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Titane (2021)
65 Plays18 days ago
This week on the Erotic Thriller Club we're sending our dear, sweet Kit into Titane blind! Kit requested something cozy or spooky and I think the serial killer, car pregnancy movie checks both boxes.
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Transcript
Introduction to The Erotic Thriller Club
00:00:00
Speaker
Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, make sure your health insurance covers a trustworthy mechanic, and gather around your radio.
00:00:12
Speaker
It's time for this week's meeting of The Erotic Thriller Club.
00:00:24
Speaker
is antithesis, mysterious and dangerous and oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the ages so if you're fatally attracted to the raciest stuff erotic film club basically instinctively craves the salacious erotic film club if you want a raciest movie and you're too classic for smart
00:00:58
Speaker
Discuss the wall and not the end.
Introducing Alexia: A Peculiar Protagonist
00:01:07
Speaker
Alexia is just your average girl with head trauma. She still lives with her parents. She's looking for love in all the wrong places. A fantastic dancer. And oh yeah, she's a serial killer who's pregnant after having sex with a car.
00:01:22
Speaker
You heard me right. I didn't misspeak. Let's get into it. This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, Teton. Hello everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the
The Three Questions of Erotic Thrillers
00:01:32
Speaker
Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here.
00:01:35
Speaker
And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would I ruin my life for this car? So folks, what we did this week, Kit gave me two criteria for the next movie she wanted to watch.
00:01:52
Speaker
Yeah. She gave me two words. Mm-hmm. Cozy. Or spooky. And I think I found one that's both. And i saw I saw this film when it came out.
00:02:06
Speaker
Kit had never heard of this film. No. Which is the most incredible way to watch a movie and go into this movie specific, not knowing what it's about.
00:02:18
Speaker
For those of you who don't know, let me read you the plot.
Unraveling the Bizarre Plot
00:02:22
Speaker
Hmm. Which I want everyone to know that what you're about to hear, I did not know ahead of time.
00:02:29
Speaker
i I did not know any of this. I knew nothing. This was the plot released to the general public upon the release of this film. Following a series of unexplained crimes, a father is reunited with the son who who had been missing for 10 years.
00:02:48
Speaker
That is not the plot of this movie. That is the plot of this movie. There's not there's like also the plot that everyone who went to see the movie in theaters knew and the reason that they were in the seat.
00:03:00
Speaker
There's a lady that fucks a car. This movie is about a car fucker. Yeah. okay yeah So Kit, how far into the movie was it that you thought, I think this lady's going to fuck a car?
00:03:15
Speaker
which Do you genuinely want to know? Because I can bring in, if you do not believe what I'm about to say, I can bring in evidence. which is that I turn to John as soon as ah she's she's walking into the Fast and Furious style car party, and she's looking all, and she and she's like walking...
00:03:37
Speaker
past the cars i said is this a movie is it is this woman gonna fuck a car he just looked at me like i mean this is an audio medium i'm so sorry everyone but the the look was of ah one of just unabashed glee and and surprise yeah See, I'm glad you didn't call it right up top because if you've already seen the movie, it's obvious from the second scene.
Alexia's Troubling Childhood and Car Fascination
00:04:09
Speaker
The scene I figured it out in? No, earlier than that. So the movie opens with this little girl sitting in the backseat of her dad's car. Being the worst child ever, while he is ah also a bad dad.
00:04:23
Speaker
Because we start off with a banjo and a car engine, and this kid making like... making like
00:04:33
Speaker
noises in the backseat. And dad just keeps nudging up the radio and kid keeps getting louder. And then ah dad yells at it because it's French.
00:04:44
Speaker
French movie, American country music on the radio. Mm-hmm. And so ah the kid stops humming and starts kicking the back of the seat, which he lets go on for so long until he finally screams his goddamn head off at the child, who then takes her seatbelt off.
00:05:04
Speaker
And he's like turning back around to try to get her to get back in her seat and put her seatbelt back on and immediately crashes the car. And next thing you know, someone's getting better plate in their head.
00:05:17
Speaker
Yeah. i was like, if you had just like, number one said something earlier, like, Hey, can you not kick my seat? I feel like this would have gone a lot better for you. You've never negotiated with a child.
00:05:30
Speaker
You're a bad dad of a worse daughter. I mean, at this point, this kid is like six. I don't know. So when we see the kid getting the the titanium plate put in their head, which awesome that nobody was seriously injured in this accident.
00:05:48
Speaker
ah ah Garrett, I'm pretty sure brain damage is serious injury. She's walking. She's dancing. She's Gary things. Hey, we'll get to it. We'll get to it.
00:06:01
Speaker
Yeah. All things considered, ring on the head, fine. Garrett, your metric of what is making it out of a car crash, okay, is apparently way different from mine because I would consider child is now a sociopath um who kills people to be bad thing.
00:06:25
Speaker
Well, it sounds like as far as the Department of Car Safety goes, I could be on the current board of it or whatever.
00:06:35
Speaker
Listen, frontal lobe trauma that isn't real. i think frontal lobe trauma gets you... promoted to a higher position in the current industry. Hey!
00:06:46
Speaker
a Hey, you don't want to go to... So wait, should where should I have realized that she wants to fuck a car? Because I thought I got it pretty early because it's when she's at the sexy car party.
00:06:59
Speaker
When she walks out of the hospital to the car. She kisses the car! she like hugs it and kisses it and rubs on it a little bit. It started in that moment.
00:07:12
Speaker
Her car thing. It's so early. And I mean, I had seen the movie before, so I, you know, I probably didn't notice that. i mean, actually going into the movie, I did know what it was about the first time.
00:07:24
Speaker
So I probably was like, there's a car. But if you didn't know that going in, it is a little subtle, but then it just hits you because your brain, if you know what the movie's about, is like, oh, it's a car fucking movie. And then it hits you with the title card.
00:07:38
Speaker
And then we go to Fast and Furious car party. A lot to break down in this scene. Yeah, i I genuinely wrote down Fast and Furious Car Party. I was like, so is this is this this this the kind of thing where then Han's going to show up and he's going to teach her how to drift? Because I would watch the fuck out of that movie.
00:07:57
Speaker
um No, it's not. It's... Would you care to describe the car that she is dancing upon? Because... It's a Cadillac that is, it's got flames. It has hydraulics.
00:08:15
Speaker
um it Was it a lowrider? It seemed like it was probably like a lowrider with the hydraulics and the, I don't know. It was just a zazzy little car. And honestly, she's doing this kind of very sexy strip tease on the hood of the car set to a ah Kills song.
00:08:30
Speaker
Yes, it is a very sexy. Shot beautifully. Shot beautifully. The movie, if we haven't even said it yet, Titan, and the director, Julia Ducono, I believe is how I am told that is pronounced by a French person on the internet.
00:08:48
Speaker
Thanks, French person on the internet. She made another movie called Raw, which absolutely added to your spooky season list. Great movie, if you haven't seen it. Did you see it? Garrett, if, no, I have not.
00:09:00
Speaker
If I didn't enjoy this movie, would I enjoy that movie?
Titan's Acclaim and Cultural Commentary
00:09:05
Speaker
That movie is about a veterinarian student who ah develops a taste for human flesh.
00:09:11
Speaker
It's a coming of age story. Aww. But Titan won the Palme d'Or. course And it is the second movie a female director wait to win the Palme d'Or.
00:09:27
Speaker
You know who the first ever Like ever. Second. Yes. This is the second ever. It said the first was Jane Campion in 1993.
00:09:41
Speaker
Piano? Yeah. Who we've also done a movie by in the class. Oh, yes. And I love Jane Campion and I love the piano, but like, I'm sorry. it is.
00:09:54
Speaker
i am a little offended that they were like, women can't make movies that deserve awards unless they're fucking a car. Then. And then we'll give it to her.
00:10:07
Speaker
Ma'am, you've got to show me something I've never seen before. Oh, shit! Okay. There you go. Trophy. Yeah. Yeah. But back to this, the, the sexy car party. I mean, sexy ladies everywhere, boobs on the glass. It's almost shot. It is.
00:10:25
Speaker
I mean, it is shot like fast and furious. Exactly. Like a fast and furious type of deal. um The thing that's different though, is that people want her autograph and want selfies with her because apparently she's car party famous.
00:10:45
Speaker
ah that That is definitely on my list of things to discuss because keep in mind, thing in she humps the hood of that car in such a way that maybe the most erotic thing to happen in this movie is the dance on the hood of that car. It's very sexy. I would 100% agree.
00:11:03
Speaker
It's a very sexy dance on a car. Like as far as movies we've watched with strippers thus far, that was the greatest. She's not even doing a strip tease. She's just dressed sexy, humping the hood of a car.
00:11:17
Speaker
Like she, like she humps, she humps. The lady's pelvis is moving. She is going, she's licking the hood. This right automatically bumps the star rating of were you aroused up a few stars at least. Yeah. Like it's, it's going to lose some later. So it's a good thing that it gets some now.
00:11:38
Speaker
But have you ever been to a strip club? where the stripper did such a good job dancing and got you so horny that you needed their name on a piece of paper to show your friends.
00:11:51
Speaker
That's going to be in a trinket box later. He's like, this lady, this car is so good. That's the part that was was a little bewildering to me, is that I'm trying to imagine a world in which I go see a stripper And I'm like, that that girl's going to be famous someday. I'll be able to say I knew her when she was fucking cars.
00:12:13
Speaker
You know. ah Over at the Honda dealership on 10.
00:12:19
Speaker
Now she's fucking Cadillacs. Who knows where she's going next? This lady has a future. And I will say, I saw her when.
00:12:29
Speaker
It's like if you saw Hamilton when it was off Broadway. Like, you're so proud of yourself. I did get an autograph at a car show once um from, i
Concert Tales and Cultural Humor
00:12:40
Speaker
was a child. i was quite young. I would junior high. And I went to the car show. So good.
00:12:47
Speaker
it was my favorite professional wrestler at the time. Diamond Dallas page. And he fucked nothing that day. Okay. I don't feel like that counts then that doesn't, that's not an analogous situation to what we're discussing at all.
00:13:02
Speaker
That is a man who is on TV. Yeah. Those men went over to her and were so excited. And I was so excited to meet DDP that I told him how to spell my name wrong.
00:13:13
Speaker
I didn't remember how to spell it and give him the wrong spelling. but I have an autograph to my name spelled weird because I was so nervous to meet my favorite wrestler. I have had the chance to tell him about this since and tell him I know how to spell it now.
00:13:29
Speaker
And he said he's proud of Oh, he's so proud of you.
00:13:34
Speaker
Garrett, the fact that you think that these are in any way comparable is hilarious. There is such a big difference between between being one, a literal child and two, meeting someone you saw on TV versus a being a grown ass adult and be wanting the autograph of a lady you just saw hump a car.
00:13:58
Speaker
I have seen some pornography in my day, and I feel like there are certain stars that if I saw them coming down the street, I think a part of your brain would say, oh my God, I would kind of like her autograph.
00:14:11
Speaker
But you have to turn that part off and not do that. Because there's no reason that you would approach her on the street and say that that would make you... not fucking insane. not an insane person. I'm trying to be like, oh I love your work. It's very inspiring.
00:14:29
Speaker
It's gotten me through some really rough times. Some dry patches.
00:14:37
Speaker
Yeah, we get some great moments with the the shower boobs after this where all the the girl dancers get to go shower together. not as sexy as you would think. A little comedic, a little gross, kind of fun.
00:14:52
Speaker
Sometimes your hair gets stuck in another girl's nipple ring. It happens. That would have been a great meet cute. I was really hoping that this was a movie that was actually about how she learned to fall in love with another car dancer whose hair or whose nipple ring she got her hair stuck in.
00:15:12
Speaker
And that would have been the greatest meet cute in the history of romance movies is my hair got stuck in your nipple ring and I was trying to get it untangled without literally ripping your nipple off.
00:15:25
Speaker
Like that's phenomenal. That is not the movie that we are getting. I'm so sorry. The way she rips the hair out too, like you're nervous because i mean, I don't know if you were because I know that this movie is kind of gross.
00:15:40
Speaker
You didn't. You could probably assume. But it theres i mean it almost made like a squelch sound. Nothing happened. Kit, on this podcast, have I ever told the story of being a boy and seeing a man's nipple ripped from his body at a concert?
00:15:58
Speaker
What the fuck are you talking about? I guess I have a lot of stories from the age of like 12 to 14 that line up with the beginning of this movie.
00:16:11
Speaker
Go on. My first metal concert or hard rock concert, I guess you'd say, in my freshman year of high school, maybe eighth grade.
00:16:22
Speaker
it would have been eighth grade because I think Spider-Man had just come out. like We saw that the day before maybe. And ah Seven Dust was the band. There were a couple other bands opening. And during the second band, we saw a man go into the mosh pit shirtless, two nipple rings.
00:16:42
Speaker
He walked back out from the mosh pit with one nipple ring and one nipple. It was just a little circle and oozing blood all over his body what was his facial expression he was being dragged out by security as if to say you need to go to the hospital and he was shouting let me go back in there i'm not done i've still got one left he didn't say that but
00:17:13
Speaker
He had one to spare. that was is that like, so what? I lost one nipple. Listen, as a man, they're useless anyway, so what does he care? He's got a great story for the rest of his life, and so did all of us standing around.
00:17:27
Speaker
and two of actually Including you, of a literal child. Which, why did your parents let you go to a metal concert, Garrett? I was a big boy and I liked to rock.
00:17:41
Speaker
the The middle band was this band Soil and I really liked them at the time. So it was kind of a... Did you tell your parents when you got home that you saw... like they were like, hey Garrett, how was the concert? And you were like, well I saw a man's nipple get ripped off his body.
00:17:57
Speaker
What's funny is i I don't think I told them that but that night was pretty crazy for a couple reasons. One... Midway through the show, the show was sponsored by Cuddy Whiskey.
00:18:08
Speaker
And I remember a representative for Cuddy Whiskey getting on stage and making the announcement...
00:18:15
Speaker
Thanks for coming out here. that We're sponsoring the show. Whoever drinks the most cutty whiskey gets to meet the band after the show. There was no metric to judge that. That's not a real contest.
00:18:27
Speaker
Everybody's filled with whiskey and violence now. But a more memorable part of the show, I saw my first in-person live breasts that night.
00:18:37
Speaker
This was a whole fucking night of formative memories for you. I became a man that night at the the Seven Dust Soil concert.
00:18:48
Speaker
In so many ways. In so many ways you became a man that night. I'm underage. I'm in line to meet the band Soil. And in front of me... You're not underage. can't even drive. No, I had to get driven to this show by my mother.
00:19:04
Speaker
Mommy had to drop you off in the sedan. Mommy drove me to the violence show. and As I got towards the front, there was a man and his wife, wife his lady friend in front of me.
00:19:17
Speaker
And he said, hey, you can't see from there. Come over here. And motioned me to come over next to his lady friend. And he said, watch this. You're going to love it. And then she said to the guitarist, will you sign my tits?
00:19:29
Speaker
And pulled her tits out. And he's right. I thought it was awesome. But he also offered that up to like 12 or 13 year Heroic.
00:19:39
Speaker
hero Garrett. Garrett. This story's been in me a long time. I'm surprised it's never come out. I'm sorry that we're taking such a big break from Teton to our new listeners are like, I came here to listen. For car fucking. car fucking.
00:19:56
Speaker
so far I've heard it your formative years.
00:20:02
Speaker
Garrett. Other episodes usually don't have so many personal stories. Some, not this many, front-loaded. Don't worry. As the movie goes, i have nothing relatable. I was hoping that you didn't because it gets real weird from here.
00:20:19
Speaker
There was no way for you to guess where this movie was headed. No. Even after this scene. There's nothing that could have prepared you for what comes next or next next.
00:20:31
Speaker
No, because next is a guy follows her to her car and is like a creepy weirdo stalker dude. And she stabs him in the ear with her hair chopstick.
00:20:46
Speaker
I wrote it as a hair chopstick, too. Does it have a real name? That's what is. That's what it's called. I just took a guess. You were correct.
00:20:57
Speaker
Well, shit, thank you. I
00:21:04
Speaker
had to write her chopstick like nine times because she uses it so much. It comes up so much. And like... I don't think she even cleaned it off after it was, it touched that man's brains.
00:21:17
Speaker
And she's not even like upset about the brains part that she's like, she just puts that thing back in her hair. She didn't give fuck. But like when she realizes that he spat up on her while he was seizing to death, that she finds gross and she needs to go take a second shower. Yeah. He comes all over her from his mouth. It's very, very yucky.
00:21:38
Speaker
And at this point though, I would say the murder is mostly justified. No, because she never had to roll down the window for him in the first goddamn place.
00:21:50
Speaker
Actually, even after the window was rolled down, she could have driven away.
00:22:01
Speaker
No, I'm still on her side.
00:22:04
Speaker
I don't like the guy. I'm not happy the that he was like trying to make out with her and saying he loved her and literally running after her through a parking lot. I'm not okay with any of that.
00:22:19
Speaker
You're not allowed to chase a lady like that. You know, if you're here's a pro tip, guys, if you really like a sexy car humping dancer lady and you see her walk into her car after the show and she starts walking faster, don't also walk faster.
00:22:38
Speaker
If she starts running, do not start running. Also, that's not good. Somebody who wants an autograph from a stripper. doesn't have the people skills to know these things.
00:22:53
Speaker
That's a fair point, actually. I would love to see where those men kept those autographs and how long they followed them from apartment to apartment for the for the next decade.
00:23:06
Speaker
At which point did they get left behind in a shoebox somewhere? And for how long was it just sitting prominently next to ah a bottle of lotion and a box of Kleenex?
00:23:19
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:24
Speaker
So, um, while she's taking the shower, she hears some weird banging and goes out and sees Yeah, she's gone back into the building to shower. Like, we're back. Did we say that, that she just goes back inside where she already is?
00:23:38
Speaker
Yes, and back to the original shower where her hair got caught in that girl's nipple. And this is where i I realized, because we get to see full frontal nudity here, that she shaves her pubic hair, but not her armpits.
00:23:53
Speaker
And I found that bewildering. Fucking France, am I right? um Am I right, people? the French. Sorry, French folks. you Your customs are confusing to us. i it takes, I'm sorry, but like it takes six seconds to shave a pit.
00:24:15
Speaker
It takes so much longer to shave your pubes into a perfect little landing strip like she had. I don't understand why you would bother with that. Is it purely because when you're fucking a car, the car doesn't care if you have, ah you know, ah armpit hair or not, but the car needs a clean track to get into the vagina? Like, is that what we're talking about here? Wait, is this a question for the French or car fuckers?
00:24:46
Speaker
Both. French car fuckers, specifically. Okay. The French are just like, hey, don't get us lumped into this. This actually isn't a French thing. This is a psychopath thing. This is a car fucker thing.
00:24:59
Speaker
I'm talking to all French car fuckers with head trauma. Let me know. you know so I don't mind armpit hair, by the way. i and i don't mind I don't mind any of the hairs.
00:25:13
Speaker
It's not that I mind. I just found the fact that you would put the effort in in one place and not a less amount of effort in another that I found confusing.
00:25:26
Speaker
Yeah. And the yeah, the one you shaved is not the visible one during your car show. Yeah. That's the other thing. Hmm. and don't know. I guess we'll ask our therapists about this next. ah Yeah, because now she goes out to the car and she's she's somehow fucking
Artistic Car Scene and Its Consequences
00:25:44
Speaker
the car. And I found this one a little bit like like it's listen, it's great. She's in the backseat. She's like got her, you know, the seatbelts wrapped around her arms and she's, you know, tits bounce and looks great.
00:25:56
Speaker
I don't know what's happening. What what is happening? I think the good thing about this... And I do mean mechanically speaking.
00:26:09
Speaker
Well, obviously the answer is the gear shift. But the real answer is i think this movie is really great in a lot of ways.
00:26:20
Speaker
Most of which... leave a lot to your imagination. don't want things left to my imagination. If you're giving me a movie about car fucking, I want it to be excruciatingly detailed.
00:26:34
Speaker
Can I, when we get to the end of this movie, please don't let me forget. and I'll never forget. Please don't let me forget how my brain remembered the end of this movie versus how it actually ended.
00:26:48
Speaker
Oh, Lord. Okay, sure. Now I've got that to look forward to. I Berenstain bearsed myself up here and like um fully imagined an ending that didn't exist and was convinced in my head was about to happen and I don't know why.
00:27:06
Speaker
All right. let's ah The car sex is shot really beautifully and that sunroof shot when she comes. Amazing. It's great.
00:27:17
Speaker
It's really lovely. It's great shot. That's a shot you come up with before you even write the script, and you're like, i have to write a car fucking movie. That's the Palme d'Or right there. They gave it to her for that one.
00:27:29
Speaker
So her thighs next morning are covered in bruises. Her um bits are covered in grease and motor oil Don't ask too many questions. Grease and motor oil keep coming back in this movie, Kit. Mm-hmm.
00:27:47
Speaker
And the cops are just casually talking about, hey, I think there's a serial killer out there. Lol. Which that's such just a random little bit that you hear from the TV.
00:27:58
Speaker
Obviously, that's going to come back up. ah Yeah. Our lady be killing. Our lady be killing. And we basically find from the television what she's killed, like, four other people, at least at this point. At least.
00:28:13
Speaker
That they know of. Then next thing you know, she's kissing a girl. I don't know where this girl came from. It doesn't really matter. Is it the girl from the shower? i don't think so.
00:28:24
Speaker
I believe it's one of the girls from work. If it's not the that girl, it is somebody from work. I believe it's the same girl. She had clothes on, though, mostly. So it was kind of... And you watched the lady fuck a car. So, like, a lot's happened in your head between seeing this girl Also, though, she sucks on that nipple, and that nipple did not have ah ring on it.
00:28:44
Speaker
So... You're right. The nipple-sucking... hey Yeah, you want talk about it? Oh, God. She bites the nipple too much.
00:28:56
Speaker
She bites much. She's eating that tit. She is eating the tit. And the girl's like, is this your first time with a girl? You know you can go down. like And she is not listening. She just wants to consume this breast.
00:29:14
Speaker
Was that a prosthetic? It had to have been, right? I hope so.
00:29:20
Speaker
To God it was, because the things she does to that are not okay. It's not okay. I'm not going to say it. It's not my story to tell.
00:29:33
Speaker
Someday I'm sure it'll come up on the podcast. And I'll let you do it on your own if it happens. Thank you. Gary! Gary!
00:29:47
Speaker
yeah Eventually, we're going to have some dead air that needs space to fill. And let's just say Kit's going to have a story. Maybe. about and About nipple trauma.
00:30:00
Speaker
But it is not this day.
00:30:06
Speaker
So ah she throws up in the lake and her stomach's all distended and like oils everywhere. And it seems as though the car has put...
00:30:17
Speaker
a baby in our hero. And her first instinct is to... Yeah, her first instinct is to try to take that ah that hair chopstick and and try to give herself a little a little quickie abortion, which is wild in a country where, by the way, abortion is completely legal.
00:30:39
Speaker
And two, health care is free. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? Why is this the best idea you had?
00:30:51
Speaker
Well, we don't know what's going to be in there. Number three, you don't know what's in there. If it is part car, what are the chances a ah sharp stick is going to really do it?
00:31:07
Speaker
All three valid. All three valid. I do also just want to say, like, that Swiss Army knife of a chopstick is... i It's a great tool to have, ladies.
00:31:19
Speaker
Is it a Swiss Army knife if it only has one function and it is to kill? i guess That's not true. It has two. It also keeps your hair up. Kid, it wasn't life yet. It's not even killing It too soon.
00:31:38
Speaker
But it was progressing pretty fast. So it may have... The gestation period... I don't know. The gestation period for cars is apparently pretty quick.
00:31:50
Speaker
um Which I wouldn't have... maybe yeah But at the same time, like if you would ask Garrett, if before you had seen this movie, if someone was like, okay, ladies pregnant with a car, how long do you think it takes before she starts showing?
00:32:09
Speaker
o man.
00:32:12
Speaker
It's funny. Cause you asked, you, you asked me that on the spot, having not heard of seeing this movie before. First, my brain is going to have to answer, well, why did she have sex with the car? Was it the tailpipe? Was it this? was Stop it. Don't have that. It's a blinker. Stupid question.
00:32:26
Speaker
Okay. Pregnant with a car. Pregnant with a car. Does it matter what kind of car? a Sports car? Sports car. It's not a truck.
00:32:37
Speaker
it's not In case it makes a difference. performance machine. High performance vehicle. yeah Yes. Performing at a high level. Heavily modded. Oh. That's gotta be faster than a regular... Like, a Dodge Dart isn't gonna get you pregnant like this.
00:32:54
Speaker
A Golf isn't gonna... That's gonna... No. That one might not even take the first time. Does a Honda Civic get... it Like, gets you really reliably pregnant, but it's not... It's not as quick as, say, you know, Bugatti Veylon.
00:33:14
Speaker
And obviously... The obvious joke is a Prius could never because it's two vaginas. na na I like electric cars. so but yeah Not to all of them. I have a hybrid. I have a hybrid. Okay. i kind do i love the environment.
00:33:33
Speaker
No, I don't know. I think, i mean, yeah, I'll guess. I mean, I know the answers fast, so it's hard for me to put myself in a situation where I don't know. Then like how long does it take to make a car?
00:33:45
Speaker
It takes longer to make a fancy sports car, right? Than it does to make your typical car in a factory. So like, does that factor in?
00:33:57
Speaker
Like, especially, you know, the last few years, you have to put your name in to get a car. And what does it take? Around yeah true nine months. Oh God.
00:34:10
Speaker
Garrett, is this where cars come from? It shows up early. You got a preemie. Premium deal on this car. sorry.
00:34:21
Speaker
so Sorry, we usually record these at like 9 or 10 in the morning. This one, we're at ah around 11.40 p.m. and I'm drinking beer. Vibes are different. Garrett insisted that he needed me to record this immediately after seeing this movie for the first time so that I would not have time to process or, God forbid, sleep on it.
00:34:44
Speaker
ah Instead, he wanted me to go into this extraordinarily movie. i need do I needed this to gestate at the pace of a car, which is apparently extremely quick, extremely quick.
00:35:01
Speaker
Yeah. So from the nipple sucking and the abortion in the bathroom upstairs of this orgy party, she's found herself at, I think an orgy party. yeah I think the girl just has a ton of roommates.
00:35:15
Speaker
But everybody's like shirtless. I think they were all having sex up upstairs. This has the vibe of an orgy. Maybe that's just what having a lot of roommates is like in France, Garrett.
Alexia's Violent Escape and Disguise
00:35:26
Speaker
But she ends up killing this girl. hu She kills another guy. yeah and then a guy comes down the stairs naked and like holding his dick.
00:35:38
Speaker
Jerome's naked. Yeah, Jerome. you're telling me he didn't just leave from having sex somewhere? I mean, maybe he did, but maybe he also lives there. But then what about the lady upstairs? It's genuinely funny. She kills one girl and then it's like, oh no this girl has a roommate or someone else is here.
00:35:56
Speaker
And then there is another person and another person. And she is like, how many of you are there? And he's like, what do you mean?
00:36:08
Speaker
Well, like, there's BB and Chelsea yeah and Chris and other Chris and... It's just a waterfall of horny French people.
00:36:18
Speaker
Like, they just one after another, and she's got to stab this lady. The stab to the first lady in the face is yucky. It's yucky. then she kills her. And then she hits the other guy with a stool. She puts a stool through his face.
00:36:32
Speaker
And then she gets the fire poker. And fire poker's a guy. and um...
00:36:40
Speaker
I think and think someone got left alive, though. like didn but did The booby lady got away. Yeah. But don't worry. She let one get away, but she takes out two next.
00:36:53
Speaker
When she goes home, locks her parents in their bedroom, sits a pile of blankets on fire, and burns the house down. I thought at first she was just ah destroying evidence, but then, um no, like, yes, killing two birds with one bucket on fire. You know?
00:37:15
Speaker
kit There was no way in hell without reading the plot and just what the movie that you had been set up with, which was already, I'm assuming, way far away from what you could have ever imagined this movie was going to be. There was like no way to see the next turn.
00:37:34
Speaker
I was very confused about what was even happening, and I had to actually look up the plot. I didn't read ahead, but I read up until where I was in the plot because I could not understand what was happening.
00:37:49
Speaker
So she she realizes that the train station is like crawling with cops, and there's like a a forensic sketch of her being passed around, and and everybody's looking for her.
00:38:01
Speaker
So she cuts off her hair, and And binds up her boobies and shaves off her eyebrows and then breaks her own goddamn nose, which she's very bad at at first as she's like limply punching herself in the face.
00:38:19
Speaker
I remember this being kind of one of the cringiest scenes in theaters where everybody is like, cause she's hitting herself in the face and you're just like, Oh fuck. And then she puts that nose on the edge of the sink and you're just, you're squinting, trying to not take it.
00:38:35
Speaker
And this is all happening because in addition to her wanted poster, we also see a missing child poster. Yes, there have been there have been a couple of pictures of, like, here's a missing child who went missing at age seven, and here's what he would look like now as a 17-year-old. And I guess...
00:38:55
Speaker
It was not immediately clear that that's what she was trying to do was take the place of missing child. it I just thought she was like, oh, they won't catch me if I'm like if i'm disguised as a boy with a broken nose.
00:39:12
Speaker
I think that's fair on a first viewing because you've also been disoriented from everything that's happened prior to this. I just assumed that the missing kid was something they were setting up for later in the movie.
00:39:24
Speaker
I didn't, and then when, like, she, you know, next thing you know, there's some guy at a police station, and he's like, you think I don't know my own son? and then they open up the thing, and it's her, and I'm like, but that's not your son, and you're not her dad.
00:39:39
Speaker
I'm pretty sure her dad got lit on fire. I'm very confused. I think this is what is also and not confusing, but interesting. Because I want to say I do love this. movie I think this is a five star. I love this movie. This is a great movie.
00:39:58
Speaker
It's crazy how tender this movie gets. Like how
00:40:06
Speaker
thoughtful and like kind of just human-like. like in and The movie is so much more tender through this next insane last half than it has any business been.
00:40:23
Speaker
hear People helping people, Kit. People helping people.
00:40:31
Speaker
This is what the world needs a little more of. Help your neighbor. If your neighbor loses a son, pretend to be him. after you've stabbed several of your other neighbors in the ear with your hair chopstick Yeah, well, she learned to care for other people. Like, she,
00:40:51
Speaker
you know she she found her own the dad she never had and Because obviously her dad was pretty cold, like when we saw him last before he gets burnt. Like, he's not super cool. Like, they clearly have a strained relationship.
00:41:06
Speaker
And this guy looks like he's ready to say I love you right away. think you mean, t'aime. It is what I mean, yeah.
00:41:17
Speaker
So...
00:41:22
Speaker
Yeah, so she goes home with this guy, and it turns out Daddy here is a fireman. He's a fire captain. And um this is a dumb and bad plan.
00:41:34
Speaker
It's a very dumb, very bad plan. She's going to pretend to be a 17-year-old boy while being not only a woman, but extraordinarily pregnant.
00:41:47
Speaker
And on the run from the police. And it wouldn't have worked if daddy hadn't been the head firefighter. If it had been employee underneath, eventually somebody would have been this is fucked up what's going on.
00:42:04
Speaker
But nobody can tell their boss, like, that's clearly a pregnant lady pretending to be your dead son. Yeah, no, he's like, don't talk to me about my son. I am God.
00:42:15
Speaker
My son is therefore Jesus. And you ain't talking shit about Jesus. and love that the guy's like, well, then I guess Jesus is a gay white lady. and Whatever he said.
00:42:26
Speaker
I think that's almost verbatim, isn't it? It's like he's a gay white kid. Yeah. Turns out Jesus is gay and white or white and gay. Yeah. Yeah, so here's the thing.
00:42:37
Speaker
I have other concerns about this dad and and why Kid went missing in the first place. You think he's too buff? First of all, dad takes steroids, which is not, as we are well aware from various roid rage related crimes that have happened, is not great.
00:42:59
Speaker
Second of all, the kid's room locks from the outside of the room and not the inside. So that to me...
00:43:12
Speaker
is already implying that this is a bad situation. And Dad even says, like, why do you always want to run away? Your seven-year-old was running away? why would your seven-year-old be running away?
00:43:26
Speaker
So often you needed to lock his door from the outside. Putting a lock on it. You locked your son in his room. Something that you, by the way, as a firefighter, would know is a big no-no.
00:43:43
Speaker
They're definitely because this movie doesn't have definite answers to anything, but there are a lot of fan theories that he was either abusive to his homosexual son or possibly even killed him himself.
00:43:59
Speaker
I had that thought, too, because there is also that weird moment where. they're They're doing a little like like test fire, and he sees ah kid ah a burnt-up kid in a cabinet that isn't actually there.
00:44:14
Speaker
That's weird. What was that from? How'd that happen? That's some trauma. Did this child of his, did he burn up his own child and his him taking in what he might think is a trans person be his way of like trying to get forgiveness in his own mind of what he did to his own child?
00:44:35
Speaker
Maybe. a Maybe. Your guess is as good as mine. His instinct is to, like, take her and shave her head immediately and be like, now you look decent.
00:44:49
Speaker
He has no questions about, like, huh, she seems, he, my son, seems to have ah scars on the side of his head that are extremely old that I would know about if it had happened while he lived with me.
00:45:07
Speaker
He has no questions. Well, guess... Because obviously he eventually does realize it's not his son. But do you think that he did know from the but beginning and he just needed something to fill the hole?
00:45:23
Speaker
Or do you think he was so fucked up that he was legitimately fooled?
00:45:30
Speaker
I think that he was so fucked up that he was legitimately... Like he wanted it to be true so badly kind of thing. and that he convinced himself that he was, he was like willfully delusional about it.
00:45:50
Speaker
i mean, nobody else in the, the fire department is even a like ah the firefighters are all just like, Jesus Christ. All right. Well, this is just, I guess we'll be nice to him.
00:46:03
Speaker
Is this guy, is this, is this, is this like a, is this like a make a wish kid who's here to play firefighter for a day?
00:46:16
Speaker
He is just giving this um pregnant serial killer too many higher up firefighter jobs that should be going the other firefighters for sure.
Firehouse Dynamics and Father-Son Bonding
00:46:28
Speaker
little little nepotism happening in the firehouse. Especially considering that, by the way, even if this kid is who you think he is, he's 17, highly traumatized, and has had essentially, as far as you know, no education for the past 10 years.
00:46:47
Speaker
So you've decided that he doesn't need any fireman training. He doesn't need any, like, what? Nothing? He needs nothing. He doesn't need to pass any physical exams, but show that he can carry a person.
00:47:03
Speaker
No, nothing. Let the record show and the movie where the lady has fucked a car and is pregnant by means of car fucking. She does want proper papers signed, notarized. Like he has to have the proper authentication or whatever.
00:47:23
Speaker
I am just saying that he is a bad fire chief. That's all I'm saying. He's buffed. and i Kind of handsome. I have proof. He's a bad fire chief, by the way, um which is the fact that later he is drinking and playing with a lighter and accidentally, maybe on purpose, lights his chest on fire and is so bad at putting it out.
00:47:47
Speaker
So bad at putting out the fire on his chest. That was definitely on purpose. He did that. He needed to feel. he The putting it out slowly was not on purpose. He is trying to put it out and failing.
00:48:01
Speaker
You are making it seem like he's insane. and he had just watched his son do the sexy car strip tease from the beginning of the movie to all the firefighters during their homoerotic no girls allowed party.
00:48:17
Speaker
i That's a whole fucking other thing. Yeah, let's dive into the homoerotic weird dance parties where there's no beers. and I got more confusing bits even before that.
00:48:29
Speaker
Well, there's like a dozen dance scenes in this movie. This is like a goddamn Bollywood movie, how much dancing there is at the like the last hour.
00:48:39
Speaker
wants to stab her yeah you know fake dad, and then he's like, no, hit me like a man. And she's like... And then she wants to leave. She's mute for the majority of the end. But they learn to love each other, do they not? They get a call where they need to come and save someone who's overdosed or something.
00:49:02
Speaker
And then while dad is saving this guy who's overdosed, the elderly mom keels over and he's like, you gotta to bring her back. You gotta to sing the Macarena to save her. It's the only way.
00:49:18
Speaker
And then at the end, when she's dying,
00:49:23
Speaker
nobody sings the Macarena a second time, which is why it doesn't work. I don't know. Is Macarena, because I know, like, Stayin' Alive is, like, the one that I've been taught in CPR classes. Yeah, apparently the french the French don't do that.
00:49:39
Speaker
But is Macarena the same... the food like and like done it does seem faster french you gotta to get a different song i mean i also don't want you to take our advice on that because i we could be wrong on the american side of the cpr maybe the that's not possible Yeah, you're right. Fuck you guys.
00:50:06
Speaker
Everything we're doing right now is cool and up to code. Don't question anything. Don't talk about our son. Don't talk about Bruna.
00:50:19
Speaker
So the fire guy is like, I saw that man as my father figure. It's not fair. You're taking him away from me. And also, by the way, I'm pretty sure you're that serial killer everyone's looking for. And dad's like, don't talk about my son. And then we have more dancing.
00:50:36
Speaker
and Dancing dad's spinning her around and i Were you worried that that was going to maybe... Because the dad ends up picking her up on the shoulders in a way that's like, oh, that's going to hurt a pregnant belly so bad.
00:50:51
Speaker
ah No, I thought he was going to notice she didn't have a dick and balls. What the fuck? What? we what When? but During the dancing?
00:51:03
Speaker
When he picks her up and is like holding her on his shoulders, his arm is like touching between her legs. I'm going to shake my head. No, that I don't think in the amount of time that he had in like a joyous moment spinning that he, with his bicep, his very meaty bicep from the steroids, mind you, was feeling around the groin for Dick and balls.
00:51:35
Speaker
didn't say he was going to be feeling on purpose. I just thought might notice they ain't there. For my wrestling ah fan listeners, just picture Lex Luger every time giving somebody the torture rack. It's like, holy shit, Roddy Piper had a hog on him while I was giving him that. I don't think you'd notice. but Anyway, so... We had different thoughts there. I don't know.
00:52:01
Speaker
His ex-wife... I was never worried about Car Baby. I knew Car Baby was going to survive. That thing's made of titanium. Yeah. to um So ah ex-wife slash mother of the missing child comes home and is like, that's obviously not my son.
00:52:21
Speaker
She's cool. She does look very cool. That cool leather jacket, cool lady. Was very nice to not tell her grieving ex-husband this definitely is a That obviously not our son.
00:52:35
Speaker
And was cool enough to walk in on our lead tits out screaming about the that's leaking. belly. Oh, at this point, the oil's leaking out of her tits. It's like she's trying to squeeze all the oil out. It's a mess.
00:52:48
Speaker
She's got herself in a real fucking pickle. She scratched herself. She scratched basically a hole in her own stomach and there's like titanium underneath again. And yeah, she's like, I don't really care. You just, he needs somebody.
00:53:03
Speaker
so you take care him. There ain't nobody itchier than the 10 man Kit.
00:53:12
Speaker
Kit's yawning because it's midnight. Yeah. Why is it midnight, Kit? Yeah. just right So the belly's getting weird and there's a forest fire and ah I'm pretty sure dad killed that guy.
00:53:28
Speaker
Garrett. Yeah. Dad killed that kid on purpose. Dad killed the only one who ever really loved him.
00:53:36
Speaker
I think like if we're really, i don't know, like it's after the fire though, that things just, we get to the get last little dance. She's finally one of the boys.
00:53:50
Speaker
Yeah, they're like, Adrian, we love you! What are these dance parties? No, here's the thing, is this dance party is right after one of their own has just been brutally exploded in the middle of a forest fire by like a gas canister that came out of a trailer.
00:54:11
Speaker
It is horrifying. And then cut to, I guess it's Bastille Day or something, because we've got all the French flag decorations out, and we are having ourselves a sausage fest fireman party rave. Firehouse rave party where we're all jostling each other around and dancing and headbanging.
00:54:34
Speaker
I don't remember what he was describing, but there is a Patton Oswalt joke where he's like, and everything was wet and French and gay. And it is it was this party.
00:54:45
Speaker
Very much that. And it's... Spraying each other with their hoses. So weird. And I know grief can take a lot of different forms, Garrett. And I'm not here to judge how anyone expresses their sadness over the loss of a beloved colleague.
00:55:01
Speaker
But... um This isn't what I would guess.
00:55:09
Speaker
Which thing? The setting himself on fire? The her fucking a fire truck? ah No, no. All that makes perfect sense. It's the it's the rave that made... that that had Oh, that was the... Also, how early into seeing the fire trucks did you think to yourself, oh she gonna fuck that?
00:55:31
Speaker
Literally the second I realized she was at a firehouse. You can't not have be into cars and take the opportunity to have sex with that truck.
00:55:41
Speaker
Honestly, was kind of hoping there'd be more car fucking in this movie. Garrett, there was only the two car fucks and one of them we barely get to see and it doesn't even seem like she's enjoying herself.
00:55:55
Speaker
Well, no, because she's uncomfortable and like on the verge of giving birth. like Throughout this, her belly's splitting open. Her fingers are going in her scratch holes. The oil's leaking out of her tits.
00:56:07
Speaker
This woman's about to explode, but nobody's horny like a pregnant woman. And she had to get that nut on that fire truck. Mm-hmm. But before yes. fire in the other room. ah Even though Dad saw her naked, and since Dad may or may not have killed a man ah to protect her secret, Dad's like, I don't care who you are, you're my son.
00:56:30
Speaker
Beautiful. you're my You're my son. You've always been my son. And then like the towel falls down and her tits are there and he just like puts it back up. He's like, you're my You're my son.
00:56:43
Speaker
there's that really sweet moment earlier with the dress that we didn't mention where she's trying on a dress in the closet and he comes in and catches and starts laughing. And there's like a little bit of worry of like, Oh my God, is he going to beat the shit out of her or something?
00:56:57
Speaker
But then he goes and gets a photo album to show pictures of his son when he's like seven and the same dress. He's like, how can they tell me? I don't know. You're my son. It's kind of sweet.
00:57:08
Speaker
It is kind of sweet. Um, And so, even if you are car pregnant, daddy loves you anyway. um So that's sweet, I guess. But yeah, they put her up on top of the truck, and I don't know what they expected him to do up there, but the song starts playing, and, you know, the stripper...
00:57:36
Speaker
instinct just takes over and she starts sexy dancing on top of the fire truck and the reaction from everyone is so fucking funny. home Seriously, everything everybody stops talking they're staring, they're looking at each other, they're confused, they're concerned.
00:58:00
Speaker
They don't have any idea why this is happening and none of this stops her. She is living her stripper, I want to fuck this truck truth.
00:58:15
Speaker
But dad's not quite ready for that. Dad walks and walks in and is like, hey, it's time to shut down some of this Bastille Day celebration you got going on here. It's late. Oh, my son is um car dancing.
00:58:31
Speaker
I was okay with him being gay. I was okay with maybe having a kid that's trans. But a kid that car dances?
00:58:42
Speaker
Don't... don't know. Next thing i know, i all my coworkers are asking my son for his autograph. ah I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready for this life of fame. ah the musical, not the...
00:59:00
Speaker
So yeah, she fucks the truck. It's great. It's okay. She cries. It's Yeah, it's not a sexy car sex. And then, yeah, daddy sets himself on fire.
00:59:12
Speaker
And does not know stop, drop, and roll, apparently. dad Well, he just saw his son dance in front of the firehouse and he was a little embarrassed and he needs to feel hurt.
00:59:23
Speaker
He needs to feel the pain. Let it burn a little longer than you need to. Yeah. I think what's funny when she goes to cuddle with him. She's laying on his burned tummy and he doesn't seem to mind.
00:59:37
Speaker
But then like she knows something's up. He knows something's up with her. And she tries to kiss him in a sexy way. It's a bad idea.
00:59:47
Speaker
and And he's like, no! He's like, I'm not weird. You're my son. not going to my son.
00:59:56
Speaker
I'm normal boy. I'm a normal boy. You're a normal boy. um not gonna kiss my son ah listen you've taken things a step too far first you fuck my fire truck and now you want to fuck me we're not doing this shit and now john's gonna ask me weird questions when we go and watch football later dance up there my best friend john that i they don't watch football they watch football football um you couldn't hear my accent
01:00:31
Speaker
Yeah, he's gonna walk out, but she starts puking up motor oil, so he's like, oh, I guess we're we're gonna deliver this Tonka truck. Okay.
01:00:43
Speaker
I remember this scene being a lot more gross. And I think overall, I remember this is a movie kind of like people remember Texas Chainsaw Massacre being a lot gorier than it is because the movie's so visceral and gross that you like Your brain fills in gaps.
01:01:03
Speaker
Like the how people think that you see Gwyneth Paltrow's head in the box in seven and you don't actually ever see the head in the box. It's just that it's like so built up and so scary that like your brain filled in the blanks.
01:01:18
Speaker
Same with like the original Saw. like Everybody remembers that movie being really gross. The foot-cutting scene is like one second, and when you go back and watch it, it kind of has the violence of like an episode of CSI, maybe a little more. It's like pretty tame. like The sequels go wild. Way harder. But the original, not really.
01:01:39
Speaker
And this is one of those movies... That like, as you're sitting in a theater and you see like her stomach start to split open. I, for some reason, my brain, i remembered seeing it coming out of her like that. This movie feels like it's going to be body horror, extra gross.
01:01:56
Speaker
Did you think it was going to come out of the tummy or out of the vagina? Did you think I remember delivering by car section, by C-section, the C stands for car?
01:02:09
Speaker
Kit, I thought it came out the vagina and I thought I saw it peeking out like it knocked up when you see the crowning. I remember in my brain that happened. That doesn't. And the baby comes out. and Daddy's got it wrapped up in the thing.
01:02:23
Speaker
Kit, I am not making this up to you. I swear to God. i i hear me out. Is it a boy? Is it a girl? It's a Hot Wheel. Yeah.
01:02:35
Speaker
Kit, I thought he, I distinctly remember my brain for these past several years have filled in a blank where when he pulls that towel off, it is like a miniature Ford F-150 in his arms.
01:02:52
Speaker
And to my disappointment, when I saw a real baby, was like, well, maybe I do need to knock this movie as far. It's not entirely a real baby. It's not entirely a real baby. Its spine is metallic and it has like a sheen of metal on its face.
01:03:07
Speaker
It is not a normal. Yeah, it's not a normal human baby, but it is, you know. Where's his goddamn wheels kit? How's it going to get around?
01:03:18
Speaker
Yeah. We didn't see its feet. Maybe it has ah wheel feet and human hands. You don't know. The best of both worlds.
Surreal Conclusion: Birth of a Metal Baby
01:03:29
Speaker
I think that may be the worst of both worlds.
01:03:35
Speaker
Yeah, so she dies giving birth, which is probably for the best, because otherwise she was going to end up going to jail for being a serial killer. And he tries to keep her alive, but he doesn't sing the Macarena while he's doing mouth-to-mouth, so obviously it doesn't work.
01:03:49
Speaker
And that's the end of that. Now he has a new son to replace his old son, and then his second son that was actually a sexy car daughter. um And now he's got a new car son.
01:04:01
Speaker
So I guess everything fucking works out in the end. Five stars. Palme d'Or. We all are happy. Garrett. Nine minutes standing ovation. Less than The Rock, god unfortunately.
01:04:13
Speaker
You hated it? I hated it. Oh, man. you I thought it was minority so pretentious. I did not care. i hated it. I thought it was dumb. I'm sorry. Well, it is.
01:04:28
Speaker
Desolée, France. I'm sorry. wasn't my cup of motor oil. What can I say?
01:04:39
Speaker
Well, okay, so you thought it was dumb, but the real question, were you aroused? um You know, for the first bit, when she's fucking that car, you know, and even but and before that, when she's dancing on that car, and the Fast and Furious car party, that was pretty hot.
01:05:01
Speaker
um The parts where her body starts to split open because she has a goddamn Toyota coming out of her, that's a that knocks it a little bit. That...
01:05:17
Speaker
That kind of ruins it. so The dance is really good, though. The dance, the second dance, the first dance, or the third dance? The dance when they're at dinner and Papa is like, okay, you won't talk to That's the fourth dance.
01:05:33
Speaker
you won't talk to me but will you dance with me to the zombies and then also maybe I'll slap you a little bit while we're dancing because this is how I show my affection because I'm uh I've got I'm on just so many goddamn steroids right now he's juice to the gills and he just wants to roughhouse with his kids I just want to roughhouse with my with my boy I'm gonna have to put it at a one and a half Get fucked.
01:06:02
Speaker
Listen, it was high, but I'm sorry. But like every time she took off her clothes in the latter two thirds of the movie, she looked like so
01:06:15
Speaker
We've watched so many movies where you don't even get to see nudity the rest of the movie. That would be preferable, Garrett! That would be infinitely preferable! But what we are watching!
01:06:27
Speaker
Do you know how much I would rather she had kept her clothes on the entire second two third like second part of the movie? Do you know how much I wish she had kept her clothes on? Please keep that goddamn sweatshirt on. Please, please keep your big ugly firefighter outfit on Because every time she takes it off, her body looks like it has been run through a meat grinder. She is covered in motor oil. She's scarred. She's got like holes in her that little bits of car are poking out of. It's bad.
01:07:01
Speaker
Okay, Kit, we get it. It's not your thing.
01:07:06
Speaker
Look, I could be convinced that a car is sexy. I cannot be convinced that a woman giving birth to a car is sexy. Okay, Kit.
01:07:18
Speaker
Why? What would you give it? A car has to get you pregnant, who you choosing. i have to choose to get pregnant via car. Okay. Via car. Which car are you going to have sex with?
01:07:32
Speaker
I don't have to say get more detailed. just You can just say it. i don't You don't have to offer an explanation, but I'd like one. I would go with some sporty little number. You know, like ah something that's that's cute and and maneuverable.
01:07:48
Speaker
ah
01:07:51
Speaker
What are the cars that they had in the Italian job? Mini Coopers. Yeah, I'd fuck a Mini Cooper. Why not? Also a smaller baby. Smaller baby, much, much better.
01:08:05
Speaker
That's a fair answer. I like that. That's a, you know, it's a, it's a, yeah, that's all right. I wouldn't be my choice. Well, okay. You want something with a lot more trunk space?
01:08:15
Speaker
Is that what you're telling me? No, I'm actually choosing a car from a different Jason Statham movie.
01:08:23
Speaker
I'm happy that we're both doing something that Statham's cheeks have sat on the seat. I would pick Frank Martin's car from the transporter. Okay. All right.
01:08:34
Speaker
yeah you drove an Audi. yeah You know what? If we're going based on movies, though, like the WRX in Baby Driver, um'd fuck that car. and ah so many canceled people in that movie. I know, but there was still good movie. car didn't cancel anybody. The car didn't do anything wrong.
01:08:49
Speaker
Kevin Spacey did the mocap for the car. No! so he's like i'm the seat sit on me please um like there's a part of me that would go for a classic like an old school dodge challenger to something diesel's car in yeah in a different movie that jason statham's also in
01:09:13
Speaker
ah All good answers. All good answers. All sexy answers. Garrett, were you aroused scale one to five? I didn't got get your your number. More than one and a half. That car dance alone where she's licking the hood and humping the hood.
01:09:27
Speaker
I'm sorry, but seeing her distended stomach with like a little car wheel sort of poking at her tummy while she's in the shower and just sort of ruins it for me.
01:09:39
Speaker
Kit, one of the dangers of sex is pregnancy. You don't have sex if you're not going to... thought that was the whole benefit of fucking a car, Garrett, is that there is no chance of pregnancy.
01:09:53
Speaker
Unfortunately, that's not true. They didn't warn me about that in sex ed. we live in the real world, Kit. There are consequences for having sex with a car. Well, then why didn't they tell me that in health class, Garrett? I thought we had a pretty comprehensive sex ed.
01:10:09
Speaker
Yeah, they definitely didn't teach me that my abstinence class.
01:10:14
Speaker
That we have discussed in a previous episode where the bus one of the bus drivers taught our abstinence class in high school. Go find that episode and enjoy. it Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the important thing is, ah in neither of those classes did they mention how to have safe sex with a car.
01:10:31
Speaker
So... um Is it that you, like, when people have those, like, covers on their car that they put, like, like a dust cover on the car, does that work as a condom or is that too porous?
01:10:44
Speaker
It's probably one of those things that the salesmen try and sell you that's, like, something that goes on top of the paint for something. Yes, it's just like when they're trying to get you to get, the like, the weather tech format.
01:10:56
Speaker
but Like, you need to get that. It actually stops you from getting pregnant. and You're like, excuse me? Sorry, it does what now? They're like, okay, if you don't know what I'm talking about, it sounds like you don't need those.
01:11:07
Speaker
that But now that I put the idea in your head, maybe you do. Maybe you do. Were you thrilled, kid? You know what? i I have to say, I literally never knew what the hell was going to happen next.
01:11:24
Speaker
Genuinely never had a clue sometimes I didn't even know what was happening right as I was watching it so I will go ahead and say that this one gets or four I will rate it a four on the thrill zoom meter cause like you're watching a lady give birth to a car you don't know what the fuck's coming out of there Yeah, when she killed everyone at the orgy.
01:11:50
Speaker
Yeah. And just a line of people just one after another. Killed that guy then. Then you realize, like, holy shit, she killed all those people we heard about on TV. She burns her parents to death.
01:12:02
Speaker
She's fucking a car. Which is all a thrill in its own right. Yeah. Now she's a little boy with a broken nose. The breaking of the nose is a thrill.
01:12:14
Speaker
This might be a full five. And then you know what? I might ramp it up because yeah, there's always the threat that someone's going to find out who she is. And then people do keep finding out who she is. And for one reason or another are not able to like stop her.
01:12:30
Speaker
Well, when they grab her by her arms and legs to put her on the fire hydrant, it seems way more sinister. Like you think like maybe she's about so to be murdered or something, or but it ends up being, it ends up actually being very harmless and they're like, dance on the fire engine. You're one of us now. And I'm like, holy shit. I don't know.
01:12:53
Speaker
I did not actually want you to dance on the fire truck. I take it back. I'm going five because I think there's points when you're like oh my God, she's got the dress on. He might beat the shit out of her. These guys are going to do this.
01:13:06
Speaker
Like I am in a constant state of having no idea what's going to happen to this woman. Plus a car is gestating in her belly that is later going to escape her. Yeah. And i like as dad is helping to birth it, like they keep having the baby cry, but you don't get to see what's wrapped up in the blanket.
01:13:26
Speaker
And you're just like, show me if it's a Tonka truck.
01:13:32
Speaker
Uh, he seems really not freaked out, though. ah Shockingly un... I mean, I know that he's a fireman. He's trained to be calm under pressure. But, like, this woman is leaking motor oil out of every orifice.
01:13:48
Speaker
And you seem very blasé about this situation. Nonchalant. He's seen it all. He's seen it all. ah I guess. um You know what? I will bump it up to four and a half.
01:14:01
Speaker
There you go. Not going to argue that. And obviously. Are you going to ruin your life for that Cadillac with the flames on it? think so. I mean, it had a certain je ne sais quoi.
01:14:17
Speaker
Oh,
01:14:21
Speaker
u la la. I'm not joking. When it was hitting the hydraulics and that is just like thrusting. That's super clever, by the way. that. yeah She looked like she was having a goddamn blast back there with her like wrapped up in the seatbelts.
01:14:38
Speaker
I don't know what it's going to do to me as a boy. don't know what it did to her as a girl. Why would I know what it would do to you as a boy? but i feel like it's, it's like something.
01:14:49
Speaker
Probably can't get pregnant. Wait a minute, Garrett. Cars are girls.
01:14:57
Speaker
Cars are female. female. How did it impregnate her?
01:15:04
Speaker
You're asking so many questions. Uh-huh. So other fan theories are that obviously a car did not get her pregnant and that it is um that man in the parking lot may have may have sexually assaulted her.
01:15:21
Speaker
And that's all that white stuff may have actually been semen or something. And that like everything else is just kind of a weird fever dream of trauma afterwards. Gary. I don't believe in metaphor.
01:15:32
Speaker
i believe that everything is exactly as it is presented to me. That woman was ah she was ah impregnated, inseminated by a car and she gave birth to a baby Optimus Prime and I'm OK with it.
01:15:53
Speaker
I'm not going to accept that there isn't a little Ford F-150 under that blanket. We're going to go back to just pretending that's how it ended in my mind. This actually kind of really ruined that for me. because that You loved that. I'm so sorry. i was really hoping that this is where Hot Wheels came from.
01:16:12
Speaker
They're just babies. They're just little babies. haven't grown into big cars yet. What if this was the Hot Wheels movie that like Mattel released? Jesus Christ. I i would be ah so delighted. this is That would be the world I want to live in, where we're not so constrained by corporate bullshit that we can't truly let our creativity run wild. I want to know where Hot Wheels- How we follow up Barbie with something else? Hot Wheels movie-
01:16:43
Speaker
Hot Wheels movie, where do Hot Wheels come from? We learned about where Barbie comes from. She comes from Barbie land. Where does Hot Wheels come from? They're tiny cars. Tiny cars? Baby cars. Baby cars come from sex.
01:16:56
Speaker
And Margot Robbie's gonna play the lady in the American remake.
01:17:03
Speaker
Actually, I would watch the fuck out of that. so Obviously, I would, too. ah Now, last two questions, because we have two more. ah We do.
01:17:14
Speaker
Was it a rat? Where you? Razz? Where are you thrilled? Would you ruin your life for this car?
01:17:21
Speaker
Did it fit the criteria of cozy and spooky? Absolutely not. What the fuck are you talking about? Which part of this movie, Garrett, says cozy to you?
01:17:34
Speaker
her belly look like a nice little house to become a car in was it not a nice little warm cozy place that helped it grow into what's going to have a great father was it not cozy that first of all he's not gonna be a great father this man each other and this man is still addicted to steroids you can that is something you can unaddicted to he already passed out in the bathroom from taking roids he's not out he had cardiac arrest uh that's that's worse that's what you call rock bottom and now this baby is going to save his life these two people with separate traumas found each other hallmark christmas good parents and they You become good parents if you were addicted to drugs, but then you have a kid, so now you will suddenly not be addicted to drugs anymore. That's how that works. Having a kid solves all your problems.
01:18:41
Speaker
Boom! Garrett, there was literally no part of this that was cozy. You are a liar and a fool.
01:18:52
Speaker
well
01:18:55
Speaker
That's on me. My bad. I'll give you spooky. The body horror of what was happening to her ah was very real. And also all of those murders.
01:19:07
Speaker
Super spoopy. I'll give you those. Cozy? Cozy? I can't believe I've been sitting with this one in my back pocket for so long and never even thought about telling you what the movie was about and suggesting it.
01:19:23
Speaker
It was really a perfect storm that led to you seeing a car fucking movie without you knowing you were seeing a car fucking movie. I genuinely think this car fucking movie needed more car fucking.
01:19:35
Speaker
I think she needed at least a couple more cars.
01:19:41
Speaker
May have not won the Palme d'Or then, so. I think it would have won two Palme d'Ors. You can have two. Palme d'Or? One for you, one for this Cadillac.
01:19:53
Speaker
Everybody gets one. So I will say i do recommend the movie. It is definitely a little out there. Maybe don't watch it with grandma or your mom or something. No.
01:20:03
Speaker
now It's fun. Not my mom. It's not It is definitely a trauma-heavy movie, but I think it's a little cozy. I do think it's... Hurry it!
01:20:14
Speaker
I just want the serial killer to find love with the roid rage man and then for them to have a found family. That's what makes Garrett feel cozy.
Episode Conclusion and Spooky Teasers
01:20:27
Speaker
Happy Halloween, everybody. Welcome to October. It's Kit's wedding month, and also it's spooky season, so we're probably going to try and hit you with a couple more spookies before ah the end of the month.
01:20:39
Speaker
I don't know what the next one's going to be, but I know we're at the end of this, and we've gone long, and Kit's been yawning 40 minutes. forty minutes I'm sorry. I have so much more to say about something else off topic.
01:20:54
Speaker
the And obviously no one's going to listen this far in. yeah I saw two terrible movies this week in theaters and they were so amazing and bad that I have not laughed this hard in a movie. I've been in a pretty good depression the past couple weeks.
01:21:17
Speaker
These movies revived me. Wow. Garrett, what are they? I'm going to spoil the shit out of both of them, folks. So they are The Strangers Chapter 2 by lenny Rennie Harlan.
01:21:30
Speaker
And then this movie called Dead of Winter starring Emma Thompson and Judy Greer.
01:21:39
Speaker
Kit, I'll start with that of those people. what What's going on? it All I knew about this movie is that it was Judy Greer in an out of type role where she is the villain.
01:21:53
Speaker
she's not getting divorced? I feel like Judy Greer is always getting divorced in movies. She's the best friend. She's the best friend or getting divorced or both. Hey, all that happens is Judy Greer is never the lead.
01:22:06
Speaker
It sucks. It's a crime. I go see every single movie they put Judy Greer in. I'm a Greer head. And this time I get to see her be a bad guy, kidnap Emma Thompson with her husband. I didn't watch a single trailer before I went.
01:22:19
Speaker
I was not prepared for Emma Thompson to have an insane Fargo accent. No. Hooray. Kit, I was in a theater filled with elderly people.
01:22:31
Speaker
Because elderly people love Emma Thompson. And this is a movie about an old woman having to survive in the woods as she's being terrorized by these people. Kit, just to give you a couple things.
01:22:44
Speaker
She's so fucking annoying in this movie. Emma Thompson or Judy? Emma Thompson. oh no. They all have the same accent, but Emma Thompson's character is so annoying to me. Too many details in every story she tells.
01:22:57
Speaker
I was laughing my ass off. She meets a man who's so Southern and mean that there's no way he's not the bad guy. And she's talking at him way too long.
01:23:08
Speaker
And therefore.
Emma Thompson and Comedic Mishaps
01:23:10
Speaker
He's the bad guy. She leaves. Judy Greer's there. It turns out they have somebody trapped in the basement. And as they're talking, comes up and he's like, oh yeah, by the way, this lady did stop by. she's like, what the fuck do you mean somebody stopped by? Who was she?
01:23:28
Speaker
His response is, i don't know, some dumb old bitch.
01:23:34
Speaker
was crying and in for two straight days I have laughed about calling Emma Thompson a dumb old bitch Emma Thompson dumb old bitch she's trying to save this lady she's so bad at it throughout the whole movie it is just like watching a Midwest mom putting the most traumatic thing that you could possibly be in and it just never working I'm not going to go through the whole movie like I want to, but she has to shoulder this door down to go save this girl.
01:24:02
Speaker
There's a flight of stairs on the other side. And like fucking Mr. Bean, the 70 year old woman just ass over tea kettles down these flight and a half of stairs. And I was just crying into my hands.
01:24:15
Speaker
Pretty sure you're not like supposed to laugh when an old lady breaks a hip. Yeah. Kit, this movie was shot so earnestly. It is not a black comedy.
01:24:27
Speaker
Oh, no.
Technical Glitches and CGI Humor
01:24:28
Speaker
It's so fucking funny. like this When this movie is inevitably on like Hulu or something next week, because you didn't know this was in theaters. I didn't. I just happened to see it on the list of movies playing and read the plot synopsis.
01:24:44
Speaker
Strangers 2, though. didn't see Strangers 1. the i n see strangers one Is that a problem? This is a remake. They made a remake trilogy all by Rennie Harlan.
01:24:56
Speaker
No one should ever give Rennie Harlan a guaranteed three movies. Look up Rennie Harlan's filmography if you don't know who he is, and you will see, oh, the yeah, you should never give this guy guaranteed three movies.
01:25:09
Speaker
The first one was shit. it was like pretty bad in a funny way where the characters seem like they actively wanted to die but the scary thing about the strangers are you don't know anything about the strangers so obviously in part two they have to give me ah more information on the backstory because what makes them scary i'm trying to look up runny harland yes He is Finnish, by the way.
01:25:33
Speaker
And in this movie, you get to see what a Finnish person thinks of the South, which is everybody talks so evil that there's no way you can tell who's the bad guy.
01:25:47
Speaker
Because no one doesn't seem evil. Occasionally has been my experience in the South, yes. oh But not like this. Not like this.
01:26:00
Speaker
and But what's great, big spoilers here, she escapes in very funny situations. As I'm watching the movie a couple minutes in, I notice the movie is a pretty small rectangle in the middle of a giant screen.
01:26:14
Speaker
So I go when I find an opportune moment to say, hey, somebody fucked up this projector. It doesn't fit the movie screen. I come back in. It's a long time. We get to this scene in the middle of the woods.
01:26:26
Speaker
The killers are people with knives. This camera is coming from a low angle as if some beast is stalking her. I'm thinking, oh my God, is Rennie Harlan going fantastical with this?
01:26:38
Speaker
Is there a ghoul? Is there a beast? Is there a child? Is there a... No? She hides in an abandoned car in the middle of the woods.
01:26:51
Speaker
And the trunk of the car starts rattling. As she looks back, the back seat explodes open to reveal a giant pig, a giant mean old pig.
01:27:04
Speaker
yeah It's CG. It sucks. And now suddenly she's fighting a pig. But when it got to the pig,
01:27:15
Speaker
Right at the reveal of the pig, the projectionist fixed the ratio. So not only did I get the pig, blew the pig up to proportions bigger than the fucking screen.
01:27:29
Speaker
And now it's too big. And like, I let out the biggest howl.
01:27:36
Speaker
ah and get What followed is a 10 minute pig battle scene that has nothing to fucking do with this movie. It's 90 minutes and they needed 10 minutes pig battle.
01:27:51
Speaker
The pig at one point stands on top of her as if to say, I have defeated you and I now own you. You're my property. You are the pig now.
Embracing Bad Movies and Spooky Plans
01:28:03
Speaker
I text our friend Austin Hanner about this movie for 90 straight minutes. It's as long as the movie.
01:28:14
Speaker
this I'm leaving out so much because I know we need to wrap this up. The Strangers Chapter 2 is the hardest I have laughed in a movie theater this year. It is the best bad movie I've watched in a theater.
01:28:26
Speaker
But the double feature of getting to watch that old woman fall down the stairs. Ha ha! And other funny shit that happens in both. That is a hilarious bad movie double feature of things that are out right now that you can enjoy probably on streaming next week because ain't nobody going.
01:28:46
Speaker
Garrett, thank you for single-handedly keeping the movie going experience alive. God. I live for movies like that. To get two in a week, it was like a higher power knew I needed something to raise my spirits and lift Here's little present for ya.
01:29:02
Speaker
Oh my god. i don't know what we're gonna watch next. We gotta find something spooky and maybe a little less cozy. Less cozy? Less cozy?
01:29:13
Speaker
Hey, this movie was too cozy for me. I need something a little less serious. Or more serious. Oh, boy. Shit, kid. I'm so sorry that I did this to you.
01:29:29
Speaker
As well, you fucking should be. You made me watch a lady give birth to a car. It's your wedding month. it's you got to You gotta be ready for anything when it comes to your wedding I don't know.
01:29:43
Speaker
It's like rain on your wedding day. It's like fucking a Cadillac in the... her Car Show Garage. the i don't remember the rest of the words of the song.
01:29:55
Speaker
Thanks, everybody, but coming out here today and fucking a car with us. Hey, meeting adjourned. Thanks for listening at eroticthrillerclub on Instagram. I'm eroticthrillerclub at gmail.com. Questions, comments, concerns.
01:30:10
Speaker
We love you. Get whatever the car man tells you to at the dealership to to to keep your bits unpregnant. Yeah, you don't want ah an unplanned car pregnancy.
01:30:22
Speaker
And for the love of God, wet your snails. We want to shake you naked and eat you alive. Vroom, vroom. Ha, ha, ha, ha.