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When The Bough Breaks (2016)
83 Plays16 days ago
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club sexy ass Morris Chesnut and Regina Hall are dealing with a surrogate who is using their baby as a bulletproof vest! We're talking Mr. Chesnut's gentle O face, low level Batman villains, pert behinds and more!
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Transcript
Introduction to Erotic Thriller Club and 'When the Bough Breaks'
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, your sexy surrogate and gather around the radio. It's time for this week's meeting of The Erotic Thriller Club.
00:00:13
Speaker
No lunacruity's always
00:00:21
Speaker
Hypothesis, mysterious and dangerous And oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the edges So if you're fatally attracted to the racier stuff Erotic film club Basically instinctively craps the salacious Erotic film club If you want a racier movie and you're too classic for smart
00:01:04
Speaker
A couple with jobs that are way more defined than we're used to on this show are having trouble getting pregnant. After one quick meeting, they enlist the womb of Anna. Soon, mental illness and loose cannon boyfriends are rocking sexy-ass Morris Chestnut's world.
00:01:21
Speaker
Ah, the joys of parenthood. This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, When the Bow Breaks.
Sensitive Content Warning: Fertility and Pregnancy
00:01:29
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here.
00:01:35
Speaker
And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would i ruin my life for this person?
00:01:46
Speaker
And as a heads up, this episode we are probably going to mention fertility issues and ah pregnancy and stuff like that. So, you know, if you're sensitive about that topic...
Mistaken Movie Watching and Morris Chestnut Discussion
00:01:58
Speaker
proceed with caution. I mean, maybe they gather that from the the best title of any movie we've watched. Whatever. This is also a movie title in 1994 of a movie starring Martin Sheen. And Garrett, I'll have you know, I watched that one first for 20 minutes before I realized I don't think this is the movie Garrett was talking about. And then I had to watch this movie.
00:02:26
Speaker
And I was so disappointed in the downturn in quality. i have been wanting to watch a Morris Chestnut movie. Yeah, for it's been on your bucket list. Approximately, it has been. it is for years. I talked to my friend Dustin and I say, one day I'm going to watch a Morris Chestnut movie.
00:02:48
Speaker
Is there some particular reason this was on your bucket list? It's just, I like the look of him. Yeah. He's he's handsome. But he normally doesn't make movies that I'm the target market for.
00:03:05
Speaker
Um, and actually talking to my sister who apparently has seen a lot of Morris chestnut movies. She's like, Oh, he'd be cheating on his wife in those movies. Not in this one.
00:03:16
Speaker
intentionally. Cause you got the only one where he, he's not cheating. and he is in fact a loyal, loving husband and want to want ah you want to be father. It's going to be good. Yeah.
00:03:31
Speaker
I guess have the option of watching CBS's Watson, where he plays, know... Sherlock Holmes Watson? Sherlock Holmes's Watson. I don't even know if Sherlock Holmes is in it, but he is Watson.
Humorous Tangents and Script Critiques
00:03:46
Speaker
I didn't even know that was a show, if I'm honest.
00:03:49
Speaker
I think it debuted after the Super Bowl last year. Wow! And yet I never heard about it. Then again, I didn't watch the Super Bowl last year. I just watched the halftime show.
00:04:01
Speaker
I was going to say, if it debuted after a book you read recently on the history of ah bananas, I don't know. like Listen, you know, the history of bananas is actually quite fascinating. So it all began. and yeah no, no.
00:04:17
Speaker
um Yeah. The history of bananas is fucking fascinating. It is super fascinating. um Yeah. so So you finally got your Morris Chestnut and how are you feeling about it?
00:04:30
Speaker
I stand by I think this guy deserves better movies. Like, I think that he's pretty good and he's handsome. I just never understood why, like, what's holding Chestnut back?
00:04:42
Speaker
The writing of the of the works that he is in is what I would guess based on this movie as my, like, because honestly, none of the acting in this movie
Movie Plot and Trope Criticism
00:04:52
Speaker
was terrible.
00:04:55
Speaker
was doing fine enough job but it was very soap opera and the writing and direction are so bad that I don't know that anybody stood a chance really Regina Hall is fun is we kind of get the the obsessed was obsessed the Beyonce Idris Elba one yes it's got a lot of that with your power couple ah only this time we're in Nolens um exactly how much knowledge uh themed stuff do we have in this movie shockingly little it was a little depressing compared to like big easy where they really you know laid into it here they mention lsu and you see one shot of bourbon street and that's it and that's sad well i do like that the movie essentially ends in zandaleeville where they did the little dance
00:05:50
Speaker
Yeah, that's true. They do go to their little bayou house to to have their their big showdown. But Regina Hall in this kind of had the Beyonce story arc where she's throughout it a little bit, but gets her big moment in the end. I do think Beyonce's big finale of Obsessed is pretty untouchable.
00:06:13
Speaker
It's bigger. cannot beat it. But the end of this is also very fun. Very good. just You have to really wait for Regina Hall. You're really... They sidelined her for so much of this movie. And it is long. This movie did not need to be this fucking long. Garrett, after we watched like an hour long porno last time, i was dying getting through this one.
00:06:40
Speaker
No nips. And it takes, how long was it? Two hours plus for sure. it would it was an hour 40. Yeah. It had to, in my mind, it lasted three hours. This was, no, this was Lord of the Rings, ah the the the director's cut, the extended edition, all three of them put together, all the Lord of the Rings.
00:07:04
Speaker
It's absolutely not. It felt like it. Especially because, again, Garrett, you have to remember that when I watched this movie, I had started it with 20 minutes of a Martin Sheen thriller where they're tracking down a serial killer who's left behind a bunch of severed children's hands.
Surrogacy Legal Issues and Plot Holes
00:07:27
Speaker
And then I watched this instead. and you're just looking at and like, where's Morris? Where's Chestnut? Yeah. Yeah. And then he wasn't. And then I realized he wasn't going to be there and I was in the wrong movie.
00:07:41
Speaker
And you're like, three minutes in, Martin Sheen's hanging dong. And then I have to find out that I'm watching the wrong film. No, but he did have a big, glorious cowboy hat. Well, as long as something's big. So... No, this is a movie where... Yeah, a lady gets to use a baby as a bulletproof vest for the duration of a film.
00:08:03
Speaker
She pulls an Elon Musk and decides to use a baby as a human shield. He was watching this on Amazon Prime or something. It's like great idea. idea People want to kill me.
00:08:17
Speaker
bet if I was holding a baby. ah Yeah. So our our very, very rich business couple are watching surrogate interviews. And I have to point out, Garrett, that When they made this movie, they set it in Louisiana, right? and And with all the care and love they clearly put into their thought about setting this in Louisiana, I want to point out um Louisiana is one of three states in the United States where commercial surrogacy is not legal in any form whatsoever. You cannot pay a woman to be your surrogate in the state of Louisiana.
00:08:58
Speaker
You can pay for her medical costs. You can pay for her ah mental health care for so up to six months after the pregnancy is is over. But you absolutely i cannot pay a woman $15,000 or whatever it was for a baby.
00:09:20
Speaker
Was that the original price? I don't know. know they're asking for more. the vibe that it was $20,000?
00:09:29
Speaker
Because he mentions like, oh, I'm getting some money from the army, so then I'll have $40,000 buy my uncle's roofing business. And so I just guessed that it was like $20,000 seems like what you'd pay for a surrogacy, right? like But then I know later in the movie, she has, just so you know, folks, she has
Character Analysis and Red Flags
00:09:50
Speaker
a very shitty boyfriend. This movie plays as if it is, what is the character's name? Anna? Anna, yeah.
00:09:57
Speaker
Is Anna the surrogate? Anna the grifter surrogate. It plays... I mean, she's almost not a grifter. She's just like an insane person and her boyfriend's a grifter.
00:10:10
Speaker
She, this plays out like her Batman villain origin story and she's dating a low level henchman from Batman. Yes. Well, here's the thing. He is a low level henchman. He was in the Luke Cage TV show as the character shades.
00:10:28
Speaker
And that's what I kept thinking of him as the shitty boyfriend. was just like, Oh shades. no, You've fallen so far.
00:10:39
Speaker
I mean, i don't know. the I love, from the moment we see this woman, Regina Hall looks at at Morris Chestnut and says, look at her eyes. She means yeah This woman looks fucking deranged. Yes, I would never in a million years have entrusted my last embryo to this woman. She looks crazy from Jump Street.
00:11:07
Speaker
Like, we can already go ahead and answer the question now of would I ruin my life for this woman? If the way in which you're ruining your life is giving her your last embryo and entrusting her to carry it in her womb for nine months, I simply would not and neither would you.
00:11:22
Speaker
we would never in a million years choose her as a surrogate. She looks deranged. She looks deranged. And I think something that's hard for me with her is she's very sweet, but she's also very humorless and has no personality to her other than pretending to be a sweet, meek person. And if I can't crack jokes with somebody, i don't want you car what am I going to do with that womb?
00:11:51
Speaker
What do I need that womb for? a Yeah, she's she's trying to give like the the wide-eyed, naive girl who just wants to help out a couple in need. And and oh also the money would be nice for me and my fiancé to set up our lives together. And honestly, ah when ah our power couple invites these two over for dinner...
00:12:23
Speaker
they i was like, this is a Republican couple's wet dream of a surrogate. Like, Jesus Christ. She's like working hard as a waitress, but she's got slightly bigger dreams. Not too big. Not above her station.
00:12:39
Speaker
Right? Her boyfriend's in the military. They love that. And when he gets finished with the military, he's gonna buy his uncle's roofing business and do nice blue-collar work, but at, like, a slightly elevated level. And, like, every part of it, to me, screamed scam that is entirely designed to trick Republicans who want a baby. Head to toe.
00:13:07
Speaker
All of it. Did you- Did you figure out what happens after credits roll in this? They get away with kind of murder and then eventually he is part of the Trump cabinet. Like he replaces. This guy's in charge of of like, oh boy, you know what? He can he replaces Giuliani after he goes to jail.
Nonsensical Elements and Writing Flaws
00:13:31
Speaker
And it proves that Trump isn't racist by having Morris Chestnut. char The big charitable organization that they support is the least controversial one that you possibly could. It's the Boys and Girls Club of America. Well, who doesn't love boys and girls? I'm a little too much.
00:13:53
Speaker
I'm a little too much. Who doesn't love the Boys and Girls Club? Not the NAACP, not the ACLU, not any organization that might be even a teensy bit controversial. No, no, no, no, no. We are going with, we help children out of poverty by giving them role models to look up to.
00:14:14
Speaker
Because that's what we think children need most. be honest, though. They're not even fucking college scholarships, okay? Come on. This does feel like your Batman villain origin story listening to the way you talk about the Borgian World Club.
00:14:30
Speaker
Listen, I have nothing against the Boys and Girls Club. It doesn't sound like it. It honestly felt like an ad The fact that they kept saying the Boys and Girls Club of America in full every time, even though we all know it as just like you don't need to say it in full every single time stated out loud.
00:14:53
Speaker
You could have picked like something that's actually evil to talk about. Not evil, evil, but like, I don't know, the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. They spend a lot of money on t-shirts and some people be getting paid over there.
00:15:08
Speaker
It's not a... Your money isn't really doing much for cancer, but putting t-shirts on ladies that go out in the WWE w ring. and Thank God. That's what we really needed. um No, it's just everything about this couple is so sanitized, is so picture perfect. she's a chef and he's a lawyer and he sues hospitals i don't know if those hospitals deserve to be sued probably not because believe he entrusts no he entrusts his surrogates medical care to one of the hospitals he is suing so either he doesn't actually think they're incompetent in which case he's an asshole for like having this big case against them
00:15:53
Speaker
Or two, he doesn't know who he's suing.
00:16:00
Speaker
can't think of any other options. I can't think of a number three. Maybe number three is just like he's an idiot who's not paying attention to where his own ah surrogate for his baby with his one and only final embryo is gonna go.
00:16:15
Speaker
A perfect replacement for Giuliani. Yes!
00:16:23
Speaker
Pretty soon we're going to see Morris Chestnut and Borat 3. Here's thing, Trump would not make him attorney general, and I'll tell you why. Because he's black. Trump would look at him and be like, he should be in charge of urban development?
00:16:39
Speaker
Urban. Something with urban in the name. And would absolutely not give this man a job he is in any way remotely educated for. It's in the Urban Outfitters that is now being built off the West Wing somewhere.
00:16:54
Speaker
Oh, God. The outlet mall that's going to be attached. I have no proof that they are Republicans, I must say. But everything is giving me major Republican vibes.
00:17:09
Speaker
Well, ah Okay. we're shitting on the couple a little bit but let's go ahead and talk about the red flags at this dinner especially why mostly from the boyfriend more than anybody or the the fiance whatever smokes why are you not concerned that the person who lives with the surrogate of your child smokes for most people that is an immediate deal breaker he is literally just like, Hey, do you mind if I go rip a cig? And he's like, I guess I'll go stand outside you. This guy's ripping cigs. He's like pointing out like your gutters and your roofing. And he's like, you know, what's awesome about windows. You can see tits through them.
00:17:51
Speaker
jokes about him No, you can't. We don't see a single nip through a window. He's like the ladies when I'm changing windows at people's houses, you know, they, they show me. mean, sometimes they don't know it, but sometimes they do.
Plot Developments and Tension Build-up
00:18:04
Speaker
It is really funny that they work so hard to like perfectly craft this image that will make this ah Republican power couple love them. And then he goes and fucks it up by talking about staring at housewives tits while he's working on their gutters.
00:18:23
Speaker
he's ah He's a real, he's a blue collar guy. Yeah. Yeah. um Likes a good window, likes a good tit on the other side of it. Same brother.
00:18:36
Speaker
Who doesn't?
00:18:39
Speaker
Okay. Any other red flags you want to point out at this dinner? i mean, really the smoking was an, I would say would be enough to be like that guy's definitely going to smoke around her while she's pregnant. There's a 0% chance.
00:18:53
Speaker
o that is that's not happening you know like that's happening um i don't know that's enough and then the tits thing it was just too much it was too much for a dinner and then he's asking the price of everything my i yeah he's very my schizophrenic roommate in college did that really he was asking me the price of everything in my room on day one Yeah, it was very off-putting. It's clear that he is very um ah jealous of how gigantic your house is and all of the nice stuff you have, and he's not cool enough to know how blue-collar people are supposed to talk to rich people.
00:19:36
Speaker
ah he He did not get that lesson, and he is fucking this up because of it, because he starts asking too much about money and how much things cost, and you know, being really obviously like drooling over nice stuff.
00:19:51
Speaker
ah It's not what rich people want from you. Well, my college roommate, after he asked the price of things in my room, walked away and out loud under his breath said, what can I pawn? Wow.
00:20:07
Speaker
Garrett, wow. What did he pawn? I hope nothing. I locked my room. ah That was... See, because I read that red flag and didn't have him carry my child.
00:20:20
Speaker
yeah you didn't like tie yourself to him for nine months in some way that's completely irrevocable. Which was wise. I will say... After me and that guy hadn't seen each other for a couple years and he was full out of my life, I was on stage doing stand-up at Hangar 9 and looked down into the crowd and there he was sitting there. And i'll be honest, that fucked me up for a minute.
00:20:48
Speaker
Did it throw you off your game? I thought I was about to get like John Lennon'd. Except one would have cared.
00:21:00
Speaker
Oh, please wait until after I'm famous to murder me. God, don't let him impress Jodie Foster. No, this won't impress Jodie Foster at all. She know doesn't care about me.
00:21:14
Speaker
That wasn't the same guy, Garrett. Don't get can we your your murderers confused. So Morris and his his lady are having a lot of issues throughout this with with intimacy because she's still very sad about miscarriages and and mostly mostly miscarriages. ah But when we finally decide to choose Anna to be, you know, like 100%, she's our girl, we're putting the embryo in her, we get the funniest doctor scene ever.
00:21:47
Speaker
of any movie. like clear Everything is shot so up close. They clearly didn't have a full doctor set. Oh, no. The doctor... like The whole way the doctor's speaking has a real vibe of that scene in the room where he's like, you're my favorite customer. like Everything is just like...
00:22:10
Speaker
Where just the doctor is just like, great, you're a great patient. Thank you. Bye. It's just... but also There's your baby. There's a baby in there now. Please leave. Yeah.
00:22:25
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So they're clearly getting excited about the fact that, you know, the baby's happening. there that She's starting to paint the nursery. The the shot of the of her sitting on the floor in the unfinished nursery Like, I thought there were some moments that worked in here where you really felt like the struggle that this couple had been through. i thought that that was effective.
00:22:55
Speaker
And they have a great shot that I want to point out where, like, she is at their house, and you know, to tell them about the fact that she's officially pregnant, you know, the embryo is taken or whatever. and that our couple kiss, and she her face is literally right in between the two of them. and I'm like, hmm, I think that might be foreshadowing. That's Pepe's gun or whatever the hell it was from forever ago.
00:23:26
Speaker
Oh, yes! Pepe! God, from Xandily! was Xandily! Episode one, yeah. What did Pepe have, though? car It wasn't a gun. It was Pepe's.
00:23:40
Speaker
Well, it was just Chekhov's Pepe. It was Chekhov's Pepe. Pepe himself was the gun. Pepe himself was the gun that eventually came back and later in the movie and killed somebody.
00:23:55
Speaker
God bless. I had forgotten about Chekhov's pay pay. Thank you for that, Garrett.
00:24:03
Speaker
Yeah. Okay, so she shows up at Hubby's work unexpectedly and says she needs a ride home because she was at a doctor's appointment and shitty boyfriend was supposed to- dog didn't pick her Big dog didn't pick her
Movie Conclusion and Host Reflections
00:24:21
Speaker
up. And I don't know how she got to his office. Maybe that's within walking distance. don't know. His name's Newport Mike. His name was Mike. So yeah.
00:24:33
Speaker
me um So ah ah our our handsome lead gives her a ride back to the trailer trash part of town.
00:24:44
Speaker
And obviously, ah shithead Newport Mike is giving off all the signs that he's an abusive piece of shit who's going to beat the shit out of her later. And then, surprise, surprise.
00:25:00
Speaker
He looks like a really easy level to get through in a Grand Theft Auto game. like he's yeah. Yeah. Like he is a San Andreas character that if anything, you're more annoyed that it's a task you have to do at all because it's so simple to defeat. Yeah. But there's a lot of running around. Like you have to drive all the way across the map to do one part of it. And you got to drive all the way back to the next part. But then the last part, like brings you back to the beginning and you're like, can I just not already? Yeah. If he were a little more low poly, it would absolutely be true.
00:25:34
Speaker
So He does beat the shit out of her and they have to return to get her. Can you explain this to me? Because he's grifting. Yes. Sort She's yes grifting sort of too, but it doesn't feel like they're a part of the same grift. No. Because the beating the shit out of her didn't feel like it was like a disgust piece of the plan.
00:25:58
Speaker
No, and that's hard to tell at first, because my assumption was that it was a grift, both of them, from the beginning, that, like, even him punching her, she was gonna decide not to press charges type of deal, and he'd be getting away scot-free, and the whole thing was a ruse to get her to get more money from them.
00:26:17
Speaker
um as they like offer her a place to live and shit like that but no it doesn't seem like that was actually part of the grift I think he he's just an asshole beat her thankfully mostly he stuck to the face do you think that him hitting her in that scene shook a few screws loose and And that she was in like this like normal, like she was in the good part of schizophrenia where she's just deer in headlights, boring lady.
00:26:51
Speaker
I know exactly when she became crazy Garrett. I will tell you. it is It's when she squished the cat. Yeah, she was crazy up until that point. No, as soon as the cat showed up, like, within minute five of the movie, I was like, man, that cat's gonna die. And big surprise. Hey, hey, squish boy.
00:27:14
Speaker
so So I can tell you the exact moment when she snaps. And it is when um the couple goes out of town or out on a date that night and she has the house to herself.
00:27:24
Speaker
And she chooses to take a bubble bath and read like some dumb self-help book. And she's reading it in the bath out loud to herself. And it's things like, Love yourself. Empower yourself. Or whatever. And then, after that, she starts going crazy. And, ah when she later has done terrible things and is swimming in the pool naked, she starts repeating that shit to herself again.
00:27:52
Speaker
and that, my friends, is why you don't read the secret. It will make you into an obsessive psychopathic murderer. One of our good friends was really into the secret. I won't say who. um Your friend, too. Did they a murderer?
00:28:10
Speaker
Not that I know of. They're nice. They're nice. But I'm still not convinced. I do think that the punch to the head gave a concussion. and it's like, you don't drink and drive. You don't read, eat, pray, love with a concussion.
00:28:24
Speaker
ah that's it. It was the combination. The one-two punch, quite literally. was...
00:28:32
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The same thing would have happened if she had walked into, like, a Michaels and just read the wall art. Live, laugh, love?
00:28:45
Speaker
Love? Live, laugh, fuck Morris Chestnut?
00:28:50
Speaker
Don't mind if I do So they have her come live in their pool house, and they threaten him with all kinds of legal shit, and, um...
00:29:03
Speaker
they start They offer to pay for her to live with them, that she will quit her job and just live full time in their pool house and her job will be to ah be their surrogate.
00:29:19
Speaker
And I found this to be also a bad choice because that woman clearly needed to get out of the fucking house. I think that did not help with her craziness, with her obsession. I think if she had somewhere to be every day, something else to focus on, other people to talk to besides these two people, she might have turned out okay.
00:29:40
Speaker
um Or if Regina Hall's character had a different set of books. Yes. Well, that would have helped too. Nothing to fucking read in this house.
00:29:52
Speaker
Obviously not. um i I love when he goes to visit Mike in jail. Yes. And he makes a reference that I feel like was very 90s.
00:30:04
Speaker
He says, going to bust your head open and send you somewhere that makes the Middle East look like Club Med. And I don't think I've heard Club Med mentioned since like 90s sitcoms.
00:30:15
Speaker
yeah Absolutely. And only ever in circumstances when they are saying things like, I'm going to make X look like club med. Like it's only ever used as like a metaphor for something else.
00:30:29
Speaker
And then, and then as he leaves, Mike is full, just bat shit crazy by this point. So he's like, counselor. Thanks for the visit. I don't remember how he says it, but he says, I read i maybe did a line read like Mark Wahlberg would have done. why
00:30:49
Speaker
um Yeah, it's not a great scene, to be honest, um in that he's... They made a mistake here, which is that they show him as being a very competent lawyer who's like got all these ways to threaten somebody with legal action if they don't do what they're supposed to do. And then later in the movie, at every turn, when him being a lawyer would help their situation, he never once deploys these powers again.
00:31:21
Speaker
It's like establishing that your superhero has super speed and then later in the movie when he needs to catch a falling baby, he's somehow not fast enough to make it the one block to catch the baby.
00:31:37
Speaker
I love that superhero movie. The superhero that's just always a little too late and everybody just keeps getting squished. But he tried. he tried. Yeah, he tried. That's what the tagline on the movie poster said. he tried.
00:31:55
Speaker
that's This is basically a movie of a writer who didn't want to have to do some Google searches of somebody but of a character that needed to say lawyer things.
00:32:06
Speaker
No, obviously not. This is a person who didn't want to do any Googling or they would have found out that um Louisiana is one of only three states where commercial surrogacy is completely illegal.
00:32:19
Speaker
Even in like 2015? Like this is an always situation? Yes. Yep. Okay. Yep, yep. There's no getting around it. Louisiana was the city they had available. There were tax breaks to film. It was already written in the script.
00:32:33
Speaker
I wouldn't be surprised if this script had been sitting on someone's shelf since 1992. Yeah. or whatever year the famous Baby M case was, i should look that up, because that was the the big case where a surrogate wanted to keep the baby, and ah they decided that because the surrogacy paperwork had been written so sloppily, and it wasn't through and an agency of any kind,
00:33:01
Speaker
um that she did actually get to keep the baby. And that's clearly like what this movie is referencing. Because in no world in a normal land of reality um would someone, especially a lawyer, have written up a surrogacy contract so slipshod as to allow her to have custody of their child under any circumstances.
00:33:28
Speaker
Well, this Baby M case, it's like, this is such a sloppy document. Who wrote this? And it just cuts over and it's Rudy Giuliani dripping the hair dye. Baby okay, Baby M was 1987.
00:33:39
Speaker
So, yes. baby okay bibm was nineteen eighty seven so yes yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The case was in That is ah that is when this movie was written. you.
00:33:56
Speaker
Oh, shit. All right. Where do we? Oh, oh, my God. It's funny that we still have a scene in a movie like this where the wife is asking the husband, like, is she hot to you questions? But yeah but the wife isn't pregnant. She's asking about a pregnant person.
00:34:16
Speaker
Yeah. cause yeah like I mean, she's only like 10 weeks pregnant at that point. She's not very pregnant. I mean, she's got her top. off but she's in a bra and panties through a lot of this section it's it's true pregnant no no no no yeah you're right it is weird that it's like not the pregnant woman asking like ah do you think she's hot what i oh uh let's see what is the line it's like i guess uh you're the kind of guy who likes soft pert breasts ass you can bounce a quarter off of but i hadn't really noticed something along those lines um
00:34:54
Speaker
And then we get a sex scene, and I want to say, in the sex scene, we just see it probably as a stunt back, even. The back of Regina Hall. it is I don't think Regina was on set that day. would Show up and sit on Morris Chestnut. what's the What do you got to lose on a day like that? I know. I nothing. would say you have everything to gain, but what do I know?
00:35:14
Speaker
Morris Chestnut has the most gentle orgasm I've ever seen in my whole life. On film? That was sex acting.
00:35:25
Speaker
Most people try and make it look too fun. Yeah, they they go too hard. Yeah. He just had the most gentle, loving orgasm. This is a man who loves his wife. i um um The tip of my penis, the nerve endings felt every bit of Morris Chestnut's gentle orgasm. Morris Chestnut's gentle orgasm, great band name, by the way.
00:35:49
Speaker
it
00:35:54
Speaker
yeah i thought their second album was really weak though so well it's you know sophomore slump we'll get them on the third uh sure but during the sex scene anna watches through a window because you can see tits through those and as she watched i thought it was very funny that she just had a thermos I don't know why that prop was just really hilarious to me. That's just like such, she clearly went to spy, but she was a bit arched.
00:36:26
Speaker
Yeah. Well, you can get dehydrated so easily when you are a peeping Tom. So it's important to, ah to bring your water bottle with you when you go. It made me think this Anna girl might have something wrong with her.
00:36:41
Speaker
the Yeah, so we see her at a shitty bar and, surprise, a shitty boyfriend who was supposed to have ah been shipped off to Iraq ah instead um was not. And I don't know who lied to Morris Chestnut to tell him that shitty boyfriend was getting shipped off to Iraq. It seems really easy, considering he's a lawyer, to get, like,
00:37:09
Speaker
military military records like of who is currently in the military are not hard to find, and this guy was dishonorably discharged. That's all findable, especially since later he gets his his boy Omar from The Wire to do all this snooping around for him, and you'd think finding out that this dude was still in the city would be pretty important to them, but no.
00:37:38
Speaker
They never found that. He's got other things on his mind. Like pert asses. Pert young asses. That you can bounce a quarter off of. You're so right. so My friend Kyle used to refer to my teacher, Mr. S***'s ass, as very pert.
00:37:54
Speaker
In high school. He would always say, Mr. S*** has the most pert ass. I mean, did how was the ass pert or not? Yeah, I think he stood in a way that made it pretty pert.
00:38:06
Speaker
Do think he just like arched his back just right? he had really good posture. I think he was tall and had really good posture. He was very straight. So I think it just like, now that you mentioned that I had a teacher in high school who also stood really straight and had really good posture. And he also had a perky ass that we all thought was hilarious.
00:38:29
Speaker
I don't think any us use the word pert per se, but yeah, we, we note. Yeah.
00:38:37
Speaker
I do. It's just insane that that one use of the word pert is what is going to stay with me forever. That every time I hear the word pert, I think of one of my teachers but behinds.
00:38:51
Speaker
I don't know that the word pert is ever used to describe anything other than tits or ass. I genuinely can't think of a circumstance other than to describe boobs or butt in which the word pert is ever used it's so funny then if you have a spelling bee and the child is like can you use it in a sentence and like oh oh fuck all right um
00:39:31
Speaker
yeah Can I tell you one last thing about the teacher with the pert ass? Please. Yeah, go for it. I don't remember what the class was, but at one point he just had like, I don't know what got in him, but he he was a very nice man. I loved this teacher.
00:39:46
Speaker
ah But he was just started going on something about like, don't get pregnant in high school. It's just so dumb. And like, really was like hitting this was just like, just don't just don't get pregnant in high school. Like wear a condom. I don't know. It wasn't part of the class. It's not that hard not get pregnant in high school. but he was just like don't be an idiot and he was just like saying shit like that and um he noticed that the girl in front of him as he was saying this started like really slumping in her chair and then everybody gets up to leave and he's like hey garrett can you stay there for a second and he's like so he goes is she pregnant like after everybody's gone it's just me i was like
00:40:29
Speaker
Yeah, and he goes, fuck. I love that you were the one that he trusted to bring him this information. and i put it on a podcast. I should probably bleep his name from earlier then so that he doesn't.
00:40:45
Speaker
I'm pretty sure wherever he is, he's fine. Somewhere right now, there's somebody listening to this that's like, I have to go through Garrett's old yearbook and find the male teacher with the pertest ass.
00:41:00
Speaker
They're looking through all the photos. Damn it. Which one? No, his posture's terrible. It can't be him.
00:41:16
Speaker
Basically, his shitty boyfriend Newport Mike is um over here being like, in the eyes of the law, it belongs to us. And she's like, come on.
00:41:30
Speaker
He says the craziest fucking line, too. Like, the craziest line in this movie. Please, oh regale us. It's ours.
00:41:41
Speaker
I'm the brains. You're just the uterus.
00:41:50
Speaker
That's the craziest fucking line in this movie. Talking about how the plan is. And I don't think this was always the plan. um But he wants her to, like, every month tell them, I'm thinking about keeping the baby so that they will then offer her more money to not...
00:42:10
Speaker
take the baby from them and she's like that seems really mean and he's like shut up bitch you don't you know we're gonna do this and then we're gonna head down to arizona and i know a guy that'll pay us 15 grand for a baby that's where the extra 15 grand was was just for selling yeah down there just for selling it apparently that's what a baby goes for these days at least in arizona
00:42:40
Speaker
I was going to say maybe the baby's better off in Arizona, but I do think that Regina and Morris were going to be They were going to be great parents. Yeah. Yeah. No, they shouldn't. my Newport Mike.
00:42:54
Speaker
is a fucking lunatic but once again low-level batman villain a henchman to the penguin actually not even a henchman to the penguin somebody who sucks like calendar man i don't know i don't think calendar man has henchmen he could be a wriggler
00:43:13
Speaker
Yeah, Riddler henchman. he could Yeah. Because he's the kind of guy that'd be like, this Riddler guy is really smart. I never have any idea the answer to his puzzles.
00:43:28
Speaker
yeah So ah next thing, you know, she's like, yeah, definitely. We'll definitely do it. And, know... you know
00:43:39
Speaker
she I guess this is where she starts getting like weirdly obsessed with... the the husband whose baby she's carrying. and She's being hornier at him.
00:43:53
Speaker
She's getting hornier, and they did mention that like the pregnancy was making her horny. like that That was a thing. And clearly, you know she's now seeing what a loving relationship looks like, and she realizes she's been with this shithead, and she wants what they have.
00:44:11
Speaker
And so much like hide her in the house, she thinks she can just sort of insert herself in the role of the matriarch of this little family and she's going to Gary Busey her way in um to to take you know body snatch style take her place Busey just had a better plan he was effective he was smarter about everything she this girl's real real young and dumb and she doesn't have to hide she didn't have to have the element of hiding
00:44:45
Speaker
that's true they left That was just given to her. They gave her a truck. Yeah. Busey would have loved the truck. Oh, God, yeah. so he starts getting messages at work from, and I loved this, Mommy362 sends some sexy messages. video of of her pulling up her shirt to show her tummy, which is still pretty flat, but has a baby written on it in lipstick.
00:45:15
Speaker
on like the the lower abdomen. And ah she's like sexy dancing. And then at the end, she pulls the shirt up all the way to show her bra. And sends back like, you have to stop doing this.
00:45:30
Speaker
This isn't okay. um Which makes it really annoying, by the way, when um the firm gets mad at him for getting sexy emails and stuff at work. And it's like, he clearly did not want this. Every single message is him saying, stop doing this. You need to stop doing this.
00:45:49
Speaker
well at the firm of juliani a hamster and an empty filing cabinet we aren't the most effective but we are the most expensive we are we are very expensive it's america's mayor um
00:46:07
Speaker
so um Yeah. My favorite response, though, is though when he is like, you have to stop doing this, is her response, are you sure?
00:46:21
Speaker
With like a bunch of yous in the line. And then she sends another video, which is her with like a scarf covering up her tits. And clearly she's about to pull it open enough to show Nip, but this movie is PG-13.
00:46:36
Speaker
So we don't see anything. Okay, so what happened slightly before this, though, was where they hear like a clanking in the night while it's raining and he has to go repair something on the gutter that Mike pointed out earlier. do feel like, I don't know if Mike sabotaged it to try to get some roofing business as well as an extra scam. Yeah.
00:47:03
Speaker
This does make it feel like Mike had more to do with some of this shit than I think he really did. Or maybe she just got up there in the rain and did it. But either way, Morris gets up there to fix it. And what does he see through the window, kid?
00:47:19
Speaker
why he sees her undressing. and And yes, so he gets his very own feeling. He gets the exact feeling that Newport Mike was talking about, about when you get to be a blue collar roofing guy fixing someone's gutters. and you get to see some tits.
00:47:40
Speaker
And this is deep down every Republican's wet dream, is to spend a day moonlighting as a blue-collar worker and get to ah to experience the perks of of of hard labor, but not be committed to it.
00:47:58
Speaker
It's like when the boss comes in and works on the factory floor for like an hour or two. Gets his picture taken. In a hard hat, 100%. Yeah. I do have to ask. let's Let's put you and John in this situation. Okay.
00:48:15
Speaker
At what point... So, he doesn't tell Regina Hall that he saw boobies through the window. He hasn't told her any of this. At what point would John have to tell you that he saw your baby's hot krang robot naked?
00:48:35
Speaker
Some people would call her a surrogate. But I like your hot Krang robot. um
00:48:46
Speaker
Honestly, knowing John, he would feel so awkward about it that he would have come talk to me the very first weird shit she did.
00:48:57
Speaker
Like, whatever the first moment is... like touched his arm too long, he'd start to get weirded out and come talk to me about it. He definitely would not let it get all the way to the point of ah getting sexy videos and not tell me. That would be crazy.
00:49:17
Speaker
Same, same. Same, same me. Right. However, I think if there's like handiwork that needs to be done, it is more likely that my wife is going to climb up the ladder to go do the thing and she's going to see the tits.
00:49:33
Speaker
Yeah. God, that'd be really funny if this woman sabotaged the gutters on purpose so that he would come out and she could stand by the window and show her titties to the hot man. And then instead it turns out it's wifey who does all the repair work around the house. And she's the one who climbs up and sees her naked.
00:49:55
Speaker
ah I love when, um when Anna's at home, no one else is around. And Mike comes in and just like slaps her in the face. And like anybody home who wants to make me a goddamn quiche?
00:50:10
Speaker
Yes. Yes. That was a fun one. That was his Arizona plan. So I guess we're... yeah he's like... Oh God. No, he comes in and he's like, ah you know, you you got it because she didn't give him the money. She didn't do the part where she was supposed to extort them for more cash.
00:50:29
Speaker
She never called him and and said like, here's your $4,000 for the month. So that's why he showed up and he's he's mad and slaps her around in the kitchen. Um, and he's like saying something about like, we got to do this before they figure out it's a scam. I'm like, why does it have to be a scam?
00:50:48
Speaker
This is a legitimate business transaction that you have here. Your wife is, sorry, your ex- fiance, i want to say, ex-girlfriend, whatever it is, is providing a service to a rich couple that they are being extremely generous about.
00:51:06
Speaker
And by the way, if the scam is that you pretended to hit her and then they offered to pay you your money separately to go away instead of giving you a joint amount of money, you already did it.
00:51:19
Speaker
Like you already got double your money um if you're thinking you're still going to be together. And you just didn't want to tell them that. um So this I don't know. Calendar man says we need the money by the fifteenth
00:51:34
Speaker
15th. It's very precise. It's written there every month. Anyway, so she stabs her boyfriend. Yeah, she stabs Mike to death. um They put her in shadow to make it seem like, oh, who is it? Who's doing it? Maybe it's ah anybody. Could be anybody. Could be the husband, because he was like threatening to kill him at one point, like, if I ever see you again.
00:52:01
Speaker
But like the killer is so obviously about a head and a half shorter than mike that it's clearly her i don't i don't know why they bothered with the dramatic reveal of pulling back the hood and it's her it could have just been a george costanza sized man who had his wife's goodies oogled through their new windows yeah by the gutter man could have been um so she having committed murder ah goes and swims naked and in the pool and recites her self-help nonsense um and she's officially cray cray she's officially snapped the tether with reality um and now we're at the ultrasound and uh for whatever reason the the the wife's not there
00:52:58
Speaker
Oh no, why? Where is she? Does she not care about this baby? oh it's a boy. oh and I didn't get to share this moment with my wife. That's so sad. And she comes in screaming about how she knows she put the date in or the time in her calendar correctly. Someone must have changed it. Someone must have changed it. Who might that have been? who she was it Calendar Man?
00:53:24
Speaker
my god! It was! Calendar Man changed it! Oh no! Here's the thing, I don't know why you'd ever be convinced that, like, someone else changed your calendar, as opposed to, like, Google Calendar fucked this shit up again!
00:53:45
Speaker
or Or saying that, like, I must have fucked it up. Never in my ah wildest dreams would it occur to me that someone would intentionally sabotage the time in my phone for an important meeting.
00:53:59
Speaker
Calendar Man, what exactly is your deal? Well, hear me out. I have an application that will give me permanent access to every G-Cal in the world. Hey, that's my name.
00:54:14
Speaker
Yeah. Hey. Um, so, yeah. ah She starts showing up at work. She's talking shit about the wife. She's threatening that she'll sell the baby, which is a wild thing to do. And I don't know why at no point he was like, you know it's illegal to sell a baby, right? Like, you can say, I'll keep the baby, it's my baby, which at legally she has absolutely no right to. i want to point out once again that in the Baby M case, um that woman who was the surrogate was not just a gestational surrogate, like, not just providing a womb. The baby was half her DNA.
00:54:55
Speaker
So, like, she actually did have a legal claim to the baby. This was not, like, you were just merely a living a tube for the the baby to gestate in for nine months. Like, there is no world in which this surrogate would have any legal recourse. And this was around the when I had to pause the movie and write down every lie in this movie about surrogacy. Would you like to know them now or should I save it for later?
00:55:32
Speaker
Well, let's just hit me with them now. you brought You brought it up. Number one, in the state of Louisiana, you are required to have already had one successful live birth before you are allowed to be a gestational surrogate.
00:55:45
Speaker
So unless she's already got a baby, none of this would be happening. Number two, in order to be a surrogate, you are required, all parties involved are required to appear in court with a ID, ah your copies of your criminal record, your social security number, all previous residences you have lived at since becoming an adult.
00:56:11
Speaker
and they You are required to bring in so much paperwork to prove you are who you say you are and you have no criminal record. And we find out that she, of course, was lying about who she was and she has a secret criminal past, like you do.
00:56:28
Speaker
Number three, you are not allowed to pay except for medical, ah psychological, um and costs of work missed. You are not allowed to pay in Louisiana for anything other than that.
00:56:42
Speaker
Number four, ah surrogates, especially ones who have no genetic relationship to the child, have no legal recourse to keep the baby. And especially if you are going through any sort of organization, any, like, but you know, people that are facilitating it, these contracts are ironclad.
00:57:03
Speaker
There is no, and especially if he is a lawyer, there's no world in which this happens. um Okay, those are the surrogacy lies. Oh, and once again, you legally cannot buy surrogacy in Louisiana anyway. I got the feeling maybe this was not written originally in Louisiana, considering how little Louisiana content it was, that they did a control find and replace like they did with the Big Easy, but to less ah less effect.
00:57:35
Speaker
Did you find out that if in Arizona, a baby can be sold as long as it's not over $15,001? Yes. The ultimate limit One cent more and it is too high. price
00:57:59
Speaker
So anyway, now that we are all familiar with all the many ways in which this movie is lying, ah our buddy calls Omar from the wire um and ah says, I need you to find out everything there is to know about all of this.
00:58:17
Speaker
ah Insane asylum. Kill daddy with scissors. He figures it all out. It takes a while, but he gets there. Basically the same as, well, what was the one we watched where the girl comes and is like, you're my dad. And he's like, I'm not your fucking dad.
00:58:33
Speaker
oh my God. That was like two movies ago. ah She had also killed, ah like somebody who was a foster parent who was molesting her. And then the records were sealed. And that's why they didn't know that she was a murderer. Was that also with scissors?
00:58:48
Speaker
Yes. Yes, it was. Angel eyes was with scissors. I think it was.
00:58:55
Speaker
They're just around. They're just around. I mean, but the us you know what else is around? Knives. They're in every kitchen. I will not. There's some things I can accuse this writer of, but I i would bet anything that he did not plagiarize Angel Eyes. Angel Eyes? No, I think that they are all cribbing from the same generic nonsense.
00:59:21
Speaker
Great minds is what we'll chalk this up to. Great minds. They all think, what if a 16-year-old was molested by a father figure, but not her actual father, and then she killed him, probably with scissors, and then went to a psych ward, and then got out at 18, and then the records were sealed, and so she could go on to be crazy and commit crimes later, and no one would know about it. Like, like ah we're all walking around, and there's an... ah a whole ah hiding among us like a fucking skinwalker or something. There are ah girls who have murdered, but it's been covered up by the court system because the person they murdered was when they were underage and also was a bad person.
01:00:10
Speaker
But now they are permanently crazy and they will kill again. And it could be anyone, Garrett. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of those women is a murderer.
01:00:23
Speaker
I love when Omar is like, hey, I found where she is. We basically down the line find out she's getting some pills that may either induce labor or abort entirely.
01:00:38
Speaker
Scary pill. So we we're going to go to the address these have been sent to. And snooping around that house. This is fucking crazy. Like this was so gruesome for a PG-13 movie.
01:00:52
Speaker
When we see what has become of Newport Mike's body in the basement. Oh, yeah. Something's been gnawing on that face. He looked like he was out of Hellraiser. had no skin.
01:01:04
Speaker
He was covered in maggots. Like, yeah a bit squished. It's not good. While this is happening, we're simultaneously getting Regina Hall, who no is looking for the cat in their house, and goes up to the baby's crib to remove a blanket to find a squished cat.
01:01:25
Speaker
And I'll tell you that something, Kit. I am no forensic expert, but based on that cat's face, that cat died screaming. That is absolutely a cat that died screaming. And I love that they established earlier that this was a very old cat that they expected to die at any minute anyway. But this cat did not die peacefully in its sleep. This cat was cat murdered.
01:01:56
Speaker
She may have tied it down to a butcher's block and slowly squished it with a rolling pin.
01:02:07
Speaker
And then put it in the paper crib. Yeah. And then like, so that's why the cat was open mouth screaming as it died. It is mouth screaming. it's It's yucky, but um yeah ah Newport Mike's body way yuckier. if I have to find Newport Mike in my basement or my beloved cat that I see right now, fuck, I don't want that. Newport Mike deserved the rolling pin treatment, not not Kiki.
01:02:35
Speaker
yeah she's this it was this point in the movie um ah he's also lost his his big client i'm sorry the big case he's not a generic business man he is a lawyer who does personal injury lawsuits i guess against hospitals he's an ambulance chaser i guess and ah They point out that he has a conflict of interest because they so they've they've scoured his computer, right, and found all these messages And they also looked into the surrogate and found out he was getting her medical care at one of the hospitals that they have a big case against. And so they are now going to reassign the case to another lawyer, to which I said, good, that seems sensible. Why did he do that in the first place? That's dumb.
01:03:29
Speaker
You live in New Orleans. There are multiple hospitals. You didn't have to give her her treatment there. If I don't win this case, they'll never make me partner. I need my name on the building. Giuliani, hamster, empty filing cabinet, chestnut.
01:03:46
Speaker
o But I also need to have my surrogate get her medical care at this place because honestly, I got an HMO and that thing is so expensive if you go out of network.
01:04:01
Speaker
Well, I'm going to have to go to Arizona to get this car.
01:04:07
Speaker
Um, yeah, and this is also crazy because, like, clearly she's gone nuts at the house, right? And, like, she's she's trying to kill him. And it's like, you you found out that she isn't who she said she was. You have plenty of evidence of this. And she's running around in the in the middle of the night screaming, holding a knife.
01:04:26
Speaker
And the cops show up. Tell them you know the district attorney! This is the part where the lawyer's superpowers completely failed him. You can get a medical hold on this woman! They will put her somewhere where she will not be a danger to herself or others, including the baby! She will be locked up there, you will get custody of the kid because she's obviously unwell, and you have mountains of evidence of this!
01:04:59
Speaker
And it's not even a race thing because they're all black! Kit, he's modest and he doesn't want to drop names. He was willing to drop names with Newport Mike to be like, um i know the DA and I will have you fucked up because of this. But like when it would be helpful for him to have written a good contract or getting the DA a to help him get his baby back, he has nothing. He has no recourse. Yeah.
01:05:33
Speaker
Just make him not a lawyer, you stupid screenwriter. Make him a generic businessman and then I'd believe he wouldn't know how to deal with this. But a medical hold is a thing he could absolutely get.
01:05:45
Speaker
Anyway, now he has to pretend he loves her to get the baby. and Regina Hall is just like, I don't care what you do. Just don't tell me about it. And at this point- You fuck that girl if it saves our baby.
01:06:02
Speaker
yeah oh he I think when he goes to meet this crazy woman at the aquarium, even a crazy woman would be like, hey, slow it down a touch.
01:06:18
Speaker
Like, if you walk into an aquarium and there's just a guy that aggressively making out with a pregnant woman next to the koi pond or whatever. hope it's not next to the shark. Like, pushed against the wall.
01:06:31
Speaker
yeah
01:06:35
Speaker
Then it's a metaphor. yeah basically, ah they're like, okay, she clearly hates us, and she's gonna keep the baby, and they went to the surrogacy people, and they were like, there's literally nothing we can do, despite the fact that that baby is genetically completely yours.
01:06:53
Speaker
um' So sorry. fuck yourselves. And so, yeah, she's like, go fuck that girl. That's what it's gonna take to get our baby back. And so he takes her out to the break house. You smooch on pert titties, and And they, they, they, uh, he fucks her.
01:07:11
Speaker
There's a tasteful cutaway, but we all know what he did. he He really didn't want to, though. did not. I think we need to, they do a really good job of showing that he desperately wants nothing to do with this girl other than have a baby. he doesn't want to kiss her. He doesn't, like, he he does everything in his power.
01:07:34
Speaker
This is a man who is doing everything semi the right way, um other than maybe just telling his wife way sooner, like, this lady's trying to fuck me.
01:07:45
Speaker
By the way, when she asks him, like, why didn't you tell me all this? This lady was crazy for so long and you didn't say anything. And he was like, I didn't want to ruin this experience for you.
01:07:58
Speaker
By the end, do you think it's a ruined experience? I think it might be a ruined experience. Yeah, Garrett. I love that.
01:08:10
Speaker
i mean, at this point, like, you know, he goes to the lake house, they come back. He, she basically, Anna looks through the window because windows are where you see tits and sees him and his wife kissing.
01:08:24
Speaker
And she basically goes into a street fighter to bonus level and destroys her truck. And then, She sneaks in at one point and starts fighting Regina Hall. And I have never seen in a movie where somebody kicks the shit out of somebody so badly that they go into labor.
01:08:47
Speaker
Please keep in mind, the person doing the kicking is the one who goes into labor. Like... And Regina Hall's calling 911 and just like, she's having a baby. Not someone's kicking me to death because Regina Hall is obviously not going to lay a single...
01:09:09
Speaker
finger on this woman that is carrying her baby so she is just getting her shit wrecked and she calls 911 to say the she's having a baby yes the woman who is trying to murder me is having a baby please come help her so the ambulance shows up and both these women get carted off to the hospital It's so crazy because at this moment, it feels like something big is finally happening. Something interesting is finally happening in this movie.
01:09:41
Speaker
And I clicked, including credits, at this point, there is 10 minutes left. So really, at this point where it seems like, oh my God, things are happening, we really only have five to six minutes of actual movie left.
01:09:58
Speaker
There is so much time wasted in this movie that they could have put stuff here instead of so much stuff with like her being mildly crazy.
01:10:10
Speaker
they draw They drew out that part for too long of her just like trying to seduce him and failing miserably because it was pretty obvious he was never going to leave his wife for her. That is never even on the table.
01:10:22
Speaker
We see a whole scene of her, of Regina Hall, like getting offered a good chef job. yeah Why? So that we have a reason for her to be out of town? Like she can be out of town for any number of reasons She went to visit her sister i don't give a shit I don't need to see the whole thing You're right though, like this the movie is there There's so many little pieces in it Where like I'm watching somebody investigate something That can be done on a phone call That I don't need to see i don't need to see how the sausage was made To get from point A to point B in some of this
01:10:57
Speaker
Yeah, it's like they felt like they needed to show every single step of the process. And it it was unnecessary. And it means you don't have a lot of time for the big showdown at the lake house when they realize that's where she's gone because she runs out of the hospital with the baby and like they they can't stop her.
01:11:19
Speaker
I don't know why. um it seems pretty obvious that like if you bring in two people, right, Garrett, who from... from um from from ah an ambulance is called, right, to come out to a house, and they find there one woman who's giving birth and one woman who has clearly had the absolute living hell kicked out of her, who is unconscious and bleeding from the skull, and you have to do emergency surgery to save her life.
01:11:46
Speaker
This seems like the sort of thing you call the cops for, right? Like, the cops are gonna show up at the hospital. And then you detain both of them. Just in case. Like, only one of them is bleeding.
01:12:01
Speaker
Feels like the other one you should hang on to. Just a thought. Just a thought. the Like... i have... I see people wake up handcuffed to a hospital bed for far less than this is in movies is all I'm saying.
01:12:17
Speaker
I'm happy they didn't do that, though, because without that, we wouldn't have had one of the funniest fights we've ever seen, which is now that this baby is out, no holds barred, Morris Chestnut versus Anna the Surrogate, a.k.a. the sexy Krang robot body. No longer, because Krang's out.
01:12:40
Speaker
And this scene is like four minutes. He sneaks in, sees the baby. She's sleeping, steals the baby, gets downstairs, is about to leave, gets whacked in the head with a fire. What do you call Like a thing that stokes the fire, the pokey fire poker gets hit in the bald head. He's bleeding. He's busted. opensh You know, those scalp wounds bleed a lot. And that was very realistic. He is covered in blood.
01:13:07
Speaker
He is on his tummy and there is such an unfortunate shadow. that when she stabs him in what I think is supposed to be the upper thigh, because of where the shadow is, it looks like she has just impaled him through the asshole with this thing. and I laughed so fucking hard because i was like, oh fuck, like we're going there. she is like She's like made him into a human corn dog. Like he is on a stick right now.
01:13:43
Speaker
No, the movie's not quite that exciting. um ah Here's the problem, is that he's trying to sneak out with a baby, but he's too responsible of a parent.
01:13:54
Speaker
He stops and gets the car seat. He stops and gets the car seat, takes about six or seven pictures, because this is the first time he's seen his son, you know, gets that little twinkle in his eye, but then also gets fucking spit-roasted. Like...
01:14:13
Speaker
fucking chestnut on an open fire baby that's uh i'm just saying like i know that you shouldn't just like put like carry a baby in a car you should just have a baby in your arms in the car that's very unsafe if you're getting the baby out of the house of a woman who has threatened to murder the baby i think it's fine i think just this once you'll be fine just focus on getting out of the house with the baby So he turns around. She full on gives him a Roman reign spear into a table.
01:14:47
Speaker
He picks her up and I am not joking. Wrestling fans gives her a full vertical suplex through like some, some hanging pans onto a table. And I'll tell you, if you're a lady who may be in the last 24 hours has been split poo hole goo hole, you that vertical suplex would have emptied her innards out of her butthole.
01:15:18
Speaker
like I was wondering so much. I was like, holy shit. That is clearly some sort of either judo or wrestling move that he has done. And I know Garrett's going to know the name of it.
01:15:33
Speaker
Thank you for sharing. um What the fuck are you talking about? With the poo hole to go, like she's split open. She's had a baby. She's stitched up and whatnot. Those stitches are coming out. If there is anything inside there, that is going to be forced out. that Then again, Garrett, maybe we don't, that that baby, we don't know what the exact timeline is. If this baby's early, maybe that baby just just came straight out. No problem. one of them you're right i mean the baby was early due to impossible eating medication to make it early and kicking the shit out of regina yeah kick fight induced labor um i think they should try that um at hospitals instead of whatever they currently use um you bring in a pillow that looks like regina hall and just give it a give it a few whacks see what happens
01:16:29
Speaker
the next Now that we're outside, because clearly this fucked this woman up, we get in the car, take too long to put the car seat in the car. I know, I was laughing so hard. I was like...
01:16:44
Speaker
Of all the things to be like, oh no, we have to do this. but The killer's coming and we got a limited time and we have this thing we need to do.
01:16:56
Speaker
Putting a car seat into a car for the first time? No fucking way. Y'all are going to get murdered so bad. bad. Jump in the back, hold the car seat, tell her to hit the gas.
01:17:09
Speaker
100% Don't out how to click it Don't put this much effort into it guys And we'd already seen Pepe's shotgun cabinet. So we knew that there was a whole mess guns this place. She thrown into She got thrown into that shotgun cabinet. So we we knew for sure it was it was the shotguns were ready and available. and Regina Hall kicking the headlights on.
01:17:35
Speaker
Anna standing, middle of the road, looking batshit crazy. Her intestines coming out her butthole in the middle of the road. This is 100% medically accurate Garrett is giving you A vastly cooler version Of the scene would have fucking loved it The dress is covering up a horror show
01:17:59
Speaker
her beautiful white dress is covering up the most horrific like things that would make your stomach churn that vertical suplex body was the most effective move in the hit she's just so crazy she can power through this adrenaline is freddy krueger style you can't keep her down but yeah know students I am when sick of you, you crazy bitch. She shoots the wind, like the, the windshield they duck down. And then before, ah you know, she can fire again. Regina slams on the gas, runs that bitch over.
01:18:42
Speaker
Crazy lady's been run over. Hooray kid. Daddy's going to prison.
01:18:52
Speaker
I don't, well, what's the law about that in Louisiana? If your surrogate's trying to kill you, you're like, he's like, you don't think she did anything to me first? Look at my asshole. Then again, he is friends with the What she tells to no one.
01:19:10
Speaker
What she tells to no one. It's not secret until 10 years into his sentence. He's like, oh, by the way, a DA, a can you um help me out with this? Yeah, because i'm so I'm thinking about how this looks.
01:19:21
Speaker
And what it could look like to a DA that's not your friend is that you have um ah some sort of custody disagreement with this woman who has decided she wants to keep the baby. And I guess we're living in a fantasy land where she has complete legal right to this baby and you have none.
01:19:40
Speaker
um And you decided to lure her out to the lake house and murder her. um So I do feel like if they wanted to interpret events that way, they absolutely could.
01:19:56
Speaker
But instead, they're just sitting there in the lake house holding their baby, looking all... You know, the glow of New Parenthood is on them. And then sirens as the cops are coming. I don't know if someone reported the shotguns. If they called them, it's not clear. And he just looks back and says, it'll be okay.
01:20:20
Speaker
See, now this is where I would have liked to actually get a little more on film where the cops and the paramedics show up, the dead bodies there. They pick her up. One of them lifts up the dress, sees that her entire bottom half looks like it's been blown out with a bazooka. And the new guy's puking his guts out because it's his first day at work.
01:20:40
Speaker
And also he just came from the Mike crime scene. So he's having a rough night. This is his pit. This is the pit for the new guy in the ambulance. Just like New Orleans isn't for the faint of heart.
01:20:58
Speaker
The big easy, it is not. Oh no. no all right, Garrett. At any point in this entire movie, were you aroused?
01:21:14
Speaker
Not a single time. I was aroused thinking about the idea of windows and what could be behind there's a She looks good in a red dress at one point, but like it's not enough to to get anything grooving.
01:21:30
Speaker
You can talk about a pert ass all you want. But didn't show me it. You gotta little bit. now No, this was a a not sexy movie. I i mean, we watched a... Folks, we watched a PG-13 erotic thriller because we watched pornography last time. we just... yeah We had to tone it down a notch for our own sake and sanity. At least this looked like a movie. Yeah.
01:21:54
Speaker
Yes, it did. It was it was shot um with a camera with a real camera that cost someone a real money to rent from a camera people.
01:22:06
Speaker
um i At least a couple million dollars was spent on this thing. So you got that going for you. Garrett, let's not do this. nick can we Next time, can we find a happy medium? Can we find an R instead?
01:22:19
Speaker
I'll make sure there's a tit for you. Thank you. This was a long time go nothing except these terrible people and their many lies about surrogacy.
01:22:35
Speaker
That said, though, it it does feel disrespectful to have a movie with sexy-ass Morris Chestnut and not give it at least one for that beautiful, shiny, bald head of his.
01:22:47
Speaker
And he does have a very chiseled jaw. like He's a good looking man. He should be in better movies. he's I like him. If you want to give it a one, you go you go right ahead. i'm giving One for Morris.
01:23:03
Speaker
I'll give it point five. One for Morris and one for my teacher's birdass. That doesn't count. It wasn't in the movie. I didn't get to see It counts. Were you thrilled?
01:23:16
Speaker
Scale one to five.
01:23:19
Speaker
The imagination that I got to use after that vertical suplex and the horrors that went on. I mean, I watched this movie for the first time a couple weeks ago and rewatched it today. And I didn't stop thinking about that vertical suplex. That ain't nothing. ah So, um and honestly, that body was so yucky in the basement. I'm going to go two.
01:23:44
Speaker
i think one is too low. there's The cat died screaming. late Maybe two and a half. Maybe a half point the cat. The last ten minutes is a good bit of suspense.
01:23:57
Speaker
Most of the time throughout the movie, you were bored waiting for the beats to go as you expect, exactly as you expected the beats of the movie to play out. Pretty by the numbers.
01:24:08
Speaker
I think a two is fair. And Garrett, we already answered this question about 10 minutes in, I think. Would you ruin your life for this woman? And by that, I mean, hire her as your surrogate. And the answer is simply no.
01:24:22
Speaker
No, because I can read someone's eyes pretty well. Apparently better than Regina can. Would I ruin Morris Chestnut's life to the point that Regina Hall is making him go to the the aquarium and kiss me?
01:24:39
Speaker
Oh, you bet your ass. I can be normal so long and then I am going to rain hell down upon that sexy man. Go for you, buddy. Go for you. No, nobody's ruined their life for any of this bullshit.
01:24:56
Speaker
Garrett. hey Hey, no, this was, you know, i i am happy that I got to watch a Morris Chestnut movie. I would be happy to watch another one in the future. i hope it's better. ah Kit, we got um email from a suggestion here. This is, it was listed, new fan mail, Brazilian movie suggestion. This is from our our new new member of the club, Luca. it says, hi. Hey, Luca.
01:25:25
Speaker
I can't believe I only just stumbled across this podcast, really enjoying it so far. Thank you, Luca. I wanted to suggest a possible topic for a future episode, Brazilian erotic thrillers and the broader porno chanchada scene during the dictatorship years, especially from the sixties into the early eighties. It's a really interesting corner of Brazilian cinema porn chachanda.
01:25:54
Speaker
Wait, porno chanchadas were usually low budget popular films that mixed comedy eroticism melodrama crime and social satire they're often dismissed as cheap exploitation movies but a lot of them exploitation movies also reflected the contradictions of the period, censorship, conservative public morality, urban anxiety, class tensions, broken marriages, especially in the context of Catholic Christian households, and the limits of what could or could not be shown under the military regime, very subversive by nature. a good entry point might be
01:26:36
Speaker
lady on the bus from 1978. It sits close to the erotic popular cinema moment and became one of the biggest Brazilian box office hits of its time. There's a version on YouTube with English subtitles, so it might be more accessible than some of the other films of that era. I'm looking forward to diving into the rest of your content. Thanks for the great work, Luca. Thanks Luca.
01:27:00
Speaker
Garrett, we should do that. That sounds fascinating. That sounds fun. That sounds super fun. There's going to be sexy Brazilians. yeah Hey!
01:27:14
Speaker
what What do we got to lose? What have we got to lose? The only thing that worries me a little is the YouTube of it all, where if it can be there, how high will the eroticism be? Are they going to blur out all the boobs? I don't know.
01:27:31
Speaker
that's for us to find out, but no Luga, I like that suggestion. That sounds fun. That is something I know as a ah genre. I know nothing about. i don't even, I'd have to Google to see what Brazilian cinema I've seen. I'm surely I've seen some that I'm just, it's not coming to me immediately. no, thanks for listening. That's all. That's an awesome suggestion. I definitely want to look into that.
01:27:53
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. I will start doing some research because we should absolutely do that. Um, Thanks, Luca. And thanks to everybody else who's out there listening, members of the club. If you want to send us any suggestions of your own, Garrett, where should they send it?
01:28:09
Speaker
EroticThrillerClub at gmail.com. We have an Instagram at EroticThrillerClub. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Now, tell your friends. ah Like, subscribe, ring the bell. um I can't remember if they're... What are the other ones? Comment? Yeah? We love to so see comments about... I'll be able next honest. I don't care if you guys ring the bell.
01:28:34
Speaker
I don't even know what it does. I never ring the bells. I don't even know what it does, Garrett. just hear people say it. Send notification to your phone. I'm going to piss you off at that point. No, don't do that. But honestly, sometimes our releases are so sporadic that maybe the bell would help you know when it... Actually, you know what, guys?
01:28:50
Speaker
I do give a shit little bit. Ring that bell. Give me little dingy ding. Garrett... Actually, can I tell you something that is that i that happened to me today that I do feel like perfectly sums up my bad taste in things? Yeah, please go for it.
01:29:11
Speaker
um I won a contest that I entered over the weekend. I entered a, ah I guess like a raffle, not a yeah, I filled out a thing, put my name in a thing. And it was for the the amphitheater here. And the grand prize was you would win two tickets to whatever show is coming to whatever you want that's coming up at the amphitheater.
Concert Choices: Hilary Duff vs. Bob Dylan
01:29:34
Speaker
and i won and looking through the list of who was playing i was not really very interested like there was no one that i was like very excited about so i narrowed it down to two performers kit ok okay bob dylan okay and hillary duff i don't even have to ask which one you chose i know which one you chose how was hillary duff garrett I haven't gone yet, but I will be going to Hilary Duff. yeah
01:30:06
Speaker
When are you seeing Hilary Duff, Garrett? Next month. So what's happy for you. absolute lunatic. I haven't heard anyone say anything good about a Bob Dylan concert in the last 30 years. either. I've never seen him. He is a legend. totally. But I do genuinely think he doesn't have a single song that I enjoy more than the song Come Clean by Hilary Duff. Oh, God.
01:30:40
Speaker
Like, I won't deny he's got some good songs, but I also don't think any of them are better than Come Clean by Hilary Duff. You don't think... You don't... And what? You don't... have... Sorry, I'm... I... No, shut the fuck up. Garrett, you're here looking at me with a straight face.
01:30:59
Speaker
and saying that you don't think any song in Bob Dylan's ginormous oeuvre, in huge catalog of songs, any one of them stands up to Hilary Duff.
01:31:19
Speaker
So you're telling me, yeah, he's a legend, but I could go see This 80-something-year-old man who's singing a raspy voice. I don't want to see him in concert these days either. Don't get me wrong. yeahre i remember Hillary Duff's big juicy tookus. You seen that thing? You seen that thing? It's a work of art.
01:31:39
Speaker
Okay, that's fair. And Come Clean's a great fucking film. Look, I'm not going to argue with you about who you're going to see in concert. I understand that I don't think seeing a Bob Dylan concert in this The Year of Our Lord 2026 would be a good idea.
01:31:53
Speaker
But I will not, under any circumstances, go along with you on the idea that if I had to listen to an album that I would ever pick Hilary Duff over a Bob Dylan album.
Dylan's Legacy vs. Duff's Appeal
01:32:08
Speaker
That's not happening.
01:32:10
Speaker
Here's what happens though. If you go to a Bob Dylan show, I already said, I'm not fighting you on the show, but just think about this though. Like, yes. Does he have a big catalog? Does he have a couple songs? I like definitely by the time you realize he's even playing it because that's part of the problem is most people you're at the show and you're like, it's towards the end of the song. and You're like, Holy shit. He's playing this song. And I didn't even notice because I couldn't tell what the fuck was happening up there.
01:32:37
Speaker
I'll tell you this, I'm going to know when Hilary Duff's plan come clean.
01:32:43
Speaker
I remember being in like middle school and Bob Dylan was playing a song during the Oscars and I looked at my parents and I wondered why they weren't laughing or complaining about the fact that this old strange man was up there singing so badly. Like I, i was so confused. I was like, why did they let this guy sing at the Oscars?
01:33:12
Speaker
And they were like,
01:33:18
Speaker
he's a legend he's an amazing songwriter hey he did a lot of good songs and like that's part of it's part of the style and and also he's very old and he's still fucking going that was that was 20 years ago twenty plus years ago i thought that he should retire And, you know, like, I do get that maybe it's one of those, like, hey, I saw Bob Dylan before he went.
01:33:48
Speaker
But maybe if it was 1976, maybe if it was I think I think was done. It's not the same. You already missed your shot.
01:34:00
Speaker
We all did. Duff's still in her prime. And you can really tell your kids about it. Well, you can tell Ozzy about it the next day. but like and And they'll know that you made the right choice.
01:34:16
Speaker
i think any I don't think people are going to agree with me on the the the caliber of songwriting. But I don't want to dance to any Dylan
Conclusion and Humorous Farewell
01:34:28
Speaker
songs. And when Let the Rain Fall Down...
01:34:33
Speaker
It starts playing. Yeah. I'll be dancing. I'm gonna be singing. and I don't think I know a single other Duff song. I don't think I know one. You're going to by the end of the night. But that'll be a good time.
01:34:46
Speaker
All right. I just, it felt worth mentioning that before we get out of here. but God damn it. Well. I'm sorry everyone for Garrett's bad taste.
01:34:59
Speaker
I should say that at the end of all of these actually come to think of it. never apologize for my chestnut love.
01:35:08
Speaker
I wouldn't. I hear my boy crying in the background. It sounds like I got to get out of here. So everybody, thank you for listening. We love you. Hey, we actually finished this one under the runtime of the film. That's exciting. Oh, you mean we finished it in under three and a half hours?
01:35:29
Speaker
Wet your snails, watch your pepes, I want to shake you naked, beat you alive.