Knock Knock (2015)

Transcript

Speaker: Ladies, gentlemen, folks beyond the binary, grab your husband, wife, partner, mistress, DJ equipment, your very impressive vinyl collection, and gather around the radio. It's time for this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club.

Speaker: is antithesis, mysterious dangerous, and oh yes, they've got all the sexiest movies out of the edges. So if you're fatally attracted to the raciest of erotic film club, basically instinctively craze the salacious erotic film club.

Speaker: If you want a racy movie and you're too classic for smart,

Speaker: Evan is a happily-ish married family man. His family leaves for a weekend trip so he can work on his important architect job. On a dark, stormy night, Evan is minding his business just listening to Kiss and being an architect when two soaking wet hotties show up at his doorstep in need of a phone.

Speaker: Evan, being the nice guy he is, offers them a towel, calls them an Uber, and threesomes them to completion. Can these ladies keep Evan's new Father's Day secret, or will they teach him there's no such thing as a free pizza?

Speaker: This week on the Erotic Thriller Club, knock knock. Hey everybody, welcome to this week's meeting of the Erotic Thriller Club. As always, Garrett Callender and Kit Ryan here.

Speaker: And this is where we answer the genre's three most important questions. Was I aroused? Was I thrilled? And would I ruin my life for this person? Garrett, I'm mad at you. Garrett, I'm mad at you about this one.

Speaker: I stand by hormones and that you have the worst air quality in the world for a little bit. It's true. was it like you its The scale tops out at like 250 and we were at like 700.

Speaker: Yeah. yeah Yes. A friend sent me it at 701 at one point. Yeah, not good. where i i mean, in my particular neighborhood, I don't think it got more than 500, which means

Speaker: that's fine. That didn't affect my judgment. I do believe it did because this movie is this movie is very... There's a lot of things to not like about it. The Eli Roth of it all. um I knew that Eli... i We skipped doing this a while ago.

Speaker: because I'll address the Eli Roth. like He's a big Israel guy and has said some pretty horrendous things that I don't love. But we could shit on his movie now. Yeah.

Speaker: Also, I love Keanu and Anna DeArmas. couple housekeeping things. Speaking of Anna DeArmas, I just realized I didn't know that Spotify had comments because I never check any of our things.

Speaker: I didn't know Spotify had comments either. Yeah. Somebody left us a comment a million years ago letting us know that Ana de Armas is Cuban. Oh. I don't remember what we said. i genuinely don't remember. It was in deep water.

Speaker: Well, um... Sorry about that. I'll remember that forever now that you comment. comment hair down And ah thank you for commenting and correcting us. ah She's this is apparently her first English language ah movie, though. And for that, Ms. Darmus, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm super sorry. Because um yikes.

Speaker: Real quick while we're on the topic of comments, I notice, like I don't even check the YouTube comments most of the time. um like as says I'm not looking at them. But I noticed that there's ah people on a couple. It seems like we've got some real dum-dums getting to some that are looking for the movie.

Speaker: and then click it and ah click a thing that's a podcast and then hear two people talking and are mad. And that's hilarious. Good for them. i so There's a big picture of our faces and not the movie.

Speaker: But, uh-huh. ah but No movie was played. No two people talking. and One person shouted clickbait. I want to see the movie.

Speaker: Those were three separate comments, by the Clickbait, huh? Am I allowed to like through the account, like call these people dumb dumbs? Cause I look, cause this is all for that Gutenberg movie.

Speaker: Really? Those people really wanted to see so the Gutenberg movie? Which I Googled, I Googled real quick and it's on Tubi, like these dumb shits and just find it. Like, you know what? It doesn't surprise me.

Speaker: That erotic thrillers would also throw some dummies at us. Yeah, it doesn't. um So hi to all the people who meant to be here. Sorry that we're two people talking. Sorry. It's basic podcast format. One day we'll just be AI and we won't even have to show up. Oh, no.

Speaker: yay Well, if that would mean I didn't have to watch this movie, Garrett, maybe, maybe I'd welcome our new robot overlords. It's so insane that this is one that has broken you. hated it. Because watched so much worse movies. Like, Party Line was worse. ah When the Bough Breaks was less fun to watch.

Speaker: Prompt was less fun. Angel Eyes was less fun. Prompt was short. I Know Who Killed Me was less fun. No, i Know Killed Who Killed Me was more fun. I'm breaking. I Know Who Killed Me was way more fun. And I will say that the Lindsay Lohan ah one was more fun. I had fun with her insanity.

Speaker: ah Let's get into it, because i want I guess we'll go back and forth of what we enjoyed and didn't enjoy enjoy this film. um I mean, it's funny, because this would have come out the same year or the year after John Wick. So we're, like, really...

Speaker: no Which also, it's crazy that Anadarmus went on to be the ballerina, so they were in a movie again together later. A much better movie. Not much. Like, i mean, ballerina, the end the end fight was incredible. Like, the movie was fun.

Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, let's talk about it. Keanu lives in California and there's soft piano music as we see. He's got cute family photos and an artsy house. It's actually a boring California house with a lot of art shoved inside it.

Speaker: A lot of art. lot of art lot More family photos than you've seen in anyone's house, which turns out to be a blessing for later in the movie for those of us that had fun watching this.

Speaker: Yeah, it does start to seem them a little bit try hard, like like they're clearly compensating for something by having so many family photos on the walls. I've never, I don't think my parents even have that many photos of our family.

Speaker: It's funny that what this movie made me think of because, you know, I feel like Keanu Reeves is one of those guys that's really, really hard to hate. just in yes like he's such just He's one of the most likable people we have in humanity. Plus he's Canadian. So he's he's it's an extra dose of likability on top of an already likable guy.

Speaker: I remember in the 90s, Garth Brooks had a music video and I don't remember if the guy in the music video was like abusing a woman. he was He was being very bad and Garth Brooks was like, I have to play this man because any other actor, people are gonna just hate him too much for the rest of his career and I'm the only one who's great enough to survive this.

Speaker: No, no, you needed Keanu Reeves.

Speaker: In the 90s, Keanu was too baby-faced to be like an alcoholic wife beater in the ninety s It's true. And honestly, even this version of Keanu is still... He's got such good hair.

Speaker: It's true. you and then this dumb bitch, like one of the first things his wife says is he needs to cut his hair. and I was like, kill this woman. She's not worthy of you. Why did you have children with her? Also, she can't act for shit. But like that aside, the the first thing you say to this man when he wakes up and is trying to fuck you is you need to cut your beautiful. Okay, Delilah, get the fuck away from him.

Speaker: Wait, did you and John hate this movie because you both wanted to fuck Keanu so bad you were jealous of every character they were interacting that he was interacting with? No, I hated it because absolutely everyone talked in the same flat-ass tone of voice the whole time, and it made me want to die.

Speaker: other than when Keanu switches his performance to a full-on Nick... like Nick Cage. Like, not full-on. I'd say a half-speed Nick Cage. Half-speed Nick Cage. This movie seems... Think of what Nick Cage would have done with this script. I know, I know. It's like the script was written for Nick Cage, and then they were like, oh, but we got Keanu Reeves. And it's like, did you ask Nick? And it's like, ah he's busy that weekend, but it's fine, it's fine. We got Nick... We don't need Nick Cage, we got Keanu. And it's like, no, you...

Speaker: no, you needed Nick Cage for this. But Keanu's acting is always so low anyway. so low energy. Him at 50% acting, that was his Nick Cage moment. Yes. And his Nick Cage moments are fun. Like, I was so delighted Keanu Nick Cage. won't deny that it was funny. It was amusing to see him attempt a Nick Cage.

Speaker: Scare bear? to let a cat out, sorry. Oh, you let the cat out of the bag? yes Um... No, yeah, I...

Speaker: I'm glad we're on the same page because I think it was impossible to see what he was doing and not think like Nick Cage would go so hard. So hard. gri Every single opportunity, starting in the very beginning when he's like being the fun dad with the kids by like, being like, why didn't you pick the, you didn't pack your chainsaw.

Speaker: I'm a monster. All of that. Nick Cage would have, eaten it and slobbered out all that scenery it would have been gorgeous but what we find out early on is that keanu reeves is just filled with jizz he is it like they would say in bluey when they have to go to the bathroom i'm bursting

Speaker: Yeah, apparently they haven't had sex in like a while. Three weeks. And I don't know why they haven't had sex in three weeks. I must have missed that. Kids. Kids. He's an architect. There's a lot going on. He also just had like a shoulder surgery because he helped a lady with her bag at baggage claim. And his wife was like, she was like 25. She didn't need your help. And he's like, whatever. I was being nice.

Speaker: And um somehow doing that, he hurt his shoulder so badly he needs surgery because he's 43. And that's just what being 43 means. He was almost 50 when they filmed this, which is crazy. His face is completely ageless.

Speaker: Keanu does not have a great beard in this. No. It's a little patchy on the side. It's crazy, though. He might be the only person that I just forgive that, where I'm like, yeah, he can have a beard if he wants it. He's so nice. Yeah, but, like, if his wife is going to nag him about something, why wouldn't she nag him to shave his beard, not cut his beautiful hair?

Speaker: the hair is, like, can't... i can't emphasize enough how beautiful his hair is it is the way it moves it is gorgeous yeah no that I mean that was in the script and they just didn't change it you have you can't that's just one of those things like I feel like we've had a couple other movies where it was a thing in the script and it's just like this is the wrong person to do this about yeah like you could do this about anyone else but this person Yes, it's like in ah Fatal Attraction where his wife is like way, way too pretty for any of this movie to make sense. Like, why would you ever? Or or in Baby Girl. Really? She's she really she's cheating on Antonio Benditas? Not happening. Maybe that's what it was. I think that maybe is the one I was thinking of.

Speaker: Yep. um But basically we set up that his wife and kids are going to leave for the weekend. Even though it's Father's Day. It's Father's Day. and there He's got an architect. He's got architect. Yeah, he's got a 3D printer. you know he's a serious architect. He also has a DJ sound mixing board. cause Before they told us that information. Uh-huh.

Speaker: is the can The family's already gone. Camera's panning through the house with Detroit Rock City by Kiss playing. And as the camera gets to his room, and I'm like waiting for it to be playing on vinyl, but I see it's being played through like electronic DJ equipment. Not like turntables, but like digital. And I'm just like, what the fuck is this doing in his office? I mean, I had seen this movie when it came out.

Speaker: Did not remember the DJ bit. Yeah, no, it turns out that Architect was his, get this, backup career, which is insane.

Speaker: You have to go to school for so long. It is such a competitive field. And he was like, God, I didn't make it as a DJ. That makes it feel more like George Costanza wrote the script. Yeah.

Speaker: ah feel yeah One of those boring careers that, you know, you get when you can't make your real dream job work is an archetype.

Speaker: The way he talks about DJing later in the movie made me laugh so fucking hard. Oh, when he said it's like mixing a drink? Well, not just that. That was funny. That was funny was great.

Speaker: There's a bit where the two, will we'll get here in a second, but like the the two women are there and they're talking about their flight attendants and they like, like I spent 24 hours in New Zealand last week. We went to Tokyo this time. Just talking about places. And he's like, and they're like, we kind of are rock stars without the music.

Speaker: with Just the traveling. And he's like, ah, I get it. I got booked on a tour once. It was of the tri-state area.

Speaker: I absolutely missed the tri-state area bit. Also, Garrett, what is the tri-state area when you live in California? That's what I was thinking do i'm Now I'm like trying to picture a map because I'm also an idiot.

Speaker: I'm one step away from commenting on our own posts that I don't like. We're in movie. We're in the movie.

Speaker: So dad's about to spark up and knock, knock. Who's at the door? two wet ladies. Obviously, Anna DeArmas, very attractive lady. Good God. She looks so cute out there, soaking wet and shivering in the cold. i would let her in, obviously.

Speaker: And the other one, so the two girls are ah Belle, which is Ana de Armas, and Genesis, which is Lorenza Izzo, which was Eli Roth's wife at the time.

Speaker: Eli just wanted to make softcore porn with his own wife? fuck He had made a movie with her before this called The Green Inferno that was like a cannibal movie that they shot with like an actual tribe.

Speaker: who tribe They shot it one of those tribes that like has never seen anything. You know what um you know what I mean? It seems deeply unethical. And i remember when they went to go ask them, the producer had to like take a boat or whatever to this tribe to describe to them what a movie was. And I remember the story being told of like, okay, that's cool. well What did you take him? Did you take like Wizard of Oz or something? goes, no, I showed them Cannibal Holocaust.

Speaker: That seems like the movie that's going to convince them two Murder you all. Murder you. Yeah. Yeah. Either way, his wife is very attractive. These are two very pretty ladies. I think they they picked two ladies that if they showed up to your door in the middle of the night.

Speaker: You'd let them You're going to let them in. What are you going to do? Like. what more what Okay, let's let's say John is in a remote place and these two ladies show you're they're You're literally in the middle of nowhere. No one else is around. youre as he's not He has to help them.

Speaker: You have to bring them in and dry them off. He's letting them Yeah. Offer him an Uber. It is funny, though, because Keanu does actively for quite a while try to push away their advances. And the scene, the way they shot it is really kind of fun. It's very funny. With the musical chairs. Yes, he keeps getting up out of his chair and moving to a different chair because he lives in a gigantic house with lots of chairs.

Speaker: And then they will come and, like, sit close to him. And then he will find some excuse to stand up and move to a different chair. over and over and over again and the uber is 45 minutes away so like gosh can we put our clothes in your dryer and i guess i'll give you some some extra robes to wear i'll That scene was shot really fun though, right? Like, I mean, if you hated the movie, that's still kind of a fun way for people to be constantly moving around in a scene where they could just be sitting the whole time. Yes. um The part that upset me was that Keanu Reeves is a married man and he put their bras in the dryer.

Speaker: What's wrong with you? You're ruining those bras. You can put some bras in the dryer. You have to put them in like ah the dryer bag. Did he put them in a bag? Oh, wait. Oh, sorry. I thought you said the washer. No, I'd never put a bra on the dryer.

Speaker: Yes. Thank you Sorry. i heard I heard washer. I was. No, the clothes are already wet, Garrett. Yeah, no, that was a dumb, dumb thing to do. That was dumb.

Speaker: Yeah. He just throws them in there, which tells me bad husband. tells me maybe a couple unmarried people wrote this movie. What? It was um Eli Roth and a couple Cuban guys, I believe.

Speaker: Or no, Chilean guys. The guys are from Chile. I would 100% believe that Eli Roth doesn't know proper bra care.

Speaker: i You know what? I'm not going to defend Eli Roth on anything. I'm not going to Roth anything. And this is coming from a former fan. Yeah.

Speaker: So he shows off his vinyl collection. They're like, wow, this must be worth so much money. And this man says, and yeah oh go yeah Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Speaker: I was going to say, he's like, yeah, everything's online now, but I love the sound of vinyl. the The more it went into the vinyl, I was just like, oh man.

Speaker: these ladies would have had, cause they're just like, you have such good taste in music. And I'm like, thanks. I, I have a pretty good vinyl collection myself. And I'm just like this, me, it me, I'm putting myself in this movie now. And I'm like two hot ladies come to the door, start complimenting my vinyl collection. Yep. And then trying threes of me. Like how long before, like I can only musical chairs for so long.

Speaker: I'm sorry, but like, here's the thing. I don't believe that this character is an actual music nerd because I have had music nerds put on songs and albums for me before. And they'll yammer on and on and on and on about all of these things that I should be hearing and that I, the influences. And that is not what Keanu does when he puts on a record.

Speaker: He says h that this this woman that he's putting on the album for started composing when she was 13. This is her third album. That's a Wikipedia entry.

Speaker: That is not music nerd shit. No, you're right. But I also, you're right. You're right. I do agree with that entirely. I think- I would rather have Natalie Portman tell me this song is going to change my life.

Speaker: Well, go let's go back to Nicolas Cage, a time that he was a vinyl nerd. The Rock. He was more nerding out about that one Beatles record that he paid $600 for on vinyl. than But I also think that Keanu isn't a music nerd. I think that he's a fucking DJ. And I think that most, like, I don't want, I won't shit on all DJs. Because I, like, one of the most impressive concerts I've ever seen in my life was DJ Cut Chemist.

Speaker: he He walked in with a stack of world records, like just world music. He sat them down and above his turntables, he had... um a camera and he his DJ equipment was on a screen behind him. And he just said, I picked up this stack of music today.

Speaker: I've never heard any of it. Let's see what happens. And he does looping. So he's like scratching and he's just like listening to music with one. and then he'll like cut it in and then like loop it. And then he's doing this. And by the end, he's made a whole song out of like 50 records that he just heard live in front of all of us. That's sick as hell. That's so impressive.

Speaker: I watched him another time. He blew me away so much I'd seen him a handful of times. I saw him do a set where he remixed cassette tapes. It was a very specific era of French punk. And he said, i don't think this has ever been done before, so it might not work.

Speaker: Just a wild thing to say in front of a crowd of people who've paid to see you. And he's doing it, but because it's with cassettes, like there's problems. So as he's like listening in one ear, he's like opening another cassette deck and rewinding the tape back into itself that's like unraveled. Does he do it with a pencil end like i used to? No.

Speaker: You just jam the eraser in there and start turning. So I don't want to shit on all DJs because I basically want to say, big fan of DJ Cut Chemist. That guy, what he's doing is art. He is doing something live. This to me seems like the kind of DJ that is DJing because it you can do it easily. Which is why he was only ah on a tour in the tri-state area, Garrett.

Speaker: 100% and I love that I have to bring this up and and shout out my friend a little bit but they're like oh you're a DJ you're like Major Lazer do you remember my friend Kyle Kyle directed a Major Lazer music video no shit that's rad as hell he He did, ah he, Kyle is really committed to doing bits. And one day just like, I'm going to get a million views on YouTube. And he made this really weird video of him with a butterfly knife doing a dance. But he like framed everything so specifically that it seems like he's just a weirdo on the internet, which he also is. But it almost has like a Napoleon Dynamite, but real vibe.

Speaker: to it and diplo saw it and messaged him and ended up having him do a major laser video in the style that he did that weird little youtube video that's cool as well kyle also once got abs as a joke that sounds like something kyle would do It was a real... He just like, boom! we're like, what the fuck? Because he has a perfect six-pack and he's not the kind of guy to do that. Sorry, let's move on. Back to Keanu's taste in music. So, yeah. um ah Do you think this this role would have worked better if it was someone less hot than Keanu Reeves? Because like he's so susceptible to their flattery and they're laying it on so egregiously thick that it feels like...

Speaker: Something should have triggered some alarm bells in his head at some point. At the very least, he should have assumed that these girls were going to fuck him and rob him. Yeah, it shouldn't be happening to somebody Yeah.

Speaker: Like, like it should be so I'm trying to think like what actor like it needs to be somebody that sucks more than Keanu Reeves. Like he's just he is too handsome and pure for this role. He needs you're right. He needed to dork out over records more. He needed to seem like he could be fooled. Yes, yes.

Speaker: Not a worldly, handsome man who's used to 20-something drenched ladies trying to fuck him. He is worldly. Tri-state area. Tri-state area.

Speaker: That's three. That's yeah three states. Yeah. So um the girls keep saying weird shit like humans are the only species that practice monogamy. So it's like not real. and it's like' I knew you were going to hate that. Don't you fucking insult swans and penguins?

Speaker: There are plenty of species that do monogamy that make for life. And then they're like, this one really got me. I had to write it down. Sex with boundaries isn't really sex.

Speaker: If our bodies are capable of doing it, then we're meant to. Mm-hmm. What does that mean?

Speaker: This is things girls say to you when you're Keanu Reeves in real life. Actually, that that might be true. And that's their way of saying, yes, Mr. Reeves, I will let you put it in my asshole.

Speaker: It's so, they are laying it on so so thick and it's really funny. At this point, it's almost like in Devil's Rejects when Cherry Moon Zombie is trying to seduce like the redneck band.

Speaker: And she's like, I bet all the girls want to fuck you. And he's like, oh my God, what? Say that again? like but Keanu Reeves is just blushing. And he's like, I've just never been around girls who talk about sex before. Well, yeah, that's the wildest thing that he's like, of just I'm not used to being around women who are so forward about sex. It's like i guess podcasts weren't huge yet then, right? It was 2015. Of course they were. Well, it was shot in 2014. How big were they then? Garrett, the iPhone was out.

Speaker: Podcasts are named for the iPod that they were on. I remember I was a... So if the iPod is already gone, then podcasts have already outlived it. Then yes, podcasts exist. So he was to this mean, i was listening to Smodcast forever. It was one of the first podcasts.

Speaker: But I don't think Keanu was tuning in. See, Kevin Smith would have been a better person. than Yes. No, he's a cool hip dude. He listens to podcasts on his cool headphones that he DJs with.

Speaker: Now you've got it in my head. I'm like, Kevin Smith would have maybe been a better fit Oh, absolutely. Just like a fat guy and they're like, we love your comic book collection. He's like, thanks, man. Wow, I have the first issue of X-Men.

Speaker: yeah um I do think, though, that that would have ruined then when they do have the sex scene because you'd have to watch Kevin Smith having sex with these two beautiful ladies instead of Keanu Reeves. And I'm not sure you want that.

Speaker: So I can see the conflict at the heart of ah of who you cast in this role. Well, he would have been in shirt on for sure. and the scene would have been so dark you wouldn't have been able to see what was going on.

Speaker: It really like it does take them quite a while to finally convince him. Yes. And the convincing really. It's so him go. The Uber gets there. he goes to the bathroom. And what's crazy is you can hear the shower running and he's like, I've got your clothes.

Speaker: Come on. It's here. all right, I'm closing my eyes and coming in That is the moment where it's like what the fuck are you doing? doing i mean, his first mistake was that he didn't tell them when it was five minutes away, which he should have done because then they would have had time to get their clothes on. You can't tell them when the Uber's here, oh let me go get your clothes out of the dryer and let's actually get you the fuck out of here. The guy's going to leave.

Speaker: So clearly he was already thinking like, oh, I don't want them to leave. I'm not going to tell them that there's five minutes. um But then, yeah, they basically have to start sucking his dick for him to actually want to have sex with them. They are both naked and soapy, both looking fantastic, beautiful, loved it. um But they have to both start sucking his dick before he is like, oh, I guess we're doing this.

Speaker: Yeah. And i think once again, it's like, there's not a lot you should give him credit for to his credit. He really tried, but he is also so backed up with cum right now. So much three weeks worth of cum backed up in there.

Speaker: And it's two in the morning. it's two in the morning and the Uber's here, but like, Oh my God, we're too busy being naked and Sophie together. go Yeah, what is he supposed to do?

Speaker: When you've filled with that much semen, your IQ starts to drop. It really does. he like You become idiot. you be he You become very caveman. He just needs to release the poison. Has he tried jerking it?

Speaker: Also, I don't know what excuse they have for not having sex. Like, in Fatal Attraction, you remember the apartment that Michael Douglas is living in in New York? It's tiny, and every surface is covered with kid shit.

Speaker: And you get the feeling like there is no getting away from this child to have any sex, ever. Meanwhile, these people live in a huge house with a gigantic backyard. The kids are old enough you can just say, go play outside, and they will.

Speaker: They're like, it is so much easier for them. And a spacious shower too. Spacious. The most spacious shower I've ever seen. Like there, there is no excuse for them to not be having sex.

Speaker: the it's it's true it's true mean i'm not telling you that the movie is great and there aren't a million like you know plot holes i'm saying this movie was fun and it entertained me throughout with funny dialogue sometimes on purpose sometimes not like there was enough things that were amusing the whole movie that i like i wasn't bored the movie's fast paced as hell like once you okay like From here on out, it's pretty nonstop. The sex scene, and there is only, well, there's like one and a half sex scenes.

Speaker: The sex scene is shot very funny. It's so funny. I wrote down campy, like someone dressed as Bella Lugosi should be in the background going. more ha well the The fact that like there's a thunderstorm happening. So we're cutting from thunder outside to tits, to hand squeezing blanket and ecstasy to tits on the glass, ass pushed up against the thing. It's shot. using funny So so intense, right? Like, so a horror movie-esque, like, campy horror movie.

Speaker: But also, once again, think of who the director is. It's shot from eli Roth, who loves campy horror movies. So I do think that lots of this... because of who he is. I know like he loves 80s, 18s, sex comedies. I think it needed to be campier then. think that that whole first like 45 minutes needed to be campier.

Speaker: Well, that's why I think there's that part where it almost feels like we have hit a dream sequence because later in the movie, she writes, this is not a dream on a mirror. And it does feel like we've gone from such this regular thing to as soon as he comes, we're in hell.

Speaker: yeah Like we're in a night. Basically what life is like for him after he comes is what happens if I eat dairy after 10 PM. I have nightmares all night.

Speaker: Jeez, Garrett, you really should have been the one that these girls are after. I would have been so good in this movie. no but what um I did start thinking, like, as the thunder's going, it does make it seem like something mystical happened. And I was like, you know what? I think we can chalk this whole thing up to, like, his family should forgive him. This was an act of God.

Speaker: This was witchcraft of some kind, clearly. this was a baseball game getting rained out. It's an act of God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So... um I did not understand. So was it actually Father's Day? Did this happen on the Sunday that is Father's Day and the kids are just like out of town for Monday too? Because they kept talking about like, oh, everyone's gone for the long weekend. I was like, what long weekend? It's Father's Day. That's not a long weekend. What are you fucking thoughts talking about? when is thats That's the summer though. I mean, like... ah

Speaker: Yeah, I don't know. It was Father's Day, though, because they brought in like the cake, and then they left later that morning. so like He came after Father's Day, though.

Speaker: He jizzed on Monday. He made it to the next day. It wasn't on Father's Day. but but yeah, when they wake up from the sex, like he wakes up quiet in a bed and is just like, oh my god, I regret everything. Now that the jizz is out, my brain is back to reality. Gotta put my wedding ring on. yeah And they are now nightmare people.

Speaker: Yeah, they're wrecking up the kitchen, watching Family Feud while they make pancakes. And this girl's... Farting. Drinking maple syrup like she's an elf.

Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. Well, she's got you know youth on her side, as we find out in a minute. Yes, of course. they he He gets a call from his wife and he takes it outside and they're like doing goofy fake sex acts in the window. Tits on the glass again. Tits on the glass, ass on the glass, ah pretending to suck off ah a banana dick.

Speaker: um And then he's like, you y'all need y'all need to leave. um They're all hopped up on Mountain Dew. And maple syrup. they had so They're on a sugar rush right now. What are they supposed to do? Not be insane?

Speaker: And he's like, I'm gonna need you to leave. I'm giving you three minutes to get your shit and get out. I'm gonna go wait outside, which is dumb, because he comes back in and they're drawing dicks on his wife's art.

Speaker: It's a nightmare. This movie is like the Aronofsky movie Mother, where it's like the anxiety of like people come to your house and just won't leave. But this is so much more specific and not fantastical. Yes.

Speaker: yes So he's like, I'm going to call the cops to throw you out. And they're like, but we're underage. We're actually only 15. And you're going to go to jail forever. and well's like The way she phrases is like, OK, call the cops. You'll end up on to catch a predator.

Speaker: And then like his eyes getting big and the realization of like, I just had sex with two child children. Obviously, he didn't. They're very obviously not children. They have tattoos, Garrett.

Speaker: you don't just They don't just let you get those when you're 15. Bad kids in my school had them. They gave them to themselves. I didn't consider that possibility.

Speaker: um And then after that, they really play fast and loose with calling him a pedophile. And I'm like, having sex with two grown ass women who tell you that they are working flight attendants does not make you a pedophile.

Speaker: What is it? Yeah. Cause he's like, but your flight attendant. They're like we made that up. And he's like, no. Um, so he's, he finally is, gets, you know, ah like upset because his massage therapist shows up. Oh my God. Colleen camp.

Speaker: Is that who plays the massage therapist? Um, Yeah, she was Noah Vanderhoff's wife in ah Wayne's World. but What's weird is the two movies we were narrowed down to this week. We had somebody write in on Spotify and ask about the movie Sliver, which we'll do next. Colleen Camp is in both of those films. is going to be And then she also produced this movie.

Speaker: So she's like, I'm here to do your rehab massage for your bad shoulder. Gosh, isn't your wife lovely? or Don't you have such a happy marriage? You and your beautiful family and your kids. God, I'm just so happy to be working for you as your massage therapist.

Speaker: And then what happens? Oh, she, Genesis pops out the door and just like, Hey daddy, or whatever she says, you know, she's calling him daddy all the time. Cause it's father's day and that's, you know.

Speaker: Okay. i so yes, they are calling him daddy a lot in this movie. And eventually Anna to Armas is going into like, what is either father or stepfather, sexual assault thing. Cause play role play.

Speaker: Is Genesis just like a regular bad vigilante bad guy and Belle Anadarmus is an actual like lunatic with a broken brain?

Speaker: Broken by years of abuse of abuse at the hands of a father figure? Yes, I do believe so. So she's like full broken toy. Yes, which is- she's lost it.

Speaker: Yes, which is a ah a topic that this movie is not equipped to handle- Oh Wrong. any way whatsoever.

Speaker: To be fair, to just- I'm not, not just the Eli Roth. This is a genre that doesn't handle mental illness. Well, or like or sexual abuse. Well, no, what Garrett? that No, like, so I can't say like, I would throw that as a knock. I'm like, none of these movies there. I won't say, I won't say none. I forgot to talk about that. We do eventually hear the titular or knock knock um at the at the beginning, but,

Speaker: No, I think like this is a campy genre that is a lot of the times offensive, handles everything offensive, which adds to the fun of everything. but But the specificness of what she is describing...

Speaker: feels bad so it does take away from the any sort of fun i was having with the anxiety yes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so yeah he he does finally get them out of the house drops them off somewhere and he cleans up and it seems like everything's back to normal till this he's it's that night and uh ah He gets whacked on the head with some art.

Speaker: They just come back. They just come back in. He doesn't lock the doors, I guess, which is weird because they know where he lives. um Also, he called 911 and said he'd like to report a break in um They would absolutely show up at his house. He called from a landline. They know where he called from. They would show up.

Speaker: Yeah. Maybe that's not the case in Chile where the writers were from. So he wakes up tied to the bed and Genesis is playing with, uh, his wife's makeup going for sort of, um, how that painters was like Gene Simmons from kiss eventually, but it didn't, we didn't get there.

Speaker: And, uh, Belle, Anadarmus comes in in a sexy schoolgirl outfit and he's like, those are my daughters. Take that off. Your daughter is nine years old. There is no way in hell. We saw his daughter. She does not wear that size.

Speaker: Those panties are grown ass women's panties. They're cute and pink with a little cartoon on them. They are women's panties. That skirt is your daughter wearing like a ah like on your daughter. That skirt would be a an ankle length skirt. But how upsetting, like regardless of if the logistics of the size, how upsetting and gross is it for her to take off his daughter's underwear and put them in his mouth? It's so like fucked. It's so fucked and depraved and it's just like,

Speaker: and She's got her hair in little pigtails and she's put fake freckles on her cheeks with makeup. It's upsetting. It's It's gross. it's I would say that is an effective moment where anyone, not if you think too long about it and get to like, they wouldn't fit her, then you get there. But like when you're not there yet and you're just literally taking what's happening at face value, I think anyone watching is going to have a vestral like, oh, God. yeah Yeah, she starts you telling him, like accusing him of of of sneaking into her room and doing bad stuff, slapping him around.

Speaker: It's rough. Like this is a, this is one of the hardest scenes to watch. And it does feel like kind of like how there was that bit in the 2010s when they were doing like the Hills Have Eyes remake, the Last House on the Left, where everything was so feel bad and gross. This specific scene felt like it was supposed to be in one of those movies. Yes.

Speaker: But there's so many over the top fun scenes that it doesn't always, i do think the scene works in getting a reaction out of me, but doesn't fit as a whole with the me to like have fun with the campiness of stuff that comes a little later. Yeah.

Speaker: um So they, they threatened to answer the FaceTime from his wife with them sucking his cock as he's tied to the bed. Yeah. Yeah. Them jerking him off so that his dick can answer the FaceTime. And he's like, i could be i said quit me. That was so funny, kid. I was like, I've never seen this in a movie. This is hilarious.

Speaker: This is so fucking funny. That's amazing. That's one of the best things we've seen. the criminal person due to anyone in any movie is like, I'm going to make your dick answer the phone. And he's like, it might be my kid. Don't stop jerking me off to make my dick answer the phone. It's not nice. Think how Nicholas Cage would have reacted to getting jerked off of not wanting his dick to answer the phone.

Speaker: That's so much better. It is. So much better. Also, he should have let them do it so that then he could be screaming, call the police, call the police, help, help for the love of God. And then maybe someone would have saved his ass. He just didn't want to maybe show his son his dick. Some part of him is is like still thinking he's going to get out of this okay.

Speaker: And so like if if he could just get them out of the house soon enough that he can clean everything up, everything's going to be okay. He could still fix this.

Speaker: Think of the camera angle of the penis, though, if you answered that FaceTime, and it's an up-close of an erect penis, but on either sides you could maybe see Keanu's panicked eyes.

Speaker: Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker: It'd be amazing. It's perfect. You could frame it just right. he you're right, though. He's like, i might be able to salvage this. No, he definitely thinks he can. And so um he's like, I'll do anything you want. I'll do anything you want. And they're like, all right, we're going to fuck you then. ah you gotta You got to fuck Anadarmus while she's dressed in your daughter's clothes and tell her she's a good little girl while she calls you daddy.

Speaker: And so they he he does that and they're filming it. And it's really funny to me that at one point Genesis is filming it and she's like, do it doggy style. But obviously they can't because he's tied to the bed and she is on top of him. So doggy style is not a possibility. That is true. So instead she just howls and barks like a dog.

Speaker: Okay, so I started to write down, wow, she's barking. But then the dog was actually barking and it was the same sound. So she was really barking? I think so.

Speaker: I don't know. Why else would you yell, do it doggy style? And then like did the dog hear it? And the dog in the like other part of the house? By the way, they have like this ancient... a frenchie named monkey who is the most useless dog we've ever seen in one of these movies like you you you watch this thinking this dog's gonna die for sure i've seen i know the conventions of the genre this dog is doomed but because the dog is just sleeping in the laundry room the entire fucking movie nothing bad happens to the dog y'all

Speaker: I do love the looming, like it was nice to have the looming threat of this dog might get squished. yeah But yeah, dog, don't worry, dog doesn't get squished. But a useless dog, barking sounds, and it makes me feel really sick. Because Keanu Reeves has such a specific energy to him, even when he has to yell. Like when he's playing with his kids, there's something that just is unsettling. But that's how he is in real life. It's true. It does feel like he's being sarcastic when he's playing with his children, even though you know he's not.

Speaker: um It just that is how his voice sounds. Yeah, there's like this really cute video because he did a comic book a few years ago called Berserker. And there's a him signing a comic book for a little kid. And he's talking to this kid and he talks to the kid in real life in this video. I've seen the same way he's talking to the kids in this. So you can tell that's just that is the energy that Keanu Reeves has. Yes.

Speaker: uh so so uh and or genesis is filming this and she puts the the iphone down you're daddy's little girl yeah yeah and uh at one point uh he does get free but he doesn't go for the phone garrett He doesn't go for the phone at all. Instead, he thinks he's gonna just go choke ah Genesis and get get like her out of there, like I guess. And she stabs him with a fork in his shoulder. His surgery scar?

Speaker: Yeah, yeah. Which I was laughing at for the rest of the movie because the blood on his shirt where that scar is does not look like blood. It looks like spaghetti sauce the whole time.

Speaker: I love that he's got pains so that any 40 year old watching is is like, yeah, i got a thing that hurts. Yeah, I get that. i get that. You're right. like It was funny, though. Like, she stabs that thing into him and just pokes it. And the way Keanu screams, we've never heard the sound out of Keanu Reeves before.

Speaker: No. that John Wick never reacts to violence. Yeah. No. That that is the sound that only a man who's in his 40s and knows real pain can express.

Speaker: like It's like ah it is a it gets high. it gets high. um So so he wakes up from from passing and out and he's tied to a chair and we're doing a little fake game show um during which they call him Mr. One Percenter, which tells me these girls weren't part of Occupy Wall Street. They do not know who the true one percent is. Architects aren't it.

Speaker: And this artist lady who has a gallery open, like she's got a show coming up. but I mean, it looks like they're doing well, but I'll tell you, Tri-State DJ. Yeah, this is not the 1%. This is maybe the top 20%.

Speaker: Comfortable. He's comfortable. He can afford to have the massage therapist come to his house, but she doesn't look like she's very good at her job. And it also seems like, yeah i mean, he doesn't live in LA. He lives an hour outside of LA in the desert somewhere. Yeah. ah Nice house. I would be happy to have that house.

Speaker: Oh, yeah. I'm sure. ah but So they've got him ah with like his DJ headphones on. Garrett, did we mention that while Ana de Armas, back in the beginning of the movie, when she's trying to seduce him, he puts on the record and she starts dancing very sexily to it. And we're all like, Holy shit this is great And then he starts He puts on his headphones And like puts on another record And starts like mixing the two together And it gives Exactly the same energy As the guy who pulls out the acoustic guitar At the party

Speaker: Yeah, it did. it did. And I think that was very funny, too, because the whole time, yes like her trying to gas him up like this is way more fun than the party we were going to go to. And like, I think that's some of the fun in it, too, is like this 40 year old guy who's kind of lame, like being like, hell, yeah, I still got it.

Speaker: Yeah, and she's like, whoa, how did you know those two songs would go together? and the answer was going to be, because this is my record collection, and I've done that that bit before. But no, he had to be like, it's like mixing a drink.

Speaker: You just you pick the ingredients, and then you figure out the blend. And I'm like, that is a line that you would absolutely use in at the club right in in a club to pick up a 20 year old right that like and shouted over the sound of a rave that line would probably work uh yeah in this context it does not and uh it's it i do wish someone ah less handsome than keanu reeves was saying it oh what about like jay barenthal

Speaker: Yes! That would be so believable. He would have been hilarious. Yeah, this is like his voice, like the hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon voice. i mean out of a guy and He's like skinny.

Speaker: here Oh man. Wait, did I say his name right? I did, right? Am I mixing up Jon Barenthal? Yes. Jay Beruchel?

Speaker: Baruchel. barise shell Sorry, I've had Jon Barenthal on my mind um because a lot punisher or whatever well people keep asking me if I want to see the Odyssey and my response continuously is one of my least favorite genres is men in sandals and I don't think anyone was meant to see Jon Barenthal's toes in 70 millimeter IMAX. Shows what you know.

Speaker: That actually might make me gag a little bit. I don't understand. Wait, do you, so you've gotten over your problem with horsey movies as far as I know.

Speaker: yeah They covered them dogs up though. In the horsey movies. they got yeah So, so you've decided that instead of horsey movies being your problem, men in sandals are your problem.

Speaker: So I don't know. I think it's just like a general disinterest to sword and sandal movies. What if it's actually a modern day movie, but they're like surfers on the beach? Then are they allowed to wear sandals?

Speaker: Well, I watched Keanu Reeves in Point Break. Yeah, Keanu Reeves can have the dogs out on the beach. Well, I'm talking about not Keanu Reeves. I'm talking about other dudes. just boys surfing like what's the what's the plot of the movie um it's okay well now that we're spitballing here i'm gonna say it's a heist movie um where they have to ride the big wave as it crashes into the bank and then they get in with the money and surf away with all the loot so it has to be meticulously planned

Speaker: I don't remember the plot of escape from LA. do remember something similar happening where snake plus can ask to surface. Yes, but it's through the LA sewer system.

Speaker: That's awesome. um Yeah, I want to watch your surfing bank heist movie. I want to see a wave go into the bank and how they knew that the wave was going to be timed perfectly with the bank. once Like, what is the... Yeah, I'm intrigued. When you put together your heist crew, you need one person who's like an oceanographer.

Speaker: There's a difference between movies of dudes wearing, like, suits of armor and no shoes than there is a surf heist movie. These are not the same. Yeah. Garrett, I feel like there are very few movies that couldn't be improved by either adding a bank heist or... giant wave? ah No, I was going to go with my other thing that I would always like is unexpected people having to solve a crime.

Speaker: I love that. Yeah. right Yeah. Yeah. know That's good. I like, yeah, I love that. When John was working on the playboy club for the first, like a couple weeks, I was like, so that's about playboy bunnies solving crimes. Right. And he was like, no, I don't know where you got that fucking idea. That's really dumb. And I was like, no, that would, that's a way better idea.

Speaker: that That show would have succeeded, Garrett. Playboy Bunnies solving crimes? 100%. In the 60s? Come on. Oh, my God. Put Anna DeArmas in that. Put these two girls in this movie. Thank you Everything is improved with either a heist or unexpected people solving crimes.

Speaker: I can't deny that. And now I also want to watch Nick Plissken surf in the sewer a little bit. You're welcome. But no, will see Odyssey because obviously love Rob Pattinson, but three hours watching Jon Barenthal's dogs just doesn't like, I don't want to go play for crowds for that. I doubt his dogs on screen for the whole time. Any amount of time of Jon Barenthal's dogs in IMAX 70 millimeter is too much Jon Barenthal's dogs.

Speaker: Anyway, so they've got him hooked up to his his headphones and his ah his sound mixing board. And they're like, we're going to do a game show where we ask you a question. If you get the answer wrong, we're going to do like horrible feedback noise directly into your ear.

Speaker: Oh, the game shows Who Wants to Be a Pedophile? Yes! Who or who wants to to kill a pedophile? Yeah, yeah, That's what... Timeless game. Very relatable to now. Very relatable. Yes. Oh, God. the Garrett, the waiting list for who's going to be on this game show.

Speaker: It's outrageous. It's zero, because there aren't any, apparently. Oh, there are none. Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. We can't run the show anymore. There are none. ah No, but he starts screaming, I'll go deaf, I'll go deaf, in the most not the bees. It's not the bees at 20%.

Speaker: twenty percent Which, once again, because Keanu's energy level's already so low, this is high-level nonsense in Keanu Reeves.

Speaker: And part of what makes the Not the Bees thing so funny, it's a multi-layered, amusing um you know experience. But part of what makes it so funny is, like, why does this man have to scream out what is happening to him? What is happening? It doesn't make any sense. Who is he telling? Who is he saying this to? You're making my ears hurt. Yes.

Speaker: That is the thing the fact that he is having to narrate to someone what is happening to him and why it's bad is absolutely hilarious. It's so funny. go deaf. I'll go deaf.

Speaker: It's too loud. My ears hurt. Nicolas Cage was just having to convince himself that the CGI bees were actually going to be added in. Yes. and i guess Anything else in this situation because I'm saying it.

Speaker: Yeah. Keanu was having to do the same thing with the sound. Like he wasn't obviously actually listening to it. So he had to ah narrate it to get himself in the, in the vibe.

Speaker: It's so funny. It's so funny. Like this, from here on out, we just get these moments where Nicolas Cage, his essence is seeping into Keanu. Yes, yes. And it, um...

Speaker: so So his wife's assistant shows up, Louis, and he's there to like pick up a statue that needs to get taken to an art gallery.

Speaker: And Louis... at first falls for them being like, we're his nieces and we're filming a music video here. Ha ha ha.

Speaker: And then he sees that the statue has been defaced with boobs and penises drawn on it. And he's like, what the fuck did you crazy bitches do? Actually, Keanu doesn't have nieces. What's going and they they steal his inhaler.

Speaker: so funny he's already had one shot of the inhaler yes when he saw the boobs on the paint on the yes and this character is both like supposed to be really worldly and cool he's like uh you bitches are terrible like i'm from oakland ho i know ghetto ass bitches when i see one yes he does yes But then also he's the dweebius little loser who has an asthma attack because he sees a statue defaced and and ah needs to to stand there and have a panic attack about it instead of being like, I'm going to call the cops.

Speaker: It's so funny. It's a very funny death. He has phone. Garrett, does he use it to call the police? No. having mean an asthma attack. He's dying.

Speaker: yeah he manages to get to Keanu, take the panties out of his mouth, and be like, bro, what's going on? And Keanu's like, they're dangerous!

Speaker: Lewis, be careful, they're crazy! He's like, no, they're breaking the art. No, they're breaking the art. Runs out to save his wife's whatever over sculpture. comes out instead of going to get, i don't know,

Speaker: the ah something to defend them with or a phone to call the police or just lock the door and of this room that they're in to like protect themselves from the girls. Yeah.

Speaker: Instead, he runs out because he hears them making like a loud crashing sound, and it turns out they're both taking a hammer to the art and laughing gleefully while he stands there panicking and then has an asthma attack and falls over and hits his head on the concrete and dies.

Speaker: Lewis, the thing isn't salvageable. no waste The house was wrecked. Y'all have insurance? Come on That may have not been insured because how do you even put a monetary value on it? That's kind of nonsense made up anyway with that.

Speaker: Okay. Lewis really cared though. He must have been her biggest man. Absolutely. ah hungry We had a hell of a commission coming his way. Yeah. Right. And then he done did a whoopsie doodle and wanged his noggin on the concrete. Yeah.

Speaker: It was a real dipsy doodle. yeah And so Keanu's over here being like, you killed him. And they're just laughing being like, he killed himself, dude. He's such a pussy. fell over and hurt his head on concrete. That seems like this is not safe. This is not safe to have around children.

Speaker: To be honest, he was being kind of a pussy. Then they do my favorite thing in this movie and possibly the only thing I actually enjoyed, which was paper mache-ing Lewis's body ah to to hide the evidence.

Speaker: Can't say I've seen that one before. and they're like, haha, it's just like art class. It's so good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then they did my least favorite thing, which is they sent like one fake text with um from from like one of their phones to the other being like, you you need to get out of town for fucking my wife. Like, ah, now no one will ah care about the fact that Lewis disappeared without a trace. We sent one text message and.

Speaker: And then they load it. Might have been a gay man. Cause he also said you're barking up the wrong tree. When they start trying to seduce him, they clearly did not think this one's through. Then they put the paper machete corpse in the back of Lewis's own van, right? Art van. And they hand wave this away with Ronnie is going to take care of it.

Speaker: Ronnie. Ronnie. He loves getting rid of dead bodies. Ronnie will take care of this. What the fuck are you dumb cunts talking about?

Speaker: Ronnie's probably another guy they blackmailed at some point that has to do their dark bidding. The fact that they... I mean, I know that we're... so It's never clear how stupid these girls are supposed to be.

Speaker: Because they play dumb, right? All the time. But then it's supposed to be that, like, no, they're actually, like, hardcore, cool vigilantes. Yeah. um who have meticulously planned everything out but there are so many holes in their plans and this is a big one because they leave Keanu alive at the end and he is a witness to the murder that you did and like you did they did they do the blackmail thing like the thing comes out like he's everybody knows he's bad by the end of this you're right he's alive and can just be like this is what they look like get him

Speaker: You're on film. girls are on film.

Speaker: They're also insane. Yeah. So. ah You're right. I do think that it does have issues with how smarter they are. That's why I was confused with like Anna DeArma seems like full on.

Speaker: Like needs to be in a mental institution. And it seemed like Genesis is masterminding something, but it goes back and forth between a little too crazy and a little too maybe competent and sane.

Speaker: Yeah. And so they they start ah screaming, ah he starts screaming like, I'm a good father. and they're like, no, you cheated on your your wife. And he's like, that has literally nothing to do with whether or not I'm a good father or or whether i deserve to die.

Speaker: That whole monologue from him is the best scene in the whole movie. They're seriously conflating whether he is a cheater or a pedophile because they know he's not actually a pedophile because, spoiler alert, at the end they admit that they are in fact adults. um And so the fact that they keep calling him a pedophile as if that's the reason he deserves to die feels like such bullshit.

Speaker: And it feels like you've sort of muddled your message here of like why this man deserves to die in your twisted vigilante minds. And ah he goes on this monologue about how like you showed up at my house.

Speaker: you started sucking You started sucking my dick after I tried to throw you out so many times. You fucked me! You fucked me!

Speaker: You sucked my cock! It was free pizza! Yes! It was free pizza! Yes, he he equates them showing up at his door and wanting to have sex with him as free pizza, meaning he was allowed to take it.

Speaker: Right. And this would have worked so much better if he hadn't basically been like raped into doing this by the fact that they started sucking his dick before he consented to any of this. Like if he had been shown to be a little bit skeevy.

Speaker: Right? This monologue where he calls them whores and cunts and says that having sex with them is like free pizza would have been absolutely devastating. Like a huge character change, right? If if he had had any of it set up ahead of time. Like if he was the one who said, i could put your clothes in the dryer. You know, little hints like that, that he actually is into it.

Speaker: that he yeah Even if he thought they were underage beforehand, but still did it. Yes. or Or if there had been two Ubers, one 10 minutes away, one 45 minutes away, and he had picked the 45 minute away one, right? Like little things like that to show that he is actually like ah just a wee.

Speaker: teeny tiny tiny bit scumbaggy in the way that most men can relate to but instead he was a perfect fucking angel right up until they're both soaked up wet naked and literally sucking his cock

Speaker: I mean i guess am I supposed to they because we did say it was weird that he went in the bathroom at all yes but there are now two strange women I guess showering in the house when he's called an Uber. So it makes sense to be like, what the fuck's going on in here? um Please come out.

Speaker: I guess ah I'm, we're supposed to think that he's bad because he didn't push them away as they started or hit them. I don't know. I don't know. Like, it's like somebody saw the movie hard candy, one of my favorite movies and was like, I could do that, but like sexier, not realizing that that is not the point of the movie.

Speaker: Yeah. tea No, yeah, no, no, no, I agree. I think- Or with like none of the nuance, none of the nuance or like subtleties and thinking about like relationships between men and women, you know, sexuality, like all of these multi-layered ah concepts that are in Hard Candy. Somebody was just like, yeah, but like what if they actually fucked? Hmm.

Speaker: See, and to me, part of the fun of this movie is that it's dumb hard candy. the Like, I think when you take a good movie and like, yeah, but what if it was dumb? That's still fun. And that's so many of the movies we watch is like, what if things were kind of dumb?

Speaker: What if instead of Jarhead, we watched Jarhead 3? Is that what you're telling me? Can we watch Jarhead 3? What?

Speaker: What are they even doing in those? I know those exist. Have you seen them? No, I just know they exist and that they quickly become less and less about um isn't wrong and boring and traumatizing, even though it's boring.

Speaker: And um instead are like, what if ah killing brown people is all you do in war and it's actually great? Yeah. Jarhead 3, The Siege, 90 Minutes, stars Scott Adkins.

Speaker: Who Keanu did fight in John Wick 4. There you go. Yeah, no, we got to watch these. Sorry to get off track there, but you really ah captured my imagination with like dumb Jarhead. That's fine. I bet those are fun.

Speaker: In their own special way. I bet they are. Do they still say like based off characters from Sam Mendes? Because the only character is the title. I don't know. just war movie now. I don't know. Well, it's based on like ah a biography like an autobiography. Like a real guy wrote it um about his actual experience of not ever firing his gun.

Speaker: At that point, it's almost an arthouse movie. So it's so weird they would make sequels to like an arthouse war movie that the people didn't like that thought they were the target market for it.

Speaker: Yeah, it's um I get the feeling they bought some generic war scripts and were like, somebody already owns the rights to Jarhead.

Speaker: Oh my god. Sorry. We can get back to dumb heart candy. Look, we're killing you at dawn, asshole. Now us two tiny women are going to dig a gigantic hole in your backyard um when they already have a van with a body in it.

Speaker: So that's dumb. Ron could get rid of it or whoever. Yeah, Ronnie could get rid of it. Why are you digging a big asshole in his backyard? um In like 20 minutes, they manage this. It's really impressive. It is the fastest, largest ah backyard ah murder hole I've ever seen.

Speaker: You can't deny their work ethic. That is manual labor that was done quick, effective, and a very square perfect rectangle. Yeah, it's like a yeah it deep. No, if you have any hole digging needs, these two beautiful women will dig that hole.

Speaker: They'll get it done quick. I love them.

Speaker: Dig a hole or punish your cheating ex. Ha ha ha ha. but God, they could they could get a pool ready in no time. Yeah. um it's Also, like he does manage to get to his iPad and be like, Siri, FaceTime Karen.

Speaker: Not Siri, call 911, I want to point out. um Then we find out the weirdest detail, which is that they were like spying on him.

Speaker: um It falls apart here, but yeah. It totally falls apart because they're like, hu we know all about you and your kids. And it's like, why? Why? Why? Why did you pick this guy then of all the guys? how? And how?

Speaker: Like we don't see that they saw security camera footage. They, we don't see that they were hiding in the bushes. We like it does. It, it, and there's less explained about this than Ron and the van. They think that, yes, absolutely. They think they're, ah once again, they think they're making hard candy, right? Where hard candy, the guy was chosen for a very specific reason.

Speaker: um Here, Keanu's just ah a failed DJ turned architect. Yeah. with a, an old small dog and yeah two kids and a wife who barely, um, can say a sentence, uh, without sort of like falling flat and stumbling on her face.

Speaker: um So here's the my next problem. is We have our next like fun and games little section. He has been given a deadline. You're dead at dawn. And now they just go about destroying his house and oh yeah all of this shit.

Speaker: And ah like they're psychologically torturing this man, right? That's that's the idea. By um pretending to be T-Rexes while they wreck up his son's room.

Speaker: They are little Godzilla. they They give him a bowl cut, which he's very upset about. Like, they literally upturn a bowl on his head and cut around.

Speaker: This pissed me off so bad. Because they didn't actually leave it as a bowl cut. They smoosh it back and it's normal. It looks normal after that. He should have 1000% had a bowl cut the rest of the fucking movie. 100%.

Speaker: So funny. It'd be way better if they had done that. Way better. So fucking funny if Keanu just had an Oliver Tree bowl cut the rest of the movie. Yes. But they were like, we can't make Keanu Reeves look stupid. And it's like, well, then why'd you have them do it?

Speaker: Why do this? A hundred percent. They teased me with that. And i'd already seen the movie, but didn't remember. i was like oh my God, does he have a fucking bowl cut? And I don't remember this.

Speaker: No. We'd see a million memes of that. No, of course we would. um This is the part that that annoys me, though. It's like, all of the stuff that they do at this point of, like, wrecking up his house, writing, your dad has AIDS on a picture of the sun Right? Like, all these great gems only work.

Speaker: Only work to psychologically torture a man. if He thinks there was a chance that he's going to live and his kids and wife are going come home and see this and he's going to have to deal with it. And he was hoping up until now he could get away with this somehow. That he could get them out of here and his wife and kids would never have to know. If he's already spending this whole time thinking, I'm going to die in two hours, he doesn't give a fuck if you wrecked up his wife's art by drawing dicks on all of it.

Speaker: Why would he care? he has something more important on his mind.

Speaker: Garrett, it's like if so if somebody was like, I'm going to kill you at dawn, but first I'm going to do tax fraud under your name so you'll be in trouble with the IRS. It's like, do give a shit? It does seem like he keeps thinking that he might get out of this.

Speaker: Yes. Like the whole movie, like even up till the end, until like the last like three seconds of the movie. he does seem like there might be hope for him. Yes. um It does seems like a failure of pacing and of understanding how to build to something.

Speaker: Right. um As shown also by the fact that everyone knows the best time to introduce a gun in your thriller movie is at minute 82. Yeah.

Speaker: Well, I thought instead of ah Chekhov's gun, we were going to get Chekhov's monkey, like, or whatever the dog's name was. Chekhov's dog, yeah. And that he was going to come back and be like, hey, not useless, saving the day. no. Saving Papa.

Speaker: We introduce a gun at minute 82, which makes the fact that Keanu never went for it so insulting. He had gun. He had gun. He had a had a gun. Like a piece of pottery? He barely. No, he had it in one his wife's ceramics.

Speaker: Yeah. In which case, when ah Lewis showed up, why didn't you say, bro, there's a gun in the orange ceramic pot?

Speaker: Why didn't you run and go get it instead of trying to choke a bitch? Why didn't you get it when you thought someone had broken into your house when, like, the first night, right? Like, after... He had a lot going on. His penis almost called his kids.

Speaker: His penis almost called his kids. It's so insulting. um Then they randomly decide like, we're going to play hide and seek and let you loose for 30 seconds. And he makes no good use of this time whatsoever. i did fit This felt like filler. This was the only moment that it was like, we're just filling time to get to 90 at this point. A hundred percent, which is why they introduced a gun at minute 82. Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah. Because I really do enjoy the end end. But it was just like, this was the only piece of the movie that like, Ungepachka. Like we hit just a little, little, like one too many things before we get to the thing. Yeah. um And then he's like and outside and screaming and they're like, no one's home. We tried every house. And I was like, wait, what?

Speaker: When? Did you wait? That wasn't a lie? When you said we tried every house and everyone else is out of town? Also, they're still out of town. This is the day everyone's supposed to come back.

Speaker: That was, yeah, like yeah, I mean, yes, you win. it very much like the plot holes just just keep crashing down. The plot holes are as big as the hole they dug perfectly rectangular in his backyard.

Speaker: It is, you know, it's been dumb hard candy for a long time, but now it's going dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Like we're getting like hit with it. Yeah. and and they bury him alive in the backyard up to his chin some reason. That roll that he does across the yard to the hole. I'll give you Nicolas Cage would have eaten that for dinner.

Speaker: Yes, because he's screaming the whole time as they are rolling him because he's like been um tied up um into a perfect mummy shape by, i don't know, electrical cable or something. something Yeah. and it's an above shot. So we're seeing it perfectly like as they just ah push him along the lawn and he rolls towards the whole screen.

Speaker: It was hilarious. It's so funny. And then getting him in standing him up and just burying him up to his chin. so that he is now just ahead in the backyard. Which looks hilarious and it would have been even better if he had a bowl cut.

Speaker: I- Taken out of the dirt. It like, but once again, there had to have been discussion of like, I can't live with that meme the rest of my life. They already memed me so bad when I was going through the hardest time of my life. Somebody photographed me actual really depressed on a park bench. Yeah, and then that has defined my life since then, and I really don't need me with a bowl cut to be the next thing.

Speaker: And yeah, I guess at this point, like if he had done John Wick, I don't know if it had actually even come out at that point when he made this, so he hadn't had like the Keanu's back in a big bad way moment yet.

Speaker: Yeah, and so... um the He starts finally like calling them cunts. And ah if this had been a better movie, that would have been really meaningful and said something about gender and ah power dynamics and something or other, but it's not.

Speaker: um And so that's when they pick up a big, I don't even know what this thing is, like a big concrete slab. It's like a tombstone almost. It does. It was on like a child's grave.

Speaker: um and they act like they're gonna smash his head in with it but fake out they're leaving him alive and they're laughing and they're like haha it was a game and it's like a game where you murdered lewis well lewis killed himself on accident he done did a whoopsie do He we did a whoopsie doodle and hit his head on the corner of a concrete slab. ah ding dd dang don But I like this, like just goofing. We're not going to kill you. We're uploading your sex video to Facebook. You really should sign out of your app so people can't just access them.

Speaker: yeah it's true um they they admit that they're of age they post the sex video to facebook uh they tell him that they do this all the time and it doesn't matter how much the guy loves his family they never say no to the two hot drenched girls that show up at their door and uh then they steal his dog that Which is funny because this and John Wick in the same year.

Speaker: Right. Like, here's the really funny part. It's 2015. That dog is absolutely chipped. And so, like... And knocking on death's door already. And knocking on death's door already. But, like, it's just yet another thing that will be a piece of physical evidence you have left behind that you did this. Yeah.

Speaker: ah the comments that are rolling in on the video are yeah unfriended not cool man friended not cool my kids saw this

Speaker: plus it's such an embarrassing sex video it' so and it's it's they prop it up right in front of him so that he has to look at it and the best most campy thing happens this was the part I was like okay movie that one made me genuinely laugh is when he somehow manages to get his arm out of the bindings and up through the dirt to try to get at the video to stop the video and he accidentally hits like and minute tips over it's so funny that's such a good ending

Speaker: Um, yeah. ah Where is my mind is playing. This movie does not deserve. Where is my mind? Thank you. It made me feel like the Pixies didn't read anything. and we're just like, yeah, whatever. Yeah, sure, sure. You know, I run a Keanu Reeves movie. Yeah, you can have it.

Speaker: um we get a tour of the house you can see all the pillow cushions everywhere it did make me laugh though because I'm like yeah they had already told him that they were going to kill him and they thought that stabbing his couch cushions was really going to traumatize him piss his wife off I'll tell you what they wrote art did not exist does not exist on her art Garrett that's what's going to upset her My daddy has AIDS now is the funniest thing that was written on.

Speaker: Every single surface has something written on it. Something destroyed. They had all night to do this. they they They put their time to good use. They are efficient.

Speaker: And there were like sloppy dicks written. Like they are like well rounded, like no squiggle lines. you know, these are beauty art does exist and it's what they did to this house. Yes, this is art.

Speaker: Yes, it's like when Ai Weiwei destroyed um that piece of ancient Chinese pottery and was like, this is art now, bitch, me breaking this. And I was like, that seems mean and not like art. But like, they destroyed this lady's art.

Speaker: That's art, baby. This is like piss Christ. Yeah. This is a piss Christ art, you know? No, Garrett. Piss Christ art is real art and you will never hear me say otherwise. That's genuine art.

Speaker: Yeah, I got some piss art in me. I could make a piss Look, Garrett, you could. But did you? No, you did not. And then we see that mom and the kids are home and the kids looking around. Little boy says, daddy had a party. it Funny. As they see like beheaded dolls, like hanging from the ceiling.

Speaker: It's yeah. Yeah. You know, i this is one of those times where I feel like the person who had the most fun making this movie by far was like the production designer and the set dressing people.

Speaker: Like they had a whale of a time with this movie. Oh, they got to party. They were having fun for sure. They got to have so many couch cushions, Garrett.

Speaker: But no, I don't hate this movie because it provided me with so many fun moments that overall, like I would say, i mean, I put so much time in between the first time I saw it and now that I only remembered the plot and then the final shot of just his head in the ground. but And Anna D'Armas' soapy boobs. like you have I honestly forgot it was Anna D'Armas.

Speaker: Wow! Wow! Because, mean, I wouldn't have known who she was in 2015. That's true. This was her first English language movie. But you had to remember the soapy tits just in general. I remembered thinking that Eli Roth's wife was was a very attractive lady and that this the movie was kind of hot.

Speaker: Garrett. but it was like Maybe if I had had some substances in me, this would have been more entertaining prospect. did. The Smoke from Canada. The Canada smoke is not as um hallucinogenic ah as I would have hoped.

Speaker: Yeah, but it does make you grumpy and makes it harder to enjoy stupidity. Yeah, it did. i did. i was not in the right headspace for this one. Maybe if it were more like when I watched The Wicker Man and I was in that frame of mind, maybe if I'd gone in knowing, like, this is going to be a Wicker Man-esque experience, but with Keanu Reeves, so everything's at, like, 6% energy until it rockets up to 20% cage, which is huge.

Speaker: Um... then maybe I would have appreciated it a little more. I'm just saying, I think there were circumstances surrounding that maybe you weren't as in ah silly of a mood as you needed to be. to Because I hadn't been allowed to leave my house in two days.

Speaker: You're back to the pandemic times. I had to wear an n ninety five mask. It was pandemic times all over again. was very nostalgic. In your house. basically yeah so that does sort of you know take a little of the shine off um garrett were you aroused scale of one five a little bit yeah like i would say the the shower scene the ladies the obviously these are two very attractive ladies and keanu reeves ain't nothing to sneeze at even though i don't think he's shirtless we talked about getting jerked up is he shirtless Yeah, in some of the horror movie-esque random shots, you definitely see his bare chest.

Speaker: Okay. Because they want you to also see the scar where his surgery was. Okay. um What number do I give this? I might be three and a half.

Speaker: Three, three and a half. I think that's fair. I mean, the boobs, the wet ladies, the... The jerk-off into a FaceTime. jerk off into a FaceTime. Is that what did it for you, Garrett? Honestly, now that we talk about it, i I don't know if I immediately remembered that scene as much last night when I was done watching it, but now that's the funniest thing in this whole movie. That was really, really funny. Like just, no, no, no, don't make my penis talk to my son. Don't do it.

Speaker: ah So where are you at? You about the same number? about yeah it's i'll put it at three i'm never gonna say no to anadarmus's boobies i'm just not they're lovely they're perfect

Speaker: as far as thrills yeah i do think i i do think the movie is very anxiety inducing like it's like i know this type of movie bothers a lot of people where it's like somebody stuck in a situation they just can't get out of and That doesn't bother me as much, but I do think there is an excitement to it of he just wants them to leave and they just won't. It's such a simple, like, they just won't leave.

Speaker: Yeah. And you find yourself being like, how can I make you leave if you won't leave? I honestly might even go for like, I don't think that the plot holes make it less exciting. It makes it dumber, but like pacing is, is jacked up.

Speaker: Um, and it's so fast paced at the end though. Like, it's just like so much of just like, they're bothering him with this. They're bothering him with this. He's screaming. Now he's running. Like, I don't love the gun bit, but it's just like, it takes all the thrills out of their wrecking up your son's room and giving you a bowl cut and stabbing your couch cushions. If you place it,

Speaker: After you're dying at dawn.

Speaker: That's pacing 101 people. m I'm still going to go. The man who did hostile and knew about the blowtorch thing would understand that.

Speaker: Just saying. I'm saying he hadn't had a hit in a little bit. Like Green Inferno wasn't a hit. This wasn't a hit. House with the Clock on the Walls. I don't remember if that was a hit. It was pretty good, but it's kid's movie. I didn't see it, so wouldn't know.

Speaker: Kid's movie with Jack Black and Cate Blanchett as wizards like throwing barbs at each other, just like hitting each other with like funny lines, if I remember correctly. You have a kid. You can show it to him, see if he likes it that'll be, he loves Jack Black, so I think that might be a good Halloween time movie. But no, I do i had fun with this movie. I don't know if maybe, don't know, four is probably a little high. I'm going to still stick it with four.

Speaker: I'll say ah three. I'll put it at three. Because I kept getting distracted by all the plot holes and just wishing they would kill Keanu Reeves already.

Speaker: When your air index quality or air quality index gets down to a 0 to 19 and you're in the good again, ah I'm going to tell you, you're going to think back more fondly on this movie.

Speaker: If you say so, dude. And are you ruining your life for Genesis and Belle when they show up soaking wet outside your house and start complimenting your vinyl collection, Garrett?

Speaker: I'm that dummy. um but I think that it, yeah. yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, because, you know, i play musical chairs for 45 minutes trying to get away from the advance, but then I'm filled with my seed and, um and then they just start doing that. What do you, how do you, how do what am supposed to do?

Speaker: And it does ruin your life. Like, this looked like the worst, like, three days or whatever. Oh, it looks very unpleasant. And then you know that even if and when, because these women are going to get caught and arrested for murder, like...

Speaker: it's going to be pretty clear that he was the victim of this, this whole thing. He's still buried up to his neck in the backyard. Obviously he didn't do this on purpose for fun. This is clearly not a wild party that he had gone wrong. This was a man being tortured.

Speaker: um but yeah, as a dumb 40 year old man with a vinyl collection, yeah child and a family. and um, Yeah, I'm the dum-dum in this movie. is It's going to absolutely ruin my life. But I also don't live in a remote place. So I could be like, hey, there's a gas station down the road. Maybe y'all go wait there.

Speaker: Yeah. Check with the neighbor he's single.

Speaker: And more your age. Yeah. i I'm trying to think like I would have called them an Uber, but maybe it's just like my woman's instinct not to let strangers into my home when I'm there alone.

Speaker: what then arm coming in your house i was going to say, but like these aren't two big, scary men. These are these are hot ladies. Yeah. Ron's hiding in the van outside that actually dropped them off. thanks ronnie i guess um that really i was ron did i make up ron or is that what you said no they mentioned that they're gonna bring the body to ronnie and ron ronnie will take care of it because ronnie loves doing that and lot ronnie loves paper mache so he's gonna be really impressed i guess with all of their beautiful work um

Speaker: I just feel like these are two of the most like enticing people that we've had an erotic thriller in a moment in a minute where it's like, yeah, they seem like the, it would they be easier for them to seduce than most. Yes. And they really don't take no for an answer.

Speaker: It is forceful. It's, it's very, it's very much like. They're on a mission. They're on a mission. You're not going to stop them. Yeah. We're probably ruining our lives.

Speaker: So would they have been happy if he hit them and been like, no, get the fuck out? Would they have been like, we found a good man. Like, what would the... Or would they been like, you hit us, now we kill you?

Speaker: I don't know. I don't know that anything would make them give up because they're so crazy and attached to their idea that, like, all men are scumbags who will cheat on their wives if two hot ladies show up at their front door. That I think that, like...

Speaker: Even if what actually what I would have loved to see is he reaches down as they're both down there sucking his cock, grabs them both by the ear, like an old timey teacher, right?

Speaker: And yoinks them up and then takes them out the front door, depositing them completely naked, holding their clothes on the doorstep for the Uber driver to take away. Then they seduce the Uber driver. They still get their jollies for the night.

Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're crazy. They're going to like, yes, is there, there is trauma that is absolutely horrendous that happened to at least one of them. It makes everything a lot less fun.

Speaker: um But that's life. That's life. And like, ah I don't know. They, they, they don't have the most cohesive philosophy ah behind what they're doing. um But there, you can't deny their commitment.

Speaker: They dug that hole. They trashed every single square inch of that house. i I actually wish we had filled more of the 90 with the hole digging.

Speaker: Right? Because there's no way. That hole would have taken the entire night to They so sweaty. They would have been so sweaty, so dirty, so miserable. They wouldn't have had any arm strength left to stab couch cushions. These are very small women.

Speaker: Yes, they're tiny.

Speaker: i gar i had I had fun with this one. I'm glad you did because i did not. I was glad when it was over. We'll be back ah next time with Sliver. MV on Spotify asked if we would be doing that one or Basic Instinct. I don't know when we're going to do Basic Instinct. We did it so early on and then didn't release it from like technical issues. And it just felt weird to like have to try and re-record conversation. You got to wait until I've forgotten everything that we said. For a couple years. Yeah, give it a little while.

Speaker: we'll get there but sliver we haven't done and it's been on the list so I think we we will hit up that one next but apparently if you want to hit us up feel free to leave ah comments on YouTube letting us know that you're mad that we aren't the Steve Guttenberg movie i actually really love that am I allowed to call that person a dipshit and be like hey I googled it it's on Tubi dipshit am I allowed to respond in the comments and say go look on Tubi here's a link to Tubi dipshit it's free You're welcome, dipshit. You're welcome.

Speaker: it Yeah. Please leave hilarious comments about that. um I guess that probably helps in some way, even if it's Engagement, it's gotta, right? And yeah, we'll we'll I guess we talk on Spotify. I'm sorry. i don't remember your name. that that Let me know that Ana de Armas is Cuban. I'll remember that forever now. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Speaker: I don't remember what we said in that episode. Apologies for not looking that up beforehand, but Hey, rate, review, subscribe, add erotic thriller club on Instagram, erotic thriller club at gmail.com questions, comments, concerns, tell your friends. We're always looking for more friends to join the club. Tell your enemies, tell ah the two ladies that show up soaking wet at your front door tonight.

Speaker: Send them our way. we're willing to ruin our lives let us know if you are all right everybody thank you so much wet your snails enjoy your free pizza it was free pizza it was free pizza yeah now i really want you