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This World, Then The Fireworks (1997)
53 Plays6 months ago
The Erotic Thriller Club has yet again set a new bar for the weirdest movie we've watched so far! Billy Zane and Gina Gershon as incestuous, murderous twin is truly something to behold. Believe it or not, this movie is a COMEDY! From the opening scene this movie is an absolute roller coaster ride from hell!
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Transcript
Introduction and Club Invitation
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, but for the love of God, please leave your sibling to home and gather around your radio. It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.
Plot Overview: Incestuous Lovers and Suspicious Mother
00:01:10
Speaker
In the 1950s, two incestuous lovers, a depraved suave journalist, and his equally depraved prostitute sister, plan to get rich through seduction and murder. Things complicate when their feeble-minded mother begins to suspect something. This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, this world, then the fireworks. Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.
Key Questions for the Genre
00:01:36
Speaker
As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here.
00:01:39
Speaker
And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would I ruin my life for this person? Garrett, where did you find this insane movie? I don't, I don't know. I do know the answer is Plex.
The Movie Discovery and Initial Reactions
00:01:57
Speaker
Yes, but how did you, how did you unearth?
00:02:05
Speaker
So you know what you do, is you click on a movie you've heard of, you go down to the you might also like, get way far down into one until you've seen one you haven't heard of, then you click that one, and then go down to you all might also like from the weird one that you clicked first. Okay, so you take advantage of the fact that the algorithm puts you into progressively weirder and weirder stuff. I love that for us, because that got us this.
00:02:34
Speaker
This is easily, I mean, I think, I think this beats Meridian. And you might be right.
Bizarre and Comedic Elements of the Movie
00:02:43
Speaker
but It's Buckwild. I don't know yet though. It's hard for me to say if this one lands itself into... um clapa Papa G's treasure chest of dog shit. What makes you say that? You don't think this lands? Well, before...
00:03:05
Speaker
I want everyone to know I did not write the description of the movie this week. That is the actual description I read that made my jaw fall to the floor before the next, the first just two minutes, two opening minutes of this movie.
00:03:21
Speaker
knocked my full jaw off and my my tongue is just out just waggling ah like some sort of cartoon. It's a goddamn nightmare movie that, hear me out, this movie, as we talk about it, for our listeners and for you as well, Kit, who I told you not to look up anything, don't see the poster, you went full blind into this movie.
00:03:48
Speaker
I gave my fiance the name of the movie and that it was on Plex and had him queue it up. So I did not even know who was in it. I knew absolutely nothing going in as per your request. That's dangerous. but and it's I love that you trust me enough to let that happen to you. That's true. That's what these years of friendship have got you is that level of trust. And boy did it pay off.
00:04:16
Speaker
But this movie, as far as it being written, I want you to imagine as we discuss this movie, okay, Arkham Asylum, the Joker is locked up, and he's writing a comedy on a typewriter. Yeah, yeah, that is that is very much the vibe, because it is bonkers. Is this a, like, did you,
00:04:40
Speaker
I'll tell you the exact moment I realized. I'll tell you the moment I realized it was a comedy. Okay. I have it written down. Okay. It was with about, I would say 40 minutes, 30 minutes left in the movie when the cop is at the funeral and, uh, Billy Dane is all like, what's this about? And he's like, it's about murder. And the orchestral sting comes in like, that's when I knew that. Oh, they're doing this on purpose. Okay. This is a comedy.
00:05:08
Speaker
Boy, how deep did it take a while for me to to to realize that any of this was intentional. Yeah, and you mentioned names.
Cast and 70s-Style Credits
00:05:18
Speaker
Let's tell the people who's in this. This movie, 1997, this movie came out, stars Billy Zane, Gina Gershon, Cheryl Lee, who you might also know as Laura Palmer for twin from Twin Peaks. Fucking Rube McClanahan. Blanche!
00:05:38
Speaker
but old general From Golden Girls. Golden Girls, whose face throughout this movie, what was that Johnny Depp movie where he had syphilis? ah the The Libertine, where like his face is just gradually falling off throughout the movie? Sloughing off, yet yeah. that is kind of They never specify what exactly is wrong with her, but it's a lot. Mentally, physically, emotionally. but yeah this This movie, you mentioned the music.
00:06:06
Speaker
okay The movie opens with just the opening credits, a lot of colors. Very 70s, oddly enough, which is strange because this is set in the 50s, written in the 90s, and the the credits are firmly in the 70s with you know the very artistic fonts, no images, just just words, very pretty. And then, bam, what do we see?
Chaotic Family Dynamics and Opening
00:06:31
Speaker
Well, after I hear like, da la la la la la like and narrow like bongos and saxophone dominate this movie. It brings us to July 4th, 1926. We're celebrating two twins golden birthday. Mama's in the house with the twins bringing them a birthday cake. It cuts to across the street where Papa's banging the neighbor. And apparently this neighbor ah is is the wife of a cop. And mom, i she what for whatever reason, she looks out the window at just the right time. ah ki What is the quote about that? did you Did you write that down about like? She must have suspected dad shenanigans. No, it wasn't shenanigans. It was hijinks. Hijinks, I'm sorry. Not that different. Not that different. I'm sorry, when you're talking about banging the neighbor's wife,
00:07:28
Speaker
Shenanigans and hijinks are interchangeable. ah bit Yeah, and for whatever reason, she she looks over at this moment and sees that the cop is pulling up and is about to walk into the house and see his wife in bed with... Yeah, he's pulling up as Papa's pulling out.
00:07:46
Speaker
Yeah, and for I realized that your children they are four years old and you can't like leave them home alone, but like you're just running across
Violence and Humor: The Uneasy Blend
00:07:56
Speaker
the street where you know there's about to be a confrontation between cop, your husband, cop's wife. Why would you bring the children? Do not bring the children with you. Let them just put their faces in that cake and you run, but no, she ran hand in hand.
00:08:14
Speaker
I thought she was running out of the house at first that like the guy was going to shoot up their house. And that's why they were running. But no, they're bringing the children to the bad stuff. Yeah, there's a couple shots in this movie that are actually kind of victim of bad directing where you you as the viewer don't really know what fully is happening when you should, when it's nothing that's a secret. Like, this is not a secret that he's going in there. They are clearly crossing the street. yeah But the way it's shot is just kind of shitty. But yeah, Guy walks in, sees him banging his wife. They both pull guns. Right as guns are drawn, the mom and children walk in.
00:09:02
Speaker
Papa Pull's shotgun explodes this man's head all over his children's faces. Yes. There's blood absolutely everywhere. and and he describes it as grues yeah it's It's very gruesome, and yet the kid is laughing.
00:09:21
Speaker
and ah Billy Zane describes it in in retrospect as being funny because like dad's naked and this man had a head and now he doesn't and he's laughing and that like it's one thing for like a four-year-old who doesn't really understand what he's looking at to laugh but mom's laughing too with with the blood of the cuckolded man on her face
Character Analysis: Billy Zane's Role
00:09:48
Speaker
it's like what what is this movie?
00:09:52
Speaker
And then I'm just picking up with the, once again, the whole movie is narrated by Billy Zane, who is just in it absolutely an insufferable man. But as he just- Worse than in Titanic, by far. He is he is more hateable here.
00:10:09
Speaker
Same year as Titanic, somehow a worse character. Man, so handsome though. But in this moment, he goes, Papa got the electric chair, that lady that he was having sex with committed suicide, and mama never fully recovered.
00:10:26
Speaker
He's so chill. And then like, bam, we're back to the credits. Sorry, like ah you you just got to see fireworks, birthday party, sex, shooting. And and now we're back to the credits. well Like that scene needed to stand on its own with a perfect picture frame of like, dude. Well, can't you now picture like just the Joker at his typewriter being like, that was a hot open and now the bongos.
00:10:51
Speaker
yes
00:10:57
Speaker
because it is truly horrific, especially because it is happening to a child. late It's not like you see like a trauma movie version of the head exploding, but you do see a child get the remnants of that shit all over himself. All over the child. Four. Four year old. Four years old. And then I guess that's supposed to explain why he's such a gigantic a-hole like later in life. And he is,
00:11:27
Speaker
It's so insufferable. yeah I wrote down some of the things this man says. yeah When I choose to, I can be exceedingly ingratiating. By comparison, these average people seemed like submoronic dolts. And the man is just, he just sat there with with a thesaurus, right? And and and and he just picked out the words with the most syllables.
00:11:56
Speaker
Well, the Joker actually co-wrote it with the Saurus man. He was locked up next to calendar man. That actually makes a lot more sense. The way he talks, like it's it's like he's a faux intellectual.
00:12:11
Speaker
Yes. A hundred percent. And he is trying to, to overwhelm you with multi-syllabic words so that you will assume that he is smart. When the things he is saying, well, here's the thing. He didn't need to do that. His Billy Zane in 1997, he's already very handsome. He doesn't need to pretend to be smart for people who want to bone him.
00:12:34
Speaker
Well, he's got a lot of different bullets in the chamber. And one of his may other than just knowing big words, o you know, he he is the king of 1950s Negan. Oh my God. Yes. And slapping. Don't forget. He knows how to tell a woman that she's worthless and hitter, but not his wife.
00:12:58
Speaker
but it always leads to pound town it always leads to pound town the man cannot miss every every woman falls at her feet for him he's a babe he is this is maybe the sexiest man of any movie we've watched i don't know if that's even debatable
00:13:22
Speaker
We see the the the fireworks ah inciting incident right of of their their childhood.
Twins' Telepathic Connection and Chemistry
00:13:29
Speaker
And then they they show another scene from their childhood where they're like teenagers, I guess. We introduce the twin magic. The twin man. Yeah, they have twin telepathy, of course. And when they're kids, it works to to alert him when she is in danger. If that doesn't seem to work so well,
00:13:52
Speaker
in the future there are multiple times where she is in distress as adults and it does not alert him at all no he can just sense when she's horny and he knows when she is because just out of nowhere a little bit of blood rushes to his penis and he's just like oh my sister's horny somewhere my horny sense is tingling i must help
00:14:20
Speaker
and yeah This scene though, when they're kids, it's, I i don't really even wanna talk about it that much. It's, cause we're all already, we're two minutes into the movie and we've seen a man's head explode onto two children. Then we see them as early teens, almost teens somewhere in there. They meet up with their cousins, the cousins lead, is it Carol? Carol's her name? To this field.
00:14:47
Speaker
They hold her down a little boy in tighty whitey's comes to presumably rape her. Billy Zane rushes to the rescue and beats every, all of his family with a board. Yes. You know, what's weird is that like presumably everybody's bullying them because they know that these are weird twin zest twins who, who want to have sex with each other and that they they are all weirded out by it.
00:15:20
Speaker
when you rape her? Like you're just doing different incest. Do you really wanna open a conversation on how far down the family tree is the least icky? Yes, yes I do. Yes, yes I do. This is, no, this is not, no, I don't. I lied. You, like this, yeah, we could turn this into five minutes that I may be cut out. I did.
00:15:50
Speaker
it i That made me lose my train of thought kit. That was a thought that should have stayed in your head All right, so both twins grow up and apparently they both marry way down Billy Zane has and I'm just gonna be yeah blunt I'm gonna I'm gonna be blunt because I'm gonna treat the movie exactly the way I treat the woman the way the movie treats her She is fat and ugly She is very fat and made up and very ugly and and Billy Zane looks so hilariously handsome as he kisses her.
00:16:28
Speaker
And ah they've got their perky little son there together living in Chicago, my hometown. He's actually really nice to her. Like later when when asked why he married his 400 pound wife, as he calls her, he says- She's not even close to 400 just in the woods as well. No, not even close.
00:16:49
Speaker
He basically describes it as like, don't fat people deserve love too? Yeah, it's like he's done charity. He's really proud of of himself, I think in many ways, but he's like, yeah, she deserves love. However, he treats this, keep in mind, I'm about to say this about a woman and child that he fully abandons to only ever in passing mention one more time throughout this movie.
00:17:17
Speaker
This is the nicest he treats a woman in the entire movie, and the only woman in this movie he doesn't hit. Yes. Yeah, yeah. He's never met a woman he didn't want to slap across the face, except for his wife, I guess, and that's why he married her. It's a really bizarre situation. I mean, it really is like... Maybe he feels being ugly as punishment enough, and him hitting her would just be like too mean.
00:17:45
Speaker
like that's that's Don't try and get in the head ah the head of the Joker as he wrote this. Don't, you're right. I don't want to be in Billy Zane's character's head. Billy Zane's character, and I truly mean this, like there are so many things that if anybody knew about this movie would be fully memed. There are so many meme scenes. Oh, God. Yeah. This is a Nicolas Cage role that Nicolas Cage didn't get.
00:18:11
Speaker
I'm shocked. I was shocked when I went on IMDB and the there are so many quotes that are meme worthy and nothing that did not make it onto the IMDB quotes page. Like oh we had to write them down because it sucks because they are full page monologues.
00:18:26
Speaker
Oh yeah, yeah, theater kids should be doing this. Like wild monologues. Should be performing this. I wish we had seen this movie back when we were in school and we had those like Friday night, late night performances where people could just go do whatever they wanted on the stage. Oh yeah. You know, people would do their own weird poetry or scenes from Saturday Night Live or whatever. And someone could have done these monologues and it would have been incredible.
00:18:55
Speaker
I'd like, there's a moment in this where he like goes full cage and there has to be a gift for this where he's just like, yes, yes. After he murders a man. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yes.
00:19:11
Speaker
Like when this character is so insane, that the things that like, his brain is just a bunch of pictures with strings connecting everything. It is, it absolutely is. Like when he goes off on his tangent about taxes and how people should be taxed by their bowel movements. What are we doing here?
00:19:34
Speaker
And it seems like he's joking in this scene and so does the other character and he gets absolutely furious when that she doesn't take his shit tax serious. Yeah, his idea of being like the fairest way to to tax people would be based on bowel movements because then you could just not eat to not have to pay taxes. And poor people would naturally be taxed less than rich people because were rich people would eat more and then shit more. And then like, he has this whole logic and the woman he's telling this to is laughing hysterically. And I like, we it's because it's hilarious. And then he gets mad because no, he was serious. And this is a man who really genuinely believes he is smarter than everyone else around him. He thinks that he is
00:20:23
Speaker
beautiful mind over here, but his beautiful mind, instead of all the numbers, is is about bowel movement taxes. Honestly, this movie is like if one of the It's Always Sunny cast was really as deranged as they truly could be. This is Dennis. Yes, yes. This is Dennis from It's Always Sunny in a 50s noir. Yes. Cranked up to 100.
00:20:50
Speaker
Absolutely, 100%, only more murder, I guess. And fucking your twin sister. and so Yeah, he's never gonna sleep with Dee. This guy, I mean, Gina Gershon found, came out, what, just a couple years before, a year before this or something? Something like, yeah. She's beautiful. Gina Gershon. She's gorgeous. But they take that away from you so fast.
00:21:16
Speaker
Let's get him out of Chicago. chicago so we so he's he's meeting with a source about ah he's a journalist and He's meeting with a source about a corrupt cop that he wants to take down. and ah He goes to the bathroom and some guys burst in and shoot his short source. And then the guy, as he's there bleeding out, ah the two gunmen are like, hey, wasn't there supposed to be another guy he was meeting with? And the guy laying there bleeding out on the floor is like gives him up. He's like, yeah, he's in the bathroom. He doesn't say it, but he's like looking pointedly in that direction. Like, why would you do that? That guy, though, can I point out that actor? Yeah, because we collected a set.
00:21:57
Speaker
So we did a body double and the assistant director of the real movie inside the movie was one of the guys who stole Cameron's dad's car and Ferris Bueller. This was the other guy.
00:22:11
Speaker
thing we got him ghost sound yeah nine And weve got we've got Laura Palmer in this and then in Meridian we had Cheryl Lynn from Twin Peaks as well. So I really like that we're we're creating sets of actors from movies and things.
00:22:30
Speaker
is nice. Um, so he his life is in danger. And he gets framed for committing a crime. And so he's got to leave town. So he heads to California to move in with his mom and his sister. Sister has moved there because she is going through a messy divorce with her very rich husband that apparently when she married him, he was a schlub and a nobody and she built him up and helped him get his life back together and his rich family took him back and then he dumped her. And ah so she's she's back living with mom and he's so excited to be there, ah to be home. And mom is acting so weird. what So in this movie, I think one of the craziest things about it is you know they're fucking. Yes. They know they're fucking. Yes.
00:23:26
Speaker
Everybody in the town knows these two yeah are fucking yes, they Don't think we know they think they are so sly so sly which is really funny when you realize that ah his sister's bedroom is literally attached to the mom's bedroom and you know, they were making noise this whole time and Yeah. She, she like compliments him on how like charming and and talented and smart he is and slaps him at the same time. And mom is clutching her Bible and begging him, like, she doesn't say those words. And he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. She's like, please don't get into trouble.
00:24:11
Speaker
And this is Blanche, by the way, with the weirdest makeup. It looks vaguely like her skin is sloughing off, I'ma be honest. This woman is clearly unwell. It's weird that we're yelling at Blanche so much in this movie because of any of the Golden Girls, the Golden Girl who's most likely to find herself in this exact situation is Blanche. That is true. But yeah, you definitely find yourself on. Bit of a hushy that one, if you remember.
00:24:41
Speaker
And mom's side here is you're like, please, yeah, don't go upstairs and immediately fuck your sister as soon as you get into town. Please don't. Can't wait though. He's been on a bus for like 50 hours, probably. Yeah. And his mom is like, you could bring your family here and get them set up. That would be nice. No, absolutely not. We're never thinking about them again. He was so hot, but I bet he was covered in that travel stink.
00:25:06
Speaker
We're in a full suit on a Greyhound bus from Chicago to wherever in California. Everyone is so sweaty in this movie all the time. um So, yeah, there was no way that that was any. And we see her bathing shortly thereafter and not him. He reads a book and bathes his sister. But when we first see his sister, if they don't they're like, we don't want you to have a second to maybe find it in the back of your head that you're okay with what's about to happen between these two. This woman, Gina Gershon, what she has to be in her late, I mean, and know I know in the movie we're 30 years later, so it's supposed to be 34, but they're probably maybe in real life a little younger than that. Or at least she would be. She's sucking her thumb while she sleeps. She sucks her thumb throughout this movie. yeah And I hate it.
00:26:03
Speaker
I hated it. I hate it i hated so it He gets in there quick though. Like, I just love his mom is begging him to eat breakfast, clutching a Bible, just like for the love of God, eat some fucking toast. Just eat some fucking toast. Eat toast instead of having sex with your sister, I swear, please. Just go in the bathroom, jerk off, and see if you still want to for the love maybe you won't want to. Well, I'm sorry, but when your sister looks like Gina Gershon,
00:26:32
Speaker
What are you gonna do? Like, she wakes up with her thumb in her mouth in a titty out. Yeah, and yeah. That is the first shot we see of her. Thumb in mouth, tit out. Titty out. He puts the titty away, but then she wakes up and immediately takes his hand and is like, no, no, titty back out. Titty back out.
00:26:52
Speaker
Yeah, so she's apparently working as a prostitute ah because the alimony is not is not a lot. And she she casually mentions that like she's been hassled by by local gangsters who want a cut of her profits. And she like poison slash drugged them and left them out in the woods. She seems pretty pleased with herself about this this whole turn of events.
00:27:17
Speaker
Yeah, the one of the mob. What's funny is like I pretty I mean, we don't know what I guess it's drugs. Maybe morphine seems to be the drug we're poisoning people with a lot in this movie yeah these mobsters are lost in the woods for a full week.
00:27:32
Speaker
before anyone finds them. One of them gets committed to an insane asylum and the other one is just deceased as the insane one drags his naked body through the woods. Yes, I assume through exposure, right? Like they were naked out there in the woods for a week. So that that could kill you for sure. The huskier guy lived to probably because, you know, extra body fat to store yeah against the cold makes a lot of sense.
00:28:00
Speaker
Uh, but yeah, so now now she doesn't get hassled by gangsters anymore. So she's got that going for her. Oh, sorry. Did you have something? I just, there was a music cue during her dealing with the gangsters again, where like she is full murdered somebody and it goes back to real life. Yeah. The music and the.
00:28:22
Speaker
the the the very deeply unnatural accents and patter that are used when people are talking and the the language, it helps like every now and then like jostle you out of the moment. Like you're watching a freaking Brecht play and it's like, no, we're not taking this seriously. And you're like, but are you? And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, we know, we know, we know this is is all over the top on purpose. We're doing this for a reason. really unsettling piece of cinema yeah with a real how the fuck did this get made kind of feel to it where I can't say it's never boring because it dips into boring but like we said it will shock like you'll be bored and then this kind of sucks and then something so shocking happens that you're just a immediately right back in yeah and then you get hit with a bongo
00:29:14
Speaker
and Well, it's based on a short story, right? So like, I can see why they ended up padding it with stuff so that it ends up feeling kind of meandering. Because it does, it gets it gets weirdly meandering at points. And like 30 minutes in, there's still no, there's no plot. Like, there's no sense of what the, the actual through line of this movie is going to be other than, hey, these, these two sure are fucking aren't they?
00:29:45
Speaker
You're right though, like even by the end, I don't think that the plot, like I put plot in quotes, like it's such a who gives a fuck thing that they're trying to accomplish. And in the grand scheme of the deaths and the weirdness of the movie, their end game, and maybe it's just because it's such a low amount of money for 2024.
00:30:11
Speaker
What, the $30,000? Well, it's $300,000 or $350,000 in nowadays money, which still doesn't seem like, ah you're not gonna live off that for the rest of your life. That's not, you know, easy street after that. I mean, it's good about money. Those are Dr. Evil just became unfrozen numbers. One million dollars.
00:30:35
Speaker
Is this where, okay. No, you're you're right. He gets the job at the paper gets the job at the paper and he is immediately because he's from a big Chicago newspaper, uh, the best person in the newspaper room and everyone else hates him because he's so good that he makes the boss, uh, get on everybody else's ass for not being as, as good as him. And he's fine with all of this until the moment that his boss invites him in.
00:31:03
Speaker
to offer him a promotion. He's like, okay, well, listen, that guy that was your manager above you, he's not very good and I fired him and I want to offer you his job for like 80 bucks a week. What do you think about that? And Billy's name. You've never seen a boss almost cry at the response to offering somebody a promotion. Yeah, because he says instead, I quit.
00:31:31
Speaker
I quit and his reasoning is ah sort of because like it kind of makes sense when he points out that like you want me to do for $80 what this guy was, you were paying $112 a hundred and twelve dollars ah week to do, right? Like you just want me to do more work and not have to pay me as much as you paid this guy.
00:31:54
Speaker
And, but he also says that it's like because he doesn't want anybody to think that they know him, that they have him figured out. And it's like, what do you mean, dude? You're so full of yourself. You think you're so mysterious and your motives are so unknowable. Your motives are you want to make enough money to live off of and and you want to fuck your sister. Your motives are not that complex.
00:32:20
Speaker
All right. No, but him saying that is also kind of the way this movie is. It's like the movie doesn't want you to figure it out or feel comfortable. Like it wants you to like be a little on your toes because just as soon as you're like this sucks, it sucks in a different way.
00:32:39
Speaker
yeah Yeah, ah so true. So, Garrett, would you like to give us a a dramatic reading of his the first monologue that we get? He he informs ah his boss that boss has broken commandment minus one. Commandment minus one is a big deal for him in this movie. When you hear him bring up commandment minus one, you know you're about to get yell monologued at. Oh, yeah.
00:33:10
Speaker
I don't have it. You don't have it? I couldn't find it online. I wanted to do it. I paused and I had the subtitles on and I wrote it down word for word. So he's like, it's commandment minus one, by the way, because it is so, so obvious that it shouldn't even need to be written down. you ah Kit, I need you to get in the zone. You're insane. What are your motives? A house. That's it. ah I want a house. I want to call my sister.
00:33:39
Speaker
sure Scream at this man. Yay verily, it is the pointed moral of all happening from the beginning of creation to wit. Take not advantage of thy neighbor with his pants down, for to each man there comes this season. And in my house there are many mansions, and in those mansions there are many men longer donged than thyself.
00:34:12
Speaker
And at this point, I'm not joking. The boss tears in his eyes, says, This man is circling him, screaming, touching him. At one point he's grabbing he is standing behind his seated boss, grabbing the man's face so that he is covering mouth and partially nose. So this man is probably finding it difficult to breathe as this guy yells this insane shit to him. Man with tears in his eyes responds,
00:34:52
Speaker
but Which is fair. Fair. I just offered you a promotion. I offered him $80 and then he yelled at me about his dick is smaller than going home. Hold my calls. So he storms out of the office.
00:35:22
Speaker
and And now street cop. Yeah. A woman sees him, a blonde woman, Laura Palmer sees him sitting on a park bench outside the the newspaper and it's just like clearly so instantaneously overcome with horniness. Like her body convulses when she lays eyes on Billy Zane.
00:35:54
Speaker
That's her lip quivering. yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah He's got great hair. That guy has just such a good head. you want a pinest ah And starts immediately. He recognizes like, Oh, she wants to have sex with me. So he starts harassing i'm going to steal her and nagging her to the extreme. He is giving her he He's like he forcibly grabs her and like sits her down next to him. He is as mean to her as he can possibly be ah and then him Eventually like walks like he follows her to she reveals. I'm a police officer Yeah, she reveals. She's a police officer, and he's like I don't care I
00:36:40
Speaker
seems She might actually be the worst police officer of any of the, he is the handsome most handsome man in any of the movies. She is the worst police officer of any of these movies. I don't know about that. I mean, Cruisin had some pretty terrible cops. Okay, Kit, you're a police officer. Even if the most handsome man you've ever seen, and you're quivering, your pants are soaked, ah your lady cop skirt, whatever you're wearing in the you go to leave because he's been so awful to you and you're a little afraid. He follows you into your car yep and just spouts threats at you. And then when you are a little afraid, still pretty horny though, say, do you want to go have coffee? And he's like, no, we're going to go fuck at your house. And she's like, well, we could go talk and have a drink at my house. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we can do that after we fuck.
00:37:41
Speaker
And she's like, but then you wouldn't respect me and I wouldn't respect myself. And he's like, well, then I'm leaving then. And then she follows him and is like, yes, we can fuck. I want to fuck you so bad. It's almost the nine and a half week staircase. Yes. Yeah. In broad daylight.
00:38:01
Speaker
Even though we've established from him in dialogue that 1950s police ladies aren't allowed to be married. Like basically only single ladies. I guess in the same way that like, I don't know why that would be the case. Just less rights. They had weird rules for things like that. Like with the teachers, you weren't allowed, like they'd fire you if you got pregnant because God forbid you have to explain to children where babies come from.
00:38:29
Speaker
But yeah, shes he's like, ah we're gonna use them handcuffs. And she's like, hell yes. Here's the thing, Garrett, I think she may not be the worst cop though. I have a theory that this whole thing, she's in control of from the very beginning, that she knows exactly what she's doing. And every time she acts afraid, every time she's quivering lips, all planned, all on purpose. She's even better at this than he is.
00:38:58
Speaker
That does kind of seem to be the case, but do you think the Joker knew that when he was writing it? This is a movie about him fucking like Bruce Wayne, but then Batman pops out at the end. It turns out he is the world's greatest detective. He is. um So yeah, they they go back to her place, which is this nice little beach house, and there's boobies, and there's handcuffs, and the camera- And nagging. More nagging. The camera loves them titties, by the way. It does a lot of zoom-zooming, and it'll pan down, and pan back up, and zoom in again on them boobies.
00:39:40
Speaker
that cameraman, the cinematographer, hey everyone should have been embarrassed by that shot. yes It's almost seemed like accidental, but not really. like It's almost like we caught the cameraman being a little too horny. Yes, it did feel like that. Ooh, you naughty boy, we got you. Would you like to discuss their pillow talk afterwards? Because it's by far the weirdest we've ever heard.
00:40:10
Speaker
is this but You mean what happens before or after talking about his fat wife and her elephantitis? And his chubby son who's missing pieces. Yeah, I don't know what he meant by that exactly, but he did say that. No, he ah it it's the part where he mentions that his first child had to be killed at birth because he was, and I quote, a mongoloid. Yeah, we did use that word.
00:40:40
Speaker
Yeah, we did. it This is what he he has just met this woman. They have just had sex. And he's like, Yeah, I got a 400 pound wife with elephant Titus, and a son. And, ah you know, it's a good thing that son got born okay, because we're mostly okay. Guess we had to murder our infant.
00:41:04
Speaker
for being a Moncoloid. This is the conversation, the pillow talk, the post-coitus. I just,
00:41:16
Speaker
like my brain could not wrap around this, could you? Like I was, my jaw was like yours after the first two minutes. It was on the floor.
00:41:31
Speaker
Well, keep in mind during this portion of the writing, the Joker is in a full straight jacket, laying on his back in a pad, laughing maniacally at the ceiling. And this scene is playing in his head. Yeah. Because once again, folks, this film is a comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Never forget. Never forget. Because because that isn't the worst thing that happens in the rest of this movie. Oh God, no. So then we see him walking around with a sister and he's like, yeah, yeah. So ah her brother owns this house and we're scheming up a little plot that she and I are like, I'm going to have her fall in love with me pretty close to that already. Not going to be a problem. And then we'll come up with a scheme together where
00:42:27
Speaker
She'll tell her brother that there's a buyer for the house so that he'll sign the deed over to me and then I can kill the brother. And ah then, you know, we'll take it from there. So that's the scheme is I've been married to.
00:42:45
Speaker
You know, I've had weirder marriages if I if I just have to be married to Laura Palmer for thirty thousand dollars. What? I don't think he even was planning on on marrying her. That would be big of me, Garrett. He's already married. I think yeah it was definitely just going to be his money. Yeah, I think the plan was that he was going to get the house from her, sell the house, his own self, take the thirty thousand dollars and then just abandon her. And his theory was that she would be so miserable over what had happened that she would kill herself and that would solve that problem for him. That was the plan. That's the plan. One of the greatest thinkers of our time. Absolutely. Uh, he then notices that there's a private investigator following his sister. And because this movie is a comedy and everyone knows fat jokes are the funniest of jokes. We have a lot of visual gags with this PI because he's audio.
00:43:40
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, he is overweight. And boy, how does he not like walking up upstairs? Oh, no, he's he's so sweaty. It's funny, like with Rue McClanahan, this guy, some of the mobsters from earlier, they really kind of grow and the the wife at the beginning, the makeup department really goes out of their way to amp up the grotesqueness yes of people that aren't the most fuckable twins in the world. Yeah, everyone in this world except the fuckable twins ah and Laura Palmer has to be grotesque.
00:44:19
Speaker
This guy, he kind of has like a boss hog from deep hazard look about him. And there's a lot of chins and every little bit of fart squeaks out of him as they have a conversation. Yeah, there's an action there's actual fart jokes that just pass by.
00:44:40
Speaker
Yeah. Hit them bongos. There's also some really weird things where it's like, I get the feeling this movie, like I know it was written in the 50s or near to that time. But it doesn't seem like it wants to be said in the 50s, but it really wants that 50s aesthetic of like, everybody wanted to do a voice everybody wanted them to do with the little voice, they wanted to have the noir, the neo noir filming. But like, there are some things that are so
00:45:11
Speaker
um absolutely incongruous. ah um God, what am I turning into Billy Zane? I'm using a few more dyscolabic words. That don't make sense. Like there's a sex shop downtown in whatever town this is, which it doesn't make sense entirely if it's supposed to be a large or small town, because it's got a shitty little newspaper, but also it's big enough to have ah you know its own dedicated mobsters here. It really has the vibe of a small town, which also was confusing too because like it's not gonna be a surprise that this is the town's hooker, that his sister is just like on the street corner and in the same bar every night. Word is gonna spread. Yeah, that's the thing is she posts up at this one bar
00:46:07
Speaker
ah But yeah, there's a sex shop that has like on full display in the window a mannequin with like a sexy lingerie and holding handcuffs and wearing a leather mask type thing and it's like I don't think that they would just put that in the window.
00:46:27
Speaker
in the 50s. Maybe I'm wrong. I wasn't there, but it does feel strange. A lot of the makeup choices, like they also went for like the bold 50s red lip, but all the eye makeup is very 90s.
00:46:43
Speaker
Point is none of that matters because we're about to get to commandment minus one section A. Oh my God. So yeah, this PI that's following has been hired by her ex-husband her brother goes in pretending to be an associate of the ex-husband. And what really sets him off is when the PI says, well, if I wasn't gonna do this job, somebody else would. Yeah, he even says like, I think that this lady got a bad rap. She did so much for this man. And as soon as he's on top again, ah you know, he he throws her out and gives her syphilis and then divorces her for having syphilis.
00:47:26
Speaker
Uh, and so she doesn't deserve what's happening, which is that he's almost certainly doing this so that like paying me to follow her so he can catch her doing bad things so that he can lower the amount of alimony he's paying. And she doesn't deserve that. And he's like, well, Billy Zane is like, well, why are you doing it then? And his response is, well, if I didn't do it, someone else would, you know, I'm just doing my job. And if you're wondering that does mean he broke commandment minus one.
00:47:54
Speaker
And yeah, it's section A. Section A this time. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Monologues so well. You're right. Oh, you got this one written down too. Hell yeah. Oh, of course. Are you going to do the the big me or the big ah gif at the end? Yeah. OK. No. Yea verily so saith the Lord. Better a blind man who's pissing through an open window than the knowing servant who opens it for him.
00:48:26
Speaker
and And then he he shakes hands with the dude and is about to walk out and slams the dude's head onto the desk into one of those little paper poker things. Like what the what a server would put the the ticket yeah through. Yeah, straight through his eyeball. Yes! Yes! ah yeah yeah yeah And the way this is shot is like, once again, the full tone of the movie changes. We're in a different movie now. yeah Now we are actually in a trauma movie where we are looking at grotesque violence. Yeah, it's got a close up yeah on on the makeup job. They're very proud of their of their makeup work on this because they've got the the thing going through the eye in a way that, by the way, it would mean this dude would absolutely not die from this.
00:49:18
Speaker
But it's not pun it looked livable. It looked very livable. But it also the whole sequence of it, of him like having this handshake and then this power play and the struggle and then get cut to both their faces as they're like sweating and like grimacing as he's pulling him down onto the desk. And it's like, hey, buddy, you got two hands. You could use the other one.
00:49:47
Speaker
to grab your goddamn gun.
00:49:54
Speaker
Or to just slap this dude across the face or anything other than just letting him one-handedly pull you down onto a pokey thing. I called it a paper spike. I didn't know what else this thing would be called. I have no idea what that thing is called.
00:50:11
Speaker
But as this man dies, falls backwards on the desk and lets out his death rattle, of course one more fart squeaks out of his dead body. Absolutely. And Billy Zane takes a couple pictures with the camera? I'm not sure why, just for funsies I guess.
00:50:32
Speaker
As far as, I don't know what investigating crimes looked like in the fifties. Now there was so much DNA all over that room. Oh yeah, we didn't have that back then. That he'd get caught. But back then. I didn't know that they even had. Somebody sure got him. Somebody sure did.
00:50:50
Speaker
yeah I should have looked up if fingerprinting was even. It had to have been because Sherlock Holmes is always dust and shit. This guy. i They did have it, but I don't think they had a super good database or any way of like comparing them. But like they could have taken Billy Zane's fingerprints, I think, and then looked at the ones we might have gotten there down the road. We might have gotten there down the road.
00:51:11
Speaker
All right, so he goes home and mom's mad. And there's clearly the tension of like, what does she know? Does she know I killed a man today? No, she's mad you quit your job. She heard about that. And she's like, you need to be more responsible. How could you do something so stupid? And he's like, what right do you have to tell me what to do? You're not a great mom. And she's like, what? That clearly hurts her feelings.
00:51:41
Speaker
She's starting to cry here at the dinner table. um And- A little spoon of morphine. Gina's micro aggressive bite, by the way, is one of the, I have cackled when she took a bite of this ham and pineapple so sassily with this head cock. ah It's just so good. She's perfect at at reacting to to her brother roasting mom.
00:52:09
Speaker
And then, yeah, mom's so distraught. She can't even get up from the table by herself. So they take her up there and they give her a little little medicine to help her sleep. To be fair, few parents ever catch a spanking like these two twins are in a constant state of giving her. yeah And how bad their life is isn't necessarily her fault.
00:52:34
Speaker
bringing them into that room at the beginning was a poor decision. It was a poor decision, but it's, you know, I wouldn't say it's her fault. It's not her fault. It's also not her fault that her husband got the electric chair or, you know, any of those things that added up to a lifetime of trauma. She just wants to make her kids breakfast, them have steady jobs and them not fuck each other. I don't think that's too much to ask, is it? It's a pretty low bar.
00:53:03
Speaker
Some parents have way too high of expectations for their children. She just wanted them to have jobs and not fuck each other. And they couldn't even manage that. How dare you treat Blanche this way? Does Blanche know that she's a prostitute? She doesn't, right? Even though like think she knows that her daughter is a prostitute. I think she thinks that she is living off the alimony and like goes on a lot of dates.
00:53:30
Speaker
But i it's not clear she knows that, I don't think she does though, that her daughter's a prostitute. So from this point on in the movie, it is a lot of, there are kind of some similarities to nine and a half weeks in the way Billy Zane is treating Lois, Laura Palmer. Except it's even more explicit that like the worse he treats her, the hornier she gets. like It is so clear that I mean, in nine and a half weeks, she doesn't enjoy, uh, like, it's not on her face that she's like, ooh, the more you tell me I'm a horrible slut and you hate me and I don't deserve anything and hit me, the more my panties are flooded. But this woman clearly, like, it's throwing Billie Zane off at first that, like, how come I keep slapping her and she keeps wanting to have sex with me?
00:54:31
Speaker
is You're right. he is like It actually bothers him that she's so into this. it's good He knows this is going to make it harder to get rid of her after he steals this money. And you know he's throwing her on a car like he's going to assault her. And she's like, yes, daddy. Yes, daddy. And he's like, I'm going to fuck you out here and leave you for the neighbor kids to see when they're playing Jax. And she's like, oh, hell yes.
00:54:55
Speaker
you can do whatever you want He tears he tears her shirt like it's made of tissue paper and she is so here for it And I'm like this poor woman you just needed to be born in a different era where you could have found yourself a nice daddy who would have done all this stuff with better communication so that he would know when you do and don't want your hair pulled. Because sometimes she loves it when her hair is being pulled and sometimes she doesn't. But then it's when she doesn't want it, it re-trigger something in her brain that makes her want it even more.
00:55:28
Speaker
Yes, it does seem to there's some sort of loop in her brain that is not functioning correctly. The funniest part of this scene, though, is like he is degrading her. He is like had a light sex in on there. And then eventually, after all that, he's just like, oh, my God, let's just go inside and I'll fuck you regular in a bed. But she's walking ahead of him and the camera's kind of far away and you see him put his foot on her ass and kick her out of frame. And the sound you hear, you don't see it, but you know what that sound is, is her falling in a bush.
00:56:06
Speaker
Yes. And that's wildly hilarious that he's just like, well, I can do anything now and just like shoves her in a bush. Yeah. And all this has started because she's like, hey, your sister walks around in fancy dresses and seems like she's got a lot of money. Why can't we just ask her for the money instead of cheating my brother out of the money?
00:56:30
Speaker
No. You love your brother, don't you? You want to fuck your brother, you nasty little, you, uh, doe-eyed slut, you copulating cop. His words, not mine. See what I mean though, about like you used, you you used stupid, stupid words you to make yourself sound smart. Doe-eyed slut though is is, that's a good one. I'm going to call John that from now on. But as you see them progress, like you see Lois,
00:57:01
Speaker
becoming a less well-rounded person. Now she's drunk all the time. She's always calling out of work. She's smoking cigarettes inside. Basically never leaves lingerie. Taking all the pictures off the wall and using them as like clay pigeons. they're justs sitting on the beach Yeah, tossing them on the beach and then shooting them with rifles, by the way, which is not the usual thing you would use in such a scenario, but that's fine. But yeah, she never is going to wear full clothes again. She's always strutting her ass out for him. And honestly, it seems like a lot of fun. It's fun in the way the nine and a half weeks seemed fun at times.
00:57:39
Speaker
But in the middle of all of this and the bowel movement tacks and slapping it around, like it's a lot of this. like It gets a little repetitive with how much we're just abusing Lois. I get it. I get it. She's different. We fucked this woman up. She's a different person. She's just along for the ride and will do anything. Occasionally a little question, but then not. We get a call from his sister. and we have But first she asks the question though.
00:58:08
Speaker
Oh, she's like, you're fucking her. Do you love me more than you love your sister? And he's like, those are two entirely different things. And she's like, say it. Say that you love. And he's like, oh, I wouldn't ask you if you love me more than your brother. And she's like, I do love you more than I love my brother. I love you more than anyone and anything. And I want you to say that back to me.
00:58:34
Speaker
And I'm kinda on his side because like, even those of us who are not fucking our family members would say that like, you can't tell, you can't ask me if I, it's like asking if I love you more than I love my mom. Those are very different things. This is not a fair question. You're a psychopath if you ask someone to answer that. And that's part, and then she says, I think you're fucking her.
00:59:03
Speaker
And she gives a stellar performance here because she starts sobbing, crying, begging forgiveness. She does that little like choke sob thing. And she's like, take my car. Just take my car. You can have it. Yeah. She's just begging him for forgiveness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:59:27
Speaker
And it's it's because ah she does get the call from the sister that's like, mom's in trouble and had a minor heart attack. This is all cover. And so I need you to come here right away. and he And she's like, don't you dare. I hate you. You're fucking your sister. And I'm like, there is so much evidence that he is fucking his sister. He absolutely is fucking his sister. You picked the one thing that he's done that is not indicative that he's fucking his sister, which is getting a call from her that your mom is hurt and you need to go help out. That is like.
01:00:07
Speaker
The idea that that's your your your killer piece of evidence. I i arrest my case, Your Honor. your This man is fucking his sister. He's terrible. So yeah, she ends up crying and being like, no, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. i How could I even have said such a thing?
01:00:23
Speaker
And even as you describe that scene and it sounds insane, this is kind of a little boring lull where you're just like, you think you know where shit is headed. And then it takes us to this scene where it pulls you back in to just examine. At this point in the movie, what did you think the rest of the movie was going to be before before he got the call from the sister? What did you think was going to be the plot?
01:00:52
Speaker
I assumed that they were just going to end up with her money, probably her car, drive off together, and just live happily ever after somewhere else until they have to do it again to someone else in a different town. I assumed it was going to be more of a cruel intention style thing where he like does fall for her because she's the only person who likes it when He slaps her and like that is throwing him off enough that he is like actually going to fall for her. It's sort of cruel intention style. And then the sister is going to get jealous and then that will cause some kind of conflict. And maybe they end up in some kind of trouble over this. And either here, the sister dies. but Yeah, I saw as as being something like that. um We were both completely incorrect. Yeah.
01:01:46
Speaker
because shit's about to get somehow even weirder. So where is his sister actually right now? His sister's with a john. She is with some real estate guy that she's brought to fuck on a bare skin rug. It's way better than real estate. a Life insurance agent, I'm sorry. Life insurance agent. She is there to fuck on a bare skin rug. he And shes she's having her regular fornication with him and just, you know, just working the come out. It's just a massage.
01:02:18
Speaker
But then, in the middle of having sex with this man, she starts to have flashbacks to her whole life, yeah watching that man get that man get murdered in front of her when she's four, fucking her brother, and she gets wildly horny, yeah and she fucks this man until his whole body explodes.
01:02:38
Speaker
you Am I describing that wrong? He's got a lot of blood coming out of holes, but it's also shot from a terrible angle where it seems like she might be eating him. I was like, did she turn into a vampire? The angle on it, you can't see her face and there's blood everywhere because her face is buried in the John's neck. And so like when she comes up for air and is her face is covered in blood, you're like, I think she ate him. I think she goddamn ate him. But then it seemed like, no, that's not what happened. He had like a brain aneurysm while,
01:03:18
Speaker
he was inside her and her PTSD flashback that made her orgasm had her fuck him to death.
01:03:27
Speaker
She does not realize for a really long time. Like I don't even know, I know on this we do a lot of when a shot lingers too long and something that makes you uncomfortable, how many Mississippi's? How many one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. How many Mississippi's did she fuck a dead man on camera while we watched her fuck a corpse? No, no, because I'm not sure exactly at what point in the process he died.
01:03:56
Speaker
Well it's more than three Mississippi's I'll tell you that. It's absolutely more than three Mississippi's during which she is like buried in his neck covered in his blood with him still inside her riding that tiger. And when Billy Zane comes in we do get to see this man's little flaccid. Yeah we get to see the only penis we get to see in this movie and boy howdy is it just It's just sitting there. just sitting Just sitting there to be observed in a way that every man hopes their penis is never observed. This is why I like i am worried when I die how unimpressive it's going to look to the person who finds my dead corpse on the bare skin rug. Okay, like so presumably he didn't come, right? Or did he?
01:04:49
Speaker
because like she was still riding him. So I don't know- You're trying to tell me if you die with an erection, it stays that way forever. That's my question, I don't know. Well, you have to, okay, maybe, now hear me out. You know, like your body of back evacuates your bowels when you pass. yeah You pay your taxes um after that happens. But if you're already cocked and loaded and there's that far in the chamber, does it just shoot? And is what happens after this that's even more horrific, the dead man? A death erection, angel lust,
01:05:28
Speaker
Rigor erectus, or terminal erection, is a post-mortem erection, technically a priapism, observed in corpses of men who have been executed, particularly by hanging. So, post-death erections are a thing. I don't see why pre-death erections continuing couldn't be a thing.
01:05:48
Speaker
You can get a death boner. As you were reading all of those different names, I thought you were going to read five of those and go, which one is the title of the next movie we're covering? I would love to watch Rigor or Rectus. That sounds rad as hell. That's the name of my next death metal album. Me and you might write that together. I think we need to. As learned from the Netflix Christmas movie Hot Frosty, all you need is a title to start with and the rest will just come.
01:06:19
Speaker
It is because of pressure in the cerebellum or whatever causing a discharge of blood down to the cockle region. And yes, stuff can come out of the penis when that happens. So who knows? That's all I'm saying. I leave that for that. So you're telling me when I get that his father, when he was executed, probably got a great last meal in the come of a lifetime. Absolutely, he did. No, unfortunately, I don't know that if it works for the electric chair or only hangings.
01:07:03
Speaker
cause That sucks for him, huh? Well, I mean, it makes autoerotic asphyxiation make more sense that there's like a little something extra pushing that. Hell yeah. Really the worst thing you've done is given me a harder sell on giving it a go because I've never had any interest at all. In autoerotic asphyxiation and now i've i've done i've I've put that in your brain?
01:07:29
Speaker
Yeah, you went on like what you're on the Mayo Clinic journals. know Oh, then it's definitely true. but It's definitely true. Read those cited sources at the bottom. Make sure they're they're credible. Let me see down here. References. um Okay. Oh, wow. This dates back to 1897. Oh no.
01:07:53
Speaker
I mean there's men there's also a 1983 peer-reviewed published journal on such happenings. Yes. Okay, as long as it was peer-reviewed. Yeah. here ah Claire isn't right after this, though.
01:08:10
Speaker
cook Carol, Carol's not okay. She's seen so many people die over her life. And this is the one that seems to have her rattled because I guess it's because he was inside her at the time maybe, or because she was in the middle of a PTSD flashback and coming at the time. Well, if you remember the clerks, the lady who fucks the dead guy in the bathroom does end up in an insane asylum. Well, maybe that's just a thing that happens when you fuck a corpse.
01:08:40
Speaker
I could see that being mentally very traumatic, yeah. Honestly, if you had to rank the worst things that's happened in this woman's life, I don't even know where you'd start and maybe this is number one. I actually don't think this point is number one. I don't think it's number one even because I want to point out a thing I forgot to mention earlier is in his own description of his sister, he calls he describes her as sorely undernourished and frequently raped.
01:09:15
Speaker
So this isn't even the worst thing. Is it the worst thing? I mean, I guess it's ah with a personal opinion on what is the worst thing that ever happened to you. And clearly this is bad for her. That description that he gave, I didn't know if we were to take it. Seriously or not? Or like if it was how he described her job. I don't know. It's hard to say.
01:09:41
Speaker
It honestly doesn't even need to be looked into that much. I don't think this movie really deserves a thorough breakdown of some of this bullshit. Probably not. So, Mom comes in to Gina's Carol's room that night and he is She finds the twins in a state where ah she is curled up in his arms sucking her thumb while he tells her a bedtime story because she's so traumatized by what happened. ah They've previously they got rid of the the body, they dumped it in the lake and they had lit the car, the dude's car on fire. And so now
01:10:27
Speaker
Well, by the way, they did all this while she still had his blood on her face. It's insane. But yes, ah point is, she's not able to sleep that night. All the lights are on. It's very strange. I'm like, did you just wake up? Because like, and point is, she she calls for him. He comes. The night terrors go away during the day and the day terrors go away during the night.
01:10:52
Speaker
Yeah, that's literally the advice that he has for her when she's like, what if I never get over this? And he's like, eh, you'll only think about it at night every night for the rest of your life. In the daytime, you probably won't think about it. Marry it deep, deep down inside, sister. That's the way these things should be dealt with.
01:11:09
Speaker
You just you hang tight and I'm going to get Laura Palmer's house and we're going to live fat and happy and for like a year and a half. And so mom walks in and sees them in this position and it's actually the least.
01:11:31
Speaker
compromising position she could have caught them in they had actual sex in this room before her and you didn't catch him then this is actually the only time nothing sexy has happened between them at all yeah and mom's mad and she says they should have they should have killed you you both should have been strangled at birth I was like, is this just a thing that happened in the fifties? There was just always a person in the hospital room ready to kill a baby if need be. And just been talking and like someone wanted to do it. Someone was like, ma'am, these babies, they're going to turn out to be twin sest con men and murderers.
01:12:14
Speaker
going to need to kill him. And she's like, no, not my babies. And now looking back, she kind of regrets like, oh, I should have taken the guy up on his offer. It's too late for me to kill them now. You're only allowed to kill them when their infants and the murder man in the delivery room tells you I officially give you the stamp of approval to get have these babies murdered.
01:12:38
Speaker
Yeah. Model is it. Do you hate this movie? I can't tell if I hate it or if I enjoyed it immensely and maybe it was both.
01:12:50
Speaker
i think you're right because the thing at this point like there's I think we're gonna i mean we're already pretty far into this podcast for this to go that much longer because there's really only a couple more key scenes in this movie, but there's still so much left. So much stuff happens, but actually also, like it all happens in the last 30 minutes. like i I looked at the timestamp and I was like, this can't be, this can't be. right got of No, they don't have enough time for this, right?
01:13:23
Speaker
so get Another yelling at mama scene. Yeah. And then Carol puts mama back to bed, gives her too much morphine. Mama dies. And that's this, that solved that problem.
01:13:40
Speaker
Gina packs up some morphine and she heads out of town leaving a note behind saying, I'm not going to be at the funeral. I'm in some kind of trouble. and I'm not telling you where I'm going. cause you See you in a few days. See you in a bit. And she is on bus to Tijuana and cops shows up at the funeral. That's where we have the it's about murder.
01:14:03
Speaker
And ah it's he he gets taken in by the cops and they're like, ah there's all these dead people. And he's like, yeah, what's your point? And then he's like, all of them met your sister at some point. And he's like, yeah, what's your point? And he is their theory is that ah that the john that she was sleeping with,
01:14:28
Speaker
killed the PI i for her. And now she and the John have run off together to who knows where. And they they insult his sister so many ways. They're like, she's a hooker. She's a bit, yeah, where's the bitch at? And it's really weird that he doesn't rise to the bait here. Cause I feel like most people, if a cop said like, Hey, your sister's a bitch and a hooker. Even if you're not having sex with your sister, you'd be like,
01:14:57
Speaker
Don't talk about my sister that way. He seems completely unperturbed by by what they're saying. Instead is like, look, I mean, if she shows up, I'll tell her to turn herself in because clearly this is a misunderstanding and I want, you know, all this to get cleared up.
01:15:21
Speaker
He managed just to convince them that like they're not allowed to tail him or tap his phone or whatever because that would throw her off. And they're like, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. We definitely won't do that. But you better pinky swear promise that if she contacts you, that you're going to call us. And he's like, I think he swear promise.
01:15:42
Speaker
I mean, from here.
01:15:47
Speaker
Really, yeah all we get is him going back to Lois's. Yeah, and she's like, all right, I caved on the house thing. We're making this happen. My bro's gonna but ah gonna gonna come and we're gonna get the money. You're gonna get the money. And in the middle of that, he receives a phone call from from Mexico. you This scene may be the craziest thing in the movie.
01:16:16
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, it may very well be. I did not see this coming at all. So when he finally agrees to take this call from Mexico, the first thing we see is the camera starts to pan to the man on the phone, is China dead, covered in blood on ah kind of an operating table. Yeah, and the blood is all in the in in the pelvic region.
01:16:47
Speaker
And essentially the doctor is telling him, your sister's dead, to which he says, no, she's not. And he's like, Oh, she definitely is. Senior.
01:16:58
Speaker
that She said she was only like three months pregnant, but she was actually more like five months pregnant. I'm not a back alley abortion doctor. I don't know how much of a difference that makes in your back alley abortions, but apparently it wasn't good.
01:17:16
Speaker
because ah the the procedure did not go as planned. And as he fights with this man on the phone who is assuring him that his sister is dead, and he's like, I don't care, it's not her.
01:17:34
Speaker
The doctor, in quotes, says, I'm paraphrasing here, hey, she's been dead on this table for about four days now and it stinks in here, what do you want me to do with her? To which he says, I don't care, it's not her, throw her in the ocean, throw her in the alley for dogs to piss on, it's not my problem. Which does sort of, how did he find?
01:18:02
Speaker
this man's contact information to tell him his sister is dead. Like- Well, emergency contact is, you know, it's still a real doctor. But she filled out, you she you're telling me that for her illegal abortion, she had to fill out medical forms, including emergency contact. Well, it was either that or he dialed every number in America until he found- Which is why it took four days. Thank God he started in California.
01:18:28
Speaker
He's like, Senor, it's hot. She stinks. It's been days. That's insane that he just left this corpse on the table. First of all, he had no other patients that he needed to bring into this room during that that four days. He canceled all his other appointments. And and yes, he just left her there for four days. Days, apparently. First of all, I mean, good on him. This shows that he has quite a reputation as a back alley abortion doctor that he has never lost a patient before because clearly he has no idea how to handle this situation. um He looks fucking stressed. He looks very upset about the whole thing. He is very sad, ah very stressed, feels terrible and and does not know what to do.
01:19:21
Speaker
And Billy's response is just to just go straight into denial, I guess. Just, that's not her. Yeah, he has crying sex. Yeah, then he has cry sex. And then he's laying there. Thinking about his sister as he cries. Thinking about his sister as he cries having sex with Lois. Is this his new sister? My new sister, wife.
01:19:48
Speaker
This scene, this is this is where we close out the movie. Yes. So the bro pulls up outside the beachy cabin, bursts in with a gun and ah our dude, Billy Zane is ready. He has the rifle right there. He just pah, pah, pow, shoots the brother multiple times.
01:20:17
Speaker
Oh, it would have paid us multiple children. Well, if only there had been more children to witness it. ah Lois is laying there, not reacting at all. He goes over to the corpse and pulls out the wallet and sees that it is. That it's it reads off the man's name, that he's a Marine, he's stationed in Hawaii and then in the wallet are wedding photos of him and Lois. It is not her brother.
01:20:51
Speaker
That is her husband. And she- Did it at any point cross your mind. Or maybe do you think Billy Zane should have said, you can marry your sibling? like because Do you think there was a point where he's like, I fucked around too long? Like where he's like, you you're a sister you're you're a sibling fucker too? I married the woman with elephantitis. I could have just married my sister. And been regular happy?
01:21:22
Speaker
ah No, it did not. no you did Okay. Fair, fair. I'm a normal person. Um, so she cool as a cucumber suddenly, like a personality, like we've never seen her have before. She's always been crying. She's always been in hysterics. She's always lurching from one emotion to the next. I hate you. I'm sad. I want to fuck you. I'm so used. And now all of a sudden on the phone, she is.
01:21:50
Speaker
100% calm cool collected in charge. She calls them up. She tells them who she is that she's an officer and that there's been a terrible accident that she was here with an acquaintance and her husband came in and they weren't expecting him home. So they thought it was a prowler and she shot him and it's a horrible accident and the whole thing gets swept under the rug because she's a cop and It seems clear that she is now completely in charge of this relationship. There is a scene where they're about to drive off and ah he's getting in the driver's side and she says, move over. And he slides over. No, she says move over bitch and kicks him in a bush. Yeah, basically. And he slides over and she drives the car off into the into the happy little sunset.
01:22:48
Speaker
and It's in many ways is a very satisfying ending because we started. with his father in the exact same position right that he ends up in but also his he only ended up in california in the first place because of a corrupt cop and now a corrupt cop has landed him in this new situation where he's kind of stuck with this woman forever because she's the only one who knows his horrible secret i guess like clearly she arranged this from the beginning that she wanted someone to kill her husband and she found a man that
01:23:25
Speaker
she could convince to kill her husband. And that was her plan from the beginning. It is nice that a movie twist worked and was effective. I don't know if it was nice. How they had to treat me as a viewer.
01:23:47
Speaker
ah to get to that a good twist, ah to put you through such a weird upsetting hour and a half to get to five minutes of a twist.
01:24:01
Speaker
it but I mean, this is like any of the movies we've watched, like the werewolf fucking magician movie, even like on paper. I'm like, I get it. I get why we're making that. People are going to have a great time. They're going to toss off to them, you know, it ah during a Cinemax.
01:24:21
Speaker
time at night. This movie is not to do that to. No, because, I mean, we can get to the central question of, of were you aroused, Garrett? And the answer is, I don't know. Because oh no no I know the answer. I can give it a number. Okay. I've got a number. Go ahead. Negative one, baby. Section A.
01:24:46
Speaker
Minus one, section A, yea, verily, that thou wilt not be aroused by thy sister, or by the flaccid penis of her John. No movie ever has been so horny and off-putting all at once. Yes, the movie is so horny and you watching it will not be.
01:25:16
Speaker
I mean, there are times where you're like you get you get a nice flash of boob and you're like, ooh, boob. And then then something horrifying happens and you're like, no, no, no, don't have that feeling. Stop it, stop it.
01:25:29
Speaker
I mean, it is it is truly a roller coaster ride, but usually a roller coaster doesn't start with a sub-vertical drop. Like, it is inverted. Like, it's going back further. It's it's starting to off at such a high peak. Yes. And and then suddenly you are falling backwards.
01:25:51
Speaker
And then out of nowhere, you're not even on a roller coaster anymore. You're on It's a Small World, and you're like, I think I hate this. I want to get off. I want to get off. I'm bored. It shoots you 400 miles an hour straight up, and you didn't know you could go so fast vertically, like straight up. and it's a The puppets are still singing at you.
01:26:14
Speaker
But it also like, like a universal ride, how you're getting yeah every universal ride has to blow a little water at you. There's got to be somewhere where it missed you. But in this case, it's like kind of piss. It's like Joker piss. It's also a little bit of blood because a lot of people get blood on their face in this movie. like So like it happens multiple times. Can't were you aroused?
01:26:38
Speaker
No, it was minus one. You're with me on minus one. I mean, like, again, I might give it a point five because there were fleeting moments where I'd be like, ooh, booby. That zoom in on that nipple. That zoom in on that nipple. Or like when like I've I don't know, maybe this is just me personally, but like when he was treating her like shit outside ah and was like, I'm gonna leave you here for the neighbors. And she was like, yes, do it. I was like, damn girl.
Relationships and Odd Movie Scenes
01:27:10
Speaker
All right, we're getting somewhere. And then- Make him earn that $30,000. Yes, make him work.
01:27:18
Speaker
like Is this going to be the the most perfect relationship of all time because she's into every horrible thing he does? Maybe. like I'm taking notes right now and for your bachelorette party, a male stripper cop is going to kick you into a bush. No, please don't. I don't want that. I thought it was hot that she was into it. Not that I want that to happen to me.
01:27:43
Speaker
Uh, no, and like, and the part of their little fun and games section where they're like skeet shooting and like dancing around the house, half naked, like that looked fun. But again, it would be so swiftly whiplashed. As soon as we saw his sister sucking her thumb while she slept, yeah, 10 minutes into this movie, my penis crawl up inside you die.
01:28:10
Speaker
Didn't look, it didn't go in, but it was as flaccid as that dead man's for the duration of the movie. You didn't get, what was it? Rigor rectus from the rigor erect. ye No, no, it didn't. That was a negative one. Commandment monologue. Something weird at me. Get your thesaurus out. Spank me telling me I'm trash spit in my mouth.
01:28:34
Speaker
It is so disappointed that there were only two Yay Verilys. Where is my third? Where's my rule of three? There needed to be a third Yay Verily scene. If anything were to be cut for time, it shouldn't have been that. Well, don't you not have been that. Yay Verily! Yayas! Yayas!
01:28:58
Speaker
I am God. Uh, yeah, he definitely seems to think he is. All
Debating Thrill Level and Plot Motivations
01:29:03
Speaker
right, Garrett, where are you thrilled? I'm going to give it two different numbers for thrills. Oh, okay. So this movie gets a one, but also maybe a five.
01:29:20
Speaker
I'm going to need you to explain. Sometimes you're so bored that you're like, I don't care what happens. I want this to be over. But it hits you with a five. It hits you with a five that like it's gross. It's your skin crawls a little. I'm never worried about anyone. I wanted the fact that Billy Zane walks away alive in this movie is as a as a as a tragic. Yeah, it's a crime.
01:29:50
Speaker
I mean, it's a good thing that at least he has is now um subservient to a woman who has blackmail on him and is going to run his life for the rest of all time. Like that's probably good. But he definitely deserves worse to happen to him for sure.
01:30:09
Speaker
It's just the movie gets a little too comforting, but then Billy Zane smacks me in the face anddo bush and kicks me into a bush and I'm kind of back in. So, you know, what one and paper things through through your eye hole.
01:30:25
Speaker
You just never know if it's a roller coaster. That's all that's the whole thing You're right. and Like sometimes it's a small world and sometimes it is the wildest rattliest Roller coaster you've ever been on and you you look at this roller coaster and it is made out of cardboard and Scotch tape like it doesn't seem like it's gonna hold together you think you are genuinely going to die and on this ride. You do not have any faith that the people who built it have any idea what they're doing. And you're right. And that what you described is five star thrills. Yes. Five star thrills aren't always necessarily worth it. That doesn't necessarily mean quality thrills. It's just they yeah the filmmakers made this really confusing movie where like the writer, the director,
01:31:20
Speaker
Billy Zane, these people have to be mentally ill to think that this was something anyone wanted or that the world was asking for. I mean, it's especially wild because there's no like driving force.
01:31:36
Speaker
right behind anything that's happening because all he wants the money. Well, why does he want the money? Because he doesn't want to work at his job anymore. They even said there are multiple newspapers in town and he says himself he has never had trouble getting a job.
01:31:52
Speaker
Because he is so charming and uses big words people just and he doesn't take no for an answer People just throw jobs at him. So like what is the major motivation here that you need to do any of this just for $30,000? It's just a thing he wants. It's not a thing that bit like And again, it's it we only even bring up the house stealing idea of well into the movie. ah Well, well into the movie. Before that, it is so meandering. And that never even seems like the main plot. That never even seems like the main thing is the getting of the house. Like the description you read at the top makes it seem like they are con artists, and this is a thing they do all the time, and this is the job that's going awry. And in no way is that what the movie actually feels like as you're watching it. That feels
Comparison to Other Dark Comedies
01:32:44
Speaker
like a movie with a plot. This movie does not have one.
01:32:49
Speaker
what's What's your star rating then? and I mean, I was gonna put it at like a three for the same reason you gave it a one and a five, but I think you're correct that they should not be averaged together. Those are two separate scores.
01:33:03
Speaker
It's, yeah, it's a, this is a movie in its own league. yeah And because it doesn't, what is it in that episode of The Office where Gabe has a horror movie that he shows to The Office, and I believe he calls it like cinema of the unsettling, where even the idea of plot is comforting.
01:33:28
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, I mean there's like even in some of the opening scenes with Billy Zane I was thinking that his face looks off somehow I was I can't put my finger on it but something about the way his eyebrows are so perfectly sculpted and his face is so smooth like it just felt unnatural from the very beginning and then the whole movie is similarly unnatural feeling. And I don't mean in the way that like Dick Tracy is unnatural, where it's like, okay, you guys are clearly going for like this over the top, unrealistic vibe. It's no it's the uncanny valley of movies, because it rides the line of being almost a real movie, but then almost not.
01:34:18
Speaker
do you It almost has the vibe of like they would do multiple takes with different tones, but then edited all the different tones together to make one movie. Because you're right, sometimes it's a comedy, sometimes you're dealing with someone dying from a five month pregnancy abortion. yeah and they But the music is the same. like The music tone never changes, but the tone of the scene And that's why like I've seen dark comedies where shit is happening. in a oh absolutely like Like, have you seen very bad things ah where it's a movie of a bunch of guys that accidentally kill a prostitute at a bachelor party, saw her up into pieces, bury her in the desert, and then spend the rest of the movie turning on each other.
01:35:06
Speaker
as in like comedic ways as they're going to crack and give in or like world's greatest dad where Robin Williams son dies from auto erotic asphyxiation. He writes the kids suicide note and basically takes it as looking like a suicide instead of auto erotic asphyxiation. but he's a failed writer, people love the letter, so he basically starts writing as his dead son. He's deeper than Hansen's. His dead son, yeah. um It's not that. like No. The vibe of the darkness of this movie, like I said, it is a crazy person telling you a joke. Yes, yeah, yeah. yeah
01:35:51
Speaker
it It is so very meandering. it is it is it it It doesn't know where it's going and it is blundering around like a bull in a china shop kind of vibe to it. And that does it make it more thrilling because you don't know where it's going because this is not it is defying all logic of storytelling. And as far as would I ruin my life for Billy Zane,
01:36:22
Speaker
I don't think you have a choice. Apparently not. I don't think I have a say. Even if he wants to ruin my life, he's going to. Well, I mean, Lois turned it back around on him. So like,
Recommendation Consideration
01:36:37
Speaker
you know, it's possible to get an upper hand on him. The last five minutes. Yeah, in the last five minutes and you're going to get kicked into a bush and slapped around a lot before that happens. That kick into that bush is fucking good.
01:36:53
Speaker
But no, he's so hot. He's so hot. Him and Gina Gershon. I can't ruin your life for Gina Gershon. The answer is always, yes. Yes, I would do that. ah Yes, I would. Blanch from the Golden Girls. I mean, take away the weird syphilis, maybe scars or whatever is happening there. and I'm still with Rue McClanahan. I don't know, man. Like, what are you were you ruining for anybody in this one? I'm not ruining my life for anyone that is my actual for anyone that is my sibling. That is simply not going to happen. The the the intense feelings of automatic disgust are too strong. But if if Gina Gershon was not my sister, things might be different. But in this scenario, she would be. So no, I would not ruin my life. I can't ruin my life for my
01:37:47
Speaker
to fuck my, to fuck my twin. I can't, yeah I my life to fuck my twin. I won't do it. I'm not the one of the Lannisters. I don't get it. I'm not a twin. I don't have whatever weird twin telepathy kind of thing. And like, twin sets, I feel like is, is always a sort of metaphor because the idea is like,
01:38:13
Speaker
You're so self-centered, the only person you really wanna fuck in this world is yourself.
01:38:21
Speaker
And that is not a metaphor I want to represent me, so. No. So no. No. Overall though, do we recommend this one? I think that's the hardest question and I think the answer has to be yes, because it's something to behold.
01:38:43
Speaker
You should watch it with other people. it Be a little high, even, I would say, because then the the roller coaster is going to feel even more jagged. I don't know. I mean, I I'm a sober person. Yeah. And it was still. Pretty wild. Like in the days that I did get high like this, I don't I don't know what that would have done for me like it. You know what? That's true. Maybe it would go poorly.
01:39:12
Speaker
It's too, I mean, it would be two fully different experiences, but with similar bad vibes. Overall, this is just, it's in a league of its own. It is, I can't say like, I loved this movie, but I probably won't forget it. Yeah, no, that's
Box Office Comparison and Listener Engagement
01:39:29
Speaker
why I said, I think I hated it, but I also enjoyed it.
01:39:34
Speaker
I have such mixed emotions. I'm like Lois just I can't figure it out how I feel about you Billy's in I just don't know how this movie has never been something that's crossed my path before. It seems like this movie is so insane that somebody would have talked about it. How much money did you make at the box office? $51,000. $51,000. And how much did did did Titanic?
01:40:04
Speaker
2.2 billion. Billion dollars. Yeah. So I think everybody was talking about a different Billy Zane movie at the time. Well, it's crazy, because even Gina Gershon had a second movie this year, too, in 97. She was in Face Off. Oh, shit. I forgot she was even in that. Yeah. So they both had big movies coming. I mean, obviously, one one of the biggest of all time, and the other is just a very beloved movie for us. But I don't know, ma'am. Hey, guys, thanks for listening this week.
01:40:35
Speaker
at Erotic Thriller Club on Instagram. EroticThrillerClub at gmail dot.com if you have any questions, comments, concerns. Yeah, hit us up with likes, comments, subscribes, all that good stuff. It really helps us out and it makes us feel good. It warms our hearts.
01:40:54
Speaker
Yeah, if you're on that, the on the yeah, please, if you're on Apple, leave a leave a review. If you're on and if you're on ah YouTube, definitely click like, leave a comment, something. It's bumping us back up in the algorithm. The numbers are starting to come back from our our naughty ones that knocked our down. So try not to curse in the first 10 minutes. Yeah, well you did terribly at that this time. That's not true. That's not true. I was watching the time. I know where I was.
01:41:28
Speaker
As always, thank you for listening. We love you. Never stop following Commandment Negative One, Section A. Wet your snails. We want to shake you naked and eat you alive.