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Crimes of Passion (1984)
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This week on the Erotic Thriller Club we get to enjoy the scene chewing goodness of Anthony Perkins and his razor sharp vibrator! Also, find out what happens when a man is churned like butter...
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Crimes of Passion' Discussion
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, a priest you met doing poppers at a peep show, and gather around the radio.
00:00:11
Speaker
It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. Not rude or crude, he's always tasty.
00:00:24
Speaker
Hypothesis, mysterious and dangerous, and oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the ages. So if you're fatally attracted to the racier stuff, a rotting film club.
00:00:46
Speaker
If you want a racier movie and you're too classy for smart,
00:01:07
Speaker
A down-on-his-luck electronics salesman with a failing marriage takes on a part-time job as a PI. But it turns out spying on a fashion designer is only a hop, skip, and a jump away from leaving your family and falling madly in love with a prostitute who just happens to have a knife vibrator-wielding priest stalking her.
00:01:27
Speaker
Oof, this sounds messy. This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, Crimes of Passion. Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here. And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled?
00:01:48
Speaker
And would I ruin my life for this person? This movie had been on the watch list for quite a while. I feel like every time i search just generally erotic thrillers on a lot of like the Tubi, Pluto, Freebie, like whatever, any of those, the poster for this one popped up.
00:02:11
Speaker
And I kept not choosing it. Mostly, you might notice on this podcast, we don't do a lot of prostitute movies. Those ones kind of not, they don't make me feel happy.
00:02:22
Speaker
um So I tend to not choose them. So for there to be a prostitute movie, this is you did this. I did this. This one was I wouldn't have done this. This movie, I don't know how I feel about it. And I think we're going to talk it through. oh yeah, we'll work through our feelings together.
Challenges in Finding 'Crimes of Passion' and Initial Impressions
00:02:39
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:02:40
Speaker
Welcome to the Erotic Thriller Club ah therapy for Garrett session, where he discusses his feelings on the movie Crimes of Passion. Well, hey, last week we got to listen to you out loud at the top of a podcast say, I did not like Heider in the house. And then spend 90 minutes listening. Talking about how I actually kind of liked Heider in the house. you're right. And it wasn't me selling you on it. No. It was you talking yourself into realizing that Heider in the house was pretty good.
00:03:13
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you discover things about yourself through the act of ah discussing them. So just like, yeah, yeah it's just like therapy.
00:03:24
Speaker
So let's let's let's start at the beginning. When did you first notice you had conflicted feelings, Garrett, about crimes of passion? Was it that the title isn't as snappy as Hider in the House?
00:03:38
Speaker
LAUGHTER and Yeah, this was a hard movie to find, Kit, because online it told me Tubi. I type in Crimes of Passion. There are literally three listed. Not this one.
00:03:51
Speaker
some For some reason, my Apple search bar, though, was able to access it through Tubi, but I myself was and unable to find it on Tubi. And that's
Critique of the Movie's Dialogue and Tone
00:04:02
Speaker
insane. I ordered it animal style off the secret menu. and i i mean she's saucy I managed to find it with ah Crimes of Passion 1984 the search bar, and it it was able to be found. Apparently, you got to get real, real specific.
00:04:24
Speaker
That's an odd problem, and I feel like we need to email Dr. Tubi. I assume they're a doctor. At least somebody gave them an honorary doctorate from wherever. Absolutely. They gave a great speech at commencement in the year.
00:04:38
Speaker
What year did Tubi come out? ah Whatever. Do you remember last year Tubi had the Super Bowl on it? Tubi was cooking last year. That's probably when they got that honorary doctorate was after hosting the Super Bowl. That seems like the kind of thing that gets you that.
00:04:56
Speaker
Do you think Tubi's a man or a woman? Tubi's a they them? na then It's a non-binary.
00:05:05
Speaker
Tubi is us. Tubi is we. Tubi is the royal we. Tubi is you. Tubi is me. Tubi is all of us. We are Tubi. This is actually in another future, another version of the world, there is a Bill and Ted where instead of like the station be excellent to each other, it is just like a Tubi.
00:05:25
Speaker
Tubi. Yeah. Tubi. Tubi. So yeah, the the movie opens with some sort of, um with the worst joke I've ever heard, i believe. the The Adam and Eve joke.
00:05:42
Speaker
Yeah, you're actually describing ah the whole movie and the all of the dialogue. Yeah. The dialogue sucks. Everyone in this movie thinks they are Mae West. They are not Mae West, but they think they're Mae West. And they're going to come up with some some saucy one-liners um that they think make them sound real um worldly and and above it all and sexual.
00:06:07
Speaker
And all of them sound stupid. Yeah, I think the first half hour I watched last night, and I watched the rest of it today, this afternoon before we recorded, in the first half hour, going back and re-watching it before we recorded, like having seen the end now, makes sense why it's so off-putting.
00:06:30
Speaker
Because I want to start, I do want to say up front, I don't think I liked this movie, but I do like the performances in it. But I think a big problem is I i can't tell. I think the movie's a comedy. it's i think the movie wants to be funny. It's not.
00:06:47
Speaker
It's not. It is written in innuendo and dad jokes, like all sexual dad innuendo. And and there's nothing worse to me than a bad comedy. Like you can laugh. A bad drama is fun.
00:07:01
Speaker
Bad dramas are hilarious. We love them. But like this movie, it's not one where like a drama we can write down ridiculous shit they're saying because I don't like we'd just be going down and writing down bad jokes. And it's it just had a point I started writing stuff down, but then realized, oh, this is the whole movie. This is just how they speak.
00:07:21
Speaker
I hate this. Honestly, the lines were so cheesy and the delivery in the opening segment where it looks like he's in some sort of a group therapy support group type circle of folding chairs um that I assumed that this was an acting class that we were opening on an acting class where these people are delivering what is intentionally cheesy dialogue in over exaggerated manner Because it's going to cut to like, okay, let's try that again. But this time, you know, you try this bit and you try this. But no, that's that's all supposed to be a real conversation people are really having. And it's mind-blowing to me because it's just like, well, I'd rather have a vibrator in me than your dick because then I wouldn't have to make it breakfast in the morning.
00:08:11
Speaker
are you what Are you serious right now? Yeah, they are. i get the acting class thing, but I was also just very confused of, I assumed we were in some sort of Sex therapy? I guess sex therapy, like an AA. We were in some kind of anonymous. Yeah, like a sex addicts anonymous type scenario. But like legitimately, what the hell was that? They're just like telling bad jokes and roasting each other. Yes, they're just roasting each other. There's not therapy happening. I don't know who- no one's moderating. No, the moderator is like, well-
00:08:47
Speaker
You haven't said much. And it's like, well, that's because this doesn't appear to be doing any sort of real like opening and vulnerability and sharing. It seems like y'all are just giving each other one liners and and making fun of each other. And that doesn't feel like a safe place for me to express myself.
00:09:05
Speaker
yeah You need me there. OK, folks, everybody one at a time. Does anyone have anything misogynistic to say or a sick burn? hmm. Anybody have any sick friends? And go. and And no. Well, okay. We're going to clockwise.
00:09:22
Speaker
And I like that it gets to a guy who's like, oh yeah. The main, who ends up being the main character. Who's just saying like, oh no, I'm just here because my two other friends, both of his fucking friends are there that we see later at his barbecue. His whole friend group.
00:09:37
Speaker
They are shit, by the way. They are terrible people. he has bad friends. He himself... ah yeah All of them are bad. But, like, yes, the fact that it's like, oh, my friends dragged me to sexaholics anonymous or something to talk about the fact that i'm not getting laid but i'm not going to talk about the fact that i'm not getting laid because you are not safe people to tell this to and in fact when he does say that like no my marriage is fine i'm with you know my high school is sweetheart and we have two kids together uh the first thing someone says to him is it's because you're a bad lay it's like excuse me moderator
00:10:15
Speaker
i feel like but like could somebody step in me step in and be like that is not appropriate do you remember garrett what was the movie we were watching that had the really terrible therapist and the really terrible one yes and this is a worse therapy than that one in color of red color by night color red It doesn't matter.
00:10:38
Speaker
Point is well's show dong yeah Bruce Willis is dong. And that was a better therapy session with all of those absolute weirdos who all had different problems and could learn nothing from each other other than they were just going to bully one of them.
Character Analysis: Kathleen Turner and Anthony Perkins
00:10:54
Speaker
This is worse because it's just their dumb little jokes that they've been, i assume, workshopping their standup routine on ah women. am I right? Right.
00:11:08
Speaker
Women be shopping. Women be shopping. Dudes be wanting sex. I love my wife, but i'm I'm just, I don't want to lose her.
00:11:18
Speaker
Gay! yeah That is the vibe of this whole thing, which really sets the tone for the movie of, um, we don't know what the hell we're doing here.
00:11:32
Speaker
And it continues. The first half hour, it just feels like a fever dream because it goes from this. And you said this felt like an acting class, yes which the next scene where we meet ah Kathleen Turner playing a prostitute, we don't know that's what's happening. She is being a Miss America contestant. And I thought we were dropped into a play. Yes. I thought we were literally watching her monologue as a guy goes down on her and it's just like a dirty Broadway show. She was sitting on what looks like ah like a doctor's, like a barber's chair type thing, like one that leans back.
00:12:08
Speaker
Um... And ah she's she's got her legs spread and she's giving a speech about how she like, you know, what she wants to do ah once she becomes Miss Liberty. And there's a ah man's head right in between her legs, like perfectly positioned, but the head is not moving. So it does feel like you're right, Garrett, like you're watching a play um and that this is like a very provocative bit of staging. that this She's talking to me. She's talking directly to us, not to the person that is between her legs.
00:12:45
Speaker
And she starts talking about how she wants to to play the flute. um And then we get into a bit of flute-themed sexual roleplay, where she's talking about how she loves to play the flute. She likes to feel how smooth and firm the flute is in her hands.
00:13:08
Speaker
What's crazy is this might be the most sexual movie we've watched for the podcast But it's also not sexy.
00:13:21
Speaker
Like the movie itself is incredibly horny and sexual while not being enjoyable. You know what? like Yeah.
00:13:32
Speaker
That's a good way of putting it. And even she, like when she's um having the actual sex with her, ah her John, ah she is imagining Japanese woodcuts instead of like,
00:13:46
Speaker
like being in the moment and enjoying it. And you're like, okay, she doesn't need to enjoy it. It's her job. I probably would think about Japanese woodcuts while I'm at work sometimes, you know, it's not a big deal. um But and then you find out she has a full time day job as a fashion designer. She is so rich. There is a grand piano in her home.
00:14:11
Speaker
Why is she doing this job? She does not like. So I didn't know if I was an idiot and or just like spaced out in the first half hour or anywhere later, because it's not often that we learn real information about her. No, none. And we don't know the answer to this other than she just likes to get to be someone else. Right. Right.
00:14:34
Speaker
And but that's the thing is like, yeah you like to be someone else, but like. you have to have sex with them and then you look miserable after you've done it.
00:14:45
Speaker
You, you, as the second you are facing away from the man, ah your face looks like you've seen a dog die. So why do you do this? It's not for money. If you just want to pretend to be someone else for a while, have you heard of community theater? It's great.
00:15:03
Speaker
Might I recommend this, this group therapy session? Yeah.
00:15:10
Speaker
i So I guess we didn't even really say who the two, like two big actors in this Kathleen Turner and Anthony Perkins. Yes. Anthony Perkins, ah most famous as um what Norman Bates, right. From psycho from psycho whose son is out there making all them, all them horror movies right now. Yes. And yeah,
00:15:34
Speaker
He does a great job. She does a great job. And her character's prostitute name is China Blue. And um we see... ah Did we ever... I don't remember what on earth like the reverend street preacher Anthony Perkins' name was. I don't know that it ever even gets said.
00:15:55
Speaker
I don't know that we get it. And his it's funny. he It is a hell of a performance from Anthony Perkins. And... it admit Like his character really has me wondering about him too, because he ain't a preacher.
00:16:13
Speaker
yeah definitely just a crazy person. Yes. And his soapbox sermons are mostly just talking about. how we're all damned and we're all sinners with the fucking and the cum and the piss and the shit. And like, it's filthy. This movie is filthy. It is a constant state of somebody trying to shock me with the things they're saying.
00:16:37
Speaker
Not so much with the things they're doing. They really think they're going to get me there with the things that they're saying. um I do think we did watch the unrated cut, by the way, because I looked up.
00:16:49
Speaker
So this movie originally, Ken Russell made the, he directed the movie. He had done, he had done Tommy. he did altered States.
00:17:00
Speaker
He did the devils. he was nominated for an Oscar for women in love. Wow. So like acclaimed filmmaker, he originally made this movie and it was apparently,
00:17:13
Speaker
very much like so much more of just everything. And had to do a lot of cutting in to get it down from X to R. And it was to a point where they were going cut so much that they thought about like, well, you have Kathleen Turner, you're a big director. We might just try and reclaim the X rating and be like, this is the one you should come see.
00:17:34
Speaker
They initially, they eventually were talked out of it, but reading some of the things that are in the unrated cut, ah we did see them like things that were full cut out of the theatrical release we did see some of those scenes like some of the sex photos of like the the Japanese sex photos were not in the original oh but those are what really makes this this film unique there's one of ah ah the first one you see ah is ah ah just like she's having sex and then cut to this Japanese woodblock type image of a woman who is like kneeling in front of a man and the man's penis is almost as big as his torso like it is almost above his head and that's impressive
00:18:22
Speaker
so But you did get those. And then a scene that has... There are two moments in this movie that got legitimate big laughs out of me. And neither were supposed to be funny. Okay, go ahead.
00:18:34
Speaker
What was the first Well, I don't know should wait until we get to them, naturally. But the I'll just say like one of this a full scene was removed from the movie. And it was the cop scene that we did see.
00:18:46
Speaker
Oh! yeah There's a moment in that scene that made me laugh. But we'll get to... get to it. Alright, so we see, ah see how now I'm gonna want to keep saying Osgood Perkins, but it is not. it is his father, Anthony. Tony. Tony. So ah he is at a peep show that is the grimiest place I've ever seen. it was delightful. There's pans on the floor visible for you to like jerk into it. Jizzing in the condoms and dropping the condoms in the
00:19:20
Speaker
I don't know. i don't know. or is it just like meant to be a splash zone type of deal? It was a horror show. It's this woman danced and you can see the other men as you look It's like you everybody wanted. And like they have to open a little door to be like, what do you want? And then you say what you want and they're like, okay, you can come in or you can't.
00:19:43
Speaker
m This is like eight dudes basically making eye contact while woman dances three feet in front of them. Very bored woman dancing naked in front of them. And then he runs out to go. yeah Hate that for her.
Exploring Characters' Motivations and Movie's Satirical Intent
00:19:58
Speaker
He runs out to go be a street preacher and cry like you do.
00:20:02
Speaker
He did jerk off though and did poppers. I'm not making that up. He's doing drugs, watching her, comes and then goes outside to repent. Yes. Which that's what we all do, right? Right. That's the way.
00:20:15
Speaker
That's the way that they taught you to do it in Catholic school. Ask for for forgiveness, not permission. Absolutely. And then we have a ah classic meet cute between our street preacher and our prostitute, which is, ah you, victim of the night. Yes.
00:20:31
Speaker
yeah Love that as a meet cute. don't you Don't I do. i I got to throw this out there too. Kathleen Turner in this movie in her like blonde white, like platinum blonde, like whitish hair wig.
00:20:47
Speaker
i did a meet and greet with Carly Rae Jepsen once. She had basically the exact same hair.
00:20:53
Speaker
And was wearing pink like leather clothes. So I felt sad for Carly Rae Jepsen in this movie that she was not in. But yeah. ah Yeah, and he's like, haven't I seen you somewhere before? And she says, I never forget a face, especially when I've sat on it.
00:21:09
Speaker
This is the type of dialogue. The whole thing is like this. And you get the you get to see her with ah another John later. You get the vibe that she is just making shit up with every different man that she thinks will ah appeal to them. She's got like a Jersey accent with one. And she's pretending that her dad abused her, but rolling her eyes ah the you know when he's not looking.
00:21:36
Speaker
Every John encounter is a full role play a scenario where like perhaps you feel she might be in peril the way it's shot. But then you find out it's just a rape fantasy for this disgusting man. does she's got like uh she's got a lot of costumes she's got a lot of angles she can do she's got her Miss Liberty thing she has her uh rape scene she has uh an airline uh attendant uh sort of thing that she does she's got a whole whole set of of little roles to play oh yeah the nun that was fun fun nun
00:22:20
Speaker
um And she hates all of them, but as far as I can tell. She looks super miserable. And she doesn't need the money. She puts gum in a $10 bill when so it is given to her. So she obviously does not need the money.
00:22:35
Speaker
And so it really would have been nice if the movie gave even a little bit of a shit about women enough to care why she does this and to like... look into her history and have her become vulnerable. But this movie is not interested in talking about women or complicated, like emotional interior lives that they might have. Instead, this movie wants us to feel bad for the guy who cheats on his wife with a hooker, falls in love with the hooker, and then briefly has to juggle both the hooker and his wife.
00:23:07
Speaker
And this is our hero that we are supposed to feel bad for throughout the film. And I don't know why. i don't. It's funny. The guy who got the role beat out Patrick Swayze and Alec Baldwin. That's insane.
00:23:26
Speaker
That's insane. Patrick Swayze could have been in this film. But this guy did better at the audition. All right. If you say so. he was He was fine. I honestly didn't have a problem with anyone's acting in the movie. It's a more of an issue with the dialogue in the movie. The movie is written poorly. And so this guy's name is Bobby and he's ah he's got a wife. annie pots Yeah, he's got a gorgeous wife. and ah But you know how women be.
00:23:58
Speaker
What do women be, Garrett? they If they ain't shopping, they be tripping. so she's like why don't you fire your employee who has a wife and kid to support so that we can have more money to have a hot tub and our kid needs braces and that's expensive and he's like it's fine we'll figure it out nag nag nag the craziest shit get a break In this movie, because I do, I love Annie Potts. I'm going to say up top, ruin my life for Annie Potts. Annie Potts has to be the original Aubrey Plaza, right? Like, I think any role ah Annie Potts did at any point, Aubrey Plaza was,
00:24:40
Speaker
could do in a remake or yeah she also has the exact same haircut that my mom had in the eighties. Um, it's, it's a perfect, uh, recreation, ah just a little lighter in color. Um, so yeah, she's got this perfect suburban looking house and, uh, it's never enough for her. It's never enough. Why'd you, you should have gone into a real business instead of home electronics, which seems like a, be a pretty good business, but what the hell do I know?
00:25:09
Speaker
um his part-time job is underexplained. Yes. But a may i this is one of the funniest things to me is that his part-time job, which I assume he has no qualifications for. None whatsoever. He is suddenly a private investigator. Yes. See, his the store that he owns is a personal electronics store that specializes in home security.
00:25:40
Speaker
type equipment and apparently that makes him qualified to basically be a private investigator um so that maybe he he does this so that he can pick up some extra cash so that maybe his wife won't hate him so much and maybe he'll get laid more often so then we briefly watch a music video garrett why why have in the middle of this conversation they were having did he they start watching a music video about how marriage is is death and there's skeletons that are dressed up in a bridal wear. Garrett, what is this movie?
00:26:15
Speaker
Does it make sense to you, though, that in the first half hour of this movie that I would text you to say, I don't know if we can do this movie? but Yes. Yes, it does.
00:26:28
Speaker
Because it seems like it's too surreal or something, but it isn't. No. like this I think this movie thinks it's some sort of David Lynch thing. Yes.
Analysis of Bobby's Role and Absurd Movie Elements
00:26:40
Speaker
It thinks it's real clever. Yes, it thinks if you cut to a Japanese woodblock print in the middle of a sex scene with an even more sexy woodblock that you have made daring avant-garde art.
00:26:58
Speaker
But you haven't. My theory, because when all I knew about this movie is if you look it up on IMDb, the first genre listed is dark comedy. No. And I have a theory that this movie, I mean, I tried to look this up online. I couldn't find that this to actually be the case.
00:27:17
Speaker
But it seems that this movie was so poorly received when it came out. Not like a full like failure or anything. It did make some money. But poorly received enough that you say it's supposed to be like this.
00:27:34
Speaker
I can see someone having made this thinking that they were making like this is satirizing American ideas about sex and ah you know like it's got a very arched brow throughout the entire thing it feels the whole thing feels very condescending and so maybe it was supposed to be funny in that and that they thought that they were I don't know, man. I don't know. But like reading what Anthony Perkins said about this movie, he really liked the script and was really excited to do it. And you can tell he's excited because he's doing something in this movie. He's doing the Lord's work, pun intended, considering he's fake street creature. I mean, he brings his A game. 100%. And he does. yeah The thing is, I don't think he was looking that hard at all the dialogue everyone else had to see how bad the movie really was, because for his part, he plays it perfectly to a t He doesn't need anything else, but there is no like good structure of a movie around him.
00:28:40
Speaker
Yeah, though. Now where we are, where our our our buddies a PI. He goes to this, what is it, like a sports ah like sportswear company?
00:28:52
Speaker
Yes. find This is where we find out that our our lead lady is a fashion designer for this company. And this company needs her investigated because they think she's stealing their designs and selling them to the competition. Industrial espionage.
00:29:10
Speaker
And the reason they think it's her is because she's a competent, hardworking lady. Mm-hmm. Nothing say more. Nothing. it that They're like, she's ah not got a husband. We think she's divorced. She lives alone and she works very hard.
00:29:26
Speaker
And therefore... She must be up to up to something. And like, she hates anyone with a dick. Yeah. Fucking get in line. No shit. I would too. If my boss said things like, i don't trust anyone who works that hard. Hey buddy, I think I found the real reason why your business is in trouble and it isn't spying employees stealing your designs it's because apparently you fire everyone who works too hard and you won't entrust the people who are lazy he's like and there's no reason she would be working this hard because i pay her half of what i pay everyone else
00:30:08
Speaker
It can't be that she knows that she's in an industry where she has to work harder in order to, you know, get, yeah you know, the same or less, you know, exposure as everyone else. Like it can't possibly because she wants to prove herself in the workforce. Why would a woman do that?
00:30:29
Speaker
If I knew that that's what now that we know, that's what her boss is like. Of course, she's hooking at night. Yes, this is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the fact that like when we get to see him do his P.I. work and you immediately realize, oh, he has no previous experience. There's no way he's qualified. He's first thing we see him do is just futzing with his fucking gun, counting the bullets inside of it like a yeah fucking idiot who just got handed a gun for the first time. Yep. Probably never fired one. And then once he's tailing her back to her house, he's sitting out there long enough that he has to piss and he goes and pisses on the side of her house and misses her coming and out of the house.
00:31:10
Speaker
Yes. is it a way that Can't possibly be her house from the interior. She clearly lives in an apartment. Yeah. Well, whatever. yeah And then he tails her so closely that there is no way that no one noticed that he was behind. He is right behind them.
00:31:27
Speaker
and Shout out to anyone who's watching the new Strangers movies. Close tailing in Strangers chapter three is something to behold. Sorry. So ah he sees that she is on a, how would you describe the street where she hooks Garrett?
00:31:45
Speaker
This looks like Hollywood Boulevard or like, I don't know, just like sex stores. It's like, it's where I would assume you would go to find a prostitute. Yeah. So he sees her there. She's wearing a wig and a blue dress. And he pulls out the most inconspicuous handheld camera that 1984 had to offer. Super 8, just giant, like. It's huge.
00:32:11
Speaker
Openly just filming her from the window of his car. It's amazing. it He sees that she's chatting up the reverend and for whatever reason, and this is really the truly the moment of like ruining your life.
00:32:29
Speaker
um She chooses to let the reverend into her place. Why? 50 bucks is 50 bucks. She doesn't need 50 bucks. She doesn't need 50 bucks kid She doesn't need 50 She doesn't need the 100 She doesn't need 10 This is a level This man is clearly deranged And when he comes in Like you get a whole bunch of only clearly deranged Clearly dangerous too Like he's got all the signs Of someone who could snap at any moment And start stabbing a hooker
00:33:02
Speaker
But before all that, you get a whole bunch of funny church jokes like, I've been with a reverend before. I chased them all around the church until I caught them by the organ. Fuck you.
00:33:13
Speaker
It's so much. I hate you. Not her The writer. Yeah. And he pulls out a bag and she's like, what's in the bag? And the bag is um a titty pacifier.
00:33:28
Speaker
ah foam rubber pussy um that does vibrate. ah Auto suck. Auto sucker that also swallows. actually... The fact that the auto blow doesn't sponsor this podcast. Right. Really? you seen the auto blow? like the size of an Xbox. Garrett, why would I have seen this?
00:33:47
Speaker
No one's going to advertise that to me. I guess you don't listen to podcasts that offer up. ah You don't listen incel podcasts that need a PlayStation that'll suck you. Don't. I don't do that. We're the right podcast to promote that. um um Send me one. I'll promote it. Oh, God.
00:34:08
Speaker
All right. yeah We've also got, don't forget, Garrett, the beat me, eat me licorice whip, which you can. it's I'd buy that now. ah Right. It looks like a great deal of fun. You you whip them and then you can just eat it because it's it's basically like the Twizzlers pull and peel.
00:34:26
Speaker
That might be the only thing in this movie I was presented with that didn't upset me. They were like, w yeah, yeah, that checks out. I'd have that. I'd have that. And then the gigantic, terrifying, stabby vibrator that is ah enormous.
00:34:43
Speaker
weirdly sharp metallic let's discuss the sharpness of this thing kit i think let's just go ahead and discuss the name of this dildo uh knife is superman and it is used as a very sharp object for the rest of the movie multiple times it it is weird we cut we need i don't know is the tip the blade is it just that like a ribbed edge it didn't seem like it had either of those things It didn't scare me that much. And it didn't scare her either, where she's like, what are you going to do? Fuck somebody to death with this? And he's like, maybe when i find the right woman, yes, I would like to fuck someone to death with this.
00:35:27
Speaker
Here's the thing, though. It's big and it's metallic and it's apparently sharp. You have seen worse. I don't know you, dear listener, but you've seen worse seen worse. And so the fact that she kicks him out after he after she sees that he has this is odd. Although maybe she's not kicking him out because of it, but because he was like, yes, I would like to fuck someone to death with this.
00:35:53
Speaker
That actually does seem like a good reason to kick someone out of your out of your sex den. I can't emphasize enough to the listener how not sharp this item looks. It doesn't look sharp.
00:36:07
Speaker
And how like butter it cuts through rope later in the movie. It really does. One cut barely touches. it is a fucking, it's like it's a lightsaber on the end of it. It is just like a perfect. It's one of those like Japanese chef's s knives. It's just.
00:36:26
Speaker
I couldn't get over that. I don't know why or how. um And so this is when our hero decides to bust into her house and look around. He looks at the her collection of ah costumes and lingerie and Japanese woodcuts.
00:36:41
Speaker
And um that's it. ah That's what we got. And I
00:36:50
Speaker
I don't know, man. and The movie then decides it's like it shows her sleeping and looking sad and then cuts to his wife laying in bed looking sad. And it's like, ah, yes, all women do hate men and are miserable.
00:37:07
Speaker
And ah the only difference is, is it long term or short term prostitution? are you Are you marrying him for his money? Or are you just going to take it on the nightstand?
00:37:19
Speaker
That's the only difference in this movie's mind.
00:37:26
Speaker
Wow. And as much as the movie wants to make you think that like true love saves this woman because she doesn't want to hook anymore at the end, she's like, I found the man I can be vulnerable with. ah She doesn't tell him anything about her life.
00:37:43
Speaker
I don't... there's There's nothing here that implies that. And why would he be any better or any different than any other man? And why would he not be able to be that man for his wife? There's there's no reason behind it. It is pure male fantasy.
00:38:01
Speaker
We also don't really understand why she falls in love with him. This singular sex scene where he's like, don't tell me you didn't feel that too when I was giving you that weird wheelbarrow the super sex position. And no one else has done before.
00:38:21
Speaker
Yeah, it's... I like, though, that we eventually, we do see that she did not steal the designs or whatever. They're just like, hey, there's another guy. yeah, yeah. But he's like, better go still follow this prostitute. Hilariously, presumably this guy got paid for doing nothing because apparently the man who was actually doing the corporate espionage ah confessed on his own.
00:38:45
Speaker
Just, like, felt bad and confessed. And so, like, well... mystery solved glad we didn't waste too much time on that and the boss is like well i mean did you learn anything and he's like nope sure didn't but what's funny is that such a quick scene though that i almost forgot that it had happened and i thought he was still on the clock fucking this hooker No, no, he does this for fun. he Instead of ratting her out to her boss, he goes and he gets ah sex and quaaludes.
00:39:24
Speaker
so She fills them with quaaludes. And honestly, at this point, I think I had just like zoned out of that, the admission, like him finding out that she's not there. I just like, this is a business expense. Absolutely. I'm going to to expense these yeah get each to billable hours. These billable quaaludes.
00:39:45
Speaker
And then it had me, I just saw Wuthering Heights and and I won't deny that Jacob Elordi isn't hot. He is a very hot man. i only associate him as Frankenstein now though. So you didn't see salt burn?
00:40:03
Speaker
No, I never did. it kept meaning to get around to it. Honestly, we could do that for the podcast probably. Probably. um But he's a he's acting alongside Margot Robbie. And it made me realize that Margot Robbie is just like, i think physically, probably one of the most perfect people that's ever existed on planet Earth. There's a reason she plays Barbie, right? Like, yeah.
00:40:32
Speaker
I realized like, you know, like i Tanya, she's getting the shit beat out of her. And like, it's like a weird thing. They, she's with Joker for one of those movies and the other Harley Quinn movie Joker's not even it. It's just her thing. Barbie. She doesn't have a love interest. Ken's just Ken.
00:40:48
Speaker
she can't have a romantic lead because in my mind and heart, no one's good enough
Tonal Shifts: Comedy and Raunchy Scenes
00:40:54
Speaker
for her. Why is she down? Like she had anyone she's with is, is a downgrade. Yeah. yeah and And yeah, either way in that movie, Jacob Elordi licks her face and tongue a lot.
00:41:08
Speaker
And I thought like, it is insane that he was given money to be in this movie. Like, he should have had You got You should have to pay them.
00:41:21
Speaker
You should have to pay Margo. Not that he's not good, but, like, you actually owe us money. Yeah. Because I have to watch you do that.
00:41:33
Speaker
And you didn't deserve that. I'm not saying, like, I deserve it or want it. No. I don't deserve it either. But I also wouldn't make anyone pay to watch me do it. And I don't know who does. Like, i was like, who's my favorite, who's my favorite boy actor?
00:41:46
Speaker
Rob Pattinson. Even he's not good enough. No, absolutely not. No. All right. Sorry. Back to the movie. That was just some thoughts I had on Wuthering Heights. so you know, they do the silhouette of them in like five different positions. So long. Brom has some serious stamina for someone who was just saying that he hadn't gotten laid in possibly years. Years. Years. Where did this come from?
00:42:15
Speaker
Where did this come from? This guy sucked nipples for so long before all these. He would have come in his pants during the nipple sucking. You know, maybe he did. and then no grass Maybe he did bust as soon as he licked a nipple. And then, ah you know, like the refractory period had time to pass while he was licking nipples. And that's why he did it for 45 minutes. Yeah, he had to really like let to give a chance to cycle back up.
00:42:44
Speaker
yes Oh my God. He sucks on her big toe. No, she sucks on his big toe. She sucks on his. That almost made me throw I mean, I was like, I don't like that I'm watching this, but at least he has the nice enough feet. There were, it could have been worse feet is the best. Those toenails were trimmed very low. And I assumed that was for her sake. For her safety.
00:43:10
Speaker
Yeah. That's an OSHA requirement, Karen.
00:43:15
Speaker
You got to take this shit seriously. Feet are not my thing. And especially like just watching a dude foot and just like, once again, at this point, it's not like, i yes, I feel bad watching in movies about prostitutes.
00:43:30
Speaker
I felt bad having to watch Kathleen Turner do that. it's not like we got, she got a stunt person to come in and suck oh She had to do it. And that guy had to just sit there. Like once again, he's got paid that day.
00:43:42
Speaker
yeah In the movie and in real life. No, I guess he was off the clock. Also, I want to point out that the music that's playing during this sex scene is um very much... Okay, so close your eyes and picture with me um a scene from an eighty s fantasy adventure film and there's like elves galloping through a meadow on their beautiful white ponies and then like for no reason because this is the 80s like a synth version of fantasy elvy music is playing in the background that is the exact music that is playing during this scene the scores were pretty nice
00:44:24
Speaker
This one was a weird choice. This one weird. saying that they were all fit where they were supposed to go, but I'm saying they all weld they were nice. And then he leaves behind a secret camera, which you'd think would be important.
00:44:37
Speaker
um It's not. It absolutely isn't. It does not come back. It is not relevant to the plot. I don't know why anyone wasted my time. They even cut back to it a second time later in the movie, and it's still not relevant.
00:44:51
Speaker
But also in this scene, we find out that Anthony Perkins has this peephole, right? Yeah. Is that a peep? What? Yeah, that's a... Wait, I think you're talking... I think that he's just a peephole on the other side of the wall. Oh! I misunderstood what that hole was then. I thought it was a camera lens.
00:45:11
Speaker
See, that's what I thought at first, but then he's like against the wall at one point, jerking a dildo off and just drawing nonsense while looking in that hole. thought he just did that in the privacy of his own home.
00:45:23
Speaker
Because I'm a little confused. I feel like some of the stuff that might have gotten cut in this was violence as well, because I believe he murders the peep show girl.
00:45:34
Speaker
It's not clear. it he It's either that he is stabbing a sex doll and pretending it's the peep show stripper, or he's stabbing a stripper and pretending it's a sex doll. And it is completely unclear which one it is because it is cutting between the two of him stabbing a blow-up doll and him stabbing a lady.
00:45:57
Speaker
And you have no idea which one is which. Like, which one actually happened. He might not kill anyone in this movie. He might not. It's impossible to know.
00:46:10
Speaker
he And I get it. You're like in his mind, they're the same thing. She's basically a blow up sex doll. And it's like, yeah, but I also need to know for the sake of knowing how scared I should be of this dude, if he's actually killed a person already or not.
00:46:26
Speaker
Movie. Hider in the house was so much better than this.
00:46:35
Speaker
Way better title. Way better. Yeah. Yeah. This had no at all. Okay. I'm like so getting kind of mad talking about this movie. Mm-hmm. It's okay. Let's keep going. And then she like starts arguing with ah our boy to over nothing. She's just like mad for no reason. And it's, well, this is her post-sex rage, sadness. Yeah. And this time it's, it's more like, cause, cause she, they felt a connection and she wants to deny it, but she can't deny it. Cause that connection is so strong. That's like, what connection that he can do the weird wheelbarrow pose?
00:47:14
Speaker
I mean, it looked fun from behind that and that silhouette. like it is But it also still looked performative for her. Like, the way she's holding her legs is deliberately very sexy. Like, it's not like, oh, this man fucks her so good that she forgets to be a prostitute for a while and is just, like, enjoying herself. Like, that's not the vibe.
00:47:36
Speaker
i think just the amount of kissing, maybe. They kiss a lot. Me too. There's a lot of kissing. Well, he has to do something to try to stop himself from coming already. Garrett, you gotta, you gotta add in a little bit of pauses. in kiss and shouldn't like what like I'm picturing kissing dumb delaise yeah he' picturing kissing his wife, his nagging wife.
00:48:05
Speaker
He wants to have sex with his wife. He loves her. he he wants her back. He's trying, he gets a PI job to get a hot tub for her. Yeah, that's true. And braces for the kid. One of those things is um way more important than the other, but the movie treats them identically. Yeah. well um you know so she she then She doesn't want to see the Reverend tonight, ah but she does anyway, for no good reason, because she doesn't need the money and she hates him.
00:48:35
Speaker
And she starts being a screaming sexy nun, and it's clear she's lost whatever few marbles she had. Yeah. we get more terrible dialogue like head of your class or is it the class of your head? oh my God. hate it And when she's trying to get rid of the reverend, uh, he starts to fight her and our boy Bobby tries to pull him off, but then gets sucker punched for his trouble.
00:49:07
Speaker
i don't like At what point do we get to the part where it's cutting between the most annoying barbecue I've ever been to and her in a threesome with two business people? That's the next one is that she, she's ah like invited in for a threesome to sit between two businessy people who, by the way, look like they came not from a business meeting, but a funeral. Right. Because the wife is wearing a black veil with her business suit, um which it gives the the thing a whole different vibe if they came from a funeral. The point is, they want to talk about business-y stuff still while they're like playing with their nipples because they've gotten themselves a prostitute.
00:49:54
Speaker
Eating strawberries and drinking champagne while two like waspy business husband and wife or something are just sucking her tits. Yes. And talking about whether like it's okay that so-and-so is dating a Jew now because what we can we can we bring them to the country club?
00:50:14
Speaker
And that doesn't bother her. But when um the business guy licks her ear and the wife is like, that's gross. Yeah. you don't know where this woman's been. and I'm like, what? So her vagina is okay, but her ear is too gross. Like, I don't know what, whatever. She gets offended and is like, let me out. And then yes, we get to meet the great HP at the barbecue i just work as we're in between this Garrett, would you care to explain this barbecue and the great HP?
00:50:48
Speaker
Him and his friends are annoying. He at one point pretends a sausage is his penis, has mustard on the end, shakes it around and rubs it on Annie Potts, who has visibly hated him this whole movie. The whole movie.
00:51:01
Speaker
And earlier in the movie, when she's watching the skeleton music video, yeah he says, at the barbecue, should I do the magic show for everyone for a laugh?
00:51:14
Speaker
And she looks like, don't do this. So he has a different idea. His idea is to connect two basketballs a basketball to each leg that's inside of like pantyhose or a sock and be a flaccid penis turning erect. And then basically like John Belushi cottage cheese out of his mouth to come or whatever he does. Yeah. He's in, he's got basketballs around his ankles. He's got shorts and a shower cap to give the right, you know, little mushroomy head and then a mouthful of milk. And he does this, this elaborate thing.
00:51:54
Speaker
um some might call it performance art. It's a performance. Of him like starting off small and then growing bigger and then once he reaches his fully erect position a spitting milk into the air as if it were ejaculate. And is she hates it.
00:52:14
Speaker
His dumbass buddies love it though. They're like, the great HP, which does stand for not Harry Potter, but Human hair penis. Oh, he's the human penis. He's the great human penis. um And that night um in bed, they he discovers she's literally hated sex with him the entire time.
00:52:38
Speaker
All, what, like 11 years of marriage, she has hated yeah all of it. And I'm like, why are you so mad, lady?
00:52:49
Speaker
what why are you you You must have known when you married him that he was the guy who does the great human penis. And you hate his jokes. You hate his friends. You hate his job.
00:53:02
Speaker
You hate everything about him, including sex with him. Like, why are you here?
00:53:12
Speaker
There's no reason. They're anchors. I guess. Can tell you one I we're about to, it this one skips ahead. my My two favorite funny parts. One does involve the kids.
00:53:24
Speaker
They basically are getting a divorce. Yeah. They're like, but mommy and daddy are taking some time apart. kid i laughed so goddamn hard how he tells his son that they're getting a divorce same same why i laughed so hard therapy forever for this kid because daddy shows up during recess at school 90 seconds at a through a chain link fence yep a ice cream after school says not at home with his wife the kid comes over and through this little chain link fence says dad mom says you moved out you didn't even have this conversation with your kids you just left in the middle of the night and then mom explained that dad has left this is grade a 80s parenting at its absolute peak
00:54:18
Speaker
It's perfection. Oh, and by the way, he has two kids. He tells this kid, be nice to your sister. So presumably he's not talking to his daughter at all.
00:54:31
Speaker
He just told the one kid that like, yeah, your mom listen, I'll always be your dad, but your mom and I, we're not going to be together anymore.
00:54:44
Speaker
I let it's so insane. Like, and this is one of those things that even if this is a dark comedy, that's a moment that wasn't on purpose. Yeah. No, but I laughed. that is I laughed. like And now we're going to get to the other scene because as it's cutting between the barbecue and him being human penis hu is the craziest scene in this movie that is, I'm going to call it right now, just describing this scene will get a shadow band on YouTube again.
00:55:18
Speaker
Probably. Probably. So at first she has a creepy scene in what may be the exact elevator from... um God, what what movie was it that had this exact industrial warehouse-style elevator? Total Attraction. Yes.
00:55:34
Speaker
Yes, it is that elevator. um Only this time it's filled with horrible mannequins and... the The creepy street preacher, Anthony Perkins, puts the the scary vibe in the hand of one of the mannequins to menace her. And this is while she's dressed in her normal clothes without her wig. So it's clear that he has tracked her down. And it's buzzing. So she's not having a good day.
00:55:59
Speaker
And she decides she still wants to go out hooking tonight, even though this is all very scary. And this just happened. You'd think this would be the time when I would stay home. and not go out hooking that night, but instead maybe change my
Tender Moments vs. Crude Content
00:56:13
Speaker
locks, ah like call up a real estate agent to to move to a different city, because this is bad.
00:56:22
Speaker
ah But she needs to go out hooking tonight so that she can top a cop and think about police brutality while she shoves a nightstick in his asshole.
00:56:35
Speaker
Kit. She needed that for her mental health. Do we know this is actually a cop or is this part of the fantasy? I don't know that we know this. I don't know that we know this.
00:56:46
Speaker
Which makes it funnier. Yes. Because like she has the rape scene where she's like running through an alley and someone's chasing her. So we think she's in trouble, but this starts with a cop coming out of an alleyway and just billing a billy clubbing a guy in the head on the street. Yes. yeah And I don't know.
00:57:04
Speaker
Yes. it if that was part of his sex fantasy is this poor bastard who's just walking home gets fucking whacked because so that this guy can get a boner upstairs. Yes. That's really funny. That's an, um and you you know, maybe he paid that guy too. That was part of it.
00:57:24
Speaker
The whole thing is like a make a wish type thing where like they got the whole town in on it. Everybody's going to pretend he's a cop and let him police brutality them so that he can get off.
00:57:36
Speaker
Jerry, I'm going to need you to stand right here. You're not going to see me coming. I'm going to come out of complete darkness and just wallop you in the head. Yes, but I will i give you rock hard and I'm going to be so hard. Here's 10 bucks.
00:57:50
Speaker
Yeah.
00:57:53
Speaker
But what's to come? It's wild. This whole scene was cut from the original movie. I can see why. Well, they're just like, she handcuffs him to the bed and is having sex with him normally. bleeding. This is not normal handcuff sex or or handcuff sex that we've seen in other movies because there is copious blood, copious amount of blood coming from his wrists. Yeah.
00:58:19
Speaker
But she's riding him normal. And here's the thing. She does shove that billy club up his b-hole. Uh-huh. He didn't ask for this. I don't know that he didn't. You don't know that he didn't.
00:58:32
Speaker
Kit, the blood on his wrists as he... so I re-watched this. He might be into that. You don't know. you don't know what they signed a contract for beforehand. You don't know.
00:58:46
Speaker
I will tell you why I do know. And it is the next thing that made me laugh so hard. Okay. This was the hardest laugh I got in the entire movie. As she is shoving this up there, there's like a sheet over his face and he is screaming bloody murder. He never screams a safe word because I think every thought has left his head.
00:59:09
Speaker
And he is just trying to hulk his way through handcuffs. His wrists are bleeding. it sucks. Yeah. Her heels are digging into his legs, too, and that's bleeding.
00:59:21
Speaker
Nightmare. Nightmare. Hilarious. And again, we are cutting to, for no reason at all, let let black and red images of police brutality.
00:59:35
Speaker
Correct. And police kind misconduct. That is what is being cut to. that So presumably, since the other things were like what she's thinking about during sex, she's like, let me picture the l LA riots real quick so that I can properly... ACAP. ACAP.
00:59:51
Speaker
ACAP.
00:59:54
Speaker
Meanwhile, by the way, she also drills the billy club when it's not in his asshole. She is shoving it into his stomach and like grinding it around like it is she is churning butter in his organs. she is This guy is never going to be the same. But the thing that made me laugh is she unlocks his handcuffs and tells him...
01:00:17
Speaker
go wash up in the bathroom. And then like, there's a call back to it a joke about the soap that's in the bathroom. He leans forward and just spit straight in her face.
01:00:30
Speaker
He could have punched her because what she did to him was ruin the entire lower half of his body for potentially the rest of his life. That yeah there could be internal damages All he did was spit straight in her face and she earned every bit of that. Maybe that was part of it Maybe that was part of it. That's his version, Garrett, of aftercare.
01:00:59
Speaker
his That's his version. spitting straight into her eye. i had to pause it because I was laughing so hard. Because it was the most... That's such a calm response to the violence that just ravaged him. It insane.
01:01:15
Speaker
Yes, so because this ah reverend guy made her so uncomfortable, she had to take out her anger on men in this brutal fashion. And all he did ah is spit in her face. And I think we're supposed to feel bad for her in that moment and not the man who just had a nightstick shoved in his rectum.
01:01:44
Speaker
Possibly without scablet. I need to pay you a compliment because now I can't stop thinking about the imagery of that in there and the way she's cranking it around like a butter churn. Yeah. Because all that's going to leave you is like just, you're just, the whole lower half of you is a whole. It's broken. It's broken. You are so fucked. You're going to be pissing and shitting blood for weeks.
01:02:10
Speaker
You need to go to a doctor. There internal hemorrhaging in multiple places.
01:02:19
Speaker
Oh my God. the the the Amish stud Oh my God.
01:02:26
Speaker
oh my god like You are not underselling how violent and awful it is. And like, when you picture that his anger reaction to that, because his wrists are cut, his asshole pulled the sword. His bodily nose. All he knows how to do at this point is spit in her face. What do you mean?
01:02:53
Speaker
This made everything worth it up to get to this point. It really truly was. shit. So she then thinks about the the painting of Ophelia. She and T. Swift are on the same wavelength there.
01:03:09
Speaker
Hmm. And ah we do get another... We've also intercut then with um the the reverend street preacher. And this was when I noticed that in his little shrine to her, um which is beautifully detailed, there's some excellent work from the set people on his shrine to her. he put it ah He cut out a picture of an exact replica of her wig and put it on Jesus, like the stereotypical picture of Jesus. And that's on his wall of chaos.
01:03:46
Speaker
It's incredible. There's like ah a pornographic black and white photo that has a colorful band-aid put over where the genitalia would be. Like the wall is amazing.
01:03:58
Speaker
You say wall of chaos. I say dream board. Yes. The man has a Pinterest and this is what it is. It's just so insane that while he's watching everything that she does in this room, he is just jacking that dildo and just drawing with the other hand. He's like, want her to put that nightstick in my rectum and churn it like butter churn.
01:04:23
Speaker
Rectum hardly knew him. Yay! He doesn't, though. He doesn't want that. He, like, thinks he does. He doesn't. I think.
01:04:33
Speaker
I don't know what he thinks. He just preaches nonsense. Well, he's a very conflicted person, Garrett. You know, he doesn't know what he wants. He has perverse thoughts, but he feels a lot of religious guilt. So doesn't know what to do with it.
01:04:49
Speaker
Um, yeah. So her next trick is a woman who wants her to fuck her dying husband. Um... Get out of fucking town with this scene. What is this movie?
01:05:03
Speaker
This is, it's this that is like, this isn't a comedy. This isn't a comedy. Someone's trying for real pathos here by having her hug a dying man who is crying about the fact that he's dying and he loves his wife and she was willing to buy him a prostitute, but like,
01:05:22
Speaker
everything sucks and he he's miserable and he can't have sex with this prostitute because he loves his wife too much. And he's... dead Right? Like, if she tells him her real name and takes off her wig and like they they have a moment of true connection. She doesn't take the money and it's like, this is not... Kara, this can't possibly be a black comedy. No one intended for you to laugh at any of this. Someone thought they were, like, doing some deep shit here.
01:05:50
Speaker
But, you know... Now, here we are. This is my hider in the house moment. Okay. As I sit here and listen, like, I just sat through the butter churn scene. Yes, as we will now call it.
01:06:06
Speaker
how How do we have like a cool down? Like, it's like when you go to a wrestling show, you can't just do banger, banger, banger, banger. They can't all be the best match you saw that night. So they have to have a cool down match. Sure. What's the funniest way for me to cool down from a butter churn other than watching a prostitute have a tender moment with a dying man?
01:06:31
Speaker
Like, that's fucking crazy. That's crazy. Why did
Resolution of Bobby's Relationships
01:06:37
Speaker
they do this to us? Yeah, don't you remember when that was in Wedding Crashers, Garrett? They were like, too many jokes. Now we gotta have this scene where a hooker has a tender connecting moment with a dying man.
01:06:53
Speaker
But you need that so that you've had the come down that when Anthony Perkins dumps a jar of jizz onto her head then sings, come along, get happy, but on that hits harder.
01:07:08
Speaker
Yeah. So you know what? This movie might, oh fuck, here it comes. Is this movie perfect? Is this movie
01:07:18
Speaker
Is there a hider in the house? don't know I don't know. know. um So, ah Bobby, our main dude, comes to visit her at her home and is like...
01:07:34
Speaker
I'm breaking up with my wife um and we should be together. And she's like, no, I like hooking because I can be anyone I want. And I'm worried I'll disappoint you if I'm the real me.
01:07:49
Speaker
And it's like, wow, that's so deep. I wish we would talk more about that. Like, ah what is it that in your... past has made you hate yourself that much right like that's fascinating have you like what ah but no no shut up shut up this is about a man's redemptive arc because it's now time for him to go have more sex with her with like a flowy sheet silhouette and uh this is the part where my husband said so wait he cheats out his wife and gets out of the marriage as the victim yeah yeah really really like
01:08:26
Speaker
hey, if it's going to work out that way, and do you think the prostitute would stay with him if she knew that he broke up with his son at recess?
01:08:38
Speaker
Listen, she didn't want to have kids, so the fact that he will not be co-parenting at all is a pretty good thing for her, actually. He'd just as well have told that kid, hey, we'll all be a family again when the Angels win the pennant.
01:08:52
Speaker
Win the pennant!
01:08:59
Speaker
Goddamn. So yeah, they make beautiful love. And she's now thinking about Klimt paintings instead of ah erotic Japanese woodcuts and um ah or police brutality. So that's a good thing that we're supposed to take.
01:09:21
Speaker
from that. But his wife shows up at the shop and she wants to try again. And he's like, women, ah I give up. And she rightly says, women Are there others? Oopsie doopsie. And he's just like, he totally blazes past it. He's like, nah, it's just like, you can't make up your mind about anything. And why do you even want me back? And she has literally the worst reasons because whoever wrote this does not understand women at all.
01:09:49
Speaker
um Certainly doesn't didn't bother to try to flesh out this character. So she's like, I heard a noise last night and I thought someone was trying to break in He's like, I'll get you a new alarm system.
01:10:01
Speaker
She's like, its The bed is too big.
01:10:07
Speaker
With just me in it. And I don't think she means it as a metaphor, Garrett. I think she means it quite literally. Physically, this bed is too large. It doesn't fit in the room right. It it doesn't feel right.
01:10:20
Speaker
She doesn't have a good reason to want him back other than that the plot wants it so that he has a conflict for no reason. But I like all of the things he asks her first about, like, why are you mad? Like, is it the money?
01:10:37
Speaker
is it nuclear war? Why did you pour all the maple syrup on my pancakes? yeah What do you think? I'm some kind of machine that just needs to a hole to come in? Also, what kind of machine is that? That's the future that AI is going to make where they just need hole. We are the holes. Garrett, it's the auto suck. We already saw it.
01:10:58
Speaker
The auto suck just sucks. It doesn't need to put the come anywhere. ah yeah What machine means this? We learn that, like, she's... And we've sort of gotten this vibe that she may be asexual or deeply repressed or both because she's like, i don't like to talk about this.
01:11:17
Speaker
um You know, she... ah doesn't seem to to want to to have anything to do with anything sexual at all. She seems very deeply grossed out by even the concept of it. And apparently, after the first time they had sex, she asked him if he still respected her.
01:11:40
Speaker
And he's like, what? I thought that's why we did it. And it's like, ah, yes, the way that society treats women... something something you know lady in the streets uh whore in the street sheets or whatever it's like ah yeah this movie thinks it has something to say about women and sexuality it does not It absolutely does not. She is a nagging harpy shrew of a woman who only wants him back because she realized she's going to have to raise two kids entirely on her own.
01:12:10
Speaker
um And that this bro is not going to pay dime more than what the courts order him to. It's funny that my viewing of this...
01:12:25
Speaker
I like Annie Potts so much that I didn't process a lot of the nagging that I was like, yeah, there's problems. I deal with these though. I love her. o Yeah. I mean, I would too.
01:12:36
Speaker
ah But yeah, somehow he, this poor boy is the victim here as she's trying to win him back by, by making raunchy jokes of her own. Everybody says I'm making food that he likes and giving him a gift of his own clothing back to him.
01:12:56
Speaker
end this goddamn movie. i like Right. Finally, we get to the big climax. ah You know, the China Blue thinks that ah her her new boyfriend has shown back up because, you know, she was like, you're gonna go back to your wife. And he's like, I'm not going back to my wife. And again, we're supposed to think he is the good person here. He's he's our hero.
01:13:17
Speaker
I hate my kids. I hate my life. I hate my kids. I hate my wife. i hate life. I like was in your bush with a handgun. Yeah. And she's like, Bobby? And she you know pulls the door open with the chain still on. And instead, it is Anthony Perkins who screams out, last rights! And kicks the door in. Hits her square in the face. It's amazing!
01:13:42
Speaker
We're finally to the good part of this movie. This was this this this was the scene we worked hardest on. Yes, absolutely. That's such a good one-liner. He cuts the phone line with the vibrator. This magical katana vibrator.
01:13:57
Speaker
Just... It's a Hattori Hanzo vibrator.
01:14:04
Speaker
yeah The legend is true. We all thought that they didn't exist. ah ah ah he One left and Michael Madsen has it. Because she is a designer, she has like this drafting table, which he then like puts a rope around one hand to the drafting table, and the other one is secured with a rosary.
01:14:27
Speaker
Love that. Love it so much. It's good. It turns out the piano there is not just for show. we needed it. We needed this piano because he starts playing like some dirge like sort of churchy music and then it switches into come on get happy which he does with a manic glee.
01:14:50
Speaker
it's so good. It's so good. He's chewing this scenery like it's made out of taffy. He loves it so much. I live for performances like this. Yes. Yes. Like this Give it your all. horror movie... This could have been such a fun movie. Yes! Why was more of like this? we weren't focused on making sex jokes. Yes. It sucked. If it wasn't everyone trying to be Mae West all the time, then maybe you could have had more of this. And so then he cuts her loose with, again, this magical...
01:15:29
Speaker
like a magic wall more than it is a knife. It's like he taps the rope and it just splits. It's really some HP, some Harry Potter. You know those knives that they like ah trick college kids into selling door to door? yeah What if it was this instead?
01:15:47
Speaker
Does this, I think, cuts better, right? right You have a drawer full. Kit, also the vibrator, this is insane that this worked out so well.
01:15:59
Speaker
But there's moments of silence in this movie where the only thing you hear in the moment of silence is the vibrator buzzing in the background. Yes. is attached to the sharpest blade known to man.
01:16:13
Speaker
And there's something so awesome and menacing about that as the weapon, even though the weapon's goofy and shitty. It does not look like it. Yes. The buzzing is so good. It feels like the, the, my dad has an electric knife that he pulls out every Thanksgiving to cut the turkey. I would cut the turkey with this. You're right. Yes. Right? Sorry, go ahead. This is the perfect Thanksgiving. What? Do you get the man who already has everything? i know. So he he hands her the dildo and is like, you have to kill me because one of us has to die so the other can live.
01:16:47
Speaker
And why she doesn't plunge it immediately into him, I do not know. ah But she hesitates and he's like, too late. Too late. Yeah, she had... It really was like, i will give you two seconds to murder me.
01:17:03
Speaker
She should have driven that into his skull. Immediately. Especially since you've seen what this thing can do. It's, oh, I mean, at that moment, I looked at my, i looking at my notes, I just have, how sharp this thing is is wild. What?
01:17:21
Speaker
It looks plastic. It does. It looks like shit. It looks like it is sort of chrome-ish plastic, like chrome-painted plastic. What if the jizz he pours on her? I don't know, but he does pour a bottle of some sort of milky-ish liquid on her. There's no way it's not just jizz. So presumably every time he's been watching her...
01:17:44
Speaker
ah He has been jizzing in ah in a mason jar and he saved it up for a special occasion. Oh, the smell of that. oh So, okay.
01:17:55
Speaker
Finally. Finally. YouTube. Our hero. ah is You think that's what's going to do it? Not the butter churn? The smell of it. Like it was like until the word jizz was said like 12 times in 10, like in two minutes. And then like the smell of it. like, ah, get off on YouTube. Mr. Beast don't want you here.
01:18:15
Speaker
oh well. Fine by me. So ah we see that our our hero arrives just in time. He breaks the door in a second time.
01:18:27
Speaker
um Not with ease. Not with ease. Definitely not as as beautifully as Last Rites kaboom. Last Rites, bitch. That's like a Freddy Krueger line. That's so good.
01:18:41
Speaker
And so... ah He comes in and he sees a silhouette of like, it's dark and she's sitting there and the dress and the the wig. hair yep And he's looking for the bad guy, looking for the bad guy. We see the dildo being held up menacingly. And, you know, ah we think that the bad guy is going to stab him in the back, but no!
01:19:07
Speaker
into plunges it into ah in into ah Kathleen Turner. Yeah, and it but it's not her.
01:19:19
Speaker
They had switched clothes. the The person in the blue dress was Anthony Perkins. they He had forced her to switch clothes with him and then she had stabbed him with the dildo.
01:19:31
Speaker
This was not a surprise for me. I feel like, I i mean, it it, it just felt like that's what was going to happen. He comes by and like checks on her though. Like, because you're right. Your first instinct is that's a man in a dress. Like I've, I, I've seen through you movie. That's going to turn out to be the killer, but he walks over to her and like checks that she's okay. And then keeps walking past her, which means he did not notice.
01:19:59
Speaker
That this was Anthony Perkins in a dress instead of his girlfriend. So what does that say, though? because earlier in the movie, she because he keeps that like the the preacher keeps asking her, like, what's your name? Everybody the whole movie wants to know her name. And then she says China Blue or whatever. And then she says, well, who are you? And as he's leaving, he says, I'm you.
01:20:24
Speaker
Yeah. So then thinks they're the same person. They're the same. So then at the end, he's her. yeah He wanted himself. Well, one of us has to die so the other can live. It seems like if he was willing to once again, give her the dildo though, that, um, that she wasn't a really in any real danger.
01:20:47
Speaker
I'll just say I don't get what they're trying to tell me. No, but point is, I don't know if I'm willing to give it the thought to get there. now She stabs him to death with a dildo. All right. All all we should be so lucky, Garrett, that ah all of our movies could end with a dildo stabbing. And also, i don't know, you would think like this would ruin Bobby's life.
01:21:12
Speaker
No. so that You just witnessed like the most horror show shit you've ever seen in your life. You left your family. Your wife put too much syrup on your pancakes. Worst day ever. Worst day ever.
01:21:24
Speaker
But you're just good. You've got a new girlfriend. ye He goes back to sex therapy. like He goes back to group therapy purely to brag, Garrett.
01:21:36
Speaker
Purely to brag. you got to show those fucking dickheads at therapy the sickest burn you can, which is I found love and you fucking puds are sitting here. Just do you think they're the mean circle? There's certainly two other circles of people behind them. Can I switch to not the asshole? Can I get the one that doesn't have the the sick burns? I would prefer one.
01:22:01
Speaker
where people are nice to each other no he's like i've got a codependent trauma bonded relationship with a former hooker and you don't so fuck you and the the ending this movie thinks it's pretty cool Also, I want to point out that when he does tell his story, he says, there's nobody to blame about our marriage going wrong. It's just the way these things happen. I'm like, really? Really?
01:22:32
Speaker
Really? And he's like, so our marriage is over, and then I met this woman. You lying sack of shit. Oh, you're just gonna tell this story in whatever order makes you look good to a bunch of strangers. Oh, our marriage ended, there's no one to blame, and then I met this woman.
01:22:53
Speaker
Bullshit! And his last lines, like what I learned, it's okay to be scared. I felt stronger, freer, and more like a man than I've ever felt in my life.
01:23:09
Speaker
Then we fucked our brains out. Looks down the barrel of the camera and rock music starts playing. It's like it ended like Ferris Bueller or something. Yes! Yes, with him bragging about his new hooker wife, um, that... Nothing credit against like people who do sex
Mixed Feelings and Final Critiques
01:23:31
Speaker
work.
01:23:31
Speaker
um No. Absolutely not. This woman, though, um judging by the laughing nun bit and um the fact that she um made that man's intestines into jam, uh... may have some problems that she needs to deal with before she gets into a relationship. And that maybe um what you have here is not actually a healthy relationship, but instead a sort of sick codependency where you get to feel like you saved her. Which, by the way, we were making fun of the street preacher for wanting to do. But for some reason, when you do it, you're an actual good guy.
01:24:18
Speaker
Yes? i I don't know what to tell you about this movie. I don't, like, I actually don't think I even know if I like it still. I don't know where I'm at with this movie. It sucks. It's not a good movie. No, it's not. like But, you know, ah you gotta give some credit for the performance from Perkins, right? You got to give some, some credit for, uh, that last, that the scene with the come on, get happy. That's pretty great.
01:24:52
Speaker
It's not often than in the erotic thrillers that we get to praise that. Like, I think everybody was, did a sufficient job acting. Like I would say most performances were,
01:25:04
Speaker
like Anthony Perkins, I'd go great Kathleen Turner, I'd say she's great in this movie absolutely Everybody else, perfectly fine, perfectly good Serviceable Serviceable, like no no complaints really from anybody It's really the writing that ah that lets it down I don't even know if it's the tone It's just it's the attitude The movie has a bad attitude The movie has a bad attitude and it's so actively lowbrow that, which I don't normally like care. That's not like, yeah we know like lowbrow movies, but there's just something about this that seems not genuine. Yes. Not in the way that strip to kill felt genuinely lowbrow.
01:25:52
Speaker
Yes. i don't know. I kind of, I hate it. I think. That's fine. that Do you feel like you've sorted through some of your, but you love. you wait Well, I'm jealous though, because at the end of Hider in the House, you're like, I fucking love Hider in the House. And one of the first things you said was, i i was like, well, I really had fun with this movie. And you said, I couldn't disagree more. And then by the end, you're like, no, this fucking awesome. I wish I had that, but I don't have that.
01:26:21
Speaker
I think it's not, i I could still tell somebody this is worth watching, I think. at least that end scene super fun yeah the jam scene really caught me off guard and i can't stop laughing but like the spit in the face is what really got me that's such a appropriate response but not really like it's actually ah way too tame yes yeah no man could have uh been justified in doing a lot more than that
01:26:54
Speaker
This is a man who just billy clubbed a stranger in the street. And all he can do. Yeah, but that was part of the act, Garrett. That was all scripted. Do you think, though, that like she hit the button inside him while she was date rooting around in there with that club? Probably. And like he had the best orgasm of his life. At least he got one last one before he either bleeds out in the street or never walks again. Yes. Yeah, I do believe his like intestines may be falling out of his asshole right now based on what has been done to him. But yes, I do believe he came and he came better than he's ever come in his entire life. And that is why he only spits in her face instead of clubbing her to death.
01:27:43
Speaker
i'd be If I hadn't just jizzed a year's worth of ejaculate out of my body, i'd be really fucking mad at you right now. Now I need to go to the hospital.
01:27:57
Speaker
i Good day, madam. Good day. As he walks out, shoving his organs back inside him. oh no Oh, no. yeah Like, how is this movie somehow more upsetting to me than Necromancer? I don't know, but it is.
01:28:19
Speaker
I think it is, though. At least those guys had something to say, I think, and only gave us like an hour and 10 minutes of movie. That would be just like an hour 45.
01:28:31
Speaker
That first half hour is so disorienting. Yes, it is. It's a disorienting movie. I can only imagine it gives up on that. It does. It doesn't know how surreal it wants to be. It doesn't know how artsy it wants to be.
01:28:47
Speaker
It doesn't know how much it wants to be just another trashy erotic thriller and how much it wants to be art. It doesn't know it's corn fused.
01:29:00
Speaker
But Garrett scale one to five. Were you aroused? zero like Come on, those tits. You you you liked the tits. You saw them. You liked them.
01:29:12
Speaker
Yeah, but once again, like I said in the beginning, this is the most sexual movie we've watched, but the least sexy movie. Not the least sexy. Not the least sexy. There was the one that that that all of my juice filled fled back up inside me.
01:29:30
Speaker
So there's that. There was never moment, though, that my juices were... Nothing was happening with my juices. My juices remained stagnant. Yeah.
01:29:41
Speaker
I mean, I would give it a 1.5 if I'm feeling very generous because she's she looks good naked.
01:29:52
Speaker
She looks really good. I could just watch Body Heat. Yeah, of course you could. you should. Everybody was so sweaty in this movie, by the way. Yeah. We didn't really point out that everybody's body heat's sweaty in this film. Well, yeah. All the time.
01:30:06
Speaker
I don't know which city it's supposed to take place in, but... Your town, USA. Yeah, anywhere. Yeah. yeah yeah i Yeah, I mean, zero or one somewhere in there. it I did like the the topless dancer lady in the peep show, but I also have to look at eight of the scariest men I've ever seen as I jerk off. No, what nightmare is this? that not your thing? Is that not what does it for you, Garrett, to make heavy eye contact with another man through a tiny slit in a wall while you both watch the same dancing naked woman? Is that not your thing?
01:30:43
Speaker
Why does everybody look so insane in there? I guess because that's not a regular person place to go. I also want to point out it was very bright in that room, which just made it made making eye contact with the other people all the more easy to do in a way that in a strip club it is not.
01:31:02
Speaker
Also, the way that it blocked out the other folks, the door, I can see their shins and feet. yeah Yeah, like they're in a bathroom stall.
01:31:14
Speaker
I can see basically from their bottom lip to the top of their forehead. and you can see their little jizz pan at the bottom. That's awful. That place smells so bad. oh God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:31:28
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And that room looked like it was made of particle board. I want to say. And I'm supposed to think just because I saw breasts that like this room that smells like Texas Chainsaw Massacre like is sexy. and I'm back down to zero. Okay. The smell. This movie looks like it smells. garret What about all the sexy jokes that she made? ah All of the. No, that didn't. I didn't do it for you. I hated that everyone talked like that. It's like.
01:31:57
Speaker
So, you know, like everybody in a Rob Zombie movie talks very specifically filthy to a Rob Zombie movie. Yes. This movie has such a specific voice, but it's a really annoying one. Yeah.
01:32:10
Speaker
Yeah, it is Okay. All right. Were you thrilled?
01:32:17
Speaker
don't know. I was thrilled every time Anthony Perkins was on screen, chewing up that scenery, acting like a crazy person. But you like you we said, i don't know if anyone died. Like, was he a threat? She wasn't afraid of him when he pulls out knife. That's like point. But also, was it a knife? It didn't look sharp. It cuts through stuff, but she didn't gives it to her twice, you know? might be the only person that dies in this movie. I think the dancing lady is dead for real. I just know it. But can't confirm. We see her dead, but that maybe is a fantasy. Yeah. I don't know.
01:32:55
Speaker
I don't know. i don't know what to give this. I guess a two, but that also feels low because I laughed and during the podcast talking about it. did yeah There's always the thrills of watching a marriage dissolve.
01:33:11
Speaker
um There's that. and If that's really what you're going for, you didn't want to watch marriage story and you wanted to do this instead. That's what I have to do instead of billy club a guy first. I watch Marriage Story in its entirety I'm like,
01:33:27
Speaker
yeah Get my slot bucket ready. Get my slot bucket. um Yeah, no I feel like that's fair that it's not especially thrilling even though she is in peril multiple times. I'd give it a 1.5 or i think And are you going to ruin your life for China blue?
01:33:56
Speaker
No. You're going to stay home with Annie Potts and be happy. I will ruin my life with my nagging sexless wife. I love Annie Potts. I'll sit there and watch weird music videos with her. yeah Let her complain about the hot tub. Annie Potts. Yeah. I'm,
01:34:17
Speaker
i I find it hard to disagree, to be honest, because it's like, I feel like I could make it work with her. Right. I feel like with some counseling, like it seemed like she was ready to make it work.
01:34:28
Speaker
Yeah. He just tried weird.
01:34:34
Speaker
Yeah. it I don't know. I give it a go. I'm not I'm not going to give up yet. And plus, I don't want to go to the the ladies sex house. It's just in a part of town that scares me. Oh, you don't want to go, but it has a barber's chair you can fuck in. Is that not what you were looking for?
01:34:52
Speaker
The problem is, if I'm anyone in this movie, it's the guy getting billy clubbed. Because I'm just like looking for a pizza place that I heard is really good in that neighborhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the thing is there is a pizza joint right in this neighborhood that is ah the best and it's open until like four zero in the morning and ah you know you really wanted to give it a try and then jokes on you you got billy clubbed by a man who may not even be a real police officer may just be uh hyping himself up to go get laid by a prostitute don't know what happened it was either police brutality or just regular brutality
01:35:37
Speaker
Either way, once I woke up, that guy was holding all the organs in the back of his pants. Honestly, like if I have to pick a character here that I feel most like, yes, I can see myself in that position. That's a thing that could be me.
01:35:53
Speaker
It is the guy getting Billy clubbed. Is he the only sympathetic character in this entire movie? i don't know. The kids didn't do anything to deserve that level of shitty parenting.
01:36:07
Speaker
I would say the son, but I think the most sympathetic is the daughter who we didn't even see get told this information. Didn't even get told. And we thought it was bad in Hyder in the house when he didn't call for a week. We thought that was bad. At least they told those kids in person with both parents present what was going to happen.
01:36:30
Speaker
Michael McKean was a saint in that movie. Possibly winning father of the year.
01:36:39
Speaker
God damn it. Give that man a best dad ever. Number one dad mug. He earned Get him the best dad ever. And that cop man gets biggest hole ever. Well, it is now if it wasn't before.
01:36:57
Speaker
You thought you thought in cruising that we had seen the worst anal torture that we were going to see. But you were wrong. There's no way we will ever top it.
Closing Thoughts and Audience Engagement
01:37:09
Speaker
And I don't want to say that where somebody tap sends in ah an email, eroticthrillerclub at gmail.com, if you know of a movie with worse torture to a man's anus than this one. What?
01:37:20
Speaker
I don't know. Like it's, I guess I'm happy we ended up doing it because I was ready after the first half hour and sitting with it for a night. I was ready to back out of this one and pick something else. At the end of the day, I'm happy that this conversation happened. Absolutely. It was a joy.
01:37:38
Speaker
as per use. So yeah. ah Thanks for joining us, everybody. Garrett. Yeah, rate, review, subscribe, but comment, whatever, ring a bell. I don't know. EroticThrillerClub at gmail.com. Add EroticThrillerClub on Instagram. ah Hey, we love you.
01:37:57
Speaker
We want to shake you naked, meet you alive. Wish I could think of something to say about your hole, but just be nice. Don't turn anyone's um insides into um jam.
01:38:10
Speaker
That's my recommendation. And a good day to you, sir.