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Zebra Lounge (2001)
71 Plays23 days ago
The Erotic Thriller Club couldn't get enough of Stephen Baldwin and had to go back for seconds. Have you ever thought that The Cable Guy would be better if it were about couples swinging and starred Stephen Baldwin & Kristy Swanson? Have we got the movie for you!
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Transcript
Introduction to the Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, some high-end stereo equipment and gather around your radio. It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.
Exploring Zebra Lounge: A Swinging Misadventure
00:00:26
Speaker
Antithesis, mysterious and dangerous And oh yes, they've got the sexiest movies out of the edges So if you're fatally attracted to the racier stuff Arotic Film Club Basically instinctively crave the salacious Arotic Film Club If you want a racier movie and you're too classic for smart
00:01:09
Speaker
In 1996, Jim Carrey released his critically panned movie, The Cable Guy. It wasn't until years later that it gained a cult following and was deemed ahead of its time. However, that didn't stop a team in 2001 from thinking, what if we rip off The Cable Guy, but make it sexy, about swinging gone wrong, and grab whatever Baldwin says yes?
00:01:31
Speaker
Can I be 100% certain that's what happened? No. The only evidence I have is that I watched the movie. This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, Zebra Lounge.
00:01:43
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's Beat in the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here. And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions.
00:01:53
Speaker
Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would i ruin my life for this person?
Timing Confusions and Baldwin Focus
00:02:00
Speaker
Kit.
00:02:02
Speaker
The year is 2025. Thanksgiving is upon us. As of this record, it's already happened. I guess that dates when we recorded this. Are you thankful for the... Wait, this is coming out in December. Why aren't we doing a Christmas episode? We're doing a Baldwin's again?
00:02:17
Speaker
oh no. What have we done? I didn't even consider that. i was just like, yeah, we're still in we're still in November. No, we we screwed up. We should be in Christmas time now. Sorry, folks. You get a Baldwin for the first day of Christmas. Merry Christmas. Here's your present. It's Stephen Baldwin's O-Face.
00:02:36
Speaker
Isn't that what you had on your list? Isn't that what you asked? Dear Santa, for Christmas this year, all I want is Stephen Baldwin's horrible O-Face. i Okay, so I know you did you were you text me that your husband had a problem with this movie. Yes. ah About 30 minutes in ah when Stephen Baldwin was making a particularly egregious face, he did say, quote...
00:03:06
Speaker
this is ruining sex for me. So, brand new marriage. Brand new marriage. Ink's not even dry on the marriage certificate. And sex has been ruined by Stephen Baldwin.
00:03:19
Speaker
You all have been together over 10 years. 15, actually. Hey, if something goes wrong... i yeah I am not allowing you. There are plenty of things that I would let you blame on Stephen Baldwin. This is not. Global You know, like, but and this is not. But he it he did say it was. I mean, Garrett, are you picturing Stephen Baldwin's face and the little squinty, like, goofy smile he does when you when you think about whether or not you'll let Stephen Baldwin take responsibility for this one?
00:03:59
Speaker
Once again, while watching this, which I honestly, this one I was kind of mad I had to watch again because I watched this but the Stephen Baldwin double feature at the beginning of November. Obviously, I needed a refresher on this film.
00:04:13
Speaker
I like him. I like Stephen Baldwin, okay? I'm doubling down on i'm not This doesn't have anything to do with his Hannah Montana, the Hannah Montana that we talked about last week or the Jesus thing.
00:04:28
Speaker
On screen, no i enjoy watching Stephen Baldwin. No. You enjoyed watching him rail that lady. That beautiful lady. You enjoyed that face he made.
00:04:42
Speaker
You know the face. I know what face he made, but I also think, I talked about it last time, yeah i really think that seeing Biodome at a young age really...
00:04:53
Speaker
shit like shaped my, formed my opinion of Stephen Baldwin in general. You would let Stephen Baldwin fuck your wife. I'm not saying that, but I'm saying that I'll watch him fuck somebody else's wife in a movie.
Zebra Lounge's Style and Visual Comparisons
00:05:08
Speaker
So this movie was 2001. Oh, you can tell. yeah Kit, I literally could not tell it was 2001. How? thought it was, I'm not joking. He's wearing a long black trench coat indoors because he saw The Matrix to you like a year ago.
00:05:27
Speaker
Kit, before I looked up the year that this movie was made, I thought it was made in 1994. Yeah. but so Oh, you say you couldn't tell because you thought it was earlier than that. See, no, for me, it has the stink on it. The desperate, sweaty, distinct smell of a 2000s joint that is true that does not know it is the 2000s yet. And it still thinks that everything from 1994 is cool.
00:05:59
Speaker
So you brought up his matrix, his floor length matrix trench coat. Yes, sir. And I brought up in the intro that this movie is basically sexy cable guy, if you want to call it.
00:06:12
Speaker
Don't yell at me about the word sexy. yeah I was going let it slide, but yeah, now that you mention it, I should let make you take that back. Because the way the movie's shot, I really thought to myself, this looks old. it feels like it For a while, I was like, oh man, the cable guy ripped this off.
00:06:31
Speaker
And then... And then I saw the Matrix coat and I'm like, man, I guess the Matrix saw this and was like, dress him like Baldwin in Zebra Lounge. Yeah, that was exactly what the Wachowskis were thinking when they made their seminal masterpiece, The Matrix, is like, what if we made him look like Stephen Baldwin in Zebra Lounge? Hey, you would say the same thing about the Cable Guy directed by Ben Stiller, written by Judd Apatow.
00:06:59
Speaker
What year did Swordfish come out? Because I was definitely getting Swordfish vibes. I was getting Swordfish vibes from the opening intro with like, ah you know, it if if it were ah like binary or like like tech, like like hacker nonsense ah instead of personals ads, it would have been Swordfish-esque or other like hacker themed movie from this time period.
00:07:28
Speaker
What's funny, like Swordfish is a movie that I think any of us only remember because it was the first movie we saw Halle Berry's boobs. And she charged them $2 million dollars to show her boobs in that movie. $1 million per boob? Love that for her. I remember watching her say that exactly in like a like on Jay Leno or something.
00:07:49
Speaker
And that is the only thing I remember about that movie. That can't possibly be the only thing you remember. Do you, come on, there's the blowjob while he's trying to hack. That is the iconic scene from Swordfish, is that he needs to hack- That sounds awesome, but no, don't. needs to hack a thing while he's getting a beach, and he can't concentrate, because that's the test to become an elite hacker whatever.
00:08:19
Speaker
I don't remember that, but that sounds cool. But I think there are more scenes in this movie that I'm not going to forget.
Suburban Swinging and Marital Dynamics
00:08:27
Speaker
Stop it. Do tell.
00:08:30
Speaker
i don't, I mean, I don't want to just jump straight to the end, but I mean, just to give you an idea for those of you who haven't seen the cable guy. Yeah, yet that may be a significant number of people. You may want to give ah folks ah a quick a quick recap if you're going to be continually making this comparison. This comparisones his reference. Yeah, in The Cable guy Matthew Broderick is waiting for The Cable Guy to come. The Cable Guy is Jim Carrey. His friend Jack Black tells him, hey, if you slip The Cable Guy 50 bucks, he'll give you illegal cable and give you all the channels.
00:09:02
Speaker
He ends up asking Jim Carrey to do that. Jim Carrey turns out to be insane and won't leave him alone and just wants to be his best friend. He just keeps showing up in his life and gradually ruining it.
00:09:14
Speaker
This movie is a married man and his his wife. They have kids. They are bored with their marriage. They are coded to be the most like Sears catalog ah suburbanite normie couple ever.
00:09:33
Speaker
um But yes, they have lost the spark. I mean, honestly, you know your marriage is on the rocks when your your wife leans over and is like, you want to put some lotion on my back?
00:09:47
Speaker
And he says, no, i don't want these papers to get greasy. he doesn't want to ruin his business papers. not Not, oh, I'm too stressed from work.
00:09:59
Speaker
I'm too tired. Just, I don't want these papers to get greasy. So, I don't want, nu you know, sexily touch my wife's body.
00:10:12
Speaker
That's sad, bro. That's genuinely sad. I would understand if you're like, no, I'm so stressed about this big promotion I'm going for. I don't have any sex drive. That's something you could relate to. But these papers getting greasy is not ah ah does not compute.
00:10:28
Speaker
Well, he does have a big promotion coming up, Kit. He doesn't mention that! He could be the VP of business soon. Yes, this man has a classic erotic thriller capital B business job where he has big clients that need to be impressed.
00:10:46
Speaker
Clients for what? It doesn't matter. Are these clients that also, by the way, happen to want audiovisual equipment? Well, yes. Yes, they are. Because they're big, important clients
00:10:59
Speaker
for business. But either way, the couple gets bored and they end up reaching. We'll get into that in a minute. But like essentially they they try to swing. They end up with the couple that is Stephen Baldwin and Christy Swanson.
00:11:13
Speaker
had a crush on Christy Swanson as a kid. You know, she's Buffy the Vampire Slayer kid. no The OG Buffy. I mean, OK, I'd never actually seen the original Buffy.
00:11:25
Speaker
Nineties babe Christy Swanson. Didn't mean anything to me. She's very pretty. ah She didn't take her top off the whole time though. So I'm a little peeved at her that like the other lady in the movie shows her boobs and Christy Swanson does not.
00:11:39
Speaker
Honestly, at this, in this movie, Christy Swanson, even though she's this far removed from the nineties, like where she was in the things I think of as Buffy, the vampire slayer in the first hot shots movie.
00:11:53
Speaker
and then later she played Christy boner and dude, where's my car? Love that for her. I think the year before this movie. So her star power was fading. That being said, she ain't taking off that bra.
00:12:07
Speaker
I have to take that bra for zebra lounge. Respect girl. Do you? I respect it a hundred percent, but in a movie like this, just cast somebody who will.
00:12:19
Speaker
That's true. This is like, um I think it was a made for TV movie in Canada. So I think this may have been a government funded situation. Government funded these, these boobs, the government, the government of Canada paid for Stephen Baldwin's O-Face.
00:12:36
Speaker
I like that. They're just sitting around with a box of Tim bits. Just like, I don't know. What about, has anybody ever wanted to see Stephen Baldwin have sex? I've been curious.
00:12:47
Speaker
i mean, yeah yeah. I'd watch that. and it's just steven baldwin and a fake mustache like don't we want to watch steven baldwin fuck two chicks uh no i think it never occurred to me mr bladwin bladwin alec bladwin
00:13:16
Speaker
But either way, i'm so all I'm saying is i do think... That if you just ah saw Stephen Baldwin, you didn't have the Stephen Baldwin-ness of it in your head. Like, if you got ah neuralized from Men in Black to not know who Stephen Baldwin is, you may have been okay with him for a while.
00:13:36
Speaker
No. I think he is not an... He's handsome. Are you kidding me? No, when they meet this couple at the titular Zebra Lounge... Like this couple gives off so many red flags immediately.
00:13:50
Speaker
They, they, their whole vibe is so wrong. And there is absolutely no way in which I let that man put a single hand on me. Simply not.
00:14:04
Speaker
Yeah. But I think you have to look at it from the perspective of the husband who thought Christy Swanson was really hot. I also think Christy Swanson's really hot. And if Christy Swanson wants to join as our third, sure. But I'm not letting that greaseball husband or boyfriend of hers anywhere near my vagina. Simply no. Absolutely not.
Swinging Experience: Comedy and Consequences
00:14:32
Speaker
So let's break down a little bit. and We know that the marriage is not going well. We see him at work. Things are, he's got a ah work enemy in Neil something.
00:14:45
Speaker
Neil's not, Neil is like classic movie dick. And I love that they made him so short. That was. Yeah. Yeah. They really wanted to emasculate him, even as they were showing the many ways in which he is superior to our lead. Alan, I guess was the character's name, Alan and Wendy, the normies. Yeah.
00:15:05
Speaker
um And I love that all it took was a girl just being like, it seemed like you were flirting with me all week. And he takes a sip of Pepsi and ends up at her house. Yes. Yes, he does. And apparently he kisses her and then immediately comes home and confesses because he's desperate to save the marriage. And then weirdly, like, the movie cuts right there. Like, they didn't finish the conversation. i was left as blue-balled as he was having left her house because she doesn't say like, anything to that other than, like, you know, I... ah i
00:15:44
Speaker
Yeah, let's just go to bed. Like, they they just it just cuts. Like, it doesn't, they don't finish the conversation. But point is, they decide they're going to go to a sex shop. And these people are such straight-edge losers that they're like, do you think our minivan is going to be safe here in this neighborhood? This neighborhood that has a sex shop in it with a bunch of, like...
00:16:08
Speaker
alt-looking white people inside, you know, with piercings and stuff. Like, whoa, i don't know, man. places This is a little scary.
00:16:19
Speaker
and They were Midwest parent afraid of the city, for sure. Yes, yes. They were absolutely my dad when I moved to Chicago. yeah ah And and they're they're such children. They're like laughing at everything in the sex shop. They're so obviously uncomfortable.
00:16:37
Speaker
like and He basically picks up a magazine that's like, look at these titties. There's titties in this magazine. I know. Like, he'd never heard of such a thing before. He didn't know you could put titties in a magazine. He was excited, though. Honestly, i felt happy for him because it seemed like he found something he really, really needed in his life.
00:17:00
Speaker
Yes. And it turns out it's not just like a sex magazine. It's a swingers magazine, um, this is a relic of a bygone era, i suppose. Um, where if you wanted somebody so to, so to wife swap with, you could put an ad in a swears magazine, i guess.
00:17:23
Speaker
Um, Okay, I need to discuss with you the next thing they decide to do. Because at first they're like, we don't want to call up strangers. That's weird. yep And so instead, they they they're clearly a little tipsy. And they're going through his little personal phone book contact list thing.
00:17:42
Speaker
And deciding which couples they would consider having sex with. I've never played this game with my wife. right I've never considered playing it. yet but now I really want to I do but at the same time it felt very icky to me it was such a weird place start alphabetically right like I am then again John and I were like I don't know like how do you decide if you're a swinger like who and and you don't want to go looking for strangers how how do you do how do you start this conversation and I would have watched the fuck out of that movie where they're like approaching the Thompson's
00:18:23
Speaker
trying to casually bring up at a dinner party that we're thinking about doing swinging and what you'd be interested in or like trying to organize a key party who organizes the key parties that you hear about Garrett I don't know Well, i don't think you organize it like a Christmas party, though. I think it's i feel like a key party, there's probably a lot more strangers, and that it is a Craigslist situation, or this magazine in 2001.
00:18:53
Speaker
But I like that as we see them go through, we even get inside jokes where they finally get to W, and they're like, the Wakefields!
00:19:02
Speaker
What do you think's wrong with the Wakefields? Do you think they're just squares or unbuckable? I think they're unfuckably ugly is what I was going. and That's the vibe I it got is that they were just hideous to look upon are're extremely, extremely um boring potentially.
00:19:22
Speaker
Have you ever known any swingers?
00:19:26
Speaker
Uh, not since like college. I was a popular choice for a while there in college for couples looking for a third.
00:19:39
Speaker
Um, I didn't often take anyone up on it, but I was offered multiple times, uh, to be the third, nice for, for,
00:19:50
Speaker
For an evening or so, ah one couple was interested in making it a more regular occurrence. And I was like, nah, it's not it's not for me. But like, you know, we're chill.
00:20:04
Speaker
I like, though, that you had enough people doing it that you could be choosy. Yeah, yeah. it happened the The fact that it happened more than once at all is is wild to me. um But it did, that that I was at least offered more than more than one occasion. I guess because, you know, I'm non-threatening and I am bi, so, you know, they knew I'd be interested both them. Yeah, because y'all are freaks. Yeah, we're freaks. We're absolute freaks. And I wasn't attached to anyone at the time. So, you know, that was fine. As for like couples looking for another couple, i don't think so. What about you?
00:20:43
Speaker
I've known two. Two separate couples. And i mean, i don't I can't say that I have the scientific research to to back this up, but the two couples I know were in a very similar situation with each other. Which one?
00:21:01
Speaker
A couple who had gotten together a little too young, probably, that they'd been together so long. And in both couples, it was a very nerdy husband and a wife who got hot.
00:21:16
Speaker
Yeah. Actually, that describes a lot of the couples that that talk to me. that That describes almost, yeah, all of them as, yes, Yep, yep. Where the wife had a glow up at some point. Yeah, and a bi or bi-curious wife, you know? Yeah. near Who was... who was ah He was punching above his weight.
00:21:39
Speaker
And then... ah You know, good for them. Listen, I i don't judge what anybody is going to do as consenting adults. This movie, on the other hand, clearly thinks that swinging is... um perver The most shameful thing you could possibly do. Yes, it is it is weirdly moralizing.
00:22:01
Speaker
Because the vibe it's taking is definitely similar to the the vibes of movies we've watched where like one person is cheating and then a bunch of terrible things happen to them because they were cheating. And some part of you is supposed to be like, aha, you deserve this for your sexual and moral impropriety. But all they did was have consensual sex as adults with other adults. Like they didn't do anything especially wrong, but the movie definitely thinks that they did. Well, and the problem is one, they're dealing with psychopaths. Yes. Also, i get I guess I didn't, the carrot that they're dangling in front of the married couple is that they're worried about the,
00:22:48
Speaker
that their lives are going to get ruined the, his wife is a part time worker at a children's museum that everyone will know that she had sex with somebody.
00:23:00
Speaker
Right. And, and here's the thing. Maybe the museum would fire her. I don't know. People have gotten fired for stupider things before, but like it's a part time income. I think they'd survive. This is not their main, you know, if he gets this VP promotion and business, then you really don't need to worry about it. but yeah kids need brace this kids At one point they threatened to show the sex tape to child protective services who wrote that down to possibly give less of a fuck about the, like there are no children involved. They are at a a third location. It is not even in the same home as the children live. There's no way CPS cares.
00:23:44
Speaker
It depends who's working there. If it were me, I would be like, let me get a look at that tape. man I'm going to need to analyze this tape a little more carefully. Yeah. It's like, I'm going to take this tape home. I got some research to do with this. You'll get it back. And it's like, oh yeah, no, you didn't do, this was consensual sex from two adults. This is, I hope you don't mind. I made a copy. yeah Also great, great camera work and footage, by the way, where did you get those cameras? Oh, from, okay, well let me buy ah some of those too. It's a, bright it actually works as a so a sales pitch.
00:24:19
Speaker
I love any movie where it's like, ah yeah oh, we secretly filmed you without your knowledge. And here's the camera angle that we apparently got, which is the exact footage from the movie. Like someone was standing a foot away from that woman's tits while filming her. And she apparently had no idea because she did not know this porno was being made and professionally edited. Yeah.
00:24:50
Speaker
yeah Yeah, they definitely had a director on set for their swing. Somebody made sure to get just the right camera angle of those boobs on the glass so that they could crop Stephen Baldwin just barely in the frame so that you got to see, because she's up against the window, double the tits and less of Stephen Baldwin, which was extraordinary camera work. It's beautifully done.
00:25:15
Speaker
You don't see his face at all in that shot. That's I think it's so insane to say that this movie ruins sex because there are a couple like genuinely pretty hot moments of this movie. Yeah, well, Stephen Baldwin's face is just that disgusting.
00:25:32
Speaker
it that's I cannot describe for the audience enough the weird like squinty eyes and big gaping smile and shit-eating look on his face with his eyebrows up. It's horrifying. It looks like a demented clown and it does kind of ruin the moment.
00:25:55
Speaker
Except, as I said, for when the camera guy is smart enough to cut him his face out of the frame. Yeah. Well, I do want to talk about how they, excuse you know, obviously they go through their Rolodex and yes they can't bang any couples.
00:26:12
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Nobody we know. It'd be too weird to see what's her name at work later. You know, they go through all the usual excuses. Yeah, it's definitely not- seem had fun time talking about it. It did. It seemed like they had a lot of fun talking about And honestly, they probably should have just stopped there because like she's crawling across the floor to have sex with him as they're talking about it. But he's like, no, we should actually do it. We should put an ad in the Swingers magazine.
00:26:42
Speaker
And so they take out their ad. I did. um I what? Oh, yeah, please. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Read the ah read. i did I did. Of course. Right. Curious, but yellow.
00:26:54
Speaker
So are we happy, but restless suburbanites seek twin sparks to rekindle flame. Dirty minds, meticulously clean bodies.
00:27:05
Speaker
We expect the same of you or no go. And Stephen Baldwin's first thought, obviously, is they sound sexy and clean, but it does sound like they have jaundice.
00:27:17
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. yeah The word choice was was definitely strange. and What do we mean a 60s western?
00:27:28
Speaker
right Garrett, your your first thought had to have been, because mine was, that like when you see Stephen Baldwin reading the ad to Christy and being like, ooh, your first thought was they found the perfect mark, right? That these people are are scammers, con artists, robbers, murderers,
00:27:52
Speaker
sex fiends who are going to ruin these, these suburbanites lives. And they have found their perfect mark with, and cause they kept it when they do meet our main couple there, they keep mentioning like, this is your first time, right? You don't know what you're doing. They get so much information out of them so quickly while revealing nothing about their own lives. It seems very obvious that we are setting up that these are scammers or bad people with bad intentions. And then it turns out, no. They just, cable guy style, want to be your best friends. They are genuinely in love with you. They want a long-term relationship. Everything they're doing is out of the genuine place of love and respect. Yes, yes. And it seems to me like you could make this movie from their perspective. And I would love to see it where- That's so funny. What the real plot is, is like, we are, you know, swingers who we were looking for someone to have like a long-term- you know, friendship and relationship with, and these, and we're a little alt, you know, we got long hair and we dress kind big chokers and stuff, you know, we're, do we have tattoos? I know, right?
00:29:12
Speaker
And, and these suburbanites think we are good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to see socially. And that is genuinely hurtful. And ah we are rightly offended. So as a hilarious goof,
00:29:29
Speaker
We ruin their lives by showing up unexpectedly in places where ah our presence as alternative ninety s people will embarrass them.
00:29:42
Speaker
Which their presence that embarrasses them is basically showing up to a kid's birthday party and Christy Swanson is wearing a shirt that shows her belly. Mm-hmm. That's literally the only thing they do. Other than she flirts with everyone at the party.
00:29:57
Speaker
Yes, she flirts with everyone at the party and they they weren't invited. It is wrong to show up to things you weren't invited to. um This movie shows you a prejudice that you you don't think about. yes The prejudice against trendy whites.
00:30:13
Speaker
but Yes. I didn't know this was a ah type of prejudice I needed to be aware of. my What are my own internal biases against ah guys in trench coats and girls who wear big choker necklaces? Yeah.
00:30:31
Speaker
and It's funny too, because Stephen Baldwin, yes, like these two are absolute nut jobs in this movie. Oh no, don't get me wrong. They are crazy bad people. And the vibes you get from them immediately are bad. But like, if you're looking at objective evidence in the beginning, all it is, is that they are too weird and we don't want your weird sex stuff to invade our perfect, pristine suburban lives. Yeah.
00:31:01
Speaker
Which regardless of him being an insane, he's a great businessman. businessman. And seemingly successful. but Yeah, they have money for big TVs and stuff. Like he gets, he's he's great at business. he does He makes sales. But that's the thing is like here, if you if you had wanted ah to have ah boundaries, you know, with your sex life, which is totally fine. If you had wanted to have like, these are people we have sex with and we don't want them anywhere near our kids. We don't want them anywhere near our friends. We want to have these two parts of our lives completely separate. That's fine. But then you shouldn't have told them within, don't know, 24 hours of meeting them. Hold on.
00:31:44
Speaker
Where you live, where you work, the names of your co-workers, that you have two young children, that you're up for a promotion, where your wife works. Like, they tell them everything about their lives and then are shocked when these people want to be friends.
00:32:03
Speaker
Well, and like the, when they meet them themselves, they say like, oh, we don't do this at our own house. We like to leave our lives separate from this, but still get picked up. The the married couples still give them their address. Yes. come Get them.
00:32:19
Speaker
yeah Which is basic first date protocol. Do not meet at a... It's like, don't let a guy pick you up for your first like time that you might have sex with him.
00:32:35
Speaker
Because then you can't leave. This is basic safety rules every woman should know. And this couple is just like, Wow, they showed up in a limo to pick us up for our date. Well...
00:32:48
Speaker
genuinely funny line in that too like there are funny lines in there there are absolutely genuinely very funny like there are moments uh but when he stands up through the you know the sun sunroof and says a glass of champagne for anyone who can guess what louise is doing to me right now i just kidding but to shout that at a married couple whose kids are looking out the window Yes, is wild. Terrible parent in this movie. Which again, is why you should have agreed ahead of time to meet at a goddamn hotel bar that you drive to yourself.
00:33:27
Speaker
if If you're so convinced you want to keep this separate from your real life, why did you tell them your home address, you weirdo? Why did you call them from work? That's insane that he does have his work number. It's so funny, though, when he's on the phone with him at work being like, hey, yeah, I want to bang your wife. I want to bang your wife, too. And the boss comes in and just starts saying like, Neil Bradley, Paul McGrew, and just naming names. And that Stephen Baldwin's on the other end going, who's Neil Bradley?
00:33:57
Speaker
Who's Paul McGrew? And you just keep telling him. Yes. it And honestly, his curiosity of those names is hilarious in itself. And I love that he is a ride or die friend because all all this dude has to say is, oh, Neil's this prick I work with. And Stephen Baldwin's 100% in. He's like, I hate that guy.
00:34:18
Speaker
That guy sucks. You deserve that promotion way more than him. Like, but what what a supportive friend. he's he's a Honestly, he's your friend till the end, just like Chucky.
00:34:29
Speaker
One thing I need to bring up, though, before we get too far away from it, is they do create a P.O. o box yeah for their swinger letters that they put in the magazine or whatever.
00:34:40
Speaker
and when they you Are you trying to talk about the butt plug? Well, not just the butt plug. But when they go pick up their P.O. o box, the number of letters... Mm-hmm.
00:34:54
Speaker
is like san like letters to Santa level. Yes. Like they just as well have two bags. yeah And then I just love that they got such a response without having posted a photo.
00:35:08
Speaker
So it makes it seem like if all you're looking for is sex, it's easy to find. It's really easy to find out there. ah Yeah, they go through and um they're sent, ah you know, a bunch of letters and they're going through this pile and they find Stephen Baldwin's and they go with them.
00:35:28
Speaker
But one of the things they receive is a ah butt plug. It is not the Garrett. It is the world's smallest butt plug. i have been I mean, it is like the size of a pacifier. Yeah, for it may have actually been a pacifier. it may have actually been a pacifier. I was genuinely ah found that very hilarious. Like, I'm sorry, if you're trying to impress me, don't send me the tiny butt plug to prove that how cool sexy. That don't impress kid much.
00:36:01
Speaker
Send me the huge one so I know you are gaping. Otherwise, don't even call. You're revealing too much, Kit. i You know what? I don't even... i'm just saying, if you want to impress someone, if if you're... so Yeah, you're probably right. but When we get to our first sex scene with them where they end up at...
00:36:30
Speaker
this apartment or wherever they're doing their swinging the movie so quickly becomes just the epitome of a Cinemax late night movie.
00:36:44
Speaker
The music changes where it's just like, this is a long drawn out sex scene that is going to give somebody enough time to crank one out yeah before it gets to the next bit of dialogue. Absolutely. That is 100% what they're doing. And I do want to point out that our our couple does reject them at first. And then ah the Stephen Baldwin turns on the high-pressure sales tactics. Part of the deal, baby. Part of the deal, baby. And it is so off-putting. I found it deeply uncomfortable. um But I guess it's supposed to show what a great salesperson
00:37:24
Speaker
Baldwin's character is because it works. these These people are in bed. But like the stuff they're doing is like getting really way too personal saying like, you're not having affairs yet, are you? And like, you know, your marriage is on the rocks. You you gotta to you gotta to do something about it. And it's like, fuck you, you don't know me. Well, that's why it also makes it seem for so long like they've been stalking them prior to this or something. Like,
00:37:53
Speaker
but Like, how would you know? Nothing in my ad said our marriage is on the rocks. Please help us save it. In fact, said happy but curious.
00:38:03
Speaker
So do you think that they've done this before? That was the vibe I got. I don't know. the The waitress was giving me weird vibes, too, right? like She was in on it. Yeah.
00:38:16
Speaker
Like, the waitress was giving the couple weird looks, and I couldn't tell if it was number... ah Option one, um the Baldwin couple does this all the time, and holy shit, they found another mark, was my first thought. But then since it turned out they're genuinely loving, um committed people, I didn't think that worked. two Option two is um What are these normies doing here in our cool zebra lounge option three?
00:38:50
Speaker
ah Is they that she knows that um Stephen Baldwin is is a a volatile person. She doesn't want another fight to break out here.
00:39:03
Speaker
has gotten in a fight in a bar. He has gotten into a fight in a bar before. um Option four, she just doesn't like Baldwin. It's giving her vibes. Because she's definitely got suspicious like look on her face when she's looking at them.
00:39:17
Speaker
Hey, neither does a single person in the suburbs. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I was worried when they left their drinks with them. Yes. And then come back and keep drinking them because they seem insane. Like they seem scary.
00:39:32
Speaker
Super scary. there are There's red flag after red flag after red flag. And I get it. You guys have been out of the dating game a while, but come on. Basic safety protocols, especially when they're like, hey, this isn't our scene, but thanks. We had a nice time. We're going to go. And Baldwin's like,
00:39:52
Speaker
oh but please finish your drink and you're like why do you care if i have my drink or not would you do no it baldwin does have range in this movie and this is a situation where and when i say range he gets a full different voice when he goes quiet like there's a level of insanity in his quietness yes which again only serves as another red flag that these people should have been paying attention to is that he has such wild personality shifts
00:40:27
Speaker
So just because we don't have to go like full scene to scene on this or anything because it's, you know, the cable guy. But a couple like straight from the cable guy moments in this movie because after their sex meetup, which we talked about, tits on the glass, great.
Paranoia and Failed Murder Plot
00:40:42
Speaker
Great. behind. It's mostly Stephen Baldwin and the wife. And they're having what looks like an incredible time while Alan just has the most missionary sex with the pretty lady.
00:40:56
Speaker
Yeah, she does a couple like, ah you know, yoga-ish sort of moves where she's like showing off her body for the camera, but it doesn't look like it's really doing anything for him.
00:41:10
Speaker
It's all very performative, and it doesn't even look on his face. He looks a little uncomfortable half the time. Like maybe he didn't know. It's because most of the time he's peeking to the side watching his wife kiss Stephen Baldwin. Yeah.
00:41:23
Speaker
yeah But I like that the wife was just like, this is exactly what I want. Like the wife finally got the sex that she had been hoping for the entire movie. Yeah. Good for her. Good on you. But their marriage is fixed now. After this, they're like, we don't need this anymore. Our marriage is totally spiced back up. That was fun. We never need to do it again.
00:41:45
Speaker
And this is where they get insane. But maybe they wouldn't have gotten so crazy if Alan had just responded to any of the voicemails that Stephen Baldwin, because he had a great time. Yeah, it's not nice to ghost people, guys. Come on I ghosted one girl ever.
00:42:04
Speaker
And I want you to know this would have been in 2011, 2012.
00:42:09
Speaker
eleven twenty twelve It was before, it was like the last person i went on dates with before I got with my wife. And I ghosted her.
00:42:21
Speaker
And I hope she knows I have felt guilty about it ever since. Did she leave voicemails for you where she was like, hey, had a good time?
00:42:33
Speaker
busy? I did it after eight dates. And I did get a voicemail that was like, hey, I'm just, are you dead? oh like damn, Garrett.
00:42:44
Speaker
I ran into her four more times in Los Angeles. I may have told this story on the podcast ah at some point, like all of our run-ins. Like one time, the last time we ran into each other was we physically ran into each other at my job.
00:43:00
Speaker
Which is something that's only supposed to happen at the beginning of this movie as your meet cute, you know, like if your life is an erotic thriller, that's how you meet somebody. She was really nice and didn't deserve that. And yeah I'm sorry. There's really no good way to apologize now and I should just let it go. But I'm friends with every ex except this person who I did wrong. And I'm sorry.
00:43:25
Speaker
Yeah. And. Again, like, this is in my alternate universe version of the movie, like, where our art our real heroes, Stephen Baldwin and his wife, are are the wronged party here. Because they showed this couple a great time.
00:43:46
Speaker
got limo they got the the champagne steven baldwin even noticed that like the wife isn't enjoying her drink i remember what drink she ordered at the bar and i'm going to give her that drink like he is a classy gentleman he does need to learn though that his elephant-like memory is creeping them out Yes, that is fair.
00:44:11
Speaker
Because he remembers the names of the people that that were mentioned in the phone call. Neil Bradley, the prick. He thinks he's nailing it, though. He does. He's buying them all this stuff. he's On paper, this is a good set of friends.
00:44:29
Speaker
On paper. That's the thing is I feel torn because these are both perfectly normal if like alternative in the 2000s people who are being wronged by these this uptight suburbanite couple. And also they are psychotic red flag waving weirdos who are so obviously murderous psychopaths who will if you will wear your skin If you had just answered one voicemail, then maybe he wouldn't have had to murder somebody with a tire iron eventually. Yeah.
00:45:06
Speaker
Maybe. and you ever think about that? I want to point out that at they show up to the kids' birthday party on uninvited with gifts, by the way. Great gifts. Great gifts. And um John had already left. My husband had already left. He could not watch this movie anymore. And ah it was not long after that i was like, but hey, it turns out Stephen Baldwin could juggle.
00:45:32
Speaker
of course he can and john's response was stop naming red flags to me
00:45:42
Speaker
ah i get it what what other because does john watch most of these movies with you He does. Usually ah he can make it all the way through, but he doesn't like movies where it's just people making bad decisions. um And that's most of what we watch. It makes him anxious.
00:46:03
Speaker
If there weren't bad decisions. This genre could not exist. Yeah, I need. i need bad decisions. But a couple scenes that are straight out of the cable guy in the following scenes. Yes.
00:46:18
Speaker
He ends up getting a meeting with Paul McGrew they're going to go have a tennis. Him and his boss are going to go play doubles tennis with him at a club. Did you know this was a thing that business capital B business boys ah do? I knew golf was a thing where you discuss a business while golfing. I didn't think tennis really gave you the same like leisurely vibes as golf to discuss business during, but I'm, I am not a business boy. So what woe do I know? It's still an uppity like rich person game. It is still a rich person game. I love how drunk the camera was during this scene, by the way. It is. it it If you get motion sick, don't watch this part because it is all over the place.
00:47:05
Speaker
And obviously it goes well because Jack sold Paul McGrew whole bunch of electronics for the restaurants that he owns. And Jack teaches Alan the art of the deal, which maybe you have all of it written down. But the main one I remember for- any wrestling fans out there is to basically stare the person straight in the eyes and give them the people's eyebrow that the rock used to do and that is the closer baby it's gonna go 100% of the time friendly persistent questioning stare those are his four money Yeah.
00:47:45
Speaker
And again, like, first of all, it's rude that your technique involves something that not everyone can do, which is the slightly raised eyebrow. Not everybody can do that. Yeah. Okay. Show it off. Why don't you be an asshole? I'm sad. I can't do both though. Like the Jack black rays one at a time, like really fast. Always sad. I couldn't do that. Apparently he could close any deal. Jack black could with those eyebrows. That's the key to any, uh, sales tactic. Who wasn't the cable guy.
00:48:16
Speaker
I like, though, that he did such a good job closing this deal for him. Yes. That he goes back to his wife and he's like, well, we do have to just fuck them as a thank you. He literally says it seems rude not to. And then like dot, dot, dot. Like, it seems rude not to have sex with them after he helped me with my business.
00:48:36
Speaker
Businessing. And she's like, are you serious? And he's like, what? a And so, yeah, now it's time for weird pool calisthenics and we're going to try ecstasy. Caligula. Yeah.
00:48:52
Speaker
This like Roman Greek Caligula pool room. Yes. And we're we're having fun. The girls are kissing. The boys are not kissing because that would be gay. And we're not going to do even a little bit of gay shit here. This is this is 2001. We're not ready for that.
00:49:10
Speaker
So, yeah, the girls are are kissing. it's great. It's great. It's great. Don't get me wrong. No complaints. Like it actually raises the full star value of the eroticism of this movie from this scene.
00:49:25
Speaker
Absolutely. This is by far the sexiest of the sex scenes. And it's, it's no complaints for me other than Stephen Baldwin's face is in it.
00:49:36
Speaker
um I love the that when they pull up to the pool, Stephen Baldwin's in a speedo. Christy Swanson is in the pool and essentially lingerie and high heels. She's already wearing high heels underwater. You can see them.
00:49:52
Speaker
And I love that They're like, I thought we'd kick it up a notch. Have you ever tried ecstasy? And Alan's saying, I tried a quaalude in college once. Wow. Yeah, that's the only amount of weird you're allowed to be, according to this movie. You're allowed to have done one or two weird things in college, like smoke a little bit of weed or do one quaalude.
00:50:17
Speaker
But that's it Once you're out of college you can't do that stuff anymore You're a capital W weirdo Garrett have you done ecstasy? No I'm scared of science drugs Yeah, I haven't either. John has, and ah he correctly then, because I called him back into the room, I was like, I need your expertise as someone who has done ecstasy literally once to tell me how well this matches up to reality. He did not have an orgy while he was on it. He played Mario Kart, but apparently it is like that level of next level sensation
00:50:57
Speaker
seeking like feeling of everything um and then his comedown was a week long from that which is why he never did it a second time is because you do genuinely feel or at least he did depressed for a like a week to 10 days afterwards and that's clearly what's happening to ah our our wife here is that she' is she is feeling like shit the next day Even just taking mushrooms, your brain is so drained of serotonin the next day that I remember the first time I did that just being such an asshole and being confused as to why I was such an asshole. And then a friend of mine, Metal Dave, said, serotonin, man, it fucks you up.
00:51:45
Speaker
He's like, is your brain's all fucked up. I was like, thanks, Metal Dave. But yeah, no, I have a buddy who'd done quite a bit of ecstasy who was a raver in his day. And yeah I don't know. Raven seems like an asshole thing.
00:51:59
Speaker
I mean, clearly they're having a great time. And meanwhile, our our wife the next day is on the floor crying. Why don't you ever help me after like the blender ah fucks up and she's yelled at the kids. Yeah.
00:52:16
Speaker
The blender doesn't even fuck up. She has dumb, dumb brain and has stuff in a blender and is trying to mash it with a wooden spoon because she doesn't want to hear the noise. Yeah. Which ah the headache thing is a hangover thing, not an ecstasy thing. So you were on too many, too many drugs and too much stuff last night.
00:52:36
Speaker
Yeah, well, she's also worn out because at the sex thing, the husband basically didn't get involved. He's like over in the corner licking the wall because he's high out of his mind. It's Christy Swanson and Stephen Baldwin bang his wife in a pool. Yeah. Rubbing walls and like like staring at water droplets. Like he was not a member of that extas or the of that ah orgy.
00:53:02
Speaker
No, that's a fairly good point. But she's the one who now ah has turned because she is having this this negative reaction. She's like, all this is terrible. We've made a horrible mistake. I am now going to be back to being a good Catholic wife and I don't want any of this shit anymore.
00:53:19
Speaker
And OK, that's fine. But Stephen Baldwin's not going to stop showing up at your work. Yeah, he's going to show up at your work. He's going to beat the shit out of a guy with a tire iron. He's going to do a scene straight out of the cable guy again. well get Which one is this?
00:53:40
Speaker
Showing up to the house and just putting this enormous entertainment system in while you're away. Oh, yeah. That's straight out of the cable guy. That scene happens. That's a beat in the movie. Where where it's you can't hide this. This is this like, yeah, he broke into their house, uh, and, and gave them a big screen TV. ah well, while hilarious scene, um,
00:54:10
Speaker
Yeah, and and we see that our our our protagonist has mastered the art of the eyebrow because he closes the the big deal for his business and still loses out on the promotion, though. Finds out he had already lost out it. had already lost it. It was too late. And our ride-or-die good buddy Baldwin here is is here to help you out with a lug wrench or whatever.
00:54:36
Speaker
Just going to beat the ever-loving shit out of this dude in the parking lot. Well, he fucks his wife in the elevator because he's a good friend and he knows that that's a hard piece of news to take. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Good point. He was like, Christy, you go help him out.
00:54:54
Speaker
I'll beat this to guy to death with a tire iron. It's fine. like you know Normally I would want to be there for it, but he needs this right now. I assume is the conversation they had.
00:55:06
Speaker
And regardless of detective research or, you know, detect like the detective investigation, him killing Neil gets Alan the job. It does. He's next in line. He's next in line. And he's president rules where you just. po Oh, yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They still needed someone to fill the VP job. So you're up next, buddy.
00:55:29
Speaker
ah Every dog has his day is what his boss says. Yeah. I guess it was Neil's day. Yeah, seriously. Well, yeah, business doesn't stop just because a guy got tire ironed in the basement, which also Jack shows up to Stephen Baldwin shows up to his work and is talking to his boss and his boss is like, also, I bought a whole bunch of security equipment from Jack because there's no security cameras down there.
00:55:57
Speaker
So now nobody else is going to get tire ironed. So not only is Stephen Baldwin ah helping a brother out, ah he is making ah more more ah work for himself. Like he is he he is a job creator because he just created a need and then immediately filled it.
00:56:19
Speaker
ah But yeah, is the problem is... like the jack je of swinging He's like of swinging. Yes! Yes! But the problem is that the timeline doesn't look great because ah this bro was killed in a parking lot and the cop points out that like...
00:56:35
Speaker
You were last seen by the security guard leaving. Screaming at this man. Screaming at this man on the next elevator after him at like 1020.
00:56:47
Speaker
And then you didn't leave the parking lot until 1044. And he doesn't want to say because the cop is interrogating him in front of his wife. Yeah, that's because I was fucking a lady in the elevator for 24 minutes.
00:57:03
Speaker
Which is wild. They were tying up that elevator for 24 minutes, apparently? You think security would notice that it was stopped on between floors somewhere? And that somebody kept hitting, like, the closed door button, I guess.
00:57:20
Speaker
And so... and so Also, she bites his lip, so now it looks like he's been injured, I don't know, while tire ironing someone to death, maybe. And and his wife, he doesn't tell his wife about this.
00:57:35
Speaker
And it's so obviously because it's breaking the rules, right? There's no way that their their agreement on this included screwing the wife when neither you nor Stephen Baldwin is around.
00:57:50
Speaker
No way. You just cheated on your wife. And it's his was around yeah he was just like right outside the elevator murdering a dude see um so yeah it's not looking great for for the cops the kids by the way though have completely embraced the the couple um jack and aunt louise yeah they love them and uh
00:58:23
Speaker
The TV incident happens, and please describe for us how ah what she does with this TV when she realizes that the TV is playing this porno that they she didn't know was being made of her.
00:58:38
Speaker
I love that they see the kids see the TV, get so excited. Go gather every child from the neighborhood. yes And are running back to show their big screen TV as this porno is playing and they're frantically trying to turn it off as Stephen Baldwin smirks in the corner. And the wife has no choice but to beat the shit out of the TV and tip it over in front of every child in the cul-de-sac.
00:59:03
Speaker
but Lest they see her having an orgasm at the hands of Stephen Baldwin on this big screen TV. ah There is no other option. They can't they can't block the kids from entering. They can't just turn it off. that She starts off by throwing things at the TV, which is hilarious, like the idea that that's going to stop it. And then she actually has to tip it over and beat it with a Little League baseball bat, which Which I loved. I loved every shot of that. I loved it.
00:59:34
Speaker
I can't say that enough. You guys can't, can't, oh, we can't explain to the neighbors that we were swingers. What if the neighbors find out that we're swingers? What if the neighbors find out you beat a big screen TV inexplicably with a baseball bat in front of every kid in the neighborhood? That's way more deranged than,
00:59:55
Speaker
I would be way more ah like worried about letting my kid go over to your house. And I love that throughout this, the kids are starting to resent their parents more and more. Yes. Because they're not paying attention at the sporting the sports games. Like when the kid makes the winning basket, they are being weird at the birthday parties. They're taking away presents. When the 11-year-old says, where were you when dad comes home late from work?
01:00:22
Speaker
Like... It's amazing. Yeah. like They've already started planning their new lives with grandma. Grandma's like, what is going on over here? Your child asked me if something happens to you two, can we, can they come live with me?
01:00:40
Speaker
Yeah. Why would they ask that? um Like these people are so bad at being parents because honestly, first of all, your kid, um ah you have no idea how to act around your kids when you're hungover. How do you not have any concept of being like, mommy's not feeling well today. Oh, mommy has a headache and mommy feels sick. Like let's go easy on mommy.
01:01:02
Speaker
as ah Instead, she just flips out and screams at the kids. just Mommy's having a serotonin brain fart. Like get away. I'm going to crush this, this icy orange juice with a spoon and a blender.
01:01:15
Speaker
Yep. Yep. Yep. Um, and mean And also, your kid is at a... You're at your kid's sporting event, and you're talking about, do i do we go to the police since we suspect that our stalker-swinger couple is going to murder your work rival and may murder us? Should we go to the police or not? And then your kid runs over, big smile on his face, did you see? Did you see what I did?
01:01:41
Speaker
And your instant response is not, yeah, buddy, it was amazing! even though you have no idea what it was. No, instead you're like, no, buddy, what was it?
01:01:53
Speaker
and And then your daughter has to say, he scored the winning goal. And then was the kid's mom as they walked away. She took on the motherly role of yep consoling her brother. this How are you this bad at parenting? That you have no idea how to lie to your children?
01:02:12
Speaker
How do you hit a point where you'd rather cover help cover up a murder then just did have to like bite the bullet and admit that you had a a fucking swinging situation with another couple. Worst case scenario, you get a high five from a guy at work that you didn't really want to talk to.
01:02:32
Speaker
Right. or ah Actual worst case scenario is like some of the people don't want to be your friends anymore because they're uptight weirdos. You didn't want to be friends with them anyway. Good. They're gone. Love it.
01:02:45
Speaker
Eventually you'll be able to joke about it. Yeah. We'll be fine. So yeah, the Baldwin's moved in next door. Yeah, moving truck shows up, excited to meet the new neighbors.
01:02:57
Speaker
Uncle Jack and Aunt Louise move in next door. Insane.
Dramatic Climax and Moral Ambiguity
01:03:00
Speaker
They're really like, I mean, from the murder, like this is this isn't quite third act of Bitter Harvest, but their insanity is becoming less and less ah capable of hiding.
01:03:14
Speaker
Yes. And their daughter goes over to like hang out with people that she has been instructed to call Aunt Louise and Uncle Jack. And ah they freak out about it. So, of course, she's confused and upset.
01:03:29
Speaker
um And they're like, we're going to tell the cops. Don't tell people you're going to call the cops on them. That just gives them a chance to hide evidence and prepare and try to make you look bad.
01:03:40
Speaker
um And this is when it is revealed to the wife that husband fucked her in the elevator. And she is rightly pissed. And his pathetic ass response is, there are no rules in something like this.
01:04:00
Speaker
Yes, there Other than the ah written down established rules they created about an hour ago in this film. are no rules? What do you mean there are no rules? Of course there are rules and you broke them. Why can't you just admit it and apologize? Why do you have to be such a dick?
01:04:16
Speaker
You've never apologized to your wife before? You've never fucked up and needed to apologize in your, don't know, at least 11 years of marriage? I mean, I remember you had that Pepsi and ended up kissing a girl yeah earlier in this movie that was you confessed you you you confessed although even then he didn't really beg forgiveness so much as be like our marriage is broken fix it so no maybe he's never apologized he heard that love means never having to say you're sorry and he took that way too too much to heart um i love
01:04:52
Speaker
white Fiesel going on about like people like we don't want our kids around you people and Christy's rightly like do you mean you people you mean us people because like you also had sex with us you ate my vagina yeah what do you mean it was great we had a great time remember when we did those drugs it was fun you didn't like Alan was licking the walls I We couldn't get him to stop drinking the pool water. Yeah.
01:05:24
Speaker
yeah So i I love the last scene of this movie, like the last like 10 minutes of this movie. There is a thing that happens that I loved so much. I wish it could have been in a different movie.
01:05:38
Speaker
I think I know what you're going to say, but I want you to to go ahead and please see if I'm going to see if I'm right. Okay, so just to catch you up here, they have a plan that they're going to get the the couple to this house. They're going to have a truce sex where they're like, sorry about you know trying to to get you in trouble and all this. Let's just be friends. They go to this house. Yeah, because the couple has made it very clear. like we're going like We have basically set you up to be framed for murder if we need to.
01:06:07
Speaker
And also, we're going to expose this to everybody. We're going show the tape to Child Protective Services. So the the couple is feeling like they have no other recourse but to murder Stephen Baldwin.
01:06:24
Speaker
So they have sex that night. One last sex with a Baldwin and a Swanson. And then Jack and his wife, or I'm sorry, Alan and his wife are in the car talking. he goes up and he's going to shoot Stephen Baldwin in the head as he sleeps. Oh.
01:06:40
Speaker
And this is the best scene in the movie. It's incredible. One of my favorite scenes that we've watched in any movie this year, to be honest. A great piece of dialogue. Yes, yes, yes.
01:06:52
Speaker
And before this, by the way, Baldwin has been like, you guys are acting a little weird. Like... You get the feeling that the next thing he was going to say is, are you planning on killing us? Right.
01:07:04
Speaker
Right. Like not. They didn't even try poisoning their drinks. They're like, yeah I'm going to shoot him in the head in a house. I am borrowing from a client of mine. Yes. I am going to have such a time getting all the blood out of my clients. No one will question the hole in this mattress.
01:07:22
Speaker
The blood on the carpet. Yeah.
01:07:26
Speaker
He goes and aims a gun at Stephen Baldwin's head. Stephen Baldwin wakes up, never really moves other than just looks at the gun and is like, what are you doing?
01:07:36
Speaker
Go back to bed, Alan. And then puts the gun barrel, like moves his head forward to the barrels against his head and says, I wish you would shoot me so I'd at least die respecting you.
01:07:50
Speaker
It was incredible. The casual disrespect of ending that conversation with, go to bed, Alan. after he Rolls back over and spoons his wife, gun to the back of his head. Amazing. And then they're they're trying to leave and the car won't start. So they have to bum a ride to the nearest gas station with the people they were planning on murdering. who know they were planning on murdering them and are totally chill fine about it, laughing and and yeah talking about, you know, sexy things like nothing had happened. And you idiots have to sit in the back seat knowing you didn't have the balls to murder them and now have to bum ride. It's incredible.
01:08:41
Speaker
It's amazing. It's genuinely maybe the best scene we've watched in any of these movies this year. This is, it's so good. And it's, and the thing is, it's even well acted. Like yeah this is, this is a moment in the movie where everything genuinely works.
01:08:59
Speaker
Yes. ah You, but you believe absolutely everyone's reactions here. Everybody is playing their part perfectly. um, and
01:09:11
Speaker
Of course, of course, Chrissy wants to give Stevie some road head while they're they're driving on these icy roads in the middle of fuck all nowhere. Great road head scene, too. Because most of our road head scenes end, I guess this one ended the way it should. Yes. Most of them end a little...
01:09:35
Speaker
Yeah. I'm happy with this roadhead scene. No. This one ends with ah the car flipped over. it The car crash is so long and extreme. It's delightful the number of times this car flips.
01:09:51
Speaker
And then Stevie's laughing hysterically. Full villain. Full villain turn. Laughing, saying like, we crashed! Yeah, buddy.
01:10:02
Speaker
as the as As our normal suburbanites are are so shook up and getting out of the car. And he's laughing and laughing right up until he realizes that his girl died with his dick in her mouth.
01:10:17
Speaker
Head still in his lap. Yeah! Because, turns out, You don't want to crash the car while while you're giving road head. It'll kill you.
01:10:32
Speaker
Yeah, like that bat. i mean, her head should have just been mush. Yeah, absolutely. It was right right up against the steering column. And also, she probably should have bit his dick off. like well He might still be in shock. Honestly, the way he was acting- That's a good point. Maybe he is- His dick is also mush.
01:10:49
Speaker
That is a fair point. It is entirely possible that that is what happened. And um what what does our power couple do, Garrett, as they realize that they have, ah through an act ah of, I would say an act of God, but i don't think God made her put a dick in her mouth.
01:11:09
Speaker
um Providence has smiled on them and put the people they could not bring themselves to kill in an eminently murderable position.
01:11:21
Speaker
I love that is Stephen Baldwin. It's like he's two people in this scene because he's laughing being like, I fucked you guys up. You guys are the way. But then he realizes they're going to light gasoline on fire and explode him. And he keeps going back and forth between scared. Please don't let me die. Help me. Alan.
01:11:45
Speaker
And ha ha ha. um Let's do this again. Let's do this again next week. And then ha ha ha. I'll see you in hell. It's. and And here's the thing is I'm not entirely convinced that the last like two minutes of this movie isn't um a fever dream that they had while slowly dying of exposure because it is snowing so hard and they are in the middle of nowhere and they do not have a car anymore. Yeah. um so ah it's entirely possible that this whole thing was just something they hallucinated as they fell asleep in each other's arms freezing to death uh in the night at the shining mansion yeah it is it is exactly like dying at the shining mansion um hotel i'm sorry the overlook hotel i said yeah yeah yeah i don't want someone to yell at me about that on the internet
01:12:32
Speaker
And so then it definitely just it it just cuts to like these people being absolute monsters. Right? like Is that the vibe you got? Is that like these are the worst people in the history of anything ever? That they killed someone and now their marriage is better than ever?
01:12:49
Speaker
He's even made time to coach his kid's soccer team? Like... It's psychotic how cool with it they seem to be. Like, they're they're fucking more than they ever have now that they've murdered people together.
01:13:05
Speaker
like Because we do at one point find out that Jack murdered Louise's ex-husband. And are we led to believe that The Shining House has now transformed Alan and Wendy into this couple? And this is the path? Because that's not what I get. I get everything's hunky-dory, A-okay. This is all in the rearview mirror. I love my life now. And this taught us a lesson.
01:13:30
Speaker
This taught us a very important lesson and there were no consequences. I feel like the shot that they have a brief flashback to the the the car crash is a sign that maybe they do have a little lingering PTSD.
01:13:44
Speaker
Maybe. um But I also was kind of expecting Stephen Baldwin to show up like Freddy Krueger at the end of this movie, still alive and horribly burned and disfigured, just showing up at the kids' soccer game. That was definitely the vibe of this ending montage of how happy their marriage is. Did you not feel that way? i didn't, but I'm trying to think what Freddy Krueger's one-liner would have been as he shows up to... ah
01:14:14
Speaker
Oh my God. i guess anyone's capable of writing one good scene. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. There are definitely moments in here that I'm like, that was ah genuinely intended to be funny and it was funny or that was intended to make me feel a certain way. And it did like, it's not, it could have been much worse. Thank you. Canadian government, I guess for those little bits of, of, of joy in here.
01:14:42
Speaker
Looking at the writer-director, though, because this was written... Different writer, different director. Like, not the same person, I mean. But it was written and directed by women.
01:14:53
Speaker
And this movie did not come off to me as a movie made by women in either regard. No. No.
01:15:05
Speaker
But then, and I mean, like, yeah, why would you cast Stephen Baldwin if you're of trying to appeal... I'm telling you, the guy's got sex appeal. No, he doesn't. got good hair. He's charming. He's funny. No. face. didn't see Biodome.
01:15:19
Speaker
I mean, yeah, okay, but I wouldn't cast the guy from Biodome, ah either one, come to think of it, I wouldn't cast either of the leads from Biodome in an erotic movie, okay? I just wouldn't.
01:15:33
Speaker
Okay, Kit, side thing we're going to do, just me and you, not even for the podcast. Are you turning off the recording? And we're going to watch Biodome together and ah if you can enjoy Pauly Shore movie from 1997 or whatever. And see if you can see the charm of a Stephen Baldwin as playing the guy that Pauly Shore is being mean to. Listen, I would 100%...
01:15:58
Speaker
percent be okay with watching steven baldwin playing a stoned idiot because that's what he looks like his his half-lidded eyes are give the vibe of someone who is perpetually stoned um but when an erotic thriller movie tries to make him seem very cool and sexy i'm just not buying it i can't Well, this came out in 2001.
01:16:22
Speaker
So I assume pre 9-11 it was shot at least. Presumably. And we know that past nine eleven he found Jesus. so he's not like, I wonder if we would watch a movie post 2001 if we notice a change in Stephen Baldwin's demeanor.
01:16:40
Speaker
if you can tell that the man has found Jesus. Other than looking through some of the other Tubi movies he's in, there's some Jesus ones. Wow. Okay.
01:16:51
Speaker
I know we don't have a Patreon, but maybe we need to do ah a Patreon side episodes deep dive into some some later Baldwin. i I would end up getting, i like, i Garrett, my marriage is so new and you're trying to get me divorced already by bringing more Stephen Baldwin into this house.
01:17:10
Speaker
It might make it stronger. You don't know. That's true. Apparently, if I've learned anything from this movie, it's that doing horrible things with your spouse makes your marriage stronger.
01:17:23
Speaker
Yeah, the the weird moralizing of this movie is so bizarre that it it thinks that um being a swinger is is on par with, like, I think it thinks it's a gateway drug to becoming a weirdo like Stephen Baldwin and, uh,
01:17:41
Speaker
his wife in this movie right like it definitely thinks that in the same way that dare was trying to convince us that weed is a gateway drug and next thing you know you'll be snorting um cocaine while lighting your crack pipe um that it thinks that uh having sex with a consenting adult couple um is one step towards you becoming a person who is unacceptable at suburban parties.
01:18:16
Speaker
Which is horrible. I mean, I guess they were in Canada. I know the movie was filmed there, but I don't know if it was supposed to take place in Canada or if we were supposed to be in the U S I mean, like if this had been in Alabama, it's entirely possible swinging is illegal in 2001. I'm I don't know. It might be by death, public stoning. I don't know. Those two ladies kissing and fingering each other.
01:18:38
Speaker
i don't know. I don't think that, I don't think that would fly then. Great scene. It's great. Don't get me wrong. It, Okay, so then let's go straight to it. Garrett, on a scale of one to five, were you aroused?
01:18:54
Speaker
Uh-huh. I know most of the time when we rate these, I'm just sitting there watching a movie, and you know it's kind of like the rating isn't fun. And what did I like that?
01:19:07
Speaker
I will say during that scene, it moved.
01:19:13
Speaker
Like, I'm not saying like much more than just like, like, ah like it's just a little like, so like it could have been a muscle twitch. That being said, that says something to me that I need to go for.
01:19:26
Speaker
the And I think Stephen Baldwin's handsome. You do not. You can't possibly that. We're going to get him on this podcast. He's going to come on here with us and break down these two movies. We're going to do it one more time no for each movie with Stephen Baldwin. No, we're not. That's not happening.
01:19:45
Speaker
I don't want to look at his face for the amount of time that it would take to do that. Are you telling me you wouldn't want to sit through a Zoom podcast with Stephen Baldwin? Stephen Baldwin, guy that has the like mopeds for Jesus or whatever. Dirt bikes for Jesus. What was it? I don't remember. Mopeds for Jesus. It was dirt bikes. was extreme sports for Jesus. You're making him seem lame.
01:20:08
Speaker
you I'm making him seem lame. You're right, Garrett. It's all me I'm not going for a four on this, but I will say that the ladies are giving it their all in in this, and I'm very appreciative of their work.
01:20:27
Speaker
ah Their tits look great. um um if you're If you're not into ladies and you only want ah hot dude bodies, you're not getting very much.
01:20:40
Speaker
What's our lead man's name? Like Cameron Daddio or something like that, which is funny. Maybe Datto. Either way, I thought his last name is, I know it's Datto and that's pretty funny. But yeah, the wife was great.
01:20:53
Speaker
Christy Swanson, great. Don't know about Cameron Datto. Baldwin, obviously excellent. No, horrible, bad. he I have to take a star away for all the times I had to look at his dumb face, making that same dumb facial expression every single time. I was longing for the days of Bitter Harvest when he would smoosh that face into a wall and I didn't have to see as much of it.
01:21:16
Speaker
Garrett? I'm just saying with some of his acting decisions, there is an alternate universe where Steven was the best Baldwin and he was giving us Nicolas Cage style performances.
01:21:27
Speaker
Okay. ah No, but we don't live in that universe. We don't live in that universe. And I'm going to say two and a half stars on that one, two and a half on the arousal meter because mine did not move.
01:21:41
Speaker
If it hadn't been Stephen Baldwin in that role, it probably would have. Dreamcast. Who are you putting in in his place? I mean, if we could, okay, good question. Because you need someone who's going to have that same manic ah kind of energy to the role, but is better looking.
01:22:04
Speaker
And, ooh, you know what comes to mind is Mark Ruffalo from ah from In the Cut. the Cut, yeah. I could do that. just just i feel like he could pull it off.
01:22:20
Speaker
I would change nothing, obviously. my God, you're a psychopath. I'm keeping my Baldwin, okay? I only get a couple of these. It's not like we're going to be doing Stephen Baldwin erotic thrillers for three more weeks, unfortunately. it could just It's simply because there aren't any and there aren't enough.
01:22:38
Speaker
I do have one Christmas one that I know of that i already had in the chamber because I watched it earlier this year, not knowing it was a Christmas movie, not Baldwin, but next time you're going to get Ollie Larder, Idris Elba, Beyonce.
01:22:53
Speaker
Cause obsessed takes place at Christmas. Well then that's something fun to look forward to. okay um Was I thrilled? Thrilled scale of one to five.
01:23:08
Speaker
I'm going to give it a three because that end was so good. So bizarre. So weird. So like out of nowhere that like the gods themselves ah presented a perfect murder opportunity ah that otherwise, I guess they would have just gone home and just like been sad. he would have been framed for a murder and she would have moved in with her mom.
01:23:38
Speaker
And the kids. I guess that's what they were planning on doing rather than killing somebody. But as soon as like...
Obsession in Thrillers: Individual vs. Couple
01:23:45
Speaker
Well, he was going to move to Cleveland at one point. Yeah, you know what? That was probably his best option to try to get away from the police. But yeah, I'll also put it out of three. the The cable guy style escalation of ah of two closeness...
01:24:02
Speaker
um Man, it's a lot harder to make that kind of obsession work, though, when it's a couple, as opposed to just one super obsessed man or woman, because we see a lot of those in this genre where, like, that's your erotic thriller is this person is so obsessed with you. For some reason, when it's two people that are obsessed, it just doesn't work as well. I feel like y'all should be able to to chill out and just go have sex with each other and get over it.
01:24:31
Speaker
because they were clearly in love as well. It wasn't like they have something going on, but they didn't need this for their marriage to be complete. They wanted it, but I don't feel like they needed it So, yeah, I think I'll go with, a you know, I'll go two and a half again.
Nostalgia vs. Red Flags: The Baldwin Dilemma
01:24:49
Speaker
Okay. And would you ruin your life, Garrett, to have sex in the zebra lounge?
01:25:02
Speaker
Weird that they chose that for the title. Yeah, they're only there briefly. That's just where they meet. um here ah Are you ruining your life for this swinging couple?
01:25:17
Speaker
Is your husband going to unfriend me on Facebook if i say You're ruining your life for Stephen Baldwin, really. Are you kidding me? 90s Buffy the Vampire Slayer was crush. Stephen Baldwin and Biodome.
01:25:33
Speaker
a crush. this is This is two 90s cult classic icons. You're telling me that you and your wife are going to show up at the zebra lounge ready to swing and you see this couple there waiting for you.
01:25:51
Speaker
With all those red flags we talked about, the high pressure sales tactics, the weird vibes that they're given, the weird looks from the waitress. You're telling me you're going ignore all of that just so that you can watch your wife get railed by Stephen Baldwin?
01:26:10
Speaker
Bullshit. I call bullshit. First of all. Bullshit. Bullshit. Those are red flags in 2025. If I show up somewhere and a guy's wearing a floor length Neo jacket, that's a red flag. 2001, Matrix was still cool.
01:26:27
Speaker
I would show, 2001, I'm showing up. i like, oh man, this guy's awesome and he has great taste in movies. And look, his wife's Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My wife's favorite TV show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She's not as big fan of the movie, but I can probably make it work.
01:26:45
Speaker
There is simply I still refuse to believe it. I refuse to believe that your desire to fuck Buffy is stronger than your desire not to watch your wife get railed by Stephen Baldwin.
01:27:00
Speaker
A man who I've spent the entire podcast defending is now going to be my best friend. I'm a friend. I'm in with the Baldwins. So you're just going to let them come to your kid's birthday party and give you a big screen TV and help you close your business deal because you don't care that they're obsessed with you. You're willing to let that go.
01:27:20
Speaker
It sounds like he's a life hack. He's made my life better. My kid has a boombox. I have a big screen TV. I closed the deal. I'm the VP of business.
Swinging Lifestyle: Perks and Pitfalls
01:27:30
Speaker
What is...
01:27:32
Speaker
My, car the what's the worst thing that happened? Your wife is more sexually satisfied. Your competition said your wife is more sexually satisfied than she's ever been before. Uh, by looking at Stephen Baldwin's old face.
01:27:46
Speaker
What? And they're now my neighbors now. And like, we can pop over and have movie nights on my new TV. Yeah. Yeah. Everything. What's a red flag. What is this movie? It was this movie. Great. Yeah. No, I think, uh,
01:28:00
Speaker
Okay, but if we're talking real me, no, I'm not going to do it because I'm a scaredy cat and I'm never going to get past going through our Rolodex and being like, can we try and talk this friend into having sex with us? And it it won't happen.
01:28:17
Speaker
And honestly, even that seems like a can of worms. that Are you even buying the magazine, Garrett?
01:28:25
Speaker
I go back alone later and get it if I'm not too afraid of the city. No. Yeah, but are you sure you could park your minivan here? and What if people break into it? What if those goth kids break into my minivan?
01:28:38
Speaker
i guess really what I'll have to do is take all those P.O. o box letters in this scenario that I still put the ad out and didn't call anyone and just crank it out to all the pictures of people thinking about what could have been.
01:28:52
Speaker
Also, this is kind of a Christmas movie because the photo that Baldwin and Christy Swanson send in is them sitting on Santa's lap. Which, by the way, is its own red flag. They don't have children.
01:29:05
Speaker
Santa's for everybody. It's Christmas spirit. And these two are whimsical. m
Humor in Attraction: Baldwin's Unintended Turnoff
01:29:11
Speaker
You've decided that that shows whimsy rather than um that they're going to murder you. Okay. well Fair enough. Fair enough.
01:29:20
Speaker
So what do you have more than just the word? No, no, no, no. you know what? On top of that? No. no no no no no no no and you know what on top of that no Not only it is is Stephen Baldwin involved, but she's not even going to take her top off, Garrett. That's the part you're forgetting, is that your beloved Buffy, who's not even the real Buffy, but the Buffy from the movie Buffy, doesn't even show her boobs.
01:29:53
Speaker
You're willing to ruin your life to not even get to see a nip.
01:29:59
Speaker
You actually just made me think of this because i was like well, did I see her butt in the underwater part? And I might have. But the underwater part is so funny because the way it's quick cutting, it's just showing you butts. And at one point i'm like, oh, look at that butt. And I'm like, wait, is that Stephen Baldwin's butt? It was.
01:30:16
Speaker
Like where at first he has kind of a feminine dainty, but is what I does have find kind of a feminine dainty, but, but the camera did pan up, up his ah broad back filled with tattoos because these people are not normal suburban people like us.
01:30:32
Speaker
As the kid, like, it's funny though. Cause I think my brain did like, Ooh, but, and as the camera goes up, I'm like, Oh no, not what I thought. Like, Oh, so you admit that Stephen Baldwin's a turnoff.
01:30:43
Speaker
Boom. Gotcha.
Dramatic Sign-Off and Goodbyes
01:30:45
Speaker
Gotcha. I was just thinking that I was fantasizing over a lady, but, and it was a bald. wow No, no. You just proved for my point.
01:30:54
Speaker
He's a turnoff. The answer is no. Good day, sir.
01:31:01
Speaker
I wish you would pull that trigger. i could at least die. Respect in you. Go to bed. Alan, go to bed. Alan, i' what a line all right it's so good and honestly i'll give him i'll give him credit he delivered it great he delivered it wonderfully go to bed i think that could have had a four-yard consideration for an oscar line from what like a single sentence and action in that film great yeah yeah yeah all right That being said, Bitter Harvest was better. Kit needs to get out of here. Hey, everybody, thanks for listening. Rate, review, subscribe. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell you're the couple that you swing with.
01:31:43
Speaker
Yeah, leave. Yeah, yeah. Leave a review. do some Do some stuff. It's Christmas season now. Yeah. And wet your snails. We want to shake you naked and eat you alive.
01:31:56
Speaker
Happy holidays, everybody.