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Angel Eyes (1993)
72 Plays2 days ago
This week we're digging back into Papa G's Treasure Chest. This one has loan sharks, naked ladies and creepy dolls galore!
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Transcript
Introduction to the Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, pay up your loan shark, and gather around the radio. It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.
Plot Overview of the Erotic Thriller
00:00:25
Speaker
Mysterious and dangerous and oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the ages So if you're fatally attracted to the racier stuff, erotic film club Basically instinctively crazy, salacious
00:01:08
Speaker
Steven is an unlovable pud with a mean girlfriend with a loan shark. One day, the deranged daughter of a woman he slept with once upon a time shows up at his door and calls him daddy.
00:01:20
Speaker
Can Steven juggle the mess he's gotten himself in?
Character and Casting Critique
00:01:23
Speaker
It's time to yet again take a peek at the absolute bottom of the barrel and dive into Papa G's treasure chest of dog shit.
00:01:33
Speaker
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club. Angel Eyes. You got me on that one, Garrett. Welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender, Garrett Ryan here. And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions.
00:01:51
Speaker
Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would I ruin my life for this person? Oh, Garrett, what a perfect description of the our our hero here there is This movie is an hour and 10 minutes long. And it's too long. No one is likable. No. it's This movie is actually a good argument for why AI should take over the film industry.
00:02:22
Speaker
Honestly, when your most lovable character is the loan shark, um you're in trouble. you're You've been doing something wrong. And honestly, if you had asked me, hey, um do you think that this movie was just made, filmed, directed, and starred in by the same person who was just trying to get a bunch of porn stars to fake have sex with him in a movie, I would have absolutely believed you. I would have said, yes, that seems like what this is. There's no other reason why you would cast this pud of a man as your leading man who has multiple women lusting over him.
00:03:00
Speaker
There's no reason to put him there. So I assumed, wrongly, um that It was this did this one man, this was a one man operation. ah to i mean, writer, director, cinematographer. Like this is a way to, which also I did look at the Gary Graver, the writer, director, cinematographer of this. His, I mean, he has. Oudre?
00:03:24
Speaker
Let me see how many he has listed for directing credits. I mean, it's in, it's over a hundred. Did the star of this movie, um did, did he owe that guy some sort
Director Gary Graver's Influence
00:03:38
Speaker
of favor? Was that his loan shark that he put in his movie? Yeah.
00:03:42
Speaker
That guy was in Barbarella, which rules. Yeah, it does. Okay, this guy was DP for 237 movies, includ including a a hell of a lot of pornography. Yeah, that is unsurprising. I would estimate that 100% the women in this movie are porn stars you are correct yeah
00:04:15
Speaker
Yes, where is my prize? This movie is some pretty beautiful women. yeah And I would say a menagerie of the least cool dudes ever assembled on film.
00:04:29
Speaker
Every man. Even like, you know what? He's not the lead, but Eric Estrada from Chips is in this. and I mean, Eric Estrada's handsome. Yeah. But sure not not a cool character in the bunch. Everybody's stupid, lame, sucks.
00:04:44
Speaker
Half the time, like the henchmen guys seem like they're high schoolers dressed up as henchmen making a movie. Like this looks like me and my friends shooting a movie, but with so much more tits. just, just it's, if there isn't a, ten I was going to say you and your friends never had access. You're you and your friends never had access just to that many fake tits. Your life would have been so different if you had youve been the king of summer.
Film's Stylistic Choices and Themes
00:05:10
Speaker
If I had access to that, Oh,
00:05:16
Speaker
And this movie, just the pace at which it runs. kit Within the less than 60 seconds into this film, we see a murder with a knife. And then less than three minutes into the film, we see a pretty graphic sex scene.
00:05:34
Speaker
Yes. um Yeah, so it opens with ah a lady in white who could have existed anywhere from 1800 to 2024 trad wife, like any anywhere in that spectrum, um hanging up her all-white laundry in a very sort of Halloween...
00:05:55
Speaker
inspired sequence of like right of the the the night the shadow of the knife and then angel stabity stabity stabity blood blood blood tears running down the eyes of a child child is a strong word for what we have here but yeah um and then wailing guitar roll credits that's the start of your movie Yeah, the credits take too long, but then once they're over, just having sex. And it is, i mean, my introduction to any characters in this movie is somebody getting killed and then just a guy sucking tits.
00:06:38
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love an introduction that starts tits first and then you see someone's face. Tits first. 100% way to go. Although, she and it looks like it's not just tits on display here. I'm pretty sure we're getting full frontal down here, right? Although she is riding really high up on his chest. I think she may in fact be um fucking his his belly button.
00:07:06
Speaker
I don't kink shame. i don't kink shame. So true. I think you're right, but i don't know why. they i don't You can't ask why with this movie. All you have to do is appreciate the pacing as much as you can.
00:07:24
Speaker
because this is going to be the quickest podcast we've ever done.
00:07:29
Speaker
yeah Yeah, we've got this this hot brunette with big old fake titties riding on our... Boring, white bread, middle-aged man.
00:07:41
Speaker
can we describe his outfits throughout the film? um Questionable would be the first. um it's American flag t-shirt tucked into jeans at one point. Yes, yes. in the next scene, it looks like some sort of, I don't know, military box turned into a shirt.
00:08:03
Speaker
Yes, it had like writing on it like it was ah a box of military supplies, but that's the pattern that's all over what I think is like a silk button-up shirt.
00:08:16
Speaker
I didn't like How many worms had to die to make that awful shirt? You know silkworms don't have to die to produce silk, Garret. No, they killed themselves.
00:08:28
Speaker
They saw what was being done. with my life's work? With my life's work? No, no. i will not be a part of this. I i must commit so ritualistic suicide in protest.
00:08:43
Speaker
A whole barn of silkworms lit themselves on fire rather than put their names on this shirt. See, I want to see a Pixar movie about the worms that had to make this shirt.
00:08:55
Speaker
You're like, no, Gary, you just got to do it. No, I think there's more out there. We
Character Dynamics and Tensions
00:09:00
Speaker
just have to get beyond the silk barn. verb Yeah, and ah this is our hero, ladies and gents, and he does a classic capital B business job, only in this case, it's a real estate. And what do you do when you work in real estate, Garrett?
00:09:21
Speaker
Yeah. I guess get money tied up with a loan shark because you didn't have enough to buy the real estate in the first place. you but Yeah, but then you you sold the real estate to people, but it's not selling quickly enough. So like people call you in the middle of the day and are just like, we got problems with the bank. It's like, what kind of problems with the bank? I'll tell you this. Steven and his girlfriend keep odd hours.
00:09:49
Speaker
Yes, they absolutely do. And maybe that's just that um that lifestyle that we don't know about because we're not cool real estate barons. And, you know, if we were doing all this Palm Springs condos selling, we would also be able to wake up at like 11 a.m. every day.
00:10:10
Speaker
see I think 11 is even generous. It's she wakes up at 3 p.m., tits out, grabs a bottle of vodka. Living her best life. That's Michelle, our our brunette girlfriend, um who ah clearly does nothing. She is a kept woman, um I would say is is the the term they would have used back then.
00:10:33
Speaker
And Steven, you know, good on him. He is playing out of his his league here. Oh, 100%. She's so much more attractive. He's basically dating a porn star he is what's happening. Yes, and it makes all the more sense when he's worried that the money is not going to be coming through because this woman is not with you for your looks or your sparkling personality or your great... Or those beautiful silks.
00:11:02
Speaker
Yeah, those beautiful silk shirts you wear or your great sense of humor you don't have. No, she is with you for the money. So not only is a loan shark going to break his fingers, his hot, porny girlfriend is absolutely going to leave him. But as for now, they're still fucking.
00:11:21
Speaker
And um ding dong, ding dong, someone's at the door. Who is it, Garrett?
00:11:28
Speaker
It's Angel. Let's be clear. It is Angel. Angel is probably 22, carrying a dolly. Pretty redhead.
00:11:39
Speaker
Redhead? even I feel like I saw so many breasts, it's hard to remember the hair. The hair? I know, right? Like, what color were her eyes? those ah The titular angel eyes should have been called angel breasts.
00:11:54
Speaker
Titular. Titular. The titular angel eyes were, in fact, angel boobs. um The dialogue in this movie is something. That's why I'm saying like AI couldn't have done worse.
00:12:08
Speaker
i've I've been so anti-AI for so long, but you know if it's going to make this go away, then how much water do got to kill? It's not going to make it go away. It's going to make more of it because you know what that AI has been trained on? The script evangelize.
00:12:25
Speaker
You know what though? You show them this script and you say, but show me what it would be like if it starred Robert Downey Jr. It's just going to be a little better.
00:12:36
Speaker
I suppose. So yes, this grown woman. Shoot for this moon, Daniel Day-Lewis. Ooh. I would actually watch that. um But yeah, this grown ass woman with a baby doll and talking in a squeaky little girl voice says, Daddy, it's me, Angel. and he's like, the fuck?
00:12:54
Speaker
Who, like he has no idea who this person is. And girlfriend comes to the door mad that her, you know, marathon sex session has been interrupted. And she's like, who's this bitch?
00:13:10
Speaker
And the best she's got is like, don't you remember
Angel's Mysterious Traits and Background
00:13:13
Speaker
when I was a little girl and you you you were my stepdad? You were my stepdad. And he's like, I was not.
00:13:22
Speaker
was not your stepdad. And that's not even until scenes later that they clarify that. Yeah, that he was never married.
00:13:32
Speaker
And like knew her daughter. And he's like, wow, you're so grown up now. And why are you here? You know, where where's your mom? A man stabbed her.
00:13:43
Speaker
oh no, I'm so sorry. Why did that happen? She had it coming to her. And that's not enough for you to just close the door on the creepy girl.
00:13:54
Speaker
no No, I'm going to let her into my house and send her up to the guest bedroom where she's going to unpack her suitcase, which is full of nothing but creepy dolls. Like a little kid running away from home, she has filled her suitcase with nothing but her dollies. Again, she is 22.
00:14:14
Speaker
Did you watch The Office? and I did not. There is an episode where Michael Scott makes Oscar a going away present and it's just the worst doll you've ever seen. And then when it cuts away, Michael's laughing because it's like, did you see his face? He accepted it so earnestly and it's so terrible. And ah that's the every doll in this. This is the it's an insane clown. It makes me think that there was another 20 minutes of this movie that tried to introduce a voodoo element. And then they just 86 did and we're like, this movie is better. It's 70 minutes.
00:14:50
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's cut that short. Obviously, yeah, there's ah the the creepy clown. There's multiple baby dolls in various states of dirty and disrepaired. One is... Let it stick all over their face. Yeah, and then there's like a racist one that made me uncomfortable. ah Because every time it did the pull string, it was a really racist Asian accent.
00:15:15
Speaker
No, there was one that I was like, is that a mammy doll? I don't know. i don't feel right about this. Speaking of racism in this movie, later when this man's talking to his boss and is like, hey, I set up a meeting for you. Let's just say this guy likes to eat a lot of sushi.
00:15:35
Speaker
And I was like, it like to taste and is it me? Was that a racist thing? or was it just i didn't I didn't get that. I didn't get it either. Like, why would you not just say it's an investor from Japan?
00:15:47
Speaker
Like a Japanese investor. Like, why did you make it so, so coy? So, so like, Ooh, it's let me give you a hint about this investor. he likes all on a lot of sushi. If you know what I mean. i don't know. 1993. It's a different time.
00:16:08
Speaker
I couldn't tell it racism or innuendo.
Loan Shark Subplot
00:16:10
Speaker
And either way. Innuendo for what? Oh, is sushi code for he eats a lot of pussy? And it's not actually that he's Japanese at all.
00:16:21
Speaker
Yeah, the it's just code for he's a very generous lover. I didn't think about that option. But I'll tell He's going to be the ugliest, blandest person you've ever seen with a gold chain if that person ever appeared on screen. Yeah, yeah.
00:16:37
Speaker
um So yeah, then we cut to our um loan shark. ah And there's so many tits. Just tits of Palooza. Every time we get to the loan, like a the cutting back and forth between the loan shark scenes and Steven scenes. And at a certain point, we're when is this all going to tie together? It does get there. It does. but It takes a while.
00:17:01
Speaker
What a crazy, dumb 70 minutes of two things of this guy's life. They couldn't choose. They were like, well, we got to have the loan shark thing and the sexy stepdaughter thing.
00:17:15
Speaker
Yes. And so all these people are just hanging out by the pool with their fake boobies and their bad eighty s teased up hair.
00:17:27
Speaker
And we're introduced to our loan shark, which is played by what's his name? The guy from Chips. Eric Estrada. Yeah, Eric Estrada. buddy of mine used to house sit for him.
00:17:40
Speaker
He was a family friend of the Estrada's. and he would ah He would house sit for Eric Estrada. and i I wish I had seen this to to bring it up to him. to ask him and i feel like I believe this character's name.
00:17:53
Speaker
you know Probably not. Is Johnny and an old guy comes in with like a dopey chick from Wisconsin who smiles like a moron and chews gum and has hair teased up to the gods.
00:18:08
Speaker
And old guy's like, look, she just came in from Wisconsin and I'm going to make an actress out of her. Also, I'm sorry I owe you a lot of money. I don't have it. I'm spending it all clearly on getting this chick acting lessons.
00:18:22
Speaker
um And ah instead, Johnny breaks his fingers. Well, Johnny's henchman breaks the old man's fingers. And... this This woman is, like, gonna stay instead with Johnny.
00:18:37
Speaker
um But we'll never know why, because you have to pay her extra if you're gonna have her speak in your movie. So instead, we're just gonna have her stare for an uncomfortably long period of time. Like, they kept the shot way too long of her just, like, smiling and nodding and nothing happening. Yeah.
00:18:58
Speaker
I would love to find out that no women were mistreated on the sets of these films. this film I would love to find that out, but I find that hard to imagine. Where do you think this movie played?
00:19:13
Speaker
this isn't even this There's no way this was even straight to video. to Was this like a cinema?
Steven's Escalating Troubles
00:19:19
Speaker
At 70 minutes, eight you can't play it in a theater, right? like Isn't that the rule? It's got to be 80 minutes to be in theaters.
00:19:26
Speaker
I think 70 is, I've definitely seen, like, i I feel like that is the bare minimum of it being a movie. Yeah. I love that this movie is so short and yet they still found time to reuse the footage of the lady getting stabbed in the beginning because they were like, I'm sure you forgot it. It was 45 minutes ago.
00:19:48
Speaker
they're like if we we can we Can we just fill it with ah some more titties? Is there any any anybody willing to... Raven? oh yeah. the Michelle, her name is Raven. She looks much more like a Raven than a Michelle, if I'm honest. like An angel is a Monique Gabrielle.
00:20:08
Speaker
Fun. um Yeah. exhale So then our um our old man leaves the site of the Lone Shark with all the hot ladies hanging out by the pool. And he is driving, I kid you not, the exact model of car that my husband drove in when he was in high school. That is a Ford Taurus. It is a shitty fucking car. And then just like when my husband drove it in high school, the brakes went out. Clev. Now here we're supposed to think obviously that like this has been done by the bad people, but I'm here to tell you that that just sometimes happened with that car.
00:20:49
Speaker
Yeah. They were poking around at the car, but they're like, I got on. He's like, it was already cut. i don't know. what it was i like i don't know what to I don't know what to tell you. The brakes on this thing are just for shit. My favorite part of that was that he odd all the way down all the
00:21:06
Speaker
No, my favorite part was when on the radio they are describing the accident and they describe it as a late model luxury car. Yes, this Ford Taurus.
00:21:19
Speaker
It wasn't when John was in high school. It was 1992. It wasn't a luxury car at any time. It's a Ford Taurus. It had an AM m radio that worked.
00:21:32
Speaker
most of the time it had breaks though unfortunately that did not ah daddy's getting ready for work angel's still at the house for some reason yeah with a lollipop this grown-ass woman magically produces an infinite number of lollipops Asks his her stepdad how his girlfriend is in bed. says like Wants to make her breakfast in bed. And he's like, oh, you better be careful. Michelle is kind of a bitch if you wake her up before three.
00:22:07
Speaker
She's like the ultimate of those like coffee mugs where it's like, don't talk to me before I've had my coffee. like She is that character to the extreme.
00:22:18
Speaker
ah she does go bring her that coffee. She lights her a cigarette in bed, which I think is wonderful. Yeah. Like the wicked step mom kind of thing. Right. But then this, the next scene is just bizarre because we cut to Michelle in the shower with a cigarette, cigarette yeah not holding it up above the water. It's just in that's getting wet. and then With the shower door open wide open.
00:22:45
Speaker
Oh yeah, and you're right, it is wide open because we see it closed later in the movie. I thought at first that it was just a weirdly designed l a shower that somehow, oh, that's how they do it out there. They don't care if all of their steam gets out and the room gets cold, I guess.
00:23:03
Speaker
um Maybe that's not a thing that they deal with in Hollyweird.
Angel's Manipulative Intrigues
00:23:06
Speaker
But no, it does have a shower door. She just chooses not to use it or more likely the camera would have gotten in the way He is the, Gary Graver is the cinematographer and he knows I have shot too many pornos and saw my own reflection back at me. and I don't want to do it.
00:23:25
Speaker
So instead she is just naked in the shower with her cigarette, living her best life and in hops her boyfriend's stepdaughter also so naked. Awesome.
00:23:41
Speaker
Awesome. here We're all here for it. but put love Put your fake boobies together. we all love it. and but then Soap them until the cows come home. And she does. I feel like that is the only part of her body that Michelle knows how to wash because that was all she was focused on.
00:23:58
Speaker
we've We've brought it up on here before, but that Sarah Silverman joke where she's like, if you take a shower with your boyfriend, I promise you one thing, your breasts will be sparkling. Sparkling. And Michelle's were going to be sparkling. um For as much of a bitch as Michelle is. and she is she is. She never gets that mad at first about getting come
00:24:26
Speaker
on. Just like, don't know. I don't know. She likes the attention. There is a part of her that wants to fuck Angel for some reason. I think there absolutely is. And what do you mean for some reason? It's 1993. She is bisexual and she's not allowed to express those desires by her repressive society.
00:24:48
Speaker
um And that's unfortunate. But, you know, right as this um girl gets in the shower with her, she makes the unfortunate um comment about how, like, well, I can't take showers with Steven anymore. and she's like, anymore? She's like, yeah, when I was little.
00:25:09
Speaker
And this raises no red flags for Michelle whatsoever. Whereas I think anyone else would be like, asking a few follow-up questions at the very least.
00:25:22
Speaker
Yeah, she does throughout this movie try and give Michelle a few hints that Steven's a yucky pedo. And um that seems to be the least of her worries. The most of her worries being don't wake me up until I've had my morning vodka and leave me alone, everyone. I hate you all. You're stupid. And I guess that's it. And also rail me super good every time we see each other for the first time.
00:25:49
Speaker
for Yes. First time in a while. Yes. And i i do feel like we are supposed to think that Michelle is a mean person for wanting to kick Angel out when Angel has nowhere else to go. But like, it's so relatable that she wants this girl to fuck out because she's creepy and unsettling and ah has no reason to be there. She's a grown woman. Go get an apartment.
00:26:18
Speaker
Get a job. the doll thing really does Make it weird. Because there's part of you that wants to, because at first it's like, oh, we'll just let her in for the night. Like, what's the worst that could happen? But then you see the doll with the makeup smeared on its face. And then if I saw the case open up and saw the 15 other dolls come out and i'm like, ah, well, a couple of these seem problematic. That one scares me. That one might be haunted. Maybe we kick this bitch to the curb. You actually were never related to her at any point. yeah you have no legal or ethical responsibility for this person who is an adult.
00:26:55
Speaker
um So yeah, we get some more concerning things. Like they're arguing about whether they should get rid of her or whatever. And ah she's in the kitchen meanwhile um stabbing her own finger and laughing and licking her own blood. so I like Angel. She's a wild card. Yeah.
00:27:18
Speaker
but
00:27:22
Speaker
Also, I want to. ah So then we flip back to the completely unrelated loan shark yeah scenario. Which you think, like, I don't want to be in these scenes, but they always be like, what if we show you a couple tits first to welcome you into the this nice scene? oh I forgive you. you've got naked chicks everywhere. Fine.
Loan Shark's Complexity
00:27:42
Speaker
And we find out that Johnny, um for all that he is a a shrewd businessman, for sure, cutting the break lines of people who owe him money.
00:27:53
Speaker
um He, in fact, has a boss. Yeah. some sort of slimy politician type who's pressuring him like to get some more money and says things like, I abhor violence, but then like also um is threatening this dude with death. So like I don't know what's going on here.
00:28:13
Speaker
any he ah The thing that weirded me out the most, though, is this guy was talking about how he misses the sea. And they are literally right next to the ocean.
00:28:25
Speaker
And I could not put this together. I could not make this make sense in my mind. i mean what What do you mean? That's the sea. Is there a different sea, a specific sea you're talking about? The Mediterranean, perchance. The open sea. He wants to be like on the boat. Oh, on a boat. Oh. like Yeah, I want to not see land. I think I get it. Like he sees the sea, but he's not in the sea. Ah. Didn't have time for the sea.
00:28:55
Speaker
Yeah, so even though people are like coming down on him for for corruption or something, like there's some scandal, um but he needs a lot of money still. So like we're all got to tighten up the noose around here. This movie was clearly written by someone who really understood the nuances of both real estate and loan sharking, I have to say.
00:29:21
Speaker
this is so This was written by somebody who has had his fair share of fingers snapped by a loan shark. Absolutely. He's like, no, no, not a loan shark, a bookie. Totally different.
00:29:34
Speaker
um So then that's the end of that scene. That was all. ah Time to go back to some some fucking... Is this the one where it's like the metal bed frame and she's just taking it from behind and yeah she is moaning really hard, but the sounds aren't coming out of her. Yes, yes and meanwhile, Angel's standing in the doorway watching Stepdad fuck, and there's porny jazz music playing. Rubbing her titties a little bit. This movie loves titties. Oh, I mean... and it the thing is, yeah, like it's made by a guy who knows that that is a fun thing to watch. Yeah, sure. um It's just...
00:30:18
Speaker
it it The women are never inclined to touch the parts of their body that would actually like make them cum. They just want to touch their boobies. Their fingers never travel down south.
00:30:32
Speaker
Well, this is this is one for the boys. you know Sometimes like you get yeah of in the cut for the ladies. Yes. Well, Gary Graver made 195 these for the For the boys Yeah, and this is when our our worlds finally start to collide, and we find out that Stevie Boy owes the loan shark money, and he's not gonna have this big deal come through in time to pay him back. um
00:31:07
Speaker
So, you know.
00:31:11
Speaker
Meanwhile, the stepdaughter's trying to kiss him. This guy's got problems. 99 problems and a bitch is two of them. two of them except i mean michelle is that's a problem he's he likes to have yes that's a problem like this woman is gonna yell at him he just he knows if i don't wake her up before three if i keep a little bottle of vodka right by the bed she'll be so happy but now i've got fucking erica strada up my ass this little girl i say little girl this she might be grown woman yeah really
00:31:47
Speaker
is won't quit calling him daddy and trying to kiss him on the mouth. And does he like it? I feel like he seems to like try and stop this as much as he No, he doesn't. He doesn't try to stop it. He lets it go on way, way longer than you should with your stepdaughter.
00:32:07
Speaker
but i don't think it's him being sexual. I think it's him as a demwit. Oh, he's just too stupid to stop the kissing. Yeah, I think he is too stupid, and I also think there's no way he fucks that good, right?
00:32:23
Speaker
I mean, he's making he's keeping Michelle happy. but Michelle's asking for it all the time. She is asking for it all the time. There's no way he's that good. I mean, i jump to all I'm saying is I saw the way he tucked that American flag shirt into his jeans, and um I don't think that guy fucks.
00:32:41
Speaker
ah ah There is plenty of filmic evidence against your theory because he's fucking all the time. an Angel wants to fuck him. Although that may just be because she needs a place to stay. She may be ah hoping to fuck him merely so that she can have a roof over her head and not have to pay rent.
00:33:03
Speaker
So...
00:33:06
Speaker
I can't wait to get to the end of this movie so you can explain to me the final three frames. Okay. Happy to. Well, in the meantime, I would like to replay for you the worst argument of all time. Oh, yes, please.
00:33:21
Speaker
So Michelle and our hero are arguing because she wants to get rid of Angel. And he... you know, also wants to get rid of Angel, which is why this is the worst argument of all time.
00:33:36
Speaker
ah Michelle says, I'm not going to take care of her. To which he responds, you think I want her here? Well, you're not discouraging her.
Dialogue and Relationship Analysis
00:33:46
Speaker
I'm taking her to the bus station. You're putting it off like you do everything.
00:33:52
Speaker
Give me the keys. They're in my purse. Give me the purse. She does not give him the purse. So he grabs the purse. Give me my purse. It's mine. The dialogue, the action.
00:34:08
Speaker
And then the fact that they're arguing over the fact that they literally both want the exact same thing and she won't give him the keys. She wants him to take her to the bus station, but she won't give him the keys.
00:34:20
Speaker
The keys are in the purse. Go get the purse. No, I won't go get the purse. You go get the purse. Hey, get your hands off my purse. See, it seems like this that made me wish it wasn't an erotic thriller and that I could just watch like a day in the life of these two going to the supermarket.
00:34:41
Speaker
Get the broccoli. Put it in the shopping cart. I said different broccoli. This isn't broccoli. This is cauliflower. The recipe also calls for cauliflower.
00:34:54
Speaker
i swear I'm not going to fuck this cauliflower. Give me the broccoli. It's mine. This movie fucking sucks. How is it this hard to write an argument?
00:35:11
Speaker
Every bit of dialogue. Every bit of dialogue. like like I see where I wrote down different bits of dialogue. You got something you want to share?
00:35:23
Speaker
She's gone. Really? How'd you figure that out? Where, wait, where, oh man. I don't know. I lost it. play that I wrote dialogue down all the time, but I was just like, what am I even doing this for?
00:35:36
Speaker
Because I'm just, I'm just writing the movie. like why Can you believe that there was a time when you could make a whole career?
00:35:46
Speaker
This guy did this for like 30, 40 years. Directing movies. What what a world we used to live in Where this was ah a career you could have.
00:35:59
Speaker
I have so many friends that are such talented writers, directors. They're never going to get to make a movie. This guy got to make 190 of them. And they all presumably sound like this. Have your friends tried putting more tits in their movies? That is the problem. It doesn't work like that anymore. this was This worked back when it was harder to find tits.
00:36:22
Speaker
They're everywhere now. They're a Google search away. Maybe as states like yours keep cracking down on porn sites, this stuff's going to make a comeback.
00:36:34
Speaker
Why do you think I'm... what I watched this movie for pleasure like three weeks ago and then had to suggest that it was the movie we do this week. Did you know I had to watch this goddamn thing twice just as a refresher because it was three weeks ago. i hate that I saw this twice. i I would love for you to explain to the audience how you came across this particular movie and chose to watch it of your own volition, not even for this podcast, but just...
00:37:02
Speaker
um for entertainment purposes please regale us do you have the poster pulled up did you see the poster for this i saw the poster for this film so it's eric estrada kind of looking sideways holding a gun and he's in black and white looks like maybe it could be on you know a poster for reservoir dogs and just a lady with giant knockers yeah And it's called Gary Graver's Angel Eyes. I know there's been a lot of talk lately about, you know, the director putting their name in the title of the film. Like right now we have Lee Cronin's The Mummy in theaters and Lee Cronin catching all sorts of hell.
00:37:45
Speaker
And didn't he have to do it so that it's not confused with the other movie Mummy movie that's coming out, though? Correct. I have to imagine Lee Cronin wanted nothing more less than to have his name and name above the title. Yeah. But we're thinking like who else has their name in the title of movies? Rob Zombie does. think Eli Roth has done it.
00:38:05
Speaker
I hope Gary Graver did it all 195 times. God, I hope so. I already started with number one, the first movie he ever made, you know, draw a line in the sand and walk the right the fuck over it.
00:38:17
Speaker
This is my movie. This is Gary Graver's picture. And this had to have been a hundred movies in. Did it get better? i don't know. Probably not.
00:38:28
Speaker
Probably not if we're honest with ourselves. um So yeah, Angel leaves because this this wonderful argument is is really upsetting her. And she wanders the streets of Hollywood lost and sad and alone. Doing nothing. Doing not a damn thing. We just had to fill some time to make this thing hit 70 minutes.
00:38:51
Speaker
um My favorite shot of the movie is coming up though here, which is we're back at the pool. We're back with the loan sharks and we see a girl laying out, um you know, a floaty in the pool, big old titties reading weekly world news with the headline farmer shoots 23 pound grasshopper.
00:39:17
Speaker
That is a good shot in the movie. It is. Can I tell you mine? Yeah. Mine is later in the movie, Angel tries to seduce Michelle again. And Michelle leaves and goes to the bathroom. And it's just this low shot of the sink. And the first thing to come into frame is her tits. And she over to like wash her face. And that's just such a funny shot. It's incredible. Really just swinging right in the camera. Defying gravity. I loved it.
00:39:51
Speaker
loved it I loved it. but But you're showing like we are both making cases for why Gary Graver's name should be in the fucking title. title Absolutely. So our bros got a week to get the money.
00:40:05
Speaker
Michelle has learned to close the shower door, um even though Angel is theoretically not here anymore. But she's hearing weird noises in the house. What could that be?
00:40:16
Speaker
Um, uh, we see my mom's car phone that she absolutely had in 1993. Um, and, uh, when our boy comes home from his very stressful meeting where he learns he only has a week to get the money or his fingernails are going to get ripped off, um, waiting by the wide open door with a cigarette and a bad attitude is Michelle.
00:40:40
Speaker
Here to yell at him again. Is that what you want to come home to after a long, hard day with your loan shark? You know, yes and no, because that attitude is going carry up to the bedroom. yeah And she really takes it out on him there. And like what anything, anything that he gets out of this relationship is in that room.
00:41:04
Speaker
There's no love here. there's no joy. now Yeah, no, and you're right, they do almost immediately start fucking again. And ah Angel's come home just to to watch and touch her boobs and imagine it's her underneath. and that That's what that's for.
Climactic Tensions and Violence
00:41:23
Speaker
And we all just sort of accept that she's back. um Nobody's like, no you're not allowed in here. they're They're like, how did you get a key? And she's like, I took it from under the mat. And no one says, give it back.
00:41:36
Speaker
um and the like But you left with your suitcase. is's like, yeah, because I can't carry 15 dollies with my arms, dad. And we all needed to go to Hollywood Boulevard together.
00:41:50
Speaker
creepy clown wanted to see the peep show yeah and she's like but i i'm scared can i sleep with you and michelle tonight and tries to kiss him again because i'm trying to put myself in his shoes and i just be like honey yeah yeah so bad let's just you know let's just see where this goes Yeah, but ah he's like, listen, you got to be out before Michelle wakes up tomorrow, which she does point out like that gives me plenty of time because Michelle doesn't wake up till the sun goes down.
00:42:31
Speaker
That's a late checkout in a hotel. it's Seriously, I wish we ever could get a checkout that late at a hotel.
00:42:40
Speaker
Running on Michelle time here. Got to pay for a whole extra day just to to get out of there. Yeah, no kidding. um And so she's she comes in after he leaves to go do, I don't know, business shit.
00:42:53
Speaker
And we've got Angel walking into Michelle's room and she says that Steven touched me. He kissed me. And Michelle like snaps into good girl mode. She's like, you can tell me, oh my gosh, why am crying? She's very concerned. She believes her. Um...
00:43:15
Speaker
And then, and then, and then, and then they're like, it's getting like, she's like, she starts kissing Michelle. She starts rubbing, you know, on her face and her boobs. And Michelle's like, not really stopping.
00:43:32
Speaker
And then there is a weird cut here. Did you note this where it seems like this thing was probably a full on girl on girl sex scene that somebody cut?
00:43:42
Speaker
Because Angel's top is off when it was not off at the beginning of the shot. See, this. No, I didn't even notice that because I just assume they're all always out.
00:43:55
Speaker
ah No, it was very strange framing. Like they jump in position in a really unnatural way. It definitely looked to me like somebody looked at this and was like, you can't have that much girl on girl. You can have a kiss and maybe a little booby touchy and that's it.
00:44:15
Speaker
But why? Why? who's What's it really going to cut down on? Like, it's not like this was going to theaters. It's not like this is going to play on television.
00:44:26
Speaker
i don't know what to tell you i'm just saying i'm just reporting what i noticed i think you're right though i do think that seems like an editor took an artistic liberty and if they had given gary graver final cut this movie would have been 75 minutes of 75 of it is girl on girl baby ah As Michelle learns some things about herself that she's not entirely comfortable with, so she's got to go into the bathroom and lower her boobs into frame and wash her face and think about things.
00:45:01
Speaker
That might be the greatest shot in any of the movies we've watched. I don't know, man. We've never seen them lowered into camera. but Yeah. was pretty great but i'm thinking about when oh god what was the movie where she leans back and her her gravity defying tits rise up like the cahokia mounds oh shit that was the pam andrew not pam anderson it was um oh my god anna nicole smith anna nicole smith one yep yep to the limit yeah that one was pretty great that was such a good movie compared to this
00:45:37
Speaker
Yeah, no shit. Plot, action. Oh, yeah. There's a rocket launcher in that one. Dialogue. Yeah. God, I wish there was a rocket launcher in this movie. That would have improved this movie by about 600% it had a rocket launcher at ah at a helicopter, wasn't it?
00:45:56
Speaker
Yeah. No, a car hit a helicopter. Yeah. It was a incredible. And then the car survived. Why does this not have that? This could not afford that. We have two sets here. That's all you get.
00:46:09
Speaker
There is a death scene in this movie, though, that we have not seen in any other movie. I'll give you that. We'll get there. We'll get there. We'll get there. um So someone from the hospital calls, and it turns out that Angel is on parole from the hospital. Guys, Angel isn't well.
00:46:32
Speaker
no we're all so surprised but so they're calling to verify the phone number and her address and make sure she's got a place to stay and ask if she's talked to her probation officer and she's like no and it's like that's very important angel and the like lazy ass way in which this nurse says she'll be back yeah She met Angel. She'll be back.
00:47:02
Speaker
You're right. How long do you think John would have tried to convince you to let Angel stay y'all's house? um John would be the first one to say no to the to the grown woman with the creepy doll. John doesn't stand for creepy dolls.
00:47:18
Speaker
But she's so innocent. And her boobs are so big. It's really hard to get away from them. Yeah. i feel like... I don't know. I think she's staying there at least a day and a half. Probably. no. As you drink vodka in bed. Wait a minute.
00:47:38
Speaker
Hold on. Suddenly I'm back around on this. I like this scenario. Yeah,
00:47:47
Speaker
yeah the problem is that when she asked, can I sleep with you guys tonight? The answer would be, yeah, why not? Yeah, come on in. This is actually best case scenario of anything that could possibly happen in this film.
00:48:01
Speaker
So, yeah, um I don't know if if it seems insane to me that the asylum would have let her out after she was committed there for murdering her own mother, that they'd be like, yeah, it seems fine. She's going to stay with the guy she claims is her stepdad. We're not going to look into that too hard.
00:48:23
Speaker
So where this movie ends up heading,
00:48:29
Speaker
I don't know. You watched it three times. What do you mean you don't know?
00:48:38
Speaker
It's almost like she was a trained assassin. I mean, is she Angel because he's she's his guardian angel and like kills all of his problems? Yeah.
00:48:50
Speaker
I mean, she does kill all his problems. That's true. But it seems almost more like an accident that she kills all his problems. Like she was going to kill somebody tonight and it was lucky that it was the problems instead of Steve and Michelle.
00:49:07
Speaker
I don't know if she would have killed them. though ah Maybe she would have. She maybe would have killed Michelle. But Michelle's nice to her the rest of it. Like oddly nice. well But she also does think she was molested.
00:49:18
Speaker
Yes. And Michelle is waiting when Stevie comes home to slap him and accuse him of being a rapist. And he's like, why would I rape her? I'm in danger from a loan shark, which is not the best argument I've ever personally heard for. And she's like, OK, I'm so sorry. I didn't believe you. I love you. i didn't know you were in danger from a loan shark.
00:49:44
Speaker
You can't crime someone when somebody's trying to crime you because of a crime. Wait, Lone Shark is not a crime.
Angel's Disturbing Behavior
00:49:53
Speaker
it es I mean, if you start breaking people's fingers, I'm pretty sure it's a crime.
00:49:57
Speaker
Yeah, but that guy doesn't like violence. He just wants them to collect money. Yeah, and the way he's going to collect the money is to break your fingers. So, yeah. um ah She's like, I made dinner!
00:50:11
Speaker
and And still no one is kicking her ass out.
00:50:16
Speaker
No one is kicking Angel out, even though she just accused this man of being a rapist. And...
00:50:26
Speaker
There is no reason for anyone to keep her here, but they've got bigger problems. They're meeting with the possibly Japanese investor tonight, so they both have to get dressed up, and Steve and Michelle have to go out to dinner, and you can stay home and have dinner with all your creepy little dolls.
00:50:47
Speaker
Why they don't kick her out, I don't know. I love this scene because, you know, in the opening scene, we got a rip off of Halloween. This scene of her having this dinner with the dolls really felt like the dinner scene in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So we're just we're just stealing from better movies. But it works. I like to see Angel live through horror films.
00:51:12
Speaker
Yes, yes. It's an homage, Garrett. It's not a ripoff. Oh, i'm sorry, sorry, sorry. this is Yes, this is similar to what Tarantino does for his films. Yes, exactly. Homage. Yes. Okay, okay. So, yeah, she's, like, beating up the dolls, and it's, like, clearly she's acting out her own childhood with the dolls. It's like, wow, this is the kind of doll-related therapy you probably should have been getting in, uh...
00:51:37
Speaker
in the hospital instead of we do see like clips of her at the hospital being like strapped down to a gurney and injected with shit and it's like oh no that's so terrible i feel so bad for you except for the fact that you killed your mom
00:51:54
Speaker
and she had it coming clearly on hint yeah she got what she she got she got i do take angel's side most of the time in this mostly because of the breath touching and the soaping That's what I was going to ask. is Is it because you actually are on her side or you believe she's innocent or because you like that she's always touching her boobies?
00:52:14
Speaker
She has kind eyes, whatever color they may be. Angel eyes, some might say. um Literally forgot that was the title of this film. ah She goes and gets dressed up in some of Michelle's clothes and there is a coyote rug in this closet that I could not stop staring at. like they We're supposed to be looking at her going through Michelle's clothes and being like, oh no. No, there's a coyote rug on the top shelf and I just could not stop staring at it. I don't know why or how this thing is there.
00:52:49
Speaker
Wait, you mean like a coyote skin rug? Like where his head's hanging off the edge? Yes! Or like a cool shirt coyote situation? I wish that were the case. No, this is like a skinned, like you know how they have that bear rug down by the fireplace? Well, they had a much smaller version that is clearly a coyote.
00:53:09
Speaker
Only it's in a closet. How about that? I cannot. Are you sure you watched this movie three times? I'm looking at her breasts in case they come out because you never know. That's true. You never do know.
00:53:23
Speaker
Wait, so was she dressing up as Michelle to kill them when they came back, but Nick the Lone Shark came in first? I do think that's what happened, yes. um That's hilarious. the henchman, the finger-breaking henchman comes in.
00:53:37
Speaker
um She's getting all sexed up and putting on makeup and is like, the door is open. And he just wanders in. It's like, hey, Stephen here. no Okay.
00:53:52
Speaker
Tell him I was here. He's so ready to fuck, too. Oh, yeah, absolutely. She ah is is sort of offering him some vodka, and it's like, we drink it straight from the bottle here. That's how Mama does it, Mama Michelle. Mama Michelle drinks it straight from the bottle, so I will too. And then she handcuffs herself to him, and he's like, um, I'm not entirely, he seems not entirely okay with this, but when her tits come out, he is no longer complaining.
00:54:23
Speaker
So they start fucking on that bearskin rug by the fire, which seems like a stupid thing to have in LA, if I'm honest. Like, why do you need a bearskin rug by a fireplace? Oh, the the amount of sweat coming out of Nick the henchman is just disgusting. This movie smells like Texas Chainsaw Massacre right now with him fireside ass on a bear.
00:54:48
Speaker
And then at one point, like, she's it starts off with her on top and then, like, or No, she's on bottom and then she flips over so that she's on top. And her breasts grow like eight sizes. Somehow. And we see a tiny little shot of his nuts.
00:55:07
Speaker
Get out of town. Yes. there You caught the nuts this and didn't. caught the this time. I caught the nut shot. You were too busy looking at the big old fake boobies. That was a red herring. There were nuts the whole time.
00:55:19
Speaker
and that's how I get killed by John Wick from behind.
Resolution and Unresolved Storylines
00:55:22
Speaker
Like he comes into assassination while I'm just like distracted. yeah You get to see some wrinkly little ball skin.
00:55:31
Speaker
we seen a film though where someone kills another person while that person is inside of them? I feel like we must have. i feel like we must have by now, but I can't name one in which someone actually kills the person while they are inside them.
00:55:53
Speaker
Hear me out. Okay, go ahead. So Nick the henchman is being strangled with. The log um grabby. The log grabby thing. The log grabby log thing. He's handcuffed. He's getting choked.
00:56:06
Speaker
He is getting sexed. Mm-hmm. Honestly, all of it looks very fun. Mm-hmm. autoerotic asphyxiation is happening what if angel gets pregnant from nick the henchman's autoerotic asphyxiation thing she's insane and this is how we start a nightmare on elm street prequel we we're rebooting not a bastard son of a hundred maniacs it's just a henchman autoerotic asphyxiated into a crazy person creates a freddy krueger
00:56:39
Speaker
I mean, I've certainly heard worse premises for horror icon. Gary Graver's A Nightmare on Elm Street.
00:56:53
Speaker
He's dead, but we're doing it in his honor. Yeah, you can still put his name in it. that No one can stop you legally, I don't think. one of the last things he did One of the last things he directed, according to this, was G-rated... No, I don't believe this man did a single G-rated thing in his life. i I refuse to believe this. It must have been at least PG. Yeah.
00:57:20
Speaker
A G-rated movie called Angel in Training about a 13-year-old with... Wait, what the hell? Is this a prequel? 13-year-old Desi has three big problems. a family Her family home's up for sale. Her struggling cartoonist's father is duped by a sexy, money-hungry agent, and she needs to find a date for her friend's birthday party. An apprentice angel is sent to Earth to help Desi, and it looks like the angel plays basketball.
00:57:48
Speaker
So it's like Angel's in the outfield, only she's helping you get, like the Angel's helping you get a prom date instead of win a baseball game? I'm looking at the poster of these side-by-side, Angel in Training and Angel Eyes.
00:58:03
Speaker
Masterful work.
00:58:06
Speaker
I love it. His son was a gaffer on some of his pornos, too. Sorry. Oh, good. that's That's a great way to, you know, bring your son to work day. Love that. um You know, this is the kind of Hollywood nepotism we all can stand behind. yeah right Chris no one has oh my god if Chris Graver when they're like how did he get that lighting job on that Pixar documentary well you know his dad no his dad isn't Gary is he 190 pornos under his belt or whatever yeah same yeah yeah listen a lot of really famous directors got their start in porn can't name any right now but
00:58:55
Speaker
That's how Zooey Deschanel broke into the film industry, probably. Like her famous porno directing father. i All right. So um this is by far the best acting in the whole movie is when she is killing him with the log grabby thing.
00:59:13
Speaker
And for some reason he cannot overpower or does or chooses not to overpower the tiny woman, despite the fact that he is a a lone shark henchman. um
Thematic Reflections on Hollywood
00:59:23
Speaker
but instead chooses to die i believe he chooses to auto erotic asphyxiate i guess it's not auto erotic because auto is self self so like it must just be the erotic asphyxiation he chooses to go this way and god bless him more power to him hope he's happy and you know wherever henchmen end up when they die
00:59:47
Speaker
I don't know. he maybe he had a little bit of will to live, but then he saw a collection of 15 dolls and just lost all interest in being alive. fair if so fair and she's laughing hysterically and being like you're dead and I cackled it was incredible this was the best acting we saw out of her the whole movie I believed 100% she was happy to kill that man while he was inside her I love woman with a sense of humor samezies it's really important to me she actually has lot going like she checks a lot of boxes uh-huh is one of those boxes owns 15 creepy dolls
01:00:28
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, if i if they have to be there or not be there, I'm going choose to. I want to see the doll collection because I'm not going to be afraid of these dolls. There's dolls. I don't think voodoo exists within this world.
01:00:40
Speaker
She just has a weird hobby. i like my lady to have a hobby. You know what? That's so true. You don't want somebody who ah is is, you know, not well-rounded enough that to have hobbies and interests. You need somebody who's got their own life and their own interests.
01:00:58
Speaker
And um for some people that might be, you know, that they're in a rec league kind of kickball thing or that they're... a coin collector i would be just as disinterested in bird watching as i am her doll collection at least with the dolls that don't have to leave the house to go do it true true but they will stare at you while you fuck so that is so will she you won't see anything other than her tits anyway garrett what eyes
01:01:36
Speaker
So Johnny comes in because he's not heard from his henchmen in a while. So he obviously needs to come check out what's going on. And please describe for our viewers.
Final Thoughts and Ratings
01:01:47
Speaker
Well, are not. sweet christ I forgot about that. Please describe what Johnny sees when he enters this house.
01:01:56
Speaker
Beautiful house. Bears, bearskin rug. It looks like a lady laying there until he gets a little closer and realizes that Nick is now dressed up like a woman in like a silk, like it what, a bathrobe, a kimono. Yeah, i think it's like a blue like ah robe kind of kimono thing.
01:02:17
Speaker
Pretty heavy makeup. Yes. And wig. And wig. And wig. ah Clearly he didn't do this to himself. It seems as if he were murdered by an insane person who dressed him as a lady.
01:02:33
Speaker
And then it takes approximately the rest of the movie for Eric Estrada to search the house. Yes. um ah my His response to seeing his henchman dead on the floor, dressed as a woman,
01:02:47
Speaker
um is to go over and um look at him and check his eyes, pulls his eyelids open, not sure why, doesn't check the pulse or anything. Also, we can clearly see this dude is breathing.
01:03:03
Speaker
yeah Really great. But he his response is, aw, Nick. That's it. That's all he has to say. Aw, Nick.
01:03:14
Speaker
Nick. not best friends. Like most of the time when a henchman dies, you they don't even get an awed Nick. That's so true. But you know, I thought he would be more surprised at seeing Nick dressed as a woman laying dead on the floor.
01:03:29
Speaker
something Also, I disagree. I think that his assumption was not that a psychopath had dressed Nick up post-mortem. I think his assumption was that Nick came in and um got lured into some sort of weird sort of sexual situation. With the real estate man. Yes, with the real estate man um that maybe Steven was like, I can pay you back in sexual favors, maybe. And Nick was like, all right, but I'm going to have to be dressed as a woman while you do it. And Steve was like, not a problem here. Try on my girlfriend's clothes and wig and makeup. And, you know, Nick was like, hell yeah. And then during the sex act, something went horribly wrong.
01:04:13
Speaker
Some sort of, i don't know, erotic asphyxiation gone awry, and that's why Nick is lying there dead. So really the aww Nick was more of a oh man, he's gay. And he got sucked off by a boring guy. ah Yes. I think that that was what the aww Nick was on. Nick, how'd you get yourself in this situation again? had a nickel for every time that Nick tries to collect a debt through sexual favors and then ends up dead on the floor.
01:04:47
Speaker
Boy, oh boy, I wouldn't have to keep paying this politician all this money. I'd have it all from Nick. So he pulled his eyes open for the sit. Like like you said, you saw him breathing. So did he. He's like, Nick, you in there, buddy?
01:05:01
Speaker
Wow, Nick. um So he's, you're right, ah got to avenge his dead henchmen. So he starts wandering the house with a gun.
01:05:14
Speaker
Gets stabbed real slowly. Real slow. He has plenty of time to shoot her and does not. I think he's just too surprised. By her tits. By her tits. He's like, wowie wow, look at them titties. ahooga huga As the knife slowly goes in three or four times. like yeah Just so slow. like so Slow enough that I don't even know if you could penetrate the skin easily.
01:05:39
Speaker
Yeah, right? Like, it seems like maybe he could have even survived it. He could have taken one big step back and this whole thing would have been avoided. But he's too surprised. Yeah.
01:05:53
Speaker
Cut to ah the couple is is home. They sealed the deal. Not a problem. ah The busy Japanese investor um has has agreed to to buy up the condos or whatever it is. And Michelle helped out by being so hot. So she wants a cut of the money now. And he's like, anything you want, babe. i love you so much.
01:06:17
Speaker
And, you know, surprise!
01:06:22
Speaker
Angel's here with two dead bodies and a gun. i And he's like, oh, Angel. Angel. Not Nick. Because they walk in and Nick is a surprise for them, too where He's like, i don't know. I think this guy threatened to break my kneecaps. Why is he wearing all your makeup in your house? like Something very strange has happened in our house. And he's like, Michelle, you stay here. And she's like, fuck, no, I'm not staying here with the dead body. fancy corpse. The fancy corpse. No, I'm coming with you.
01:06:56
Speaker
Oh, that. And then they go upstairs and find a corpse with perfect hair. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Erica Strada does have nice hair. It's very nice. It's very nice. perfectly in place but this movie like this is the end of the movie yes it seems like maybe there should be more here there's not more here we and coax the gun out of her hand like come on daddy's so ah happy to see you hug daddy is what our our hero says to to coax the gun out of her hands and
01:07:28
Speaker
and then so did she just live with him now no i'm assuming i mean they don't show it but i assume they called up the police and the police sent her back to the to the hospital okay but the end end of this movie it shows the businessman that was eric estrada's boss going to his hollywood hills home or whatever yeah just looking around because no one's there anymore and he just sort of got this sad look as he examines the rose bushes But then he sees woman hitchhiking and getting into the car. That's girl. That's the girl. That's the blonde from the beginning. That's the blonde from the beginning. The Wisconsin girl who had just come into town two weeks ago and was going to get acting lessons, but then instead ended up just being a girl with her tits out to decorate a loan shark's pool. Cause that's actually a surprisingly lucrative career. don't know if you knew that pool decoration.
01:08:27
Speaker
And then that businessman finally gets his C back. Yeah, I guess. He watches the sunset and that's the end of the fucking movie. And I think it may have been a commentary. I think this was whole movie comes down to Garrett. This is a commentary about Hollywood and the people who come to Hollywood with big dreams and it's big tits and big dreams and just chews them up and spits them out, you know? And you either you either get in the car with the next guy or you murder a loan shark.
01:09:05
Speaker
What is the businessman? Like, why does he get the... No, he's part of the machine that chews up the ladies and and ruins their lives. He's part of the whole system.
01:09:18
Speaker
But it ended happily ever after for him because everyone left his house and he gets to enjoy the ocean again. You know what? Kind of true, though. Yeah. Yeah. Also, um he looked genuinely a little sad. Like, I think he liked Eric Estrada and all the big-titted girls that were hanging around his pool as much as he pretended that he was against it. And I think deep down he really liked it. Yeah, it did cost me a couple bottles of wine and some crackers, but...
01:09:46
Speaker
Tits is better than no tits. I guess I'll have a little gander to see. Ain't it always the way, though. You don't know what you got till it's gone.
01:09:57
Speaker
They're covered up, put away. h They paved them tits and put up a parking lot.
01:10:05
Speaker
No tits here, just Arby's. I don't know. I don't think this movie was a commentary on jack shit. It was an excuse for boobies and you got them.
01:10:17
Speaker
Is of the Papa G's treasure chest of dog shit. Is this the worst one? No, because the fucking Meridian is still the worst one. meridian was awesome i think if we're like talking about the actual dog shit the phone sex man one was worse phone sex man one was worse no by far still the one i have hated the experience of watching the most was ah revenge was that the one where it's like the girl ends up with aids in a nunnery
01:10:50
Speaker
Is that the the Kevin Costner one? She ended with AIDS at the end? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember the case to it. I don't really remember. There was really good car chase, like a sex car chase or something? The sex car bit was was fine.
01:11:03
Speaker
they They fucking like a Humvee while he's driving. That cool. That sounds awesome. Yeah, but the rest of the movie was unbearably depressing. chip We got to like watch El Chapo's Quinceañera. Yeah.
01:11:17
Speaker
You know I forgot about El Chapo's Quinceañera. You're right. That one does have that redeeming moment. But for the most part, i I did not enjoy the experience of that. This one, I also did not enjoy the experience of, but it was always novel. What new hair and boob combo you were going to get next? Yeah.
01:11:38
Speaker
They really soaked him in this one. They soaked him up good. This movie does win soapiest boobs. That might even not be true. Actually, that might not be true. We saw a lot of Anna Nicole Smith's boobs in her movie. Oh, she soaked him She soaked him good.
01:11:57
Speaker
All right, Garrett. You ready to do this thing? Yeah. Were you aroused? Scale of one to five. Yeah, I think so. think so. And I think Gary Garver, or Gary, I keep wanting to say Garver, Gary Graver, think he knows what's sexy to a boy. And that is boob touching. Boob touching.
01:12:19
Speaker
you know, he just, he works the classics. You don't have to reinvent the wheel here. Play the hits. You gotta touch a boob. Yeah. Play the hits. So, you know what, yeah ah Gary, I'm gonna, um four seems high. Mm-hmm.
01:12:36
Speaker
But he is a master of his craft. He's done. He's put in the 10,000 hours. It's so true. Easy. If anyone the man knows how to shoot boobs. Okay. He does. Four. Four out of five.
01:12:49
Speaker
Okay. Um. Yeah, I will say, like, I'm not made of stone. um When there's a ah beautiful redhead with her tits out calling someone daddy, ah I'm okay with it. I'm not mad about it.
01:13:04
Speaker
um Them titties were big. They were fake, ah that which is not my style, personally. But again, I'm not made of stone. I'll give it a four.
01:13:17
Speaker
I think of the old fakies, old movies with the fakies we've seen. These are the best ones. Yeah, yeah. Maybe they weren't even. They i were. Garrett, we saw them underwater. They floated.
01:13:30
Speaker
Fair. God damn, I don't need to. Yeah, you're always here to be our myth buster. Sorry.
01:13:41
Speaker
um But were you thrilled? Scaling one to five.
01:13:51
Speaker
to Two Two It's pretty low There's not a lot of thrills in this movie Like I said I'm not afraid of the dolls i wasn't afraid of Angel i do feel like It's kind of like when you watch Child's Play and you think I could beat Chucky Yeah feel like I could defeat Angel I can't get I can't be scared of Chucky You could punt him across the room Angel I just kick her giant dits across the field goal They'd probably pop and then she would need to be rushed to the hospital immediately. it doesn't seem that hard to overpower her.
01:14:26
Speaker
And that knife was coming so slow. Like I might not have the fastest reflexes, but I could just crop pop. like I could beat the shit out of it. You do not need to know Krav Maga in order to get this woman to stop killing you. You do not need to be a judo master.
01:14:46
Speaker
And if I am being strangled with the the log holder while she's riding me, I'm going to wiggle it out of there. I'm getting it out of there and I'm going start kicking. She didn't even have a knife.
01:14:57
Speaker
And she's not ever even a threat, really, to either of the the main couple. she The only people, like, she points a gun at them once, briefly, at the very end. Other than that, it's all just, like, innuendo of her just holding a knife. and or the time when she has this doll that looks like ah ah a stuffed, like if someone taxidermied a rat, but then made it look like a troll doll, like with the big poof of hair.
01:15:28
Speaker
with the colorful hair and then she like rips the head off of it like i get the that's supposed to be menacing um but it isn't it's not and uh I will say, though, for a great kill, um the log the log grabby thing, I don't think in real life that would kill anybody. I think it would just make your neck hurt. But, like, it was fun. It was unique. I liked it. Yeah. That was a really good kill.
01:15:56
Speaker
It's a good kill. um The other kill, obviously much worse. Just a slow motion stabbing. um So I'm going to give it a one and a half. Why did Erica Strada do this? I mean, I know this is like 10 years after chips was off the air, so we needed money. Sometimes you need money and you get to be surrounded by big tits all day. Garrett, what are you going to complain about? Big tits in the sea. it was Big tits. You know what? that's up ah His scenes took place entirely at a pool.
01:16:24
Speaker
an afternoon. Yes, in an afternoon at a pool. And then he had to go do the the house, walking through the house. This did not take him a lot of of time or effort.
01:16:37
Speaker
It took Cameron Diaz longer to voice Shrek. do Probably. Yes, it did. So, yeah. Would you, Garrett, ruin your life for Angel?
01:16:49
Speaker
Yes. Yeah, you're letting her stay at your house? Yes, I didn't think that was going to be my answer before we started this conversation. Really? But as it goes, yeah.
01:17:00
Speaker
Yeah, I think I would. I think that I i would be powerless to the nudity, to the weirdness. I think that in a different movie, if the Fox Searchlight made it, we'd call her Corky. She would be a manic pixie dream girl.
01:17:17
Speaker
You know, that sort of childlike quality, how she seems really naive about the world. um Everything's really exciting and interesting to her. Yeah, I think you're right. In a different movie, she's the manic pixie dream girl. You throw the shins on top of this movie? Completely different.
01:17:37
Speaker
Karen is creepy, kid. To give a shout out to the music for this, which does all seem to have been done by one guy who does multiple genres over the course of this one movie, all of which are...
01:17:53
Speaker
um yeah how do i can shred guy can do sex jazz the guy can do he hey a ballad yeah he's he's got he he spreads a lot of jobs i would call him a jack of all trades and a master of none but uh you know oh come on okay fine they're all um acceptable they're fine I don't even know. I'm going to try and find out here who um who scored this film for us. maybe Maybe if we click and we're like, oh my They had song spy in the opening credits that I remember seeing.
01:18:32
Speaker
Composer Chuck Serino. He looks like a real person. And he did Return of Swamp Thing. Oh, my God. He composed the first horror movie I ever saw. 1986's Chopping Mall.
01:18:51
Speaker
oh Oh, Chopping Mall's a classic. Even I've seen that one. He did a bunch of movies called Dog Gone, which is like dogs doing stuff.
01:19:02
Speaker
Uh-huh. Sure. Sure. Let's see. It looks like some ninja sex movies. Okay. love that. Busty Codes versus Lusty Cheerleaders. Guy has a type. I see. Oh, these guys met doing pornos, think. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense, actually. Sexy Wives Syndrome, but then you got Dino Croc versus Super Gator.
01:19:22
Speaker
Wow. Okay. This guy's got range. God. Clearly. This is actually a really hilarious. Yeah, it's all like B movies and sex movies.
01:19:33
Speaker
I do want to show you this poster for another Gary Graver movie, which is now on my list of things to watch. There's three of them. Oh, okay. That's just a lady holding a knife in between her bare breasts. And it's masseuse three.
01:19:51
Speaker
Yeah, he did all of them, but I don't need to start with one to get the idea of what's going on this news. What if the lore on this thing is deep and you are are so lost? That dude knew how to do a poster.
01:20:05
Speaker
I mean, truly, that's a ah magnificent poster. um So, Garrett, I must know, what changed your mind about letting Angel in and ruining your life for her?
01:20:16
Speaker
Well, it's just as we were talking, it made me realize like how many details I've missed because I was just staring at her boobs. And you're realizing youre but you're powerless. Yeah, I'm just a fucking dumb caveman, just like Steven. And what am I going to do? She is going to be sleeping at the foot of my bed with me and my wife. Like, I have no choice.
01:20:40
Speaker
like um Even though your wife is going to nag the shit out of you and as she waits by the door with a cigarette and a bad attitude to slap you when you come home.
01:20:52
Speaker
Just keep feeding her vodka and giving her that good loving and and it she stays out of your hair just enough to enjoy life. That's beautiful. Um...
01:21:04
Speaker
I don't know. i don't know if I have as high of a tolerance for all the rest of the things that come with Angel along with her perfectly circular breasts. So I'm going to say, no, I'm not ruining my life for Angel. You have fun. um i see the appeal. I see the appeal. Don't get me wrong.
01:21:25
Speaker
I see it, but um I'm just going to make different choices. Yeah. I think with a nice home, she could be brought back to reality. Yeah, you think you could, um you could.
01:21:39
Speaker
Yes. You're saying you can fix her? I can she's all that, Angel. Oh, oh, oh, we're doing a she's all that. It sounds to me more like you're trying to house train her. I take off her glasses and take her knife away. it's like, oh, she's beautiful. oh my God. She's beautiful. It's not even, no, not I'm sorry, not glasses. I just removed the doll and knife from her arm. Just the doll and the knife. Wow, um she's a pretty lady underneath. Who knew?
01:22:08
Speaker
All right, Garrett, you have fun trying to fix her. Oh, my God. Just make sure she talks to her parole officer. Yeah, well, I'm going to make sure she's going to get to the meetings on time.
01:22:22
Speaker
What, Stabbers Anonymous? Well, if yeah I think she's stabbed at a young enough age or whatever that I don't know what meetings they go to. I haven't had to deal with this problem, but, you know, I'll do a couple Googs.
01:22:37
Speaker
I'll Google search this. Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Listener Engagement and Call to Action
01:22:41
Speaker
All right, everybody. Sorry. Sorry. It's on Plex or Prime if you want to watch Angel Eyes. It's only 70 minutes of your time.
01:22:50
Speaker
Yeah, what are going to do? ah It's not the J-Lo one from like 2001, so don't get that mistaken. This is Gary Graver's Angel Eyes, motherfucker.
01:23:01
Speaker
Don't get it twisted.
01:23:06
Speaker
Oh, shit. Hey, thanks for listening. this is This is so fun. I've been so sick for the last two weeks. So to to get to watch these, I think it actually just cleared up any congestion I had. was Was just staring straight into the to Angel's eyes. Yeah, her eyes.
01:23:26
Speaker
Her eyes. Eyes. Yeah. nothing Yeah. Hey, rate, review, subscribe, like, comment, do whatever, email us, Instagram, tell a friend. I like that one. Spread the word. We're always happy to have more people in the club. um You got anything, Kit?
01:23:45
Speaker
No. Let us know if y'all have any other suggestions for things that can distract Garrett, apparently. yeah what What movie is more distracting? That's crazy. There's so much I missed in this.
01:23:58
Speaker
This movie made me feel so stupid. ah Yeah, I guess this movie's awesome. No, it sucks. Her boobs are awesome.
Humor and Sign-Off
01:24:09
Speaker
Masseuse 3. I'm going to find Masseuse 3. Okay, you have fun finding that one and then we'll see if we do that one next. That'll be on the Patreon. We don't have a Patreon. They don't know that.
01:24:20
Speaker
they They're like, where have we been sending all this $5 to? You've been sending it to the Angel Help Fund um to get her, um you know, her rehabilitation, get her potty trains, and ah to get all the knives removed from the house.
01:24:40
Speaker
ah Hey, everybody. Thank you for listening. Wet your snails. Gary Graver fan club out. We want to shake you naked and get you alive.