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Bitter Harvest (1993)
71 Plays1 month ago
This Week on the Erotic Thriller Club Stephen Baldwin plays a simple farmer with religious trauma that gets suckered into a threesome with two myserteous blondes that are after his pappy's confederate coin collection.
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Transcript
Welcome to The Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, your farming incinerator, and gather around your radio. It's time for this week's meeting of The Erotic Thriller Club.
00:00:24
Speaker
mysterious and dangerous and oh yes they've got all the sexiest movies out of the edges so if you're fatally attracted to the racier stuff erotic film club basically instinctively crazy and salacious erotic film club if you want a racy movie and you're too classy for smart
00:01:05
Speaker
What happens when a simple farmhand with religious sexual trauma suddenly has two mysterious hot blondes in his life? Do they work him into a threesome out of love? are they really after his dead pappy's confederate coin collection?
00:01:20
Speaker
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, Bitter Harvest.
Essential Questions of the Genre
00:01:25
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here.
00:01:31
Speaker
And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would i ruin my life for these blondes? Welcome back to the show, Kit. You were dearly missed. It's been so many weeks since we actually spoke.
00:01:48
Speaker
I know. I'm so glad to
Kit's Dog and Amish Prayers
00:01:50
Speaker
be back. And thank you, Garrett, for your Amish prayers, ah which in fact saved my dog's life.
00:01:59
Speaker
Insane miracle ah yes provided by Amish BJs. Yes, those Amish BJs brought Amish God, Jehovah? I don't know what the Amish call their God. I didn't watch the movie. God.
00:02:12
Speaker
but God ah brought him a little message that that it was like... Six days after my wedding, my dog was not feeling well. We had to take her to the vet, and they were like, yeah, your dog's gonna die. We're gonna give her some medicine as a Hail Mary over the weekend, but your ear dog's definitely dying on Tuesday. And Garrett was like, hey, Kit, you want to record on Tuesday? And I was like, ha, ha, ha, my dog's gonna die. No, ha, ha, ha. Folks, keep in mind, i wasn't aware of the dog piece of this information. So i don't want this to seem like I knew the dog was going to die. And also asked her to talk about Amish DJs.
00:02:58
Speaker
It was Halloween. um I didn't want to ruin everyone's Halloween fun by telling them that my dog was going to die. um And so we we just sort of kept it between me and my new husband.
00:03:11
Speaker
And our 17-year-old dog, my best friend that i ah has been with me for so long. Garrett knows my dog very well from back in the day.
00:03:24
Speaker
And... Miracle of miracles, those Amish BJs healed my dog. the The vet was so surprised. Listen, we had this thing. we I could show you, Garrett, we made little molds of her paw prints because we were like, my dog's gonna die. This will make a little keepsake.
00:03:46
Speaker
we We brought her to the vet with her two favorite stuffed animals because we thought she should have some friends with her. And then they were like, yeah, your dog's fine. she's She's healed herself.
00:04:00
Speaker
I've said it before and I'll say it again. in the post-post-apocalypse, hello there will be Cher, cockroaches, and Mika. That's my baby.
00:04:13
Speaker
She'll be eating them Twinkies. But yeah, that's my baby girl, Mika. ah Terrier mutt from the pounds. Nine lives. Maybe part cat. We don't know what's in her.
00:04:24
Speaker
Could be that that she's just used up one of her many, many lives. Happy she's still here. Same. Sad you couldn't sit in. Happy Chris was able to bring that to us. Thank you, Chris. And even happier to hear Mika survived. So...
00:04:43
Speaker
i I don't know. you got She got you a day off. That was her little wedding gift to you. It was a week off from watching dumb stuff. That is the worst gift this dog could have possibly given to me.
00:04:57
Speaker
So on brand for her, though. Super on brand As far as your wedding, though, I like I don't want to we don't have to go through your whole wedding, but there's a story from it I've been holding until we spoke on
Wedding Chaos: Falling Guests & Fights
00:05:11
Speaker
Mike. I assume your wedding night was very erotic. I wasn't there ah like after the wedding. i mean But I have the thriller part of it about a guest of yours. If you haven't already heard.
00:05:24
Speaker
Uh, do tell, Garrett. I've heard a number of stories. There were, in fact, three fires at my wedding, ah ah one of which, only one of which I saw in person, so I'm delighted to know that there's even more shenanigans happening. Do tell.
00:05:43
Speaker
Handsome Joe, Ashley's husband, and i were walking up a long flight of stairs. It was a long flight of stairs to get to the restrooms at your wedding. And as we're walking up, a man at the top of the stairs just falls forward.
00:05:57
Speaker
this is like ah This is a flight of like 30 stairs. And I jumped over and caught him. And like positioned him back up perfectly. And i was like, Hey, you good. And he really just like, he was clearly very drunk, but like shrugged me off. Like, fuck you. And like, I looked at Joe and we were both like, you just saved his life. That man would be in a ambulance right now. If he just went head first down 30 stairs. Yeah.
00:06:29
Speaker
Didn't think there an elevator. He could have taken the elevator, but We're outside and I see Alan walking very fast and yelling at somebody.
00:06:40
Speaker
um And then I find that he is out in the street screaming at somebody as a stranger is screaming at this wedding guest and yelling at Alan, is this your fucking boy? And he's like, does this look like my fucking boy? It turned out this guy had pushed your wedding planner and tried to fight some of the staff.
00:07:00
Speaker
And then Alan was trying to make him not hit people like the event staff. ah Alan! I could just send Ellen a special thank you card different than the ones everyone else gets that that has ah ah a $20 bill in it for his hard work today.
00:07:20
Speaker
That is amazing. No, of course that wasn't his boy. yeah he He wants to fight him as well. He is just trying to get him to pushing a woman can't find wedding planner. I have to tell you, like but she was the nicest lady. She was so nice. She's so sweet. like Everyone needs to know that she was not like some crazy bitch that could in any way have incited this incident. she used it Not a lady you'd see in a Kate Hudson movie with a head She was just a nice lady.
00:07:56
Speaker
Very calm, very gentle, very organized and helpful. good. not in any way deserving of this treatment. Now I need to send her an extra thank you note with probably more than $20. Well, after the podcast, I'll describe to you the person that did this. If you want to figure out who it was yourself, or you you might have an idea already. I already have an idea. I know who the drunkest person at my wedding was.
00:08:27
Speaker
But I think what's crazy is that it does all circle back to me. And if I had just let that guy fall and head first down 30 stairs, we wouldn't have had to deal with any of that.
00:08:39
Speaker
No, instead there would have been an ambulance at my wedding, which I think may have been worse because I would have noticed that. And I never saw Alan chasing a guy into the street um or my wedding planner getting um shoved. and I didn't see any of that. So the ambulance, I think I would have noticed.
00:08:56
Speaker
I think it all started with Alan telling the wedding planner, like, I think this guy needs help. And ah I'll tell you, he didn't want help. He didn't want help not falling head first down the stairs. And he didn't want help ah fighting event.
00:09:16
Speaker
So um don't send him a thank you card. ah Great wedding. Otherwise, though, like I, it's weird to tell only that story because it was a fabulous event. like one of the best weddings I've ever been to, if not the best.
00:09:30
Speaker
Thank you. It was magical. It was the greatest night of my life.
Absurdities of 'Bitter Harvest'
00:09:35
Speaker
Aside from the thrill of love, like the actual thrill of, uh, bodily harm and violence that was the story to tell for this specific podcast honestly oh a wedding that doesn't have at least one insane thing happen at it that everyone can talk about later is not a wedding at all there needs to be something for people to talk shit about and gossip about and have fun with that's what makes a wedding truly complete
00:10:05
Speaker
We all had a lovely night, except for the man who, you know, had a bitter end to his night as Stephen Baldwin had a bitter harvest this this week. Guys, we watched Bitter Harvest. I had watched this movie a couple weeks ago.
00:10:23
Speaker
And i was enthralled by it. Once again, Tubi provides. Tubi provides. tubi but i will I'll say the cast of this movie, we have... you know What drew you to the Stephen Baldwin joint, as I love to refer to all bad movies by using the... Just bad movies in general are referred to as Stephen Baldwin
The Baldwin Brothers' Bizarre Choices
00:10:50
Speaker
joints. That ranges that ranges from tiptoes to to ah the one where Sean Connery's in a thong.
00:10:58
Speaker
Zardoz. No, it's the poster. I can see why the poster is eye-catching. Well, and reading the you know the plot synopsis that it's like a a guy gets suckered into a threesome and crime happens. that There wasn't a lot to it. A triangle of innocence, sin, and murder.
00:11:23
Speaker
What innocence? There's no innocence in this triangle. He was innocent. He was the most innocent man that's ever existed. Yeah, actually, that's if you're using innocent as um a euphemism for stupid, then yes, he's a very innocent man.
00:11:42
Speaker
I don't want to say he was a real Lenny type, but he was kind of a Lenny type. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of mice and men, yeah. There were definitely moments in the beginning of this movie where i was like, is he a Lenny type? Is he gonna ah hug one of these women too hard during the threesome and snap her neck?
00:12:03
Speaker
Like, i'm not a hundred percent sure he won't. Well, in one of the opening scenes, he does hug that chicken a little tight and ends up having to eat it. Mm-hmm.
00:12:15
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Him being a fucking idiot is where the... ah the tie-in to Steinbeck begins and ends one of the gals though the other two was Patsy Krenzit Jennifer Rubin who is them in my notes as blonde one and blonde two I didn't bother to remember which was which which' blonde one and blonde two mine was British and country there you go One was British, one was was was Southern as hell. And the Southern one was Taryn from Nightmare on Elm Street 3, which did appear in another movie we did, the Crush.
00:12:55
Speaker
So she's a very memorable character. She's the one that, i don't know you've seen Nightmare 3, when she's in the Freddy sequence, she has a mohawk and Freddy ends up killing her with...
00:13:06
Speaker
injecting her with drugs into yes i remember that one yeah that one the dream warriors is that that one it's about yeah yeah great great movie ah Yes, I do remember that now. um Then we have police played by Adam Baldwin, who you've seen as like a military man in a million things. He was in Firefly. yep, yep. And he, I have to say, it is a little weird.
00:13:32
Speaker
Because of all the Baldwins, I feel like these two Baldwins look the most like each other. And so it's i was I found it weird that they were not actually playing brothers. And so it put a ah ah different plot in my head where I assumed that um ah that Papa ah Adam... I gotta keep it all... That the sheriff, because Adam Emmett Walsh.
00:14:02
Speaker
Yeah, Adam Baldwin is playing a deputy and his daddy's the sheriff because apparently this is a Nepo job. And um my thought was that the sheriff had fucked Stephen Baldwin's mom in the past and they were like secretly half brothers.
00:14:18
Speaker
um and that But no, that that would be a more interesting movie than one. So I knew this going in, but I'm going to blow your mind right now. Adam Baldwin is not a Baldwin.
00:14:31
Speaker
That's just his last name. He's cast in a movie and has the same last name as the lead. Adam Baldwin has no connection. look similar. Like, if you look at the four Baldwin brothers, they look the same with various face changes. Yeah, Adam Baldwin has no connection. He is from Winnetka, Illinois. and But I do want to read you this little a piece from a... He has a very short personal life bio on Wiki. and ah My mind is so blown right now.
00:15:06
Speaker
ah The first part is that he has three children and a wife. That's the last part is that in late 2015, Baldwin endorsed Ted Cruz for the 2016 presidential election. And that he was the originator of hashtag gamer hate. ah Because he believed that video games were pushing leftist views on gamers, which means every game he played, he was too hard relating to the villain.
00:15:37
Speaker
Didn't like it. He was like, Bison was a good guy in Street Fighter. He had some good ideas. Keep that green guy caged up. yeah
00:15:49
Speaker
This is Adam Baldwin? This is Adam. Adam Baldwin, Jane for Firefly? Correct. is Is a Gamergate weirdo who, of all people on the planet that he could endorse for president, wanted Ted Cruz, the man with the most punchable face in politics,
00:16:16
Speaker
The man who I'm still not entirely sure isn't the Zodiac Killer. That's who he wants for president? Well, back then, maybe his views have changed, but apparently he was passionate at enough about it that it's part of his small Wikipedia bio.
00:16:33
Speaker
Wow.
00:16:36
Speaker
I'm learning way too many things. I'm learning way too many things today. I liked him better when I thought he was a Baldwin brother. um Well, I got to hop back over to Steven for a second. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's bad shit to say about Stevie, too. Because I'm pretty sure Steven's a a conservative weirdo, right?
00:16:58
Speaker
Well, yeah. He endorsed Huckabee. That was his yeah his weird thing on here. He's like a born-again type do. 9-11 caused him to be a born-again evangelical. And all I really remember, I didn't know that part. I just remembered at some point he started like a dirt bikes for Jesus- church thing and and the he's uh justin bieber's uh father-in-law hayley baldwin is his daughter who married justin bieber wow what a small world but the piece of information on his wiki page that really caught my eye and does have sources as tmz to verify
00:17:42
Speaker
ah He got a tattoo on his left shoulder of the initials HM for Hannah Montana in 2006. we He got the tattoo after making a pact with Miley Cyrus that he would be allowed to cameo on the show if he had the initials tattooed on him. He revealed the tattoo to Cyrus at a book signing in Nashville in November 2008.
00:18:06
Speaker
twenty twenty oh eight He was never given the opportunity to appear on the show in regards the tattoo.
00:18:15
Speaker
We haven't even talked about the movie yet.
00:18:19
Speaker
I'm sorry. How old was Miley Cyrus at the time?
Stephen Baldwin's Acting Style
00:18:22
Speaker
I'm guessing that his daughter was a fan of the show. That is not a good enough reason. And that he wanted to be in something his daughter would watch.
00:18:30
Speaker
ah No, John, it sounds a lot more like he was just desperate to be on TV in something that was relevant and popular at the time. And possibly to be around various Disney Channel children.
00:18:44
Speaker
I want to say this before we start. I am a Stephen Baldwin fan. No. Don't do that. As an actor. Why? Would you really love to be Biodome? 100%. you're asking, damn when did I rewatch it last? This year. i Grew up on Pauly Shore. Biodome is a classic. I don't care what anyone says. There is lines from that movie I still quote. Is it a great movie? No. Is Stephen Baldwin playing the same character?
00:19:16
Speaker
Is this a prequel to Biodome? Potentially. No, because this character has never seen breast. And I feel like his character in Biodome had seen boobs before.
00:19:30
Speaker
this is a prequel to biodome and he hadn't, cause you see, Oh, this is what he does after. No, he's dead. I'm saying potentially, I think in in an alternate universe, fanfic biodome could have been what happened after. Cause this, there is a, care there's never been a character more easily and influenced.
00:19:50
Speaker
that is true I did write down that this man needs to learn about boundaries. Like if any man has ever needed all the therapy speak, that's going around. Like, You need to work on establishing boundaries. Like, it's this guy.
00:20:06
Speaker
Well, both directions. Because this is a guy who... He has technically sexually assaulted himself multiple times in this movie. And then... I'm going to need you to break that one down for me. How do you feel?
00:20:20
Speaker
There are two separate times in this movie when they are trying to have sex with him. When a singular woman is trying to have sex with him and he says, don't. Please stop.
00:20:31
Speaker
Don't do this. And then they fuck. That is not consent in any form of the imagination. And his body language other than they had sex. No, even his body language during their sex scene kit is in insane.
00:20:46
Speaker
He is having sex with her from behind in a shower and you've never seen a more horrified look on a man's face. because I have to say, his face throughout this whole movie is making the most hilarious facial expressions. It looks like it's melting about half the time. he moves his lips in such a pursed and deflated way. he looks like um a blobfish.
00:21:15
Speaker
That is the best way to describe it, right? That's the fish that has the sad lips. dad Yes. nice But picture if a blobfish were pushing half of his face into a doorframe, which is how this character witnesses things and talks throughout so many times in this movie, just shoving his face against a doorframe.
00:21:35
Speaker
That being said, I do think Stephen Baldwin's a handsome man with a great haircut and good physique in this film. That haircut is just trying to hide a receding hairline. Garrett, come on now. Fuck off. Come on. We got 90s. No, we've got 90s Matt Damon hair in this movie. It's great. He's looking good. Post haircut.
00:21:59
Speaker
He looks good still. I guess what I'm saying is I do think all of the Baldwin's are attractive. There is a hierarchy to the Baldwin's. Obviously and there's a hierarchy to the Baldwin's. It's just, I thought Adam Baldwin was part of that hierarchy and I was apparently completely mistaken.
00:22:16
Speaker
no you forgot about Daniel and Billy. I could never forget about Billy. It sounds like you you forget about Daniel. I forgot about all of them. Isn't it insane though that in the hierarchy of the bald ones, one of them accidentally killed somebody and that didn't even remotely affect his place in the hierarchy?
00:22:36
Speaker
No, because the others did not even come close. Like the hierarchy was so ah stratified, so skewed that there was no way, even if he had killed that that poor woman on purpose, I don't think it would have changed his status in the hierarchy.
00:22:59
Speaker
I think it just would have moved everyone down, to be honest. um It just starts at zero or something. And like now we're at like negative one, negative two. No, i I like not doing that to the bald ones. I like the bald ones for the most part.
00:23:15
Speaker
Uh, so yeah, the movie does start off with a a bang. ah Shaky cam, Dutch angles, editing all over the place. Do not watch if you get motion sickness the first two minutes of this movie. It is all over the place. And then I do want to call out, though, the one genuinely cool...
00:23:35
Speaker
camera shot in the movie which is when the camera pulls back out of this bank robbery through the windows of the getaway car it looks genuinely very rad like it's all one continuous shot it looks really neat Either the director or the cinematographer on this one did really try things a lot.
Film's Visual Critique & Plot Details
00:23:58
Speaker
Like throughout the movie, they like it didn't always hit. But you can't say they didn't try to do something visually with this movie.
00:24:07
Speaker
That being said, there were is for every hit, there was six misses. But that being said, that didn't mean there weren't hits. Yes, and I do want to be fair and and and give props where they're due. I will not give props for ah the fake cemetery where the funeral is at because boy howdy could they not afford a cemetery. That is a a field that they put up some crappy little fencing and some real fake tombstones. It is about the size of my living room. And I live in a ah relatively small Chicago apartment. It is not um a cemetery that's going hold a whole lot of bodies.
00:24:58
Speaker
They're stacked, I'm sure. and Just like in knowledge. There were several times I questioned budgetary issues. Like, is that Stephen Baldwin's butt?
00:25:08
Speaker
I think yes, because I don't know if they could afford a stunt butt unless there just happened to be a crew member that was particularly proud of his ass. It's just like, me throw me in, coach. He's like, I'll do it. Shoot shoot me from the lowest angle of the most unflattering angle of a man's ass you could ever have where you see too much of the bottom.
00:25:29
Speaker
Like, too much of the under the butt. Like, It's dangerously close to showing B-hole. It's not great, but it is angled in such a way on purpose, the purpose of which I cannot fathom. I really could not wrap my head around why.
00:25:47
Speaker
the focus in the screen had to be woman's head and his butt as they talked, but they treated the focus of his butt as if the, she was talking to the butt and that was the other person speaking. But man, that camera went down just a little too far too far. And you,
00:26:06
Speaker
And even though the ass takes up the majority of the screen, you're looking at the bottom part of a person that you don't normally see. Like, even if you see someone's butt, you never see this part of it. like This angle. Where crack goes into legs. And, like, where' it's just, once again, he tries some angles. They don't always I don't know if this one's work or doesn't work. I might i don't see it ever. it's I'll remember it.
00:26:30
Speaker
Yep. So we go from a bank robbery directly to Stephen Baldwin's parents are dead and he's being given his dad's Confederate coin collection and his mom's thimbles.
00:26:43
Speaker
And the house, I guess, the the the farm. And he's been sleeping in the hayloft because this is daddy's house. um And and daddy left him no money. Daddy sent all of his money to the elev evangelical preacher on TV. Yes. Yes.
00:27:00
Speaker
But you got the Confederate coin collection in the farm. So what are you bitching about? Okay. The farm captured my imagination so hard, Kit. Do tell. The first time I watched this, I think in my first Letterboxd review on this, I referred to him as a tumbleweed farmer.
00:27:19
Speaker
Because we don't see anything that this farm produces. And the only actual farm work we see him doing is pitchforking tumbleweeds into an incinerator. But on a second viewing, he's not pitchforking all- He does kill chicken, so they do have chickens. And there's a dead sheep at one point. Yeah.
00:27:39
Speaker
But he doesn't pitchfork all of the tumbleweeds. He starts to one and he puts it to the side like that was a keepin' tumbleweed. That's a keepin' tumbleweed! You gotta know which tumbleweeds to cull and which tumbleweeds to keep. Yeah.
00:27:55
Speaker
This was a group of people who did zero research into how to pretend to be a farmer for three seconds in a movie. And I love that. his hat is so big that it reminds me of a phrase my mom uses, ah which is so accurate in this case, which is to call somebody all hat, no cattle.
00:28:17
Speaker
ah That is Stephen Baldwin. He is all hat, no cattle.
00:28:26
Speaker
ah did Do you remember there's a point when, like right after he kills the chicken and eats it, he goes up to a day calendar, like a day-to-day calendar where rip the page off. A devotional day calendar, yes.
00:28:41
Speaker
A picture of his father next to it, but in front of that, a pile of dye her and a pile of thumbtacks. Yes. We know very little about his religious trauma with his father,
00:28:55
Speaker
But it seems bad. it does seem very bad. But we only really see the communion. like Yeah, we see a few things. We see his dad like threatening to hit him hitting him, and then force-feeding him a communion wine like you would a goose that you're going to make him cry.
00:29:16
Speaker
Ha ha ha ha
00:29:26
Speaker
That's how do you keep your son from becoming ah a pervert. And he isn't. he's He's so anti-perverted that anytime he has a sexual thought, he sweats profusely. And it's honest to God, like a nom flashback, but it's not a nom flashback. It's transporting him into the Hellraiser cube where like...
00:29:52
Speaker
the chubby one sucking on his toes while pen had slapped him in the face. Like, good like the fear he has from the idea of getting a boner throughout this movie is incredible.
00:30:11
Speaker
Yes. Like in every cold sweat, he wakes up in from these trauma dreams Oh yeah. His face orgasms at the end. It's like he likes this. it's big Garrett, did you not see the Hellraiser movies? Pleasure and pain are intertwined. They are the same. And that is what he is feeling.
00:30:32
Speaker
And that's why we have the die and the thumbtacks. D&D pleasure, thumbtacks pain. they See, there you go. um Yeah, the nightmare thing, he makes the funniest sounds. i
Mysterious Women & Erotic Thriller Absurdity
00:30:46
Speaker
It's like... me
00:30:52
Speaker
It's hilarious. And I have said before, I've never said this before, but I have had the vague thought before that um movies over-glamorize what it's like to wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare. You're always like, your hair is tousled and you look so sexy. glistening with sweat and I'm like that's not what like to wake up from this goes too far the opposite direction he looks hilariously pathetic as he is like clenched up dripping with sweat um his face making all kinds of weird contortions and the worst sounds coming out of him it's hilarious can't you never had a dream so terrifying it scared the jizz out you But Stephen Baldwin surely has some
00:31:41
Speaker
ah but steven baldwins sure has The sweating is the weirdest part, not to jump ahead. But during his sex scene, he isn't dripping with sweat. He's pouring. like Yes. It goes from one shot of, I've never seen a wetter man during sex. like that He got a fever. yeah We've watched people fuck in the rain and we've never seen a wetter man.
00:32:06
Speaker
Mickey Rourke having sex on those wet stairs was not as wet as Stephen Baldwin. Underneath the gutter. was not as wet as Stephen Baldwin having mom and pop missionary like and a farmhouse.
00:32:23
Speaker
Yeah. So yeah, a pretty girl is, is lost. She was, she, she was, she doesn't, i don't know. She, she ended up on his farm.
00:32:34
Speaker
and ah Drop off in the middle of absolute fucking nowhere Yeah the bus left her in the middle of fuck all And she's like I'm trying to get to wherever And he's like that's a dumb idea That place you're talking about going doesn't exist And she's like Oh no I guess I'll just Hang out on your farm um And be it be a hot blonde Is that okay?
00:32:57
Speaker
I love that he's like Oh that's 30 miles from town I can give you a ride if you eat lunch with me crazy as shit that spoiler alert everybody the two blondes are bad no there's not even there's not even a thought that maybe they aren't the bad guys like they're the bad there's never even a thought that they aren't sisters like that was my first thought i'm like two hot blondes showed up in your town of about 60 people um on the same day the same day you meet these in the same day oh but one of them has a fake british accent so obviously despite the fact that her name is jolene the most southern name imaginable they didn't come up with a new one yeah No, they don't bother with fake names. They are Jolene and Kellyanne. And that's it. that like they I'm not... put What kind of criminals use their real names but bother with a fake accent? I don't understand. Point is, they they can't possibly be sisters.
00:34:02
Speaker
This one's got a fake accent. I'm just saying that even though this woman has potentially murdered somebody and is a psychopath herself, she should have been horrified.
00:34:15
Speaker
of the potential of Stephen Baldwin when she eats the chicken and the next shot, he is just sitting across from her and she wakes up on the couch and she said, Oh my, how long have I been asleep? And in his dead eyes, which we haven't described how dead his eyes are this whole movie, no thoughts behind them. It's not even like you said stoned, but it's, it's nothing. It's nothing. This is a nothing blank canvas face.
00:34:39
Speaker
And he says, how long have I been asleep on this couch? Four and a quarter hours. what but you sat there and let that woman sleep for you fucking psycho until all the hotels in town sorry the one hotel in town is closed um and also you sat there the whole time reading a coffee table book about london with lots of big pictures of double-decker buses Kit, he's interested in the outside world and fascinated by anyone who's been. Because he has not left town. Oh oh boy. Talk to me about gay Paris.
00:35:14
Speaker
i sure would love to see it someday. but I'm not going to sell my dad's Confederate coin collection and just go already. like like Well, he doesn't know that the coins are worth anything. Because that's what he was told at the beginning.
00:35:29
Speaker
i mean... the guy ah like The banker guy offered to buy them off him right then and there. yeah but he pretended like they weren't worth anything and then said, like I'll give you like next to nothing for but I'll take them from you. so like he's a fuck we He's a fucking idiot. His dad has so much shit in that house.
00:35:49
Speaker
You know his dad would have stuff about what the coins are worth. Well, he did have those magazines, but he he's reading coffee table books about Gabe Hayree. about gay harry and He's just fantasizing about croissants and not getting thumbtacks stuck into his penis when he doesn't drink enough goose wine. i don't it And when he tells her, he's like, it's okay. You can stay in the house. I mostly sleep in the naughty boy barn.
00:36:17
Speaker
The barn for naughty boys. Don't sleep in the naughty boy barn. Sleep in the house. And then the the two blondes, so blonde number two, British blonde. fake British blonde, country blonde, yeah. Yeah, pretty ah it's like a city ah mouse, country mouse, isn't that they're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so the the big city girl is telling him that I'm here to buy your house. I'm a big real estate lady, and I heard that your dad died yesterday, and you might have some land to sell, and I'm here already. Hello. Hello.
00:36:52
Speaker
um And then we're in a weird little thing because the blondes are very obviously in on this together. They are sisters. They are trying to do a grift. It is so obvious that they want his fancy coin collection.
00:37:05
Speaker
um And you we even see blonde number one at some point, like looking through closets and stuff, trying to find the coins. um what what is the purpose of a scheme where one blonde is like you should sell your house to me and the other blonde is like don't sell your house that's your daddy's house don't you wanna to de to stay in the house and with me your girlfriend So at the end of the day, the scheme is that they bang him, both live at the house. They're still committing robberies with another man at this point.
00:37:42
Speaker
Another thing that doesn't make sense to me is why they had the other man... at all like was that man like have a suicide pact with them because at one point the man has to like pretend to be raping them so that stephen baldwin comes in and confronts him i thought that that was a coincidence at the end they were it seemed like they weren't actually the bank robbers that the bank robbers were a coincidence and
00:38:13
Speaker
Because the Adam Baldwin gets a call on the radio saying they've found the bank robber lady and it's neither of these blondes.
00:38:28
Speaker
I'm reading the Wikipedia page because that's what I thought too, but then the Wikipedia summary of the finale made me think otherwise. This movie is very corn fusing because at the same time that there is a scheme of these two blondes trying to have sex with him and steal his coin collection, there is a subplot about, by the way, there's a series of
Confusion & Critique of Film's Plot
00:38:49
Speaker
bank robberies in the area.
00:38:51
Speaker
And ah Adam Baldwin, the sheriff's deputy, has to, you know, find ah who who's doing it. And It seems very obvious that it's the blondes, one or both blonde, because they're like, a Caucasian female is one of the bank robbers.
00:39:10
Speaker
And at one point in the movie, ah the the bank that at that our hero is at gets robbed. And then the bank robber is at his house trying to rape his his girlfriend.
00:39:30
Speaker
And then they shoot him. Okay, so at the beginning when I said I didn't, I understood this movie. You lied. You lied. You liar. I guess it's because while I was watching it, I thought that's weird, but you're right at the end. it does.
00:39:44
Speaker
They get the call that like, uh, they caught the other at real bank robbers, but that all makes what happened earlier, even fucking no sense because that implies that the bank robbers split up into two cars, despite the fact that as far as we know, there's, they only have one getaway driver And left all their money in that car. Left all their money, left like $7,000 in that car. And that guy went and hid out in ah Baldwin's barn and then decided like, hey, there's a hot blonde here. I should rape her. Meanwhile, the other robbers are somewhere else
00:40:27
Speaker
And also, one of them got shot and we never, like, who who the hell that person was? We have no notion.
00:40:38
Speaker
This movie's confusing and dumb. I don't know if I can continue this podcast.
00:40:48
Speaker
Because, okay, it if you just look at the first first and second act, the movie's silly and weird. yes but it goes absolute full off the rails for the third and is a full ass different movie with different characters you've watched. Like it is like we took the third act from a full different movie and tacked it onto the end of this one.
00:41:12
Speaker
I just realized I wrote down that blonde number one is like, there's going to be a hoedown. we should go to the hoedown. And then we never go to the hoedown. And I'm so disappointed. They dance at home a lot.
00:41:25
Speaker
I was promised a goddamn hoedown. Did you run out of money? You couldn't get enough extras for a hoedown? We didn't have ass debt money. We didn't have graveyard money. We actually had, we may have had too much ass money to be honest. Yeah. Yeah. We got a guy who willing to show nearly whole. um Okay.
00:41:43
Speaker
Yeah. We got a, let's like jump back to something sexy. Like we, uh, the sheriff of the town is nice. That's not sexy, but he doesn't carry a gun. He's nice. Whatever. Um, yeah Let's get to him coming home with her and he is has his face blob fished against the door frame, watching her topless trying on his mom, dead mom's clothes. Yeah.
00:42:08
Speaker
As if this dude needed more like complexes to do with his parents, a cute blonde who does the thing that cute blondes in movies do where they like chew on their finger just a little bit. Like, yeah. is wearing his mom's wedding veil, ah like the little hat with the little veil on it. And like, this guy didn't need that in his life. He was already really fucked up.
00:42:35
Speaker
But so he she she's like, can you give me a massage? And here's a nip. And it's like, no, I'm thinking about my bad dad. And cut to this painting, this really ugly painting of my very severe looking father. ah can't I hope that painting exists still. I hope that did not get thrown in the incinerator when this movie was over.
00:42:56
Speaker
Please somebody that over your mantle. Oh my god, yes. That was such a... Him like... Oh my god. The sex scenes in this... the it should Trauma shouldn't be as funny as it's presented in this film. It should not. This man has so many layers of trauma and it is hilarious every single time.
00:43:20
Speaker
Every time. When eventually work him into a threesome and there is a crucifix sitting on his bedside table like a painting of his wife you're cheating on or something. He's just...
00:43:34
Speaker
His dopey blank look and her saying something along the lines of if God were here, he'd be jealous of you. And then tips it over like a picture. Like the picture of your wife that the hot lady will tip over while you're cheating. Absolutely. And he, anyway, he claims he doesn't do this very much. He is a virgin, right? Like we're, we're just agreeing that this man is a hundred percent of urgent.
00:44:01
Speaker
I was going to ask you the same thing. If he had any other, do you think he got caught doing something sexual and that's why he like yeah got caught masturbating or something? Masturbating. Okay. And then got force fed community wine like a goose and never did it again. um I'm surprised that his dad didn't do like the caught got caught smoking. So he made them smoke the whole pack in a row.
00:44:29
Speaker
You beat that thing until you're sleepy and broken. And you do it in front of this gruesome thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. you you I guess that would be like, what, finishing the whole Playboy magazine?
00:44:43
Speaker
You don't do it until you finish to each page in one setting. Every page in one sitting. I don't know what a refractory period is. you bring me a juice? He just needs an orange juice like he gave me juice.
00:44:59
Speaker
it's a Gatorade this man needs to rehydrate that's why every time he has sex he just starts sweating like
00:45:12
Speaker
so um then yeah but that is explains why when he finds his dad's porno collection he is so horrified and so angry that like No. How could my dad, a religious man, be a hypocrite?
00:45:30
Speaker
Kit, I have to point out before the an interesting shot gone wrong was in the reveal of the pornos. Oh, please. And I can't let this go away because it blew my mind when it happened. So country blonde basically lives at his house and is his sex house cleaner. She makes that arrangement. and She's very bad at cleaning the house. This place is so dusty and she is half assing it. I just have to let you know she's not good at this.
00:45:58
Speaker
It is bad. She is looking for a coin collection to steal. But she says, I found this key under this cabinet. And he holds the key. And then he takes three steps forward to the camera and holds the key up to the camera to show me, the viewer, that he has a key now.
00:46:16
Speaker
yes Why? I'm out of the way of what's happening. It's very much like you're watching Blue's Clues and he's holding it up so that he can show three-year-olds like, it's a key yeah There is a very prominent key scene in Biodome with Stephen Baldwin. where he finds ah a key that's been left in a window and they escape the biodome. And I just remember him saying a key. Cause they've been locked in the desert and are about to eat a, um eat a lizard. Cause they're the other biodome scientists are trying to kill them. And he says, this key and I thought ah that felt very biodome to me because he, he, he held it to my face to show me this fucking Tim Burton skeleton key. And the last thing I was expecting was aer was his dad's nudie bag collection and VHS cases where he's just like, no!
00:47:15
Speaker
One of those VHSs is Sex Lies videotape, which is just a movie. That's not a porno. It's just a movie.
00:47:26
Speaker
If it had just been like Body Double and like other... Oh my God. Real nudie mags, though, but yeah, just, ah he was, ah that was Soderbergh, right?
00:47:38
Speaker
I believe so, but it's long. He's just like, it's like, if it had been a little later, it actually would have been Ocean's Eleven. He was just a film guy. Yeah. Yeah. ah Yeah, so um British Blonde is still in town for no reason. Steampunk goggles too. she Oh, she's got rad as hell steampunk sunglasses. And she's like, I need you to fix my TV in the hotel room. And then forcibly reads her own poetry to him.
00:48:12
Speaker
And this was the moment, Garrett, where I had questions like, What level of hotness does a woman have to be for you to accept the her reading her own terrible poetry to you?
00:48:31
Speaker
What level of hotness does it have to be? Because it's got to be high. Maybe Gina Gershon. yeah Maybe. Like, hey, poets that listen to this show, I feel like you might have a problem with consent.
00:48:49
Speaker
Just know, ask before you read the poetry. Yes. No one wants to get stuck there while it's happening. Actually, let me take that back. Don't ask.
00:48:59
Speaker
Just don't do it.
00:49:03
Speaker
Maybe if it's a haiku, ah something real snappy and short, a limerick. Nothing longer than a limerick. hit me with a three line thinker and I'll be like, Oh man, maybe I'm going to suck this guy off. But no, don't.
00:49:18
Speaker
It's, it's awful that she does that to him. And then that's the beginning of him. Just he's no, this sex scene's incredible. And I don't understand it. Kit. No, I don't understand it even a little bit, but like it becomes a dream. Where did they get transported to? They're in a shitty hotel. Where were the white linens from?
00:49:36
Speaker
I don't know. I don't know. They're in the shower. They're on the linens. ah A girl can truly be so hot that all of your boundaries melt away, including the one where you would just leave the goddamn place if ah she asked you in there to fix the TV and the TV wasn't actually broken so you could just walk out.
Awkward Scenes & Ridiculous Reactions
00:50:06
Speaker
You could just leave, dude. what What do you think his acting directions were for that sex from behind?
00:50:16
Speaker
i don't think he was following any action acting directions that he was getting, um even if he was getting it. but gar I don't know because the the faces that man makes, boy howdy.
00:50:33
Speaker
They had to have said, I don't know, like, have sex with her like you fear hell. Yes. Yeah. And like this is and and like um her vagina, both is the most pleasurable thing you've ever felt and a bear trap.
00:50:54
Speaker
Hellraiser, baby. Yeah, it is definitely the look on his face is full on Hellraiser. ah You get the feeling he is in physical agony.
00:51:07
Speaker
before he busts, Jesus wept. um The cut from him finishing...
00:51:19
Speaker
To how he is sprawled out in a bathtub with her is truly mind blowing shit. Like I've never seen anyone lay at a weirder angle in anything we've watched. This wins.
00:51:33
Speaker
If we have to have an end of the year award to most awkward body position, is him laying sideways across the bathtub. It's bewildering. No one has ever been in a bathtub in this position. i understand that it is hard to fit two people in a hotel bathtub. 100%. This isn't how I would do it, though.
00:51:56
Speaker
And this isn't like an against the wall bathtub. This is like a clawfoot situation. So he is now horizontal. across he's across twice the length of this like most his torso is kind of in there but he's laying in like a very feminine jack paint me like one of your pretty girls ways really like even his feet are laid in a very dainty way it's almost as if like he's a fetus inside of her belly as she cuts his hair in the bathtub yes yeah that was even weirder that like he's clearly um in like a post-coital daze and she's like this is the opportunity i will take to cut your hair because this guy's bangs are driving me fucking crazy crazy
00:52:50
Speaker
I have to suck this guy's dick again and look up at those banks. I i don't know why. Because like later they're they're putting up pictures of like a bank robber with long hair.
00:53:03
Speaker
And it's like Adam Baldwin's giving him a look like, why'd you cut your hair? And he's like, i don't know. And it's like, but he's not actually a bank robber unless they have been drugging him and putting him in a fugue state and taking him bank robbing with them. Why does he need to have a haircut? He's not on the run.
00:53:22
Speaker
And at this point, they're not. Yeah, you're right. Like going back, it would seem like maybe they're trying to tie him to that so they can pin the bank robberies on him. But they haven't even had the thought of doing it yet. No, none of this makes sense.
00:53:35
Speaker
Yeah. So yeah, he gets home to blonde number one and he has just unlocked like a new option for sex that he didn't know was a possibility. And so he's like, Hey baby, let's do some shower sex.
00:53:50
Speaker
He literally, you're right, kid. It is. He comes home. It is new achievement unlocked in a video game. Like your Pokemon leveled up. He's like, let me show you this behind number.
00:54:03
Speaker
Have you ever heard of this? You can do it not only in the shower, but from behind. have to see the panic on my face as I come. Which has got to be a nice change for her, to be honest.
00:54:19
Speaker
it's Really, she just needs earplugs so he's not scream crying in her ears when he finishes.
00:54:26
Speaker
Yeah, then, oh no, the blondes that I'm fucking are both in my house at the same time. And there's a moment where he's like clearly thinking like, oh no, what if they find out that I've had sex with both of them? But they're just having fun drinking Jack and Coke out of champagne glasses.
00:54:43
Speaker
Mm-hmm. And it never occurs to him like, huh, they seem real chummy with each other real quick. Really fast. Yeah. And she's there. Like, this is what's weird, too, is that she says she's there because she, like, closed some deal. Closed a deal in London. she has the vague business job in this one.
00:55:04
Speaker
Yeah. Somebody's always got to have one. Vague business, yeah. um And so ah we get our threesome finally. um It cuts away way too quick from this threesome. I think this was bullshit.
00:55:21
Speaker
Cowards. Show us the threesome, you cowards. That's why we're there. That's why we're all here. The thing is, though, that I was there for the threesome, but everything prior to it was so bewildering that it didn't matter to me, really, that I didn't get to see as much because his eyes were telling me a story I didn't understand. And I was here for it.
00:55:47
Speaker
So, yeah, then he's at the bank for reasons ah while robbers burst in, and he's so dead-eyed as a gun is held to his face that, honestly, I do think he may have disassociated, and he's, like, mentally back in his childhood getting force-fed goose wine again. Yeah. Is this where it breaks him? Because a scene or so later, he's a different person. yeah Yes. His personality completely changes. And it was either the threesome or the PTSD from ah having a gun pulled on him that did it. I'm honestly surprised the gun didn't make him come.
00:56:35
Speaker
ah And then they shoot the sheriff, but not the deputy. And that fucking nice sheriff who doesn't carry a gun had a real like doot doot doodly doot around the corner before he got shot. Like his last thoughts before he got shot were doot doot doodly do.
00:56:55
Speaker
We should all be so goddamn lucky, Garrett. Oh, you are truly right. Like that is if your last thought is there ain't nothing bad ever. And then just you're dead. Perfect. Take me out that way.
00:57:11
Speaker
So yeah, Baldwin comes home, there's blood on the floor, and ah his girlfriend's getting gettin menaced by one of these bank robbers.
00:57:26
Speaker
And he makes some of the worst faces, Garrett. Like, of all the faces he made during this movie, this peak. because it is good kid i can't describe it the blobfish got like put in a trash compactor at one point for this space was brains melting you know and he had he had really fingered the blood a little too long i was worried he was gonna eat it i thought he was gonna taste it to make sure it nump that's blood but you're right he goes up there he doesn't know what to make of this he's got his gun out blondie screaming and it takes him so long to walk up the stairs and in the door with the gun like it's i was like i are you just gonna let your girl get murdered dude urgency has never been this man's strong suit
00:58:24
Speaker
oh Everybody saunters. Everybody do-do-do-doodle-do's around this time. Do-do-do-doodle-do. ah Yeah, they there's a struggle, blah, blah, blah. Kelly, the blonde, ends up shooting the guy and he yells, Kelly, don't, right before she shoots him, which I found hilarious. Like, Kelly, don't?
00:58:50
Speaker
Don't what? Don't shoot the guy that was trying to rape me and was gonna kill you? Like, what are you talking Threaten to cut your dick off and made you eat it? Yeah, that don't, all don't.
00:59:03
Speaker
kit the funniest thing though you're right like no don't is insane but the craziest shit he could have ever said is after that where she sits down and he looks down he sits down and says to her are you okay you don't feel bad or sad or nothing
00:59:23
Speaker
well well stevie here's the thing I, uh... You don't feel bad or so He can't read reactions. He's autistic.
00:59:34
Speaker
he I think he doesn't understand his own emotions because he's so repressed by by daddy painting over there that he doesn't understand how other people's emotions work either.
00:59:47
Speaker
And I think it's supposed to be that, like, oh, we're we're realizing something's wrong with this woman because she's way too calm about having killed a guy. But, like...
00:59:59
Speaker
At this point, I still thought it was part of her plan, and that was yeah her partner. And I'm still not convinced it wasn't. I'm not entirely convinced either that this wasn't like a plan to ditch one bank robber boyfriend and get a new one.
01:00:15
Speaker
ah But she's like, listen, we can't... cut we Don't call Adam Baldwin... ah the last time I killed a rapist, everyone thought I was asking for it and they tried to put me in juvie, and my sister ah m saved me from being put in juvie, so we can't call the police. Just put him in your goat incinerator. And he never thought to say, you can't go back to juvie, you're 30. Yeah.
01:00:50
Speaker
yeah I love that after, because obviously he incinerates the body and hangs out with ah his other girlfriend who's like, I know what you did. You did the right thing. Yeah. Yeah. Threesome part two threesome part two, um which starts off with her licking his stitches, which I found so messed up, Garrett.
01:01:14
Speaker
That affected me more deeply than anything in Necromantic. Mm-hmm. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Licking a fresh wound? i was like, are you trying to kill him slowly with bacteria in his arm wound? Yes. Do you know how filthy the human mouth is and you just put it directly on his fresh stitches?
01:01:35
Speaker
Which, by the way, you love but i want by the way the I don't think they went to a hospital. I think it must have been that he got stitched up here in the house, which means that we didn't properly antiseptic this shit to begin with.
01:01:51
Speaker
So he drank all the whiskey. They couldn't even pour it on. this This guy's going to lose this arm.
01:02:01
Speaker
He's not a thinker. He did look pissed that she licked it. He did. He didn't look happy. He did. the The most real emotion he had was thinking like she should one because he had just said like, ouchie, that hurts. And then she's like, let me help. And then it is a close up of her tongue going over the stitches like it's Frankenstein's forehead or something. Just like, ah.
01:02:22
Speaker
Yes. You know how like in movies sometimes they'll do like a you know, like, oh, you've got cool scars and it's so sexy that I'm like, I'm kissing and licking all your scars to show that I don't care. don't want to do shit in your life.
01:02:39
Speaker
I love you exactly the way you are. And I think your scarred body is hot. Yeah, they didn't wait for it to become a scar. She's just going to lick your open wounds. And Stephen Baldwin's face looks like I, my face would look in this exact scenario. And it is really funny that he's like, ow, that hurts. And she keeps doing it. And it doesn't stop. It's not like, ow, that hurts. o as As like what she does become sexy. No, no, no. It's just like, ow, that hurts. Wait, why are you doing this? No, please stop.
01:03:12
Speaker
Once again, consent. Boundaries. Consent. My guy. You're making me realize that no one's ever licked my appendix scar. Oh, Garrett, I'm so sorry.
01:03:26
Speaker
and I feel like it's too late. What? No, it's never too late. Come on. You've got a wife. I can't this many years in be like, I've never said this, but i need you to give I need you to lick my appendix scar that I had when I was in the sixth grade.
01:03:48
Speaker
Anyway. British blonde gets the bright idea that they could do the next robbery because all the plans for the robbery are in the car that was left in ah the barn.
01:04:01
Speaker
And we've burned the body. We got $7,000. And like, it is so wild that our boy Baldwin here doesn't say like, aren't you like a fancy real estate lady who just closed a big deal in London? Why would you need to rob a bank? Yeah.
01:04:18
Speaker
Well, he kind of does. He's like, we're not bank robbers. Why would we do this? And her hard sell on him is as if they're going skydiving. Yeah. That they're doing something for like a a silly little thrill.
01:04:31
Speaker
Yeah. Have you never wanted to rob bank? But like the other girl has like dollar bills rolled up hanging out of her nose like she's like eight. ears. She rolls up dollar bills and puts them in her ears and nostrils. Yes.
01:04:48
Speaker
It'll be fun.
01:04:51
Speaker
be fun. You know how a girl can be hot enough that you'll let her read bad poetry to you? Apparently two girls can be hot enough that you'll rob a bank for them. he like They unlocked something in him. 100%. Not just his ability to have sex from behind. like They snapped a piece of his brain yeah where his dead, lifeless eyes are wide now.
01:05:19
Speaker
wide open as in a way they have never been before i mean normally if it's like his eyes are open now that would be a metaphor no no no this is very literal and not metaphorical at all his eyes are bug-eyed and he is like might as well have snorted cocaine with those bills because It felt like you were all on cocaine. yeah Yes. Robbing a bank is exactly like doing cocaine, I assume. um Garrett, would you rob a bank in order to continue to get threesomes with hot blondes?
01:05:56
Speaker
A smile crept across Garrett's face as he was asking my question.
01:06:03
Speaker
um Maybe yeah yeah Maybe Maybe I feel like there were plenty of missed opportunities That I regret enough That like if that was the only way to get Yeah it does they do seem to make it pretty clear That like They don't say it but like it's pretty clear that like We're not interested in you anymore If you're not down to Rob a bank with us Yeah I'd i'd rob a bank For a few more smooches
01:06:35
Speaker
And this gets played at a court case.
01:06:39
Speaker
Did you in fact say I would rob a bank to get a few more smooches? No, your honor, that's ai Or ah the republican the Republican response. This is the first I'm hearing of this. I have not heard about this. I haven't heard about this. I don't know anything about this.
01:06:58
Speaker
um Yeah, so they
Manipulation & Bank Robbery Plot
01:07:00
Speaker
do go. They rob the bank. um And this old, decrepit security guard. Garrett, how old do you think this security guard is?
01:07:12
Speaker
Whatever you picture your school teacher's age as when you're in the second grade, this man was actually that age. He's 900 years old.
01:07:23
Speaker
Yeah. Oldest man I've ever seen. could... you could blow him over like a birthday candle. Like you could just, and he's he both hips gone. no need. should be working as a Walmart greeter, not a security guard at a bank.
01:07:37
Speaker
100%. And in and clearly does not care if he lives or dies. He knows that he is days, maybe minutes away from keeling over anyway.
01:07:51
Speaker
And so Baldwin's like, don't make me shoot you. old man, and he's he's not gonna he's not backing down, so Baldwin shoots the old man, and ah they... Baldwin is so bad at robbing banks, john he's so bad at robbing banks, that as they're getting in the getaway car, he yells, Kelly, let's go. What?
01:08:24
Speaker
I mean, you remember how in every other movie ever, everyone's got little nicknames like I'm Mr. Pink or whatever. no, no. Kelly. Kelly, let's go.
01:08:37
Speaker
While they're robbing, she's talking with the fucking wait. Because Kelly's driving and Jolene's in there with him. Jolene's still talking in a British accent. Well, she has to keep up the ruse for...
01:08:51
Speaker
for for Baldwin. But you don't be like, there's a British lady a town over would be fucking news to a town of 400 people. Also, the fact that they are clearly two blonde ladies and who they just appeared the same. Who also just appeared in the town of 60 people. Yes.
01:09:10
Speaker
Obviously. It's obviously. And he yelled her name, which by the way is her real name, ah which is insane why they used their real names. Um, Yeah, so they're on the road in the getaway car.
01:09:25
Speaker
They're so excited. They're cheering so proud of themselves. And ah no, there's a cop car coming after them. So we got a brilliant idea here.
01:09:36
Speaker
What's our brilliant idea?
01:09:39
Speaker
throw away all the money at him and get Stephen Baldwin's face very clear sight for the police officer to see for whatever reason. Yep, yep, yep.
01:09:51
Speaker
Throwing the money at him does wreck the car and they get away and it was just the love of the game. It was just, ah it was, they robbed for the sex of it, I believe she says. yeah yeah, yeah. But here's the thing. then Then they don't want to have sex with him when they get home.
01:10:08
Speaker
Yeah, me neither. He, here's the thing, you know how the, at Dare, they told us that even though marijuana itself isn't that bad for you, it's a gateway drug. And it's like, if you start smoking weed, you will be a meth addict by the end of the year.
01:10:24
Speaker
um Turns out bank robbery is a gateway crime to rape and murder. So that's an important lesson, kids.
01:10:37
Speaker
don't Don't rob a bank just because two hot blondes are going to fuck you. Because you will turn into a maniacal rapist. It doesn't make sense.
01:10:52
Speaker
It's the only explanation I can come up with. no No, I agree with your explanation. I'm just saying like the movie... Everything that happens in the third act is just one left turn after another. Yeah. We're not even a left turn. It's driving on Mr. Toad's wild ride. yeah And I truly am in hell. And like, we're not even taking roads. We're just going to go through that wall and see what plot lines on the other side.
01:11:22
Speaker
they put the fucking car back in the barn. These people are so inept. Like, yeah, The cops know what car that is. They saw it. that you You leave the, you throw the bag of money from that car.
01:11:41
Speaker
I love when the cop shows up at his house and says, I'm just so sad about my dad. Yeah. Right. And, and he's basically like, not really. I had a different relationship with my father. Yeah.
01:11:58
Speaker
Yeah. yeah forgot about the thumbtack pile yeah those had something to do with that we don't know the full story but we don't know the story but we we left them meaningfully right there um but yeah they don't want to fuck anymore and bobby or and and uh our boy he's he hits one of them for no punches are straight in the face yeah right in the face Which did lead me to believe that like, oh, this is why these two girls, because at this point I thought that they were definitely the bank robbers, this is why they have to keep cycling in a new male member of their bank robbery trio is because every time they get a new guy to join their group, he turns into a rapist.
01:12:50
Speaker
He's insane by the end. and that's And then they have to kill him, put him in an incinerator, and get a new guy to join their their gang of of ah bank robbers. because Every man is like a banana that slowly turns brown.
01:13:07
Speaker
Yes. And that guy... because they went off with Stephen Baldwin was like a banana that was separated and sat aside. So it took longer to turn Brown, but because Stephen was still with them, he turned Brown and yucky quicker, quicker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
01:13:24
Speaker
Um, So yeah, ah he he comes back to his place um after this, this like, he so Adam Baldwin comes and ah is like, we gotta, to we gotta go look at stuff. Show me around your property. we think the bank robbers are hiding out here. And he's like, yeah, sure. And he's like, get rid of all the evidence girls.
01:13:49
Speaker
Adam Baldwin says a sentence that I think we're, we're all thinking. and I believe you probably have it written down. i don't what is it oh look at you get a little pussy and you turn into an asshole
01:14:06
Speaker
he's not wrong though it's extremely true that is what happened to him that may be the true theme of this movie um and so ah
01:14:23
Speaker
Yeah, it's, he comes back and his whole place is ripped apart. And he's still back to having the same dead eyes as ever. Like, the bed has been broken by all of the shit being thrown around everywhere. And he has nothing going on behind the face. He has two modes in this movie. There is dead and there is melting.
01:14:50
Speaker
I mean, after he rapes her, he's a blobfish. He doesn't rape her. like He like goes to talk to her and is pushing his face against the chicken coop. I'm not exaggerating when I say so much of this movie. He is pushing half of his face against something as he talks. And look he's pushing looking half-melted and very sad. It's extremely funny every single time, I have to say.
01:15:13
Speaker
And he's like, I don't know what she wants from me. I said sorry.
01:15:17
Speaker
real line. He pushes his face into a chicken. Just because I i tried to rape her and and then I hit her like, God, women be so sensitive.
01:15:31
Speaker
That energy's got to go somewhere. Yeah. um So anyway, he finds that the the girls have been reading about coins and ah they have a copy of his dad's obituary where it lists him as a coin collector and that his fortune is probably worth like, what was it? $230,000? Yeah.
01:15:55
Speaker
The obituary had so little and it was just like, this man was survived by his son, Travis, and a baller coin collection. And a bitchin' coin collection. Guys, I gotta tell ya.
01:16:10
Speaker
If you don't have any hangups about Confederate money, you are gonna be fuckin' rich. Really funny because the families write the obits, don't they? So like, presumably, he approved that obit. Like, he wrote it This is his ah son's address. This is his mental state.
01:16:31
Speaker
Poor. His IQ low. um So, yeah, he's like confronting the British one and realizes that's not her real accent after he shoots her. And she starts talking with a southern accent. A lady named Jolene was from the south.
01:16:52
Speaker
Not jolly old London. That was not a Southern accent. She started speaking like a witch. Yes, that is true, actually. It was not. I say Southern accent because that is what the movie was sort of wanting me to to hear. But no, you're correct. She is speaking like she is, in fact, um an old witch living in the woods.
01:17:21
Speaker
My head just started to shake and spin and I started to seize a little bit. and This movie just, it messes with your senses. It's, it's incredible.
01:17:32
Speaker
Yes, and that is around the time that Adam Baldwin gets the call that they've found the real bank robber lady, and ah British, not British blonde, is like, yeah, we just robbed the bank for fun. We're not bank robbers. What are you talking about? Like, it's a weird coincidence that this town of, like, 60 people had these two coin collector scammers and...
01:17:59
Speaker
ah Bank robbers coming through on the exact same day. Do you think that the sister taught told the other sister to teach him doggy style so she didn't have to look at him?
01:18:15
Speaker
don't know. But maybe. I don't understand what the plan was. It's not a good plan. plan but then again maybe they didn't have a plan maybe they really are just doing it for the fun like they liked they like fucking with steven baldwin because i guess he asks he's like you could have just found the coins earlier and not done all this and they're like yeah but that wouldn't be fun This movie twisted too close to
Alternate Storylines Speculation
01:18:45
Speaker
the sun. Like it twisted to where I, I'm still not a hundred percent sure that it was presented to me the way it was written.
01:18:57
Speaker
Yeah, it's very unclear. It makes no sense. And these two, in so they shoot and incinerate our boy after pointing out that like,
01:19:08
Speaker
Like what? You're going to call the cops on us? Like you just robbed a bank and shot a guy, my dude. But she has a bullet in her belly, right? Yeah.
01:19:19
Speaker
Yeah. She got shot by him. The British, not British lady it has been shot. So I don't know. I guess they're going to go to a hospital or something.
01:19:31
Speaker
Which does mean, like, they've been using their real names. Everyone in town knows that these two blondes were living with Stephen Baldwin, and then Stephen Baldwin now will have gone missing. They show up to his house, they're like, I don't know, the incinerator was filled with sheep bones, there was playboys strewn all over the place.
01:19:50
Speaker
Yeah, and and his coin collection his dad's coin collection is missing, and these two idiots are about to go like drop it at the nearest pawn shop. One of them seemed to be bleeding. They were leaking. One of them's bleeding. Walking hunched over. blood And they're going to to stop at a hospital where people are going to ask questions about why you have a bullet in you.
01:20:11
Speaker
And they seem really convinced that they're going to get away with all of this. They seem very confident that, that everything's come up mill house.
01:20:23
Speaker
I don't have confidence in the writer enough for them to get caught. I think he's right. I think they did. I think they're correct. I think these characters get away. I love like be right.
01:20:35
Speaker
That he's like, how did you know I'd robbed this bank or whatever? And they're like are you kidding me? You practically came in your pants. Yeah. It's just a, you're an idiot. You're an idiot. We get you to do anything. And you're really easily manipulated and you have no sense of boundaries and a lot of religious and parental trauma. So.
01:20:56
Speaker
Honestly, by the end of this movie as well, Travis, our lead, I don't think we ever said his name. His name was Travis. kind of ended up like Eli from the Amish movie last week, where the way this ends, like if he hadn't died, I would have seen this as a Batman villain origin story.
01:21:14
Speaker
And like, he's absolutely would have become a serial killer who targets blondes, right? Like that would have been his specific, like, he's like a cowboy kind of, he'd become like the cowboy serial killer.
01:21:29
Speaker
Who kills blondes. His name is, he doesn't have that. His name, he's just a serial killer named Tumbleweed. Bass! The Tumbleweed Killer.
01:21:40
Speaker
Like, when he had his eyes blacked out, like Batman under the cowl, when they were hiding. I was just like, this is, he's the Joker right now. he's This guy loves this. He's gonna get out of Arkham.
01:21:52
Speaker
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I mean... Yeah, that's the movie. That's movie, folks. Garrett, were you aroused? Scale of one to five.
01:22:05
Speaker
I hate that I have to say zero. What? Those boobies didn't do anything for you. Come on. the His religious trauma dumped on everything kind of killed my vibe, too.
01:22:20
Speaker
That's true. It does interrupt. And that in shot of his taint. The shot of his taint, the fact that it interrupts nice threesome moments to instead show you a horrible painting of a scary old man.
01:22:32
Speaker
ah and and love the Love the painting. Is, in fact, a bit of a boner killer, I will say. But like he was able to finish, so I don't know why you can't. But the thing is the sex scenes weren't sexy. They were funny.
01:22:46
Speaker
Yes, every single time. And it wasn't. And it wasn't like the ladies were doing anything funny. It was 100% Stephen Baldwin is Doyle from Biodome. Yes. 100% of the time. And he is making goofy cum faces. He's thinking about his dad too much while he's having sex. He is laying like a little baby in a weird way. He's sweating in and just a comedic amount. There's too much. Oh, I just realized that the the reason for him laying like that in the bathtub was that they needed one leg to like artfully be hiding his cock.
01:23:24
Speaker
And so that was probably why he was in that weird position.
01:23:32
Speaker
I think that what's the director of this movie's name? Like I see him getting in the picture. He's named Dwayne Clark. He's like, I don't know, Dwayne. I feel like this might look kind of gay.
01:23:46
Speaker
Um... Yeah, I mean, like, every now and then you'll catch a nipple and you'll be like, They're pretty ladies. They're very pretty ladies. And I'm always happy to see the lady from from Nightmare on Elm Street 3. I mean, she showed up in in The Crush. But...
01:24:05
Speaker
Stephen Baldwin, like I do think that Stephen Baldwin's a handsome man, but his acting in this movie is, I i genuinely feel like I'm just watching Doyle in Biodome be a simple farmer rather than a pothead with Polly Shore. He's much more believable as a pothead than he is as a simple farm boy I will say, religious drama.
01:24:32
Speaker
you What number you giving it? I'll give it a.5 because the ladies had nice boobs. They did. I have no complaints. No complaints. They kissed some while he wasn't there. That was okay.
01:24:44
Speaker
Actually. Yeah, but now that's weirder now that I know that they're sisters. Oh, no. Damn it. so Damn it.
01:24:55
Speaker
They're sisters who clearly have their own weird trauma going on. That's messed up. Okay. I'm so sorry. Oh my God. He was literally not. I mean, I guess they had to be doing it when he stuck his face against the door frame to peek in which he did during that scene.
01:25:15
Speaker
So I guess like it was part of the act, but yeah, it's sisters. So that's weird. I really liked the one, the British gal's lingerie when she was in the hotel room. Yeah. and was like It was like, cause she was like undressing while reading him poetry.
01:25:29
Speaker
Yes, and which is the only reason presumably he stayed through the but I take back. If there is promise of sex or nudity... You will listen to poetry? Let's see where the poem goes as long as it's not over four paragraphs. yeah
01:25:46
Speaker
I take it back. I go one. I go one because... Because? Because. sexy lingerie? Yeah, it's good. Were you thrilled?
01:25:57
Speaker
Yeah. yeah Yeah. Thrilled, confused, shot that old man, that sheriff do doodly do dude right into a bullet. ah You know what? It does keep you sort of... it It's...
01:26:11
Speaker
It has a few sort of boring moments, but for the most part, you're like, all right, like, you know, the whole time that these two are up to something. You just
Mixed Feelings & Amusement with Baldwin
01:26:20
Speaker
don't. It does make you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what their game is exactly.
01:26:26
Speaker
And the answer is they don't really have one. They're they're just in it for the love of fucking with Steve Baldwin. yeah I think you saying that the movie is kind of boring. I saw other people say that I was never bored, but I think your enjoyment of the movie kind of depends on how enthralled by Stephen Baldwin's performance you are, yes which I was really.
01:26:48
Speaker
Yeah. yeah I agree. There are lots of moments that would be boring, except for the fact that his face is so stupid looking that you can't help, but just be delighted.
01:27:03
Speaker
To look at it If you watch this and take a shot every time half his face pushes against a door or door frame or chicken goop. will die going have You're going have a fun watch. This is i I stand by. This was a fun movie. This is a movie. People should get together with friends and watch. This movie is fun. You should absolutely have some sort of substance and some friends and ah have a ah contest to see who can replicate his face the best, because it seems, it seems like it should be easy, but it's not. You need almost a Jim Carrey level of like rubbery face yeah to get that exact lip movement. So I think people could have a lot of fun with this one. Stephen Baldwin does have a podcast called One Bad Movie.
01:27:51
Speaker
And I bet he's talked about it. It seems like he's pretty open to talk about the bad stuff he's been in So I think that he would... i wonder if he has an episode about this. I'd be very curious.
01:28:02
Speaker
I would be too.
Thrill Score & Comedic Criticism
01:28:04
Speaker
So Garrett, what are you going to give it as far as a score thrills? Oh, a thrill score... I'm around two and a half.
01:28:15
Speaker
two and a half three i think like is fair it wasn't like a super thrilling movie but it did keep me guessing and on the edge of my seat a little bit and also found out i didn't understand it yeah yeah we still don't thought i did i thought i did but i don't so yeah i'll give it a two and a half or a three i'm right in that range with you and would you ruin your life for these blondes garrett i think i would but now you like really ruined it for me when i remembered they were sisters
01:28:47
Speaker
Which I guess is me as the third party. I'm trying to decide how disgusted I am by that now. I mean, a lot of people are into that as a genre. It seems to be the genre.
01:29:02
Speaker
No, don't you remember the the twins ads from our youth? No. It was like a beer commercial where they were like, I love whatever this and this. And twins. The idea of being like two hot ladies. Hell yeah.
01:29:21
Speaker
That look identical and both want to have sex with you. Yeah. That's a thing that people are into. That went away though, didn't it? It sure did. I this would have been during the same time frame. But it would have been during because it was during the So.
01:29:35
Speaker
so I guess before, when I thought they were just a British lady and a Southern gal, yes, the siblings thing gets me. puts a little i think no, I guess then.
01:29:49
Speaker
Okay, but like if you are in Adam Baldwin's shoes and you don't know their sisters, you're absolutely ruining your life for these ladies. Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot. Of course I'm going to ruin my life. Am I going to rob this bank? Yes. Am I going to let them cut my hair? Yes. Am I going to let them teach me how to do it doggy style in the shower?
01:30:09
Speaker
Yes. i I will give you. That's the the stupidest part of all. He would have just given them the coin collection.
01:30:21
Speaker
Like you would have, wouldn't you? You'd be like, yeah, yeah, here's my, here's Pop Pop's. Confederate coin collection. Take them. Thank you for showing me the magic of your hots of your tits.
01:30:33
Speaker
I appreciate all of it. Stay here. This man had no boundaries. They could have asked and he would have given it. He was already letting them stay at his house. Yeah, i mean, their agreement was like, her agreement could not help him around the farm.
01:30:49
Speaker
Yeah, ah she was not very helpful. she She was as good at that as she wasn't dusting, which is bad. Like when they tell him though, that your dad gave away all the money, you get the farm. And he basically said, work as hard as me and you'll make something of yourself. And he's just like, dad, do you know how many tumbleweeds I'm going to have to incinerate to make them?
01:31:12
Speaker
So many tumbleweeds. Yeah. It's so dumb. They should have just asked. He would have given it to them. The man has no boundaries whatsoever. Garrett would have given it to you I would have given it to you I don't want it I'm trying to get rid of my religious trauma ah if I'm Stephen Baldwin here and that is just a symbol of of my dad and his the trauma give them his coin collection
01:31:40
Speaker
so yeah I would not have ended up in the same situation as him because I wouldn't have gotten mad when I found out they were conning me would have been like yeah that makes sense That checks out. was kind of wondering what was going on here. I'm not pulling a gun on them because like,
01:31:58
Speaker
You got me. You got me. here's the Here's daddy's coins. You guys want to stay for one last threesome before you hit the road? ah Just one. just was Okay. how about How about you just take your top off and I'll so stand here and look from behind this doorframe. Here, can you put on my mom's blouse again?
01:32:16
Speaker
Yeah, put on my mom's blouse. I'll stand with my face smooshed into a doorframe and I'll occasionally look at a painting of my dad.
01:32:25
Speaker
and there's like you need therapy sir i know this is 1993 in the south but yeah there's no way this town this town with its one a hotel and its one diner does not have a therapist in the area you're gonna have to take the train all the way to watkins or whatever i don't know the sheriff seemed like somebody to talk to but he do doodly dood his way to heaven into All all right Actually, the stroll never broke. He went straight through the gate, still in motion. Still doodly doodly doodly and on his way to say hello to St. Peter.
01:33:05
Speaker
Well, i know we need to wrap up because you're running out of time here, but I do want to say i did a double feature of Stephen Baldwin Erotic Thrillers kit.
Teasing 'Zebra Lounge' & Wrap-up
01:33:15
Speaker
There's a second one, and I hope to God there's a third. And let me tell you, the second one, also worth watching.
01:33:21
Speaker
Very different. Are we doing that one? wow Are we doing that one next? gary got I gotta. Let's do it. You guys can watch it with us because we're telling you ahead of time. that This is us. just think We're planning.
01:33:35
Speaker
Just to give you an idea, it is a married couple who wants to do a little swinging, but the swingers that they end up with are Stephen Baldwin and Christy Swanson, and they're a little like the cable guy.
01:33:52
Speaker
goody. It's insane. Ready to do more Stephen Baldwin. I'm not done with the Baldwin family. What's that one called again? Zebra Lounge. Oh, what a title. All right.
01:34:05
Speaker
Y'all go enjoy Zebra Lounge and ah we'll chat about it next time here on the Erotic Thriller Club. Rate, review, subscribe, leave a comment, add eroticthrillerclub on Instagram, eroticthrillerclub at gmail.com, questions, comments, concerns, suggestions. We love you. Thank you for watching. Incinerate your tumbleweeds, wet your snails.
01:34:26
Speaker
We want to shake you naked and eat you alive. Mika lives. My dog moves! Thank you, Amish God.