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I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
88 Plays20 days ago
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club we dive into Razzie Award winning, Lindsey Lohan cult classic I Know Who Killed Me! Twins! Amputations! Neil McDonough not kissing anyone as usual!
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Transcript
Introduction to The Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, a long lost twin who may or may not be a figment of your imagination brought on by a trauma induced psychosis and gather around the radio.
00:00:14
Speaker
It's time for this week's meeting of the erotic thriller club.
Film Evaluation: Cult Classic or Misfire?
00:00:26
Speaker
antithesis mysterious and dangerous and oh yes they've got all the sexiest movies out of the edges so if you're fatally attracted to the radio
00:01:10
Speaker
One day you're a straight-laced piano-playing creative writer. The next you're a hard-nosed stripper double amputee from the wrong side of the tracks. There's a killer on the loose and you're being forced to be Neil McDonough's daughter even though you're fully convinced he ain't daddy.
Watching Amidst Distractions
00:01:26
Speaker
Is this a smarter-than-credited Lynchian art house cult classic or is it a rip-off dum-dum diploma that deserved the Razzies? This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, I Know Who Killed Me.
00:01:39
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's Meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here. And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would i ruin my life for this person?
00:01:55
Speaker
you got a doozy here, Garrett! There was so much going on with this movie. Because just to let you know when we recorded it, we were potentially on the brink of nuclear war.
Character and Setting Confusions
00:02:08
Speaker
yeah And I'll tell you what, I watched half the movie and then decided I'm going to wait and see where this goes, because I'll tell you what, I wasn't going to watch the second half of this movie if there was a goddamn nuclear apocalypse happening. And I was stressed out.
00:02:27
Speaker
That's completely legit. Yeah. I mean, it was an edgy day all day. And then you start watching this. And at first, it seemed like each scene could last no longer than one minute. And then it would cut abruptly to something completely unrelated.
00:02:43
Speaker
And um that was stressful, too, in a different way. This was such a confus- I didn't know what to do with this movie for the longest time because I'm sure you're, I, this was my first time seeing it, which is shocking that you and I never watched this together.
00:03:02
Speaker
This seems like we would have watched this in college when it was out. Right. I don't know why we didn't.
Casting Choices: Lindsay Lohan's Roles
00:03:08
Speaker
I genuinely don't know. I wasn't a big Lindsay Lohan fan back then. So that probably had something to do with it, even though it was bad and got nominated.
00:03:18
Speaker
So I was really going into this kind of expecting, I don't know, like a Nick Cage wicker man situation. no this is not that.
00:03:30
Speaker
And the first half, if you just watch the first half like I did and give it a pause, It is not like the first half seems shockingly normal and competent other than the director really is trying to do something annoying. I don't even think he's doing like a terrible job trying to make an art house movie.
00:03:55
Speaker
But it does seem like maybe a faux art house movie or a faux like Giallo movie. And I don't know how earnest it is or how hard he's trying, but the style of it was the only thing that really didn't work because the acting didn't really stick out to me as like over the top cornball or anything.
00:04:12
Speaker
Yeah. No, there are a few things that, you know, are questionable choices. ah It cuts to her reading a story at one point in front of a class. And I literally, because there's no teacher in the room, could not tell based on her age if she was supposed to be the teacher, a student, or a student in a community
Plot Holes and Character Motivations
00:04:32
Speaker
college. But like they they had to they they were filming it in a high school for some reason. Like I could not figure out what was going on based on the little and then it would just cut immediately to something else. And she's at piano lessons. And I'm like, OK, so I guess she is a high school student. So I don't think a high school teacher is going to be taking piano lessons.
00:04:55
Speaker
You're right. Like there are definitely dumb things within the writing that put the actors in situations where like they are going to look stupid. Yes. Because like, yeah, you're right.
00:05:08
Speaker
And in my mind, i was like, okay, she's ah in a high school creative writing class. And then as the camera pans to the rest of the class, like, oh, these are college kids. Right. And there's no teacher here. There was no adult in the room.
00:05:20
Speaker
i don' i Other than the fact they're all adults in the room. Yeah. Yeah. But then we cut to them at a football game later that makes it feel like we're now at a high school football game rather than a college because it seems like a small community that we're in Right. so i then And then the the she's in the science class sitting next to the the jock or whatever.
00:05:43
Speaker
um and he's like... I want to fuck you. and And she's like, we're dissecting worms right now. I'm like, ah dissecting worms is a thing you do in high school biology. I remember doing it.
00:05:57
Speaker
Also. We saw Edward Cullen do it in goddamn Twilight in high school. And ah that was also, she was like, but we barely know each other. I'm like, wait, aren't you supposed to be?
00:06:10
Speaker
I would never say that as a teenager to another teenager. I barely know you. We barely know each other. That's a very adult thing to say. Instead, you'd say something like, but we've only been dating for like three months. Yeah.
00:06:25
Speaker
You're in high school in a small town and you're seniors. You do know each other. But also there was... Wait. So wait. Was she in college? No. she wasn't She's in high school. I'm pretty sure.
00:06:38
Speaker
I don't know. Fuck!
Production Challenges and Body Doubles
00:06:40
Speaker
She's in high school and here's why. She talked about getting into Yale and she hasn't gone yet. This isn't Yale. Okay. But then there's that moment later after a football game where the whole town is under curfew if you're under the age of 21. Which is why she had to meet back up with her friends before midnight.
00:07:01
Speaker
But she was meeting them at a movie theater, presumably to go into that movie to a midnight movie. No, that was where they parked their cars and they were going to go home from there.
00:07:12
Speaker
Why did they park their cars by a movie theater instead of in, I don't know, the parking lot by the football stadium? I don't know. Well, let's go ahead and just say this.
00:07:24
Speaker
The movie did win a lot of Razzies. It actually, I think, broke some records with the number. I think some of it deserved, some of it not deserved. I don't think Lindsay Lohan's acting was a problem in this movie. I thought it was a problem.
00:07:37
Speaker
I don't think so. Like, I do think that the first half of the movie was so like ah she was just a competent actor. We'll discuss some things from that. I read part of the movie seems like maybe we should argue with.
00:07:51
Speaker
I'm pushing back on that a little bit. So I think there is an alternate reality where I stopped watching this movie. The nuclear Holocaust happened. I'm dead and in hell. And then finished the second half of the movie in hell because it was so different from the first half.
00:08:10
Speaker
You know, ah I believe John, ah my husband has never seen the second half of Fiddler on the Roof because when he went to go see it, the theater he was at ah got flooded. And so they let, you know, everybody left, had to leave at intermission. So as far as he's concerned, Fiddler on the Roof is like,
Cultural References and Character Comparisons
00:08:31
Speaker
everybody's fine. Everybody's happy.
00:08:34
Speaker
Hey, i'm I'm with him there, because but said this is going to hurt his heart a little, but with Lord of the Rings special editions or extended editions, I, in high school or whenever, i guess high school probably those came out maybe a little earlier, I was in bed watching it on DVD. I had just gotten you know the box with a billion fucking discs in it, watched the first one, and then it stops partway through the movie and says, now get up and put in the second disc.
00:08:59
Speaker
And Garrett was like, no, no, no, no. I'm like, I am sitting in bed, bitch. And also, this movie is what? Three and a half hours long? Four hours long? Why does my Spider-Man DVD like boast that it has 40 hours of special features all on a singular disc? But this movie can't hold an entire movie on a disc?
00:09:21
Speaker
Fuck you. I've never seen the second half of the extended edition. So as far as you're concerned, the Hobbits probably, what? Everybody stayed together, the whole fellowship. And together they traveled as one big happy group. Tossed that ring right in the mountain.
00:09:39
Speaker
And Rob's your uncle. Home to the Shire. ah Okay, so I do need to, i want to say this, because this is the third movie we've gotten to see Lindsay Lohan play two characters in.
00:09:54
Speaker
what was... Well, I guess technically the fourth, because she did two Freaky Fridays. Oh, yeah, I forgot about Freaky Friday. Two Freaky Fridays, The Parent Trap, and this. Yes. Which them is most convincing, would you say, of her playing two different characters?
00:10:12
Speaker
I last year watched both of the Freaky Friday movies. I would say she was she was quite good in both of those. You bought her as as Jamie Lee Curtis. This one. Lindsay Lohan's skin.
00:10:24
Speaker
I feel embarrassed to say this, but it is something that I have told you in private. Yeah. So there was a time when two pieces of my very specific internet
Symbolism vs. Art House Ambitions
00:10:36
Speaker
collided.
00:10:36
Speaker
her There is a lady I follow on Instagram named Emily the Harpist. And she has all these cool effects pedals and she does cool stuff with harps.
00:10:47
Speaker
Very fun. There is also OnlyFans model named Goth Egg.
00:10:57
Speaker
I had never put it together that both of these people look almost identical. But their comment sections apparently both for a long time were telling each other, you look like this harp lady, you look like this sex worker.
00:11:11
Speaker
And eventually they met up and they make videos together now, like kind of funny content on the Harp Lady's channel, not on the OnlyFans channel. But the way they are Harp Lady is nice and funny. And the sex worker lady who looks i like very identical to her has the voice and tone of Nora.
00:11:34
Speaker
er ah That's this movie. Uh. It is the nice piano lady and the stripper. Yes. This is just Emily the Harpist and goth egg.
00:11:46
Speaker
Garrett.
00:11:51
Speaker
Both of them have all their limbs. Oh, well, that's good. I'm happy for them on that. That movie's fucking gruesome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:12:03
Speaker
yeah Yeah. It was. I mean, I think one thing people had a problem with when this came out because the movie does open with a strip club scene. yes. and And it's one of those strip clubs you see where the waitresses are topless and the dancers are fully clothed.
00:12:23
Speaker
Because you hired a famous lady with a no nudity kind contract. Laws in her contract, yes. For a stripper movie. Which, I'll give her this. you Yes. Even with no nudity.
00:12:37
Speaker
Very good stripper. Very sexy, sexy little dance. Like, and to be fair to the place, the sign out front said burlesque. It didn't say, did it say nude strip club?
00:12:48
Speaker
don't know. Maybe those other ladies that were topless were. But I'm just saying make maybe you shouldn't talk like you've lived the hardest, most degrading life of all time if you're working at a bar that doesn't even make you take your top off.
00:13:02
Speaker
Well, she said she was also a prostitute.
00:13:07
Speaker
I'm assuming that And take your top off in the bar. this is This is an issue. You'll get more tips. It's true. That being said, she was a very pretty lady. it is She had so many clothes on when she started. They had to put her in like, God damn it. It was like she was wearing a North Face like snowsuit when she came out. Really, she's dressed like Jessica Rabbit. She's got gloves. yeah She's leaving a streak of blood down the pole with her hand. That's fun.
00:13:36
Speaker
And by the end, she's basically dressed like the music video for um Lady Marmalade. Yeah, she's got the garters and the the the whole lingerie set. it's It's fine. I don't know. I didn't think it was all that sexy.
00:13:55
Speaker
I just feel like you can't just show somebody ah in moody lighting moving really slowly and be like, see? Sexy. But they also, this movie had a shockingly good soundtrack.
00:14:09
Speaker
So she was dancing to this band Vietnam, which I was not familiar with, but had very much like a velvet underground sound. And later she's stripping to the Melvins. Later, like the nice ones listening to architecture in Helsinki. It was a i don't know. The whole movie, I kept being shocked by things I was enjoying.
00:14:27
Speaker
oh Garrett. Yeah. Alright, yeah, so let's let's sort
Narrative Coherence and Motivations
00:14:32
Speaker
of try and untangle the plot here, which is hard to put together considering we couldn't even figure out if she was in high school or not.
00:14:42
Speaker
um Hard do. But... So there are girls going missing is the important part, which is why the, you know, when she goes to the a football game to see her boyfriend play in the big game, he gave her a blue rose.
00:15:04
Speaker
Cause I guess, cause blue is one of their school colors, I guess. Yeah. I mean, it ends up being because she has a twin sister and they like juxtapose the red and the blue. right And the blue he obviously subconsciously knew that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah um And twin magic goes to your lover.
00:15:24
Speaker
She like gets separated from her friends because she wants to go find her boyfriend in the big crowd of people who are all celebrating after the game before curfew hits.
00:15:35
Speaker
And for some reason, even though there's a murderer on the loose, like they just found out that another girl's body had been found. She's like, yeah, it's fine. I'll just wander away from my friends. And we have to talk about the dead girl because like the sequence of events here is insane.
00:15:53
Speaker
It is, ah I think I'm in love with you. i i is what the boyfriend says to her while they're dissecting worms in science class. Um,
00:16:06
Speaker
Then we find out in science class that the girl is dead. Yeah. We have a medical transcriptionist like typing up the notes about all the dead girl's injuries. It's fun. what While we see the parents identifying the body and being like, oh, and then like the voiceover of the medical examiner, whoever, like reading what is on the medical transcriptions.
00:16:34
Speaker
And it ends with being like that she was on amphetamines so that she would be aware as her limbs were being cut off. Cut to Lindsay Lohan's driving her car and sees a hot guy with no shirt. Cut to we're at a football game. Moment of silence for dead girl.
00:16:57
Speaker
I, shirt man. Let's win it for the dead girl! win it for the dead girl! Like, it is truly, like, that dead silence and and when the kid is getting, uh,
00:17:09
Speaker
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, when the kid is giving speech, everybody is dead silent, and then he shouts, San Dimas High School football rules, and the crowd goes insane. Yeah. That was this. They're like, let's win it for the dead. They literally shout, like, let's win it for... I don't know who she was. She might have not given a shit about football. Also, crazy that they came to that teacher to just tell her in the middle of class that somebody's dead and have her make that announcement.
00:17:35
Speaker
But not have any other information to give them. So she's just like, don't ask me. Don't ask me about it. All I know is they found her body. She's dead. Now get back to dissecting your worms.
00:17:47
Speaker
Did you know that they're hermaphrodites? They have both male and female genitalia. It seemed like that was maybe going to come somewhere. Also, you mentioned the shirtless man that Lilo pulls up on. Mm-hmm.
00:18:02
Speaker
It's so funny that just the most menacing man with nipple tattoos that's putting stuff in a wood chipper, because obviously he's the killer, because a guy with nipple tattoos, just all bets are off on him. All bets are off.
00:18:16
Speaker
Yeah, i i don't I think we never see that man again, do we?
Unrealistic Elements and Medical Scenarios
00:18:20
Speaker
I think that guy was just there so that they had enough people that it wouldn't be immediately obvious who the killer was. They needed to show more men on screen so that you would like have other options to consider. Yeah. he's like Well, that nipple tattoo man that jerked off the log because he is just like looking, I guess, at a high school girl, maybe.
00:18:44
Speaker
yeah And just jerking a log off, that seems like a crime. It does. At a certain point in time. Not these days. Not these days. But I wouldn't like it if it was being done to my teenage daughter. yeah Nope. I would get a different man to jerk my logs off. That is a bad man. and How quickly did you identify the killer?
00:19:08
Speaker
Okay, it took me long a while because, and I have a very specific reason why, Neil McDonough is in this movie. And here Neil McDonough always plays a bad guy Always.
00:19:22
Speaker
Because he's got them icy blue eyes. And I was like, obviously, they love blue in this movie. You get a famously blue-eyed man playing the dad. o What am I supposed to think?
00:19:35
Speaker
So you know Lilo's no nudity clause. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know Neil McDonough's claws in every contract for any picture he or show he's been in?
00:19:46
Speaker
it that he's not supposed to kiss anybody or something? He will not kiss anyone on screen that isn't his wife, who I don't even know if it's an actress. So all Neil McDonough can play is a sexless Nazi in anything. Oh, that would make sense, actually.
00:20:04
Speaker
Yeah. yeah Okay, listen, I really liked him in the show Boomtown, which was a short-lived RIP Boomtown. He was like a ah steely-eyed prosecutor.
00:20:18
Speaker
He did fine that. He wasn't doing any kissing. yeah He was not doing any kissing. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. So he always plays a bad guy. And so, yeah, I thought maybe he was the killer.
00:20:32
Speaker
And then i you know, looking back, I was like, obviously, it's not going to be Neil McDonough. It's really obviously the piano man.
00:20:43
Speaker
The piano teacher is such a specific looking person when you see him teaching Lilo piano. And i mean, kind of flamboyantly gay, a little like Willie Garson looking, a lot of rings.
00:20:58
Speaker
built Bright blue rings because symbolism is a thing that the filmmakers have heard about. they've heard They've heard of it. They've definitely heard about it. They know it's important. They watched, ah you know, a couple of ah Guillermo del Toro movies and listened to the director's commentary and heard him say something about like color is important. And they're like, got it. Don't need to hear the rest.
00:21:21
Speaker
Do you think there is somewhere where the director says Blue Velvet is my favorite movie? They did say Blue Velvet was an inspiration for this movie. Goddamn right it was because it like he tried to make a David Lynch movie.
00:21:35
Speaker
He tried to make a classic De Palma erotic thriller. He didn't necessarily not succeed. We'll get there. But I'll say when I was looking at the piano teacher and she quit piano lessons at the end.
00:21:49
Speaker
the you do not give up on your talent is the moral of this movie when he left he left in such a huff that I out loud to no one in my house said he's the killer and um and I never changed my mind I never even i spent the rest of the movie not considering any other suspects That's fair, honestly. that was like, it was the the piano man so mad that it's definitely him. It's little weird, honestly, that no one looked into the fact that all three of the kidnapped girls had the same piano teacher. Because they did. They had all won the Young Artist Award and then presumably had quit piano lessons
Mystery Unfolds: Killer Revealed
00:22:38
Speaker
at some point.
00:22:39
Speaker
And he takes that personally. Well, I did early on think, because there's a point in this movie where i was like, okay, yeah this movie isn't that stupid. And then it something happens where I'm like okay, this movie is very stupid. hu But they there was a point where it's like just DNA test. Because at a certain point, the twist isn't even really who's the killer. The twist is you just trying to figure out, is Lindsay Lohan two people or one person with brain trauma?
00:23:07
Speaker
Yes. Yet knowing who the killer is is an absolute side note. Yeah, it's not important. What's important is um everything else.
00:23:18
Speaker
um So, you got kidnapped. um And ah they're we're gonna dry ice off your limbs. which Fuck. like a Totally insane. Also, want to point out, expensive way to kill somebody on a piano teacher's salary...
00:23:39
Speaker
Well, I assume the so that's a side hustle. you do oh All that jewelry is expensive on a piano tv that's a fair point And all of his instruments of torture that he does carve his victims up with are such a pretty blue. They almost look glass. My aunt actually had her her fancy ah china set was a color of blue, this exact same. And she I thought she had everything in the collection, but she must have missed the BTK collection. Yes, that was a limited edition. That was harder to get.
00:24:16
Speaker
ah Yeah, everything is is blue um because a spoiler alert. He's obsessed with blue ribbons.
00:24:26
Speaker
Getting the blue ribbon means you're perfect. It means you won. You got the best pig at the county fair. Got the best pig at the county fair. And so now because you didn't want to play piano anymore, I'm going to take off your hand and your foot.
00:24:39
Speaker
Boom. Boom. But the level of violence and the sickness of it, because he doesn't just take it off. He cuts your fingers off, sews them back onto your hand, cuts your hand off, puts it back onto your body. Yeah.
00:24:56
Speaker
And does kind of the same with your leg, but
Critiquing the Ending and Themes
00:25:00
Speaker
leaves you alive enough that he doesn't have to see you die because death is yucky. Yeah.
00:25:08
Speaker
Allegedly. Allegedly, death is yucky. with that That information only comes from the FBI lady, and I don't trust that any of these FBI people know what the hell they're doing. At one point, their FBI psychologist writes delusional in big red letters, underlined twice over a traumatized teenage girl's photograph.
00:25:35
Speaker
Did you notice he used red when talking about Dakota and blue pen he talks about Aubrey? Smart movie, smart. Smart movie, no, this is this is college student movie.
00:25:49
Speaker
I do want to point out to anybody that gives a shit about this. I spent the whole time watching this movie being like, why do I know the FBI agent? Why do I know her? And then I looked up her movie list and saw like a few movies. i'm like, I've seen these, but this isn't why I know her. When the movie was over and I was looking up just facts about this movie, I saw where she had talked about this movie to Andy Cohen. And then it clicked Garcelle from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
00:26:18
Speaker
She was in, like, um Coming to America when she was a lot younger. This is just a movie she did in the middle of her acting career before Real Housewives. Interesting. Okay.
00:26:30
Speaker
Fun. So...
00:26:35
Speaker
there's so much gore in this. It's so gross. Um, and also there's so little, um, sex in this to balance it out. We get like two shots of tits and it just does not feel like a good ratio to me.
00:26:50
Speaker
Headless, headless, headless disembodied tits, just floating in the air to remind you that it is a strip club and not just a burlesque show with the weirdest clientele.
00:27:04
Speaker
Yeah, which I feel like it would have been less jarring if the strip club hadn't had ah like titties on display because then you'd be like, okay, it's just not that type of club. It's, you know, the type where people keep the clothes on.
00:27:20
Speaker
It didn't. make You're right. It didn't matter. Like, I mean, I know we needed to know she was from the wrong side of the tracks, but she can also still be troubled and just do burlesque. There's a way to pivot with this movie where like, hey, guess what? Burlesque ah dancers can be prostitutes as well.
00:27:40
Speaker
Yeah. Why not? don't see why not. my God. the The stripper though that was there, I recognized her immediately. Yeah.
00:27:51
Speaker
She's the nun from the Conjuring series. oh Oh. And just to show this man's David Lynch love, she is like the ghoul behind the diner in Mulholland Drive.
00:28:04
Speaker
Okay. And i don't think we ever hear her name, but her credited character name, this tall, thin, very specific looking woman, is named Fat Tina. Fat
00:28:21
Speaker
In the credits of this film. That's horrid. Like, I'm going to make sure that I'm not getting... the i know I got the fat part right. i don't know if I got Tina. Fat Tina. T-E-N-A.
00:28:35
Speaker
Oh, my God. She is just a tall, thin lady. Is it two separate words? It's not like maybe one name, like fu Fatina. Fatina. Fatina, she's...
00:28:48
Speaker
she She just looks like a white lady, but she has mixed race parents. No, this is Fat Tina. Fat Space. Both capitalized. ah F capitalized, T capitalized.
00:29:04
Speaker
What a cast. Yeah, so it's not clear whether the Lindsay Lohan that's stripping is a real Lindsay Lohan or just the character that our good girl Aubrey, ah who is a creative writing writer,
00:29:23
Speaker
a person high school student who likes creative writing has made up because it does seem like honestly something a teenage girl would make up like the girl from the wrong side of the tracks who does ah stripping where she doesn't take her clothes off and just says things like my mom's a crack whore It is funny because as she's reading her creative writing stuff, the part you don't get to see is because it's fine. Like for a college, high school kid, whatever. It's like on par with what you hear in a creative writing class. What you miss out, though, is all the mean people.
Cult Classic Status and Pop Culture Impact
00:30:00
Speaker
Those are the classes that harden you as a person where you write something and everybody just has to go around the table and say the meanest things possible about the thing you've written.
00:30:11
Speaker
No, all the people in her class, this is one of the most unrealistic things, were just like staring at her in rapt attention as opposed to looking bored as hell.
00:30:24
Speaker
Well, it's Lindsay Lohan at the height of her power. She's beautiful. Yeah, that's fair, I guess. All right, so... um oh A Lindsay Lohan is found in a ditch missing an a hand and a leg. Could you tell that was even a human When the person stopped and is like, are you okay? I'm like, what are we talking to? I thought we were just looking at trash on the road.
00:30:54
Speaker
but I bet they didn't even actually get Lindsay for that. I bet they just put in a a stunt up like or like just put put a put a thing over there and then we'll pretend it's Lindsay.
00:31:05
Speaker
Kit, you might be right because I was reading about the troubles this production held. So maybe like a week into the movie, she had to get her appendix removed.
00:31:16
Speaker
And that paused filming for quite a while. But then you had a lot of, lyn this is Lindsay Lohan peak problems too. So paparazzi's after her can't come out of her trailer. Like anywhere they go, there's paparazzi trying to film the set because she's Lindsay Lohan, DUIs, everything.
00:31:34
Speaker
there was a point towards the end of filming and there were two moments in this movie where I looked and like I had to, I double take. and I was like, is that her? Where they had to use a body double and CGI Lindsay Lohan's face read yeah onto the thing. And there were two times that I'm like, I'm just being crazy. Like that's clearly Lindsay Lohan, but there were moments where she wouldn't show up and they would just have to get a body double out there and just fucking put her head on it later.
00:32:04
Speaker
That would also explain why all her reaction shots, like when she's being tortured, are hyper close up on her face. i do not think they were filmed at the same time as the wide shots of the guy circling around the table or the hand being like tortured or any of that. i do think that all of those were filmed separately. Yeah.
00:32:27
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, and she might have not even reacting. It might have been a different reaction to a full different part of the movie. I don't know. all we know. it Yeah. ah I want to say as far as just like that violence, though, very of the time, like very disgusting, like depraved violence that we were getting from movies like all those horror remakes that started to come out of like Hills Have Eyes, the Rob Zombie stuff, the Last House on the Left, like The 2000s.
00:32:58
Speaker
That mid 2000s, like all the rage of hyper violence. Because it was very gross. Like even just watching that the dry ice peel off her hand. It was not good. I was like, I didn't need to see that. Why did I need to see that?
00:33:11
Speaker
A level of gore we typically don't get from these movies we watch. No. Okay. So she she wakes up in the hospital, right? And there's a nice nurse lady there.
00:33:24
Speaker
And she says, what hospital am I in? Where? When she realizes she's in a hospital. yeah And this nurse responds, I'll go get the doctor.
00:33:35
Speaker
and just leaves like wait why can't you tell her what hospital you're in why do you need the doctor for that and then you left the room to leave her alone so that she is alone when she discovers she's a double amputee psychotic Is it possible, because there's a three and a half hour cut of this movie out there somewhere. Yes. That this woman was not a nurse.
00:34:04
Speaker
She was a fellow patient going room to room looking for coma patients and patients to steal jellos from. And all that was explained in the full... ah Yeah. Okay, sure, sure, sure, sure.
00:34:18
Speaker
But you're right. You're right. Leaving a double double amputee to find that surprise out on their own. Yeah. Yeah. diabolical because she asked what hospital she was in. And you're like, I need the doctor to tell me that information. a, I'm a be right back.
00:34:35
Speaker
That's first day on the job energy. I don't know what questions I'm allowed to answer. Right? um So ah she is there. ah Her parents are there finally. i don't know why they weren't there immediately.
00:34:51
Speaker
um But the point is... ah she doesn't know who she is or she does know, but she doesn't think it's Aubrey. Cause they're like, Aubrey, we're so glad you're here. going to take you home. She's like, who are you?
00:35:04
Speaker
And who's Aubrey? the fuck are you? And she's a little more crass now. Like she's a yeah yeah yeah different character. She's obviously a different person. Cause she says things like this Aubrey chick. And I grew up in the real world. Okay.
00:35:19
Speaker
And she calls the police. Okay. the fuzz and she says fuck so she's clearly a different person and she's got a whole backstory about crack mom and she spoke smoke cigarettes indoors yeah and her name's dakota okay and here's the thing that really uh like annoyed me about this is like she has such an elaborate backstory right That it would have been comically easy to check out any of her story.
00:35:52
Speaker
to To like prove it to her that she's making this up. Like she worked at a burlesque club. Call the burlesque club and ask... Right? She presumably went to school. Get a high school yearbook from wherever she went to school. This girl's claiming, though, that she doesn't even have a social security number, which is insane.
00:36:14
Speaker
She was born in a hospital. That's how the twins got separated at birth. Yeah. and then how did i mean How did this happen? Yeah. Well, I think it's just no one believed her. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that shit is like, there's just, the first half is pretty regular and then it's a series of ah like implausible things. And obviously you can't DNA test because they are twins.
00:36:40
Speaker
Yes. I was like, dental records. There is no way a girl who grew up in a crack house has the same dental records as even her identical twin who had an upper middle class like upbringing and regular visits to the dentist. like That would have solved your problem immediately.
00:36:59
Speaker
well And I think a lot of this wasn't... When you know what the original ending was, I think they didn't have to think about a lot of this because the writer didn't... It didn't matter. Because the original ending of this movie that the writer insisted on, that the studio said, this sucks, which surprised me because the studio loves this kind of ending, is that none of this happened and it's all in like a college kid's story.
00:37:25
Speaker
That actually makes the most sense because this... Yeah, this is a story written by a college kid. This is exactly what it feels like. It's like baby's first twist ending.
00:37:38
Speaker
And the twist ending is i they were the killer the whole time. like I mean, it's not they were the killer the whole time, but like it's the other version of that, which is nothing happened, nothing you watched matters.
00:37:49
Speaker
Yeah, everyone loves that. Don't you love that, Garrett, when it turns out the entire thing you watched was a waste of your goddamn time? It was all a dream. Okay, so it means nothing and nothing matters.
00:38:00
Speaker
The one that always comes to mind was that, oh my God, what was the Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights was in this Oliver Stone action movie and all three characters die at the end and you're like, oh, cool.
00:38:14
Speaker
But then it's like, but this is what would have happened. or we never remember the Goes backwards and they all just live. But that didn't really happen. But it's like, why'd you make me watch all this shit? Clearly this was a test screening. People didn't like this. So you just left everything in and then added a little more. Yeah.
00:38:32
Speaker
Yeah. ate it Hate it. Yeah. I know. I don't want to. Yeah. She doesn't want to talk to the cops. And it turns out that the reason she doesn't want to tell the cops what happened is because from her point of view, she was never kidnapped.
00:38:50
Speaker
She was never tortured. One day her leg just fell off. know right I wouldn't want to tell the cops that either.
00:39:04
Speaker
And that does, like, the fact that we flash back to show her that these did this did happen hu with her finger just falling off yeah and her experiencing that at work. Yeah. and okay, maybe i'm just because yesterday was, like, kind of a traumatic day for everybody and this was a thing I had to watch in the middle of that.
00:39:29
Speaker
Did we get, like, a real explanation of how that happened, how her finger just rotted off? It's because they have sympathetic twin stigmata. Twin stigmata, yes. Yeah.
00:39:41
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she cut it on the road for everything that happens. Everything that was happening to um the girl being tortured, Aubrey, was showing up on the body of the girl who ah was a stripper, Dakota.
00:40:01
Speaker
Which does lead to i have a lot of questions. So, like... When one of them ah would have sex, did the other one feel it? Like, what what how deep does this go?
00:40:18
Speaker
Every time you, it's not surprised you ever that like one day you would just like get a scrape on your knee and not know how you got it. No one, she never, no one, none of them ever broke an arm or like, especially with the girl who was on the the bad side of town and, you know, the rough neighborhoods and growing up in the real world. Like that girl never hurt herself in a way that made the other girl suspicious that something weird's going on.
00:40:50
Speaker
When you ask, like, if she has sex, does she feel it? I think the answer has to be yes, because the most extreme thing I can think of is if I lost my leg, would my twin's leg just fall off um for no reason? And the answer is yes. Yes.
00:41:07
Speaker
But also, she's a prostitute. So you think, like, but I mean, maybe it wasn't. and She never came. I don't know. i don't know. i don't know. lindsey Good Lindsay Lohan wasn't coming because we find that out.
00:41:20
Speaker
When she... When evil Lindsay Lohan talks her boyfriend real good. When one of them got their ears pierced, did the other one's ears just magically have holes in it? It's like, I guess I can put earrings in now.
00:41:33
Speaker
Yeah. Okay, well, just know the writer wrote this movie and never worked ever, ever again. I might not... One and done credit on IMDb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are questions...
00:41:51
Speaker
God damn it. This movie sucks. Yeah, dude. Okay, so she's the the ah the... My other favorite thing ah that was a detail about our big, tough, broke dancer chick who lives in the real world um also wears a lacy cloche hat when she gets on the bus at the end of every night working at ah so fuck at that when she's done with her stripper job it's like put on my little c cloche hat stop it but yeah
00:42:25
Speaker
So anyway, Lindsay gets some some magical prosthetics because we didn't want to have to deal with this shit through the whole movie that she's missing a hand and a leg. Like that would have been too much. We deal with it in a different manner. Yeah. Because I am not joking when I tell you.
00:42:45
Speaker
I am fairly certain that the prosthetic hand...
00:42:52
Speaker
grew slightly scene by scene because by the end i feel like that thing is so much bigger than when we were first presented with it and it looks like the fingers are just like sausage size and it's such a comically stupid hand by the end that i was so ready for just a big foam finger in the final scene and And the exact moment when this movie, to me, goes from like, this is a pretty normal movie. Like, I don't think there's anything so egregious that it's, like, this is, like, the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen. But then Crab Man from My Name is Earl comes out and gives her the Luke Skywalker robot hand and robot leg. Mm-hmm.
00:43:35
Speaker
And we're just in a new movie now. Shit is so different from 50 minutes ago. Yep, yep, yep, yep. And now we've we've got 50 minutes of a brand new, way dumber movie to watch. Yeah. And don't worry. you have Chekhov's limbs here. ah they They do come up in the plot ah in that...
00:43:56
Speaker
you You are waiting for, or at least I was waiting for, Chekhov's, sometimes I forget to charge my leg, um but in between, i got Chekhov's super strong handshake.
00:44:15
Speaker
See, I was so ready for her to tear the killer's nuts off yeah like a chimpanzee getting a birthday cake from its former trainer. No, but you know like instead it's his hand that she she somehow destroys because that's more symbolic, Garrett, not his nuts.
00:44:34
Speaker
he's Having robo strength is just amazing. she's you know It's hard to do. Also, remember when her finger falls off and she just sews it back on herself?
00:44:45
Speaker
Yeah, it didn't it didn't seem like that would be a good idea. Like, I don't think that's how reattaching a limb works. This isn't, this movie is so insane for the second. The idea that like, I know you're broke or whatever, and you're like, hospitals are for rich people.
00:45:04
Speaker
Like your finger just rotted and fell off for no reason while you were at work. Go to the hospital, run away and don't pay your bill maybe. Sure.
00:45:15
Speaker
but like, go to the hospital. think Tina's going to let you come back to work with with a nub? i mean, maybe, maybe some of the patrons are into that. You don't know.
00:45:28
Speaker
My God, when she goes home after this and the boyfriend is waiting. Yes. And mom just has to angrily clean the kitchen is As she listens to Dakota fuck Aubrey's boyfriend, which, by the way, not cool for a sister to do.
00:45:45
Speaker
um The parents are still not convinced. This is their daughter. She's just got head problems. Yes. And so they're they're like riding the line of trying to like treat her like she is who she says she is, which is a different person entirely.
00:46:00
Speaker
But they believe that's their daughter. So she doesn't feel like I guess she has the right to tell her, no, you can't fuck. in my house because it's like, why not? I'm, I'm just staying with you.
00:46:14
Speaker
i you're not my mom. I don't know. It's just so insane that she is just now prisoner to Neil Madonna and his family. And she's like, I guess I have to go live at this nice house. And she's she gets there she's like, I'm smoking inside. Okay, you tell me this is my boyfriend? Well, enjoy this. Because now your daughter's boyfriend is fucking a double amputee loudly upstairs. Yeah.
00:46:41
Speaker
The sex scene's pretty good. It seemed fine. She had her bra on the whole time until ah she took the bra off and you only saw her back. And maybe a little sighted boob.
00:46:52
Speaker
You do. and it's like And it's like a wild enough sex scene that it's like there's a lot of movement from the side And honestly, we've seen way worse sex scenes and with people with all four limbs.
00:47:05
Speaker
This is true. That is true. her Her very helpful boyfriend sneaks her out of the house. And what does she want to go do? Oh, do you want to describe the sneaking out of the house process? Okay.
00:47:21
Speaker
Because when you don't, this movie at this point is dumb enough that this may have been real before we find out it was a ruse. You know, like there was no reason for me to believe that he didn't just finish having the loudest sex of his life in his girlfriend's house, goes down and asks the FBI agents that are watching the house if anyone has a rubber, then steals the parent's car and wildly drives out to go buy condoms. This is now...
00:47:52
Speaker
maybe tied with my number one favorite com condom scene on film. With? It's just, oh, house party. ah you With kid in play. There's a scene in that where he's going have sex and they're, this is from the eighties and they're sitting there talking. He's like, do you have one of those? um What do you call it? um a A condom.
00:48:16
Speaker
But it's presented as if the characters don't know what condoms are. And that's really weird. So that's always been my favorite. But this kid wildly asking FBI agents, do you have a rubber?
00:48:28
Speaker
Does anyone have a rubber? What would he have done if one of them had been like, yeah, kid, and pulled it out of his wallet? Now your whole ruse is ruined because the whole point was that he needed to take the car that, you know, out of the parents' garage because it has Lindsay Lohan in the trunk so that he can sneak her out of the house past the FBI agents. The FBI agents, who, by the way, are there because they think the killer might come and try to to take her.
00:48:58
Speaker
And look that the killer might have realized she didn't actually die. So they are not telling the news that she is alive. hu So it's a C to answer your question about the FBI agents, though. I do think he's like, oh, shit. And then he has to go upstairs and take another crack at Lindsay Lohan. Yeah. And then come back and be like, who has another rubber? need another one.
00:49:23
Speaker
And by the end, he's just like dried up SpongeBob. He has no liquids left to his name. And it's just like, one more time. Oh, God. he needs a cup of orange juice like he just gave blood. um guys damn it.
00:49:47
Speaker
Oh,
00:49:49
Speaker
Do you think an alternate title for this movie was Lilo and Stitches? A-oh! No. No, I don't. um So, the place that she has her boyfriend, well, technically her sister's boyfriend, I guess, take her to is the parents of the other one of the other dead girl.
00:50:12
Speaker
And this is for reasons that are absolutely batch. Like, I cannot wrap my head around it. And I know the reason why from the screenwriter's perspective, is because she needs to go and see that this girl won the same award that Aubrey did and that's how she'll be able to later put together that it was the piano teacher that killed them but it is the most um insane thing that like you've been trapped in this house everyone thinks that you're dead
00:50:51
Speaker
um And the only person who can see you is this boyfriend. And you finally get a chance to escape the house and get away from the FBI agents. And your first thought is, I need to go to the other dead girl's house and torture her parents. Because they immediately start sobbing.
00:51:14
Speaker
Yeah. They're like, why are you here? Yeah. Well, here's the thing. We've seen enough erotic thrillers to know that when the bad thing happens to you, your job, male or female, is to be Batman.
00:51:29
Speaker
Yeah. And it's really hard to be Batman when you're a troubled youth double amputee. Mm-hmm.
00:51:42
Speaker
That's it. i mean, I think that's the answer. That's the answer. You're absolutely right. And that's, that is sort of the problem here is that like the FBI is not going to figure out that these people all had the same fucking piano teacher.
00:51:55
Speaker
um So I guess it's on Lilo to do it. And yeah, Jesus Christ. And then when we finally get to what is the real actual twist. Yes.
00:52:10
Speaker
Of the movie. Neil McDonough, not not the bad guy. not the bad he's He's not a good guy, but he's not the bad guy.
00:52:21
Speaker
He tried to be a good husband, but is definitely a bad guy to me that he won't just out loud say what's happening and try and help his husband.
00:52:33
Speaker
real pretend daughter. Because he doesn't want to ruin his relationship. Yeah, he doesn't want to ruin the marriage. um But okay, so we find out that the password to Aubrey's computer is Dakota.
00:52:50
Speaker
Whoa. She psychically knew that her twin was Dakota. And we find out that she wrote a whole paper, like a whole story about Dakota Moss who has a secret identical twin and Also, the DNA test comes back that they're identical. And so, you know, it's pretty obvious that this is all just a delusion that, you know, she escaped during the torture by pretending it was someone else that it was happening to or something.
00:53:24
Speaker
But meanwhile, um our detective over here isn't satisfied with that answer. Lilo goes and asks the one person who knows the truth. Garrett.
00:53:35
Speaker
She asks Jeeves.
00:53:40
Speaker
Yeah. Even in, what was this movie, 2007? Mm-hmm. hu i think Jeeves was deceased by then. Jeeves was gone.
00:53:51
Speaker
I think Jeeves paid. Is he still around? like if Can i ask Jeeves something at this moment? why Ask him about stigmatic twins. See what he says. Yeah, well, are there real stigmatic twins out there?
00:54:05
Speaker
Jeeves, let me know. Jeeves! Jeeves! Here's the thing. that ah The frustrating thing is that the the whole point of Ask Jeeves was that you would write it as a question and then it would answer it. And she doesn't do that. She just types it like it's a Google search and just is like, non-religious stigmata?
00:54:24
Speaker
Unexplained wounds. Yeah. Well, I still ask Bing the whole question like it's Jeeves. course you fucking do. All right. Fine. And then, um, so Lilo has herself like some real, a real David Lynch moment. There's an owl, there's petals in a river, The owl's hilarious. The owl really made me laugh because. cartoon ass owl. it's With a real like, hoo hoo.
00:54:56
Speaker
And that's how she solves the mystery somehow. Like, is she she has this little dream about petals in the river and ah an owl. And she's like, I got it The owl does a lot of heavy lifting in this for the rest of the movie. That's true. that ow Basically, he doesn't necessarily solve the crime, but he leaves. He saves a life.
00:55:19
Speaker
Two lives. yeah Because if one of them had died, the other one would have died too. So... He saves two lives, that owl. um But yeah, so we find out that like the reason she is in was found in a ditch near where Aubrey lives, even though they didn't live near each other, is because she had found an ah envelope with a New Salem postmark, that's the town where this is happening, that had a little bit of money in it.
00:55:47
Speaker
And seven dollars my limbs are starting to fall off. So I guess my only lead is to go where that postmark tells me to go. Because I have a feeling that maybe have a secret twin or some shit.
00:56:08
Speaker
Garrett. You got on a bus to go to a different state or something because you started losing limbs.
00:56:21
Speaker
Yeah, she's shitty Batman. Yeah. She's shitty Batman. I mean... i mean shit I was trying to think, like who's the shittiest Batman we've seen? My brain just keeps going to Gutenberg, because I just remember that was the one where I was like, I don't want to watch Gutenberg be Batman.
00:56:38
Speaker
I think I said that while we watched it, but i don't even remember why. um no this movie fucking sucks. yeah and so It turns out that Neal McDonough is not actually her dad, ah either of their dads, um that the his real baby died...
00:56:56
Speaker
In childbirth. And so he went to the maternity ward next door and found a crackhead who'd had two babies and said, I will buy one of those off of you.
00:57:13
Speaker
And that's how the twins got separated at birth. But he didn't want to admit any of this because his wife doesn't know. he doesn't He thought it would break her if she found out that um That it wasn't really her baby. And so he doesn't want to help her uncover the mystery, but even though this means that the killer still has the girl he raised as his daughter and could be killing her right now.
00:57:43
Speaker
ah He's like, no, I don't want to i don't want to make my wife sad Do you think that when this movie came out and Neil McDonough's real wife saw this, she was mad at him for the implication that he, at his character at some point had had sex with this woman to create child?
00:58:00
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, we can't have that. Because she wasn't in that? Mm-hmm. So, um, the... the screenwriter ran out of ways for Lindsay Lohan to solve the mystery.
00:58:14
Speaker
And so she just ends up at a ah cemetery and sees the grave that's been dug for one ah for one of the other murdered girls.
00:58:25
Speaker
And um that there's a blue ribbon placed on it by the piano teacher. And now she has solved the mystery and like, bam, Neil McDonough's here too.
00:58:37
Speaker
And he's like, okay, I guess I will help. It did not last that long. it No, it was a very quick ending that sounds like it was made because of the test audiences not liking this all being pretend.
00:58:51
Speaker
But I think the one thing that you constantly like, if you haven't seen this movie, listeners, you've got to constantly remind yourself that while anything we're talking about is happening, she has a robot arm.
00:59:05
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And every little bit, like she'll have to type on a computer and is holding one gigantic fake hand up like she's Chubbs and Happy Gilmore who got her hand bit off by an alligator. there Just never forget that if this doesn't sound quite so stupid, she has a robot hand. Yes. Yes, she does.
00:59:27
Speaker
And um then she turns to Neil McDonough and she says the thing. She says the title of the movie, Garrett. What does she say, Garrett? I know who killed me. And then I cheered, pumped two fists in the air, ran a victory lap around my entire house while shooting a gun in the air and taking swigs of some whiskey, smoking a cig. It was, I had confetti going off. I shot fireworks off. Love a good titular line. yep, yep. And God damn it, they waited until the last 10 minutes of this movie to hit me with a titular line. You didn't think it's coming. It came. So did I. My twin felt it.
01:00:05
Speaker
My twin felt it. And it's like, we should tell somebody. There's no time. i'm like, it's 2007. Y'all have cell phones. I had a cell phone in 2007. What are you fucking talking about?
01:00:21
Speaker
Call the police. Tell them you know who the murderer is. Honestly, technology in this movie might have progressed beyond the cell phones we have now. Because the robot arm technology was wild. We don't have that technology yet, but apparently you have robot arms and robot legs, but you don't have cell phones that could call the fucking police.
01:00:43
Speaker
So, no. that She basically cuts the killer's hand off by doing the Trump handshake. Oh, you know, I didn't really notice that. She's able robot arm, like, pull him in and just saw it off with my aunt's old dishware.
01:00:56
Speaker
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're right. And then he's trying to hack it, but she's got a robot arm. That fucking rocks. Yeah. That's why, like, I kind of love this movie in some ways. Like, it's stupid as shit, but I didn't have a bad time watching it. No, um...
01:01:15
Speaker
Neil McDonough disappears like partway through the ah we're going to save other Lindsay and yeah then reappears to be dead.
01:01:26
Speaker
um So that Lindsay's on her own now. So sorry, neil McDonough, the piano man got you. um You are dead. And Chekhov's super strong handshake ah manages to save the day. um we cut off Piano Man's hand and he's real sad about it. Like he goes and he tries to play the piano with his stump and he's playing, just slamming his stump on the keys and being like in utter despair. Yeah.
01:02:01
Speaker
at how ah how he'll never play the piano again. And he thinks about trying to reattach it, I guess, but he's like, no, and he swipes it off the piano where it was sitting in a bowl of ice. So he was like trying.
01:02:15
Speaker
And there's no way you were going to be able to explain how your hand got cut off to like a hospital or anything. That's for rich people. Those are for rich people. Just sew it back on. How brilliant the score in the last 10 minutes, though? It was pretty great.
01:02:34
Speaker
It was really good piano score. And then when he got his hand cut off, it goes to more one-handed banging piano. That's kind of awesome. Yeah. I mean, it's like dumb, dumb shit, but dumb, dumb symbolism shit. But yeah, it was great. um We also see, you know, we get a better view of his little torture dungeon and there are so many prosthetic legs, like mannequin legs hanging from the ceiling. And I just, I can't, why should his obsession not be the hand part? That's the more important part to play the piano.
01:03:10
Speaker
Yeah, I get It's like, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm not a piano player, so I don't know about the the foot pedals as much, but I feel like I could use either foot. Yeah, I feel like you'd be fine. that that That it's easier to continue playing the piano if you've lost a foot than if you have lost a hand. That seems pretty basic. um the My theory is when he bought this house, he went down into the basement and he saw that it came with just a whole shitload of fake legs.
01:03:46
Speaker
And he was like... This isn't really my thing, but I have a torture dungeon and I have a whole bunch of fake legs. And Auntie's glassware.
01:03:58
Speaker
And Auntie's glassware. I gotta make this work. I gotta i gotta work with what I'm given. Yes, I would prefer to just take both hands and torture them with no hands at all, but i will incorporate a leg instead because I'm working with what I got.
01:04:17
Speaker
yeah When life hands you limbs, make lemonade. Make lemonade, yes. Well done, Garrett. That's the most dad-ass joke I've ever made on this podcast.
01:04:31
Speaker
That was worse than Lilo and Stitches. Yeah, it really was. Why am i doing that today? i feel like I've hit... i don't do that. I don't think ive I do the... I'm not pun guy. you are now. When life hands you limbs, make lemonade. Yeah.
01:04:47
Speaker
god damn it all right Yeah, so she needs to go dig up her sister that's been buried alive, of course. Way easier with a robot hand, honestly. Way easier with a robot hand. The owl shows her where to do it.
01:04:59
Speaker
And the twins are reunited. With a cuddle. Yeah, we have a little cuddle. They just lay there in the dirt. Between them, they have a full set of limbs.
01:05:11
Speaker
yeah there're Because throughout the movie people say things like I felt like half a person I'm missing half my soul it's just you know they're a puzzle piece They fit together now and I assume because she got stitched up and put back together The other one was Her shit was just cauterized and just missing Bro I don't fucking know Don't go looking into the logic of this And yeah they just lay there in the dirt I guess And that's it. End movie. Would you watch the three and a half hour cut of this? Because I'll tell you this, I'm getting up and putting in a second disc if I have to for the rest of this. You wouldn't get up and put in a second disc for Lord of the Rings, but you would for Lindsay Lohan's I Know Who Killed Me.
01:05:59
Speaker
Yeah, because this does this is one of those... Man, I didn't think it was this bad yesterday, but as we talk about it, it is this bad. Yeah.
01:06:10
Speaker
And you can clearly see, like, I think it is a very fun watch. It is just, like, a really trashy Giallo movie. Yes. But i think you one with Blue! Blue!
01:06:24
Speaker
like it is it is a faux art house movie. And I think... I think without having looked up anything, it felt like the director maybe thought it was an arthouse movie.
01:06:35
Speaker
But I also look to see what the director does now. okay Remember all those straight to video Bruce Willis and John Travolta action movies? Yeah, sure.
01:06:46
Speaker
He wrote most of them, it seems. fascinating okay he doesn't direct he's writing this dog shit straight to video which honestly like he didn't write this movie so i don't know what his writing abilities are like it seems like maybe some of those are good i don't know yeah probably not yeah um
01:07:09
Speaker
i don't know what to make of it I do know what to make of it. I'm lying. I know what to make of it. And what i what i'm making of it is if this were a student film made by someone who was a senior in college, I would be so impressed.
01:07:26
Speaker
I'd be like, wow, you really got something there. maybe not a senior, a sophomore in college. I'd be really impressed with like the technical aspects of it for student. It does see really good looks like a movie. It looks like a real movie, but all of the writing and directing choices feel like a student movie.
01:07:47
Speaker
So I would be very impressed and very, for for a child to have done this, which is why I think having it be a screenwrite, like at the end that this was all a story that a college student wrote, like if they had kept that ending, then I could have been like, oh, all of it makes sense. The reason they oversaturated the screen with blue for really dumb dramatic shots is because that's what was written in this script by a teenager. Yeah.
01:08:22
Speaker
It all makes sense. all right, let's do this thing, though. Garrett, were you aroused scale of one to five? More than I would have thought.
01:08:33
Speaker
What? I've never been Lindsay Lohan guy. i didn't like her back then. But I think that her journey and where she is now from where this started, getting her life back on track, she seems like a nice person.
01:08:49
Speaker
um i don't know. That makes you horny? The fact that she had a hard life and then good for her, she's got her life back on track makes you horny?
01:09:02
Speaker
Well, when you say it out loud, it sounds like it could be in this movie. I'm just so proud of you. And that also makes me want to fuck you. really happy for you. You had a hard go of it.
01:09:19
Speaker
You know what? Let's bone down. I'm crying. Yes, I am that stupid. you I was reading thing? Do you feel this way about Brendan Fraser? Like he had his big career comeback for the whale and you're like, damn.
01:09:38
Speaker
um I didn't watch that one. ah You know what? Out of curiosity, I'd fuck whale Brendan Fraser. Yeah.
01:09:47
Speaker
This movie, apparently she didn't even want to learn her lines and was like, they gave her cue cards for a lot of it. And I'll tell you, I didn't notice. I did. Did you? I didn't. I don't know. was expecting her to be so much worse because I also saw the movie that came out around the same time, Georgia Rule, where she like blows Jane Fonda's, don't remember was Jane Fonda, like Jane Fonda's grandson on a boat or something. I don't know. wasn't very good.
01:10:13
Speaker
That movie did suck and wasn't fun. Um, I guess I'll go two still. You talked me out of it. Two? You were gonna go higher? Yeah, she was good at the burlesque Oh, for God's sake.
01:10:29
Speaker
It's not one. It's better than one. And then the... It's one. It's a one. You see half a second of titties and her dancing real slow.
01:10:44
Speaker
To pretty good music, though. She was doing it the Melvins. To pretty good music. That's not enough. That's not enough for me. Maybe um um just have higher standards than you.
01:10:55
Speaker
I think that you have something against other redheads. Damn. Okay. Trying to make it personal. Yeah. I'm dumb and you're mean to redheads. Fuck you. I love redheads. You sent it personal to me too. You can't just call me fucking dumb. and then Yes, I can. All right.
01:11:16
Speaker
Were you thrilled, garrett I was pretty icked out from this one. There was a lot of gross violence. I'm going to go three and a half. like I don't think like I was thrilled by the plot, but like by the just the brutality of the violence and the sickness of sawing the fingers off, sewing them back on, cutting the hand off, sewing it back on. That's fucked up and crazy. That's a level of crazy I haven't thought about. i'll go three and a half.
01:11:42
Speaker
Um, yeah, I was gonna say that because the symbolism and the foreshadowing and all that are so heavy handed, it's never really in doubt what the twist is. Like, I was never, i never thought that maybe she was just delusional.
01:11:55
Speaker
It always seemed pretty obvious they were two different people. Um, and the part about, like, the babies being switched at birth with the crack baby, the crack mom, like, that all seemed very obvious. So wasn't, like, on the edge of my seat for the twists or anything.
01:12:10
Speaker
But the gore was certainly upsetting. um And, you know, I wasn't bored or anything. No, it was a fun watch. I kept thinking that maybe like another thing would get cut. Like like a pinky would suddenly go missing while she's, you know, out here looking for the killer. And that would have been amazing um to really up the threat of like your sister's dying and like you are going to lose more pieces of yourself until you find her. i think that would have been more fun.
01:12:42
Speaker
um But that didn't happen. So I'm gonna put it it at 2.5. Okay. Okay. okay And um are you ruining your life for that piano man? Are you taking those piano lessons and then quitting piano?
01:12:55
Speaker
Sing us a song, piano man. ah No, no piano man. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not going to take the piano lessons in the first place because that guy creeped me the fuck out. I don't care how many young artist awards his students win. What about Fat Tina?
01:13:14
Speaker
Ruining your life for Fat Tina? I'm not calling her that. it's her proper name i dont understandn i don't understand understand would you ruin your life for for lin for lino or for um the weird jock boyfriend actually i guess it's sort of the weird jock boyfriend is the reason lino leaves her friends so it's sort of jock boyfriend's fault He actually, things get better for him with the kidnapping because he has like the best sex of his life with ah with a stranger.
01:13:50
Speaker
and he doesn't had get to feel, like I don't think he has to feel bad about that because he thought he was fucking his girlfriend. So he didn't cheat in his mind. He was,
01:14:02
Speaker
ah Oh, God. Was that rape? He was blessed. No, it's not rape. It was consensual because he also knew going in that it was Dakota and he called her Dakota. Yeah, okay. So maybe he did cheat on his girlfriend, but that's fine. He's got a new girlfriend now.
01:14:19
Speaker
Yeah, she's great. One who's really good at sex. And part cyborg. And part cyborg, which helps a lot. She can get a really good grip. Oh, God. come now come A really good grip.
01:14:33
Speaker
Um, yeah, I'm not ruining my life for any of these people. Nope. But hey, happy we watched it. I got to run. But rate, review, subscribe.
01:14:44
Speaker
Erotic Thriller Club at gmail.com. Erotic Thriller Club on Instagram. Questions, comments, concerns. Recommendations. What do you think? We love to hear recommendations. Tell your friends.
01:14:57
Speaker
Did you see the twists coming? I don't know. I don't know. Are you somebody who believes like, cause this is a cult classic. Now I've found like there is a whole group. It makes sense. This is a total midnight movie that there would be people that love this, but yeah.
01:15:11
Speaker
Hey, we love you. Thank you for listening. Wet your snails. Get out your best blue China.
01:15:21
Speaker
I know who killed you.
01:15:24
Speaker
Shake you naked. Eat you alive.
01:15:41
Speaker
We're serious and dangerous and oh yes.