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Good vs. Bad Counselors: How To Identify & Find The Right Help
96 Plays1 year ago
In this episode we will do a deep dive into the:
1. 5 character traits you need to look for in a counselor
2. What types of questions you should ask when looking for a counselor
3. The organizations that you can look for a good counselor.
Organizations You Can Check Out (in alphabetical order) :
Association of Biblical Counselors (ABC)
Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC)
Biblical Counseling Coalition (BCC)
Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation (CCEF)
If you have any questions or would like to suggest a topic please reach out at:
Recommended
Transcript
Intro
Introduction: Good vs Bad Counselors
00:00:30
Speaker
Greetings and welcome to another episode of The Shameless Podcast, where our mission is to help you kill shame, stand strong, and be on mission. I'm your host Ken Freire and today we're diving into one of the most important questions for anyone seeking healing and growth.
00:00:50
Speaker
And that's this, how do you know if a counselor is actually good for you?
Choosing the Right Counselor
00:00:56
Speaker
Today, we're breaking down the difference between a bad counselor and a good counselor, side by side. And if you're thinking about finding a counselor for the sins that either you've committed or the sins that have been committed upon you, this will help you make an informed choice. So you can avoid the harm and find real lasting growth through biblical guidance.
00:01:19
Speaker
And I'm going to start with a story about my counseling experience. Now, if you haven't heard of my personal experience and how I came to Christ and all the struggles that I face, I'd encourage you to check out the episode, Feeling Abandoned by God. That's where I go through my story of abuse and I allude to the counseling that I experienced, but today I'm going to dive deeper into it.
00:01:43
Speaker
Now, if you listen to that story, part of my story is that I wanted to end my life. And a big reason was because I went to a counselor and this was the first time I ever had gone to a counselor. And in fact, this was the first time I had ever shared all my sin that I've committed and all the sin that was committed on me to anyone.
00:02:06
Speaker
And I thought that if I went to a counselor, because at that time people told me counselors are to be trusted. They are the ones who are, have all the wisdom. They can guide you. They can walk you through it. And I was like, surely this counselor can help me. And I went to this counselor because they were part of my church and I thought, well, they must a Christian. So that must be good too. Right? Like I started to think through all of the reasons that it might be beneficial for me to go see this counselor.
00:02:36
Speaker
The problem happened is that when I went to the counselor, there's a lot of dynamics, right? First, I didn't know the counselor really well. I was young. I was 16 at the time. I didn't know, you know, how to communicate with the counselor. I didn't know how to communicate my feelings and all the things that were going on in my own heart and mind. But I remember,
00:02:59
Speaker
Being in such a dark place thinking that if I don't share what's going on in my heart and in my mind, I'm going to end my life. Now, I don't know if you've ever been in this situation where you feel like you want to confess sin or confess things that have happened to you before and you are so scared. You got like the butterflies, you're super nervous. It's so hard to look someone in the eye because of how worried you are. This is exactly how I felt.
00:03:35
Speaker
Now, if you've ever been to a counseling meeting, the counselor is going to try to warm you up, right? He started asking me questions, like the real softball things like, how are you doing? What's going on today, right? Like, what's your favorite sport? Just trying to get me to open up. And I remember thinking, okay, I feel relaxed. And finally we started digging deep and he asked me like, what brought me here today?
00:03:59
Speaker
and I could barely look him in the eye. I was so ashamed of everything. And have you ever been in those moments where you feel so shameful, you just feel completely naked, completely vulnerable? That's how I felt. I couldn't look up to him. I couldn't stare him in the eye. I couldn't do anything. I just kind of looked down at my feet the whole time while I was sitting there. And finally, I mustered up the courage to share.
00:04:27
Speaker
all my thoughts and just see how he could help me. And I remember when I was done just feeling completely vulnerable and I didn't know how to act. I didn't know how to feel, but I did muster up the courage to to finally look up at him. And I remember if as if it was yesterday,
00:04:51
Speaker
the things that he said to me. He said, Ken, you know, I'm listening to your story. And first of all, that sounds like you've been through a lot. Um, but I want to give you some like a lens to look at your life. And I was like, yes, this is the first time I felt like someone could give me wisdom to what was going on through all these eternal struggles that I've been facing. And I thought surely someone's finally going to give me an answer.
00:05:22
Speaker
And I remember him telling me that, you know, all these experiences that I encountered of abuse primarily what were happening because some individuals were bored and you guys were experimenting and you guys were just trying to figure yourselves out as you are growing up in your childhood. And I remember thinking to myself, like bored.
00:05:45
Speaker
Like I remember being a child and me with my cousins putting ourselves in a box and taping up the box and pushing it down the stairs because we were bored. would do stuff like that when we were bored. We wouldn't abuse one another. And it was in that moment that I remember thinking, if this is the best that Christianity and God has to offer and this is the good counselors out there,
00:06:12
Speaker
I walked away and that's when I was going to end my life.
Journey to Healing
00:06:17
Speaker
Fast forward, again, you should go listen to that episode about how I feel like God by his providence and grace saved me through that. But I felt like the Lord gave me a second chance at life. And a few years later, I decided to move from New York City to Texas where God started to do an amazing work in my heart. And I moved to Texas to start working or start doing an internship there, a leadership and discipleship program.
00:06:45
Speaker
And it was amazing. I was growing so much in my relationship with God, and there were still a lot of things in my own heart that I'd never dealt with before. I had never dealt with the abuse. I had never dealt with the struggling of pornography. I had never dealt with any of my trauma throughout my life. I just kind of like held that in, right? I wasn't gonna share that with anyone because the last time I shared that with someone, it ended really badly.
00:07:13
Speaker
So I thought to myself, you know what, that's gonna go to my grave. Well, about eight months into my internship, I remember just praying and I sensed God was just asking me to start to open up and share the things that are in my heart and actually deal with my trauma, deal with my sin issues. And I was just like, okay, sure, let's go to prayer, let's go handle this by ourselves. And I remember God was like, no, no, no, no, no.
00:07:41
Speaker
want you to actually go see the counselor on campus that I was at the time and I thought to myself and I was praying and I was I was Way rougher around the edges back then but I was like God. Are you smoking crack? Like are you serious? Do you remember the last time I went to a counselor and what happened? That was horrific. I don't ever want to go through that experience again and I kid you not I felt like God just shut the door on me. And he was just like, you are not going to sense me. You are not going to hear from me. Like I, I did not feel closeness to him. Cause I felt like he was like, you're not going to see growth until you go see that counselor.
00:08:26
Speaker
So I thought to myself, fine, all frustrated and angry about this whole situation. I was like, I'll go see the counselor. Cause all I felt like i i I thought the Lord told me was go see the counselor, right? But he never said I actually had to talk to the counselor. So I ended up setting up a meeting with the counselor and the counselor was like, trying to like, you know, warm me up and use these little small talk questions. And he was like, how's your day going? And I'm like, oh,
00:08:52
Speaker
All these counselors were trained by the same book. There is no way I'm sharing anything with this guy. Right? And I just remember thinking to myself, you know what? I'm just going to be here for 45 minutes. I'm not going to say a word. I'm going to leave. And I would have fulfilled my promise to God. I went and saw the counselor. Done deal. I crushed it. Right? 45 minutes were up. And lo and behold, I walked out. I didn't say a word.
00:09:20
Speaker
And I said, God, I held on my bargain. And I just remember God was like, no, no, no, you know what you need to do. And I was like, God, there is no way I'm going to share anything with this guy. I've already told you it went bad the first time. Why should I go see another counselor? I know they're all going to be the same. I was generalizing, of course, but that's not true. But that's how I felt at the time.
00:09:46
Speaker
So then I went and saw him again. And again, I didn't say anything to him for 45 minutes, did not talk. This lasted about four sessions where I would go to him and I would just mean mug him. I will look him dead in the eye and I would not say a word. Right. And he would just be like, he sat there and just patiently waited.
00:10:08
Speaker
Well, I think it was around the fourth or fifth meeting. I can't really remember now, but the last meeting, I don't know what happened. I don't know if I just came in angry that day, but I remember he went about the same way. Ken, how's your day going? Is there anything that you want to talk about today?
00:10:25
Speaker
And for some reason, I was just so upset that day, I just unloaded on him. I started to unload about how much I hate people in his profession and how I hate people who are conniving and manipulative and all he wants to do is just make me feel like crap. And I mean, I don't remember all the things I'd said, but what I do remember is this was the first time that I started to let my anger out and unleash it to someone that they rightfully didn't deserve it.
00:10:59
Speaker
But the side effects of that anger is that a lot of that anger was tied to a lot of the abuse and trauma that I was feeling that little by little, I started to share all of the struggles that I had been facing, all the sin that I had committed and all the sin that was committed unto me. And the whole time I was talking, I was trying to tell myself to shut my mouth.
00:11:28
Speaker
Have you ever been there in that situation where you are like verbally vomiting and you want to shut your mouth but you can't? That was the moment that I was in and I was just like, Ken, shut your freaking pie hole. You know what happened last time. You know that the last time you spoke like this, how devastating it was to you, it's going to happen again. But I couldn't stop. I just un unloaded it everything.
00:11:56
Speaker
And throughout that whole time, I just remember thinking to myself, this guy is going to give me some BS excuse. He's going to put this sin on all this trauma on me like it's my fault.
00:12:09
Speaker
And when I was done, I had that same feeling, that same moment that I had when I was 16 years old. I sat there thinking to myself, I feel vulnerable. I feel naked. I feel ashamed.
Role of Empathy in Counseling
00:12:25
Speaker
I'm worried what he's going to say. And I felt so alone in that very moment, just crying to myself. And I could not bear to look up.
00:12:38
Speaker
And after like five, 10 minutes of, I just remember like him not saying anything. I looked up and he did something that no one had ever done before. And quite frankly, there was only one other person that I ever shared all this stuff with and it didn't go well the first time. So the second time I ever shared someone, shared something with, I look up to him and I just see him crying.
00:13:05
Speaker
He was crying. And I wonder to myself, why is he crying? Like what's going on? And I realized that he was crying for me. He was empathizing with my pain. He was genuinely there. And I remember he came next to me and he said, Ken, I am so sorry that this happened to you. It's not your fault.
00:13:31
Speaker
And I remember he's like, do you mind if I just give you a hug? And I was just like, yes. And when he hugged me, it was like the first time I felt seen and heard, kind of like the moment when I was in my bedroom at 16. And I thought to myself, what is going on? And for the next 40 minutes, I don't know how long it took, honestly, i like time just kind of froze at this moment, but I was crying.
00:13:57
Speaker
so heavily like this is you know the like like nasty snot I mean I was like drooling all over his shoulder it was a hot embarrassing moment to say the least but I just remember feeling for the first time someone else beside God heard my pain And what he did, he didn't say a word after that. He just hugged me for however long. And then by the time I was done, I do remember saying this, I remember we were done. I kind of like wiped my face a little bit and I was like, dude, that has got to have been the most awkward moment you've ever had with a client. And he just kind of laughed it off and he's like, Ken, I know that you have been through tremendous amount of pain.
00:14:45
Speaker
and I'm willing to listen, I'm willing to be here for you, and I'm willing to walk you through your pain if you want me to. And that's it. That's all he said, right? And and just led it up to me. And I said, you know what? I'm willing. Walk me through this. And I'll share a lot of the stuff that he did with me and over the next several episodes. We'll talk about my healing from abuse and also from pornography. But what I want to talk about is the things that he did right.
00:15:13
Speaker
and what other counselors subsequent to that have done well for me as well. However, the reason why I share both of these stories is because God used a man who I thought I would have never been able to redeem a profession before, but because of this one man, he was able to help me through it.
00:15:33
Speaker
Now sadly, I have heard so many stories that are very common to my first experience with a counselor where it was a really bad experience and it wasn't helpful and it actually was more detrimental. And now, i i if anything, one of my big soap boxes, if you get to know me well enough, is like that you find a really good counselor, right? Like someone that I know that will be solid, that's going to help you, that's going to walk you through your
Balancing Empathy and Truth
00:16:00
Speaker
pain.
00:16:02
Speaker
in a biblical, God-centered, empathetic manner. Okay, so how do you do that? How do you find those types of people? And that's what we're gonna talk about for the rest of this episode is what makes a bad counselor versus a good counselor, and then some questions to ask yourselves, okay?
00:16:18
Speaker
Now, if you are just listening to this in the car and you want to know, there is a video, there is a slide deck, there's some stuff that you can look at, so finish listening to it, but when you get a chance, check out the video either on YouTube or on Spotify or Apple Podcast. All of them have now a video component to it, but I implore you to check it out.
00:16:39
Speaker
Now let's walk you through the traits that I think there are five. There's a lot of traits that we could walk through, but these are the main traits that I just want us to address. Okay. So the first one.
00:16:53
Speaker
The first trait is the approach. What type of approach does the counselor have? A bad counselor jumps to quick fixes without understanding the deep issues versus a good counselor takes time to understand. They want to listen. They want to uncover the root issues.
00:17:16
Speaker
See, here's what I found. Bad counselors often try to fix the problem right away without fully understanding what's going on. They may ask questions. It may actually take two or three sessions, right? Because they're saying, hey, I want to dig deep into it. But constantly, they're just trying to fix the surface level problem, never the root issue, right? Proverbs 18, 13 says it this way, and it warns us, if one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
00:17:45
Speaker
You see, rush advice might solve the surface issue but leaves the deeper problem unnoticed. Versus a good counselor on the other hand doesn't rush the issue. They take time to dig deep, to ask questions, and to help you uncover the real issues. They know that true healing takes time and they're patient with the process.
00:18:10
Speaker
And that's the thing that you want to make sure is that the approach that someone has, a good counselor, that they would have what some people call a ministry of presence, that they're willing to sit with you, walk you through it, cry with you, hug you if you need to, right? Like someone that's just going to be there for you in your pain.
00:18:31
Speaker
Same thing with if you're if there's sin that you're struggling with, addictions that you're dealing with. You want someone that is not just going to be like, oh, you're addicted? Well, let's just do 12 steps and let's just move on, right? Or hey, just go to Alcoholics Anonymous or hey, just do this. No, no, no, right? Sometimes you're going to need a band aid or some boundaries, right? ah ah Something quick, but like that should not be the end all be all.
00:18:53
Speaker
you want someone to truly be there with you, which leads to the next approach or next trait. A bad counselor when it comes to empathy, a bad counselor actually lacks empathy, while a good counselor reflects Christ's compassion.
00:19:13
Speaker
Here's what I mean by this. Most counselors, you have to be careful because at the end of the day, most counselors are human. And if you think about their schedule, if they're not careful, they're packing out their schedule four or five sessions a day, they're listening to a lot of people's problems, and they have their own problems at home. And if they're not taking care of themselves, they can lack a lot of empathy.
00:19:37
Speaker
Right? here's a way that I have noticed that they lack empathy. When you feel like you have been unheard or dismissed, right? Kind of we like they're just nodding their head and they're like, yep, yep, I hear your problem. Okay, cool. But they don't ever ask deeper questions to really uncover what's going on.
00:19:54
Speaker
They may offer advice without fully connecting with your struggles. But Hebrews 4.15 reminds us that we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses. You see, a lack of empathy leaves a gap in the counseling relationship where there's no sympathy. You feel like you're talking to a wall. I'll give you a great example of this. I recently went to a doctor.
00:20:20
Speaker
a holistic doctor is just trying to figure out some stuff going on in my life and I remember sharing my my struggles and my pains and all these medical things and One the person never shook my hand. They stood they sat like 10 feet apart for me They like never really looked at me and they were just kind of like Stone cold the whole time and I'm like dude. What is this guy's deal? I'm like just trying to get better right like there's not a major issue I'm trying to you know deal with I'm just trying to connect and he did not want to connect at all and I was just like wow
00:20:58
Speaker
you lack so much sympathy for your clients and I could feel it and I was just like I'm out I don't want to deal with this guy and I went and found a different doctor but when you find people like this right it happens in the counseling office as well that they sometimes just are a little bit more cold to you, right? What you want to find is someone who reflects Christ's compassion, who's willing to walk with your pain and and sit there and empathize and sympathize with you in the midst of everything that's going on. The next one.
00:21:33
Speaker
This is actually the opposite of lacking empathy. This is when someone is how they handle your feelings.
Scripture-Centered Counseling
00:21:41
Speaker
They end up being too empathetic. So here's what I mean by this. A bad counselor prioritizes feelings over truth.
00:21:50
Speaker
while a good counselor balances empathy with truth. You see, bad counselor might validate your feelings so much that they never help you confront difficult truths. And this can feel comforting at some point, but it keeps you from growing. Proverbs 27, 6 says this, Faithful are the wounds of a friend. See, real growth requires hard truth, not just feeling good in the moment.
00:22:19
Speaker
See, in contrast, a good counselor listens with empathy and they also speak truth into your life, even when it's uncomfortable. Now, there's an appropriate time to when to do this, okay? They're not just going to be like just speaking hard truth and just letting you walk like there are times when they need to sit with you. There are also times when they need to just call you out on your junk.
00:22:44
Speaker
See, I remember, and maybe this is a great litmus test, what I use when I counsel people and when people have counseled me, is that when I am talking about sin that people have committed to me, typically I need someone who is going to help me with ministry of presence. Just empathize and and just be there with me, be there with my pain. Help me see that Jesus Christ is a God of comfort. That's what I need.
00:23:10
Speaker
But when I come to someone and I tell them my sin and how I may have a lot of excuses for that sin and why I've committed it, or I try to not fully take ownership of the sin that I committed, those are perfect times when I need someone to confront me,
00:23:27
Speaker
that is going to be extremely important in these situations. So good counselors understand that sometimes the truth may sting, but it's also where real freedom and growth begins. All right, this is going to be really important, especially because I believe that For some of you who are listening to this, the reason that you are still stuck in some of your sin with lust and pornography is that you have been hurt. People have truly, truly hurt you and that has affected you. But you have taken that on and become a victim and everything now is under the umbrella of victim.
00:24:11
Speaker
And yes, when you are in pain and someone has truly hurt you, I want you to have someone that can walk you through that pain. At the same time, we have to be careful that we don't take that card and blame everything towards the sin that we've committed. I'll give you a really good example.
00:24:30
Speaker
For myself, one of the moments that I remember going through with my good counselor is that I remember struggling. i I would have lustful thoughts and I would struggle primarily at nighttime masturbating and different things like that. And I just remember thinking to myself, like, you know what? I wouldn't struggle with this if this person had never abused me. And yes, in some ways, the person did introduce me to pornography.
00:24:59
Speaker
And at the same time, I kept walking into it and I'm allowed it to become an addiction and I went to it as a coping mechanism. So somewhere down the line, it was my choice to start walking into this lustful desire and make it myself enslaved to it. And I just remember my counselor was like, Ken, you're right. This person hurt you. This person introduced you.
00:25:28
Speaker
But when are you going to take ownership for what you've done? And I remember like being a little bit offended. I'm not going to lie. I remember thinking like, what are you talking about? This is all their fault. But like, no, no, at some point I made the choice. At some point I made the choice to manipulate women. At some point I made the choice to take advantage of people. At some point I made the choice to masturbate and all those choices right, were things that I was brushing off to other people and I just needed someone to kind of call me out. And granted, I want you to hear this very carefully. He didn't do that in the first session. This was like 12 sessions in. Okay, so like there was time there, there was like relationship built where he was able to speak into my life and I listened and I was like, Oh man, you're right.
00:26:12
Speaker
So keep that in mind, but you want to make sure that they do not just prioritize your feelings over truth. They balance empathy with truth, guiding you towards growth.
Fostering Christ Dependency
00:26:23
Speaker
This is going to be really important. All right. Next one is that they're scripture centered. A bad counselor relies on their own wisdom versus a good counselor uses scripture as a foundation for every session.
00:26:40
Speaker
Now, this one is probably going to be the most controversial out of all the ones that I've talked about so far. But here's why. I think a bad counselor, even though well-intended, might give you advice based on their personal views or what they've read outside of scripture. And while they mean well, human wisdom and sometimes what we will call it like psychology or secular psychology can't actually bring about the deep transformative healing that we need.
00:27:14
Speaker
See Psalms 119, 105 tells us this, your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Without God's word, their guidance is just a shot in the dark.
00:27:27
Speaker
And what I have found with several counselors now is that they are saying that they're Christians. They're saying that they infuse scripture, but really they kind of just take a passage here and there, but most of their training is from secular psychology and not founded on the word of God. And I am telling you that is one of the biggest red flags. They may have good coping mechanisms.
00:27:55
Speaker
And trust me, I know that some of those things can help, but in the long run, they are not actually pointing you to the person who can transform you. At the end of the day, it's just behavior modification, not heart transformation.
00:28:11
Speaker
I've seen it time and time again where people have gone through counseling for severe issues and they're like, oh man, I went to this secular or this Christian psychologist or therapist and they're using these secular methods and they're like, oh man, it worked for the short term. But then all of a sudden, long term, they come back and they're like, why am I still struggling with this issue? It's because God has never transformed your heart. He's never actually done the deep work that needed to be done.
00:28:40
Speaker
And I know this is a very simplistic version of what I'm talking about. There might be some counselors who are listening to this and they're like, Ken, you're painting this in a a bad brush. I would love to go into this topic deeper at a later time and have other counselors come in and speak about this topic. But I can tell you a couple things that is super important to me here. Is that a good counselor, what I have found, uses scripture as the foundation for everything.
00:29:08
Speaker
believe that God's Word is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword. They will open up the Bible with you, point you to the truths as the ultimate source of wisdom and healing. And here's one, I know, pushback that I tend to see and get. Sometimes people are like, well, Ken, the Bible doesn't talk about these specific traumas. It's not exhaustive for the issues that we face today.
00:29:36
Speaker
Because God didn't know about like these intricate issues that we are struggling with today and we have psychology and we have the the DSM and 5 and I don't remember what one we're at now. But we have all these new studies that are revealing new things and I'm like, whoa, whoa, time out.
00:29:55
Speaker
Are you saying that the God of the universe, the Alpha and the Omega, the God who's outside of time, who look through eternity past, could not see all the sin, all the pain, all the struggle that we would go through and give us sufficient wisdom on how to deal with it? There's passages that he says he gives us everything that pertains to life and godliness.
00:30:25
Speaker
The word of God is God-breathed and it's there for instruction and reproof and for righteousness. The passages of scripture, if we dig deep into it, can truly give us life. like like I cannot tell you how much my life has been completely transformed and healed because I didn't go to secular counselors. It's because I went deeper into the word of God.
00:30:52
Speaker
And sometimes people are like, well, the scriptures can't handle certain truths. I'm like, no, no, no. It's just because you just haven't looked deep enough. God has put it in there. Think about it. Tamar, she was abused by her by brother, her step-brother. There's like countless of stories. King David, he took Bathsheba, he murdered Bathsheba's husband, took her as his wife.
00:31:19
Speaker
the stories that you hear or like it talks about in Corinthians where this man this this a man is sleeping with his mother-in-law like there's the stories that are grimy that are disgusting and grotesque and filled with sin and yet God knows how to speak to those stories. If God can speak to those stories, He can speak to your problems, your pain, your trauma, your sin. Don't ever discount the the Scriptures. That is going to be a huge thing of how do you find someone who's actually going to walk you through it.
00:31:53
Speaker
And I tell you this because I've talked to so many people who, when they go through counseling, and they're like, oh, I went through this secular counselor, it was fantastic. And I'm like, but has your heart felt more in love and transformed by Jesus? Which leads me to my last point. It's your dependency. A bad counselor makes you either be dependent on them or on yourself.
00:32:18
Speaker
If you walk away thinking, you got this in the bag and it's all on you now, that is bad counseling. That's bad advice. It's humanism at its core and it's destructive for your soul, right? There's a lot of self-help books out there that they're gonna tell you, you know what, you can be a better you. You don't need to be a better you, you need to be a transformed you. And if you've been through abuse and pain, you know this really well. Because deep down inside, you might've been just like me,
00:32:49
Speaker
There's nothing in this world that can make you feel better. You don't want to be better. You want the pain to stop. You want the pain to change. You need transformation. And this is where a good counselor equips you to depend on Christ, to see Christ as your source, to see Christ as your savior, to see Christ as your Lord, to see Christ as your big brother. See, because a bad counselor might give you the impression that you can't move forward without them.
00:33:20
Speaker
They become your crutch, the person you turn to for every solution. And this dependency feels comforting at times, right? Because it keeps you from standing strong. It keeps you from standing strong in your faith, right? Because you're leaning on someone else, but you're leaning on the wrong person.
Traits of a Good Counselor
00:33:39
Speaker
Ultimately, you are supposed to be leaning on Christ as the firm foundation.
00:33:48
Speaker
There is a passage that gets taken out of context like crazy, but this is hopefully the first time you might hear it in good context. See, because a good counselor, when they point you back to Christ, you should be able to say something like this, I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4.13. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
00:34:12
Speaker
Right, this is a man who was in prison, who was jailed, who was beaten, who was shipwrecked, right, like he has gone through the mud. He's gone through hell and back and he's still saying, you know what, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He doesn't say I can do all things through humanism or I can do all things through my own strength who strengthens me. No, no, he says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
00:34:41
Speaker
See, so a good counselor, what they want you to do is grow in your dependence on Jesus, not on them. Their ultimate goal is to equip you to rely on God. So you're stronger in him when your counseling ends.
Finding a Good Counselor
00:34:55
Speaker
Great counselors don't want you to see them on weekly basis.
00:35:30
Speaker
As you think about this, and as we wrap up, I want you to have some questions to ask, right? Because now that you know what a good counselor and bank counselor should be like, well, if you ever go look for one, I would encourage you to ask some questions to them, okay? So if you're ready to start your search, there are certain organizations that I would encourage you to check out.
00:35:54
Speaker
For example, there's ABC. This is the Association of Biblical Counselors led by the president and believer at this moment is Jeremy Lelec. I personally have enjoyed this group. This is when I was looking for certifications and I went through the certification. It was with them. I did not finish my certification. That's a whole different story, but everything that I've done with them has been top-notch, has been amazing. So you could check out some of their counselors. CCEF is another one.
00:36:21
Speaker
ACBC is a great one. Heath Lambert used to be the president for that one. Now I believe is Dale Johnson. And then the other one is the biblical counseling coalition. These are all great networks and organizations that have people within the biblical counseling world. Some of them are more strict in certain areas and different things and then emphasize a couple other things. But even then, right?
00:36:49
Speaker
as an organization, they may all be phenomenal, but you still gotta interview your people, the counselors, okay? Don't ever take it a grain of salt just because I said it or someone's like, oh yeah, they have this credential. You still want to ask several questions, okay? So here are five simple questions that you wanna ask and you wanna see how they answer the questions, okay? So question number one, what is your ultimate goal in counseling?
00:37:15
Speaker
You want to ask them that. Like, what are they trying to do here, right? I remember one counselor I talked to and they're like, Ken, we're going to probably have six to eight sessions and I want to figure out the root issue. I want to point you to Christ and I want you get you out of my door.
00:37:30
Speaker
Not because I don't love you, but because as a brother in Christ, I don't want you to depend on me. And I remember thinking to myself like, wow, this guy's really really b blunt and kind of straightforward, but I kind of liked it at the time, you know, it's I needed. And the other thing he said, I remember it was like, Ken, right now, you're my counselor, but I hope we could be brothers after this.
00:37:50
Speaker
and we could be friends. And I was just like kind of shocked. I was like, wait a minute, doesn't that break like every kind of boundary of like counseling, ethics or whatever that I've learned in the in past? But what he was trying to get to is like the ultimate goal is for you not to be in a crutch, right? Is that you find healing and that you get to a place where you're so healed that like you could start doing ministry with other people.
00:38:12
Speaker
And I just thought, wow, this guy's amazing, okay? So, what is your ultimate goal in counseling? The second question is, how do you incorporate scripture into your counseling?
00:38:22
Speaker
This one's going to be really important, right? Because you want to be like, hey, is this something like it's a tag on to everything else, right? That you're doing on like all your credentials. Do they mainly focus on all their other credentials? And then they were like, oh yeah, I think there's this proverb somewhere here, right? No, no, like you want to, if you're going to a counselor, like I always look, where's their Bible at?
00:38:43
Speaker
Like, I want to be able to see a physical Bible. Now, granted, they might use a digital one, and I'll give them the benefit of the doubt for that. But if they don't like, I want to see one that has been worn, has been used, or like they got stuff highlighted, like it's their thing, their go to. Okay, that's just my personal opinion of the people that I like to pursue.
00:39:03
Speaker
The next question is, what's your view on sin, grace, and repentance? This is such a good question. And any counselor is going to be like, whoa, you asked this question? They're goingnna gonna be like, ah ah that's a dissertation for a lot of them. That's good. You want to see where they're at.
00:39:21
Speaker
You want to see how do they handle sin in their whole life? How do they handle sin when you confess sin? right How do they talk about grace? Are they someone who's grace-filled?
00:39:32
Speaker
or are they legalistic? wanna make sure that they are walking you through the grace of God. I cannot tell you how much all these counselors, the good ones that have helped me and mentors and coaches, the ones who were the best for me, the ones who were so grace-filled, who were the people who just constantly were showing me the grace of God over my life.
00:39:57
Speaker
Because quite frankly, I am someone who can constantly see my sin. All day long, every moment of the day, I sense my thoughts being negative and sinful and I feel the condemnation on a daily basis that I have to remind myself Romans 8-1, that therefore there's no condemnation in Christ Jesus, right? Like that's a battle that I have to fight constantly. But the only way to do that is if I'm undergirded by grace.
00:40:24
Speaker
And that's what you need is someone who can walk you through grace. And that last was like repentance. What's their view on repentance? Right? This is a big red flag for me. Whenever people use language like, hey, you just have struggles, or you've just made mistakes, or you just have issues, or you just have bad habits, those can be all true.
00:40:46
Speaker
Those are things that happen, right? You do have bad habits, you do have struggles. But if they never say you have sin, or some of your bad habits are due to sinful sin, or there are actually sinful habits, right? There's a lot of even pastors out there who don't like using that language anymore, right? And that's a big red flag. Because sometimes the most healing you can have is through repenting.
00:41:10
Speaker
and proper repentance through your sin. And I had to do that in my life. Again, I want to distinguish between sin that was committed towards me, right? That's not something that I repent of, but how I choose to respond to the sin that I have to be careful of. And man, oh man, did I choose to respond in a very sinful, angry, bitter way. And I had to take ownership of the things that I responded to and how I responded to and bring it to the Lord in repentance. Okay, two more questions. How do you balance empathy with speaking hard truths? Okay, I personally, when I asked this question, here's what I'm looking for is I actually would prefer someone who's more empathetic, right? It's so hard to find the balance of like empathy and truth telling, right? But there are people who are like,
00:42:07
Speaker
they're gonna cut you no matter how much you're hurting. And I'm just like, even though you're trying to be a biblical counselor, empathy is needed at the moment. So I would implore you to make sure that like, again, if you're going through abuse, trauma, anything like that, you probably need more empathy at the beginning first, ah ah before you have someone just start like trying to give you hard truths.
00:42:30
Speaker
If you don't have abuse in your background, it's just kind of like, hey man, I know this is my sin, I know I'm struggling, right? You may need someone to kind of kick you in the pants a little bit, right? And that's okay, right? It just depends on where you're at. And you're like, dude, I don't know what I need in this moment. This is where you actually talking to a counselor might be helpful of like, hey,
00:42:49
Speaker
I actually don't know what I need. How do you balance it with someone like this? And you don't have to get into the
Community Support and Conclusion
00:42:54
Speaker
sinful details, but you're just like, this is my personality. This is how I handle when people speak hard truths to me. They should get to know you a little bit so that they know how to speak to you.
00:43:05
Speaker
a great biblical counselor will get to understand your personality, get to understand how they best should speak to you and what type of tone they should be using with you. all of those things are going to matter in this situation. And then the last question is how do you navigate situations where your personal beliefs might differ from a client's?
00:43:29
Speaker
This is going to be kind of goes along with the empathy side of things. But man, you are going to have as a a counselor, several different beliefs that might differ from the biblical counselor. So you want to know how do they handle those? And then you as a counselor, you want to be also open to seeing like maybe the biblical counselor is right.
00:43:49
Speaker
Maybe they're wrong, right? Like both of you have to have this humility going into this, but like how do you navigate those conversations? Are you open-minded? Are we willing to have a discussion or is this like my way or the highway? All right, so those things are going to be really important as you process through this.
00:44:08
Speaker
Now, hopefully this conversation has been helpful to you. Again, the whole time in this topic, what I wanted to walk you through is just recognizing what takes a bad counselor versus a good counselor.
00:44:23
Speaker
What are the traits of a good counselor? And what type of questions should you be asking for those individuals? And if this has been helpful or there's a topic you'd like me to cover, man, I would love for you to shoot me a DM and see how I can best help you. And if get it, man, if you've had a story with a bad counselor, I totally understand. You could shoot me a DM and be like, dude,
00:44:47
Speaker
I want to find a good counselor, but I don't know how to find one. I'm struggling because this has happened to me. Man, please feel free to reach out. I know how hard that can be. You can reach out to me via my personal Instagram or in my podcast handles. They're all going to be in the show notes that you could check.
00:45:05
Speaker
at any given time. And I encourage you, if you are at a place where sin has been committed upon you, whether it's abuse or any type of trauma like that, or the sin that you've committed and you're struggling, can I just encourage you? Go find the help you need.
00:45:25
Speaker
If you need to reach out to me, be more than happy to point you in the right direction. If not, go to your pastor. Go reach out to someone, right? Make sure that you are in a biblically saturated, spirit-filled, gospel-centered, Christ-glorifying church, okay? So that you can find people that can help you through it.
00:45:47
Speaker
Or check out some of those networking organizations that I talked about earlier. ABC, CCF, ACBC, BCC, right? I know those are all acronyms. You won't remember. It's going to be the show notes. But go reach out to someone. Start getting the help you need. Until next time, still keep killing shame, stand strong, and be on mission. Hope you have a great day and God bless.