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True Crime (1995)
62 Plays23 days ago
Welcome to week 2 of Alicia Silverstone fest! A kid detective! A definitely not guilty Johnny Drama (he's very guilty)! Carny folk! Join us in discussing a movie that thinks you're dumb enough to think for a moment that Kevin Dillon isn't the murderer.
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Transcript
Introduction & Setup
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, and open mind that Johnny Drama might not be the killer and gather around your radio.
00:00:12
Speaker
It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. ludicruder!
00:00:24
Speaker
Antithesis, mysterious and dangerous And oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the edges So if you're fatally attracted to the raciest stuff Erotic Film Club Basically instinctively crave the salacious Erotic Film Club If you want a racy movie and you're too classic or smart
00:01:06
Speaker
Before True Crime Podcast, there was Mary Giordano, kid detective.
The Murder Mystery Begins
00:01:11
Speaker
After a teen was murdered at the carnival, our kid detective has to partner with the new cadet at the police station, Johnny Drama.
00:01:19
Speaker
Is writer-director Pat Serraducci a skilled enough auteur to make us believe anyone besides Johnny Drama is actually the killer? This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, a True Crime.
00:01:33
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's Meet in the Erotic Thriller Club. As as always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here. And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions.
00:01:44
Speaker
Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would i ruin my life for this person?
Kevin Dillon's Typecasting
00:01:50
Speaker
did you watch Entourage? Of course I watched Entourage.
00:01:56
Speaker
Regardless of how you feel about it, now you saw it, you, um... only know Kevin Dillon as Johnny Drama. There's no way else to see that man. He got screeched. Yeah, i I looked through IMDb to sort of remind myself of some of his other roles, and I just, I came up with, I came up with nothing. just it i I tried to see him as someone other than Johnny Drama. I genuinely did, but I could not. It's it's all roads lead to calf implants.
00:02:29
Speaker
A hundred percent. This movie seems like a movie that the entourage crew would have made fun of Johnny drama for being in or something he would have referenced himself. It's like in 1995, bro, when I was in that Alicia Silverstone movie playing that new cadet.
00:02:47
Speaker
Never did see a tits though. but yeah I did find out later. She was like three months from being 18. That's true. She was not 18 when they made this film.
00:02:58
Speaker
ah How old was Johnny D? i don't know. he still looks 50. but No, he looked he did look young in this. He does look young, but he still looks creepy.
00:03:13
Speaker
There's nothing to be done about it. There's simply nothing to be done.
Dillon Brothers Comparison
00:03:18
Speaker
i mean, let's compare Dylans. Kevin Dillon versus his brother, Matt Dillon, in terms of who is the superior ah erotic thriller lead, Thoughts, Garrett.
00:03:35
Speaker
I mean, as far as the scenes that both of them got to do in ah their erotic thrillers, mean, clearly Matt Dillon wins. I mean, one, it was a big movie. This was straight to video.
00:03:50
Speaker
But also, I mean, look at what Matt Dillon got to do. um But hey, both with underage girls. but i i don't ah I don't think that's a positive. That's not a positive. I'm not giving that as like a check of like, both are cool.
00:04:06
Speaker
Both equally cool. I think this would be interesting, though. Oh, I'm sorry. Please, you go ahead. Oh, I was just going to say that you might for half a second believe Matt Dillon is not a murderer.
00:04:23
Speaker
There is no world in which you believe that Kevi Dillon is not murderer.
Red Herrings & Misleading Clues
00:04:29
Speaker
That's true. I mean, looking at the poster, I just assumed he was the killer. So then is the movies going and is like, it's not him. It was like, shut up. It is. why At the last minute, they tried to throw in another red herring. They were like, oh, our original red herring was really, really bad because it was a guy with literally one hand.
00:04:55
Speaker
One functional hand. Maybe that's a little on the nose. So what I was going to present while we were talking about him, do you think if we pulled up photos of the entire Dylan family that they all just have guilt face?
00:05:17
Speaker
It's possible. It's genuinely possible. Or it's possible they've all done terrible crimes, and that's why they have that face. Don't rule it out that this is a natural consequence of of their lives and not a genetic trait.
Was it a Nightmare on Elm Street Film?
00:05:35
Speaker
my My second question is, do you think Pat Verducci... who he had only made one other film than this, never did it again. ah Because nailed it the first time.
00:05:48
Speaker
Yeah, I was going to say, it if you've made perfection, just ah go ahead and get out on a high note. pullla ah To Kill a Mockingbird, you know? Do you think that he wrote this or something happened where he was trying to make this a Nightmare on Elm Street movie?
00:06:07
Speaker
The ability to use Freddy Krueger got taken away and he had to do a rewrite, but they still had the Nightmare on Elm Street sets.
00:06:16
Speaker
You know, it's maybe because you're not wrong about that. it does. Yeah. Well, we've got a creepy fairgrounds.
00:06:30
Speaker
You watch two carnies fucking a boiler room in a pile of trash. Yeah. the finale's in a boiler room he comes to her in the dreams over and over again throughout the movie true someone was like what freddy krueger but sexy and then i didn those calves on freddy krueger bro he's all that dream running making his legs look good i got these bird legs
00:07:07
Speaker
Oh lord i find it hard to To take his face very seriously as a ah sexy man Dressed in all black Stalking across your lawn to kiss you i just a Christian Grey he ain't You know what I mean?
Johnny Drama: A Comedic Performance
00:07:33
Speaker
So I do want to say this. I mean, regardless of how we all feel about Entourage now, he was very good as Johnny Drama. He was like very funny as Johnny Drama.
00:07:44
Speaker
Absolutely. he was he He nailed it. That character brought me endless joy. I'm not saying i think Kevin Dillon sucks. I'm saying Kevin Dillon can't escape his guilty face.
00:07:58
Speaker
No, he cannot. and And therefore, it is the movie's Sisyphean task to try to convince you that literally... anyone other than him could possibly be the murderer.
00:08:14
Speaker
And you never really do. Like, it tries really hard. Again, and that last second, uh, uh, maybe the the lady carny did it, does not work.
00:08:26
Speaker
Does not function at all. It is a whole movie of trying to pin crimes on carnies. Yes. But no carny face can out Dylan Dylan's face.
00:08:38
Speaker
It's so true, though. But seriously, our our most maligned subculture, carnies, are really being put under the microscope here, which is why it's genuinely funny to me that it takes, you know...
00:08:57
Speaker
a kid detective so to say, hey did anybody look at the carnies?
00:09:05
Speaker
What if it was the carnies that did it? I mean, they're traveling. They're living off of a fried processed foods.
Streaming & Title Mishaps
00:09:15
Speaker
So that's mentally doing those funnel cakes will turn you to murder.
00:09:21
Speaker
Okay, so going back to the beginning, you and I both watched this film on Tubi. I assume you watched it on Tubi. I didn't know where else to find this. I think, I don't know if it happened with Tubi or what's the other ah free streamer that's worse than Tubi?
00:09:36
Speaker
Freebie?
00:09:40
Speaker
who cares whatever it's the ah whatever the other one was we watched another movie for i had started a movie on it and it presented me with the wrong movie and it took me like five minutes of watching it to realize I'm watching the wrong film and with this one it really caught me off guard because I wasn't paying attention to the names at first as I was like getting my my stuff set up and I looked up and saw the title Dangerous Kiss on my screen Yes, I, yes. Thank you for warning me that that was going to happen, because I absolutely would have backed out and and tried to double-check that I was watching the right movie.
00:10:20
Speaker
Because, yeah, the movie opens with the very dramatic black-and-white, fairground, sad girl, and then, boom, dangerous kiss. Wait, what?
00:10:33
Speaker
Something I didn't notice on the first go-round. I didn't notice that I'm supposed to think this girl's in the eighth grade. That makes all of this like somehow even worse to me.
Age Gaps & Character Portrayals
00:10:45
Speaker
the way The not having moved from junior high to high school. Wait, what? Not Alicia, but the girl who was murdered. Oh, yes. I did realize that, which does make all of this way weirder and worse, for sure. It's so much worse. Like, I don't know why, like, that couple years really, you know, tweak it in your head, but because it's still child murder regardless.
00:11:11
Speaker
This is true. Whether she is 13 or 14 should not make that big of a difference. Yeah. And yet, it kind of does.
00:11:22
Speaker
Also, the fact that her sister, ah Alicia Silverstone's sister, is also in middle school, and she's the one who gets caught with birth control, and she's the one hiking her skirts up.
00:11:36
Speaker
She's Stephanie Tanner's friend in Full House who's like getting caught smoking cigs and shit in the bathroom. once again, she got screeched as well, because that's all she can play is Naughty Teen.
00:11:49
Speaker
She's good
Alicia Silverstone: True Crime Enthusiast
00:11:50
Speaker
at it. She's got the right pouty face for it to be yelled at by your mom, I feel like. But Alicia Silverstone is introduced to us as the best kind of teen. The one who was unfortunately born in the wrong time because...
00:12:07
Speaker
She has to listen to the police radio and read true crime magazines and cut things out of newspaper clippings. When this girl was born for the true crime podcast era.
00:12:23
Speaker
That's what I'm wondering because the original title, I'm wondering if this was more recently retitled true crime to fit with what's going on now.
00:12:33
Speaker
Because on Tubi, it's got the brand new Lionsgate logo. like So it looks like Lionsgate maybe purchased it, retitled it. Because like I said in the intro, she is our original true crime podcaster.
00:12:48
Speaker
If she had the option to podcast in 1995, she wouldn't be out there Batman-ing. She would just be doing a podcast. She would be so much safer because she would be indoors as all true podcasters should be.
00:13:05
Speaker
Her closet poopoo With the murder filing cabinet? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. can look Like, look at this let's break down her secret fucking police station she's got in her closet that her mom doesn't know about.
00:13:21
Speaker
She genuinely does. And yes, her mom does not know about about any of this. She's got it all locked away in secret cabinets and whatnot. false wall.
00:13:32
Speaker
Like, yeah the mom has to know that there was a false wall built into their home. I don't know. Mom seems like she's not a hundred percent. ah I think mom's got her hand full with the eighth grader who ah is hiking up her skirts and she found birth control on and is not paying enough attention to her murder obsessed older daughter.
00:13:58
Speaker
And that's a classic mom mistake, you know, to be so focused on the girl that you think is having you know pre preteen sex and not worrying enough about your daughter who is fat man and trying to yeah vigilante like what do you prefer as a parent would you prefer that your kid be um fucking under your nose or batman in at night i
00:14:29
Speaker
I want to say that the girl who's fucking is taking more precautions than the one who's Batmanning because the one who's fucking has birth control. The one who's Batmanning has one can of mace that she never uses again because the cops take it away, I guess, once they find out she has unregistered mace and accidentally maced a cop.
00:14:53
Speaker
And I did not know that was a thing.
Vigilante Activities
00:14:56
Speaker
I still don't know that it is I think this movie is very dumb and makes like needs me to believe. Okay. Okay.
00:15:05
Speaker
She's Batman-ing and she doesn't even have the hockey pads.
00:15:12
Speaker
She's not that kind of kid kit. She's not in field hockey. She's not in ladies sports. She's Batman on the side. the the two dumb, dumb things that this movie needs me to believe quickly and to follow for the movie, for it to...
00:15:30
Speaker
proceed as a regular movie one that i don't think kevin dylan is capable of murder he is there's just folks he's already a problem already a huge leap to try to ask your audience to make two that alicia silverstone is ugly Yeah.
00:15:52
Speaker
ah Well, in fairness, when she asks her friend, like, am I ugly? Her friend says no. And she says, why can't I get a date? And she says, because within like five minutes, you're talking about five different types of head wounds.
00:16:08
Speaker
And I don't know, Garrett, I was never a teenage boy. Would that be, you know, a real deal breaker for you if someone as beautiful as Alicia Silverstone started talking about crime too much and her her Batman activities?
00:16:27
Speaker
I think for a horny teen, someone less attractive than Leisha Silverstone could get away with it. I think that at a certain point, you're just like, yeah that's super interesting.
00:16:40
Speaker
yeah i'm I'm saying boys are gross. Boys are gross. Boys are Johnny Drama. This is true. Stay away. Stay away from boys. Hang out with your your cool, you know, cigarette smoking type ah friend who's throwing rocks at your window to get you to come party in the middle of the night.
00:17:00
Speaker
Yeah, back to that opening scene of her and her Batman cave. Her friend pulls up blasting music out of a convertible with other teens and she is whispering Mary next to the convertible that is absolutely blasting fucking music.
00:17:16
Speaker
like I could barely hear her say Mary. Genuinely hilarious because that girl was drunk.
True Crime Magazine Headlines
00:17:23
Speaker
Did you happen to look at any of the headlines on the true crime magazine she was reading in her closet?
00:17:31
Speaker
I did. Is there one in particular you want to point out? Oh, you're goddamn right you know there is. go ahead and you read my favorite. No, I didn't write it down. Oh, you didn't write? I wrote them down. ah Because one, the true crime magazine looks like maybe it could also be a porno mag, with but you read it for the stories. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
00:17:52
Speaker
Hot lady cop firing a gun angrily on the cover. Some headlines, we've got confessions of breast-fondling priest. Mm-hmm.
00:18:04
Speaker
Carnival carnage frenzied mutilation. For a lady cop, love was blind and deadly. i did remember that. Love was blind and deadly. Man, that crime magazine kind of gives away everything. It's got carnies.
00:18:21
Speaker
It's got falling in love and then having the person that you love be a murderer. And it's got, ah wait, what was the third one? Oh, f fondling priest.
00:18:32
Speaker
Yeah, we got nuns. Deleted scene. Deleted scene.
00:18:40
Speaker
And she has stacks of these true crime magazines. Stacks. And a filing system. Oh, yeah. she's The next morning when we see her getting ready in her a Catholic schoolgirl uniform.
00:18:54
Speaker
So for some pervert, this is a very sexy movie because you're just watching Catholic schoolgirl solve crime. And that is absolutely somebody's kink. There's just no way it's not.
00:19:06
Speaker
I do love that this girl is so uncool that she wears little shorts under her skirt. Her sister's like, can you see my butt?
00:19:16
Speaker
Like, maybe that would be a good thing if you could. And Alicia Silverstone is wearing is wearing shorts underneath. She's that girl. When mom finds the birth control, we have to talk about this. She immediately goes after the little sister and is, you know, reading her the riot act.
00:19:35
Speaker
And Alicia Silverstone, good big sister, comes in and takes the heat and says, it's mine. And her mom gives her a look and she says, well, it's not mine. It's Liz's or whatever, but I'm hanging on to it.
00:19:49
Speaker
Her mom does not question this at all. and Well, she would never lie. yeah She's the good, ugly daughter. The good, ugly daughter that would definitely not need birth control.
00:20:03
Speaker
And ah
00:20:06
Speaker
i was a fairly lame teenager, but I don't think I was ever lame enough that if my mom...
Sibling Cover-Up
00:20:13
Speaker
ah heard me say I was holding birth control for someone else that she wouldn't at least question whether it was mine.
00:20:24
Speaker
What are you using these for? I know no one's fucking you. You've got glasses and a ponytail. Yuck. Yucky, yuck. Yuck.
00:20:37
Speaker
And you don't think I know about your your Batman layer up there? I've seen those magazines. No one's fucking that weirdo. ah Listen, I got enough of a handful with your sister.
00:20:49
Speaker
You can have your weird little encyclopedia brown murder cave. That's all handle. You've problems with the brother, too. Like, this mom is actually doing a very terrible job. And maybe sex sister is actually the best of the three.
00:21:06
Speaker
You might be. Well, We see the brother. hes He's playing Doom. Loved that for him. listen's and um Listen to some Motorhead. Not Motorhead. Machine Head, I think he was.
00:21:17
Speaker
And ah but ah hacking into the DMV website. On his dial-up internet. On his dial-up internet. Can he hack anything?
00:21:29
Speaker
Or specifically, does he just have access to the DMV? mike qui I did wonder if maybe mom works for the DMV and that was like a subplot that they just didn't have time for or something.
00:21:43
Speaker
Because the only thing we see him hack into is the DMV. It is true. And he has like a little sheet of paper like this series of numbers gets me to the DMV and I have it written down.
00:21:54
Speaker
I think that actually... Where they're like, no one's going to question this. Who gives a shit? he's a Jurassic Park's already been out. We know interactive CD-ROMs, computer hacking's a thing. Teams know how to do it.
00:22:05
Speaker
this was this Was this the same year as the movie Hackers, I believe? Point is, yeah. ah Computers are magic.
00:22:15
Speaker
This kid, though, the brother like in his leather jackets later, smoking cigs. like he's a He is the cool brother. Yes. And admittedly, Mom is a ah widow.
00:22:27
Speaker
Dad was a police officer killed in the line of duty. And so she's got these three ah unruly teens under her roof.
00:22:38
Speaker
And... She's only got so much bandwidth, as it were, handle them.
00:22:47
Speaker
We find out that dad died in in a moment where we're like, i need I needed that piece of information immediately. Because Alicia Silverstone continues to go to the police station throughout this movie and harass the chief of police.
00:23:03
Speaker
Bill Nunn, a.k.a. Radio Raheem, also a cop in Save Me. Same year. He did both movies in the same year. Man has a natural, oddly enough for ah the fact that he got, you know, had his breakout role as Radio Raheem. He's got good cop face.
00:23:23
Speaker
He's got real good face for i ain't got time for this shit. This is true. I love that this is actually a very funny thing that they came up with. that they They're like, well, it's a kid detective movie, but we need to have a scene Over and over again, like where the police chief is angry at Riggs and Murtaugh and lethal weapon. Turn in your badge and gun, but instead of a gun, it's unregistered mace.
00:23:51
Speaker
And instead of a badge, it is a true crime magazine. Adults really don't want kids to be safe in this. No mace, no birth control. Right?
00:24:02
Speaker
Right? Thank you. What the fuck? I mean, yeah it was a different time. It was a different time. Where you could cast an underage kid in a movie to make out with Johnny Drama.
00:24:14
Speaker
um In many ways, I do not miss the
Portraying Nerdiness
00:24:18
Speaker
90s. Yes, and and I do love that in order to try to make herself seem more nerdy and unattractive, Alicia Silverstone's best idea for how to get this across, since she has gorgeous blonde hair, beautiful features, perfect skin, big pouty lips, is to blink a lot and squint all the time.
00:24:45
Speaker
it It worked. It worked, Kit. It was a character decision that worked and I will argue in her favor that she's a good actress and she made me believe like every time she made like her facial tics of like, was like, oh, this fucking dork.
00:25:01
Speaker
that Yeah, I wouldn't date her either. In high school, absolutely. As a Johnny Drama-aged man, assuming that me and Johnny Drama are the same age in this movie, even though he's maybe supposed to be 20.
00:25:16
Speaker
unclear how old he is supposed to be, which I guess is the point, because he is a cadet ah training at the police academy, presumably.
00:25:29
Speaker
And we do find out later that he did lie on his application, though. So presumably... You start off thinking he might be a year or two older than her, and she's a senior in high school about to graduate, and he's you know early in his police three ah training. He's not even at the career stage.
00:25:51
Speaker
So like theoretically, this could be a kosher relationship. It is not. I just mathed to see how old he was.
00:26:02
Speaker
Yeah, and? you He was 30 when they made this movie. o i mean, he he, to Johnny Drama's credit, could have easily been 20.
00:26:17
Speaker
But knowing that he's not is way worse than the 30-year-old was making out with a 17-year-old this movie set. That's yucky. That's big yucky. At least she didn't show her tits. I'm glad she didn't show her tits.
00:26:32
Speaker
This is really showing me, though, that like this child... because this came out the same year as the babysitter and the crush was like the year before this child made three erotic thrillers four turning eighteen before turning before turning 18 this is like not i mean This is arguably an erotic thriller. And same with The Babysitter.
00:26:57
Speaker
And The Babysitter more so, I guess. The Babysitter's definitely more erotic than this. This is more noir. but yeah But I do appreciate that even in her dream sequences, even in her fantasies, she's wearing like a Victorian nightgown.
00:27:12
Speaker
like Yeah. She's not putting on negligee for this movie. Yeah.
00:27:20
Speaker
Let's get into the introduction of Johnny Drama's character so that we can get into them solving a crime together. Sure, sure. Let's. She sees Johnny Drama from what I assume is a school swimming pool, who is like or maybe a public, I don't know. I guess it was a community pool, but he was lurking.
00:27:39
Speaker
He's lurking outside a fence, looking guilty as fuck. Oh, God, yeah. yeah She looks over and he is talking to two visibly young girls and saying things like, you know, you shouldn't be talking to strangers.
00:27:55
Speaker
ah actually I think that was a pretty good Johnny drama, to be honest. I think I got in in my head. I was like, I just nailed that voice. I don't know if can replicate. You just got to get into the the mind of of Johnny drama. Yeah.
00:28:09
Speaker
That's a great name. He really should have just changed his name after that. that's ah You can't go back. Once you realize that the perfect name for you exists, you might as well just go for it instead of being, wait, which Dylan?
00:28:24
Speaker
You know. Here we are dead naming Kevin Dylan.
00:28:35
Speaker
Be respectful. Please, bro. It's drama now.
00:28:41
Speaker
but So she follows Kevin Dillon through some train tracks, through a field, and photographs him in his his house. And now, over the next couple scenes, Johnny Drama is stalking Alicia Silverstone.
00:28:55
Speaker
I don't think there's another way to put it, where you're like, oh, I fear for her.
Crawling & Carny Insults
00:29:00
Speaker
She runs at one point to get into the house. And her sister is so funny, and being like, what are you doing? Because she's, like, ducked down beneath the window, crawling around on the floor.
00:29:12
Speaker
It's very good. Her sister's very funny. She's sitting on her bed listening to essentially serial killer recordings. Yes. Recordings of like police interviewing somebody on cassette. Confessions. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:29:28
Speaker
And while she's doing this... Yeah, go ahead. amount work she had to put in cannot be understated. This is ye olde times. ah She had to physically...
00:29:39
Speaker
Keep track of all of this material, the the confessions, the newspaper clippings, all of this is painstaking work.
00:29:51
Speaker
But while she's listening to this for fun, she is also reading a book on how to pick locks and practicing on a ah lock she has. Yes. And I just I love that we know she's always honing her skills.
00:30:05
Speaker
Yes. there's We can't say she's a bad detective and we can't say that she isn't serious about getting good at her craft. you know like improve Right. Well, she's the only one who sees that, you know, a girl has been killed in ah bunch of different cities up and down the West Coast.
00:30:26
Speaker
And she's the only one who notices that they're all on the same... day, the last Friday of the month, every fucking month. And that also they correlate perfectly with a carnival being in town that day.
00:30:46
Speaker
Which is funny because it just means like Johnny Tramas like following carnivals. And just like, i like to eat a corn dog before I make a child drink bleach. oh God. When you see the card of what happened to this, girl it's like upset. Like it is bad. Really upsetting. It's very upsetting.
00:31:06
Speaker
A flash card she made for herself on this crime that said forced to drink bleach dismembered body parts mailed to parents. Ouch. Johnny drama sucks in this movie.
00:31:20
Speaker
Johnny drama sucks a lot. The movie tries so hard to make it not to to to to make you think it could be not him.
00:31:31
Speaker
But the second she lays eyes on him, her gut and our says, that's a murderer. it's the movie does feel like a waste of time at a certain point because it's just like, how many weird looking carnies can we blame this on?
00:31:49
Speaker
and Infinite number. There is a really funny moment when the carny lady that we meet, Roxanne, tells our lead that she doesn't... Something about how she doesn't like pretty little rich girls.
00:32:03
Speaker
And I was like, rich? this This girl's dad was a cop, and I think her mom works at the DMV. She ain't... Oh, we're comparing her to a carny.
00:32:14
Speaker
Okay, yeah, no, she is a rich girl. Like, if you... If you are grading on a curve, no shade to carnies, you know, some, some shade to carnies.
00:32:25
Speaker
bit i Okay, actually, some shade to carnies. A little carnies story for you. I have hated carnivals since I was a little kid because was a chubby little boy, and I was walking by a game, and this carny said, hey, Porkchop, you want to play this?
00:32:40
Speaker
And ah that's a terrible sales pitch. And also, um i had I had body image issues from a young age, and Porkchop was like, well, the carny thinks I'm fat.
00:32:52
Speaker
Well, the carny thinks I'm fat, too. Oh, my God. And you better believe my friends with me made fun of me for that afterwards. oh if If murders start popping up around me and I'm pinning it on carnies, maybe look in to see if it's me.
00:33:12
Speaker
i appreciate the heads up. Yeah. I don't know why he thought that was going to entice you to come play his game that somehow he thought you'd be like, what me?
00:33:25
Speaker
Oh, Oh, yeah, yeah, I would love to win giant... this looks like a little boy with tits. Do you want to play the balloon popping game? I do want to play the balloon popping game. I do want to win a giant plush Sonic the Hedgehog. How did you know?
00:33:41
Speaker
oh now I'm like sitting here like teary-eyed. We have to do like a... I've never brought that up in therapy. That's something that... This movie's unlocking things in me, Kit. Oh, my God. Thanks, Johnny Drama.
00:33:56
Speaker
he It is a good plan on his part, though, to be like, yeah I'll just blame it on carnies. And also, they she thought she was rich because carnies are kind of um visibly unclean in this film.
00:34:09
Speaker
And she looked freshly bathed. That is what... I do love that it seems like... ah Johnny Drama's plan from the beginning is, well, I'll blame it on Carnies. I will follow along you know with the carnival and do all my murders there. It's just that the cops are so incompetent that his frame job doesn't even work until Encyclopedia Brown is on the case.
00:34:38
Speaker
And her breaking into Johnny Drama's house, because, I mean, throughout this movie, they they become a team. it's a It's a little boy and little girl team. They have a great meet-cute where she is ah buying groceries for her mom. At the gas station. At the gas station. With a shopping cart. With a shopping cart.
00:34:58
Speaker
And no one has ever been more suspicious while buying orange juice. She's like walking backwards down the aisles and darting her head around, looking in every corner.
00:35:09
Speaker
And then somehow still manages to back into him and maces him right there in the store. And that's when ah she finds out he is a cadet.
00:35:21
Speaker
And he followed her, he claims, because he saw her leave the police station and he thought she must be a friend of the victim. Maybe she knows something. I also want to solve this case, even though I'm not allowed to solve the case.
00:35:35
Speaker
Reason being, I guess, that he thinks it'll help him make detective earlier if he solves a crime while he's still a cadet. They walk home on the train tracks together and she's like leading him by the T-shirt because he is still functionally blind.
00:35:53
Speaker
And I do not know why they are walking home on the goddamn train tracks. Well, we know that is the way home because we saw him walk the train tracks to get home from the pool. So all train tracks live to Johnny drama. Oh, that makes sense.
00:36:08
Speaker
ah Yeah. you Maybe don't walk the blind man down the train tracks. Right. That seems unsafe. You could walk next to the train tracks. You realize like that's a thing you can do.
00:36:20
Speaker
Pro tip. Since you said her in the convenience store looking suspicious, I can't get the, ah did you watch parks and rec? No, I have not seen parks and rec.
Convenience Store Confusion
00:36:30
Speaker
Jenny Slate's character in that, there's a there's a moment like, don't be suspicious. Don't be suspicious.
00:36:36
Speaker
I'm just picturing both of them singing that in their heads. like Both of them, yes. That's the theme of the movie. Because they were both sort of stalking each other.
00:36:47
Speaker
yeah and... it Now she's breaking into the records department and in the and making secret photocopies, making use of them lockpicking skills.
00:36:59
Speaker
What Kevin Dillon brings to the table is ah he is merely a cadet and already familiar with enhanced interrogation techniques. Yeah.
00:37:11
Speaker
Yeah, he is. yeah They're interviewing Minimart guy, who is one of the last people to see the victim alive. And he does he the part where he's like, you guys aren't cops is really good.
00:37:29
Speaker
And ah Kev puts him in ah like a weird arm a hold and starts physically harming him to get answers from him.
00:37:41
Speaker
His reaction to them not being cops is correct, though, because here's the thing, folks. If you were approached by somebody dressed as Britney Spears in Hit Me Baby One More Time video, naturally you're going to think not a police officer. Not a police officer. This child's 15, maybe.
00:38:00
Speaker
um Also very ugly. Too ugly to be a police officer. Yeah. Yeah. It's actually kind of a shame this didn't become like a 15 movie series of Kid Detective.
00:38:17
Speaker
Looking back is what was Johnny Drama thinking when he decided to go all ah ah police brutality on this man? He's the killer.
00:38:29
Speaker
Why should he want to get more information out of this man?
00:38:37
Speaker
It's to throw off this little girl because as he walks away from beating up this this man at the the convenience store, he the way he walks out of there, the direction had to have been, now walk like you're the Terminator.
00:38:54
Speaker
just blank faced like I just did it and then she's like well you didn't have to beat the shit out of me do you think that people treat cops well in this world is they're all just giving us donuts and parades and shit they're not gonna tell you anything unless you are like the guy in cruising and you come in half naked dressed a sexy cowboy and you beat the shit out of somebody that's the only way to get answers in this world and I ain't fucking gay so I'm gonna hit him
00:39:24
Speaker
I will skip the sexy cowboy part. but You will not. It's so, this movie really says something too about the police recruitment process. Oh yeah. A police officer. Because in the end, he just has an alias and that's how he got cop job.
00:39:44
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. and And he's like, so whose fingerprints did you use for the application? I'm like, what do you mean? Did you did you just let people mail in their fingerprints for this? When I got fingerprinted to work at a high school, I had to go and get my fingerprints taken in front of a witness at the police station.
00:40:05
Speaker
And you're telling me that that these guys can go become cops and all they have to do is just mail in a card and and everybody just sort of assumes, I bet they didn't cut off some ah dead kid's hand and use those fingerprints.
00:40:18
Speaker
See, that's a scene. That's a scene. To see him like futzing around with a pile of fingers in his pocket. Where he's like, he's like trying to sneakily do it, but it's like dropping them and it actually the fingers don't even match.
00:40:34
Speaker
He's trying to figure out which one is which. It's even harder than faking your drug test. yeah Then you can just like put the strap, the the pee to your leg and, you know, faking the fingerprints way harder.
00:40:50
Speaker
Chief, we found this guy. We found this guy in the training room with a pocket full of fingers.
00:40:57
Speaker
Also, did they not check that this man doesn't exist? Did they not look at any other forms of record keeping? They don't care about his social security ah number?
00:41:09
Speaker
They don't care about his ah driver's license or anything?
00:41:16
Speaker
This guy is handsome, white, and looks like he's capable of brutality. Presumably, he had to submit, like, transcripts from high school so to get into the police academy.
00:41:32
Speaker
Where did he get those? Probably paid her computer hacker brother to forge some shit.
00:41:40
Speaker
he paid No, it's ah it all is like these are all questions the movie doesn't want you to ask. Yes, um because he got like it's in like, yeah I get like you're a cop on the inside ends up being the serial killer, whatever.
00:41:54
Speaker
But logistically, that would have been very fucking hard. I think. Well, for someone who has already done time in prison specifically, like I'm not saying that like there couldn't be a serial killer who's also a cop.
00:42:12
Speaker
It's just that presumably it would have to be one who hasn't been caught before. Yeah. I don't think that's that complicated of a concept, but I don't know.
00:42:26
Speaker
What I know? Let's get to the part where they are going to the carny to investigate him. Yes. And you mentioned, he has a fucked up hand. Oh, he has a fucked up hand. He has a rabbit foot charm attached to his belt.
00:42:44
Speaker
He has a tattoo of a bat on his back and a scorpion tattoo on his neck. This man could not be...
00:42:54
Speaker
more suspicious or more carny if he tried you aren't wrong and it's funny because kevin dylan's like whoa bro he's got a fucked up hand because he does he does it's very fucked up it is very plastic looking it is bigger than a normal hand longer than a normal hand and uh i assume it wasn't a genetic mutation and then he got it like Oh, caught. Working that ride. Yeah. 100% that thing got caught in machinery.
00:43:25
Speaker
they They have a ah philosophical difference on whether ah people do bad things because because they have reasons or if they're just cray cray. And it does seem like the movie comes down on the side of people be cra cray cray.
00:43:41
Speaker
You said that, that they do have philosophical differences because this child, I'm trying to find the quote in my notes. She believes that murder is a cry for help.
00:43:58
Speaker
And ah but she's like, you can rehabilitate them. We just got to figure out why they murdered and then they can be bad. That's not how that works. Well, don't worry. She's disabused of that notion before becoming a police officer so that we have another cop on the streets with a gun, PTSD, severe PTSD, and a belief that people who commit crimes are inherently chaotic and have no reason for what they do other than the pure love of chaos and destruction.
00:44:34
Speaker
and I think that's exactly what we need on our streets, don't you, Garrett? Is another cop who's ready to snap at any second? This movie really is a commentary on...
00:44:45
Speaker
yeah brah yeah so yeah they stalk the carny and he they see him ha ah meet up with a lady in a little sexy slip uh Freddy Krueger's fuck palace here at the this is apparently an abandoned recycling plant there is broken glass everywhere it is a trash building it is a boiler room trash building And you know what? Maybe that's what the Kearney and Maybe that's what they're into. And who am I to tell them not to?
00:45:19
Speaker
When he fucks this woman, she looks like she's visibly in distress. But it is also because they're fucking in a pile of trash. Yes, that might be why. in the car outside it doesn't have to be in the boiler room had the same thought i was when they got out and got into their separate cars I was like okay her VW bug is a little small but you absolutely could have fucked in the back of his shitty sedan he's like oh haven't seen my back seat it's ah way worse than the broken glass factory hey just second I'm gonna grab a fridge cig real quick
00:45:58
Speaker
do What the fuck is a fridge cig? oh Diet Coke. Yeah, the and best thing the internet's given me lately is ah referring to these as a fridge cig.
00:46:11
Speaker
Yeah. Anyway, so they're feeling i'm pretty good about their ah Encyclopedia Brown. Well, i guess now they're together, so they're the Hardy Boys. So they feel good about all of their Hardy Boys investigation, and now it's time for them to do it.
00:46:28
Speaker
Sex? right Yeah, they're going to do the sex. They do do sex. They understand that you can fuck in the back of a car, unlike the carny, who is not familiar with the concept. So she's been fantasizing about kissing him, and they do kiss in his apartment, which he immediately offers this child a beer. Yeah.
00:46:49
Speaker
I know, right? And I was like, wait a minute, and I did double check. ah Yes, the drinking age was raised to 21 everywhere in the United States by the end of 1988, so he is a cadet, which means he is presumably, if he went into the police academy right out of high school, he shouldn't be of drinking age either, so that should have been a red flag to her of of why and how does he have beer. Right.
00:47:17
Speaker
ah There are some confusing moments throughout this because him giving her a beer immediately makes you feel like gross. This is a child. He is definitely going to try and fuck this child.
00:47:31
Speaker
Yes. She kisses him. He does kiss for a few seconds and then it's like, no, no, we can't do this. You're a kid. And then she runs away.
00:47:42
Speaker
she's like, I'm ugly, isn't it? I know I'm ugly. Yeah. ah no um ugly And his defense in court will be if I didn't fuck her, it would have ruined her self-esteem.
00:47:56
Speaker
I did this for the self-esteem of the child. Your Honor, it was my responsibility as the adult in the room to make sure that she did not have low self-esteem.
00:48:09
Speaker
I'm a feminist. feminist. i am umminis And I support police recruitment. by making sure this woman has high self-esteem. Blue lives matter. Teen feelings matter.
00:48:22
Speaker
that Pocket full of fingers. Now go ask your sister where she gets her birth control because you're going to need some, presumably.
00:48:35
Speaker
I did feel bad for her when she because she wants the sex. But then later she is crying in the shower and staring at her crucifix necklace because, you know, he's Catholic school girl.
00:48:47
Speaker
She disappointed Jesus. And i don't know, man, Catholic school mess you up that way. Let's get to her breaking into drama's house. Right, right, right. So the cop drags her out to see a dead body so that she won't stay out late and but worry her
Police Chief's Deterrent Tactics
00:49:04
Speaker
mom anymore. Can we please mention that?
00:49:07
Speaker
You're right. that's Absolutely don't gloss over that. she Don't gloss. up you i Thank you for bringing that up. That's a fucked up scene. that Yeah. this is like This is the equivalent of your parent catches you smoking and makes you smoke the whole carton.
00:49:23
Speaker
Oh, you want to you want to ah investigate crimes? Well, here's a dead body. Drags her out. of The police chief shows up at her house like, where were you last night? And she's like, what the fuck are you doing in my house?
00:49:35
Speaker
And he's like get in the car. She's still in her pajamas. yeah And he's like, look at this. And just shows a dismembered teen on the ground of a crime scene. Yep, yep.
00:49:45
Speaker
So that presumably she won't want to do it anymore. You were 100% right with the metaphor of make her smoke the whole pack. You like crime? Here's a dismembered teen.
00:49:57
Speaker
You still like crime? The answer was yes. And she actually crashes her bike trying to chase after the carny. That's great, too.
00:50:09
Speaker
She goes to talk to the dead girl's sister and, like, here's the part I really don't get. Finds ah a rabbit's foot in, like, a secret, like, little compartment, I guess, in the back of the girl's dresser drawer, which apparently Johnny Drama planted.
00:50:29
Speaker
And I don't know how, when, or why he did this with the idea that Alicia Silverstone might find it. It is bewildering, but you can't think about this too hard. I don't know. Did you have a lucky rabbit's foot in the 90s? Because I did. Yes.
00:50:47
Speaker
Yes, I did. it was very abundant and pretty fucked up, to be honest. that We were always carrying around parts, animal parts. It's not lucky for the rabbit, that's for sure. Mine was blue.
00:51:00
Speaker
Yours was probably not made from a real rabbit then, maybe. Truly hope. Or they just died. Yeah. But anyway, so that's when she figures out that ah all the girls die on the last Friday of the month. And ah her graduation is is like Saturday.
00:51:18
Speaker
So the yeah this is a dance is Friday night. And I love that ah the police know that someone has is killing teen girls, and they do absolutely nothing to protect all these teenagers that are going out on a Friday night ah to the school dance. there There is no police presence there whatsoever.
00:51:42
Speaker
But whatever. Time to snoop on her boyfriend. Why does she snoop on her boyfriend? Was that made clear to you? Because it seemed pretty out of the blue to me. Yeah, you're right. I have no fucking idea.
00:51:55
Speaker
Right? I can't give you a real answer to that. she She breaks in using her lockpicking skills and finds household cleaners in his home, which is proof he's a murderer. Well, it's in the bag from the mini mart, and it is the exact item. one grocery store in town?
00:52:17
Speaker
we all shop at the gas station you know like that's like the fact that are like i never got past that the mom's like can you go to the gas station and get our groceries and the movie like i i couldn't pay attention anymore both a public school and a private catholic girls school so it clearly must have a population big enough to support even a small catholic high school Alicia Silverstone is ugly.
00:52:44
Speaker
Johnny Drama, not guilty. yeah the gas station has a shopping cart. There's just too
Murder Evidence Found
00:52:50
Speaker
many things. like You're just building them up in a way that I can't feasibly suspend my disbelief any longer.
00:52:57
Speaker
Right. So, yeah. So she finds the the murder a bleach house. Gets her fingerprints all over them. Oh, my God. Yeah. this She's not really...
00:53:09
Speaker
very good at this come to think of it now that you mentioned that and she also sees that he has the last friday of the month circled on his calendar which howard a murder anti firear calendar man origin story confirmed this is a batman villain she he is bat man girl yeah so Yes, she 100% is.
00:53:38
Speaker
The cops get a guy and then immediately release the guy. she is still snooping around his house and he comes back. And, you know, she decides she needs to get out of there.
00:53:51
Speaker
So her instinct is to run, home, but into his dark, creepy garage where she sees the the blue Malibu that the Mini Mart guy said he saw.
00:54:04
Speaker
on the night of the murder and she just runs and throws up in a ditch also not a good sign for her future ah crime solving career if not even the body but just finding the car made her vomit she didn't vomit when she saw the dismembered body though she's just she's got a strong stomach for some things i'll give her what was like she kissed a killer She didn't just kiss that killer, dude. She lost her virginity to a serial killer. And I don't think you ever emotionally recover from that.
00:54:36
Speaker
Yeah. Right. Nobody I've slept with has killed anyone as far as I know. so As far as you know. Not relatable. At this point, I was just like, so stay home on murder day.
00:54:49
Speaker
Stay home on murder day. You'll be fine. yeah guess She does not. She does not stay home on murder day. She is instead out and about ah interviewing the lady who fucked the carny.
00:55:04
Speaker
And he she is covered in bruises. But it's like, oh, he's not a serial killer. he's he just He just beats up his girlfriend. And honestly, am not okay with the number of times this is made out to be like, totally fine.
00:55:22
Speaker
the the The police chief even says at one point that at the end, when all the murders have been pinned on the carny, he's like, But this guy, he was in jail for nonviolent crimes.
00:55:33
Speaker
He wouldn't hurt a flea. There's no way he then suddenly murders six people. And I'm like, what do you mean he wouldn't hurt a flea? He just beats his girlfriend? Well, did it happen at the carnival? Because that's kind of, ah what do you what do you call it? Like ah when you're out at sea and you hit that part where there's no laws?
00:55:51
Speaker
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. International waters. Yeah, exactly. Carnivals are international waters. What happens at the carnival? Stays at the carnival. You do a little infidelity behind the Tilt-A-Whirl, that's between you and God.
00:56:05
Speaker
Right, and no one ever escalates from, say, domestic abuse to more serious crimes like murder. That doesn't happen. They're like, oh, he didn't murder. He's just up to carny shit.
00:56:18
Speaker
Yeah. This movie does owe a carnies and apology. There's some nice carnies out there. She does go to the police. She does the right thing. She has her suspicions. She has what evidence she has found, which is, again, bleach in a car, ah both of which you got your fingerprints all over.
00:56:36
Speaker
But she does go to the cop, and the cop is like, that's nice, honey. Please leave. Yeah. go please leave Go to prom. Go to prom. There was ah moment.
00:56:48
Speaker
I'm sorry. i I don't know where it's coming up in this. Cause like the end just started to get a little, a little messy where I feel like it was throwing a lot of stuff at us. Yes. um When the police chief is the one that figures out who did it.
00:57:03
Speaker
I was actually wrong, but then is wrong. i was a little confused. Yeah. The one guy walks into the police chief's office and his desk is covered in coffee cups.
00:57:16
Speaker
Yeah. so yeah I was like, what the fuck did he get up to today? Because when he said, oh you had a lot of interrogations today. I didn't take that as these are all the cups of the different people you interrogated that they touched and now have fingerprints on.
00:57:31
Speaker
I took that as, Oh, chief drank a hundred cups of coffee. I also interpreted it that way. And also shouldn't you put those in like little evidence bags instead of just leaving them out?
00:57:43
Speaker
How do you know whose was whose? like Right? There's no way. That's why you put it in an evidence bag. Is the viewer, though, we're like, what the fuck is he doing? Where he's like, but he picks one up with a pencil and is like, princess.
00:57:57
Speaker
What the fuck? I guess like I'm just not that good of a detective to know. Yeah, clearly. This is too smart for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, Mom is telling the teenage boy who plays Doom and hacks into the DMV that, like, watch your sister tonight.
00:58:14
Speaker
Does he watch his sister tonight? No, he does not. He lets her leave the dance by herself while there is a murderer on the loose. and Cool at prom, though.
00:58:24
Speaker
She goes to the carnival.
00:58:28
Speaker
The closed carnival on a Friday night. i don't know why I don't ask questions. And ah Kevin is there too, Johnny Drama, and she's like, he's afraid of heights. He told me that.
00:58:40
Speaker
So going to climb up the carnival ride so that he won't murder me. This is an insane piece. Yeah. Because it is the equivalent of what happens is she's dangling and he's trying to pull her up.
00:58:54
Speaker
She is very hysterical because obviously he's the killer. And he smacks her in the face. Yes. And like, I'm It's the thing you do a hysterical woman. Slap him. Well, it's like if you're trying to, they teach you this in lifeguard school, right? If you're trying to lifeguard somebody, fucking knock them unconscious so they quit flailing.
Carnival Ride Escape
00:59:14
Speaker
So they don't drown you.
00:59:16
Speaker
No, that's what they do. That's absolutely correct. You got to slap them so that they don't thrash around and drown you too. That's only way. But they yeet me off this horrifying carnival ride, which the only thing Johnny Drama did in the movie that was reasonable was not ride that earlier.
00:59:36
Speaker
A hundred percent. I would not. This place does not seem like it is keeping any of this machinery good repair. I'm not writing that.
00:59:46
Speaker
the way. No way. So Johnny Drama's like, I got it. We're going to go to the back to the creepy recycling plant. And there they find the battered girlfriend is dead.
01:00:02
Speaker
ah Earl the Kearney hung himself. It's all very obvious that Johnny Drama planted all of this. And photos of him kissing the dead body.
01:00:14
Speaker
Yeah, he left that at the crime scene. Yeah. Those are hilarious Polaroids I would have loved to have seen him take. It's really good. And yes, 100%. And like they do a very brief ah little aside where the cop is convinced that it was the Carnie's ex-girlfriend Roxanne who did it. And that she was just like, I guess going from town to town, killing all the women that Earl slept with as ah revenge.
01:00:46
Speaker
It is a pathetic. Oh, really? Oh, we have very different opinions on this. I thought it was a pretty pathetic attempt to throw us off the scent of Johnny Drama. I think everything was in this movie to where this was the point that I'm like, I mean, if you're going to actually try and trick me at the end and this is the end, I was i still didn't believe it, but I'm like, I guess if we're going to go in this dumb direction and I have to believe that Johnny Drama didn't kill anybody, I would.
01:01:15
Speaker
Because like throughout the movie, is he's doing bad. Half a second. Was there even half a second in your mind that you thought like maybe he didn't do it? Well, when he hit her, I think I even made a note in my but I think I like wrote down a note that said, oh, I'm starting to think Johnny Drama might not be a very good guy.
01:01:37
Speaker
bro she decided she wanted to to kiss him for the first time after she saw him engaging in police brutality she we cannot trust this girl's taste yeah teen teen batman can't be trusted and oh ah so they let you think about maybe the ex-girlfriend carnie did this for about half a second before no no no no guys guys it really is johnny drama don't worry about it why not
Johnny Drama's End
01:02:08
Speaker
long story short he gets killed the same way uh the punisher villain becomes jigsaw
01:02:19
Speaker
Yeah, I was really excited when we have him dangling above the, you know, spinning broken glass machine that every recycling plant has. Yeah, yeah. Presumably this is a definitely real thing.
01:02:34
Speaker
And i was like, hell yeah, hell yeah. Drop his ass on it. I'm so excited. You know, he's been chasing her through warehouse. He killed- We back Freddy Krueger's boiler room at night this time. Yeah, he killed Bill Nunn.
01:02:51
Speaker
ah So sad. ah You know- Bud. Missy Bud. And ah I was like ah so hyped only to get absolutely nothing. They cut away. You do not get to see Johnny Drama get eviscerated in the spinny glass machine.
01:03:10
Speaker
I needed goop. I needed goop. I wanted a little goop. That would be so goopy. And the Punisher knew that different Lionsgate movie, Punisher Warzone. You see the goop.
01:03:21
Speaker
I was so prepared. I was so ready. So excited for this to be the best villain death in anything we had watched. And instead, that is not what we got. We just cut away. up to the rest of the movie.
01:03:37
Speaker
Yeah. Just vaguely disappointing.
01:03:43
Speaker
And then ah we see that she is becoming a cop. That's it. That's how we end. Credits. ah she She pockets her her lucky rabbit's foot, her serial killer totem, along with her ah crucifix and puts them both in her pocket to bring with her to to work.
01:04:03
Speaker
I do not know why. i find that deeply unsettling, and I think this girl needs therapy more than she needs training with a firearms. so But that's just me. What do I know?
01:04:14
Speaker
And that's the movie, folks. I guess first question, do you recommend this one? Is there any reason for somebody to watch this one? I do think the kid detective stuff is kind of funny. It's kind of fun.
01:04:27
Speaker
I was amused a lot, I guess. i did like Especially when she was chasing down the the suspect on her bike. That was pretty funny. When Johnny Drama finds out she thinks he's the killer, he's excuse me, I've got to go murder someone.
01:04:43
Speaker
Oh, yeah. That one was really good, too. wouldn't not recommend it, but at the same time, I don't see that there's much reason to go out of your way. Where does it rank with our other Alicia Silverstone early 90s films? We've got Crush number one. Crush number one.
01:05:02
Speaker
Yeah, no doubt. And then
01:05:08
Speaker
i'll rank this above The Babysitter.
01:05:14
Speaker
I think ah you know, originally I would have said babysitter, but I do think the inclusion of Johnny drama does elevate this. It does. does.
01:05:25
Speaker
i mean, God, there's like carnies in this movie. How can you not love it? It's, it is kind of now that I'm thinking about, I don't know. It's fun. and talk about your It's pretty campy and it does treat you like an idiot. And and that's I mean, this is absolutely a bad move. Like everything is bad.
01:05:48
Speaker
yeah you're right. This was more fun to watch than the babysitter. Right. More stuff happens. I didn't have to wait an hour and 18 minutes for something to happen. This one stuff is happening right off the gate. We got a dead girls to investigate.
01:06:07
Speaker
Well, I think we are going to, you know, we're obviously take it home now. But I have a feeling you and I will agree on all pieces of this.
01:06:17
Speaker
All points of this. So we can just do this together and not drag this podcast that long. All right, Garrett. ah Were you aroused? Not a once. Not a once.
01:06:28
Speaker
ah Zero. Zero. Actually, when it those those carnies were fucking in a pile of trash. That ain't nothing, Kit. that The look on that woman's face is ah her her ass was touching like an old Doritos bag ah is he thrust and it has his knobby, weird, long plastic hand.
01:06:47
Speaker
Yeah, which I'm assuming ah that she got rat shit in her bits. There's just no way she didn't. Dude, that place is gross. You ever get fingered with one of these? oh
01:07:03
Speaker
Oh! 0.5! We'll take it to 0.5 from Garrett on the scale. That is extraordinarily generous. I will give it a zero. You cannot make me.
01:07:14
Speaker
right. Were you thrilled? You ever get fingered with one of these? You know what? Here's the thing. It's like... a little like ah She keeps doing things that are putting herself in danger because she's being a kid detective.
01:07:34
Speaker
And so... You genuinely worry about her. it's not It's not like you're on the edge of your seat waiting for the mystery to be solved. It's Johnny Drama. It's obviously Johnny Drama.
01:07:45
Speaker
But she's around Johnny Drama so much that like he could have murdered her at any time. And that is a little tense. And when we know what he did to an eighth grader, which was force her to drink bleach, dismember her, then send the parts to the parents.
01:08:04
Speaker
That is so awful. Because I did like Alicia Silverstone in the movie. Oh, she's very likable. charming. She's charming. Yeah.
01:08:15
Speaker
So I do think she was good in it, and I don't think Johnny Drama was bad in it. I think that he's a victim of his face in the script. He is a victim of both the script and his face, neither of which is doing much to make him look innocent.
01:08:30
Speaker
So I will put it at a one and a half.
01:08:39
Speaker
um maybe i'll I'll match that. I'll match it. I'll match it. I would have i would have said one, but... I don't know. The fingers. Any glass thing. Gotta give it something. Because we were so pumped to see the goop and there just was no goop. If you showed me goop, this might be a three and a half.
01:08:56
Speaker
Absolutely. if there had If you had gotten to see the shredded remains of Johnny Drama slowly spinning. You know, bro, when they drop me in that glass thing, they ah just, yeah, I know you guys don't have the budget for this. I know, but surely there is something you could have skimped on, something you could have cut to invest Pillowcase with a sack of goop, drop it in and just show me the remains of the goop and a leather jacket on top.
01:09:26
Speaker
That's it. That's more effort than you put in. Yeah, it's true. I have donated to the goop budget. I would have too. $20 for a sack of goop? Yeah.
01:09:37
Speaker
Easy. All right. And would you ruin your life for Johnny Drama?
01:09:45
Speaker
No. No. I don't think anyone is. I do love him, though. Yeah, it's just that...
01:09:52
Speaker
Listen, Nancy Drew over here should and did take one look at him and be like, that's a murderer. And then she didn't listen to her instincts. You know, she let the fact that he was in training to become a cop cloud her judgment.
01:10:07
Speaker
And that's just what it's so important, people, to be true to your first impressions of someone. If the very second you meet them, you're like, that guy shouldn't be talking to underage girls.
01:10:18
Speaker
He is creepy. I bet he's a serial killer. Don't fuck him.
01:10:25
Speaker
Don't fuck him.
01:10:28
Speaker
Advice to live by. Advice to live by. Don't ruin your life for Johnny drama. And don't ruin your life for teens. Just don't. Just fucking don't. Yeah, we just don't. Stop it.
01:10:39
Speaker
Stop it. You see anyone dressed like Britney Spears in the Hit Me Baby One More Time video? They're too fucking young for you. Fuck off. But Garrett, she's only one day till graduation.
01:10:52
Speaker
Murder day. Murder day. It's where circled it. see Don't forget. um No, no, not ah not ruining my life for Alicia Silverstone, though. I want the teen to know, hey, you are attractive. You just have dorky facial tics.
01:11:08
Speaker
Yeah, you can work on that. Maybe get glasses that are a better prescription. You might be squinting a lot because you need to update your glasses. oh Maybe consider it. Drop the ponytail. You'd be surprised. You might be prom queen.
01:11:20
Speaker
You could 100% be prom queen, except you skipped prom to go hang out in a murder warehouse. With Johnny Drama. With Johnny Drama. All right.
01:11:32
Speaker
Episode two of Alicia Silverstone Fest in the bag. Next one, ah modern day Alicia Silverstone. Will she finally be allowed to be sexy for us?
01:11:45
Speaker
I don't know. I'm looking forward to Let's do it. I don't know what this movie's even about. I'm excited. we're gonna We're going to do that next. But as always, thanks for listening. rate you Subscribe. Instagram. Emails. Whatever. Comment. We love you.
01:12:02
Speaker
want to shake you naked and eat you alive. Those calves. ha!