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The Limits of Therapy in Addiction Recovery with Bryan Petkau
130 Plays1 year ago
Struggling with pornography addiction? In this episode, Ken Freire interviews Bryan Petkau, professional counselor and founder of Renewed Hope Coaching, about the limitations of traditional therapy in addiction recovery. Discover how faith-based coaching, accountability, and community can lead to lasting freedom.
Key Topics & Takeaways:
1️⃣ Why Therapy Alone Falls Short in Pornography Addiction Recovery- Traditional therapy models often lack real-time support.
- Limited check-ins (weekly sessions) leave men vulnerable between meetings.
- Professional constraints prevent faith-based integration in many counseling settings.
- Therapy can be valuable for trauma recovery but may not fully address addiction.
- Bryan transitioned from therapy to coaching to provide daily accountability and real-time check-ins.
- Community support through group sessions and private groups ensures men never feel isolated.
- Coaching offers high-touch support, focusing on biological, psychological, and spiritual healing.
- Many men believe marriage will solve their addiction, but this is a lie of the enemy.
- Feelings of shame, hopelessness, and self-condemnation often keep men stuck.
- The enemy’s goal is to destroy marriages and families, making this a spiritual battle as much as a behavioral one.
- Recognizing triggers, lies, and spiritual warfare is key to long-term healing.
- Daily accountability (first 3 months).
- One-on-one coaching for personalized battle plans.
- Weekly group meetings for shared support and encouragement.
- WhatsApp community for real-time help during moments of weakness.
- Faith-based approach integrating biological, psychological, and spiritual strategies.
Key Quote from Bryan Petkau:
"Pornography is the sharpest sword the enemy uses to destroy marriages. But when men are surrounded by real support, they can reclaim their freedom and their families."
Who Should Listen?
✅ Christian men struggling with pornography addiction.
✅ Husbands seeking to rebuild trust and integrity in their marriages.
✅ Pastors & mentors looking for resources to help men in their communities.
✅ Anyone frustrated with traditional therapy models and looking for a high-support, faith-based alternative.
🎯 Next Steps:
🔗 Learn more & work with Bryan: renewedhopecoaching.com
📢 Share this episode with someone who needs encouragement!
🙏 Remember: Kill shame, stand strong, and stay on mission.
🔔 Subscribe for more faith-driven recovery insights! 🚀
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Transcript
Intro
Introduction and Guest Background
00:00:30
Ken Freire
Welcome back to another episode. Today, I have with me the owner of Renewed Hope Coaching, where he specifically works with married Christian men who struggle with pornography.
00:00:43
Ken Freire
My special guest today is Bryan Petkau
00:00:47
Ken Freire
Bryan I'm super excited to have you. We have been connecting, texting, emailing each other, and building really this relationship because I think you and I have very kindred spirits.
00:00:58
Ken Freire
we're going to get
Limits of Therapy in Addiction Recovery
00:00:58
Ken Freire
into this. today's topic of what we're talking about is the limits of therapy in addiction recovery. So you used to do a lot of professional counseling. You've moved into the coaching world.
00:01:09
Ken Freire
But before we go too deep into
Canadian Political Landscape
00:01:10
Ken Freire
that,
00:01:10
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:01:11
Ken Freire
Bryan I want people to get to know you a little bit and I just really want them to know what's it like to be a Canadian.
00:01:15
Bryan Petkau
Sure.
00:01:22
Bryan Petkau
Yeah. Yeah. I love the question. I love the question. What's late to be a Canadian? yeah yeah Everyone's expecting me to say Cole, brother Cole. But actually, I'm a West close to Vancouver.
00:01:31
Bryan Petkau
It's actually it's really nice here, like weather wise and things. But yeah, you know what, right now we're looking toward we're I think a lot of us are looking at ah you guys right now today, you know, as we record this is inauguration day and with a bit of jealousy, to be honest with you, we're over here in Canada with literally no leadership at all.
00:01:40
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:01:48
Bryan Petkau
Like our leader has recently retired and there's nobody running this place.
00:01:49
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:01:52
Bryan Petkau
And so what's like being a Canadian right now is really a lot of kind of frustration and uncertainty, you know. So that's kind of where it feels now is we're looking at you guys and like, oh my goodness, look at this and look at what's going to, you know, everything feels very hopeful.
00:02:03
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:02:06
Bryan Petkau
You know, again, that's just the information that we're getting kind of on this side.
00:02:09
Bryan Petkau
we're praying and hoping for some similar things, you know, over here. That's kind of how it feels to be Canadian right now.
00:02:13
Ken Freire
Yeah. I know, man.
00:02:17
Ken Freire
I've talked to several Canadians are like, we have no leader. And I'm like, wow, that's weird. And I guess the legislation in Canada, you have to wait till March or something like that before you can like elect someone.
00:02:27
Bryan Petkau
Yeah, I'm not a pro on the whole thing. But apparently the you know, the Prime Minister, he knew he was in he knew he was toast.
00:02:30
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:02:33
Bryan Petkau
And there was an election, I think the next one's in in October.
00:02:34
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:02:36
Bryan Petkau
So still quite a ways away, like 10 months. And so he decides to resign and then essentially freezes our government and leadership until they can their party can figure out a new leader or whatever.
00:02:47
Bryan Petkau
Meanwhile, all the Canadians in this country are sitting here going like, are we doing? You know, meanwhile, you have Donald Trump on your side coming in and
00:02:51
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:02:55
Bryan Petkau
you need to be communicating and talking and working with and all these kinds of things. And there's, so a bit of a strange time to be a Canadian right now, man.
00:03:02
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:03:02
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:03:03
Ken Freire
Well, the topic today is not about the politics of Canada and America, but that is going to get very
00:03:05
Bryan Petkau
Sorry. Yeah, brother. Yeah. Yeah.
Personal Struggles and Journey
00:03:09
Ken Freire
interesting.
00:03:09
Ken Freire
I would say in the next year or two, let's talk about this conversation about like the limits of therapy.
00:03:09
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:03:15
Ken Freire
Before we jump into that, you know, Bryan give us a little bit of your story. How did you get to this place where you started to realize there is this limit to to therapy?
00:03:26
Bryan Petkau
Yeah. Yeah. So for me, you know, the quick, the quick cold notes, pornography was a struggle that I had, you know, for, for, for more than two decades and was coming in, you know, it was interfering with all sorts of relationships.
00:03:35
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:03:39
Bryan Petkau
I was with the woman of my dreams and things were not going well. And for me, you know, I was, I was about to lose her and that was, Hey, I need to find somebody to help me with this because I've tried on my own. And, you know, and so found actually a therapist who specialized in this area, very difficult to do that.
00:03:54
Bryan Petkau
And just God knew what he was doing. And so end up in his office and I wish I could say that the clouds parted and it was a straight line, you know, but I had to put, so while that was very good experience, I also had to put a bunch of stuff together kind of myself, you know, as I was, as I was kind of in, you know, group stuff and those kinds of, I need to be connected with others and those kinds of things. And it kind of wasn't being provided for there.
Coaching vs. Therapy
00:04:18
Bryan Petkau
I found what I, you know, I found some really good freedom. Kristin and I got married, you know, that's a whole nother story, and God, and felt called to become a helper. And so my first inclination was, I'm going to become a therapist, and I'm going to follow this path. You know, we feel like the Lord is calling us that way. So Hinton University has started to study psychology, took me nine years, finished my master's degree, specific training around sexual addictions, those kinds of things. And I opened a therapy practice of my own.
00:04:47
Bryan Petkau
very excited you to do this kind of work. And his word got out about what I specialized into my practice quickly full with a wait list around the corner. The need, as you know, is huge. And so start working with men. And I did that in my practice for five years, you know, hundreds and hundreds of men through my office and really started to open my eyes to the fact that I don't think, you know, just as I was experiencing myself as a client, like I don't think this is the best model.
00:05:10
Bryan Petkau
I think we can do better than this, you know, than the finish a 50 minute session. I'm like, okay, John, like, we'll see you next week. You know, have a great week, brother. You know, that's a lot of week with no support kind of in between these 50 minute sessions kind of in the therapy world.
00:05:22
Ken Freire
Yeah. That's, that's where a lot of guys would start to fall, right? It's like they might have a great day after that, but it's the evenings or the morning.
00:05:27
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:05:30
Ken Freire
Like there's a lot of week there.
00:05:33
Bryan Petkau
Yeah. So it's like, what is that? Six days, 23 hours and 10 minutes with no support right out of the week. And it's like, okay. And then sometimes I'd see a man, you know, at his next appointment, it'd be like, brother, how was the week? Like, ah, ah, you know, I got in the muck a few days after I saw you. And I'm like, darn, like, I wish we could have talked right before now. So start to realize, you know, I think that we can do better than that. So that's, that's really when it was starting to hit home for me is like, and I don't, maybe we'll talk about that in a little while, but For me, I knew there was something we could do better. So I started to take a step away from the therapy world and started to ask that question. It was like, okay, you know, at that point I've been doing therapy for, for five years in my private practice, hundreds of men through, through my office. And you know, stepping back and and to myself, well, okay, if I was going to put something together based on this last 14 year journey, you know, nine years of university, five years working with men, that, you know, something to together that I think would be really good for guys and not be constrained to buy all this stuff. Like, what would that look like?
00:06:31
Bryan Petkau
so that's kind of how, that's where I am now in the coaching space because it just frees up. There's a freedom there. I can do the things that are required for the results that we're trying to get versus trying to work within this framework because ethically and all these kinds of things, like you want to keep your license, you better play by the rules. Like you can't check in with your clients, like all those kinds of things, you know, kind of goes by the wayside. And so there's, there's been this freedom to do what we need to do to get the results that we need to get. And it's been, it's been a real blessing.
00:06:59
Ken Freire
Yeah. So, so besides the, not having the ability to check it, right? Cause that seems like that was the biggest roadblock or the biggest limitation to therapy.
00:07:10
Ken Freire
What was another one that you found? You're like, Oh my gosh, this is just stifling the growth of helping people.
00:07:11
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:07:16
Bryan Petkau
Yeah. So I think that, you know, and that's the model that we run, not only one-on-one therapy sessions, so as I alluded to, you know, the 50-minute here and there, I think that it's important to have community, you know, is really important too. So to be able to offer You know, we, we, we run groups, you know, guys have access to all sorts of different groups each week.
00:07:36
Bryan Petkau
They just pick times that work for them based on their busy schedules and come in. So we have that and we have like a a a private WhatsApp community, you know, and those kinds of in the moment support. So the guys are always plugged in with each other in this community.
00:07:48
Bryan Petkau
And I think, you know, in the therapy world, that would be something you absolutely could not do. Cause now we're talking about sharing information about like all of these kinds of roadblocks and red tape, if I want to put it that way, that are, that are kind of in front of you.
00:07:52
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:08:00
Bryan Petkau
So those, yeah, those are some other things and you know, providing someone with a real plan and being able to tailor it to them and having this community and those kinds of things is just stuff you can't do there.
00:08:10
Bryan Petkau
So I think like number two on that, yeah, definitely community and other men.
00:08:11
Ken Freire
Yeah. Yeah. Let's walk community though, because I can see myself as a, as a new guy. If I'm struggling. Right now you threw me into this community and I know that they're all struggling because we all are paying to hang out with Bryan and get help with Bryan How have you witnessed the community bond together or maybe challenges that they may have in trying to connect?
00:08:36
Bryan Petkau
Yeah. So it's been such a, like God is so good. So we launched this program about three years ago and, and know, the question in my mind was, okay, like here's, put this thing together. I think this is going to crash. I think it's going to do so well for men. There's only one way to find out. Let's bring some guys in and let's do this. And so then witnessing what he's done in this, like literally today in our, in our WhatsApp community, there are guys like literally right now, as we speak, there are guys who are struggling earlier and they've reached out.
00:09:05
Bryan Petkau
And they've received this other support from all these other men, you know, lifting them up, bringing them up. And then they've checked in a little later in the day and gone, you guys, thank you so much for your prayers and for just for having somewhere to come here and be plugged into. I'm feeling way better now and I'm on the path and without relapsing today and without falling back into that stuff. When I first opened the community, like I wasn't sure. I'm like, cause there's a lot of, as you know, you know, there's a lot of shame and things like this that comes with that. And.
00:09:32
Bryan Petkau
You know, before we, as we onboard men coming in, we have that kind of conversations. Like, listen, I know that there's going to be some resistance, even as there probably was reaching out in the first place, naturally, there's going to be some resistance coming to the community. And I just want to normalize that for you. And just, I want you to remember that every single man who's here had that first day in here, you know? And as you come in, you're going to see these guys with these wonderful results. Cause we run, you know, program is six months where there's like a continuation thing where guys can stay. So we've had some men with us for,
00:10:01
Bryan Petkau
couple of years now and they're, they're doing great. You know, we were celebrating 750 days clear from all this stuff or whatever. Brother, you're going to be maybe on day one or two when you come in here and just remember, it doesn't matter what or where they are. They all started with a one or a two. You know what I mean? They were all at the beginning of that journey at some point. And so coming in, just reminding of that and encouraging them, you know,
00:10:25
Bryan Petkau
and the guys are wonderful because they, I think a lot of them remember too. I remember the first time I came in, right. And you know, so it's, it's just been watching God work in this has been just so, so such
Common Struggles and Misconceptions
00:10:37
Bryan Petkau
a blessing. I don't know how else to put it. Like these men coming together, like, you know, time after time in these, in these communities, guys struggling and just being brought up by this. We use a war analogy lot by their platoon, you know, this platoon of men that their journey is just, I hope that answers the question. Sorry.
00:10:53
Ken Freire
No, no, that's great, man. And and love that just bring it up. You preempt their concerns or their worry. You're like, hey, you're going to feel like this. I love it. You're like, every guy here has had this same day.
00:11:06
Ken Freire
So as you are working with men, when they come to you, what have you found to be the predominant themes in their lives that they're struggling with and they're saying, hey, I need your help, Bryan
00:11:16
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:11:20
Bryan Petkau
Sure, yeah. Yeah, I can say like, you know, the the the story somewhere or another, most of the time, it's tough to paint with a general brush looks like, you know, I was exposed to this as an early age. I've been struggling, you know, for decades. Didn't really think when I was young, even about it much just, you know, was a thing and then end up with my with my wife ended up married.
00:11:41
Bryan Petkau
thinking that, you know, once I'm married, and here's some guys oftentimes think this, you know, once I married, this will be fine, because I'll i'll have my wife and and this stuff.
00:11:47
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:11:49
Bryan Petkau
But it's just, it's just, it's a tactic of the enemy, you know, it's just not the truth. And then so we're married for a while, maybe things are okay for a bit, and then eventually I fall back into it. And eventually, there's a discovery of some kind, you know, she finds out I promise her, Hey, you know, dear, yeah, like this stuff has been going on, you know, and I'm going to do something about this. And then maybe again, some traction, but then eventually kind of end up back there again. And then in many cases, multiple times, this cycle repeats, I'm discovered by my wife. And eventually it's, listen, you need to get this, you need to take this seriously, or else we're, we're in some trouble. We might be done. And then that's, that's when they.
00:12:27
Bryan Petkau
when they reach out and the they're ready you get some help with this program like this. So those are the themes and and I would know love for men to hear about that even deeper. And so there's kind of the timeline theme-ish, but somewhere along the line, they've learned that pornography you know, in a strange way serves some kind of purpose for them. And maybe like, maybe they haven't learned and actually that's been on the radar much until we start to uncover that stuff. But and you think of being a teenager and all of those difficult pieces, I'm in school, maybe I'm not the popular one, maybe I am, I don't know, whatever those things are and how hard it is just to grow up. Well, I know when I go home,
00:13:06
Bryan Petkau
to some degree enough for me was magazines, you know, because I'm a little bit older guy for the younger guys internet's been there. I know when I go home, there's this comfort waiting for me, you know, and it never says no. And it's kind of always there. Like in some way, it's serving these purposes as I grow and, you know, think about beyond a teenager, young man.
00:13:24
Bryan Petkau
Marry Life, I'm expected to work and all of those societal expectations, sometimes identity things that are coming up and how am I, how am I soothing that discomfort? Because there is discomfort. And so I've learned from a very young age, this is how I do it. And I just keep going back. So that if I were to start pointing at like some very consistent themes, it was, you know, how do I navigate discomfort? How do I navigate identity as a man? Like in all these things. and And oftentimes guys are so hard on themselves. You know, it's like,
00:13:54
Bryan Petkau
Joe down, sometimes, you know, Joe down the street is doing so well and I'm not doing as well and shouldn't I be better or I messed up as a father, I messed up as a husband last night, you know, I lost my temper maybe or whatever these things are. All of in us us not expecting perfection all the time and maybe us being okay with feeling, fallible. Yes, we should be working on ourselves and we wanna be the best husbands and fathers that we can be, yes. But I mean, the enemy uses all that stuff, amplify discomfort,
00:14:22
Bryan Petkau
bring us back where we know how to soothe and just kind of rinse and repeat. That's, if I were to say, one of the brushes that I'd paint there.
00:14:29
Ken Freire
Yeah. You know, Brian, it's interesting that yesterday, the day before we recorded this, I was in a men's Facebook group and I literally just posted this question. I was like, hey, why do you feel like men struggle with lust and pornography? And I kid you not, there's like over a hundred comments on it. I was like, whoa, I was not expecting that first and foremost, right? But like about a half of them was somewhere around that line where you just said this lie of like, oh, it's because I'm not married or I don't have someone or now I'm divorced or I don't have someone to be able to have these sexual intimacy encounters or to be able to release.
00:15:07
Bryan Petkau
Mm hmm.
00:15:09
Ken Freire
And I'm like, my mind, I was like, well, Jesus didn't have anyone and he was able to do it.
00:15:12
Bryan Petkau
Mm hmm.
00:15:15
Ken Freire
And there's a lot of single men that I know who are able to conquer it, but it's this lie. that we believe. So I like how you are seeing these lies as themes of like, no, no, no, that's, that's a lie from the enemy. Let's get rid of that. But there's also the second one that I thought is you, you, this whole time you didn't mention anything about like big traumatic abuse or traumatic encounters. You're like talking to the normal guy who's like, you know what? I have, I sense some purpose and pleasure
00:15:46
Ken Freire
from this situation. And I want to relieve myself or I want to find some dopamine hit. And it's like the normal guy who's constantly struggling.
00:15:53
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:15:55
Ken Freire
And now he's trying to find a way out.
00:15:58
Bryan Petkau
Yeah. Amen.
00:15:58
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:15:59
Bryan Petkau
And just as you, as you just mentioned, you know, the word trauma there, if it's okay. Cause I know that we're really going here is like where therapy falls short.
00:16:02
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:16:06
Bryan Petkau
And, you know, part of the process for us, I can't speak to to others and how they do it, but, for us is, is oftentimes you use use a boiling pot analogy, you know, when we think about the boiling pot on the stove.
00:16:15
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:16:17
Bryan Petkau
And it starts to boil over, you know, the lids on and here it goes. Well, we can quickly fix that. We can pull that lid off and blow on it or whatever, right? That's quick, quick fix. There it is kind of thing, right? And that represents like maybe some of the tools and these kinds of things you'll see like softwares and these kinds of great, these can be helpful, sure. But I think the bigger question is what is that flame underneath? Like how do we turn that down? How do we turn the heat down on the pot?
00:16:41
Bryan Petkau
right so that's not boiling over and those are things like if there is trauma history and those kinds of things and that's where in our program like we will be straight with with men after we because we screen for all those kinds of stuff and it's like he doesn't if there actually is you know, a trauma history, maybe there was some kind of sexual abuse as a kid and these kinds of things and it's kind of unresolved. It might be our, you know, what we do with you around the the pornography piece. Yes. But it also might be actually working with a trauma therapist specifically for that piece. So in conjunction with what we do. So I think therapy does have its place in many, in many instances like to this, for instance, trauma is I'm a big believer in specialization. So we specialize in helping men break free from pornography. Yes.
00:17:25
Bryan Petkau
There are people out there who are better at helping men resolve trauma. And so if that is something that is part of that flame underneath, therapy might work with this.
00:17:38
Bryan Petkau
But I think on its own, you know, that's kind of my thesis is that it's ah not enough.
Integrating Faith and Therapy
00:17:43
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:17:43
Bryan Petkau
But yeah, so great question. Like when you mentioned trauma, I just brought it to my mind.
00:17:45
Ken Freire
No, no, that's good.
00:17:46
Bryan Petkau
If you have, there is something that you need specialized help with and you should get that.
00:17:49
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:17:50
Bryan Petkau
And that should also be part of the healing process because it's terrible. You know, that's, it's very difficult.
00:17:54
Ken Freire
Yeah. Brian, I know here in the United States, one of the limits to therapy is integrating your faith.
00:18:03
Bryan Petkau
Hmm.
00:18:04
Ken Freire
counseling someone, right? Like being able to talk about Jesus freely, especially if you're dealing with unbelievers and different things like that. How have you navigated that in your therapy? And also, maybe that's why you move towards a coaching model because now you're freed up to do whatever you want.
00:18:19
Bryan Petkau
Yeah, great. So I was doing therapy and running my practice, it was well known that I was a Christian guy.
00:18:25
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:18:25
Bryan Petkau
And it would be part of my copy on the website and those kinds of things too. So we would have people, I would have people come in and I worked with many, many, like mostly Christians because I was getting a lot of people from pastors and those kinds of things.
00:18:39
Bryan Petkau
People come to their pastor and like, They're great you leading their flock spiritually and things, but not probably not equipped for this. And so they were sending people. So a lot of Christians come, but with a non-Christian, it looks different because you can't, in the therapy world, haven't helped you if you try to Christianize anybody. like That's just fact.
Holistic Approach to Pornography Addiction
00:18:59
Bryan Petkau
like Well, in Canada, anyways. If you're sitting there and go like, oh, well, maybe you need to pray more, you could get in some big trouble really quickly.
00:19:06
Bryan Petkau
with that. And so if someone comes in, and and that's part of my intake process is like, you know, do you follow any kind of specific faith? And if the answer is no, we kind of don't go there. And to be honest, it was another one of the ways I think a little bit handcuffing in that because
00:19:21
Bryan Petkau
I believe that there's, you know, there are three big components to this. There's a biological piece. We think about the neural pathways in the brain, like those kinds of things. We think about fizzy physiology when it comes to this is very excitatory on a physiological level, of course. those There's a psychological piece. Like where's this rooted? What are the stories that are operating? What keeps bringing me back there, right? On a psychological. level And then there's a spiritual aspect to this. Like this is war as we've been talking about, right? We have an enemy and If you're missing one of those legs, you know, it's like having a table, you know, missing that leg and and it's just not going to be sturdy. So it was, it's more difficult working with men where you can't go there where it's like, yeah, you know, then you're just really stuck to biological, psychological. And, you know, that's, it is, it's much harder, which is why, when I stepped out of the coaching world, I said, okay, we're going to specifically work with, with, with married Christian men, because this is the, this is a holistic program. And this is what I think is needed holistically. I've had.
00:20:16
Bryan Petkau
actually, people reach out to me and ask me to be on their podcast in the past. And they've said to me, hey, would you mind like just not talking about that Christian stuff or whatever? I'm not coming, sorry.
00:20:26
Bryan Petkau
Like, I'm just, like, it's just such a big part of what we do. Like, I just, I don't know how I'd leave that out.
00:20:31
Ken Freire
Yeah. Yeah.
00:20:31
Bryan Petkau
Hey, while you're, you know, yeah, sounds silly, but like, hey, while you're a bag of meat walking around with nothing else, like, here's the thing, like, it's just, I don't know how to speak like that. And so, yeah, so I've, yeah, not gone.
00:20:41
Ken Freire
No, no, I mean, but that's huge. And I think that's why I wanted to bring it up because I love that three component piece, right? You got biological, psychological, and spiritual, right?
00:20:49
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:20:50
Ken Freire
And if you miss one of those, you're always going to be falling.
00:20:54
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:20:54
Ken Freire
And and I found right like there are sometimes Some Christian counselors they all they do is focus on spiritual, right? And it's like that'll answer everything but like no there might be some trauma there or biological like there there are things that people deal with I'll give you a great example. I Also when I was 19, I got my thyroid removed that controls your, for those of who don't know this, this controls your metabolism, it controls some other chemicals. But one of the side effects is if I'm not careful, and I'm not like I haven't optimized my thyroid intake, I can start to get into these like depressive moods.
00:21:32
Ken Freire
And like, you know, when you are feeling depressed, sometimes you feel lonely. And if you feel lonely, then all of a sudden you are more easily accessible to temptation. Right?
00:21:43
Ken Freire
And that temptation for less. And I have found many times in my life, I'm like, I just could backtrack and look, I'm like, Oh my gosh, right now I feel really depressed. I have no idea why. Right?
00:21:53
Ken Freire
Like it was just like random. And then I just like asked myself, I'm like, have I been taking my supplements and medication?
00:21:55
Bryan Petkau
Yeah. Yeah.
00:21:59
Ken Freire
And it's like, Oh, I miss it a few days. Like it just kicks in and I realize, okay, this is just biological. I need my friends to keep me accountable to just press through this. And then once I've done it, I'm like, I'm good to go. I'm back in shape. That's not always the case. There are some cases it is spiritual, right? Like there is, like it says in scriptures, like the lust of flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, right? Sometimes it's that. Sometimes it's psychological, right? Like pain comes comes this. I say all that to ask you, Brian, how do you help
00:22:29
Ken Freire
men to determine out of those three legs, which one is the most predominant area where they are struggling with.
00:22:38
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
Tailored Coaching Program
00:22:38
Bryan Petkau
And that's in kind of the, in program, I don't want to, maybe we'll get into that later, exactly what we do, but part of it is one-on-one time with the, with the certified addictions recovery coach. And, and that's part of tailoring this to what everybody needs. Like my goodness, I wish I could just release a bunch of videos and that'd be enough for people, but it's not.
00:23:02
Bryan Petkau
So us meeting with people and actually talking about their experience and getting some of their history. So that'll be part of the, you know, the kind of the intake process and we'll put it that way. Where it's like, Hey, what is your, you know, are there any kind of mood disorders, anxiety, depression, like those kinds of things? How are you managing those right now?
00:23:16
Bryan Petkau
if you are on medications, okay, that's on the radar, how's that going? Make sure you never miss like those kinds of things. And so we just, we tailor it to each person. So if a guy's like, you sometimes I do feel some depressive symptoms, then we're battle planning. So I use the war analogy a lot, as you'll notice. So, hey, okay, what are we gonna do when that battlefield presents itself? When there's a hill to be taken here, like how are we gonna take it? And so making those plans or,
00:23:40
Bryan Petkau
If we run into somebody where it's, you know, I was very faithful when I was younger. Man, my connection with God is just really depleted almost to zero these days. Okay, well, then that's where we go. You know, we talk about that. We're like, okay, what would that look like for you to increase that? Like what lands for you? Is it devotionals in the morning? Is it church on Sundays? Is it like what what feeds you? if if you don't know, let's try some things and let's taste some things and let's see where God connects with you and those kinds of things. I guess the, the, the long answer is, you know, we tailor it to each person.
00:24:11
Bryan Petkau
And so they can, we do those kinds of screenings and we ask those kinds of questions because we want to have a really good lay of the land, you know, before we plot our course through this thing. You know, so everyone gets that unique plan, I guess.
00:24:22
Ken Freire
Got it Taylor process so so walk us through a little bit of like if someone were to come to you and say hey I need help in In I'm struggling with pornography.
00:24:26
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:24:35
Ken Freire
What's kind of like your process and how does your program work?
00:24:39
Bryan Petkau
Yeah. Yeah. So we would have an initial, like just right from initial meeting, would that be okay?
00:24:44
Ken Freire
Yeah, yeah sure
00:24:44
Bryan Petkau
Yeah. So we'd have an initial meeting with that person and we would, uh, we'd screen for fit for starters. So, you know, married Christian man. So married or in a very serious relationship, Christian guy.
00:24:54
Bryan Petkau
Okay. then, you know, good. We would, if trauma, big trauma comes up in that first conversation, we would talk about the possibility of, hey, listen, and will help you find, and I'm involved in that. Someone comes in, we'll help you find a therapy. I come from that world, so I know what to look for. So I will help you find somebody, maybe you're in your community to help with the trauma piece. We do, you know, this other piece, I think it's both. So we'll go through that. And then when a man comes in,
00:25:19
Bryan Petkau
decides, and this is the way I'll put it we it comes to the war analogies, decides to draw that line in the sand and look that enemy in the eye and go like, I'm done, you know, and then comes into this thing. Lots of different kinds of components. So overarching that, you know, that biological, psychological, spiritual, yes, but the actual nuts and bolts, if it's okay.
00:25:39
Bryan Petkau
I do. So like, number one, when when you come in, immediately you have access to what I've called our battle tested roadmap. We're calling it the porn free marriage system. Okay. So this roadmap is a series of videos and it's psychoeducational stuff. Like week number one, for instance, I'll teach you about the biological brain.
00:25:57
Bryan Petkau
how the neurochemical dopamine works, how your how your brain is working against you on a physiological level, like those kinds of things are there. Week one, we talk about the spiritual aspect, you know, as I mentioned, many times, this is war, he's the general, like, what are we doing every day, you know, to connect with command, like those kinds of things. So there's, ah ah there's, there's a, at the end of each week of this video set, there are marching orders, again, back to this war thing. And you will know, you know, the man will know exactly what to do every single day of this journey because men know what they don't want to do. Right. That's easy. Okay. But what do I do? Okay. I don't, you know, I don't want to keep hurting my wife. I don't want to keep going this way. What do I do? Here's exactly what you're going to do. And after watching the video, you know, they'll make sense what I'm asking you to do. Okay. So marching orders, those kinds of things. The second thing is, you know, in our program, you get one on one time with a pornography recovery specialist, again, specifically trained for this.
00:26:53
Bryan Petkau
That's our opportunity, as I was saying earlier, to tailor this thing to your specific needs. Because if it was just as easy as releasing videos, trust me, brother would have done that. And I don't know, bounced, I guess, like sat on a beach or whatever.
00:27:04
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:27:06
Bryan Petkau
Right. But, you know, we tailor this to each man. So you get someone on one time, uh, with a, with a specialized coach. It's a six month program that we offer and then there's continuation after that. But. For the first three months, we want, we want that man to get really good traction immediately right out of the gate. We want to get him moving. We're going to check him for the first three months. We're going to check in every single day with him to make sure that things are going well. It's very high touch, very high support. We want to get that movement right away. So we check in every day for the first three months. And if there's something going on, we get in there with you like, Hey, there is this struggle I'm having today. Then we'll get in with you and we'll coach you through it.
00:27:43
Bryan Petkau
As I often say, you know, gone are the days of the, you know, see you next week in the therapy world. Like that's all done now. We're going to bug you every single day for that first three months to make sure that you're on point. It's a six month program in total every week for that six months.
00:27:58
Bryan Petkau
We have group meetings. So lots of different group times available is way too many guys to come in on one call.
00:28:02
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:28:03
Bryan Petkau
You come to a meeting, another opportunity to check in, be with community, be with your platoon, you know, other fellow married Christian men fighting the same enemy together, you know, iron sharpens iron.
00:28:14
Bryan Petkau
Come into a group, we check in with you again. We do some recovery reflection question each week for sharing among the men. And then we battle plan in group. We're like, hey, looking forward to the next week before we meet again, what's coming up?
00:28:28
Bryan Petkau
Anything on the radar this week? You know, we have lots of guys travel for work and things. And, you know, I remember one man specifically, he's like, yeah, Tuesday night, I'm in a hotel, right?
00:28:36
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:28:36
Bryan Petkau
And that can be hard for me in that hotels, I'm by myself. And then this wonderful group, this is where community is so important. These guys, brother, what do you need Tuesday night? Like, can we phone you? Can we text you? How do we help you win on Tuesday when you're alone?
00:28:47
Bryan Petkau
So it's just beautiful thing. And then, you know, the last pieces, we have this private WhatsApp community for like in the moment support. So as I was saying earlier, you know, guys, even today, we have guys reaching out in there and there's always someone around, you know, on this WhatsApp.
00:29:00
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:29:00
Bryan Petkau
So if you need support, someone's there. You don't have to wait for a meeting. You have to wait for anything.
Challenges and Community Support
00:29:04
Bryan Petkau
So that's kind of the experience of a guy coming in just to kind of run through it really quick. Yeah.
00:29:08
Ken Freire
Yeah. It seems like there's a... the first few months, there's a lot of high touch, which is on purpose, because that's where people struggle,
00:29:12
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:29:14
Ken Freire
They feel alone, they feel very shameful about this, and they're just like the enemy loves to isolate someone, and you're like combating those things.
00:29:25
Ken Freire
I'm curious, Brian, you know, as you've been doing this now for a while and working with men, when you are building that battle plan for them, have you seen a common theme of where they fall typically so that like the listeners who are listening to this could be like, Hey, I know you might not be able to work with Brian right now, but there's this one thing that is common. Here's something I can help you with.
00:29:48
Bryan Petkau
common when I think, again, So a lot of nuances, but, know, try to grab kind of the most common one I can think of right now might be, uh, I think discouragement and lack of hope.
00:29:53
Ken Freire
Sure. Yeah.
00:30:00
Bryan Petkau
I think that, I think the enemy, well, I don't think I know the enemy does this very well where, cause he's done this for a long time. He knows how to do like, remember what's his goal.
00:30:10
Bryan Petkau
His goal is to separate husband and wife. Cause if he can do that, the family will fall.
00:30:15
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:30:15
Bryan Petkau
And as I often say pornography, this is the sharpest sword. He wants you to think that this is impossible. He wants to highlight how many times have you tried to stop now and you haven't been up like, you're never going to get this right. You may as well, like in those times of weaknesses, those times of weakness, sorry. Or maybe temptation coming up. You may as well go for it. Right. Because listen, you've tried all these times. Like it's, it's hopeless. Your wife right now is so angry at you anyways. Like you're never going to be able to do this. So I think, him dashing that hope.
00:30:44
Bryan Petkau
and really discouraging men is the biggest thing that I find. And that's where, again, the community piece, it's like, guys, here I feel like let's, and I think the way around that, or maybe to help with that, is we need to name it.
00:30:58
Bryan Petkau
We need to shine light. The enemy hates his own name.
00:31:00
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:31:01
Bryan Petkau
Like right now I'm under attack right now. This is what's happening. I understand these are coming in through my thoughts, these kinds of things. I'm feeling discouraged and hopelessness. Like we're at war. I'm right now. I'm under attack and I need to, you know, connecting with somebody to share this burden and to and have someone speak into that I think is huge.
00:31:18
Bryan Petkau
So I think discouragement, hopelessness, because
00:31:23
Bryan Petkau
Guys feel terrible that their wives are hurting because you know, on, on, on the wife side of things, common themes, you know, am I, there's no, okay. Commonly on her side, if it's okay, there's a roller coaster of emotions that comes when there's discovery in the marriage of this stuff where some days she might feel kind of okay. In other days, there might be a lot of anger and she may not even want to see your face. Like here we go.
00:31:47
Bryan Petkau
The enemy uses that for a man and goes like, look at what a piece of insert, you know, word, look what a piece of crap you are here. And look what you've done. Like this woman who you've promised to protect and all these, and maybe you're again, 99% of your life might be on point, right? And then there's this piece that's just so heavy and so deep, but the enemy uses that to beat you down and to send you into that shame and to send you into that discouragement. So if there was one thing to put my thumb on it, it would be that like have hope.
00:32:17
Bryan Petkau
Like remember who we have in this war.
00:32:20
Ken Freire
Hmm.
00:32:21
Bryan Petkau
We have the nuclear bomb, however you want to put this, right? Like the game stopper, you know?
00:32:24
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:32:27
Bryan Petkau
And so we just need to invite him in. Okay. And I don't mean to hop on a pedestal or whatever, but we need to invite him into this and remember who we have on our, on our side and who's with us. We can do all things through him.
00:32:39
Bryan Petkau
Just sometimes.
00:32:40
Bryan Petkau
Sometimes we don't think we're worthy enough and these kinds of things. and we've all, I think experienced that in some way
Spiritual Warfare and Final Thoughts
00:32:44
Bryan Petkau
or another, right? Like, Lord, like I'd love to come here now and I want to just, what do you think of me or whatever? I feel how ever you feel. And there he is. There's the enemy. Yeah, that's right. Right. He doesn't want to talk to you right now. Right. We have this idea that if we're acting out to this stuff or whatever that, oh, you know, I'm going to put God in the corner for him and he doesn't see this stuff. He knows everything. He knows everything. So invite him into this. Like let's be, let's face him toward, you know, in, in, in,
00:33:10
Bryan Petkau
This is war and he's the general and he's, he's what we need.
00:33:14
Ken Freire
Yeah. Brian, I love that analogy, right? Because we sometimes forget that we are in a spiritual warfare.
00:33:20
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:33:20
Ken Freire
And I think especially in Western context, right? We are so materialistic and it's all about naval gazing and self-indulgence that we actually forget, like, spiritual warfare is real and the enemy loves to attack us in this area.
00:33:37
Ken Freire
And just reminding ourselves like, no, no, Christ is king. He should be Lord of our lives. And we should be asking him every day, God, how can I be more connected to you? How do I fight this battle? And then how do I be more present and purposeful with my wife and my kids and just the people around me? So, Brian, this is huge. I think for men who are listening to this, I'd encourage you if what Brian is saying is resonating with you and you need that kind of high touch accountability and structure. Man, reach out to Brian. And Brian, as we wrap up here, I am curious what if someone is interested and in learning more about what you're doing and how you're doing it, what's the best way they could get in contact with you?
00:34:19
Bryan Petkau
Yeah, thanks. The best way would be to visit renewedhopecoaching.com. There's a video that goes a little bit more into the program that we run. lots of testimonials. We've had hundreds of men through this thing now. So we've got a lot of testimonials there. that would be first step. And if you feel like it's a fit, then reach out and, and, and let's, and let's have a conversation about whether or not, you know, this, this would be a fit for you. And yeah, and would be the best way to get hold of us.
00:34:45
Ken Freire
Awesome. Brian, thank you so much for breaking out of the mold. You know, when you and I first talked and you were like, yeah, I used to do therapy and now I'm in coaching. I was really intrigued because I was like, oh, I'm like, you know, there's so many people who want to go into therapy right now because they want to help. But what you realize is like, hey, the system is broken. And if we want to help people, let's not be stuck in the system. Let's what's right.
00:35:12
Ken Freire
And I love that about you and you've been so humble about it too. You're just like, man, you know, even before this call, you know, we're sharing ideas of how do we help more men, you know, break free from this. So, Brian, I appreciate you so much, man. Thank you so much for what you're doing. I won't hold it against you that you're Canadian.
00:35:32
Bryan Petkau
ah ah Thanks, brother.
00:35:34
Ken Freire
But ultimately, man, I'm excited for what the Lord is doing, man, and how many men you've gotten to help and will continue to help. So again, for those of you who are listening, I'd encourage you to check out the show notes, right?
00:35:40
Bryan Petkau
Yeah.
00:35:46
Ken Freire
Renewed Hope. What was it a a again? Sorry, what was it?
00:35:47
Bryan Petkau
Yeah. No worries. Yeah. Renewedhopecoaching.com.
00:35:51
Ken Freire
Renewedhopecoaching.com. Go check it out. Go reach out to Brian because I think that if you truly want transformation and your life to start changing, you need that support system and you need those three pillars to really be intact.
00:36:05
Ken Freire
So go reach out to him. And for those of you who are still listening, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for being a part of this. And hopefully you got some great nuggets from Brian. And as always, I always want to remind you, kill shame, stand strong and be on mission. Hope you guys have a great day and God bless.
00:36:21
Bryan Petkau
Amen.