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Femme Fatale (2002)
59 Plays29 days ago
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club we jump back into the world of Brian De Palma! We're also giving Antonio Banderas a third and final chance to play a cool guy in an erotic thriller... Can he succeed? Rebecca Romijn-Stamos! Sexy jewel heists! Asexual henchmen!
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Transcript
Welcome to the Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, your French doppelganger, and gather around your radio. It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.
00:00:14
Speaker
Not looted, crude, he's always tastefully nude in this horny.
00:00:23
Speaker
antithesis, mysterious and dangerous and oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the edges so if you're fatally attracted to the raciest stuff, erotic film club basically instinctively craves the salacious, erotic film club if you want a raciest movie and you're too classic for smart
00:01:07
Speaker
It's 2002 and we're robbing $10 million dollars worth of booby diamonds from the Cannes Film Festival.
Overview of 'Femme Fatale'
00:01:13
Speaker
Can Rebecca Romijn Stamos get away with double-crossing her partners in heist, pretend to be a dead woman who looks identical, and make an absolute fuck out of Antonio Banderas?
00:01:25
Speaker
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, Femme Fatale. Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here.
00:01:37
Speaker
And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would i ruin my life for this person? And I think we may be getting a fourth question in here, which is, um, is Antonio Banderas ever going to get some without being made out to be a patsy?
00:01:58
Speaker
Can he not get cooked? Can we please stop cooking? Mr. Banderas? I think the real question that we need to answer by the end of the podcast is Antonio Band.
00:02:14
Speaker
No! Because for a man who is known for just being sexy man. Devastating. Devastatingly handsome. This is his third and final chance to just look cool in a movie.
00:02:30
Speaker
And we'll tell you by the end, is permanently banned from the erotic thriller club. This is three in a year for Mr. Vendetta's three strikes. You're out.
00:02:42
Speaker
We'll find out. A couple things I want to address before we get into it.
Coed Pageant Episode Mention
00:02:47
Speaker
ah One, hey, we've been gone for like a month or something. Sorry about it. It happens.
00:02:55
Speaker
You aren't paying anything. I appreciate that you come to the meeting. Yeah. Hey, come. You said come. Yeah, we spelled that with a... Hey, ah AI, can you spell come with a U, please?
00:03:08
Speaker
for the For the folks reading at home. But yeah, sorry. Things happen. Sorry about it. Life happened and but we're back. We're back. This one might even come out late.
00:03:19
Speaker
We're recording this Tuesday night. I'm going to try and get it out by the regular time. I don't know if that's going to happen, but it'll be out this week and you'll get to enjoy it. And we'll get back to a regular schedule.
00:03:31
Speaker
ah The second thing. Coed Pageant, who does the theme music for us, just released a new EP last week. And it's so good. It is so good.
00:03:42
Speaker
Even if I wasn't friends with them, that is music I would love. You should absolutely check out Coed Pageant's new EP wherever you listen to your music. Rad, rad, rad. Love it.
00:03:54
Speaker
Number three, Third Order of Business.
Discussion on 'Sinners'
00:03:57
Speaker
There's a big movie in theaters right now, kid. It's called Sinners. Have you seen it? I have not seen it yet. i tried to go last weekend, but it was sold out when I was available to go, so I'm going to try and do it this weekend. So no spoilies, please.
00:04:10
Speaker
I will not spoil anything to you other than the amazing Foley during a scene of Cunnilingus.
00:04:23
Speaker
moist very moist like it had mouth salivating like you you smelled a fresh baked like it was delightful and everybody i've talked to that's gone there has been small children in the theaters and i'm guessing an awkward conversation on the way home learn them early you know um i guess um You know, learning early to to to to make sure that the woman's pleasure is ah is taken care of.
00:04:58
Speaker
ah good That's a good lesson, right? Right? How young are we talking, Garrett? How young are we talking? ah The screening i went to, i would say like a five and a seven year old. who I take back everything I said.
00:05:16
Speaker
Another friend that went said the row in front of him, they brought a baby. baby, that's fine. Around a five year old. And he said around a 10 year old. um In many ways, the 10 year old is worse in many ways because they're going to ask more questions than a five year old would.
00:05:34
Speaker
Five-year-olds, a lot of stuff they're used to just not understanding and they won't even ask. the The best you can really hope for is that it was buried deep enough within the movie that you know one burie empires do show yes that once the vampires showed up, all the questions had from the middle of the movie went away.
00:05:55
Speaker
um You know what? yeah that I seriously doubt that by the end of the viewing experience, it was even a thing that they were remembered to ask. You're absolutely right. There was a lot else going on. I just, Ryan Coogler put so much into the sound design for that movie and as a whole, ah but especially that whole.
00:06:15
Speaker
And a we could see an Oscar nomination that could actually stem from a thing that would normally get a movie in NC 17.
00:06:27
Speaker
Please Academy. Please Academy. Consider, for your consideration, these hole noises.
00:06:40
Speaker
Oh, this urine holes. All right, everybody.
00:06:46
Speaker
kiss im yeah um so item I'm nervous to talk about this movie.
Cult Following of 'Femme Fatale'
00:06:52
Speaker
cause So all I knew about Femme Fatale is I remember it bombed at the box office when it came out.
00:06:58
Speaker
And kind of having a little bit of a stigma of being a shitty movie. So I kind of thought it wasn't going to be very good until obviously like one the first 30 minutes are incredible.
00:07:12
Speaker
Stunning. Stunning. So Then I realized, oh my God, this is a movie that didn't do well when it came out, but has since developed a cult. And then as the movie goes, you're kind of stepping closer into like a Kubrick or Lynch territory with this movie than you are with just a normal b Brian De Palma thriller.
00:07:37
Speaker
It's definitely got some of, ah like, it very much reminded me of Body Double. It has a lot of similar Hitchcockian influences. ah But yes, there were times where it definitely had more of a Lynchian feel to it. And I found it very odd, a little off-putting, but I kind of liked it.
00:07:57
Speaker
that's where I'm at with this movie. It was one that like, I was like, Oh, this definitely isn't a movie. I would call a bad movie. I think there are parts like I love, love, love.
00:08:08
Speaker
And then decisions. Is it the snake titties? Well, obviously I love, i mentioned them right at the top. I've met that woman. I forgot she was in this movie.
00:08:21
Speaker
You met Snake Titty Lady? Yeah, her name's Rye Rasmussen. She was a supermodel who was friends with Rebecca Romijn. And when I met her, she was doing a Q&A with a movie she wrote and directed called Human Zoo, which, as far as I know, it is not available to purchase. It it never went to streaming.
00:08:45
Speaker
I saw it at the New Bev show. Loved it from what I remember. Like, I remember leaving be holy shit, that was so good. But at this point, that was over 10 years ago. I don't remember a ton about it other than I liked it a lot.
00:09:01
Speaker
And that she was in a couple other movies and that was her. But she wrote and directed like a really cool, like, I feel like it maybe kind of a human trafficking drama with like her with guns.
00:09:14
Speaker
Cool. It was over being like violent and cool. All right. I hope you can find it out there somewhere. i don't know.
Intricate Heist Scene in 'Femme Fatale'
00:09:24
Speaker
interesting um yeah but the the the movie is is several different movies in many ways sort of stitched together it starts as a heist movie it does not stay a heist movie for very long and the heist is gary it is so overly complicated so we start with rebecca romaine naked
00:09:48
Speaker
Watching an old movie. Watching Double Indemnity that I actually had to look to see if we did it because that was that's been on our list. It's a great old, like technically an erotic thriller, super sexy dialogue.
00:10:02
Speaker
Like, yeah, Double Indemnity we're going to do eventually. So yeah, that's what the- Someday when we're feeling classy. I couldn't remember if we did Notorious or Double Indemnity. so It was Notorious. um But yeah, so she's watching Double Indemnity and then a man in a very ah nice tux comes in and gives her the most complicated set of instructions I've ever heard.
00:10:26
Speaker
ah I don't know how she followed any of it. Oh, I was spaced out. Was no names, no guns. No names, no guns. And I was like, Rebecca Romaine has not said a single word this entire time. We have not seen her face either. this Brian De Palma is having a lot of fun with not showing her face And, you know, using camera angles. We got a boob in the reflection of the- We got a boob in the reflection, though. Don't see her face. Do see her boob.
00:10:54
Speaker
And this man is, like, yammering away at her, this long list of instructions. And then he's like, don't use anybody's name. And I'm like, she has not said a single word. The chance she is going to accidentally say your real name is zero. And then he slaps For no reason.
00:11:12
Speaker
Just because, I guess, like, they needed us to know he was the bad guy. She's full nude this whole time, too, and he never even takes a peek down. and like Does that make you respect him more or less, Garrett?
00:11:25
Speaker
I don't know. he's just He's very gay for spying.
00:11:31
Speaker
yeah He is so into spying that he's not even going to take a peek. It doesn't matter. Gay, straight. If there is a nude human in front of you, you take a peek. it's just It's just human nature.
00:11:43
Speaker
Especially this lady who is literally a supermodel. She's so beautiful and he is not bothered. No, he's too busy just being a dick and and slapping her. And there's no real reason for it.
00:11:59
Speaker
And yeah then it turns out we realize we're at Cannes, the film festival, and ah she's posing as a photographer and we're trying to steal snake booby diamonds.
00:12:13
Speaker
This woman's wearing like this this top that is mostly gold and diamonds shaped like snakes wrapping around her boobies. Covers a nipple if you're lucky.
00:12:26
Speaker
Yeah, I thought it was really funny that clearly the costume people put a lot of work into the top half of the outfit and then just wrapped a green piece of fabric around her as the skirt. It was so lazy.
00:12:39
Speaker
It really delighted me.
00:12:43
Speaker
Because the snakes look really good. However, this is such an elaborate heist. It is so unnecessary. There is no reason it should... require this many people, this much planning.
00:12:58
Speaker
Like they've got a secret cameras and they're ah knocking out the power for their exit. They've got, she makes a woman. They've got an incompetent Super Mario.
00:13:11
Speaker
Do you know who I'm talking about? Like there's this like a mustachioed Frenchman who looks like, who literally just looks like Super Mario who has to spill honey on a man's pants.
00:13:22
Speaker
Like he has to be the most fumbling fuckhead. His job is to spill honey on the keys so that he has to go wash the keys and he can get the key they need. Like there's, it's so stupid. bid And the whole time i was thinking because they hadn't specified the amount of the diamonds or I hadn't heard them specify the amount that the diamonds are worth. And I was like, once you cut everyone in on this, everyone's going to be taking home 20 grand.
00:13:49
Speaker
No more. Maximum. Is the plan too complicated? Absolutely. But you also have to keep in mind, as far as the Diamond Heist goes, De Palma's like a year or two removed from Mission Impossible, the first one.
00:14:05
Speaker
oh Okay, now that you mention that, the influence is becoming more clear, and that's why you needed a guy to rappel down the ceiling into a tube with a fan at the bottom. that Don't worry, guys. If that sounds exciting, it's not.
00:14:22
Speaker
But the thing is like this like spy scene is so sleek and well shot and actually shot at cons like while it's happening. It's shot on the red carpet for the movie East-West.
00:14:34
Speaker
Really? I guess at a certain point they were trying to get it shot um while Mulholland Drive was and going to be the thing. interesting. The heist was going to steal something from like one of the Mulholland Drive ladies. Yeah.
00:14:50
Speaker
I thought that was cool that they actually filmed the movie during the red carpet and stuff. Shoot what you got, right? Brian DeBalm was allowed at Cannes, so you just use it.
00:15:01
Speaker
Yeah, it's just it was ah it's a very cool, sleek opening 30. Yes, and it's a very cool, unexpected place for a heist, and it involves a lot of lesbian making out and boobies and boobies up against a glass.
00:15:16
Speaker
i We're having fun here. It is the start of a trend throughout this movie, though, where every scene just feels a little too long. Like, everything throughout this movie feels like it could have been done in half the time.
00:15:31
Speaker
You do not mean that about all the lesbian making out. No, of course. That could have been longer. i have to say, Garrett, this has this this whole heist plan includes one of the cruelest actions I think we've ever seen in one of these movies. And I'm including...
00:15:49
Speaker
um when that dog got thrown out a window. This may be worse. Okay.
00:15:58
Speaker
Our main villain man here tases a guy in the bathroom mid-stream. Mid-piss. His piss goes everywhere.
00:16:09
Speaker
Why you gotta do that? You couldn't have waited until he was starting to zip up before you tased him? It's so unnecessary. Yeah, i I made note of that as well. did you Did you write, don't tase a guy midstream? Because that's what I wrote in big letters.
00:16:26
Speaker
Well, it's ah it's a very grand urinal. It's almost ah an art installation. And Guy is dick out. He gets him right in the neck with it. The piss stream is wild at that point. It is just going everywhere.
00:16:40
Speaker
And... and So the character, this the spy man is named Black Tie, I guess, in the credits. Is he really? Because we never hear his real name.
00:16:52
Speaker
huh okay so but the kindest thing black tie does in that is not let him fall head first into the urinal but i don't think that it was his choice not to let him like he definitely has piss all over his pants all over his pants and that's probably why black tie puts on a pair of gloves before he tases him he's like things are about to things are about to get wet he says out loud i mean Just imagine, though, like, here's the thing. You're putting yourself in danger, too, because what if that piss had gotten on his very nice tux?
00:17:26
Speaker
It ruins the whole night. Like, you need to think ahead, guy. he did think ahead, and he loved the idea of it. Here comes the waterworks.
00:17:38
Speaker
Which, by the way, tasers don't, like, make a man unconscious. I don't know why it does in this movie. Well, they always... guards out They always do it in like a vein somewhere in here.
00:17:51
Speaker
Isn't there like a, does it i think. Yeah. It's just like the Vulcan nerve pinch. You're absolutely right, Garrett. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Before we get to bathroom titties and everything, I think something very funny that needs to be pointed out through this opening 30 is the score.
00:18:10
Speaker
Oh my God. Yes. Yes. Yes. We have to talk about it To me, this score plays like the opening credits of a 90s Dennis the Menace movie as we're watching Rube Goldberg contraption that's going to shoot an egg at Mr. Wilson. Okay, do you know the the song Bolero?
00:18:32
Speaker
song, which is very famous for that da da du da da du da da da da da da du da da du that song very famous is so close to what they're playing, but not exactly. And it was driving me batshit crazy until I finally looked it up, and that song in the movie is called Bolero-ish.
00:19:01
Speaker
yeah Presumably because the rights to the song Bolero were not set free until, like, 2020 or something like that. And so they were like, they were like, we'll just, we'll just make one that's kind of similar. So it's very whimsical.
00:19:20
Speaker
The music it's, it's jaunty. It is so strange for a heist movie. It is so odd. And you're right. This is the setup, the music that you play during a breakfast machine, Rube Goldberg thing in a nineties kids movie.
00:19:37
Speaker
Because for some reason, every 90s movie needed a wacky inventor character who makes a breakfast machine. Kids love breakfast. i love breakfast. Who doesn't love a revolver? It works.
00:19:52
Speaker
But that is also the sound we have for a very sexy diamond heist. Yes. So few diamond heists have this much fingering. yeah And I think that's the central problem with most diamond heists.
00:20:07
Speaker
Not enough fingering. Isn't it awesome that Rebecca Romaine's main skill in this movie is that everybody, man, woman, wants to have sex with her?
00:20:20
Speaker
And nobody questions it. It's just, if a woman that tall and that beautiful comes up and is like, hey, we are going to bang in the bathroom. just like, all right. Okay.
00:20:32
Speaker
Gotcha. Gotcha. That's what they hired her for. When they were signing up people for the heist, they were like, okay, we need a guy rappel in from the ceiling. We need a guy to tase someone in the bathroom. We need a guy to spill honey on some keys.
00:20:44
Speaker
And we need the sexiest woman ever to ah take off this woman's ah jewelry clothing. without her noticing or caring while we swap it under under the
Heist Aftermath and Revenge
00:20:59
Speaker
stall.
00:20:59
Speaker
Under the stall, which is done so strangely. It's so hilarious. I love it so much. It is so weird as a choice to have this man crouched down next to the bathroom stall where they're fucking.
00:21:18
Speaker
slowly like reaching his hand under the bathroom stall to try to like snatch away fallen pieces of jewelry and replace them with fakes without touching anyone's leg.
00:21:31
Speaker
If we know one thing about black tie though, he is not going to be distracted by sexuality. A hundred percent. That's true. He already saw her naked and he didn't, did not care. Not care.
00:21:43
Speaker
He's the only one immune to her charms. Yeah. He had a lesbian fingering happening two inches from his ear through a clear.
00:21:55
Speaker
I don't know how they I don't know how that isn't two way where she didn't see a man crouched down in front of it because it is. She was a little distracted, Garrett, by the wonderful fingering. Yes.
00:22:06
Speaker
Also, Garrett, come on. She was in on it the whole time. Well, we know that later. we didn't know that. We didn't know that then. Cause the first lady, I love this plan though. She goes in, there's a lady putting on makeup and she whispers to her with an ass like that. You don't need makeup.
00:22:24
Speaker
And the lady is appalled and leaves the bathroom. That was a wild plan because everybody else, the rest of the movie wants to have sex with her. What if that lady did too? Oh,
00:22:37
Speaker
Suddenly your plan falls apart because too many people want to have sex with the honeypot character that you you hired. And that plan doesn't, it only works for Rebecca Romaine. Like it doesn't work for me. Like if if you and I are doing a diamond heist at a Chili's and I go in the bathroom and tell a man like with an ass like that, ah you don't need to wear makeup. I'm going to get punched in the mouth at Chili's.
00:23:05
Speaker
You are. You are going to get punched in the mouth at Chili's. And it's going to be real awkward for me when he ah slams, you know, out of there and I'm standing there holding a bag full of fake diamonds.
00:23:19
Speaker
Did you get my chicken crispers? No, man. We can't afford them. I feel like spent all my money on these replica diamonds. It's going to hurt to eat that salty corn with all these cuts on my mouth.
00:23:37
Speaker
So Garrett, do you think black tie is so immune that if he had seen the lap dance that we see later in the movie that has Antonio and the random guy, super entranced, hypnotized by Rebecca Romaine's lap dance, do you think black tie could have resisted?
00:23:57
Speaker
That's his skill. ah His skill is just immune to sexuality. It is like a bullet bouncing off Superman's chest.
00:24:09
Speaker
Oh my God. It's like every time you have like a group of superheroes with different powers, it's like there's the one guy whose power is he's immune to everyone else's powers.
00:24:22
Speaker
That's him. Feed him as many blue chews as you want. He's not going to get hard.
00:24:32
Speaker
Those are just candy for him. Yeah. Well, I mean, more power to you, man. You got your own superpower. It's only going to work in very specific situations.
00:24:45
Speaker
But hey, at least you're not the guy who has the in in the X-Men movies who his thing was he could shoot his tongue out real far. That that one was pretty bad. I mean, yeah, it sucks sometimes, but like it sucks in comparison to like, are you Wolverine? How are your abs? Oh, I don't have abs and my tongue is really long. I don't know Ask the lady in Sinners.
00:25:07
Speaker
Oh, damn. She's a fan. That one makes them really good Foley.
00:25:17
Speaker
That's like yeah Hannibal Lecter. This movie. So the heist goes wrong in a hurry, right? They, yeah she cuts the bra and it sets off an alarm and the somebody, apparently the security for the jewels comes rushing in.
00:25:36
Speaker
ah You know, there's a shootout, black tie gets shot and he almost shoots the sexy snake boob lady. But thankfully, Rebecca remains stops him.
00:25:49
Speaker
And he's like, you're betraying me. How dare you? I'm going to hunt you down. And she's like, all right. And leaves.
00:26:01
Speaker
and She steals all the diamonds. She does. This is where, I don't know, like, where the movie ends up going You have to buy something very implausible early on.
00:26:18
Speaker
And that That this heist was worth all of this money? And that it was... Okay, Kit, if you if you want to bring... Let's just skip ahead to that real quick before we even get in to the fact that she finds somebody who looks identical to her in France that coincidentally kills themselves.
00:26:39
Speaker
Yes. With only her knowing. Let's skip ahead seven years. womanma These men ah hu are still pissed about this and chasing her.
00:26:53
Speaker
kit I mean, one of them's been in jail the whole time, so he hasn't had a lot else to do. yeah But it's not like it's the heart of the ocean. Like, just steal a different diamond. go again It's personal at this point. Garrett, she stole from them and he went to jail for her crime.
00:27:14
Speaker
You know, like he got shot, first of all, and went to jail and didn't get any diamonds. I could see being heard about that for seven years. I've heard of people who have had ah generations long family, you know, feuds over less than that as an insult.
00:27:35
Speaker
Okay. Okay. The other guy, do not know what his excuse was. He did not go to jail. He did not get shot. yeah He probably should have gotten over it.
00:27:46
Speaker
Black tie's my friend.
00:27:49
Speaker
How dare you do that to my buddy? He killed our D&D nights for seven years.
00:27:58
Speaker
the like The most common sentence said in this movie, though, is that fucking bitch.
00:28:08
Speaker
They're really mad at her. Every man is really mad at her. And to people, she gives a lot of reasons. She does. She's not very trustworthy person. So, yeah, she is trying. So the problem is she wants to get out of Dodge, but she doesn't have a passport.
00:28:28
Speaker
Black Tie had her passport. So she's trying to get a fake passport. ah And, ah you know, the other guy from the heist yeets her over a ledge.
00:28:39
Speaker
About six floors. She lands on some conveniently soft-looking stuff and is found by family. up family that think that she is their daughter.
00:28:56
Speaker
Because their daughter was in... And this takes a little bit of teasing out because it's mostly told through like visual storytelling and not explicitly, but it seems like she sort of puts together that their daughter was in a horrible car accident that killed her husband and daughter.
00:29:12
Speaker
And then she disappeared. Ran off in grief or whatever. So when they see her dressed in all black, and looking very hot and dramatic and wearing a ah brown wig...
00:29:26
Speaker
to disguise herself. They're like, that's our daughter, obviously. How they don't recognize like
00:29:35
Speaker
it is baffling. So they take her back to their house and they put her in her room and they're like, we're going to your husband's funeral. Don't do anything dumb. Like kill yourself while we're gone.
00:29:48
Speaker
do you have Lewis's gun? you have Lewis's gun? No. Okay. Okay. Well,
00:29:58
Speaker
Here's the remote. We'll be back. Here's the TV remote. We'll be back after your husband and daughter's funeral.
00:30:07
Speaker
is so weird and I really like it, but also it's so strange. And this is also the first time when, Brian De Palma introduces the weird split screen thing.
00:30:19
Speaker
We are introduced to Antonio Banderas. Finally, who's taking pictures of her while she was meeting with someone about trying to get a fake passport. And we see like half the screen is Antonio Banderas and half the screen is her and her secret meeting.
00:30:34
Speaker
And then that continues as he's like printing out the photo and she's going into a church. And then at some point it's showing the same shot from different angles. It's so trippy.
00:30:49
Speaker
It comes out of nowhere. And I loved it. Stylistically, there's some really great stuff in this movie. It seemed a little random when he chose to use the split screen effect.
00:31:03
Speaker
But like every time he did, I really enjoyed it. At this point, his andton Antonio Banderas is on a mission. He's been given a mission.
00:31:15
Speaker
He's not been given a mission yet. He gets that mission seven years from now. He just likes taking pictures from his balcony and he's got this really cool collage of small photos put together to make one giant picture of the view from his balcony, which happens to be a nice church. He's lucky that he lives in a nice part of Paris where he gets a lovely view.
00:31:35
Speaker
And he's- He adds her to his vision board. He adds her to vision board. Where he's just like, I hope in seven years, this lady rapes me on a pool table. Yep, yep. And, uh, well, next thing you know, she's been thrown off a balcony. She's, uh, in this- these people's house.
00:31:52
Speaker
And they've gone off to the funeral. And guess who should come home while she's in the bath? But the real girl. The real woman whose family is dead.
00:32:04
Speaker
Also played by Rebecca Romijn. Yes. So you can see why they made the mistake. They look very, very similar. You can see why they made the mistake.
00:32:14
Speaker
She's real fucked up. And ah she breaks the aquarium. I felt bad for those fish that were clearly going to slowly die as the water leaked out of the aquarium.
00:32:26
Speaker
Husband and daughter. Yeah. this is ah This is small potatoes for her as of late. But you can see that there's ah the woman already has a plane ticket and her passport out and ready to start a new life in America.
00:32:40
Speaker
But she can't find the passport and plane ticket because Rebecca Romaine already scoped out and was like, ooh, helpful. And so plan B is kill herself.
00:32:51
Speaker
And Rebecca Romaine is mostly naked still, having gotten out of the bath. Um... Just watches. Just watches it happen.
00:33:03
Speaker
And then I have to assume got rid of the body, right? Well, yeah, they didn we didn't have time for that. I mean, we're only fucking 45 minutes into the movie and like so little has actually happened. and So much and yet so little has happened.
New Life and Identity Post-Heist
00:33:22
Speaker
Yeah, no, she definitely gets rid of that and then marries a man she sits next to on the airplane who feels sympathy for woman story she tells. He's my baby in France. And he's like, oh, you poor thing.
00:33:37
Speaker
Everything's coming up, Milhouse. She gets a passport. She gets ah new name and identity. She gets a free upgrade to first class.
00:33:48
Speaker
And she gets a new husband sitting right next to her. Like how lucky can one woman get? And $10 million dollars in diamonds. Well, she doesn't have that. Does she have that yet?
00:34:01
Speaker
It's really hard. It's really unclear. To say. Because actually at this point, it might still be model.
00:34:12
Speaker
That has diamonds. That still has them because we see her seven years later have that interaction where she gets thrown, where the model gets thrown in front of a truck while like doing like a drop-off situation.
00:34:24
Speaker
Yes. uh so yeah we get a quick uh seven years later and finally john stamos in the film yes not not visually but we get to hear him he's antonio banderas's uh agent or whatever calling him up and telling him you gotta get a photograph of This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. The tabloids are all so excited, desperate to get a photo of the new ambassador from America's wife, who's never been photographed.
00:35:00
Speaker
They don't even realize how hot she is. There's no reason for this picture. What? Like, if you were going to assume that she's just, like, a normal, dowdy, like, regular politician's wife, like, who cares? Who gives a fuck?
00:35:16
Speaker
But they are clawing at the windows, desperate. Someone please photograph the American ambassador's wife.
00:35:27
Speaker
And Antonio's like, I got out of the paparazzi game. But I'll get back in just this one last time before retirement. He sucks.
00:35:38
Speaker
Sorry. I found myself like angry at how dumb he was in this movie, too. Yeah, he gets played a lot. Although his way of getting the photo by pretending to be wind man and walking into the limo and falling over so that when she gets out to help him up, he can quickly snap a photo.
00:36:04
Speaker
Genius. No notes. He's clearly good at what he does. Yeah. ah But, you know, of course, the the new American ambassador's wife is...
00:36:17
Speaker
Rebecca Romijn. And now her photo's everywhere for the people who are trying to kill her to see. So, it just happens to be that that's the day Black Tie's let out of prison.
00:36:32
Speaker
Prison sentences in France are... Short and easy. Which is crazy because he did stab a man in the eye ah during that.
00:36:45
Speaker
He stabbed a man in the eye. He tased a man midstream. on. Having a guy piss on himself is probably worth at least six months.
00:36:57
Speaker
So you have to imagine that the eye stabbing is six and a half years. And then the rest is just for making that man pee pee on himself. And nothing for the diamonds.
00:37:09
Speaker
For some reason, they didn't give him any extra for the diamonds. Well, they don't know that. Well, I'm sure he told them. Oh, well, he said, don't have the diamonds. My other partner stole them. And they're like, uh-huh.
00:37:23
Speaker
The hot lady who I absolutely did not want to fuck no matter what took them. and Trust me. Trust me on this one. She's bad news.
00:37:36
Speaker
um By the way, I love some of the visual detail in this. So Black Tie's buddy picks him up in a nice ride, says only steal the best for my friends, you know, whatever.
00:37:48
Speaker
The car he has stolen clearly has a child's toy alarm clock in the back window and what is very definitely one of like at the French version of a baby on board like sticker on the back windshield. It's so good.
00:38:07
Speaker
That is the kind of attention to detail that just warms my heart every time. So the you saw a clock. I don't know if you noticed this. So in the movie, she falls asleep in the bathtub and wakes up when the lady's coming in.
00:38:24
Speaker
Yeah. And in that moment, the clock is at 333. So for the rest of the movie, any clock you see is at 333. Is it really? Yeah.
00:38:35
Speaker
Do you think the the child's toy is at 333? I didn't look. If it was a clock, I feel like it was. Plus, at certain points, you see posters that say deja vu.
00:38:47
Speaker
oh yeah. was very cool. There are hints of weirdness afoot. Yes. Yes. So Antonio Bendita starts getting the business from security.
00:39:01
Speaker
That, you know, we'll pay you double to give us the photo instead. Too late. already sold the photo. You knew who security was, right?
00:39:13
Speaker
Should i Yes. It's the fucking ghoul from Body Double Kit. No, stop it. I thought he looked familiar. The ghoul's back. It was the guy's apartment the guy who owned the apartment that was like, you know.
00:39:27
Speaker
You're absolutely right. Moonlighted as a ghoul. I'm so glad the ghoul's still getting work from Brian De Palma. Clearly. Henry Gregg or Greg Henry. He's got first two first, you know.
00:39:39
Speaker
Oh man. So yes. ah Seven years later, we, the, the, the model who was wearing the snake bra is finally sold the diamonds.
00:39:51
Speaker
And that also happens to be right when, The two ah criminals who have gotten out of prison are gonna meet up with her and and try to get the money and location of ah Rebecca Romijn out of her.
00:40:09
Speaker
We have some weird dramatic slow-mo with no faces shown. The model is wearing the strangest outfit. Garrett, would you please describe this outfit?
00:40:23
Speaker
Army chic? Is that like, is that what, like, it's like tight army pants, like that really yeah just, you know, you want to give it a squeeze, but like also It's short though too. And, and, and matching camo, like calf high boots.
00:40:46
Speaker
Like a derby hat. Like you're going to the Kentucky Derby, but army. Yes. It is so- The problem is, she should not have worn this outfit, Garrett.
00:40:57
Speaker
And why? Why is it bad that she was wearing an outfit that makes her inconspicuous and difficult to see? Today of all days. Well, it didn't make her in. she She really stood out on that street as the tall hop model. Not to the driver, Garrett. He could see her in the street.
00:41:21
Speaker
Which the driver thing is bizarre. They throw her out in front of a truck that smashes her and slams on the brakes, but then in the next shot is driving full speed over her head like it's Toxic Ranger.
00:41:34
Speaker
Yeah.
00:41:37
Speaker
What I love about this is these guys are so quick to kill women before they actually get the information then they need. God fucking damn it, Kit. You're right. like Everybody is just like, I hate women. I mean, that guy doesn't want to fuck any women. No.
00:41:53
Speaker
um No matter how gorgeous they are. He does not want to fuck them. And he doesn't. He says he wants information or diamonds, but he doesn't. He doesn't want those things because as soon as he's got hold of someone who could give him that information, if they don't tell him within 30 seconds, he is tossing their ass off a balcony, off a bridge, in front of a truck.
00:42:17
Speaker
He does not ever give them enough time to tell him anything. Say what you will about black tie but he means it.
00:42:28
Speaker
Like his threats are real. Like do not fuck with him. He's just spent seven years in prison thinking about titty diamonds, thinking about die. He wants the titties away from the diamonds. Actually. He doesn't like that ruins them.
00:42:43
Speaker
So many people, titty diamonds. What? It's got two things. I love for him. Oh, you've ruined these diamonds. Get them off the titties. He's not interested.
00:42:54
Speaker
I am annoyed with this next bit of the movie because this whole bit where basically Antonio Banderas and Rebecca Romijn are together is too long and doesn't like so little happens in so much movie.
00:43:12
Speaker
And I think this is where just like condensing some shit goes. would have just felt it's especially a problem because like okay if this was a different movie entirely imagine a movie where it takes place from antonio banderas perspective from day one like it starts with him getting a phone call from john stamos telling him he needs to take a photo of the ambassador's wife he goes he does that and then he gets embroiled in this thing and he realizes that she's actually had the secret double life and she stole some dead woman's life and all this unravels right Then this scene of him following her and like, you know, she's clearly leading him on, right? On a married chase where he she wants him to to sympathize with her and feel sorry for her as he's following her.
00:44:02
Speaker
Like, That would have made sense in a movie where we were watching it from Antonio's perspective. But since we're not, since we know that she is a con artist and a heist person and she's stolen a dead woman's identity, we know that she's not actually going to have a black eye and be abused by her husband. And, oh, she's buying a gun and considering doing something wrong.
00:44:26
Speaker
terrible like we know it's all lies so it's a little bit frustrating to watch like antonio come on man and it feels like he's dumber than he really is because we know what he does not that's true And I will give him this though. We don't hate him right away because no he does do the this pretty slick thing of getting the picture, pretending to be blind.
00:44:57
Speaker
And then when he has to sneak into her room to see her.
Antonio Banderas' Comic Relief
00:45:01
Speaker
pretends to be gay he left his disc, his floppy disc in there. Love that. By the way, this man also has the exact mini disc player that my brother had in like 2001. Yeah.
00:45:13
Speaker
two thousand one Didn't that make you want a remake, though, of Birdcage where Antonio Vandeniz is like the Nathan Lane character? Holy shit, Garrett. He was so funny.
00:45:26
Speaker
that's a billion dollar idea. He would be so good at that. Like that little bit where he's like walking around the room and like doing the limp wrists and like, just like kind of acting like he he feels like he's playing like a stereotypical hairdresser or something. But Antonio Banderas has a long hair in this movie. He's like a very attractive, beautiful man. And he just does this in such a funny, fun way.
00:45:53
Speaker
i don't think we have a whole movie of him doing that. And I would like one. i would absolutely watch that. I would love it. would, so much but yes so she leads what do i do with my hands wanting him to think oh my god that you know she's got a black eye and an inhaler she goes to a steak shop and she's given money to get a gun in a paper bag and he's she's going into a hotel room and so of course the only option for him is to pretend to be her gay best friend that she's just hasn't met yet and go looking around her room and then he finds the gun and he's like do you want to talk about it and she's like yeah
00:46:31
Speaker
And then, you know, she's she somehow convinces him. And this is the part that blows my absolute mind. I need you to take my purse, my car, my god my clothes, and my gun to go refill my inhaler while I take a shower.
00:46:55
Speaker
i But all that all the time that she's telling him that shit, she is taking her clothes off. She is in very sexy underwear. She's got like It's very pretty white lacy with the garters and the... Yeah, it's good.
00:47:11
Speaker
She's like 90% legs. Like, he's like, are you flirting with me? And she's like, what the fuck you think? Was I? I don't know. That moment, Kit, like, that was me in college. Like, even...
00:47:27
Speaker
Garrett, not to be offensive or anything, but you're not Antonio Banderas. I feel like people do this for Antonio all the time in a way that's not for you.
00:47:39
Speaker
See, I feel like in college, though, one of those things in retrospect, there were so many times where it's like, oh, that person was trying to have sex with me.
00:47:51
Speaker
What? and i just didn't like i can think of so many specific times where unless somebody was straight up like are we going to have sex and was like oh okay but unless those words were spoken like i had such low self-esteem that it was like clearly that's not what's happening and in this she is naked in front of him and he's like are you flirting with me it's Garrett, I must know, just how naked did women get with you before you realized?
00:48:24
Speaker
Like, how bad did this get? Kit, you don't even know. Garrett, please. You mean, like, in bed together?
00:48:37
Speaker
Garrett! Like, there's... Kit, like, there's so many examples from my college days where it's just like... In retrospect, like there, I can think of several instances where so I, somebody was throwing themselves at me and I was just like, but just such a fucking like low self-esteem. I was like, this clearly isn't what's supposed to be that. Like I shouldn't be doing this. She's just, she's just really, she's just really, it's really a a warm night and she just, she doesn't want all those ah heavy layers on.
00:49:14
Speaker
yeah ye and and Do you think Antonio Benditas has that sort of low self-esteem? Maybe. he fucking sucks. You know what? It's possible he has low self-esteem despite being and incredibly beautiful because he is in other ways kind of a loser. Like, he's dead broke. He used to work as a paparazzi.
00:49:38
Speaker
Like, that's not a job that they're ladies really ah love because you only get that good at that job by being an asshole and and then you stopped being a paparazzi which really just means that now you're broke and jobless so like i can see why maybe he's like no the hot ambassador's wife does not want to have sex with me the paparazzi guy are you flirting with me i've been fooled before by and n
00:50:13
Speaker
my wife, Nicole Kidman.
00:50:17
Speaker
So yeah, she's like, you need to take my purse, my car, my clothes, my gun, and go refill my prescription. When they cut to him driving with that dumbass smile on his face, looking at a pile of her clothes and a gun setting open on the passenger seat of the car, where he's like, yes, this all checks out.
00:50:40
Speaker
I'm going to get my wiener smooched. it
00:50:48
Speaker
I'm gonna get my weiner smooched. And then, ah yeah it seems it's it's pretty clear that she is doing a Gone Girl before Gone Girl. And ah he's the fall boy.
00:51:01
Speaker
She calls the cops on him. She knocks out that poor room service lady while naked. um We do get a lot of...
00:51:13
Speaker
not they take a long time to give you just a full nude Rebecca Romijn. They give you a lot of side and a lot of just very sexy lingerie. Like it is, she is gorgeous in this movie. And I want to throw this out there but because I think that a lot of people think that she was a pretty shitty actress.
00:51:35
Speaker
I don't think she was bad in this movie. She's quite good, actually. She was terrible in Rollerball, but that was just a terrible movie. And i can't really think of much else she's in other than one of my all-time favorite movies, Dirty One.
00:51:50
Speaker
She was the bearded lady. Mystique in the X-Men. I don't think about superhero movies. She was Mystique in the X-Men. Yeah, she was in the blue thing. Currently she is, and this was a thing that did not hit me until the very end of the movie when she starts using her normal accent instead of pretending to be a French.
00:52:10
Speaker
I was like, why is her voice so familiar? This is so weird. Why does she sound so familiar? She is Una Chin Riley on Strange New Worlds. So she is currently in a Star Trek show right now.
00:52:24
Speaker
And she looks so different. She's obviously older. She's still beautiful. um But she's got long, straight brown hair. And she she kills it. She's so good. She's ah incredibly talented in that show.
00:52:38
Speaker
So I'm glad that, like, she's been able to prove to the world she's you know not just a sex pot hottie from the aughts a hottie from the noughties i think this movie not doing well and then also rollerball coming out the same year and being like which i still put rollerball in the top two worst movies i've ever watched like like not fun bad just like an absolute pile of dog shit like why does this exist I have never seen Rollerball, so I can't... Maybe I should revisit it. Maybe we should revisit it as a bonus episode sometime. It's not sexy.
00:53:17
Speaker
It sucks. But it has Rebecca Romaine How can it not be sexy? Well, it the lead is Chris Klein from American Pie. Remember that guy? a And yeah.
00:53:29
Speaker
Slipknot's in it. All right. um So... Can we just, ah what what do we have to do? What hoops do we have to jump through to get them to the biker bar?
00:53:40
Speaker
It's not that many. He goes, like, he gets ah arrested by the cops, cleared by the ambassador, and he's like, what the hell? My day is so weird.
00:53:51
Speaker
His motorcycle is parked at his home. The keys on his desk inside And ransom message has been sent from his email, so he knows he's fucked.
00:54:07
Speaker
And it also includes a little message being like, hey, here's where you should meet me. um And it becomes clear that the reason the ambassador cleared him with the cops is because the ransom note said, don't talk to the cops.
00:54:20
Speaker
So he finally meets up with her and she tells him the truth, or mostly the truth. She's like, listen, bad people are after me. And you took my picture and ruined everything.
00:54:31
Speaker
So now I need to ah ah hold my husband, ah hold myself hostage. for 10 million dollars, uh, and then ah leave my husband and get out of France and you're gonna help me do it. I'll even cut you in on it." And he was like, no, lady, this sucks. I don't want to be a part of this kidnapping scheme. This seems bad for me.
00:54:59
Speaker
this is when I wrote, why is Antonio always a patsy? and she even calls him a patsy. It's sad. He's too cute to be a patsy.
00:55:13
Speaker
Can't he just be an accomplice, like a regular accomplice who makes a woman come? yeah He might have made Angelina Jolie come. He was just a fucking loser. and That's true. He 100%. You saw all the acrobatic positions they were in.
00:55:29
Speaker
Like, man knew what he was doing. Which is, you know, why eventually they're in heaven together or whatever at the end of that movie. so when they're definitely in heaven it when we get to point is we're at the biker bar now garrett and it is a shady biker bar lots of dudes around her and she gets this one guy that they refer to as his name is napoleon
00:56:01
Speaker
And she takes him in the back. like Antonio Banderas doesn't want anything to do with her. like She's trying to make him jealous and shit. She goes in the back with this Napoleon fella and gives the sexiest striptease.
00:56:14
Speaker
Side boob. Side nip. Uh... ah What else do you say about that? Like about the actual striptease? Because it turns into ah an amazing like old school 50s noir fight that I love the way it was shot.
00:56:28
Speaker
Oh, same, same, same. But the striptease is, la I would rank it up there with nine and a half weeks as far as sexy dances we've seen. Oh, maybe the sexiest like dance. I don't even think it can be beat. Like this is, this scene is awesome. This whole like five minute bit of this movie is.
00:56:51
Speaker
got so mad at Napoleon. Were you mad at Napoleon when he ruined it by getting handsy and rapey? And he was like, I can't let her tease me anymore. I must go and try to rape her on a pool table.
00:57:04
Speaker
No, I wasn't mad at him and I don't think she was either because that was all part of the plan. She is just a she is playing sexual chess. I was mad. I was mad because it ruined my fun.
00:57:18
Speaker
Yeah, but she knew the game of sexual chess she was playing, that she needed this pawn to get on so the the horsey piece could come save the day. Carrot is a grandmaster at chess, in case you could not tell from the fact he called it the horsey piece. The horsey piece.
00:57:35
Speaker
Yep. And ah so here's my question. So, okay. No, we have to talk about the fight. I'll get to my question later. So ah Napoleon gets kind of rapey and ah Antonio feels like he has to step in and they start fighting and we don't watch the fight.
00:57:53
Speaker
We watch her watching the fight and see them in shadow. We just see the silhouettes of bodies hitting each other with shit It's not even clear who's, which like, which one is which man, who's winning. It doesn't matter. The look of childlike glee on her face is so good.
00:58:18
Speaker
That is when you know that, like, damn, this woman is actually, like, really good at her job. She is acting here because, like, what a marvelous...
00:58:29
Speaker
thing to watch and to see that look on her face. It was so good. And it it like really hit me in that moment, too. Like, fuck, De Palma knows what he's doing. Like, this is just such a good 50s throwback, like what you would get from an old school noir.
00:58:47
Speaker
it It's playing so well. And you're right. And she is just his fucking like eating it up. Just her face is just incredible. And then we get to her and Antonio.
00:59:00
Speaker
And he's telling her how jealous he was during all of this. And Kit, you know how you see it's like, give me two scenes that have the same energy.
00:59:11
Speaker
hu Can I give you my, I'll give you the other scene first. Okay. You've seen stepbrothers. Yeah, but it was a long time ago.
00:59:22
Speaker
There is a scene in that where Catherine Han basically rapes John C. Reilly in a bathroom and they have sex in the standing position, but she like puts her leg up and is just like forcefully having sex with him. Where he's like, Oh my God, what's happening? Like where he's loving it, but also seems like he's going to cry.
00:59:42
Speaker
oh and then when, and then when they finish, she like smacks him on the ass and takes a standing piss at a urinal.
00:59:51
Speaker
and And that's... That was this scene to me, but done slightly more dramatically with Antonio. He is full clothed, head to toe, leather jacket, pants.
01:00:04
Speaker
She has ripped his dick from the zipper, which his I must hope of the balls are out too. I don't know how comfortable that is. His belt's still buckled. This is uncomfortable. His belt still buckled.
01:00:15
Speaker
Yeah, honestly, I didn't even see that his dick was out. i was curious if they were just dry humping the whole time because- i genuinely thought he might have count I genuinely thought he came in his pants and that she was just grinding on him the entire time.
01:00:31
Speaker
I think there's a zip sound. I think it is implied. Like, I feel like you see the miming motion of like, she has pulled his dick from his pants while he's still standing because then she gets on top, like still underwear, still clothed.
01:00:46
Speaker
So you assume it's a pull to the side situation. But like, they don't fuck Kit. She milks him. yeah I mean, he gets her from from behind on the pool table.
01:01:00
Speaker
a couple of thrusts but then she's like okay no more of that you don't have to lick my ass just fuck me she says yes uh but even better than that was when they're done and she's like he's like we could run away together and she's like that's that's so sweet oh like oh little sweet baby thinks he's gonna run away with me That was me after a one night stand trying to be like, should we go on a date tomorrow?
01:01:32
Speaker
the answer is always no. no Garrett, no. that's not done She says, like, I'm going to get $10 million dollars from my husband.
01:01:43
Speaker
So wipe it off and let's go get it. Wipe it off and let's go get it kit She like makes him come in 30 seconds and then struts out of the room. And it is like he hasn't even had time to process that he had sex yet.
01:02:04
Speaker
like That's why I say she milked him. Yeah. Like he is like on a pool table in, in a seedy biker bar come all over himself and his dick is sticking through a zipper.
01:02:21
Speaker
I yeah think, and this was not a good sexual experience. Like this is one that like he'll remember forever, but not necessarily fondly.
01:02:32
Speaker
No, but at the same time, No. He's like, that didn't make me feel good in my heart at all. I actually feel like the hole opened wider.
01:02:45
Speaker
ah And so they ah they go out to meet the ambassador to do the exchange. She's pretending to be kidnapped.
01:02:58
Speaker
Kidnap victim, them yeah. But like he has used his Sony mini disc card.
01:03:04
Speaker
recorder to record her saying all of this stuff about how like I'm gonna use you to get money from my husband and then I'm gonna run away and Sir, your wife milked me on the board game. have the proof. So he's trying to be like, no, i have the proof.
01:03:23
Speaker
Your wife set all this up and then ah she just shoots the ambassador. husband. Kills her husband, yeah. Then shoots Antonio.
01:03:37
Speaker
And then, no, the bad guys are here. Because I forgot to mention one of the most hilarious things about the section that is unnecessary of her like setting the dude up is that Antonio is following Rebecca Romaine.
01:03:55
Speaker
Her security is following Antonio. And the bad guys are following security. So this is like- AKA the ghoul. The ghoul.
01:04:06
Speaker
So basically, there is almost like a funeral procession of people following this one woman- um throughout the day so yes the security guy who is bad at security uh has been ah held at gunpoint by the bad guys bad guys are here and they're like haha we're gonna get that money from you finally do they get the money from her Garrett no before they say anything they yeet her into the uh into the sin
01:04:41
Speaker
They're so bad at this. Where's my money, bitch? Oh, fuck. What happened? I don't know. i might I fucking threw her in. I don't know. I've hated her for so long. well I couldn't stop myself. I just really wanted to throw her over something.
01:04:56
Speaker
I see a woman. She's so light. I just throw her
01:05:02
Speaker
What's really funny is that they throw ah a woman three times and twice they throw her into something soft that will not kill her. Only the one who got thrown into the truck was that like legit.
01:05:18
Speaker
Every other one, they're bad. they They choose bad places to throw her. Only one of them was real. ah None of them were real, Garrett, because what do we see?
01:05:28
Speaker
first one was real.
01:05:32
Speaker
Nope. Oh, shoot. You're right. The first one was real because that's the only one. yeah Well, let's get she's sinking in the water. She's
Dream Sequence and Redemption
01:05:43
Speaker
in the water. Jesus pose titties out Bush exposed.
01:05:48
Speaker
Totally naked. And you're like, wait a minute, but she wasn't naked when they threw her off. How does that make any sense? Suddenly, oh, she's up for air and she's in the bathtub.
01:05:59
Speaker
333. How do we know it was a dream kit? I'll tell you, and I figured it out when you said the sentence about an hour ago. You ready for it? Okay. You said the sentence out loud as we're describing the movie.
01:06:14
Speaker
It's seven years later. Antonio Banderas is on the balcony. John Stamos gives him a call to take it, saying that he needs a picture of the French ambassador's wife. That is a dream scenario in your fucking head, no matter how you say it.
01:06:31
Speaker
I was sitting on a balcony, then I got a call from John Stamos. He said I need to photograph the French ambassador's wife. And I'm like, of course, John Stamos, anything you need. ah It turned out I was asleep.
01:06:47
Speaker
Except you're wrong, Garrett, because later he gets another call in the real version from John Stamos again, still asking him to get a picture of the ambassador's wife. It's just this time he says no.
01:07:01
Speaker
Or was it real? Or was it? All right. So point is, she's back at the moment of decision. My question, Garrett... Did she hallucinate while she was having this like near death experience or premonition or whatever it was of every single day of those seven years of pretending to be this, ah you know, French woman who had lost a baby and marrying this man and his rise to like, you know, get himself up through the ranks of politics to become an ambassador.
01:07:40
Speaker
did she and met Did she live every single day of that? Or in her bathtub premonition, did it also just cut and say seven years later?
01:07:53
Speaker
I think it cut and said seven years later because it was so skippy. like the Like when it cuts from them fucking on the pool table to just him in a ski mask on a bridge.
01:08:04
Speaker
Like there's... what the movie chooses to show you versus what it leaves out is sometimes kind of weird. Like where it seems like there should be a thing that is more important than it is, but we get longer parts of other things that seem less important.
01:08:20
Speaker
So I do think it was like a pretty instantaneous thing. And we are seeing literally what happened in her head. Like not, I don't think she lived a ah lifetime, you know, in her head.
01:08:34
Speaker
Just like that one episode of ah ah The Next Generation where Jean-Luc Picard lives an entire life of someone else's life and grows old and has a family and dies and then was like, oh, that all took one second.
01:08:49
Speaker
And I know how to play the flute now. um But also everyone I loved didn't really exist for me. And the thing is, Antonio Banderas never even knew that he didn't get his wiener smooched.
01:09:04
Speaker
Nope. So, ah she's back in the moment. She sees, you know, sad French lady who looks just like her comes in and she gives her the most useful advice you could possibly give to someone who's in this kind of a heartbreaking situation. Unimaginable pain. Don't yourself, bitch.
01:09:24
Speaker
Nope, it's better than that. Hmm. You got a bad break, but you better forget it.
01:09:33
Speaker
Yeah, Garrett. You got a bad break. So your family's dead. Forget it. but Forget about it. Forget it. I've had a premonition and that you're going to get a way better life and it's a nice husband and a nice new life in America. You got to take that plane ticket.
01:09:51
Speaker
And you're going to, you know, fall asleep and drool on the guy next to you a little bit. And then he's going to wake you up and you're to kind of embarrassed about it. And then you're going to talk, get to know him a little bit. And then he's going to ask you about yourself. And then you're going to tell him, I lost my baby in France.
01:10:05
Speaker
And then he's going to feel bad for you. And then you'll get married and you'll be a French ambassador's wife. Can I tell you my favorite part of all that? ah When main character Rebecca Romaine Stamos takes the suicidal lady's gun and aims it at her face and the lady looks up to see that a woman who looks identical to her is now aiming a gun at her face, her out loud response is, huh?
01:10:32
Speaker
Yeah. Garrett, do you have a better response? Yeah. You are having a terrible day, i will remind you. You are contemplating suicide, and a woman who looks exactly like you tells you to go get on a plane and meet your new husband.
01:10:49
Speaker
Well, her response was also my response 90 minutes ago when I found out that she found herself at the home of a woman who looks exactly like her.
01:11:01
Speaker
Huh? Which is really funny that that's not part of the dream. That part's reality. um And the woman's like, how do I know you're telling the truth?
01:11:12
Speaker
And she says, how do I know there's a bullet in the chamber and fires the gun? Cool as hell. I liked it. And so we skip ahead seven years again. and no John Stamos, phone call. We basically get back to that scene where the lady gets thrown in front of a truck.
01:11:30
Speaker
We get a little extra with the guy driving the truck so we know his sad backstory of him getting a little trinket for- show that as ah the the sad french lady was leaving town She gave her necklace as a gift to the guy who gave her a ride to the airport and was like, you know, when your daughter someday grows up and doesn't want it anymore, you hang it on your, you know, off your windshield or whatever.
01:11:58
Speaker
And you that way she'll always be with you. And that just happens to be that the son gets... into the little prism of of the necklace seven years later, and that blinds him, so he taps the brake or shifts the whatever at just the wrong time, and instead of killing Camo Lady, he kills the two bad guys.
01:12:22
Speaker
Credits. All is right in the world. Except now this guy's got a vehicular manslaughter charge. I know. I felt so bad for him. He was like a genuinely nice guy. And he no to keep he doesn't know the two people he killed were like gonna murder somebody.
01:12:40
Speaker
doesn't know that they pushed a woman in front of his truck. he He just knows that like he just killed two men. I guess like it would eventually come out in court like, well, that guy did blind a man and he got pee pee all over another guy.
01:12:58
Speaker
So they probably deserved it. You are still going to prison for seven years. Sorry. um That's just the standard prison sentence we give everybody for everything around here.
01:13:09
Speaker
Speaking of prison sentences, Kit, we've hit the end of this movie. Oh, wait, don't forget, though. She does get a second chance with Antonio because he sees her there and he's like, have we met before?
01:13:23
Speaker
And she says, only in my dreams. Okay. He gets a second chance in this movie. But will he get a fourth chance?
01:13:34
Speaker
Is he Antonio Banderas?
01:13:39
Speaker
is he antonio band dareris Is he forever unfuckable enough that he shouldn't be in the club anymore? Is he excommunicado from the erotic thriller club but for being cucked and He's hot. a patsy He's hot, but like he just keeps getting cucked. He got cucked in this by a dude named Napoleon in a biker bar.
01:14:11
Speaker
Garrett. This is not cool, sexy man behavior. No. And I don't know how many more times I'm going to ruin my life for Antonio Mandates by watching him in movies where he does not give me what I want from him.
01:14:29
Speaker
We've watched Michael Douglas a couple times now, right? And we've not even considered banning him. Nope. Antonio, my man. Antonio.
01:14:40
Speaker
i have always fancied you a sexy man until I started watching sexy movies with you in it. Like there's a movie. He has to be the lead and the movie isn't supposed to be about boning for Antonio bandedas to be hot.
01:14:58
Speaker
I don't understand that. I don't understand it. I, it seems like it's a casting thing. Like why do they keep casting one of the handsomest men on the planet to be guy getting fucked around by hot ladies who don't respect him.
01:15:18
Speaker
but he didn't want to be in this movie. He did this as a favor to his wife.
Future of Antonio Banderas in Thrillers
01:15:23
Speaker
Oh, Melanie Griffith. Who was in Body Double. Who was in Body Double. And he agreed to do that because he didn't want to do the movie because it wasn't a huge part.
01:15:33
Speaker
And probably also because he doesn't look very cool. And he had just done Original Sin where he also wasn't very cool. We didn't know he would later be doing baby girl where he would look even less cool.
01:15:46
Speaker
He gave that 20 years before he had to the real question. We're looking at here is our, am I willing to continue to ruin my life for him by giving him more chances to break my heart?
01:15:59
Speaker
Fuck. I guess we got to look at his discography or his filmography see if there's more. I don't feel like there is, but I don't know if he deserves any more chances. Like,
01:16:10
Speaker
I'll watch another Puss in Boots, but I'm not... I'll watch another Puss in Boots, but I'm not gonna come with you on this journey. ah That's what we say here. We say, I'm not going to come with you on this journey.
01:16:24
Speaker
But I might get rid... Listen, like, Zorro was a formative bi experience for me. The two hot leads of Zorro.
01:16:37
Speaker
Mwah! Yeah, but what happened in the second one? Zorro 2? I don't know. Yeah, no one does. You forgot about him.
01:16:48
Speaker
You saw him sexy in a movie one time and that stuck with you forever. But you just saw him be kind of an idiot in three movies. Yeah, but you never forget your first love, do you, Garrett? And Catherine Zeta-Jones hasn't let me down.
01:17:02
Speaker
i don't believe that either. Have we watched? ah and is Is she in any erotic thriller? She must be. She simply must. I mean, all I really think of is an entrapment, like her butt going under the lasers, but that's... I don't think that counts.
01:17:22
Speaker
That's pretty erotic and thrilling because of her butt. if If that butt touches those lasers... and I mean, I don't feel good about saying like he doesn't deserve more chances.
01:17:34
Speaker
But I'm saying, I mean, if you want to come with him on more adventureers large adventures, it's you're welcome. But I think like, He's changed for me. Like the way I view Antonio. Oh Not as an actor, just as like as the most fuckable sex. Yeah.
01:17:55
Speaker
These movies changed him as a, set he got raped on a pool table in this. Like he came on in, it he either came in his pants or came in 30 seconds in this movie. He is such a loser in original sin.
01:18:10
Speaker
and ah yeah And baby girl, he can't make his life come. Yeah. Yeah, he gets cucked by like a 19-year-old less handsome man and baby girl, and that is sad.
01:18:27
Speaker
i don't know. Did someone in Hollywood have a fetish for cucking Antonio Banderas? Is that why this happened? Hmm.
01:18:40
Speaker
It would be interesting to see what happened that led to this. Because he's in good movies. I'm not saying I don't want to watch his movies ever again. I like him. i even liked the movies we watched him in where he was getting cooked.
01:18:56
Speaker
I'm willing to give him another chance. I'm sorry. The heart wants what the heart wants. I'm willing to forgive him. I'm willing to take him back. I can't ban him.
01:19:07
Speaker
i I'm out on this. I don't know. The viewers, the viewers, you have to be the tiebreaker here. Yep, yep. One out. She's still coming with him.
01:19:18
Speaker
Are you coming with Antonio? Let us know. Yeah, because we we cannot decide this alone. like Would you give him another chance? feel like everybody's going to let him back in, but no one, he doesn't deserve it, guys. I'm sorry.
01:19:36
Speaker
It's just like your opinion, man.
01:19:40
Speaker
Garrett, let's answer the three most important questions. Were you aroused? Scale one to five. Oh yeah. like right This is, this is high. This is a very high one. I mean, even just Rye Rasmussen in the snake thing with the nipples poking out and then the scene of them in the bathroom together, ah just getting glimpses of a boob and the TV screen, the side boob, the side nipple, just her standing there. and length ray's My God. RIP tees.
01:20:12
Speaker
Fuck.
01:20:14
Speaker
Four and a half. That's exactly the number I was going to give it. Four and a half.
01:20:21
Speaker
think it's fair. Easy, easy choice. Were you thrilled?
01:20:30
Speaker
No, not pretty. I don't know what to say with this one because that mission impossible opening was really good, but then a little bit undercut by the music. I got to say, You're right. Undercut by the music.
01:20:46
Speaker
And then just kind of a long middle, just yeah too long of her and Antonio. Like that could have just been such, it could have been condensed.
01:20:57
Speaker
This movie could have easily been 90 minutes for me. And it it needed to be a different movie entirely for those scenes of setting him up to work.
01:21:10
Speaker
for the audience, I think. It needed to be a totally different movie for you to be like, oh no, oh no, because it wasn't enough of the central focus of the movie for it to have been drawn out longer over, say, an hour or longer of him stalking this woman and ah you know learning more about her. that was it was too late for that part, so this felt like really weirdly crammed into the middle And it was too long ah for for what what what we needed out of it, to be honest.
01:21:44
Speaker
Like the heist, an overly complicated scheme from our heroine. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I'm going to go two, two and a half on thrills. Like, it's it's not void of them. Like, she's constantly being thrown off shit.
01:22:02
Speaker
She's being thrown off shit. Every time somebody got shot, I was surprised. There's an impaling at the end. There was an impaling at the end the beginning when that guy got stabbed. And yeah, Garrett, don't forget that. I got piss all over himself. We're getting tased. That's, that's nothing to sneeze at.
01:22:19
Speaker
Yeah. no i I'm still going to sit at two, two and a half. Yeah. I'll go with that as well. Yeah. um I mean, I thought the conceit was very interesting of it
Critique of Dream Endings
01:22:30
Speaker
being a dream. She gets to make a different choice and decide to be a good person and instead of, you know, living a life of stealing someone else's life.
01:22:39
Speaker
You know, that's that good, though. That is a good. I think this is a woman from killing herself. That is objectively a good thing. What about this movie? nice's not She does not rape Antonio Bandedas on a pool table. And that is good that she did not do that.
01:22:56
Speaker
That is a bad thing to do. What about this movie, though, is made better by magic being involved? The entire thing. I don't know that I... The second it turned to this dream sequence, which was also fucking magic, because we essentially got a butterfly effect of fucking fortune-telling future shit. Yeah, the weird coincidence of the woman happened to give the guy the trinket that then stopped him killing her. It's crystal ball.
01:23:31
Speaker
Yeah, it's a little... much but like you've already bought into the fact that like but these two people look identical and she just happens to like meet her on this day of all days like you've already some magical thinking was already expected of you the viewer to go along with this journey But I also think that's pushing it to make me have to go, because to be like, all right, I guess there's another person that looks exactly like her.
01:24:05
Speaker
I'm already having to do a lot of mental gymnastics to just accept that. And then when we get to the end, it's like, also magic. This movie is magic. um Which also makes me think, hey, Kit, guess what? The fucking ghoul was real.
01:24:22
Speaker
Yeah. going back to the goddamn ghoul from body double being real. It's not me. It's diploma diploma is just showing that there is a bit of mysticism and magic and all this shit.
01:24:36
Speaker
We're like, we live in Carrie land in this movie, essentially. What's really funny about this is that Hitchcock really loved the idea of like doppelgangers, deja vu, you know, ah second lives, what could have been that kind of thing.
01:24:52
Speaker
And De Palma loves Hitchcock and is like doing a deja vu of Hitchcock. But it's like a lesser version because obviously Hitchcock's Hitchcock.
01:25:04
Speaker
This is Brian De Palma. So it's not- it is like a lesser copy. like ah Like a Xeroxed version of a Xerox, you know? And some things are lost in translation.
01:25:16
Speaker
It's not as good as if it had been done by, oh I don't know, one of the masters of cinema. But like I still found it to be artistic and interesting. ah still enjoy it. Because it's still done by De Palma, who has got a great track record and you know a great filmography.
01:25:34
Speaker
But it's just... 100%. At what point do we cut off... that it was all a dream. Like is 2002, is this where we can be like, this is where we're done. Anything beyond 2002 of where it's a dream now at the end, I should just suck no matter what. Like we're like, that sucks.
01:25:54
Speaker
Cause I've hit a point where like, if at the end of something, and it turns out it was all a dream. I'm kind of pissed that I just wasted time. And like something of the last like decade that comes to mind. There was that movie Savages, which I don't remember. didn't see that one.
01:26:12
Speaker
Was it, um, fuck. Does that one end in it's all a dream? Kit, they all fucking die. And then it turns out they all didn't die. And you can tell that the way that, sorry, spoilers for anybody who didn't see Savages, the fucking Taylor, not Taylor Lautner, um, Taylor.
01:26:32
Speaker
movie, but it was just such a, like, you could tell a test audience sounds like, I didn't like that they all died. So then they added like a thing that was like, well, but then it turns out they didn't all die. How do you like that?
01:26:43
Speaker
Well, then why did I just watch this?
01:26:46
Speaker
Uh, I don't know. i Yeah. That's why I think people are going to give us hell on this one because it's like, but it was like some Hitchcock, like Lynch, Kubrick, like craziness going on in this one when I don't necessarily love that. I think it could have been done better.
01:27:06
Speaker
I think that like Some of the stuff where he was using like the split screen effect on the, were so cool. It's such really interesting ideas. I think he should have honestly played with it more.
01:27:18
Speaker
I think if the movie had been more surreal, you might not have hated it so much that it turned out that it was all a dream. a little more obvious that we're living in kind of a fantasy land.
01:27:29
Speaker
ah Yes. And then if the real world post that did not have the silly, like the real world is more real in that like it doesn't have the weird you know this coincidence butterfly effect thing happens to save that woman's life then i think it would have felt more interesting and and more obvious and more like oh dude of course that part wasn't real and this part is real it should have been so obvious but like i feel like it wasn't pushed quite far enough
01:28:06
Speaker
That being said, i do think this was a good movie. I didn't expect it to be. And I got a much better movie. Like, regardless of how I personally feel about it was all a dream endings.
01:28:20
Speaker
It was well done. it was well shot. It's interesting.
Rebecca Romijn's Allure and Acting
01:28:23
Speaker
Well acted. honestly would fight that Rebecca Romijn was great in this. Yeah.
01:28:30
Speaker
I think she was excellent. I think she was really good. I think she was underrated and that this movie was underrated at the time, which lots of movies are, but oh my God, Garrett, would you ruin your life for Rebecca Romijn?
01:28:45
Speaker
Once again, we don't run into these often, but this is one where we just don't have a choice. ah Like she is going to manipulate you into just like your black tie Garrett.
01:28:57
Speaker
Maybe you have the superpower where you're immune to all charms. She runs into me in college. Who's just like, I don't know what's happening. He won't fuck me. I'm trying so hard to fuck this idiot.
01:29:11
Speaker
I'm in his bed. I am naked in his bed, masturbating, giving little like come hither stare. Why?
01:29:24
Speaker
Garrett, you and you know what? Maybe the black tie doesn't have a superpower. Maybe he's just asexual. He's just fucking loser like me in college. No, he's either a loser like you in college and doesn't know what's going on. But that doesn't seem true because he's got a lot of suave like confidence. like A loser like you in college wouldn't have slapped her.
01:29:47
Speaker
he have been like, do you want to go see Jane e He's playing at theater. And you know what? I don't think he's asexual either. i think that he is self-sexual.
01:29:59
Speaker
He's like so narcissistic that the only person who can turn him on is himself. mean, he's like, when I got that guy to piss all over himself, that he is boy, am I cool. And then that's what gets me off, baby.
01:30:16
Speaker
That is a cool guy with a rocking hog. Unless we have these kinds of of abilities, ah we are not going to be able to resist her
Movie Availability and Listener Engagement
01:30:29
Speaker
charms.
01:30:29
Speaker
We are going to go along with her on our dumb little so kidnapping scheme. We're going to let her gone girl us. We have no choice in the matter. I'm driving down the road in her car, firing the handgun from the window because she told me to.
01:30:47
Speaker
She said I really needed to bring her purse and clothes and car and gun
01:30:55
Speaker
to the pharmacy like a normal person does.
01:31:01
Speaker
Now this movie, watch this movie. Though it is not an easy movie to find. This is one of those weird ones. I did find out it's super easy to find. This movie is all over just YouTube. And I don't mean like YouTube with commercials and all that shit.
01:31:18
Speaker
This is one of those movies that you can't buy digitally. It is not streaming anywhere. So people have just uploaded it to YouTube. And I found that out today. No one has stopped them.
01:31:30
Speaker
A few of them were like six months old and no one had done it. Because that for the longest time, that was the only way to watch Dogma. Because it's nowhere. Really? Dogma is just now coming back to theaters like now because Kevin Smith just got the rights back from Harvey Weinstein.
01:31:47
Speaker
but Oh, God. no this was Jesus Christ. yeah This was one of those, though, where just like... It's weird because it's a Warner Brothers movie. It was a big production. It's even like...
01:31:59
Speaker
got a cult following and been put in like the Warner brothers archive collection or whatever. It's just unavailable unless you own a physical copy, which somehow I do. i did not buy it.
01:32:12
Speaker
It must've been a roommates that got thrown into my shit at some point. because I had never seen that. Uh, yeah. So, uh, apparently it's free on YouTube. So go ahead and go enjoy it.
01:32:23
Speaker
Have fun. Y'all. Hey, we love you. Wait, I don't think we're there yet. Rate, review, subscribe, do all the things. Leave nice comment.
01:32:34
Speaker
We love you. We're sorry we were gone, but we're back now. And please tell your friends. ah Leave comments. You know, all that good stuff. Thank you for listening.
01:32:45
Speaker
We love you. Wet your snails. Whatever the other things I said were before I want to shake you naked and eat you alive. ha ha ha
01:32:58
Speaker
I...