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Freedom Beyond Filters: The Root Approach to Overcoming Pornography
138 Plays1 year ago
In this episode of Shame(less) Podcast, Ken Freire sits down with Sathiya Sam, founder of Deep Clean Coaching and host of the Unleash the Man Within podcast, to discuss why internet filters fall short in the fight against pornography addiction.
Sathiya shares his journey of overcoming a 15-year addiction, the limitations of behavior modification, and the transformative power of a root-based approach to recovery.
Through his three pillars of healing—self-awareness, trauma healing, and identity transformation—Sathiya equips men with the tools they need to experience lasting freedom in Christ.
This candid and hope-filled conversation dives deep into the lies of shame, the importance of emotional connection, and the role of faith in healing, providing practical steps for men ready to reclaim their God-given potential and purpose.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- Why internet filters are only a temporary solution.
- Sathiya’s personal journey through addiction and how it led to Deep Clean Coaching.
- The three root issues driving addiction: suppressed emotions, unresolved trauma, and limiting beliefs.
- Practical tools for overcoming pornography
Key Quotes:
- "We’re not in the business of helping guys quit porn; we’re in the business of helping men become everything God made them to be."
- "Real freedom isn’t about filters—it’s about heart transformation."
- "God is more excited about your freedom than you are."
Action Steps for Listeners:
- Start journaling today using the two-part method: express and reflect.
- Identify one person you can talk to about your struggle without fear of judgment.
- Connect with a supportive community to build accountability and find encouragement.
Resources Mentioned:
- Deep Clean Coaching: sathiyasam.com
- Sathiya’s Podcast: Unleash the Man Within
- Instagram: @sathiyasam
Closing Thought:
“Take action today. Recovery isn’t just about knowledge; it’s about stepping forward in faith, knowing God is with you every step of the way.”
Recommended
Transcript
Intro
Introduction of Cynthia Sam and Episode Overview
00:00:30
Ken Freire
Welcome back to another episode. Today, we're diving into a groundbreaking conversation with Sathiya Sam. He is the founder of a thriving addiction coaching practice and the host of the Man Within podcast.
Insights on Overcoming Shame and Finding Freedom in Christ
00:00:45
Ken Freire
Sathiya challenges the conventional reliance on internet filters, which is a topic that we're going to talk about today when it comes to overcoming pornography
Childhood Memories and Family Dynamics
00:00:55
Ken Freire
recovery. He's advocating for deeper,
00:00:58
Ken Freire
rooted, focused approach that addresses self-awareness, trauma, and identity. So if you've ever struggled with shame or feel stuck in a cycle of behavior modification, this episode, I believe will offer you fresh insights and hope for lasting freedom in Christ. So let's get into it. Sathiya man, thank you for being on the podcast. How are you doing today, man?
00:01:20
Sathiya Sam
It's an honor to be here, man. Thanks for having me. I'm doing great.
00:01:23
Ken Freire
Yeah, I love it, man. I remember when we first chatted about like, hey, what's an unpopular opinion you have when it comes to helping people recover?
00:01:32
Ken Freire
You were like, oh, easy. You're like, people just need to stop using internet filters. And I'm like, oh, we got to talk about this. This is awesome. You know, you're just like breaking the mold. But before we jump too deep into that, man, let's let the audience get to know you a little
Personal Journey: Realization of Addiction and Transformation
00:01:46
Ken Freire
bit.
00:01:46
Ken Freire
So tell us a fun childhood memory that you remember having so we get to know you a little bit better.
00:01:52
Sathiya Sam
Oh man, I got a couple of doozies, but I'll give you like a mid-grade one. So I grew up in the 90s, and back in the 90s there was this dance called the Can Can. Do you remember this? Do you remember learning about the Can Can?
00:02:05
Ken Freire
I do remember the Ken Ken. Do I remember how to do it?
00:02:08
Ken Freire
It's a long time.
00:02:09
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, yeah.
00:02:10
Sathiya Sam
So my sister is six years older than me. So I worship the ground that she walked on as a kid, you know, she could do no wrong. And she was like, Hey, I learned this new dance called the can can do you want do you want to see it?
00:02:22
Sathiya Sam
So she's teaching the can can and know there's like leg kicking and whatever like it's it's a whole thing. And I'm learning, I'm trying to figure it out. And anyways, my sister, while she's teaching me the can-can, loses her balance, falls back and knocks over my little brother.
00:02:34
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:02:36
Sathiya Sam
My little brother's three years younger than me, so she's ah ah about 10 years younger than my sister. And my brother falls back, hits the back of his head on the corner of the wall, and literally splits his head open, like blood gushing everywhere.
00:02:51
Sathiya Sam
Had to be rushed to emergency, stitches, the whole deal. And that was the last time we ever did the can-can in our home. Yeah.
00:02:59
Ken Freire
Oh, that is awesome.
00:03:01
Ken Freire
Dude, I can't tell you how many times I've had stories with my siblings of us just hurting ourselves because we're trying something new.
00:03:09
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, dude, seriously, like that's mid grade, but I could tell you about the time my brother got like popcorn seats stuck in his ear. We were taking like vacuum hoses to his ear, trying to get it out. It was, again, it was a whole thing.
00:03:18
Ken Freire
Oh, gosh.
00:03:19
Sathiya Sam
Like there's a, there's a laundry list of just brutal sibling experiences that were mostly at the expense of my younger brother. Now that I think about it, but yeah.
00:03:28
Ken Freire
I've had the expensive, all of them were at the expense of me. Like, dude, I remember I was talking to my cousins the other day.
00:03:31
Sathiya Sam
Okay.
00:03:36
Ken Freire
we were there for Thanksgiving. And we were talking about how I when I was younger, I totally forgot about this, I would literally jump in front of cars, I lived in New York City, I would jump in front of cars and just get tapped and act like I was hurt.
00:03:49
Ken Freire
Just because they made me do it. And I was just like, Oh, yeah, I'm gonna do that. And I'm like, oh oh ah but my cousin was like, man, we could have hit the jackpot with insurance, you know, claims back then.
00:04:00
Ken Freire
I'm like, Yeah, I got now I got back low or back problems. Probably happened from.
00:04:04
Sathiya Sam
I was going to say you'd be down a couple limbs probably, but yeah.
00:04:07
Ken Freire
Exactly.
00:04:10
Ken Freire
Well, Sathiya man, before we go into your thought process and why we don't need internet filters and stuff like that, man, tell us a little bit about your journey with porn and and addiction how you started to overcome it.
Faith-Based Recovery and Overcoming Relapse
00:04:21
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, so nobody gets into this line of work usually without an experience of some kind, so I'm not an exception in that regard.
00:04:26
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:04:28
Sathiya Sam
I grew up in a pastor's home, went to Christian school, Sunday school superstar, had, you know, everything lined up for me to do pretty well in life. I even skipped a grade, so academically it was very brainy.
00:04:39
Sathiya Sam
And I was exposed to pornography in the computer lab of my Christian school when I was 11 years old.
00:04:44
Ken Freire
Wow.
00:04:45
Sathiya Sam
So that's where the story begins. I wasn't addicted overnight. In fact, I actually was prepubescent and very sheltered. So I didn't really understand what I had seen. I had, I mean, zilch, no exposure to anything like that prior.
00:04:58
Sathiya Sam
And it just planted a seed. And a couple months, years later, as I did start to hit puberty and develop more sexually, I remember. And I went back to the site and it kind of just became the entry point to a 15-year-long struggle with porn. And at the crux of it, I was a university researcher, like I said, very academic.
00:05:20
Sathiya Sam
Working really long days, I was doing studies at that time as well, and working part-time, volunteering with children with autism, worship teams at church, and watching a lot of pornography at night before I went to bed just to get by.
00:05:35
Sathiya Sam
And I think that was pinnacle of this is not a bad habit. This is not a compulsion. This is not some lingering sin issue rather in my life. This is an actual addiction. I'm literally dependent on this just to get by. And in university is also where I i found God and I made a commitment to Christ.
00:05:54
Sathiya Sam
And i knew that with that decision having grown up in the church came a bunch of lifestyle changes i had to stop drinking on the weekends i need to clean up my language obviously prioritize my relationship with god and i needed to stop watching pornography. And the first three things on that list were more or less a breeze they didn't have ah an actual foothold in my heart.
00:06:12
Sathiya Sam
But pornography did. And that was beginning of a five-year process of actually quitting porn. I did a lot of the things you shouldn't do. a made a lot of mistakes. There weren't great podcasts like yours out there back and in the day to guide and resource people through this journey.
00:06:27
Sathiya Sam
So I was really fumbling my way through it, but I did eventually have my last relapse in February 2016.
Addressing Root Issues: Trauma and Limiting Beliefs
00:06:33
Sathiya Sam
And I had a prayer in that five-year recovery process, which was, God, if you help me figure this out for myself, I will do everything in my power to help other guys figure this out for themselves. And just ah again, another little seed that got planted, had did my last relapse February 2016, and it was about two and a half years later, end of December 2018,
00:06:54
Sathiya Sam
that I launched Deep Clean, I felt that release from the Lord because I had been clean for a year or two, a year before and I had fallen back in.
00:06:59
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:07:02
Sathiya Sam
So I really wanted to make sure that something was different. But by that point, I felt good about it, launched Deep Clean and you know, the rest is history. We served over 1500 men. We reached hundreds of thousands of people with our message every week now between our different platforms.
00:07:15
Sathiya Sam
And we're just seeing this whole message of a roots-based approach, which I know we're going to get into really starting to gain some traction in the recovery world. So it's been a lot of fun, but a journey to get here nonetheless.
00:07:25
Ken Freire
Yeah. In that, in that five year journey, How much shame did you feel when you were like, man, I know I should be living this way, but you didn't feel like you were getting to that.
00:07:37
Sathiya Sam
The shame was overwhelming because I was actually working as a pastor at the time. So leading youth, leading worship, just seen as a spiritual leader and knowing that I i was not walking the walk, but I was definitely talking the talk.
00:07:54
Sathiya Sam
was the first layer of saying, but that second layer of saying that you just touched on the, I'm trying my best. I feel like I'm trying my best. I'm doing what everyone tells you to do, installing the filters and joining accountability groups and talking to my pastors about it and praying more. and white-knuckling and asking the Holy Spirit for more self-control.
00:08:10
Sathiya Sam
Like I was doing all the things. So if you do all the things that everybody tells you to do and you hear these stories that other people did them and they got free and then you don't get free, the only thing you can conclude that something must be wrong with you.
00:08:23
Sathiya Sam
Like something must be just fundamentally broken here.
00:08:23
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:08:26
Sathiya Sam
So the shame was huge and that's why I'm very grateful that I did eventually start to get more of the roots because that's where the de-shaming starts to take place to realize, okay, there's nothing wrong with me. I just didn't have the solutions that I specifically needed to get the freedom I was after.
00:08:41
Ken Freire
Yeah, you know, I tell people all the time that all those other tools, they're great for a certain times, but when it's a deeper issue, you need a different set of tools, you need a different set of resources, or a way to apply those specifically to whatever's going on.
00:08:56
Sathiya Sam
Yes.
00:08:57
Ken Freire
I know lots of times when I was younger, people were like, well, just read the Bible more. read scripture more. And I'm like, man, I'm devouring the word of God as much as possible. I'm trying to honor God. And still, I feel like something's wrong. And it's because I didn't know how to allow the scriptures to really dig deep into the root issues that I was going through.
00:09:17
Ken Freire
To some extent, I always made it surface level.
00:09:22
Ken Freire
so So So for you, man, how did you start to see those root issues in your life?
00:09:28
Sathiya Sam
Well, I think I had to first acknowledge that there were root issues, because anytime that subject matter came up, it was about childhood trauma, which I told myself I was more or less clean of. It was, you know, somebody had a major sexual abuse story. And like, they're just I didn't ever feel like my situation was that severe that I needed to do something intense like
00:09:51
Sathiya Sam
There was a bit of a disconnect there in my understanding of what the root issues were.
00:09:51
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:09:55
Sathiya Sam
Once I understood that root issues was actually just about building self-awareness, sure, it involves some trauma, but trauma could be something relatively minor that still affected you.
00:10:06
Sathiya Sam
Once I understood that it was core belief systems, and that's when I started to realize, okay, Those are things that I definitely have in my life. and I think that's what kind of caused me to deep dive a bit more. But I needed help. I mean, I was not going to figure out that stuff on my own. So I wound up in a program with some really good mentors, really good guidance. And they were the ones who helped me start to pick things apart a bit and actually narrow down what these root issues were.
00:10:31
Sathiya Sam
And I was really concerned that discovering the root issues was going to be, I don't know, I guess, I was, I was worried about how it was going to change my life. Like I was worried that I was going to discover something and it was going to completely taint my view of my childhood and all that kind of stuff.
00:10:44
Ken Freire
Ha ha ha!
00:10:44
Sathiya Sam
You know, I had all these like irrational fears about it. And actually, discovering the roots was the most empowering experience of my recovery journey. It was so liberating just to stare those issues in the eyes and realize, oh, this is what I've been dealing with the whole time. And now I know what it is. you Now I know what the root issues are. I think it was Abraham Lincoln who famously said, if I had six hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend the first five hours sharpening the axe.
00:11:09
Sathiya Sam
And I i just, I wasn't spending enough time sharpening the axe, actually getting clarity on what the root issues were. I was just swinging away a hoping that one day the tree would fall down. So it was really liberating to actually discover the roots.
00:11:21
Ken Freire
Okay, so what were the roots for you when you started to get into it and being like, oh my gosh, this is what's going on for me.
00:11:27
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, three main things. So the first is that I did actually have some trauma when I was a teenager. I lost three friends to suicide and one friend was really close. The other two were a little bit more distant, but friends nonetheless. When I lost my close friend to suicide, I remember making this little decision in my heart. So weird that we go through these things. I was 14 years old.
00:11:47
Sathiya Sam
And I said, i i I'm not gonna cry over this. I will not cry. that That was like my thing. For some reason I had this idea that if I could make it through and not cry, that was a success that I was moving forward and I was grieving properly and whatever else when really it was the exact opposite. So I think the first thing was I was very plugged up emotionally. I had basically learned to suppress, to neglect, and to ignore that entire aspect of my being.
00:12:11
Sathiya Sam
So building self-awareness, that was the first real breakthrough at a root level of, okay, there's emotions that are driving my porn use. Like I actually watch pornography when I feel disconnected, when I feel like I'm not good enough, when I feel insecure. You know, know, ah starting to pinpoint these emotions and seeing them as actually like Gifts, like their intel. you If I feel this way and I can process it and resolve that emotion now, it's not gonna fester and blossom into a relapse or a slip later on. And so that was that a huge breakthrough for me. Again, something that I resisted for a long time. Feelings don't matter. Who cares about emotions? You don't need them. They're not helpful. come and they go. And for me to just acknowledge actually their useful information that can leverage me in my recovery efforts, that was really, really helpful.
00:12:59
Sathiya Sam
The second thing was more at a heart level, and I would i categorize this as trauma. Sometimes, Ken, trauma is not about what happens to you, it's about what didn't happen to you. And a discovery that I made, this was with some professional help, but a discovery I made was that my my my mom is an amazing woman, you know, very kind and loving.
00:13:18
Sathiya Sam
her way of showing love was really providing my felt needs. So there's always food on the table and a shirt on my back and was always around, not a very affectionate person, not very expressive with her feelings towards me. And so I sort of grew up with a little bit of this sense of neglect from my maternal figure and and knew my mom always loved me, but not a lot of physical touch, not a lot of words of affirmation, not even really a lot of quality time. So things that that was looking for as a child.
00:13:45
Sathiya Sam
not surprisingly, those are my top love languages if if you're into that at all, Gary Chapman's framework.
00:13:50
Ken Freire
Oh yeah, I love that.
00:13:51
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, yeah, really, really helpful. We actually, it's part of our program now, but anyway. realizing that my mom's lack of affection growing up actually drove me to seek female affection elsewhere in things like pornography was
Beyond Internet Filters: Heart Transformation for Freedom
00:14:05
Sathiya Sam
a revelation. like had never even dawned on me before and that was probably my first experience where I realized, okay, this trauma thing is real and it's also not what I thought it was because was trauma. That was an experience that I hadn't been able to integrate
00:14:19
Sathiya Sam
And being able to work through that, being able to forgive my mom, just massive. That was one of the few moments in my life where I actually felt like a quantum leap in recovery. Like most of recovery is like you get a little bit better every day.
00:14:29
Ken Freire
Hmm.
00:14:31
Sathiya Sam
It's kind of 1% here, 1% there.
00:14:31
Ken Freire
Yup.
00:14:33
Sathiya Sam
That was like that a 20% change pretty much instantaneously when I forgave my mom. then the third one is it was tackling limiting beliefs limiting beliefs or you know lies that I had been believing I was really wrapped up in a lot of performance thinking like I said, it's very brainy I got a lot of attention from authority figures my parents included growing up because of my academic achievements So I just learned that as long as I achieve I'm lovable and I translated that even into my relationship with God It was all about how much I could do for him and all that and so was something I had to grow in you know It was realizing that actually God loves me
00:15:07
Sathiya Sam
regardless that my value is intrinsic, it's set, it's not based on my performance and it's one thing to say, it's one thing to even maybe say I believe it, it's another thing to actually experience it and for that that happen at a heart level and that's, are the three big shifters for me that got me to a place of full freedom.
00:15:23
Ken Freire
Yeah. Well, Sathiya man, you know what's fascinating about all these three? And it's sad to also say this, but a lot of these things were very normal, and it's very normal for a lot of people to experience it today.
00:15:35
Sathiya Sam
Yeah.
00:15:35
Ken Freire
where they're like, hey, I'm going to suppress my emotions, or I had neglect from a parent, even though your parents were trying their best. They're like, they were trying to be good parents the best they knew how.
00:15:42
Sathiya Sam
Yes.
00:15:46
Ken Freire
It still happened. And then just like limiting beliefs, the performance one, I think for men especially, dude, we all struggle with that. We want to feel like our love comes through our achievement.
00:15:57
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, yeah.
00:15:58
Ken Freire
You know, someone just told me this the other day. They were saying, like, was it dogs? And I think it was a Chris Rock joke or something like that. But he said, like, something like, dogs and women are the only ones who get unconditional love.
00:16:10
Ken Freire
But men have to be the ones that have to earn it.
00:16:13
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, man.
00:16:14
Ken Freire
You know? And I was just like, oh, wow. That's the belief that most men carry, though.
00:16:19
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, yeah. And it gets ingrained to us at a very young age. Like because men are like, we're naturally doers.
00:16:23
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:16:26
Sathiya Sam
You know, we like to accomplish, we like to achieve, we like to conquer, we like to work with our hands. We're just always tend to be more active, more mobile. So it's sort of built in a little bit, but I think it's why this whole concept is that much more revolutionary for guys when they can really grasp that their achievements are not attached to their affection or their value as a person, that that that's a really big deal. That can really change a lot of guys' lives. And what I just laid out for you, we call it the three pillars of recovery, the eyes, the building self-awareness, the heart, which is the trauma piece, and then the mind. When you have a root level healing in all three of those areas, man, guys' lives really, really start to turn around.
00:17:09
Ken Freire
Man, and and that's where you would say when you do those things, you actually don't need internet filters, like in internet blockers, which they're good for some extent, but not for long-term
00:17:18
Sathiya Sam
I can't. i would ah yeah I would agree. I would say, you know, internet filters are kind of like training wheels on a bike. So they can be really helpful. they They set up kind of a natural boundary, depending on the kind of filter you use as well. Because something like Covenant Eyes, is it's not blocking you from seeing this stuff. It's just going to report things that you look at afterwards, right? So they all operate differently. But the point is, they're training wheels. They kind of give you a chance gain your balance and figure out how to how kind of move the thing forward.
00:17:46
Sathiya Sam
real freedom should not require those kinds of boundaries. And it doesn't mean that you can still have
The Role of God and Unconditional Love in Recovery
00:17:51
Sathiya Sam
them. We've had clients come through who are just, it's been there long enough that they're just going to keep it on and that's fine.
00:17:56
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:17:57
Sathiya Sam
But I think real freedom is you learn to ride that bike without the wheels. So for me, I did the filter thing, it didn't work. i I found my place to freedom without it. And to this day, I still do not use filters and I have no intent to ever use it.
00:18:09
Sathiya Sam
And I think, again, whether you use filters or not, I don't want people to get hung up on the wrong thing here. but can have a filter. It's just the filter is not going to save you. It's the transformation of the heart that that's what's actually going to save you and lead to freedom.
00:18:22
Sathiya Sam
And if having a filter helps you get through that process, I think that's great. But it's it's not the end goal. The end goal is actually your heart changing.
00:18:29
Ken Freire
Yeah. Yeah. You know, I had found when working with guys, they would relapse the moment that the internet filter wasn't around.
00:18:38
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, exactly.
00:18:39
Ken Freire
And they would be destroyed.
00:18:39
Sathiya Sam
Right.
00:18:40
Ken Freire
They're like, what happened? I was doing so good. Well, honestly, it's because they put their hope on an internet filter and never actually did that deep work of transformation that needed to happen.
00:18:49
Sathiya Sam
Yes, and then guys will say, well, I think I need a different filter. I need something that's stronger.
00:18:53
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:18:54
Sathiya Sam
actually, I just, I was doing a coaching call with my clients before we hopped on here and I had a client ask that because he he found a work around his filter and he was saying, i I think I need a new filter and I was like, dude, I don't think this is the best return on your investment. Like if you're going to put time and energy and maybe even some money into something, let's find something else that's going to actually tackle things at more of a root level because a more ironclad filter is is actually just going to reinforce the same issues that you have right now.
00:19:21
Ken Freire
Yeah, absolutely. And God's grace, remember doing all the deep work in my heart. It's been now like 15 years since I've had any type of filter on my thing.
00:19:28
Sathiya Sam
Dude, come on. Wow.
00:19:30
Ken Freire
Because I was just like, I don't even need it now, right?
00:19:30
Sathiya Sam
Good for you.
00:19:32
Ken Freire
And now it's also become a habit. It's just like, oh, why would I do that? I remember one of the things when it comes to, and I love your pillars, the three pillars of just like how Christ was able to redeem me in each one of those pillars. So walk us through how do you bring God into the mix of each one of these pillars?
00:19:52
Sathiya Sam
So i I think God plays a role in all of them. I think before we even talk about that, I would just say the one thing that people get wrong, and when I say people, I'm wrapping myself into that, is we think that God is really angry at us about our sin, and sometimes recovery, even in of itself, can become reinforcing of our limiting beliefs in our lives, because we feel like we have to do recovery work really well, so that God will be pleased with us and that he'll forgive us and have mercy on us.
00:20:19
Sathiya Sam
And one of the things that I realized, and I ah just want to share this with your audience, hopefully it's helpful for them, is that God is more excited about your freedom than you.
00:20:22
Ken Freire
Oh,
00:20:27
Sathiya Sam
Like God wants you free even more than you do. So when we embark on a recovery journey, a roots-based approach, we're actually partnering with the heart of God. We're not trying to twist his arms so that he throws us a favor and sets us free, but we're actually partnering with his heart for us and he will empower our efforts. He takes your 100% and he makes it 1,000%. And I think that is really evident when people do have a roots-based approach especially. So when we're dealing with the eyes, you know,
00:20:27
Ken Freire
that's so good.
00:20:55
Sathiya Sam
Jesus said in Matthew 5 in his famous Sermon on the Mount that even if you look at a woman with lustful intent, you've committed adultery in your heart. And the point he was making there is it's not enough for you to just say like, oh, I didn't double take, I didn't check out that girl, I didn't watch pornography.
00:21:10
Sathiya Sam
What he's actually asking is, but what what your intents? What is your relationship with other women like? How do you view them? Are they objects to you you just use for your own pleasure? Are you undressing them with your eyes? Are you fantasizing? What's actually going on at a heart level? I think when we talk about the eyes, we're talking about kind the intent. you When you look, what do you actually see? Not physically, but what's the intent? What's the desire going on in unseen realm?
00:21:33
Sathiya Sam
And I think i that's where everything starts. You know, Proverbs 4, 23 says, guard your heart above all else for from it flow the issues of life. So this idea that you kind of need to get preemptive, the heart, you know, there is like the Hebrew word, leap, which is like the seat of thoughts, the seat of emotion. It's where those inner things sit. We have to gain an awareness of those first. more example, scripturally, Philippians 4 talks about the peace of God, you know, like cast your cares upon him with thanksgiving.
00:22:00
Sathiya Sam
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds. So there's this sort of guardian component that self-awareness is all about that I think is incredibly biblical and really is the first step. This is how you nip things in the bud.
00:22:15
Sathiya Sam
The heart component, what I was just talking about, like healing from trauma and all that, very much tied into the things we just mentioned, guarding your heart, healing your heart. If you have this perpetual sin in your life, there's a really good chance that there are some trauma pieces happening at a heart level that might need to be addressed.
00:22:31
Sathiya Sam
And one modality we're very fond of in our coaching practice is called inner child work. And if there's a clinical approach to inner child work, but we have sort of tailored it where it's not the resolve of inner child work is where the little boy who was exposed to pornography and didn't know what to do.
00:22:48
Sathiya Sam
that boy in that moment, know, clinically, you would, you would like reparent yourself or you would speak to that boy. But from a faith-based perspective, what we do is we actually invite the Holy Spirit into these memories, these core memories, and give them a chance to speak love, to say like, God, what were you doing?
00:22:58
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:23:02
Sathiya Sam
And often it's God, God's protecting us, God's guiding us, God's leading us out of there. And so God shows up in some really powerful ways in those sessions when we're doing the the deeper heart level kind of healing, it's amazing.
00:23:14
Sathiya Sam
and things can change very quickly. I find that some of the clinical methods, they take a long time and and people tell you there's a process and that's because they're doing it all in their own strength, but when you involve the Holy Spirit in that process, things can happen very quickly. And then the third piece, you know, the identity piece, I think is as scriptural as it gets. We all know that we're transformed by the renewing of our minds, that we were to take our thoughts captive, and I think learning to walk in truth is really the epitome of all transformation. know, like it's written in John eight, like whom the sun sets free is free indeed. And more specifically, it is the truth that sets you free. And so I think when we step into truth, when we dismantle the life that the enemy's trying to get us to believe, and we step into the truth that God's actually speaking about us, that's where we start to break out of this addiction history, this addiction identity, and break into something new, something, a new identity, a new creation,
00:24:05
Sathiya Sam
and becoming the person that God's made us to be.
00:24:09
Ken Freire
Bro, you just did like a masterclass in about seven minutes. Well, there was so much to unpack there. And we don't have the time to unpack all of it. But I want to grab a couple parts that you said that I think are really important. and Before Before you went through the pillars, you talked about just how much God wants freedom for you. And he's like excited about it. As you were saying that, I was reminded of Romans 5.8, where he says, wow, yet we were still sinners. Christ died for us. This is how he showed his love for us.
00:24:36
Ken Freire
And I always find myself, especially in my journey, at the beginning of it, I remember thinking to myself, I have to earn God's love.
Tools for Recovery: Journaling and Community
00:24:45
Ken Freire
Right? And I remember being in a car with with friend of mine, and I feel like I was like, I just, I'm struggling so much to try to overcome this sin. I don't feel like God loves me enough.
00:24:57
Ken Freire
And he was like, well, Ken, he's already shown you the greatest love. And I'm like, what are you talking about?
00:25:01
Sathiya Sam
Hmm.
00:25:02
Ken Freire
He's like, why you are still a sinner. That means when you were at your worst, when you hated God, when you didn't love God at all, that's when he died for you. Don't you think now that you love him and you want to try?
00:25:16
Ken Freire
that he loves you even more. Like, that there's no cap, right? Like, he's just like, he's unconditionally going to love you. And I remember when he said that to me, it was like the chains, kind of what you were just talking about, the truth sets you free, broken. I, for the first time, realized how much God unconditionally loves me.
00:25:34
Ken Freire
and that even now in my struggle and in my pain, and and know, this is 15 years of my recovery, I still have other sin issues that I'm trying to overcome and I still have a brokenness that I'm so overcome. God is so excited for me right now and he loves me. The way he loved me when I was a sinner, he loves me now. And I'm just so like, the it's almost incomprehensible to think about his love and his grace for me.
00:26:01
Ken Freire
But that propels me. That gives me the energy to say, I want to keep fighting. So how do you... I say all that to ask you, man, when you talk to guys, it's really hard for them to think about love the way we've experienced it or emotions the way you and I have probably experienced it because culture tells us love is a certain way and that we as men shouldn't deal with emotions, right?
00:26:26
Ken Freire
We've got to stuff it and be tough.
00:26:26
Sathiya Sam
Yeah.
00:26:28
Ken Freire
How do you help men to truly break free from those lies and say, no, having emotions is great. and being loved is something that you actually need.
00:26:39
Sathiya Sam
So, I mean, if we're going to get practical, which would be my preference, we are big believers in journaling.
00:26:42
Ken Freire
Yeah, yeah.
00:26:46
Sathiya Sam
I feel like journaling kind of answers all those questions you asked one. If you're building self-awareness, you're working through trauma, or you're trying to uproot some lies and really walk in the truth,
00:26:56
Sathiya Sam
We found journaling to be really helpful. Now we have a little bit of a unique journaling method, which is, it was two parts primarily, which is one is to express, and that is where we will give guys, uh, we call it the feelings wheel. Cause this is, I needed a tool to actually label emotions. I literally didn't have the language other than I feel good, I feel happy and I feel bad. Like I was so inept. So we give guys a tool we in that expression part is where they kind of build that skill of labeling emotions and defining their thoughts and all that stuff.
00:27:25
Sathiya Sam
But it's the second part of journaling that is so critical and so valuable in our Deep Clean system and that is to reflect. So the first part is expression. You're learning to just articulate what's going on within, kind of building that self-awareness, that first pillar.
00:27:39
Sathiya Sam
And then the second part is reflection where you actually put the pen down and you listen for God to talk.
00:27:41
Ken Freire
Thank you.
00:27:44
Sathiya Sam
You listen to that still small voice. And I think this is where real transformation happens. It's in actively building that dynamic relationship with God. I think a lot of people, they get the message conceptually that Christianity is not a ah ah religion, it's not about religion, it's about relationship. But I think practically, sometimes it still looks like people just have a list of things that they do and they check them off on their list.
00:28:07
Sathiya Sam
But I think ah an actual fluid relationship has really good communication and very consistent and steady communication. And I think journaling for us has just been one of the best ways that we can unlock this. And guys, where they're tapping into their inner world, they're able to process things and they're able to connect with God and hear from God over it.
00:28:25
Sathiya Sam
And the cool thing is from when somebody will start this system with us and they just learn journaling and they're maybe fumbling their way through it to the end where they're proficient and they can work through things pretty quickly and they built up a little bit of a history, if you will, of journaling with God is their connection with him is at a completely different level. And you and I know very well that You could maybe get free on your own, maybe. But if you really want to walk in freedom long term, it's got to be arm in arm. You got to link arms with other guys. There has to be other people involved. And that's because all the research would suggest, and you don't have to look for an inscription to find this either, the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it's connection.
00:29:04
Sathiya Sam
And while that connection laterally, brother to brother is so important, that connection vertically with God is just as important, if not more important. And so journaling just accomplishes all of that. It allows you to go through the system. It allows you to involve God in the process. And by building that connection with Him, your heart is literally becoming more satisfied in Him, more full in Him. And as we like to say in our community, a satisfied heart rarely wanders.
00:29:29
Sathiya Sam
And so it's ah ah beautiful thing, I think. And for me, journaling is is the ah ah critical component of all of it.
00:29:35
Ken Freire
Yeah. Man, I remember when I started journaling, I'm going to be honest with you, I thought it was hecka weird. I was like, guys don't journal.
00:29:40
Sathiya Sam
Yeah. Yes.
00:29:41
Ken Freire
I'm like, this is a woman's thing. But I remember when I started journaling, the same thing happened. And I had a ah counselor who was like, hey, just listen to the Holy Spirit. See what he wants to say to you about these things.
00:29:53
Ken Freire
And whatever you hear, write it down. So I remember just looking through my journals, and especially when I felt like I was struggling, I would just go back to my journal and see all the things that I felt like God was speaking to me about, and just being like, oh my gosh, in this small process, right it says in 2 Corinthians, you go from one degree to another to eternal
00:30:05
Sathiya Sam
Hmm.
00:30:13
Ken Freire
I just remember thinking, man, God, you've been doing so much already.
00:30:15
Sathiya Sam
Yes.
00:30:16
Ken Freire
And it kept me, like you said, my heart was full. It kept me from wandering. So, for guys, I say all that as an encouragement that, like, if you don't journal, and especially during this process, ah go grab a journal and start writing it down.
00:30:29
Ken Freire
I think what Sathiya just said, all those different tools practical questions to ask yourself are huge. As we wrap up, Sathiya for you, what are some other practical ways that men can start to go into the journey of recovery?
00:30:36
Sathiya Sam
Yeah.
00:30:46
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, journaling is always the top of the list. And the main reason is because you can journal alone.
00:30:51
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:30:51
Sathiya Sam
So some guys listening just might not be ready to to reach out to talk to other people and you can start journaling today. Nobody has to know, it can cost you a buck and you're on your way.
00:31:00
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:31:01
Sathiya Sam
I think beyond that, eventually good recovery journeys always involve other people.
00:31:02
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:31:06
Sathiya Sam
And it doesn't have to be a lot of people. You don't have to be public facing like Ken and I are with our stories. That's not really the goal.
00:31:12
Sathiya Sam
but you do need to involve at least a couple more people and what I always ask guys is who's the one person that you could tell something to and you're pretty sure they won't judge you. That's probably the person you need to start talking to about what's going on when you feel ready to do so and I think the last piece and what usually clinches it and this is present in all the success stories I've heard in my own community and in the other communities that we've maybe partnered with and that sort of thing, there's always a communal element. you There's at least a small group of guys or a larger community, there's tons of options available for you these days to plug in and to just realize you're not the only person struggling, you're not the only person going through it. you And there's probably things about your situation that feel unique like, yeah, but my wife isn't talking to me about it and whatever. And I guarantee you, if you find a community, you'll find that there's other people going through your your your story
00:32:00
Sathiya Sam
similar stories, but there's also people who have figured it out. Maybe they're a step or two ahead. And that's the incredible thing about community. And, you know, this has been a scripture heavy kind of interview.
Actionable Steps and Community Support in Recovery
00:32:10
Sathiya Sam
And I think to close it, I would say 1 Corinthians 15 33 says that bad company corrupts good character.
00:32:17
Sathiya Sam
And so there's a really good insight into that little scripture over there, which is that you can you develop all the right character and figure it all out on your own, and you could still lose progress if you're not around the right people. And so plugging into community is just, it's a great fail safe in the recovery process. Take your time, take your time finding the right people, but those would be some of the practical things I'd be thinking about.
00:32:37
Ken Freire
Yeah. Uh, Sathiya for some guys, they might be like, man, I've been trying to find community. I've been trying to find a group of people and it's been hard. for them.
00:32:46
Sathiya Sam
Mm hmm.
00:32:47
Ken Freire
Welcome through a little bit of your community and what you do, because that might be a place that they might want to come check out.
00:32:53
Sathiya Sam
Yeah. Well, I appreciate the setup, but I'll take a step back and and I'll just say, I think the most important thing, like we're in the content age. So I would just find content that you like.
00:33:00
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:33:03
Sathiya Sam
Find content from people that you trust because all the research would suggest that if you trust somebody, you're much more likely to get a good outcome from whatever service or product or offering they may have.
00:33:37
Ken Freire
Yeah, that's great, man. And that's why i always want to have as many of you guys on at podcast because it's like the way you communicate certain things might be different or just your personality, excuse me, is more trusting.
00:33:46
Sathiya Sam
Yes.
00:33:52
Ken Freire
for other people, right? So that's super important for for men. I love how you said that. And i I'll tell you, right? Because I know sometimes it's hard for guys to be like self-promoting.
00:34:02
Ken Freire
I've gotten to know Sethi. I've been following him for a while, man. I love the stuff that you are posting and the content that you are creating.
00:34:06
Sathiya Sam
Well, thanks, man.
00:34:08
Ken Freire
That's why I was like, hey, man, let's get you on the podcast. Because you are trying to get to the deep root issues for men. And I love that, right? Because there's a lot of stuff out there that is just behavior modification.
00:34:20
Sathiya Sam
Yeah.
00:34:20
Ken Freire
And kind of what you were saying earlier, maybe you could do it with your own effort.
00:34:24
Ken Freire
And I've talked to guys. They're like, oh, I did this on my own strength. That's cool, but guess what? Now you've just switched from lust and habitual sin that way to pride, right?
00:34:34
Ken Freire
And now you're just in the self-performance wheel.
00:34:34
Sathiya Sam
Right.
00:34:35
Ken Freire
You just don't know it. It's in a different direction. And now that needs to get broken.
00:34:39
Sathiya Sam
Good point.
00:34:40
Ken Freire
So I just love what you're doing, man, overall, and how you're helping guys.
00:34:40
Sathiya Sam
Yeah.
00:34:44
Ken Freire
So for those who are listening, if you're like, man, I love what Sithi is doing, I would encourage you. Go check him out on Instagram. Go check out his podcast and and reach out to him if you need help.
00:34:55
Sathiya Sam
Thanks so much, man. Thanks for having me.
00:34:57
Ken Freire
Yeah, man, absolutely. Sithi, any final words that you want to share with guys as we end our conversation here?
00:35:04
Sathiya Sam
Yeah, you know, the last thing I would say while we're kind of on the subject of content and and looking at ah content online and all that is I think we've been sold a lie that knowledge is power and I really don't believe that.
00:35:16
Sathiya Sam
I think knowledge is potential and a real power is knowledge with action.
00:35:21
Ken Freire
Hmm.
00:35:21
Sathiya Sam
And so I would challenge people who are listening to this podcast, make sure when you listen to these interviews that Ken's doing, that you're acting, just take a step, try something, doesn't have to be a huge action or a huge step, but take take action and that's where the real learning comes. you What is the scripture in James that faith without works is dead, right?
00:35:39
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:35:39
Sathiya Sam
And so I think if we're not acting on the stuff that we're learning, we're really doing ourselves a disservice. But I'd like to suggest to you that if faith without works is dead, faith with works is
Reflections on Change and Encouragement for Recovery
00:35:48
Sathiya Sam
deadly. And you'll be amazed at how God will multiply your efforts if you do them in earnest and really believing in Him for that outcome.
00:35:54
Sathiya Sam
So take an action today and see what God does with it.
00:35:57
Ken Freire
Yeah, that's awesome, man. We'll end it there. And for those of you, that one action may be, go get a journal. Just go buy one on Amazon and make it happen.
00:36:03
Sathiya Sam
Hey, there you go.
00:36:06
Ken Freire
Sathiya man, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it. I appreciate all the work you're doing. ah the things that gets me excited is when I hear that men are being free from this sin, they are now being able to see their potential of what God has called them to do.
00:36:23
Ken Freire
And, you know, earlier you said you've helped over 1,500 men. And I don't think that's just 1,500 men. That's 1,500 families. That's 1,500 legacies. That's children. That's societies. That's people that all of a sudden are being transformed because one guy decided, hey, I'm going to take my story and put it out there and start helping people.
00:36:47
Ken Freire
And that story was yours. And now you're helping 1,500 other guys find freedom. I love that man. And and just the ripple effect that you are contributing to society and what we're trying to do, you and I both of like helping men overcome this.
00:36:54
Sathiya Sam
Hmm.
00:37:02
Ken Freire
This is how we change the world.
00:37:04
Sathiya Sam
Yeah.
00:37:04
Ken Freire
And so, guys, if you're listening to this, man, don't stay trapped in the shame, the sin, the the the brokenness that you're in. There's actually beautiful glory on the other side when you decide to go pursue recovery.
00:37:19
Sathiya Sam
Well said, man. Well said. And, we, we had this little tagline in our community, which is change the man, change the world. It's literally exactly what you just said, because we know like, we're not really in the business of helping guys quit porn.
00:37:31
Sathiya Sam
We're in the business of, of guys becoming everything that God's made them to be. And we just know that they need to quit porn to do that. So you, you hit the nail on the head and, yeah.
00:37:37
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:37:39
Sathiya Sam
And that's why I love what you're doing too, man. I think this podcast is going to, is going to bless a lot and a lot of people because, we just know that when the man gets better, the world gets better.
00:37:47
Ken Freire
I love it, Sathiya thanks again being on the podcast and hope to see you in person one day. You should come to Nashville, Tennessee and come hang out with me, Ben.
00:37:54
Sathiya Sam
Let's do it man, let's do it. Thanks for having me Ken.
00:37:56
Ken Freire
All right. For all of you, Ben, you guys for listening. And again, follow Sathiya He's a great man, great stuff that he's putting out. And remember, every single day i I say this on the podcast, stay focused on killing shame, standing strong, and beyond mission. Hope you guys have a great day, and God bless.