Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Embrace Of The Vampire (1995)
72 Plays8 months ago
For all of October Erotic Thriller Club is taking a look at some erotic horror movies and there's no better place to start than the 1995 Alyssa Milano flick Embrace of the Vampire! Ye old boob jobs! Door licking! How important are bass players?
Recommended
Transcript
Welcome to The Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, your glowiest aunt, and gather around your radio. It's time for this week's meeting of The Erotic Thriller Club.
Plot Overview: Embrace of the Vampire
00:01:08
Speaker
It's 1995, and you're a centuries-old vampire who really misses his girlfriend. Convinced your true love has been reincarnated in the form of a sexy co-ed, you move to a small college town in Minnesota or wherever. You have three days to get her to ditch her boring putt of a boyfriend and fall in love with you so you can have eternal life together. So please join us in going back to college and pledging Alpha Delta Stupid. This week on Erotic Thriller Club,
00:01:37
Speaker
embrace of the vampire.
Marketing and Alyssa Milano's Role
00:01:39
Speaker
hey everybody welcome to this week's meeting of the erotic thriller club as always garrett calendar and kit ryan here and this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions was i aroused was i thrilled and i ruin my life for this person Kit, before we hop into the episode, I did happen to watch the theatrical trailer for this movie. And I think a it says a lot about the movie and the way they marketed this movie. So I would like us to go ahead and play that. For the listener, ah there are some title cards within the trailer. It's mostly narration, but I'll read those title cards out loud so you can get the experience with us.
00:02:25
Speaker
I'm very excited to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's.
00:02:53
Speaker
In the tradition of home video success, Poison Ivy, Alyssa Milano, in her first revealing role, embraced the suspense.
00:03:15
Speaker
Embrace the passion.
00:03:30
Speaker
Embrace the lust.
00:03:42
Speaker
Embrace of the vampire.
00:04:11
Speaker
From the producer of Timecop.
00:04:18
Speaker
Brace of the vampire. Oh my god. Oh my god. That trailer. Yep, yep, yep.
00:04:34
Speaker
the full marketing of this movie, because also most of the movie doesn't matter. no The majority of this movie is, let's fill 90 minutes, but we're going to show Alyssa Milano's tits. And that was a trailer where it basically just promised, you're gonna see your tits, we swear. We can't put them in the trailer, but we promise there's tits here.
00:04:59
Speaker
Remember how horny you got for Drew Barrymore when we did the same thing with Boys and Ivy? We're doing it again, but there's a vampire. But there's a vampire. This movie. Wowie, wow, wow, wow.
Director's Background and Film's Production
00:05:14
Speaker
Which, just so you know, the director of this movie, Anne Goursod, she was an editor. She edited for Coppola, so she did, she edited The Outsiders, she edited his Dracula,
00:05:28
Speaker
But then she went on to direct, starting with this. And she was like, that Dracula movie was pretty cool, why why ever iano showed donng ah but But then she went on to do this, followed by Poison Ivy II starring Alyssa Milano, because why don't you just bring it back with different ditties? And then also, ah nine and a half weeks too.
00:05:57
Speaker
really interesting huh so she is within our universe this director exists within our universe and i gotta say she's good at what she does them titties looked great They did, but they kind of, okay, so they really bummed me out to be honest.
Exploitation of Child Stars
00:06:21
Speaker
oh garrett It's really sad what child stars had to do.
00:06:32
Speaker
I mean, there are movies in theaters right now, like The Substance is in theaters a lot of nudity, but it also isn't a piece of shit. You can show your tits in a good movie if like, if the main point of the movie is you're gonna show your tits, also show off your acting chops.
00:06:50
Speaker
Like, it make it be a sizzle, be like, I'm gonna make a movie, but I need to see a good script. I will show you my breasts. But then maybe it leads to something else. That being said, fuck me. She did 200 episodes of Charmed or whatever down the road, so.
00:07:05
Speaker
Yeah, this obviously did not harm her career in any way whatsoever. And if she was willing to do it again, ah for poison, i yeah you I mean, clearly it didn't, you know, it wasn't that terrible of an experience, right? Hopefully.
00:07:21
Speaker
Well, this wasn't even her first time showing her tits. This was just her first time on film. After a little research, I found out that after Who's the Boss and she was like, where can I show them? There was some debut magazine called like Bikini World or something. It's like, we'll gladly show them in the debut issue of Bikini World. I, I, please will someone look at my goddamn tits.
00:07:47
Speaker
Yes, so let's go. You will. I did see somebody ask Tony Danza, did you see the movie? And I guess he just smirked and never answered. That's probably for the best. But I was talking to my wife about this. And she said, well, yeah, in the 90s, you could do that. And now you have to do whatever it is that JoJo C was doing now.
00:08:17
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Like Christina Aguilera had her dirty face, but I feel like the ladies in the 90s really had it worse, where like, you had to do straight to video trash. Here's my tit. It was just trash. I'm an adult. This movie was a hit, Kit.
00:08:37
Speaker
Miley Cyrus went through a a ah a pretty rough transition into adulthood from child star as well. So like it can still be bad. It's true. But at least I would say the art that was coming out of Miley was better.
00:08:59
Speaker
Though she was like kind of hanging out with some predators there. She did like a nude photo shoot with a ah photographer that was very predatory. And like, this is all alleged out of me at this point. But ah I thought the relationship she had with Wayne Coyne from the flaming lips after she turned 18 seemed weird. Suspect at the very least, yeah.
00:09:22
Speaker
because he's old I kind of liked their weird album they put out together. That was fun. But yeah, this movie cost half a million dollars to make and on home video grossed $15 million.
90s Erotic Thriller Trends
00:09:33
Speaker
dollars So I hope because her tits were the selling point of this movie that she got a lot of backend. God, I hope so. I mean, I really do hope so because a good Lord is she doing impressive work in terms of making everybody feel good in their pants.
00:09:58
Speaker
this
00:10:01
Speaker
Maybe it's just what I've got going on in my life personally right now, but was the most aroused I've ever been watching any of the movies. No, no, no. I was the same way, my man. I was the same way. I hate admitting that because of something that'll come up here in ah in a couple of scenes.
00:10:22
Speaker
But i don't this movie I saw on the video shelf forever. Like this was such a big movie when it came out as far as like I watched Who's the Boss growing up. I had a crush on her on Who's the Boss. And there was something about it. I never saw it. So it was only like a vaguely aware of things. So I did not have that association with Elisa Milano. I only associate her with Charmed.
00:10:47
Speaker
Which is fair, and she, you know, she had like 200 episodes of Who's the Boss, 200 episodes of Charmed, great career, some weirdness in between the two. but we're here to talk about that weirdness, Kit. And this movie, as dumb and shitty and stupid as it is, is a 90s treasure box. Absolutely. It is just a treasure chest of 90s schlock. Like this movie brought me so much joy, Kit, just from the opening credits. Oh my God. When it surprised us with the real title of the movie that none of us knew.
00:11:27
Speaker
Would you like to expound on that? The title of this movie forever on the posters, on the box, all you know, the trailer, Embrace of the Vampire. The title of this movie when we hit opening credits, The Nosferatu Diaries, Embrace of the Vampire.
00:11:47
Speaker
col You know, I love a colon. You know, we love a colon colon embrace of the vampire, which does imply that this is either like um it it implies that this is the first of a series, right? That they're going to do more Nosferatu diaries.
00:12:04
Speaker
I think that in the early to mid 90s, diary stuff was just kind of sexy. There was the red shoe diary. Like, I don't know what it is about a show or a movie opening with somebody writing about all the boners they've had. That like, everybody's like, this is going to be hot.
00:12:21
Speaker
I mean, I was reading a lot of the ah it was like the Babysitters Club books, but they were like the teen versions where it's written in like diaries from their perspective. I was reading a lot of time. Yeah, exactly like that. And come to think of it, the you know, Coppola's Dracula also has a diary format for Keanu Reeves to give his cute little voiceovers. So, you know, diaries, I guess you're right there in.
00:12:50
Speaker
The diary format for this, though, made for my favorite opening of any movie we've watched so far. I mean, it's starting with such a sexy font, too. Like, even even all the actors' names coming up was trying so hard to get you in the mood. Do we know what time period this movie started in? No! Because they just said, and he's centuries old. It's been centuries.
00:13:18
Speaker
I wrote it down as ye olde times. It's for sure ye olde. It's the ye olde times where you have hazy lighting and flowers and horsies and um ah ah yeah,
00:13:31
Speaker
olde times. Horsets. So our leading man is Martin Kemp. Yeah. What do you think of him? ah The first thing I wrote about is who is this man? I am not impressed with or without the open shirt.
00:13:47
Speaker
That don't impress at me much, those kids. It don't impress of me much. Honestly, I just don't think he has the bod to pull off all of the ah open shirts. the the I'm just gonna wear a vest. I just don't think he has he has the goods to put on display. i kind of I'm curious how he ended up in this because I ah agree with you that the fact that we're being thrown into this, and I'm supposed to just immediately be on board with it, he's super hot. Yeah, he's like laying there stretched out, you know, one hand propping up his head. It was for you. yeah Yeah, come hither sort of stare. And I'm just like, No, thanks. I'm gonna keep riding my horse ah further down to see if I find anyone better.
00:14:38
Speaker
To me, he's handsome enough that if he were like on Mad Men, that Don Draper is going to give this guy absolute hell for about four seasons, and then maybe towards the end of the run of the show, he can finally pitch a soup commercial on his own. But hes but he is going to be catching hell from more handsome men for several seasons in the lead up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
00:15:07
Speaker
I agree and hundred percent. You know who this guy is, though, right? Like. You mean from another movie? No, I mean from his pre movie life. No. OK, so he was the bass player for the band. I guess it's called Spandau Ballet, along with his brother, who was the guitarist and vocalist. You do know one of their songs. It is played at every wedding. Ah, ah, ah.
00:15:36
Speaker
Get the fuck out. I know this much is true. Yes. Kit, you aren't going to believe me. What? But later in my notes, because he just keeps appearing out of places and usually wearing a leather vest. And I wrote in my notes, he looks like the basest of the shittiest 80s band you've ever heard. I'm not.
00:16:07
Speaker
yeah
00:16:12
Speaker
I am absolutely blown away by this revelation ah fuck and like I can send you a photo of my notes to that is verbatim what I wrote when he appeared out of that closet in that leather vest my god So, so he was like, so if I knew that going in and knew that he played an instrument
Martin Kemp's Background
00:16:43
Speaker
and that he had a hit song ah hu that was in Adam Sandler's The Wedding Singer, ahha then maybe he's a little more fuckable.
00:16:52
Speaker
yeah Here's the thing, though. It's not like he's a lead singer. He's the bassist. Like, come on now. I always, i know I'm gonna lose some bassists in this this ah this podcast, unfortunately. I'm sorry, guys. I bust balls, but I had a roommate who was a bassist and I would always bust his balls about being a bassist. And I remember saying like, if one instrument could be taken away from Blink-182 and it still sound the same, which one would it be? And he he would always get so mad. I loved him. He was it was a goof.
00:17:29
Speaker
There are great bass players throughout history. I'm not sure that like the bass is a ah crucial part even to that song that is the only one anyone knows. But does him playing bass make him more fuckable than being the drummer of that band?
00:17:47
Speaker
Here's the thing about drummers, if we're actually getting into this, like the the joke is that they they hide the the ugliest member of the band in the back and he plays the drums. However, I have always found that drummers have a little bit of that like, you know, the sexy hot scale, right? Like, or not the sexy, the you know, the crazy to hotness pipeline, you know, where if they're a little bit off, they're actually really good at fucking.
00:18:15
Speaker
I find that that can be true for drummers as well. They're they're not always ah completely got it all going on up there. They're little nuts. But number one, good rhythm.
00:18:29
Speaker
number like They don't have it all going on because their inner monologue is just.
00:18:37
Speaker
You know, like drummers ah can be sexy. It just depends on the vibe you want. Obviously, everybody wants the lead guitarist, but like, I don't know. I feel like there's something going on for drummers, too. But so this guy, do we even know if he did the background vocals on the A's? I have no idea. Hmm.
00:19:03
Speaker
Well, God damn it. Let's get into this opening scene that I love so much because we're already like 20 goddamn minutes into this podcast.
Film's Opening and Vampire Analysis
00:19:12
Speaker
Oh man. So the opening scene of this movie, you talked about his come hither look. We see his beautiful girlfriend on a horsey, majestic writing, slow motion. Beautiful. We already know right off the bat we're in trouble. This guy's in trouble. Horse girl.
00:19:31
Speaker
It turned out she wasn't the problem though, but like she kind of was because she got in his head for centuries. She got in his head for centuries. um They didn't fuck, she's a virgin. he's big this This vampire's big into virgins. Oh yeah. Yeah, but she disappears into the the woods. He's just having a nap in like a real magical land.
00:19:52
Speaker
understand exactly how it is that he just falls asleep in the middle of the woods when he didn't even have sex like what is your excuse for just like i guess i'll fall asleep in this field of flowers that's also a bridge um I'm guessing there was a nice breeze. This movie does take place like they filmed it in Minnesota. So I assume that's maybe where I'm supposed to be. He was next to a creek. There was the nice tinkling of the creek. I bet that was soothing. It was probably warm. He was in the shade. You know, I'm saying like he was also just sitting there thinking about his love. And then wakes up the middle of the night and there's ah three porn stars crawling all over him.
00:20:41
Speaker
which is not the worst way to wake up. Yeah, he just kind of wakes up and is suddenly on a foursome with three strangers. yeah My favorite part of this scene, there were, I have a few thoughts about this scene. Cause you're right. Like my first thought, and I did look them up, a couple of them were like playboy models, which very fucking clear because I'm centuries in the past, I'm centuries in the past game. And I have now come upon six fake tits in the woods.
00:21:11
Speaker
Not to mention their acrylic nails. What year did breast implants become a thing? um i I'm guessing it wasn't like 1600. Yeah, it shows what you know. It was 1434 when they would first put little bags of sand into, you just cut right in there and you you just just put a little extra meat in there.
00:21:35
Speaker
I don't know if you're fucking with me because you know a lot of facts. No, I'm fucking on with you. If you're on that one. No, I have no idea. It does seem like the kind of thing I would know, though. It really does. But they come and they put this magic glowing onk on him and start like not really fucking him, but just dry humping him. And he doesn't try and fight it. Oh, God, no.
00:21:59
Speaker
I feel like even his love would be like, what happened? If she saw a video, she'd be like, this isn't on you, but you did wake up confused, but like, I don't know. I i don't know how angry my, like, you're kind of being assaulted, but like. He's kind of being, well, here's the thing though, is like, ah we also know like once they've put the onk on, and we know the onk has some sort of suggestive properties, so it's possible he's like hypnotized, or you know, something like that.
00:22:28
Speaker
um Well, though, he could be still be forgiven if if he was fully in control of his senses. He never took his pants off. He didn't do anything. You know, they shouldn't. Yeah. And I was trying to put myself in this situation to decide because like we're kind of back to the ah dance with that strip. Did we watch strip to kill or dance with that? We watch dance with that dance with that.
00:22:56
Speaker
They were all like very dance with death 90s boobs. They all looked the exact same. And that was kind of cool. Big and round and lovely. But if I put myself in his situation and I'm in like the 1600s or whenever in maybe Minnesota, I don't know. um Those ladies would have smelled like shit.
00:23:21
Speaker
i couldt They were so glistening Kit and they would have smelled so bad. You don't know that, just because they've been walking through the woods naked. Looked hot!
00:23:34
Speaker
Garrett, everyone smelled like shit back then. He had no frame of reference. But me transported from now to then. Oh, if it's just Garrett transported back in time. Yeah, it might be a little distracting for you.
00:23:48
Speaker
They were the locker room talk. They were so hot, guys. There were six fake boobs. It was fourteen hundred. They smelled terrible. They smelled like. They had been walking barefoot. They were like, I mean, maybe actual shit on them. I don't. I can just picture you staring at them, though, and being like.
00:24:12
Speaker
How do you have fake tits? I mean, like, what year is this? I don't understand. So this sets up though, they bite the shit out of him. Yeah, they're more eating him than they are sucking his blood. They look like they're chowing down.
00:24:29
Speaker
Yeah, he gets a lot, a lot, a lot of bites and it cuts back him into him in this room in modern day. And he is writing this where it's just funny that this many centuries later, he's like, I should probably pin that down. Like, cause I'm gonna, in case I forget, my memory could slip over these years. Or I might die in three days and people are gonna wanna know about this really sexy thing that happened to me after I'm dead.
00:24:58
Speaker
Okay, so this is what I'm gonna ask you to see if you understood the plot of this movie. Not really, I understood the plot, but I didn't understand the why.
00:25:09
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Yeah. There was a big problem with the why. There is. I worry that my brain has filled in too many gaps and done the work for the writers of like yeah making it make sense after the fact, um because I don't think they really explain it within the text.
00:25:30
Speaker
So do you want to hit the listeners with kind of what the story is now that we're in modern times? As I understand it, ah he has been pining for this girl, horse girl, throughout the centuries. For whatever reason, he didn't just like still go be with her. i did Did they make that clear why he didn't just like, ah yeah, he's a vampire, but you can still like go get your girl.
00:25:55
Speaker
The most explanation, like that doesn't get explained. And then he's like, and now I found out she's been reincarnated in a small college. It's like we don't know why she's at a small college now and it's a little more really like just blazed through this. They're like, let's get through the exposition. We got titties to get in here. ah So, yeah, he he loved her so much throughout the centuries um and he never got to have sex with her. So he needs to ah have her join him in eternity within three days or he will die.
00:26:36
Speaker
I don't know why or how something about like holding on to to the to the love ah has made it. It's not clear. Listen, he has three days to to fuck this bitch and turn her into a vampire or he's going to die. He's literally going to die without sex.
00:26:55
Speaker
My theory, because I just started thinking a lot about mental health, because this guy's insane. ah the The amount of time he's been alive has definitely started to drive him mad. We don't even know that the actual soul of this woman is Annalisa Milano. He just has it in his fucking head. He found the only college virgin and he who who is really hot, and he's like, that's the one, that's my love.
00:27:23
Speaker
And Kit, I will say this. Suicide is never the answer. So true. Unless. Unless. You are a thousand years old, Hudo. You can't die. Or like, you can't just die naturally. I think he gave himself a three day timer. Where he's like, if I can't close the deal by her birthday, I'm going to just kill myself and put myself out of my misery. ah Which solves a lot of problems for everybody.
00:27:55
Speaker
I know, he was saying that he's getting weaker as the three days pass. And then- He's so backed up with cum. He has a thousand years of cum. This is a whole movie of wet dreams, Kit. Garrett, are you telling me- It is 90 minutes of people having wet dreams. Stop. You think this man did not have sex in that thousand years? I think he did some kissing and some heavy petting, but I think that he's saving his release for a virgin.
00:28:22
Speaker
No. No. He fucked other people. It's just none of them meant anything to him. Who would want to fuck him? Well, I don't know, but he hypnotizes people, so presumably he can get him that way.
00:28:40
Speaker
This movie made me realize that vampires just have really good PR. Vampires are just, I'm supposed to believe they're inherently sexy. yeah yeah yeah And this guy's desperate and weird and pale, and every time he touches Alyssa Milano, it makes this sound.
00:29:01
Speaker
Honestly, Alyssa Milano has ah two two men, both vying for her virginity. It's very important for both of them. And both of them are basically begging her for sex.
Character Dynamics and Themes
00:29:14
Speaker
And it is pathetic. Both of them are equally ah that is for sure for sure this lady just like and she makes it clear like she tells her boyfriend I'm not saving myself for marriage I'm just don't want to have sex with you right now
00:29:34
Speaker
She's like, I'm waiting, you know, to make sure it's the right person. And I'm not the right person. Not if you keep whining. Like the opening, though, after we get through him in the diary, like he keeps giving Alyssa the vampire keeps seducing Alyssa Milano into wet dreams, which I guess are real. But She don't worry about that too much. Don't worry about it. Yeah, it's all pretend maybe. But she passes out in like a nighty thing upside down and backwards on some stairs. Yeah, like the most ah sexy position you could fall down the stairs in is what they have kicked carefully arranged her in. So she's she's like walking through the night to go to go to him. She's being called right hypnotically to his presence.
00:30:22
Speaker
And she goes up into this tower, and every time she reaches the top of a set of stairs or a ladder, ah her skirt blows in just the right way to give you the upskirt. And I just started cackling. I could not stop thinking about some guy whose job it was, was to hold like a leaf blower. And every time Alyssa Milano got to the top of the stairs, he had to... that
00:30:51
Speaker
I knew an old special effects man who like did special, like any kind of special effects for so many movies between like the sixties up until, I mean, probably he's still going. I would imagine if he's, he's still with us. I haven't seen him in a long time, but he would, like the special effects would range between doing shit for fast and furious. And he was just like, name and name a director. I've probably done something for him. And I said, John Hughes. And he said breakfast club.
00:31:18
Speaker
And, uh, special effects were in breakfast club. He's like, do you remember a scene where like papers are like falling from the ceiling? He's like, I threw them.
00:31:29
Speaker
they This seems like totally a thing he would have had to do is blow a leaf blower to Lissa Milano to make sure you get just the right hint of panty and ass as she is ah making her way up to her vampire. it Laugh as much as you want. It was hot.
00:31:48
Speaker
It was, I'm not denying it. I just, it's, I couldn't stop thinking about the guy just off screen. Them having to cut the verm, verm sound. Yeah, exactly. Honestly, when you think about it, her walking up those stairs so confidently and sexy and she was able to act past the sound of the leaf blower. Which just goes to show what a professional she is.
00:32:15
Speaker
Charmed is in her future, charmed, syndication money. Yeah, you definitely get, I wrote down that this guy is giving real, what do you mean we couldn't get Nick Cage vibes? Yes, Kit, yes.
00:32:33
Speaker
I wrote that too. It do really absolutely looks like 90s Nick Cage in these scenes with the leather jacket, like maybe even specifically Nick Cage and like face off or something. He might be dressed the exact same. Yeah, it's definitely a look we've seen Nick Cage wear with the slicked back hair, the ah dark colored vest, the red shirt underneath. Like we've definitely seen this look.
00:32:59
Speaker
Somebody was like, what if vampire's kiss ah had more boobies? Yeah, it it it really is just like every 10 minutes you have to have seen Alyssa Milano's boobs after we see them the first time 10 minutes in. and And it's mostly just this vampire being like, and now you will dream and somebody will tear your shirt open to reveal They kept their end of the bargain on that trailer. Honestly, it's true. They did not. It was not a bait and switch. It was not like, sorry, you get like, you know, a brief shot of boobies and then never again. No, no, no, they they deliver the goods. ah But yeah, somebody somebody in a meeting is like, yeah, but is somebody going to suck and lick on them like throughout the whole movie? Don't don't worry about it. we'll get you What about biting somebody going to bite one? Yes, somebody gets to bite one.
00:33:52
Speaker
so So yeah, he's he's like, oh, i I could turn her right now into a vampire and take her virginity. um But I don't want her to be in love with her boyfriend when I do.
00:34:09
Speaker
Um, cause then she would love him for eternity. Kind of like he loved horse girl for eternity. And so he's like, I'm gonna give, I'm gonna give it as much time as I have. And then you hear his voiceover just say three days.
00:34:26
Speaker
This movie is a real portrait of what it's like to be a lady in the world. You just always have men that you don't want fighting over you. Yeah, all they really want is your virginity, I guess. um So yeah, he gives himself three days to break them up. So there you go. How to lose a guy in 10 days. What's the line that he says multiple times and it was in the trailer something about like, I have three days before I fill your fill my mouth with a Your life juice, your life juice or whatever. But yeah, so she after being hypnotized, ah her her nothing burger of a boyfriend, Chris ah gets like a bad feeling and rushes over and sees her like splayed out artfully on the dorm steps and carries her in. And then we start to learn who actually is this girl, because before all we know is she may or may not be a reincarnated virgin.
00:35:26
Speaker
Were you concerned how not concerned he was that his girlfriend was passed out upside down on some steps in the middle of the night outdoors? And he just like carried her into bed. Like I would, one, wake her up. Maybe even go ahead and take her to the hospital.
00:35:44
Speaker
Yeah, I was definitely like, why aren't you calling an ambulance, especially since he seemed like he was trying to wake her up and she was kind of like still out of it. I'd be like, oh shit. Small town, no ambulance. Oh, well then get in your car. I just like that it's just thousand year old vampire at the local community college.
00:36:06
Speaker
um He's just like, I like that they specify like she's at a small college. It's so stupid. kid It's so fucking stupid. It's really dumb. ah So we find out the next morning that ah she's a ah a very good girl who was raised in a convent because her dad was promiscuous and didn't stick around with her mom and her mom.
00:36:35
Speaker
for whatever reason, gave her to some nuns to raise and saw her, like, every other weekend or something. A line that I under- I was like, Chris, I'm with you. Every girl I've ever been with, I've always said, I wish you would get be as promiscuous as your dad.
00:36:57
Speaker
it's Yeah, so we don't know what happened to him, but it's like, what did- she's like, his promiscuity killed him. Does he have AIDS? Did he die in a tragic roadhead accident like trying to recreate the Jeep scene from ah ah The what shit was the last one we just saw Venge from revenge She was trying to recreate the Jeep scene and ended up ah dead in a ah very twisty mountain pass I'm doing what he loved Yeah but him Uh, but yeah, so we get to watch even as she's like getting dressed. We get to see a little bit of side boob and that is then fully then full. And while boyfriends not allowed to look and he's a loser and and he spends this entire time begging and wheedling her for sex. And we find out that in three days it is also her 18th. I hate it.
00:37:58
Speaker
birthday. Hey Garrett, you know who else was a 17 year old their freshman year of college and a virgin? Get the fuck out. Absolutely. That was me to Catholic school too. I did. I mean, I didn't get raised in a convent, but I did go to Catholic school from second to eighth grade. I went to public high school, so I was aware what sex was. I just wasn't having it. Did you have some real fucking losers pining for you freshman year that you're like, I don't like my options? Yes, actually. Yes, I do.
00:38:38
Speaker
Oh, yeah but like I had a similar mindset to her of like, well, I'm going to I'm going to wait until I know that I've been with a guy that like like long enough. Right. That I that I I want that I know that I really want to do it. And um that didn't happen. Obviously, my my first year in college because um therere There were losers. they were they were like they were Some of them were lovely people, but nobody there their first like semester at college is looking for like a relationship. You are meeting so many people at once. No one is going to be like, and he lets you and me date for a year, starting now.
00:39:27
Speaker
That was me. I don't think my, my brain didn't have it in me for like one night stands. It's actually funny looking back on my college experience, how many like times it was like, no, thank you. I'm going to go hang out with my friends that I'm like, what are you doing? You fucking idiot.
00:39:48
Speaker
No. And here's the thing. It was like, I didn't get a ton of attention from guys, um, until I was about 18 because i I looked younger than everyone else, I was younger than everyone else, so I didn't like attract that kind of attention all that much. um And so ah when I started to realize like, hey, I can attract, I can attract men,
00:40:19
Speaker
I didn't even realize at the time that I could could even be interested in attracting women. That thought hadn't popped into my head. If I had seen this movie, like my freshman year of college, Garrett, I might not even be a little bit straight. I might have gone full blown, like absolutely men are disgusting pigs and women are real real pretty.
00:40:47
Speaker
You didn't say anything not true. Yeah, everybody wants her her precious, precious virginity as soon as she turns 18. It's real cute.
00:40:59
Speaker
I hated how much they're like, it's not even that she's barely legal. They give us barely illegal. And they're like, and you're going to look at her naked the whole movie. I don't like, like, I know she's in her twenties when we filmed this, but it's, it's really, really icky to me that like, we immediately were like, you're looking at her and you're like, yeah and then they're like, and she's underage. And you're like, what? Fuck you.
00:41:26
Speaker
Right, but like as when I was 17 and a freshman in college, I was deeply hurt and offended by the idea that like people might not be attracted to me. Like I wanted people to want to look at my breasts.
00:41:41
Speaker
No, I understand that. I'm just saying the way this movie was made is like a 37 year old man, like supposed to be ogling a 17 year old is gross. Yeah. Especially when that man is actually like 2000 years old. Yeah. And what's funny is that's the least of his problems. Like his personality sucks. He's not that hot.
00:42:07
Speaker
He's the basest of a one-hit wonder. Like, he really is. He doesn't seem to be good at anything. like Like, I went to a party and the guy from mark from Marcy Playground wouldn't stop trying to go down on me.
00:42:26
Speaker
Honestly, it's just like he he's not good at this. He doesn't look I don't know why they didn't get a more attractive actor I was just I kept thinking like why isn't this like get angel from Buffy in here, right? Like get a sexier vampire get get one of them hottie true blood guys in here and this would be sizzling all of it would be incredible but these such a I know oh my god if I had to the two guys from true blood fighting over me uh totally hot these two scars guard would have been a baby when this came out
00:43:09
Speaker
Get an equivalent Skarsgard. There's a million of them. Get a Bring a Skarsgard in here right now and have him wear a vest.
00:43:21
Speaker
ah So, I mean, I don't want to go scene to scene in this movie because most of the scenes don't matter. and No, it's just a whole series of like and you're dreaming about fucking me and you're dreaming about fucking me. ah Did you have a favorite dreaming about fucking her scene?
00:43:42
Speaker
I guess obviously I fucking did care to mention it when we get there. the But yeah, um, so yes you did the shutter. You did this. I can't help it. Um, but yeah, so she's dorm mates with a couple of girls who are relevant. There's the girl. Mary Jane from half baked. Who is the craft?
00:44:10
Speaker
Oh, the girl from the craft. Yeah, that's what I knew her from. Who gets done dirty by this movie? Let's be honest, like she didn't deserve her fate and no one ever acknowledges it. She had the weirdest death that I'm guessing in a writer's room, somebody's like, this is going to look fucking sick. And on camera, it was dumb as shit. This is the dumbest kill we've seen in any movie. It looks so fucking stupid.
00:44:37
Speaker
Yeah. ah But she's introduced like telling these like this hilarious story about their mutual friend Erica who has an accidental answering machine sex tape. Love that for her. ah And we get a nice little rundown of second wave of feminism right here where ah the girl who had the accidental answering machine recorded message sex tape calls another girl a slut.
00:45:07
Speaker
Yeah. And then Alyssa Milano is like, that's not nice. Why would you do that? And she's like, oh, so the Virgin is defending the slut. And it's like, yes, that's calling second wave feminism that women should do with their bodies as they please. And that they're allowed to either like sex or not want to have sex. We'll get into more stuff in third wave feminism. But for now, we're really focused on the sex part.
Film's Plot Critique
00:45:38
Speaker
So I think everybody we mentioned almost dies. And I want to go through like a couple of the kills because nothing they do in this movie matters. yeah like Like literally nothing matters in this movie. But the death that we talked about Mary Jane from Half Baked, I don't remember her character's name in the craft, but she ends up in, I guess they're in like a some sort of sports building. It also seems like an empty warehouse, but maybe we're like, it was one of those teams practice and hits. I don't i was gonna say it was one of those empty warehouses you fill with nets. Obviously, a net warehouse.
00:46:15
Speaker
And I want to point out that this this girl has has done very bad friend etiquette leading up to this. She goes and grabs her friend from the college party that they're hanging out at that has really nice chairs for some reason. And she's like, girl, I need you to be my wingman. And she's like, all right. And so she takes her to a fucking warehouse, pawns her off onto some guy she's never met before. And it's like, you don't have to do anything you don't want to buy.
00:46:41
Speaker
I'm gonna go make out over here. And it's like, you just took your friend away from the party to a- To get raped in a warehouse. To get raped in a warehouse. That is bad friend etiquette. The best thing this vampire does, because for real, the guy she pawns him off on immediately tries to rape her. It does not even try to like- I don't even know if they're out of earshot yet.
00:47:09
Speaker
He's like, hey, you want to you want to fuck? And she's like, not really. And he's like, OK, I'm going to do it anyway. Luckily, this is maybe the nicest thing the vampire does. The whole movie is just quickly break his neck. I was hoping for the movie doesn't even really have good kills. Like, no, the movie like the truly the focus of this movie is Alyssa Milano's breast. This movie is kind of thrill-less. Like, there's never a moment where you're scared or you're worried for anybody. You don't care about anything. um But then when she goes to kill Mary Jane, he's on one side of the net, she's on the other, and he essentially bites her as they're on opposite sides of a soccer net. Yes. And he's like, oh, I can't get free because I'm tangled in the net. And I'm like, you obviously can get free of that. What the fuck are you talking about? You are not trapped here.
00:48:04
Speaker
and honestly have a good chance of getting away because he's stuck in a net. He's stuck in on the other side of a net. You will never have a better chance of getting away from him because he also doesn't show himself as having like super speed, super stretch. Like he can jump up into the rafters and he can break your neck, but like not all that special.
00:48:23
Speaker
at the very end of the movie that we do find out he has a power out of nowhere, which is like he like Kamehameha somebody in but Mortal Kombat shoots electricity out of his hands. yeah And where did you had that power the entire time? I didn't need it.
00:48:43
Speaker
Uh, but yeah, oh, I forgot. I actually wrote this down. I should have said, um, the, the guy who's trying to rape Alyssa Milano actually does start off with like, uh, how you doing after swinging on a rope swing. Yeah. Yeah. He really thought that was going somewhere for him. Uh, but yeah, so I don't, it wasn't clear if, um,
00:49:07
Speaker
the friend actually dies from the net bite or if she's turned into a vampire because we see her again later in one of the sex stream hallucination things but it's not clear if that's really happening because also Alyssa Milano has just been dosed with X and so as everyone knows when you take ecstasy ah you um you get like you feel really hot and music sounds different and you start hallucinating giant orgies The orgy looked kind of fun. It did. That looked like a good day at the office. Yeah. Just everybody pair up, start kissing.
00:49:46
Speaker
it's really funny because like so this there's a random guy named Milo who shows up a couple times and he's like hitting on Alyssa Milano at this college party and ah he hands her like they make a specific point out of she's like yeah I want a soda and he's like let me go get you a soda and he comes back with an opened drink and hands it to her and I'm like, oh, no, girl, no. And so when Alyssa Milano's in like a trance after that, like being led up to the rooftop to go be with to go see the vampire, I'm like, is this the power of the onc? Is she hypnotized or is this fucking Rohipnall? Like, I don't know what's having this effect here.
00:50:34
Speaker
I have woken up. so Have we ever talked about me getting roofied on this show? Has that been in an episode yet? I don't think so. Hey, we've both been roofied on. What was your experience? I hope not. Or like, no, I was I was thankfully with people that I trusted the entire night. I ah it was stupid. It was actually at a wrap party for a show that John was working on. I won't name it because I don't want to, you know,
00:51:01
Speaker
I'm not exactly sure how it happened, who did it, but like there was a I had someone grab me a drink from the bar. I thought like all these people, I'm not met all of them, but they're all John's coworkers, right? Like nothing to be concerned about. And so somebody handed me a drink. I drank it.
00:51:20
Speaker
Um, and then parts of the night kept disappearing on me. Like I would, um, I remember like we're running to get to a cab to go somewhere else. And I, I, I suddenly was like, I don't know how I'm here. Holy shit. And then like, there's like a lost time and then like, I'm in a bathroom and I'm like, why am I here? And then like, we're in a club and.
00:51:45
Speaker
Like I did not understand how any of this was happening. And thankfully I was with you're with your partner the whole time. so I was with John the whole time. I was with, um, some of his, uh, like his intern who was a really sweet girl and her but girlfriend were both there. Like I was safe the whole time, but it was really scary to like keep losing chunks of time like
Personal Experiences and Film's Sensuality
00:52:08
Speaker
that. And so finally I was like, John, I don't feel good. We have to go home. And,
00:52:13
Speaker
Uh, I had not had that much to drink. I had just had that one drink and then one more. And there was no reason based on the alcohol for me to be losing chunks of time. And no matter how, like I've gotten real wasted and I've never lost chunks of time like that before. So, uh, yeah, uh, be safe out there, people.
00:52:33
Speaker
gar what's your experience I was at a bar in our college town and this was like, at school was that let out. I was there for the summer and we were there for a- We wanted some great summers. We did. Those were fun times.
00:52:51
Speaker
I was at a reunion for the radio station that I i worked at at the time, which ah the radio station WIDB in Carbondale where Bob Odenkirk got his start. That's actually, yeah. He mentions it like first chapter of his book, but we were at the reunion for that. we were at ah My girlfriend and I were at a bar.
00:53:09
Speaker
I had had one drink and started drinking a second drink. And then just like, I could feel the room getting weird where I'm like, I am a large enough man that one and a quarter drinks does not make me feel this way. Yeah. And I remember saying to my girlfriend, something's wrong. I need to go home.
00:53:32
Speaker
And she, and I don't know why, didn't even think to call a cab. ah Walked about a mile or two home. it so She was with me. And I remember her saying, do you want me to come in with you? Cause we were neighbors. And I said, no. And that's the last thing I remember. And I woke up the next morning naked, covered in slices of bread. You did not. I was raped by a baker.
00:54:00
Speaker
it's a i think Back then I would eat what I called an error sandwich or an air sandwich. ah You fucked up and drank too much. So you just eat bread to absorb the alcohol. And I think, yeah error or air. And I think like there was like bread on my ass. Like I- Clearly you tried to to sober yourself up and ah fell asleep in a a loaf.
00:54:31
Speaker
Yeah, fell asleep in a in a just a loaf of bread. I ended up being OK. Don't worry. The next day I took mushrooms with some old guys and swam in a pool and it was like it never happened. Oh, that's lovely. Uh, yeah, be safe out there, people. Always make sure you don't accept drinks that you don't. ah You didn't see somebody poor, right, that like or come from someone you actually trust, not some random coworker.
00:55:01
Speaker
you know It had to have been somebody trying to get my girlfriends drink and got mine. Yeah, sad as that is. Yeah, I'm not handsome enough to like want to drag home. Oh, Garrett, I'd rape you.
00:55:14
Speaker
Oh, Jesus Christ. I think if you did that to me, you trying to drag my body, you are a small human. You trying to drag my body two miles, which maybe you would have been like, he needs to get in the cab because the cab driver's never gonna think that you're the bad guy. Oh, they'll never suspect me. No, Garrett, I wouldn't do that. I would not do that for so many reasons, not least among them. I respect you.
00:55:43
Speaker
Honestly, I think you're canceled. Wow, fuck. It was a joke. Well, all right. So meanwhile, Chris, the shitty boyfriend, is having a weird cuck dream. Hates it. He hates the cuck dreams. The cuck dreams. and Alyssa Milano gets a cuck dream later, too, because the vampire is planting these things to try to like drive them apart and make them doubt each other.
00:56:07
Speaker
And he won't just fucking kill this guy and be like, i'm all that's left, last option, he's noble. Yeah, I don't know why. Well, because maybe she would try to find his reincarnated soul like six centuries from now. Oh, that's a long wait.
00:56:22
Speaker
Yeah, it is a long wait. So, yeah, he he goes and gets coffee at a bar and the vampires also at the bar like sitting across from him like he's going to give him some life advice. Oh, you think you learn everything from books? And I'm like, is the vampire telling him he should drop out of college and start a business in his garage? Like, what are we doing here?
00:56:45
Speaker
He's here for some sort of Ankh pyramid scheme. Oh, yes! Please buy my door-to-door jewelry. and It they glows.
00:56:59
Speaker
And you do a little bit get the vibe. In fact, it's not just the vibe. Like the boyfriend actually says like, I'm not gay because like the vampire is kind of hitting on him. And by the way, we do keep saying the vampire because he has no name in the movie that even the credits lifts him as the vampire. I listed him through my notes as just the Dracula. Yeah.
00:57:23
Speaker
Also, I want to point out that like this guy is like a part-time vampire because he calls it quits at midnight every night. and When you only are active after dark, that gives you four, five, six hours max to work with.
00:57:45
Speaker
and so I don't understand why, no matter what he's doing, like what sexy dream he's giving you, what hypnotism, what ah trying to hit you up in a bar he's doing, it always ends at midnight. And he's like, I'm done. Well, I don't know if you remember this just as far, since we're a sexy podcast. ah Do you remember USA Up All Night? No, I do not. You remember the USA Network? Yes. Like the television station.
00:58:15
Speaker
After midnight, it would become all like ah sexy stuff and like booby movies. But yeah, USA Up All Night 1995. Yeah, that was a big deal. He had to get home and catch it. He only he can only watch it till the sun comes up. So true. Oh, that's really funny.
00:58:37
Speaker
Like this was prime that time. This movie probably, now USA Up All Night usually played more like funny booby movies like where some guys have to work at a ski resort and like you're pulling a lady's top off with a like a fishing line. That's like a movie that would have played on there, not this. ah This is late night Cinemax.
00:58:58
Speaker
hu
00:59:02
Speaker
All right, so then the weirdest digression in the movie happens yet. And I don't think this is the vampire's influence. I think this is just girl, you know, ah closeted, naive girl goes to college experience. Their dorm mate, Sarah. She's a predator. How dare you, Garrett? She is not. She's a photographer. She is ah the one she is the person that the mean girl was calling a slut because she always has a different hot guy or girl coming out of her room and uh they think that she is um yeah slut uh but instead what happens is without a doubt the sexiest scene in any movie we've ever watched
00:59:58
Speaker
And I don't know if you had the same feeling I did, but I was definitely thinking, why the fuck is this movie still going? we're done We did it. She found who she should be with. It's this lady. Yeah.
01:00:15
Speaker
The scene is really like, you're right. It's super hot. It's super hot. We get this lesbian photography scene. However, the lady is a terrible fucking photographer. Most of these shots she's taken, she is two inches from her face. Like if we saw the actual photographs taken in this scene. Why is that what you're paying attention to? What is wrong with you?
01:00:41
Speaker
Kit, I watched this movie fucking twice in 24 hours, the first time I had a boner, the second time I'm paying attention to, oh, those photos are too close. Oh my god. No, so first of all, I don't know how it is that and everybody here has these gigantic dorm rooms. She has a huge, Osawano has a double bed and Sarah has a whole ass photography studio in her dorm room. I'm in college trying to have sex on a twin bed. You can't even like comfortably like have an after cuddle in one of those.
01:01:14
Speaker
Absolutely not so she's just the' the little touches in this scene are so Good she's unbuttoning. Oh, can I just unbutton the one button of your shirt? Okay, why don't you take your overall strap down? Okay, and then she's like gently unbuttoning the shirt and ah the way she softly arranges Alyssa Milano's hair and gently rolls down her stockings. Holy fucking shit, Garrett. This rival's bound. I'm pretty sure the Wachowskis saw this movie, and then saw Jennifer Tilly later in this movie, and they were like, what if she had been in that scene and then made bound? And thank you for doing that.
01:02:11
Speaker
It was, it was very good. And it was, you know, once again, I don't remember if Alyssa Milano ever takes her own shirt off in this movie. It is 95% of the time, people just ripping her tits out of her shirt. But yes, it happens again, because, you know, this, Anne Gorsad found that that is the best way to to reveal them. And she's right.
01:02:36
Speaker
I mean, the only time I think that she takes her own shirt off is when she is literally getting dressed in the morning in the first scene and we see that side boob. There is a scene earlier where she does get her shirt ripped off in one of the wet dreams and she wakes up in bed and her tits are down and she's just like No great scene though the great scene like this scene is so soft-core porn and so like ah Gentle nobody's biting at her this time. No one's like aggressively licking her and No, it just starts going in so gently and then kissing and ah then we cut away. No, we don't cut away. she's She's suddenly like, oh, I'm sorry, I've got to go. Why? Why do you have to go, Elizabeth?
01:03:31
Speaker
Because she's a virgin. She's a virgin. She's like this. Her sex day is going to have to be planned a week in advance. And a spur of the moment. Sex with a lady photographer was not on the bingo card for the day, I guess. So we cut over to Chris, who's got the dumbest roommate of all time. We always clean up before Charlotte comes over. Uh. Duh.
01:04:01
Speaker
What, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, you're whipped. No? I just want my place to not look like a fucking pigsty before my girlfriend comes over, are you weirdo. Um, but she can't come over tonight, even though, you know, this is the night before her birthday that we're already at. So like, he really wants to bang her at midnight when it's officially legal. And, uh,
01:04:29
Speaker
She can't come over tonight. She calls, I wish she had said, I can't come over tonight. I'm gay now, but she's not a good friend. And I will not be explaining further. I like though that the aunt gradually gets her to start dressing sexier, where she's like, I've actually had these knee-high boots the whole time.
01:04:53
Speaker
Not to mention this dark lipstick. Yeah, absolutely. After she's sexy though, and then the mean blonde girl, Rufezer, and everything, the best kill of this movie. the may I'll actually tell you, there's a scene more erotic than the one you just named. And you know goddamn well which one it is. I do, I do, I do.
01:05:18
Speaker
So let's kill this lady, this blonde lady that's harassing Alyssa Milano through a door. She's been harassing her this whole movie and her vampire boyfriend is on the other side of the door, smashes her head against it and the caption, if you had the captions on, were bang squish.
01:05:37
Speaker
Not joking, bang squished. And there's blood all over the door. And my first thought was, There's a whole bunch of drink there for you. Why don't you get that? He does approximately 60 full seconds of this of him just licking the door. And I kept thinking if it were.
01:06:03
Speaker
anyone else but him this could be sexy it just it's so bad with him doing it if it were if it were scars guard right if it were alexander scars through blood licking that fucking door i would have come just from watching it a hundred percent but it is this balding man with no nothing going on for him who just has been like whining this whole time about how he really needs to fuck this virgin i want and i've already seen a way hotter woman do a way better job this is bad this is terrible garret it's not it's it's anti-sexy
01:06:56
Speaker
You don't think that scene got him some dates after this movie came out? This guy seems like he's got skills with the tongue. What do you want from me? Looks like he was he was writing the alphabet on that wall, you know? he's a
01:07:12
Speaker
When you said Skarsgard doing it though, i it kind of sucks that we don't release this as a video podcast because my eyes just went like, like I didn't consider it. And no joke, like I felt just a little bit of blood rush. Like it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Now, don't forget we have the actual sexy scene of the imagined threesome.
01:07:36
Speaker
photographer, doofy boyfriend, and a vampire. It's a foursome, they're all on her, biting, flicking boobs, kissing. i You see a little bit of male cheek, but that's all you're gonna get, guys, sorry. be Vampire with pretty hairy butt. Yeah. I wanna point out, she also fantasizes, you knows ah she's she's got like,
01:08:00
Speaker
ah so she fantasizes that she's got the girl coming up and the guy coming up and they're touching her and kissing her and then you realize that her boyfriend has one earring and it it was so distracting to me this very 90s thing the only clothes he's not not a stitch on except for this one big gold earring I realized later He doesn't have an earring in real life. She fantasized him with the one earring. Well, everyone wants their their boyfriend to be a little bit like Harrison Ford. just in but She just picked the weirdest part of Harrison Ford.
01:08:52
Speaker
oh So, ah point is that, you know, she imagines these two kissing her. It's so hot. She's on this giant bed. She's wrapped in a thin gold chain that she's pulling on. It's extremely sexy. And yeah then the Dracula pops up between her legs and I literally laughed out loud. Right!
01:09:22
Speaker
Oh, it absolutely ruined the moment. It was fucking hilarious. I loved it. ah It was perfect. Honest to God, all that really happens between this and the end of this movie is the vampire finally takes her to a room and the boyfriend has to run up the longest series of attic ladders. Well, hold on. You can't forget Jennifer Tilly.
01:09:53
Speaker
You can, though, because it doesn't matter. Like, it doesn't come back. It doesn't matter. They put her really prominently in the trailer we just watched, but it is a very small role. She comes up to ah the boyfriend at a bar and in her extraordinarily sexy voice, ah asks him to dance.
01:10:15
Speaker
And he does, and she takes him out of the bar and starts trying to fuck him on some stairs. And in the worst display of temptation I've ever seen, keeps saying, forget about her. If you doubt her, it won't hurt so much. There is nothing that would convince me less to cheat on my girlfriend. can you In your sexy voice telling me, it's okay, cheat on your girlfriend.
01:10:44
Speaker
This is not good. So all of the lady vampires in this movie have a tattoo on their tit of a knife. And Jennifer Tilly's looked like it was drawn on with a Sharpie quickly by me before they filmed this scene. Like I am a terrible artist. And if they look like they said, Garrett, you have three minutes, make it look good. And you know why they had three minutes? Because this movie was filmed in 13 days. Wow.
01:11:12
Speaker
They got a lot done really quickly. hu yeah that like who why So there are other vampires in this world. They're kind of a lot maybe, but they don't you don't see teeth because they didn't have the fang budget, so but they have the Sharpie budget to draw on titties.
01:11:31
Speaker
Like I don't. Because it reminded me of Inbound, the very sexy scene where they're talking about Jennifer Tilly's tattoos. And I'm like, I wish we were doing that scene instead, because people love to talk about ah Jennifer Tilly's tattoos and then lick them. People love it. but I mean, the end of this movie, they're in an attic. He runs up a whole bunch of stairs, attic ladders to get to her. He comes in, there's a weird you know, fucking pale guy, hissing at him.
Film's Ending and Open Interpretations
01:12:04
Speaker
And he they have like a little scuffle, but basically, Alyssa Milano won't tell him she loves him, so. Nope, she keeps saying, Chris, Chris. And I'm like, shouldn't don't you mean Sarah? Sarah, not photographer?
01:12:22
Speaker
that she's gonna realize later that that was like buried deep down but that down inside i mean there are actually two other cute little mini scenes with the photographer before the movie ends there's um they like are in the hallway and uh sarah apologizes she's like i'm umm sorry about earlier And Alyssa Milano says, oh, it's OK. Let me see the photos when they're done. And they share this cute little smile. It's very flirtatious. I loved it. And then when she's going through her, I'm a bad girl. The aunt has made me dress in a red dress with knee high boots. Obviously, she starts. She takes Sarah into her room and starts feeling her up.
01:13:10
Speaker
And actually puts her fingers in Sarah's, you know, like over the clothes. ah who Do we call that heavy petting? And it's extraordinarily hot, but then blushing like you're getting flustered. yeah I'm getting a little flustered.
01:13:29
Speaker
But then she bites her, and I guess she wasn't into that, because Sarah walks out pretty quickly, that she was not into that. Yeah, you know, Alyssa Milano's a virgin. She doesn't know how to do this yet. And for the last hour, all we've seen is people biting at her tits. So, like, she doesn't know what to do. She thinks that, like, heavy petting is you bite somebody. That's all she knows.
01:13:59
Speaker
Yeah. You're just closing to the movie, though. Vampire disappears. Yeah, he zaps, zaps Chris Chris laying on the ground and then ah the the extreme sexiness of both Chris and the vampire laying on the floor, kind of groaning and and looking miserable as the vampire, I guess, slowly dies of sadness or whatever.
01:14:30
Speaker
but it ends on a laugh where she's like, hey, Chris, it's my birthday. um brown like And then you the vampire just wastes away in his his room next to his diary. In the Nosferatu pose, you know, your two hands opened up, crossed with like your hands on your face. yeah yeah yeah ye I'm never gonna come.
01:15:01
Speaker
Famous last words, I'm never gonna come. So wait, does that imply that Alyssa Milano's first time after all this buildup is actually gonna be in this gross-ass clock tower with a man who was just electrocuted?
01:15:17
Speaker
No, no, no, no. I mean, you can think that because the movie's stupid, but I think the kind of lady she is, as much as she doesn't want to admit it, she's still a little religious, like she's still a little prudish, not really even prudish. She just doesn't want to bang Chris, but she wait probably go back to her bed. You think it's been a long, it's been a long night. She's going to take a shower too. She better. I don't want to smell like a 1400s woods nymph.
01:15:51
Speaker
wash your ass woods nymph wash your ass i just it it is such a letdown of an ending i have to say because you go from getting so ah hyped up on all this sexy shit to her she's laying there with her dress riding up and there's two men who both want to take her virginity and kid in
01:16:21
Speaker
yeah You're on the side doing Nosferatu hands, too. like And they both look pathetic. The movie went out of its way to show them both like, oh, I don't feel so good.
01:16:38
Speaker
Honestly, when you look at those two men, the rapist from earlier starts to look a little more promising. and I mean, you're not wrong. Even Milo, fucking Milo is starting to look like a snack. He was a good guy and he knew some stuff. Yeah, he seemed like he was a pretty decent guy. He knew stuff about Onks. He was like asking her questions about her jewelry, and paying attention to her. He was doing a good job. He could hold a conversation that wasn't about banging Alyssa Milano. Yeah, he he did he didn't in fact know how to say things other than, excuse me, can we fuck now?
01:17:17
Speaker
I've waited so long to have sex with you. Why won't you have sex with me?
01:17:27
Speaker
Sad. No, I know. For everybody. Garrett, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you, and were you in this situation ever where you've been dating a girl for a long time and you're waiting for her to say she's ready to have sex with you?
01:17:47
Speaker
Mm, no. No? I mean, you resist a bucket. I'm Alyssa Milano in a relationship. Like, I'm the one that, like, you gotta, you gotta wine and dine me before you're 69 and me, ma'am. Like, you gotta, no, I guess I didn't find this, I guess I did really. well i'm I'm only half joking. I, um,
01:18:13
Speaker
Yeah, like I was always for sure can only do this if I'm in love. I definitely thought that too. um For sure. I dated a guy that um I for like a year. ah Turns out it's a really good thing. I didn't have sex with him because he was cheating on me ah with his ex. I know. Really cool.
01:18:39
Speaker
And so I'm really glad I didn't lose my virginity to him. That would have sucked. Instead, I sort of realized when I was 19 that I wanted to have sex. I didn't want to actually wait until I was in love. I just wanted it to be a nice time. So I started dating a guy that summer and he wanted to have sex. And so did I. I didn't even tell him I was a virgin. Uh,
01:19:06
Speaker
I was just like, hey, let's let's go slow our first time together. And, you know, he was like, yeah, yeah, sure. And it was lovely. I mean, we'd been dating seeing each other and dating for like two weeks. And I'm really glad I did it that way, to be honest. It took a lot of the pressure off of like, oh, it has to be the first time after we've been dating for two years or whatever, and it needs to be magical. No, it was just a really fun, nice time.
01:19:36
Speaker
I like mine was I would guess nice too. The second time was nicer than the first time. The first time honestly pretty embarrassing came like instantly. Oh good for you. I don't like I mean, I remember it, but like I wonder if I am over exaggerating in my head how short of a time that was, because in my brain it's two seconds. and And then like, oh, intense shame washing over me. And then it's like, well, we can try again. And then it just immediately happening again. ah The second time was nicer. The first time was like, I really needed to get out of the way. The the excitement.
01:20:24
Speaker
You know what, that makes a lot of sense. so I'm assuming you were with someone who was understanding about that particular thing. Yeah, they were very kind and understanding. like it I wasn't like mocked afterwards, though I should have been. Were you both virgins? i I don't believe they were.
01:20:50
Speaker
ah okay I believe she was. um But my I remember when it happened again, there was a look on my face and she's like, what's wrong? And I i don't remember why it came out this way, but just in Spanish, dos veces.
01:21:10
Speaker
that derick yeah I will share with you one of my triumphs though like one of the the best I've days ah I've ever felt about myself is so I had just been ah fucking this guy ah during the end credits of like I think we were we were watching No Country for Old Men and uh, you know, we were just laying out there naked and I got a call from my ex boyfriend while I'm literally lying and naked in bed with the guy that I'm fucking instead and that felt good.
01:21:48
Speaker
And he was like, can you come over? I need to talk with you, please. And I was like, I'm fine. So I put my clothes on and went over and he's over there crying and like asking me to take him back. And I was like, no. And I'm kind of seeing someone else now.
01:22:07
Speaker
And when he realized I had lost my virginity to someone else, I feel like I could watch his heart crack in half. He started to shrivel up like this vampire and the hands go into the Nosferatu pose on the face and he's just like, I wanted to come.
01:22:30
Speaker
well you shouldn't have cheated on me then dipshit ah so yeah I felt really yeah satisfied with my life choices in that moment it felt really good for him to just be like oh but I miss you when I'm so sad and I'm like yeah I don't I don't actually care like never call me again I do like that the movie that was playing was no country. Like at least there's like some nice scores. It's a little quiet. The movie in the background for me was 28 days later. So it was just like me like, oh.
01:23:10
Speaker
oh that's really funny no it was uh it meant we were having a deep conversation about his relationship with his father while we were laying there naked afterwards i like that you get a deep conversation and i'm just on my back and it's just like it's okay it's you it's fine
01:23:36
Speaker
No, that wasn't the first time. That was the second time we had sex was with no country. The first time it was was with Pee Wee's big adventure. It was. It was absolutely. How did you know? Were you watching? Also a great score.
01:23:54
Speaker
Okay. I think it's time. This is a dumb question. Were you aroused? Yeah, I was watching this alone late, and I was just... I'll say, most of these movies, I know I've said this before, when I watch them and like we say, like yes, it was I was aroused, it's mostly a goof. like you know These movies are like mostly pretty tame. This one just did it for me, man. I don't know. I was just sitting on the couch and I was like, this is a...
01:24:28
Speaker
this is This is doing it just sitting alone watching smut with an erection. Here we are And like it's such a shitty movie. It's not good y'all It's not a good movie as I mean like we barely talked about the plot cuz there really isn't one It's just like you got three days to get her to fuck ya. All right We have 13 days to film 90 minutes of movie and figure out how to make it coherent, but also show boobs. Uh, five. Yeah, you five. I mean, I was, as you just pointed out, blushing, just describing one of the scenes afterwards. A hundred percent. Five. Wish I could give it higher. Six, 20. It.
01:25:14
Speaker
pushed all the right buttons, except for if you are if you are into men, this is not going to probably do it for you as much because the men are lacking. I would say it's lacking in the amount that you see. There's almost nothing you get a little bit of ass from both of the male leads. um That's about it. There's not really much there. And as I said, if it had been a hotter guy licking that door,
01:25:43
Speaker
I would have dreamt about it afterwards, but no, it's not. Do you think there was a poll quote on the DVD or something that's just like, she's the boss? Oh God, no. I also bet if we Google and look up the cover of Bikini World or whatever the fuck, it probably also says that. Probably. All right. Were you thrilled?
01:26:13
Speaker
No, no, this movie was probably bottom of the thrills that we've seen of any movie, like even though there's a handful of murders. Yeah, there are murders but they're so incidental you never are worried that she's in any danger even though he occasionally says threatening things like you will come to me or I will just make you mine but he's not going to you know it from the beginning that if she says no I love Chris that boring boy that he's gonna be like okay I guess I'll go die then and that's exactly what happens
01:26:50
Speaker
Yeah, the most brutal kill, I guess, is it just him banging that girl's head off the door until she squishes. Yeah, that's pretty gnarly. Thrills, I mean, somewhere between zero and one. I mean, if you count the thrill in my pants, it was a five. If you don't count that, I'm giving it a one.
01:27:13
Speaker
I think if we're looking at something, like him licking the door didn't get me to go like, oh! And then like, it just keeps going. It just goes, 60 seconds is so long. Remember when we tried to one Mississippi? Yeah. Or was that, yeah, that was, or wait, no, that was, was that on this podcast yet? I don't know. I think we like tried to count one Miss, oh, it was how long the mom was in the doorway in Erebella. Oh, right.
01:27:41
Speaker
You get to 60 Mississippi, you're like, this guy is still licking, he cleaned his fucking plate. Good for him. His mom would be proud. He gets dessert now. He never gets his dessert, guys. His mom always told him there's starving vampires in Africa, so you better eat everything on your plate, on your door, I mean. All right, and would you ruin your life for Alyssa Milano?
01:28:13
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I would. You know what? I think I would. You would curl up into your little Nosferatu pose and die for the chance to touch those boobies. Sorry, I'm looking at the cover of this bikini magazine.
01:28:33
Speaker
It does not say she's the boss. So like clearly died for obvious reasons. Uh, no, I, yeah, I would, I would ruin my life for her. I would, um, it just sucks that the majority of what you get from her is like a series of wet dreams, which is what we already get from having seen this movie now. It is weird that this is the sexiest movie that we've ever watched and there is no consummation in any of it.
01:29:02
Speaker
No, you're right. it is The sexiness of this movie is purely just like, you're like, everybody wants to bang Alyssa Milano and you're like, I'm kind of on board. I do too, I think. Yeah, and then none of us get to. i don't We are the vampire. We are the ones shriveling up and dying because we couldn't have Alyssa Milano's virginity. Damn.
01:29:31
Speaker
That's a wild. That's wild. So I'm assuming you're ruining your. You said it already, right? You're already ruining my life.
Discussion on Stalking Documentary
01:29:42
Speaker
I'm a lot of 100 percent. I would not ruin my life for the goddamn vampire or dumbass Chris. Fuck both those guys. And but not literally like to send them out with the trash. Go go have Sarah.
01:30:00
Speaker
Before we get out of here, I know i've think I've mentioned this before when we talked about Alyssa Milano, but there's a documentary called I Think We're Alone Now, and it is about two different mentally ill people stalking the pop singer Tiffany. It's a real documentary. It's like an hour long. It used to be on Netflix, like when Netflix first started. ah Now I think you can just find it on YouTube or something.
01:30:24
Speaker
But this whole movie, it is like a trans woman who's obsessed with Alyssa Milano, and like a pretty autistic guy, or with Tiffany, I should say, and a pretty autistic guy, both stalking her, which is really fun that they filmed all of this. Fun but also upsetting?
01:30:44
Speaker
Oh no, like it played different in college than it does in like 2024. Like in 2024, you're like, this isn't funny like it was to me when I was 20 and didn't know anything about mental illness. yeah um But at the end of it,
01:30:58
Speaker
The autistic guy is basically like, he spends a whole movie stalking her. You hear about him stalking her over the years. He's had restraining orders. He's shown up at the um the airport with a katana and six white chrysanthemums, because that's the highest honor you can give somebody in Japan, but also a crime at an airport. Yeah, yeah, it is. and Yeah.
01:31:21
Speaker
The fun twist to this movie is at the end, he goes, I he's like, you know, I realize I'm never going to be with Tiffany. It's just it's not going to happen. She has a husband. And that's why I'm going to stock Alyssa Milano now. And he pulls out, he's like, here's a cover of this erotic vampire film she was in. And I'm happy I finally got I just love the twist of I know realistically, I'll never be with Tiffany. And that's why I'm coming for you, Alyssa.
01:31:49
Speaker
Oh, that poor thing. ah Anyway, so I would say that um unlike Revenge, I would highly recommend this movie. It is fun. It's not good, but it is sexy. It is good for many, many laughs. I'm sure there's plenty of of sexy things and funny things we didn't even cover. It's a goof. it's It is what it is. Go enjoy it.
01:32:15
Speaker
Yeah, you can watch this with a group of friends, have some drinks, smoke, weed, whatever, laugh, and enjoy. yeah You can watch it alone later by yourself and just have a have a midnight boner on the couch. Enjoy. ah Whichever way you choose to enjoy this delectable little treat, whether you want to, I don't know, suck on its nipples or lick it off a door.
01:32:41
Speaker
ah We all hope to treat our partner like he treated that door.
01:32:48
Speaker
Don't never. Yeah. ah To be that door.
October Episodes and Listener Engagement
01:32:52
Speaker
Well, hey, everybody, you know, we release in this one in October. We're going to have three episodes ah throughout this month. So we're going to do a couple other horror erotic horror themed ones. um I know. I think we're going to do species that's still up in the air on ah on a third one. But hey.
01:33:09
Speaker
Thank you for listening. Erotic Thriller Club at gmail dot.com. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, movies you want us to cover, questions for us that you want us to answer on the air. ah Give us a good would you rather. I don't care. We're here for it. yeah Absolutely. Erotic or at Erotic Thriller Club on Instagram as well. If you want to get us in touch with us there. Other than that. Kit, do you have anything to say?
01:33:35
Speaker
Tell your friends. We love it when people are spreading the word about the podcast um and ah watch your drinks at parties and go like a door. Just try it. See if you like it.
01:33:51
Speaker
We love you. Thank you for listening. Lick a door. Wet your snails. We want to shake you naked and eat you alive.