Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Cruel Intentions (1999)
54 Plays17 days ago
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club it's our bi queen Kit's birthday so we're revisiting an important movie from her own coming of age tale! Is it an erotic thriller? Debatable... We're talking God's loophole, a killer soundtrack, and for some reason a lot of Thomas Kinkade. Please join us in a celebrating both our lovely cohost and this horny teen classic!
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, an enormous serving tray of maraschino cherries and gather around your radio.
00:00:11
Speaker
It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.
Discovering Sexuality through Film
00:00:25
Speaker
is antithesis, mysterious and dangerous and oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the ages so if you're fatally attracted to the raciest stuff, erotic film club basically instinctively crave the salacious erotic film club if you want a racy movie and you're too classy for smart
00:01:08
Speaker
It's 1999, and our very own Kit Ryan sits alone in her parents' basement. Or maybe she's at a sleepover with friends. I have no clue. I wasn't there. a movie finds its way into the DVD player that will change her life.
00:01:23
Speaker
A movie that would make her realize that she too kinda wants to lick the ABCs. Today we celebrate our bi queen's birthday. This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, Cruel Intentions.
00:01:36
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller
Key Questions about Movies
00:01:40
Speaker
Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here. And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions.
00:01:48
Speaker
Was i aroused? Was I thrilled? And would i ruin my life for this person? Oh, Gare Bear, you know how to make a girl feel special here on her birthday. I think I made you blush.
Revisiting 'Cruel Intentions' and its Impact
00:02:02
Speaker
Yeah, this I cannot deny was a very, very formative movie for me. And it was very fun to come back to it as an adult. I was completely right about it being one of the greatest soundtracks of all time.
00:02:14
Speaker
It's still absolutely kills. Yeah, I still I had a great time watching it and I'm really excited to chat about it with you. Yes, soundtrack wise, it is pretty incredible.
00:02:27
Speaker
And I absolutely did not remember what song was playing during the kiss. ah That is that's my favorite blur song. Had no idea that was hidden back there, sneaking in right behind that strand of saliva.
00:02:45
Speaker
It's like, not only did you introduce me to the concept of ah girls can kiss girls, but then also great music. Yeah, you you found out that Blur had more than just the Wahoo song. Yeah, which is exciting.
00:03:03
Speaker
ah Yeah, i had this I had this soundtrack on my iPod, my original iPod, um and I listened to it constantly. Okay. How close was I? Where were you when you saw this?
00:03:17
Speaker
My parents' basement. Alone? You were 100% correct. Yeah. Yeah. Like when it came out? So you were like 11? Or did you see it like further down the road?
00:03:29
Speaker
It was little later than that. I was like a freshman in high school.
00:03:33
Speaker
and okay But I remembered everyone talking about it at the time. Like I remembered the kiss getting talked about all the time. And so I knew that it existed and um I just needed to find the right ah right time and place to get a hold of the movie. and Get it to my parents' basement.
00:03:55
Speaker
How soon after watching it was it while watching you're like oh I I like ladies or was it further down the line and you traced it back to Cruel Intentions?
00:04:08
Speaker
100% it was later I was like oh that makes a lot of sense why you liked this movie.
00:04:15
Speaker
This is a bizarre movie Kit when when was the last time before this that you had watched it? Oh, it's been years. It's been years and years. um Yeah, i hadn't this in 10 years. listened to songs from the soundtrack more recently than that, but it's been, yeah, probably a decade. It's about what I remembered.
00:04:35
Speaker
I didn't remember that it was like Tara Reid that is the therapist's daughter that he has sex with and then posts revenge porn to the internet.
00:04:47
Speaker
Woof. I forgot that Reese Witherspoon was in it at all. Oh, really?
Character Analysis: Reese Witherspoon and Sarah Michelle Gellar
00:04:54
Speaker
Yeah. She's never been one of my favorites. I liked her.
00:04:58
Speaker
ah I like her in this. I think this is the most likable. she's i will give her this and I will give her Legally Blonde. ah Outside of those two movies, I feel like she would be really mean to me in real life.
00:05:11
Speaker
No, she would be, well, she'd be super nice to me. Maybe she'd be mean to you. Are you sure she'd be nice to you? In what situation? um um Professional.
00:05:24
Speaker
Yeah, like you guys are in a business meeting about her clothing company? Yes, she would be perfectly polite and delightful. I just don't get that vibe. She is somebody that I've always gotten the vibe I'm just like, I don't feel like we'd hang.
00:05:38
Speaker
I don't think we'd have a good hang. i didn't I didn't say we would hang. I said she would be nice to me. she We would be professional. Oh, the hang is bad because she was mean to me. I guess I should have specified.
00:05:50
Speaker
Not just that, like, oh, it turns out we don't have a lot in common and there's not a ton for us to talk about. ah This movie is also, I will say, i have never, and this might seem weird, I have never looked at Sarah Michelle Gellar as a sex symbol.
00:06:08
Speaker
I was a Buffy viewer. But I think because of the type of hero Buffy was, like, I also don't want to fuck Arnold Schwarzenegger. Like, she's that to me.
00:06:20
Speaker
Like, she's she's my savior. She's not somebody that I idolize sexually. Right. See, I'm pretty sure I saw this movie before I saw Buffy. So it changed how I saw Buffy that I knew her as this.
00:06:38
Speaker
Because she is so delicious at being... menacing and evil in this she's having a really good time but i think she also brings a fair amount of pathos to it like the it's don't know maybe i'm just looking back on things differently as an adult but like it's easier now for me to be like these are children and like they just ruined this girl's life and also she probably is sad at the end and going through her own shit she's
00:07:10
Speaker
clearly been going through her own shit this whole time like the argument she makes when she's like why do guys get to fuck all the time and I have to be the Marsha fucking Brady of the Upper East Side and I want to kill myself too yeah and it's like damn this woman contains multitudes and she is a child who has essentially been raising herself as has Ryan Felipe and it Ryan Felipe Felipe how do you say that guy's lin name Well, I just realized now that you said that, that I don't actually know.
00:07:42
Speaker
And I guess we're just going to call him Sebastian from now on because that's his character's name. This is a really odd movie in that.
90s Style and Cultural Influence
00:07:53
Speaker
Have you read the source material?
00:07:55
Speaker
I have not. I am vaguely familiar with Liaison Dangerous. So I am more familiar with the movie from the 80s, which, you know, is period piece and powdered wigs and that kind of shit. I believe it's Malkovich.
00:08:14
Speaker
Yeah, it's got a Malkovich on the cover. I've never seen it. I just know that Malkovich is on the cover. And I don't know that that is a movie about children. this scene It is not So i think what's funny about the dialogue in this movie is that everybody is like, everybody's sophisticated. It's like a sophisticate. Everybody is, you know, is a... Because they're supposed to be like boarding school, private school educated,
00:08:43
Speaker
ah you know trust fund kids. And I think they're... supposed to be sort of playing it being adults and i think that's part of what the message of the movie was supposed to be i don't think the movie does a great job always at getting its point across but i think what they were trying to do is like that these are teenagers who are playing around with things they're not experienced enough yet to know what they're doing and thus uh they they are getting themselves into these messes because their parents are not there
00:09:20
Speaker
And for all that he makes fun of the therapist at the beginning, his therapist is 100% correct. Well, the only time we even see the parents in this movie is in a photograph of them with Bill Clinton.
00:09:33
Speaker
Yes. And that is wild. They're present in this film. I think though the way they speak, because who at the writer-director of this film... You know, he adapted, you know, either the movie or that book.
00:09:48
Speaker
I did say it was based off the book. But everybody, all of these teenagers, and I use the term teenager very fucking loosely, Kit.
00:09:59
Speaker
Yes. Because these are fucking grown ass adults. they're so old in this movie that it took me like it like i said itve been forever since i'd watched this it took me so long to figure out if they were high schoolers or college kids that's the way i felt watching greece as a kid i was like wait they're in school they're all 13 kid in greece don't you fucking talk down to my rizzo uh so and then They're all talking like they're people wearing powdered wigs.
00:10:34
Speaker
Yes. Selma Blair yeah selva blair's the only one who acts like a child when she's wearing like a koala shirt in the when we first meet her. And she's the only one who genuinely acts like a child, which they all are. They are children.
00:10:50
Speaker
Yeah. with the main characters to remind you that they are still high schoolers. It's like, well, what if somebody who spoke with a powdered wig also used the phrase fudge packer?
00:11:01
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Like this movie, you you mentioned the clothing. There's not a lot that dates this movie to the 90s other than the soundtrack.
00:11:15
Speaker
Because I think right now a lot of 90s... would disagree with that 100%. Ryan Sebastian. Sebastian is wearing these tiny little glasses, these turtleneck shirts, jeans.
00:11:29
Speaker
He's smoking clove frickin' cigarettes, Garrett. this movie he could His whole vibe could not be more 90s if he tried. He's wearing a trench coat, a black trench coat at one point.
00:11:42
Speaker
Oh, I know. He's upset. He dresses like Neo. That's what people did in 1999 when they were upset. No, I think so much of the clothing from the 90s is coming back now. Maybe I'm not something like that.
00:11:55
Speaker
The clothing in this movie isn't super dated. The cell phones are, but they're rarely seen. any room they go in in this house it's so bizarre because it's basically just two kids living inside Downton Abbey the point that nothing about their bedroom is they those old timey telephones with the like the gigantic receivers they might as well be using Morse code to talk to each other it is so old timey and their houses look I don't know French Rococo style it is like they picked up these characters and put them in
00:12:32
Speaker
the French ah aristocracy set of, of liaison dangerous. But and even when you see like Ryan Phillippe's bedroom, it's not like there's a PlayStation sitting around, like everything looks like antique and fancy or.
Themes of Privilege and Manipulation
00:12:51
Speaker
He writes in a leather bound journal for God's sake. He doesn't even write in a spiral notebook like everyone actually did in the nineties. We live in a world of pretty insufferable characters in this movie. Yeah.
00:13:06
Speaker
Like, i get it. Sarah Michelle Gellar has issues, clearly. Clearly. She sucks. He sucks. Selma Blair sucks. Yeah. What is going... Okay, okay, okay. You mentioned this, and we have to just get it out of the way. Okay.
00:13:24
Speaker
Is she special needs? I did ah have that thought. Every time you saw her? this time, as an adult watching this movie.
00:13:35
Speaker
Um, it is a little... You're supposed to think she's just really sheltered and childish because of it. And honestly,
00:13:46
Speaker
um
00:13:49
Speaker
Garrett, I'm not... I'm not proud of what I'm about to say. um and, uh, it's my birthday, so I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna go ahead and put it out there.
00:14:02
Speaker
Nothing like getting canceled on your birthday. No, I'm not going to canceled. I'm just going to be making an absolute fool of myself. So in actual factual high school, me as a high schooler, I was lot more similar to Selma Blair's character than I am to anyone else in this movie.
00:14:22
Speaker
Certainly more than I am Reese Witherspoon's character, which is who I thought I was. ah
00:14:32
Speaker
So her attempts at like being sexy. Oh, it hurt, Garrett. It hurt looking back. ah You sitting there sucking down a tray of maraschino cherries?
00:14:46
Speaker
Maybe not that part, but the part where like, ah she's like, I can be sexy. And she does like, all the weird poses. ah i felt, that felt too real Garrett.
00:14:59
Speaker
It felt way too real. That hit different in your thirties than it did in, in your When was not yet sexually active and didn't know what I would be, what it would be like.
00:15:12
Speaker
you know when you're When you're still thinking about what will sex be like? What will I be like? Surely by the time I am in high school, surely by the time I am sexually active, I will be cool and good at this, right?
00:15:30
Speaker
Right?
00:15:33
Speaker
no Hey, I'm still trying to be good at it. I'm still trying to be good at it. You get a little better every time. Just because you can make somebody pregnant doesn't mean you can make them cum.
00:15:50
Speaker
No, I think that she's certainly a a very over-the-top character, but I didn't find her um lack of understanding how to be ah a normal teenager to be as unbelievable.
00:16:09
Speaker
unbelievable um as you seem to. It was bad, kid. It was really bad. was really bad. like i will I want to say this overall. I do very much enjoy this movie. I enjoyed it when it came out. I still enjoy the movie. It's dumb as fuck.
00:16:27
Speaker
Yeah. but i love But I love it. Just to set it up, like I think everybody knows so this is a movie mostly about incest. It's not incest. No one here is related to each other.
00:16:42
Speaker
They're not. They are step siblings. It's rich whites, rich whites being bad, which is, you know, yeah We've got a long history of that.
00:16:54
Speaker
um you Funny because I assumed... Okay, so like you remember the movie Clueless is another one where they are step-siblings, although they are ex-step-siblings to make it a little less creepy.
00:17:06
Speaker
And that is because they are adapting Emma, which is a a book set in the time when people would fuck their cousins and marry their cousins. Yeah.
00:17:16
Speaker
So they needed a reason that is modern and acceptable for the characters to be familially close with each other, but not actually blood related.
00:17:28
Speaker
And I assumed the same thing was happening with this movie that in the original novel, the characters were cousins or something, something else that would have been acceptable at the time, or maybe it was even being lampooned as like, Oh, look at the incestuous, uh, aristocracy, right. And how depraved they are.
00:17:45
Speaker
uh, I don't think that's actually in the original, though. Like, I just skimmed the Wikipedia and it doesn't say anything about the main characters being related to each other at all.
00:17:57
Speaker
So, I don't know why that's in this. If anything, it's more relatable now because of just the current state of pornography. Yeah, it's like 90% step siblings getting stuck in dryers, I hear. Is that is that is that assumption correct? Well, not all all dryers. Dryers is a thing for sure. But I think it it seems like, at least with the thumbnail and the description, it's like step sibling.
00:18:26
Speaker
It's like, I don't need to know this relationship. This actually makes it a little worse than... for me personally if i don't listen to them talk then it does you don't know if you think of that's what you like and that you're limiting yourself by making them step siblings uh if you're making porn because if you don't establish any relationship at all it can be step siblings if you want them to be and you can read that into it but like if you make it explicit have you not narrowed your Why am I trying to tell pornographers how to do their jobs?
00:18:58
Speaker
Do you think, though, that the increase of this in pornography has to do with the divorce rate going up? And like now it's a bunch of kids living with a new person and like this is the thing?
00:19:15
Speaker
Garrett, you might be onto something because Cruel Intentions is set in a very particular time and place. Yeah. um and divorce rates, ah you know, once no-fault divorce got instituted, ah you know, they they skyrocketed for a time there. And so maybe, maybe that was what this was getting at, is that these are children of divorce whose parents care more about going and fucking their new boyfriend and than they do about raising their kid.
00:19:45
Speaker
This movie is very much of its time in some aspects. The idea of like, oh, all those rich trust fund kids are out there fucking each other and we need to care about it for some reason. And they're going to do cocaine.
00:20:00
Speaker
At any point, did you find yourself resenting your parents for having a happy marriage to not get you a hot little piece of ass to live with?
Teenage Dynamics and Purity Culture
00:20:08
Speaker
um Yes. Yes, I did. Yeah, same.
00:20:11
Speaker
100%. No.
00:20:14
Speaker
um Just imagine what my life could have been otherwise. ah i'll Like also the idea that we have a purity pledge girl, a true love waits person here. That's so of its time.
00:20:28
Speaker
That's let's just God. That trend is over. Let's just hit him with the plot of this movie though. All right. All right. like basically just hit them with the bet and like the, the two things mixed into one conversation in this, that actually I think is a little confusing.
00:20:46
Speaker
Yeah, there are two separate um gambits going on here. Sarah Michelle Gellar has her thing, which is that she wants revenge on an ex-boyfriend who is now dating Selma Blair.
00:21:02
Speaker
And so her idea of how to do that is to turn Selma Blair into a slut and that that will ruin their relationship. Yeah. I don't know that this is a good plan.
00:21:14
Speaker
I don't know that it's going to work out ever the way she thought it was. ah She's not good at it either. Like for all that she loves to play her little games, it doesn't seem like she knows what she's doing on this one.
00:21:27
Speaker
The main bet though, is that we have ah Sebastian and Catherine are our characters' names. These are the step siblings. And they want to have sex with each other, but she won't give it up. SMG and Ryan Yeah, she won't give it up.
00:21:43
Speaker
And so he's also got an idea of wanting to go after Reese Witherspoon ah because he saw her in Seventeen magazine talking about how she wants to wait until she's really in love before she has sex.
00:21:58
Speaker
And he's like, she's transferring to our school. She's going to be the new headmaster's daughter. And I want to have sex with her before school starts because summertime.
00:22:08
Speaker
So he's got a deadline of the end of the summer ah to have sex with this girl and take her virginity. And Sarah Michelle Gellar's like, that's a great idea. um Let's make a bet.
00:22:19
Speaker
If you manage to do it, I will have sex with you. If you don't manage to do it, I get your adorable 50s era Jaguar convertible.
00:22:33
Speaker
And he's like...
00:22:36
Speaker
Yeah, that's the thing about his tastes run so old. Yeah, so she's... That's basically the plot. is that she so So SMG is mentoring Selma Blair and while trying to to turn her into a whore.
00:22:53
Speaker
Okay, so... Can you tell me this? So we see, once again, you're getting Baranskied. Baranski's here. It's Blair's yes. Oh, she's wonderful.
00:23:05
Speaker
She is so funny. The way in which she says, ah when when Sarah Michelle Gellar's like, I have to tell you that your daughter is ah ah is being seduced by her music teacher.
00:23:17
Speaker
I know that it's, you know... not proper in this day and age, just saying Kristi Baranski just says BLACK! she With such disdain.
00:23:31
Speaker
And then when she, when he's like, I would have thought that you would have looked past like the racial thing, you know, in this modern nineties era of ah of a, you know, an interracial relationship. And she says, uh, don't give me any of that racist crap. My husband and I gave money to Colin Powell.
00:23:49
Speaker
Yeah. Legitimately a banger of a joke or, uh, saying that she got him off the streets and he said, i live at 59th and park. Yeah. So this movie, like there are a lot of funny lines. Like, is this movie a dark comedy?
00:24:05
Speaker
oh Like, I don't think this is a poorly written movie. I think there's like some weird directing decisions or like acting choices that are made throughout it that makes it campier and weirder.
00:24:20
Speaker
But it does seem like it's coming from a source material that was a little hard to fuck up. Yeah, i I do think that that there are some aspects of this that are just pure camp.
00:24:32
Speaker
ah When guy's like, how am I supposed to get in touch with her? Her mom hates me. i don't even know her email address. and Ryan says email is for geeks and pedophiles.
00:24:43
Speaker
I died. i freaking died. The number of quotes I wrote down art it's, this sure doesn't taste like iced tea. It's from Long Island.
00:24:54
Speaker
come on like i do think it was intentionally a little campy and honestly weirdly enough there are aspects of this movie that feel like a rom-com like when she is going up the escalator and he is waiting for her at the top of the escalator is a scene straight out of a when harry met sally style rom-com well Back to Baranski for a second. I have a question regarding this.
00:25:22
Speaker
So Baranski is talking to SMG to get her to, i guess, mentor her daughter, be friends with her. yeah Is this a monetary exchange?
00:25:36
Speaker
Is this good question. What is the exchange here? What is in it for her and what does Baranski think is the end goal? I think it's supposed to be that like they're friends of her parents or something like Bransky knows her parents and she is getting Selma Blair out of, uh, she's transferring out of an all girls school for the first time and going to this prestigious school that she's very excited to have gotten her daughter into. And she wants the student body president, Sarah Michelle Gellar to help her adjust to the change. Um,
00:26:17
Speaker
And I think it's not monetary. I think it's just that SMG has a reputation of being like the girl who volunteers for everything.
00:26:29
Speaker
because it does they yeah you're right. They do like make note that she is a very well-liked person, even though we see her interact with so few people throughout this entire movie.
00:26:41
Speaker
Yes. Like, it seems like her shooting days actually would have been very easy, usually just her and one person on a set. Yeah. I mean, it's, I think it may, it it would have maybe made it a little bit more, i
Character Comparisons and Social Commentary
00:26:58
Speaker
don't know, like, uh...
00:27:00
Speaker
relatable if you had seen her having to do a bunch of stuff to maintain her reputation if she was doing all the charity work that ryan felipe gets to like be like i hate this i'm not doing it and she has to do all these things for appearances ah because otherwise people will call her a so ah slut and a ah loser you know i think it would have been interesting It did make it seem like she's kind of the class president type, but really she's more of a um Regina George.
00:27:34
Speaker
ah She's like a Regina George that's not actually allowed to be as mean as Regina George is. Which is funny because you never get that sense from anything. Like, she's just mean the whole movie.
00:27:49
Speaker
Yes, because we're only seeing her interact with Ryan. Yes, who she is openly a bitch to the whole time. And she's even been dick to Selma Blair.
00:28:03
Speaker
Like, when they're in the park, even before they kiss, like, she yanks her hair because she says something about, like, oh, yeah, he broke up with his girlfriend. I hear she was a slut or something.
00:28:14
Speaker
It was worse, it was a bulimic head case.
00:28:18
Speaker
of This movie is also of its time in that it it seems to think of bulimia as just like a thing that bratty rich girls do and not a mental illness um and a sign that someone is under tremendous pressure to constantly be perfect and is taking it out in self-destructive ways, which is clearly what's going on here.
00:28:42
Speaker
You mean like fucking her brother? And as they, Kit is, her and her brother plotted this. He's just like rubbing her tits from behind. yeah He's giving her a shoulder massage. Yeah.
00:28:56
Speaker
Through her whole body? Yeah. No one's ever rubbed my shoulders through my pecs. Like, you'd explode through the other person. Well, you just haven't gotten any good massages then, Garrett.
00:29:09
Speaker
Oh, I got a lady. I got a lady. She beats the shit out of me. They're great. Uh, yeah.
00:29:16
Speaker
ah yeah
00:29:21
Speaker
Listen, I think they accidentally wrote SMG's character to be too relatable and too sympathetic. And also SMG is an incredible actress.
00:29:36
Speaker
So like you can see real pain behind her eyes at times. And it makes the ending where she gets her comeuppance and everything is like, ha ha, we have defeated the great villain of the movie who we only decided was the villain of the movie in the last like 20 minutes if we're honest with ourselves the real villain here was terrible parenting oh yeah like I can't help but look at this as a you know 30 something year old now and be like i can't I can't help but feel like you just ruined a 17 year old girl's life that sucks you mean well her brother did with the the mean burn book
00:30:22
Speaker
Well, he didn't publish the burn book. He's dead. Spoily alert. um Yeah, so if we want to get into the plot, ah Cecile Selma Blair is getting ah cello lessons from the Save the Last Dance guy lucky her, and he's got a thing for her, and Sarah Michelle Gellar's like, ah, this will be part of my plan somehow, and I don't know how or why. It seems pretty clear that SMG's not, like, her revenge plan against her ex-boyfriend is far too convoluted, and doesn't seem like it would actually hurt him.
00:31:00
Speaker
um yeah he's really not getting anything out of this and we're really just fucking up selma blair's sexy cello lessons yeah and we only see the guy that she's actually mad at once in a flashback where he's like passed out drunk while she's trying to give him a bj which i'm not saying that's okay I'm just saying that, like, I don't know why you're so mad. And she does say that she's tired of being ah guy.
00:31:30
Speaker
She's tired of being the girl that all the guys want to have sex with, but don't want to date. They want to date the perfect, innocent, sweet girl. And so I guess this is more about trying to ruin a perfect, innocent, sweet girl because of her own insecurities. Yeah.
00:31:50
Speaker
What instrument did did you play an instrument in school? I took a few piano lessons, but I was never any good at it. What about you? You could maybe get a sexy piano lesson. Somebody could come up behind you, put their fingers on top of yours.
00:32:06
Speaker
And that's kind of a thing. Mine would have been harder, but I wish someone had tried. Because you were? Trombone. Trombone. but
00:32:19
Speaker
the sexiest instrument. Help me jerk this phallic instrument off. Somebody come behind me and be like, let me show you. You've got to here slide it like this. Faster, faster, faster.
00:32:34
Speaker
and So ah Sarah Michelle Gellar's like, all right, girl, we're going teach you how to how to make your boyfriend happy by first you kiss me and then you're going to kiss Ryan. Yeah.
00:32:47
Speaker
this is a good plan. um Meanwhile, very hot scene. It's, I mean, it's iconic but for a reason. The picnic ah with the saliva. Yeah. I mean, it's absolutely iconic for a reason.
00:33:02
Speaker
And it was definitely a moment of like, I didn't know you could do that. I mean, Selma Blair's character, it did something for everyone. I'm i'm not, and I think so Selma Blair's character was kind of into it and maybe by and not know it. She doesn't know anything about herself. She didn't even know she was having an orgasm when she had an orgasm.
00:33:24
Speaker
So I could see her being by and not knowing it. We're going to find so much more out about you by the end of this episode. Yeah. I already confessed Michael Briggs. You're just there air kissing.
00:33:36
Speaker
like You're right. No, she was absolutely... Because she even says like that was awesome. And to be fair, it did look fucking awesome. I think anybody who watched that was like, I am on board with that kiss.
00:33:48
Speaker
That seemed like just a very nice one. I like to think it did a lot for gay rights that people saw that when they were like, more please. A movie that does use a fair amount of slurs...
00:34:00
Speaker
Good God. Yeah, they're coming hot and fast. And I pun intended on using all it. All it bleached blonde, Joshua Jackson. And it's like they thought that by including him having a gay friend, it made it OK.
00:34:16
Speaker
Yeah, he wasn't. He was saying it like the Eminem way. Yeah. It was 1999. Yeah. it was nineteen ninety nine I did appreciate that they had a gay character, like a gay best friend who actually was gay and having sex and said things like that.
00:34:31
Speaker
This guy has a mouth like a Hoover in its own way. That was progressive for the ninety s And somehow still of everything, the the lady kiss, this football man who's pretending to be straight fucking Joshua Jackson, the gayest thing that happens in the movie is the gay football man's two straight friends high-fiving.
00:34:54
Speaker
Wait, after he's like, put my dick in her face and I'm the Greg-inator or whatever. And they were like, yeah! Yeah, you're not wrong about that. um Then there's the pool scene. So, uh... Reese Witherspoon is staying is standing with ryan ah with Ryan's aunt, who, by the way, is played by Nurse Ratched in a very different role. She is a very sweet lady here. of For my Star Trek Deep Space Nine fans, she is also Kai Wynn.
00:35:24
Speaker
And a very small role, not that important. Just wanted to shout her out. Um... But yeah, so they're they're at the pool. He lures her to the pool by playing opera in her room. Because he's smart.
00:35:39
Speaker
And then he's when she comes in, he's like sitting in an antique wheelchair, staring at little toy wooden sailboat that he has put out in the pool.
00:35:50
Speaker
and he's he gives her a leather bag with her name on it as a gift, and then invites her for swim. Garrett, how do you think this one ranks as far as as poolside ah ah romancing? Hmm.
00:36:09
Speaker
Well, does show ass, and he's the only person that shows yeah anything in this whole movie. so is surprisingly tame for an R-rated movie. There's not a tit to be seen.
00:36:22
Speaker
Also, no thrills, so there's that, too. Um... This is not neurotic thriller. hit a cab is a thrill. One time at the end. the The cab he gets hit by at the end, by the way, that is like a dream of mine.
00:36:37
Speaker
be hit by a cab? And roll over the top? goddammit.
00:36:44
Speaker
The fact that he fucking dies from it is so lame. And he's right earlier in the movie when he's looking at himself in the mirror and saying, like, you're such a pussy. Yeah, you got killed by rolling over the hood of a cab.
00:36:57
Speaker
John Wick does that nine times per movie. Well, we can't all be John Wick. Some of us are soft boy teenagers who write in our journals, our leather bound journals. And OK,
00:37:10
Speaker
Okay, but to rank the pool, I don't know if I can rank it as sexiness, but I can compare it to another pool from a different movie you might remember. Mm-hmm.
00:37:21
Speaker
Pee-wee's Big Adventure. This pool is Francis's bathtub.
00:37:29
Speaker
He looked like such a fucking dork in there with his sailboat pool. Like, he was absolutely Francis. In the pool, Pee-wee should have come and fucking beat the shit out of him.
00:37:39
Speaker
Yeah. For being such a dick.
Conflicting Feelings about 'Cruel Intentions'
00:37:46
Speaker
Am I wrong? Am I wrong? You're not wrong. The number of things in this movie that are just a little strange, just a little off, a little wrong are many.
00:38:00
Speaker
what i mean I can't deny that we do get to see his butt. It looks good. And, uh, Both of them look lovely in pool lighting.
00:38:11
Speaker
Pool lighting makes people look good. Does that count for nothing? It is kind of nothing. This is a nothing, not a sexy pool scene. i mean, we had just watched Wild Things where Denise Richards gets out of the pool in that that one piece that I'm still thinking about.
00:38:31
Speaker
Reese Witherspoon's one piece does not compare. Not even close. No. This...
00:38:40
Speaker
I don't know. I'm kind of torn with Like I said, I don't want it to seem like I don't like this movie because I had a lot of fun watching it.
00:38:49
Speaker
However. don't know. There's just like a lot that isn't is this is a very sexual movie for an 11 year old. Yes. Yes. yeah Yeah, it is Like, not only is the bet you get to fuck your stepsister, she says, she's like, you can fuck me in the ass.
00:39:10
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. You can put it where you want. You can put it anywhere. And he's like, I'm in. And that was enough. Like the fuck my sister thing. He's like, I really like my car. And as he starts to walk away and she's like, you can put it anywhere. And then he's like, you don't say.
00:39:27
Speaker
And then like, that was enough that that was worth a fifties Jaguar. Like damn was to fuck his sister in the ass. Step sister. That was also like, did you, okay. Did you see the movie Kingsman?
00:39:43
Speaker
a I saw, wait, I saw the first one. yeah Yeah. The first one's up what I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah. So that movie was fine from what I remember, but then it got to the end where this kid is supposed to be the hero of this movie.
00:40:02
Speaker
And he's trying to save like a princess or something. Yes. And she's like, you can fuck me in the ass. And he saves the day, but then takes her up on that.
00:40:13
Speaker
yeah And that's all I remembered from that movie, and I hated it. like it he was not a He was not a good hero. like I'm sure James Bond did anal. He brought a bottle of champagne with.
00:40:27
Speaker
He like stopped off and grabbed a bottle of champagne, and i was like, see, he's making it romantic. It's okay.
00:40:34
Speaker
I don't know. I guess, like I said, James Bond probably did the same, but he didn't tell me about it. Yeah, 100% he did. No, he did not. That is, here's the thing though. Sean Connery would have told you about it.
00:40:47
Speaker
It's just, they didn't let him like, yeah. oh trust me. The footage of that, like God damn Sean Connery. That woman, you gotta pop her in the mouth once in a while. She's talking back to you.
00:40:59
Speaker
And then you fuck her in the ass. Oh my God. Kit, do you do a good Sean Connery? I'd like to hear you I do not. And it's my birthday. You can't make me.
00:41:10
Speaker
god damn it i would have loved that yeah okay so another thing about this movie that doesn't age well is uh so when uh our boy sebastian is uh teaching selma blair the ways of love uh that's kind like it that's date rapey right by modern standards
00:41:37
Speaker
Oh, I mean, yeah, he's like, I'm going to tell on you if you don't let me lick your vagina. I'm going to your you're here unless you let me kiss you. And then she's like, okay.
00:41:48
Speaker
And then he's like, I don't want to kiss you here. i want to kiss you down here. And also he he gave her ah ah drink that she did not know was alcoholic, that she had a lot of like...
00:42:03
Speaker
I'm starting to think this is a bad guy. starting to think he's a super bad ah And here's the thing is at the end of the movie, right? When he's being confronted by Mr. Save the Last Dance music teacher, cello man.
00:42:16
Speaker
And he's like, you had sex with Cecile. I'm like, that is not even close to the worst thing this man did to her. Like, Also, you had sex with Sarah Michelle Gellar.
00:42:31
Speaker
For some reason. You have absolutely no room to talk, you you hypocrite. And he's supposed to be, like, the good guy here.
00:42:42
Speaker
He's the only redeemable, like, good person in the whole movie, kind of. The whole movie. And yet they have him be a hypocrite. And here's the thing, Garrett. I had a conversation with John about this.
00:42:54
Speaker
Do you think that if he had said you, you raped Cecile or you took advantage of Cecile or something like that? And Ryan Philippe Ryan's response had still been like, yeah, I know I did do that.
00:43:09
Speaker
Does that make him an irredeemable character? would the Would the audience mean have been like- if comes to the realization that he did? Or- If if he gets specifically called out on, and if the movie makes it explicit that, yes, we know what he did was rape, and we call him a rapist two minutes before this character dies, does that ruin his redemption arc?
00:43:34
Speaker
If he then starts fighting that dude in the street-
00:43:39
Speaker
Hmm. I mean, I don't think that I looked at him in a positive light at any point in this movie. Even when he like realizes he's in love with Reese Witherspoon, he kissed her once and has been on two dates, one of which he didn't even like going on.
00:43:59
Speaker
Um... So, no, he sucks. Like, as a viewer, I still think he sucks. And I don't know if that's watching it in a 2025 lens and not being 11 12 in 1999. Yeah, this is a big problem when you see this movie when you're 12 is you're like, yes, of course, I will find myself an irredeemable asshole of a man.
00:44:24
Speaker
um And then I'll make him laugh once and he will change for me.
00:44:34
Speaker
that's how that works ladies like a project uh
00:44:43
Speaker
it is weird though like the movie doesn't know if this were a movie that was about like a patrick bateman style irredeemable monster of a character i don't think it would have given the weird like tonal whiplash that it does when he's like standing at the escalator like he's he's in a rom-com well also do you remember there's a moment towards the end when he does get in a fight with the cello player yes the cello player says something along the lines of like she said you hit her
00:45:20
Speaker
yes So from what I understand, there may have been a cut scene or something in the script that didn't get shot where he does hit her.
Influence of Past Films and Personal Experiences
00:45:30
Speaker
And they left it to us as the audience to have to just decide, do we think he did? Because I think even watching it now.
00:45:38
Speaker
He doesn't say, no, I didn't hit her. He says, she got to you too, which could mean. she's lying to you too or it could mean you know she's manipulating you but yeah of course i hit her she's she's a bitch and she deserved it and you're right that if they had included him hitting her the whole redemption arc is totally fucked it's gone it's over there's no chance i don't care how cute reese is i don't care how much her love can redeem him it's not happening all we know is that sean connery definitely would have popped this girl in the mouth
00:46:15
Speaker
Yeah, well obviously. Hope being a bitch.
00:46:22
Speaker
Oh, my God. ah Do you think... Okay, so, you know, they say they show us violent movies as a kid. Like, you know, you might... you know turned out to be violent and like oh yeah was this your matrix like did this movie uh i never shot up anything but you did kiss girls so is this was it the move did the movie do this to you does this would tipper gore be mad about this movie
00:46:54
Speaker
Here's the thing is even before this movie taught me that you could kiss girls, it's not like I didn't see Zorro and want to.
00:47:07
Speaker
It's actually further back than this. It's a little further back. It's it's it's just that, you know... sexuality is a weird thing, right? Like, you don't always know what you know and what you want. You're just like, she's pretty.
00:47:25
Speaker
And it's like, well, of course you think she's pretty. She is pretty. And, you know, that it takes a little bit of soul searching and time to be like, no, you think she's pretty in many ways this movie is is terrible ah from a bi perspective because it's gonna teach you to kiss uh you know ah rich bitches on cocaine who are just trying to manipulate you yeah Don't do that. i like
00:47:55
Speaker
I am a little jealous that I didn't get that similar experience. I mean, I'm sure there's a movie I watched where I've been like, you know what? Of having a bio-wake. Well, yeah, I think there's a handful of movies that be like, you know what? I would try and suck off Jude Law. And then I think I would have realized it's probably not for me.
00:48:13
Speaker
But you had the thought. And so, you know. it was Yeah, until he like slept with the nanny and went bald. And then I think that was the end of any bi-curiosity. Yeah.
00:48:25
Speaker
It was specifically Jude Law. No one else. And like the movie is certainly much more about ah looking at Ryan being cute.
00:48:36
Speaker
He's he listen. He's so cute when he's laughing. He's so cute when he's starting to tear up, which is like the last 20 minutes of the movie. He permanently has watery eyes and he looks adorable.
00:48:47
Speaker
He's got them big pouty lips. It's great. ah So it was more that when Sarah Michelle Gellar's like, you can practice kissing on your girlfriends. And Selma Blair's like, really?
00:49:01
Speaker
And then I was like, really? Do you mean it? Do you mean it? do you promise?
00:49:10
Speaker
Well, did you? What can say? Don't leave the listeners hanging. No, I didn't have... I did not have that kind of confidence. Garrett, I wasn't even kissing boys in high school. I certainly wasn't kissing girls. Jesus.
00:49:23
Speaker
I was terrified. Which is really funny because my high school reunion is coming up and ah I know there are plenty of people who have come out since high school and I'm like...
00:49:41
Speaker
we don't just Where were you? Where were you? The theater department, Kit. We were all in the theater department. I was there. Why didn't you tell me? That's what I'm saying. like You were all there and just nobody knew. Nobody knew. Nobody's saying anything.
00:49:58
Speaker
yeah had to wait until you got to college to sleep with everybody in the theater department. I'm not saying you. I'm just meaning the theater department in general. The theater department just incestuously like these step-siblings just all fucking each other.
00:50:11
Speaker
I was there. lot of it was at my house, if I'm honest. why are Yeah. yeah you Famous theater parties at the ah the old Ryan residence.
00:50:26
Speaker
oh No, i didn't I didn't learn from this movie to sexually manipulate people, although Sebastian gives a freaking masterclass threatening to leave, being like, you're the one who's playing games and manipulating me, and it's like, oh my god, and it works!
00:50:45
Speaker
And then he feels bad, and you're like, aha, he's grown a conscience. Men can change. But...
00:50:58
Speaker
Okay, so we have to have a little conversation about the fact that like purity ah pledges were a thing in the 90s and the aughts. And I would love to know what that looked and felt like from your perspective.
00:51:15
Speaker
Did you know people who were like, I'm a true love weights types? um
00:51:23
Speaker
I don't know if I knew any, like, I mean, I'm sure if I sat here and thought about it, like hard, I could maybe think of somebody in high school that would have been like a true love wait. There had to have been, because I knew plenty of religious people who definitely were saving it for Jesus.
00:51:41
Speaker
But I also do know like the type of school I went to, I think we've talked about this on here, is I had a ah sex ed class. I think it was an experimental sex ed class where they like just randomly chose people to put in Garrett, I'm not okay with the idea of what are you talking about? An experimental sex ed class that sounds devious.
00:52:04
Speaker
Yeah. Well, they gave whips, chains, little leather pants. and No, it was a situation where I don't think they had done the class before and they wanted to like try it to see how it went.
00:52:18
Speaker
But so I don't know how they any of us got chosen to be in it, but it ended up not being sex ed. It was abstinence class. No, Garrett. No. And some of the things, and it was taught by ah very nice very nice man, but he was one of the bus drivers. I don't think he was a teacher. Stop it.
00:52:38
Speaker
What grade was this? High school. No. yeah I would have been, I mean, it maybe sophomore, junior year. I don't know. We had a real health class with a real teacher, not ah bus driver. What is happening?
00:52:57
Speaker
Garrett, you did So you didn't get to practice putting condoms on any fruit or. Well, they didn't give you condoms because you just had to not do it. ah That was that was the point of the classes.
00:53:10
Speaker
Don't do it. And the only exercise I actually remember is they're like, write down a list of your favorite TV shows. And everybody had to, like, write them down. They're like, they're all filled with sex.
00:53:23
Speaker
Yeah, that's why we like them. right. Yeah, because I want to be having that too. I want to be having that too. What do you think? Also, surely some of them wrote down like The Simpsons, which I don't think has any sex in it.
00:53:38
Speaker
They got three kids, Kit. Ah, dang it, you're right. They had to have done the nasty at some point. I mean, we never see him doing it, but trying. I'm just saying, like, network TV did not actually have a whole ton of sex when we were that But think about, like, when we were high school. Like, the real world was, like, a constant state of people having sex. Especially around that time would have been, like, the Las Vegas season where they were getting extra naughty.
00:54:05
Speaker
I knew a girl who said she wanted her first kiss to be on her wedding day. And that was in high school. Yeah. I don't think she made it. I don't, I don't think she made it all the way there. And she wasn't even particularly religious.
00:54:19
Speaker
and She just, I think she just thought it would be really romantic to have your first kiss be at the altar. And I was like, ah listen, I was what, 13 or 14 and had never, I had kissed a boy once.
00:54:34
Speaker
Um, that was like a family friends kid, ah down at the, at our cabin, uh, Like I had not been in any relationships. Um, but even I knew that was stupid and not going to work.
00:54:51
Speaker
That's a bad plan. What do you mean? You want your first kiss to be on your wedding day? Well, your first kiss with your, with it, you got to practice on your friends, obviously. that's why you get Sarah Michelle Gellar and you practice with your best girlfriends.
00:55:08
Speaker
that That has to be like a Jesus loophole. Hmm. Like how you're allowed to have anal sex and it won't upset Jesus because you didn't technically lose your virginity. Yeah, we had one of those in the theater department.
00:55:21
Speaker
I remember her. so person Yeah, I would have forgotten about that. about you saying that is that at one point um she was like trying to tell a bunch of us that, you know, we were all sinners and, you know, she was so, so very pure and above us.
00:55:38
Speaker
And I was like, yeah, but you, you do it in the butt. And she was like, And I was like, well, you, you do it in the butt though. And they're I've never done that. So in some ways, like, you're less of a virgin than I am, if you think about it.
00:55:52
Speaker
And she was like, how do you know that? A hundred percent kid. How did you like that was a thing where it's like she didn't tell you that she isn't preaching anal sex. She's quietly getting fucked in the ass in her dorm room. Here's the best part, Garrett, is that i this she said, how did you know that? And I didn't want to call out anyone in particular. So I had to tell her the truth, which was ah it's kind of common knowledge.
00:56:18
Speaker
That is not nice, kid! I wasn't a nice person! I'm a nice person now. I've worked really hard on myself. I've worked really hard on myself.
00:56:31
Speaker
No, you went to therapy and then Spike fucked your therapist kid. I did do that. that That's exactly what I with it. That happened at the beginning of this movie, folks. It's Tara Reid. He puts revenge porn of her on the internet and she's crying. And like, honestly, it's not fair. He is punishing the daughter in order to punish the woman who claims to be a perfect parent.
Revenge and Religious Views
00:56:53
Speaker
um And keep in mind, he did this because he said she'd been overcharging him. Which, what does he care? It's his parents' money. who don't live in his mansion that he has.
00:57:05
Speaker
that even his car? Is he just have his dad's car? What's going on in that? I get the feeling they just have like unlimited credit cards that they do whatever the fuck they want with. Or dad bought him the car. Maybe as a like, ah sorry, I'm marrying this woman and you now have to live with Sharon Michelle Gellar, but you're not allowed to fuck her here. Have a car.
00:57:25
Speaker
I kind of just want to go back to the theater department.
00:57:29
Speaker
Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was a mean thing to say. i was put on the spot and in my defense, she was being a real big bitch and real judgy.
00:57:42
Speaker
So I said what I said.
00:57:46
Speaker
She's got a pure hole though. She had a pure hole, pure hole. And that's what really matters. Yeah. I don't think I ever even considered Jesus when it came to Whether or not you were going have sex.
00:58:03
Speaker
Yeah. What kind of household were you raised in, Gary? or Were you a church-going family? Yeah, but like if not by my choice, you know? Well, I don't know. We were Christmas and ETHs. I was there. ales What do you want from... But I went Catholic. had to go like fairly often. Yeah.
00:58:21
Speaker
Yeah. who But it never even came up. You never had the thought of like, oh, no, what if Jesus gets mad at me because I'm having sex? Not once. Not once. I really do think that it was like listening to, you know, comedians and they like talk about religion where it's just like, no, yeah, I can just be nice.
00:58:43
Speaker
And um I'll really roll the dice on what happens in the after part. Yeah. and I'm willing to take my chances. A pretty decent way to go through it. You know, speaking good segue, actually, this was in my notes to bring up.
00:59:00
Speaker
Okay. This is actually something that goes back to something I've heard from a comedian. I want to say it was on a Sam Kenison record. Maybe I don't remember off the top of my head, the licking the alphabet thing kit.
00:59:14
Speaker
Yeah. So that is a thing that guys have heard forever. ahha I don't think I've ever actually spoken to a woman to see when, one, when that's happening, can you tell?
00:59:34
Speaker
Two, is it effective? Three, should it be cursive, capital letters, lowercase letters? Block, only. sarah one hundred percent get them serriphs in there and also what if you're what if you're Japanese? That has to feel crazy. That's a whole different. Those are some really crazy characters. You want to get into the Russian alphabet? You want to get those symbols in there?
01:00:01
Speaker
Have you ever gotten a couple umlauts on your clitoris? Yeah, Garrett. and It was amazing. Garrett, no one as far as I'm aware, has ever tried.
01:00:13
Speaker
If they did try it, I couldn't tell. So that's a problem. Okay.
01:00:21
Speaker
I just question the effectiveness of it. And I also question the effectiveness of it. Because guys do learn this from other guys. Like, this is just a thing.
01:00:33
Speaker
Guys learn a lot of really dumb shit from other guys about how to please ladies. Guys are the worst possible source of information. And yet, you all talk to each other and give each other the worst advice.
01:00:47
Speaker
Go ask a lesbian. Don't let me in with this. Ask a if you want to know some things. Yeah. Yeah. Someone who has experience on both ends. Yeah, but then you talk to a lesbian and they'll tell you something like, scissoring isn't real, and then you just have to say, shut up.
01:01:06
Speaker
Shut up.
01:01:09
Speaker
Leave me alone. up. Don't ruin this. That is a real conversation I have. What, where we a lesbian told you scissoring wasn't real and you said, shut up, I don't want to hear it?
01:01:23
Speaker
Yeah. You okay there, buddy? No! I just got the worst cramp in the back of my leg. Oh my god. Oh no! Oh no! am dying.
01:01:36
Speaker
That was a lesbian curse being put on you. That was that is my fault. I will never lick the ABCs and I will never crush my lesbian friends. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:01:49
Speaker
uh garrett then i have to turn this question back around on you have you tried it was it successful to your knowledge i've definitely tried it and i i would say i've tried it on multiple people and it never felt accurate like i think like like you're just I mean maybe cursive would be better than block capitals block capitals actually does seem like the worst option if I'm trying to to to game this one out I think I might have been doing like just capital letters like I i wasn't doing I mean lowercase cursive seems more effective but you know garrett they don't teach kids cursive these days so how are they gonna know
01:02:40
Speaker
hey, I'm not in that boat. I know it. So... he
01:02:46
Speaker
I don't think it's effective. I really think that's somebody being like, hey, there's a lot of letters out there and if you just keep hitting them... Maybe one of them. It'll turn out she really likes Q. yeah it might zip across a certain spot that elicits a reaction. It does seem like throwing litter, like you are throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks. Like, if you're out of ideas down there, try this. You're down there, you got performance anxiety, you freeze up, you don't know what to do.
01:03:20
Speaker
Try it. Hey, folks.
Exploring Hidden Artistic Works
01:03:23
Speaker
um We're saying right now probably doesn't work, but you know, throw some numbers out there. Maybe some exclamation points. Draw a fucking picture. I don't care.
01:03:31
Speaker
Do it. Do it. Kincaid for all I care. Like yeah do the trees, a little bridge going over a boky pond. Happy little trees. yeah Get an intero bang.
01:03:42
Speaker
That will probably. Oh my God. Kit. Kit. I went to a movie the other day but and there was a trailer before. And you know, I fucking hate Thomas Kincaid. Yeah, I do know. I know this about you intimately.
01:03:54
Speaker
Yeah, this has been, this is not new. I hate Thomas Kinkade. I, before the movie, there was a trailer for a Thomas Kinkade documentary coming out. I rolled my eyes and let out such a sigh in that movie theater. I was alone. Wouldn't have stopped you even if.
01:04:15
Speaker
It's a documentary about how he's a piece of shit. Honestly, if I had had to guess, if you if you had come to me and you were like, what semi-famous...
01:04:27
Speaker
semifamous artist of the modern day turns out to secretly be an enormous sack of shit possibly um some kind of sex pest or ah running a multi-level marketing type pyramid scheme it would 100% be Thomas Kinkade I would not have even taken a second to guess it's something else the The little houses with the light just scream sex pest.
01:05:00
Speaker
Yeah. oh Oh, yeah. Why is that light on in that cabin in the middle of the woods? Because he's sex pested in there. He's in there licking the alphabet on somebody who didn't ask for it. God damn it.
01:05:17
Speaker
God damn it is right. but No, it basically was like he pretended to be Christian to sell a bunch of paintings to Christians, but was out there, like hanging out in strip clubs. And like, so by honestly, by the end of the trailer, i was like, all right, this guy's kind of fucking awesome.
01:05:35
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, garrett you hate his paintings, but if he didn't actually like them either and he was just selling them to to like bilk people out of money, then some part of you can respect that.
01:05:48
Speaker
And it seems like in this documentary, they uncover a vault he had of dark, erotic and violent paintings that he made. Oh, now that I would pay.
01:06:00
Speaker
i would pay money to see. So, yeah, what I'm saying is I'm seeing the Thomas Kinkade documentary. My opinion of him might have changed. Garrett, was it you that I was with when um I went?
01:06:13
Speaker
Yeah, the painting Painter of Light pop-up show. It wasn't it was his store in like Savannah, Georgia. And then I had to listen to an old man talk to me about ah how how much of a genius he was.
01:06:27
Speaker
And I just smiled and kept looking over at you like, Garrett, isn't that interesting? I was shaking keeping my thoughts in my body.
01:06:37
Speaker
God, that was a great day. Truly la beautiful. All right, everybody. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Kincaid Cast.
01:06:48
Speaker
Don't forget to leave a light on.
01:06:53
Speaker
yeah if you don't leave the light on, the alphabet man won't visit in the night.
01:07:01
Speaker
God damn it. The trailer ends with just a voice going, now I know my ABCs. Damn it. Garrett, you've ruined everything.
01:07:14
Speaker
i think this podcast got awesome in the concave. Where were we in this movie? like we
01:07:22
Speaker
I believe were at Counting Crows in the soundtrack. Okay. One of my best friends, Kit, has a Counting Crows podcast.
01:07:36
Speaker
Stop it. Are you about to plug it What is this podcast? Sullivan Street, my dear friend Chris Miggs. He is who I did the pro wrestling podcast with ah before this for for some years.
01:07:49
Speaker
And i if I had known that that Counting Crows song was over the only sex scene in this film, Chris Miggs would have been on this podcast to tell us the history of that song.
01:08:03
Speaker
I mean, it's a really... really really good song and it's a good song it's a good song i mean there are no there's no there's no bummers on this this whole soundtrack uh i i love like i just kept writing down names of songs because i was like yep remember that one yep remember that one boy slim no they're all good and then even the ones i didn't recognize I would clock as like, damn, this is a good song. I need to look up what this is. It is banger fucking soundtrack. There's no getting past that. It was just very good music.
01:08:44
Speaker
What was I was just going to? Oh, the sex scene,
Critique of Film's Erotic and Thrilling Elements
01:08:48
Speaker
though, it is. It's all it's very sweet, Kit. Like this is gonna the scores on this movie are going to be so weird.
01:08:57
Speaker
Because the movie isn't very erotic. it is No, nor thrilling. i would probably do my life. But I would fucking do whatever SMG asked because she was like 27 when they filmed this or something. No, Selma Blair was 27. think SMG was... She's mid-20s, early to mid-20s. I mean, Selma Blair was older than the other two, I do believe. Which is insane. Because she's playing it like she's fucking eight.
01:09:28
Speaker
Yes, it's ah she's supposed to be sheltered and, ah you know, unsophisticated in the ways of sex. And she definitely plays it like a hyperactive toddler.
01:09:42
Speaker
It's ah she seriously plays it like she could straight up have been in a diary of a wimpy kid movie.
01:09:51
Speaker
Yeah, you're not wrong. um And it's especially weird because no one else is playing like they are a high schooler at all. So it does feel like two grown adults hanging out with a nine-year-old.
01:10:08
Speaker
But they're fucking... That they are fucking. Yeah. Now that you put it that way, it sounds bad. Garrett. Thanks. It does. it The movie feels bad. Everything is feel bad.
01:10:20
Speaker
Like even when he falls in love with Reese Witherspoon, it's like, you're a fucking idiot. Like you aren't in love. Yes. No. Yes, he is. Love is real. And he was, he, he, yeah, no, it was real.
01:10:34
Speaker
Garrett. Love is real. Why do you hate love? Garrett. Why do I hate... I mean, he did dress like Neo. Love you. He cried. He called himself a pussy. He didn't fuck his sister because he was in love.
01:10:47
Speaker
If you don't your sister, means you're in love. you imagine love that you don't fuck your sister in the ass? No, Garrett, I can't because maybe I've never been that in love before and I'm about to get married, so that means something.
01:11:00
Speaker
On the other hand, I don't have a sister, so... Because your parents... Because my parents didn't love me enough. I know. ah Yeah. yeah Two Christmases and somebody to love.
01:11:17
Speaker
Yeah. So, you know, Ryan breaks up with her even though he's in love with her because Sarah Michelle Keller makes him feel weird about it. And then she immediately is like, ha ha, I tricked you. you just ruined your relationship that you were very happy in and in love.
01:11:35
Speaker
And then he's like, I gotta go get her back. Oh my God. ah give her my journal. And this is one of the few things where you're like, oh yeah, no, that is, that is the journal of a high schooler. Like,
01:11:47
Speaker
100% it is one of the most juvenile looking things you've ever seen. Just because you put it in leather bound notebook does not mean it is in any way sophisticated. And in many ways, it makes me feel like whenever I because people knew that I was a bookish kid, so they'd give me fancy leather bound diaries and journals and stuff.
01:12:06
Speaker
And I would never write in them because i was like, my dumb ass thoughts aren't worthy of this very pretty book. But apparently his dumb ass thoughts are And who am to write anything less? we needed a scene of this fucking idiot sitting there cutting pictures out of his sister's Cosmo.
01:12:26
Speaker
17 magazine. It's worse than Cosmo. It was 17 magazine. and use a glue stick to put it in this fucking hundred dollar leather bound book so that he can draw little devil horns on his sister's picture and write the funniest is just coke problem
01:12:50
Speaker
Yeah, we didn't mention the i absolutely iconic Coke in the crucifix. It's so good. it's It's in one of the first... ah It it ah opens and ends the movie. We are bookended with this beautiful, iconic prop.
01:13:11
Speaker
yeah Well done. Very cool. Like, I'm not a drug guy. made me want to do cocaine. If SMG showed up was like, you want to take a bump out of this cross? I'd be like, um out of a piece of film history?
01:13:23
Speaker
100%. That's like asking me if I want to drive Batmobile. Yes, I do want to drive the Batmobile. Please let me in. do you want to shoot heroin on Rosebud?
01:13:36
Speaker
Yes! Suddenly I do. Now you mention it. Actually, I would like to ride the sled and shoot heroin. I don't know why you have to shoot heroin instead of just riding the sled, Garrett.
01:13:52
Speaker
ah Because I'm with an insane prop person. like I'm and with somebody who is the Warner Brothers archive. Also, greatest day of my life was getting to go into the Warner Brothers archive. Was it like going into the big warehouse at the end of Indiana Jones where they show you like all the stuff? like Was it like that? Because that's what I imagine it would be like.
01:14:14
Speaker
100% like not even joking that is literally what it was all that stuff is in giant crates and they have to like rotate them out to let them breathe so like the day we were going through they had the where the wild things are costumes just out breathing like the Mr. Freeze cost like Batman stuff and then I'm not joking.
01:14:36
Speaker
There was an area where you could just pull like it was just racks and racks and racks and racks of clothing. And they're just like, yeah, pull something out and look at what you've grabbed. First fucking thing I pulled out to look at just random poll Michael Jordan's jersey and shoes from Space Jam.
01:14:53
Speaker
Stop it. That's so cool. That was the greatest day of me getting paid ever. was to just spend a day walking around paid to do that yeah that's uh yeah that was a good day sorry back to thomas kink what were we talking about thomas kink this is the kink cast yeah back to kink we tried to call it the kink cast but uh somehow didn't uh people got confused yeah wrong crowd
01:15:27
Speaker
We're looking for the... we it it weeded out the Christian mom demographic we were trying to get in here. I'm really trying to go for it, yeah. um Yeah, no, I definitely had the thought, because of movies like this, that like, oh, of course, you don't have to wait for Jesus or marriage to have sex, but you should wait until you're in love.
01:15:47
Speaker
And I definitely had that that sort of vibe but um until I realized that I was in college and it was too late to wait for love. Uh... Don't.
01:15:59
Speaker
You'll wait forever. You will miss out on college entirely. Yeah. Yeah. i I was a victim of, like, having to really, really like someone. Mm-hmm.
01:16:14
Speaker
And um missed opportunities, Kit. Like, it... i Maybe I would have learned to quit licking the ABCs earlier if I had just shot you not hung out with my dumb friends at the bar instead of going home with that lady who said my boyfriend's out of town.
01:16:35
Speaker
Well, not Garrett. ah Did you even recognize that someone saying my boyfriend's out of town was an invitation to have sex? Or were you doing a classic Garrett? Like, Oh, that's nice. Glad your boyfriend's, uh, does that mean you get the house yourself? You can watch whatever movie you want you don't have to, to wait and watch, wait till sports is over.
01:16:53
Speaker
Is that, is that what you're trying to tell me? Kip, this is exactly one of those Garrett things. I remember this. It was my birthday. but This was my freshman year roommate's friend who was like around our room a lot. This is probably my sophomore.
01:17:11
Speaker
No, this would have been like junior year. So it's the cellar. You know, the cellar you've been there. i do. She bought me a shot. And then she was like, Hey, do you want to come over to my place? My boyfriend's out of town. i was like, Oh no, I'm here with my dumb friends.
01:17:25
Speaker
And then went and hung out with my dumb friends. And you know what We probably had a great time. Yeah. I bet you did. My brain didn't even clock until like five years.
01:17:36
Speaker
No, it took you five years later to realize that that woman wanted to have sex with you. Oh, um for sure. I probably woke up in a cold sweat five years later. What?
01:17:48
Speaker
My chance. Garrett, that's beautiful. Honestly, I mean, I bet like maybe, maybe she was a serial killer and maybe dodged a bullet.
01:18:01
Speaker
You know? Maybe. We'll never know. We'll never know. Um, oh, and then of course we end with Bittersweet Symphony. God, the song's so good. the movie The movie's good. So, okay, I guess we should say that like So he gives her the diary and she's going to forgive him.
01:18:23
Speaker
But then cello player saved the last dance ah has been sent out to get him by Sarah Michelle Gellar. And he's like, you had sex with Cecile. And he's like, yeah, i did do that.
01:18:36
Speaker
And then he's like, I'm going to hit. I'm going to fight you. They decide to fight in the middle of the street right by Central Park. Don't know why. seems like a bad place for a fight. um And then, you know, ah Reese Witherspoon's like, you know, I'm just trying to help. But she rolls into the street and Brian Felipe, Philippi?
01:18:56
Speaker
I'm never going to figure it out. Sebastian shoves ah her out of the way of the moving taxi, gets hit by the cab and dies tragically.
Film's Climax and Conclusion
01:19:06
Speaker
And then at the memorial service,
01:19:09
Speaker
At the first day of school, ah Reese Witherspoon ah has printed out copies of the journal for everyone in the school so that everybody knows all of her secrets and and knows about the cocaine necklace and knows about all of it.
01:19:27
Speaker
And she gets grabbed by the headmaster, sees cocaine necklace, and lone tear rolls down her cheek. And I'm like, damn.
01:19:40
Speaker
I don't necessarily think she deserved this. Also, did he put her in his will to get that car? ah Here's the thing.
01:19:51
Speaker
He has absentee parents that I just don't think cared. I think she stole that car and they do not give a shit. Yeah. We didn't even see them at the funeral, just in the picture with Bill Clinton.
01:20:03
Speaker
It's true. I do like that she took it upon herself to give his diary, his burn book, a title. That is true, because he had his own title for it that I do not recall what it was, but it was not Cruel Intentions, the name of the movie.
01:20:18
Speaker
It was. No, when she opened it. Didn't say like Intentions and then something colon something? Yes, it does on the the printed copy. I don't think it was Cruel Intentions on his handwritten copy. I think it was just like, in my twisty dark mind.
01:20:36
Speaker
So you're telling me that Reese had notes on his burn book? She had some like editorial notes? Yes. And so she titled it Cruel Intentions.
01:20:49
Speaker
Apparently the working title of the movie was Cruel Inventions. And people thought that seemed too sci-fi. It's not a good title. So worse. Let's go through these.
01:21:00
Speaker
I'm ready to get to the numbers just out of curiosity. I want to start. but Are you going to ask me this time since it's my birthday? Is that what's happening here? Yeah, it's time for you to blow out the candles.
01:21:14
Speaker
How many candles? Let's find out. Mm hmm. Scale of one to ten. Were you roused? We do a scale of one to five. This is why you're not allowed to be in charge of this.
01:21:26
Speaker
One to ten this time. I've been drinking. wow. is we That's how we got on. We had a couple libations for Kit's birthday. so We did. but That's how we is how we ended up on Kinkade. That's how we ended up with the Kinkade cast.
01:21:41
Speaker
One to five. one to five i hmm okay the kiss is is great uh ryan looks good reese looks good sarah looks good even selma blair looks good and they put her in a koala shirt um there is so little that you actually get to see which i guess the characters are supposed to be teenagers so somebody felt like they weren't allowed to show boobies just Ryan's ass, which I feel a little cheated on to be honest. like they went
01:22:14
Speaker
They tried so hard to make the movie salacious, they even made them step-siblings and added a girl-on-girl kiss, but they didn't want to show us nothing. They talk so sexy in the movie.
01:22:28
Speaker
They do. and they do a lot of sexy things where they're like touching each other and they're close to each other. and I can't be unbiased with this, right? Because this was way too sexy of a movie for me to have seen when I did. And so I associate it with being an extremely sexy movie. So I'm going to have to put it, if if I'm being honest with myself, at a three and a half to four.
01:22:57
Speaker
Whoa. yeah Wait. So I told you I'm biased. I'm biased. I can't help it. I know. Objectively speaking, it is more like a one and a half, but my heart, the heart hath reasons, Eric, which reason knoweth not.
01:23:12
Speaker
And those reasons say that it should be a three and a half. Man. I guess I should have 12 year old kit rated. And then. if If we were doing that, then according to 12-year-old Kit, it was 5 out of 5 best, most erotic movie ever.
01:23:31
Speaker
And me, as an adult, is putting it more at like a 1.5. So, yeah. yeah
Arousal Ratings and Soundtrack Evaluation
01:23:39
Speaker
Why? How did you feel? i I mean, yeah, it... I guess if you look at it, like, I think most of the movies, I think it's fair to say, I don't want to watch these movies we watch with my parents.
01:23:53
Speaker
oh And even though this movie isn't as visually sexual, dialogue-wise, there's things that I don't want to hear with my mom. um You know, like, I don't...
01:24:06
Speaker
i I still have to give it like a one, though. I mean, this, like, I'm not mad at you. It's your birthday. Thank you. You're not allowed to be mad at me on my birthday.
01:24:17
Speaker
And if I, well, you didn't say nice things to that that nice lady in college. That was forever ago. Well, I haven't made learned my lessons yet. I'll be nice next year.
01:24:31
Speaker
No, am going to give it a go therapy, fuck your therapist's kid, and then come back to me and tell me how you really feel. No, I do think I have to give it a one, but I do think that, no, I agree. I think that number would be different if we talked to 11 or 12 year old Garrett that saw this when it came out.
01:24:50
Speaker
And probably even high school Garrett. High school me also thought it was very sexy and soundtrack's still full of bangers. Well, the soundtrack doesn't get rated in these N numbers.
01:25:03
Speaker
It should. I'm giving it a five out of five. this Okay, this might be one of the better soundtracks. I know Nine and a Half Weeks, I think, was the one that had like a really best-selling soundtrack.
01:25:16
Speaker
And that was pretty good, too. This one, I think, probably closer stuff we listened to growing up, so it probably takes the edge there. But ah were you thrilled, Kit? One to five.
01:25:27
Speaker
One? I mean... Listen, ah the stakes are extraordinarily low um because what's the worst thing that happens to Reese Witherspoon? yeah She might lose her virginity to be a guy that's kind of a shithead.
01:25:44
Speaker
um ryan Ryan does die. That does happen. Our main guy does get hit by a cab, but it happens very suddenly. There's no buildup. There's no foreshadowing. There's no reason to feel all that thrilled.
01:26:00
Speaker
It's not even like his head explodes when he gets hit by the cat. No, he's got have one little scratch. Like when he died, I was genuinely shocked. I knew somebody in the movie died. I didn't remember which one it was exactly, but I was fucking shocked that that was what killed him.
01:26:19
Speaker
Oh, I definitely remembered that that was what killed him. um I would say that The cocaine necklace gave me a thrill, especially as a 12-year-old. That was wild.
01:26:34
Speaker
ah Knowing you could kiss girls, that was pretty exciting. um But no, it's certainly not a... Again, the stakes are abysmally low until suddenly someone dies.
01:26:50
Speaker
Let me put it this way, folks. In fear... Mark Wahlberg beheads a family dog and throws it through a doggy door. Yes. In this movie, two blonde people are kind of cunty.
01:27:10
Speaker
Well, when you put it that way, Garrett, yeah like if What am I supposed to do? What if these trust fund rich kids get kicked out of their private school? Oh no, they'll still be rich and beautiful.
01:27:29
Speaker
oh no
01:27:33
Speaker
i give this a zero. This gets a full zero for thrills. I'm not mad at you. I want to reiterate this to you. This movie is not thrilling. no more than anything. I was just shocked when such a light blow killed him.
01:27:48
Speaker
Like that was a blow that pro wrestlers take off. Like I've seen, I've seen that happen. I've seen i mean know someone get hit by a car live at a pro wrestling show. And it's it. The car was not going particularly fast. This was not a highway. This was right by Grand or right by Central Park where everybody has to drive kind of slow anyway, because there's so pedestrians everywhere. Right.
01:28:15
Speaker
right ah If you told me that he got hit by a car and it somehow set off his leukemia that was really fast acting. I'm like, okay, okay. that i've Yeah, I think I read that that could happen, right?
01:28:30
Speaker
It's internal bleeding. Just because his beautiful face is still perfect. and His heart, right? little yeah oh he always had a bad heart. Didn't you know? They mentioned that in the beginning, that he had a heart condition. and You just didn't that. in a broken heart.
01:28:46
Speaker
Oh. Well, then it should have been fixed when she said, I love you, right? As he was dying.
Modern Views on Sexual Themes in Media
01:28:54
Speaker
Kit, would you ruin your life for these people? 100%. Yes, I would. Any of them? All of them. Maybe not several of them. Like three main cast? Baranski, get the fuck out of my way. I'm going to push you into the gutter to get to Baranski. 100%. Yes, would ruin my life for any of them.
01:29:10
Speaker
one hundred one hundred percent yes ah normal my life for any of them Here's the thing is especially me as a young teen would have been very susceptible to these manipulative people who are much more sexually experienced than I am.
01:29:24
Speaker
There's no way I was prepared to deal with that. I would have been manipulated as easily as Reese Witherspoon was maybe more so because i didn't have her 17 magazine manifesto.
01:29:38
Speaker
Manifesto as well. like like I read your manifesto. Funniest thing said in this movie to me, actually. i did like that the cover of the Seventeen magazine was a little bit of an Easter egg to throw in one more of the I Know What You Did Last Summer cast.
01:29:54
Speaker
We're only missing Freddie Prinze Jr. Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe were... two fourths of the movie Sarah Michelle Jennifer Love Hewitt throw in there there's another one and then and but hadn't thought about that because that would have come out like a year or so beforehand another great movie certainly intentional oh sure
01:30:21
Speaker
um It did take this movie for me to... I'm a big fan. Something that I am attracted to in people is unique nose shapes. Sarah Michelle Gellar has a very sexy nose.
01:30:33
Speaker
She has a very cute nose. I will not deny it. She was... I would... Yeah? Yeah, no. this i would I would kill for her in this movie. Yeah.
01:30:47
Speaker
uh yeah i no longer looked at her as is my savior ah buffy summers no instead she is going to sexually manipulate and ruin your life um and you're just gonna have to be okay with that and if at some point you end up uh you know shoved into the little trundle bed under her bed to hide from her stepbrother briefly Yeah, well, I get to kill him with a taxi.
01:31:15
Speaker
Which the idea that a house that has clearly like 13 bedrooms would need a trundle bed one of the rooms is hilarious.
01:31:27
Speaker
this This movie is, like I said, I very i did enjoy watching the movie. it is It is a sexy movie. It is not an erotic thriller. No, I'm sorry, but it's my birthday, so y'all can get over it. Well, that means next year for mine, we're watching Crank 2. Because at least we'll put the thrills high.
01:31:50
Speaker
And the sex! There's so much sex in that movie. It's not an erotic thriller. um No, I did enjoy watching it, and I do think it's interesting that it almost is... like I don't know.
01:32:03
Speaker
Do you think they could make this movie today? People are always like, you couldn't make a Mel Brooks movie today. And it's like, don't, you just want to be able to say the N word. You're a terrible person. ah Mel Brooks was a creative genius, is a creative genius.
01:32:17
Speaker
Shut the fuck up. um Do you think though, that they could make this movie today, ah movie that is this sexually explicit about teenagers specifically?
01:32:28
Speaker
Yeah. So I didn't watch it, but it sounds like Euphoria is wildly sexual. And that's about high school kids. Oh, is it really? And that's Sidney Sweeney and I don't know who else. I mean, shit ton of famous people in that show now.
01:32:44
Speaker
um But I know it's like wildly sexual. So I do think you could. And that's why I like with the Mel Brooks thing, when people say that, it's like in what you just said with the N word. I mean, ah Django Unchained existed and there is literally a scene in that like where they' I think there's like the clan surrounding a wagon. and the scene is so funny that it honestly feels like it could have been pulled straight from Blazing Saddles.
01:33:14
Speaker
Yeah. If you're funny, you can do anything. That's the thing, is it just has to be it has to be genuinely good. And ah i don't know I don't know. Also, they they tell me they tell me that the teens this these days aren't having sex.
01:33:31
Speaker
So, you know, ah maybe maybe none of this is relevant to them anymore. Maybe the idea of a movie about ah extremely sexually experienced sex ah teenagers ah involving themselves in dangerous sexual games is ah not relevant to them.
01:33:52
Speaker
That's true. I don't know that they're not having sex, but I think that as far as I definitely heard like nudity and sex on screen and is something that the new generation doesn't want to see. Good news for you. There's none to here.
01:34:07
Speaker
Yeah, you'll love this. But no, they grew up with pornography on their telephones and we had to watch this movie and use our imagination. Mm-hmm. Yeah, back in my day.
01:34:20
Speaker
Back in my day, I just watched Two Girls Kiss, and that did it for me.
01:34:27
Speaker
It wasn't even in porn. They played it at the MTV, you know, movie awards or whatever. Didn't have all your fancy Thomas Kinkade sex lighthouses.
01:34:38
Speaker
If I wanted to see two step-siblings kiss, I had to watch a movie. And now, hey, maybe it's going to come back, though. Maybe, actually.
01:34:49
Speaker
This could be. Because the government is banning porn in so many cities. I can't access it. What? What? Yeah, I can't access any of the porn sites.
01:35:00
Speaker
Are you joking with me? So like if I got a VPN and put it in, I could. Yeah. Garrett, are you serious? Me living in my beautiful liberal paradise of of Illinois where I can have all the abortions and weed I want. I can also, you i I can get porn. You can't?
01:35:19
Speaker
Here, let me go to my phone and type in Pornhub and show you what happens. I didn't know this was a thing they did. i didn't know this was a thing they could
01:35:33
Speaker
Dear user, oh my God. Requiring us to verify your age, your ID card. wow So, yeah, basically ah what like a lot of the states in the South want you to do is to make sure that kids don't get on this.
01:35:51
Speaker
Want you to like they would basically make the law to where Pornhub, I would have to upload my driver's license every on I'm not giving pornographers my driver's license.
01:36:05
Speaker
Well, and that's what Pornhub is saying with that message is they're saying like, we don't want to be in charge of this. Yeah, can you imagine the data nightmare, the absolute nightmare if that gets hacked?
01:36:18
Speaker
No, sir. But I did see that here, like OnlyFans does do that. So if I did want to get on OnlyFans, I would have to like upload a photo or whatever of my driver's license.
01:36:31
Speaker
And that seems really fucked up. I had no that ah you were living in a dystopia. i mean just a couple states away. I could just get a VPN.
01:36:44
Speaker
Yeah. But I also haven't done that. so So now you have to watch these erotic thrillers with me because why do this is your only outlet.
Personal Growth and Reflection
01:36:57
Speaker
and That and them Thomas Kinkade paintings. It's made life rough because I also was on this new medication that is making me wildly fucking horny over the last year.
01:37:11
Speaker
And that's insane that I've hit this weird thing. There's nowhere to put this energy. Thomas Kinkade knows where to put it. That's why minister. I got a paint.
01:37:25
Speaker
I just got to paint. Got paint. Got paint hacky bullshit and pretend to love Jesus. Tell him I haven't even kissed a woman yet. I'm saving myself. And then ah get caught with some sex workers down by the dock or something. You have a son. It's a little hard for you to pretend that you haven't even kissed a woman, Garrett.
01:37:44
Speaker
I don't know how he got here. Also, I've seen you kiss a woman. I was even at your wedding. You kissed a woman. was like, what the fuck? Okay, yeah, that makes sense.
01:37:57
Speaker
Also, I've been to some of your parties, so I'm sure you have. Hell yeah. yeah
01:38:03
Speaker
Goddamn, this is a long one. We've gone longer than the movie. It was a little freeform this time, because it's my birthday, and we've been drinking. yeah Also, I think this movie would have been silly to go scene to scene because it's like, i think a lot of the stuff in it is funny on purpose where a lot of the times with these we're like goofing on some shit. And this one is, I think overall a competently made movie with some weird decisions.
01:38:31
Speaker
It is. And I recommend it. I'm not sure going to recommend it to any 12 year olds out there. But, you know, as far as things I saw that scarred me when I was a child and I saw them, this ranks nowhere near Leprechaun. Leprechaun fucked me up way worse than this did.
01:38:51
Speaker
I would say a weekend of renting all of the traces and faces of death films in junior high did for me. Yeah, you saw The Scary Little Man. i watched 30 hours of actual death.
01:39:07
Speaker
And here we are. This explains a lot about you. yeah does. I feel like I shouldn't have given that away. People are like, ah, there it is. ah but But now you can take it to your therapist. And before you have sex with her daughter and post the revenge porn to the internet, ah you can talk about how those movies influenced the man you became today.
01:39:32
Speaker
How did they, though? I feel like I didn't kill anyone. I'm fairly nice. Nicer than me, as we proved. I would have never said that mean thing. In front of a group of people, I think you said, too.
01:39:48
Speaker
Yeah. and mind I was trying. I just I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to name names and like get anybody in trouble. And in my defense, it was common knowledge that she did butt stuff.
01:40:01
Speaker
Maybe she deserved to know. She needed to know that everybody knew that she did butt stuff. This was like 17 years ago or something. Seven, 16, 15, 16, 17 years ago. We're 16 years ago. Yeah.
01:40:13
Speaker
We'll put it in the past. I don't think you would do this now. I'm not the, I'm not that person anymore. I've, I've worked hard on myself. But also maybe saying it out loud made her realize that it was silly. Yeah. I don't think it did, but... No.
01:40:29
Speaker
No, I think it just made her hate me. Which... Fair. Fair. I deserve that.
01:40:39
Speaker
Just licking Bible verses on her.
01:40:43
Speaker
John 316. the double dots for the colon in there. Were you allowed to in the front or was it only in the... Only in the back, obviously. Otherwise, Jesus would get mad.
01:40:57
Speaker
would Do you think you'd be able to tell the letters easier in the front or the back?
01:41:07
Speaker
I don't know. My heart says the back, but maybe... My heart says the back, but my back says the front? LAUGHTER
01:41:25
Speaker
And on that note, everybody, thank you for joining us. Happy birthday.
01:41:35
Speaker
I'm so sorry that you got um reprimanded on this for your past behavior.
Closing Remarks and Audience Interaction
01:41:41
Speaker
it just wasn't appropriate to do on your birthday episode.
01:41:47
Speaker
You know what? It's all right. It's fine. Stay lovey. Yep. all right, everybody. Hey, like Kit said, rate, review, subscribe on whatever platform you're listening to this on.
01:42:00
Speaker
At Erotic Thriller Club on Instagram. EroticThrillerClub at gmail.com. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, recommendations, I don't care.
01:42:11
Speaker
Write us. Say hi. We'll say hi back. And otherwise, thank you for listening. We love you. Wet your snails. We want to shake you naked and eat you alive.
01:42:31
Speaker
What else should we throw into that? Be sure to keep your light off if you're not at all. Watch out for the alphabet man, Thomas T.K. He is the bye-bye man. The pee-pee-poo-poo man or whatever it was called.
01:42:43
Speaker
Get out of here. Bye. is the bye bye man the pee pee poo-oo man or whatever was kid outta here i