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Pretty Thing (2025)
59 Plays12 days ago
Alicia Silverstone Fest 2025 is finally coming to a close with her newest Erotic Thriller Pretty Thing! Find out what happens when you invite the most pathetic man on the planet to Paris for a second date... Seriously y'all this one makes the guy from Fleshtone look like a really happening dude.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, and for the love of God, take a shower after your long day of traveling and gather around your radio.
00:00:12
Speaker
It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.
Alicia Silverstone's Career Evolution
00:00:26
Speaker
antithesis, mysterious and dangerous and oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the ages so if you're fatally attracted to the raciest stuff, erotic film club basically instinctively craps and salacious, erotic film club if you want a racy movie and you're too classic for smart
00:01:09
Speaker
As Alicia Silverstone Fest comes to a close, we jump 30 years into the future from 1995 to 2025. We're no longer following an innocent babysitter or a kid detective, but her most sinister role yet, ah childless late 40s pharmaceutical marketing rep.
00:01:28
Speaker
The horror. After taking a weirdo cater waiter on a way too extravagant first date, he refuses to be broken up with. Can the pharmaceutical rep continue on with life as normal?
00:01:41
Speaker
Can the most pathetic man you've ever seen convince his weekend fling sugar mama that she hasn't made the biggest mistake of her life? This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, Pretty Thing.
Garrett's Humorous Maid of Honor Stories
00:01:54
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's Meet into the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here.
00:02:00
Speaker
And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would I ruin my life for this person? Kit, I've got a little business to take care of at the top before we get going with this.
00:02:15
Speaker
Wedding business. so So we've mentioned probably weeks ago at this point, many episodes ago, ah Kit is getting married this year. in like 70 something days at this point. Yeah.
00:02:29
Speaker
It's coming. It's coming. And as you may know, i am the maid of honor. That's my maid of honor. Terrible choice, by the way. I know.
00:02:39
Speaker
i knew what i was doing. Love it. But as the bachelorette party is being planned, and i you know, everybody has their roles in the bachelorette party, and I was, i don't know I was trying to come up with a game, and um a couple people deemed it maybe too offensive.
00:02:59
Speaker
And I'm just going to reveal it to you here because I know most of the people in your wedding party. But I don't know everyone. You have friends that are not mutual friends.
00:03:10
Speaker
i do not know them. I've never met them. I've only met through this text chain I have with them. Would it have been too offensive to play a game where I show close-ups of celebrities' genitals and you have to guess who's it but but who it belongs to?
00:03:31
Speaker
Well,
00:03:35
Speaker
it's not the only thing, yeah, it was, it was, it was going to be on the docket. So were you going to show like the Cahokia mounds from to the limit and someone was going to have to guess.
00:03:47
Speaker
Oh, those are Anna Nicole Smith's tits. Correct. Yeah. It would show a closeup and then it would, the next slide, it would zoom out. There may have even been multiple options.
00:03:57
Speaker
Oh, love that. It might've been a multiple choice or maybe it's a matching. Maybe everybody gets a sheet. Like, you know how you used to have, you know. Draw the little line from A to 1 or whatever. Yeah.
00:04:11
Speaker
Oh, Garrett. Who told you this was too offensive because I think they are no friend of mine. Believe it or not, Ashley Cassidy, our dear friend and guest on the show.
00:04:24
Speaker
what Well, do you think the other friends in your your group, are they... I mean, I know they've seen genitals at some point. They're both married. ah Yeah, and somebody's pregnant in the group chat. so I don't know. I guess I figured because you do this show the other people outside of your life probably know you're on this show.
00:04:47
Speaker
yeah and i don't even listen to it on occasion. and Hey, guys. hi I'm excited to meet you. um I hope you enjoy the genitals.
00:05:00
Speaker
it just suck that It's not a surprise now, but I did need to run that by you. and it felt appropriate to bring up on. and You know, I'll bring it up with them it explicitly and it will not be a surprise, but no one will be taken aback by any surprise dicks.
00:05:19
Speaker
Yeah, well i'll maybe they'll be like a leave the room. if you don't Because it's going to be men and women. see There still will be some surprises, though. who so everybody like Everybody in the room is wondering why I'm asking for pictures of the attendee's genitals.
00:05:34
Speaker
one with um Okay, next question. um It's a goof. It's goof. It's just a goof. Garrett's weird, but not that weird. No. The speech.
00:05:47
Speaker
I assume you do want me to give a speech and you're not going to restrain me from having a microphone in my hand at some point to address everybody in the room. you are going to give a speech right after my father. So have fun with that.
00:06:02
Speaker
My question about the speech. Yes, sir. how many Nicolas Cage quotes am I allowed to hide within it? And also how many erotic thriller quotes, quotes am I allowed to put throughout it?
00:06:19
Speaker
Is there a limit? Oh man. Like my grandparents are dead. So the oldest people in the room, you know,
00:06:31
Speaker
are not that old. Uh, I mean, it's not going to be like, I'm not going to make it offensive. Like, it's not going to go like deeply sexual or anything. But you get how long of a speech you planning in to give.
00:06:50
Speaker
How long am I allowed? ah Somebody have a light. Light me when ah when it's when I need to wrap it up. yeah when let' do We'll do the thing where they flick the lights or we'll start playing the music. like with that Play me off. yeah You get one per minute.
00:07:06
Speaker
One per minute. Okay. So I'm going to have to go at least 20. Okay. okay And, um, is and I, uh, it feels bad to spoil this, but I do want to say like, everybody raise your glass.
00:07:19
Speaker
Fidelio pig, man.
00:07:23
Speaker
Absolutely. No one like six people in the room are going to get that joke. Garrett. i I don't know why Fidelio Pigman from our Eyes Wide Shut episode popped back into my head and has not left for days. And I can't believe that hasn't been a run in thing.
00:07:42
Speaker
Like that should be my Fidelio Pigman should be every single listener of our safe word in bed.
00:07:51
Speaker
You're welcome for that in case you were struggling to come up with some. Garber, just run this, run it by your wife. Any of your brilliant ideas that you have, just run it by your wife.
00:08:05
Speaker
See, but I thought the genitals idea, guess the genitals idea was a great bachelorette party game. And two people told me that maybe it wasn't. So how can I trust the people I'm going to go to?
00:08:18
Speaker
oh Well, that tells me that they're going to err on the side of not offending my relatives, which I'm okay with. I absolutely do not plan on offending anyone in the room.
00:08:29
Speaker
think that I absolutely, I want to make it as sincere as possible with as many lines that Nicolas Cage has spoken as possible.
00:08:40
Speaker
I love that. I love that. You get one per minute. It really is going to be a wedding speech cobbled together like a ransom note out of magazine letters.
00:08:58
Speaker
As you know, that's what I've always dreamed of since I was a little girl. And I'm only putting this much work into it because I love you so much. Aww! Yay!
00:09:10
Speaker
If Put it this way. The most straightforward and more sincere I go, the less I love you. Fair enough. I will keep that in mind. You know who I am.
00:09:22
Speaker
did this. I did this. I did this knowing what what would, well, I didn't know what would come, but I had, you know, thoughts, feelings, an idea of what would come.
00:09:37
Speaker
So yes, I accept you, Garrett, exactly as you are. Challenge accepted, Pigman. That's you quoted saying to me. God, we need ah
00:09:49
Speaker
Fidelio Pigman shirts. um You can make those. no i don't know if it's merch time yet, but once it is, Fidelio Pigman is up there. Fidelio Pigman, Papa Treasure Chest, which I feel like today's movie in 30 years would be a Papa G's treasure chest.
00:10:09
Speaker
You brought this. This is not from Papa G's treasure chest. this is This is from Lady Kit's shit closet. so Oh, I love that.
00:10:22
Speaker
Yeah. Okay, before. I just saw that she was in one and the AV club had given it a D and I was like, that sounds like us.
00:10:33
Speaker
Very generous score. They said they didn't want to give it an F because F stands for fuck. And this movie was not sexy enough to deserve that.
00:10:46
Speaker
Weird enough, before we talk about this, i just want to mention this. So yesterday was a big, ah kind of exhausting, emotional day in our household.
Emotional Milestones: Garrett's Son's First Day
00:10:57
Speaker
our our our son had his first day of preschool. ah You know, got him up early. We got him out the door. We got the you know the pictures of him holding a little sign, first day of preschool.
00:11:08
Speaker
ah Kit, I sobbed. You know how... Like, you know, like a lot of people would be like, oh it made me cry. I was like, Kit, they left because we thought it'd be too hard for both of us to be there handing them off.
00:11:22
Speaker
And she wanted the duty. So I let and let Leah take him. I got in the kitchen and I was who i was making so many audible sobby sounds. There was something in me that needed out that day. Yeah.
00:11:37
Speaker
That much crying that early in the day just takes it out of you. i am Plus with him being gone for six hours, I you know was able to get quite a bit of stuff done. As the day goes on, I am so dead fucking tired. Like I am beat by the time we get him to bed.
00:11:53
Speaker
I popped this movie in Kit.
00:12:00
Speaker
Yeah. For the rest of my life. When I think of my son's first day of school. I'm so sorry. Pretty thing. no.
00:12:13
Speaker
Singular. Is going to be a memory that comes to my head. Because. core memory. I love that. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
00:12:27
Speaker
And not only is this one of the worst movies we've ever watched on this show. Ever. Within 18 minutes, before it is trying to, I was so actively disgusted by this movie that I felt kind of ill.
00:12:48
Speaker
ah What was it that did it for you? Was it, was it? Yes, it probably was. Was it the mom? Was it the was it the mother son relationship that did it? That was pushing me to yuckiness.
00:13:02
Speaker
The absolute most disgusting thing, if we're just going to cut to it. Cut to it. About 18 minutes into this movie, maybe a little less, first date they're on, she flies this man to Paris, France.
00:13:16
Speaker
Yes. After a full day of riding in an airplane. He was in business class, if that helps. slightly.
00:13:28
Speaker
It's still airplane temperature. You can't make that part of the plane feel that much better than the back. Like other than you're not crammed, you get a little nap. He's loving business class.
00:13:39
Speaker
He walks through that hotel room. He's probably been awake for 20 hours. Maybe not. He had business. get to sleep in the little bod. He got to sleep in the pod, but you know, he's been traveling for 20 hours. Juices, ah building up from walking around, being in a cab, being in the airport.
00:13:57
Speaker
I don't care if he was in the captain's lounge. You're still sweating. You're still, you're gross. She sucks his dick yeah right after hours of travel.
00:14:07
Speaker
Yeah. Like as soon as he walks in the door and he even says, you don't want me to shower Yeah. That is the most depraved thing we have watched on this show. I don't want to touch my own dick after I've been on the airplane that long.
00:14:24
Speaker
I didn't know what to do anymore. That's a really good point because like most of the sexual activity in this movie is so vanilla.
00:14:34
Speaker
It is so boring. It is so run of the mill. Uh, the most exciting sex that they have is that like he pins her up against a wall when they're in France, like in a rips or nineties prom dress.
00:14:50
Speaker
Yeah, her terrible 90s prom dress. And that is still, like, this movie does not understand the concept of show, don't tell, because it tells you over and over again that he's great at sex, that the sex is amazing.
00:15:03
Speaker
And I'm just comparing it to when we watched Antonio Banderas and ah Angelina Jolie have sex in, like, 70 different positions. Like, every page of the Kama Sutra.
00:15:14
Speaker
This missionary, mostly clothed, we know A lot of standing, but from behind, too. A couple standing, but from behind. like you i guess so that she didn't have to look at the hideous shirts he was wearing.
00:15:29
Speaker
It's so boring looking. And yet, and yet, she is into one of the most disgusting, depraved things that you and I have ever even seen in our extensive experience of watching erotic thrillers, and that is to suck a dick that smells thoroughly old sweat.
00:15:58
Speaker
You know he's been farting up in business class too. It's horrifying. He's a nightmare person. But do you think like everybody in this movie seems fucking weird before you're supposed to think they're fucking weird kid?
00:16:11
Speaker
Oh, absolutely. Every single person. Like, yeah okay, let's let's just describe the characters because, you know, Alicia Silverstone's 48. She's a marketing person. Pharmaceutical marketing rep. Yeah.
00:16:29
Speaker
We've really jumped in age between where we last saw Alicia Silverstone on this show. Where she was jailbait. I think Alicia Silverstone has aged beautifully.
00:16:42
Speaker
She has just ah appears to have naturally aged. She has a she's a mom now. Very gorgeous. Absolutely. Her little downturned mouth that was so pouty and cute when she was a teenager now does give resting bitch face.
00:16:58
Speaker
Kit, let's describe her face throughout this film because I don't think it's how Alicia Silverstone looks. I've seen photos of her recently. oh You think she this is a this is a this is a character choice?
00:17:09
Speaker
Her character's deeply unhappy in this movie, I think, internally. A little externally. But to me, like her face almost throughout this film is that of an alcoholic.
00:17:23
Speaker
There's just like a sunkenness to the way this character goes about her day, that there's a tiredness on her face and ah she's not rested. Something's wrong. She is burning the candle at both ends because she is boss babe by day and ah picking up strange men by night.
Alicia Silverstone's Natural Aging and Character Analysis
00:17:46
Speaker
Like out a strangeman lot men, lot of strange men. So she's not getting a lot of sleep. From sex. From all the sex off screen sex. Yes.
00:17:57
Speaker
From all the off screen fully clothed sex that she is definitely having. Man though when we do see her pick up other guys every time I was like better choice. better Better choice. Better choice.
00:18:10
Speaker
We start with our cater waiter at the top of this film who's sampling own chat. Arranging canapes on a tray. pretty things on a tray he on the other hand looks like a skinhead that was the first thing i thought was that this kid is straight out of american history x he is not even one of the modern day skinheads like like a modern nazi this is this is old school nazi this is curb stomping ah gay kid nazi in in 1991 is that not what you thought
00:18:47
Speaker
No, we've had very different ah views of this man. like Oh, go on, please. So the racism is still there, like but a different kind of racism. So when I look at him, i thought this man's face is so British, there's no way he's not British.
00:19:05
Speaker
My thought is this is like a guy who is a soccer hooligan. oh Oh, he's throwing bananas at the black soccer players on the other team.
00:19:17
Speaker
Yeah. I hope to God you didn't come up with that on your own right now. What the hell? Is that a thing? That's a real thing that soccer hooligans do. so sorry, Garrett. I don't either, but this is just a thing i know.
00:19:30
Speaker
That's awful. It's okay that you know that. Thank you. Sorry, football players. That's fucking terrible. That sucks. I hate that. So yeah, I guess different kind of reasons.
00:19:41
Speaker
But yeah, when I looked at him, my note was, this guy looks like he's going to play the transporter in a prequel television series. Oh, yeah, I could see that.
00:19:53
Speaker
His whole thing would have been so vastly improved if he had a British accent. I would have totally understood why she was having sex with him if he had a cute British accent or even a dirty British accent because he doesn't look like he would have a cute British accent. He looks like he would have a mumble mouth says bruv a lot type accent.
00:20:15
Speaker
British accent. Sorry to all of our... no. We do have a lot of UK listeners, kid. I love you. I love a British accent. I love learning all the different varietals. But listen... Weekly, I am shocked at the number of listeners we have in the UK. Y'all are great. We love you. And I did say he would be improved by even the dirtiest British accent.
00:20:40
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, I think so. as American...
00:20:45
Speaker
No good. No. As an American. So this actor's name, let's pull him up. Playing Elliot in case anyone cares. Carl Gloosman, who according to this is the ex-husband of Zoe Kravitz.
00:21:05
Speaker
I'm sorry.
00:21:08
Speaker
I've never heard anything so out of a person's league before. Maybe he is a superstar in bed. Maybe he is like IRL, an absolute machine.
00:21:22
Speaker
Because I cannot think of a single other reason he should be with someone so hot. To me, and no offense to him as an actor. None.
00:21:33
Speaker
Some. so He's not great in this. Let's be real here. Neither is she. fair This is a bad movie, Kit. It's a bad movie. No one comes out of this looking good.
00:21:45
Speaker
the um As we watch the cater waiter, before we know anything about him, which I did know the plot of the movie going in, which did, I wish I kind of went in no knowledge. I did know what the movie was about.
00:21:57
Speaker
um i For some reason, I was just like, oh, this is an out-of-work actor. And it's not just because of... of theatorer job that the TV show about the cater waiter actors.
00:22:09
Speaker
um I don't know. He just had the vibe of like a out of work actor had nothing going on, but it turns out he's just a regular guy with has nothing going on up here in his head.
00:22:20
Speaker
Nothing going on. No hobbies, nothing. This guy's got nothing going on. photography but then when she gives him a bunch of money and he's like i'm gonna go buy a camera he buys the crappiest little digital camera i've ever seen like he's not like he is come on about camera yeah gets sugar mama money with his sugar mama money he buys a baguette in paris yeah to sustain him for the day you gotta to try a baguette while you're in paris
00:22:53
Speaker
And well, they talk earlier in the movie and he says that his hobby is he's interested in photography. Yes. He thinks about it. But he's never done it. yeah Not on his iPhone.
00:23:04
Speaker
He owns a phone. what You can be into photography already. But honestly, maybe he should have just used his iPhone while he was wandering around Paris. It probably would have gotten him better quality photos than this camera he bought, right?
00:23:22
Speaker
The camera he purchased, he's looking through the window at all of these nice cameras with long lenses and really like professional photography cameras. yeah I don't know a ton about cameras, but the camera he chose...
00:23:35
Speaker
I feel like if you went into a pawn shop and bought the digital camera I owned in college. I was going to say he the exact same thing, except mine was silver instead of black. Mine was silver. Mine was probably shittier than that one.
00:23:47
Speaker
maybe they Maybe cameras are like phones. No, watched this with my fiance, my soon-to-be husband. And he did take photography classes as part of his film degree. And ah he was like, what a shitty camera.
00:24:05
Speaker
That was the first thing he said. I couldn't stop thinking about that. And then as he's as we see him using the camera, he's not like... there's not ah Anything he's doing doesn't look like an artiste at work.
00:24:18
Speaker
It looks like a tourist in his own town. had never seen I-Fee Tower before, so I took a picture. i didn't I couldn't get the whole thing in the frame, though, so...
00:24:32
Speaker
so
00:24:34
Speaker
It took a couple. When he's back home in New York and just, yeah. So let's, I guess we can talk about their first sex scene. I mean, they just, they have a, they share a glance. Their meet cute, yeah, is that they share a glance across canapes.
00:24:50
Speaker
And he is not the best, like, he is not the most fuckable person there. like Yeah. You know the song about, like, the most beautiful girl in the room? by But from, where are those New Zealand guys?
00:25:05
Speaker
My brain broke. Oh, Flight of the Conchords. Flight of the Conchords. Yeah, the most beautiful girl in the room. He's not even the most beautiful boy in the room. He's not. She's actually in a room with like a lot of rich, handsome people. Yeah, but she didn't want none of them. She wanted the scuzziest one in the room and she wanted to to eventually suck his travel stained dick.
00:25:27
Speaker
Okay, so I got alcoholic vibes, but maybe she's a sex addict. And I think that might actually be true with the little information. Because we can get so little information so little information about these people as people.
00:25:44
Speaker
Really, I feel like we had too much information about him, about his relationship with his mom, about how doesn't have any friends. was apparent it weird. Yeah. Let's break down the mom. Wait, let's have him have sex, and then let's break down. Let's have him have sex, then we'll talk about the mom, because that comes up.
00:26:01
Speaker
ah So yeah, they... they she she sees him outside on a smoke break where he is smoking a joint um and she takes a drag off of it and drunk shit she's stumbling through the alley oh yeah and she says I'm in room 706 and then just walks right past him into the kitchen he's like that's the kitchen She didn't give a fuck.
00:26:25
Speaker
um And so he bringt he steals a bottle of champagne and brings it up to to room 706. And she demands he take a shower. i don't know why he needs a shower then, but not not after 20 hours of travel.
00:26:41
Speaker
But, like, whatever. and he has been working. he's been He's been moving around. He's hustling. He probably smells like little shrimp puffs. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha!
00:26:54
Speaker
So true. gotta get that She's like, take your time. Get that little shrimp puff smell off you. Yeah, like when he got off the plane, he smelled like business class. And like, she came up to that room smelling like economy. yeah I love that before I think they're going to fuck before the shower, she goes, take off your backpack. And that is the that is what every woman wants to hear yeah before they get eaten out. I know, right? I love that he's like, I bring champagne, but does not think to take off his backpack. And when a ah grown woman has to tell you to take off your backpack...
00:27:32
Speaker
And it's not like he's 20. She's fucking like a 33 year old. That is the weirdest part is that ah she asks how old you are and he says 33. And she says, oh, I thought you were younger.
00:27:47
Speaker
And since he's real dumb and doesn't know what to say to anything, he just says, cool. Cool. cool thirty No matter what we say throughout the rest of this episode, please keep this information top of mind because it was top of mind for me the entire watch.
00:28:04
Speaker
He is 33 years age. ah three years of age The sex scene. So I think we do need to give this movie a round of applause and we're actually going to pop some party poppers for 2025. Give it a little clap.
00:28:21
Speaker
Folks in 2025. Cunnilingus is back and set up. You can do it. There's no rules. Yeah.
00:28:33
Speaker
He just goes straight down. i appreciated it. Go for him. Go for her. Love it. It was actually too strong of a setup to the sex. It was the best part of the entire sex scene.
00:28:44
Speaker
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. After that, it's just like ah heavy breathing and two bodies smashed together and you see their heads sort of like... it It's all superimposed, blurry, dark sex scenes. Like, they're just...
00:29:02
Speaker
It's very dark, but even the darkness does not hide the fact that they have anti-chemistry. They have none. None. it is a black hole of chemistry. There is nothing there. I don't know why they didn't screen test her with him ahead of time to see if they had any spark whatsoever.
00:29:22
Speaker
They have none. Like, at a certain point, do you think it would have? Because obviously, like, they got Alicia Silverstone to be in a shitty movie. And Alicia Silverstone isn't in a ton of stuff these days.
00:29:34
Speaker
ah Yeah, but all I could think about was, like, other 30-something actors that are, that look younger and are way, way, way hotter.
00:29:46
Speaker
was like, there were Manny Jacinto in this, it would have killed. It would have been the best goddamn movie I've ever seen. I think they're, there're I mean, obviously we're working off a terrible script, which just, you know, i looked up the writer and this actually checks out for how I felt during the opening scene. He is a British actor um who this is really his first feature he's written. That explains a few things.
00:30:14
Speaker
So I'm thinking some of this is a personal story of when he worked as a cater waiter. I mean, I could see it. arm Or just like a fantasy he had about the after the one time he served canapes to a ah hot lady and he was like, man, what if we had sex?
00:30:37
Speaker
Obviously, Alicia Silverstone 48 isn't like eager to show skin in this movie, I would imagine. Which is fine, but they go to a sex show in Paris where they kept their clothes on the whole time.
00:30:52
Speaker
This R-rated movie made an active decision to not show me nudity. I genuinely, I wrote down, is this PG-13? Is this a PG-13 erotic thriller? Because even when the dancer takes her top off, she is wearing pasties.
00:31:08
Speaker
I don't get a single nip. And this is a sex show, which I was just, it was so not sexy. It was instead very impressive because they were doing cool little flips and stuff. And I was like, Ooh, but like I could watch that show with my mother sitting next to me and not feel awkward.
00:31:28
Speaker
They're getting all handsy, but it was like Cirque du Soleil. A hundred percent. I was going to say it was like a cabaret Cirque du Soleil. Like it wasn't as much of a sex show as it was a feats of strength show.
00:31:40
Speaker
Yeah. He like lifts her up and is holding her in a handstand thing. It was very impressive. But again, you could watch that with your grandma and no one would feel weird.
00:31:51
Speaker
Your Catholic grandma. Yeah. Well, if this the sex show is in France. We're jumping all over the place here. Let's go back to where you know they've already had sex. He's had a great time. He's just thinking about how that was the best thing that's ever happened to him. Because doesn't do things like this very often.
00:32:10
Speaker
Clearly. And clear and he goes he goes back and we find out he lives with his mother. Yes. Oh, man. Did we even know her name at this point?
00:32:21
Speaker
There is a scene where he says his name and she says her name. That's actually after the back that comes off, but that's it because they don't. I'm not telling you my name until you take that backpack off, sir. Well,
00:32:33
Speaker
When she told him to wash his ass or whatever while he was up there, I really thought she was going to be like a Lady Patrick Bateman. And that that like she he was going to be like scrubbing her vagina his vagina while she's just like, the Spice Girls are the most prolific band of the 90s, and let me
Elliot's Childlike Excitement and Immaturity
00:32:52
Speaker
tell you why. and then continues that conversation as they have sex.
00:32:56
Speaker
Yeah. Okay, so ah yeah, he's so smiley and dancey as he walks home from this. He is like a little girl that's just, ah you know, ridden a pony for the first time and is just filled with delight.
00:33:12
Speaker
Maybe the last time you even are remotely endeared by anything he could possibly do the rest of the film. And that takes some generosity on your part. Cause you could also look at this as like, get the fuck over it, man. You've had sex before. Calm down.
00:33:27
Speaker
Maybe he comes home and mama's there. And she's like, where were you? What if I had fallen down the stairs? What if you'd come home and I was at the bottom of the stairs? And I was like, Oh no, i hate ah ah no you're like, I know this woman.
00:33:43
Speaker
I know this woman and I hate her ah She's like, I'm doing your laundry. Strip. He gets down to his skivvies in front of his mom so that she can do his laundry for him.
00:33:58
Speaker
And she's already like, ah so did you were you with a girl? Were you with a girl? He's like, no, ma. And he's, I gotta go to bed. I'm tired. Even though he just woke up. and she actually, after he gets into bed, is like pulling at his underpants being like, give me these two.
00:34:17
Speaker
not ah None of this is okay. It is a bizarre thing. Yes. And you think like, well, clearly she's an unwell person and he's taking care of his unwell Yeah, this is- Oh, it is so clear later, though, that this is not that she lives with him.
00:34:36
Speaker
He lives with her. Right? Oh, I mean, I thought he lived with her from the beginning, but like, it seemed like maybe he was- that Doing this out of love and caring and and no, no. She's ironing his shirts for him.
00:34:52
Speaker
Come on now. At a certain point, she's ironing his pants as he looks at the nudie pics he took of this woman on vacation. So fucked. That was so fucked.
00:35:04
Speaker
Kit. Okay, so we kind of knew where the movie was headed. where this is The movie is basically the Tim Robinson movie Friendship. I have not seen that. I do not know this. Five out of five.
00:35:18
Speaker
So good. Funniest movie of the year. Watch it. It's Tim Robinson and Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd makes quick friends with a weird guy. After a couple weird incidents, he says, I don't wish to continue this friendship.
00:35:31
Speaker
Tim Robinson is like you can't just do that to somebody. You can't just not. you get You were too nice too quick. You can't just not be my friend. That is this, but with a 33-year-old and 48-year-old woman he had sex with.
00:35:45
Speaker
Yeah. And he's so goo goo eyed so quickly that it genuinely feels like if it is very strange.
00:35:56
Speaker
He's like he does a thing where he kicks his little feeties. Like he is a 13-year-old girl who just ah had her crush check the yes box on do you like me, check this box for yes, this box for no.
00:36:10
Speaker
That is the exact vibe that this 33-year-old man and is giving. And I'm not saying you can't be excited about a new relationship as an adult. Of course you can. But the little kicky feets?
00:36:22
Speaker
The little kicky feets. His mom takes Monday pants off his body to wash them. Like he's got things going on. This is the first person who's seen his PP in a while that is not his mommy. and Kit, if this had been the Joker origin story.
00:36:41
Speaker
hmm. I would believe you. A hundred percent. It would be better Joker origin story than most Joker related media we've ever seen.
00:36:53
Speaker
I believe this far more than, well, he fell into a vat of acid or whatever and became the Joker. I wanted to dip this guy in acid. Oh my god, this movie is so cheap that it doesn't even spring for a little like ah pop-ups for their texts. It just has them read the texts in voiceover. And I have to say, ah lines like, agreed, so hot, can I see you again, given in deadpan voiceover, hilarious.
00:37:28
Speaker
Not sexy. Nothing sexy about any of these texts. I wish I could find, because I don't think I put that it was a text message. I know I wrote it down.
00:37:38
Speaker
But as it goes on and he's getting crazy, a there were some even funnier ones that it's like hilarious to hear the person say.
00:37:49
Speaker
oh fuck. Which is why in ah a movie that had even like $10,000 extra dollars in its budget would have put a little pop-up on the screen with the text message written out. But that would cost money.
00:38:03
Speaker
and we It was either that or catering. was either that or crafty. And we really needed crafty or we were not going to get Alicia Silverstone to stay on set.
00:38:16
Speaker
It's the least you could do for this woman. Yeah. So she's like, hey, do you want to go to Paris this weekend? She has had sex with him once. She's never even seen him by daylight.
00:38:29
Speaker
And she's like, do you want to go to Paris? I have to go for work. Come with me. And then texts like he's in the lounge ready to go on the plane and gets a text being like, i had to take an earlier flight. Bye. See you there.
00:38:43
Speaker
And Garrett, were you as offended as I was that he didn't know he's supposed to mix the OJ and the champagne to make him mimosa and he was just drinking straight champagne despite the fact that the OJ was right next to him?
00:38:55
Speaker
maybe a juice allergy. Maybe he just brushed his teeth. Oh, little o j this dirty ass man. Just brush his teeth. I believe that. Hey, he's the one that was like, are you sure you want to suck my dick? I'm filthy.
00:39:10
Speaker
I am so gross right now. And that is the thing that always surprises me about travel is like, despite the fact that it is not ye olde times and I did not ride in a dirty ass carriage or on a horse or whatever for weeks.
00:39:24
Speaker
Um, Like oldie time people do. I feel exactly as filthy when I get to the place as if I had traveled for several weeks by carriage. That is so true.
00:39:37
Speaker
Holy shit, Kate. You're right. I think the body knows that it should be this dirty. Why do I still feel like I've traveled 600 miles to Nosferatu's castle at the end of a plane ride? And you are covered in dust and you've been like on a ah hard little seat, jumping, like bouncing around with every rock ah as the carriage rumbles past. That is exactly how I feel. Except in the carriage you have fucking leg room. That is true. You have more leg room in the carriage.
00:40:10
Speaker
You now have me pissed off at airlines that it's more comfortable to get to Nosferatu's house than it is for me to get to Cleveland.
00:40:21
Speaker
Anyway, she flies in fancy class. So she spent like $6,000 on this guy just to get him here. But she he's getting the full princess treatment.
00:40:33
Speaker
Oh, which definitely gave me Tinder swindler vibes. Did this give you Tinder swindler vibes? Tinder swindler. You didn't watch that documentary. No, it's a guy. He like love bombs, all these women that he meets on Tinder by like taking them ah to off to the like Maldives on a private jet.
00:40:53
Speaker
And next thing, you know, he's like, I'm on the run from the police. I need money. I can't access my accounts. And like, that was how he was funding the next girl was the last girl's money.
00:41:09
Speaker
She shouldn't have been helping a criminal. Well, she didn't know that. Well, I thought you said he's like, I'm on the run from the police. Well, like, it was always unfair.
00:41:19
Speaker
You know, like, somebody was out to get him. I'll fucking question that. that's You know, I'm i'll just saying, I'm not... Fuck. I probably would have fallen for it. If this if this version of Alicia Silverstone is tired as she looks in this movie, still a gorgeous lady. I saw the photos.
00:41:36
Speaker
The sex looked as good as anything I could offer a lady. Yeah. yeah And here's the thing. So she screws him as soon as he comes in.
00:41:48
Speaker
Gross, gross, gross. and then And then she has to take him out to dinner because what the hell else are you going to do? And this is where you see like he owns one nice shirt that is blue.
00:42:00
Speaker
Their clothes are insane. blue with like a terrible floral print you know his mom bought it for him it's a woman's blouse it is not for a has the deep v yeah his mom bought this for him 100 and he's he says that he had one semester of college and he dropped out he's too stupid for business school so you know he's dumb um It's bad, alright?
00:42:28
Speaker
She's like, oh, yeah you know, are you close with your with your mom? And he's like, yeah, you can say that! She lives nearby! jesus Christ.
00:42:41
Speaker
I mean, like, he says ah in French, ah you know, I'm hard right now. And she's like, are you? And he's like, that's the one thing I know how to say in French. I thought it might be useful. And she's like, but are you?
00:42:55
Speaker
And he does this double eyebrow raise that is so lame. wanted to I wanted to die.
00:43:07
Speaker
And he starts to get real pathetic real fast, where he's like, oh, you must think I'm so lame, and I'm sure there are plenty of other suitors, and it's like, suitors? My guy, she told you her room number before her name.
00:43:24
Speaker
you think this is a suitor situation? How dumb are you? Well, I think the author of this piece had only, he's like, okay, I need to make them talk like they're in the glass menagerie.
00:43:40
Speaker
oh I'm sure there's many other gentlemen callers. that could Yes. Oh, indeed. Um, she's like, would it bother you if I had the husband? JK, I'm not married. And he mentions this. and Okay, here's where I thought the movie, I very briefly, very briefly thought the movie would be more interesting than it is.
00:44:02
Speaker
He mentions that he had an older girlfriend in high school. And that's why he's good at sex, is he had an older woman who taught him the ways of... Probably being the teacher or something. Yes.
00:44:13
Speaker
Okay, and here's what I thought. My thought was, it was a teacher... And ah Because our society is so screwed up about, like, what sexual assault means and, like, oh, like a 15-year-old screwing a teacher, like, that's hot. That's not assault.
00:44:31
Speaker
And it's like, absolutely it is. That is abuse. This guy has rationalized it to himself that, like, he wanted it. And the trauma is why he has, he's stuck as a permanent 15-year-old and why he's really weird and dumb and why he's gonna go crazy crazy is because like she's gonna betray him in a way that he felt betrayed by this woman who wouldn't leave her husband for him or whatever like he has a lot of trauma that he has not dealt with because our society is super super bad about dealing with male victims of sexual assault and like that's gonna be why this happens and absolutely none of that happens guys none of that is a thing i that was all from my dome
00:45:17
Speaker
We're not going to get into any actual psychological reasons for why he cray cray. He just cray cray. but Well, as the author of this piece thumbs down our video on YouTube, ah he gets to this part and he's screaming at us, you don't understand. That was in there. It was cut for time.
00:45:35
Speaker
that
00:45:38
Speaker
Cut for time. Garrett, they added a little montage of like a clip show at the end because they were trying to pad out the 90 minutes. He's like, I tried, guys. I tried. I'm better than this.
00:45:53
Speaker
Sure. I accidentally made your movie better. Like that would have been an actually interesting, like psychological thing that you could have dealt with. Like the, the, the harms that are done ah when our society doesn't, you know, deal with trauma properly.
00:46:14
Speaker
But because we instead mislabel it as like, Oh, every teen boy wants to screw the hot teacher. Like, no, that's, that's messed up. like Yeah. It's super messed up.
00:46:26
Speaker
No, no, no. We're not doing that. We're just going to go have sex in a tunnel. Wait a minute. You're correct about everything there. Did we ever see Alicia Silverstone in Paris?
00:46:38
Speaker
Like actual, like in front of, cause we see they flew this actor all over fucking Paris. He is physically in front of the ethical hour of every major monument.
00:46:50
Speaker
He got a trip to Paris to film this. All of her scenes are in sets. Dang. Maybe. Why did they spend so much to fucking fly him there?
00:47:02
Speaker
Who cares? Ugh. were' nice shots wasn' it Was it a French production? Maybe the whole thing took place in France and they had to go to New York for the New York scenes. Maybe.
00:47:13
Speaker
Sorry, that just popped into my where like, they spent money on this, but not the text bubbles. Yeah, I know. Right? Right? you couldn't You couldn't chill out for the text bubbles? They had run out. it's that's an after That's a post-production thing.
00:47:26
Speaker
They had run out of money by that point. They spent it all in the French sex show, which has no sex in it. They spent too much on red curtains half for the set dressing. Our red curtain budget was enormous.
00:47:43
Speaker
Even said, I got a red curtain guy. And it was like astronomical. So you've made the movie smarter than it ever he could imagine being. Yes. Let's get to the point where this movie...
00:47:56
Speaker
takes the turn. He wants to take her out on a date yeah and he takes her to his friend's play. Terrible choice. Terrible choice. She looks so miserable doing it.
00:48:08
Speaker
And if you've ever been dragged to anyone's friend's terrible play, it is not your friend, but is their friend. And she's like, I did not sign up for this.
00:48:19
Speaker
I signed up to fuck a hot young guy. were just watching this woman's vagina dry. Yes. Permanently. You can it shrivel up and die. her like All the hormones that were that were flooding through her body, making her want to have sex, evaporated. ah It's a nightmare. It is so funny. It
Disastrous Date at a Friend's Play
00:48:46
Speaker
is hilarious. Yeah.
00:48:47
Speaker
hilarious But worse is the next scene. Here's the thing. Is going to your, your dates, friends play. Oh my god.
00:48:57
Speaker
an act of love. It is an act of true love and it is it is work it is effort you are putting in on behalf of the relationship to show that you support your partner and their friendships and you are a good person this is not something you do with a casual fuck buddy because you did not sign up for pretending to like the shitty play that you don't know if she knew she was going No, no, he surprised her with it.
00:49:29
Speaker
She thought they were going for a drink and a fuck and it's like, haha, it's a shitty play. You want to sit here for three hours and watch a shitty black box and theater play? A shitty black box theater play where it's like the one person talking the whole time.
00:49:44
Speaker
she's so unhappy and then and then he meets up with the friends with the friend from the play at the bar and it's not okay you remember in baby girl where he takes her to the the nightclub like the cool nightclub nah we're going to a shitty little hipster bar she can go to those whenever she wants those let old people in she wanted to go to a hot nightclub comp And she didn't know that the friends were going to be there. no And the way he is describing the Paris trip to his friends and how excited he is is so uncool.
00:50:20
Speaker
So much. She says like so much. And he's like, I knew exactly how she felt because I felt the same way. Shut up. Why can't you just shut the fuck up.
00:50:32
Speaker
Stop talking. And I have been there. i have been this person where it's like, you met a hot guy and you you you did things with him. You made out. You did whatever.
00:50:44
Speaker
And then you talk to him and you're like, oh no What have I done? He's an idiot. Oh no. Oh, and he thinks that I like him for him.
00:50:59
Speaker
Now that I have heard you talk, I want nothing to do with you ever again. i am so on her side when she's like, nope, no more of this. Honestly, you lost her at your hobbies thinking about photography. Right? Oh, you must think I'm so lame. There's so many other potential suitors.
00:51:23
Speaker
Jesus Christ. Like he's so obviously at this point he's lost her. She gets out of there. He. Oh, I like got work. And he takes her back.
00:51:35
Speaker
She he's like, I'm so hard right now. And she's like, it's like, okay, that was what she was here for. um We're finally to the part of the date she agreed to. Yes. And getting ready. There's weird. bunks Her back to. To his place where his mom lives.
00:51:53
Speaker
And ah watching this, I was so anxious the whole time. This is the most thrilled I was in the entire movie because I was so anxious that mom was going to walk in. Mom, who, by the way, already said, I'm so happy for you if she's the one Because he said he was going on his first date with someone.
00:52:14
Speaker
Well, she wants him out of the house. I think she does. And I was like, if she if she walks in, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I will die. I will actually die.
00:52:25
Speaker
Thank God she does not walk in. ah They just have sex in his shitty little let's show you little duplex. I can't believe like we don't see her come in and wake him up and like he's naked and she's like walking around the room picking up used condoms. It's like, I'm so happy you had such a good night.
00:52:45
Speaker
I'm so happy. When is the wedding? ah is She's just dropping them in and they use the foley for like slop, slop, slop.
00:52:56
Speaker
That was a condom into a trash can, people. I'm sorry. I forgot. We're not a video podcast. Um... This movie, though, like the rest of it from here is her basically breaking up with him through a text and him going increasingly more crazy. Before she even breaks up with him via text, he is somehow figuring out where she lives and taking an Uber there while wearing a hoodie and no shirt to go look through her windows where she sees him with a man sees her with a man and ah comes home and starts and just has a mental breakdown.
00:53:31
Speaker
in the entryway of his house. This was insane. This was the craziest thing. So he's just sitting on the floor sobbing and his mom comes out and she holds him and you're like, oh, okay.
00:53:41
Speaker
Then she's sobbing even louder than he is. It is so messed up on so many levels.
00:53:53
Speaker
Kit, I took my son to school for the first time. Uh-huh. And then I watched this. The bookends to my day.
00:54:04
Speaker
yeah, yep yeah. We're taking a little boy to school. For the first time. For the first time. And the last thing I saw before I went to bed was this movie. and somehow the movie you chose...
00:54:24
Speaker
this may have been worse than flesh tone. Somehow the man in this movie is more pathetic. Yeah. Then Martin Kemp and flesh tone. That.
00:54:34
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. That's hard to do. That's hard to do. I had no idea it was going to be so bad. Kit. I didn't.
00:54:45
Speaker
I didn't either. i didn't it was possible to make a movie that looks like a movie. It looks like a movie. There's even couple good decent shots. Yeah. Not a lot.
00:54:56
Speaker
Not a lot. A couple decent, yeah. And it is after this point that the movie kind of decides it's we're right at the halfway point. And it's like, okay, we're done with him now. we're She's the new protagonist.
00:55:07
Speaker
We're going to follow her day. We're going watch her watching Instagram reels in the morning as she gets ready for work. And then we get to watch her be a boss, babe. She's in her self-defense class. She's, you doing work stuff.
00:55:24
Speaker
And yes, she breaks up with him by text. And ah he's trying to briefly die by curtain. Sheer curtain. Love that. Yeah, you can clearly breathe through that thing. Curtain budget was great, too.
00:55:40
Speaker
He shows up at her work and she's so reasonable. um Saying like, look, I just don't think we're right for each other. like And he's like, well, if someone takes you to Paris, you think that's meaningful. And it's like, i would not think that was meaningful if it was the second time we had ever seen each other.
00:56:04
Speaker
That's not meaningful. He's a mentally ill 30-year-old. Yeah. Who I don't know if the mental illness was there all along. I think during COVID, not leaving the house, staying in there with his mom, they formed some sort of weird relationship.
00:56:19
Speaker
Yeah. And like maybe she was the lover. its but why like We need to stop making this movie more interesting. You and I need to stop coming up with our own theories that are a more interesting movie. Because watching this man slowly have his mind destroyed by ah isolation and COVID and being with his very ill, mentally and physically ill, mother, who is also a terrible person and a bad mom because she is creepy and smothering.
00:56:49
Speaker
That would be a good movie also. Yeah. And then him coming out of COVID and having no idea how to interact with other human beings anymore. Genius. I would watch that movie.
00:57:01
Speaker
This is not that movie. Stop it.
00:57:06
Speaker
This is a movie though, that you have to fill in certain lines for anything to be watchable.
Critique of Plot and Character Decisions
00:57:12
Speaker
And it's not like it was done in a smart way where it's like, I wanted to leave it a mystery for the audience. No, you didn't.
00:57:18
Speaker
No, you didn't. We can tell. ah He gives, he says, she's like, yeah we had fun in Paris. Didn't you have fun? He says, of course I had fun. That's why I'm upset. When I was on the fucking Matterhorn at Disney Europe by myself.
00:57:37
Speaker
No photos of it were taken. We didn't have the budget and they said we couldn't film there. but That was the most goddamn fun. When I rode the mine cart by myself and I got a picture with Goofy, I knew I'm going to fuck this woman until she's really old and I will die.
00:57:55
Speaker
Yes, and here's the thing. It's like, on the one hand, I see that you're trying to do the, like, but he basically says, like, because I'm underemployed, that is why i am stalking you.
00:58:09
Speaker
I had nothing going on in my life, not a lot of friends. That woman that we went to the play of, it's not even really his friend. That's a co-worker. Uh... She's like, I don't really know him. she yeah And then I like, though, that we don't have to do it. Because she's like, why don't you call the cops?
00:58:24
Speaker
And we get to end a line, basically cut out extra characters and just skip this part of the erotic thriller. but Cops can't do anything. I was so mad at her.
00:58:35
Speaker
Every other erotic thriller has reasons why the protagonist can't do anything to save themselves. Because they have a ah husband or wife, right? And ah if they tell them that blows up their whole marriage or their kids, right? Or in Baby Girl, that's an intern.
00:58:55
Speaker
This will literally ruin her life if she tells anyone because she was screwing an intern. Here, there is no reason. She doesn't even tell her doorman anything.
00:59:07
Speaker
Don't let this guy in. I went on a date with this guy. He was a creep. I think he got the wrong idea. Don't let him in. You don't have any reason to be embarrassed to the doorman. He sees the menagerie of men, which is throughout this movie. Like when we're not talking about this man, she never brings them to her place.
00:59:28
Speaker
She fox a hotel play doesn't bring them there. he like found out through, I don't know, reasons that, where she lives but like she doesn't tell the people at her work don't let this guy in call the cops if you see him i don't want him here i have a stalker just say somebody is stalking me that's the thing is like the other reason is in a movie where it was a male protagonist it would be that like no one thinks this woman's actually a threat or or no one thinks this woman's a threat you're a man get over it you can handle it no women you can't fight a woman
01:00:02
Speaker
Yeah, women get stalked, unfortunately, all the time. So everyone would understand if you said, or someone is stalking me, especially a doorman. That's literally his job is to keep people out of the door.
01:00:17
Speaker
He is a doorman. and all I could think of was that she's boss babing herself to death because she's too much of a boss babe to ask anyone for help. And you can tell this woman has read lean in many times. She's like doing the thing where she touches the man gently on the arm to like make a connection, make a point. Like,
01:00:38
Speaker
She is so boss, babe. So girl boss. She girl bosses herself to death because she is so independent. She can't even tell a doorman.
01:00:48
Speaker
Don't let this man in. do not accept any packages. He drops off. He is trespassing. Call the cops. Don't girl boss too close to the sun, ladies.
01:00:59
Speaker
She does! And that's when I got mad when i I realized this movie was made by two men. I'm like, are they telling me that being a girl boss is what kills you? Like, being a girl boss is what gets you stalked? Like, how dare you?
01:01:13
Speaker
Don't be too independent, ladies.
01:01:18
Speaker
Oh my god. So yeah, he's he's he leaves pictures, like the naked pictures in ah for her. he He's at the bar when she's with her sister. Great pictures not taken by that camera.
01:01:29
Speaker
Absolutely not taken by that camera. He doesn't know use Photoshop and touch up and change the lighting. Oh, stupid. She agrees to see him at a bar. And I'm like, why? Stop. Don't do this. What is wrong with you?
01:01:45
Speaker
And she's like...
01:01:48
Speaker
Haven't you ever liked someone and then realized you didn't like them? And the answer is apparently no. You can't do that. Can't do that. Give another chance. Hi, I'm Elliot. Hi, I'm Elliot. Hi. Yeah, he's like, let's try it again. He's so drunk off one bottle of champagne that he stole.
01:02:06
Speaker
um And absolutely. I was like, why are you? It's like trying to reason with a toddler. Stop trying. Because he's just like, he he wants something, and you're not going to give it to him.
01:02:20
Speaker
And there is no reasoning with him about it. Stop it.
01:02:27
Speaker
I do like... I mean, when they're in the bar, she throws a pile of cash at him to just go away. Yes. Like she thinks he's blackmailing her with these photos. Yes, with the photos.
01:02:40
Speaker
she it does the kind of brilliant thing of fucking with him back a little bit. Yeah. And and this the scene where she fucks with him back ruined a theory I had.
01:02:54
Speaker
Okay. Okay. She goes to his house and he walks in and she's talking to his mother it's about her illness. It's almost exactly like ah the Glenn Close scene where he walks in and she's talking to his wife.
01:03:07
Speaker
Yes. yeah Yeah. But in this case, she's talking to his mom, who is basically so his wife. Prior to the scene, he's the only person who had interacted with his mom.
01:03:21
Speaker
Kit, what did I think? Garrett, no. Hmm? Garrett, no. Was it possible?
01:03:33
Speaker
He was giving Norman Bates vibes. Oh my God, Garrett. You did not. You did not want so... You can't want the movie to be interesting more than the movie wants itself to be interesting.
01:03:48
Speaker
Say it, kid. Say it. You thought maybe they were the same person?
01:03:59
Speaker
A ghoul. I hate you so much Garrett. I hate everything about you. He's talking to a ghoul. yeah But no, that I, I thought like there was a certain moment where she might literally not exist at the end of this movie.
01:04:15
Speaker
And I was just happy to see that we were in regular reality. mean, we'd seen her interact with his two, ah with his friend ah from the play.
01:04:26
Speaker
So she probably exists in real life. I mean, his mom. Oh, yeah his mom. That's what I'm saying. Like Norman Bates, like he's fucking crazy. And I thought it was possible that his mom didn't exist.
01:04:40
Speaker
Garrett, that would have been a way better movie. He would have been like, oh that's a dumb ending. Seen that before. But at least you could say yeah It did a movie thing.
01:04:50
Speaker
No, i yeah there was a point where i was like, his mom might literally be a figment of his imagination. Like she's dead a corner somewhere and actually he's ironing his own shirts. I find that hard to believe.
01:05:02
Speaker
it's One hand ironing pants, the other hand looking at his camera. to Well, he's like, stop asking me questions, ma. No. You're so good at ironing pants, mom.
01:05:16
Speaker
I need you to iron my pants. I got a hot date. Don't ask me about her though. I love, though, that when she does, like, fuck with the mom and is like, hey, we can have you a clinical trial for you and we can help you solve your your health problems. Medical and problems, yeah. and I love that he's, what does he say? He's leave mama alone. You win.
01:05:39
Speaker
Leave mama alone. That's a fun text message to hear read out loud. Yeah, you win. Leave mama alone. So at one point, he's like texting her that like, oh, you look nice today. And she's like, where are you?
01:05:54
Speaker
Stop hiding. You're being a little bitch. And he just starts like she grabs him like she finds him in the middle of the park or whatever. And just like it's like, stop it. And he's like, I don't know what's wrong with me. i'm so underemployed. And that's why this is happening.
01:06:10
Speaker
And then why don't you just take me back? And she's like, because I don't want to. And he calls her a bitch and she slaps him. It's so good. And then creepy things are happening at her house, right? Like the the elevator keeps coming up. And I'm like, how are you such a boss babe that you are too much of a you're too much of a boss babe to ask anyone for help, but not enough of a boss babe to fire your doorman for letting in this guy.
01:06:42
Speaker
Or buy a gun. Or have some mace. Or a baseball bat. Literally anything. Telling me you didn't play girls softball at some point? Like you that's not just hanging out in the closet?
01:06:53
Speaker
So yeah, we think that she's one with the leave mama alone text and she's like feeling good back to the good life, except she arrives at work on the day of the big presentation that she's been preparing for for months.
01:07:08
Speaker
And there's black and white printouts because clearly this man went to the library and he could not afford color copies. 100 prints for free every month. And he used them all today.
01:07:22
Speaker
Dude, Garrett, in Chicago, you get 10 free prints per day. Do you think you just went in, like if New York has a similar thing, do you think you went in every day and used up his 10 free black and white prints, and then the next day, 10 free black and white prints and he'd been planning this for weeks and even though she did talk to his mom and that freaked him out like he had already printed out all these pictures and it had taken so much time that he's like I have to do this anyway
01:07:57
Speaker
See, here in Nashville, I think we get like 50 or 100 a month. I don't think it's like a daily limit. um So I'd like to think that, you know, for timeline wise, he went in on the 31st, got his 100, came back on the first.
01:08:12
Speaker
so it was a It was a pretty good amount. But yeah, you're right. Like from the beginning, he's like, I have a feeling I'm going to need these. Every day goes to the library and prints out 10. Yeah, that so that i mean, both work.
01:08:25
Speaker
and And so ah the the she gets to work and the these black and white photos of her in lingerie, not that big a deal. She's not naked in them. I don't know why she's so worried. I mean, I guess- And she looks great in them. and She looks great.
01:08:39
Speaker
And they're scattered around everywhere. The the like receptionist from her office is so sweet. He's like helping her pick them up. And I was like, yeah, this seems like the kind of thing that would get you sympathy from most people.
01:08:52
Speaker
And again- You're not naked in them. And the people coming today are French. So they're not going to be offended. They're French. They're like, ah, yes, I have some of myself.
01:09:05
Speaker
Ah, yes. I didn't know it was bring your ah erotic photos to work day. she's lost the big account.
01:09:15
Speaker
ah she's lost the big account Boss says, I'm going to take this account. Even though they cleaned up all the photos before any French people saw them. He's like, clearly you can't handle your shit or whatever.
01:09:29
Speaker
um instead of calling the cops, because now what he's done is an actual crime. There's absolutely a crime. Revenge porn is a crime. Harassment. These are crimes. so She does not go to the ah cops. She's too much of a boss, babe. And she did not take all those self-defense classes not to use them.
01:09:45
Speaker
So she just goes to his house and beats the shit out of him. I'm ah so mad about this because it's such a good ending. I told you not to fuck with me. She screams as she turns his face into hey the blood is spraying up on her face as she pummel.
Climactic Confrontation and Satisfying Ending
01:10:08
Speaker
God, he goes to open the door. She smashes it into his face and UFC ground and pound. Like it's so good. She immediately goes back to work and takes over the presentation.
01:10:24
Speaker
She has more boss babe energy than ever. It is insane that this movie essentially gives you the saddest. You watch such a dog shit movie. Yeah. and And the absolute reward you get at the end is the feel good ending of Inglorious Bastards.
01:10:41
Speaker
Like. like like No, Garrett, the movie's not content to leave you with that feeling because he's not dead and he hasn't learned a lesson. He's bloody and saying to his mom, I found someone, mama.
01:10:57
Speaker
She's the one She's the one That's great, though. i actually really like that. That's funny. I mean, it was funny, but then we see her like laughing to herself at her apartment, having a good time. And I was like, is this a Phantom Thread thing?
01:11:13
Speaker
Are they like in a weird relationship now where he's going to harass her, she's going to beat the shit out of them, and they're both somehow getting something out of this relationship that is more than they would have gotten in a traditional sane relationship where no one's trying to kill each other?
01:11:35
Speaker
yeah know No, Garrett, that's us trying to make the movie good again. Stop it. you know that's the It's the you and me and everyone we know thing. It's just back and forth forever.
01:11:48
Speaker
I mean, it's a wild ending. i don't think it makes up for all of the horrible shit we went through. But it is satisfying to see her punch the ever-loving shit out of him.
01:12:02
Speaker
And after that, it does go back to the score of this, which we haven't mentioned, mentioned which is an auto-tuned,
01:12:10
Speaker
as someone plucks harp strings. And that sounds, me describing it sounds worse than it was, but like it's noticeable. Yeah. Yeah.
01:12:22
Speaker
Kit, how does it feel to have selected... One of the worst movies we've watched. And I'm not saying that as like I'm mad at you. I think that's funny.
01:12:33
Speaker
I know you're not. Most of the time I'm in charge of curating and picking what the next thing we watch is. You did this. I did this. You did this to us. You did this to our listeners. i did. We paid $5 to rent this.
01:12:47
Speaker
Yes, I did. I would not encourage my listeners to also pay $5 to rent this. Do not do that. We may be the only people in America who watched this movie. It made $95,000 at the box office domestically.
01:13:03
Speaker
That's actually insane. yeah like i mean, insane good for them. $95,000? That's like...
01:13:11
Speaker
that's What brought anyone to the theater to see this? They were hoping to see Alicia Silverstone's tits and did not get that. They didn't even get the French lady's tits. There were no tits.
01:13:23
Speaker
Why is this rated R? Did they say the word fuck too many times? Well, you can't show Conolingus in a PG-13 movie. You can barely show it in R. Gary. The MPAA only allowed the R because they were like, finally, something's happening.
01:13:38
Speaker
Finally, something's happening.
01:13:42
Speaker
uh uh any other uh fun but oh when she's talking to the the play friend and uh she asks what's up with his roommate because he had said like oh i have a roommate um and she's like roommate he lives with his mom um yeah that one got me oh One that got me was her talking to her own friend at a bar, which is maybe the only other woman.
01:14:12
Speaker
That was her sister. It looks nothing like her, but they do mention like we had to do this thing for mom this weekend. Like a weird end of a conversation where she said, do you want to go skydiving again? and she's like, yes.
01:14:25
Speaker
Yeah. Why is that there? I don't know. We couldn't do any of the stuff you suggested. Sister is like, listen, you need to stop looking. at that She's checking out a cute waiter and the sister is like, oh, are you going to take him home tonight? And she's like, i don't know, maybe. And sister says, he's probably too old for you.
01:14:46
Speaker
and at least the silver sun's like, yeah. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, she she has a history of... ah yeah We don't even have to get in. Sister's like, you need to find yourself a real man. And she's like, I don't need a man to make me whole.
01:15:03
Speaker
And I was like, that's beautiful. But maybe you do. Maybe you need a man you can just punch in the goddamn face over and over and over again.
01:15:15
Speaker
Maybe that's what all the girl bosses out there really need. Because you have to deal with so many shitty men. This one will let you punch him in the face after ah he's pissed you off.
01:15:29
Speaker
That's not the worst idea I've ever heard. Stop making the movie more interesting, Kit! No! Stop it. Stop it. Just bring it home and let's get this behind us and let's move on from Alicia Silverstone.
01:15:43
Speaker
I love you, Alicia, but I can't do it for a fourth goddamn time. You're yeah done. You're in the doghouse with Antonio Banderas. All right, Garrett, were you aroused?
01:15:57
Speaker
Scale of one to five.
01:16:01
Speaker
one i'll give it a one solely for the photograph and the cunnilingus the photograph the cunnilingus and i would say when he put her up against the wall in paris that was okay uh i will yeah and ripped her prom dress a little the clothes in this are so weird uh yeah i i will also give it a one were you thrilled As the movie went on, and like when you see him appear behind her in her apartment after the elevator door closes, that was a little like, oh shit, here we go. Like something's going to happen.
01:16:35
Speaker
I think it's funny that it didn't. And the, I was, app you know what? I was absolutely thrilled when she ground and pounded him because it did not go as I expected. And it's such like, I mean, it is, it is that shock. Boxing lessons right there.
01:16:51
Speaker
It is that shot in Inglourious Bastards where they're machine gunning Hitler's face from, you know, two feet away. yeah And it's just disappearing. Like the same level of joy hit me in that moment.
01:17:02
Speaker
Is the juice worth the squeeze to get there? no No. The answer is no. but Because I did sit through it. I'm going to go ahead and even bump it to a two.
01:17:13
Speaker
Because that one moment provided me with enough of a smile that I felt more than one. Uh, the most thrilled I felt was when they were having sex in his house and I was terrified that mom was going to walk in at any moment. Like that genuinely had me on, uh, pins and needles.
01:17:32
Speaker
Uh, John was so uncomfortable. He had to leave the room. Because it was I was like, who is this horny and stupid? You're not 16. you You know you live with your mom.
01:17:44
Speaker
And you know she's a nosy bitch.
01:17:48
Speaker
um The only other thrills really for me was just me yelling at the the TV about... uh like call the cops tell your doorman like it's not that complicated why does this movie act like she's the first woman to ever have been stalked and she has no idea she's never heard of this before and has no idea what anyone could do about it this is insane don't go boss too close to the sun don't take in cells to europe I know, right?
01:18:18
Speaker
ah Yeah, important life lessons. ah I don't know that that really counts as thrilling. going to give it a one and a half.
01:18:29
Speaker
Would you, Garrett, ruin your life for this football hooligan without a British accent? No. No. He's not even charming at the beginning.
01:18:44
Speaker
know! What? If I had to choose a man to have sex with and my room and in it would have not been him. It would not have been him. Under any circumstances. And there are other hot young men in the room. That's the thing is like, yeah, all the old rich guys are too old for her. Sure.
01:19:01
Speaker
But there are other cater waiters. Yeah. That you could have picked. Um. um under no circumstances. Not to mention, the sex with him did not look good enough to call him the next day.
01:19:16
Speaker
And if you had not texted him the next day, ah he never would have found you.
01:19:24
Speaker
Yeah. He would never have known how. Nope.
Would You Ruin Your Life for Excitement?
01:19:29
Speaker
Absolutely not. Not ruining my life for this football hooligan. ah Garrett, would you ruin your life, though, for a lady who ah looks like Alicia Silverstone and takes you to Paris on your second date?
01:19:44
Speaker
I could see how we'd get there. Yeah? Like, i think that this version of Alicia Silverstone, while still ah a beautiful lady in all those photos, there's just a weird sadness to her and her face that, like... Doesn't that make you want to make her happy, though? Doesn't that make you want to make her smile? um I'm just like, I don't know. She seems like a bummer. But, like, also, I do need a new digital camera.
01:20:11
Speaker
um And a free test to get baguettes at the source. As weird as is, and as much as I don't like international travel, Well, you get to go business class.
01:20:24
Speaker
so I know. That looks really nice. I do think I would. I think that she's she is offering something different to me than the other ladies in this app. She's my sugar mommy. I haven't had that before. That has never even been a fantasy.
01:20:38
Speaker
So, you know what? Yeah. Yeah. I'll ruin my life for Alicia Silverstone.
Review of 'We Have Baby Girl at Home'
01:20:41
Speaker
This first time that we've done that in four erotic thrillers for her. Oh, wow. Yeah. Before, we have not been willing to ruin our lives for her.
01:20:49
Speaker
And now... Yeah. I can see it. I can see being swept up and treated like a princess and being excited about that. And ah then that driving you crazy when she drops your ass because you don't know any words over one syllable long and you say like all the time.
01:21:14
Speaker
Gare Bear, we just watched the We Have Baby Girl at Home movie.
01:21:23
Speaker
It's really bad. It's really bad. He doesn't even have actual naked photos of her. I don't know why. like there are no stakes except for the fact that she is too stubborn to actually do anything about her situation. All right. ah Do we recommend it?
Reflections on Obscure Movies
01:21:42
Speaker
No, we do not. I'm just going to say it for you. No, we do not. Kit, you did this to me. I'm it actually makes me feel a little less bad about what I've had done to you. Oh, no, no, no. All my moral high ground is gone.
01:21:56
Speaker
gone. You lost it with this one. Hey, there's no way to know. It's a grab bag with a lot of them. It's a grab Yep. And just so few people have watched this. at on my letterboxd.
01:22:08
Speaker
It is now listed as officially the most obscure movie I've watched this year. how prior to that was save me. It's always going to be something that we did.
01:22:19
Speaker
It's this show's fault.
Apologies and Listener Engagement
01:22:22
Speaker
Um, but yeah. Hey everybody. Uh, sorry. I have, I've not, I've been off social media, so i haven't checked anything on our Instagram. I'm sorry.
01:22:30
Speaker
I've not been checking the emails. We both have life going on. We'll get back to that. I'm sure we need to, we need to be better about it. Do those erotic thriller club at gmail.com. We'll get there.
01:22:40
Speaker
Uh, had erotic thriller club on Instagram. Send us any questions, concerns, ah recommendations, ah you know, give us a comment, follow algorithm, all that stuff. We love you.
01:22:57
Speaker
And as always, wet your snails. Fidelio pig man. We want to shake you naked and eat you alive.