it have to go from there? You've already reached peak. I can't even tell if it's eye makeup or if she's just not been sleeping well, but he wakes up to the phone ringing and his girlfriend says, I know what you did. Oh my God. They do this something multiple times in this movie where she's like busted. I know what you're doing. And then it's something completely unrelated and it's like, wow, that was tense for all of point five seconds. Thanks.
00:37:13
Speaker
Basically like the next 15 minutes of this movie, we're just having lots of scenes of her being like, let's hang out and being like, yeah I don't know. And she's really, really adamant about it. And she's like, but we're just friends. We'll just be friends. and in And it's already fucking up his his swimming ability. Like with Molly Ringwald, the first after the first time she had sex with him, he had a home run. Like at least at first it was good it for his career. This immediately is fucking up his ability to swim. Yeah, because as he's swimming, we're doing a montage where he's in the pool. All of his friends are swimming in his jizz unknowingly.
00:37:59
Speaker
They're listening to New Metal and he has a montage going up his in his head of fucking in that pool, winning races. But guess what? You got too much going on and now John Ritter's kid is beating you in races. The nicest guy in this movie is John Ritter's kid. Josh? No, no, no. Josh is not a nice kid. No, not Josh, the other one. Oh, the other kid. Yeah, he seemed nice enough. His friend Josh is such a dick, but right he's that dick friend that a lot of us had in high school. But he is going through such an identity crisis. The first time we see him, he's in like an Ashton Kutcher, like Von Dutch style trucker hat.
00:38:44
Speaker
and he's being a douche. Next time we see him, he's dressed like a skater boy with like a little beanie, a wife beater, he's got his baseball bat. The third time we see this motherfucker, they're at a party and they're all dressed like greasers. I really think this is like a post 9-11, like no one knows who they are anymore, everybody's- 2002 was a tough time, man. it was a and We were all going through some shit. just in the same way she left behind her ah notebook to trap him into coming to see her. ah She leaves her panties in the car so that ah Amy will find them. And it's like immediately, I'm like, Dan, this girl is on her shit. Like she is ready to go. She's making friends with the girlfriend and, you know, pretending she's meeting him for the first time.
00:39:41
Speaker
Like, she's doing it. Honestly, she's kind of a criminal fucking mastermind. Right? Like there are parts of this movie where she's like eight steps ahead of everybody, like preparing to do things that there are no feasible way for her to do. Yeah. Which she doesn't. And that's the interesting part of the movie that you don't get to see. That's why I want to see the movie from her perspective. Right? I want to see where you got your in with fucking anabolic steroids in it, girl. Yeah, we'll get to that. We'll get to that. So, he's on this Geocities ass website. Kit? Yeah? Let me read you the notes I took on this scene. Okay. He's now at home on the internet on a website for swimmers. The most Geocities ass website you've ever seen.
00:40:33
Speaker
Garrett, we share one brain cell.
00:40:38
Speaker
It's literally right here in my notes, Geocities ass website. I'm looking at it in my notes right now as well. Leah got, Leah watched it with me the first time and when she saw the website, she said, when Trump says, make America great again, he needs this type of website.
00:41:01
Speaker
You expect to see a little dancing baby in there or maybe a little under construction gif ah going back and forth.
00:41:12
Speaker
um But yeah, here's the thing is they're chatting through this swimming website. Yeah. A website that ranks high school swimmers. Yeah, and and for some reason that has ah DMs on its forums there, I guess. Why are they not using it? She's just been camping out on it, waiting for him to go to fucking swim.com or whatever. Why were they not just on AIM, Garrett? AIM had existed since 1997. I was using it. You were using it. She still could have been swimfan85. I don't think that was taken yet.
00:41:49
Speaker
I got erotic thriller a little bit on a on a name in high school. Please tell me this. I I had cyber sex kit. I had it. Did it start with ASL?
00:42:04
Speaker
No, I didn't ask each other ASL. we well We already knew each other at that point, but it was the person I never met. And I did have a girlfriend. This is my freshman year of high school. So I am- You cyber cheated. And I was a swimmer. Garrett, you got swim tanned. But one of my friends that liked my girlfriend knew. Oh my God. And he broke into my house. No, he didn't. Shut up.
00:42:37
Speaker
he He logged onto my computer and printed out the entire conversation. On my own computer, fucked me with my own paper. He made you pay for that. That's your ink. Does he know how expensive that is? Then mike my girlfriend comes over. ah hu We're watching The Exorcist. Stop it, Garrett. And then she slams down a handful of papers into my lap.
00:43:07
Speaker
Garrett. Yeah, I have, I'll be honest, I don't know if I've ever told anyone this story. This is a- You just told the whole internet just now. Yeah. Wow. Is cyber sex cheating? Since it like, it could have been a boy. Yes, Garrett. I don't know. Garrett fucking a boy is still cheating. But if I was unknowingly doing it, like, Garrett, if you have sex through a glory hole and you don't know who's on the other side, it is still cheating. Milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets 50 gallons. Garrett, that is such an insane story.
00:43:48
Speaker
here
00:43:50
Speaker
I don't know why I gave you that. um But we made out after that. you and the the girl You and your girlfriend did or you and the cyber sex girl? During that whole boring bit at the beginning of the exorcist. She made out with you after she ah pointed out that you were cheating on her? I wasn't cheating. That was just internet words. So you said, hey, that's just internet words. And she said, OK. And then you made out. I think it was more of a, obviously this is very embarrassing. I don't know how I handled it at that age. I was way more awkward than than I am now. So it was probably a lot of, I may have even cried. I don't know. I don't remember. Well, that didn't exactly work out the way your buddy was hoping then, huh?
00:44:38
Speaker
No, it turns out it unlocked a level of shame and dignity in me. That apparently was endearing. And also the beginning of The Exorcist is really kind of boring. I don't care what anyone says. There's never been a more who gives a fuck beginning of a movie than The Exorcist. And I'll stand by that. But this happened. I don't feel good. Does this make me a bad person? i You know, I mean, this was a long time ago. i was a Garrett, Garrett, you were 14. Literally none of your decisions can be held against you. Am I still your maid of honor? No, I know what you did on aim.
00:45:21
Speaker
Whatever. So who amongst us has not had cyber sex on me? just a 14 year old boy jerking off the words at the family computer. Yeah. the The only difference between you and me is I did not have a partner at the time and I was meeting people via like anime for God only knows who like who I was st talking to. Well, this person was supposedly a couple of towns over. Oh, so I don't remember their name. I would. I wouldn't give it on the podcast if I did, but I don't remember. I mean, obviously, I never met this person in real life or even saw a photo of them. So it was it was very anonymous. Yeah, I didn't know anybody. All right. So so. Oh, my God. How are we supposed to go back to talking about this movie after this bombshell revelation?
00:46:19
Speaker
Well, it's because he has a pager. That's the next thing that is I wrote in all caps right underneath. He has a motherfucking pager. It's sick. It's a pretty rad pager. Well, I mean, he goes and he's talking to his coach and his coach is like, you be you're fucking up. You're fucking up with the talented. And the whole goddamn time, this motor, this blue pager just blowing up with this crazy girl being like, we fucked in a pool. Love me. Hello. How did she get his pager number? I do not know. That's not the kind of thing that's in the yellow pages, but I don't know.
00:47:01
Speaker
That's one of the smaller smaller holes in her Swiss cheese. Yeah, no kidding. um And it ah she's in his house. He goes home and she's in his house. she She's like, oh, I finally got to meet your mom. And he rightly says, finally? Because again, they've known her for like three days. Okay, once again, an interesting thing with a lot of these movies. Beginning to end, timeline. How many days in total do you think this movie is? It's pretty unclear, but I wanna say two months start to finish. Oh shit, okay. That's my guess.
00:47:46
Speaker
but Yeah, I mean, that's that's as good of a guess as any. I would have guessed two weeks. Like maybe even a week. But you have to assume these parties are on weekends in a lot of these meetings and there're they're still going to jobs. There's a lot of time when they're at jobs and school and that it's not showing, presumably. Which, can you believe the job that he has? He's basically an orderly at an old age home and he's in charge of pills. Yeah, there's no way they let some random teenager do that job, it's insane. Well, you would, yeah, I mean, his mom does work there. Maybe his mom got it for him, she hooked him up. They're like, he's a drug addict, he's like, but he swims real good, so he's responsible. Also, it's a Juve record, it's sealed.
00:48:37
Speaker
but he's got an old man there that he's you know he's friends with and he brought him porno cards, really maybe the most erotic part of the movie. If you try and pause it just right, you might see a boob. hey But yeah, so, so she's saying some really wonderful things. He's like, what I think you're misunderstanding our relationship. She's like, yeah, we're friends. And he's like, this isn't what friends do. And she's like, friends see each other. Friends are happy when friends stop by with flowers. And she said this like in the most Children of the Corn esque kind of like tone of voice.
00:49:16
Speaker
Um, she's not wrong though. I mean, she's not, but like, I feel like he could have dealt with this differently by being like, yeah, but I don't like it when people drop by unannounced, you know, like even, you know, you, you could have done it without like telling her, uh,
00:49:37
Speaker
uh, when she says, what are you saying that making love to me was a mistake? And he's like, yeah, I guess that is what I'm saying. Though after that line, we got the most interesting piece of filmmaking that comes back throughout this entire movie. Cause visually not a super interesting movie other than like the movie's just kind of got a blue hue yeah throughout the whole thing. Like I'm in a pool. Yeah. That is one of the most notable cinematography choices. But yes, this is the other one.
00:50:11
Speaker
Yeah, when when he says yes or whatever, like to that was a mistake. The way it cuts, it's just like three inch cuts on the same side of her head, where the camera will just like, bing, bing, bing, like just bounce back and forth, showing you that her brain is melting. It's shattering in front of you. And the music that plays in those moments is like, um I don't know, a sword coming out of a sheath in a samurai movie. ah It's like, shing! She's having a ah mental breakdown.
00:50:47
Speaker
Yeah. um And so ah she listens to some sad cello music. She's definitely copied his car key and ah she sends him via Geocities website. ah The beautiful slow loading soft core porn pic of her with her boobies just covered by the the little selfie camera in the mirror. and the pixilation coming in. Garrett, did that bring back beautiful memories of you jerking off to real media clips that were like 20 seconds long?
00:51:26
Speaker
kit it was a combination of yes that but also just that beautiful era from 2002 to let's say 2011, where, you know, like before the iPhone had the front facing camera, the selfie mirror shot, ah huh that went away. And it shouldn't have. I like seeing the mirror. but I like seeing the fucking actual camera and then upload it to the computer. Presumably she went through a lot of work. This is like making a mixtape back in the day. You didn't just put together a Spotify playlist. You went through some effort to show this kid not your actual boobs, which she's already seen.
00:52:12
Speaker
That's true. I mean, it's still an exciting picture to get as a boy, just not in the school library while your girlfriend's there and you can't get the computer to turn on. Trying to like alt F4 or whatever over and over again. and she is sending him 81 emails. Oh my God. um So yeah, so she started, she starts dating Josh, the other swim team guy. And for a moment, it seems like everything's gonna be okay. Like maybe she's moved on. You could see the relief of like, okay, she's she's done. The eyeshadow's still getting darker though. um Yeah, so he should have known that this was not over yet.
00:52:52
Speaker
He meets up with his his girlfriend and they're talking. She's like. I know what's going on or whatever. And we have our second of those moments. And then it's I know you're really stressed out. And you thought I was pressuring you too much by saying that I could transfer like or I could go to school in Berkeley. So our our colleges would closer together. And i it's okay if we just want to take it one day at a time. She's like, God, could you be any more obnoxiously perfect? you No wonder he cheated on you. He says, I don't deserve you. She doesn't contradict him. She doesn't say, of course you do, or like, oh, and I don't deserve you. No, no, she knows she is too good for him.
00:53:36
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, honestly, this relationship, the whole situation, we're so early into these nice people's lives. This is a relationship that just needs to be left in the rearview mirror and start over to college to go to college, she needs to meet another, ah like a better guy. He needs to not stay for the rest of his life with the girl he um associates with saving him from his like, crime and drug life previously, because he's he doesn't I think it's because he feels like he doesn't deserve her that he cheated on her. Like subconsciously, like some part of him was like, this is gonna end anyway. Like I might as well get my dick in this blonde.
00:54:19
Speaker
she You're right. Therapy is what he really needs. They all need therapy. But then he was rude to the to the nice ah Randy old man in the hospital. And I was like, this is the one man you should be talking to about your problems. Don't be rude to the Randy old man. He's the one. Do you know how much shit this man has seen? absolutely has been in this exact situation before, and he doesn't know anyone that he could tell on you, uh, too. So like, lay out your whole story for him. He'll help you out.
00:54:54
Speaker
This is one of the weirder moments, so he's got his cart of pills, and he goes and brings the old man pills, and his back is to the cart the whole time, and he gives the guy the pills, walks away, code blue, immediately. He's been out of that room for 10 seconds, and then there's a code blue. And that man is dying. He gave him poison? Somebody fucked with his cart. Yeah, somebody switched to the meds. And you know what, maybe it turns out that they never should have hired a like 17 year old to be in charge of medication. Shocker. And it's really funny because like they had just had that conversation where she was like, maybe you need to drop some of your commitments. And he's like, I'm trying to drop you. And then she goes and does this. She's like, if he doesn't have a job, then he'll have more time for me.
00:55:49
Speaker
His scene after this, because he gets fired from his job. yep He immediately, this scene's hilarious. He basically sprints from job to his school, which is empty, yes runs into the library, which is empty where Swimfan is playing cello, disrespects that fucking cello hard, throws the cello, and chokes her. Just shitting him. Yeah, and she's like, if you wanted it rough, you should have said something. and ah This is not getting him what he wants. it's ah It's clearly the worst possible option is to go into a public place and start choking her. So he goes to his girlfriend and he's like, this is all fucking going to shit. I gotta tell my girlfriend what's going on and mess up. And she's like, I don't get off till one in the morning and you have a swim meet tomorrow. This is a dumb idea. Go home and we'll talk in the morning.
00:56:47
Speaker
And then Garrett, was it clear to you what happened next? I rewound it and watched it again on the first view because I'm like, I missed something. So we took it back. Basically, he walks into school and everybody everybody everybody's giving him the look like, oh, you fucked up. He runs up, gets to his locker, his girlfriend's standing there crying, slaps him in the face. I was expecting to see a note on his locker spray painted. I thought for sure there was going to be like a big spray paint or poster that's or or pictures of them together. Like of them like fucking in the pool or something.
00:57:28
Speaker
that there would be something that she had like posted for everyone to see in the school. But instead, it's it's completely unclear how everyone in the school found out. No, and we don't even know if she knows it's with with her, with Swimfan. We are the only people in this movie that doesn't know what happened. a strange but good point because yes, everyone else knows how they know. I don't know why we don't. The principal knows like everybody knows the fucking scouts at his swim meet. No, buts sad they're like, you cheated on your girlfriend, man. Yeah, because next, like you see him, he has to he has a swim meet and he has to take a piss test before they they swim.
00:58:22
Speaker
he gives his pss He passes his buddy and his buddy's giving him like, a you fucked up. yeah they get there We see the swim dorks up in the up in the balcony, huge dorks, the guys that are gonna recruit him into this college. The swim scouts. And this scene is so bizarre. so Cher's dad from Clueless, aka Dan Hideo, he comes over and he whispers, he's like, hey man, you tested positive for steroids. Steroids are not allowed in this school.
00:58:59
Speaker
Real widely. As opposed to all the places where teenagers are allowed to use steroids in competitions. But then weirder than that is immediately the guy who gets on the megaphone over the whole room and is just like, Ben isn't in the race. Ben has been let go from the race. He will not be competing. He has been disqualified. He is a lying, cheating. He's a bad, bad boy. His dad left him when they were chilling when he was again. I don't understand why he wasn't like, this is insane. I demand that you let me take a new test right now. You can watch me piss in the cup.
00:59:39
Speaker
like why Why does he not defend himself? Instead, he goes over and he like I assumed. So here's what I assumed happens because he goes over to to Josh and he's like, oh, my God, you helped her because Josh is looking all smug and Josh is like, whatever, dude. ah And it's he shoves him into the pool. you shoves ah Josh shoves Ben into the pool. And I was like, I was like, Oh shit, that's Josh's piss. Josh Swift is on steroids. That's why he's been swimming better. ah And he swapped their urine. And that's why, uh, you know, his, they, take he tested positive is because it was Josh's urine. He switched the labels and like,
01:00:31
Speaker
you could just tell the coach tell the coach like hey i i went over and i said hey you switched our urine and he shoved me in the pool like this is very clearly not like i've been sabotaged but no he never tells anybody that there's a chance of sabotage he's just content to let his entire life disintegrate I genuinely think you're wrong on how this happened. No! Because then I've turned out I was completely wrong. Josh didn't use steroids. Instead, he didn't know anything about this. And it was all Maddie. It was all Madison. It was all Swimfan.
01:01:12
Speaker
When we found that where did she get the fucking piss with steroids in it? Well, we see that she has the steroids. It was her piss. She had been taking steroids. What? And she switched the piss. Like it was all this happened because she was on like that she beats Joss to death later because she had roid rage. So that's, yes, because in that moment, when I saw that, like when the piss thing happened, I was like, oh my God, she's gonna be buff as fuck next time we see her. She is going to have like an incredible whole size foe. It's gonna be like in love lies bleeding. Her muscles just start to bulge out.
01:01:59
Speaker
Seriously though, like, because after this scene, he ends up um he just lets so much shit happen to him from here on out he does not defend himself in any way that makes any sense to anybody so ah maddie is making out with josh afterwards like because she's got a new hot swim buddy but she calls him ben while they're kissing and he's like oh my god ben was right you're an obsessive bitch and i was like i don't think ben ever actually said that
01:02:33
Speaker
Um, so that's a little weird, but, uh, she doesn't take this, uh, this very well, does she Garrett? She doesn't. ah Ben goes to swim team practice, opens his locker, finds Josh's baseball bat that he had earlier in the movie, and his locker thinks weird. He goes out, goes to the pool, takes a little dive. There's no one around. Swims one lap head first into a dead fucking body. How did he not? How did he not?
01:03:07
Speaker
I was like, I did not see this coming at all and clearly somehow neither did our main character. How did he not see that there was a dead body in the pool? Or did she manage to drag a dead body into the pool? what Like in the amount of time that this almost Olympic caliber swimmer can make it from one end of the pool to the next? That body was definitely already in there. And in the words of what I assume a studio executive said, when somebody asked about this, I don't know, they're 13 who gives a fuck.
01:03:44
Speaker
Like they don't fucking care. this was made This was truly a movie that like so little care was put into logic and I love it. I kinda love it. So like obviously he's getting framed and the locker the bat was in his locker so that his fingerprints would be on it. Problem is the bat has no blood on it. So it's clearly been cleaned and his fingerprints are on it after it's been cleaned. So it doesn't make any goddamn sense. And also, for some reason, he never tells the cops, like, have you looked into his girlfriend? His girlfriend's fucking crazy. His girlfriend was like stalking me and she tried to get me and my girlfriend to break up. Like, you should check her out. She's crazy. Everybody fucking knows you fucked her in a pool at this point. Yeah. I think. So just tell the cops. Tell the cops. But no, instead he's like content to let himself like be framed for murder. He's like, well,
01:04:42
Speaker
That's gonna happen. So instead, he's like, well, I guess the only option I have here is to break into her house. While she's having a cello recital in front of like, you saw the movie Hereditary, right? ah The cult in the tree house at the end? I think those are the same people she's playing the cello for.
01:05:07
Speaker
I was more getting the vibe that they're like people from the ah what's the the famous painting of the the farmer and his wife. Mm hmm. Yeah, that they looked like those people to me, but similar vibe. So they were, I presume her aunt's friends who is like yeah either possessed or a cult leader, a witch. There was some like Jaime shit and they just had their dicks put away.
01:05:35
Speaker
That was nice considering a 17 year old girl was in front of them playing Michelle-O. They had their dicks out for the 17 year old boy in the tree. That's fair. So ah he breaks into her house. It's really dumb. He's making very bad choices, but he finds her shrine box of him, of all the articles about him and his swimming. and a Marky Mark style picture with the face cut out and her face put in. but Thankfully, it's not and she didn't replace like his mom with her like Mark mark did with the dad. She at least replaced the girlfriend, I think.
01:06:21
Speaker
Also, this is where he pulls out the pill bottle of steroids in her like handy drawer. Oh, that's what that was. I assume those were the pills that were ah that she used to kill the old man. No, I believe it does on their say like steroids. Well, good news, dude, you got your fingerprints all over that. So you're really doing a great job here. He finds like a a ah hospital volunteer shirt in her closet. Like there's a smorgasbord of evidence here. And then, uh, the weirdo weird kid han hank comes. I ah did you not expect this kid to be walking around with like a copy of catcher in the rye and he's about to go like assassinate child.
01:07:11
Speaker
Kid. a There is a scene where he is literally reading Catcher in the Rye. What? You're joking. I'm not I'm not fucking joking. It happened before this. Like, remember, he's eating lunch and he sees that kid across the fucking table. Oh, my God. He's like across the room. He's literally sitting there reading Catcher in the fucking Rye because I paid attention to what book he was reading. Garrett, this movie is so fucking cliche that I'm guessing it even without having actually seen it that part. That's insane. So yeah, but it turns out he doesn't want to assassinate um a beetle. What he wants to do is help out our protagonist here. and He doesn't want to assassinate a beetle. He just really wants to impress Ronald Reagan.
01:08:02
Speaker
Oh, no. Impress Jodie Foster. Jodie Foster. No. we Yeah. Sorry. There's different assassins here with who are sad. Sad, sad sins. OK. So, yeah, he's like, oh, here's here's ah my cousin's so old a shrine box for her last boyfriend. um And which is a bunch of baseball stuff.
01:08:26
Speaker
He, yeah, and then he's he sneaks him out so she doesn't see him and he's basically like, my cousin's really, really scary. ah And then they meet up and this is where he sees the catcher in the rye book and he's like, here, come with me. Cousin takes him to New York City. Yeah, that's insane, right? Like she specifically said, I knew a baseball player back in New York City and he was being scouted by the Mets. So there's no possible way that they're in anywhere but New York City, right? But like, how did they get there? Garrett? They live in New Jersey. They don't. This is the most, they live in, I'm sorry, but this place is the most California coded place I've ever seen. um I think it actually even was shot in New Jersey. Are you kidding me? But he's talking about going to Stanford and she's talking about going to Berkeley. Yeah. Cause he's saying like, I have to move across the country for it.
01:09:26
Speaker
Because even his license plates are jersey license plates. I did not notice that. I was just like, oh, of course this is in California. Only California would have a high school where like half of it is outdoors. Well, because we were trying to figure out, and we just knew they were East Coast. We didn't know if they, at first we thought Rhode Island, because they actually do bring up Rhode Island. Nobody brings up to Rhode Island. But he has a New Jersey license plate, so they're in Jersey and drive up to New York. Okay, so, ah which makes none of the rest of this make any goddamn sense. The fact that, like, the timeline on the rest of this sequence is bazonkers. well
01:10:05
Speaker
The timeline isn't even the problem here. So the cousin takes him to this hospital where her ex-boyfriend is in like kind of a nunnery slash hospital. like one of them nuner I thought it was an insane asylum at first because it was definitely not coded hospital like it was coded more nunneries slash insane asylum. ah But no, apparently it is. It's one of those really nice wood paneled hospitals you see all the time. Her ex-boyfriend Jake is a vegetable and you find out that Madison was driving a car. or well Yeah, matt I assume Madison was driving. He did not have a seat belt on. She did. They crashed.
01:10:51
Speaker
What's insane about this fucking room? It's huge. It is. His hospital room is bigger than I would say most hotels I've ever seen. I assume that like maybe his parents are rich and they paid for him to be in like some private care facility for like long-term Catholic care where the nuns will put you in a nice row. He's a veggie. Well, that does okay, but Catholics don't believe in taking people off life support, Garrett. You don't have to take him off, but you could store him in a fucking closet. You don't need to be in the nicest room in the hospital. You could fit nine guys in there.
01:11:28
Speaker
He doesn't fucking care. He is literally a vegetable. Well, Madison's convinced that if they leave him surrounded by his trophies and Letterman jacket and all that, that someday he's going to wake up and be completely back to normal. Here's where Plot Hole City starts to just, everything falls apart story-wise. He gets a Motorola page to call his mommy. He calls mommy. Because during all of this scene, we're getting a montage of Madison, a gay swim fan, stealing his Bronco and running his girlfriend down on her Vespa. The mom calls and says, your girlfriend's in the hospital. There's witnesses that you did it.
01:12:13
Speaker
Yeah, you see her put on a baseball cap and like that's the way she makes herself look like like like Ben is that she she put on a baseball cap and I guess a Leatherman a Letterman jacket and like there you go. It's him. But beyond that, he is in another state where there are hundreds of people who've seen him. So many witnesses. He talked to a nurse. He talked to the nun at the front. He has the cousin. He's calling you from a payphone in New Jersey. He could go to a police station right now and say, I just found out this just happened. They think I did it. I'm not here. I'm clearly here. Alibi.
01:12:55
Speaker
alibi ah you talk talked to and say, excuse me, I know this is weird, but like, the craziest thing just happened. I've been accused of a crime that apparently just happened. And like, I'm here. Can you please tell them that I'm here and I've been here and and all this is is a crazy mistake. but no, instead, no, he has a way better plan. He has a plan, like a big thought out plan, plan and it's a multiple people involved. This is also where he's got like a mustache, like his five o'clock shadow is popping these scenes for the rest of the movie. So, Madison is at the hospital where Amy is ah recovering.
01:13:45
Speaker
And she's like walking around in a ah doctor's coat. And for some reason, no one's like, excuse me, are you a teenager dressed up like a doctor? She looks fucking 30 with that doctor's coat on. She immediately became old. True. But as someone who knows what actual like high school students look like now that I am in my 30s, high school students look like absolute babies to me. So that old ass security guard that she made direct eye contact with should have been like, Hey, I don't think you work here. What are we eight years removed from Doogie Howser being on the air? It's not unheard of. um So she's walking around with a scalpel, planning to sabotage and kill. Slitter throat, present like, you know, fucking do something and they have the
01:14:40
Speaker
the hospital page, the dead, not dead coma kids name come to the nurses station and they do that multiple times. And so she's like, I guess I got to go find out what that's about. For a reason. And and they're in the lobby is. is is him the coma kid with the Letterman jacket and the hat and everything. And so she follows him out into the parking lot. And she's like, ah what's this coma boyfriend? And it turns around and no, it's the cousin. This is where shit gets like.
01:15:27
Speaker
bonkers crazy plot hole dumb writing everything. So in this scene, and I didn't notice this in the first watch, this was in the second watch when I really paid attention to what was being said, because Ben stops her from stabbing the guy and is holding the scalpler scalpel to her throat. and he's yelling about everything that's happened. This is a sentence he says on camera, because presumably he's trying to get a confession out of her. Yes, because secretly this whole time, one of his friends is the random girl that they just kept having show up in the background and other scenes so that you wouldn't be totally confused when she shows up as a major plot point at the end. Yeah, she's there with her camera. And so presumably, yes, they're trying to trick her into confessing on camera.
01:16:17
Speaker
But the line that he says to her is, they already think I killed Josh and I tried to kill Amy. That sentence didn't come out right. yeah That came out as him confessing. yep And then he says, I'm already going to spend the rest of my life in prison. What's one more? And then she says, I did it for us. And then at that point, he smacks her in the back of the head. And he's holding a thing to her throat. All this video shows is him confessing to murder, holding a knife to somebody's throat and physically hitting her. But the cops were like, you're right, she did it. clearly this crazy bitch did it and it's like none of this was necessary he didn't need to do any of this honestly all they need to do was like drop the knife and like just here you're a fucking ah swimmer she's a little teenage girl just drag her ass back to the cops none of this is necessary and it's a terrible confession because all she says is I did it for us which means nothing
01:17:27
Speaker
No, and if the next thing that she does is fucking insane. The only thing they have her on is impersonating a doctor, which I don't even think is a crime. If she had a good lawyer, I think this tape would have actually gotten her off. Yeah. Other than if he had ah any lawyer at all that would have been like, he was in New York, there's a hundred wins. But the cops put her in the cop car. This is bizarre. One cop is driving. This is so The other cop sits in the back seat with her. You know why? Cops do. The reason he was sitting back there is because the cameraman was sitting in the front seat. Like reality television, because that's how they filmed it. It's so stupid. Why do you have arrested someone for murder and you are going to ride in the back seat with the perp with your gun just right there where she can grab it?
01:18:23
Speaker
She pulls that gun out, shoots both cops in the head. Next. And there's no, there's no like glass or whatever that separates the front seat from the back seat. You know, the thing that they have to prevent shit like this from happening. There's a glare if you film through that.
01:18:42
Speaker
This is this is all filming like this is the DP. This is a shitty DP. The funniest thing though is like now that like that this is over and we see him going to talk to Amy. Amy is beat the fuck up because she's been run over by a car and she looks You've never seen someone so disappointed where she is dealing with so much shit. Where it's like, you can do better, girl. This should have been the end where she says- Don't let this man drag you down. Don't let this kid ruin your future. You deserve so much better in so many ways. You've got good grades, good enough to get into Berkeley.
01:19:25
Speaker
right you work long hours you're a nice kid uh you can do so much better than this jump but he tells about his daddy issues dad cheated on mom he said he was never going to do that but he did anyway and doesn't even explain why this is the weird thing is like you you just you told you told me a heartfelt story about like my dad cheated on my mom and I didn't want to be like him and I didn't think it would happen this fast that I turned into my shitty dad and it's like that doesn't tell your girlfriend why you why you did it it's not even an apology really
01:20:09
Speaker
The next part, I don't understand, he goes home. She knocks Ben out with a swim trophy, knocks his mom out with a swim trophy. This scene seems like it could have just been skipped. Nobody really needed to be knocked out. This is where I wrote, this movie should be over by now, but they gotta make page count, I guess. You gotta hit 81 minutes, that's important. So, ah yeah, dumb, dumb, no good reason for anything. But he gets a page telling him, like, you want to go for a dip? And so he realizes that he's taking the pool, the pool, of course. And there she's got Amy strapped to a chair, handcuffed to a chair because she was in a cop car, so she has free handcuffs and
01:20:59
Speaker
ah and she's like gonna throw her in the pool and she's like, all you have to do to make me not do this is say you love me. And he's like, I can't do that. She gets tossed in the pool. I was like, if I'm Amy, I'm so mad you didn't just lie. I do not need you to declare that you don't love her and you'd actually love me nearly as much as I need to not die right now.
01:21:29
Speaker
It's actually this scene that makes me think the movie takes place in a week or two. Because as she sinks to the bottom of the pool, he he realizes he still has her hairpin in his jeans pocket. Well, first of all, physics underwater doesn't work because apparently the chair is too heavy for him to just lift out of there. and It's just a regular ass wooden chair. It's underwater and he's a very powerful athlete. There's no reason he shouldn't be able to just shove that up there. But okay, he has to use the hairpin. Garrett, I'm gonna counterpoint. He is a teenage boy. Of course he hasn't changed or washed his jeans in like two months.
01:22:12
Speaker
Mom is gonna go tell him, these jeans are so bored stiff. ah You have to wash these fucking things. No, no. Although now that you mention it, like she's Amy's parents are still out of town. That's why she was throwing a party earlier in the movie. So if they're still out of town and that's why she is recovering at Ben's house instead of her own house. And that's why Maddie knocks Ben and his mom out to get Amy kidnapped.
01:22:46
Speaker
That does mean that like unless they were her parents are out of town for like a month that the party was like a week ago. Yeah. Which is insane. Because the party was way back when they had just fucked like the day before. Timeline stupid. timeline's real stupid but yeah we get Chekhov's barrett so that he uh unlocks her and she's trying to whack him with the pool skimmer thing to keep him from rescuing his girlfriend a yankksxi and it and pulls her in and uh you know that's when she gets her comeuppance for not paying attention to her swimming lesson yeah and then where we end up here is just
01:23:37
Speaker
the weirdest CPR scene I've ever seen on film. ah He drowned. Can you call it CPR even? What he's doing? Well, you can call it a prince's kiss to bring the lady back to life.
Moral Implications of Inaction in a Crisis
01:23:51
Speaker
Because motherfucker doesn't do a single chest compression. No. Not a one. Just blows into her mouth. Which, let's be honest, if you were a teenage boy, sexiest part of CPR. We all know that. ah But she doesn't die. And they drown swim fan. Yeah, it is wild to me that they just look over and see ah Maddie's body floating in the water and they don't even try. They're not even like a cursory attempt like I guess like we could try to not know they are ice cold about letting a teenage girl die in front of them like you are 1718 years old and you are a murderer what you've done.
01:24:34
Speaker
No, she killed two cops. She killed Josh. Her boyfriend's a vegetable. She tried to kill Amy. I wouldn't want it on my conscience that I had just sat there while someone drowned in front of me. I'm just saying. I don't know. I mean, it sounds like you don't have a very strong sense of vengeance. I know. Which is maybe a good characteristic.
Epilogue and Unresolved Issues
01:25:01
Speaker
Um, but yeah, so then we get a quick, like little epilogue where we see a swim competition. Oh, except he's not in it. He's in the stands. And then he gets in the the Bronco with Amy and they drive off end of movie. And I know it's nice that John Ritter's kid is now the best swimmer. I don't understand, like, ah so all this happened and he still didn't bother to get a new piss test? Like, why?
01:25:34
Speaker
and Or does he not wanna swim anymore? Was the pool ruined for him after the the if he fucked in the pool, his girlfriend almost died in the pool, ah and the his stalker did die in the pool, and now the pool is just ruined. I found his dead friend in the pool. The pool has, there's just, you know, like at a certain point juice isn't worth the squeeze. Just move on with your life. Have you considered other sports? Yeah. Um, I definitely didn't feel like their relationship was totally repaired though. And I do think Amy after this, like, Oh, you saved my life. Like trauma bond is, it has worn off. She's going to leave his ass and thank God for it. Yeah. This, I mean, it's not going to last. This relationship is kind of like in, in malicious. It just, you know, you maybe it goes a couple more months, but it's fucked.
01:26:29
Speaker
Yeah, you had perfect girlfriend and you fucked it up and you're not getting a second chance, I'm sorry.
Rating the Erotic and Thrill Factor
01:26:35
Speaker
All right, so it's time for the serious business. Garrett, are you ready? yeah Were you aroused, scale of one to five? I kind of was when we were talking about that old aim conversation. I'm talking about the movie. Oh, the movie? No. ah I mean, you know, like, I do like that at this point, you know, we've done Code Era movies, so way, like, G, G movies. yeah we Now we're at the PG-13. And we've done Arabella, Dark Angel, or whatever, where it's just like, full on everything, naked, naked, naked. And yeah, we've now done the full range, and this is on the PG side.
01:27:20
Speaker
So with this one, i talking to some people about this, like friends that remembered seeing it, they remembered liking it. But I also think that once again, they haven't watched it since they were 13 or 14 whenever it came out. I mean, no, it isn't. But I think as far as like making a PG-13 erotic thriller, like if you're doing one with teens that is actually made for teens that they can and see without a guardian in theaters, pretty well done, like it made pool sex look fun. The pool sex looked good, ah but there's only those two scenes. You see them- Old man boner cards. There's old man boner cards, there's him fooling around with his girlfriend in the Bronco, and then there's ah ah the pool sex, and that's all you get. Well, I guess you also get the the slowly loading in pixelated ah
01:28:14
Speaker
a picture of of her with her boobs covered up. So you got that. It's a one. I mean, I think we're both going to say this movie is a one. I don't think there's any argument. Otherwise, I don't think this would have gotten a teen boy going. I think that I don't think it would have gotten that girls would have had more fun with this is just a movie in general. You get to see a lot of men stripped down to their speedos. So if that's what you're into, like it's got that. It's just, ah there's not a lot of hot and heavy action. ah Okay, how about thrills? Garrett, were you thrilled, scale one to five? I laughed a lot watching this movie. I mean, this is a like real thrills like where I was fearful for anybody. No, but- You weren't scared when the the car was like ah coming in on that Vespa. You weren't a little nervous. She had her helmet on.
01:29:14
Speaker
um So she was going like 20 miles an hour and she ran her over at like 60 miles an hour on ah and a highway. I'm trying to think like, I mean the cop thing was a fucking surprise. Like that yeah escalated quickly. really quickly. And, uh, I would say there's some thrill in watching this kid, like, ruining his own life. And I don't mean the traditional sense of, like, he shouldn't have fucked this girl and that ruined his life by cheating on his girlfriend. I mean, like, by not demanding a new piss test and not telling people, hey, I'm in a different state. Like, that kind of ruining his life definitely made me anxious and uncomfortable.
01:30:00
Speaker
It really took me back to those aim days where i though those papers got slapped down in my lap and I was like, oh no. So like I did feel for the guy. I'm so, okay. Can you put a numerical score on that feeling? Oh, you take me back to freshman year of high school, that feeling? If I have to put a numerical score on that, You know what, I mean, at the time I'd never experienced anything like it, so at the time it was a five, and then I got to do some kissing afterwards, so that's pretty good. Erotic as well. Didn't go further than that, but.
01:30:43
Speaker
movie Movie one, aim chat was great, followed by the reveal five. i would put the movie at a 1.5 I'll give it a little bit more than than one but not not a lot and Garrett would you ruin your life for a swim fan as a swimmer Not anymore, well out of the game. But I was when this came out, so I was the target market of a swimmer and a movie that swimmers get laid. um Would I have done it that age in high school? I think we proved it with that name thing. I was i was a horny fool. Not only would you ruin your life, you did ruin your life.
01:31:36
Speaker
but it just worked out okay. She ended up cheating on me for real. Oh. With a senior. Oh man. Oh my God. Can I give you a little story? Yeah. So that senior went to our college. No. And because I'm from a small town and everybody knows everybody, that senior also had too many DUIs to drive home for Thanksgiving. You did not drive the guy your girlfriend cheated on you with home for Thanksgiving because he had DUIs. He called me. No. And asked me on the phone. Could you give me a ride? And I had to tell him.
01:32:23
Speaker
Do you remember the last interaction we had? We didn't even interact. My girlfriend cheated on me with you my
Personal Story on Vengeance and Satisfaction
01:32:30
Speaker
freshman year. And I know we're like several years removed from that, but like it does give me great pleasure to tell you no. I'm not even saying you deserve this necessarily. I'm just saying it makes me happy to be able to say no. And I said, but in all seriousness, do you think it would be fun to sit next to me for a four hour car ride? I was like, cause I don't want to sit with you. And then he's like, yeah, I guess not. But there had to have been a bit of humility in that phone call. I mean, did he know that you were the other man in this scenario? Absolutely. He knew that's just one of those small schools. Everybody knows who's dating everybody. Yeah, that's you know, that's
01:33:16
Speaker
I'll give that some thrills. There was a there was a five and tell him that guy to go pop off. And also maybe a two on erotic, cause you got a little chub thinking about it. I did i do have a strong sense of vengeance. so
01:33:34
Speaker
oh give it ah High school me would have ruined my life for Erika Christensen.
Teenage Romance Decisions
01:33:40
Speaker
I don't think um adult me would ruin my life for adult Erika Christensen. I, I think, um, I understand being a teenager and like the first person that pays attention to you is like the most amazing thing ever. But she wasn't even the first person to pay attention to you. You had perfect girlfriend. So I'm going to say if I had had perfect girlfriend in high school, no, I would not have ruined my life for swim fan. So no.
Final Rating and Audience Engagement
01:34:15
Speaker
Well, that movie sucked, um but it was really fun. It earned every bit of that 15% that it has. And this is absolutely a movie you and I would have watched together at some point, like down the road. I'm surprised we hadn't already, to be honest. I mean, right? Yeah, I'd actually never seen it before, so i this was fun. I don't know where we go from here. We just had Arabella, now this. How hardcore do we need to go next week? Well, I don't know, the Olympics are still gonna be on, aren't they? So we could figure out a different sport. Well, by the time this episode airs and we get to the next one, I think it'll be gone. I don't know, we'll see, we'll see. We'll have something. We've got a huge list to pull from. Hey guys, thanks for listening. Thank you so much.
01:35:08
Speaker
eroticthrillerclub at gmail dot.com if you wanna write to us. If you're listening on YouTube, if you're listening on Spotify, leave a comment, joke along with us, we'll write back to you. We love you, we love you. You're here, you're part of the club. yeah This is a group activity. Yeah, suggest, if you have suggestions for more movies that you'd like to see us cover, absolutely let us know. And Garrett? We love you, thank you for listening. We wanna shake you naked and eat you alive.