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Turning Past Regrets into a God-Given Mission
130 Plays1 year ago
In this powerful episode of the Shame(less) Podcast, host Ken Freire sits down with Dustin Alley, the founder of Men After God, to discuss turning past regrets into a God-given mission.
Dustin shares his raw and unfiltered testimony, from his wild teenage years influenced by the Jackass-era subculture to his struggles with addiction, pornography, and dysfunctional relationships.
But his story doesn't end in shame—God transformed his life, leading him into a redemptive journey of ministry and marriage restoration. If you’re a man struggling with regret, addiction, or the weight of past mistakes, this episode will show you that God’s grace is bigger than your failures.
Topics Covered:
✔️ Overcoming addiction, lust, and the past that tries to define us
✔️ The dangers of "functional dysfunction" and how we normalize sin
✔️ How porn rewires your brain and distorts intimacy in marriage
✔️ What real repentance looks like: Godly sorrow vs. worldly sorrow (2 Cor. 7:10)
✔️ The importance of discipleship, accountability, and mentorship
✔️ Practical steps for men to break free and lead their families well
✔️ Why self-forgiveness is often harder than accepting God’s forgiveness
✔️ How to rebuild emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy in marriage
✔️ The birth of Men After God and why every man needs a mission
Key Quote from Dustin Alley:
“If I choose to hold past sin over my head, I’m putting myself in the place of God and doing something He doesn’t even do with me. If I have confessed and repented, I am forgiven—so I need to live in the light of that forgiveness.”
Resources Mentioned:
🔗 Men After God: https://menaftergod.net
📖 Dustin's Book - Becoming a Man After God: Available on Amazon
👥 Join the Men After God Facebook Community: facebook.com/groups/menaftergod
📖 Recommended Reading: Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges, The Mortification of Sin by John Owen
Practical Action Steps for Men:
✔️ Own Your Mistakes – Sit down with your wife and confess where you’ve fallen short. True leadership starts with humility.
✔️ Pick One Area to Improve – Don’t get overwhelmed. Choose one practical way to strengthen emotional, spiritual, or physical intimacy.
✔️ Surround Yourself with Godly Men – Accountability is key. Join a brotherhood that will call you higher.
✔️ Stop Managing Sin—Kill It! – Repentance isn’t about behavior management; it’s about putting sin to death through daily submission to Christ.
✔️ Lead Your Family with Intentionality – Whether it’s praying together, doing devotionals, or scheduling date nights, start leading with purpose today.
Connect with Dustin Alley:
📘 Facebook: facebook.com/TheMenAfterGod
🎙️ Podcast: The Men After God Podcast (Available on Spotify & Apple Podcasts)
🌎 Website: https://menaftergod.net
Recommended
Transcript
Intro
Introduction: Dustin Alley and the Topic of Regret
00:00:30
Ken Freire
Welcome back everyone to another great episode. Today I have with us Dustin Alley, the founder of Men After God. And today's topic is about turning past regrets into a God-given mission. But before we jump into that, Dustin, you need to tell us something.
Rebellious Youth and Departure from Faith
00:00:48
Ken Freire
What was your claim to fame before coming to Christ?
00:00:53
Dustin Alley
Oh, man. Okay, so, you know, I've got that interesting story where I came to Christ as a child, and then really kind of started to follow the Lord in my late 20s. But man, during high school, I did a lot of stuff, a lot of dumb stuff. I grew up in the Johnny Knoxville, Ben Marjara and Steve O era. And man, we did some really dumb things, skateboarding and partying and all this. But one of the funniest things I like to share with people, ah ah because I'm really a trophy of God's grace, so was at a party one night,
00:01:19
Dustin Alley
And we are doing what teenagers do at parties. There was alcohol and drugs around and things. And I wasn't really into the hard stuff. But this night, I've got some guys. We're in a car out in the field because that's how we partied in Northeast Tennessee. And he's out in the field. He's in the car. And he's got what appears to be a bowl in his hands. And I knock on the door because i i I wanted to take a hit of it. I start taking a hit of it. And the next thing I know, he looks up at me and says, hey, I didn't know you smoked crack.
00:01:47
Dustin Alley
And I said, me either. And I gave it back to him. And so, you know, that's, I get claimed to fame. I don't know, but that's, that's my, like where I was whenever I was away from the Lord. I was in that environment doing those sorts of things where that could have become a regular part of my life. And so that is not, not where I recommend anybody to be, but by God's grace, he like brought me out of this.
00:02:15
Ken Freire
Dude, I remember when you shared that story with me, we were dying because you were just like, I mean, we were deep into your story and you just randomly threw that in there, but it's just so crazy how God randomly just awakens our hearts to greater things, right?
00:02:18
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:02:25
Dustin Alley
Oh, absolutely.
00:02:28
Ken Freire
Because if it wasn't for him, you're like, I was accidentally smoking crack. What ifs? And you could have just kept doing it.
00:02:33
Dustin Alley
Yeah, it could have absolutely because I've got friends that after I left for the Marine Corps, they were 100% in and out of jail drugs.
00:02:41
Dustin Alley
I mean, very so I have a buddy who had a motorcycle accident. where where I don't know if he was under the influence or not. I wouldn't surprise me if he was but he either almost lost his leg or lost his leg.
00:02:51
Dustin Alley
I haven't seen him in years.
00:02:52
Ken Freire
Men.
00:02:53
Dustin Alley
I just heard this through the grapevine, if you will. But check fraud, ah drug charges, just you name it that these were the people that were in my wedding party. And that's where we were. And it was. it We didn't know how bad it was until now looking back and seeing what God really brought us out of.
Normalization of Dysfunction and Family Background
00:03:11
Ken Freire
You know, man, it's interesting how you say that, right? Because when you're in it, you don't realize how bad it is. Like you kind of know like, Hey, I should probably stop doing this.
00:03:19
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:03:19
Ken Freire
But then once you're removed completely, like you're like, Oh my gosh, if it wasn't for the grace of God, I would be dead or completely in shambles or in ruined.
00:03:23
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:03:28
Dustin Alley
Absolutely. you There's a phrase for it. I'm trying to recall it right now, but it's functional dysfunction. We get so accustomed to living in the dysfunctional lifestyle that it just becomes normal to us.
00:03:34
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:03:39
Dustin Alley
And so growing up in the type of home we've been in where it could have been traumatic or being around that type of environment where drug and alcohol abuse were running rampant along with everything that comes with it, it's just functional dysfunction. It isn't until you truly are able to separate and get, you know, a God sized view of it all to go, oh, wow, that that's not how things should be going.
00:04:00
Ken Freire
Yeah. Okay. So we're talking a lot about the dysfunction, right? Walk us through a little bit of your dysfunction and just really before coming to Christ and really and surrendering your story that led to you struggling with addiction, struggling with lust and and marriage.
00:04:14
Dustin Alley
Yeah, sure. Absolutely, man. So okay, I grew up what I affectionately call Backwoods Baptist. And these are people that love Jesus, they followed him as best as they could. It was just, was it wasn't for me, if you will. And about my parents got divorced between first and second grade, my dad was a drug addict and attack alcoholic. And, you know, my claim to fame there, if you all like, I've watched him scrape morphine off of a patch so that he could get the high from it.
00:04:39
Dustin Alley
A number of things there in my book, first chapter from history to his story.
00:04:40
Ken Freire
Wow.
00:04:44
Dustin Alley
I talk about where my dad one night the under the influence of something and ended up with a revolver. I was on the business center revolver and my dad was on the other side.
00:04:54
Dustin Alley
It was just a rough night. So was kind of my upbringing up until the teen years and whenever I was able to get a car and get a job, get away, get out.
Struggles with Addiction and Early Marriage Issues
00:05:01
Dustin Alley
And that was where I ran into that skateboarding subculture, if you will, drugs, alcohol, women, and had a lot of fun. At least that's what I called it at the time. And I dismissed God at 13 years old because of evolution. I wasn't getting the answers. church was telling me the Bible says that we believe it. That's it. and I'm like, well, sorry.
00:05:22
Dustin Alley
you're a professed country bumpkin and that guy's got a PhD so I'm gonna go follow him and I really looked towards academia at that point and it wasn't until I was in oh yeah my wife okay so we got married junior year of high school ah ah and you mentioned addiction in fifth grade I discovered scrambled channel 99 on our bunny years back in the country in northeast Tennessee And then seventh grade, I got a computer in my room with no filters, no monitoring, nothing.
00:05:55
Ken Freire
Gosh, I'm sure you were just reading Bible stories the whole time.
00:05:58
Dustin Alley
absolutely praying and fasting brother that was it and uh but yeah it was it was a bad idea parents if you're listening don't do this uh my parents were computer illiterate for the most part and i was in seventh grade learning it all and learning everything i could possibly do and if you if you think of it i did it i found it i looked at it i downloaded it
00:06:08
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:06:18
Dustin Alley
uh and it didn't help that when kazaa and pirate bay and limewire and all that stuff came out it just became even more easily accessible accessible and we're speaking specifically just pornography uh and that that really impacted me for a number of years and again as we said like looking back i didn't see the impact but i do now and so I met my wife junior year of high school.
00:06:38
Dustin Alley
We dated for two years, got married December of 2006. We just celebrated 18 years. And those first few years of our marriage, we call them 13th
00:06:48
Dustin Alley
was like high school with money and able to buy alcohol.
00:06:50
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:06:52
Dustin Alley
had a bunch of friends, we had a bunch of parties, and we were. And then our relationship suffered because I had this porn addiction, had this idea of what intimacy was, and it was obviously completely and utterly skewed. Because nobody had ever talked to me about that type of stuff. The closest I ever got to a talk was my mom looked over at me one day when I was skipping school, which again, just a whole bunch of stories within a story here, and said to me, hey,
00:07:20
Dustin Alley
When you're, uh, you know, you got, like I got it, mom protection. We're good, solid. And that was my talk. Like that was, that was what I got.
00:07:29
Dustin Alley
And so pretty much that was it.
00:07:30
Ken Freire
there
00:07:32
Dustin Alley
That was all ah ah we're done. And so by that point I was already active and just was what it was, but no, it, it prevented me from being able to,
00:07:43
Dustin Alley
truly appreciate my wife and love her the way that a husband should. I tell her I don't think I learned to be a husband until we were married for five to seven years so because I was just So young and dumb, but by God's grace, getting a part of an amazing church out in Yuma, Arizona.
00:07:59
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:08:02
Dustin Alley
I had some great mentors and just really grew in the Lord and can still grow into this day. I went decent at being a husband. Now I'm trying to figure out how to be a dad. And and that's a whole other story in and of itself.
00:08:14
Ken Freire
So walk us through, you know, guys were married early, really early.
00:08:18
Dustin Alley
Yeah, I was 19, she was 18.
00:08:18
Ken Freire
There was a lot of issues. So, and then you were addicted to pornography and a bunch of other dumb stuff that you were doing, right? How did that affect her? Like, what did that look like?
00:08:29
Ken Freire
Because you were treating her a certain way. I'm just curious, how did that affect her?
00:08:32
Dustin Alley
Yeah, you know we've we've talked about this some and I don't know again at the time if she would have said that's that's what was impacting her. I think it because of how it impacted my ability to truly love and know her.
00:08:52
Dustin Alley
I think, again, it was just, we were so young and we both had terrible upbringings, no idea of a marriage should be like. So when we talk now, there's still some conversations we have where I have to remind her of like, hey, it's been, gosh.
00:09:08
Dustin Alley
13, 14, 15 years now, since I've viewed pornography.
00:09:14
Ken Freire
Yeah, which praise God, by the way.
00:09:15
Dustin Alley
And, you know, so I think, yeah, amen. And it's been, and it was it was really um by again, by the grace of God, it was it wasn't you mentioned addiction, like, it was something that I would tell you I watched and took part in.
00:09:29
Dustin Alley
I don't know if I'd said it was addicted, because I was able to just kind of cut it off again, by the grace of God. But, But yeah, so how did it impacted her? I think we're still discovering that and we've been married 18 years. And it's as we have some conversations and look back on and talk about and I don't, you know, she's never been one to throw it up in my face or or anything of that nature. And we just have respectful conversations as we're continuing to grow in our marriage. And if it comes up, I have to own it. Like it is something I did. It is something that impacted her. And so I do, I just think it really inhibited the ability for us to connect early on.
00:10:07
Dustin Alley
and enjoy a marriage for what it what it is versus, you know, roommates. That would have been a great way to describe us for the first four or five years as roommates.
00:10:18
Ken Freire
Okay, so you were roommates doing dumb stuff and she had her own issues, right?
00:10:24
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:10:25
Ken Freire
What was the turning point?
Deployment to Afghanistan: A Turning Point
00:10:26
Ken Freire
Like you mentioned you started going to a Bible server, like what changed that you started to say, man, I need God and we need to turn this ship around because it's not going anywhere good.
00:10:28
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:10:36
Dustin Alley
Yeah, let's see if I can shorten this I went to Afghanistan 2012 and a staff sergeant that I was turning over with started talking to me about the Lord and I was doing everything I could to push back against him and During my seven and a half months there after he left I was in a tower for 12 hours alone at night I had computer access because we needed it for what we did and I was able to watch movies and do different things of nature and And through that time, realized I had dismissed Christianity without really checking it out for myself.
00:11:08
Ken Freire
Hmm.
00:11:08
Dustin Alley
I came back from that deployment. We started going to church. I went to a men's Bible study that first Monday night after we went to church. My wife was shocked and kind of so was I. But God used that and some men there to really just pour into me, love me show me that Christianity was so much more than what I had diminished it to of a small country church in Northeast Tennessee.
00:11:31
Dustin Alley
excuse me From there, I don't know if there was this light bulb moment as much as it was slow sanctification. The pornography use ended pretty abruptly coming back from the deployment. And then i would I would drink and stuff then. And you again, that's a discussion for another day. But I haven't had a drink, I think, since early 2013.
00:11:58
Dustin Alley
Yeah, I yeah, she brought me I remember it. She brought me Jack Daniels, Tennessee whiskey or Tennessee honey. honey whiskey is new and came out and she brought me a drink of it. I remember that and I hadn't had a drink
Path to Ministry and Gradual Spiritual Growth
00:12:07
Dustin Alley
from then until you know, many years later. And so it was it was just a slow sanctification, I guess of God convicted me and working and and then but that was in 2012, early 2013 stopped that but At the fall of 2013, I surrendered to ministry. That was October. December, I preached my first message. I denied orders. 2015, I came on staff at a church. 2019, I was a lead pastor at a church. So again, it was a slow process there in the beginning, but within
00:12:40
Dustin Alley
within six months of coming back to the Lord and being discipled. I was free and clear of all pornography. And, you know, I hadn't done drugs in years because I was in the Marine Corps and we always got tested and stuff for that. And then alcohol as well. And so, yeah, there wasn't a, like, you know, snap my fingers, I'm done. It was just God working through men, investing in me and me hearing his word and understanding it more.
00:13:05
Ken Freire
You know, Dustin, what I love about that story is, you know, sometimes we feel like it has to be instantaneously, right? Or that all of a sudden, why am I still struggling with X, Y, or Z? Or my favorite is actually when a new person comes to Christ.
00:13:22
Ken Freire
And sometimes Christians, like, think that they're supposed to... That new person is supposed to be perfect. They're like, why are they still struggling with this?
00:13:27
Ken Freire
Why are they doing this? Right? Like, you see this when celebrities, like, start to come to Christ, they're like, well, this person doesn't believe X, Y, or Z. It's like, man, it takes years sometimes for you to get sanctified.
00:13:31
Dustin Alley
Oh,
00:13:40
Ken Freire
Right? And it's like this slow process and you had those people around you.
00:13:44
Dustin Alley
I did and you know you mentioned celebrities I think a Kat Von D is the first one that comes to mind when she professed faith in Christianity and then you saw people coming after her because of her tattoos and things like yeah yeah yeah that was who she was and then she starts to them covered up in things and still there's a sect of Christianity that is just being vile and
00:13:44
Ken Freire
Right?
00:14:01
Dustin Alley
and hateful and then that stuff doesn't have any place in Christianity in the gospel. That is not what the truth of the Bible speaks of. Send me your, you know, what I don't, it's a quote from, it's not from the Bible. I mean, give me the broken, give me the tatted, give me the drug addicts, give me the strippers, give me the porn stars. Let's get those people in church. Let's get them the gospel. In fact, let's not get them in church. Let's go to them and share the gospel with them because they're the ones that Jesus came to save, not the righteous. He came to save the unrighteous.
00:14:27
Dustin Alley
And when someone comes and they're all tatted up and things like that, praise God for them, man. Again, by the grace of God, I don't have you various tattoos all over me that say really, really bad things I was in the Marine Corps and that was a ah ah common thing. And that's something and I think is very important for us to remember. Whether we are the ones like me that was a prodigal and went away from the Lord and lived a life and came back,
00:14:50
Dustin Alley
or were someone who grew up in church, grew up in the faith, and stayed faithful to Christ the whole time. We're all, by the way, we are all one foot on a banana pill away from falling into sin.
00:15:03
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:15:03
Dustin Alley
And it's my God's grace and his grace alone that we're not now, of course, I do believe in free will and the choices that we make, but ah ah it is wrong for us to everything that because of how someone looks something they've done, they are worse than what they then we are, or we're better than them in some way.
00:15:17
Dustin Alley
And so sorry, that's my soapbox.
00:15:18
Ken Freire
Yeah. No, no. I'm 100% with you, man, because I think about, you know, going back to that story of the prodigal son, right? You feel like you're the prodigal son, but then the older brother, right? He's mad.
00:15:28
Dustin Alley
Yep.
00:15:28
Ken Freire
And if you ever read Tim Keller, he talks about God being the prodigal God, but he talks about the two brothers, right? The prodigal son and then the older brother who's like the self-righteous individual. Right?
00:15:39
Ken Freire
Who feels like he's got everything under... Like, that under control. He deserves all these things. Like, why didn't you throw a party for me? And he's like the father in the story. He's like, you could have had any of this stuff.
00:15:51
Ken Freire
But your your brother's back. Like, he was lost, but now he's found.
00:15:54
Dustin Alley
Yep.
00:15:55
Ken Freire
Right? And I find that in our Christian circle sometimes, a lot of us are like the older brother.
00:16:02
Dustin Alley
Oh man. Come on now. That'll preach.
00:16:03
Ken Freire
Right? And as the older brother, Jerry Bridges wrote this book called Respectable Sins. look at all these new Christians, all these new people, and we're like, oh, you still struggle with that?
00:16:13
Ken Freire
But you don't look inside your eyes or your heart and look at all these other things that you have, like gluttony or pride or lust.
00:16:19
Dustin Alley
Oh man.
00:16:21
Ken Freire
Our stuff comes out in different ways.
00:16:24
Ken Freire
Right?
00:16:24
Dustin Alley
Oh, yeah.
00:16:24
Dustin Alley
Well, what happens good we learn to hide it. We learn to put our suit and tie on and go to church on Sunday, right?
00:16:26
Ken Freire
Oh, yeah.
00:16:29
Dustin Alley
And our sins become sins of the heart rather than the outward sins. Because we understand lust, lust is adultery. That's what Jesus said. If a man looks upon a woman with lust in his heart, he is committed adultery.
00:16:41
Dustin Alley
And we we don't think that way. We think, oh, well, he didn't sleep with her. Okay, yeah, but did you think about it? Because then Jesus says that that's the same.
00:16:46
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:16:48
Dustin Alley
You know, one thing, you know a pornography did was you know, objectify women in my mind for a number of years. And I had to overcome that and had to be very intentional about it. And I teach it to young men whenever I'm talking about lust. And I teach it this way. I basically tell them it's like when you're driving down the road and you see a Corvette. If you see a Corvette, it's not nothing wrong with looking at a Corvette saying that's a beautiful car. We can admire the creation we can look at it and say that's a beautiful car. The question is, are you are you doing the double take?
00:17:19
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:17:19
Dustin Alley
Are you turning your head as the car goes around? and you say, Oh, man, I'd really like to have that.
00:17:24
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:17:24
Dustin Alley
See that there's where the sin the lust comes in. And we have to recognize that and intentionally keep our eyes straightforward, our ears and and everything protected from these. What some may call what was the word you used?
00:17:36
Dustin Alley
You just said it the name of the book, justifiable sins, respectable sins, right?
00:17:38
Ken Freire
Respectable, respectable sins, yeah.
00:17:41
Dustin Alley
respectable sins, because if we're wearing sunglasses, well, nobody really sees our eyes. So it doesn't hurt anyone. And now it's in your heart. And it'll come out.
00:17:49
Ken Freire
Yeah. And you know what I have found? Me personally in this struggle, right? I have been free from from pornography and masturbating for like over 15 years. Praise God for that, right?
00:17:58
Dustin Alley
Mm hmm.
00:17:59
Ken Freire
But lust is something that we have to kill daily.
00:18:01
Dustin Alley
Oh, yeah.
00:18:02
Ken Freire
And, you know, going to your analogy on the double take, sometimes a double take may not be instantaneously, but when I lay down in bed, as do I start thinking about that person?
00:18:08
Dustin Alley
Nope. Oh, there you go.
00:18:11
Ken Freire
Right?
00:18:12
Dustin Alley
Mm hmm.
00:18:12
Ken Freire
And it's like, oh, lord.
00:18:12
Dustin Alley
Mm hmm.
00:18:13
Ken Freire
Like, I did not realize that I was still holding that, and I actually didn't put it to death in that moment.
00:18:18
Dustin Alley
Yeah, ah that's good.
00:18:25
Dustin Alley
I like that. And to kill our sin, I would you say anyone who's listening that deals with that, you've got to first label and identify it. You can't confess something if you don't identify what it is.
00:18:32
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:18:34
Dustin Alley
And that's another thing with some of the generalized confession we have. Can we go to God that God forgive me of my sins? And I'm wondering if he ever sits back and goes, OK, sure. Which ones? Because there's a list, man. And I just want to know, like, what are we are we on the same page here? And so we have to identify what it is and call it out for what it is. That's why it's good to have other men around us to be able to call us out and have that iron sharpens iron relationships. No, no, no. That's lust. That's adultery. That's sinful. Confess it now. Repent and tell me how I can hold you accountable and help you through it.
00:19:05
Dustin Alley
But I think that's so important. Managing sin versus killing sin. There's a message there somewhere.
00:19:09
Ken Freire
Yeah, I think, I mean, John Owen, he's an old Puritan, talks about that, killing sin, or mortification of the flesh, mortification of sin is the way he talks about it. But as we think about your life, Dustin, right? Fast forward now, you become a pastor, a lead pastor, you got your own thing going on now. What were some past regrets that you had that you were just like,
00:19:34
Ken Freire
Man, I wish if I could wave a magic wand, I wouldn't have done these things.
Reflections on Personal Regrets and Transformation
00:19:40
Dustin Alley
in those positions that you're talking about as a pastor, lead pastor and things, or just overall.
00:19:44
Ken Freire
Or just overall.
00:19:46
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:19:49
Dustin Alley
You know, one of the greatest regrets I have is in regards to something I've already alluded to of just just not loving my wife the way she should have been loved. Our marriage was very rocky those first few years, especially if we were drinking.
00:20:00
Ken Freire
Hmm.
00:20:03
Dustin Alley
You know, I specifically have a memory of one night I had drink tequila. And after this night, I didn't touch it anymore. But we got into a pretty good altercation.
00:20:13
Dustin Alley
And fortunately it wasn't anything too crazy. She said something that set me off and it just wasn't good night. And I look back on that time and just think of how wasted it was when we could have been growing as a couple. We could have been pursuing Jesus together.
00:20:30
Dustin Alley
And you know, it's a regret. But one thing can I'm very careful about is I try not to live with regret. And what I mean by that, it's not that I don't have things in my life that I have regretted. But if I live with the regret of it, then I allow it to continue beating me up.
00:20:44
Dustin Alley
And when Jesus, and God says in His Word, if we confess our sins, He's faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If I believe that, if I truly believe that, then if I choose to hold sin, past sin over my head, I'm putting myself in the place of God and doing something He doesn't even do with me.
00:21:04
Dustin Alley
If I have confessed or repented, I am forgiven.
00:21:04
Ken Freire
Hmm.
00:21:07
Dustin Alley
And I have to live in the light of that forgiveness, rather than in the light of that sin and whatever it might be. And so yeah, that that's my one of my biggest regrets of those early years and coming out of that is, is just not loving my wife the way I should have because it again, it led to a tumultuous five to seven years.
00:21:24
Ken Freire
Yeah. Man, Dustin, what you just said right there, though, is huge. Like, for those people who are listening to this, need to hear that again. Like, rewind 30 seconds back.
00:21:33
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:21:35
Ken Freire
Because it's so interesting how much we put this weight of our sin on us when the Lord's like, I've taken that on the cross.
00:21:40
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:21:42
Ken Freire
You don't need to hold it against yourself anymore. And we actually act as judge, not him.
00:21:47
Dustin Alley
Yep.
00:21:49
Ken Freire
I cannot tell you how I did that for years.
00:21:52
Ken Freire
I was just like, Lord, forgive me. And and I came from a theological background that was like, hey, if you don't fall repent right now, you're going to go to hell in the next 30
00:22:01
Ken Freire
was just crazy how I felt I was afraid. And I was like, I'm too shameful.
00:22:05
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:22:06
Ken Freire
I'm unworthy. I'm not good enough for God's grace. And I was just going to say, I just remember thinking back, like God had to wreck me of that.
00:22:10
Dustin Alley
and Yeah.
00:22:16
Ken Freire
because it was so damaging to the freedom that he wanted to give me. And he's like, I have to just believe that he's forgiven me and he sees me differently.
00:22:22
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:22:27
Ken Freire
He doesn't even see my sin. He's like, you're my child, you're my son. Get up.
00:22:30
Ken Freire
I put a robe on you.
00:22:32
Ken Freire
Right? Like...
00:22:32
Dustin Alley
That's it.
00:22:33
Dustin Alley
He's dapping you up like, we're good, man. Just do go do your thing. Quit holding this. Just go. You mentioned it there of accepting his forgiveness. That's the easy thing.
00:22:42
Dustin Alley
And I think that's what people are easy. Like, oh, yeah, I know God's forgiven me. But do we forgive ourselves? And that's where we find the regret.
00:22:48
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:22:50
Dustin Alley
Can we forgive ourselves? Truthfully, that's harder than trusting that God forgives you. And I want to say this to anyone who's dealing with this.
00:22:57
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:23:00
Dustin Alley
It's probably because you want to hold yourself to a higher standard. You believe you are better than the thing that you did or the thing that you went through. You know, I can't imagine what some people are going to be dealing with listening to a podcast like yours can call shameless and the various topics that you cover. And I'm sure there's many out there that hold things over their heads and and are really preventing themselves from being able to live in the freedom that Christ provides. So I don't want to you know, diminish what they could be feeling or going through, but I do want to exalt Christ and the great amazing life that is on the other side of letting go.
00:23:37
Dustin Alley
On the other side of just saying, hey, I own it, I did it, I'm not proud of it, but I am forgiven and I'm going to live forgiven rather than living under the burden of my sin.
00:23:38
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:23:49
Ken Freire
100%, man. You know, as you were talking about that, I'm reminded of 2 Corinthians 7.10 and I wanted to it up. I'm going to read the first verse, but he says... Did I just lose it here?
00:24:00
Ken Freire
No, no, okay, here goes. He says in verse 10, Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret.
00:24:11
Ken Freire
But worldly sorrow brings death.
00:24:12
Dustin Alley
Let's get it.
00:24:13
Ken Freire
See what this godly sorrow has produced in you, what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done at every point you have proved yourself to be innocent in this manner.
00:24:29
Ken Freire
And I just... I remember reading that and thinking to myself, if repentance... True repentance leads to salvation and no regrets. It's like...
00:24:39
Ken Freire
I just had to remind myself that God's grace is going to be so sufficient for my problem that I'm even going to look back and say, you know what? That mess that I made, he's going to redeem it, and he's going to use it for something else.
00:24:51
Dustin Alley
Yes.
00:24:54
Dustin Alley
You're reading, you're reading from Corinthians where Paul wrote to them.
00:24:54
Ken Freire
So,
00:24:57
Dustin Alley
We have to remember the Apostle Paul murdered people because they believed in Jesus.
00:25:02
Dustin Alley
That's what he lived with. in his mind and in his heart. Some, some theorize that the thorn in the flesh, it was actually that the regret and guilt that he carried around of that, of those murders that he was carrying out and you guys Okay, we read read Paul, we we see what he writes here. Now take take for a minute.
00:25:24
Dustin Alley
Pre-salvation. Paul didn't change, if you will. God used who Paul was. He knew who Paul was going to be.
00:25:30
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:25:31
Dustin Alley
He was still a galvanizer. He was still someone who would lead. He was still someone who would call people up and out to do what he believed was right at the time. And at the time, it was the murder of those who were following Jesus.
00:25:44
Dustin Alley
And now he's the one writing to the Corinthians and he says those powerful words there, and Godly repentance leads to salvation with no regrets.
00:25:53
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:25:53
Dustin Alley
He had a lot of things he could have lived in regret with, but instead chose to live in that freedom in Christ. Man, that's good. That is powerful stuff.
00:26:00
Ken Freire
Yeah. So Dustin, for you, man, as you, you turned the corner, God started to redeem your life and you had these regrets with your marriage, but you said, you know what, I'm going to take that mess and I'm going to make it into a message.
00:26:07
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:26:13
Ken Freire
And that's part of man after God a little bit. Right.
00:26:16
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:26:16
Ken Freire
So, so walk us through what did God do in your heart that you all of a sudden said, I want to start using this as a God given mission to help other men not fall into the same trap I did.
Guidance and Support for Men After God
00:26:28
Dustin Alley
You know, when I became a lead pastor, after I'd been an assistant pastor for a number of years, I guess the same thing was in my heart that I had for the youth that I worked with. I wanted to be the man I didn't have around.
00:26:45
Dustin Alley
I wanted to be the person that I believe I needed, that have helped me stay on a straight and narrow path, would have set me up for life, would have guided me towards the Lord and things. And my marriage is something that has grown quite immensely and not perfect by any means, but has grown so much. And we have been through arguments, we've been through studies, we've been through various different things.
00:27:13
Dustin Alley
And I want to do the same thing for other guys, young people, people my age, people older that are still living as roommates because it's unfortunately more common than we'd like to think.
00:27:25
Ken Freire
Call 100%.
00:27:25
Dustin Alley
And so again, it's just always been in my heart since I've been in ministry to try to be the man I wish I had before me. And that was especially true. I wanna have the marriage for other people to view. And again, not exalt and put on a pedestal. Oh man, they're perfect. No, but just to say like, hey, no, we've been through it. We've learned some stuff. let Let me share with you some things that we've learned and you can prayerfully avoid some of the pitfalls we had at the same time.
00:27:55
Dustin Alley
there's there's a there's a good aspect to not fall into the pit, but falling, because they've you got to learn to get back up to together. And so, you know, I try to Try to remember that. i'm I'm a hard-headed guy and I learned about the school of hard knocks. There's better ways to learn, but sometimes it's the only way I learn and many other guys out there like that. so so That's where we're at is you Men After God. We're a men's ministry development organization that produces content, community, coaching, and conferences to develop men who develop men so wives and children know what it means to be led by a man after God in this generation or the next.
00:28:32
Dustin Alley
I want to produce content like we just got done a 14-day devotional that's going to be out by the end of January where we are looking to increase intimacy physically, emotionally, and spiritually over a period of 14 days and just really help guys go through that with their wives and learn how to be a man after God and have a marriage after God.
00:28:54
Ken Freire
Yeah, I love that man. As you think about right now, men after God and what you're doing, there are men right now who are listening to this and they're like, I am roommates with my spouse and I have a lot of regrets of how I've led her. What's like one good practical step that they can take right now to help them see one, the grace of God and two, walk in according to the gospel and the word of God?
00:29:24
Dustin Alley
Sure, so the first thing I would say is you're never too far from the grace of God. You haven't done anything he can't forgive. So whatever regrets you have, however you've not led, it's fine in the sense that it will be fine.
00:29:37
Dustin Alley
Confess it, repent it, own it, and then go to your wife. Sit down with her and have a heart to heart. Take her out if you want, have a cup of coffee, take her to a dinner, and just look at her and say, hey, I failed you.
00:29:49
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:29:49
Dustin Alley
Because man, this is, go ahead.
00:29:51
Ken Freire
And I was going to say, and sometimes even when you say, Hey, I failed you, you might not even know the path forward yet, but at least you're owning it now and saying, I'm going to find a path and we're going to look, I would plug men after God to say like, Hey, don't find a path by yourself.
00:29:56
Dustin Alley
Mm hmm. That's it.
00:30:06
Dustin Alley
Yeah, appreciate that.
00:30:07
Ken Freire
Go, go, go find men after God.
00:30:08
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:30:09
Ken Freire
Like, no, seriously though, like, right? Like why start chart your own path?
00:30:11
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:30:12
Ken Freire
You've done it, you know it like, and you got the resources for it.
00:30:14
Dustin Alley
Yeah, we're here to help.
00:30:16
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:30:16
Dustin Alley
Yeah, and go to menaftergod.net and connect with us or go to our Facebook group facebook .com slash groups slash men after God. I'd love to talk to you more about this. But that's it own it with your wife because the journey forward is not one you're going to do alone. It's one you're going to do with her. And so she needs to be a part of it. And then the next the very next step. Talk together and ask this question. If we were to change one thing in our weekly schedule or add one thing in our weekly schedule to improve our intimacy. And I don't just mean your physical intimacy to improve the closeness you have that could be spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, just to improve your closeness. What would that one thing be? And you guys decide what it is. And then determine for the next three weeks, you're going to do that one thing.
00:31:03
Dustin Alley
you may try to do so much more and you may end up doing so much more. But if you've not been doing it, trying to do everything is probably going to overwhelm you. So find one thing, for instance, spiritual intimacy can always be improved with prayer together, you can do a devotion together on the Bible app and talk about it, you can do it together if you'd like.
00:31:21
Dustin Alley
physical intimacy well that's improved by one way having physical intimacy emotional intimacy there are different apps out there that you can find where you can find emotionally intimate questions or guys if you really want to do it go to chat GPT and say give me 28 questions to increase emotional intimacy with my wife and go and ask those questions and have a conversation and so as a physical spiritual
00:31:38
Ken Freire
Oh yeah.
00:31:44
Dustin Alley
Mental, that's usually a conversation around your goals and your future and where you wanna go, different things of that nature, and doing stuff together. But find something, one thing, and just do it. And it may be terrible, that's okay. Pick something else and and then try again, but don't ever stop investing into your marriage.
00:32:02
Ken Freire
Yeah. You know, I always tell people, hey, the first time you do anything, it's going to be bad. Right?
00:32:07
Ken Freire
You're not like this savant or genius that all of a sudden it's like you're great at it. Everything we do is going to be pretty bad. I remember...
00:32:15
Dustin Alley
Oh brother.
00:32:15
Ken Freire
Dude, I remember the first podcast I ever recorded way back when...
00:32:18
Dustin Alley
Yeah?
00:32:18
Ken Freire
Like, this is years ago. Oh my gosh, it was horrible.
00:32:20
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:32:21
Ken Freire
You know?
00:32:23
Dustin Alley
My first message was an hour long and I insulted Billy Graham and I was preaching to like 18 people in a small church on a Sunday afternoon after the morning service, a potluck and a Christmas wrapping for Operation Christmas Child.
00:32:41
Dustin Alley
Yeah, that's that's all.
00:32:43
Dustin Alley
I have the one copy of that and it will never be released.
00:32:48
Ken Freire
Yeah I'm gonna get a hold of it and be like hey guys look no I'm just kidding
00:32:51
Dustin Alley
Yeah, right there you go get some reels out on that oh, it was Yeah, oh There we go
00:32:54
Ken Freire
but But seriously, guys, I want to share a quick testimony. I know you say you use chat GPT, right? With my wife, I told chat GPT, here's all this stuff about my wife that I know. Now, here's what I want you to do. And because I wanted to grow our emotional intimacy together, my wife has huge words of affirmation. I can't affirm her enough, right? um so But I was like, man, I got to figure out a way to automate this system of being able to encourage her a little bit more throughout the week.
00:33:22
Ken Freire
So what I did was I went to chat GPT, gave her all this information about my wife and I said, Hey, can now that you know all this stuff, can you give me 30 different texts I could send her for the next 30 days, like every day?
00:33:36
Dustin Alley
This guy, I love it.
00:33:37
Ken Freire
but that I'm just encouraging her and affirming her.
00:33:38
Dustin Alley
Yes.
00:33:40
Ken Freire
And it's a template, right? It's like, ah ah and then I edit it a little bit and I send it to her, but then it starts the conversation.
00:33:41
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:33:46
Ken Freire
And then at the end of the night, I just make sure I'm like, hey, did you get my text? Yeah, okay, awesome. Hey, me continue the affirmation process, right?
00:33:52
Dustin Alley
There you go.
00:33:52
Ken Freire
Like, I saw what you did well today. But, dude, it saves so much time. Guys, I know sometimes we just have so much going on. What Dustin was saying of like using an app or using chatty beauty can save you a ton of time.
00:34:05
Dustin Alley
Yup.
00:34:06
Ken Freire
And guess what? They will love it. Like, you're just being intentional, right, with your marriage.
00:34:11
Dustin Alley
Yeah, absolutely. And oh, and that is so huge. So huge. You know, the one one I've heard one argument against them. I'll throw it back to you quick. Guys, some of your wives may look at that as you're trying to get off easy.
00:34:23
Dustin Alley
You need to make sure she what she's okay with the what she's not. cause don't want to hide it.
00:34:26
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:34:26
Dustin Alley
And I'm sure you're saying it on podcasts. I really hope you've told her use chat dbt for that.
00:34:30
Ken Freire
I did.
00:34:31
Dustin Alley
Okay, great. So be upfront and honest with them, guys, don't try to hide it. But prayerfully, she's going to see the intentionality and the effort that's put in. That's something I've told some people before in marriage counseling, the wives will say, well, he doesn't show me love.
00:34:45
Dustin Alley
How do you want to be loved? Well, this way? Have you ever told him that? Well, no, he should just know. No, no, no, he shouldn't. He's not a mind reader.
00:34:52
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:34:53
Dustin Alley
And, yeah. So just with that little caveat in there, guys, make sure you have the conversation and, uh, she's good with it.
00:34:58
Ken Freire
Yeah. And some, I will say some wives would probably not appreciate it. Like, you use chatchery to give me an encouraging word? Like, well, one, I inputted a lot of the information, so I just wanted it to brainstorm.
00:35:10
Dustin Alley
Absolutely. Yes.
00:35:11
Ken Freire
But two, like, that's just one example, right? You could say, hey, date nights. Like, figure out how to be more date night.
00:35:16
Dustin Alley
Mm-hmm.
00:35:17
Ken Freire
Figure out, like, spiritual intimacy. All the stuff that Dustin just said, you could throw it in there and just ask for advice. you're not doing it on yourself. I cannot tell you how many times I said, hey, I want a date night, and these I'm looking for these types of questions.
00:35:29
Dustin Alley
Yep.
00:35:30
Ken Freire
And it just gave me a sounding board. Because sometimes, guys, we don't have a sounding
00:35:33
Dustin Alley
Yep.
00:35:35
Ken Freire
You're not in your group thread. You're like, hey, guys, do you have 10 questions that you could hook me up with for my date night?
00:35:42
Dustin Alley
You probably don't want them if you got them anyway.
00:35:42
Ken Freire
I know. All the guys are going to ask totally different questions.
00:35:47
Dustin Alley
Oh yeah. Absolutely. Chat GPT is more reliable.
00:35:51
Ken Freire
Yeah, for sure. My guy friends would just give me a hard time for a while, and then they'll be like, oh yeah, here's a question I forgot, like two weeks after the date.
00:35:55
Dustin Alley
Yeah. Oh yeah. There you go. Yup. Yup. Oh man. I love it.
00:36:02
Ken Freire
Dustin, man, you and I, we could go on and on and on, but I love how you've been talking about, hey, you've had past regrets, but this is how you're moving forward, right? Like, you know, repent, move forward, trust in the grace of God.
00:36:15
Ken Freire
There's not gonna be any regrets, but let's take actions. And I love that practical step of like, hey, You know you did something, own it, but let's start having a conversation together. And you're talking about physical intimacy, emotional, spiritual, mental.
00:36:25
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:36:28
Ken Freire
That's great, man. Dustin, for those people who want to continue listening or avail themselves of your resources, what's the best way for them to get a hold of you?
00:36:37
Dustin Alley
Yeah, so follow us on Facebook, facebook dot.com slash the men after God, Apple podcast, Spotify, we're on all the major podcasting platforms, the men after God podcast. And then yeah, our Facebook group, facebook dot.com slash groups slash men after God. And we are doing some amazing work right now partnering with churches to develop men's ministries. We're also just started what we just say we just started for the last couple months, we've been doing international work, we have our work, our materials being translated into Spanish.
00:37:03
Dustin Alley
Utilizing AI technology, we are able to increase the translation speed, and so we're actually looking at Hindi and Korean, as well as Portuguese within the next three months.
00:37:12
Ken Freire
Nice.
00:37:13
Dustin Alley
And that is our resource library, my book, Becoming a Man After God, available on Amazon, and any of the other stuff we're putting out as well. We're just trying to impact men at a global scale.
00:37:24
Dustin Alley
because the need for men to step up and lead as men after God is not just an American problem, it's an international problem. And we want to be able to be the go-to resource for men's ministry in the future.
00:37:38
Ken Freire
Yeah. Dustin, thank you so much, man. And thank you for listening to God in whatever he had placed in your heart and taking all the mess, all the sin, and saying, I could still redeem that and use it for his God-given mission.
00:37:51
Ken Freire
I love it, man. I know you and I are still going to stay connected and probably throw a bunch of memes at each other every once in a while.
00:37:57
Dustin Alley
I hope so yeah.
00:37:57
Ken Freire
But I'm praying for you, man. I'm hoping the best men who are listening to this, I'd urge you, man, just go check out Dustin's stuff. Become a man. That's really after God's heart. And I know sometimes it can be hard.
Conclusion: Pursuing Grace and Intentionality
00:38:11
Ken Freire
You can go to other places and it can feel shameful. It could feel regretful. Like, you're not doing enough. Step up. like We get that. We've all heard that. We don't want that.
00:38:19
Ken Freire
But we want to know is, like, what's the path? I think most men just never grew up having a path. And that's what I really appreciate about you, Dustin. and You're just so open. You're like, I was a backwoods Baptist.
00:38:30
Ken Freire
I didn't have a path. And I found it.
00:38:32
Dustin Alley
Yeah.
00:38:33
Ken Freire
Right? And it might not be perfect, but you're like, follow me as I follow Christ. I'm going to try to get you guys there as best as possible, man. And that's what I appreciate you about you.
00:38:41
Dustin Alley
No, man. Thanks again. Appreciate that.
00:38:42
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:38:43
Dustin Alley
Where's the Lord?
00:38:43
Ken Freire
So, men, again, go check out Dustin. All those places where you can find them are going to be in the show notes. And like always, I tell you, every single week, remember, focus on killing shame, standing strong, and being on mission.
00:38:56
Ken Freire
Hope you guys have a great day, and God bless.