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Amish Stud: The Eli Weaver Story (2023)
73 Plays1 month ago
This week Garrett is joined by his old Predetermined co host Chris Migs to discuss the 2023 true crime Lifetime Original movie Amish Stud, the tale of a man who loved getting head so much he let it drive him to murder.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, a butter churn and gather around your radio. It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.
Film Overview: 'Amish Stud: The Eli Weaver Story'
00:00:21
Speaker
Is antithesis, mysterious and dangerous And oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the edges So if you're fatally attracted to the racier stuff Arotic Film Club Basically instinctively crave the salacious Arotic Film Club If you want a raci movie and you're too classy for smart
00:01:04
Speaker
Eli Weaver is your average man. He runs a fishing and ammo store. He has a cool flip phone. He likes getting head, has a neck beard, rides a horse and buggy.
00:01:16
Speaker
Oh yeah, he's Amish. Like, really Amish. Very, very Amish. But also really likes getting head. Will a healthy love of getting sucked off lead to a life of murder, prison, and eventually hell?
00:01:31
Speaker
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club.
Co-host Change & Chris Miggs' Movie Suggestion
00:01:34
Speaker
Amish Stud, the Eli Weaver story. Hey, everybody. Welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. Garrett Callender here.
00:01:43
Speaker
This is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? Would I ruin my life for this person? This week, Kit had an emergency and had to step out for the episode, so but please send some love her way, some positive vibes, and ah if you're Amish, some prayers.
00:02:04
Speaker
ah This week, I'm joined by my dear friend and former podcast partner of predetermined a pro wrestling hangout, Chris Miggs.
00:02:14
Speaker
Cracking one open. it's ah It's great to be here, Garrett. um I want to start by apologizing because I think this this movie was was my suggestion. I saw an ad for it a long time ago and thought to myself,
00:02:28
Speaker
erotic thriller in the Amish country. That's, that's one for Garrett. And so when this came up, you said, well, let's watch this. Let's do it. And, um, I think I've brought to you the least sexy movie in the history of the podcast.
00:02:41
Speaker
Just so you know, what movie happened last week for us was about a couple that introduced a corpse into their threesome. and for the last two movies, we've been shadow banned on YouTube for content.
Family-Friendly Aspects of the Film
00:02:59
Speaker
So we actually did need to knock it down a bit and like rein it in get a little more a little more family friendly. is Family friendly as a head loving Amishman is.
00:03:11
Speaker
I mean, legit, this was this movie was so family-friendly that like but my two-year-old was around when we were watching it. and we Neither my wife nor I were like, you can't see this. It's like, this is fine.
00:03:26
Speaker
This is life. This is life in the old country. Yeah. We got to prepare. We live in New York, so we'll eventually drive to Pennsylvania Dutch and watch some butter churning and eat some ham loaf.
00:03:38
Speaker
You know, that's what my parents loved that when I was a kid. So I'm sure we'll do it at some point. And so this is just preparing her just to understand that if a slightly above average Amish man approaches her, don't.
Amish Traditions and Cultural Insights
00:03:53
Speaker
Don't. Don't. Don't. Just. Just don't. But not. His whoopee. Yeah. Yeah.
00:04:05
Speaker
You're actually making me really sad. i didn't know that the ham loaves were an Amish thing. I thought that was just something that my mom brought home from church sometimes. Am I Amish?
00:04:17
Speaker
Maybe. What if this is where I found out? My awareness of ham loaves was Pennsylvania Dutch, where this movie took place. So that's the only place I've ever seen a ham loave, Garrett.
00:04:28
Speaker
Turns out I've never even been on the internet. I've just been using my imagination really hard.
00:04:36
Speaker
I've created a whole world, Chris, and it sucks.
00:04:44
Speaker
Well, because if you didn't imagine it, it would all be a big sin, Garrett. That internet's against the ordnance. The Ordnung. I love that. I love that. That really makes it feel like a mystical Lord of the Rings kind of thing where, you know, there's there's a bit of mystique and magic to it with that word.
00:05:04
Speaker
And this movie really showed me... Actually, I don't know if it did show me. Maybe you can help me understand. So as far as going to hell... Because, folks, this is a true story.
00:05:17
Speaker
And somehow, some of the craziest parts of this story, because I watched ah an A&E thing on it on YouTube as well, the craziest stuff that happened that seemed made up for this are the real parts.
00:05:29
Speaker
So... well But yeah. yeah they They were so dedicated to accuracy in this film that... the The murdered person, their name is Barbara.
00:05:45
Speaker
And spoiler, can I spoil it, Garrett? Yeah, go ahead. The murderer's name is Barb. Barbara and Barb, they weren't like, you know, maybe we should make one of them named Jenny.
00:05:58
Speaker
Like, they just did not. They're like, didn no, no. It's Barbara. It's Barb. This goes back. the i wrote a screenplay for the first time. When I was a freshman in college, I took a class in it with this guy who used to teach at Yale Drama and was for some reason slumming it at my college for ah semester.
Glamorization in Casting
00:06:16
Speaker
And i I wrote this script that was sort of true to life. It was about some like things that happened to me in my senior year of high school. And um one of the characters was named Christina. And he was like, don't.
00:06:30
Speaker
Your name is Chris. Your character's name. Just don't. what Why? Why? Um, I actually, that but one thing I'll always remember that he said to me, um, is he said, I told him, well, ah part of the issue with some of these things you're saying about in terms of like fixing this is that the story is true.
00:06:45
Speaker
And he said, you know, you get to make it up.
00:06:50
Speaker
And I feel like someone may have needed to tell these guys when they wrote this one that. this is going to be on TV folks. Uh, but there was somebody behind the scenes that was just like, no, I like barb on barb crime. I need, i need, I need two barbs going at it.
00:07:07
Speaker
A hot barb and a homely barb. And the homely one's the one given head folks. she When you look at the real life people, because obviously TV, you have to get,
00:07:19
Speaker
get some hotter people. So for Eli, we have Luke, uh, Luke McFarlane, who, if you saw the Billy Eichner rom-com bros, he was Billy Eichner's boyfriend in that he's currently in the Seth Rogen Apple plus show.
00:07:37
Speaker
what the hell is that called want some awards and stuff right but platonic yeah yeah not that different seth rogan apple plus show oh different one okay different one but
Moral Conflicts in Amish Beliefs
00:07:47
Speaker
he's great in both of those so i was excited to see him with a neck beard he's a handsome man but when you look at the actual barb and eli they look like they'd be background actors in a rob zombie movie which uh is not
00:08:06
Speaker
Well, the real Eli, right, they gave it's like a little bit of a glow up. Like he's obviously a handsomer guy, but it's relatively accurate. You sort of get the vibe. but He's like a slightly tweaked version.
00:08:17
Speaker
The real Barb is man. Did they have to that? They step her up for the movie. And they didn't set her up like crazy, was but still like.
00:08:28
Speaker
For movie, they stepped. Yeah. For TV, like she's one of the lesser. like I feel that's not nice to say to the about the actress. But like, yeah, they trust me. the The real person got a glow up.
00:08:40
Speaker
Yeah. yeah But what I wanted to ask, because throughout this movie, our, our hero, Eli, i like to refer to the lead as the hero, regardless of what they've done throughout the the film.
00:08:53
Speaker
He, there's so many levels of, well, yeah, I guess that can send you to hell, but it seems like the murder one is a definite, but the getting head ones are maybe misdemeanors.
00:09:05
Speaker
Yeah. How many of those do you got to collect before you
True Story Elements in the Film
00:09:08
Speaker
get a hell sentence? Or if you just apologize. It was unclear. And part of the thing that I thought was really interesting was that he has this sort of this point that he makes to his wife when she doesn't want to give him head. And he's like, well, but you're supposed to submit to your husband. So like.
00:09:27
Speaker
what it's it's an either or a violation of the ordning here when you really think about it. And I was like, you know, that's a fair argument. Like, from as a lawyer, right? Like, it's technically
00:09:41
Speaker
both do seem to be violations here. So I don't know who's administering the ordning, if it's just, if it's supposed to be the guy, and the the preacher guy, or if it's just God.
00:09:52
Speaker
And if that's the case, that's a great question for God. yeah Right now I'm picturing you on the bench, either in an actual courtroom or at the gates of heaven.
00:10:04
Speaker
Just like, listen, it's very unclear that this, you find him a legal loophole into heaven because this is, she didn't submit. And he was very angry about that and left for six months to go get head elsewhere.
00:10:21
Speaker
Right? Okay.
Understanding Amish Life and Rumspringa
00:10:22
Speaker
So just to, let's set this movie up. The movie starts with a murder. This woman was shotgunned in bed. Right. This, his beautiful wife who loves God, like really loves God.
00:10:37
Speaker
But if you're wondering, like, because I think in a lot of our minds, Amish, pretty wholesome, but this shows me that the, uh, the bureaucratic loopholes of Amishness,
00:10:49
Speaker
suck just as much as the regular world you just don't get to watch TV yeah yeah the bureaucratic stuff is is real bad he's like could I just like get divorced and they're like no then you just won't have a life ever and it's like well I guess I gotta stay in this for a little bit here um
00:11:13
Speaker
And it's not like he has a lot to stay for. he This is an Amish man who clearly values head over God. And he just seems to have this energy where he's just like, honestly, this is just kind of the most important thing. It all just seems like he doesn't seem to have a type even, least based on the movie. He's just like, you know, man, whatever. Anyone who's willing, here. I like it.
00:11:41
Speaker
and just like it He likes a warm mouth. And I think that if they we would have explored his rumspringa a little further, we would have seen that he... Rumspringa's wild, by the way. i mean, we all know what rumspringa is. I feel like that's something that's been in pop culture like enough that anybody would really know. But, you know, where you get to go off and get wild.
00:12:08
Speaker
but It's a weird thing in general, though, when you think about that's also kind of a weird thing when you're like, look, these rules are very, very important. So what we're going to suggest is that you go spend it like six months just breaking all of these rules and just seeing how that feels.
00:12:24
Speaker
And you're like, well, then what makes the rules important later? If I could break them for like
Eli Weaver's Manipulative Relationships
00:12:30
Speaker
six months? had I think it's like, how's that work? it' Honestly, it might be a, uh, a thing that shows like, you know, if you smoke cigarettes and you can get addicted, but then quit and walk away from them, that it shows that you're strong.
00:12:46
Speaker
So you go out there, you get sucked off, you drink booze, you watch the eighties Ninja Turtles cartoon on YouTube. You do whatever you need to do but you come back.
00:12:58
Speaker
You come back, you churn the butter, you help us raise the barn. You you just be ah you be a good guy and cover up any crimes that the men may commit.
00:13:09
Speaker
Because as 9-1-1 is called after this murder and two detectives show up, Chris, I wish to God you and i could have been the detectives in this film.
00:13:21
Speaker
but We could have been. Oh, we would be so good at this. And I love that the second you get to the preacher guy is like, hey, you're out of your jurisdiction here. And they're like well, this is a crime, so we do need to be here. And they're like, actually, this is God's jurisdiction. Get the fuck out.
00:13:41
Speaker
Well, the exposition setting it up where the one detective is like, so rookie, you're new here. This guy's going to tell me to get fucked. And then...
00:13:54
Speaker
And then he does it. And then he's like, see, I told you. he establishes that guy's authority. It does. It does. But it also is like, all right. And now I'm going to explain to you what an Amish person is for the folks watching Lifetime that don't know.
00:14:14
Speaker
yeah but Yeah, folks, this is a lifetime movie. This is the first time Erotic Thriller Club has dived into a ah a lifetime made-for-TV, TV-14 kind of movie.
00:14:26
Speaker
Yeah, and well and what I like about that is that they do have to get into certain things in a way that is sort of like, they've got to work around it. They've got to they've got to figure out the way to to impress things. like So, for example, we find out when when Eli and his wife first meet,
00:14:45
Speaker
The way they meet is that she's made some pie, ah cherry pie, right? And she she loves pie. And he wants to know if it's a good cherry pie.
00:14:57
Speaker
And she says when he tastes her cherry boy
Production and Cultural Representation
00:15:00
Speaker
pie, he's going to love it. um And and he he does. He does indeed taste the cherry pie.
00:15:08
Speaker
he loves it. I did find out... thinks it's delicious. He thinks it's delicious, and she assures him that it will be, though I don't think she knew what they were talking about but before that.
00:15:20
Speaker
Because I love... When we see her rumspringa, everybody's out drinking booze in the barn or whatever, and she's just up in the barn... She's just up in a room reading smut novels, which right have lines like...
00:15:38
Speaker
Oh my God, where are they? He kissed her so deeply she could no longer deny her faith in God. That'd be the worst kiss of my life, Chris. If one night I kissed my wife and then just suddenly, like, it was just like, I feel Jesus inside of me. I'd be like, what happened?
00:15:56
Speaker
yeah i need electroshock therapy. I can't stop thinking about this beautiful man with the abs. Well, and is her sister calls it a real bonnet ripper. that's such a good Such a good line.
00:16:11
Speaker
yeah You know, the movie isn't poorly written. No, there's a lot of good stuff there. The sister's a great character. um shes her Her general attitude is fuck this shit. and And it's an appropriate one all the way through.
00:16:26
Speaker
There's a sequel where she axe murders every man at that place and gets those children out of there. Because it is hell. It is hell. ah Let's see where I love after his pie.
00:16:39
Speaker
He takes her out on a horse and buggy ride and just pulls a digital camera or a Polaroid or something out of his his. I love that. This is an Amish man who has just been, i don't know, keistering electronics so that nobody finds them.
00:16:56
Speaker
But he's like, I need a lot of pockets. It's so many pockets and a big old hat. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. he's height They're like, how do you hide all these electronics? Well, in my big coat, my big jackets, my hat. I got all these places to put the
Comparing Amish and Quaker Communities
00:17:10
Speaker
electronics. It's pretty straightforward.
00:17:13
Speaker
You mean you put a new hand in your Bible in pockets?
00:17:18
Speaker
I also like that he runs a tackle shop. Because that is indeed also, right? Like people, you know, tackle is a euphemism. um actually learned that at my college graduation.
00:17:31
Speaker
Ever told you the story, Gary? I don't think so. So I went to a college in Pennsylvania, not not an Amish one, but it's a Quaker college.
00:17:42
Speaker
and And part of the thing is that they, um every year for the graduation, there's like a distinct, you know, they have like honorary graduates and stuff, right? People give speeches. And there's one who's always a Quaker person.
00:17:55
Speaker
And the year that I graduated from college, the speaker was Dave Matthews. As in of of Dave Matthews band. Because he's a Quaker. And Dave Matthews was visibly high at like 11 in the morning on a Saturday giving this speech. like It's a Saturday. Don't judge the man. He probably went to brunch before that.
00:18:15
Speaker
The eggs taste better that way. It's fine. um But he's like, you know, he's like talking about like, well, you know, I mean. talking He's talking about like a concept of God. new God, like he, well.
00:18:29
Speaker
He's like, well, why am I saying he? It's not like, you know, it's not like God's got tackle. And I'm like, fair. Yeah, I guess God doesn't have genitalia. Thanks, Dave Matthews. The other thing I remember from that speech is he said he finds God in natural things like rivers, lakes and breasts before enhancement.
00:18:48
Speaker
That's a quote.
Eli's Marital Issues and Infidelity
00:18:49
Speaker
I love that Dave Matthews went up there stoned and just like, I'm going to wing this one. Yeah.
00:18:56
Speaker
A great day in a lot of people's lives. For some reason, Dave Matthews is there and he's like, you know what? I'm going to talk about God's dick. Those were the thoughts he wanted to share with my grandmother.
00:19:10
Speaker
Who did not mind. Who was that foul man and why did he keep doing those odd dances?
00:19:22
Speaker
So, you know, they've been been together a minute in this movie and we get to ah scene we kind of already discussed where he's just like, you must submit to me, remove my pants.
00:19:35
Speaker
And she's like, but God. And he's like, but my dick and storms out of the house and leaves her for six months, I think. Right. Right. And that's one of the sexiest, so so in terms of like erotic moments, there is sort of like an ah an erotic moment right before she's like, i just can't do it. And he's like, god damn it.
00:19:55
Speaker
But although it's it's a it's a pause to slow moment, right? Because he's trying to get his hand up her dress, but it's such a big dress. That's a process.
00:20:06
Speaker
Right? So there's that famous Don Draper scene in Mad Men, right? Where he like sticks his hand up. What's her name? ah ah The guy's wife. It's always someone's wife in Mad Men, but the actor's wife.
00:20:19
Speaker
m ah A church misdemeanor. It's like that scene, but just so much slower because there's so much stress. He's just praying to God for fewer layers.
00:20:34
Speaker
That's why he had to go out into the world to find some people who were just wearing a tank top and jeans, which made a lot easier for him.
00:20:43
Speaker
i love I paused it because I said, how far are we in? we We're about 17 minutes in. So we've seen the murder. We've been introduced to the family. We've seen the pie. And then you realize 17 minutes in, this is the tale of a religious man who just wants to go get ahead. and And that is all this movie is.
00:21:03
Speaker
He is an absolute psychopath. But I also get it. Because you you text me that you thought it was funny that that was his kink. But also when you're Amish, you're starting so... The bar is so low for intercourse in the Amish community, I think.
00:21:20
Speaker
I assume. Sure. At least they're pretending that that's the case. That... It's pretty exciting. And when you're not... like Somewhere along the way it happened and he never stopped thinking about it.
00:21:36
Speaker
so Yeah. If you're not getting it, it's going to be your favorite. it's that there's it's and There's erotic moments in this movie, but they're erotic in the context of like how chaste everyone else is You're like, oh man,
00:21:54
Speaker
he's having a tickle fight on the bed with that lady. And you're like, but but yeah, but for him...
00:22:01
Speaker
That's foreplay. It's so much. Yeah. Let me read you a couple passages from the Bible and the sexier ones. I mind you, there's no clothes on anyone in these pages.
00:22:14
Speaker
But when he gets so mad at her and I was a little confused with this because when we do see because it jumps to one of his girlfriends being in interrogated or investigated by the the police is somebody who may have information about him.
00:22:28
Speaker
And her information is basically, oh, yeah, he has a very abusive wife at home.
00:22:36
Speaker
insane because this is just a very meek woman who just wants to love God and have a family but her husband is the dirt worst he's lied to these ladies he says his life is bad turns out he's the one that's kind of bad He's not
Online Identity and Early Internet Era
00:22:54
Speaker
so good. And folks, well, the first lady he meets at a pool hall, and I love Amish flirting.
00:23:01
Speaker
He is, it is impossible to hide the Amishness of this man. he it is a intense neck beard, a little more groomed than a normal Amish, I would say. So shame, shame, Hollywood.
00:23:13
Speaker
Don't handsome this guy up. I need to, I need to see the work on his face. What is he? um trying to remember. he Oh, he says ah he's basically trying to hustle her and pool where he's like, if you win, I'll give you a beer. And and if I win head like head, and she's just like, Jesus Christ. But look how handsome you are.
00:23:37
Speaker
Invites him to live with her immediately where he lives for six months and figures out the Internet. He fingers out the internet there. that's where the That's where we find out the name, right?
00:23:48
Speaker
that's He's the Amish stud because that was his chat room name. Love that. And it got me thinking, do you have any old embarrassing internet handles that would end up being the title to your ah lifetime erotic thriller? Ooh.
00:24:09
Speaker
Um...
00:24:13
Speaker
You know, mine were, I did not have a ton of ones that were that bad. I did have one though. um that was just, uh, was whole SP, which seems weird, but it was, I was just really into the band hole and the smashing pumpkins for like six months in 1998. So I just put those two together.
00:24:35
Speaker
That was my hotmail email. Oh man. Mine's going to be a hotmail address too. Also a musical group. I hope you're ready. Fourth, fifth grade when I had my hotmail address.
00:24:47
Speaker
Huge Spice Girl fan. And you better goddamn believe Spice Boy. Because I was a boy. Spice Boy. Boy. And i I like the Spice Girls.
00:25:00
Speaker
How do you not currently own a shirt that says Spice Spice Boy.
00:25:06
Speaker
That does seem like a wrestler we would have covered at some point. It's just like somebody blows seasonings in your eyes and then gets you with a so ah roll up.
00:25:17
Speaker
Like that might be my next extremely serious wrestling character is just Spice Boy. Well, trademark and you can't get the hotmail address. It's taken, I think, unless it expired somewhere along the the way.
00:25:31
Speaker
i did have i was I did have a wrestling one that was related to the wrestler Sting. But it was just to so like Sting and then like a number. Because again, I wasn't that creative. was seventh grade or whatever and came up with it.
00:25:43
Speaker
And so people would ask me, are you really into like fields of gold? And I'm like, no, I actually really don't like that Sting. I have to explain to you, there's there's also a wrestler with the exact same name as the musician guy.
00:25:57
Speaker
I know this is confusing, but people, you know, had to explain for a long time that I was just not just not that into. Hey, yeah both of them, ah both of them work with this podcast.
00:26:09
Speaker
Music sting. he Tantric sex. That guy could come for hours. Very erotic. That sting. Right. Sting the wrestler loves God. Whole book about it.
00:26:21
Speaker
got it on my shelf it didn't work i i don't i'm not gonna tell him that it didn't work on me but if anybody could have gotten me into god it was sting it didn't happen but so we just gotta move on yeah yeah on the you'd ruin your life for them scale weirdly sting the musician much higher up there than um sting the wrestler would we think steve borden yeah Yeah, you'd think we would grow in our life for Sting the Wrestler, in it but like and most we've just like traveled a couple places to watch him wrestle, but Sting the Musician, that's, you
Barb's Role in the Murder Plot
00:26:55
Speaker
know.
00:26:55
Speaker
He could teach me things that I can use in my, my rum spring of life. If the, if this Amish man was able to master the tantric arts, oh my God, he would be such a nightmare.
00:27:12
Speaker
He's already, been and and he murdered somebody, mind you, or he was there for it. My mom actually, i would say my mom met, um sting the musician at a funeral.
00:27:23
Speaker
Uh, her, uh, her mom's friend like son played in stings band for a bit and and my mom who came home and no no not the police that is i know it i'm goofing i'm goofing um but uh my mom came home was like that sting he's handsome something about that guy and i'm like all right that's a weird takeaway from that funeral mom That is rude of a famous person to show up to any funeral.
00:27:53
Speaker
It really does take away from from the guest of honor. Eh, you know. I pay his respects. Anyway. um Sorry.
00:28:05
Speaker
so Okay. So he lives with this lady and we do get an actual sex scene where he just tears this woman's shirt open, motorboats her. He is a kid in a candy store. God isn't real anymore.
00:28:19
Speaker
And... And it's great. He's living his best life. And we see this one sex scene before we get a montage of him just banging women of all shapes and sizes, colors, creeds, no discerning between anyone. If they have a warm mouth, it is for him.
00:28:43
Speaker
i like he is they They show his like come on in the chat room as this in this montage, which appears to be, i want friends, and if you have what it takes you, letter U, can be my friend.
00:28:57
Speaker
He's just out here making friends.
Amish Forgiveness and Family Rejection
00:29:01
Speaker
He's just making friends, that's all. He's just trying to he's trying to spread God's love. I love that basically this woman who is paying for all of his stuff because he is an Amish man who has just gone into regular life, found someone to take him in suck him off, pay for his meals.
00:29:21
Speaker
He's out there getting sucked off by half the town. And she's like, listen, I don't know how things work in Amish country, but if you're going to live in my house, you can't be running around getting sucked off.
00:29:32
Speaker
And he says, well, then I guess I have to leave. and And he goes to his truck, opens his wallet to reveal he has $2, which was very, very funny.
00:29:44
Speaker
And then we get to one of my favorite scenes in the movie, him going back to his dad and being like, so dad.
00:29:52
Speaker
sorry ah sorry about all of it and his dad just being like fucking eli this is like the eighth time you've done this you can't just keep running out getting sucked off and coming back and you can't just be part of the family like you're in or you're out and you're out and then he quotes a bible verse at his dad and his dad's essentially like fuck you're right if i don't forgive you i go to hell
00:30:24
Speaker
What he says it specifically is like, forgive him not seven, but 77 times, which I think was the number of ladies. I think that was the point, right? The 77 is a specific number.
00:30:38
Speaker
And he's like basically right around seven, eight women. So he actually has a lot of leeway that he can still, you know, suck his way across the the county.
00:30:49
Speaker
hadn't even made it to the big city yet. It's unclear, the number. I mean, they're just it's a montage. They're just throwing them fast at us. I wasn't counting. The kissing in this movie is unsettling to watch an Amish man. like it's It's a lot more passionate than I would love for it to be. I think it needs to be a little more awkward.
00:31:08
Speaker
It needs to not seem like a kiss that Mark Wahlberg could give in a movie. I don't know. Maybe this man's kiss is... That's what you ruin your life for. He just has...
00:31:20
Speaker
He just has a good kiss. i don't know. and Just a kiss that ruins your life where you see God. I hate that kiss. I hate that. It's the worst superpower. It's the worst superpower. That's like a Medusa situation where he's like, I looked her in the eyes. I saw God and my life sucked the rest of my time on earth.
00:31:40
Speaker
I'm sorry for our religious listeners who are listening to the, the suck off podcast. I'm sure you have a ton, Garrett. I'm sure this is a a large group of,
00:31:51
Speaker
Normally your content is in this podcast is just right up the alley of religious Christian groups. related ah More than you would think. Probably more religious Republicans listen to this podcast than anyone.
00:32:03
Speaker
They're right now outside of like CPAC or whatever you call them. and it Just like grinders going off and this podcast is playing in the room as it's happening. Yeah.
00:32:15
Speaker
i I don't know. I love, though, when we see very quickly he's just, like, cheating on his wife. Or she finds love notes from Stacy, which is not someone we've met. I don't think this is the gal that he lived with.
00:32:29
Speaker
Maybe was. i don't remember. I don't think so. It's hard. They are just kind of all over the place with some of that. Some of the plot, like, timelines, they're just like, oh, yeah, this lady. And then they explain it later. But they don't really set it up well initially. you're just kind of like, don't They're basically like, there's two barbs in this movie. Shut up.
00:32:46
Speaker
no would Stop. But I love that she goes to the the head Amish man and is like, hey, he's sleeping with someone named Stacy. And he's like, well, he already got me with this. You got to forgive him or you go to hell.
Community Reaction and Therapy Contradictions
00:33:02
Speaker
And that suck off thing, you might need to consider doing that because if you've been doing that, maybe that's why he's with Stacy. And she's like, but what about hell? He's this is not, hey. this is complicated are these arguments they go both ways and i'm i'm just a man okay like i'm not gods i don't really understand how to deal with these contradictions um yeah i like i do like that she also goes to an amish there like a therapist well it's not an amish therapist it's just a therapist right who's just like lady you're crazy
00:33:37
Speaker
Here's my suggestion. Just write some of this stuff down and we'll take it from there. Like, I don't i don't know what we were going to do with this book, but like. what He did say if you compile enough ways that you were abused, maybe this head preacher guy will give a shit.
00:33:53
Speaker
And the answer is like, he absolutely would not have. And I will say this movie, I think one of the craziest things about this case is according to the documentary that I watched about it after as well. And I think they say it in this movie, this is the first Amish murder in 250 years.
00:34:14
Speaker
Yeah, right. ah ah Right? Like, the way I see things operate, this is the first time that there was a phone booth outside that an Amish lady who they would have loved to have not used the phone.
00:34:25
Speaker
I think a woman using an electricity is probably way worse than a man, according to God, if I have to guess what these men would say. But i I think there'd been a lot more murders than that. I think a lot of buried women don't love it. Fair guess.
00:34:42
Speaker
Nope. Religion. I do. I did like though that she's very religious and she's all worried about like, kind of like what the preach things, but there's no, there's ah no point to the explain like her feelings about just like going to what's clearly not an Amish therapist where she's just like, well, you know, all of these things, I'm just worried all these things are against God, but like therapy, that's probably fine. And I'm like,
00:35:11
Speaker
We couldn't have had a scene with her sister where she's like, where her sister's like, I think you should call this guy. And she's like, I don't know. You know, i anything just to set that up? Because, like, I just have so many questions about, like, what the logic was where she's like, man, this world, I can't get out of this, but I can definitely, like. Get a Philly to a therapist or wherever. Yeah.
00:35:32
Speaker
To the city therapist who's just like, you know, he's not allowed to tell all this to his friends, but he tells a little. He tells a little more than he should. Oh, yeah.
00:35:42
Speaker
yeah He definitely went to the dinner party that night and was like, guys, have you heard of this thing called the Ordning? And one of them's like, that was in Return of the King, right? That's like the, that's that's where they add they fight through the orcs and then they get to the Ordning?
00:36:02
Speaker
I feel like ah i feel like ah this is some like a lame version of Tony Soprano's therapist.
Eli's Double Life and Manipulative Logic
00:36:08
Speaker
That's what it feels like to me. Like, I'm... Oh my God. He should have ended up with her.
00:36:14
Speaker
He should, he could have saved her and pulled her away, but she, did she had too much to live for there. She had, she had like a mess of kids. And well, that may underplay that in the movie, right? I mean, there's two kids in the movie, but apparently there were like five or something like that.
00:36:28
Speaker
That checks out. And I mean, they had their house was lifetime which is like, we're only going to, we're only going to cast two kids, right? This is so many. They got like six lines a piece. Like we just, we're not paying for three extra kids.
00:36:41
Speaker
And keep in mind this came out in 2023. Definitely shot during COVID times. So you can't, they're actually, they set it in Amish country, I assume, because it was an easier way to have fewer people on set.
00:36:57
Speaker
And to do a lot of the scenes just outside. Like, yeah, we're at the fishing line or we're at the...
00:37:05
Speaker
I love when he comes back and he's like, okay, well, I forgive you because you're right. I don't want to go to hell. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a business. Here's a gun store. Don't kill your wife, please.
00:37:16
Speaker
And here's a house. And the first scene we see of him in this house, he already hates his family. He just does not want to be there.
00:37:27
Speaker
He sneaks off to you. It's the same flip phone I had in college that like flips up to reveal a keyboard But I, I more pictured it. You've seen The Departed, right?
00:37:39
Speaker
No. You watch so many more movies than me, Garrett. That's why, I mean, this is like, no, I haven't. Well, The Departed it won in the Academy Award for Best Picture at one point, so I thought it didn't seem outrageous that you might have seen it.
00:37:51
Speaker
But there's a scene in it where Matt Damon has to, on like you know a phone where you used to have to press button to button to text, has it in his pocket to tell people, like, don't come.
00:38:03
Speaker
Or he has to be secretive about it. And I'm picturing... the I'm picturing Eli Weaver with this phone in his pocket. His son's talking about the giant fish he caught today or whatever.
00:38:16
Speaker
And he is just in his pocket with one hand typing the word head with a question mark to send every contact in his phone just to see who's going to respond so he can get out of there.
00:38:31
Speaker
Whoops. Looks like i got a I got a phone call from God. God's speaking to me and I got to leave the house right now. Oh my God. Daddy, when after dinner, can we walk up on the hill to see the stars?
00:38:46
Speaker
And he is just, he hates that kid. Like to the point, i mean, this is skipping way ahead, but one of the most insane exchanges of dialogue is between Barb and to him when he says, I need you to kill my wife.
00:39:02
Speaker
And she says, how would I do it? He says, i don't know. Sit, blow the house up or something. That's what he said. Blow the house up or something. Her response.
00:39:13
Speaker
What about the children? His response. It's okay. They'll go straight to heaven. What the fuck? Like,
00:39:26
Speaker
There's no version of this where he just leaves, and but he would rather blow up his whole family so he can start from scratch rather than leave the church for the eighth time.
00:39:38
Speaker
You got, what, you said 77 tries at this? You're on... Maybe a baker's dozen at this point. know Yeah, and that one that one's pretty rough where he's just like...
00:39:51
Speaker
Look, their life's going to be terrible. Like, I'm going to kill their mom. Clearly, we'd all know this. And so their life's going to be terrible. So, I mean, like, isn't it better if we just blow this shit? Like, I mean, when you think about it, when do you think about it.
00:40:06
Speaker
That conversation was real, except in this that you see them speak these words, which I'm happy because it's so much more fun to hear it out loud. But it was used in the courtroom. These were text messages sent between them that he says, I don't know, blow the house up or something. and
00:40:26
Speaker
But is the thing about the kids, was that a text too? Yeah, that was part of it. That whole like bit about like, Because they talked about how little remorse he showed for that he was just like so ready to just kill them all.
00:40:40
Speaker
But I think see that to me is crazier, right? Because like him riffing and being like, well, I don't know, whatever about the kids. Like that's terrible. But like it's it's like a verbal riff sounds much less dark than being then typing out like it's okay.
00:41:00
Speaker
like You've got to think through. he's he can't go that fast on that phone. to
00:41:08
Speaker
like He's not just blurting it out. There's so much time for him to think about what his thought and then to type it and then send it and be like, this is something I want to send and convey to another human being.
00:41:22
Speaker
And it's going to take like six minutes to send him that text from God's country. yeah God doesn't have five g No. No, no, no. There is not. There are not 5Gs. There is 1G, and he's right up there.
00:41:38
Speaker
ah Right. And one bar. One bar. Of service. of sort of observ Of service. Of service. Of service. I do like that um the... the that Barb is just his taxi driver. That seems like how they meet.
00:41:57
Speaker
um their My favorite line is some one where she's talking about, um they said like, well, she claimed she was driving him to go fishing, but I did not see any rods.
00:42:07
Speaker
And you're just sort of like, again, this is where the lifetime comes in where you're like, well, we know where the rods were. like
Amish Rules and Exploitation of Loopholes
00:42:14
Speaker
he had her wrapped around his finger. Cause he is, ah he's a sexy, sexy boy and she is less sexy than him.
00:42:21
Speaker
And he would just say things like in his, his move with every woman was like, you make me, what was the exact line he would say? It was like something about, you know, you make me realize like who I want to be kind of like, you know, he has, he has a smooth line that he says, but when Barb starts asking too many questions,
00:42:41
Speaker
He's just like, quit talking, pull over. We have to have sex now. And she can't she can't resist. And it does make the conversation stop. It does.
00:42:53
Speaker
It's an effective move by him. Effective move. I love because everybody's kind of suspicious of their relationship because she's always driving them around when the cops show up to her house and they're I don't know if they've arrested her yet or they're just questioning things and like what does your husband know?
00:43:11
Speaker
She's like nothing. He's a fucking idiot. Don't tell them And then later they're like hey we arrested your wife. why well you know she was having an affair with that man right it really is like king of the hill where where dale's wife is sleeping with john redcorn the whole time and he has no idea yeah and he he just has to go like oh oh yeah guess so she was hmm
00:43:44
Speaker
shucks
00:43:47
Speaker
I guess I get to throw out her stuff now. That's that's good. little space in the house. Also, her taxi company is just called Barb's Taxi, which is, again, one of those. is like Was that just a true name?
00:44:01
Speaker
like You couldn't just be like like Lancaster Taxi or something. Just anything that's a little more descriptive than just being like Barb's Taxi. See, i was i I don't think I was fully clear on that it was a business.
00:44:16
Speaker
It seemed like she was somehow related to the church in a way where it was part of her duties to like help them. I didn't realize it was a business. I don't know.
00:44:27
Speaker
there's a There was a phone number on the side. You could call her, which presumably would have been a sin and against the ordning if she was part of the group. So clearly... You can call because they did have a phone booth that was for emergencies, which that one mouthy broad called and ruined it for everybody.
00:44:48
Speaker
Put a bad name on the whole parish.
00:44:52
Speaker
don't think it's even know if it's a parish. It's just like a I don't know what to call unity. Well, yeah, they specify to the detective in the beginning. This is not a cult. This is this is church. and This is not a cult.
00:45:06
Speaker
We just wear the same clothes, live by the same rules, um have have weird things. This is not a cult. nice Do you remember there was a part of the movie that was so 2023 where you see the Amish ladies buying groceries and they one of them literally looks at the other and goes, eggs are so expensive right now.
00:45:30
Speaker
What a time capsule moment. I loved it. I guess eggs were probably expensive in 2009 too. That's, you know. Oh, wait.
00:45:41
Speaker
Well, I thought it that part was not. Oh, you're right. They did kill her in 2009. Yeah. The movie came out in 2003. do like that it's 2009 because they're talking about like the stock market crash of like 2008.
00:45:56
Speaker
And they're like, how's things, you know, with the economy? And he's like, I sell eggs. guns and fishing rod so we're okay the subprime mortgage crisis has not hit me that hard and speaking of his his bait and tackle shop where his gun is used to blow his wife away i feel so bad like normally i'm not used to the thing actually happening when we talk about these movies so i'm used to speaking like i don't feel good because this is a nice murdered woman
00:46:31
Speaker
And also it feels weird doing, it's usually meat Kit and I, and not just two white men talking about what makes them horny. ah So this is an interesting interesting dynamic that you've never had on the internet before, listeners.
00:46:46
Speaker
um But no, there's a moment where I don't remember who exactly catches them, but he is banging Barb from behind behind the counter of the fishing. think it's the wife. The wife. find wife So Barbara finds him with Barb.
00:47:02
Speaker
that's why does That's another thing where because they're showing it from behind, i do assume that it was a God's loophole situation.
Community Gossip and Its Impact
00:47:11
Speaker
And he's like, listen, it has to be in your butt.
00:47:15
Speaker
God sees it. Otherwise, this word doesn't count as as much. I'm sorry, Barb, but this is just the way. And she's so end up. She's like whatever, man. But apparently that did actually happen, specifically all of that.
00:47:30
Speaker
But it was another Amish man who walked in and saw it and was like, don't worry, Eli, I won't tell anyone. And he told them every everyone. Because nothing is going on there and all they have to do is gossip.
00:47:45
Speaker
That's the thing they tell you, um the Amish love to gossip. They got nothing else to do They got a lot of time. They got a lot of time to guilt. They got a phone booth they can't even use, folks. Like, there's nothing going on over there.
00:48:00
Speaker
That's how she got so good at making pies. She's just like, she's making pies seven hours a day. We've gotten so far into this without me telling, because I did grow up around Amish people.
00:48:11
Speaker
like put it this with my The Walmart ah that was near my house had hitching post for the horse and buggy. like they were They were around.
00:48:22
Speaker
And i was out of town. I believe I was either in college or had already moved away at this point. But the Amish accidentally almost killed a handful of people. um Probably wiped that under the rug, too.
00:48:35
Speaker
But ah something that they could probably do legally again, thanks to RFK. ah They were passing out samples of unpasteurized apple cider at the fall festival and gave salmonella to a handful of people, including ah former classmate of mine. I mean, she's still um went to school. She's not dead.
00:48:56
Speaker
But she was very, very like it was touch and go there for a minute. So A handful of people ended up in the hospital from this unpasteurized apple cider.
00:49:08
Speaker
On purpose? I don't know. was Were they trying to take out the sinners in the town? Who's to say? Great question. Great question. Which is interesting, because like one of my favorite... It's interesting that it that is the issue, because like the whole allure, I feel like, in Pennsylvania is like, well, go eat with the Amish. That shit's delicious.
00:49:29
Speaker
You know?
00:49:32
Speaker
dear's a whole buffet
00:49:37
Speaker
do you think that it's possible because Eli is still in prison? He was up for parole last year, did not get it. So his next parole hearing is in 2036. He seems like a guy who definitely has a Samsung razor in his, his cell still.
00:49:54
Speaker
And probably he's, he seems like the kind of guy who Googles himself. Well, they said, um There's in one of the articles about him. At one point, he managed to have an ad printed in an Amish newsletter saying he was hoping to meet women as pen pals.
00:50:10
Speaker
From prison. Folks, anybody that messages him is going to think that it's the man from the movie who is hot. Not like this Rob Zombie ass.
00:50:22
Speaker
like well It is kind of scary that he could hear this in his cell. This seemed insane to me, Chris. He's not on Wikipedia.
00:50:33
Speaker
Yeah, I saw that. I'm like, that's surprising. I feel like this is Wikipedia. where There's a lot of things on Wikipedia for much less, I think. Way less. Like we've watched some of the shittiest movies you could ever imagine on this podcast.
00:50:46
Speaker
Movies that nobody's ever seen or heard of. This being on Lifetime puts this so far ahead of a handful of these. Those movies had Wikipedia pages. This one doesn't.
00:50:57
Speaker
Or the Amish? Is there like, what's going on there? I feel like we can hit some really good conspiracy theories with why this specific was so hard to find. on the interweb because like you do see like the A&E story and there were a couple other like true crime things
Murder Plot Breakdown and True Crime Elements
00:51:15
Speaker
but it doesn't seem like it really made the news that an Amish guy because you see that feels a little sensational where it's an interesting story you think the Amish are giving dispensations where you can go on the internet for an hour if you delete an article like every everyone you get an hour on the internet if you every time you delete the Wikipedia article that someone tries to write about this
00:51:39
Speaker
I'm going to get a threatening email that's like, hey, sir, how would you ah like to go to hell? Oh, shit. What do you need to do? Well, I think you should start by deleting that podcast about our our brother getting sucked off so much.
00:51:56
Speaker
And if you do, we will send you a case of whoopie pies.
00:52:01
Speaker
It's going to be worth Well, do like theirs. But they're delicious. Here, why wouldn't you wash it down with some unpasteurized apple cider? They already tried to get me, Chris. Now I'm like, there's like some Illuminati shit going on. like they ah They know something.
00:52:17
Speaker
Now I'm like tying strings to pictures in my podcast. He does try to poison her. and One of their plots is is poison. And she's just like...
00:52:28
Speaker
this doesn't taste very good. And he's like, Oh, must've been something weird. And then the the flavoring there, him watching Barb Google things. And it's like, he's looking at her fingers. Like, yeah, this is how you use computer.
00:52:42
Speaker
Okay. Yes. The internet says you can poison somebody. If you poison somebody, they might die. This is good. We could use this. The Google searches. They're like, you ah Barb, you did 377 Google searches about how to murder someone. You're like, that's not great. I did one Google search today, which was, is oral oral sex against the ordinance? And the answer is yes.
00:53:08
Speaker
Google AI told me it is. Then I'm, if anything good came out of this, Barbara's in heaven. She didn't submit, though.
00:53:19
Speaker
She didn't submit. God's confusing. God is confusing. This episode's so naughty. This one's the one making me go to hell. The last one got me banned from YouTube.
00:53:31
Speaker
this one This one just sends me the rest of the way to the netherworld. We're just exploring, you know? Yeah.
00:53:40
Speaker
And the thing is, like, none of this is ah is allegedly. He's in prison. He did it. And he was a terrible criminal. He couldn't even, like, he couldn't hide that he was getting ahead from hundreds of women.
00:53:53
Speaker
I say hundreds. It maybe was. It was a lot, probably. But, I mean, they literally, on the stand, and I assume this is true, again, if they're doing all these things, they say, why didn't you just get a divorce? And he says, this seemed easier. LAUGHTER
00:54:11
Speaker
Sorry, i I found more dialogue in my notes about the pill thing. Hanging with Barb, plotting murder. How about pills?
00:54:22
Speaker
Would that work? Barb types on keys and looks at computer for a second. Turns to him. Yes, it would.
00:54:31
Speaker
ha
00:54:36
Speaker
ha ha Oh my God. It's a real, the one thing we, you know, we haven't, we haven't addressed is that. So Barb, obviously, you know, we would get, you know, Barb's the murderer, but like Barb somehow knows he has this other friend, right.
Eli's Downfall and Investigation
00:54:54
Speaker
Who he's like trying to sleep with. And he's, and she's like, you know, we got this thing, Eli, but like you can bring happy meals over. What did they call them? Happy boxes or something. Happy boxes.
00:55:06
Speaker
McDonald's didn't want no part of this shit. Yeah. but she's like She's like, well, you know, Eli, if you were divorced or something, we could be together. but um and he's like, well, what if we kill my wife?
00:55:19
Speaker
And she's like, that's weirdly specific that you went there that quickly.
00:55:25
Speaker
Chris, you're so right. I forgot about this. It is a montage at this point of him saying that to multiple women. Sometimes he's like, what if we kill my wife? He's just asking anybody who will listen or suck him off to please murder somebody for him.
00:55:42
Speaker
That is such a big ask of a one night stand. He's really going for it. Yeah. He's his standards are very low, but then he's like, will you kill for me?
00:55:54
Speaker
Well, Barb will do anything. no
00:55:58
Speaker
He's been stringing her along for so long that it's like, well, we'll be together forever if you do this. You'll be my number one. In prison. and For hell.
00:56:11
Speaker
but i like I like that the other lady, he's like she's like, we were just friends. We laid in bed, drinking milkshakes, having tickle fights, and we just we were just friends. And you're like, what were you thinking there? And two, it does feel very out of character for him because everyone else, he's just boning immediately.
00:56:30
Speaker
like He's really committed to this one lady, which feels... I'm just curious. What was special about her? you know Tanya, I believe, was this this this gal. It's insane. Like, so not only is he buying her happy boxes, he's bringing the milkshakes, but he doesn't have money to feed his own children because he's feeding this other woman's four children.
00:56:54
Speaker
And I love it. That really is like, I just rewatched when Harry met Sally and he's like, men and women could never be friends. And this woman's just like, no, me and this Amish guy would drink milkshakes in bed and have tickle fights. We're just pals.
00:57:08
Speaker
He wasn't wearing a shirt. And yeah, his cock seemed really hard.
00:57:18
Speaker
He's a sex addict that would just casually hang out with and we would just talk.
00:57:25
Speaker
And then this other lady would pick him up in her taxi.
00:57:32
Speaker
Oh my god. oh my god. the other thing I just want to just discuss is that when he goes to bed, he just stays in the full outfit.
00:57:45
Speaker
Like, he does not have pajamas. He's just like, yep. I get in bed with my dress shoes on and my suspenders. This is how I sleep.
00:57:57
Speaker
Who needs a blanket when you've got denim?
00:58:01
Speaker
perfect It hugs me in all the places I wish people's mouths were.
00:58:17
Speaker
oh my god but yeah so i don't know what else am i leaving out like i mean we're leaving out just tons of scenes of detectives doing terrible detective work that's why i think you and i really could have it didn't take much to solve this case like he's so guilty well and they and they of course they the only way that see this is interesting right because they're they're against they're like hey talk about god here allegedly the only way they get any of the details they need to get anywhere with this is that the sister is like thinking about pie and she gets some, some stuff on her hands.
00:58:56
Speaker
Right. And then she has to look in the cabinet for some paper towels and she finds the book with all of the stuff that Barbara had been writing down. And she's like, ah Hey guys, here's like all the evidence.
00:59:10
Speaker
And they're like, Cool. All right. I guess maybe we have some leads now. And they're like, like yeah, yeah, yeah, you do. you um But she's like, but she's like, God. But before that, right, she's like, God, give me a sign.
00:59:24
Speaker
and then it's the pie that leads her to the. The book and all of the evidence that otherwise the detectives would not have found. When they found the book, though, she put in it like, I think he's going to kill me, but I can't tell the preacher because it's a sin.
00:59:38
Speaker
if I don't know what it's a sin, if it happens, you get killed. You just got to obey. Submit. Submit. Well, if she was to leave him, right, I think that's the idea is that she's supposed to be committed to him. And so, like, she can't leave him under these rules, um which seems like just a general...
00:59:57
Speaker
like an issue here, right? They're just like, these two people should just get a divorce, right? That's a be much healthier, like we wouldn't have watched this movie if the Amish had a healthy attitude towards the end of relationships.
01:00:14
Speaker
they're getting more progressive. If I remember correctly, I know they can drive cars around my hometown now, but they can't have the radio knobs. So basically like you can't have air conditioning. and You can have a car, but none of the luxuries of a car.
01:00:29
Speaker
um I don't know what that means for like leather seats. I'm guessing you're, you're sitting on those strips that mean cities put on steps. So homeless people can't sleep on them.
01:00:40
Speaker
Like you can, you have to sit on a metal spike up your ass. to to to go fast. And I...
01:00:50
Speaker
I remember this, ah this isn't like a great story,
Film's Portrayal of Eli Weaver
01:00:53
Speaker
but this is a story. I remember my dad telling me of a friend of his that picked up ah Amish guy that was hitchhiking. Sorry folks. I've been drinking a little as we were going into this one. I haven't seen Chris in a while and ready to party.
01:01:09
Speaker
But the guy um got in, in my dad's friend's car and the guy was smoking cigs on the drive. And the Amish guy said to him, you know if god wanted you to smoke he would have given you a chimney to which the man driving responded well you know if god wanted you to have a ride he would have put wheels on your ass and then pulled over and kicked him out of the car
01:01:40
Speaker
it's fair that's a fair point that's a That's an exchange that happened in my hometown between an Amish guy and somebody somebody my dad knew.
01:01:51
Speaker
i don't know I don't know. It felt appropriate. I'm telling you just all the Amish stories I have at this point. well i I'm wondering here, like in this story, it's kind of like your dad's friend is is the Barb.
01:02:02
Speaker
like he that's he It's a good thing he kicked him out. Otherwise, who knows where that could have gone. Next thing he does, he's sucking this guy off and giving him rides all the time. like I don't know what happened. I just knew I was scared of hell.
01:02:17
Speaker
And this guy was a real smooth talker. Also, though, I don't smoke anymore. I don't know. I just i I was able to just give it up. And you just always need a ride to McDonald's and to some lady's place. And I just just felt right.
01:02:32
Speaker
They're allowed to have soft serve, but not ones with it as like a twist. It has to be a single flavor like that's too futuristic.
01:02:42
Speaker
Do you think, so we see the courtroom scenes, they're really goofy, where like, the defense, like, honest to God, I thought the defense attorney was going to give him head. Like, everybody he encounters, you can tell he's trying.
01:02:56
Speaker
Every single female that he encounters, he's trying. And I swear to God, the way this ends, where they put him in the prison cell and close the door, it feels like we just watched an entire origin story of a Batman villain.
01:03:10
Speaker
Yeah. And then he charms the lady at the counter and he's like, lady. This movie ends with him getting Twizzlers and head. It's implied.
01:03:23
Speaker
It's implied. from the commissary lady where he's just like hey how about some sour patch kids and some twizzlers and she's like you don't got money and then he just like gives her a look that's all he does is give her a look and then she's oh fuck look at this guy here's some twizzlers and he like walks away with a smirk only lady available Hey, you make me want to be a better man. You make me feel like the person I was meant to be.
01:03:50
Speaker
Beautiful. Credits. Beautiful. It's beautiful. i I tell that to my wife all the time.
01:03:59
Speaker
It's insane to me that you haven't seen The Departed, but you've now seen Amish.
01:04:05
Speaker
Amish stud. I've got a weird relationship to cinema, Garrett. Chris. My daughter, my daughter recently, my seven-year-old recently asked me, what um what was your favorite movie when you were five?
01:04:19
Speaker
Oh, no. And said, Rocky IV. And she said, well, how about when you were six? Rocky IV. said, but seven. Rocky IV.
01:04:31
Speaker
we just We just kept going like this. She got to 20, and she's like, what, 20? And was like, Wet Hot American Summer. It's like, oh, that sounds interesting. How about 21? Rocky IV. And then we just did the bit up until my age.
01:04:45
Speaker
um So, yeah, i don't I've got like weird taste. and Like you've seen all the movies, the good and the bad ones, Garrett. And I just. I don't know, man, I've seen a I've seen some I have not seen some very, very good ones, but I've we've i've now watched this.
01:05:01
Speaker
So just to give you an idea of how many movies I watch, what's what's the date today? as we This is the day before this is released. November 4th. i On my letterbox, this was the 350th movie I've logged this year.
01:05:16
Speaker
Right. And if I was trying to log movies, if I got to 350 this year, which I probably would not, a high percentage of them would have been K-pop Demon Hunters. Hey, I've logged Dogman 12 times. I've got a kid. I get it.
01:05:31
Speaker
ah Hey, I realize ah because Kit's usually in charge of this part of the podcast.
01:05:40
Speaker
The big question. On a scale of one to five. Were you aroused? Two and a half, maybe. That honest to God is ah for this podcast.
01:05:53
Speaker
That's a really high number for this movie. um And that's okay. You can judge it on your own and that maybe you were more aroused than, than some.
Amish Culture in Media
01:06:04
Speaker
I think it's a content. It was a context thing where you're like, again, I said like, it was so unsexy for stretches that when something sort of rousing did happen, you like, Ooh, like, and so I feel like I'm judging it on a curve.
01:06:17
Speaker
Like there's an Amish curve. to this judging room. You're right. It is all context and beards and buggies and bonnets. Beards, buggies, and bonnets. That's yeah that's the curve. it's Because like I'm sure relative to like the movie you watched last week, this is a point two.
01:06:36
Speaker
I mean, the movie we watched last week, I think we gave like negative eight to or something because it is sex with a corpse for the entire movie and and very graphic. um This is low in week before.
01:06:50
Speaker
yeah yeah yeah. Well, the last the week before that was sex with a car.
01:06:55
Speaker
It was October. We were watching weird ones.
01:06:59
Speaker
Yeah.
01:07:02
Speaker
um the month before that was probably a regular person and we watched somebody arouse somebody with a saxophone on one of them. You know, we have fun on this show, Chris.
01:07:12
Speaker
We dig into ah what we call Papa G's treasure chest of dog shit and we find we find things that nobody's seen. People have seen the car one, though. That movie won the Palme d'Or. ah Great movie.
01:07:26
Speaker
But no, I think this movie is, it is low. Like, I think for this podcast, it is definitely low in the eroticism. But you're right. I haven't read a lot of Amish romance novels.
Critique of Lifetime's Production
01:07:39
Speaker
And as far as what she was reading, where she kissed somebody and it was such, so passionate that she saw God. This guy is the fucking devil, but he's not the devil. he's just a fucking loser with a neck beard who has to cosplay as Amish because he only has $2.
01:07:57
Speaker
Like this guy, a hundred percent would leave the Amish community if he had the means to do so, but his gun store only does. Okay. Things had been going a little bit better.
01:08:11
Speaker
Or if he, if if frankly, if Barb had been able to Google for him, like, how to apply for like snap benefits, he'd be like, well, I think I'm okay now. Actually. I think I'm fine.
01:08:24
Speaker
That really would have gone a long way for him. Even just being like a bagger at a grocery store. Like he would have made enough that he could do, but I'm not saying he could pay for an apartment on his own. He'd either need roommates or do a woman long enough to live with her for a while and pay some of the utilities. Yeah.
01:08:42
Speaker
But think about how many cracks he'd get at if he was a bagger at a grocery store. Just literally every woman who's like checking out, he's like, how's it going? Yeah. HR would have a field day with this guy.
01:08:53
Speaker
They hire him like, oh, he's ex Amish. Like he has to be really nice. Hey, we found out that 90% of our staff have sucked you off. Some of which happened on the premises.
01:09:05
Speaker
That is a huge no, no. I would have assumed that this wouldn't be a conversation I was having, but it seems like I have to say this. The customers,
01:09:18
Speaker
can suck you off but not while you're on the clock here well where do i have to go but du and i listen i'm not telling him anywhere to go
01:09:35
Speaker
are you living out of that buggy that's been in the parking lot for a month
01:09:41
Speaker
So much more spacious than a car. It's like, it's like, his thing is basically what you would take to get to count Dracula's house. yeah Very space royalty road in those.
01:09:58
Speaker
ah So sorry. Yeah. One, one for me. um Okay. But that's just because it's generous I, think i've I've been here a long time. ah Chris, were you thrilled?
01:10:10
Speaker
Thrills mean a lot of things on this show. Like you can. That's also kind
Eli's Real-Life Consequences
01:10:16
Speaker
of a two. It just feels very like pretty early on. You're like, you're, you're only just trying to figure out like how he ends up murdering her.
01:10:25
Speaker
Yeah. And at the beginning, it kind of seemed like maybe she slid her own wrists because you only see the blood trickling down her wrist. So I don't remember how far there. Like, no, he's shotgunned her.
01:10:37
Speaker
um which once again, i hate that this actually happened. I'm so used to these being fictional.
01:10:44
Speaker
Yeah, I think the thrills in this is hard where, I mean, we obviously know this woman dies. She's dead in the first scene.
01:10:53
Speaker
But there are things in it that got me to holler. And I think ah me hollering, because this is the first time we've done a Lifetime movie, and these are notoriously campy, cheesy,
01:11:07
Speaker
but Maybe shitty on purpose sometimes hard to say with lifetime to be completely honest. But the thing is, some of this was so real, like it's real, like him saying, like, I don't know, blow them up or something that made me laugh so hard.
01:11:24
Speaker
And i even though I knew she doesn't get exploded, I thought there might be a scene where they're like having Google the anarchist cookbook and figure out how to make a bomb.
01:11:36
Speaker
And there's like, no Barb and Eli can't figure this out. This is too hard. Oh, um, two. and I'll go with two with you on that. I think, I think two fair.
01:11:52
Speaker
Uh, let's say, let's say you're a,
01:11:58
Speaker
a homely lady, ah home, a homely lass, uh, in, in rural Pennsylvania. Are you going ruin your life for Eli, Chris? That to me is the one, like, is the real question. I think with this one, because someone does like someone literally ruined their life for this guy.
01:12:19
Speaker
Right? So theoretically he should be a five, but by all objective sort of like things that we see in this movie, this man is like a one, right? He's barely charming.
01:12:34
Speaker
And when you see the real guy, like he must've been such a smooth talker because he looks Amish as fuck in real life.
Eli's Immoral Worldview
01:12:43
Speaker
Like I just rode the train to Kit's wedding with so many Amish people on the train to Chicago. Uh, apparently a lot of Amish people have to take the train to Chicago because it's a big hub that gets you to like Ohio and Indiana and Iowa, lot of Amish people.
01:13:01
Speaker
And at no point I didn't know we were going to watch this movie. This was a surprise as of a day or so ago for me, every, I spoke to some of them. I was friendly with them at no point. Did any, even a little bit cross my mind.
01:13:16
Speaker
i might suck this guy's dick. Like, No matter what he said, i don't think there's anything. and but No lady seductively offered you a pie? Fuck.
01:13:27
Speaker
Now, see, is ah i do have a bit of a food problem. I've been doing better. I've lost ah i've lost some LBs this year, down about 30. That being said, I love a fresh-baked pie.
01:13:40
Speaker
So it's hard for me to say no to that. And I think with a lot of these, would you ruin your life, does come down to... Well, with the charm of this person, I don't really have a choice.
01:13:50
Speaker
If they set their sights on me, they're going to figure me out and figure out what I need to suck them off and give them rides in my RAV4.
01:14:05
Speaker
But it seemed it did seem, though, like his strategy was just probably like, he was just going out for as whoever was, was up for it. So you got to think that his hit rate was not high, which would suggest that like this one woman, but he was like, he offered like 600, the opportunity to ruin their life for him. And only one was like, yeah, it seems reasonable.
01:14:31
Speaker
So like, I think, I still think you got to go low here. i wouldn't ruin my life for Eli. Yeah. That makes me think of the David Cross joke on a his album. I think it was shut up. You fucking baby where he's talking about how he saw a garbage man on the back of a truck cat calling a lady and just saying such sexually aggressive things. And she told him to fuck off and he kept going.
01:14:54
Speaker
He's like, listen, man, maybe I do that to 99 women and nobody responds. Well, maybe that hundredth woman likes to fuck on a pile of trash. Yeah.
01:15:10
Speaker
that You're right. like Eli is throwing it out to anyone and everyone. And Barb was the right lady. And what do you think her poor husband's up to?
01:15:21
Speaker
Because we didn't get an update. She's in prison for like 26 to life. And he's just somewhere being fucking dumb. What if he isn't dumb and he tunes into the movie that he is part of and he's just like, what the fuck?
01:15:37
Speaker
How am I going get this? me How long do you think it took him to clean out her stuff? because Because it's implied that Barb is a hoarder. ah Okay, yeah, um yeah. She likes to keep stuff, you know.
01:15:51
Speaker
and then he just, like, do you think, like, he quickly was like, well, this does give me some more space.
01:16:01
Speaker
More space for what? His pacing around the house trying to figure out what to do? Oh my god. Yeah, I'm not really. He was just willing to sit there and watch Wheel of Fortune with him.
Wrestling and Erotic Thriller Genre
01:16:18
Speaker
ah They were a good match. And they know what the thing is? Like, sometimes you just got to have an open marriage. I don't think he would have loved that, but I think he would have understood that he isn't. He would have not have understood. Never mind.
01:16:30
Speaker
no No. He would have been better for Barbara, but again, she did want big, exciting love, and it did not feel like he was capable of providing that for anyone.
01:16:42
Speaker
What if your wife suddenly started hanging out with a handsome Amish man? Would the fact that he's Amish ease your mind? Pre-seeing this movie, now you're little iffy on Amish. Right you know if he right now might
01:16:59
Speaker
Now might my my concerns are up. I think it would have. um Although, again, if he's bringing over milkshakes on a regular basis.
01:17:10
Speaker
like Because to the point of the flip, if if if my wife was like, hey, you've got this new female friend. And I'm like, yeah, she's she's pretty cool. She's very nice. She just comes over and brings a cherry pie.
01:17:23
Speaker
once a week and we just sit there and we just eat cherry pie and talk about the joys of pie I think my wife would be like fuck that lady get her out of the house I don't want to see any pie around yeah I don't know fuck Eli he's a piece of shit If he listened to this whole thing, the whole podcast, and gets to an hour 25 where I finally call him a piece of shit, and he's just like, well, I thought you made me sound cool that whole time. I was just like driving around town getting my dick sucked.
01:17:56
Speaker
He's like, I'm going to call my lawyer. i thought this was a pro-Eli podcast. He called me the hero at the beginning. Yeah, I didn't yeah blow up my kids.
01:18:07
Speaker
And I bought a bunch of orphans Happy Meals. What? It was joke. I was just making jokes.
01:18:15
Speaker
We're just riffing. We're just riffing, you know? You guys you got you guys don't really feel this way about about ah Jimmy Lloyd, the professional wrestler. And I didn't really want to blow up my kids. It's all the same.
01:18:28
Speaker
All the same. If we're in a podcast together, Jimmy Lloyd has to be mentioned. I'm actually surprised we didn't talk about pro wrestling more. And I know we need to wrap this up because 90 minutes is usually where we, we hit stop on these.
01:18:43
Speaker
Can you think of erotic thriller moments in professional wrestling?
01:18:49
Speaker
The edge sex celebration comes to mind. I mean, ah any sexy moments from the attitude era, really, because there were usually violence that led to sexiness. Yeah.
01:18:59
Speaker
I mean, there's that there's that promo where Sensational Sherry basically offers Ultimate Warrior Head to give the Macho Man a title shot. Oh. And that's like 1991. And I think when I was watching that first, I did not really understand the context.
01:19:14
Speaker
That may have been the first erotic thriller I saw. Wait, but did she? No, he's warriors like no, because he's on steroids and i don't think he can get it up.
01:19:27
Speaker
He can't get it up anyway. There was a Viagra on a pole match. That was unsexy. What was the end game with that? That it was like Billy Kidman, right? Was it? Yeah, but ah ah Shane Douglas had stolen Billy Kidman's lady was Tori.
01:19:43
Speaker
Yeah, but Shane Shane needed the Viagra because he couldn't get it up. And if Kidman got the Viagra off the pole, then it stopped Shane Douglas from sleeping with his lady. Something like that. wouldn't able to.
01:19:58
Speaker
yeah Guys, like wrestling is an incredible art form. It doesn't always have to make sense. Go back and listen to 200 episodes of Predetermined or however many exist.
01:20:10
Speaker
I genuinely don't remember how many we did together. i think there's like 200. Yeah. yeah i mean, well, not even yet. And some of them are with your, with different partners, but you know, yeah, we, ah we, were all we did a little swing and we were all willing to ruin our life for you, Garrett.
Promoting 'Sullivan Street' Podcast and Counting Crows
01:20:27
Speaker
Well, Hey Chris, ah do you have anything to plug? before we get out of here? ah You know, currently I'm hosting the co-host of a podcast called Sullivan Street, which is a podcast about the band Counting Crows, um which is, i mean, not a particularly erotic band.
01:20:44
Speaker
um Although there's a couple of songs with a couple lines that, you know... Hey, um we've talked about them. They've been on the soundtrack of one of the movies we covered. They were on the Cruel Intention soundtrack, right? Oh, of course. Yes, the Colorblind.
01:20:57
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. That's the song that was playing when they kissed, the two ladies kiss. So that's ah that's a big erotic thriller moment. It actually kind of sucks that we didn't bring in for that one. Yeah, I could have given you a song breakdown and talked about the live versions of the song, and that would have been very important, I think, to the context. So that is what that is one I saw...
01:21:17
Speaker
In a theater. And my friends saw that in a theater and looked behind them and saw the um the priest who was the president of our high school watching Cruel Intentions behind them. So that was a moment in all of our lives. priest who was the president.
01:21:39
Speaker
Are you very religious? And I don't know this until right now. No, i just went to a Catholic high school. Yeah, but then you went to the Quaker College and Dave Matthews is talking about God's dick.
01:21:50
Speaker
That was not a religious place at all. i'm I don't know. I'm a little worried that I've offended you on this one and that you chose this because of the relationship to God the movie had.
01:22:02
Speaker
That's fair. I'm going to have to talk to my mother about the next... you know I spent a lot of time with the Amish and I'm just... You're like, I just like ham loaves. If there's one thing I learned while eating ham loaf, it's how important it is to follow the ordinance.
01:22:17
Speaker
Hey, everybody. Listen to Chris's podcast.
Podcast Closing and Listener Engagement
01:22:20
Speaker
Go back and listen to the old predetermines. If you want to hear Chris and i talk about pro wrestling for 90 minutes every week, or i think we usually did an hour 15. It was shorter than this podcast.
01:22:32
Speaker
And with our dear friend Fax, who I wish could have been here as well. But Chris, always great doing this with you. Thanks for coming in on such short notice and watching such a dumb movie. Apologies to your lovely wife that she had to see this as well.
01:22:48
Speaker
I'll pass that along to her. My wife refuses to watch any of these. She did watch the Corpse Sex movie, though, and tapped out about 45 minutes in. Hey, everybody. Thanks for listening.
01:22:59
Speaker
As always, at Erotic Thriller Club on Instagram, eroticthrillerclub at gmail.com. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, if you are Eli Weaver, please ignore that last bit and do not have Barb send me any emails.
01:23:15
Speaker
um Hey, thank you for listening. Rate, review, subscribe. We love you.
01:23:22
Speaker
Wet your snails. We want to shake you naked eat you alive. that the thing we say, Chris?