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trying to be self aware
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Transcript
Introduction and Personal Reflections
00:00:00
Awaken Bake
Welcome or welcome back to Awakened Bake where we get high vibes and talk about the universe. I'm your host Dani and these are my high thoughts. I'm gonna be very honest, these are fueled by my period. If you were like, bitch, didn't you just have your period recently? Yeah, it's a regular and it's a long one. If it bothers you, imagine how much it bothers me.
00:00:20
Awaken Bake
So forgive me, this is a cranky little period rant, but I have a lot on my mind. A lot has happened in my life and in the world, and I have rants and opinions about all of it. Do I need to? No, but you're
Critique of Self-Centered Behavior
00:00:33
Awaken Bake
going to hear it. So first off with my cranky period rant, I get annoyed as fuck when people center themselves at inappropriate times. OK, so I'm going to give an example. It's random, but I've been seeing it a lot.
00:00:46
Awaken Bake
When a white bitch, I'm going to call her a Karen because she's just the worst type of white person, even though she thinks that she is such an ally. um When a white person, a white Karen says, oh, my living in America, mind you. Wow. You just have no idea how much the genocide has affected me.
00:01:05
Awaken Bake
Um, bitch, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it's probably affected the people experiencing it even more than it's affecting you. Like, yes, obviously we should all have hearts. We should all be human. This should be affecting all of us. But when we make ourself the center of attention and then like have this whole fucking mental breakdown over it and just like i it it just it's tiring and I'm not here to dog on anyone's mental health, but I'm here to be like, wow, the lack of awareness is irritating as fuck.
00:01:33
Awaken Bake
Here's the other thing, though. Everyone is a mirror. So does that mean that I sometimes do this? Probably fucking Lee, OK? Maybe. Yeah. And maybe I need to
Black and White Thinking
00:01:42
Awaken Bake
reflect. But I'm just saying this particular instance is irritating the piss out of me. You know how people will comment like, hey, so this is insane. That's literally how I feel every time I see some shit like that.
00:01:52
Awaken Bake
This is a perfect thing to follow that up with, though. I also hate being wrong. I hate when I end up wrong, bitch, like for real. And I love to be educated. It's not even that. That's not at all what I'm talking about. But I hate when I enjoy a person's art or content or their ideas or even just their energy or their company. And then they betray me by not ending up morally aligning with me like in some major type of way. OK, I oh, God, it makes me feel so stupid oh and disappointed.
00:02:20
Awaken Bake
Because the problem is I'm actually very fucking good at reading patterns and people and I can usually predict a downfall before it's going to happen and like get the hell out of there. Like if I peep like you have some signs of microaggressions, I'm going to bring it up and I don't like where it goes. I'm going to try to educate and then if it doesn't work, I'm going to dip because I can't do that. I know myself, bitch, I have a short temper. I'll get violent and we're grown now. We don't resort to violence. So, you know,
00:02:46
Awaken Bake
My point is I'm usually really fucking good at seeing this shit before it happens. But sometimes I am just as shocked as y'all as anyone else. And I fucking hate that. Oh my God. But I think more than that, I think what I hate the most is when I have a gut feeling about someone. But then I compromise it because everybody else loves this person. And then I start to question like, am I just a fucking hater? And then boom, exposed. I was right. And it's like, why did I ever doubt myself?
00:03:12
Awaken Bake
The reason that I'm bringing that up is because it's been on my mind specifically because I have realized I am kind of exhibiting a little bit of black and white thinking, which is not something that I ever thought would describe myself. um I've always tried. I think this happened in an effort to be the opposite of my father, who does have very black and white thinking, but just in the opposite ways that I do.
00:03:36
Awaken Bake
And in an effort to just be so completely different from him, I think I just deemed any quality that could be in alignment with my father good or bad as just being bad. And now I'm having a hard time seeing like the duality of man. I'm kind of just feeling like you're either good or you fucking suck.
00:03:57
Awaken Bake
Here's the problem, like I've known this, I've known that my mindset was getting a little bit weird and I've been telling y'all for god knows how long at this point that I really wanted to do sh streams again and then I can't because like they don't interact well with my meds.
Self-Acceptance and Quality of Life
00:04:08
Awaken Bake
And it's like, I understand that this is something that I'll just have to work through, you know, raw dog in k it, essentially, I say raw dogging it while I'm literally like heavily medicated.
00:04:19
Awaken Bake
But I guess I'm just now realizing like how it really is negatively affecting me because I am starting to almost feel like it's coming off I don't know like judgmental or like I have like a God complex like I can't be wrong like so if I deem you as bad then you're bad and I'm just gonna be honest like that's that's not what I want but internally that's what I was starting to notice recently like that's kind of how I was starting to like feel like I was just straight up writing off people online like as people who I don't even really fucking know as like completely evil people or completely good people and like that there was or if I deemed you as good you were allowed to have flaws and stuff but they just couldn't be like anything that I considered a flaw especially if it was something that I ever thought my dad would be okay with
00:05:03
Awaken Bake
So that's just what I've been like really struggling with recently, but I am proud of myself for like realizing that it's not that I think that I'm better than people. It's not that I want to be hateful. I am just so afraid of ending up like my fucking dad, I think like.
00:05:18
Awaken Bake
as much as I like, you know, joke and like shit on him. I'm also on my period, guys. I don't feel this way like every day. But I he did really heavily affect my mindset and like my life, um not in a positive way.
00:05:34
Awaken Bake
So I'm always just trying to like be the opposite almost, but I'm not like intentionally thinking I have to be the opposite. it's It's more like I'm following my gut. My intuition, what I know is right. And then suddenly if someone is doing something different, but that different thing happens to be something that I think aligns with my father, then no, then suddenly I'm writing them off as a piece of shit. And I just don't want to do that. Like I even and even internally, I'm not saying this stuff to other people, but internally, I don't want to have this fucking superiority complex.
00:06:03
Awaken Bake
I don't know how people do it like you know people who are obsessed with power and like being better than everyone. It's exhausting and it does not make you feel good for me. I'm just kidding. It makes me scared. It makes me feel like like honestly I have to reframe my thinking because it's just scaring me because I'm starting to think the world is full of more bad people than good people. That's causing me to honestly slip into like a very scary state.
00:06:24
Awaken Bake
And I'm fine, like, I'm not allowing it to happen. Like, I'm a self aware queen. But with being self aware, I'm now realizing damn bitch, like you got to cut out this black and white thinking you have to stop this purity complex, you need to find a way to start humanizing people and allowing them to grow. But it's like, it's hard for me to be able to judge like,
00:06:43
Awaken Bake
to what degree and then people are like, well, it's not for you to judge. That's for God to judge. Maybe I don't really play that game, though. I really do like try to intellectualize the fuck out of every thought that I have. I'm not saying it's right. I i can't help it. I'm sure I could if I like really, really, really try. But I'm trying a lot of shit. OK, got a lot of things, a lot of lists, a lot of bullshit of self improvement that I'm working on one thing at a time.
00:07:08
Awaken Bake
And right now, that one thing is I am trying to work on cutting out this black and white thinking is essentially what I'm saying. OK, do you fucking get it? I do think, however, that I'm getting better at it each day because awareness is key and I'm noticing the fuck out of it. OK, it's one thing about me. I'll notice shit. OK, what do people say? People say I decay a lot, but not me. I be knowing.
Social Media and Internet Responsibility
00:07:29
Awaken Bake
If you're listening to this and you are able to take a hit right now, I do encourage you to take a hit because this next topic I want to talk about is kind of triggering. And this is someone who I am going to play God. I am going to play superiority complex. I do deem this bitch as a bad bitch. Not I'm sorry, not a bad bitch, a bad person. She's a bitch in a derogatory way. OK, we're going to talk about the 17 diapers, mom and dad, because a lot of people are leaving out the dad. And I don't mean this in like a support the mom way. I just mean like, no, no, no. As much as I hate this bitch, I hate you as well.
00:07:59
Awaken Bake
Anyway, and I don't know these bitches. Remember how I just said literally three minutes ago, I hate that I'm going online and deeming people as evil who I've never met and who I don't know. Well, I'm about to do it, but I think this time it's OK. So let's all take a hit. Calm the fuck down because it does trigger warning involve ah family vlogging and the negative side effects and abuse that comes with that.
00:08:20
Awaken Bake
ah So I'm sorry about that cough. I've been smoking from my student glass gravity bomb. Oh, my God, you guys, that shit will fuck you up in the best way, in the most amazing way, unless you're a lightweight. Sorry, baby. You actually cannot use that. Like you can try and I'll be there to hold your hand, but I know you won't be able to clear it. And that's OK. I get like two to five rotations out of that thing for one hit, like for one like a bowl burn. I don't I don't know.
00:08:51
Awaken Bake
All right, let's move the fuck on I'm trying to talk my shit, but I'm not just here to like talk shit and be like a gossip channel I want to talk shit and I want to like maybe propose methods or a means of moving forward how this can be turned into a positive thing and then also my thoughts on like how we should consider multiple angles about this If you don't know, there's this bitch um named Nurse Hannah. I think now her name is just like her full name, which is like, I don't even fucking know and I don't care. um And I don't even know her goddamn husband's name because she just stays saying my husband, my husband, my husband. um And long story short, OK, I think that this whole situation is a good opportunity for us to use the Internet for good and to get these two babies help one baby specifically, but both babies. um It started off if you don't know, I'm going to do a really quick recap, but this is not
00:09:40
Awaken Bake
at all like the full situation. She first popped off on TikTok when she uploaded a video talking about how she had 17 dirty diapers around her house and people were really divided. The Internet was like divided between people shaming her, saying like, you know, this is a hazard. This is like a health condition or a health concern for your other child. That's just like not really being supervised, like running around on its hands and knees, like crawling around playing. um And so it could be a biohazard. And that's a totally fair thing. Some people are calling her lazy.
00:10:14
Awaken Bake
this that in the third then other people were saying hey bitch fuck you when my 17 diaper situation and it became a trend where it was my 17 diapers was this and someone would explain what was basically like their rock bottom or a really low moment or a difficult moment in motherhood for them so it became like almost a positive thing for a lot of people where they felt like they could band together but then a lot of people have this other argument that no it's just a bunch of bad moms allowing neglect to be like almost glamorized and to be like made to like almost not as serious as it truly is. Now, I am not a mother, but just this isolated incident alone, I personally was like, and I guess I don't have much of an opinion
Personal Choices and Aspirations
00:10:55
Awaken Bake
on it. I've never had a baby and I don't want to have a baby, not anytime soon.
00:10:59
Awaken Bake
Because i my husband and I were actually talking about this last night. um We were leaving a party and the people have these amazing like these kids are awesome. They're bright. They're funny. um They were like super social. And we were just saying like, Oh, wow, it's like that was awesome. Like the kids were fun. Like it was cool to be around like, you know, kids who aren sorry, who like aren't annoying.
00:11:21
Awaken Bake
um And while we were on that subject, we were talking about like, just my husband said, you know, but like, that's why we don't have kids right now, though, is because like, we still have so much that we want to do, like, for ourselves. Like, my husband loves to travel. He travels the world constantly. Like, he'll just randomly be like, I'm going to India this weekend. And I'm like, really? Like, and how like, isn't that going to take at least one to two days of travel? You're going, he's like's like, it's a long weekend. It'll be fine. Like, he's one of those people.
00:11:50
Awaken Bake
And that's amazing. Now me, my sensory issues, um I actually don't travel well at all, even in a car. So I don't travel with him nearly as much as I wish I could. However, I stopped being hard on myself about that. I'll probably get into that later. But I stopped being hard on myself about areas where I need accommodations because bitch, if you need accommodations, you need accommodations. And traveling is really fucking hard. I mean, if I don't have to do it, I'm not going to do it. We're both fine with that. Anyway, he wants to travel the world more. There are more things he wants to see. I just started pole dancing. I fucking love that shit. I just got a diagnosis this year that really made sense for me that I just feel like ever since I got it, I truly have been way more. I don't happier is not even the right word. I am functioning.
00:12:36
Awaken Bake
at a higher level than I was before. Like I feel healthier. I'm getting sick much less. I am not hating myself nearly as much. I feel like I just honestly started, not like I just started living, but I'm like, oh, life is good. I am now at the place where like I've always wanted to be and I want to experience life. I don't want to, not that having a child stops you from experience it. My point is my husband and I both said out loud, he actually brought it up. We are just not ready to be parents right now because we have so much life that we want to live that a child would not fit into for that type of schedule, right?
00:13:10
Awaken Bake
Now, there are certain people that I think maybe didn't have that conversation at all or didn't have a conversation about, do we even want to have kids? Because do we fucking like kids? Bitch, the amount of mental health issues that I have now, I would never judge somebody for their postpartum situation. I fucking get it. If I were to give birth naturally, which I kind of just don't think is a possibility for me. um I'm pretty certain my postpartum would be a goddamn bitch so the 17 diaper situation I really didn't have much of an opinion on because I was like i have I have no idea if that's neglect I have no idea if that's just normal postpartum or it's hard being a mom like I don't fucking know I'm not a mom I really didn't have much judgment until
00:13:54
Awaken Bake
the baby flinching video.
Family Vlogging Concerns
00:13:56
Awaken Bake
And then and then multiple came out um where the father is like any time the father is fucking near that baby and the hands are raised, that baby is not only flinching, looking fucking terrified, covering its face, preparing for impact. It's hard to watch. um It's yeah, I don't necessarily recommend it, but it's easy to find as well. um They don't ever actually show them hitting the baby or anything like that. I want to be super clear.
00:14:19
Awaken Bake
And this is all alleged, by the way. So if you're listening, bitch, this is all alleged. I mean, i I saw it with my own two eyes, but you are saying it's what we're seeing isn't true. So this is alleged.
00:14:32
Awaken Bake
I'm not a fucking lawyer, I don't know. But what I saw, what I allegedly, what I allegedly saw is I need to let me fucking make sense, is there were also videos of this bitch and her husband not letting their little baby eat and like swatting its hand away when it was trying to like eat some french fries and they had a bunch of food out for them and like not letting the baby eat. There's multiple videos of this actually of them having like a full meal and the baby doesn't get any or the baby gets like some lettuce. And then there's multiple videos of her like not sharing even water with the baby.
00:15:01
Awaken Bake
Um, then, then this is where I knew neglect was happening. Allegedly. This is where I thought neglect might possibly allegedly be happening based on the evidence that was presented to me on TikTok. And by her own hand, this bitch is editing, filming, editing, uploading and like writing goddamn captions for this shit. She posted all of that herself. Like nobody fucking went digging.
00:15:25
Awaken Bake
posting videos of her saying, I don't change my baby's diaper if all they did was pee. Quote, I have never done that. And then she goes on a fucking rant. Do you know how expensive diapers are? I can't believe you do that. And almost like shame somebody for changing their baby's diaper if they pee. Bitch, you know, piss is acidic and if they just fucking sit in their piss because she says she waits until they shit or until the diapers like literally leaking.
00:15:51
Awaken Bake
Bitch, by that point where it's fucking leaking, they're sitting in their own piss. They're going to get a fucking rash. Like that is not good for their skin. Do you want to sit in your own piss, you gross bitch? Not to mention fucking bragging and bragging and bragging. Let's go over my finances. Let's go over my finances. Look at how much money we make. Look at how much money we donate to the church and then pretending to be poor every time you go out to fucking eat and then bragging about my husband spends thousands of dollars on hunting equipment.
00:16:18
Awaken Bake
And like, but I see it as an investment. And then when you're in the grocery store, not grocery store, the fuck, just like a fucking like Walmart type vibe, right? I don't know what store they were at and I don't give a fuck. She's like, yeah, look how cold it is outside. It's in the negatives or some shit. She shows that her water bottle is frozen and she like, she can see her breath. She's like, if my baby doesn't have a coat. So we're here to get him a coat. Well, she didn't want to spend $35. She thought that was far too much. So she's going off like, Oh, I would never spend $35 on a coat for my baby. but Yeah, bitch, we can tell you also don't give a fuck to change your baby when he fucking goes to the bathroom. This is all alleged, but she actually posted it exactly. And I'm giving an exact fucking quote. So allegedly. So you're probably sitting here thinking, Danny, you're a crazy fucking bitch. How did you start off by saying this is a really good opportunity for the Internet?
00:17:04
Awaken Bake
and No, no, no, no. This is a good opportunity where the Internet can come in handy. Is it fucked up? Like, do family channels suck? And is it horrible that she's doing this? Yes. But it's almost like a blessing in disguise that she is posting this because now we have evidence and she can be reported so we can report these people and save these babies. Social media and family channels give me the X so badly, like if you know about the Ruby Frankie case.
00:17:28
Awaken Bake
I'm not trying to be like, I knew about her before you knew about her. That's not like, I'm sorry. That's not what I mean. I watch a lot of anti MLM, anti family vlog, just like snark shit, Loki, a lot of snark shit. I used to watch this channel called the dad challenge podcast. He got like, really weird. And he comes off like kind of scary. Like he kind of like he freaks me out. I'm i'm i'm a little bit afraid. But he used to cover this bitch all the time. Like he covered, um,
00:17:57
Awaken Bake
What 12 passengers that what i was called Ruby Frankie 12 passengers. He covered them like long before the arrest ever happened or anything like the case was ever even a thing and the incidents came to light. He has been covering her and and so he was covering like reasons about like why she's like unhygienic and like a liar and just like all this crazy shit.
00:18:16
Awaken Bake
He did talk about the abuse and everything, but I just, I was like, wow, he's been talking about it for so long. No one clearly gives a fuck. Now, of course he didn't know about the babies being duct taped and all that. I just mean like the kid not having a bed. People are like not giving their babies so food at lunch when they forget their food and they're only six years old.
00:18:33
Awaken Bake
that situation as well though while it's fucked up family channels are horrible that's so like disgusting i am almost glad that this disgusting bitch decided to post her abuse allegedly just like hannah allegedly or her alleged abuse guys i don't know how i'm supposed to legally get around this shit i just know you're supposed to say allegedly but it's like if i saw it because you posted it like the fuck I just think we could use this as an opportunity to do something, do something positive for these kids and shame on anybody who discourages action from being taken at the risk of being annoying for law enforcement or child protective services versus literally saving two babies.
00:19:10
Awaken Bake
I don't know everybody's reason also for doing this, but I saw one common like commentary channel and she was like, don't report this girl. I'm sure enough people have. And I was just thinking, so like the more reports, the better. And all I could think was like, what? You just don't want to be like annoying. And like also her husband is in law enforcement. And hey, look listen, listen, listen.
00:19:30
Awaken Bake
full transparency and my husband used to be in the military. I think there's ah a bit of a difference though between like a teenager joining the military, especially when you're a minority and they tell you like, we're going to give you a great job. We're going to give you a full ride to school. You're going to get X amount of money and meals every day. And it just seems like the best option for you to set you up. Then they manipulate these young people. I hate the system, but I don't hate the victims of the system. And that includes the young men and women that joined the military. I only said men because I was thinking of my husband specifically.
00:20:00
Awaken Bake
I don't know she didn't come out right and say that that's why I'm just saying I found it to be annoying that she was like don't report her because I'm like or do or make it impossible for this bitch to go anywhere without being ridiculed and to the point where like everyone is reporting her and like people have no choice but to really investigate is this child safe because the amount of flinching and like ducking for cover like look like it honestly gives that the kid was trying to protect itself embrace for impact.
00:20:26
Awaken Bake
Allegedly, I don't know. And maybe I'm projecting. Maybe I wish someone would have reported my dad when I was a kid for all of like just the mistreatment, because maybe I just hate to see kids be fucking abused.
00:20:42
Awaken Bake
I don't know. Call me crazy. I just feel like social media should be used for good and people are like, oh, my God, everyone's obsessed with drama. Like stop talking about the 17 diapers, talking about dumb bitches and their breakup from like this famous person or that famous person. That is like drama. But talking about like, oh, this child is being publicly abused and more and more people should report this. I just I'm like, where how did this all get like lost in translation about what is drama and what is like crime?
00:21:10
Awaken Bake
alleged Allegedly Okay, we need to take a hit and then move on to another subject because my blood pressure is gonna spike. I Just smoked some cherry pie and it was lovely. Let me know what you smoked. How are you gonna do that
Growth through Self-Care and Boundaries
00:21:24
Awaken Bake
though? I actually don't know this isn't YouTube. This is an Instagram How the fuck are you gonna tell me if you have psychic abilities send a message if not, I don't know.
00:21:34
Awaken Bake
figured out kind of brought this up earlier but I stopped trying to change and I started like accommodating from my own needs and it has just been a lifesaver like life is actually more enjoyable when I don't force myself into like uncomfortable situations by that I mean clothes whether it's just like a sensory issue or just like a what do I genuinely feel confident in kind of thing I don't care if everybody is wearing this type of outfit. Bitch, if I want to pull up to the function in sweatpants and a cute top because the sweatpants are the only thing that feels like comfortable sensory wise, but I still want to be cute and I love a cute little top, then that's what I'm going to do. Also saying no.
00:22:13
Awaken Bake
I have to shout out my brother hunter for this. When I I've been learning this year about how to really navigate my life and understand myself a lot better. Something that comes with that is me saying no to a lot more things that drain me. And that just when I say they don't serve me, I mean me going to them is going to stress me the fuck out even though I get it. It shouldn't. But guess what it will and this is not social anxiety I'm talking about.
00:22:36
Awaken Bake
if you're narrow neuro divergent, you understand like what I'm saying right now. But starting to say no, my brother Hunter has always been so confident and like, very true to himself. Bitch, if he doesn't want to go somewhere, he'll just tell you flat out, I'm not going. And I've always kind of been the opposite where I'll just say yes to shit because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. But then I put myself in situations I don't want to be in. Then not only do I not feel comfortable, I wear myself out and then I go into burnout. And it's just like, who am I doing this for?
00:23:03
Awaken Bake
What good is this doing? It's not doing good for me. It's doing good for what? Somebody who I wanted to not disappoint, but like, so what? This isn't making sense. Because here's the thing. If I don't want to disappoint them, it's probably because I think highly of them. If I think highly of them, then that probably means that I see them see them as a good person, that they have some like really good characteristics and qualities that I hold dear to my heart.
00:23:24
Awaken Bake
If that is true, they will not be angry at me if I say, I am not well mentally slash I am not mentally in a place right now where I can go to this specific event. They will not hold that over me. If they do, they're really not as close as you all thought you were. Or it's just like it's really not that deep.
00:23:43
Awaken Bake
But here's the thing, not everybody thinks this way, right? Some people really do like take that shit seriously and get really offended if you don't go to like every little thing. If you don't show up to every little thing, they don't understand like the mental health side of things. And so I used to really internalize that and think like I'm disappointing people.
00:24:00
Awaken Bake
And then I was like, well, no, like if bitches choose to be disappointed because of like me taking care of my needs, like what the fuck do you do with your life? I know you don't revolve your life around me. You actually kind of want me to revolve my life around you right now. So like, how is this fucking cool? How is this fair?
00:24:18
Awaken Bake
My brother Hunter has always been like, I don't care if the whole fucking family is going to something. If I don't want to go, I'm not fucking going or I'll go with y'all. But if I don't want to partake, I'm not partaking. And he ah he never like apologizes for it. And no one ever is mad at him. Everyone's like, fair. Yeah. why Why would you do something you don't want to do? I don't know if he's listening right now, but if you are, bro, you inspire me. Thank you for always having boundaries and respecting yourself. It inspires me to do the same. And I think that's like the main thing, too, that I'm learning from trying to, you know, allow myself to have these accommodations is like acceptance without judgment. It's so interesting when you stop apologizing for who you are. It's like, wait a minute. When I take away like that factor of guilt, I feel incredibly light, like much lighter. Suddenly I'm funnier, which is interesting because like usually if you're like super, super depressed or not mentally well, you can be very funny. Guys, it's actually possible to be fucking hilarious when you feel well.
00:25:17
Awaken Bake
Because you're like giddy about it. Like it's not this like kind of like um ah speed like a crack energy from when you're in like the depression mode. No, no, no, no, no. It's this like kind of creative, giddy, almost like instead of being slap happy high, you're like you just smoked in the morning when you woke up, wake and big high. You're on a cloud, bitch.
00:25:37
Awaken Bake
The crazy thing, though, that happens when you start accommodating for your needs is your health fucking improves because number one, yeah, your confidence is going to get better. But physically, bitch, it does something to you when you wear your body out and put it into situations that are just going to tire you.
00:25:52
Awaken Bake
I am not saying that you have to be neurodivergent to relate to what I'm saying whatsoever. The society we live in, everyone expects you to go, go, go, hustle, hustle, hustle. And like, if you want to be able to make enough money to comfortably live, then you're not going to be able to actually like use the money to live because all you're going to be doing is working, maybe sleeping, but probably not and probably not eating well.
00:26:13
Awaken Bake
that's what it feels like when I'm not making accommodations for my needs is like, even if I'm just doing like a normal schedule for someone else, that's like what it feels like for me, right? So if you can relate to this, it feels so much better when you allow yourself to not feel the judgment and not feel guilt about these accommodations, you feel so much more confident in who you are as a person, because also your health has improved. When your health has improved, it's like your brain works better, like I know we all know that, but when you feel it, you feel it, bitch. I'm really hoping to continue this and that I can like find ways to kind of explore it in other areas of my life, like really taking care of myself because I don't have anyone to impress anymore.
00:26:53
Awaken Bake
I don't know, I don't know honestly why I lived my life so long. I get it. I was in like certain industries where that's your whole thing is you're literally living to like impress other people and they're judging you and seeing if you are good enough or if you look good enough, you can do cool enough things if you fit the costume well enough, if you're likable enough.
00:27:11
Awaken Bake
I think that I just really internalize those things. And I think some people are great at shutting that off and not doing that mean clearly could not do that. beach I have no one to impress now other than like myself. You know what I mean? And the people that I love, but they don't give a fuck. They want me to be healthy and happy. I want to see how I can truly like live my life to the fullest while taking care of my own needs and really see how that affects my quality of life. Because so far so fucking good bitch.
00:27:36
Awaken Bake
And that has to do with also knowing when it's spiritually related and when it's time for science or logic to step
Mental Health Approaches
00:27:43
Awaken Bake
in. Personally, I've talked about my nightmares so many times. Remember when we checked in and I said like I was going to start medication soon for my nightmares? Well, I did and I have some updates. Now, it's only been like a week and a half. So clearly I have so much time. This is going to take like weeks and weeks to adjust.
00:28:02
Awaken Bake
I have been very hesitant to take a medication for my dreams, mostly because I'm already on medication for other stuff and i just and i take that I take every day, right? I just get nervous. Not that I would ever medicine shame someone because I so passionately and strongly believe in modern medicine and Western medicine.
00:28:23
Awaken Bake
I'm just saying I get nervous about like overdoing it with myself. I'm just like, I don't want to I don't want to be on too much. I don't know because like then what if something what if they don't mix well and then something goes wrong and I just I get nervous. I don't know. But these nightmares have affected me my whole life. And it's you know, it was about time that I did something about it. There there was a time where I thought this is a spiritual issue. I'm not going to lie.
00:28:49
Awaken Bake
And I talked about this a little bit last week, I believe, about the comment that someone left like a shitty comment saying like it's not normal for me to have these dreams and I have like nasty spirits inside of me and spiritual or happening inside of me. And I almost feel like maybe metaphorically she was right, but not in the way that she thinks like she thinks it's very literal.
00:29:11
Awaken Bake
And she was saying I was cursed. Whereas I know that could metaphorically speaking, just like represent my PTSD and how like that is like a war going on within me constantly is like my subconscious issues of like my trauma from my life thus far. I'm only 27 guys. I'm not like a 65 year old war vet, but you didn't live in my house growing up. You aren't from my hood.
00:29:35
Awaken Bake
But when you have really shitty sleep, it really does affect the quality of your life. I've talked about my dreams since the day this podcast started, and I've always avoided like getting on an actual medicine for them because anything that has to do with like my sleep in the past, it just didn't go well, like medicine wise for me.
00:29:52
Awaken Bake
And one thing that my doctor said about the current medication that I'm taking is that it's not going to be able to like fully prevent dreams from happening bad dreams from happening. It's going to stop my adrenaline from spiking and that's great. I don't need to be producing adrenaline, especially not in my sleep. You know what I mean? Everything's fine. It should be fine in your sleep. So that's good. She was just saying if the bad dreams do come, they're not going to be nearly as bad and they're going to be much more manageable.
00:30:18
Awaken Bake
I thought that the lack of dreaming would last longer than it did. I'm not going to hold you. It didn't even last two weeks. The dreams have started back up and they're not scary. They're not horrific. They give me a little bit of anxiety, but nothing that I can't manage and nothing like I don't wake up so far. I have not woken up with extreme anxiety. I think I woke up honestly with relief. I woke up and I said, Oh, nice. I actually don't have to worry about that anymore. Last night I had a dream that all of my like mentors and parental figures growing up
00:30:52
Awaken Bake
all abandoned me and said they wanted nothing to do with me. So that was triggering as fuck, but also I handled it well in the dream and it didn't end with someone like trying to unalive me. Right. So like that's also an improvement. It was like, OK, this is obviously like a sad situation, but this is something that I will handle. And apparently I can handle dream me handled that shit with such grace. I was like, what the fuck is going on?
00:31:17
Awaken Bake
And I feel like that's a really big improvement. I never thought I'd be at a place where I could even like work through any type of conflict in my dreams. People talk all the time about I had a dream and then I realized I was dreaming and then I did XYZ or then I time traveled. And I want to do that. So fucking bad. But I also have friends who have who are like, oh, I had a dream and there was conflict. But like then I solved it like I did whatever had to be done and like won the storyline. And I don't necessarily think that that's like my path because my dreams are so vivid. My husband always says I have the most vivid dreams than anyone he's ever met and like he doesn't understand how mine are so clearly like a movie like that. Like I could tell you every little detail of every little thing and they all make sense. They're not like the dreams where it's like and then a magic black hole killed us. Like that wouldn't happen in my dream. Somebody would just pull out a gun.
00:32:06
Awaken Bake
So nobody pulled out a gun in my dream. Actually, it was just my parental figures and people that I looked up to as mentors telling me that they were very disappointed in me and that I had to leave because we were. Well, it was in my dream. It was their house, but it was actually the childhood home I grew up in. So that's trippy.
00:32:22
Awaken Bake
But it, oh my God, wait, as I'm saying it out loud, why does that make so much sense? Because like of my parental figures, like letting, oh my God, having me leave as a kid. And then this is how, oh my God, oh my God. Wait, did we just have a breakthrough together at the same time? You guys are witnessing a breakthrough moment for me right now. It makes me have to piss. I think that's actually just like how much water I was drinking.
00:32:44
Awaken Bake
See, OK, but that's what I was talking about. Remember when I said you got to know when it's spiritually related or when it's time for science and like logic to step in once the science and logic stepped in with the medication? Now I'm able to actually break down like the meaning behind some of my dreams. That's fucking awesome, question mark. Allegedly, I'm just kidding.
00:33:05
Awaken Bake
I also had a kick ass therapy session today and it's so good when my therapist says something that I was already fucking thinking and I was going to bring up and I was going to actually ask my therapist, do you think that this could be the reality of the situation? But my good sister said, it seems like this is the reality of the situation. Well, she didn't say it like that, obviously, but she was just like, do you think that that she asked me, do you think this is the reality of the situation? And I said, I'm so glad you asked. Yes.
00:33:31
Awaken Bake
So that's always
Therapy and Self-Awareness
00:33:32
Awaken Bake
fun. Even when you kind of feel like life is being a roller coaster and like a little bit of a shit show, it's always nice when your therapist like agrees with you. But not in a way where I'm like manipulating my therapist. That's actually a big fear of mine is I'm always like, am I accidentally manipulating this bitch? But like, I'm not. um I wouldn't. I am not doing that. I'm just like, she agrees with me so much. And I'm like, I hope I'm not painting the picture incorrectly. But like, if I were to paint it any other way, that would be wrong. So I'm probably just right 100% of the time. It's a joke.
00:34:02
Awaken Bake
I guess that's all I have to say today a whole 35 minutes of just blabbing look this was a period rant and I can't apologize for what I said unless I mean if y'all bring something to my attention and tell me it was problematic I will say sorry my fault but for the most part I don't apologize for what I said especially about nurse Hannah okay I understand this was passionately fueled and I was talking my shit but I have been thinking this shit for well over a month now. So every phase of my cycle can't stand that bitch or her dirty husband, her dirty husband, who is the one that makes the baby flinch. Sorry for going back to that, but her dirty husband is the one that makes the baby flinch. So that's also a fucking problem.
00:34:43
Awaken Bake
Allegedly. Oh, I got to go. Thank you guys so much for listening. Um, hi just stay Just stay vibing and just stay true to yourself. Make accommodations wherever you need them. Don't feel guilty about it. Don't feel bad about it. If you want to report nurse Hannah, I didn't tell you to do it. But I think that's a cool thing to do. Also, self awareness is key. And if you struggle with self awareness, I also recommend getting a therapist. Even if you are self aware, I would get a therapist because it's just like,
00:35:08
Awaken Bake
nice to have someone bounce ideas off of you and also someone who can like bring up concepts you just simply haven't thought of. Not like it's a new angle that you're like, nah, but where where you're like, oh my god, you're so right, queen. I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Anyway, I hope you guys say hi. Love ya.