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Healing ED Without Pills: Shawn Bonneteau's Journey to Wholeness
152 Plays1 year ago
In this vulnerable and transformative episode, host Ken Freire sits down with Shawn Bonneteau, a Christian coach and advocate for men’s healing, to discuss overcoming erectile dysfunction (ED) without medication.
Shawn shares his personal journey, from the shame-filled struggles rooted in childhood wounds and pornography addiction to finding freedom.
Together, they dive into the psychological and spiritual aspects of ED, the importance of open communication in marriage, and practical steps men can take to reclaim their confidence and intimacy.
Whether you’re battling shame or seeking hope, this episode offers a raw, faith-centered perspective on breaking free from the lies that hold us back.
Key Takeaways:
- The role of faith and vulnerability in healing ED without medical intervention.
- How unresolved wounds from the past can impact intimacy today.
- Shawn's innovative "sexual template" method for fostering trust and connection in marriage.
- Practical advice for men who feel trapped by shame or fear of failure.
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To learn or work with Shawn more use the following links:
Website: https://secrethabit.ca/
Book a call: https://secrethabit.ca/call
ED page: https://secrethabit.ca/erectiledysfunctioncoach/
ED mini course: https://secrethabit.thinkific.com/courses/erectiledysfunction
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Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/kenfreire
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/kenneth.freire
Tik Tok - https://www.tiktok.com/@kenfreire
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Transcript
Intro
Introduction to Sensitive Topic
00:00:30
Ken Freire
All right, everybody. Welcome back to another episode. And this is going to be a fire episode. It's going to be a sensitive topic, but it's going to be a fantastic episode. Today, I have with me Sean Bonato. He is a Christian coach who helps men overcome sexual addiction and erectile dysfunction, which is going to be the topic of today. It's
Sean's Journey to Czech Republic
00:00:52
Ken Freire
a sensitive topic because a lot of men don't like talking about it. And Sean, I'm sure you could attest to that.
00:00:58
Ken Freire
But before we go deep diving into the conversation, can you tell people something fun about yourself?
00:01:04
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes, I can. Well, something funny, maybe we'll start with real quick is for a season, it was known as like the erectile dysfunction guy, because no one was really talking about it.
00:01:07
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:01:13
Shawn Bonneteau
And it was a part of my story, started sharing about it and got all these podcasts opportunities. So that's going to be a funny thing. But a fun thing is I live in the Czech Republic. I'm Canadian, started in Vancouver, moved to Halifax, Nova Scotia.
00:01:27
Shawn Bonneteau
And then now I live in Czech. And that's a big part of my wife's check, but even further felt the calling to do ministry out here on top of what I do with Deep Clean.
Understanding Erectile Dysfunction
00:01:35
Shawn Bonneteau
And the running joke is that we're probably not going to go any further East.
00:01:36
Ken Freire
Okay.
00:01:39
Shawn Bonneteau
It's probably as far as we go, unless God has other plans.
00:01:43
Ken Freire
I love it, man. I love it. So you're doing a lot of great work both overseas and with men. And today the topic that we're going to talk about is what you said. You used to be the erectile dysfunction guy, right?
00:01:54
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:01:55
Ken Freire
Before we go into your story, can you share those people who might be listening? I don't want to ever assume people know what it is because some people may actually just be so shameful about it that they don't even know.
00:02:02
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:02:05
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:02:06
Ken Freire
But what is erectile dysfunction and how does it like come out, you know, for most men?
00:02:10
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's helpful to differentiate the two types. There's porn induce erectile dysfunction, also as PIDE. And then there's the more psychological erectile dysfunction. Sometimes it's called psychological impenence.
00:02:27
Shawn Bonneteau
So the the point and do side of it is a lot more tied to the chemical imbalances with dopamine and oxytocin the conditioning of what we what we do with masturbation, but they do both have kind of the same problem where it boils down to the either the inability to get an erection or the an inability to stay erect while having intercourse.
Personal Struggles with ED and Pornography
00:02:51
Shawn Bonneteau
And then there's also kind of the other areas of delayed ejaculation and premature ejaculation, which are tied to tied to ED as well. But that would be like what ED is and the two types of it just boils down to simply put it's hard to and an erection or it's hard to keep an erection.
00:03:07
Ken Freire
Okay, now when we talk about this, if you follow anything for men or comedy or crass things, right it's always about having a hard on. That's something that we men pride ourselves in.
00:03:19
Ken Freire
And there's a lot of shame for men having a rectile dysfunction.
00:03:21
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah Yeah Yeah, so much shame I'll kind of build that up to the kind of the crescendo of how I experience probably more shame than even what most guys experience because of the work that I do but Yeah, like
00:03:23
Ken Freire
Can you give us a little bit of your backstory of how did this start with you?
00:03:40
Shawn Bonneteau
First time I might have experienced late teens, um early twenties. I never really knew much about the realm of erection struggles. No one ever talked to me about them. I was watching pornography since I was 10 and masturbating to it. So, you know, with pornography,
00:03:57
Shawn Bonneteau
it's very rare that you would have erection problems because there's always a new video to watch is always something more grotesque or risky to see you can go into different realms that will never cause a problem for the connectors of your penis and your brain so you know until i started to actually explore the physical realm of my sexual addiction i didn't know any better so when i started to do that
00:04:01
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:04:19
Shawn Bonneteau
ah ah the first time i ever did actually have sexual intercourse um there was a bit of erectile dysfunction but i actually had delayed ejaculation where i couldn't ejaculate and as like a healthy 19 year old dude like fitness gurus athlete pretty shocking pretty pretty terrifying And that was really a wake up call. I wasn't a Christian at the time. Hadn't had an idea that, you know, God existed, but I thought he hated me. He was mad at me. He was just kind of this cruel iron fist guy. And it was just a bad dynamic that I had with him because of a lot of
00:04:51
Shawn Bonneteau
pain, trauma, lack of knowledge and understanding, but that first experience of anything around a problem with my penis was what most, you know, at least unchristian men would pride themselves on is that first time you have sex with somebody and it was so embarrassing and I was so
Impact of Shame and Pressure on ED
00:05:08
Shawn Bonneteau
ashamed. The story goes even deeper into some of the shame with like, at a party in my friend's bathroom just really all these ties of just a lot of shame and embarrassment around my first experience became quite traumatic as well which led to even more struggles with my erections but it became a problem probably more obvious you know not drunk not at a party you know all these other things but I had i girlfriend at the time uh
00:05:33
Shawn Bonneteau
I wouldn't say we were serious in the sense where I wanted to get married, but she was obviously talking about marriage. We were together long enough where that made sense. And there was just a a challenges with erectile dysfunction along the way. Some of it was because I had watched porn earlier that day or the day before and naturally I just wasn't ready to have sex or have intercourse or I just felt so much shame. other times it was just, I felt so much shame around myself And I felt pressure to perform and just didn't feel confident in the relationship. And you can just see how much of it is tied to different areas of.
00:06:05
Shawn Bonneteau
the anxiety we feel, the pressure we feel, the things that we've already done or haven't done, the shame. And that was a lot of my story. And as I unpack, like what is ED for me, it really boiled down to the fears I had deep within myself. And then also the shame around, I don't think
Seeking Help and Finding Support
00:06:22
Shawn Bonneteau
I'm good enough. I don't think I can perform. And there's this cultural norm of like what performance even looks like. And that's where there's so much pressure and so much shame for men, especially Christian or non-Christian. It's a really murky,
00:06:34
Shawn Bonneteau
murky water.
00:06:36
Ken Freire
Yeah. Man, Sean, first of all, thank you for sharing that. And I know you've shared your story a bit, but for someone who's listening to that, that might be the first time that they've been like, oh my gosh, there's someone who gets me, right?
00:06:45
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:06:47
Ken Freire
Like, that's exactly with what I struggle with.
00:06:47
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:06:50
Ken Freire
When it first started to happen, you know, what were kind of some of the emotions, and you mentioned the fear and the shame, but like, I could imagine myself being like,
00:06:57
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:07:00
Ken Freire
Oh crap, what the heck is going on?
00:07:01
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:07:03
Ken Freire
Just kind of walk us through your mindset and what was happening.
00:07:06
Shawn Bonneteau
yeah yeah The deeper reality of it was just this idea that I must be flawed, like something's wrong with me. like like Whatever I've done with the last 10 years of my life, it's ruined me. I am no good. And it really started to destroy me in the sense of,
00:07:24
Shawn Bonneteau
I'm flawed I'm helpless I'm hopeless I have no idea what to do I don't even know if I'm fixable and once you fall into those places of defeatism and victim it's really hard to do anything well that's when I started like binge eating you know I always tell me when I met my wife I was eating a tub of ice cream almost every night. Like I was just in a bad season in my early twenties, just feeling all the shame from the sexual struggles, very defeated and just riddled with anxiety.
00:07:56
Ken Freire
OK, so there's like emotion after emotion after emotion that just kept piling up.
00:08:01
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah.
00:08:02
Ken Freire
What was the breaking point where you were like, I need to tell someone or I need to go find help?
00:08:07
Shawn Bonneteau
Hmm. Yeah, it started with pornography. That was, I'll say around 22, 21, 22. I had told a couple of mentors in my life, some like trusted friends, but it was more of just opening up that I'm struggling. It wasn't them helping me. It wasn't me really doing much with it, but it was a stepping stone in the right
Overcoming Shame and Finding Grace
00:08:32
Shawn Bonneteau
direction. And it was probably about maybe I don't know, six months later, so I actually gave my life to the Lord got baptized. And that really opened up more doors to, you know, the Christian world and how they handle addictions and whatnot. And sure, I have some beef against how the church handles addictions, but it was a place where, wow, they're talking about Jesus being the answer, not my harder work. They're talking about getting together and and confessing and repenting and and supporting one another. So I actually started going to it a Monday night support group for addictions.
00:09:02
Shawn Bonneteau
That was a place where I remember the first night going there. I had no intention of telling anybody about my struggle. I think maybe three, four weeks later, I was able to open up and realize it felt so good to be in a room of guys and realize we're all here for each other. And that actually led to me telling my girlfriend at the time, Helena, about the reality of my struggle. When we first met, that didn't come out. It was probably a month and a half or two months after we met.
00:09:27
Shawn Bonneteau
And I wish I communicated with her more clearly of the severity of my struggle, but I did. I did tell her that I was struggling. I was going to a support group just that alone was a step in the right direction. Obviously looking back, I wish I would have went a little deeper, but I just didn't know how to. And sometimes we can beat ourselves up so much with, I should have done this and I should have done that. And I could play that game all day long, but I know I did do something and it was a step in the right direction, which slowly I became more vulnerable.
00:09:55
Shawn Bonneteau
I started meeting with another, a new mentor who understood addictions. and And that really was some of the catalyst to where I'm at today.
00:10:02
Ken Freire
Man, that's awesome, dude. The mentorship, the community, the vulnerability. All those are are huge pieces for everyone, trying to find freedom.
00:10:09
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:10:10
Ken Freire
But I want to hone in on something you said, and it was the condemnation you felt. And it seemed like there was a lot of that prior to getting saved, but even when you got saved.
00:10:15
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah.
00:10:18
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:10:21
Ken Freire
you're just like, I feel like I should be doing better or I should be healing faster or I should confess more.
00:10:26
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:10:30
Ken Freire
How did you overcome the condemnation?
00:10:33
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah. We call that, we call that shooting all over yourselves in the coaching world. It's no good. It's not a fun thing to do. Um, man, really, really honestly, that was something that I didn't even really figure out fully until two or three years ago. Like I was probably four and a half, five years free from porn and masturbation.
00:10:52
Shawn Bonneteau
overcome erectile dysfunction. And there were still parts of my spirit that were so
Healing through Communication and Support
00:10:58
Shawn Bonneteau
burdened by a sense of like, I need to work harder, I need to make more time for the Lord, I need to do this, I shouldn't do that. And yeah can certainly talk more about a bit of a longer answer and they'll probably tie into more of where we're going. But A lot of that was overcoming the lies, pinpointing the lies, dealing with like soul level stuff with some retreats I went on, starting to look at the mother wound and how I had a lot of fear around safety and the very essence of when you feel unsafe as a human.
00:11:27
Shawn Bonneteau
You're in a constant dysregulated state. I had never really thought of it that way. I always thought my main problem was with my dad. Sure. He he he contributed to my struggles, but I would probably actually say it was more 80% mom, 20% dad. And when I realized that.
00:11:41
Shawn Bonneteau
four or five years into being free from porn, I was like, what did I miss? Like, am I am just dumb? Like, actually a lot of those, was am I just flawed? Mindset came back and I had to really learn about God's timing and God's grace and that it doesn't matter if I miss something, God's going to do something now. And I really had to start learning how to retrain the way I see mistakes I might've made. Because growing up, when I made a mistake, my mom made sure I knew about it.
00:12:06
Shawn Bonneteau
God, God's so different in that way. And that's actually what helped me overcome things like erectile dysfunction and addiction in of itself.
00:12:14
Ken Freire
Okay, so you talked about your mother wound and how that has been a major contributor to, it was a coping mechanism. So pornography, all these things were a coping mechanism for a mother wound that you had and how she treated you, how you didn't feel unsafe.
00:12:23
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:12:31
Ken Freire
And then it built this cycle of sooner or later erectile dysfunction, right?
00:12:38
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah, naturally it was that idea of like, I am not safe to fail, not safe to tell people that I'm not okay. This mantra a lot of young people come up with, if if it's going to be, it's up to me. And I really built that belief system as a child that I can't rely on mom. I don't know if she's going to be nice mom today or crazy mom today. You know, I saw my dad watching porn. he after about when I was 10 years old, he became quite distant from me emotionally.
00:13:03
Shawn Bonneteau
And I just didn't know who I could go to when I had failures and struggles.
00:13:07
Ken Freire
Oh my God.
00:13:07
Shawn Bonneteau
So I learned to go to porn. I learned to masturbate. I learned to play drums and smash cymbals because I was so angry. You know, all these ah ways of coping that, sure, like they worked in the moment, but I wasn't learning how to actually be a healthier person.
00:13:20
Ken Freire
Yeah. that healthier person started to produce the erectile dysfunction. Ultimately, that was kind of the thing.
00:13:27
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:13:28
Ken Freire
And as you think about your life, when you started to get freedom, right?
00:13:33
Ken Freire
You started to get freedom from pornography, from masturbation. How did you start healing from erectile dysfunction? Because, you know, a lot of people would say, well, just go get some pills, go take care of yourself that way and you'll be fine.
00:13:41
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah.
00:13:48
Ken Freire
But you actually didn't do any pills.
00:13:50
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:13:51
Ken Freire
A lot of it was spiritual healing and psychological healing that you went through.
00:13:51
Shawn Bonneteau
Yep.
00:13:55
Shawn Bonneteau
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It was when I started to realize that my wife is a very safe person. But there's a part of me that doesn't believe she's a safe person. And I started to see this polarizing opposites of part of me knows that I can tell her anything that she's there for me when I fail. But there was
Mentorship and Open Communication
00:14:15
Shawn Bonneteau
a sliver inside of me that believed that she was going to treat me like my mom. And we started to have like I'd say once a week I was having issues with erectile dysfunction where we would start having sex and I wasn't able to continue. And I didn't know how to talk to my wife about it. I didn't know what to do about it. No one was talking about it. Hence being the ED guy. And I just felt so stupid. Like here I am, like called to coach guys with sexual struggles. I've quit pornography and masturbation. I've been told that once you do that, all this other stuff is taken care of. and
00:14:49
Shawn Bonneteau
Again, like what is wrong with me? How do I not know any better? And it was a place of a lot of shame. I questioned my calling often. I felt like Yeah, like Helena, we could try having sex. i I don't really know like how it's going to go. I just didn't have language for where to go with that because I didn't want to tell her the deeper internal turmoil I was having. could could have been about work. It could have been about a friendship. It could have been something that's coming up about my mom. And I just didn't feel like I could tell her that because there was that sliver inside of me that believed if I tell her what I'm thinking about,
00:15:25
Shawn Bonneteau
she's going to say that like, oh, you don't think I'm attractive enough. Or I can't believe like, you know, you do this stuff for your job. I can't believe you would do that. And was like, so wild to think that that part of me was so powerful. defining factor for me was actually I found two people to talk to specifically about ED. One of them was from Family Life Canada, my wife and I had a ah monthly marriage mentor,
00:15:48
Shawn Bonneteau
And the couple that ran that organization, I think they just actually gave up the full leadership. They retired, but it was a guy named Neil, Neil Josephson. He just, him and his wife just spoke such life into our marriage in ways that you just like, that's just.
00:16:03
Shawn Bonneteau
treasure. Like they were just phenomenal people. And then from there, I ended up working with a guy named Greg Oliver, who has been on the deep clean podcast, my podcast is a fantastic guy. He runs awaken ministries out of Alabama, Birmingham. And I think him and I only had two or three sessions, but he just spoke to the exact area that I was missing, because he also does the same work that I do. And I just, I needed somebody who got me. And he, God just brought him into my life at the perfect time. And he hit on a couple of things that no one had ever hit on before. no joke, like a month later, I was, I was free, completely free. I think I maybe had like one or two issues in the next year or so. And I've had almost, and I think maybe I've had one ED situation, which I wouldn't even call it an ED situation because I was able to talk about it. It was just the reality was it was just a very stressful situation that naturally would cause anybody turmoil, but it's been like four years. Like it's, it's incredible.
Creating Safe Spaces for Healing
00:16:56
Ken Freire
Dude, that's awesome, man. What were the things that he said to you that really changed and made it so pivotal, like it
00:17:04
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah, it was almost like God had Neil and on the same brainwave. Neil was talking about this concept of getting on the same page sexually and communicating. Obviously, that's a common thing people would say to somebody, but he said it in a way that stuck me differently.
00:17:22
Shawn Bonneteau
Kind of like this concept of like a sexual template, which is what I teach now. But he really ah ah promoted this idea as well as Greg. They both came together separately. And we're just talking about these stages of how to overcome really what is at the heart of ED and in in my scenario was fears, lies, and and unhealthy expectations. So one of the main steps that Holland and I did, we did them separately and they came together. And this is part of my teaching now is It's called what's in the way and both parties will go on their own for whatever half hour a couple of days and just write out all the fears about their sex life, all the lies about their sex life, all the expectations about their sex life and they'll bring it.
00:18:05
Shawn Bonneteau
together in a safe place where they've already prepared this place where this is a safe place where we're not going to defend anything we're not going to justify we're just going to share the reality of what's going on inside when I start thinking about having sex when I start thinking about you and I want like this is not about you that that that's what's so crazy about this problem this isn't about you this is actually just about something inside of me so Han and I both did that And there's obviously the famous quote, you know, you want to hear it from the horse's mouth. There was something so special about telling Helena, I don't think that you like me when I can't get an erection or when you don't orgasm, I believe you think less of me as a man. And for her to tell me word for word, not just like, oh, I don't think that Sean, but Sean, I i i love you. I love intimacy with you. I love sex with you regardless of what happens. I love you.
00:18:56
Shawn Bonneteau
and to have that come in and completely dilute and destroy the lie or the fear. It was so life changing because I just never had that in my life with women like my mom, my sisters, women growing up. i was always like betrayed and there was always unsafety around me. I was always lied to and and was that sliver inside of me and Alana just came and just destroyed whatever that sliver was with love.
00:19:24
Ken Freire
Man, it sounds like, one, your wife is amazing, right?
00:19:26
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes. Praise God, man.
00:19:28
Ken Freire
Oh, praise God. But it's a beautiful how wives do that, right? I had another guest that we had a similar conversation about how wives just, they know how to say certain things.
00:19:38
Ken Freire
They could either speak life or death, but when they speak life,
00:19:40
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:19:41
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
Fears of Rejection and Intimacy Challenges
00:19:41
Ken Freire
it's like we step up to another level of our transformation.
00:19:43
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah.
00:19:46
Ken Freire
And I love how you said this because the way I think about it, right, is that one, you had a safe space to communicate your fears, your lies, and just any expectations that you had.
00:19:57
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:19:58
Ken Freire
And then not only that, she didn't judge you for those. She didn't be like, oh yeah, actually that, you know, let's add more to it. There was no judgment.
00:20:04
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:20:06
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:20:06
Ken Freire
But then the key or the linchpin was that she spoke truth into those lies and those fears.
00:20:11
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes, exactly.
00:20:13
Ken Freire
Um, did you find that you guys had to do this process several times?
00:20:14
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah.
00:20:17
Ken Freire
Like for some people who might be struggling, is this like a continual thing? Is this a one-time thing? How does that typically work?
00:20:22
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah, that's a great question. And and that's going to be probably more situational. Like I was three years sober and free from porn. So like hon and I had had some really deep conversations like we were we trusted each other we had a good thing going, right? A lot of times when I'm working with people and doing this sexual template, it's usually like they're just quitting porn. There's not much trust. There's not much safety. So yes, I would say that these things are being reviewed often, maybe monthly. You have a date night over wine and you re, you rekindle that fire of that sexual template. But
00:20:58
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah, Holland and I would definitely go back to it and tweak it. Maybe once a year or something or when it just seemed like something was off. But we ended up taking that model and and putting it into different areas of our life as well. It's like, what are the lies and the fears and the way of us enjoying adventure together or whatever else. And it's just really cool that that same concept applies in all facets. But sex is the one area, obviously. like I just struggled so much.
00:21:22
Shawn Bonneteau
to talk about. So yeah, it it could be a monthly conversation. Not so much so that it feels like it it has to happen. I think it just needs to feel natural. And that's why I'm a big fan of the sexual template being it's between you and your wife and the Lord. And that's really like where we make the marriage bed healthy is when it's that three almost that triune element where it's husband, wife and the Lord. And as long as all three are honored and glorified and respected, man, it's so beautiful.
00:21:50
Ken Freire
love it, man. And I want to do a little deep dive on the sexual template here in a second.
00:21:55
Ken Freire
But there's something that you said that that sparked my mind is like, why do you feel like for men, it's so hard to talk about sex and sexual intimacy, right?
00:22:01
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:22:06
Ken Freire
It seems like we can talk about a lot of other things, but when it comes to sexual intimacy, there seems to be barriers there.
00:22:10
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:22:13
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah, absolutely.
00:22:14
Ken Freire
Can you speak into that a little bit?
00:22:16
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah, I think the main two would be the fear of rejection and the fear of failure. It just plagues all men where there's just such, uh, like we've all had fears are, so we've all had failures and rejection in our childhood.
00:22:20
Ken Freire
Okay.
00:22:29
Shawn Bonneteau
And and reality it is, is a lot of the things that we think we failed in and were rejected by weren't actually rejection or fear. We just didn't, or failure. We just didn't have anybody process those things with us. I was just talking to a client earlier today where he said he got rejected by asking a girl out the other day.
00:22:44
Shawn Bonneteau
I had to ask him like, did you get rejected or did you feel rejected? It's very different, right? Because somebody tells us, no, it's not a rejection, but we might feel rejected. And I think a lot of men have been, you know, buying into this concept in the world today where you have depression, you have, you know, an anxiety disorder, you have all these problems when ultimately, our feelings have began to control what's true. And we've separated, you know, what we feel is true from what is true, and we have to reclaim how to live in what is true.
Introducing the Sexual Template
00:23:18
Shawn Bonneteau
And the only way to do that is to actually like, reparent those child parts of us. So fear of failure, fear of rejection, by far are the reasons why talking about anything intimate is so scary.
00:23:29
Ken Freire
Hmm, that that's such a great insight, you know, and and was thinking about we will you just said the perception versus the reality, right?
00:23:36
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes, yes.
00:23:36
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:23:36
Ken Freire
and how much perception had hindered me a lot for for years in actually walking through fear of rejection and fear failure.
00:23:44
Shawn Bonneteau
Hmm.
00:23:45
Ken Freire
And if I'm honest, even today, right, whenever it comes to work or anything, i you know, I have another podcast that I do with my work and we talk a lot about, you know, goal achievement and all this fun stuff, but one of the things that
00:23:55
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:23:59
Ken Freire
that I talk about is just fear of failure is my number one thing that I hate.
00:24:01
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yep.
00:24:03
Ken Freire
I'm always striving because I call myself a recovering perfectionist.
00:24:07
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:24:07
Ken Freire
I'm always striving to try to be the best at everything that I do.
00:24:07
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:24:11
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:24:11
Ken Freire
And if I can't, there's all these little lies that come in.
00:24:15
Ken Freire
Like you'll never be good enough.
00:24:17
Ken Freire
You'll never get to the top.
00:24:17
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:24:18
Ken Freire
You'll never do the XYZ.
00:24:20
Shawn Bonneteau
Exactly.
00:24:20
Ken Freire
And I can see how that permeates intimacy as well.
00:24:23
Shawn Bonneteau
Absolutely, man. Yep. That's exactly what it is. And then build up all that pressure. And then you have this expectation that no one can hit, but you think you have to hit it and then there's just no way you're going to be able to get aroused.
00:24:32
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:24:35
Ken Freire
Yeah. And that's where you came in with the sexual template, right? So walk everybody through what is the sexual template and how do you use it?
00:24:39
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes.
00:24:44
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah, definitely. So I have a mini course that I created many years ago. It's very outdated in video quality, but the content is still good, which is awesome. But yeah, again, it was a mix of what Neil taught me, and what Greg taught me. I kind of just put it into a structure. Step one is like, what is our purpose in our sex life as a couple?
00:25:03
Shawn Bonneteau
lot of couples don't even really know what's their purpose together. Ultimately, we want to look biblically, but we also want to look at each other's own desires, each other's passions and desires to say it's to serve one another. What does that mean to us? like We work with guys, they create like mission statement. A lot of times you hear the ah ah cliche mission statement, I want to be a man of God and a man of integrity. and like, that's cool, but like do those words even mean to you?
00:25:25
Shawn Bonneteau
Like, so it's like, I want to serve my wife. I want to be a leader of the house. like That's cool. But like, anyone
Implementing the Sexual Template
00:25:31
Shawn Bonneteau
can say that. Like, what does that really mean? So step one is to find like, what's our purpose as a couple in our sex life with intimacy? Why do we care about it? Why does it matter to us? Why are we going to make time for it?
00:25:42
Shawn Bonneteau
Why are we going to push through discomfort to make it a priority? So that's step one. And then step two is the what's in the way. Definitely my favorite step, which is the uncomfortable step. But what's in the way? All the lies, all the fears, all the expectations.
00:25:58
Shawn Bonneteau
And the more the merrier, get them all out. Like we want to expose that stuff. Satan loves to pray on these ideas, these thoughts, these fears that stay within us. So we need to get them out, even if they don't get dealt with right away. Get them out. Get them somewhere. Such a beauty in that. Then the third step is what is true. What is factual? And that's where the wife would speak to the husband husband would speak to the wife of combating those lies with what is true, not just with the and just like, like, if my wife comes to me, I'm such a bad mom's like, telling her that she's not a bad mom. Sure, like that, that's okay to then lead into what she actually is. But a lot of times we
00:26:35
Shawn Bonneteau
actually don't know how to affirm people. We often say like, you're not that. And it's like, that's not an affirmation. You're not actually telling them what they are. So we need to learn how to do that in a really beautiful way. And I think what's one of the easiest concepts if for married guys, my wife would come to me and say, I just feel like a terrible mom today. I'm like, you're not a terrible mom, Helena. You are a beautiful mom, but I've seen do some incredible things, but you're also a flawed person. So like, tell me about some of the struggles today.
00:27:03
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:27:03
Shawn Bonneteau
And it's just these opportunities to have those conversations.
00:27:06
Ken Freire
You know, it's funny because I'm great at a lot of things. And, you know, if I get in front of you and these conversations, I could be so encouraging, so exhorting, and people are like, wow, Ken, you're amazing. But my wife, she... One of her love languages is ah words words of affirmation.
00:27:21
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:27:22
Ken Freire
And I feel like throughout the day, I like have nothing. you And I would say I fall into that trap. I'm like, no, you're not a bad mom.
00:27:28
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:27:29
Ken Freire
Or if I'm in a bad mood, sometimes I'd be like, eh, you could have done better today.
00:27:33
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah, absolutely.
00:27:35
Ken Freire
And that's shame on me. That's actually appropriate shame where I need to affirm for better. I need to actually be like, no, no, I love how you said it. It's not just a negative. You have to talk about the positive.
00:27:44
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah, absolutely, man.
00:27:45
Ken Freire
Right?
00:27:46
Shawn Bonneteau
Absolutely.
00:27:46
Ken Freire
And speaking truth. So for you, Sean, as you think about this sexual template, how do you help men who are like, just stuck, right?
00:27:54
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:27:57
Ken Freire
You know, those guys who are like, I'm listening to this and they're like, I need your help. I need what you have, but I'm just afraid to actually share my struggles.
00:28:02
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:28:07
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:28:08
Ken Freire
Right? Because I don't have a Helena, right?
00:28:10
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:28:10
Ken Freire
I don't have Bethany, which is my wife. I don't have those people who I could share this stuff with.
00:28:12
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:28:14
Ken Freire
I don't have individuals that I feel comfortable with and I've never felt what you have felt before.
00:28:15
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:28:21
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah.
00:28:22
Ken Freire
Where do I start?
00:28:23
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. 100%. Uh, just real quick, Ken, those are the three main steps of the other three steps of the sexual template.
00:28:28
Ken Freire
Okay, go for it.
00:28:29
Shawn Bonneteau
Totally fine. Um, it's, uh, defining what are your expectations for, uh, sex, like what, what you feel is healthy and what you feel is unhealthy. And then talking about those together to find out like what meets that like ideal requirement of honoring the marriage bed with the Lord.
00:28:45
Shawn Bonneteau
And then the next step is defining what you like, what you want, and what you need. Realizing that those are all different things. What you need might be intimacy. What you want might be this type of sexual encounter, but that might not be what your wife wants. And what she needs is also intimacy. So how do you get that need met through the correct wants? It's a beautiful conversation.
00:29:04
Shawn Bonneteau
And then ultimately the last step is just putting it all together and creating this sexual template to say, this is what sex looks like between Sean and Helena and whatever anyone else is telling us they like to do. It doesn't really matter because we've done this with the Lord and we can just rest in that.
00:29:18
Ken Freire
Yeah. Okay, so before we talk about the steps of helping people, I like those last three steps.
00:29:20
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:29:23
Ken Freire
This might sound like a silly question, but I'm just thinking as a guy, if I struggled with erectile dysfunction, would someone and has any of your clients ever come to you and been like, you know what, my mission statement is that I want to be able to ejaculate with my wife and like this is what I want and this is a need or like, do they ever have like duration of time where they're like, you know what, I wish I could last at least 20 minutes if they struggle with premature ejaculation or whatever those things.
00:29:50
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:29:51
Ken Freire
Is that kind of the stuff that you're like saying, hey, just get all that stuff out in the open. Do you have clients who come to you and you that stuff? I'm just curious how that plays out.
00:29:58
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah. I'm a big fan of getting everything out in the open and that creates the conversation of what feels helpful, what feels exciting, what meets the desires of both parties. So I'm always a big fan of more the better. Like I remember being at retreat a week once, I was called restoring the foundations and it was all about like the deep areas of the soul.
00:30:21
Shawn Bonneteau
And one of the days was on soul ties and I had to fill out this worksheet for breaking
Guidelines for Discussing ED with Partners
00:30:25
Shawn Bonneteau
soul ties. And I think I had almost 60 different things that I felt like my soul must be tied to because I, you know, had romantic relationships or these porn websites, or I can't seem to say no to these things as often as I'd like to. And the guy running the retreat was like, man, I think this is the most we've ever had someone write down. I was like,
00:30:44
Shawn Bonneteau
Everybody must be lying. Like, know, like I, I'm a, like I was three years, four, years yeah, four years sober and free from porn. Like if I'm writing 60 things down, like I'm imagining most guys have a lot more than that.
00:30:57
Ken Freire
Yeah. Oh man. Okay. So, you know, as you think about that, part of you was like, it sounds like you're more of a vulnerable and individual. You're in tune with your emotions as well, a little bit more.
00:31:08
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:31:08
Ken Freire
You recognize that you need that healing, right?
00:31:11
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:31:12
Ken Freire
So going back to that other question, how do you get other guys to get to that place where they're like, I need to take steps to heal?
00:31:14
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. First step for me is making sure that if they're uncomfortable, we can do some of those steps just between him and I, where he'll write down what's in the way. We'll talk through it. We'll kind of just lay some of that out and get him used to that language.
00:31:36
Shawn Bonneteau
There's two other modalities that are really beautiful. My favorite one is inner child healing where we'll go back to not just memories, but like the boy himself that felt fear, that felt unsafe, that felt rejected in the face of potentially being with other women. And we'll reparent that boy ah ah separating what feels true from what is true so that when he's speaking with his wife, he can show up as an adult rather than a little boy. And then there's another modality called empty chair therapy, which is just as great a concept where you kind of close your eyes, imagine like two chairs across from each other. And you can kind of practice having these sorts of conversations with that person you hope to talk to where, you know, empty chair therapy is amazing for forgiving people like practicing forgiveness or doing these sorts of conversations where you're like you're imagining telling your wife that
00:32:21
Shawn Bonneteau
You're afraid to start having sex because you might not get an erection. Like it's so amazing just to have that safe space in your mind. And you know, the, the imaginative part of the brain is where trauma is stored. So the more we can tap into that, I've just seen the Lord heal guys in ways that talk therapy just doesn't heal.
00:32:38
Ken Freire
Yeah. you know, one of the things about that particular scenario that you just talked about that I've done with people is, hey, imagine you're talking to the individual.
00:32:47
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes.
00:32:48
Ken Freire
Tell me what you think they're actually going to say to you.
00:32:50
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes, exactly.
00:32:50
Ken Freire
And it uncovers these lies, right?
00:32:53
Shawn Bonneteau
Yep.
00:32:54
Ken Freire
And sometimes they're true. Sometimes, you know, people are not perfect.
00:32:55
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:32:56
Ken Freire
They're not going to say, but at least now we are able to
00:32:58
Shawn Bonneteau
Yep.
00:32:59
Ken Freire
you know, preemptively prepare them if those things are true.
00:33:02
Shawn Bonneteau
100%.
00:33:03
Ken Freire
But then when the lies come, kind of like what Helena did with you, right, she's like, no, no, no, that right there is not true.
00:33:06
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes.
00:33:09
Shawn Bonneteau
Yep.
00:33:09
Ken Freire
Let me speak truth into it. And that's where I've seen a lot of the transformation happen.
00:33:13
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah.
00:33:15
Shawn Bonneteau
So cool, Ken. That's awesome, man. I'm a, I'm a huge fan of preparing guys when they're about to talk to somebody about forgiveness or these sorts of conversations. I also prepare them for the worst because that's usually where guys go and relapse, right?
00:33:28
Shawn Bonneteau
They expect the best and the worst happens and they didn't prepare for it.
00:33:28
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:33:32
Ken Freire
Yeah. And so as you help them prepare for it, what are some steps that you help them with in that preparation phase?
00:33:39
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. So that would be like the hardest conversation for guys to have is that what's in the way conversation, uh, just naturally because it's so vulnerable and it's a very easy place to get defensive. So it's usually, you know, a week or two in advance going, going to their wife and say, Hey hon, I really want to have this conversation. this might be where it's just the guy is going to do it for the first point and and present it and show his wife that he's working and healing and wanting to reconcile.
00:34:06
Shawn Bonneteau
So it might be, hey hon, I really want to have this special conversation. I've spent some time dealing with the things that go on in my head when we are intimate, when we're having sex that really caused me to struggle with erectile dysfunction and want to create a safe space where we can talk about those things, where I can present them to you, not as I want to tell you where you're doing anything wrong because this isn't actually about you.
00:34:28
Shawn Bonneteau
It's really about my internal challenges that I'm noticing tie back to my mother and women that I was cheated on or betrayed by. I just want to create a safe space where you can hear that and I'd love to just grab a bottle of wine, light some candles.
00:34:42
Shawn Bonneteau
I just want you to feel really safe. Like how do you feel about that? Do you want, can we talk about that? Just creating this conversation around what does that look like? How can it just be incredibly safe? Because that's going to be the name of the game.
00:34:52
Shawn Bonneteau
Even if you fumble, you don't get through it all.
00:34:53
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:34:55
Shawn Bonneteau
It's like, if it feels safe and it's a place where there's no defensiveness or justification, it's going to open up more of those conversations.
00:35:03
Ken Freire
Yeah. What happens if like the wife is like, let's not talk about it next week. Let's talk about it right now.
00:35:08
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:35:08
Ken Freire
We're like, I'm free right now.
00:35:08
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:35:09
Ken Freire
Like let's do it right now. What happens then?
00:35:12
Shawn Bonneteau
That, that happens. That's where like we want to have like the guy prepared. Like he's not going to go and present the idea to his wife if it's not ready.
00:35:19
Ken Freire
Yeah.
00:35:20
Shawn Bonneteau
So I would always want somebody to say something along the lines of, you know, I have it prepared, but it's, it's, it's, it's quite an emotional conversation for me. Like we could certainly have it right now.
00:35:32
Shawn Bonneteau
I want to honor what would make you feel safe as well. but I also have like the best interest in mind for our relationship and and really would love to do it over ah ah a glass of wine in a place where we've prepared ourselves emotionally, spiritually, we've prayed over it. That would be my hope and that's actually what I've been counseled by Sean to do, but I want to make sure you feel safe with that as well.
00:35:54
Ken Freire
Yeah. I love that. I love that tip of there's a couple of things
Setting Boundaries and Building Trust
00:35:57
Ken Freire
there. Number one, you kind of put your counselor or coach right there like, Hey, this is the advice he gave me.
00:36:03
Shawn Bonneteau
That's right. That's right.
00:36:03
Ken Freire
He's the expert. So let's follow his advice. But two, like you're also trying to take the leadership mantle a little bit.
00:36:09
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes.
00:36:09
Ken Freire
I was just like, Hey, do do how do we guide you well?
00:36:10
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes.
00:36:12
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:36:12
Ken Freire
And the preparation, right?
00:36:14
Ken Freire
Not like, I think one of the things I think about is no one likes to have a deep intense conversation. with both parties not prepared.
00:36:21
Shawn Bonneteau
Oh man.
00:36:22
Ken Freire
Here, at least you're saying, let's both get in it prayer, you're mentally ready for a hard conversation.
00:36:23
Shawn Bonneteau
Absolutely. Yeah.
00:36:29
Ken Freire
And really, I find for the spouse, when they're coming in trying to... You know, when the husband is trying to find healing, the spouse now is mentally more prepared to be able to give good feedback or good advice and truth versus kind of being caught off guard.
00:36:39
Shawn Bonneteau
Yep.
00:36:45
Shawn Bonneteau
It's so true. And and women, at at least for what I've seen, right? They want to like, yeah, like that's amazing. You're making progress. Like tell me about it. And guys, yeah, we're just not as in tune with our emotions that way. Like often see guys where when they try and have those conversations off the hip, it just feels like they go in rabbit trails and they go off off topic. They say things that we didn't plan for them to say. And it actually a lot of times makes things worse, not Not because of what they say necessarily, but because it feels so scattered. And women are looking for structure in that sense of their recovery. They're looking for something they can grab onto and trust. And sometimes when they see their husband scattered all over the place, kind of like a bit behind his breath, it doesn't build the most confidence.
00:37:30
Ken Freire
Yeah. And what's interesting is that I had a friend of mine who told me, and this wasn't related to ED or pornography, but he just had a conflict with someone. And he's like, I just decided to write it down.
00:37:42
Ken Freire
He's a great writer. He's a great communicator with words.
00:37:43
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:37:45
Ken Freire
He's like, I wrote it down and literally when we met, I just read it. And he's like, it was one of the most beneficial things I could have done
00:37:49
Shawn Bonneteau
Perfect.
00:37:52
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:37:53
Ken Freire
to get progress in this conversation and things went a whole lot better.
00:37:53
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:37:56
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:37:56
Ken Freire
So for guys listening, I think that if you feel like you stumble with your words, try writing it down.
00:37:57
Shawn Bonneteau
So good.
00:38:02
Shawn Bonneteau
Absolutely. Yeah.
00:38:02
Ken Freire
Go.
00:38:03
Shawn Bonneteau
It certainly doesn't come off disingenuine. And that's probably the lie is that if I script it, it'll sound robotic. It's like, no, it's you reading what you wrote. Like that's actually really beautiful. And then maybe the other thing I would say is that there's this concept where guys feel like if they don't just do what their wife's asking, uh, or if they're in the middle of a conflict, and they don't just like stay at it and fix it right in that moment.
00:38:28
Shawn Bonneteau
They're, they're almost doing. a disservice. But I think the best thing we could ever do is keep the best interest of the relationship in mind. So if you're in a conflict, it's a beautiful gift to tell your wife, hey, I'm in fight mode right now. And this isn't going in the direction that I want it to. I really want to reconcile with you, but I can't right now. I need 10 minutes to to decompress and come back to this. A lot of guys feel like that's just going to make their wife angry. It's like,
00:38:55
Shawn Bonneteau
you are doing the right thing. If she is angry about that, it's probably because you've never shown her that you can be trusted, but why don't you show her that now?
00:39:04
Ken Freire
Yeah.
Final Advice and Resources
00:39:05
Ken Freire
And all of this, you know, going back to erectile dysfunction is the building blocks that you're helping people because you're setting up proper boundaries, you're setting up proper safety so that you can have these conversations and the anxiety, the fear starts to go away and you could have proper expectations in the future.
00:39:10
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:39:19
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:39:21
Shawn Bonneteau
Exactly.
00:39:22
Ken Freire
Sean, as we wrap up here, what's one, you know, final takeaway that you could just give men who if they are struggling with this, they can truly find freedom?
00:39:31
Shawn Bonneteau
Mmm. Yeah. I like to give this visual. I don't know if this is going to be recorded or not, but I always love love give this visual of there is guy I'm working with. And then there's a problem. And most of the guys that I work with, they think that they are the problem. They have this like connection point, but I love to show them visually it's separated. Sure. Like there's a sin problem, but ultimately it's like, even if you think you're flawed and you are flawed, yeah, we are all flawed, but God has come in and redeemed you. There is a problem. And then there's you.
00:40:01
Shawn Bonneteau
We don't have to say you are the problem when we can separate those two things. It helps us talk about the problem with vulnerability. It helps us look at what the problem is with the lies and the fears and the expectations. And it just lays a beautiful groundwork for reclaiming what really intimacy is, is, is being fully known.
00:40:19
Ken Freire
I love that, you know, you're like helping disassociate the emotional entanglements by saying, hey, this is a problem.
00:40:25
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:40:28
Ken Freire
This is you.
00:40:29
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:40:29
Ken Freire
And men love solving problems. So then they kind of go and be like, oh, yeah, that's the problem.
00:40:32
Ken Freire
All right. Let's look at it objectively.
00:40:35
Ken Freire
I love that, man. Sean, as you... As we wrap up here, man, if people are listening to this, they're like, I love what Sean was talking about. I need what he's got. What's the best way to reach out to you or just even get advice?
00:40:45
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah, absolutely. Um, secrethabit.ca is my website that I've had for a long time. I work with deep clean now, but we kept that website as a place of free resources. So on there you'll see, uh, my blog, you can get my 90 day withdrawal guide.
00:41:01
Shawn Bonneteau
You can book a call with our team to learn how to work with me. You can look at some of the mini courses I've created. So there's a lot of awesome resources there on top of our podcast. So secrethabit.ca would definitely be the place to go. And that's where you're going to be able to get everything in terms of like wanting to contact me. I can give you my email can sean.bonito at saffiasam.com so you know not that not the easiest one for everyone to know how to spells but if somebody wanted to reach out and maybe get a little bit of con direction of where to go next could certainly help them with that as well yeah yes yes
00:41:34
Ken Freire
Yeah. I'll put it in the show notes so people have it. They'll be like, it's kind of like my last name. Everyone's like, how do you spell that? I'm like, I just, I try to make it simple. Just Ken. Here we go. Awesome. Well, Sean, thank you so much for all this and thank you for helping men because I, you know, one of the things I always like to share is that I believe men are the bedrock of society. When you have thriving men, you have thriving wives, you have thriving kids, you have a thriving society, like all that starts with if men are whole and healed. And I love that you're just helping in a place where there can be so much shame and so much secrecy. You're like, no, no, let's get this out in the open.
00:42:11
Ken Freire
And let's start to see what happens. And my favorite part is you're trying to do it it without drugs, right? Because there's a psychological and spiritual component to it.
00:42:16
Shawn Bonneteau
Yes, yes. Yeah.
00:42:19
Ken Freire
And if you could heal it that way, praise God, right? Then you don't need the extra drugs.
00:42:23
Shawn Bonneteau
Absolutely.
00:42:24
Ken Freire
You don't need the side effects. You've actually taken care of yourself, man.
00:42:25
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah.
00:42:27
Ken Freire
And I love that about what you're doing. And I'm praying that the Lord just keeps blessing your ministry and all the stuff you're doing in the Czech Republic and just with men. So thank you so much for everything you've done.
00:42:36
Shawn Bonneteau
Yeah. Yeah. Receive that Ken. It's a blessing to hear that. And I'm always humbled, uh, being able to see God use my story and my mantra for many years was let my failures be your success. So that's a mantra that I love to live by.
00:42:54
Ken Freire
I love it. I love it. Well, with that being said, we're going to wrap up our time here for you men. Kind of what he was just saying, right? Like, let his failures, let my failures be your success. And the thing that I want you to always keep thinking about as we wrap up this episode is men continue to kill shame, stand strong, and be on mission. Hope you guys have a great day and God bless.