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Black Magic Woman (1991)
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This week on the Erotic Thriller Club we watch a sexy tale of magic and infidelity. Not only does Mark Hamill cheat on his girlfriend but ends up with a witches hex in the process! Poor buddy.
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Transcript
Meeting Introduction and Film Overview
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, your primary witch doctor and gather around your radio. It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.
Discussion on 'Black Magic Woman' and Mark Hamill's Role
00:00:22
Speaker
And oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the ages So if you're fatally attracted to the raciest stuff Arotic Film Club Basically instinctively craps the salacious Arotic Film Club If you want a raciest movie and you're too classic, we're smart
00:01:05
Speaker
White hot sex machine Luke Skywalker is an art dealer with fidelity issues. One minute he's smoochin', the next minute he's fallen victim to a witch's curse. What's a Jedi to do?
00:01:17
Speaker
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, Black Magic Woman.
Hosts Introduce Key Genre Questions
00:01:23
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's Meetin' to the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here.
00:01:29
Speaker
And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would I ruin my life for this person? I want to say that this one, i never check our email kit.
00:01:42
Speaker
Why are you telling them at the top to to that you don't check the email, that then at the end you tell them to send stuff to? Garrett, you're monster. I'm a monster, but you know, maybe a few months down the line, I check it. And a time that I'm like, what are we going to watch this week? And I saw that our, our pal Cam from the Jacked Up Review Show podcast recommended this
Debate on Mark Hamill's Acting and Character Performance
00:02:08
Speaker
film. He had, he had had a few that he had recommended and I saw this one had Mark Hamill that immediately struck my interest. Absolutely. Uh, I mean, I, I really wish we'd seen Luke Skywalker's, but, but you know,
00:02:23
Speaker
You can't always get what you want. This movie made me ask a question I'd never asked before. Okay. That sounds exciting. Does Mark Hamill suck?
00:02:34
Speaker
No. Garrett. Garrett, you shut your stupid mouth. Okay. Come on. He's the voice of the Joker in Batman Animated Series. Take out any voice acting work. No, can't just take it away. What do you mean take it away? I can't.
00:02:53
Speaker
Okay, so we have the Star Wars both trilogies. The newest one and the the original. He was Cockknocker in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
00:03:07
Speaker
Okay. He's the Joker and he's in SpongeBob. What else you got? Did I need anything else? I'm not saying he doesn't have a storied career.
Actress Apollonia's Role and Mononamed Celebrity Commentary
00:03:20
Speaker
I'm saying does Mark Hamill suck? I'm saying the fact that you are discounting everyone's favorite Jedi um just because you didn't like him in a movie where he has to pretend to have chemistry with the worst actor I've ever seen captured on film ah is not fair.
00:03:45
Speaker
Are we talking about one of the ladies from this film? Yes, I am. who Which one? Which one? being dead ass serious with you right now.
00:03:56
Speaker
I did not believe ah Cassandra it was her name, right? I did not believe a single word that came out of her mouth, including when she introduced herself and gave her name.
00:04:11
Speaker
Okay. That's how terrible she was. Cassandra was played by Apollonia, mononamed person. Respect it. This is maybe a month of mononamed people.
Cast Member Introductions and Chemistry Analysis
00:04:21
Speaker
Has Sinbad done a sex movie that we can do next week?
00:04:27
Speaker
Turns out Man of the House, lot less sexy than it sounds. I'm trying to think of other great mononyms. Surely Cher has done one. I don't know. I think Cher didn't need to do one. i mean, just because you don't. I mean, Donna didn't need to She did it anyway.
00:04:45
Speaker
Apollonia, though, famous for purple rain. Uh-huh. And then Mark Hamill is our lead Brad. And his lady friend is played by Amanda Weiss.
00:04:58
Speaker
ah She is Diane, who she was Tina in Nightmare on Elm Street, the first person to get killed by Freddy Krueger. And I more... Also, ah Lisa from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Judge Reinhold's girlfriend that breaks up with her. So, you know, three people that I was very excited to see, Bang, and what I saw them do in this movie. Kit, I swear to God, I have never seen this much kissing in any movie that's ever existed.
00:05:33
Speaker
and ah like This much kissing, which, by the way, none of them seem particularly into. It is... Right? Like, the look on their faces is very... yep this is a thing I'm doing in exchange for money.
00:05:50
Speaker
What... Okay, so 1991, we're done with the Star Wars trilogy. Yeah. he's Mark Hamill's sitting on a pile of cash.
00:06:01
Speaker
yeah How does this come across his lap? like how does this how like He needs to do something not in space, he must have thought. going to kiss on Prince's gal. oh is that why Is that not good enough?
00:06:16
Speaker
I don't know. I never so much as a thrust.
00:06:23
Speaker
No, no, no, no, no. no his ah Mark Hamill's hips do not lie, nor do they move. I'm not convinced this character knows what sex is. What are you talking about? Selling art demands a certain sexuality, Garrett.
00:06:41
Speaker
He tells us this up front. He also says the line, I like sex, but I never see him have it.
00:06:53
Speaker
Garrett there are boobs there is a lot of kissing people so lot of women take their tops off
00:07:03
Speaker
is that not good enough for you there were that there was there was side boob there was a little a little bit of front boob is that not enough sex for you Garrett you wanted more sex I know that somewhere down the road, you are going to slander my boy, Stephen Baldwin, who provided us with way more than Mark Hamill did.
00:07:28
Speaker
are you Are you really going to sit there in front of God and the listeners and everyone and say that you think Stephen Baldwin did a better job of acting in his erotic thrillers than Mark Hamill did here?
00:07:45
Speaker
Actually, i think at least in Zebra Lounge, I think he was. Yeah. I don't think. No, I'm. Garrett, I'm... Okay, this is no longer a podcast. This is now an intervention. Something has gone terribly wrong. I think you may have a brain worm.
00:08:05
Speaker
did you Have you been hanging out with RFK Jr.? Do you have butt worms in your brain now? What are you talking about? i like so sex. Ha ha ha!
00:08:16
Speaker
i He didn't write line. Try saying i like sex in a way that makes you sound even a little bit cool. You can't. The character was written badly. That's not on him.
00:08:29
Speaker
i think he wasn't very good in this movie, Kit. i Let's get into this movie, though, because the opening of this movie, like, the I'll be honest, the first 30 minutes had me in a big, bad way. I loved the kissing, but I thought we were going to move beyond it eventually, which we don't. But no, we're not going to get to second base here, Garrett.
00:08:52
Speaker
I think if you... add up all of the minutes of kissing from every rom-com in 2025, it won't touch the number of minutes that Mark Hamill spends kissing. Like every sex scene, like this movie, by the end, I was questioning, was it PG-13? No, because we saw just our team, I mean, maybe. we we You do see a boob. You see two of them at least. And a side. and But you're right. I don't know that that is enough to get you.
00:09:28
Speaker
The boobs are enough to get it are. But I was even trying to think like there's not an outrageous amount of violence or profanity in this film. ah Let's start with the top. Stuffed in a fridge, Garrett. Yeah. That's true. There is a little blood. Okay, so yeah, we open with ah music that starts as like snake charmer meets smooth jazz and then becomes Suspiria intercut with African drums.
00:10:03
Speaker
set like yeah right To me, it sounded like the main score from Nightmare on Elm Street when you were watching this old lady walk down the street. And then when it cuts to words, then it gets to that yeah the African drums and the bongos. Yeah, it's cutting between suburbia and black credits. And the credits have African drums. And ah the the suburbia scenes sound to to me like it they so they ripped off Goblin.
00:10:34
Speaker
the the the composer for Suspiria. And you know what? That could be because there are some Giallo inspired elements in this movie.
00:10:46
Speaker
No there's gloves ah roadhead accidents. No roadhead accidents. I really, I mean, not, there weren't Giallo elements in that, like there was a lot of fun sex. I just mean that they showed a lot of knives and gloved Yeah.
00:11:04
Speaker
My favorite part of all those movies. i Yeah, right? we We open with a seance with a bunch of old witches. and Yeah, these old ladies meet up in like an ah but an abandoned like suburban house. and it By the way, this is the picture in your mind, the worst suburbia. like the most...
00:11:26
Speaker
ah copy pasted houses with no yards to speak of because they fill up every last square inch of the lot ah my hell picture that as the suburbia we're talking about um and then yes the witches are here In my mind, 30 to 40 years from now, this was our entire female friend group in college.
00:11:54
Speaker
and This is all of y'all. Ashley from Keep It Weird was there hosting it all. You were there. My wife was there. Y'all are just a rubbing oil on a a hot young body.
00:12:09
Speaker
Yeah, it did seem like um yeah they rubbed some green gloop on her and I started to wonder if it was like one of those mud treatments, you know, that you get at the spa. You're drinking magic teas and then you disappear up the chimney like Santa Claus.
00:12:26
Speaker
Well, chanting um in in Latin so that it sounds fancier, I'm pretty sure it was just like time consume green. Time consume green. Which sounds a lot less um sort of mystical and sexy when you you translate it from Latin.
00:12:50
Speaker
And then, yeah, that's where we're at. And then we leave suburbia, by the way. We're straight up in L.A. for, like, the rest of the movie. You see ah Mark Hamill lives in a ah cool loft above ah an art gallery.
00:13:07
Speaker
um And ah the witch doctor he goes to and the, you know, femme fatale, they don't live in suburbia.
00:13:20
Speaker
It is very weird to open with the iconic image of like suburbia and then we leave suburbia and do not come back. Yeah, but wasn't like Tim Burton's idea of suburbia just Burbank? Like that was that was like his hell with his his droopy hair, his floopy hair in high school. He hated living in suburbia and then just over the hills Hollywood.
00:13:48
Speaker
So, I mean, it's possible that the when he's having dinner at the end of the movie, they are in Burbank. That's possible. Yeah, they were just in like Glendale for the first for the first scene, and the rest of this is is elsewhere. The clothes in this movie, wild, because it is 1991 fashion, but everyone's dressed like Robin Williams doing stand-up.
00:14:17
Speaker
Yes, Mark Hamill wears the loudest shirts imaginable, and he is an art gallery owner, so you'd think he'd want to dress in a way that screams like tasteful. But no, no, no, no. He needs to dress. Yeah, like I can't i can't come up with a better ah description for it than you just nailed it with Robin Williams doing stand-up. It it is so loud of prints and colors.
00:14:42
Speaker
um Except for towards the end of the movie when he's not feeling well and then he's dressed in a Canadian tuxedo. Yeah, he does get very sickly through this movie in a way that also affects his clothing.
00:14:57
Speaker
Yes, that's what happens when you're not feeling well, Garrett, is you wear your ratty, sad, stained white shirt and jeans in bed. That part offended me, um honestly. stained shirt, though, was stained beyond a level of use.
00:15:15
Speaker
ah Yeah, no no. That shirt has to be at least 20 years old and hard hard-worked. He just doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would own it. Picture a day at a music festival, like you're at a warp tour for the whole day. You're sweaty. There's dirt flying in the air. And picture you didn't wash that shirt and just went to bed in it and continued to wear it the next day. That's Mark Hamill when the witch gives him leukemia.
00:15:50
Speaker
he is He is a very flirtatious man for a guy who seems to have no intention of having sex with anyone. Or possibly have ever had sex before. he The idea of it, loves the foreplay of it. Yes. huh He just loves kissing.
00:16:10
Speaker
Yeah, so he tells his partner, Diane, who is his business partner and slash girlfriend, that he does not want to marry, that he only flirts with all of the the people at the art gallery because he wants to sell them paintings. And that's how you sell paintings is by flirting. mean, he grabs a chubby older lady's ass. Like he is he and walking around being an absolute creep.
00:16:39
Speaker
Yes. That's how you sell paintings. You just don't know because you're not in the art business. yeah There is a certain sexuality to it that I don't think I could handle. Obviously.
00:16:49
Speaker
But yeah, he he's ah gets his meet cute with Cassandra, are our ah sexy ah Latina woman who is wearing foundation that's about three shades too light for her so that her face is a lot paler than like her tits are, which I found very amusing.
00:17:10
Speaker
And ah she doesn't know that she's not supposed to touch art. That's their meet cute, is that she's manhandling the art. He goes to holler at her for it and immediately doesn't care anymore because she's so hot. He stops mid sentence like an idiot and it's just the, o and aggressively flirts with her in front of his girlfriend and God and all the art fans. All the art is just basically busts of tits.
00:17:42
Speaker
Yes. That's what, that's what art was in the nineties. Garrett, you just don't remember. Yeah. Where did all that go and how do we get our hands on something? It's got to be so cheap now. so That's a good point. It's probably all at garage sales and stuff like that because everybody's getting rid of their boob paintings.
00:17:59
Speaker
That's what it was before Thomas Kinkade came in and fucked it all up
00:18:06
Speaker
You're so right, Garrett. Before Thomas Kinkade started being the painter of light, it was all boobs. It was nothing but pictures of boobs. And then, sorry. Which he loved secretly. I'm sure he had that collection himself. I saw the documentary.
00:18:23
Speaker
I didn't see the documentary. How was it? That's pretty good. i way we We talked about it in a whole episode on here. Yeah, but I never actually got around to it.
00:18:34
Speaker
um so yes diane is not his wife and he it's he thinks he's too young for marriage um and they definitely first of all helpful life tip people don't start a business with your fuck buddy that's not smart i guess i wasn't clear maybe they he's gonna try and sleep with anyone that touches that art gallery is the problem yeah
00:19:04
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's pretty clear that you that he's not ah the Marion type, perhaps. I feel like his character really needed a best friend to talk to, to make him less- single friend, yeah. Yeah, one friend.
00:19:20
Speaker
any friend at all. Anyone other than his housekeeper that he can talk to and be like, yeah, you know- I want to marry her, but anytime I think about popping the question, i just freeze up and I start to feel like I'm dying. I'm just, I can't, I don't want, you know, like something that gives a little insight into his personality and makes him seem like less of an asshole. Because she says, if you want to see other women, just, why don't you just say so? And he says, no, he does not want to see other women. But then he keeps saying,
00:19:53
Speaker
Flirting and seeing when, yeah. And they have one little fight and he's like ready to go to pound town immediately with the next person. He got one little fight and Mark got scared and he went to go have sex with Apollonia downstairs. ah It's true. She broke into the gallery or worse, never left and just like hid in the bathroom until after closing time.
00:20:23
Speaker
um The champagne popping. So as he walks in and sees her standing there, this champagne appears to just pop the cork on its own and looks just like a coming penis. Like shot. the Closest you'll get to coming in this movie, Garrett. So enjoy it It was that bottle of champagne popping gave me a promise that could not be delivered. It was like Mark, Mark Hamill telling me that he isn't going to sleep with anyone else. Even though he kind did.
00:20:57
Speaker
Uh, we actually do play the song black magic women as the, we, you know, um, ah frolic around the gallery and kissing sculpture titties. Yeah.
00:21:11
Speaker
I mean, Garrett, we have seen at this point, multiple movies in which people have poured champagne on tits and licked it off and it's excellent every time. and this time they did it to a sculpture and that just doesn't, it doesn't do it for me. Yeah.
00:21:26
Speaker
How going to sell that? That's your livelihood. You're, you're licking on. Yeah.
00:21:34
Speaker
And they make it very clear that this man's number one goal is money and his number two goal is sex. So it doesn't. Yeah. Sorry. His number one goal is money. His number two goal is kissing. And I just don't understand why he's willing to put that sculpture on the line like that.
00:21:53
Speaker
i do I don't know. i mean, are they, is this where they have their sex scene? Do they move upstairs yet? Or do they just start? they suck down here. Yeah. they had And you do see him kiss titties. Mm-hmm.
00:22:07
Speaker
Which is the most erotic thing other than the champagne cork going. There's a lot of dramatic cuts away to ah the art being erotic because the sex is not. So... In order to not show her face not enjoying having sex, they have to cut to erotic you know paintings and sculptures instead.
00:22:30
Speaker
They do eventually find their way upstairs where we see them wake up the next morning, walk downstairs where they interact with Carlita, the housekeeper, who must just be...
00:22:46
Speaker
a safe of all of his infidelities, not willing to tell his girl. She knows everybody involved in this. Absolutely. And this bitch is ride or die. She is not going to give him up for anything. She watches this woman leave and the next woman walk in the door two seconds later and doesn't miss a beat. And he's like, Hey, um, can you, um,
00:23:15
Speaker
change my cum sheets and she's like you got it boss you're actually she I guess she is technically his best friend in this movie because she's the only one that tries to give him advice like I think you're going too hard on being a puss hound right now also take a shower gross boy And like a comedy of doors and Frasier, the second Apollonia walks out, are his his business partner, Diane walks in And yeah, she she's for no reason at all completely over their fight, which was pretty serious.
00:23:53
Speaker
Today, she's not thinking about it. Whatever. She does say something in that scene. Mm-hmm. that foreshadows stuff to basically, spoiler alert, I don't think at any point in this movie, I never didn't think that it wasn't just his girlfriend, the only person he's wronging the entire movie.
00:24:14
Speaker
I mean, he also does wrong, wrongs both women, but he is certainly wronging Diane more because Diane, he has been with presumably for years at this point.
00:24:26
Speaker
He's wrong in Apollonia in a hilarious way, though, where he is looking insane, thinking she's a witch or something. But like the whole time, I'm just like, well, this is the witch. He's the only person he is actively pissing off in this movie is his actual girlfriend. The reason I knew that his girlfriend was the real witch was because they kept showing a gloved hands doing all the witchcrafty shit. And I was like, oh, that's because his girlfriend has bright red fingernails. And they... ah
00:25:01
Speaker
They have to keep it a secret. Well, why do they have to keep it a secret? ah Because it's going to be it's going to be the big twist that it's the white lady and and not the woman who actually speaks Spanish.
00:25:13
Speaker
The white lady is, in fact, the one who's leaving a dead chicken above your bed. But she asks him in that scene, the last thing she says to him before they walk out of the room is, how would you like your eggs?
00:25:25
Speaker
Garrett! this movie's genius. Garrett, this movie's ingenious. And he says, whoa. And that's a like a throwaway line that you're never going to remember unless you watch the whole movie and go back and catch it on a second try.
00:25:44
Speaker
Garrett, look at you. See, this movie's this movie's very smart and you don't appreciate it enough. It's so fucking dumb. It also begins and ends with talking about price. Like it opens in the gallery, right? With ah them talking about like the most important thing about art is that it's expensive.
00:26:04
Speaker
And at the end, when grandma's like, I hope it was worth four lives so you could bag a husband. She's like, everything has its price, grandma. And Mark Hamill is worth four bodies.
00:26:22
Speaker
i like Yes, they they think they sell 20 paintings to Crazy Carl from Billy Madison. And that leads to another sex scene in a shower.
00:26:33
Speaker
Yeah, basically it's an excuse to get her out of the city so that he can fuck Cassandra for several days. um This is the best shower sex scene in the history of shower sex scenes.
00:26:49
Speaker
Go on. Awkward shots of legs touching. yep yeahp In a manner that you can only see the legs doing it, but they're touching in such an awkward position that my brain is just trying to fill in the puzzle pieces of what could their torsos possibly be doing. To make their legs landing. The answer is that their torsos were just like neatly stacked to one side of each other. Their torsos did not meet. I don't think the legs are in between and the torsos are hooked around so that no one touches anyone's but like boobs.
00:27:23
Speaker
Okay. Okay. So that those extras didn't touch parts. Okay. Okay. Also in this, I feel like most shower sex scenes, people are just wet, kissing, pushing on the glass. This movie, you have never seen two people who are actually using the shower for its intended purpose. ah They are so lathered. There's so much soap on these two people. It's too much soap.
00:27:51
Speaker
no I'm sorry. Did you not want? I thought that your whole thing was that you wanted to soap up Alicia Silverstone's back, Garrett. Was that not what we learned in The Babysitter?
00:28:04
Speaker
i wanted to soap. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. like all any man wants to do because she was still underage at the time. they could just so all they do is keep talking about soaping up her back.
00:28:16
Speaker
I'm sure we talked about this then in the other one, but it just once again made me think, have you ever heard the Sarah Silverman joke where she said, if you take a shower with your boyfriend, I'll assure you one thing, your breasts will be sparkling clean.
00:28:31
Speaker
True. And um here's the thing. a mouthful of soap kissing on them. Sorry. it was That was weird about this shower scene compared to other shower scenes that we have seen. And for me, the weirdest part was how much you saw the water hitting them in the face.
00:28:48
Speaker
And how much they both looked annoyed by it every time it happened. It felt like someone um on the production crew was intentionally screwing with them by like putting it directly in their eyes so that they would blink and and look annoyed right as they are trying to look like they want to fuck each other. Which they clearly do not. These two have negative chemistry together.
00:29:15
Speaker
Well, I did see that Apollonia was dating um David Lee Roth from Van Halen while she filmed this. So maybe he was above them, just more soap in them so that they just couldn't see. He will not see my girlfriend's breasts. Neither will the audience because they are going to be full covered in soap. When he goes down to kiss those, things he's now got soap in his mouth.
00:29:39
Speaker
Like, I'm not saying the juice isn't worth the squeeze in the situation. I'm just saying... finish washing how far did they get into washing before they started this i barely think it started as an actual shower and then they decided like hey you know what you can do in a shower with two people yes yes you ever rub the inside of your thighs together with mine watch what i'm doing with my legs looks like a guy riding a unicycle two people riding a unicycle with their legs directions
00:30:19
Speaker
ah Seriously, though, I like she's not even trying. Like if this is what having sex, like I don't think this woman could fake an orgasm in the way that Meg Ryan so famously does. I think she just cannot ah because there is no faked passion on her face whatsoever. She is wet.
00:30:40
Speaker
She is cold. She is annoyed. And it is obvious that. Which, when she gets so obsessed with him and, like, is talking about, like, picking out Christmas presents, even though it's June and she's been dating him for three days, um I'm like, but why?
00:31:00
Speaker
You don't even like the sex and the sex is all you do. Like, she tries to ask him questions about his life and, like, what do you like? And he's like, I like sex.
00:31:11
Speaker
And she's like, I'm trying to have an adult conversation with you. He is incapable. But haven't you ever had a friend who it seemed like them and their significant other had nothing in common other than they've touched each other's parts?
00:31:27
Speaker
and you're just like And they wanted to touch each other's parts all the time. Yeah, but they don't want to touch each other's parts, Garrett. They want to ride unicycles in opposing directions. Ha ha ha!
00:31:39
Speaker
And that's what best friends are for. You need a friend, not a sex partner. That is so true. We need at least just one scene of Mark Hamill, like golfing with a, with a buddy or something, just anything to show that he has someone else in his life to talk to. That's what he really needed.
00:32:01
Speaker
Do we see another man in this movie that isn't bizarre? Because now that I'm thinking about it, the guy who's going to the 20 paintings is weird. The witch doctor is a fucking witch doctor. The cops, one is insane and one is autistic.
00:32:18
Speaker
Yeah, the cops were a whole thing. We'll get to that. But yeah, no, there are no normal men in this movie, which may be why Diane is so desperate to bag herself a husband is because apparently all the men are psychotic.
00:32:38
Speaker
There's five choices and Mark Hamill's the most handsome. Yes. Easily. Not a problem. Decision made. Okay. After the shower unicycle session...
00:32:53
Speaker
I love she's sitting at a park like on a picnic table eating. he speeds to that picnic table in a manner that Mark Hamill shouldn't have. I'm pretty sure he hit the picnic table with that Corvette thing that he's driving. throw They throw away the lunch and go for a walk.
00:33:11
Speaker
And there an insane person. Because they don't have time for a lunch. They don't have time for lunch, Garrett. He says, like, i don't have time for lunch. I got places to be. And she's like, then fuck the lunch. And throws it in the trash. And he laughs. And now they have time to go walk in the park and listen to a street preacher.
00:33:28
Speaker
But they didn't have time to eat a sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the street preacher looks like somebody from what we do in the shadows and his formed a crowd bigger than any local band in any city could get to come watch play music.
00:33:50
Speaker
Absolutely, and just yes. just a real wide variety of people. And this isn't like, you were using the word street preacher very loosely. This is a lunatic.
00:34:02
Speaker
yeah A lunatic holding a Bible. Yes, but you're right. Other than that, there's nothing to distinguish him as a street preacher. He's just a lunatic with a Bible yelling at a crowd of enraptured people who all want to listen to a man that any one of us would actually just carefully try not to make eye contact with as we hurriedly shuffle past.
00:34:25
Speaker
You see a lunatic. I see an eligible bachelor in the world that has been built around me. Yeah, Diane, get get this man instead. This eligible bachelor. Then we get to see her house and find out she's a little weird. She owns some some primitive art that she mixes with modern pieces. All of her furniture looks like it's owned by a grandma witch.
00:34:57
Speaker
Which I do believe is part of like the red herring that she is supposed to be the one who's going to be the evil witch is because her house does look like it is owned by a grandma slash witch.
00:35:12
Speaker
I can't state, though, because so early on, you just like, i don't know. It never crossed my mind that she was really going to be the witch by the end of this. So as he is harassing her, as this movie goes on, that makes for so ah such a funnier movie because she's also living Fatal Attraction.
00:35:34
Speaker
They both think they're fatal attraction in each other. Oh, shit. You're right. Oh, that's really funny. See, this is why this is a good movie, Garrett. It is two people who think the other is insane constantly screaming at the other one. Like, stop doing horrible things to me. Yeah.
00:35:54
Speaker
Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we'll get to some of it. but So she is a little too attached. She gives him her good luck jade figurine that she inherited.
00:36:07
Speaker
ah she he tries to not accept it, but then she's like, no, no, no no strings attached. Just take it. And she's talking about- Well, the first time you and I met, I gave you my grandfather's pocket watch.
00:36:19
Speaker
I was like, there's just something about the cut of your jib. this is about I just know we're going to be lifelong friends. And I feel like you need this. And it's not haunted, I swear. yeah all that would explain a few things.
00:36:33
Speaker
Ah, the ghouls. The ghouls. ah Yeah, so... ah the girlfriend comes back from New York and she did sell all the paintings.
00:36:46
Speaker
We thought she might not for a minute, but the good luck charm worked, I guess. And the crazy guy bought all the paintings. So he's hugging his girlfriend and who should be on the other side of the window looking in?
00:36:59
Speaker
but his side piece who throws a tantrum in the middle of the gallery and even breaks some art and he slaps her. And this is supposed to show how unhinged she is so that you think that maybe she would do some witchcraft.
00:37:15
Speaker
um
00:37:18
Speaker
She does seem like she's taking things a little far, but he is. Yeah. Hey, she liked him. We've all fallen for somebody that we shouldn't faster than than you should have. Yeah, and you gave them great-grandmama's jade figurine, though you'd met them three days ago. Yeah.
00:37:40
Speaker
She did know that she was the other woman, though. He specifically said that he was not married, and... that's Yeah, but that's... And... ah it seemed to me like he was trying to imply when he saw her that night that he and Diane had broken up.
00:38:04
Speaker
And that's what it felt like. Okay. I don't know. think a lot a lot of it was her interpreting it how she wanted and him letting her interpret it how she wanted.
00:38:19
Speaker
Do you think, though, that what he did, if if his girlfriend got to see what he did with this woman and their two sessions, clearly she would be angry.
00:38:33
Speaker
She was angry when he was just flirting with her. So, yeah, she's gonna be angry when he's kissing her soapy boobs. Is that worse than penetration?
00:38:44
Speaker
On a level of cheating, where does what Mark Hamill did fall? Because I think it's the kissing, the sheer amount of kissing so intimate. And unicycle stuff. Is this like a pretty woman thing? Like kissing on the mouth is more intimate than having sex?
00:39:06
Speaker
I think if she saw a video of what happened, she would have rather them just boned. and it be done. But he- Garrett, are you sure you're not just putting your yourself in this position that you wanted them to just bone and stop kissing?
00:39:23
Speaker
Maybe you're projecting a little bit. I'm just saying what he did felt worse to me. Like, it like if I saw it, she's like, you guys kissed for, like, three hours.
00:39:36
Speaker
So, if I'm sorry, you're finding out that your wife it kissed someone else for three hours versus your wife had full-on penetrative sex with someone else for three hours. Which are you more mad about? Well, the sex isn't going to last three hours. Like, I mean...
00:39:57
Speaker
Yeah, they took a break, got sandwiches, and went back to it. I don't know. There's still just something about that that's like, the end game is to come. I don't know what Mark Hamill's end game is. there's but Oh, God.
00:40:17
Speaker
So he loses both girlfriends in one one fatal stroke here because ah both of them see each other in the gallery and a big scene is made.
00:40:30
Speaker
um So what does our boy do to cheer himself up, Garrett? He buys a big old pair of bikini cut granny panties. And brings himself home a new floozy.
00:40:46
Speaker
To kiss. To kiss, kid. he kisses her. Well, he stops having he stops doing what he's doing with her because he can't get it up anymore.
00:40:58
Speaker
I don't know if that was ever his goal. He's like, oh, this wine is starting to make me drunk. I haven't seen him drink. We have not seen them drink. How'd he get there? This woman, like they kiss tits again or something, but it's all kissing.
00:41:13
Speaker
It's just kissing. He takes the blanket away from her to. Just kissing. And, but then he's like, I don't want to do this anymore.
00:41:25
Speaker
It was weird for a second. Yeah, it was. Are you are we good? think we're good. Okay, it didn't like give me any warnings or anything. You just disappeared. But yeah, I love that he pulls the sheet off of her ah ha to reveal her breasts, but to cover himself. And then i you find out when he uncovers and stands up, he's wearing the most insane pair of men's underwear it's that's ever existed. It's genuinely...
00:41:53
Speaker
i I didn't know. i don't even know how to describe the cut of this underwear because it's not briefs. It's not boxers. It's not boxer briefs. It's not even really bikini cut.
00:42:06
Speaker
It's not a thong. I don't know what it is. Oh, it's not a thong. Trust me. It covers more ass than this. dollar Yeah, it covers a lot of ass, but it's like cut.
00:42:17
Speaker
i You know what? I can't describe it. I'm so sorry. Makes his dick look big. So it does make his dick look big, but they also go to his fucking belly button. Like if you come home with a guy, they pull down their pants to reveal those. Do you comment on them or do you let it slide?
00:42:40
Speaker
So me in college would have let it slide and then told everyone about it the next day to be like, guys, you won't believe what I fucking saw last night. And then try to like draw a picture to really emphasize it. ah Me as an adult now would probably ask like, well, those are...
00:43:07
Speaker
Different. Where did you get those? You use the words my mom uses to describe a movie she didn't like. yeah different It was different. was different. 1991, those were a little more in vogue. I got find a pair of those. I got surprise my special lady.
00:43:29
Speaker
Garrett, maybe that'll make your dick look really good, and then you too can have... ah shower sex and not enjoy it, I guess, while the water hits you angrily in the face. I don't know.
00:43:41
Speaker
Maybe. maybe i
00:43:48
Speaker
it's worth a try it's worth a google to see if i can have a pair of those or a pack of them i need a it it's not like it said like calvin did it say calvin klein you're making that up it did not have a name brand those things are designer fancy i'll give a google what are you going to describe it as Bikini cut men's underpants.
00:44:15
Speaker
Big. It's not big. All right. So he decides that he's not going to kick the floozy out, but he's also not going to have sex with the floozy. So they just go to sleep and wake up with a dead chicken hanging above the bed because we we went, we we did some Santeria here or some shit.
00:44:36
Speaker
We're having fun. um but We do see somebody sneak in with a knife, though. So it does. It is important that that person came in and did not stab them both to death.
00:44:48
Speaker
No, had the option to and chose instead to to let us where we continue you another hour. Yes. To put a dead chicken above the bed and ah weird eggs in the in the bed that are like bloody eggs.
00:45:04
Speaker
They seem like bad luck. um And then yeah he did not warn Carlita about any of this. And now there's bloody eggs and a snake and Carlita saw all of it. And you're a monster. I mean, for not telling her about this.
00:45:20
Speaker
And he got bit by a snake. She's your best friend. Give her a heads up. Best friend, and she has cleaned up your cummy sheets on multiple occasions, and you owe her the basic dignity of warning her that there might be weird, bloody eggs in your bed. Okay?
00:45:38
Speaker
Least you can do. We don't see the snake bite him, though, right? Like, we see the snake disappear into, like, an air vent, and then he notices that he was bit? That's a great question, Garrett, and we will get back to it right after a word from our sponsors.
00:45:54
Speaker
Manscaped. Shave your pubes, use it as a weapon later. Gotta sneak in, cut a witch's hair to stop a curse. It's all for... Speaking of curses, folks, you may notice my voice sounds different now. witch's curse was put on us last night. We're actually... The time has lapsed nearly 12 hours. And we had an insane amount of technical issues due to probably my internet. But hey, we're back now.
00:46:22
Speaker
My voice probably sounds different. I'm in a different room now, but I did want to address that. um Just in case anybody was a sharp-eared listener and all they were corn fused or they were wondering why we seem 12 hours wiser about this movie than before.
00:46:40
Speaker
Yeah. 12 hours wiser or like, it seems like I remember less of it because so much time has passed. 12 hours. I can't remember this movie.
00:46:52
Speaker
Hey, Carlita found the chicken egg. She's screaming. The snake... Yeah, the snake bit him, and ah he does not immediately go to the hospital, which is what I would do if I got bitten by a snake.
00:47:04
Speaker
I don't know. I'm not from California, so I'm from the Midwest, where we don't have as many um dangerous snakes. but i don't I don't know what kind of laissez-faire attitude they have out there in Hollyweird, but I would go to a doctor. Yeah.
00:47:25
Speaker
Well, when he eventually does that, it ah seems like a terrible decision. But I like that before he goes to a doctor, he has to go yell at this woman twice. Yes. He has to go yell at her outside of her home. And his manner of yelling at her is just like, get away from me, crazy lady. I'll kill you. These line deliveries are insane. yeah And you can't tell me it's just the script.
00:47:52
Speaker
It's the script and it's the fact that he's under a witch's curse, Garrett. i do not understand your ride or die-ness for Mark Hamill. I don't think it's ride or die. I think it's that I genuinely enjoyed the movie and you didn't.
00:48:09
Speaker
She's still ride or die-ing for Kevin Spacey because a House of Cards. I didn't even watch House of Cards. Do you slander me like this?
00:48:20
Speaker
ah If I were going to be ride or die for Kevin Spacey, it would be for Baby Driver. But he's not even like the best part of Baby Driver. So I'm willing to mentally excise him from the film.
00:48:33
Speaker
Baby Driver is a really good movie. Mark Hamill wrapped up in that. Point is, yeah, don't put those two in the same thing. um Point is, ah he is so busy yelling at a lady he slept with three times that he thinks put a curse on him that he is an hour and a half late for a very important capital B business meeting um which for some reason Diane couldn't do by herself like she's just sitting there with a bunch of people
00:49:09
Speaker
waiting for him even though she's there an assistant is there and she knows because she's the one who cursed him that he's not gonna be doing well today and she's what just willing to to screw up this big sale to a bunch of hotel chains this is make any sense Well, it does, because she has to like still make him feel important.
00:49:34
Speaker
and But also him being there shows that he fucked up and he needs her. And he is like... he is As the movie goes, it looks like he's gone into a real good jaundice. But also just a real good lunacy. Yeah. He's he's like he's acting drunk and sick and crazy and...
00:50:00
Speaker
Look at the paintings like he's on mushrooms. Yeah. He's like, look at the colors. They're so bright.
00:50:12
Speaker
Does anyone want a tea or cup? he just can't remember. He's got dumb, dumb brain. he Honestly, COVID symptoms. He may.
00:50:24
Speaker
Yeah. And then his tires get punctured by an ice pick. So he shows up at her work looking crazy there, like, and it has to get wrestled out of the office by all of her coworkers. And now that we know from the end of the movie that she is not the one cursing him, it is all the more egregious, like, this poor woman!
00:50:50
Speaker
that being said... she was crazy earlier, but he out-crazyed her. factor of a thousand. This is where he shows up wearing that shirt that looks like he went and found a dog park and just rolled around 40 minutes. and yeah For 40 minutes. Yes. The yuckiest shirt you could possibly own. This is rags. And the jeans he was sleeping in which who the fuck sleeps in? Like if you're feeling sick, Garrett, what what are you wearing jeans for any part of that experience?
00:51:30
Speaker
I mean, if I'm delirious and just find myself in bed in them. Yeah. Okay, then what is your supposed girlfriend doing that she's not helping you change into sweatpants?
00:51:44
Speaker
Well, she isn't lit. Letting you sleep. She sleeps in that bed, too? yeah but she's not living. ah
00:51:54
Speaker
Because... Cause he's always bringing ladies over. She's definitely got her own place. We just don't see. That is true. Although once they showed the house from a different angle and I thought it was a different house because the, the walls in their place are so different. Like there's a brick wall and there is a stark white wall in the same room. And it really threw me off when they showed it from a different angle.
00:52:20
Speaker
It really was confusing to me at first that he lived in the art gallery. Yeah. Because it seemed like he went to a full ass different place, but then found himself back. I was plus like the art on his walls are why? Like, yeah, the art in with wobbly flowers.
00:52:36
Speaker
the giant wobbly vagina flower that was that was a little unsettling yeah the art in his house and the art in the gallery start to bleed together and you're like do you just let people wander around your house is that your gallery it's it's unclear kit while he's being a lunatic in this office to apollonia He is holding an ice pick and no one tackles him. This looks like a deranged person off the street that somebody, he has a weapon in hand. He's not like aiming it at her, but he is like you fucking bitch and is holding an ice pick.
00:53:19
Speaker
And then once again, I'm going to make my, I think this scene is a good argument for Mark Hamill kind of sucks. I you disagree entirely. I think he commits a hundred percent.
00:53:33
Speaker
wait Is this the the bit where he starts to barf? What? Wait. well Oh, no, no. He barfs at the... He's going to barf at the meeting where he fucks up with his... When he's late for the meeting. Yeah, he's late for meeting and he barfs in ah in a trash can and everyone there assumes that he is on something. That barfing was a real F-plus acting job.
00:54:03
Speaker
Yeah? You didn't believe his borf? It was like the little girl having a seizure in Winter's Tale. it was It was wild. i i just... I had to listen to two full episodes of you slandering Stephen Baldwin. Slandering? You can't slander someone if everything about them is heinous, Garrett. That's not slander. That's just explaining reality.
00:54:33
Speaker
Just because Mark Hamill's a good guy that I do like doesn't make him a good actor. Like I like him in Star Wars. Garrett, I don't see how you can use this man's career of voice acting and and just throw it out the window.
00:54:51
Speaker
Maybe if I closed my eyes and listened to him barf, I'd be like, oh, grade A barf. But I watched it. I watched his face. I watched him retching. I saw the whole package. He looked so convincingly fucked up. He was so grimy and so gaunt and so sweaty and so cray cray. I believed he was under a witch's curse 100%.
00:55:18
Speaker
ah ah agree to disagree i guess just because i want to get us into this doctor's office yeah he does go to a doctor diane makes him go to a doctor and this had me keel over laughing yeah go okay go ahead which part he's at the doctor he goes i've been spitting up blood doctor's response yuck It fits perfectly with your thesis that every other man LA is absolutely unsuitable. Bat shit. Totally fucked up.
00:55:57
Speaker
Like, there are no eligible bachelors. but We don't even mention the fact that, by the way, for no reason at all, his doctor is on crutches. So, like, there's a whole side story there that we don't get to know what this man's elaborate backstory is. But, yeah, you find out that your patient, who you also see socially at gallery-type, you know, art things, um is spitting up blood, and your response is like, eww. Yuck. Yuck with, like, six yous. yeah and i was just like get out of there you have somehow gone somewhere worse than an urgent care like this guy is not suitable for this job oh um and the guy basically is like we're gonna do some tests uh check you later
00:56:51
Speaker
That's it. Meanwhile, Carlita has a much more um useful a doctor to offer him. Carlita shows up and says, Diane, you got to take your boy to a curandero who will help, you know, get your your your curse broken.
00:57:18
Speaker
Where's his office? It's an apartment in Reseda. Yeah. and allie they don't want to go. They're too white for this shit. So they go back to the doctor and the doctor's like, I'm pretty sure you have leukemia. Yuck. Ew, ew, gross. Ew, that's no good.
00:57:43
Speaker
Ew. Garrett, do you think there was a version of the script where it was magic aids and they were like, that's a step too far and they made it leukemia instead? 1991? Yeah. Yes. I bet he... The way he looked, the way like they made him really gaunt. They were like, your body is going to get like a cold and then you'll die from it. like They're like, but we're worried. And I guess Google wasn't a thing in 1991. No. We didn't have the internet. What year? Internet early stages at 91? I'm trying to remember. You didn't have anything like Google, though. Okay, so I wouldn't be able to search. You could ask Jeeves, maybe? Yeah, he goes to dog piles. Why am I spitting up blood?
00:58:30
Speaker
Jeeves, can I get AIDS from kissing too much?
00:58:36
Speaker
You're right, Garrett, unless he's an intravenous drug user that we don't know about. There's nothing he did that could give him AIDS. Unless the snake had it. Yeah, exactly.
00:58:52
Speaker
It is wild, though, that the witch's curse is leukemia. is. Cancer's a wild step. Yeah. Because, I mean, the witches, as it goes on, are also using kind of voodoo dolls and drowning them and poking at them and prodded them. But to to do cancer first.
00:59:10
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Diabolical. Diabolical. Straight to cancer. Well, technically, first was... um drunk at a meeting drunk at a meeting but maybe that's what leukemia does in the early stages wait was he drunk because the witches are like swishing wine around in their mouth and spitting it into his voodoo doll bowl how do they do that what's the magic I don't know Garrett I need the science behind the magic in the words of Sublime i don't practice Santeria ain't got no crystal ball i don't know oh
00:59:48
Speaker
Yeah, i'm I'm with you. I don't practice it either. I just got to go along with what I'm given and what I'm given isn't very good. All right. um So in order to do some Santeria and ah get this guy cured, Carlita finally drags his ass to her primary care witch doctor, as Garrett put it.
01:00:08
Speaker
um and leaves his ass there. and I really want to know, okay, I am not a practitioner of any sort of magic, um nor am I even Catholic, although I did go to Catholic school.
01:00:24
Speaker
ah My question is, when we are holding him down and he's seizing and thrashing and we're doing all kinds of rituals, why are we praying to Santa Barbara?
01:00:36
Speaker
patron saint of mathematics and people who work with explosives. Oh, wait, maybe we wasn't, we weren't in Reseda. Maybe we drove him to Santa Barbara. And that way we had to, we had to pray to Santa Barbara because Santa Barbara is where we are.
01:00:55
Speaker
Yeah, any time something bad happens to me, i'm like, dear sweet baby Nashville, Tennessee, birthplace of country music or whatever, dear yeah de vomiting bachelorettes down on Broadway at Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk.
01:01:12
Speaker
Bless me. i am in need.
01:01:16
Speaker
Oh, hot dog sans ketchup. I need your assistance. dear deep dish pizza that divides us all clark the mascot for the chicago cubs who wears a jersey but no pants and everyone thinks looks like a flasher please help me in my hour of need manscaped yeah
01:01:46
Speaker
that's right clark um Yeah, so we do we do a little ah getting the evil out with the Dr. what What was his name?
01:01:57
Speaker
I didn't write his name down. but It doesn't really matter. i do feel like I could handle his job, though. It actually looked kind of relaxing. There were a lot of candles and incense and, you know. Shouting Diablo while rolling an egg around on Mark Hamill.
01:02:14
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You even get to to oil up his chest. That looked fun, oiling up Mark Hamill's chest before you roll an egg on it and then shout out to Santa Barbara.
01:02:27
Speaker
I wish the doctor had been like, but first you must take off your pants. And he removes his pants to show those bikini cut briefs. And then he's just like, what the fuck are these? Which, by the way, in those 12 hours, I did have a Google. I'm looking at them right now.
01:02:42
Speaker
and found them? Yeah, i could I could get them today in town. God, what a magical world we live in. What's funny is- Just imagine if you had seen them in 1991, Garrett, you would have had no idea how to find them. You would have been miserable.
01:03:00
Speaker
Will these underwear give me AIDS? um So I did find a brand of them that this cut in their brand was the Oedipus cut.
01:03:11
Speaker
Oh, no. I don't want Oedipus underwear. This is the underwear you should wear when you fuck your mom.
01:03:23
Speaker
but it Really, they're more just for a roast. They're to hands. the In a roast battle, like, this is what I was wearing when I fucked your mom.
01:03:34
Speaker
So my favorite part of this scene with the witch doctor is when he Mark Hamill wakes up and is completely in disbelief that he has been cursed, despite the fact that he now feels completely cured after going to the doctor and being told he has leukemia.
01:03:55
Speaker
Maybe. um And has been like dying for multiple days. And now he feels completely better. And he's like, I don't know if it's a curse. Who would do something like this to me?
01:04:09
Speaker
G Mark. Who would do something like this to you? Oh, who have you been a real, ah real bastard to lately? I can't think of anybody.
01:04:22
Speaker
Can't think anybody. You're right, Mark. You can't be a curse. Come to think of it, this one lady I've been hollering at has a stuffed cat on her couch and all these old trinkets.
01:04:35
Speaker
What have you been hollering at her? Evil lady? I've been hollering evil lady at her. Evil lady, stay away from me. Evil lady, stay away. That's the quote, right? Or is it evil woman? Evil woman, evil lady.
01:04:50
Speaker
It's a crazy thing to yell. Like those are unnatural words to yell. I don't know. Maybe he just doesn't want to use profanity. he's There might be children around. He was he has yelling in in her neighborhood.
01:05:06
Speaker
Also, how did that doctor test that he didn't have leukemia anymore? I didn't see any scans or blood work or. Maybe he did. Maybe it's, in you know, it's just in remission.
01:05:17
Speaker
witches not broomsticks in halloween yeah the the the witch doctor is very serious about this is not which this is not broomsticks in halloween these are serious dangerous witches they're everywhere and they are powerful What can I pay you?
01:05:41
Speaker
I cannot accept money against a powerful witch. Is that witch law? Is that like the curse? Like you've and like something comes undone if you accept money. Is that just like, aren't there some um special stones that can only be given as a gift? If you want the spiritual power to remain inside the rock, like you can't buy it. It has to be given as a gift.
01:06:08
Speaker
That is nonsense. You said nonsense to me and tried to present that as fact. I guarantee if you ask your wife, are there some kind of rocks that if you want them to stay magic, you have to give them as a gift and not buy them? Your wife's going to be like, yeah, obviously.
01:06:27
Speaker
Let me holler down the stairs. Give me one. Are you genuinely going and asking your wife about magic rocks?
01:06:44
Speaker
All right. She's coming. um Which, like we said, she would... I mean, she might have even organized the seance at the beginning of the movie. So... Yeah. I will pass the headphones. Not like broomsticks in Halloween. It tried to present some nonsense to me as factual, and I'm going to put the headphones on you, and you can answer Kit's question, and I have a feeling that I'm going to be shaking my head in disapproval.
01:07:18
Speaker
Hey, girl. What's up? Hey, so um is it true that and in terms of spiritual rocks, like rocks with like crystals with power, that there are certain ones that you have to give them as a gift for it to retain its spiritual essence? You cannot buy it and still have that that power.
01:07:40
Speaker
Theoretically, yes. oh Take that, Garrett.
01:07:49
Speaker
Glad I could help.
01:07:52
Speaker
Theoretically, yes. Boom. Boom. Boom. Magic rocks. Magic rocks. As a woman, I know about magic rocks. You just don't, okay? Of course you do.
01:08:04
Speaker
Of course you do. the Now, do I know what type of rock? No. But I know it's a thing. You all became witches. Yeah. And I can't dispute that It was around the time all of you became the weirdo men in this movie who are saying, yuck, when you find out your patient is spitting up blood. And the thing is, I'm still worse than Mark Hamill in this movie. I fall in like, I'm trying to pick up his scraps the rest of this movie and be less weird than yuck doctor and preacher, park homeless preacher, who's pulling a really good crowd.
01:08:43
Speaker
Way better than any of us could ever pull in a park for any reason. Yeah. So, um yeah, next thing you know, ah we are drowning slash boiling poor Carlita.
01:08:58
Speaker
We see ah a gloved hand shoving her face in a pot of, I don't know what, some kind of stew. It looks like a, what's that? Oh my God. I can't think of, it's ah I feel like it's like a breakfast booze.
01:09:13
Speaker
Like it's a more. Oh, like sangria? Sangria. It looked like a yeah, it looked like a bowl of sangria, but with worms in it. Yeah. Well, you don't want to think too hard about that.
01:09:26
Speaker
It was boiling and she got her face really close to it to smell it. Like perfect head dunking distance to a bowl of witch's sangria. Yeah.
01:09:37
Speaker
Which she should have recognized immediately considering this woman knows about black magic. um And then next thing you know, um where is poor Carlita? Garrett?
01:09:50
Speaker
Oh, in the fridge with her digits cut off. Just the one finger. Just the one finger. The cop saying digits and the other cop saying, what's digits? And then him saying it means her fingers. And then immediately using digits in a sentence to another cop so that he could be cool. That guy...
01:10:17
Speaker
What was ever every man in this? Like there had to have been a producer that's like, guys, we can't tell them, but Mark Hamill seems like an a sexless goober in this movie.
01:10:30
Speaker
And we need have to make every other man to be less desirable. and to show why Diane is so desperate to hook this man as a husband. There are truly no other worthy candidates. Yeah, ah one of the detectives so obviously thinks he did it. It is like dripping out of him. He could not be more cartoonishly evil, nor does he have any game face to pretend he doesn't think Mark Hamill did it for the sake of like getting more information out of him.
01:11:04
Speaker
Cannot do it. The other um says that he's got a line on getting him a new fridge that his his brother-in-law owns a furniture store. And since, you know, you're going to be needing a new fridge since this one had your housekeeper stuffed into it, I could get you a great deal on a new fridge.
01:11:24
Speaker
I did not remember that line, but maybe that turned this whole script around for me. it was so fucking funny We got a light in the mood. People liked Carlita. She was a ride or die. True. We loved Carlita. She was his only friend. And now she's stuffed in a fridge, which by the way, someone had to go through the effort of taking out everything that was in the fridge and all the shelves and then shove her in. It it was a whole thing.
01:11:54
Speaker
And unfortunately for Mark Hamill, his only alibi is a witch doctor. Dr. Yantos, which I did right. Dr. Yantos. There we go. So we got to take him to take Lisa to Dr. Yantos's hospital.
01:12:12
Speaker
those ah Those medical grade plushies, those are going to be something that they overcharge your insurance for is touching the plush. Yeah, this and blu is definitely... Yeah, in case we didn't describe office, it is just a house.
01:12:37
Speaker
There should be a child living there because there are plushy toys in this house. But we never see a child. We see his little sister who is a grown-ass woman.
01:12:48
Speaker
so i don't know. I guess we'll just have to think about that. Yeah, the set dressers really left you thinking on this one. They made it a thinker.
01:12:59
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. But there was another ah bloody egg in the bed, and Dr. Yantos is dead. He's hanging upside down in the closet. And, of course, our hero and his girlfriend arrive at the crime scene right as the cops do so they almost get caught. um The sister's still alive, though, and she she has come to to our hero for for help.
01:13:27
Speaker
Um, but it turns out while he's on the phone with the cops, he finds out the floozy's dead too. Suzanne, the floozy that he slept with, but didn't sleep with cause he couldn't get it up.
01:13:40
Speaker
Do we see her dead? No, we do not. We just get told that she was stabbed with an ice pick. o Oh, ah, oh, that's why the cops asked her about the ice pick and pulls it out of the desk. Uh,
01:13:56
Speaker
Okay. Cause at my, at first I was like, Oh, is this a kiss and curse? Like really kissing him? Like the AIDS is getting killed. Oh my God. are you, but that means he is a metaphor for AIDS. He's sleeping around and everyone he does gets killed except also the doctor got killed. So really the metaphor doesn't work at all.
01:14:19
Speaker
Folks, this movie is stupid. It follows. Yeah. It is not. It is just that his girlfriend is killing all his alibis.
01:14:29
Speaker
And I guess also all the people that could have saved him should she decide to curse him again in the future. Like she doesn't want Carlita around or the doc because they might fix him again next time she needs to curse him. Yeah, he's still got 11 eggs left in that carton.
01:14:55
Speaker
to Roll him around. Diablo, Diablo, Diablo, Diablo. The curse is in the egg. Crack it in your mouth, little protein for the day. Don't the door hit you on the way out.
01:15:07
Speaker
ah So, ah the, the, the cop does his barest amount of due diligence and does go talk to Cassandra her office and is like, Hey,
01:15:26
Speaker
Did you murder anybody? and she's like, ah other than his tires? No, I did murder his tires. They're like, where's that ice pick? She's like, it's right fucking here. All right, take it. I don't give a shit. And they're like, that's a weird voodoo doll type of thing you've got on your desk. And she's like, it's a stress reliever. And it is a voodoo doll that is made out of like clay and like pencil erasers. And there's little tiny razor blades stuck into it. So like, clearly this is a creepy woman who does creepy things like have a taxidermy cat and own
01:16:06
Speaker
um strange art and has grandma furniture. So clearly she lives with grandma who is doing rituals for her. Like, come on, it all makes perfect sense.
01:16:19
Speaker
Isn't it kind of fun that this is one of the only times we've seen a woman that just has corporate job, like businessman job, Her job seemed like it had an actual thing. Like she was bent over a light, a light table and was like cutting things. Like that was a real ass Some kind of design related job.
01:16:42
Speaker
Okay. I mean, all right. All right. She wasn't just on the phone with a client. It's when you're just on the phone with a client. In a suit and you're just like, yeah, yeah. That's a generic business job. We're going to lose the whatever account. Yes. that's That didn't happen.
01:16:59
Speaker
You're right. um Okay. So. We got sneak into her house. Obviously, the only option is to do a reverse Uno card ritual on her, which means we need to steal some of her hair and find whatever object she was using to curse Diane because we've decided Diane's cursed now just because she found another egg in the bed and Diane was like, oh my God. And so we're worried Diane's getting cursed now.
01:17:29
Speaker
Um, so we break into her house and Diane is obviously top tier break in. Yeah, go ahead, Garrett. he pulls out, this isn't even a credit card kit. What he pulls out is like, I would say like a bus or Metro card. It's a much floppier piece of paper yeah than a stiff credit card.
01:17:53
Speaker
Puts it in the lock and slides it down. You hear the click and Mark Hamill shouts, unbelievable. worked. Well, it's cause you have a witch with you, dude. The witch made it work.
01:18:06
Speaker
you can She's just back there with a magic well Like anything he did right is just her with a magic wand. He's like, I'm hot and awesome. Yeah, absolutely you are.
01:18:19
Speaker
For real. um So he's up there trying to like steal hair from her brush, but she has the world's cleanest brush.
01:18:31
Speaker
There is no way with all that thick, beautiful, dark hair, that brush isn't full of hair constantly. Yeah, and that old-ass grandma house, like she's not like keeping that brush clean. like all Her house is fucking weird. she's House is too weird for her to be so neat.
01:18:48
Speaker
Maybe she does also practice magic, just not on him, and she knows that her hair can be used against her, so she makes sure that she takes it out of the brush every night and disposes of it where it could never be found and used against her.
01:19:07
Speaker
I mean, all women are witches. Yes. So she knows. Yeah, she's a witch. She just wasn't witching this time. Yeah. Carlita knew. Carlita probably did the same thing with her hair every night because she knows there's witches out there.
01:19:21
Speaker
Bad witches. bad Black magic witches. So Diane is ah finds the fingers and screams, which obviously she planted. She also planted her purse and ID card in the fridge with, like, Xs drawn all over it. um Cassandra wakes up, not because of her hair getting cut, but because of Diane screaming.
01:19:49
Speaker
She has a gun, and this is the moment where my partner was like, if she's a witch, why does she need a gun? It's like, first of all, she's probably not a witch.
01:20:00
Speaker
Second of all, um the cops are much more understanding when you shoot an intruder versus when you hex them. And honestly, a hex takes time. A gun is fast. A gun is quick, efficient.
01:20:17
Speaker
A hex is like a musket in this situation and you need, you need results now. The NRA has been saying this for years. So true.
01:20:28
Speaker
Man, thanks NRA for giving us. yeah Can you imagine though, once again, just like this regular lady who did have a couple crazy moments wakes up and now Mark Hamill's over her cutting her hair. And this is just like, what the fuck? Leave me alone. this guy sucks. Yeah, like, yeah, I punctured your tire after you kicked my car door and harassed me in my neighborhood. Like, what the fuck?
01:20:57
Speaker
Why are you doing this? There's a version of this where he just leaves her alone and we see her with the the park preacher, like just walking down the street with a bottle of wine as he hollers.
01:21:13
Speaker
I would love to see this movie from Cassandra's perspective because you're right. It is a perfect ah erotic thriller from her point of view as well, where she sleeps with a guy. He's like back with his girlfriend and dumps your ass. You holler at him and break one of his sculptures. And next thing you know, like you're being stalked, like randomly he's showing up at your house and at your work and yelling at you, accusing you of witchcraft.
01:21:43
Speaker
but This really is like for my Twilight fans out there. This is Twilight and Midnight Sun. This is the one that we need a true like ah side by side from a different point of view on. Absolutely.
01:21:58
Speaker
And so um Cassandra shoots Brad then immediately regrets it because she didn't know it was Brad. I guess Brad is Bart Camel. ah Diane shoots Cassandra um and the cops come in. Kicks that stunt double in the face so hard. So hard! kicks his face so fucking hard. The stunt double hid his face after that. There's no way that that but guy probably had a broken nose or something. Because she tumbles down the stairs, her foot flings into that man's face. It looked...
01:22:29
Speaker
hurty It looked like it was painful, yes. And so, um for some reason, even though they both got shot, only Cassandra is dead. And Mark Hamill's fine.
01:22:42
Speaker
The cops show up and they're like, hope you got a good lawyer. And ah Diane says, I know someone who can help us. And this is when he finally meets Diane's family. It's they're talking about how, you know, thank goodness all this, you know, bad stuff with the, that lady is, is over the, with the cops. You're, you're in the, you're in the clear. Don't know how they clearly broke and entered. ah
01:23:17
Speaker
No, this isn't Florida though. So there's no, this was not a stand your ground. Yeah. Yeah. type of situation. I wonder if Stand Your Ground applies to witchcraft? This was a Stand Your Ground hex.
01:23:31
Speaker
Hmm.
01:23:34
Speaker
Well, is your dad a lawyer? He's a lawyer. Yeah, but he's a civil lawyer, so he doesn't do criminal defense. so doesn't But he probably heard, he knows somebody. he can make a call yeah and ask about the witch. Yeah, yeah.
01:23:47
Speaker
yeahll We'll find the answer next time. I'll let you know if I find out if ah witchcraft can be used in self-defense. um So, yes, obviously, it turns out that mom and grandma are two of the ladies we saw at the beginning.
01:24:05
Speaker
of the movie doing the big ritual, which what was that ritual for Garrett? The one that sent them up the chimney. Cause that was before he started cheating on her with, with sexy lady.
01:24:18
Speaker
See, I thought that it's implied. So it was his girlfriend that they're rubbing the what naked lady. red fos Yeah. That they were putting the mud mask on for, I thought that they were just like making her a witch too. Yeah.
01:24:33
Speaker
I thought that it was like a ritual to like welcome her into the coven. and some sort of initiation ritual. Okay. Yeah. Okay. um And yes, ah you see that grandma comes in and says four deaths. I hope it's worth it.
01:24:51
Speaker
Everything has its price, Grandma. And duh. Diane was the witch. That's the big surprise. um This is how you bag your husband.
01:25:02
Speaker
She was performing Munchausen's By Witchcraft.
01:25:10
Speaker
It's... it's such boring spells. And like, it was such, I think her but It's boring about grandma drinking wine and spitting it on a voodoo doll. Garrett. That's not boring.
01:25:23
Speaker
But like her aunt was right. Like, I hope this was worth it because we also know. Have you seen the other men? Have you seen the other men in this town? What do you want? You want her to marry the fridge, the fridge detective?
01:25:37
Speaker
Is that what you want? The guy who doesn't know that the word digit can mean finger. Is that who she should marry or should it be the street preacher? And by street preacher, we mean just hobo with a Bible.
01:25:49
Speaker
but Is that who she should marry, Garrett? Is that what you want? Is that what you want? Oh, oh no, maybe she should marry marry a doctor, a rich doctor, a doctor who says, yucky, when he finds out his patient has been spitting up blood.
01:26:04
Speaker
is that who she is that her better option, Garrett? You tell me. Was this movie written by a Texas Republican? And they're like, this is what men are like in California.
01:26:20
Speaker
this is what women have to do to get semi-normal man to marry them in California. er i did textly ask it and ah I did text lawyer asking that question.
01:26:36
Speaker
yeah I'm hoping to have an answer by the end of our podcast here, but I'm also looking up the writers of this. Was this written by men? Had to have been. this is a but why like Men love to write themselves not this dumb.
01:26:51
Speaker
I don't know. i don't know It took three men to write this script. i Wow. And they are all presumably on the same basic level of normalcy as the men in this movie.
01:27:10
Speaker
Kid. Okay, I'll drop. Yeah, why? Oh my God, I'm dropping this man. I'm just the photo I have of one of the the writers. I'm dropping it into the chat here.
Writer's Background and Film Setting Influence
01:27:23
Speaker
Take a look at this guy and he might explode.
01:27:39
Speaker
So this is the only movie this guy wrote and produced, but he appeared 68 episodes of Shipping Wars as a truck driver, which is a reality show about truckers. So this movie was written by what I assume is a truck a trucker.
01:28:02
Speaker
I cannot explain... Like when I described like Texas Republican, it's Texas Republican.
01:28:13
Speaker
Oh, no, but his shirt says snort and bore transport Seattle. He works out of Seattle. See, that's why he's he's he based it all on people from Portland is is what.
Costumes and Directing Style Comparisons
01:28:25
Speaker
he was going for for all the men in this movie picture a guy whose face could appear in the tv show deadwood but he's wearing a zazzy visor a zazzy visor and a cut off shirt like sleeve shirt yeah ah Wow.
01:28:44
Speaker
The first guy who directed this didn't have a picture. He's the only one that had ah a photo. The other two appear to have written horror movies, like other horror movies or sexy horror movies.
01:28:57
Speaker
ah How did this, how does someone end up writing only one movie and it's this movie? You get Mark Hamill attached to it. It just gets made and people saw it. And more people felt like Garrett than like kid.
01:29:15
Speaker
yeah
01:29:24
Speaker
Okay, Garrett, would you um would you say that this movie had you aroused scale of one to five? Well, I do like kissing.
01:29:37
Speaker
I do like kissing a long time. um No, no. It did look like he was having fun in the shower on the unicycles in the booth. But he also had a mouthful of soap.
01:29:52
Speaker
And it really left me with more sex questions than it answered. Yeah, it didn't look like either of them were enjoying getting hit in the face with all that water.
01:30:03
Speaker
ah She didn't look like she enjoyed a single thing that was happening to her. got to put it at, I mean, a one because you saw some boobs and that's about all you get.
Film's Sexual and Thrilling Aspects Debate
01:30:13
Speaker
Yeah, i'm I'm with you. One, one feels right.
01:30:16
Speaker
It's low. But I don't know. Ask the next one. Let's see where this goes. Because I also think. Garrett, were you thrilled? The most thrilling thing that happened in this film was when Mark Hamill took the sheet away from the naked woman to cover himself to then uncover himself to reveal those bikini briefs.
01:30:42
Speaker
That was your number one thrill of the movie. yeah ah This is a one. This is a one. You're wrong. You're incorrect. I was thrilled. I was thrilled. I was here for his journey.
01:30:56
Speaker
I don't understand how there's like, I was trying to decide if this guy was worse than the phone sex guy. No, maybe no, no. At least this guy got to do some kissing. that is The other guy got to talk about it.
01:31:13
Speaker
Yeah, that that guy had no no reason to do anything he did. um Yeah, Mark Hamill got to actually kiss some boobs. um Was that guy an art gallery guy too?
01:31:25
Speaker
In the kissing one? I can't remember. Or the phone sex one? I feel like he ran an art gallery. Maybe I'm making that a No, he was an artist because he was drawing, he was doing a painting of her.
01:31:38
Speaker
um He didn't run an art gallery. That's why he was poor. And Mark Hamill's character is rich. because He's selling them and giving less money to the artist. ah ahha Okay.
01:31:49
Speaker
I'm going to give it a two and a half. I was, i was genuinely enjoying myself. I wanted to see where it was going. I loved it as he got progressively more cursed and seeing, I was thrilled when I found out he had magic leukemia. And the
Critique of Film Pacing and Plot Developments
01:32:07
Speaker
fact that you weren't is wild to me.
01:32:10
Speaker
Don't get me wrong. There was a lot I enjoyed in this movie. It just hit a point where it just, it felt very long for me. Like it just, the first half hour I was full on board. And then for some reason, the last hour just like felt like it kept going, but you do get moments where he looks like he's covered in piss and going crazy and now has cancer.
01:32:35
Speaker
But um I don't know this one. I guess if it had been a little sexier. er That would have helped with the thrills too.
01:32:47
Speaker
I think it may have bumped the like my enjoyment of the whole thing. But also if it was sexier, I'm going to remember this movie forever now because it's the Mark Hamill kissing movie.
01:32:57
Speaker
ah her So now you are changing my mind that it's exactly what it needs to be. i just don't know that it was my favorite. That's fine. i'm still I'm sticking with my with my rating.
Curse Theme and Character Decisions
01:33:10
Speaker
Um, Garrett, would you ruin your life for either of these women? Um, well, I mean, obviously if Apollonia is good enough for Prince, she's good enough for me. I mean, I'm fair.
01:33:28
Speaker
Uh,
01:33:31
Speaker
Nah, I mean, and then i'll I'm a huge Fast Times and Nightmare on Elm Street fan. So like as is is humans, I like both of these people. But no. One of them is going put a curse on you. Well, that we know of.
01:33:47
Speaker
I will say though, Cassandra puts up with an enormous amount of foreplay. And um'm here for it.
01:33:58
Speaker
ah ah Yes. Yes. Yes, I will ruin my life. You're ruining your life for Cassandra. Are you ruining your life for Diane? It all works out in the end. So does it, Garrett? Because I don't know. Like if if they ever get into an argument in the future, she's just going to curse him again.
01:34:21
Speaker
But I don't think he's ever going to talk back ever again. He looked like he was so minding his manners and knew his place at the table was to be dog. right Yes. He learned that if you step out, you get cursed.
01:34:39
Speaker
all He was a purse dog. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And if so if you are the sexy woman coming into an art gallery, are you going to ruin your life for Mark Hamill?
01:34:52
Speaker
Because her life got ruined too. Her life, she's dead. so um Yeah. But like we said, there is... I think we really actually broke down every man in the movie.
01:35:07
Speaker
Maybe we're leaving out like one man at the beginning when they're like at the art gallery. But everyone's weird and everyone is so weird and stupid and strange. So I don't blame her for taking a look at Mark Hamill, even in his horrible shirts and saying like, I got to make a play for it.
01:35:28
Speaker
ah so Yeah, times are tough and it's you know it's rough out there. Slim pickings. It's slim pickings out here. yeah I guess I gotta.
01:35:39
Speaker
I guess I gotta, but reluctant. Yeah, I'm kind of with you on that one. Like, if I live in a normal world with normal men in it, I'm not going to ruin my life for Mark Hamill and his cheesy shirts.
01:35:50
Speaker
However...
01:35:53
Speaker
If I live in this world where my other best options are um the, the, the art get the guy who comes in to buy 20 paintings and is putting his head on the statue that doesn't have a head and making little faces.
01:36:10
Speaker
I'm not going to pick that guy. Carl from Billy Madison. Yeah. So, yeah, I guess, I guess I'm ruining my life.
01:36:21
Speaker
That sucks for all of us. It sucks for everyone. Hey, Cam, thanks for recommending this. i I'm not mad at you. I want you to be clear. I'm not mad at you. very pleased with you. I enjoyed myself immensely.
01:36:35
Speaker
I would have watched this regardless. Thank you for making us aware of it. And ah yeah, i always open to more suggestions because this, I happened to open the email and saw that and we had no idea what were going to do is last
Episode Wrap-up and Listener Engagement
01:36:50
Speaker
minute.
01:36:50
Speaker
And you're getting this one late today because it is It's all, yeah, it's this's coming out late on the day it's it's supposed to be out for y'all. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my shitty internet in my basement.
01:37:08
Speaker
Thanks for listening, everybody. Don't forget to like, rate, review, subscribe, all the good stuff. Tell your friends. Let us know if you have anything you would like us to cover. And, uh, Garrett?
01:37:22
Speaker
At eroticthrillerclub Instagram, eroticthrillerclub at gmail.com. Maybe I check that email someday. Hey, it could be months, but I get there. We love you. Wet your snails.
01:37:35
Speaker
What was the one from the last one? Didn't I add something? i don't know, man. Fidelio, pig man. Fidelio, pig man. we want to shake you. We can your love.