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Original Understudies - EP 31 - Elderly Vigilantes
108 Plays2 years ago
This episode was originally cooked up last November, but there were some issues that required a bit of extra editing due to a tech snafu and I have only gotten it ready to serve up now.
As always our rock steady Mastering Engineer Toivo Kallio must be recognized for his dedicated worked. And of course, I cannot forget to thank "The Quick Six" for letting us use their song for our intro.Bon Appétit!
Todays Understudies are...
Toivo Kallio Instagram.com/toistinen/
Amelia Clover @AmeliaClovervo
Jacki Schwarz Florida Person Podcast
Meag Gallagher Florida Person Podcast
James Heaney - James Plays Elden Ring
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Context
00:00:10
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Original Understudies, where I've gathered the world's most original understudies and we're going to perform some improv comedy for you. Full disclosure, this is a post-recorded intro. Originally, this was recorded on November 29th.
00:00:29
Speaker
So there's going to be some references to Thanksgiving and it's impossible to hide. There was some sinking issues and it caused a little extra editing time. But nonetheless, I'm really excited to finally release this episode.
Meet the Understudies
00:00:44
Speaker
And without further ado, let me introduce to you the understudies today. We have Jackie Schwartz. Welcome. Hey, hey, how's it going?
00:00:57
Speaker
Where can people find you on the Internet? You can find me at the Florida Person podcast, which I do with another person here today, Meg. Shh. We save the big surprise newcomers for last day. I do it with somebody that you didn't hear me say their name. All right. And welcome back to the show, Amelia Clover. Hey. Amelia, thanks for coming back. Thanks for having me back. Always a pleasure.
00:01:25
Speaker
Where can people find you online? So Amelia Clover VO, that's Amelia Clover voiceover basically on all the things. And then you can just also go to AmeliaClover.com if you want more.
00:01:38
Speaker
Perfect. And now we have a welcoming back of Sean Will to Original Under Studies. Welcome back, Sean. Yes. Thank you for having me back. I'm so excited on this cold, what is it, 69 day here in LA. So I had to pull out the beanie and the parkas. Yeah. The snow boots.
00:01:58
Speaker
Oh, yeah, yeah, it is wild. I think it was like 75 degrees in Venice on Thanksgiving and I was in heaven. Wow. Where can people find you online? Yeah, you can find me on the gram on the IG as a kid say at I am Sean Will. So that's at I am the letter I the letter M Sean Will. You can also find me on the Twitter before that was already been gone to hell. But
00:02:21
Speaker
before it even goes down even further. Same thing, I am Sean Will. And yeah, we got shows coming up, so make sure you go on those. And just like Emilia, you can check me out at IamSeanWill.com for all my acting stuff. And I also know Meg. She was my favorite actor growing up. Her name was Meg Ryan. She was America's Sweetheart. Oh, OK. I'm just saying. OK. I want to throw the surprise off. So yeah.
00:02:49
Speaker
And our newcomer of the day. I'm not sure it might be Meg Ryan. I don't know. I'm pretty sure it's not. Meg Gallagher. Welcome to Original Understudies, Meg. Thank you. Thank you for inviting me. I'm very excited to be on this episode.
00:03:06
Speaker
Where can people find you online? Barely anywhere. Barely anywhere. Barely anywhere. But I'm just getting back into the swing of things with social media. But you're part of the Florida Person Podcast, so they could find you. Are you dropping out? I was saving that for my big reveal at the end.
00:03:26
Speaker
Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I was listening to
Florida Person and Personal Stories
00:03:32
Speaker
an episode that I think we recorded a long time before Thanksgiving, but it was a Landon episode where he was hosting and I interrupted him. It was like, you're not the guest host, you're the host. I have the worst habit of interrupting people. That's good. That keeps the conversation going, I think.
00:03:50
Speaker
And I'm a fan of the Florida Person podcast. If you guys haven't checked it out, it's ridiculous. That's me and Jackie. We're both from Florida. We talk about Florida things. We talk about odd stories. I just bought MegGalaker.com yesterday. So I'm very excited. That website's going to be up soon. I'm going to have all sorts of little things on there.
00:04:13
Speaker
Yeah. And let's just be honest with people. You don't spell your name the traditional way. So they're looking
Amusing Emails and Childhood Memories
00:04:20
Speaker
for Meg Gallagher.com. You might want to let them know how to spell it. That's M-E-A-G-G-A-L-L-A-G-H-E-R.
00:04:29
Speaker
And was that just a typo that your parents put in and you stuck with it? Like what happened? Well, I am named after a character in a miniseries called the Thornbirds from the 80s. I've only seen the cover of something that has that written on it. It's very tragic.
00:04:46
Speaker
It's a very tragic story about a woman in Australia named Megan Cleary, Meg Cleary, who is in love with a priest who loves God more than her. A lot of women who were born in the 1980s that are named Megan are named after. And I guess there's a Kennedy that's named Megan and they spell it like me. So my parents were like, well, if it's good enough for the Kennedys, it's good enough for our daughter.
00:05:15
Speaker
My name is spelled differently than most Jackie's because my mom wanted to name me Skylar and my dad said that's a stupid name and so she named me Jacqueline instead and then my mom spelled it weird to get back at him and that's love.
00:05:32
Speaker
That's love. That's love. So we've got an email from ESA and it starts off very strange. Most people say hello or this or that, but it has what I can only imagine Kirby from like Kirby's Avalanche or the Kirby dream. It's a little like he used letters or the keyboard to type this. It looks like Kirby flipping a table upside down.
00:05:53
Speaker
Like there's one with the table down and then one where his hands are up and he's flipped the table upside down. And then just goes right into the suggestion. Elderly martial artists turned vigilantes. Love you all.
00:06:09
Speaker
So like I had been saying, the suggestions are wonderful and I embrace them, but it's kind of like a conversation starter. So what do we think of when we think elderly martial artists turned vigilantes? Okay, I'm going to pop right in because I'll just go off of the martial arts.
00:06:27
Speaker
story idea. So when I was a kid, I took karate at Robinson's action karate that was in a strip mall next to a Dunkin Donuts and a blockbuster. And I was like, I really enjoyed karate when I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm interrupting again. I didn't hit record on zoom, but we've been recording the podcast. So wow. But at least if we did lose the beginning part, we'll be able to pick up right here. Sorry for interrupting. Please Amy, continue.
00:06:58
Speaker
No, that's all right. That's what my God voice said, recording and... No. So one night, it's after karate class and after karate class, my mom would come and pick me and my sister and my brother up from karate. And I was just walking around in my little gee and belt, having... I was just so excited because karate is so fun.
00:07:23
Speaker
And I'm 13 and my mom's minivan, I see my mom's minivan having pulled up and I'm a weird kid. So I'm like, oh, I'm going to go and mess around with my mom and just like run and scream and wave my hands at the car. Cause you know, that's what you do.
00:07:39
Speaker
So I proceed to do this because it's a great idea. I'm high on karate. I'm loving my life. I get close enough to the van to notice that it is not my mother in this car. It is another lady, and she is holding a small child tightly to her fear in her eyes. That was the same 13-year-old as running towards her, which I immediately like stopped and left completely humiliated, although she had a right to be afraid of me because I'm like, I'm wearing karate. I'm coming at her and I know karate. Oh my gosh.
00:08:09
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. I've got a belt, I've got a gi, and I'm attacking. What belt were you? Because that's important. Because if you had a black belt on, that's scary. But if you were a white belt, not so scary. You don't know what they're going to do, right? They have no care for other people or their needs. At that point, they live to torture. So she was right to grab that child to her chest.
00:08:41
Speaker
Yeah. Like, um, it's so funny. Uh, you were talking about, you used to take her idea. Like I would have loved to, but I was always scared. So I would just watch like Ninja Turtles. So I grew up on teams, you and Ninja Turtles. And there's this, uh, story arc where, uh, it's called the last Ronin. So spoiler alert, no spoiler alert. Sorry. Uh, all the Ninja Turtles die except for Michelangelo. I know. Right. Wait, this was in a cartoon. Yeah. No, no, it wasn't in a cartoon. It was, um, the comic book. Yeah.
00:08:59
Speaker
Yeah, I've been made fun of by teenagers. Like, probably like this year.
00:09:11
Speaker
Wow. I've never read it, but the comic book was allegedly really dark. Is this the black and white version comic book where they all have read? A little bit after the black and white, but yeah, even the black and white is brutal. And so, and then they sanitize it down because they wanted to sell toys. But, so Michelangelo is like the last one. And you know how he's the party love and fun dude like, yeah, pizza.
00:09:32
Speaker
Calabunga, dude. He lost. Now he's this old disheveled, uh, turtle hanging out with April who's divorced from Casey. And he is just angry with the world. He's just killing people. Michelangelo, right? And you're just like, Oh, and so as a teen reading this, I'm just like, well, wow.
00:09:52
Speaker
Is this what I have in store? Like, if Michelangelo can lose his fun vibe, like, will I just be an old disheveled man? Maybe if I lose all my family, maybe, but still, I just thought about that and I was like, if this world can change, party dude, Michelangelo, who else can it, like, who else won't it change? It's just sad.
Improv Comedy Sketches
00:10:11
Speaker
No one's safe, wow. No one's safe. Original understudies.
00:10:22
Speaker
Hey, you got to pull yourself together. You're supposed to be a superhero. I am. Get off the couch. I am. I am too weak. Too weak. I can't. I can't. I have had laser. There is a difference between too weak and too lazy. I've got to tell you, man, I've got a bad case of the Mondays. I've got a bad I can't laser right now. I can only Steve.
00:10:50
Speaker
Listen, I think that it's important that you rise up. Like a lot of people look up to you and there's, I don't know specifically any crimes because we haven't booted up the old crime tracking machine. Hey buddy, would you do me a big favor? Would you do me a big favor? Could you scoot over to the microwave there and press the popcorn button? I'd put a bag of popcorn in and I never press the button. No, laser. I can't get up right now. I can't do it. I think you're depressed.
00:11:19
Speaker
I am depressed. I am depressed and would make it better if you could press the popcorn button. Lazer! It's me, your arch-nemesis, the dome! Where are you, man? I'm going through it, dome. I'm going through it. Alright, I uh... You think maybe we can reschedule? You got a planner? You got a planner you can take out and maybe we could do this next week, maybe sometime?
00:11:49
Speaker
Lisa, my plan is empty because I've achieved everything. I own the city. I've got all the money. I've got an appointment with my better help therapist in a few. So if we could reschedule, that would be better for me.
00:12:14
Speaker
Oh look, it's my young little one, Laser, coming back home with their parents, huh? Beam, huh? You used to call me Beam, but he never called me Dad. Now you want to come home and want more money? I'm just trying to build a relationship with you, Dad. You left me. You left a long time ago.
00:12:32
Speaker
I understand that part of this is my fault and I'm looking inward and I'm focusing outward. I'm not just a laser anymore.
00:12:51
Speaker
Mr. Laser, I'm Timmy. I'm your biggest 10-year-old fan. And I used to really look up to you, but now I'm really, really getting sad because it seems like there's villains on every street corner. And there's one outside my house now. And I see you laid out on my front stoop. And is there something you could do about him?
00:13:22
Speaker
Well, I'm having a rough go at it. Do you want a box wine? Because I'm sort of in the place right now where I'm reflecting a little bit. We're here for a warrant to arrest a laser. Giving alcohol to minors? Is there a laser amongst the house? No.
00:13:47
Speaker
No, not here. Wait a minute. No, no, no, don't, don't trust her. Don't trust the Lieutenant Dan. Look, look, look at Lazer. There's sparks flying out the back of her neck. Do you mind showing me the back of your neck? How about this, sir? Could you, could you go press the popcorn button right there on the, on the microwave? I got a bag in there. I'm willing to share.
00:14:23
Speaker
Um, uh, Mr. Laser, as your court appointed therapist, we're going to have to talk about everything. We're going to have to start at the beginning. What was your childhood like? What was your relationship with your- Oh, I can tell you. I used to cut her off all the time. Every time she tried to say so. Oh, I'm sorry. It wasn't my turn to speak. Sorry. Dad, I've tried to open up. Tried to open up.
00:14:45
Speaker
I can't remember a time where I was where I was just myself and I wasn't just, you know, being of light. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:15:02
Speaker
I've started a fire. No light of mine is a quitter. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We're being consumed. We're being consumed by this virus. I guess this therapy session is going to have to end about five minutes early. I'm still going to bill you for everything if you don't mind.
00:15:27
Speaker
All right, everyone, I know it's not a popular opinion, but I've got I think we can make Genghis Khan a sellable character with toys and like a whole franchise. We can just clean them up.
00:15:44
Speaker
I know, I know. And he's not always viewed as the most positive guy, but, you know, he's kind of like a dark horse. Okay. I want to like chess. Yeah, yeah. I got it. I got it. I got it. Okay, slogan. Here we go. All right. Genghis Khan. You're related to him. Everybody is. And now you can play with it. Him. Wait, is that true? Yeah. Yeah. Everybody's got a little bit of his DNA in it because he used to fuck.
00:16:11
Speaker
I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's a good point. Like, Genghis Khan, he fucks. I like that. Oh, that's better than the slogan. Well, that's where we're going. We want to get him, like, we're looking at housewives, right? They spend a lot of money. So if we can make him real enjoyable, the housewives. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy Khan. Sexy. Sexy Khan. You Khan, you Khan, do him just like he did all of your relatives.
00:16:41
Speaker
Wow, Sylvia, this is why we gave you a raise last year. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what that makes me think of? Like, OK, how about this? He's like the Pete Davidson, but he was just a terrible conqueror of his time. So how about we say the Pete Davidson of the old era, Genghis Khan? Jimmy, Jimmy, give me a hug.
00:17:05
Speaker
Good job, son. I really appreciate you coming with your best here. So we have to find out who all of the sexy ladies of his time were and link him to that and make Instagram accounts for everybody. We can have the biggest Instagram tree
00:17:26
Speaker
Why don't we have like a DNA match for everybody? Let's include that. Let's make this like a monthly subscription. Corner office, Sylvia. Oh, corner office. Oh my God. Ooh, ooh, how about this? How about this? How about this? It's a little action figure, right? Of GameGizCon. All right, sexy con. Then you, then you screw off his head. There's what in there? Oh, it's a swab. It's a swab. All right. And then you swab yourself. You put it in there. It's a 23 and me test.
00:17:55
Speaker
Brilliant, Petunia. You got this. Hun, can you come to the kitchen table for a second? I don't want to. Babe, this is important. It's about our relationship. Oh, really? What's our anniversary?
00:18:22
Speaker
Yeah, Jack, I'm sorry, but like I got our 23andMe gangist contest back and we're related. Oh word. That means we're like really close. Like we don't have to do the work. It's already like done for us. Like we're super close. I'm gonna post about this on social media and tell everybody how close we are and that me and my girl are like this.
00:18:49
Speaker
Babe, no, we're cousins. We can't do this anymore. We got to call off the wedding. Did I miss your birthday? Is that why you're mad at me? No, we're getting his cousins. Don't you understand? Yeah, we're related, honey. If we have this baby, it's going to be like two headed. Word.
00:19:11
Speaker
I think we could really market that and make a TikTok for it. And what's wrong? Jack, not everything is about TikTok.
00:19:30
Speaker
Yeah, so for the gender reveal party that you two were talking about, we can still have it in the park. But what was the announcement that you wanted to make again about the child? Because we do have all your relatives here. We even have a KTLA here because they want to be a part of this. So I think that's pretty cool. Me and my lady are really close, super close. Babe, go tell, go tell.
00:19:57
Speaker
I really hate that this is how we have to do this. When do you want the fireworks to go off before or after? When we say we're cousins and this is our cousin baby and our cousin baby might be a boy and a girl at once. And if that's the case, we're gonna get a sponsorship and we're gonna get free Oreo cookies for a year.
00:20:33
Speaker
Mom, my second head's being mean again. Shoulda. See? And I told her. I told her again. I said, I'm the dominant one. I move this body and pump this heart, but she's being really mean again. No, you don't all headbutt you. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Don't you think it's hard enough for your mother to have a two-headed child?
00:20:57
Speaker
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've had you guys waiting in the waiting room so long. I'm the doctor. I'm going to be working on separating these two. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Do we really have to do that? Because we got like 25 sponsorships going for these, for our child, children. Please, please, dad, my existence. Can you stop live streaming this?
00:21:24
Speaker
I mean, it's not my place to say you have to, but I've got it all set up. One's gonna have just a head and, well, the other's gonna have all the extra parts. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Dad, cousin's right. If one of us has all the extra parts, the other one's not gonna be able to function. That can't happen. Head button. Stop it. Put a pillow in between you two. I hate when you guys fight because then I have to like parent and stuff and that really stresses me out and gets in the way of my online gambling.
00:22:00
Speaker
Uh, no, I just I just want to date Brianne. If you could like close your eyes or something, Lainey, that'd be cool. No, no, I have to watch. I have to. It's part of my development. Please, Lainey, please. Come on. I just want to be a normal girl. Just for once. All right. You know what? What if I close the one eye?
00:22:22
Speaker
That's somehow even worse. Somehow that makes it even more voyeuristic. It's just like, Brianna and I are supposed to go all the way. And if you could, you know, not be watching us, you know, it makes me, I can't perform. Fine. How about this? I can at least close my eyes, but I can still smell and I still can sing. So trust me, I'm still here. Headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt.
00:22:53
Speaker
original understudies. When I was a little kid, I don't know whose fault it was that I misunderstood this concept, but there was some people that would say my last name Haney, and there was some people that would say my last name Haney. And Haney's the, in my opinion, correct one, but honestly,
00:23:23
Speaker
I don't know what it even matters but I do remember in kindergarten they'd ask me what my mom's maiden name was or like I don't know if it was kindergarten or first grade or when it was they're trying to be like these are the two different families that come together like this one I would say it's Heaney
00:23:40
Speaker
And it's Haney. And they're like, what? It came to the point where they had to actually reach out. I don't know if it was like a big problem, but like I think it might have been a parent teacher thing where they're like, OK, what is the last names? It can't be the same thing.
00:23:57
Speaker
But that concept of having two last names as a child is pretty weird in general. A lot of people have hyphenated names now because not every woman is going, I'm going to take your last name. My sister's name is hyphenated, so she's Ricky Shores Collins now. Actually, she's doctor because she's smart.
00:24:18
Speaker
But when I was in high school, I would have loved to have a hyphenated name because well, because there was another girl that I went through and I always had classes with her forever and ever. And her name was Jackie. And but she spelled Jackie I.E. And but we had the same initials. So we were both Jackie S.
00:24:38
Speaker
And so there was no like great way to differentiate, I guess, like which one was which. But for me, I hate I always got confused with Jackie. I like teachers and then whatnot. But Jackie was like she.
00:24:57
Speaker
she sucked a lot of guy's dicks in high school that was like kind of her thing that was like kind of her thing is like if you wanted and i'm sure that you used a fake name or like something to protect like she's fine she's probably like married and has like a kid or something and it's totally fine but and she never got things
00:25:16
Speaker
But it was like, yes, yes. I remember every so often, it's like, you know, like it would get around again that like Jackie was like doing the rounds and I would be like, but it's not me. It's not me. Not me. Me neither. And you know, like more power to do whatever you want. It was just like, you know, every once in a while I'd get on some kind of like text chain or something. I'd be like, oh, no, not supposed to be in here. Raw Jackie.
00:25:45
Speaker
Text chains It is Incredibly awkward when you find out that there's I don't really like to be on a text chain unless I'm Completely aware of it from the get-go and like every time I'm on a text chain with people that I don't know their phone numbers I like have to play this puzzle game of writing their numbers in so that if I'm ever on a text chain I just want to know who I'm talking to and who's who's
00:26:11
Speaker
communicating with me. And they always come in at the worst time. So you're at work or you're at the doctor's office or something that you don't want to be bothered. And it's not like you can block it out because it's a text chain. So if it's a number that you don't recognize, it pops in and you're just like.
00:26:27
Speaker
OK, what is this? What are you talking about? Who didn't start Cooper Cup in fantasy football? I don't know who who is this. And especially if you have an Android or iPhone, then it gets all like convoluted. It's all messed up. So, yeah, I hate that more than not knowing who's calling. It's like, OK, who has the Android?
00:26:47
Speaker
You know what, this is actually terrible. It's been an ongoing thing that just happened again yesterday. People are taking me off of text threads. And because I've got an Android phone, I just get separate emails, separate... I'll get a phone call where it's like, oh, this is what we're talking about online. It's like, what? Why wouldn't you just keep me on the thread? And then yesterday, if you guys know Dennis Gubbins, he's out there sucking dick every... No, I'm kidding.
00:27:16
Speaker
Are you kidding me? I'm sorry. No, I'm kidding. I just said light.
00:27:21
Speaker
No, I was on a text thread with Dennis and it's like, oh, it's his birthday coming up and like me at this bar. And then like, there's a conversation with Dennis and Joey. And then all of a sudden, Dennis is like, why is it turning green? Like what is happening here? And Joey's like, oh, James is on an Android. Then the whole text thread goes dead. And I'm like, oh my gosh, you were excommunicated because of your Android? Pretty much. And I'm sure that I'm sure I'll just get a call from Joey Greer later and be like, OK, this is where we decided we're going to meet up.
00:27:51
Speaker
Nah, you should. You should. Man, that's cold. Original understudies. Honey, we called this family meeting because when we gave you your cell phone for the first time, it is an Android and you can't be part of the family anymore, baby.
00:28:19
Speaker
What do you mean? Well, you know, on your 13th birthday, you wanted a cell phone, so we got you one, but it's an Android, so you can't be a block man anymore, okay? But it's- We've gathered all of your things and they're packed up for you. You don't, we're not mean, we're not awful.
00:28:51
Speaker
Oh, well, we're very impressed with your resume, Ms. Blockman. It seems like you've got everything in... Oh, I'm... Yes. I'm sorry, what's your operating system on your phone? Oh, what's that over there? I really like that. Is that a portrait of you?
00:29:10
Speaker
Oh, yes. Yeah, that is in my three cats. Thank you for noticing that. Oh, I really like that. Yeah. It just, I just think I, oh God, yeah, I can see your case just by the size I know. Yes, what? You know what? We're actually going in a different direction. No. I'm so sorry, Ms. Blackman. Listen, just because cats, cats, can you see her out? Just because I have an android, doesn't he? Kitty, don't bite me.
00:29:41
Speaker
Yeah, Miss Blackman. Again, I'm so sorry about your parents passing away. And they did decide to leave you a very generous fortune. Wait, they didn't?
00:29:54
Speaker
Yeah, they did. But they only wrote you in by name. They don't have you by any picture. So if you can show me a picture of you and your family on that Android, that I can actually see, and that's not too small. Oh, oh, oh. If you can actually, do you have a picture? Yeah, do you see it? I just showed it to you. No, no, it's very small. Can you enlarge it, maybe, on your Android? You're not seeing this? You're not seeing it? It's not showing it. I see it. I see it very clearly.
00:30:21
Speaker
no no it's just a little square with three little dots next to it can't tell so sorry you know what i'm just gonna have to give it to your cousin
00:30:32
Speaker
Miss Blackman, I'd love to let you into heaven, but you never got onto the FaceTime call with God. God called you through FaceTime. You never took his call. But I am Zoom. I have Google Hangouts. Look, I'd love to open these gates, but I don't make the rules. God FaceTimes you, he vets you for heaven. That's how you get in. But if you don't take that, it's very rude. It's very rude, actually.
00:31:04
Speaker
Hi, yes, Senator Keller. This is Jill Waters with The Post. I have it with a source that sucking dick was your thing in high school. I believe it's a jam. I believe it was my jam.
00:31:22
Speaker
Did it say thing? I'm sorry, it was my jam. Okay, so sucking dick was your jam in high school. It just was curious if you wanted to comment on that at this press hearing. Honestly, I think that that line is pretty self-explanatory now that you have switched it to jam. I think that that should have probably cleared it up.
00:31:51
Speaker
Senator, Senator, Senator, congratulations. You're just the most relatable candidate that we've ever seen. We've never seen such a election like this. I can't believe you won 99% of the vote. 99%? Wow. Yeah. What do you think it was? What do you think was the tipping point?
00:32:16
Speaker
I think it was more than just the tip. I think it was the whole campaign that I had been running. I think it really takes away the power from my opponents when I started to say whatever they're gonna do that's good, I'm just gonna copy that. You really gave your opponent the shaft, I gotta tell you that. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And I think it's about time that we have a different style of governing. Yeah, one that's more head on.
00:32:49
Speaker
So, yes, Miss, let me see, Angela Robinson. Is it Robinson or Angela Robbins-On? Well, actually, my mother's side is Robinson. My father's side, the name I took is Robinson. Oh, okay, so the name you took is Robinson? Robinson, but we use them interchangeably, you know, sometimes Robinson, Robinson. My parents were related.
00:33:18
Speaker
Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Because we're looking for the right type of person. And we, quite frankly, are a company that likes to promote different types of viewpoints. So if you were Robin's on, I think you'd probably be a better fit. And I'm sorry, you just... Oh, oh, wait. You know, the thing about incest is this. I mean, we can fit into a lot of different holes.
00:33:49
Speaker
Congratulations, Mr. Robinson. We've discovered that you are a queen of an unknown country. It's so unknown that you get to name it because of your incest and your royal family. Your blood is the purest. That is what your Ancestry DNA match came back to tell us.
00:34:13
Speaker
Oh, I just have one line there. It's just one single line. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like how do, how, how do you feel? I feel sick. Oh, okay. Honestly, physically, just physically ill. I feel like my organs are shutting down. Oh man. I don't think I've got a level of schlug.
00:34:38
Speaker
Well, Mrs. Robinson, we here at 23andMe have found that you have the purest blood in the entire world. So we would like to make you the leader of the entire world. Well, I wish my skin wasn't falling off all over your carpet. This is a very important, this is so important. I am a little embarrassed about my current state, but I guess, you know,
00:35:03
Speaker
Yes, we desperately need a leader in you. So if you want to address the people outside. Oh well, I think I got at least one week left. I'll give it my best shot. Okay, because the decisions you make now will change the world.
00:35:20
Speaker
Okay, well, I won't be around for it. We have one more question. Have you selected an heir? Do you have an heir? Do you have an animal? Do you have any pets? Anything? So, what my colleague is saying, not A-I-R, but H-E-R. Oh, yeah, because I don't have any hair left. No, the H-E-I-R. I hate her. I want to keep it pure. Do you think we could do a clone kind of situation? I think they could do that.
00:35:57
Speaker
Have you ever had to work with the like that heir but child of somebody that like a business owner? You're working at the business and they have a grandchild that also works at the business but does nothing?
00:36:13
Speaker
No, that sounds bad. That is a completely subjective experience. So let me just put this little thing out there. I used to work for, I worked at a coffee shop and it was a privately owned coffee shop and the owner was a semi-famous person. And his grandkids would always just like cycle through and get a summer job there.
00:36:36
Speaker
Most of them were really good and like hustled and were good workers But one of them one year like just sat and like played I think it was a PSP at the time I don't remember what it was there was a portable gaming system and he would sit and play and at the end of the day
00:36:52
Speaker
we would still have to tip them out. And it was like, it became a really like, it was the only time I've ever seen nepotism as like a fighting point. I've never worked anywhere else where it's like, oh, this person got promoted because their family owns the place. But just having to tip out somebody that wasn't working, there was a damn near mutiny there. Have you guys ever had that scenario like that where you're like, it's a family business and you're not part of the family?
00:37:20
Speaker
The only thing that comes close for me, and hopefully this isn't like, well, I used to work at this marketing agency. The person who ran it, she had her nephew used to work there and he also did very little. Both of her nephews did very little. But I ended up getting in a relationship with one of the nephews and we would have fun on the job. So we both kept paid to have a good time.
00:37:50
Speaker
Did I quit jacking? Yeah, exactly. So I'm part of the problem. Like I benefited from that nepotism. I had the opposite problem at like one of my jobs is
00:38:06
Speaker
I worked at a small TV network in Chicago and one of the editors was the nephew of the guy who owned the business. And so they took him in as an intern, but I got sent by accident, the payroll one time. And I was like, oh, they're like giving him less than ever. He's getting paid $11 an hour. Everybody else is getting paid 14. He used to stay overtime. He would be doing like more stuff than every, and I was like,
00:38:35
Speaker
They're just taking advantage of their own guy here. And they used to kind of be like, oh, you know why you're here. You wouldn't have gotten this job any other way. And I'm like, oh, you need to stand up for yourself. Oh my gosh, he sounds like the Cinderella of the...
00:38:52
Speaker
It was, it was like a Cinderella situation that I felt so bad. And when I left that company, I pulled them aside and I gave them this information. I'm like, you're not getting paid what everybody else is. You're not getting billed your overtime. And you're doing the same amount of projects as any of the other editors. And they're at least getting like four bucks more an hour and overtime. And you're not getting any of that.
00:39:34
Speaker
Uh, um, hey, uh, other Ninja Turtles. I just saw the payroll and, uh, I as Donatello, I am not getting the same amount as the rest of you. Whoa. What are you talking about, Donnie? Maybe, maybe that's just sort of like, uh, you know, a pizza problem.
00:39:43
Speaker
And he was like, I don't think there's anything I...
00:39:54
Speaker
I just thought, look, we'll take a look. There is one less zero next to Donatello. I'm an inventor, you guys. Raphael just makes jokes and storms away. Why am I getting paid like $330 and everyone else is getting paid $300 a day?
00:40:12
Speaker
Hey, come on, I'm not storming away from anything, but I want a slice of pizza pie. Yeah, Raffy, I would. Hey, Donny, maybe it's just the fact that I don't know, maybe it's not a zero, maybe it's another, oh, as in, oh, you're so awesome.
00:40:29
Speaker
Hey turtles, what are you all arguing about? Hey April, Donnie's over here feeling inadequate because he's missing an extra O. Oh, is he? Yeah. It's job, it's job inequity. You should know all about this April. You're a female reporter. Everybody at your job makes more than you. You know that. Well, you know what?
00:40:49
Speaker
I'm going to have to do some reporting on this, some real hard hitting reporting. I'm going to have to take out my notebooks. I'm going to have to look at the computer. I'm going to have to do some interviews. First of all, Michelangelo, what do you think about this? Well, I'm not about inequality. All I'm all about is pizza quality. Am I right?
00:41:12
Speaker
Is it, I'm not making up puns? Is that the problem? It could be, yeah. Leonardo, have you thought about unionizing and the benefits?
00:41:29
Speaker
Look, O'Neil, it's really cute that you keep bringing in these stories about mutant turtles that don't exist, but we pay you to look pretty, okay? Honestly, we pay you to look pretty, so can you please stop? I'm glad that you brought that up, because I'm really pretty. I am so much prettier than you, than anybody at this news station, and with that,
00:41:50
Speaker
That said, I would like a raise. A pretty good high raise. Oh, nearly. Every week you come in with this, but you just look at those doe eyes. Look at those doe eyes. What am I supposed to do? She's doing the Siren eyes. Now she's doing the Siren.
00:42:07
Speaker
Okay, so April O'Neil, all right, we got this movie for you. You're gonna be recreating your relationship that you have with these Ninja Turtles, okay? But it's gonna be under my banner, all right? Michael Bay's banner. Can you just stand there and look pretty? Yeah, do you want my lips to be poutier?
00:42:25
Speaker
A little bit poutier and just pretend you know how to work a camera. Oh, Miss O'Neill, Miss O'Neill, we have a lot of options actually in wardrobe if you don't want to be in a yellow jumpsuit the whole time. I'm good. Oh, actually it wasn't really, do you maybe want to just try like something else besides like the yellow jumpsuit? Oh, like those little shorts and this little tank top.
00:42:52
Speaker
Yeah, would you, would you be, you know, something like that? Just, you know, anything but the, or the yellow jumpsuits. Oh, no. It's Megan Fox. You're standing on my territory of being pretty and part of Michael Bay's secret. Oh my God. You look like you're going to bite me. Yeah. I might just bite you because. Oh no. Are you a black belt? Of course I am. Well. Okay, good. You can take her out. Fight now.
00:43:22
Speaker
Come at me. Bang, bang. Snap. That's how fighting works, right? Hello? Hello? 911? 911? All right, I've got you on the line. Megan Fox, she has a black belt and she's approaching my car. Megan Fox? She's dressed in karate here and she's, I think it's Megan Fox and she's approaching my car, I'm afraid.
00:43:50
Speaker
Well, don't open your window. Do you have the keys to your car? No, I threw them at Megan Fox. That was a bad life choice. Smolder. Smolder. Oh, my car won't start without the keys. Probably not. Scratch. What I'm going to want you to do is sit very still. Megan Fox can only see... What was that? She's getting closer. She's not running. She's just sort of like stretching. Threaten. Threaten. Don't make any big movements. If Megan Fox doesn't see you moving, she doesn't even know you're there. Shut up. Threaten.
00:44:20
Speaker
Whoa, where'd she go? Like where is she? So yes, to recreate the 1991 riots in LA, we have, obviously we just have camera footage and not sound equipment. So we have the wonderful Megan Fox in here to recreate the sounds from the riots. Please Megan, what happened with some of these buildings?
00:44:45
Speaker
So it was like raw, raw, angry, like fire, threatened, threatened signs, signs help, like people taking bathroom breaks. The brutality. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. I don't want to cut it too close. Mr. Fox, I appreciate you bringing your daughter in here, Megan, to do some fully work. She's crazy.
00:45:06
Speaker
I mean, as a sidebar, I don't think so. I think she sucks. I don't want her to hear me say that. I hope she doesn't actually. But here's the thing. We want the explosions to be things like.
00:45:23
Speaker
Stuff like that. Okay. You know what I mean? So stuff like, well, okay. I think I got it. I'm sorry. You got it. All right. My hands are a little slow. All right. I got you. How about this? Okay. Megan, honey. Daddy. Sorry. I just got some notes. Everything is good. So we're going to try another time period. Okay. So we're going to do World War II and then you're just going to recreate that, but they want a little bit more. Just, just give it a little more. Okay. Megan, you got this.
00:45:48
Speaker
Right, okay. Okay. One, two, and now. A bomb, a fire, a burrittina. Turtles, assemble. I think we can solve all of this bad blood by having a pizza party.
00:46:17
Speaker
Yeah, it's his favorite one. All right, but listen, April, I'm Leonardo. I'm the leader of the turtles. Oh, are we supposed to go through some sort of like election or voting system or?
00:46:32
Speaker
Uh, no, it was just, that's just the way I'm a natural leader and everybody's just been following me. I think that's just the way it works. April, you can't come in here, right guys? Like, I also have a problem that this pizza party is going to cost my entire salary for the day. Okay. Like everyone else makes 300. I'm not over this. I'm just not over it. Whoa. And April, I'm the one that announces pizza party. Anything that has to do with pizza, that's my announcement. That's what makes Michelangelo, Michelangelo.
00:46:58
Speaker
What do you think about this Versace? Who? Versace? Is there a new turtle? Is there a new turtle? Well, hey guys, it's me. Versace is a girl turtle. And Versace is also Dolce and Gabbana, another turtle also. We're expanding, guys. More turtles, more power to us. Whoa, and they're dressed so cool. Hello, it is Master Splinter, and I am afraid turtles that I have to let you go.
00:47:29
Speaker
You all fires. Why? No, you can't fire your sons. Well, I'm afraid I have to. For one thing, we have new turtles, Dolce and Gabbana Versace and Gucci. And also you all have Android. So I'm afraid I have to let you go. But not even all of those are Italian. You guys just hired a turtle named Coach.
00:47:53
Speaker
Hey Raphael, it's me Gucci. Why don't you take that half shell of yours and stick it up here. You know what, while you get out of here, go back to Cleveland. He's Gucci. He's very spunky. April again guys. Listen, me and the new turtles have been talking and it looks like we're not going to be having a pizza party. We're going to be having a meatball sub party. Is that cool?
00:48:22
Speaker
Welcome back to New York Fashion Week and it is a hell of a show. We've got so many turtles on the runway, scratching about, just scratching up the surface. Oh, one just dived off the stage into a little tiny pond. This is a very unconventional fashion show. The turtles are going very slowly.
00:48:45
Speaker
And I don't know why they're doing stage dives off into the little pods. What the hell is going on on this catwalk? This isn't New York fashion. I'm not going to lie to you, the way some of these turtles turn around with their fierceness. I mean, it's like a new amphibian era of fashion. I love it. Yes. Look who's big shell coming down. Oh, no. Already already wandered right off the side of the stage. All right.
00:49:20
Speaker
Dolce and Gabbana, thank you for sitting down for this interview with me. It's clear that you are the breakout stars of the Ninja Turtles. What are your thoughts on that?
00:49:35
Speaker
Well, I mean, if I'm gonna go first as Dolce & Gabbana, I gotta say, I'm with the old and with the new. Am I right? Am I right, everybody? So you just needed, who doesn't like- Fresh, blood, new. Are you, how old are you? Are you a teenager? Are you an adult? Are you a preteen? Are you a little baby?
00:49:57
Speaker
You know, I get this a lot. I actually get this a lot. It keeps getting younger and younger every year. So I am a turtle fetus. Wow. You're so fresh faced. I just love your eyelashes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.
00:50:10
Speaker
Well, hey, Dolce and Gabbana. It's me, Michelangelo, but I'm just a withered old man now. You've made sure that me and my brothers lost our job, and Donatello's been out there just sucking people dry, and Leonardo can't lead anymore. He just follows somebody at an old beer garden in St. Louis and Raphael.
00:50:31
Speaker
Raphael, he couldn't do any more heroics. So he, he, he jumped up the Statue of Liberty, but actually went into the water. So he was fine, but he floated off into Australia. We never seen him again. How do you, I want to get my revenge on you. Don't you go about it right now. I mean, look, I'm only eight.
00:50:50
Speaker
Gentlemen, gentlemen, we've done it. We've found, we've found the antidote to Benjamin Button Disease. We can finally save the dot here, good-bye to teenage mutant ninja turtles. The world is saved. Well, hold on one moment. We have power in our hands. Do we really wish to spend it?
00:51:14
Speaker
so quickly. I don't want to live in a world with no doji of goodbye to teenage mutant ninja turtles. It's just too convoluted. Here's an idea. Why don't we make a clone of this little DNG? A clone? Well, I don't see how anything could go wrong with that. No, we tried it once and it didn't work, but I'm willing to give it another shot.
00:51:49
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of Original Understudies. This episode wouldn't be possible without our mastering engineer, Toyful Kaleel, and I am so proud of our amazing cast which got just a little bigger this month. We've got Aaron Martin, Will Morris, Mike Dolrazo, and Kevin Prado. Unfortunately,
00:52:11
Speaker
It seems like Destiny at this point. They weren't able to make the recording. Luckily, the original understudies were able to step in in their absence and fill in the funny. All right, so we've got another review and I am really happy. I feel like they're rolling in now. Keep it up, please. The celebration isn't a reason to stop putting the reviews in, but here it is. Five star review titled Carrying the Torch.
00:52:39
Speaker
If you're like me, the end of elk me this created a big lonely hole in my heart. Now the original understudies has wormed its way in like a warm, huggable, parasitic worm. Give it a shot if you love Great Improv. I suppose I should throw out a topic suggestion. I'm not sure I'm the only one this has happened to.
00:53:01
Speaker
Have any of the understudies thought some fact was true and confidently told others about it, only to be proven wrong? Calium. Well, I can't wait to see what the original understudies have to say about that. And don't forget to send in suggestions also through the traditional path at originalunderstudiespodcastatgmail.com. Original Understudies