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Revenge (1990)
65 Plays8 months ago
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club we are taking a look at the Tony Scott/Kevin Costner film Revenge. With those 2 names attached it can't be that bad right? Is Kevin Costner Robin Williams levels of hairy? Is Mexico Jeep sex now on my bucketlist? Is this movie worse than Meridian? We're answering the big questions.
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Transcript
Introduction to The Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, don't bring your beloved dog on your Mexico adultery trip, and gather around your radio. It's time for this week's meeting of The Erotic Thriller Club.
Exploring the Movie 'Revenge'
00:01:10
Speaker
You're a retired fighter pilot who's going to Mexico to play tennis with your scary old businessman friend. Your friend's wife is very attractive, and you can't help yourself from continually having ravenous clothes on sex with her. Her husband gets very sad, beats your ass, and sends her to live out the rest of her days as a prostitute. All you can do is pick yourself up, dust off your shoulders, grab John Leguizamo, and get some This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, revenge.
Hosts Introduce Themselves and Their Approach
00:01:42
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here. And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would I ruin my life for this person? And Garrett, I have a problem.
Quality and Genre Classification of 'Revenge'
00:02:02
Speaker
this oh no this was This was worse than Meridian.
00:02:09
Speaker
in parts. Garrett, I do not forgive you for the fact that you put this in front of my eyeballs, because it was awful. Okay, so folks, we watched Revenge, the 1990 film starring Kevin Costner, directed by Tony Scott, the late great Tony Scott, made a lot of movies. We were a little less convinced on the great part right now.
00:02:36
Speaker
You've seen Top Gun, you've seen Man on Fire, you've seen Unstoppable, all great movies. But here's the thing, Kit, I hadn't heard of this movie. It turns out that was for a very good reason. Yeah, in this movie, it seems like a lot of people debate whether it should even be considered an erotic thriller. I don't think the filmmakers do, but I think it's a movie that in retrospect does, because erotic, debatably thrilling,
00:03:05
Speaker
Erotic though. There's sex in it and there's there is murder in it. So I feel like it kind of fits. Yeah, it's not like a Michael Douglas like somebody, but it is. It is. Somebody's fucking around. But it's from the point of view of the guy who's fucking around with someone else's wife.
Improvised Scenes and Pacing Issues
00:03:24
Speaker
I feel like that still counts.
00:03:26
Speaker
So the sex scenes, before we even get into them, I'll just tell you this. I found out Tony Scott didn't hire a choreographer. He just let him improv. That was jazz, baby. That was butt dutching jazz. How lovely for them, I guess. But you should be happy.
00:03:50
Speaker
Because, yes, I did have you watch Revenge, and you did think it was worse than Meridian, but you did see the director's cut, which is 20 minutes shorter than the theatrical. There were 20 more minutes of this god-awful shit? And...
00:04:08
Speaker
The late, great Tony Scott knew that it could be 20 minutes shorter and gave you this version. i would like Do you know what what was cut? What did they remove from this?
00:04:21
Speaker
I have feelings, like there were times in it where I'm like, cause I, I mean, like you, I didn't love this movie. There were things I really enjoyed in this movie, but there were a couple of scenes where it seemed like they just cut to a thing happening. I'm like, thanks bud. I didn't want you to see the how we got here either. OK, but I feel like the OK, this movie has serious pacing problems in that the first half takes four fucking ever. And the second half, they're introducing brand new characters with 20 minutes left to go in the movie. Mm hmm. It is insane. They're like, here's a new character. Care about him. Just kidding. He's dead. Bye. Well, you know, in the theatrical cut, maybe they weren't introduced so quickly.
00:05:09
Speaker
Maybe, maybe there was 40 minutes left, but seriously, you don't- I was kept waiting for John Leguizamo and I was like, I got to the point where I was like, I guess I must have missed him. I guess he he must have been in a really small scene earlier in the movie, because it's far too late to introduce him now. We are in the very last stretch of this movie, and then he just pops up looking so young and adorable, and I'm like, oh!
00:05:36
Speaker
There's 15 minutes left. Hello, sir. And the movie that it starts out by showing us seems like a completely different movie than the one I am about to watch. You mean the random Top Gun opening? Well, he'd already made Top Gun, and you know, that was a big deal. And I guess Tony Scott still had access to jets.
00:05:59
Speaker
ah ah Yeah, so why not? ah Like they even give them like they show that he and his buddy ah have like their little military nicknames, you know, like you got your maverick and goose or whatever. These are ghost and Joker. And I'm like, those are the most generic fucking nicknames of all time. But then it never even comes up. They never call each other by those names. He calls him Sir. He calls Costner Sir.
00:06:28
Speaker
Yeah, that seemed like a rewrite situation. The whole time he's calling him Sir, I guess like that is a. Next thing you know that turns out they fucking live together and maybe their boyfriends.
Kevin Costner's Appeal and Character Dynamics
00:06:40
Speaker
I felt like they were boyfriends Garrett discuss. I never got the sense that they were boyfriends because. easily Costner in this movie just looks like he can I mean Costner.
00:06:54
Speaker
is all of our mom's favorite guy. every like ah Collectively, everyone in America's mom wanted to do fuck Kevin Costner between 1985 and now. That's probably true. I think my mom was disappointed in dances with wolves though. But most people's moms weren't.
00:07:16
Speaker
And that movie bought him so much goodwill that he got to make pretty much whatever he wanted the rest of his career. This is what he wanted? Well, this came before Dances with Wolves. Didn't this actually come out the same year? It was 1990 that this came out.
00:07:37
Speaker
So yeah, this came out right before Dances with Wolves. Dances with Wolves came out later the same year. So up till this point, like the first big movie I would say is The Untouchables. And then he followed that with Bull Durham and Field of Dreams back to back. Those much better movies. He's a baseball guy. Those aren't his last baseball movies either. He did more baseball movies. He's got a good base for baseball. but it's So you didn't...
00:08:05
Speaker
So you didn't think that they, that Costner and his fly boy, fly boy buddy were boyfriends. Cause that was definitely the vibe I got was that they seemed like they lived together. Costner's leaving town and this guy is like really sad about it.
Bizarre Relationships and Dynamics in 'Revenge'
00:08:25
Speaker
And it's like, when are you coming back? He seems to be a living in Costner's house while he's away.
00:08:33
Speaker
um He's watching it. He tells him, like, take care of my house. Yeah, but, like, Casa is taking the dog with him. You don't need to have a guy watching your house. I get the feeling they already lived together. I think that that's just some residual Top Gun bleeding into the opening of this movie. He gave him a necklace with a a piece of ass. ah Come on.
00:09:00
Speaker
I am deeply confused at the relationship though. I think it's ah just ah a disrespectful relationship with, I've got a few of those where I certainly, like I have friends that I would relentlessly fuck with and then be like, I'm not stopping and you can call me sir. As he tortures his friend who is also a fighter pilot. Yes.
00:09:23
Speaker
Like the opening scene is just them flying in a Top Gun style sequence. We're very much Maverick, but he's like torturing his buddy who's the co-pilot, but the other guys acting like he has a desk job and this is his first time in a jet. he's like i so i know yeah and Also, they don't have a mission. They're just flying like because it's his retirement party or something. It's one of those pre-retirement party flybys. He's like, sir, sir, mum but but but but but barf. like yeah
00:09:57
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I guess that's supposed to imply that Costner is that big of a dick and I guess that good of a pilot that he can do moves that are going to make even another fighter pilot barf. It is the first of the red flags of is this character a piece of shit.
00:10:17
Speaker
her ah hu Okay, so yeah after he gets back, they have ah you find out it's his retirement. They throw a party for him, give him a Rolex. And i yeah this was funny, because like you know his buddy is watching his house, and as he's there talking to him before he leaves, he's just sitting there. He is disrespectful right back. He is blowing smoke directly in his dog's face, that whole scene.
00:10:42
Speaker
Uh, they forgot that, but yes, that is true. Um, and and another gift he receives at this retirement party is a mysterious one from, uh, it's a shotgun, I guess. It's, it is the weirdest thing. It is for opening of this movie and you have given this character Chekhov's shotgun in a box that then never gets fired. And I'm so mad about it. Like we never see that shotgun get used. Why did you give me this shotgun?
00:11:13
Speaker
I'm less angry about that than, like, the whole room's like, oh, he knows that scary businessman. They're friends. I still don't know why these guys know each other. No, it's bizarre. Koster's best friend in the world is apparently El Chapo.
00:11:32
Speaker
Yeah. What the fuck? Like, so he's going to Mexico to hang out and it turns out like their friendship revolves around them playing tennis. And I guess they go hunting together, hence the shotgun gift and the fact that he tell like at one point the kingpin is like, Costner saved my life on a hunting trip, so I owe him.
00:11:55
Speaker
ah and None of that is explained. How did they meet each other? Why do they know each other? Why does he like him so much? like Why is he so good at tennis? That is a genuine question. I felt like it's a weird sport to choose. Why not golf? Golf seems more realistic somehow.
00:12:20
Speaker
I love though that as he's pulling up to this house, he meets the guy's wife who's young hottie, like immediately red flags from her too, because guys, guess what we got again, another fucking horse girl. Horse girl, yep, she's out there walking her horse. I don't care how good an ass looks in riding pants, avoid a horse girl. It's true.
00:12:46
Speaker
Although she's not the one who does the crazy shit this time, so I don't think you can really put this on her. That's true. And then again, no, she makes some poor choices too. So yeah, avoid the horse girls. Just stay away. It's just it's good advice. Trust like this is our advice. Just stay away. Like even if there's no immediate red flags, something down the line, you're going to be like, I should have listened to Garrett and Kit.
00:13:13
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Just do yourself a favor. Stay away. Next red flag from Kevin Koster is he shows up to the front door and his, uh, the, the, the, what's the bad guy? I was like the bad guy. No, the bad guy's name is Tibby, which is short for Tiburon, which means shark.
00:13:34
Speaker
So your best friend's name is motherfucking shark and he lives at this like big palatial estate in Mexico with a bunch of military men everywhere. Yeah. Round the clock, heavily armed bodyguards at all times and your own friends are like back in the States are like, so he's like a crime guy, right? And you're like, he's good at tennis and he's not. He's my tennis friend.
00:14:01
Speaker
OK, he gets there and his little guy, which is what I always call like this, somebody's a little sidekick, like this guy's just like a little guy. Kevin Costner pulls up and this guy goes, you're two days late and comes back. He's not my boss. He's not the boss of me. And it's like, yeah, but you could have called like it's still rude.
00:14:28
Speaker
I know he's not your boss that you're a guest, but like you still could keep people updated on your travel plans, especially back before cell phones. They might've thought you were dead. The age difference but between El Chapo and his wife has to be 40 years.
00:14:48
Speaker
Absolutely. He says that he or she says that he knew her father. She basically grew up knowing this guy. She doesn't remember a time when she didn't know him, which means their relationship is one zero zero percent grooming like totally groomed. I was confused by that, though, because like she made it seem like at the end of her saying that it was an arranged marriage or whatever, that it was a goof.
00:15:14
Speaker
Yeah, she was like, it was an arranged marriage. just Just kidding. I loved him. And I'm like, no, you didn't. You got it. And as old as this guy is, he has the absolute vibe of a guy who has a young wife who is eventually going to walk out of the bathroom with self dyed jet black hair looking like Dracula.
00:15:39
Speaker
but the oldest flesh that it's like, oh man, this old man has beautiful jet black hair. Oh, his eyebrows are so black. It hasn't happened yet, yeah but it's gone. But seriously, when Costner was like pulling up to this estate, I'm like, is he about to go hunt humans for sport? I genuinely would not have been surprised if that had been the actual plot of this movie is that ah El Chapo ah is is like,
00:16:06
Speaker
Welcome to my ah to to my estate.
Symbolism and Character Inconsistencies
00:16:10
Speaker
ah We will now hunt these American um ah probably like 13 year old girls that I assume he has imported for sports.
00:16:23
Speaker
And honestly, maybe a better movie if that is what this is about. because I don't know that Costner would have said no. I don't know that Costner's character would have been like, but that seems wrong. Yeah, he doesn't have much to say. He doesn't really, this is a, he's fucking weird. He's fucking weird in this movie. Every decision is weird. Every decision is weird. The fact that he's friends with this guy in the first place is weird.
00:16:54
Speaker
Right. so This old man like gets it. The old man invites him to a dinner party with his wife and it's all these political. you I guess political, but they're like political mobsters. Bunch of people gets killed. I don't even really know why or what's going on there because it doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. The point is that number one, we have some of the worst dinner guests I've ever seen in one of these movies because I fish.
00:17:23
Speaker
One of the guys, all he does is make sound effects like Kevin Costner mentions that he flies jets and he goes whoosh whoosh. And then someone mentions a jaguar and he goes. wow And I'm like. Sintillating dinner conversation. I was not sad when that guy got his brains blown out later. He was autistic. God damn it, why did you say that right as I was drinking water?
00:17:52
Speaker
Also, it was absolutely Michael Winslow from Police Academy, just like. sense
00:18:04
Speaker
ah One thing before the dinner party, that the most erotic thing that happens early on is it shows a little jar of caviar, and then it just two fingers deep into the caviar and goes in the mouth.
00:18:18
Speaker
no I'm sorry, but like they've just been playing tennis. He is sweaty. He is dirty. He is gross. And he just this horrible drug kingpin or whatever he is just puts two fingers deep into this bowl of caviar and likes them off. And I was like, if I were Kevin Costner, I would leave right now. This man, this man is unforgivable. And that's before he threw a dog in the pool.
00:18:50
Speaker
I out loud when he did that, put the fingers in the caviar, said, sir, if you treated your wife as well as you're treating that caviar, you she probably wouldn't fuck Kevin Costner later on. Yeah, he really gets those fingers in there. He knows what he's doing.
00:19:11
Speaker
so After this dinner party, like there's murders, but Kevin Costner doesn't see it. Talks to the wife goes home is upset. Apparently this is the first time she has realized she is married to a criminal is when she's like, hey, that one guy was at their dinner party. ah He didn't leave. And ah El Chapo's like, I don't know what you want me to tell you about it. Like, maybe.
00:19:39
Speaker
I don't know what he's very bad at hiding his crimes. And this is the moment where she's like, I guess I can cheat on him. He killed a man. And I'm pretty sure in the great cosmic balance of scales, I am now allowed to cheat on him. So let me go track down Kevin Costner.
00:20:02
Speaker
And it was these next two scenes that made me think because all I knew is that I had heard the movie was not necessarily an erotic thriller, but erotic. And we get to Kevin Costner's Beach House because he doesn't want to stay with El Chapo.
00:20:18
Speaker
And the wife shows up and Costner is making lemonade and he's squeezing limes. And ah it is the most erotic thing. Like this is 1950s eroticism. Like I thought, yeah OK, they're standing too close to each other, like just a little too close. And you can see they're both a little uncomfortable with it. The limes represent his balls. He himself is getting juiced. kit It's true.
00:20:47
Speaker
It was like hit the whole time, it just looks like he is coming in his pants while he's making this eliminate. And he can't contain himself. He's so horny. He's so horny. And then they go outside. They're standing by and they've not kissed or anything. They just like clearly aren't going to do it. Then they go outside and it starts raining and you're like, oh no. And even he knows when I get wet, I am. No one can resist me. Everyone tries to fuck me when I get wet. We can't know.
00:21:17
Speaker
And don't forget, Garrett, they had already had him reading poetry to her. So we'd already had a little flirtation going on. um It is the worst Spanish speaking I've ever heard. ah Costner sounds terrible saying it.
00:21:36
Speaker
um And even then they're like, ah she's she's like, Oh, you speak Spanish? And he's like, Well, I was stationed in Madrid for three years. And that's how good you are at Spanish.
00:21:48
Speaker
Also, though, like this could have been a way where you explained how he knows this random fucking Mexican kingpin. Like explain that you, I don't know, lived in Mexico for a while. You may not look Spanish, but actually you're a boila. Like fucking do something. Like there was a way you could have tied it in to actually explain how he knows this man, but instead they're like, na nah, nah.
00:22:15
Speaker
Madrid.
00:22:19
Speaker
Unrelated. Also, they establish he speaks Spanish only to spend the second half of the movie having him have to have everything translated for him. He never understands another word of Spanish. I don't understand what happened with this script because apparently the short story was good enough that so many people tried to make this movie.
00:22:43
Speaker
i I don't know why, but okay. El Chapo originally was, they were trying to get, um and he wanted to do it. Jack Nicholson wanted to do that part, and he wanted to direct the movie. Costner wanted to be in it and direct the movie. John Huston wanted to make it, but not have them in it. he like i This is the most generic story of all time, except for the parts that are completely inexplicable. I don't know why anyone would want to make this movie. Why was everyone so obsessed with the idea? I think because it's fucking hot because, you know, like he cut the limes, he splooged, then they go outside, the waves are crashing, she gooshed.
00:23:32
Speaker
There was a lot of sploogen and gushion in that scene, but without any touching. And it did get sexier without him ever having to remove an article of clothing kit. It's true. he We're right on the tails of our first sex, like we're right up to our first sex scene. It is hot. He doesn't remove an item. He is in a suit. He's in a tuxedo. Yeah, it's one of those tuxedos that has an open fly so that you can just whip your dick out. That's a thing, right?
00:24:02
Speaker
Is that a rich guy thing or is that a poor guy thing? it No, that's an El Chapo thing. I love that he, his little guy is so suspicious. ah El Chapo's little guy is just the second that party's going on, he's like sneaking in bushes. He's just like peeking over fences. He's just like, I don't fucking trust this guy. And he's right. He's completely right.
00:24:26
Speaker
But yeah, the so Costner and ah the wife are out on the beach together and they're like, oh, we're so alike. We both do nothing all day and are very bored by it. And we think dogs are funny. Of course we're going to have sex. We're in love. I'm like, both of you just need a fucking job is what you need. I don't know.
00:24:54
Speaker
Why Kevin Costner is retired at the age of like 40. Apparently I get the feeling he's only paying for his retirement slash vacation by hustling people at tennis. Like what what is this? Get a job. Get a fucking job.
00:25:17
Speaker
Get out of the house once in a while is what she needs. She needs a job, too. Both of you are only in love with each other because you have nothing else going on. That's true. That's true. You actually solved that for me because I kind of forgot that bit and just they just so quickly were just in love for no real reason. But you're right. They're two bored people. But he's he's only been retired for three days.
00:25:46
Speaker
He got bored real fast. Plus, there he was two days late, if you'll recall, coming in here. So, you know, he was bored for that time. So we go to El Chapo's Quinceañera, which is really happening where a lot of people have gathered to watch an old man and suspenders dance real zazzy in the center of a room.
00:26:11
Speaker
Absolutely. There's a mariachi band and fireworks and I was a little worried the mariachi band was gonna get lit on fire there for a second. Those hats look flammable. But those two sneak off to a coat room, lock the door. The little guy follows and tries to- So rude. So rude. Do not fuck in a coat room, people. People need to get in there and get their coats. Uncool. Also- No one is gonna leave at the height of the Quinceanera. Chappy hadn't even cut the cake yet.
00:26:50
Speaker
You're right, Garrett. You're right. Well, i'm I am the fool for thinking anyone might want to leave early at this amazing quinceañera.
00:27:01
Speaker
What did you think of this sex scene? Okay, well, first of all, I thought Costner looked and he's a very he's a very good looking man, but they have dressed him in a buttoned up white shirt buttoned all the way up to the neck. No suit jacket. No tie. He looks like a fucking loser. I hate it. It's bad. Unbutton your damn shirt. Instead, he just goes and has sex shirt still buttoned. I hate you.
00:27:31
Speaker
ah Yeah, I didn't understand this like he's a hot guy everybody thought he was hot is Costner like okay in pro wrestling there's some wrestlers that are just shirt-on wrestlers like not everybody can have a six-pack and we do see later that yeah Honestly like he' at one point right we see him shirtless We do, but his whole like body, like he's got a hot head, and it's not that he's not in shape, but his body is basically Robin Williams' body.
00:28:03
Speaker
He's a hairy fucking dude. He is a hairy man. That's true. Is that what they were worried about? Do you think he's self-conscious? Do you think he has like really hairy arms and like a hairy back? so he fucks with The only time he fucks with any clothes off is like his shirt is open, but he still has pants. like That dude must be a full rug. He's a never nude.
00:28:30
Speaker
He's just a never nude. ah I love the sex scene, though, like he pushes her up against a mirror. He pulls her dress up. So you get to look at her ass twice. You get to see her ass. ah She's wearing like garters and stuff. It's really cute. She looks good. He is giving nothing in there. I'm sorry, viewers, if you are into the male body because you are left wanting.
Significant Erotic Scenes Analyzed
00:28:56
Speaker
You see it like a brief flash of her boobs because now they're on a bed. Don't know how that happened. Why is there a bed in your coat room? arrow And then yeah I wrote boobs and then dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Well, that didn't last long.
00:29:13
Speaker
Yeah, her her nudity is mostly centered towards the ass throughout this movie. And his nudity, we do see some cheeks later on, but not in a sexual way. um I loved this coat room scene though, cause like they they start fucking and then it's like she got mad at him and punches him in the face. And then he turns and in a fit of rage, throws the coats. He grabs ah a whole rack of coats and throws them and then they fuck a little more.
00:29:42
Speaker
And as they're fucking and you see Chappy in the middle of the room doing his dance, he just has this moment like his Spidey sends Tangled and it's like his infidelity bell went off. Wait, hold on. I'm doing my little dance and my wife isn't here to cheer on my little dance. She must be fucking someone.
00:30:05
Speaker
Chappie in this movie is so sad. Like, he really loved her. He did. He really did. Well, he shouldn't have cheated on her because he had a mistress, too. And also he wouldn't let her have a baby because it would ruin her body. We should mention that El Chapo is played by the same guy who plays the the drug kingpin in Last Action Hero.
00:30:29
Speaker
Uh, by the way, um, which I love, uh, and he does a really good job. Like his acting is very, like in many ways, despite being the worst person here, he is more sympathetic than our leads at times because he's showing emotion on his face, which is novel.
00:30:50
Speaker
Yeah, he is played by Anthony Quinn who was in, um he was in Lawrence of Arabia. So he's a lot classier than my last action hero reference would probably i am imply. i I appreciate that and I've absolutely seen it more times than Lawrence of Arabia. Absolutely. absolutely absolutely So yes, i I do appreciate what you've done there. Thank you.
00:31:20
Speaker
But it's like, I'm sorry, Kevin Costner, you don't recognize that this man is a drug ah kingpin or a mafioso or whatever. Like, did you not see him in Last Action Hero? Well, I guess didn't it hadn't come out yet. He didn't even consider what would happen if he ruined a a kingpin's birthday party. I know.
00:31:41
Speaker
so And mostly what it is, is that dude is so sad the rest of the movie. Like you literally, like when he realizes that his best friend is sleeping with his wife, you see him in his bed sideways with his arms crossed. And they're like, boss, what if we brought you another lady? He's like, well, you could try, but it's probably not gonna help. And then later do bring him another lady. And he's like, she's not my wife. She's not my wife. And it's like, do you want us to kill Kevin Costner? and it's like how can
00:32:12
Speaker
yeah I would like him. good And it's funny because he knows, like they tap her phone. So she they know that she's going to pretend to go to Miami. kevin co And so he goes to Kevin Costner's house. He's like, do you want to come on my private jet? And he's like, I'm going to my cabin. He's like, oh, well, I'm going somewhere. I guess you're going to a cabin and my wife will be in Miami.
00:32:39
Speaker
I'll miss you, buddy. Like going there to see if his friend was going to lie straight to his face. And then he did. Well, actually, Costner did not lie. Costner did go to the cabin. It's just with your wife. I just was trying to rush us to get to that scene so we can talk about the best sex scene in any movie we've done so far. That is a lie. That is a lie. Besides Bound.
00:33:08
Speaker
Yeah, I was going to say, yeah you know what? You're disrespecting bound to me like this. This is like if Tony Scott shot the roadhead scene in Erebella.
00:33:22
Speaker
OK, I do need to say, though, before ah we get into that sex scene that um Like so she's like a hubby. I'm going off to Miami to stay with my sister and a husband drops her at the airport and then Kevin Costner gets her at the airport and they go to his cabin. You know, the place you already told the crime boss you were going, the one place he knows that you can go here as opposed to just I don't know. This is a crazy thought. They could both get on the fucking plane and go to Miami and none of this movie happens. But instead, he I guess he decided that like, nah, no way. ah i I didn't take out a full page ad in the paper saying I'm fucking your wife, so I'm sure he doesn't know and never will find out. If they had gone to America,
00:34:20
Speaker
All of this would have been solved. ah And it's not like, oh, but where would we go? I only have this cabin in Mexico. You have a house in America that your buddy slash ex-boyfriend maybe ah already said, hey buddy, you should come home.
00:34:36
Speaker
Yeah, he's like, you're fucking a drug kingpin's wife. Get out of there. Get out of there. car And leave now. And he's like, well, I do got to go see my cabin. See my cabin. Fuck your cabin. Go leave. But you're already at the fucking airport. My guy. This is not that fucking complicated. Get on the plane. Go home. Fuck her in your own bed.
00:35:05
Speaker
kit The way you're talking right now is like somebody who's never had sex fully clothed in a moving Jeep. God damn it Garrett, you called me out right here in public. It's true. I never have. That sex scene was fun. It was thrilling and maybe worth getting killed over.
00:35:32
Speaker
Um, Is it like it was fun? I'm not gonna deny it. It started off really cute too. She's got her legs up on the dash and he starts like playing with her and then she's like, what if I just fucked you?
00:35:49
Speaker
He fingers her till her eyes go crossed, Kit. He surpasses Sir Nicholas Cage. I've knighted Nicholas Cage in this conversation. You knighted him and then dismissed him as the king of of fingering? How dare you? And like, he even's like, ooh, her husband even showed me the best way to do this. And like, he licks, coughs, sucks on both of his fingers and then goes in like it's a jar of caviar.
00:36:22
Speaker
God damn it. Her eyes go cross, she straddles him. And that's where like all of this being improv'd seems insane. And like, it's, I don't know, there's some like, I guess Kevin Costner went back and watched this with Tony Scott at some point and was like, oh my God. He's like, we are we were really doing something there, weren't we? Yep. He almost exposes her butthole to the camera.
00:36:51
Speaker
I have to say, uh, do not do this at home. It looked very unsafe. But where Adebella in that movie, it was outlandish because they're on the highway and there's a lot of cars. They're in the middle of nowhere. If anything, like him driving through the desert with the bumps just added pleasure to everybody's time. I mean, yes, but also.
00:37:17
Speaker
It looked like several times they were very close to just like driving off into a ditch. Well, and maybe they did because the next scene he's all leaned up against a tree and she's about to blow him and she's kissing down his very hairy belly. And I'm guessing maybe 15 of those cut 20 minutes where her just picking hair off her tongue.
00:37:43
Speaker
Just like, eh, eh. ah him him apologizing and then oh like they end up at the house. They just like. I'll leave my clothes on in the future. They fuck over three area codes in Mexico and end up at this house, yell at the dog to leave the room, which is in retrospect going to be really sad that that's the last thing you said to Sparky. yeah out Kit, never in my wildest dreams did I think what was going to happen to this dog would happen and be so explicit and shown fully.
Tone Shift and Grim Narrative
00:38:19
Speaker
It was. It was fucking gory is what it is. So yeah, they they run away together to the one place El Chapo can find them. He wrote the address down for him. He wrote the address down and here's my contact number in case of an emergency.
00:38:38
Speaker
I left it taped to the fridge. No, they run away and then they they fuck in the candlelight, which there are so many candles in this this cabin. um They even drag the mattress off on onto the floor because I guess it's better that way. I don't know. um And then afterwards, I don't know, unless there's something you want to talk about in the candlelight fucking scene. Which is pretty good. OK.
00:39:08
Speaker
I guess like i at that point, like I was still thinking about um how he almost showed her butthole to the camera in the Jeep scene. so like it Are you saying this was a letdown after the Jeep sex? I'm saying that was the climax and they tried to give me more after that. The Jeep sex was just- No, I'm too sensitive. We can't we can't keep going.
00:39:33
Speaker
I'm too, like, that's maybe like, I think I'm not sensitive enough. Like, because before they were in the Jeep, they fucked. Here they were making love. Ah, and so you're saying you wish they had made love. No, because they can't make love and then fuck. They have to fuck and then make love. It has to be in that order. It's a natural progression, but as a viewer, it is less exciting. It's like I got my dessert first.
00:40:01
Speaker
But yes, then they're um they're laying in bed and she's playing with his dog tags. And ah he talks about, you know, the biggest war crime that he committed in NAM was when he accidentally killed an elephant.
00:40:18
Speaker
And I'm like, what is this fucking movie? What is this fucking movie? I wrote what is this fucking movie four times in my notes. um the The ways in which they try to excuse Kevin Costner's behavior and his and the wife's behavior as um as OK is outrageously over the top. they They make sure you they don't like El Chapo by having him be mean to a dog like right away.
00:40:48
Speaker
Then you find out that like, oh, he's murdered someone. ah Then you find out and he won't let her have a baby because it would ruin her figure.
00:41:00
Speaker
and also he has a mistress on the side so like it's okay that she's cheating and Kevin Costner may be a war hero but he doesn't like to talk about killing he's not into it even though he likes hunting he's like I would never want to kill a hundred of anything and it's like okay and then you find out the worst thing he did in Vietnam was accidentally kill an elephant And I'm like, are you sure Elephant isn't code for village full of civilians? Because like, Jesus Christ. Well, it's not but necessarily the worst thing. It's the thing that he felt bad. I mean, it is the worst thing. No, you're saying he doesn't feel bad about the village of women and children that he bombed. He does feel bad about the elephant.
00:41:46
Speaker
correct He was saying the thing I feel worst about, but in his mind that is the worst thing, but really it's because he's a fucking crazy person weirdo who doesn't know right from wrong.
00:42:02
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, and explain that she's never she's never had sex with anyone other than El Chapo. And now Kevin Costner, because she's a good girl. She's not just a whore who would have deserved all the bad things that happens to her. She's a good, good girl. And by that, I mean, she was groomed. So obviously she didn't have sex with anyone other than El Chapo. He was yeah he called her a whore a lot in this movie, told her, yeah, smoke only horse smoke in public.
00:42:29
Speaker
And he was very concerned with her looking in like a whore. Honestly, their relationship was so strange. He was like, how dare you not come out to meet him? ah Also, ah you definitely have to come hunting with us tomorrow. But I guess by come out hunting, what he meant was sit in the car the whole time. He likes to have her near. I just like to have her close by. She's emotional support.
00:42:58
Speaker
He's got a really stressful job and his birthday's coming up and he's got a lot on his plate and he feels better. This is my emotional support wife. He is such an emo little bitch in this movie. I absolutely believe everything I just said.
00:43:16
Speaker
ah Oh boy. Yeah, next thing you know, they shoot the fucking dog. like this is like It across the room. It is so abrupt. They're like post coitus and then bam, they not like El Chapo and his goons kick in the door and shoot the fucking dog. Just beat the shit out of him. Give her a Glasgow smile. Half, just half a Glasgow smile.
00:43:45
Speaker
just half like lets her know that they're going to send her to a whorehouse where she will be used 50 times a day and basically be there till she dies. Horrible. This movie is like the second the dog gets shot. This movie becomes a movie very I didn't want to be watching anymore.
00:44:05
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. And it starts to get more and more deranged in terms of like it's plotting, it's pacing. It gets fucking weird. Like I would have thought that this would be the most straightforward part of the movie, like, OK, they killed my a girlfriend and my dog, and now I got to go get revenge, right? It's all in the title revenge. But no, instead, it gets real fucking meandering.
00:44:34
Speaker
And ah she's not actually dead. She's just ah forced into sex slavery. um And then so we keep cutting between Kevin Costner's weird little adventures in Mexico and this poor fucking woman being been raped, raped and tortured constantly. And it is so jarring. It's yeah, 100 percent. And at this point, there's so little movie left.
00:45:03
Speaker
Yes, there's a so much so many bad feels so into like so many extraneous characters so much unnecessary shit into so little action. Yes. For a movie called revenge. Shockingly little actual action.
00:45:22
Speaker
Like I really thought since Tony Scott made this, like we were gonna get a big blowout, like maybe even John Wick style final act. You killed my dog. Now I'm gonna kill you. Yeah. And we don't get that. We get him hanging out with the coach from Major League.
00:45:41
Speaker
for no reason. It's it's absolutely bizarre and I thought it was going to be like okay they killed the girl and then he says I won't kill you though because you saved my life that one time instead that never comes back we never mention again that he had previously saved El Chapo's life ah they do intend to kill him they just fucking fail at it um And they don't kill the girlfriend which would have been much better just fucking kill her there's no need for all of this extra shit about like torturing her and ah Selling her into sex slavery like all of this is so egregious so unnecessary Just kill her and then he has to go get revenge
00:46:26
Speaker
Simple, straightforward. She's already just an object. She is a MacGuffin in this movie. Do not torture your MacGuffin. It is unnecessary.
00:46:37
Speaker
And just so you know, like, I'm gonna go ahead and spoil this now. Things don't get better for her. no There is. It only gets progressively worse and she'll until she essentially commits suicide in the craziest fucking way way possible, like serious, serious, uh, like trigger warning. Cause like.
00:46:59
Speaker
she gets dark for her while Kevin Costner's off like making weird friends and going on a random tour of Mexico. Side quests. Side quests is exactly the word for it. It's called revenge, but all of the revenge seems to be accidental. The side quests are accidental too. Like I don't even, like he ends up at this Mexican family's house because he's crawling through the desert after, like they beat the fuck out of him. Oh, it's nasty.
00:47:28
Speaker
And this confused me a little bit too, because the beginning of the movie, when he's flying the jet around, there's a bloodied, beat up man crawling through the desert. And later in the movie, I was like, wait a minute, was it showing me like flash forwards to him crawling through the desert? But I think it was just another guy. No, I think that was supposed to be him. I think that's like a flash forward of like, this is where your hubris will take you. You man.
00:47:58
Speaker
It is so unclear on that at the beginning because it just looks like the Jets flying over the guy. Yeah, and so this random Mexican family rescues him. I do not know why. There is nothing in it for them. And this man has clearly been left here by like a crime lord.
00:48:16
Speaker
Do not fuck with a body you find out in the desert that was left there by a crime lord that is just asking for the crime lord to come after you and your family. You leave that shit to me. You kidding me? They found a handsome white out in the middle of the desert. Oh, wow. Maybe he'll have a lot of money back home in America and he'll give it to us. This guy, though, like- Take him to a witch. They take him to the local witch for some for some healing, by the way. Do not know why.
00:48:45
Speaker
The scene had the vibe that like they were gonna teach him karate and he was gonna be able to go get this revenge. Like this is where you see his butt in a night in a hospital gown essentially, which is kind of, it might've not even been his butt, it was probably his stunt butt because I'm assuming that ah Costner's cheeks just look like gorilla cheeks and it's just just ah just a veil of fur. Oh Jesus Christ.
00:49:13
Speaker
ah Yeah, so the witch makes him better. ah Meanwhile, ah we see that I feel bad that we've never named this character of the wife, but like, I don't think it's like the movie doesn't treat it like her name is relevant. She's just an object for these two men to fight over. For sure. ah But yeah, Maria Maria.
00:49:42
Speaker
I don't they didn't say it often enough for it to come up. So whatever. Clearly the movie doesn't care. Like this next whole bit, like I don't even want to have to go through all of it because none of it matters. It's a waste of time. Are you talking about how you don't want to get into her gay drug dealer? You don't know, that that that is the only thing that matters. I mean, in his side quest.
00:50:09
Speaker
Oh, God. Yes. The man gives him a knife for cutting off your enemies balls. That's always nice. um Then there's the random drunk Texan with a horse. And that was one of the times where I wrote in big letters. What is this fucking movie?
00:50:25
Speaker
Well, that was the guy from Major League and they had to get two dudes from baseball movies in the same, like that character's name is Texan. He doesn't have a name. They'd never give his name and yet, like, Kevin Costner's so sad when that guy dies, I think he's more sad than he is about his dog.
Confusing Writing and Misguided Storyline
00:50:44
Speaker
Can you explain to me why he died? No, I have no notion.
00:50:51
Speaker
Like it it almost implies like the bad guys got to him, but there's no way or reason that that would have happened. He just dies. I think he got into a fight all on his own accord. Like because he died from internal bleeding. I guess he had blood, I think, on him when Costner found him in the car.
00:51:16
Speaker
Uh, the day after question mark, question mark, question mark. And he's like, man, we got to get you to a hospital. And the Texans like, nah, it's fine.
00:51:28
Speaker
um But yeah, he and the Texan are in a bar before that and ah he sees one of the grunts walk in and he ends up stabbing that dude in the bathroom. So your revenge, your big revenge starts with you running into a guy by accident. Your primary goal was to hang out with a drunk Texan. And you accidentally got revenge.
00:51:55
Speaker
Yeah. It wasn't even like a very good scene like he just stabs him. Yeah. I don't know it. And then from there, like he ends up running into Miguel Farrer. I don't know. I don't remember how to say this. Like you've seen him in a million movies. It's like firewalk with me. He's in Robocop. Like he's a character actor that's in a ton of shit. And he basically is like, I'm going to help you kill these guys. Like he just shows up and it just shows up and it's like I'm friends with the guy that gave you the knife who saved you from death by bringing you to a witch.
00:52:35
Speaker
I am here to help you in your quest to revenge. And then later, by the way, my little guy is John Leguizamo. I got my cousin John Leguizamo over here. He's also interested in this quest for revenge that we have for our own personal reasons. I feel like the movie should have been about those two. And we had followed them through their whole lives about like why they hate El Chapo. And then they meet up with this random gringo and they're like, OK, I guess we're going to help him find his missing girlfriend because we think he can help us get revenge on El Chapo. They did not need Kevin Costner, by the way, at all for this. It turns out ah they could have just gone and gotten their revenge much more easily without Kevin Costner. Yeah, there's there's punks ah and a lady screaming about a cat and she ends up being important for no reason.
00:53:33
Speaker
Well, she, if it weren't for her, I guess she wouldn't have introduced him to the man that kicked the fuck out of him earlier in the movie, maybe, but he still walked by him, so that didn't matter. It didn't matter at all. And when she's and when Kit says punk, she means literally like, I wouldn't say punks, I would say more goths, they look like the cure. like they There's a band playing at this Mexico hotel, and he ends up with this lady back in his hotel room, the the two Mexican guys.
00:54:01
Speaker
cards! This movie with 20 fucking minutes left to go is still introducing new characters and in the middle of your big revenge thing it's like I do have time though to play cards with a random um musician who was yelling about her cat earlier. Why? Why? Why? There's so little time left and they keep putting unnecessary shit in to confuse me.
00:54:32
Speaker
Well, tell them like about the drug dealer scene and like what's happening there because that is truly upsetting where it this movie heads. Wait, which drug dealer scene? There's so many. Well, well, no, no, the the basically.
00:54:50
Speaker
How she ends up killing herself is that her gay drug dealer has AIDS. aids oh god yes jesus thrd on a bike so in between kevin costner's hilarious adventures in mexico where he meets all these wacky people um What's her name has been raped and tortured so many times for days for days and days and days, including by like one of ah El Chapo's goons. um And she's like, I'm so fucking sick of this. ah Hey, you guy who's been giving me drugs. um Can can you ah hook me up with some of that AIDS?
00:55:35
Speaker
yeah He has AIDS, so she shares a needle with him so that she has the option of just slowly dying. Yeah. Honestly, I think it would have been better if this had been a method of revenge, like as a prostitute, be like, I'm intentionally infecting myself with AIDS so that every man that rapes me also gets AIDS. But no, she does not have the the time for that like slow, slow roll of revenge. She instead um Yeah and she dies of AIDS within like a week and a half at most by the way. In his arms. Yeah. She lives just long enough for Kevin Costner to spoil it finds her at the end of this movie puts her in her arms and she's just like I love you. I love you.
00:56:23
Speaker
And then they're like, she had AIDS credits, credits. Like he does kill El Chapo, but it doesn't fucking matter. No, he doesn't. No one kills El Chapo. We had to talk about the weirdest fucking scene in the whole movie still. We told, we said the end of the movie, but this is maybe the last important scene to even discuss. This is fucking crazy.
00:56:46
Speaker
OK, so they they ambush El Chapo while he's out on his morning ride with his with his horsey and his little guy, as Garrett called him, I believe. ah And like ah John Leguizamo like bursts out of the bushes and shoots him. And so only El Chapo is left and Kevin Krasner is like, tell me where the girl is. And he's like, only if first you ask my forgiveness for taking my wife from me.
00:57:17
Speaker
And Kevin Costner is like. Sorry, Belle. I'm really sorry about that. You're right. That was my bad. I shouldn't have done that. And ah yeah, that was ah that was on me. And I'm really sorry about it. Oh, how about you apologize for killing my dog? It's selling my girlfriend into sex slavery.
00:57:45
Speaker
No one needs to apologize to her. Certainly not to the doc. It is the most bizarre fucking thing. Who was this movie for? I don't, I mean, I don't know. I don't know.
00:58:05
Speaker
I'm gonna look up and see what the Rotten Tomatoes score is on this, because it has to be low. It's 30%, I checked. I was like, I can't be alone in hating this shit. But yeah, so ah El Chapo is like, she's in a convent dying. And ah then the it as far as I can tell, they just walk away and leave El Chapo alive.
00:58:28
Speaker
in You don't even see like a John Leguizamo like be like, ah oh, we're here for revenge. So I'm going to shoot him in the face. That doesn't happen. As far as we know, I am. I didn't get revenge because that guy made a good point that I shouldn't have fucked his wife. So I decided not only do I not need revenge, nobody needs revenge. Yeah, they made up and she does.
00:58:55
Speaker
And he gets to go back home to his his buddy who's watching his house and be like, he's like, how did it go? And he's like, bad so god ah and one so bad. The coach from major league died. And he's like, what?
00:59:12
Speaker
o It was a really sad. I buried him. i I don't even know if I'm going to have time to bury the girlfriend, but boy, did I have time to bury them. His mustache was so bushy, it was like my belly.
00:59:28
Speaker
Yeah. ah So as far as anyone is aware, like ah like the the the last we see of El Chapo, he's just sitting there looking sad as they all leave to go find the girl at the convent dying of AIDS when he kisses her. And then there's sad music. So he takes her outside so she can die in the sunlight. And this is like I think they thought that they were going for an operatic level of tragedy. Like because this is like Mimi in La Bo M. This is like Swara Angelica. That one even has like a girl at a convent who dies and sees like
01:00:12
Speaker
her Her dead son run out to her as she, you know, as she gets forgiven for her premarital sex. Doesn't matter. Point is, they definitely thought that they were making high art as they did this. And instead, it is so cheap. It is so tacky. It is so unearned. It's very bad.
01:00:38
Speaker
Oh, the dog tag of his that she's held onto this whole time falls dramatically out of her hand as she tilts her head back and dies. Fucking God Almighty. It is so terrible. It is funny that one of the best directors we've watched a movie from did produce the biggest piece of shit here or not. I mean, I wouldn't say this is the worst one we've watched, but it's like pretty bad.
01:01:07
Speaker
Garrett, I hated it more than Meridian. I'm not even joking. I don't like that you didn't like Meridian.
01:01:17
Speaker
Why Garrett, which movie did you hate more than this? Please tell me. Let me pull up as a reminder of which ones we've done so far and see if there's any that I had a worse time watching.
01:01:39
Speaker
her hu a
01:01:44
Speaker
Well, I'll be goddamned if you're not right that this isn't the worst movie we've watched. I feel so validated.
01:01:55
Speaker
No, I think you're right, though, like as I look at this list, like I probably this is probably the one that if somebody wanted to throw it on, I would say no. no You would say no. And I can't say that about all the other ones. I would happily watch almost all of them again. And even the ones that I was like, man, that was kind of boring. Maybe like it still didn't. I didn't actively hate every fucking minute like I hated this.
01:02:24
Speaker
But isn't Kevin Costner cute? Didn't he go cute face? Not cute enough, babe. Don Leguizamo was cute, though. Look at his sweet little baby face. Didn't you just want to eat him up?
01:02:35
Speaker
What about Madeline Stow or Stow, however you say her last name? She's pretty lady. She's very pretty and very bland because she's she has no character. She exists as a prize for the men to fight over and then for the men to, I guess, forgive each other over. Isn't that nice? Isn't that nice about their friendship, which we understand ah what how this friendship came to be and we care so deeply about it. We're very invested in it.
01:03:05
Speaker
What's crazy is she went on to be the star of the ABC drama, Revenge. Did she really? Yeah, she's the lead in that show. Does she end up dead of AIDS in a convent in that one? Well, I'm not gonna watch several seasons of a TV show on ABC to find out. It's not Alias, kid.
01:03:29
Speaker
But in answer to the question you were going to ask me here in a minute, it kind of seems like she exists for dumb men to pine over. And for some reason, Kit, as a dumb man,
01:03:47
Speaker
I'd ruin my life fur, I'm going to that cabin, I'm sacrificing my doggy, I'm forgiving El Chapo, I'm- I don't feel good about what I'm saying, but that Jeep, the Jeep. You would ruin your life for a for for one good fuck in a Jeep?
01:04:16
Speaker
I'll be her furry little wildebeest. You would sacrifice your dog, sir. Your best friend. Well, obviously I don't care about that dog like I'm letting my other.
01:04:31
Speaker
lover, friend, whatever he is, blow smoke in my dog's face. He didn't have that dog seatbelted in. He is flying around corners. That dog's about to launch out of the Jeep. Like if it weren't the shotgun, something was going to happen. Unfortunate to that dog anyway. He's a terrible owner. He only thinks of himself, but that is true. I mean, when you first like when he first pulls up to El Chapo's place, ah it looks as though he has gone and hung out with El Chapo for hours and then comes back and the dog is still sitting in the Jeep. And it's like, did you give him a bowl of butter, even?
01:05:07
Speaker
Well, you make it sound like you left him in a hot car. He is not encased. It is an open top Jeep. There is air. It is still hot. It's fucking Mexico. It's hot. And also, he's a very good boy. If he was told to stay, he probably stayed. He did seem like a very good boy. And he died being told, get out of here. Don't watch me. Fuck. Like he kicked out like a college roommate to go.
01:05:38
Speaker
to go read a book in the hallway. Oh, you're just going to have to. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want um your laptops in the room? Sorry, buddy.
01:05:51
Speaker
I'm just going to have to sit down in the common area. Well, kid. To bring it home on a scale of one to 10, I want no one to five. This is your thing. I usually don't say this. That's why you don't know what you're doing. Garrett. I mean, OK.
01:06:08
Speaker
Shut up, you were. Some of the sex scenes were pretty good. I liked the Jeep. I liked.
01:06:16
Speaker
I'll give it a two and a half. Two and a half. I have to include the fact. I have to consider the fact that all the rape is like anti arousal. It sucks the arousal right out of me and murders it dead.
01:06:33
Speaker
If it hadn't, if the, okay, if there had been no sex slavery, work with me on this, if they had just killed her in the cabin and the rest of the movie was him trying to get revenge, I would have put it higher. I would have put it at like a three and a half or four, but because they included a bunch of unnecessary egregious bullshit that they did to this woman, it absolutely detracted and it brings it down for me.
01:07:02
Speaker
I can't argue any of that because it's all valid. In my instance though, I watched this movie in two settings her and where I stopped it, she hadn't been sold into slavery yet.
01:07:19
Speaker
So basically I went to bed with like, this movie's great. I like the, I like Jeep sex. So I think in my mind, i'm watched I watched it as like two seasons of a TV show and I didn't love season two. Season two, honestly, it all falls apart. I do not understand some of those B plots that they threw in there.
01:07:41
Speaker
The second half of this movie was all Friday night light season two. Like season one, one of the best seasons of TV you'll ever see. I wanted to fuck in a Jeep. I felt like my limes got juiced. I felt like those waves were me gushing.
01:07:57
Speaker
Um, and then the whole second, so you're right. The second half gets a zero in eroticism. No, it's not zero. It's, it's actively negative. It is, it is negative eroticism in the second half. And unlike you, I had the misfortune of watching it in one sitting and, uh, I did not get the experience of season one and season two. Uh, I just had a really bad season finale that ruined the whole thing.
01:08:28
Speaker
I hope the audience does know this is a short movie. I know. It's so short. And that's why everything feels so crammed in at the end. I was like, I genuinely kept stopping it to see like, how much is fucking left? They can't have just introduced new characters. There's 15 minutes left. How are they going to resolve this? How are they going to? They have no time. Hmm.
01:08:54
Speaker
And the answer is are' just not. We're just not going to really resolve it. We're just going to we're just going to fucking. OK, so revenge part one. five-star eroticism. Revenge part two, like we're doing this like Kevin Costner's Horizon part one, part two, part three, part four, and unfortunately no one had to lose a house over this movie. ah He might have lost his house over this horsey movie, but this, he got lucky. um Part one, five stars, part two, I'll go ahead and agree with you, the negative stars. Kit, were you thrilled?
01:09:31
Speaker
Um, I was on the edge of my seat in the second half of this movie screaming what the fuck is going on? There is no way I was thrilled by how the fuck are they going to fit all this shit into this movie? I was not thrilled by the actual things happening in the movie.
01:09:54
Speaker
I mean they like waterboarded a guy and I was still more focused on like wait did they just grab like we didn't even see them grab the guy like that part wasn't relevant they just were like here's a guy let's waterboard him okay um And it's so yeah, the action was not that good when they meet up with El Chapo like the ambush to take down this big drug kingpin is shockingly easy
'Revenge' Fails to Deliver Satisfying Arc
01:10:19
Speaker
to do. They don't have to like storm a compound of a bunch of like why show us his compound with all his many military guys.
01:10:28
Speaker
and not like this should have been a taken style thing right he should we should have had him stalking down each one of the people that were involved in this horrible thing and right and ending with I get the guy at the head of the snake right I killed this this drug kingpin or whatever he is um and I get my revenge but instead he meanders from guy to guy there is no And the only person he gets revenge on in this movie is the little guy that spied on him at the coat room. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. He gets his revenge on that guy. And um that's about it. ah he He doesn't get revenge. ah And you know what? It'd be like a theory. I like the idea of a movie called Revenge, where the Canadian character decides not to get revenge at the end.
01:11:26
Speaker
it's
01:11:28
Speaker
In theory, that sounds kind of amazing. In practice, it is terrible. Well, the movie was supposed to be called Revenge, but with a question mark. Revenge? Or apologizing and making friends again.
01:11:46
Speaker
Apologies, sir. He got fucking served at the end of that movie. Just like his buddy did him at the beginning. ah Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You may have, ah you know, killed my dog, sold a woman into sex slavery after cutting her face open um and made her, you know, so desperate and sad that she's committing suicide by AIDS. But I am sorry, sir. This is really all my fault.
01:12:13
Speaker
I shouldn't have hurt your fee fees. Fucking snowflake. So what I'm hearing is you're giving it about a four and a half out of five. Absolutely. fucking luotly ah No, I'm giving it a one. There were moments where like when the dog got shot or when um the guy with the big the boots stomps on his hand. God, that was gory as fuck. Like there were parts of like there were bits and pieces where I was like, oh, this is thrilling. But mostly it was so meandering and so confusing that I was not thrilled. No sense of pacing.
01:12:55
Speaker
Garrett. I guess like how do you put a number to the number of times I said no.
01:13:06
Speaker
yeah I don't know yeah how many times did you say no. Well like when they shot the dog I was like no. It was really bad. And then every time they would cut to her. It's no again. In the, yeah, that was awful. Also, we forgot to mention the cut-off costume. He punched the madam. Punches a whore. He punches the madam of the place. I wrote it down. Because she said she was very popular. Punches are straight in the fucking face. It was like watching Nick Cage hit a woman all over again.
01:13:45
Speaker
ah She said it with a tone, though, that like he maybe could have gotten past it, but the way she looked him... He was already being really aggressive with her to start with, though. like He came into that with an attitude, and I don't blame her.
01:14:04
Speaker
Yeah, you're right. He came into this this ah kidnapping situation with a bit of an attitude. OK, here's my thing, though. She's the madam of a whorehouse. And yes, we know that she's kind of a bitch who was like, well, you fucked up her face now. How am I going to make any money off of her? But as far as Kevin Costner knows, this is a woman who um is being threatened by a crime um lord.
01:14:30
Speaker
She has to use this woman as sex slavery because a crime lord is watching her and making sure she does it. Oh my god, you actually just brought up something I don't think we mentioned. And that was to make everything that's happening to her even worse. is she Yes, she says, oh, you ruined her by cutting her face. Now I can't give her to the the rich people. The best customers. Like, I have to like give her to just the low level whoever's that are coming in here.
01:15:00
Speaker
And awful like it just hurt her at every turn. They tried to like rub salt in the wound for this poor fucking woman. So she can die a beautiful AIDS angel in his arms and drop his dog tag to the ground. And the guy that did all this to her, by the way, we ah apologized to that sink in.
01:15:28
Speaker
This movie is awful. It's bad. I would ruin my life for her. Mm hmm. But this movie was fucking terrible. Yeah, I would not ruin my life like I skipped it. I would not ruin my life for Kevin Costner. No, no, I'm sorry. But if I'm the ah wife of a drug kingpin mafioso El Chapo type, um I am not going to fuck around on him ever.
01:15:57
Speaker
no I don't care how sad I am that he won't let me have a baby. I don't care ah That it's her it's actually I was kind of groomed into this relationship and he's really manipulative and he's really a kind of a bully It it doesn't matter. I'm not I know I already know he kills people I'm not fucking around on him or if I am I'm gonna be smart enough to get on that goddamn plane and go to Miami I'm not staying in the place where he is most powerful Like, no way. And for Kevin Costner, absolutely not. You'd have to be a lot better looking, a lot more charming, a lot. I'd have to have a better reason then. I'm bored and so is he. It sucks that her savior was such a fucking idiot. Yeah, it does.
01:16:50
Speaker
So, yeah, I'd have loved to have seen her in a different movie where she just gets the cheap buck. Yes. Gush in the ocean and have the life she deserved. Absolutely. 100 percent. So, yeah, I'm not ruining my life for either of our leads. um And y'all shouldn't see this movie.
01:17:10
Speaker
Yeah, I think this is the first one that I would go ahead say there's no need. No. Yeah, this is this is a not recommend. I don't even think with an I don't think a room of friends in alcohol or drugs would make this more fun. Because it's not It's not like bad in a fun way. It's bad in a Jesus Christ. Can we not kind of way if you want to look up just the Jeep sex, feel
Conclusion: 'Revenge' Not Recommended
01:17:36
Speaker
free.
01:17:36
Speaker
Enjoy. Yeah, this this makes sense that like when you're like, this should have been like a taken style movie and and it should have been taken didn't exist yet at this point. And if this movie had been good, we would have heard about it before this week.
01:17:52
Speaker
yeah Tony Scott, Kevin Costner, we should have heard about it. We didn't for reasons are very good explained over the last hour and 15 minutes. Hey, you know what? We're going to get you something more fun for next week. This was a better you owe me. Yeah. Well, I'll find you something that's hotter, more thrilling and maybe kind of dumb. We should do i mean like to a dumb one. one.
01:18:19
Speaker
I miss dumb ones. like We've had a couple serious ones in a row now. and it's I want to get back to some meridian levels of dog shit. Got to open up papa Papa Garrett's treasure chest. Yeah, the treasure chest has been closed for a long time and I can smell something coming from it. so
01:18:39
Speaker
All right, everybody. Thank you for listening. We're at Erotic Thriller Club on Instagram. Erotic Thriller Club at gmail.com. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, kit. You have anything to say to the people? Any apologies to give?
01:18:55
Speaker
I do. I'm sorry that I took your wife away from you. No. Thank you all so much. We've really appreciated seeing that the number of views go up. Please ah recommend us to an erotic thriller loving friend um and keep those good vibes going. And, ah you know, if you're gonna ah fuck a crime lord's ah wife, leave town.
01:19:22
Speaker
Leave town. That's my just got useful advice. Just go. You can take her with. Just go. All right, everybody. And on that note, meeting adjourned. We love you. Thank you. Wet your snails. We want to shake you naked. Meet you alive.
01:19:45
Speaker
I can't. I think the more we get into dumb shit I can add on to it if I read.
01:19:57
Speaker
i love you stupid idiot