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Fleshtone (1994)
84 Plays3 months ago
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club we cover the worst movie we've watched so far. Have you ever had a dumb dumb friend that thinks the stripper really likes them? Fleshtone is that. Phone sex, bad fight choreography, butler paintings, a halved woman! This one really has something for everyone... or no one. Take a trip back to 3 am 1994 Cinemax with us!
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, some watercolors, a noose, and gather around your radio. It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.
Summary of 'Fleshtone'
00:01:05
Speaker
You make morbid paintings. You're successful, but sad. And also the biggest effing dumb, dumb loser on the planet. You fall in love with a girl on a phone sex hotline.
00:01:17
Speaker
Get catfished. Get framed for murder. But also get a little piece of ass. Come on a journey with us that disproves that anything can sound smart with a British accent. This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, Fleshtone.
Three Essential Questions of the Genre
00:01:33
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. but as always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here. And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions.
00:01:44
Speaker
Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would I ruin my life for this person? I hate this movie, Kit. I do, too.
Critique of the Film's Effort and Content
00:01:55
Speaker
I know some of our listeners want to watch the movie first before they watch our you know they listen to our episode. Don't. Don't. I'm sorry if you already did. I'm so, so, so, so sorry, but please don't.
00:02:08
Speaker
This movie might make some people nostalgic for a time before internet pornography, where you had to sit through a whole movie on Cinemax and listen to it in hopes to eventually see some nudity to get you to where you need to be.
00:02:28
Speaker
That sucks. That really sucks. It sucks, too, that movies like this, they just put so little effort into anything in between the nudity.
00:02:39
Speaker
What are you talking They gave you all those beautiful butler paintings, Garrett. Clearly some real love and effort was put into those.
Character Analysis: The Morbid Artist
00:02:50
Speaker
Okay, let's just hop into this.
00:02:53
Speaker
our lead in this movie. And this is actually why I, this is why I ended up choosing the movie. Like a lot of the time with these movies, I'm just scouring lists and looking at different things until something captures my imagination.
00:03:10
Speaker
And there was one description of this movie or the plot synopsis that as I was reading it, described him as an artist, uh, who painted photos of himself committing suicide.
00:03:25
Speaker
And though he was successful, he still wasn't happy. And that made me laugh that the man who, whose entire life work is painting photos of himself, sad, isn't happy, but that isn't all he paints kit. He has a series of paintings that,
00:03:46
Speaker
that come off as regular. But once you talk to him and find out what the person in the painting is thinking or looking at that you, the viewer can't see, um you would have never interpreted that art correctly. And these are not super abstract paintings. You don't like the idea that, that this man is going to stand here and tell you what this painting is really about when it is not,
00:04:13
Speaker
It's either super obvious, yes, it is a butler who is looking at a lady, thank you for telling me, sir, or it's something you would never, ever interpret that way, such as ah the the more she is unavailable to him, the more aroused he gets.
00:04:32
Speaker
I didn't read that. No, and this is his whole butler series. We're at his art show. His paintings are expensive. And because of his accent and that he is the artist, there are attractive women coming up to him saying, oh, I like your butler painting.
00:04:49
Speaker
But he'll that he say something. He doesn't want her or something. Like, he totally brushes that woman off to go then instead ah talk to a lady from an ad in ah a...
00:05:01
Speaker
oh ye olde porno newspaper thing this is the thing that used to exist i guess oh for sure there used to be i mean i mean i think a lot of it would have been in the back of you know like nudie mags but i'm sure that in bigger cities there was like you know the the newspaper box that you could go pull the free smut paper out of that had stuff like this what a beautiful time Can we describe the man that we got to tell everybody that the star of this movie is Martin Kemp, who was the vampire and embrace of the vampire.
Martin Kemp's Role and Realism
00:05:40
Speaker
And he did not get any less pathetic. Did he? No, no. i think though that this genre for him, because you said he was in a British band that had a hit. We remember. And I, yeah I already don't remember what band.
00:05:59
Speaker
Nope. Me neither. Forgot about it entirely. Like, sucks. He's not good at this. However, if I had to be, you know, slaving away for the man at a nine to five at my desk, or I could make...
00:06:18
Speaker
these meaningless movies where I'm an attractive man who pretends to do sex for a living. i guess that's bad. I mean, does he make enough money from this that like it, you know, you're financially stable for say six months.
00:06:37
Speaker
I don't know. They were, I'm, I'm looking them up now, uh, to remind myself spando ballet. They did, uh, do live aid So they must've been somebody. He was there.
00:06:53
Speaker
was there. You sang the song and I remember absolutely not believing you. Cause I did see that flesh tone is a type of electronic, like synthy pop music as well. So I didn't know if the title came from like, Oh, this is the guy from that I don't know. Cause I mean, tone, like a dial tone, flesh, like murder.
00:07:16
Speaker
and sex, flesh tone, like painting. This title has layers. Layers. More layers than one of his paintings that he had to paint over.
00:07:27
Speaker
i this This man, to describe the way he looks, he looks like this feels, I don't know, I don't know how much I want to say what about to say.
00:07:40
Speaker
He feels like a school shooter all grown up. oh no but you're right though he's dressed like neo from the matrix for this whole movie yeah he definitely thinks that long trench coat is working for him it isn't he is he literally looks like a guy i went to school with that did get suspended for threatening to shoot up the school yeah yeah you could see this guy like carrying a knife with him at all times and you're like why that's not for work
00:08:15
Speaker
He's not deep. He's an idiot. He's sad um Kit, at one point towards the beginning of this movie, I had to pause for five minutes while I alone laughed uncontrollably and had to choke out the words out loud to no one.
00:08:35
Speaker
What a loser. I would love to know at which which exact scene. that um that overwhelmed you because i had a very similar moment let's see if we were in the first little bit of this movie i mean i'm sure it was it was a hundred percent during the first phone sex call that's when because mine was when he started playing the guitar in the alley sitting on a heap of trash He's very talented. He can do multiple things. He's, yeah. that No, well, that was pretty loser-y too.
00:09:12
Speaker
But yeah, he has the art show. We're introduced to, this is important, we gotta say his two friends. One is an old British posh man whose job is, he's fancy and rich, I think. His other friend is the most dipshit, like,
00:09:34
Speaker
mean bar owner yeah which he named after himself that being said the guy who i thought was meanest is the only person who's if this is his only friend he hits this man with a level of honesty that he requires yes he needs this man in his life and he should listen to him more because this guy is brutal and and We have to talk about the butler fetish thing because it keeps coming back. He asks this friend. This is one of the ones that... So he's imagining what he could do with this beautiful woman, he assumes, ah that he has been having phone sex with. And he's like, what if we had ah dinner date next to the Hollywood sign and you were like dressed as a waiter
00:10:31
Speaker
but i And you just served us as we sit here out in the in the middle of the night outside next to the Hollywood sign. And you just like poured champagne for us.
00:10:44
Speaker
And also me and her, we wouldn't talk either because his fantasy is so stupid. It's a silent dinner for every everyone.
00:10:54
Speaker
That being said, like this is stupid. But from his friend's perspective, he is going to get paid in one of these paintings that presumably is worth thousands of dollars now.
00:11:05
Speaker
This man owns a bar. He doesn't need your money. He doesn't need your painting money. Well, didn't the posh rich man say like... Not nearly as much as he needs your dignity. He needs a new fucking friend is what he needs, the bar owner. But...
00:11:19
Speaker
Sometimes you end up with somebody that it's like you picked up a stray dog along the way. This is your stray dog and it is your responsibility regardless of how you feel.
00:11:33
Speaker
Yeah. But did my stray dog have to be this pathetic? And Garrett, you know that I own a really pathetic dog, but like, this is a new level of pathetic.
00:11:45
Speaker
Oh yeah. This guy, i have a stray cat that we, that we've had for years. And i think this guy pisses on the rug more.
Absurdity of Characters and Plot
00:11:59
Speaker
You know what? Good point. Yeah. ah We found a stray dog ah that had an ear infection and some swelling in his brain. And that dog fell over all the time and walked into walls and That dog is less pathetic than this man.
00:12:19
Speaker
This man metaphorically walks into a... Like, this is a guy who you constantly walk in and he is metaphorically eating his own shit.
00:12:31
Speaker
Like, he is...
00:12:35
Speaker
He has his ah his art show. He goes and mopes around l a has a really hilarious, sad little walk where he makes eye contact with people who make eye contact back and their eyes shout, what a sad loser.
00:12:50
Speaker
And and he takes the sex paper off another table that has just left Sees the, let's see.
00:13:01
Speaker
Let me read ad. Oh, please read the ad. Because that he reads a lot into this ad. Folks, the amount this man reads into this ad he he belong he needs to be institutionalized.
00:13:16
Speaker
you There's poetic license, and then there's whatever he's doing. He fills in a lot of blanks in his brain here. The ad in the paper says, very private.
00:13:29
Speaker
Basically shy and lonely young woman who understands the pain of love lost seeks to share erotic fantasies. Sometimes it's better with a stranger. Please call Edna.
00:13:43
Speaker
Mm hmm. Please call Edna. My grandma's friend. I have to call my grandma's friend a to jerk off on the phone. And then we find out Edna's from Kansas City Mo.
00:13:57
Speaker
and Where they still name people Edna, I guess. that That is, that I mean, i don't know. well Kansas City's, a you know, I think a little hipper now than it was in 1994. I didn't mean for us to do two 1994 movies back to back.
00:14:12
Speaker
What a year. What a stellar year that had this movie in it. Yeah.
00:14:21
Speaker
This conversation, though, when he calls this woman is insane. Even if you're a phone sex worker, you would. I mean, I guess you wouldn't hang up because you're getting the money. Like this is an 800 number, though. It's not a 900 number.
00:14:37
Speaker
So I don't know how this even works. I don't think he's getting. He says he's getting charged, but he didn't have to. No, he says he's not getting charged. that She never asked for money. That this is real love.
00:14:50
Speaker
This woman would have been getting calls day and night. This is like when that rapper Mike Jones put his phone number in one of his songs and was just taking phone calls from fans all day.
00:15:01
Speaker
You can't tell me that you're not getting a dozen of these guys every an hour calling you. Well, only he truly understood the deeper meaning of her message, which is that she Please say.
00:15:16
Speaker
Um... Obsessed with the ecstasy of sex and death, I believe. Something along those lines. I thought maybe I understood your message.
00:15:29
Speaker
And she says, what's that? He says, we have the same kind of imagination. Wild, dangerous, dark, romantic. Something to do with ecstasy and death.
00:15:40
Speaker
Pain, desire. And then she's like, who are you?
00:15:47
Speaker
I told you my name is Matt. Oh my God. did. Yeah, man. You deciphered the code. You read, call this number to come. To jerk it. but Call it to jerk it.
00:16:01
Speaker
And then he doesn't. That's the wildest thing is like, they show a little montage of them talking and he's gesturing wildly while on the phone. And I'm like, are you gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna jerk.
00:16:14
Speaker
you gonna jerk it, buddy. but yeah I know a lot of these lines, you know, is like, or just kind of for if you're lonely, you know, it doesn't have to always be sex.
00:16:25
Speaker
But her side was absolutely sex because she's describing I'm a medium size, hot, blonde, big tits. And we're getting a montage of just hot, naked lady masturbating. Yeah, yeah.
00:16:40
Speaker
that's the really fun part is that we get to see his imagination of what's happening and the fact that he believes any of this shows what an absolute tool he is she's like yes when i was taking the pictures for to send to you i had my friend come over and she's a real bad girl and we were both so drunk and she just started to to to to touch me and wow, I've never done anything like this before. And I'm like, geez, you just read this out of the back of porno maggot.
00:17:19
Speaker
Like this is not, Oh, That being said, we get to watch this whole scene as he's hearing it. And his reaction is like, really? Yes, sir. Wow. Really? this And Kit, she isn't just a bad girl. She's an alcoholic, suicidal prostitute.
00:17:37
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Her friend, I mean. Sometimes you have friend. Her friend. Her wink, wink. friend is an alcoholic suicidal prostitute. um The one that really got me though was when she says, I got your picture, you know, of you naked that you sent to me and I put it in the visor of my car.
00:17:58
Speaker
And then I drove really fast wearing only coat. And i ah you know, started driving down this country road dangerously fast, touching myself.
00:18:13
Speaker
And I'm like, rose yeah play no where I touch myself, thinking about your pasty white body.
00:18:27
Speaker
Kansas City. yeah
00:18:33
Speaker
It's so stupid. It's so bad. The fact that he believes this for even half a second when it is so clearly designed to be a man's fantasy. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's a real thing that a woman definitely did while looking at my body.
00:18:51
Speaker
Fuck you She wouldn't have done that if it was Brad Pitt's naked body.
Failures in Dialogue and Believability
00:18:59
Speaker
And the whole time he's hearing this and just, you're seeing footage of this woman like spliced over the top of him, just sitting in a chair. Like, wow, yeah crazy.
00:19:11
Speaker
um He's sitting there in his tighty whiteys and you know, like some guys will stuff a sock in their pants to make it the bulge look better. I'm pretty sure he did stuff his tighty whiteys, but only in the balls.
00:19:25
Speaker
Like it was important for this man to show me he had enormous balls.
00:19:34
Speaker
Yeah. So as they talk and they start to discuss his paintings, you know, his small talk with a woman is I'm obsessed with serial killers. I used to draw portraits of the Bundy killings. Black Dahlia. Yeah.
00:19:52
Speaker
And she said, well, can you paint me? And you know, she has sent photos. We have seen nude photos of this woman. Oh no, he had already painted her. He did not wait for consent.
00:20:03
Speaker
He took that picture, blew it up big onto a canvas and then painted her and then told her about it. And she was like, oh, that's so hot.
00:20:13
Speaker
But can you change it in a way that we won't specify until later in the movie?
00:20:22
Speaker
it's pretty obvious and the whole time in between all of these meetings he's meeting with his buddy at the bar who's just like why are you this is insane what you're doing is dumb i mean have you ever had a friend who has fallen in love with the stripper fallen and thought the waitress at hooters loved him or her whatever you know like I have definitely run into this where it is an awkward conversation to be like, I'm sorry the go-go dancer doesn't love you.
00:20:58
Speaker
the The fact that he doesn't even realize he's probably not the only one she's talked to. That she she feeds him the line about like, oh, I did it on a dare with my girlfriends while we were in LA, but I'm not that type of girl.
00:21:15
Speaker
ha ha ha ha.
00:21:18
Speaker
Hey, I actually did speak. You know, everybody's goingnna like, what a fucking loser. i did have a Hooters waitress get weird with me once.
00:21:29
Speaker
I will tell you So we went to the same Hooters very regularly in l LA because, well, didn't have cable.
00:21:40
Speaker
I needed a place to watch sports. They opened a Buffalo Wild Wings around the corner from this Hooters. So this Hooters was always empty.
00:21:50
Speaker
always had all you can eat wings and they would put anything you wanted on any television because there was no one else in there. So I could go have big TV for sports to myself, unlimited wings. The entire time I sat there watching one game and ah just the place to myself. So we, we often went there and I did once have a server who came over and said, Hey,
00:22:19
Speaker
She wasn't even my server, Kit. I remember her name even. Her name was Felix. Interesting. also sounds made up. Yeah. I was with my girlfriend and she said, hey, I saw you the other day at the Burbank Mall and I followed you around for a while and I really wanted to talk to you, but I saw that you were with a ah another lady, ah so I didn't.
00:22:49
Speaker
Garrett are you sure are you a hundred per percent sure that this woman is not a ghoul because this sounds remarkably like body double
00:23:01
Speaker
now that you say it her face did look like it was made of rubber very pale and actually at one point she tried to hand me something and my hand just passed straight
00:23:18
Speaker
This Hooters has been abandoned for years, Mr. Calendar.
00:23:25
Speaker
You were just in there watching ah nothing. and ah you That's why you always ah seem to remember the games differently than everyone who watched it at the Buffalo Wild Wings.
00:23:39
Speaker
Somebody walking by this dark Hooters, me just cheering.
00:23:45
Speaker
As I'm looking, there were a shocking amount of people dancing in ball gowns. What the hell? How odd. Your money's no good here, Mr. Calendar. And the wings, they never stop.
00:23:58
Speaker
Endless. Endless wings. Come eat wings with us, Garrett. But no, I never ended up with... a with old felix i hope she's though but leah did think it was super weird that she came and said that to me in front of leah yeah the fact that she was like i followed you at a at a mall but didn't want to talk to you because you were with a lady i'll just come talk to you while you're with a lady right now at my work
00:24:30
Speaker
We were a little concerned that Leah might get poisoned, but yeah also it was Hooters. So it's hard to say, was it Felix? Was it just the quality of the food? no food Yeah. There's never, yeah there's no way to know.
00:24:43
Speaker
Have you ever had phone sex? um I had a long distance boyfriend ah when I went off to college for the first time. So yes, ah we definitely, ah you know, had had sexy chats via the phone quite a bit.
00:25:03
Speaker
But that was but someone i already knew. it was not with some lady named Edna in Kansas City. Yeah, same. I've never i've never done that. And my dorm room didn't have good cell reception, so there was only one corner.
00:25:17
Speaker
So I really had to like Blair Witch myself. In order to have phone sex in my freshman year, I had to Blair Witch myself against my desk.
Garrett's College Anecdote
00:25:26
Speaker
And I remember the first time as it was happening, it was just like, oh no, there's no tissues. There's nowhere for this to happen.
00:25:33
Speaker
Folks, clean your desks when you get to college. There's no talk... There was nowhere to go. What am I supposed to do? Garrett, please tell me at at least one point someone, some roommate walked in on you while you were standing in the
00:25:56
Speaker
No, that did not happen. Ugh. shame shame shame yeah it's just like what's happening i think i was possessed by a witch don't worry about it mind mind your business
00:26:11
Speaker
so anyway he's such a unique special snowflake because he's obsessed with true crime unlike everyone else and he thinks about the end of the world no one else does that you're such a special unique snowflake uh
00:26:28
Speaker
And yeah, so he changes the painting because it's he puts a sheet over whatever he's done to change it. so that And it it's real bad looking.
00:26:40
Speaker
But anyway, she says she's coming to town. So he's so excited. yeah it becomes for ah a few scenes a real will they, won't they as she cancels, uncancels, cancels, uncancels.
00:26:52
Speaker
Yeah, and he's dusted his hippo skull and everything. So you know he's really looking forward to this. where His room was pathetic. like His room was the most set-y set that's ever set in a film.
00:27:07
Speaker
It was just a bed, a lamp, a guitar, ah rug. But then you're right. A guest had a studio with a hippo skull. Those aren't cheap. Yeah, and I couldn't tell if these were- I think they were the same space.
00:27:21
Speaker
So, like, this man owns a really nice car. A fucking $9,000 hippo skull. Right? But also dresses purely in white tank tops and tighty-whities. Owns, like, the world's tiniest refrigerator.
00:27:40
Speaker
Doesn't use a drop cloth, so he does not give a shit about these floors. Um... and has a single mattress on the floor not even a double he can't just a single mattress on the floor well he's a lanky thin man he doesn't have company but like he probably sleeps with his arms or like like a dracula he does he's not even a vampire in this movie and that's how he sleeps ah But yeah, like he can afford the fancy car, Garrett. He sells very expensive paintings.
00:28:18
Speaker
Buy yourself a goddamn bed. No wonder you're depressed.
00:28:24
Speaker
I don't know. I mean, I didn't have a frame for a while and it was just a mattress on the floor. I think that- Was it a single mattress? No, it was it was a king. There you go. Now you're living large.
00:28:41
Speaker
Yeah, I don't know. I think, I'll be honest, I think that sometimes... He buys special lighting so that he can have little spotlights on all of his paintings and and the hippo skull, but he can't afford a double mattress, like a full-size mattress. He can, he doesn't care. I'm saying, I think...
00:29:03
Speaker
that certain people put too much
00:29:08
Speaker
into their thought into just a bed frame. I think that you, for you mentally, the mattress not being on the floor does more for you than it does for a lot of guys.
00:29:20
Speaker
But maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. Maybe, maybe if it were raised up a little bit, Sadness rises to the bottom. It lifts you a little above the sadness that hovers and stinks up the floor.
00:29:32
Speaker
Yes, sadness ah is a heavy thing that that sinks to the ground and you need to put yourself up above it. I'm just saying maybe if he if he treated himself a little bit better, you know.
00:29:48
Speaker
Let's just get to where after a couple will they won't the days. he gets a call middle of the night. Have to do describe when he, what he asks his buddy to do when he goes to the airport and he's like, I need you my best friend to dress up as my limo driver. When I pick up this girl.
00:30:09
Speaker
This poor fucking guy. the I mean, he's probably at this rate, though, gotten $10,000 worth of paintings for dressing as a butler once in a fantasy and once for real to go to the airport.
00:30:21
Speaker
I hope he still got the painting that she didn't show up. i Right? Yeah, she stands him up at the airport, which is ice fucking cold. And he got his response to it is to go play guitar in the alley, sitting on literal trash.
00:30:36
Speaker
And that was where I died. i could not I just started cackling.
00:30:44
Speaker
What point did, because it sounded like ah John had the same reaction I did of what a fucking loser. When did he say it? That was then. That was then. And then we decided that we were going to write his own. ah We would write the song that he's s singing, singing ah which went something like E is for Edna.
00:31:05
Speaker
is for dang it. an is for not showing up at the airport. a is for airport.
00:31:20
Speaker
An absolute disappointment. and beautiful thank you i think that he would have thrown in a little more i do like that i think that somewhere in there and a serial killer reference or a dismemberment or something something icky and macabre but would queen his for maybe that d is for decapitation there you go
00:31:48
Speaker
But yeah, eventually she calls and apologizes. My totally real friend that I didn't make up is dead. That's why i didn't I didn't come. My rich friend is dead and and or my not my rich my my prostitute.
00:32:08
Speaker
alcoholic alcoholic best friend uh who was dating a rich guy is is committed suicide or maybe murdered i don't know it's in all the papers though and his buddy is like can you can you just fucking look this bitch up i was so not ready for this when his friend is just like hey why don't you get to that part of every erotic thriller where you get to be a detective.
00:32:37
Speaker
I never, there's never been a character I've wanted to see do detective work less kit. um Do detective work all day. i would even go back and watch Steven Weber fall into some detective work and single white female.
00:32:51
Speaker
I don't want to see this man do detective work. I hate him. He sucks. I, this is such a depressing lead character that I've been following for 40 minutes.
00:33:03
Speaker
Yeah, he's very hateable. um And, you know, it turns out that he he calls, like, the Kansas City Police Department and none of this shit's real.
00:33:18
Speaker
None of it. All the stuff she said about her dead friend, it's not real. um Which I was ah thinking, wouldn't it be hilarious if she did not, in fact, lie to
Plot Twist and Climax Discussion
00:33:29
Speaker
him? Every single thing she said was true. He just called the Kansas City, Kansas Police Department instead of the Kansas city missouri Police Department.
00:33:38
Speaker
Common mistake. Easy mistake to make. And yeah, so ah if he had just called the right Kansas City, they would have like, absolutely. This is in all of the newspapers. It's a horrible, tragic story.
00:33:54
Speaker
That actually would have been a better twist than anything else that happened in this movie. That would be such a funny little... It's like, yeah, a river separates them.
00:34:07
Speaker
That's a better movie. But yeah, yeah so she eventually calls, says she's coming. She calls when she's there. I'm here. I'm at a motel waiting for you, just like in the painting. And you're like, okay, well, I guess whatever weird thing she wanted done to the painting...
00:34:24
Speaker
is going to be what he finds. And yep, she has been sawed in half like a lady in a a magic show. Yep.
00:34:35
Speaker
That was a little bit of a shock when that pulled back. I mean, I was expecting some sort of violence, but not a perfect having. Yes.
00:34:46
Speaker
Yes. Which is weird considering there's no blood and no other marks on her body. I'm not sure why, how this was. I think they said that in the news, it said she was drained of her blood. Like effort was put into this.
00:35:02
Speaker
Serious effort was put into it. Like they can use those sheets again and will. Oh, they absolutely will. 100%. Not a drop. Yeah, hotel sheets are scary.
00:35:14
Speaker
And this is why the ghost of a halved woman has been in your sheets. I mean, she wasn't killed there. She was clearly moved there later.
00:35:24
Speaker
So, like, it's not a big deal, right? But after he pulls the sheets and this woman's been halved, two men come out of the bathroom, one holding a syringe, and we get into the craziest choreographed fight I've ever seen. Not even, because it gets crazier later with the choreographed fights. Please describe. Please describe.
00:35:49
Speaker
Well, anytime there's sex in this movie or violence, we hit the slow-mo. Because if you hit the slow-mo, then maybe that helps explain... why this happened guy charges him with the syringe he moves to the left like that's it he moves he moves to the side and the guy accidentally syringes his buddy yeah he runs he runs out the door this man now pulls a switchblade and what is an amazing shot where the man's arms if the movie were in 3d the switchblade would have flicked right at your nose oh
00:36:29
Speaker
And yeah, another poor scuffle in a driveway. And of course, when something like this happens, the first place you should go is your friend's bar.
00:36:41
Speaker
Yeah, no calling the police. Even his friend at this point has given the worst advice he's given the whole movie, which is, yeah, definitely don't get mixed up in the police on this one. Yeah. For whatever reasons, because as they're watching the news, it pops up that this body has been found.
00:36:59
Speaker
And they're looking for him. For him. But the person that he found dead in the bed was a important government person.
00:37:12
Speaker
She's Margaret Peel, not Edna, an activist against ah illegal arms deals in the Middle East. So I'm thinking Oliver North murdered her.
00:37:25
Speaker
is that is that what I'm I'm getting from this? So the woman that he came upon is not super different from the woman from his fantasies. However, the most attractive government official I've ever seen.
00:37:40
Speaker
Yeah. yeah Oh, gorgeous. I mean, like, and it is the lady from the pictures, which is weird. They never bothered to explain how he got pictures of this woman naked. Like, like why this woman had naked pictures.
00:37:56
Speaker
we don't We don't need to worry about it. Yeah, all of the dialogue is getting in the way of nudity. Like, this is why I'm saying, like, you're up at three in the morning watching Cinemax. This is the only option you have for visual pleasure.
00:38:11
Speaker
I hate this for you that you have to sit through all of this plot and dialogue. Kit, you and i truly should write a movie of this quality, but I think we can elevate it.
00:38:22
Speaker
I don't think it would have taken that much to just make it not suck a little. Right? Like, just put in my bit about it being Kansas City, ah Missouri versus Kansas City, Kansas.
00:38:35
Speaker
End on a big laugh there. Like, that's a great, like... Everybody got to masturbate and that, at the end, they're like, oh you got... You son of a bitch.
00:38:47
Speaker
You got me. No, instead, there's like, ah he's like, oh, no. Okay, so that dead person definitely isn't the same person I've been talking to. That Edna has set me up.
00:38:59
Speaker
This is all some big conspiracy that all started with an ad in a sex newspaper because that makes a whole lot of sense. um And and then next thing you know, he's like, I got to go find her. I got to go find the real Edna.
00:39:15
Speaker
in Kansas City. so Where he has been recording his calls at this point, too. Yes. ah because On advice from his buddy, buddy. ah And
00:39:30
Speaker
this wanted criminal whose face is on the news just gets on a plane. Dressed as Neo from The Matrix. Pre-9-11 was so weird. Apparently they would just let anyone on a plane. They did not care.
00:39:46
Speaker
Yeah, he actually showed used his wanted photo as an ID for security.
00:39:52
Speaker
When we see him on the plane, I've never been happier that someone got stuck with a metal seat than him.
00:40:03
Speaker
Yes. I hate i hate him. I hate him. And that's like a four hour flight. That sucks. And he's just sitting there listening to his tapes. His... Yeah, he's just listening to the same phone conversation with her over and over again. And it's not even one of the really sexy ones. It's one of the ones where she's like apologizing for not having shown up.
00:40:27
Speaker
The scene where we now are in Kansas City, he knows where she works because she works at this boutique. He recognizes her voice. So he goes in This scene is very aggressive, Kit.
00:40:41
Speaker
Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. he He sees this redheaded woman and he's like, she lied about being a redhead? What else has she lied to me about?
00:40:54
Speaker
She said she was blonde. Yeah, he gets there and I mean, he immediately is like, bitch, I have a gun. Get in the back. i am going to ask you questions and fucking kill you.
00:41:06
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. He goes straight for, and she's like, what, just cause I didn't go to l la That's not cool. And he's like, a phone sex operator. Leave me alone. me and the the woman, I would say like visually, like kind of Molly Ringwald type. She's got like the, the short red hair.
00:41:25
Speaker
um but like an edgier Molly Ringwald, like Molly Ringwald after she, she, you know, had, you know, one or two ah fucks in a back alley where she did a little heroin.
00:41:38
Speaker
That's how you saw this woman? Did she not look like she'd done heroin to you? just thought she looked like a lady. yeah No.
00:41:49
Speaker
I don't think she's a heroin addict. But she's tried. She's tried it. She's had a little dabble. and Yeah. Okay, so as he chases this woman through the hotel into the garage.
00:42:03
Speaker
And first of all, terrible instincts on her part. You ran out of the crowded place that has security guards to the empty parking garage.
00:42:15
Speaker
You are a moron. This scene... broke my brain in a couple ways. So they scuffle next to her cool red muscle car. She's parked like shit, by the way.
00:42:27
Speaker
yeah like yeah She is parked in a way that no one can park next to where it sucks. She's on the ground and sees that there's a bomb under her car. So they're both like, oh shit, we got to get out of here.
00:42:38
Speaker
So they go to her other car. She's got two cars in the parking garage. It's like a delivery van, i guess for her. She says the delivery van.
00:42:50
Speaker
and i Which is also parked like shit. Which is also parked like shit. And I don't know why she would need a delivery van. She works in a little boutique in attached to a hotel. Like, she ain't making deliveries. What are you talking about?
00:43:05
Speaker
This van is not a... It's not like a big white, like... No. its Get some candy and come in this van with me. This is like a family van.
Absurd Chase and Plane Scene
00:43:14
Speaker
Yes. This is like a deluxe family van that has a TV in the back for the kids to watch so that they don't bother you on your way to wherever. the Grand Canyon.
00:43:24
Speaker
Yes. It And she's so chill, by the way. She's just like, wait a minute, there's a bomb under my car. Never mind. Even though you've been trying to kill me and I cut your face with a straight razor, I guess, that I just happen to keep in my purse at all times for just such an occasion.
00:43:43
Speaker
ah Now I'm on your side. We're running away together. They go to they get a hotel room. Nope, nope, nope. They go to oh they' her boyfriend's house. house They go to her boyfriend's house. He is so quickly able to charm her for reasons.
00:44:03
Speaker
And keep in mind, there is now a bomb in a public place and they fuck for about an hour. Yeah, and then she's like, oh, I guess I should call the police and tell them that there's a bomb under the car.
00:44:16
Speaker
ah But first, we have to have sex. She says, listen, I was just paid to have phone sex with you. i Like, I don't know anything about any murders.
00:44:31
Speaker
i but I was just doing a job. And he's like, but were you? What parts of it were real? And she's like, aren't you trying? Like, aren't people trying to frame you for murder and or kill you?
00:44:44
Speaker
Like, why is your main concern how much I really got off during our phone sex conversations? Because he's an idiot! He's an idiot loser!
00:44:57
Speaker
He's an idiot loser who needs somebody to like him. i can't, I don't feel like we've expressed enough just how truly lame, pathetic,
00:45:08
Speaker
and sad this man is and i don't mean in a lovable kind of way he's not an eeyore type sad where you just want to scoop him up and give him a hug he's sad in the way that makes you want to kick him and i mean his friend does you know his friend his friend gives him tough love every day it doesn't seem to be helping No, no.
00:45:37
Speaker
i hate everything that happened. because because So we know that this lady has been paid to do all this. I hope you don't need anything explained for the rest of the movie as to the why of it all.
00:45:50
Speaker
You're not going to get it. Because you don't get Was it the mob? Was it the cops? Was it the FBI? Was it um Oliver North? We don't know. it doesn't matter.
00:46:02
Speaker
Okay? You're not going to find out. ah Yeah, he's like, once he knows this woman is a hooker, and he's still, his main concern in all of this is not who is doing this to me, or why, who is this poor lady that was murdered, and why did they, no, it's all about like, do you really like me?
00:46:26
Speaker
And the answer is no, but she still her. No, but I'll have sex with you anyway, Yeah.
00:46:33
Speaker
Which just goes to show that a British accent can go long way, Garrett. oh ah Such a long way. Such a long way. I love this. they They go to... They're like, okay, now that we've called in the bomb, let's have sex one more time.
00:46:46
Speaker
Find her boyfriend... Yeah, but they have sex in the bathroom. And then they move to the bed, and it's all in super janky slow-mo. I cannot explain to you how janky this slow-mo looks. It was clearly not shot for slow-mo. They decided after the fact that, like, no, you really... We didn't get enough shots of boobs or something, so we gotta stretch it out.
00:47:13
Speaker
And the stretching out that they're giving me is just kissing and k necking and kissing and necking. And we just watched Color of Night where Bruce Willis is getting down and we wanted more.
00:47:26
Speaker
This I wanted so much less. I would have taken no nudity in the whole movie if it would just make this go away.
00:47:36
Speaker
I just didn't want him to have sexual gratification, I think. I think I wanted him to forever be blue balls. ah And then the the you music is like elevator music with a lady going like, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:47:53
Speaker
It's so bad. the music in this movie is really funny because it'll go between noir-ish music, sad music, and like at the beginning, we just see him by a time.
00:48:06
Speaker
The beginning where he's by the tree with the news taking a picture of himself, ah it was like something out of a David Lynch movie, the music. It was 100% David Lynch, and then it cuts to him painting, and we're in like full synthy jazzy.
00:48:21
Speaker
It literally sounds like they ripped off the Beverly Hills Cop Axel F. theme. yes yes at 100 is like how much can we change actual f and still use it yeah yeah yeah without having to pay yeah they fucked now i guess they'll go to la and talk to the cops that's their great plan but first he wants to sketch her like one of his french girls and uh she casually mentions i had a guy killed once and he says
00:48:53
Speaker
what? And that was when yeah he was a lot like you. was a lot like you. And that was when to be cut me to a commercial at that exact fucking moment.
00:49:05
Speaker
And I was dying laughing at like, had a guy killed once. What? yeah Boom. To be has better timing and writing and it's ad placement than this movie.
00:49:19
Speaker
For sure. i love that for you. They're like, okay, now I guess we gotta shower before we get on this plane. And what do they find in the same exact bathroom they had sex in, Garrett?
00:49:33
Speaker
her boyfriend who's been gutted maybe there's so much blood that the fact that they and clearly this didn't happen while they were having sex so like like they god only knows how long this body has been in there i'm sure it smells terrible right and and they had sex in that bathroom and didn't notice Oh yeah, they were kissing and it took her a while for her head to go to the side where her boyfriend is dead. He was a little abusive, so we're not so sad about it. Like, really moves on.
00:50:10
Speaker
it take it is really just more of 60 seconds of processing gross, icky, dead body. Oh, gross, icky, dead body we just happened to not notice for an hour.
00:50:22
Speaker
but They've been there at least an hour. Where the movie goes from here is the most fun part of the entire movie. Because we basically hit the entire action portion of this movie.
00:50:39
Speaker
They got to get out of there. They're driving away in a van. The guy who tried to inject him earlier is now in a car being driven by a child. Yes.
00:50:50
Speaker
Well, it's not a child. It's a woman dressed as a child. Oh. But in the scene, like this guy is shooting an Uzi of the window.
00:51:01
Speaker
And he says, keep it straight, kid. And at this point, we don't know this is a woman, but when it cuts over, it is like a child looking through the top part of the steering wheel to see over the dashboard.
00:51:14
Speaker
And I'm like, oh my God, we have an actual 10 year old. Yeah. They probably had to, ah you know, so strap some books to, to the child's feet so that they could reach the pedals. Yeah.
00:51:27
Speaker
I love this henchman, not the the female child, but the gym coach looking.
00:51:37
Speaker
That fucker. You know that that he was the gym coach that got so mad at the girl ah who was wearing like the her pajamas ah and in gym class and didn't want to run the mile. um and and And I can just see him yelling at her right now.
00:51:58
Speaker
He's like, she she says she's on her period again. So she's reading Jane e over on the features. I hate her. And then somehow he gets mixed up in this Uzi business where yes they're running through it. They escape. They're running through a train yard. And the child, who is just probably a 20-year-old woman, is firing a gun.
00:52:21
Speaker
The gym coach with an Uzi behind this child just starts firing. And the way the camera's positioned, looks like he fires it all at his partner. it does.
00:52:34
Speaker
just ah Just a, just a mad. Oh my God. Kit. So car chase. And then we're running around in a train yard. It's basically like the end of heat, but real, real stupid.
00:52:47
Speaker
Dumb heat. Dumb heat. um you and Human is what we'll call this one. you know
00:52:55
Speaker
Oh, that's good, Garrett. That's really good. ah Yeah. And does. This man is so pathetic that the the the woman takes out both of the henchmen.
00:53:10
Speaker
He does nothing. He does nothing. the The fight between him and the gym coach is hilarious. He is he gets kicked in the ribs in the exact same manner. What felt like 30 times in a row, which was just like, oh, oh, like a slow like it felt like a family guy sketch.
00:53:30
Speaker
where where you're watching it it's not funny it goes too long and they somehow know the exact formula that on the last one it makes you laugh one more time before they stop like it is but before the kicking kit the guy comes at him with an uzi has it pointed our derpy lead has enough time to stand there slowly grab a pipe as the man watches him and wrap it out of his hand
00:54:00
Speaker
same what Same with the syringe. For a gym coach, this man has terrible hand-eye coordination. Has terrible speed, reflexes.
00:54:11
Speaker
The only gym coach thing you got going for you is that haircut, sir. It's it's really true. And you're your inexplicable hatred for the girl who's wearing her PJ pants. Yeah.
00:54:25
Speaker
It's annoying. It's just, yeah he, he, it's not inexplicable. He hates that she's treating him like an idiot and he can't question it. Yeah. Yeah. So she feels like she got one over on him, but he just wants her to know that she didn't like, that's what he hates is that he has to pretend like he's been still got the authority.
00:54:44
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. it's It's really bad fight choreography. It's not good. I've seen children put one together for like little movies that they're making in their backyards that is more competently done than this by far.
00:55:03
Speaker
Oh, like me and my friend's backyard wrestling had more drama and like clearly just they didn't have stuntmen and no one could get hurt.
00:55:14
Speaker
Or the whole production is fucked. Right.
00:55:20
Speaker
Then you still could have put a little bit more into it than he'll point the Uzi at him and then he'll pick up up pipe and swing it at the Uzi.
00:55:32
Speaker
Honestly, as little effort as they put into it, I was angry enough that I would have accepted them just killing a cast member for real on camera. I'm watching snuff now.
00:55:43
Speaker
I'm a little scarred, but I don't walk away from this having felt like I could have been outside petting a dog. I could have thrown a frisbee. i could have I could have taken up frolf.
00:55:57
Speaker
I could have taken up frisbee golf. Yeah. But I spent 90 minutes with Fleshtone. And I'm going to remember things about this movie for the rest of my life because my brain fucking sucks.
00:56:08
Speaker
and Why? What's it going to hit you with when you're starting to you're you're trying to fall asleep some night? ah What thoughts about Fleshtone are going to invade your brain?
00:56:21
Speaker
Well, but, you know, me and him have a lot of similarities. What, you might ask? Well... Yeah. We...
00:56:32
Speaker
We're both wild, dark, romantic, something to do with ecstasy and death, pain and desire. we just have the same kind of imagination to literally quote him.
00:56:45
Speaker
That's the other thing is he keeps telling this woman, like, it's so amazing that we found each other. You know, if I hadn't read that paper you know two people who are so perfect for each other might never have found each other. And she's like, you don't even know me.
00:57:01
Speaker
And he's like, yes, I do. Yes, I do. And he calls her by the wrong name. She's like, my name is Jennifer. Like at the end of this movie, he's still saying this shit. And she's just like, I have been lying to you. Everything we talked about was fake.
00:57:21
Speaker
You can't be like, Edna, I love you so much, I wanna live with you, and and we're gonna have the most beautiful life together, and and her name's not fucking Edna, you pathetic trash man.
00:57:38
Speaker
Like, get it through your thick-ass skull. Wait, did we explain why ah she had a guy killed that one time?
00:57:50
Speaker
I don't even remember what her explanation was. Her explanation was that she was dating a married man who wanted to leave his wife for her, but she was already seeing her new abusive boyfriend and she ah wanted him instead.
00:58:05
Speaker
And so the married man ah started like stalking her, so she had her abusive boyfriend get some of his friends to go kill him.
00:58:17
Speaker
Huh. Yeah. So she sucks too. She sucks a lot. like yeah, you probably shouldn't have stalked her or whatever, but like, she just straight up had this dude murdered and doesn't feel bad.
00:58:34
Speaker
We have a murderer and a wanted man sir on the lam now, headed back Los Angeles. Once again, they just let people, they'll let anyone on a plane.
00:58:46
Speaker
This plane scene. Yeah. Kit, is it cuts to them on the plane. They are wildly making out, which little jealous. I've never made out on a cross country flight and we would make it awesome.
00:59:03
Speaker
You know, flights aren't fun. If you had to like ah a half hour, a kiss in here and there, like to. Would I? Garrett, because I feel like I'd be really, like, I wouldn't want to do that to the people around me.
00:59:17
Speaker
I'm too nice to want to subject all the people around me to my allowed sloppy makeout. They obviously don't give a fuck about their fellow passengers.
00:59:30
Speaker
They are selfish, horrible people. There's three things you need for this to be okay, for you to be okay with it, I guess. One, you have to be an idiot. Mm-hmm.
00:59:42
Speaker
Two, you have to be inconsiderate. And three, in love. wow i don't know about love. yeah This woman is so commitment phobic that she is more afraid of settling down with him than she is of the contract killers that are currently hunting them down. She's more afraid of of moving in with him than she is of the bomb that was under her car.
01:00:11
Speaker
Oh, no, she's not in love. I'm sorry. He is in love. Oh, right. And since they've met, he has had so many boyfriend talks with her where he's just like, so we're boyfriend and girlfriend now.
01:00:23
Speaker
and And she's like, I don't like labels. She's like, i don't like labels. Also, please call me by my actual name. um I'm not going to be your girlfriend if you can't remember my name. Eh.
01:00:39
Speaker
Man. So he tries to finger her on the plane in front of everybody. every in front of God and everyone. No, they put a blanket over it. So it's fine. Although it she does, he was going to go for it. He gonna headed down. He was headed up her shirt and down her pants at the same time somehow in a real slithery gross boy motion.
01:01:01
Speaker
It was extremely lucky that ah no one was in the the window seat in their their aisle because, man, can you imagine having to sit next to those two fuckwads?
01:01:15
Speaker
I mean, it'd make for a story. It certainly would. yeah How was your trip to LA? How was your trip to LA? Well... one of the Columbine kids fingered Molly Ringwald on the whole...
01:01:30
Speaker
And then she sort of seems like she falls asleep while he's fingering her, which to me says that on the scale of being good at, at, you know, dexterous digits, that he is nowhere near the level of, of Nick Cage and Zandalee.
01:01:47
Speaker
Not even close. I mean, you know, sometimes you get your nut and it's like a little melatonin. It's a like a little turkey on Thanksgiving. He had not been down there that long.
01:01:59
Speaker
No way. He had just gotten his hand in her pants. Sometimes you're with the biggest fucking loser you've ever been with in your life and you just pretend to be asleep.
01:02:12
Speaker
Ha ha ha ha i'm literally only doing this because otherwise people are trying to kill the landing where the flight attendant comes and folks you have to put your seat belt on hey wake up her head moves blood pouring out of her ears she's dead yep she's murdered and he never even learned her name garrett The best thing after she is somehow murdered on this plane is that they have the entire... He is in the front row.
01:02:45
Speaker
And they have the entire plane de-board to watch this crying man hug a dead body. And they all make direct eye contact with him. They de-board the whole plane before they get the corpse off.
01:03:00
Speaker
Well, yeah. the You know, they're gonna... Yeah. Yeah. It makes perfect sense. And yes, including the killer. The killer also makes direct eye contact with him. um This was a Spirit Airlines flight.
01:03:14
Speaker
I would bet 20 fucking dollars that when he told the flight attendants about this, that he said, my girlfriend Edna dead. Loved very, very much. Loved me very, very much. Is dead.
01:03:31
Speaker
And so ah good on this ah ah flight attendant or captain, i don't know who it was, who was like, they're going to make arrangements for her, you know, come with me we'll take care of everything. And then, oh, I forgot something on the plane. You just keep going. I'll be right there.
01:03:49
Speaker
And then boom, cops. So he's getting interrogated. He doesn't know shit. They find out that he's a fucking loser. And they like, they clearly are in on whatever happened.
01:04:02
Speaker
Yes. But this is their perfect chance to just kill a witness. Yeah. And to do us a favor.
01:04:13
Speaker
Because I actually would have loved for him to not make it to the end of this movie, but they just let him go because they're like, he's too sad and pathetic and no one will ever believe him anyway. It's so stupid. They're like, your your conspiracy shit sounds really dumb. And he's like, well, I have a tape recorder.
01:04:32
Speaker
And so they play the tape recording where ah she's explaining that, you know, people paid her to... ah have phone sex with him and that you know they took the pictures to plant his evidence and they're just like yeah okay I'm like, this is just him talking to anyone. He could have recorded like, excuse me, um neighbor, could you just record this random conversation with me? Here's a scar script.
01:05:03
Speaker
Like, there's no proof. This proves literally nothing. And so he is rightly just as confused as we are when they're like, all right, go, let him go. He's like, wait, what?
01:05:15
Speaker
did This? This did it for you? This proved it? That can't be right. That can't be right. You're just letting me go. And, uh, they're like, yeah, these people were killed for knowing too much, so maybe it's better if you just don't know anything and you just go home.
01:05:33
Speaker
You're too dumb for the conspiracy people to kill you. So he's gone and out in the parking lot with his buddy. His buddy's like, what happened? And he's just kind of, I don't know.
01:05:46
Speaker
Well, who did it? don't know. don't know. Was it the mob or or the the government? Was it the mob and the government? don't know.
01:05:58
Speaker
Just some powerful people just don't want don't want people to know what happened. well I guess we'll never oh Let's go get a drink. Let's go back to the alley and play my guitar some more.
01:06:13
Speaker
that's where it ends, with him in his trash pile. no D is for decapitation. ah yeah and is for never finding love again. A for airplane.
01:06:33
Speaker
ah Yeah, he sees he hears a weird noise and gets spooked and goes inside. And I guess the message of that is that he'll never, you know, not be looking over his shoulder to see if someone's going to try to kill him.
01:06:46
Speaker
But the movie seems to be pretty content with the idea of like, this man is too pathetic to kill. He's too pathetic to kill. We won't.
Final Thoughts and Comparisons
01:06:59
Speaker
Well, this is the worst movie we've covered on here. I mean, not even close. Not even close. like What's a close? I mean, what literally will be the the next worst movie we've done?
01:07:11
Speaker
Meridian, i guess. No, because that was fun. And I didn't hate everybody. on The one Revenge. that one was pretty bad Revenge wasn't good. Revenge made me angry and sad and and feel negative feelings. This one was by far the most like just just incompetently made.
01:07:35
Speaker
we This was too deep in the chest of dog shit. Yeah. Papa G stuck his hand too far towards the bottom. Like you sometimes you just want to dip your toe in the the shit treasure your chest. And this was like, i went elbow deep.
01:07:51
Speaker
This is what came up. And we've watched and recorded it because you're not going to just see this whole movie and not make an episode about it. Is it waste of everybody's time? yeah we waste the listeners time, our time.
01:08:05
Speaker
right yeah yeah we did yeah we did i'm sorry and this means next week papa g you've disappointed us we got to do a banger next week we got to do like a real one a really good one that people like we got to make up for this yeah we're sorry it's not fair to anyone that this happened it's not fair to to us it's not fair to you It's not fair to that lady who had to have sex with the most pathetic man to ever walk this earth.
01:08:38
Speaker
It's not fair. have you ever gotten any phil Have you ever gotten fingered in such a boring manner that you died? if
01:08:48
Speaker
um ah Garrett, this was the last man she had sex with. How depressing is that? Garrett, would the movie have been better if they had killed him at the end?
01:09:00
Speaker
and fee Would that have improved the movie if he had actually died? I mean, it wouldn't make the movie better, but like I would have gotten some satisfaction. i would have felt, okay, well, at least I don't have to live the rest of my life knowing in my head that this character lives on. Yeah. And the the fact that over the end credits, they show all of his paintings so that you can look at all his dumb butlers again, because that's what you really needed was more butlers.
01:09:32
Speaker
I did like the butler. Yeah. You know, we never discussed, he thinks his fetish is all about sex and death and cutting people in half.
01:09:45
Speaker
It's not. His fetish is <unk> butler's, and I don't know why we didn't get into that more. I don't know why he didn't get into that. he's He's longing for her, but he's a horny poor who will never be able to... Be worthy of her.
01:10:04
Speaker
He can eat in the basement of Downton Abbey, but he will never eat out in the bedroom of Downton Abbey.
01:10:14
Speaker
So true, Garrett. So fucking true. Back to the servants' quarters, Bates.
01:10:21
Speaker
There's just... This is the worst man. He is the worst man. i hate him. I hate everything about him. And... Hate the movie. Hate... and we I don't want to do this, but we have to.
01:10:36
Speaker
damn it. On scale of one to five, were you aroused? Two. You
01:10:45
Speaker
got them boobies? Actually, maybe. no one one. Because even when I was looking at nudity, it was overlaid on the top of him with his junk-stuffed Mm-hmm.
01:11:00
Speaker
Like, smiling on a phone call. Yeah. Yeah. you can You never got pure, just sexy ladies. Instead, they just had to put this sad sack of a man intertwined with all of it.
01:11:19
Speaker
Like, how am I supposed to enjoy the ah the lesbian erotica when I also have to sit here and know that this guy thinks this happened?
01:11:31
Speaker
Yes, that is a a pretty good point. Point five, actually, as we talk.
01:11:41
Speaker
Because it's not just you didn't get to see two actual ladies. You got to see his fantasy. You were in his brain, Garrett. Yeah, if if you were aroused by that,
01:11:54
Speaker
You got aroused inside of an idiot's brain. What does that say about you? don't want to be there. It's like arousal inception. Like we're just like, one my idiot brain, his idiot brain. Hate it. 0.5. Actually, 0.1.
01:12:11
Speaker
0.1006. Because you can't take away from it the fact that there were some nice boobies. Yeah. But dear God, is it ruined by this pathetic limp rag of a man?
01:12:29
Speaker
Sometimes the juice isn't worth the squeeze. And in 1994 on Cinemax, you just as well have gone to bed horny. Yeah. like Or just like, I guess. Use your own imagination.
01:12:41
Speaker
Your own imagination has got to be better than what this dude's coming up with. but you'd already seen part of this and it's tainted and he's in your head. and Like it's going to take a week and a half to get, to get Martin Kemp out of your head. And I don't, I don't like sex today.
01:12:59
Speaker
Oh no, this man is ruined sex for you Kit hit it with a number.
01:13:08
Speaker
I'm with you on 0.05. Okay. oh five Because this it's his anti-charisma really does suck all the joy of sex out of the room.
01:13:21
Speaker
Put it this way, with both of our scores combined, if it were if it were a breathalyzer number, you could still drive a car. 100% still drive a car.
01:13:31
Speaker
All right, Garrett, were you thrilled? No. No.
01:13:40
Speaker
no um no Him hitting that Uzi with a pipe didn't thrill you? I laughed really, really hard. Him getting kicked like 13 times in the exact same manner was great.
01:13:56
Speaker
But no, nothing. there were no real. Actually, finding out that woman had been perfectly halved was pretty great. That was pretty good thrill. ah The perfect halving of a woman. It was surprising when the car pulls up alongside him and the guy starts firing into their their vehicle.
01:14:16
Speaker
That was little something. Yeah, 0.5. We'll give it half a star. yeah Yeah, okay. We'll both go with 0.5 on this.
01:14:27
Speaker
By the way, this movie was available on Criterion Channel at one point. Because as I looked through Letterboxd reviews, there were so many people that were like, what did Criterion Channel do?
01:14:39
Speaker
Why was this hidden in the middle of a bunch of good movies where they tricked me into watching this on the Criterion Channel? That is monstrous. That is false advertising of the the highest caliber. That is unforgivable.
01:14:57
Speaker
Would you ruin your life for Edna? No.
01:15:03
Speaker
Who would you consider? Gun to your head, you gotta ruin your life for somebody in this movie.
01:15:13
Speaker
You have to think about it, though. This man chose to ruin his life not for a real person. He ruined his life for his imagination of a real person. A person who um you know, drives her car real fast, wearing only a coat and touching herself while looking at a picture of him.
01:15:34
Speaker
That's who he ruined his life for. That person ain't didn't even ruin his life. He's just back to square one. That's a good point. His life needed to be more ruined.
01:15:45
Speaker
It's the same. he got have sex. That woman died because this man is poison. He is really he' is a charisma black hole. She's the one who ruined her life.
01:15:57
Speaker
poor gal yeah i feel for her mostly because she had to spend so much of her final hours on this like this planet getting with getting fingered by him that is that's tragic well everybody i'm sorry you know they can't all be winners um
01:16:22
Speaker
I love you guys. This is you know, the apologies to everybody. But as always, you know, Papa G can't always be bringing us the good stuff.
01:16:37
Speaker
You know, we found it took a while, but we got there and I'm i'm sorry. We'll hit you with some heat next week. yep We'll raise the temperature on the humidity, get something. Yeah.
01:16:48
Speaker
actual good going but hey thanks so much for listening yeah we love you as always at erotic thriller club on instagram erotic thriller club at gmail.com if you have questions comments concerns ah Go ahead and like, rate, review, subscribe, whatever it is you got to do. Comment. Comment. Tell us hi.
01:17:11
Speaker
ah You know, tell us if you ah have similarly had to talk your friend out of ah believing that the phone sex lady is in love with him. We'd love to hear Yeah, hit it. You know what? In the comments on the YouTubes or the Spotify or whatever, hit us hit us up with your your scores for these movies. I would love to see those. Oh, yeah.
01:17:34
Speaker
Were we wrong? i mean, it's all subjective, but hey, as always, wet your snails. Stop it. if I want to shake you naked and eat you alive.