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Original Sin (2001)
70 Plays1 month ago
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club we dive into 15 year old Garrett's dvd collection. Antonio Banderas and Angelina Jolie teach us that not all period pieces are created equal. Sex, lies and a 100 mph horsey ride!
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Transcript
Introduction to the Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, strap on your melodramatic period piece pants and gather around your radio.
00:00:11
Speaker
It's time for this week's meeting of the erotic thriller club.
00:00:25
Speaker
Mysterious and dangerous and oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the ages. So if you're fatally attracted to the race, you'd stop. I'm riding film club.
00:00:37
Speaker
Basically instinctively craves a selection.
Introduction to 'Original Sin'
00:01:07
Speaker
Welcome to 19th century Cuba, home of the world's most handsome, rich, gullible coffee man. How many times can a hot American catfish the same man? More than you'd think.
00:01:19
Speaker
Welcome to a world of love, sex, deceit, fake mustaches, cheating at cards, and murder. This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, Original Sin.
00:01:32
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here. And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions.
00:01:43
Speaker
Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would i ruin my life for this person?
Garrett's Personal Connection to 'Original Sin'
00:01:49
Speaker
Kit, we selected a movie. We sure did This is not good.
00:01:55
Speaker
And for the reason, this was the week of my birth. And this film and came out on DVD the weekend of my birth in 2002. And I bought a copy of this film.
00:02:11
Speaker
Well, my birthday weekend. I'm sorry, not 1987, but it came out on my birthday week in 2002. I was 15 and this movie set unrated on the cut and had a very sultry pair of lips.
00:02:26
Speaker
So I gave it a go. I kind of learned something about what I thought about film at the age of 15. What did you learn?
00:02:38
Speaker
there There was really only a handful of things I remembered from this movie, and that was gratuitous sex scenes, which in the unrated cut, there's like 10 minutes more of.
00:02:49
Speaker
Wow! Yeah, you're missing out on a lot of explicit banging. Dang it! Yeah, like it actually really sucks that the unrated cut doesn't seem to be available digitally right now.
00:03:04
Speaker
I couldn't find my disc to watch it, but trust me, years of alone in the bedroom without one, I do remember some bits of that. Burned into your brain.
00:03:15
Speaker
But the only other thing I remember, because 15, I'm not really watching period pieces. That's like the pinnacle of boring. Garrett, I know for a fact you hated horsey movies.
00:03:27
Speaker
hundred percent by horsey movies garrett means any movie set in a time period where the mode of travel is primarily horses any movie that falls into that definition garrett hated and that wasn't just at the age of 15 that no that's when i met him That lasted through my 20s. Or at least, like, I would say somewhere mid to late I gave up on that and I'm able to appreciate a period piece.
00:03:57
Speaker
Maybe it was Downton Abbey that changed that, actually, because that was the, I would say truly the first period piece that I, like, really fell in love with. Aw, that's so nice. Thanks, Downton Abbey.
00:04:08
Speaker
you've You cured Garrett of his horsey hatred. But I do think that this movie, I remember differently as being, i don't know, should I, I think maybe in my mind at the time, if a movie was set in a, you know, horsey times, as we'll call them, that that was a classy ah prestige picture. ah and i had no recollection of how shitty and melodramatic this movie was.
00:04:39
Speaker
You thought that you were watching something classy. In my mind, it was like, maybe this was even Oscar bait.
00:04:50
Speaker
Why would you put a horsey in it if you're not trying to win an Oscar? I stand by that now.
00:05:02
Speaker
In a world of fast and furious, what are you trying to do to me by showing me a horse? You're trying to show me that you're smarter than me and that you have a trunk full of corsets that need to get used.
00:05:15
Speaker
A trunk full of corsets that i I don't have the key for for mysterious reasons.
Background and Setting of the Film
00:05:24
Speaker
So I did see that this movie is based off a book by Cornell Woolrich, who did write ah the the book that Rear Window was based off of.
00:05:37
Speaker
So I assume his writing is good. Truffaut made a film of this in, I believe, the 60s. I think you're right.
00:05:49
Speaker
And this is a very bad remake, I would imagine. I can't vouch for the Trofoan. But they moved it to Cuba so that it would be sexier because so hot. Cuba is sexy. It's hot.
00:06:01
Speaker
Yeah. There's nothing sexier than a sweaty pair of corsets. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so we start in with a map of Cuba, so you know exactly where where we are.
00:06:17
Speaker
And also, ah just to zoom in on Angelina Jolie's big pouty lips, like, this movie is not subtle.
00:06:31
Speaker
What's so weird is... This almost certainly was the first Angelina Jolie movie that I saw. Like, I know that I had seen Girl Interrupted, but I don't know if I had seen it yet.
00:06:44
Speaker
And I also know I hadn't seen Hackers at this point. i'm Unfortunate for you. One of my favorites of all time. Tomb Raider had already been out, but even then I didn't.
00:06:55
Speaker
watch that movie but i would have been aware of her as being laura croft which was you know probably the pinnacle of hot at the age of 15 probably yeah i mean those pixelated you know triangle boobs oh you're talking about angelina jolie as ah both both because she didn't have she didn't have those on the cover of the video game she was drawn much better to sell you the pixelated game was she good and stuff like what do you like Angelina Jolie in because like her in Hackers she's so cute in Hackers she's
00:07:32
Speaker
She's struggling here. She doesn't know how to sound old-timey without sounding British. So she sort of... The accent is all over the place. She does not know how to sound old-timey at all.
00:07:47
Speaker
So her she's really struggling to talk like a normal human being in this movie. When she's playing in a contemporary role, she doesn't have that problem.
00:08:00
Speaker
Okay. I think, though, that the entire cast struggled with that.
Critique of the Film's Script
00:08:05
Speaker
Yeah. I know sometimes we like throw out a lot of lines that were dumb in a movie, but this movie, I'm giving it a full blanket. This is a terrible script. Like we would read the script if we wanted to tell you every bad line.
00:08:18
Speaker
Like every line is bad and melodramatic and stupid. It starts off like telling you this is not a love story, but it is a story about love.
00:08:32
Speaker
Oh, for God's sake. Oh, come on. This is one of my all-time favorite bad movies is Winter's Tale. Oh, yes. Which I love because so much of that movie, the actors are saying dumb lines that you can see in their face that they don't know what they're saying.
00:08:50
Speaker
Mm-mm. like nothing like a line from winter's tale that comes to mind is when a guy guy falls in love with a dying woman and has to meet her father and he says to the dad is it possible to love someone so completely that they never die and the father's response is no
00:09:15
Speaker
but No, you idiot. What the fuck do you think love is? What are you, stupid? It's not cancer drugs. It's love.
00:09:27
Speaker
can you imagine saying that to like a Midwest dad now? They'd be like get out of my house.
00:09:39
Speaker
What?
00:09:41
Speaker
what
00:09:44
Speaker
The best part would be try like, that yeah, like if John had said this to your father and then like the best part would be whoever your dad had to talk to next, trying to remember exactly what the line was that he said that didn't make sense.
00:10:01
Speaker
Because he would immediately go and try to get like confirmation that that he is not the crazy one.
Plot and Character Dynamics
00:10:09
Speaker
This movie kit is a man being catfished. This is the original online date gone wrong.
00:10:17
Speaker
And Antonio Banderas, rich coffee man. He wants a wife. So he sends, I guess, a little article to newspaper in America. i don't know what city.
00:10:29
Speaker
Just general America. It is weird because she's theoretically from Delaware and it's like, did you write to a Delaware newspaper for this?
00:10:39
Speaker
Why would you have done that? That's so specific and small. Why wouldn't you have just done it to New York or something? so so you like is that there i do not think there were nationally syndicated newspapers at the time.
00:10:58
Speaker
So i am corn fused. Yes. And there's a lot of things like that in this movie where it's just this, ah this is weird.
00:11:09
Speaker
This is weird that this happened, but I love him explaining to his friend, his situation and his friend basically in, I wish I had the exact line, but he's like, are you sure you don't want to just keep being with whores?
00:11:24
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. He's like, she but this one's ugly. And he's like, I don't care if she's ugly. She's just supposed to like, make me children i'm like do you not want your children to be good looking what do you talking about sir how do you think children happen the most handsome man in cuba wants a wife so bad that he's just sending letters to put in the paper and i guess every state on the east coast or all i don't fucking know don't know and
00:11:55
Speaker
And he's got the first person that responds that he had a nice ah exchange of letters with is an ugly woman who we do see later in the film. And I would even call her attractive.
00:12:06
Speaker
Yeah, they insult this woman. It's like, she's only ugly if you sit her next to Angelina Jolie. And there's no reason anyone should have anticipated that Angelina Jolie was an option.
00:12:19
Speaker
So, like, if you're writing a letter and getting some random bitch from Delaware, you should be pretty happy with the one you got. She's pretty good looking. and I think that is basically why he is the way he is the rest of the movie. He shows up and he's like, but you're not ugly.
00:12:36
Speaker
and Yeah. and the The meeting of this where she's like, well, I wanted you to like me for me. So I sent a picture of an ugly broad. I reverse catfished you and pretended to be ugly. And he's like, that's so sexy. I reverse catfished you and pretended to not be as rich.
00:12:56
Speaker
And she's like, perfect. Just two hot liars. And also, what was the ugly woman going to cue before? Just to change a change of pace? Well, she, I mean, what do you mean? She was going to get married.
00:13:11
Speaker
She's ugly, Garrett. There were no prospects in Delaware for an ugly woman. And at least now we're somewhere with a very nice climate. Yes, exactly.
00:13:23
Speaker
i would say pretty big red red flag. and But he immediately, she's like like, Angelina Jolie's like, but, you know, we have time to get to know each other. i No, we don't. We're actually getting married at nine.
00:13:37
Speaker
Yeah. Which is, so now they're married. Yeah. hotley He lied. He told his buddy, like, ah listen, I'm going to get married at nine and I can be at work by 10.
00:13:51
Speaker
and they did not. They partied all day, all night. And it looked like a pretty fun party, I have to say. It was a nice party. And I don't believe that Antonio Banderas doesn't know how to dance.
00:14:04
Speaker
I wrote the same thing right here. I don't dance bullshit. No way. No way a man that handsome doesn't know how to dance. Simply impossible.
00:14:14
Speaker
so A man that sexy, he oozes charisma. That man can dance. Don't you dare lie to Angelina Jolie and tell her you can't dance. Is it kind of one of those, like, even though it's nice, it's still a not nice stereotype that all handsome Latin men can just dance?
00:14:36
Speaker
I don't know. Maybe it is. Maybe it's like assuming that, you know, all Asian people are good at math. maybe Maybe you're not supposed to to say that, even though it's a nice thing, because it's still a harmful stereotype.
00:14:50
Speaker
But I don't think we're going based on a harmful stereotype. I'm looking at Antonio Banderas. Not just any handsome Latin man. Specifically him. Look at him.
00:15:01
Speaker
Look at the way he moves. He has a natural grace to him. Well, mean, the last movie we watched him in he couldn't make a lady come either. so Which we took as slander.
00:15:15
Speaker
In this movie, he plays just ah just a pud. He's such an idiot. He is. is It makes it so easy. it it looks like I can't believe. He's a himbo, Garrett. He's handsome and sexy and a little dumb.
00:15:31
Speaker
Even though she's throwing out so many red flags, we're like the first night they don't sleep together, which is fine. They just met each other like an hour. he's a He's a sexy, sexy gentleman. And he's like, I'll wait for you as long as it takes until you're ready to have sex with me.
00:15:48
Speaker
But what is it? The first morning he said she's drinking coffee and he's like, wait, but you only drink tea in the morning. And has to lie because she doesn't know anything that was going on in these letters.
00:16:02
Speaker
Nope, not a single So she's like, oh yeah, my sister thinks coffee is is a sin. ah And so I said she was watching me write the letters.
00:16:14
Speaker
i I lied and said that I don't like coffee.
00:16:21
Speaker
He's colorblind with puss right now is what's happening. It's true. It's true. And, uh, now they start to get to know each other biblically.
00:16:32
Speaker
you Yeah. The, the sex scenes in this movie kit, you do see a lot of nudity and a fair amount of, of throughout.
00:16:44
Speaker
This would have been his other red flag, as if the first two red flags were not red enough. The fact that she is... This is clearly not her first rodeo. This woman is doing different positions. She's going down on him.
00:17:00
Speaker
She is acrobatic in her sexual ah positions. There is no way this woman is is is a shy Delaware virgin.
00:17:13
Speaker
How could you for one second think that after having sex with her?
Behind the Scenes and Notoriety
00:17:19
Speaker
It's fun. I wish they had gone, ah even though the unrated cut is basically 10 extra minutes of sex.
00:17:25
Speaker
I wish they had gone a little, cause they are just turning their bodies into pretzels in this. They are they're going, they're running through the Kama Sutra. They are, I wish we got like some goofy ones, like in crank two, where he's like giving the wheelbarrow like, just, just make it weird. Saving that for the second time they have sex.
00:17:48
Speaker
She doesn't want to give it away. What's funny is at 15, I was such a movie nerd that every movie I got after I watched it, I would watch it again with director's commentary, no matter what it was really, just because I was interested in filmmaking. Mm-hmm.
00:18:06
Speaker
The only thing I remember from this director's commentary is during the sex scenes, the director, he really kind of got into the weeds on some of this. Both of them refused to wear a cock sock or like the modesty patch or whatever.
00:18:24
Speaker
So these two. They wanted to be naked. Oh, i want to love that. He was married to Melanie Griffith. Yeah. here And it was one of those things where it was really just them, the director.
00:18:37
Speaker
but she with Billy Bob Thornton at the time? So she did get married to him partway through this production, but I don't know.
00:18:49
Speaker
Theirs was like one of those crazy quick marriages. i don't think they dated for a long time before they just like quickly got married and got weird together. And there were rumors as this movie filmed that one, because it was only them, the DP and the director, I believe in the room for these crazy sexy, as it should be, you know, you don't, you try to get as many unnecessary crewmen out as possible. Like, and it seemed like feel comfortable.
00:19:19
Speaker
yeah Well, they maybe got a little too comfortable because even the director, you're sure if they actually had sex or not.
00:19:29
Speaker
Maybe it slipped inside. Maybe it didn't. Listen, they're both consenting adults. I may have accidentally shot hardcore pornography today. Kit, the director in the commentary jokes about how the two of them were joking about what would happen if something accidentally happened.
00:19:47
Speaker
And like, I think they seemed so flirty that people weren't convinced they weren't in a relationship while they filmed this movie. I mean, I... I can see that. They're both very good looking.
00:20:02
Speaker
These are two of the most attractive humans on the planet. Yeah. In their prime. Being asked mash parts. Mm-hmm. For long periods of time.
00:20:13
Speaker
There's no way that Antonio Banderas, even with two other people in the room, didn't. you You can't. You can't. Well, he's human.
00:20:24
Speaker
Mm-hmm. What I remember from the unrated cut that is different is maybe more crazy positions and a lot more of each of them going down on each other, which is usually the quickest way to get an NC-17. Yeah, it's funny to me that ah the MPAA thinks that going down on someone is ah is more scandalous than sex when I'm pretty sure it's, it's, it's a, it's not the full base, right? Like that's, that's like third base. That's not a home run.
00:20:58
Speaker
I think it just shows where the MPAA's head is and what their thing is. This is your specific kink MPAA. Or maybe somebody in charge isn't, their significant other isn't doing that. And they're like, well, if they won't do it, then no one gets to see it.
00:21:17
Speaker
Nobody. I won't let anyone know it even exists. Of course. love that we get get a little scene with his co-worker who's just like, I thought you would have found your way back to whores by now.
00:21:27
Speaker
And he's like, have you seen my wife? Why would I ever need a whore? My wife is Angelina Jolie. e The amount of times that the word whore is thrown out, feels... I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Dirty Work with Norm MacDonald.
00:21:46
Speaker
It has to set the record for the most times the word whore has been said in a PG-13 movie. and i was just picturing a remake of this with Norm MacDonald. Like, yeah, there's a but lot of whores around here.
00:21:57
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:00
Speaker
So yeah, they go to the theater and ah he sees her chatting up Mephistopheles or whatever backstage. And he's he's getting, like, if I swear to God, if you took a shot every time Antonio Banderas is following his wife to see what she's up to, you would pass out before the movie was over.
00:22:22
Speaker
is so much of this. Side shots of her walking from a distance is... Yeah, this the the film time on this movie, like they ran through so much film getting through that.
00:22:32
Speaker
Just side shots. I love, though, how easy it was for him to get backstage at this play. Oh, yeah, I thought the same thing. i was like, is nobody goingnna nobody going to stop him?
00:22:45
Speaker
Like, if you go to Broadway right now, how he like it makes it seem like it'd be pretty easy to just end up backstage with Bill Burr at Glengarry Glen Ross. Well, this is oldie times, Garrett. Things were different, I guess. Less security.
00:23:01
Speaker
Yeah. 9-11 hadn't happened yet. so You didn't have to take your shoes off before going backstage? Is that what you're telling me? Yeah, we're still like 100 years or plus away from 9-11, so just just a little different. Didn't get wanded. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
00:23:22
Speaker
So we find out that um ah he's been getting letters from the sister of of ah his bride ah being like, why have you not told me you're alive?
00:23:37
Speaker
That you made it there in one piece, that you're married, that you weren't kidnapped and sold into white slavery. Like, come on, girl. And he's like, listen, I know you don't like your sister, but you should probably write her back.
00:23:51
Speaker
And so that's not a red flag for him. Neither is the fact that she has um random night terrors and weird cuts on her back. None of this is is going to slow him down. He's going to give his wife full access to his personal and business accounts so that she can buy a new wardrobe.
00:24:11
Speaker
Because he just now noticed that she changed her dress. Garrett, it has been weeks, and she's wearing the same dress she wore when she got off the boat.
Tension and Intrigue in the Storyline
00:24:22
Speaker
Even in ye olde times. That is insane. Once again, they stink. They're they' in Havana or wherever, and she's just sweating in layers. It's so horrible.
00:24:34
Speaker
in layers. And he's like, what about all the clothes in your wardrobe? Oh, I lost the key. That's not a red flag. That's not a red flag at all.
00:24:47
Speaker
Neither is them taking a bath. Her boobies floating on top of the water. He's living having a great time.
00:24:54
Speaker
bird is chirping her bird the fact that she smells of cigar smoke he's not gonna think about that he's like why do you smell like a cigar and she's like i wanted the taste of you in my mouth and like that's hot
00:25:10
Speaker
the fucking bird singing and she's like i hate that bird he' like but it's your bird it's your bird you brought the bird then the bird's suddenly day next scene next scene bird's dead Housekeeper's like, its neck is broken. How could that have happened?
00:25:27
Speaker
And he's like, i don't know, just hide the bird. Don't tell my wife.
00:25:33
Speaker
the just how quickly these red flags are rolling in is it's just it's becoming a giant snowball coming down a hill that's about to crush a town and all he sees Thomas Jane Thomas Jane is here with a silly little mustache and he's like hey I'm a PI paid by the the sister of your wife and uh she really wants to know if she's alive or not so i'm gonna need to uh To have dinner with y'all.
00:26:03
Speaker
Is that cool? And Antonio Vendettas is like, yeah, i guess so. Sure. Sure. Tom Jane's performance in this movie is insane.
00:26:14
Speaker
he is maybe the most insane of any of the other actors in this movie, but it is also because of the way this character is written, Kit. Oh, yes. when Because he's like, I'm a detective and very gay.
00:26:28
Speaker
And no one... he It's like he wants, it's like, I saw a video the other day of a guy in a MAGA hat walking around at Disney World. It's like, no one's going to fight me on this. Like, no one is yelling, like, no one's starting to fight with him because you're Disney World and you're being weird. at Disney World. I'm not going to fight you in front of my children, you weirdo.
00:26:48
Speaker
But this guy keeps throwing out in the 1800s at Antonio Banderas, like, I'm really gay. And like, he just doesn't react to it because he doesn't care. No, Antonio Banderas is like, that's one less man I can worry about fucking my beautiful wife. Seems like a not a problem to me.
00:27:06
Speaker
I don't know if that was an actual piece of dialogue or not. Is that a thing that was said? No, I made that one up. I would have believed you. I would have believed you.
00:27:18
Speaker
No, no, ah no. He's just like, yeah, that's sure. why Like, I care. I'm meeting you in a whorehouse. Do I look like I have a whole bunch of morals?
00:27:29
Speaker
Um, so, so we, we occasionally do cut to the framing device, like, which I had forgotten about entirely. Had you forgotten the framing device until the next time it we brought up? Like, oh, by the way, when we zoomed in on her lips in the beginning, she was in prison.
00:27:48
Speaker
That, the way they spliced that in made it very confusing. Mm-hmm. They didn't. Yeah, because it just came back several times throughout the movie, but not in a way that was very clear what was. And I know that's like kind of the point, but almost that I would even to a fault where maybe I didn't need this information yet.
00:28:15
Speaker
I didn't need any of it. i didn't- I really didn't- I mean, I guess it comes back in that, like, she's telling the story to the priest, and then the priest is important at a certain point in a minute, but, like, it is- it it waits so long to bring it back that you've completely forgotten that apparently she's telling this story from prison.
00:28:41
Speaker
Okay. Because it does drop the narration fairly often. like When the narration comes up, you forget that this is that kind of movie that there is sometimes a narrator. Absolutely. 100%. And then, ah you know, we suddenly see the sister is here.
00:28:59
Speaker
And that's not a red flag to him either, by the way, that the sister both called in a PI and showed up in person. Like, that should have been a weird sign. Why didn't he ask? Like, why didn't you just wait for that PI to to come back to you with this information? He does not mention the private investigator to the sister, and so therefore never thinks anything of it.
00:29:21
Speaker
ah Instead, he's like, what do you mean you got a letter from your sister and you feel weird about it? she She wrote you the letter. I i saw her do it. And she's like, this isn't my sister's handwriting.
00:29:34
Speaker
I am not crazy. I know it's ye olde times and you think I'm a hysterical woman, but I am telling you, this is not my goddamn sister. And then there's like dramatic slow-mo.
00:29:46
Speaker
He gets on the horse and he's screaming. Kit, this was my favorite part of the entire movie. I knew it would be! I knew it would be! More so than the boobs floating in the bathtub.
00:30:00
Speaker
This cut... of him realizing that this woman has catfished him to him going what felt like 100 miles an hour on a horse straight at the barrel of the camera bongo music with screaming on top of it is the soundtrack i was crying you like i am not Folks, of anything that I might exaggerate that happened in this movie, no.
00:30:32
Speaker
The one thing I am not exaggerating on is how fast this goddamn horse was running. like It looked like somebody in a space simulator that's like getting ready for a launch. like their His face is blowing back and the music is insane. This horse died at the end of this run. like Secretariat never went this fast. I'm telling you.
00:30:58
Speaker
Oh my God. Like, Oh, I can't, I can't like, I couldn't even tell, like, did they speed up the film? What is happening? I don't know. They just got the world's fastest horse and then had to shoot it afterwards. Cause it was useless to them all.
00:31:15
Speaker
And also, it's clearly him actually riding it. So if I met Antonio Banderas, I'd be like, how fucking scared were you on that horse? There's no way you were prepared for the speed that that fucking thing was going.
00:31:28
Speaker
No, Antonio Banderas is a consummate professional. And he he you can tell in his soft brown eyes that he has a way with animals.
00:31:40
Speaker
Well, he didn't have a seat belt on. I don't know how he didn't fly off. He didn't need a seatbelt. He needed like a full harness like you do get on a spaceship. He was just in like one of those suits that you can put on and get attacked by a bear. Yeah, he he shows up.
00:32:01
Speaker
He comes home and Angie has, ah as they say in um ah No Brother, Where Art Thou? R-U-N-N-O-F-T.
00:32:13
Speaker
She's run off. Oh, okay. like they As they say in ye olde times, stole all his shit.
00:32:23
Speaker
She left him like $50 in the bank account because if she had to close it entirely, that would have required his signature, but to leave like a buck sixty in there was fine.
00:32:37
Speaker
a man who married a woman that he just met that clearly isn't the woman. We've had at least nine red flags, but he's like, give her full access to my bank accounts. I mean, what's she going to do? accounts do It's fine. It's fine. She's my wife.
00:32:53
Speaker
We're in Cuba. Cuba's not that big. How far could she go? um his servants are still there. That was the thing that surprised me. I was like, you can't pay those people. They should leave you.
00:33:03
Speaker
And he is sitting there staring out the window like Bella Swan. Just bereft. Oh, the for the next little bit, like you have never seen a man more distraught, disheveled.
00:33:18
Speaker
Like the five o'clock shadow he grew in about 15 minutes after finding out that he's poor now.
00:33:29
Speaker
It was actually time travel. That's how fast the goddamn thing went. And hey, that actually goes back to some dialogue at the beginning of the movie, which is where she says, why did you choose an American wife?
00:33:42
Speaker
And he says, here, we're in the past. There, you are the future. So maybe there' maybe that alluded to the time traveling horse. There's time traveling horse that made his beard grow. And yeah, so he's like, I gotta to go to a hooker and feel better. And it's like,
00:33:58
Speaker
Sir, you cannot afford hooker. She took all of your money. Like, what are you doing? He spends his last $10 from his bank account on that. Yeah!
00:34:11
Speaker
He did. He took his last 10 bucks and he bought a hooker and he just happened to run into Thomas Jane there again. And Thomas Jane's like, have you tried being gay though? And Antonio Banderas like, no, I haven't tried being gay.
00:34:25
Speaker
What's crazy though is while he's having that conversation with him, it's once again, just like him, he slips and he's like, and I'm not really interested. He's like, for the best sex, it needs to be with a man.
00:34:36
Speaker
But Antonio Banderas is so sad. He doesn't even hear it. you know He's not paying attention. And so ah it turns out that she came on the boat with the actors and you know Thomas Jane's dropping hints like she probably killed the real Delaware lady that you were supposed to marry and took her place. like That's kind of fucked up, right? Antonio Banderas is like, yeah, totally fucked up.
00:35:04
Speaker
I definitely don't want her back. She raises a gun.
00:35:11
Speaker
Antonio Bandera's feelings are confusing in this because he's like, I love her more than anything. i am going to shoot this bitch in the head. Listen, he's a he's ah a man with a lot of feelings and I respect that in a man.
00:35:27
Speaker
You know what I appreciated about this little bit of the movie was we didn't, I loved that we had Thomas Jane there because it cut out, because this movie's already too long at two hours. Oh yeah, God, yes.
00:35:41
Speaker
This cut out 20 minutes that would have been Antonio Banderas having to be dumb Batman. yeah Finding out, like, who is who was this woman? Why was she here? What happened to the real lady that I now have no interest in her fate? Because even though I exchanged all these letters for em with her and I liked her enough to want to marry her, I care about her not at all now that she is dead. All I want is Angelina Jolie and her perfect breasts.
00:36:14
Speaker
I love... that You get Tom Jamie like, I made a couple phone calls. I interviewed three people and here's exactly what happened. They all saw that lady get on the boat. They saw Angelina Jolie.
00:36:25
Speaker
They saw them together. That lady was gone and now she has her bird. This is clearly what happened. Makes sense to me. It all checks out. So ah he's he's like tracking her down and ah it's carnival time.
00:36:41
Speaker
And I want just have a brief moment to point out how much I loved the terrible extra acting there was during the carnival. There were some people who clearly were not told what exactly they were supposed to do. I don't think they knew that the cameras were running at the time. They're just sort of bobbing in a very like modern way to the music. like there' there What is it? Like, shoegaze dancing?
00:37:09
Speaker
There's no sense. Some people are like, yeah, it's carnival! And some people are like, are we we doing? is it Is it going?
00:37:19
Speaker
Am I supposed to... Did he did he say action?
00:37:24
Speaker
Do you think that they shot the scene without like any noise? I don't know, because it doesn't seem like like some people are are partying to an entirely different beat.
00:37:35
Speaker
yeah They're basically like, okay, we need you to dance like it's carnival. Unfortunately, the only music we have to play for you is the ah bongos and screaming song that Antonio Banderas rode the horse to.
00:37:49
Speaker
Because know that it's not Antonio Banderas screaming. it is the lyrics to that score. We hired professional screamers for this one. So everybody just has to act how that song makes them feel.
00:38:03
Speaker
yeah And some people makes them want to rock out. and Some people are just like shuffling. It's truly like some college acting class shit where it's like, dude
00:38:17
Speaker
But how does it make you feel? ah yeah, so he- I feel like riding a hundred mile an hour horsey.
00:38:26
Speaker
So he overhears her fishing for a new man, uh, you know, now he's, um, watching, waiting, and, uh, sees, you know, his wife, ah theoretically, although I guess not legally, since she wasn't using her real name.
00:38:47
Speaker
I don't think they're legally bonded in the eyes of God and the Cuban government. was hoping were going to just finish out that Blink-182 lyric. Watching, and weigh in waiting, commiserating. I was so tempted.
00:39:01
Speaker
and But the only person to commiserate with is Thomas Jane.
00:39:07
Speaker
And he sees that, you know, she's got a new man. This man is a sex pest. And ah she kicks him out, makes him wait, and boom!
00:39:19
Speaker
who yeah Who's Billy? I see you're writing a letter to Billy. Who's Billy? Is he another man that you're fucking that's not me? And God, she has this goth eyeshadow on because it was under, you know, her cool carnival mask.
00:39:34
Speaker
And it is... She's so gorgeous, and it's un-period appropriate. She looks great. I love it.
00:39:46
Speaker
And she's like, yes, I did. Okay, I didn't kill the lady. My lover killed the lady.
00:39:57
Speaker
and it was all his idea. He made me do it. And he starts slapping her around and he's like, slaps look real. They looked really painful.
00:40:09
Speaker
Like, I don't know that they weren't. That looked like a, okay, if we're really going to fuck in this movie, you also have to punch me in the face. I am all about realism. I want your cock really inside me. And I want you to really slap me across the face.
00:40:25
Speaker
um And then, like, there's, there's the I don't know, the editor clearly thought they were doing something you dramatic and cool with all of these, like, quick cuts that just make it feel really jarring and and ruin the sense of place because people are just slightly in a different position than before the cut.
00:40:46
Speaker
It's yeah very disorienting and and and dumb. It looks dumb. I don't know how else to say it. It looks cheap and shitty. Can you, off the top of your head, think of a period piece that sucks more than this one?
00:41:08
Speaker
no Not offhand. Because if I watch a period piece, it's usually a classy one. I'm not often watching schlock that is said in multiple times.
00:41:19
Speaker
yeah Can you imagine if Atonement sucked this much? Ha ha
00:41:28
Speaker
Yes, I can. and it would, I i don't know. It might be fun.
00:41:35
Speaker
but Yeah, they, she tells them a real name. She's from St. Louis. Her name's Bonnie Castle, which is a made up name. Yeah, that's the other thing is she's a foundling, right? She's like me and Billy our foundlings from St. Louis.
00:41:50
Speaker
And he gave me my name. I'm like, wait, weren't you both infants? If you're a foundling. then wait your name be goo goo ga what yeah what do you mean i'm sorry are you telling me that this orphanage found two children and we're like oh well we'll name this one billy and this one and we won't give her a name you're just girl until someone else comes up with a name for you and then he sees a postcard and he's like it says bonnie castle and so that's what i'm gonna name you
00:42:25
Speaker
What does that mean? What was his plan? Because, okay, so when she robbed him, the only thing she left there was the wedding ring. Yeah. And he brought it with him. And after they bang again, after this, where he's like, I hate you. I hate you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. I can't fucking you break.
00:42:46
Speaker
And puts the wedding ring on her finger, but he also came with the gun. Yeah. but like i'm gonna pe it out He wanted to keep his options open Garrett. He wanted to feel out the moment and see what she was going to say. If she was like, yes, I killed that bitch and I stole your money and I don't give a fuck.
00:43:05
Speaker
Then he would have shot her. If on the other hand, ah she had said, i don't know the exact thing she did say, he gives her back the ring.
00:43:17
Speaker
So Billy swapped out the gun anyway, so it doesn't matter. Yeah. the The detective meets him for breakfast and they're really cutting to gross food. matt Like the food is being cut in a gross way. It's going into his mouth in a gross way.
00:43:32
Speaker
Like I'm very disgusted throughout this. And he basically is like, just one moment. he but He finds out that Angelina Jolie is a fugitive and that the lady was found dead with a knife in her throat. yeah yeah And he's like, just one moment. I must take a piss and leaves, goes to his wife. like we got to get the fuck out of here. And i'm immediately, immediately, Tom Jane follows him up the stairs. He's like, hey, bitch, I knew you you didn't have to pee.
00:44:00
Speaker
I'm following you. I got you. And as he's like holding Antonio Banderas against a wall, screaming at him, he's kissing him. It was amazing. That was the best part.
00:44:12
Speaker
I loved this moment as much as you loved the horsey, the turbo horse. Because Thomas Jane's like, I bet you still taste like her. And then he starts kissing him.
00:44:23
Speaker
And it's like, it's so, so it's like the straightest and gayest thing he could have possibly done in that moment. Because throughout the movie, as he is just like, well, I'm a detective who likes cock and just keeps saying stuff like that to Antonio Banderas, Antonio Banderas never acknowledges, no sells everything.
00:44:45
Speaker
He is now getting screamed at and made out with. And once again, no selling. It's like this isn't happening. No, he can only think about those beautiful pouty lips. That's all he's got on the on the mind. Yeah.
00:44:58
Speaker
And I have to point out, though, that this this house that they're in at this point what um is so beautiful with this gorgeous courtyard. like oh, yeah, I was having major house lust.
00:45:13
Speaker
And then that's the other thing. it looked almost exactly like a hotel that john and i stayed at in havana like they didn't shoot this in cuba they shot it in mexico but like they found they found the exact right spanish architecture it doubles perfectly it's beautiful it's a very lovely movie in that like you know there's there's some really nice looking um locations But yeah, yeah, yeah. So he shoots Thomas Jane.
00:45:47
Speaker
So many times to the point that i was like, i I had to think I'm like, I need to ask Kit. Did guns suck in the 1800s? How many times do you have to get shot before it? Because the first time he got shot, like he no sold it. The bullet in his chest, like like ah like Antonio Banderas, no sold that kiss.
00:46:06
Speaker
Antonio Banderas kept shooting him because no matter how many times he shot him, no blood seemed to come out. So he felt like he had to keep shooting him for him to really be dead.
00:46:19
Speaker
Because along with not noticing all these red flags about his wife, about the detective, he also doesn't notice that corpses don't bleed as much as he would have expected them to.
00:46:32
Speaker
You know, he's never killed anybody and he's he's kind of dense. Yeah, he's like, I just killed a man. And ah Angelina Jolie says, and I just bought a hat.
00:46:48
Speaker
That should have been the tagline on the poster. It's so good. She delivers this whole monologue about like, I bought a hat. I don't go around just thinking about over and over again. Like I bought a hat. I bought a hat. So what? I bought a hat.
00:47:03
Speaker
I know I did it. I don't need to keep thinking about it. Why are you still hung up on the fact that you killed a man? It's like, damn girl. The single greatest piece of dialogue in this movie.
00:47:16
Speaker
The single greatest that was that line. So like my eyes got wide. That's so good. That actually might be a good line. I can't tell. i genuinely can't tell if it's really good or really bad.
00:47:31
Speaker
All I know is it sucks that this is the movie it ended up in. Yeah. Yeah. You're not wrong about that. but And so she's like, you need to go get train tickets. we're We got to get out of Dodge.
00:47:45
Speaker
I'll take care of the body. and then she goes over to Thomas Jane's body and pulls off his little fake mustache. Garrett
00:47:58
Speaker
Garrett, why the fuck did he need a fake mustache? Antonio Banderas didn't know what the real him looked like. The only person who knew what the real him looked like would be Angelina Jolie, and clearly a mustache wasn't going to change that.
00:48:18
Speaker
Why on earth would he need a fake mustache? I do have an answer for that. Who is this for? Okay, go ahead. Because he's an actor, right?
00:48:29
Speaker
Was he part of the... so he's an actor. And also, batshit insane.
00:48:38
Speaker
This was up to him, get into character. He needed this as like a method acting thing. Like, I can't be this i can't be this detective without a shitty little detective mustache.
00:48:50
Speaker
Yes. And the whole time you think that mustache sucks... And then it turns out to be fake. But when the mustache is removed and we now have the real bad guy of the movie, he is Joker level fucking crazy the rest of the movie.
00:49:08
Speaker
And it showed how he was a good actor. You know what? Yeah. That's why it is hard. It is to hide that crazy. That's why he had a major part in in the the play.
00:49:19
Speaker
You know, he's good at it. And so the mustache was fake. The gun was fake. ah But what's not fake is how much he wants Angelina Jolie. He's like, you're a whore, so you should be with me and not Antonio Bandidas.
00:49:36
Speaker
It tickles my dick when you beg. i believe it's a line he says to her in that at some point. He's like a good whore, Bonnie. He's like fingering her and she's like not into it, but is into it. And she's like, I guess I'll have sex with you. I don't know. He's like, listen, you need to keep to keep pumping this guy for money because clearly he has enough money to run away with you.
00:50:02
Speaker
So like, Eh? yeah You should get still still get money out of him, which is a bad idea. you left him like 20 bucks, most of which he has spent already on whores.
00:50:17
Speaker
But what they were going after is he's like, he still owns part of this coffee business that's doing well. Get him to sell the coffee business and then we'll just take the rest of that.
00:50:29
Speaker
Yeah, I guess so. Okay. That's what they said. Like, that was the plan. that's the plan. It just doesn't seem like a smart plan since this guy seems real volatile and tried to shoot you once already.
00:50:41
Speaker
And I don't think you're going keep getting away with the, I swapped his bullets for blanks every time this man wants to shoot you. But he loves this woman so much that he doesn't care about his own own well-being. Like, he doesn't give a shit.
00:50:57
Speaker
like He's a fucking idiot. And you can catfish this guy nine or ten times if you wanted. Yeah, that's true. And he's like, listen, and you can't stay with Antonio Mendez because you guys are going to now be fugitives from the law.
00:51:12
Speaker
And he seems like he's going to be bad at it. Like he doesn't, it doesn't have a lot of street smarts. I don't think he's going to be able to handle it.
00:51:23
Speaker
And Thomas James was a hundred percent correct on that. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. He's losing it. And I loved when he takes the shit from his old, his work, he basically robs the safe, but leaves a paper. That's like, I'm selling the rest of my, the company to you for all the shit I took out of the safe. It's a good deal.
00:51:43
Speaker
yeah, The guy catches up to him to be like, what the fuck's going on? And he goes, murder. I've done a murder. and i killed a man for Angelina Jolie. And the guy's like, I can see it. Yeah, I could i and i get it, man.
00:51:58
Speaker
All right. yeah I love, though, that he's literally the dialogue was murder. I've done a murder. done a murder. And then my head, the Ron Howard Arrested Development narration popped into my head that just said, he hadn't done a murder. Right.
00:52:15
Speaker
It's true. He's so beat like torn up on the inside. And technically, he doesn't need to be a fugitive at all. She's a fugitive because sure people think she murdered the lady on the boat.
00:52:27
Speaker
But like he's fine. ah He doesn't know that, but he is. He's ah absolutely fine. And we get to, Kit, one of the only other scenes I remembered in this movie from 2002. So basically she's like, I'm going to teach you to be a con artist like I am. yeah That's how we're going to live as con artists.
00:52:48
Speaker
this they're basically going to be like, we're fixing poker games. I'm going to do yeah every, every, like all of my signals are going to be as subtle as the manager of a baseball team giving the pitch.
00:53:03
Speaker
They really are. They're so, you might as well be like, like a ref, like doing like the big, like, you know, field goal arms. like Like pulling earlobes. like food she's She's like, if he has nothing, I'll just draw my finger across my throat. Like he's dead. And it's like, you don't think anyone's going to notice this?
00:53:24
Speaker
Yes. You're standing behind the person with the cards, but it's round table. Everyone else can see you. what Okay, so he wins all the hands of cards and eventually a guy is just like, you need to get your wife the fuck out of here. And he's like, I do not. This is my house. And he goes, well, you're cheating at fucking cards because this isn't subtle.
00:53:50
Speaker
so the So they beat his ass. Yeah, they beat his ass.
00:53:57
Speaker
And it is it is at this moment that she's like, I can't keep being with this man. he can't even cheat at cards, right? And what's funny is so they beat his ass, throw him out of the room and everybody fucks her.
00:54:10
Speaker
Yeah. like I just saw the new Statham movie, A Working Man. And David Harbour has a line in it that he says to Statham, you killed your way into this mess. Now you got to kill your way out of it.
00:54:22
Speaker
And that's what she did. But with fucking. Yes, she fucked her way in, and so, like, is her fucking them, like, payment for them not killing her husband? Or, like, does she get to keep the money because she fucks them?
00:54:38
Speaker
Because, like, she's- it doesn't seem- I don't know why she's fucking all of those men, I guess is my point. It doesn't look like they're attacking her.
00:54:51
Speaker
It is. is absolutely sexual assault, but she doesn't seem to care because- That's the weirdest part, and neither apparently did Antonio Banderas. Like, all these men have attacked his wife, and he's just like, oh, that sucks. I guess we're not good to cheating at cards, huh, hon?
00:55:07
Speaker
Ha ha ha ha ha! i love I loved it, though, where she's like, well, they beat his ass. They didn't kill him. And if I just have sex with all of them, they aren't going to kill me. And this is also my job sometimes. so like This is her job sometimes, he's clearly.
00:55:23
Speaker
His pockets were filled with all that money that he had just won. and they're like, well, I got something out of it at the end of the day. Listen, it was just a roundabout way of getting a hooker. Absolutely sexual assault, though. I want to point that out. Like, I'm not like, I just think the weirdness of it is that she doesn't give a shit.
00:55:42
Speaker
Yeah, she does not. it It is very strange. And I guess that's like sad and supposed to be like, oh, clearly this has happened enough times to her in her life that like this isn't a big deal. It's weird. It's not a big deal to Antonio Banderas, who presumably has never had this happen to him before.
00:56:04
Speaker
yeah Like, you'd think this would upset him even a tenth as much as him thinking he has killed a man.
00:56:13
Speaker
no Well, their life does suck now because they are poor and living in squalor and their house has rats and that bothers her. So she's going to go hit up Walgreens at 9 p.m.
00:56:26
Speaker
I got to buy rat poison at 9 p.m. It's not a big deal. Chill. ah And so, of course, he's following her. Duh. To the whorehouse. yeah and I thought she was just tricking again. I thought she was just... thought so, too.
00:56:42
Speaker
yeah That she's like, this guy sucks at cheating at cards, so I guess I'm just hooking to pay the bills. But no she's there to meet with Thomas Jane! insane.
00:56:54
Speaker
Yeah, and at that point, you know, Antonio Banderas should probably have feelings also about the fact that, like, I didn't kill a guy. I've been on the run and sold my business and all of this for a murder I didn't commit.
00:57:11
Speaker
But no, he doesn't have thoughts about that. He's too busy having thoughts about, oh no, I think my wife is plotting with her boyfriend to kill me.
00:57:25
Speaker
Well, I guess I'm okay with that. But okay, can you explain to me this? So we see Tom Jane and Angelina Jolie have sex and while he's doing it, he's cutting another notch into her back.
00:57:38
Speaker
Yeah. So what is that? It is weird that that is not explained because they draw attention to it twice. You're right. Like first when Antonio Bandera sees the scratches on her back and then we see Billy actually like putting the marks on her.
00:57:55
Speaker
And I don't know. is it supposed Is it like men other than him she's had sex with? Is it like people- How many times he's had sex with her, which is kind of real.
00:58:06
Speaker
That would be really low if they've been together since they were 15.
00:58:12
Speaker
yeah i did i didn't get it. Like other than he's insane. Is it the number of stams they've Is it just like every so often he gets a wild hair up his ass and he's just like, today's a day I want to carve a mark in my lady.
00:58:26
Speaker
To me, that just felt like Joker shit. Yeah, it's really unnecessary. It's just a like in case. Listen, in case you didn't think that Antonio Banderas was the good guy and this guy's the bad guy.
00:58:38
Speaker
um We will show him doing more bad guy things.
00:58:43
Speaker
Don't worry. And just know that while this is happening, we have cut back and forth to Angelina Jolie in prison more times so talking to this priest. Yes. And we see that she's going to be, um ah her her her death is going to be by Garrotting, which i was not I wasn't familiar with that.
00:59:03
Speaker
that So I had to see what my name meant as a murder. Yeah, and do you feel about it? It says like a strangulation with an iron collar or length of wire or cord. He's been Garroted.
00:59:19
Speaker
Oh, like a garrot. Like a... Garrot, okay. Yeah, when the mafia guy comes up behind you with his piano wire, that's garrotting you. Garrotting, okay.
00:59:31
Speaker
When I read that, or i don't I don't even know if they said it in dialogue, maybe I read it and had not heard that word out loud. i was like, oh, that seems ah kind of badass for my name. Good for you. It's your birthday, and your name is a method of murder.
00:59:49
Speaker
Uh, so yeah, ah he's like, babe, are you poisoning my coffee with rat poison? And she's like, yeah. And he's like, I'm gonna drink it because I love you so much.
01:00:03
Speaker
You dumb asshole. No, it it's good, though. It's so romantic. He's like, I love you. And she's like, no, you don't. You don't even know who I am. He's like, yes, I you.
01:00:14
Speaker
i love you Not the person you pretended to be. Not the dumb name your boyfriend gave you. You, Angelina Jolie, who is extremely hot and has extremely acrobatic sex with me.
01:00:29
Speaker
You are the one I love. The woman whose lips are as ample as her breasts. I will never find another like thee. And if this is what you want, then I'm going to drink your rat poison tea and fuck off to heaven.
01:00:45
Speaker
and she's like no and knocks it over and it's it's it's wild this whole thing the end of this movie's dumb not like the end end which is no the all of it all of it's dumb Garrett it sucks It's just a chase from Thomas Jane. They end up... but Like, i don't we don't need to go. It's too long. All of this ends... They're, like, stumbling around. She's hauling this man who is dying of being rat poisoned all around the city. By himself.
01:01:19
Speaker
She's like, I'm trying to put him on a train. No, he's too sick for the train. Okay, ah well... It's so... it get Get my dying hubby out of this room, away from Thomas Jane, who's following us, and ah now we shoot him for real.
01:01:39
Speaker
We get to shoot Thomas Jane for real, for real. And one of my favorite bits is that, um you know, some some policemen come over and they're like, what's going on? She says of Antonio Banderas, he needs a doctor!
01:01:54
Speaker
And they point at the guy who's been shot and say, what about him? She picks up the gun, shoots him again so that he's super duper dead, and just reiterates, he needs a doctor!
01:02:10
Speaker
that's pretty awesome
01:02:14
Speaker
What about the guy who's been shot? Don't worry about him. He's I have insured it.
01:02:21
Speaker
that That rules. and The only thing that rules more than that is the dumb shit when we cut back to her in prison.
01:02:32
Speaker
The guards come because they're going to execute her. She is kneeling in white because she had been praying with the priest. Yeah. Yes, and they've left it intentionally ambiguous. Is she is she here just for Thomas Jane's death, or is she also here for Antonio Banderas' death?
01:02:49
Speaker
They don't want us to know if he's alive or dead. And she's been talking to this priest and telling him, like what do you you know asking him, you know am I going to see him in heaven?
01:03:01
Speaker
And um no, girl, you already said you weren't baptized. You're not going to heaven. That's not how this works.
01:03:12
Speaker
When they come in to get her out of prison and they lift the veil and it is the priest wearing all of her clothes and looking really, really scared.
01:03:23
Speaker
Yeah, he's like gibbering. He's not able to form coherent words. he's like What did do to him? I don't know! That is the thing that will haunt me.
01:03:37
Speaker
is that ah What did she do to this man? Did she sexually gratify him in a way that like he he now had to renounce his vows? His faith!
01:03:49
Speaker
He renounced his faith And he's gone. He's been driven mad by her feminine wiles because i don't know. we don't see it.
01:04:01
Speaker
She sucked him off in a way that changed him forever. And he cannot reconcile it. It's like he's been possessed. He is a man possessed.
01:04:13
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. and Yeah. Okay. The end to end of this movie is the main thing. I remembered. And that is, however, I'm going to describe it the way I remembered it and not the way it was presented.
01:04:29
Speaker
Okay. Which is confusing. If you read anything about this movie makes it try and seem like this isn't what happened, but the, but Okay.
01:04:40
Speaker
We, we are now, what I remembered it is we are now in a white room that seems a little majestic, like a little, like everything is is off. Like we're not, it doesn't seem real. It almost seems fantasy.
01:04:55
Speaker
yeah Everything is white. We're at a table of a bunch of fancy men of different races playing cards together. And the camera turns and it's now Antonio Banderas is also at the table And him and Angelina Jolie make eye contact and she makes one of her, she makes the, he has nothing like death across her throat. And you're like, oh my God, they're together playing cards in heaven.
01:05:25
Speaker
Kit, are you telling me that that is not how that movie ends? No. Yes, it is.
01:05:34
Speaker
They are in heaven playing cards together and cheating on cards in heaven. i know that's what dave They are They together. They're still bad at cheating at cards. And we have more- Yeah. More terrible slow-mo.
01:05:51
Speaker
and No. Yes. game I swear to God, if you look at the way that scene is shot, because one thing they have done correctly the whole movie is make the settings look realistic as to where they are.
01:06:06
Speaker
Nothing about that setting is fucking Morocco colors. Why are all of those specific men together And the way it's shot is so unreal. Like nothing seems real.
01:06:18
Speaker
I swear to God, there has to out there be somewhere where the ending of this movie was them cheating on cards in heaven. But then they had to add that Morocco bit to like give some sort of explanation. They are both dead, Kit.
01:06:32
Speaker
There is no way that scene was shot to be Morocco and you cannot convince me otherwise. I mean, so like, are you arguing that this is, I will say a better interpretation than your interpretation of the ghoul in, um what was what was your one word?
01:06:53
Speaker
double. In body double. So I'll give you this. You're closer to reality on this one. So your argument is that you think the original ending was that she did die,
01:07:06
Speaker
On the rack. And this is shot to be them. Cheating at cards in heaven. And then somebody looked at it. And was like that's too depressing. Of an ending. I want the hot people to end up together. For real for real.
01:07:19
Speaker
So they added in a shot. Of gibbering. Priest in. Woman's clothing. and a map of Morocco. In a map of Morocco. To explain how she got away. hmm.
01:07:34
Speaker
and then just kept the same scene of them playing cards in heaven, but but now it's been contextualized as Morocco. That's your theory. So, like...
01:07:46
Speaker
The ghoul bit in Body Double, I was, you know, goofing. We were having fun. You cannot convince me that that's not the end shot of this movie. Nothing is Morocco colors.
01:07:58
Speaker
It is... Morocco could be lots of colors. you You can have white buildings in Morocco, Garrett. But everybody is dressed in all white, like we're at a Diddy White party whatever. Is this true?
01:08:11
Speaker
And like everything is white. There is nothing Moroccan about where we're at. And this seems more whimsical than the rest of the movie. Are you arguing that heaven, if it really exists, is a place where you're allowed to, to go cheat at cards?
01:08:29
Speaker
I think that's kind of a badass ending. Be with a woman you weren't technically married to. um and even though you both committed crimes, um,
01:08:41
Speaker
You get to go anyway and cheat other people who, by the way, they got to go to heaven too. Like, so presumably they were good people and their job in heaven is to get cheated cards on.
01:08:53
Speaker
Like that doesn't, Garrett, what did those people do that this has to be their heaven?
01:09:00
Speaker
All I'm saying is she had that conversation with the priest where she's like, I'll still, so I'll still see him in heaven. Mm-hmm. How, well then what did he drink? Would he drink a fucking Alka-Seltzer and foamed at the mouth?
01:09:13
Speaker
Well, I mean, presumably if he threw up real quick, it wouldn't kill him. i mean, like, right. He probably like, presumably he's fine. i just I'm saying that the ending they've presented me with doesn't make sense.
01:09:30
Speaker
And the way it is shot so specifically seems to me like they are in heaven. And it is an ending where it's like a little like we got into heaven, but we're still cheating. Okay. but You know what? Like where they're not good people still.
01:09:44
Speaker
Oh, that they cheated their way into heaven. kind of. Like they conned their way into heaven. Yeah. even though we explicitly know that he is a terrible con man. a bad Like, he's bad at lying, he's bad at reading signals, he's he's terrible at all of this.
01:10:01
Speaker
Garrett, I like your interpretation better. Because it does, it would explain why the bit with the gibbering priest makes no sense, comes out of absolutely nowhere, and it's like, did she did she hypnotize him?
01:10:17
Speaker
did she What did she do to this man? This man looks like he's Cthulhu. He has seen the true face of madness.
01:10:33
Speaker
But did did he as a priest, like, does priest have magic powers to, like, forgive her of her sins? and like yeah Yeah, Garrett, that's what a priest does.
01:10:45
Speaker
I know, but, like, she sucked that that out of him where she's now good to go to heaven. Oh, no. i I'm saying, like, I don't know any of that. All I'm saying is you cannot convince me, and I'm saying this with my whole chest, that that final scene was not shot to be heaven.
01:11:03
Speaker
And you know, Garrett, come to think of it, you can shoot the the extra bit of of the prison scene with the gibbering priest and not have to pay your expensive actors to come back for a reshoot.
01:11:13
Speaker
So, because we didn't see her in that scene. So if it was done as a reshoot to like give the movie a happier ending, that's plausible. Cheated on cards in heaven, they're still together. there And actually, that's kind of a more interesting ending.
01:11:32
Speaker
I agree, actually, because I thought it was a pretty cheap little cop-out that like, oh no, they're together in Morocco, happy, living as fugitives, even though we very explicitly made it clear that they would not be happy as fugitives.
01:11:47
Speaker
That like, he's not able to handle this. She hates the lifestyle of like there being rats in the house and wants to, you know, be living like the con lady dream.
01:11:58
Speaker
and And he sucks at cheating at cards. So like it doesn't make sense that they would be happy in Morocco living their sex fantasy and card cheating.
01:12:10
Speaker
It makes a lot more sense that it would happen in heaven. I was just blown away. Like from 2002 up until today, in my mind, if I've ever had to talk about this movie, that is how I described the ending. And that is how I remembered it.
01:12:27
Speaker
And then when I'm Googling it and see that literally nothing has said that, like it really felt like I got Mandela. effect Garrett, what if the unrated edition that you saw has it more?
01:12:45
Speaker
What if the know so someone would have mentioned that that was different and someone would have said that? I don't know. i Like that, that really blew my mind that no, nothing has mentioned that. Cause if that were the case, that would have even been in the Wikipedia article about it. Like alternate ending for the other cut.
01:13:04
Speaker
But yeah, i I'm like, I feel insane. This is a Berenstain Bernstein burn bear bears. Berenstainstein bears thing. yeah Yep. Yep. Yep. now fascinating so you know what in honor of Garrett's birthday we got several trips into Garrett's the teenage minds today and I think that's appropriate
01:13:27
Speaker
ah Garrett you ready oh yeah let's do it scale one to five were you aroused Yeah. Yeah. Like the the sex scenes in this are burned into my brain. Like this was, this was a naughty DVD to own at 15. I mean, you get to see, ah you don't get to see root.
01:13:51
Speaker
I don't think in the unrated version at least, but you do see a lot of Antonio Banderas, his butt and his beautiful bare chest.
01:14:03
Speaker
He's looking real good. Obviously Angelina Jolie looks gorgeous. Perfect. And you get to see two very good looking people having extremely acrobatic sex.
01:14:18
Speaker
As their spines protrude through their back like they're dinosaurs. It's just like in, um ah shoot, what's the one? ah Species. It's just like in Species where the spinies come out of the back.
01:14:35
Speaker
That might have actually been another deleted scene. They had to take out the... They were like, suddenly, tonally, this really isn't working anymore. Garrett, give it number.
01:14:47
Speaker
Unrated cut, I'm probably going to go five. They did tone it a little down little down on this one, so there's not as much sucking. um so So, the cut that I have been presented with, I will give a four.
01:15:00
Speaker
Okay. i i And I like watching them float on top of the water. That was pretty great. I have to confess that one was pretty excellent. um I will say having never seen the unrated edition so I don't have that, you know, lurking in the back of my brain. I'm only give this one a three and a half because i didn't feel like we got enough.
01:15:22
Speaker
I wanted to see some some Thomas Jane to like what we could have gotten more of him. We could have gotten sex. A side quest of him really getting in character fucking a guy. Yes, thank you.
01:15:33
Speaker
You know what, maybe here's a new theory for you. What if Thomas Jane's character is gay? He is just only straight for Angelina Jolie, which who could blame him?
01:15:45
Speaker
And so that's why he has this singular obsession with her is that she is the only woman he has ever wanted to fuck. Andy's just trying to come out of the closet to somebody and Antonio just won't acknowledge it.
01:15:59
Speaker
Even after you've kissed him, he won't respond. As subtle as a punch in the face. ah So yeah, I would go with three and a half.
01:16:13
Speaker
I think that's fair. All right. Were you thrilled? Hmm.
01:16:23
Speaker
It's going to be pretty low. I'm going to probably go to two and a half. I was thrilled by the horse. yeah
01:16:32
Speaker
I was shouting we with him. An 1800s roller coaster. It was definitely thrilling to see like how many different ways is Antonio Bendita is going to be.
01:16:46
Speaker
fucked over and lied to and how much can he believe like how much shit are you going to feed him that he's going to happily slurp up yes ma'am may I have enough he's just he's in the the the movie The Audition just eating vomit out of a bowl
01:17:07
Speaker
he would do it he drank rat poison for her were there any twists that got you that you didn't see coming in having not seen it before no law of conservation of characters made it pretty obvious that thomas jane was going to be her ex-boyfriend her lover boy <unk>s like four people in this movie it's like four people in this movie and it wasn't going to be his you know fat best friend um no it was pretty obvious uh that she was catfishing him that
01:17:42
Speaker
With the coffee. It was around the coffee where I was like, oh, wait a minute. And then the fact that she didn't want to write to her sister, that's about when it clicked for me that like, okay. cheeses cheese She's not who she says she is.
01:17:56
Speaker
um No, and other than the the twists were not all that hard to see coming. Mostly because the movie's like two hours long. So it spends a lot of time foreshadowing shit.
01:18:10
Speaker
So much. Like, we're like an hour in when he finally gets fucked over. Yeah. The first time. um ah You know what? I will say, didn't see Thomas Jane being still alive.
01:18:23
Speaker
That one, it actually got me when he got back up. I thought there was no blood because, you know, we were trying to make the MPAA happy. We were shooting for a PG-13 after the director like spent a week with two actors. is's like, I'm pretty sure she was sucking him off.
01:18:39
Speaker
Yeah.
01:18:42
Speaker
blood on the carpet and absolutely not they cut the MPAAs like this is it this is an NC-17 and he's like okay I'll make some cuts and they come back you're like what'd you change oh there's no blood in that scene see penetration back to the cutting room you stay there laughing laughing
01:19:13
Speaker
When we said cuts, we meant the fucking and sucking. You should have been more specific. Yeah, sorry. That's the day that they started making specific notes.
01:19:26
Speaker
um Okay, so ah yeah, i would I would give it a ah two um on the Thrill-O-Meter.
01:19:37
Speaker
um Okay. And Garrett. Would you ruin your life for Angelina Jolie in this movie? Yeah. I'd like to think that I wouldn't be so intimidated by her that I would just. garret Yes, you would. You liar. You lied now to yourself and to our good audience.
01:19:58
Speaker
How dare you? You would be so intimidated by her. Well, that's what I'm saying. I think I would be too intimidated by her to to ever do anything. And the relationship would never start. Like when she got off the boat, it'd be like, you're too hot.
01:20:11
Speaker
This is never going to work out. Oh, no, I'm not nearly rich enough to to balance out how hot you are. I'm not Antonio Bendettas. But in the fantasy version of me, who was willing to even try once.
01:20:25
Speaker
Um, yeah, for sure. Like, yeah, you're, you're going to ruin your life for her. Plus if I'm going off of what happened here, kind of a free ticket to heaven.
01:20:37
Speaker
This bitch is going to help con my way into heaven. uh, you know, I was an atheist most of my life, but I worked my way in with a hot little piece of con artist ass that, uh, got me right through the pearly gates and, and now I'm stealing imaginary money.
01:20:55
Speaker
It's really just for fun. There's no need for money here. You ever con Gandhi?
01:21:04
Speaker
It's surprisingly easy.
01:21:09
Speaker
Nobody questioned her baseball signals upstairs. No. It's they don't care. It's not real money. They're just letting him win because they're like, it makes them happy.
01:21:21
Speaker
i'm I'm just having a good time. kid Were you falling down this rabbit hole of red flags or what's happening? and Here's the thing. Of course I am.
01:21:35
Speaker
Yeah. She steps off the boat and she's so pretty and she's so obviously lying to me from Jump Street. From the second she opens her mouth, she's not actually that good of a liar because she's doing her weird attempt at an accent.
01:21:51
Speaker
It's not working. I know she's lying to me. I know she is conning me out of my money and I am drinking that goddamn rat poison. I just am. What do you want from me? Like, she's too, she's too pretty.
01:22:07
Speaker
100% ruining my life. I'm like, who's gonna rot? Who among us is strong enough of character? Who among us is is so not attracted to women at all?
01:22:20
Speaker
Like, you would have to be either an unbelievably straight woman or gay man to not want to have sex with Angelina Jolie so badly that you would ruin your life for her. Like, it's impossible.
01:22:35
Speaker
I don't think it exists. I don't think the Kinsey scale has a spot for will not ruin life for Angelina Jolie. I don't think it's on the scale. Because, I mean, right now we're in Lara Croft, Tomb Raider, Angelina Jolie. This is like, this is the beginning of her powers.
01:22:54
Speaker
I mean, listen, i like it's not my favorite Angelina look. I love, like, her in Hackers is 100% top of the line for me. I love that everything about her in that.
01:23:06
Speaker
But and my go am I going to kick her out of bed for eating crackers? I am not, sir. I will take her weird accent and all. And I will get spanked as she makes me lick the crackers off the sheets.
01:23:21
Speaker
Those rat poison infested crackers. That are sitting in a puddle of my own juices. Garrett, why? The thing is, I would be so
Antonio Banderas' Character Analysis
01:23:34
Speaker
insecure. And Antonio Banderas has no reason to be as insecure as either of us would be.
01:23:40
Speaker
Either of us would be worshipping at her feet because we know we are not worthy. Right? We are drinking that rat poison because we know there is no better option on this earth for us ever.
01:23:52
Speaker
Antonio should have a little more confidence. He should think more highly of himself than that. I think that once again, they have cast Antonio as someone who should have been cast with a less beautiful person.
01:24:08
Speaker
He kind of should have gone the route of Johnny Depp where Johnny Depp is in a constant state of wanting to look, look uglier. Yeah. yeah And maybe he needed a weird nose or like a scar on his face, like some fucked up teeth.
01:24:25
Speaker
But we have a perfect specimen of a man who's just like, I'm kind of shy and I need an ugly gal to make kids with. Yeah, and I just find that completely unbelievable. i He should be a little bit more ah confident in his ability to snag a woman.
01:24:45
Speaker
is If he had been a plain looking man, every single part of this movie would make perfect sense. Like, of course he's obsessed with her. Of course he, ah you know, is going to drink rat poison for her. But Antonio, come on, man.
01:25:00
Speaker
Give yourself some credit. You're very good looking. He just really needs a pep talk in his movies. mean, was Zorro a pud?
01:25:10
Speaker
Like, did Zorro have confidence? am I misremembering Zorro as well? Antonio, please, have you always thought of so little of yourself? Great with a sword, shy with his dick.
01:25:26
Speaker
No, he's not.
01:25:29
Speaker
Go straight for Catherine Zeta-Jones, and he is not shy about it. cuts her clothes off in that scene like i'm so sorry let me put them back together and i was like now he's like sewing a dress and he's like i know i'm such a piece of shit i'm so sorry do you want me to drink it on me you want me to be a stool for you to put your feet on you know what maybe that's just like his thing and you know what we're not gonna judge we don't just wants to be degraded a little and you know what more power to you man Don't drink rat poison.
01:26:01
Speaker
um That's, that ah you know, as far as your kink may go, don't go don't go that far. I feel a little degraded having watched this, to be honest. This one was, I don't want to say it wasn't a fun watch. Like, do you what do you like now we're to do we recommend this?
Final Thoughts and Recommendations
01:26:17
Speaker
Is this a fun movie to watch with some friends?
01:26:22
Speaker
Oh. think kinda. Kinda. Listen, get the unrated edition so that you can, you know, treat yourself if you can. um And there are bits that are boring, you know, where everyone's got their clothes on and it's it's taken its dear sweet time to do anything. But the dialogue still sucks and is kind of funny in those parts.
01:26:45
Speaker
but That's true. It just... But at the same time, it's bad so consistently that like the the real gems ah are harder to to to pop out at you. 100%. That is absolutely the problem with this movie.
01:27:02
Speaker
is is it It has a consistent level of badness, so it doesn't give you the thrill ride of the ups and downs of of a true, grotesquely bad movie.
01:27:15
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. No, I think that's, I think that's right. I think, i don't know. Check it out if you want. We've watched better, bad movies. you want to watch it and just like fast forward to, you know, through some of the boring bits and get to the good stuff, we won't judge you.
01:27:29
Speaker
Yeah. Watch that unrated cut. Let us know in the comments if you thought they, uh, they really mash parts in that. Yeah, and also, do you agree with Garrett's interpretation that they are supposed to be in heaven at the end? and Please let me know I'm not the only person who thought that when they were 15. Please,
01:27:49
Speaker
as a birthday gift to me, say in the comments, leave a review, say they definitely were cheating on cards in heaven.
01:28:00
Speaker
As a little special gift to our boy Garrett. everybody. Thank you for listening. This was a weird one.
01:28:10
Speaker
i don't know. Rate, review, subscribe but at eroticthrillerclub on Instagram or eroticthrillerclub at gmail.com. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, want to send me theories, emails about heaven.
01:28:27
Speaker
Tell a friend, tell an enemy, tell one of your many, many lovers. You do you.
01:28:34
Speaker
As always, thank you for listening. We love you. Wet your snails. Ride your time traveling horse. We want to shake you naked
01:28:52
Speaker
God damn it, Karen. We can't do that every time.