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surviving the holidays
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Transcript
Introduction & Holiday Wishes
00:00:00
Awaken Bake
Welcome or welcome back to awake and bake where we get high vibes and talk about the universe. I'm your host Danny and these are my high thoughts. Happy holidays hookers. It's that weird time between like Christmas, Hanukkah, and then the new year where I also if I missed a holiday in there and I'm sure I did I'm ignorant sometimes and for that I really do apologize. But if I missed it, whatever you celebrate, happy holidays to you. But yeah, in between there. It's like what time is it?
Sensory Issues & Personal Stories
00:00:27
Awaken Bake
What day of the week is it? I don't fucking know.
00:00:29
Awaken Bake
All I know is that I'm going to be living in sweatpants as often as I can, which honestly, that doesn't even have to be just this time of the year. I pretty much am always living in sweatpants. So hilarious sensory issue girly stand the fuck up. I don't know if you guys can relate to this, but I was when I was but I was a little baby once. I don't know if y'all can relate, but once I was a baby. No, but when I was a little baby, I my mom, you know, she I was her first born. This is her first rodeo. First time go around. She didn't know what the fuck was on me. Every time she would try to put shoes and socks on me, I would start fucking screaming. just crying like crazy. She took me to the doctor one day. I don't know. It was just for a checkup or what I had jaundice. I was there like all the goddamn time I had to go like daily weekly whatever the fuck to get my little feet pricked. I delay in the sun and all that good shit. My mom had me on time and she was like this bitch cannot stop screaming when I put socks and shoes on her. And they're like, Oh, she hates the seam. It's the seam of the sock turn her socks inside out. She'll be cool. It's a sensory issue. My mom turned my socks inside out, bitch, it worked.
00:01:23
Awaken Bake
I wore my socks strictly inside out for years years and years until I went to like SCPA, which was like a cool school in my like I went from a Catholic school to a cool school in sixth grade. I was like, no, no, these artsy kids who are so cool and not funny and weird whatsoever. I can't let these very cool artsy kids see me in my inside out socks.
00:01:44
Awaken Bake
And then I literally forced myself to get over it. Like I still am hyper aware of the feeling of my socks, but that's why I'm very picky with the socks that I wear. OK, why are we talking about this? I don't know. I just thought maybe I would open up a little bit. Maybe I'd share a little bit, have an opportunity for connection. And you know what? While we're on the goddamn subject about when I was a baby and when I was a child,
00:02:02
Awaken Bake
I have something else to say. Okay, and to be fair, we're not going to be negative or like kind of dark or talking about something heavy for the whole episode. But goddamn, I got to get my mind off of it. Let me just say what I got to say so we can start off this way. I know starting off an episode where I'm kind of like talking about some serious shit or trauma or whatever the fucking case may be might not be the most fun and the most appealing for everybody. But just bear with me. It won't last. But if I don't get it off my chest, I'm just going to think about it the whole time.
Toxic Relationships & Self-Love
00:02:28
Awaken Bake
So long story is short, I asked the universe recently for a sign to tell me that I was on the right track and that like I was still doing okay, that I shouldn't be doubting myself, especially about certain people in my life, right? Well, lo and behold, a certain motherfucking loser disappointed me once again. By the way, no, this is not about my husband. He's literally not a loser. He's never disappointed me. But I know I just want to say that because I know people love to assume when you assume you know what the fuck you do, bitch.
00:02:53
Awaken Bake
But yeah, this motherfucker disappointed me and it just was like, actually, I'm not disappointed. I expected this. And then what that told me, right, is this is a person that I have spent years and years and years trying to get away from, trying to better myself from that, like after distancing myself from them and.
00:03:09
Awaken Bake
Honestly, losers will be losers like you need to let losers go family or friends. Okay, sometimes your family members are not genuinely great people. It doesn't mean that it's the end of the world. And it doesn't mean that it has anything to do with you it doesn't mean that you're bad it doesn't mean that we have to fucking hate them. But they're not good for you. They're not good for others. Damn, bitch. They're not even good for themselves.
00:03:29
Awaken Bake
by the way this is totally not like the pc term for it like calling somebody a loser like no that is not the politically correct or compassionate well-rounded full forming picture understanding but it gets the point across i'm speaking to you in layman's terms if a motherfucker self sabotages and also tries to sabotage the peep like fuck with the people around them you bitch the people that you care about bitch or the people in their life bitch just because you've known them for a long time or it's your family member does not mean that it is okay or that you have to take it you are allowed to remove yourself from the situation and honestly the sign that I needed that I have done the right thing and I should continue this I got it recently was it hard was it hard to get that sign yeah because you never want to learn about more disappointing information about somebody who at one time you may have cared about
00:04:15
Awaken Bake
I don't know bitches. Do you guys tell me if I'm wrong but I think we get a little bit confused when it comes to true love unconditional love healthy love like these are not all interchangeable. You actually don't need to have unconditional love for anybody other than yourself because guess what bitch people can't cross lines and boundaries that they can't take back or that are so fucking harmful and rooted in self serving and they don't actually give a fuck about you and you will in turn self sabotage by letting them stay in your life by forgiving them over and over.
00:04:49
Awaken Bake
I don't know guys, while this may kind of sound like cynical or like dark or even just like depressing or sad. It, you know, I totally see that. But actually, it is a good thing because you are not attached to those people. You are capable and able to move on and do good things with your life. But you only have so much time on this earth. Do you want to spend it suffering the whole goddamn time?
00:05:12
Awaken Bake
You want to talk about unconditional love, real true love, healthy love. We need to love ourselves unconditionally. We need to love and respect ourselves with unconditional effort rather than giving it to people who are going to mishandle it. OK, because trust me, when you hang around these people for too long, it starts to affect your health.
00:05:31
Awaken Bake
But when when you leave these people, when you start respecting yourself, you start glowing and it's not your job to fix people. They have to want to fix themselves. And I just wanted to be an example that it won't hurt forever. You won't be sad about it forever. OK, you will and you can fully just heal and have the most rewarding, fulfilling life without these people and without this trigger constantly being around you.
00:05:57
Awaken Bake
When somebody treats you poorly and we allow it over and over, we start to internalize it and it starts to genuinely affect our self-esteem. Not only that, but like the cells in our body when we're hearing this and we're being treated like this over and over, they start to feel that way. They start to feel sick. They don't start to feel strong. And it's it's so hard to explain unless you've been in this situation before. But taking any kind of mistreatment or abuse, but mostly like for long periods of time, it has damaging, long lasting effects to you.
00:06:27
Awaken Bake
and I love you hooker whores you deserve better so I'm just saying like stand the fuck up I'm also saying thank you universe because I did ask for a sign and while it was a little bit hard it's the one that I needed I like to bring this up because i know i'm probably not the only person who's in a situation like this where but your family or with people in your life i don't want it to come off like i'm just like shit talking or like trying to like spill too much personal information but i have this podcast so i i love like full transparency like if another bitch was just like hey i'm Sally from Milwaukee and she just wanted to like hop on a podcast and start saying her family life and her shit and how she's dealing with it Bitch, I'm listening to the full thing. I give a fuck about Sally from Milwaukee. Okay were
00:07:11
Awaken Bake
Where is Milwaukee? I'm gonna guess Wisconsin, but I feel like I'm wrong. But yeah, I don't know. There's just there's always this little voice in my head that's like, bitch, you have a podcast, you have a platform. So like, you've had kind of a hard time. like no I'm not saying I've had it like the worst. I'm just saying like, I have had things that I've had to work through and I can genuinely see like, ooh, I grew from that. I made it out of that. I get it out the mud type shit. You know what I mean? That was actually so cringy.
00:07:37
Awaken Bake
actually I wish I didn't do that backspace delete that if my husband were here he would clown on me so hard oh my god I can't believe anyway it's just that little voice in my head saying like bitch be a source of inspiration for others so that they don't feel as alone you're not their teacher you're not like oh I'm an example but it's just like hey Someone else is out there going through something very similar, and if this helps you feel like you are you you have power in this situation, you're not powerless, you're not hopeless, and you're not in the wrong. You're allowed to live your life for yourself, being yourself, or like demanding and requiring respect. The respect that you give to everyone, the love that you give to everybody, you deserve that too. You should not live every day having to prove yourself or defend yourself to the people in your life.
00:08:21
Awaken Bake
So that's that one voice, that one voice that's like, baby girl, like you are just making people feel seen as a source of inspiration for others. But then there's that other voice that's like, bitch, why do I have to be the source?
00:08:33
Awaken Bake
You know, you don't want to put me in like a super comfy, fluffy, loving little setup from the jump. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I genuinely believe that like in some way or another, everything happens for a reason. And i I obviously like to a degree, but I do believe that we picked our parents and like the basis of our journey before we came here. So yeah, before I came here, I probably knew what I was getting into. I'm sure I knew what I was getting into. And that's honestly, that's probably why I'm strong enough to handle it and why I've handled it the way that I have.
00:09:02
Awaken Bake
that does give me a lot of comfort like knowing that I chose this path of life before I even came here and that like I wanted this and I chose my parents and my grandparents and everything and like my soul family like that gives me a lot of comfort and then also I still do tap in and ask hey like universe can I please get a sign that like I'm on the right path and that like everything's gonna be okay or can you guide me or whatever the fuck so Yeah, I just wanted to
Holiday Chaos & Coping
00:09:26
Awaken Bake
start with that. If the holidays for anybody else to bring up any type of um uneasy feelings or triggers or for some reason, it's just like a lot of chaos and drama around the holidays. You're not alone. I love you. I'm here for you. We got this and things will get better. Also, like we're that bitch. We're on the right path. Keep doing you bitch.
Media Reflections & Social Issues
00:09:45
Awaken Bake
Okay, now speaking of some fucked up family drama, not mine, not yours, not bitches that we know, I wanna talk about Switched at Birth. First of all, thank you TikTok for putting it back in my brain. I forgot that that show existed. I was obsessed with that show when it first came out, and I don't know, I think I was in high school, and it made me wanna learn sign language. While I'm watching it again, bitch, I wanna learn sign language again.
00:10:10
Awaken Bake
There's so much that I forgot, but there's also so much that I remember. So that's fun. It's hilarious because when I was in high school, I actually learned, I knew you were troubled by Taylor Swift in sign language um on YouTube. I like learned how to sign it and I still remember how to do the chorus. However, I am not a Swifty. So what a silly choice.
00:10:28
Awaken Bake
But if any of you have any suggestions about what would be a good way for me to learn sign language, like from home, like I don't want to go take a class somewhere, but like, I mean, I'll pay for like an online course or something. That's fine. I just want to get back into sign language. I want to get very fluent in ASL. But that's actually not why I wanted to talk about switch to birth.
00:10:46
Awaken Bake
Um, bitches, the problematic storylines, holy fuck, not even just storylines like comments and just like offhanded comments, like just the script, whoever wrote it, it was like it was a mixture of people who were socially aware and then people who were like just blatantly, obviously fucking racist and wanted to make that known. It's very confusing. They address a lot of really important topics. So they address, you know, um racism through like just blatant outright ah outright racism, right? But they also address it through like microaggressions. Here's the problem. There's zero education that goes with it. It's like they fight about it. And then they kind of like move on and then the oppressor people, which is the white people family. So it's like, what is their last name? It's like Daphne Vasquez and Bay kenis, Kenneth, I don't fucking know.
00:11:40
Awaken Bake
the white family, the Kennish family, you know, they stay being offensive as shit. They stay with the microaggressions and sometimes just straight up aggressions. And I'm watching it and I'm just like, OK, so it's nice that you guys are like throwing out there like, oh, well, that's a fucked up thing to say. But then you make it so that the person saying the fucked up comment actually wins the argument and comes out in the end as the protagonist who like is right. So it's just a little confusing because I fear that there is not a good education or like lesson going along with it. And I have to wonder, did it subconsciously program or affect anyone's views growing up like I in the world? I just have to wonder. Because here's the other thing I noticed when it comes to the topic of ableism that sure, they had no problem educating on. They taught they were saying honestly, a lot of stuff like that I didn't even know, um things that are like, considered rude to say or what's correct to say, when it came to dealing with someone ah who is deaf or
00:12:34
Awaken Bake
any type of disability, actually. They bring up multiple different types of disabilities throughout the show, like just in terms of teaching the families how to be politically correct and how to be a better ally to that community.
00:12:46
Awaken Bake
It's just been a wild ride. I'm going to keep watching it, but I'm peeping everything and I just need to make that known. OK, you guys, so I am currently recording this Friday, December 27th, hopefully going to get it put out today, 2024. And like I said, it's kind of that weird in between time right now. So I just have to ask, did anybody get thrown any weird curveballs or witnessed anything unfortunate or anything?
Life’s Chaos & Intentional Living
00:13:10
Awaken Bake
fights or any like downfalls I don't even know I just feel like so much has happened like not even like um this is no longer related to my family or my personal life but like in the world I'm just like holy shit a lot of stuff is going on and it's kind of overwhelming sometimes so I'm handling it by asking the universe like what is this asking of me what is this teaching me how is this helping me grow what is expected of me and then I'm trying to move with intention so That being said, I asked the universe, is there any downloads? Is there anything that my audience needs to know that I need to know? Any message or any word that you want us to just, I don't know, fucking ponder.
00:13:48
Awaken Bake
And I was journaling when I was asking this, and I'm not even kidding, just over and over and over in my head. And it wasn't even what I was expecting, because usually, like I don't know, I have different types of intuition and um different like types of like what I feel are like my kind of like tapped-in abilities of like a message. So this is one of them. And this one was very clear and very strong. And this I could tell was from Source, because it's not what I personally was thinking. Sometimes Source kind of puts ideas and themes in my head, and then they grow and grow and grow, and then they get details. And then things happen in life where I'm like, OK, cool. So I should be talking about this.
00:14:17
Awaken Bake
This was one of those things where I asked the universe, hey, can you step in like you got do you have a message and it just said it in my head for no reason over and over unexpectedly just kept saying make communication a focus you need to make communication a focus.
00:14:32
Awaken Bake
Okay, so period. So first off, let's sit with that because when I first got it, it kind of came out the blue. Like I wasn't personally thinking about communication at the time and it wasn't really on my radar, but I heard it over and over in my head right when I was asking. So I wrote it down and then I kind of sat with it. And obviously you, if something comes up, you feel what you feel and you go with what your gut says. Now, if you're like, I don't know, bitch, I'm still not sure what you mean. and Here's two things that came to mind when I started sitting with this.
00:14:58
Awaken Bake
If and only if you feel that a relationship will bring positivity for both of you, but like, you know, especially you, because we're talking about you and you got to look out for yourself, then you need to focus on communicating with this person. And while we are communicating, I'm putting an emphasis on non-violent communication. The way my mouth wanted to say non-verbal communication, and it's like, okay, bitch, so what do you want us to do? You want me to write a letter? You want me to text? We talk in telepathy. We want me to paint you a little picture and be like, oh, it speaks to me. What does it say?
00:15:28
Awaken Bake
No, I meant nonviolent. Well, I said nonviolent. Nonviolent communication is so important. It's basically the only type of communication you should be having if you want to have a productive resolution with the person that you're dealing with. But the other download that I had was if you feel that communication will either cause more stress, cause some harm, it will prolong an already repetitive cycle and just keep it going, then you need to stop and you need to keep your time and your energy to yourself because it is sacred.
00:15:56
Awaken Bake
So that is the download that source had for you guys today. I wanted to make sure that I mentioned that before I like forgot and just like yapped just for the sake of repetition.
Communication & Healing Journey
00:16:05
Awaken Bake
The download was you need to make communication a focus. Also, I think you should take a hit. Have you been smoking? I've smoked before this episode. I can't smoke during it because I have the windows open right now. Sorry, I have the windows closed right now because they're doing construction outside and I don't want to like hotbox the room.
00:16:24
Awaken Bake
But will you guys please take a hit for me, please? OK, can we also talk about how those motherfuckers were not lying when they said that healing is not linear? Now, first of all, I didn't really always know what they meant when they said it wasn't linear. I was like, OK, like so it's still going to go upwards, though, right? Like it just might drop back down like one or two notches every now and then, but then still going to go upwards.
00:16:46
Awaken Bake
Bitch, did you know you could go sideways? You know, you could go upside down. Because let's start this portion off with a trigger warning. Trigger warning body image eating disorder conversation. Yeah, click out in the next five, four, three, two, if you can't hear it, say goodbye. Anyway, if you can stomach this.
00:17:05
Awaken Bake
Bitch, why the fuck have I been triggered about my eating disorder when I have not really struggled with my eating disorder in, I'm proud to say, quite some time now. Quite some time. I haven't relapsed or anything. I'm just noticing like the unhealthy thinking in my head and like the multiple triggers that are happening. And I'm like, holy shit. Like these aren't even things that I really thought about or thought could affect me in this way. This came out of nowhere. This came absolutely out of fucking nowhere. I haven't had an issue with this in so long.
00:17:34
Awaken Bake
But that's when I think it's cool to recognize when it triggers and like choosing to see the growth in yourself and be proud of yourself. Because yes, this sucks. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I'm like monitoring myself or like my brain like can't relax. But also I'm at a place now where it's like, oh wait, I'm recognizing this is an unhealthy thinking pattern. I'm recognizing this is likely a trigger. Like it's very very important to Understand that like, just because you're having these thoughts, it doesn't mean that you are living in that same reality. You're not the same person that you were before when you were dealing with this. It's a new day, it's a new month, it's a new year, it's a new week, whatever. You always have the option to handle it better than you did the last time. But you can't do that if you're not aware of when it's happening. So for a long time, I had to work on even understanding these triggers and these cues that were letting me know, oh wait, this isn't a good thing that I'm doing. This is not a healthy thought pattern that I'm in.
00:18:28
Awaken Bake
I'm in a place now where I'm more upset that I'm having these thoughts. That alone is growth. I would also like to shout out my therapist. I know she's probably sick of me. I come to her with so many issues. I'm sick of me too, bitch. I love you, though. No, I'm just kidding. She's absolutely amazing. And I feel like she really fucking listens and understands me because I was telling her like, oh, my gosh, i'm I'm so nervous because I'm getting all these crazy thoughts and like I'm feeling really, really triggered. And I haven't felt this level with this intensity in quite some time. And I haven't felt it in this way in quite some time. What do I do? Why is this happening?
00:18:59
Awaken Bake
And sometimes I think we just, i maybe it's just me. Maybe I've been so far removed from the person that I was when I was really fucking struggling with my anorexia. Maybe I just like, in a good way, maybe I forgotten some of those things. Maybe I forgot what it was like. but Maybe I forgot what was kind of feeding it.
00:19:17
Awaken Bake
But all it took was me explaining a little bit of this to my therapist for her to say, OK, well, don't forget, you just recently got really shitty and for information about an extremely traumatic event that was taking place at the height of your eating disorder. So it makes complete sense that now you are starting to have some control issues.
00:19:35
Awaken Bake
And it can also be true that yes, you can be triggered, but also you are safe now. Also you are healthy now and also you are stronger now and you are not going to go into unhealthy patterns. And it's also really fucking cool and you should be fucking proud of yourself for choosing to work through it and to not give in and choosing to recognize it and do something about it. And it's okay. Hey, you can wait until after the anxiety attack, honey. I had an anxiety attack.
00:19:58
Awaken Bake
But it's very interesting because I'm like, this is what this is honestly what they mean about healing is not linear because the amount of stress that I was feeling mentally, it really did bring me back to such a shitty time where I was like a much weaker person and I was way deeper in my anorexia.
00:20:13
Awaken Bake
but I'm not there now. It just like mentally I was there, but I wasn't like doing any unhealthy actions or anything like that. And I actually was taking strides to, you know, stay in a good place and take the steps to make sure that I spoke with my therapist about it and make sure that I spoke with my husband about it and make sure that I was taking care of myself and not feeding into it.
00:20:32
Awaken Bake
And that is what I fucking mean by those bitches were not lying. Healing is not linear. It's a topsy turvy, twisty, curvy go around. And I am I'm a little tired. You don't even want a roller coaster and like your stomach flips. And like sometimes you're like, oh, my God, I'm going to throw up. But sometimes you're like, kind of feels good.
00:20:48
Awaken Bake
I feel like I had one of those moments. I wasn't like at the bottom of the roller coaster and I was not like the roller coaster wasn't fucking broken. I wasn't throwing up. I was on one of those little hill moments, but it didn't feel good. It was one of those like, oh, I'm going to I'm a little nauseous.
00:21:03
Awaken Bake
as in the past, I think maybe maybe I have been triggered, but I was almost able to handle it so quickly and with such competence. And like, I don't even know, like, just like conviction is the wrong word, but just drive and like, no, bitch, I'm past that. I got this. Watch me show how strong I am and how healed I am and how much better I'm doing and how much I'm growing. That's kind of when it when it feels good on the little.
00:21:24
Awaken Bake
This one I wasn't expecting. I didn't like this one, but that's okay. We live, we learn, and we are still healing. Just cause you get triggered. Just cause you have a bad day. Doesn't mean you're not healing. That's the whole point of healing isn't linear. You are still healing. You're doing the damn thing, bitch.
00:21:40
Awaken Bake
I hope that made sense, you guys. I don't know. I feel like even though the main like celebratory holidays are over, I know we still have the new year coming up. I still feel like the holiday time this time of year, this winter time, it's just weird. It's it's a weird vibe. And I'm trying to survive still. So if you're in that boat, you're not alone. Watch. What if everyone listening to this is like, I actually had a perfect great time and everything is in synchronicity and everything's in alignment. I don't know what you're talking about.
00:22:08
Awaken Bake
No, I'm just kidding. I know that's not a thing because the collective conscious and I've already talked to a few of you hooker whores and I know some of y'all are going through it too. But the cool thing is we are in this together and it's nice, like I said, to be able to see how far you've come and to be able to say, OK, yeah, right now is not easy. Right now is hard. It's challenging. It's triggering. But I'm confident enough in myself and I believe in myself enough and I've done the work to know I'm going to come out of this on the other side. And I'm going to handle this even better than I handled it last time.
00:22:34
Awaken Bake
But I would like to close out by saying there is something to be said about like the magical energy that comes with the new year.
New Year Reflections & Optimism
00:22:41
Awaken Bake
Yes, I like to wait until the spring so that I can really be like a spring chicken. That's what I feel like really putting a pep in my step, um getting my calendar together, my vision board together, all that good shit.
00:22:51
Awaken Bake
But the energy is still there, right? Of like this new year, I think because even though time has been made and we've made this calendar and we've decided, OK, December is when we're going to start a new year. I still feel like because we've done that and collectively it does hold such a significance. There's something kind of like spiritual, magical, awesome about it. There's like a new hope that comes with it. There's like some optimism that kind of lives in the air.
00:23:17
Awaken Bake
My only suggestion my only hope for all of you guys going forward is that you enter this new year and even hotter bitch than you were before and even more confident bitch than you were before the baddest bitch that you have been thus far. That's all I want for you guys. We can survive the holidays. We're in this together. We're going to go into the new year with so much pizzazz so much charisma.
00:23:40
Awaken Bake
Our lip gloss is popping. Our pussies are wet. We are only smoking the best of the best weed in the business top shelf. That's what I'm talking about 2% terpenes or higher. And we are staying optimistic and we are believing in ourselves. I love you guys. Thank you so much for listening. As always, stay high.