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Feeling Abandoned by God in your Shame?
148 Plays1 year ago
Feeling Abandoned by God in Your Shame?
Have you ever felt weighed down by shame, like you're completely alone in your struggle? You're not alone. In my first podcast episode, I share a bit of my story—one of deep pain, shame, and ultimately, healing.
From experiencing abuse and being introduced to pornography at a young age, to hitting rock bottom and wanting to end my life, I was trapped in a cycle of shame. But in my darkest moment, I realized something profound: I didn’t need all the answers, I needed Jesus.
If you’re feeling abandoned by God or alone in your battle today I discuss how being with Jesus helped me through my darkest moments.
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Transcript
Intro
Podcast Expansion & Platforms
00:00:30
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of The Shameless Podcast. I'm so excited that this podcast has gotten a great turnout from all my friends and people sharing it. So thank you for all of you who have been doing that. And I want to let you know that these podcast episodes are also on video.
00:00:47
Speaker
There will be times that I am doing some presentations or my guests who come on will have a presentation or slide deck. So you're more than welcome to go check that out on YouTube or Spotify or even Apple Podcasts now. If you don't know this, we'll actually show the video. So I would encourage you to check those out on video format if that's your jam. And as always, we'll have them also on audio. But for those of you who have been sharing it, thank you, thank you, thank you guys so much. I encourage you to keep sharing it.
Feelings of Abandonment by God
00:01:16
Speaker
Alright, now there's going to be a lot of nuances today and different things that I'm going to be talking about today in regards to the topic because it is going to be a heavy topic. So I wanted to just let you know from the offset if at any point in this conversation it brings back certain memories for you or struggles that you might have or something triggers you that you would just Take a pause, step back, pray, may the Lord comfort you because it is going to be a heavy topic. And there's no easy way to transition the topic, but what we're going to talk about today is just feeling abandoned by God when you're struggling with sin and shame.
00:01:57
Speaker
Now, when we think about shame, okay, the reason we struggle with shame, there's ah multiple reasons, but the two top reasons, if we have a really big category for it, is that number one, it's sin that we've committed, right? So when we commit sin, we have guilt and shame. Guilt is what you've done wrong. Shame is feeling wrong about it, that you as a person are wrong, right? But at the same time, there is sin committed against us.
00:02:24
Speaker
And we feel that and sometimes it's a small sin sometimes it it it could be a slightly traumatic and other times it could be an egregious sin where it's actually hurting you quite a bit. And that's what we're going to focus on today is the sin committed against us.
00:02:40
Speaker
A few episodes back, we discussed this and in the five top reasons why people struggle and kind of gave you some categories. And one of those categories was the socially embedded category. And the reason I wanted to give you that context is because when people commit sin against us, sometimes we feel like we don't know what to do and we don't know how to deal with the shame because we take it on ourselves and we end up acting like, oh my gosh, this was my fault. This was all on me.
00:03:06
Speaker
And the reality is, no, no, no, we have to learn how to differentiate between things that we've done and things done to us. So today, that's what we're gonna talk about, things done to us.
Childhood Abuse & Religious Conflict
00:03:18
Speaker
Now for me, as I share my story, I wanna let you know that there were several things that happened to me and I'm gonna break it out into multiple episodes because it'll be a very long podcast episode if I decided to do all of it at once. But for me, one of the things that I realized is that I was trying so hard to overcome my lust and my addictions, and I didn't know how to. I was just struggling a lot. But one of the main reasons is because when I was younger, I had been abused. And that was the sin that was committed against me. And at that time, I was also introduced to pornography when I was like four or five years old. And this radically changed the way I viewed life.
00:04:01
Speaker
To give you some context, I was born in a Christian home by my mom. She took me to church all the time and my siblings. And that's the thing that I grew up in. But the problem was that it also was a very legalistic church where everything was kind of, for the lack of a better word, hellfire and brimstone. And I just didn't know how to, as a kid, conceptualize everything that was going on in my life. And then what the church was telling me how I should live and what I should do.
00:04:30
Speaker
But what I do remember is all this abuse and all this manipulation that happened to me telling me that these things were okay and that it's okay to just mess around and and we're just experimenting and we're just trying things out, right? Learning our bodies. And I just remember thinking to myself, this doesn't feel right, but I was told to keep it a secret and I couldn't share it.
00:04:53
Speaker
and lo and behold after a while my my parents and I we we moved to to a different place and that situation stopped but what I do remember is that I repressed all of those painful memories and the two painful memories right that I was having was the abuse and also the church telling me that I would like if you sin if you do anything you're going to hell right like it it was very very like like hellfire guilt driven and I just didn't know how to handle that. I was a child who had a very sensitive spirit so in one side I know I'm sinning or sin is happening towards me.
00:05:32
Speaker
And then on the other side, I felt like because the sin was happening towards me and I was feeling like I had to participate, then it was my fault. So then now I had the church's view in my mind thinking I'm going to go to hell for what has been happening to me.
Rebellion & Double Life
00:05:49
Speaker
So I repressed a lot of these memories until I was about 13 years of age. And then around 13, I remember just like the flood of memories just started coming back of everything that happened to me, all of the thoughts that the church that I was feeling ah ah came crashing into like one moment. And I was so angry at God.
00:06:13
Speaker
I felt abandoned by God. I was just like, wait a minute. I was trying to be a good church kid. I was wearing this three-piece suit going to church. I remember trying to just obey as best as I could, as best as I knew how. I was trying, but instead of getting blessings, what the church was teaching, I was getting abused.
00:06:32
Speaker
So I was so angry. I just blamed God for what had happened to me. So what I ended up doing at the age of 13 is that I fell into extreme licentiousness. I mean, I went from super legalistic to like, screw this, I'm gonna go live a double life. I'm gonna still go to church. I'm still gonna try to play things off.
00:06:51
Speaker
But I am going to, like when people are looking, I'm going to manipulate. I'm going to feed the lust of my desires. But a lot of that came from just being angry. I wanted to get back at God.
00:07:05
Speaker
I was like, so I knew what God wanted and what God said in his scriptures, but because I felt like he didn't protect me, I was just like, screw this, I'm just gonna do whatever the heck I want. So I started to follow, walk into a lot of sexual morality, right? And we'll go through in details at some point what all that kind of looked like. But I just remember thinking, this is my way to go against God. Fast forward at the age of 16,
00:07:33
Speaker
I just kind of hit
Rock Bottom & Crisis
00:07:33
Speaker
rock bottom. I mean, I was doing all of the the stuff that I knew would go against God's word. And I did it on purpose because I just hated him so much. And I remember around this age, I had slept with someone, I got an STD, and then I just felt so sick. And I was just like, I can't live this life. Like all the anger in my heart was starting to eat me alive. And all the sin that now I was committing,
00:07:59
Speaker
I felt the guilt, I felt the shame and it was this perpetual cycle that I was in of the shame that I felt from the sin committed to me and now I feel the guilt and shame from the sin that I've committed. Because I was blaming everything on God and blaming it on the person that had done it to me and I was just in this crazy cycle.
00:08:20
Speaker
and I just didn't know what to do. And I started getting to a place where I wanted to end my life. I was like, if this is what life is supposed to be like, I'm done. So at the age of 16, I remember thinking to myself, hey, I'm going, um that's it, I'm done. And I was going to end my life. I remember reaching out to a counselor and sharing my struggles with this counselor.
00:08:45
Speaker
And the counselor did not do a good job at all. And I'll go into that in a different episode because that's a story within itself, but did not do a good job. And I remember walking out of his counseling office and said, if this is what the church has to offer, I'm done.
00:09:05
Speaker
Like, this is supposed to be the professional, or the the counselor, and did not give me any good advice. In fact, he made me even more angry. I just remember thinking like, I freaking hate the church, I hate God, and I'm just done. So that day, I decided to go end my life.
00:09:21
Speaker
And I went home and I was going to I Normally slept with a knife under my bed Why I don't I don't know why that you know, like sometimes I think about that now as a old person I'm like what a or not? I'm not that old right? But like I remember thinking why would I sleep with a knife? Like what was I gonna do with this thing, right? But I just remember thinking it was like around three or four o'clock in the morning and just took the knife and said God I hate you Hate my life. I hate everything that's happened and I just don't understand why you would allow this As a young kid, I was just trying to serve you I was just trying to do what my mom told me I was just trying to obey I was just trying to do all these things and I was starting to just like vent at God But I felt just completely alone And I remember thinking to myself Well, who am I even talking to God may not even be real
00:10:18
Speaker
And I was just crying out of my frustration.
Spiritual Awakening
00:10:21
Speaker
And around four o'clock in the morning, I remember taking the knife, opening it up, putting it to my throat, and getting ready to end my life.
00:10:31
Speaker
And it was at this moment that I, when I talk about this, it was probably one of the most miraculous, one of the most miraculous things that have ever happened to me. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know exactly what all it transpired, right? Some people might be like, oh, there was just some psychological trauma that you might've gone through, but it was one of the most intense moments where I feel like God has intervened into my life. Because when I literally was going to come just end my life,
00:10:59
Speaker
I felt like God audibly spoke to me in my room. And this is what I heard. I heard this, have I not commanded you, be strong and courageous, do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
00:11:18
Speaker
And when I heard this, it shook me to my core. One, because if some of you know this verse and if you've been around Christianity long enough, it's Joshua 1.9. At that time, I don't remember ever memorizing this passage. I don't remember anyone talking about this passage, but I felt like God had audibly spoke into my room and quoted this verse. And the moment that I heard this, I started bawling and I started just shattering.
00:11:48
Speaker
Because it was this moment when I realized is that what I needed in my life wasn't an answer to the problems and the suffering that I have been through. I needed a person to be with me. And that person was Jesus Christ.
00:12:07
Speaker
And years later now, as I've helped people overcome addiction, I've realized that a lot of past trauma is one of the biggest factors for overcoming addiction. And so I share my story to let you know that I know how it feels to be completely alone in this battle, where you feel like no one would understand.
Healing & Community Support
00:12:27
Speaker
Because that's how I felt. I felt like no one could understand the pain that I went through, the sin that I've committed, the shame that I was under, and that I was always going to be feeling this, no matter how hard I tried.
00:12:40
Speaker
But God had a different story. You see, God started to show me that the reason that I was going through all all this pain is that I was trying to find an answer to my pain, but I wanted a person. I wanted someone to hear me, to know me, to see me for what I was going through.
00:13:00
Speaker
And this is what I started to realize is that God actually deeply cared for me. And if you're listening to this, I want you to know that God deeply cares for you in your pain. Because if there's one thing I know about shame that sin has been committed, when you feel isolated, when you feel completely abandoned by the world, you want someone to just look at you in the eye and say, I see you, I hear you, and I know you.
00:13:31
Speaker
And that's what God did to me in my room when he quoted Joshua 1.9. He's like, do not be dismayed. Do not be discouraged. The Lord your God is with you wherever you go. And it was in that moment that I mean, I was bawling. I had like the snot kind of dripping down my nose and it was it just horrific. But I was just like, God,
00:13:51
Speaker
Why did it take you this long? Why did it take you 16 years of me being in anguish and in pain to finally answer me?
00:14:01
Speaker
And you know what, it was one of those miraculous moments where I started to realize like, man, God was probably trying to speak to me, but because of my anger and my pain, I was just pushing him away. I did not want to hear it him. And the part leap too, because of the way the church, uh, you know, treated me and not the whole church specifically this counselor, I just kind of brushed it off and I, and I blame the church for one person's actions.
00:14:28
Speaker
So what I had to realize, and as I've counseled a lot of guys through this now, is that if you're feeling abandoned by God today, or alone in your struggle, are just some quick tips. And and I want to be careful when I use quick tips like this is going to solve this. This actually was a a a few years of a process of me walking through it.
00:14:46
Speaker
because at the age of 16, it's not like I gave my life to the Lord. Even though it felt like a miracle happened in my room, I didn't. I literally told God, I was like, God, if you're real and you actually are intervening in my life, we're gonna take this slow and we're gonna actually, let's ask all the hard questions and I need you to show me that you are with me on a day-to-day basis. I'm not just gonna believe this because of this one moment. And it took me a few years later to like finally get to a place where i I've surrendered my heart and I gave my life to the Lord.
00:15:15
Speaker
But if you are in that situation today, where you're just like, man, my shame is coming from the people
Encouragement & Future Topics
00:15:23
Speaker
who hurt me. My shame is coming from, and again, it doesn't have to be as egregious as what had happened to me. What I want to share with some of you is that whenever you have sin committed to you, I don't want you to minimize that.
00:15:35
Speaker
I don't want you to compare it to like, oh, well it's not like Ken's, or it might be even worse than Ken's, or it's like, no, no, no, you're suffering, you're pain, you're sin, you're shame, right? That happened to you. And if it's affecting you, and affecting your relationship with God, affecting your ability to overcome certain sins that you have in your life, right? Those things are important that we deal with, right? So let's not minimize your suffering.
00:16:01
Speaker
So if you're there, I want to just give you some tips that have helped me in this season. And as I give you these tips, remember that it might take a while to process this. Number one, acknowledge your loneliness.
00:16:17
Speaker
I think what happened to me was that I just was not acknowledging the fact that I was how lonely and how much I felt abandoned and despair. And we try to hide it, right? If you know anything about me or in hopefully you'll get to know me a little bit more, I am a very joyful, very, like I'm optimistic. I like to joke around a lot. I'm an extrovert, right? So like I could get in front of a group of people and I could look like I got everything under control and I'm happy go lucky.
00:16:44
Speaker
But you know what? I was doing that for years. I was just hiding who I was. And sometimes we just try to hide what's really going on in our lives. So what I want you to do is just acknowledge your loneliness. Acknowledge where you're at that you're like, man, God, I actually need you in this moment in life.
00:17:05
Speaker
So that's the first thing that you want to do. And it might take a process, right? It might take a while for you to get there. But when you do, you lead to the second part where I want you to be completely raw with God and let him show you that he's there.
00:17:22
Speaker
You see, I think that for me, at least, when I was 16, and that situation that happened in my room, it was one of the first times that I was just raw with God, that I let all my emotions out with Him. Every single thing, every cuss word that came through my mind, I just unleashed it.
00:17:43
Speaker
Right. Because when I was younger, I, I was scared. I was like, if I told God exactly how I felt, I'm going to go to hell. If I cuss that God, I'm going to go to hell. Like it was, I was so scared. So I just, and I had this really high view of God that I'm like, he's, he's Lord. I'm the servant. I just say, sir. Yes, sir. Right. I don't talk back. That's kind of how I grew up ah my relationship with God that I just didn't know how to just be wrong with him.
00:18:10
Speaker
And this is when I started to just unload everything. It felt like the weight started to come off my shoulders as I started to share that with him. And and in case for some of you feel like, oh man, I don't know if I'm allowed to do that, I can't do that. Let me give you two passages. Psalms 40, I believe it's verse three where he says like, I give my complaints to God, right? Like where he's like, he's frustrated. King David is frustrated, he's angry, he's mad. He just gave his frustrations to God.
00:18:38
Speaker
The second one, which I want to read, is Psalms 22, one through two. And he says this, and this will be very familiar if you've been in in church for a while. But King David, he's saying this, it's a Psalm, he says, my God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Or some passages you've heard, why have you forsaken me?
00:18:57
Speaker
Why are you so far from my deliverance and from my words of groaning? My God, I cry by day, but you do not answer. By night, yet I have no rest." Man, do you hear like King David is just like, this is how I am. This is what's going on. This is like, what the heck, God? What have you done? Why is this happening? And do you know who quotes that? Jesus.
00:19:25
Speaker
Jesus quotes that at the cross. And if you think about Jesus, he never did anything wrong. he didn't sin, he didn't do anything. And Jesus too was abused and mistreated. And he understands your pain better than anybody. And Jesus at the cross, he said, my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
00:19:51
Speaker
You see how raw he was? That he was just like, Lord, I need you, Father. i i In this moment, in my deepest pain, I need you. And he just went all out. And we know the story and of how Jesus, right? He dies, he rises again, and he's completely in union with God the Father.
00:20:11
Speaker
Right? But for us, we are right now in this gap. And for you, you may be feeling that pain even as I'm talking about it. And you are just wondering, God, where are you? I have been praying for years for the sin to go away. I'm trying to serve you. I'm trying to be a good dad. I'm trying to be a good husband. I'm trying to be a good son. I'm trying to be a good man of God. And I just can't seem to get rid of this sin. And I just can't seem to get away from my past.
00:20:42
Speaker
And perhaps it's because you just haven't been completely raw with God and just letting him show you that he's there. Or he says, do not be dismayed, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. And at the last point that I will share,
00:21:01
Speaker
is that I want you to find a trusted friend, a pastor, or a good counselor to be with you. While I have had bad counsel ah before, I've also had really good counsel. And I want you to be at a place where like you find someone that you can share your story and your pain. And again, it doesn't have to be as egregious as mine. You might not have had the same emotions that I have felt,
00:21:28
Speaker
But if you're feeling lonely out there, if you're feeling like you're stuck in your sin and you just don't know how to overcome it, and you're just like, I don't know who to talk to, reach out to someone.
00:21:39
Speaker
And if you don't know who I reach out to, man, reach out to me. Like reach, follow me on social media or send me a DM, right? If you're one of my friends who you have my contact number, like please reach out. I know how it feels to just feel all alone. And like you are carrying the weight on your shoulders.
00:22:00
Speaker
And like it says in Galatian 6, I wanna help you carry your burdens. So if that's you, if you are in that place, I'd be more than happy to reach out to me on social media. My personal um profiles, like if it's on Instagram or Facebook, it's Ken Freire. If you wanna follow the podcast episode, it's shameless, underscore pod. And you can find me on all major social media outlets. But please, don't listen to this and just walk away.
00:22:26
Speaker
Okay, I want you to know that God is with you, that God is there for you. Sometimes you just need a trusted friend or counselor or pastor that can actually walk you through that. All right, I hope this is helpful. Again, you may be in a place where this is gonna draw up a lot of emotions. It's gonna be kind of hard for you to process. But I want you to know that there is hope on the other side.
00:22:52
Speaker
I for the last 15 years have helped a lot of guys overcome this pain, the suffering that they've gone through and it's been a blessing. It's hard, but it's worth it. Okay. Now with that being said, there's so much more that we could talk about and you might be actually nervous. You might be like, I know I need to find a counselor. I know I need to find someone who I can trust. All right. Well, in our next episode, I will be talking about bad counselors versus good counselors and actually how to find a good counselor.
00:23:19
Speaker
Because I want to equip you with the knowledge and the the the proper questions to ask people when you're trying to find a good counselor. This is something that I've helped a lot of people with and and I do it even now when I'm trying to look for a counselor because sometimes they may have all the correct credentials, they may sound good, but there's certain characteristics that you need to be looking for for a good counselor, especially if you've gone through a lot of trauma yourself.
00:23:47
Speaker
Until next time, I want you guys to continue to keep killing shame, stand strong, and be on mission. Hope you have a great day and God bless.