Transcript
Speaker: Welcome to Awake and Bake, an educational, high vibrational, mystical, spiritual, pot, I'm sorry, podcast, from one girl, one joint, and a journey to awaken what's inside all of us. In the words of the very wise was Khalifa. Let's roll something to get the day started. Hey guys, what's up? Um, mekals.
Speaker: uh it's been a while i am so sorry it's very funny because i believe a couple now like months ago i put out an episode about how i was so sorry to awaken because i haven't been um as motivated and i haven't been as present here for you guys and i haven't been uh creating as much and i was feeling so remotivated and ready to step back in and now here we are and
Speaker: I don't think I could say I followed through with that. I don't I think you could I think you could say I may have dropped the ball I don't know You guys you guys all know we can make is like the most divinely inspired thing Danny and I have ever done that's just the only way I can describe it is every step of the way it has been a
Speaker: divinely guided action choice that we've taken um that has just been so crystal clear from the beginning every episode that we've done it's all just aligned and been perfect and beautiful um and i'm speaking for myself uh i i haven't been like flowing like that lately like that's not how uh that's not where i'm at that's not where my mind is right now i am much more
Speaker: much more in the moment. I'm feeling like where I am, where I'm sitting is like an aggressive presentness, which is good. Hey, it's better than I'm not complaining about it. I think there's a lot of good happening from it.
Speaker: However, I have been very confused and not exactly feeling inspired to sit in front of a microphone and speak to people about ways to better themselves when I am literally questioning all of existence and everything. Everything that we talk about right now is what I'm kind of questioning. Not so much in my
Speaker: my beliefs my purpose my values my morals but like in in how that fits into the world and specifically like the fucking like future like it's been very hard for me to think about the future I posted on Instagram about it recently but like
Speaker: I have been unable to think about like, like, I'm normally a very daydreamy person. I love just fantasizing about my future. I think that's like, my most used manifestation tool is romanticism. Romanticism is a romantic, romantic, romanticizing my life. I don't know if I was trying to say a different word or not. Hey, I'm hi. Hey, visualization and like, like, those are two things that I
Speaker: lean on real hard I have always since I was a child like that has been my my calling has been like my my third eye my ability to dream and then make those things become a reality by just knowing that they are mine and trusting and just going with it and that that is something that I have always kind of relied on almost in like a bad way like like I have found that now like
Speaker: dissociation and my ability to get out of the present and daydream and what my parents would affectionately call la la land like all these these ways that I would escape um
Speaker: I now do so much more intentionally and I call it manifestation and visualization and romanticizing my life but yeah when I was a kid it was much more of an escape, a survival technique of just getting out of situations that were uncomfortable. I could just disappear into my mind and do what I had to do to just keep going because like school was so
Speaker: Hard for me and like so many situations were so difficult Some at home like I just I couldn't couldn't be in my present place. I had to just escape And so I'm kind of making up for that I think I've been I've been aggressively present And I've been wanting to talk and make these episodes, but I think really the biggest problem has been I can't like
Speaker: schedule some time to do this like I can't bring myself to
Speaker: plan to do something a day in advance or even a few hours in advance. I have to make every single decision about what I'm going to do with my time in the moment. I know part of that is being a mom. Yes, I think this is a big lesson as well as from the state of the world but also from being a mom now and like having to spend my time differently and prioritize my time differently. It's like a catalyst to a lot of different changes.
Speaker: that I've made in my life and while I've been very confused and things have been very hazy and I like cannot tell you any bigger picture I can't I can't sit here and talk about like
Speaker: anything other than myself, my situation, my experience, my perspective, me right now, I'm feeling called to share with you guys what I'm doing to, for lack of a better word, survive the times, these trying times. And so I just wanted to share a couple of yeah, a couple of those changes that I've decided that I need to make.
Speaker: First and foremost, I need to stop eat my fucking words. And to do that, I need to limit my use of the word never. See how I'm not saying never say the word never? That's how good I am at this now. I have been thinking so much about how there are so many things that I said I would never do.
Speaker: that now I do unapologetically. Some of them a little a little apologetically and I'll get into some of them. Okay, but one of them being smoking pot. I remember being in high school and distinctly saying like, I'm never gonna smoke pot like loser smoke pot and this was like probably
Speaker: freshman sophomore year I'm gonna say but then my junior year it must have been spring of my junior year I tried it I loved it and yes I'm going into the fall of my senior year I wasn't like a
Speaker: I didn't have it on me like I wasn't smoking but like my friends were so like I was often in situations I would like choose more to hang out with the friends that had weed than the ones that didn't obviously I'm not getting out with the losers just kidding just kidding you're not a loser if you don't smoke pot I'm totally totally kidding
Speaker: Um, but like, yeah, so then I remember one time being at volleyball practice and a good friend of mine came up to me and she was like, you know, I remember you saying like you would never smoke pot. Like what, why are you going against like what you said? And man, I did not have like any answer other than, you know, it's, it, it just feels good. And that truly, I, that is still my reasoning today for why I smoke weed.
Speaker: I use cannabis every day. It just feels good. It helps me. It helps me focus. It helps me broaden my mind. It helps me on every level be a better human being. And maybe someday I will live without cannabis. I don't know. I used to say I'm never not smoking weed, but I don't often use the word never anymore.
Speaker: So I'm not going to say that. Another thing I said I would never be is like a farm girly. And here I am with my chickens and thinking about getting fucking cows, like pet cows, not like killing cows. I want them to love them. I want to Highland cows or maybe like a couple of cute goats, but again, like not for slaughtering or anything like that. No, no, no, for loving. Um, and like, I'm about to be building these giant gardens. Like I have.
Speaker: something I've decided that I need to do is to provide for myself and my family and Something that I can do with my hands with what I have around me with my situation and my resources is I can fucking garden and that's what I'm doing and it's really cool and it's again something I never thought I would do and
Speaker: I also said I never thought I would be making my own baby food. I am fucking pureeing the shit out of every vegetable you can fucking think of. Carrots done. Loves them. Squash hates all of them. Spinach on the fence.
Speaker: sweet potatoes favorite thing in the world absolute number one favorite I'm sticking with vegetables before we go into fruits because I want her to have a taste of you know like the veggies before we try something sweet I just I'm trying I'm trying to do it okay there's no correct way to parent so that's what I'm doing but none of you care about that that's not what we're talking about today
Speaker: Also, this is another, this one is where I'm going to switch to the maybe more apologetically. Um, because I don't know that I feel proud about this one or what I don't, I don't know why this particular change.
Speaker: is one that I have been sort of battling to understand and that's why I haven't stepped back from the change because it's for some reason been very challenging for me.
Speaker: to kind of accept that I even made this change and so I want to keep pursuing it because I think that there might be something if I just keep pushing myself down this path of discomfort. So the thing is that I haven't been seeing my armpits. It's been since Phoebe was born I think or maybe right after Phoebe was born. So I have like long armpit hair and I don't know if it's just like the societal imprinting of my brain, the brainwashing of the world that we get that like
Speaker: I do think that women are supposed to shave their armpit. I don't know what it is, but I'm not uncomfortable with the point of being disgusted with myself or anything like that. I actually kind of think I love having the armpit hair, but I'm very self -conscious about it.
Speaker: I think of like, I remember my dad like making fun of women who had armpit hair. So like, I'm like, Oh man, like, am I going to have to like deal with like my dad making fun of me behind my back? And I know that I have to just say, fuck it, whatever. Like, it's not a big deal. I'm so sorry. You're about to hear my straw. I need to take a sip of water.
Speaker: Yeah, I've got like, I've got armpit hair now, and Cole says he loves it, but I think it's so cute, and like, that I'm still like, even in front of him, like he encourages me about it, and like he's so supportive, um, but I still feel like, I don't know, I feel like this weird like, shyness about it, and for some reason having that shyness, I think it's something that I need to be feeling, so I'm just leaning into it, and I'm not shaving my armpits, and it's
Speaker: fucking weird and it's great I love it like I don't mean that it's weird I mean it's weird the impact it's having on me how effective it's been on me um and this is another one that I'm I'm not gonna say I am apologetic for but it is one that I am truly shocked I am doing and I have been very scared to admit it to the public because I know that it is a very controversial thing
Speaker: And I have talked so much shit about this thing so much. I've been co -sleeping with Phoebe. Um, I usually put her down on her crib at the beginning of the night and then we do our thing. And then when I go into bed, she'll usually start crying around like 2, 3 AM and I'll pull her into bed and then I'll cuddle with her and we'll sleep. Um,
Speaker: nursing school when you have your pediatric classes that's one of the first thing they teach about is co -sleeping is bad and I did not do it when she was a newborn because I do still feel that that can be very unsafe um co -sleeping with a newborn who can't roll over can't do anything isn't strong enough to like sit up anything like that Phoebe is very strong like I feel comfortable with her ability to
Speaker: sleep with us and stuff also like i don't drink or anything like that so like it's not like we're going to bed and passing out drunk like i feel completely comfortable with it and i also like fucking need it i i don't know it's it's a motherly instinct i never imagined i never
Speaker: ever ever ever ever thought that this would be where I am with it like even when we moved her crib into our bedroom at six months I was like wow it's so I I can't believe that I'm doing this like this is so against everything that I thought I would want but it is exactly what I want like it is all I want is I want her in my room forever and obviously we're not gonna do it forever I will
Speaker: I'm thinking like two I don't know I'm taking it I'm taking parenting all like one step at a time so like right now this is what we're doing I don't know when it's gonna stop I don't I'm not even thinking about it why would I care about when it's gonna stop it's happening right now so like yeah I have to admit to it like
Speaker: I have to admit to it. I've been co -sleeping with my baby and it's a huge change from who I thought I was like fundamentally as a person and It's good. It's a good change. It's been really positive. It's really positively impacted me Okay The next thing and this is kind of a homework assignment for you all You all need to go and read the courage to be disliked. It is a
Speaker: an incredible book. I suggest that you listen to it. You can get the audio book on Spotify. Now they have like audio books or you can go to your library. If you use Libby, you can like download through your library card, like audio books and stuff like that and get them right to your phone. So highly recommend that. And the reason I recommend listening to it is because it's a conversation between an old wise philosopher and then a young boy.
Speaker: young man I'd say actually and it's incredible and that's inspired a lot of changes that I'm making in my life the first thing and this is kind of a trigger warning for trauma the book is based on what's called Adlerian psychology which kind of challenges all of the what we think of as like the fathers of psychology like Freud and
Speaker: I don't know, the other people, the other Germans. I think they were all pretty much German. I think even Adler was German. But Adlerian psychology's philosophy, it's kind of a mix of both, is kind of built on the principle that
Speaker: trauma it happens it does it's not a trauma denier but what matters isn't what happens to you but how you respond to it essentially so where Freudian psychology tells us that we are abused as children and so then we go on to abuse say like you know it's it's much more mathematically like if this happens to you then this will be the outcome to an extent
Speaker: Whereas at leering is much more now actually the result the what matters that is the result of what you decide to do with what happens to you. So you're abused so you take that to then push you to be super successful and go to college and prove your parents wrong or you then allow that to continue to cultivate a pattern of abuse throughout your family and everything like that you know like
Speaker: it's the choices that you make kind of falls on you more than it falls on the trauma, which is a kind of hard thing to hear and take as someone who's experienced trauma and who I don't want to say blames my trauma for a lot of who I am, but I do feel at times defined by my trauma. So this was a hard
Speaker: thing to this was a hard pill to swallow. However, it's something I'm trying to think about more. And when we read books like this, it's not to take every single fucking word for for gospel, like, like, you can believe or read or study or apply all different types of psychologies to your life, just like you can apply all different spiritualities and religions to your life.
Speaker: Just like you can apply all different types of medicines to your life. You can have all different things. So if that triggers you, and the reason that I'm saying is because it's kind of an idea that's given in the beginning, keep listening. Don't let that stop you from allowing the rest of the book to tell you what it needs to tell you. The other thing that the book has taught me is to think of my relationships as horizontal rather than vertical. So even, you know, parent -child.
Speaker: employee, employer, teacher, student. All of those we kind of give one more power than the other. Even a lot of times in our friendships we are in a power struggle even if we don't say it out loud. We're having this struggle for power and that's where a lot of conflict comes from is this
Speaker: push for wanting to have more power and that's where when we get mad or we get aggressive with people it's usually because we're feeling attacked and like our power is being taken from us so we need to then retaliate and get our power back and maybe take some of their power and it's a constant battle and so I've been trying to think of everyone around me every single interpersonal relationship that I have and
Speaker: Every connection, like I'm talking me and Phoebe, me and plants, me and my dogs, me and the horses that live across the street, me and the Amish people who I say I can't stand because they use phones and all kinds of electricity, they just don't pay for it.
Speaker: me and every single human being in this world, me and my mother, the person that I fear the most, are the same. We are all, as the book says, comrades. And I kind of love bringing back the word comrade. I think I love it. You're my comrades. We're comrades. We're fucking comrades. We're comrades. For you, we're comrades.
Speaker: I love it, it's my new favorite word. But yeah, I'm just trying to be so much more.
Speaker: balanced and remembering that we are all here doing the same thing. Like every person is trying their best to be their best. We all just have these different situations and these different set of obstacles in front of us and some have more obstacles and some have fewer obstacles but really it probably is just that some have seemingly more and seemingly less obstacles. It's not that there are more or less in anyone's plate and that kind of leads me into
Speaker: the next lesson that this book really taught me and that is the idea that your tasks are your own what you are here to do in your life are the things that you can control or it's just you that that is all we can do and we hear that in every single fucking realm of any self -help
Speaker: religious, spiritual, anything, you can only control yourself. That is all you have control of. So stop trying to complete other people's tasks for them. And the book uses the word tasks as like a verb for
Speaker: doing the things that you're responsible for. Things like taking care of yourselves. The metaphor that they used or the example that they used in the book that really, really struck this home with me was the idea of a child needing to do their homework. And the young boy and the young man in the book says, well, a parent should force their child to do their homework because they want their child to succeed and their child doesn't understand they need to do it and blah, blah, blah.
Speaker: But the philosopher suggests that instead of the parent forcing the child to do the homework, which is them forcing them to do their task, then in turn interfering with the child's task, the parent should do their tasks and then inspire the child to then take care of their own tasks.
Speaker: or allow the child to vocalize why they are feeling that they cannot do their task right now and they're feeling uncomfortable or hindered or confused or unable to be able to complete what it is they're completing and then give inspiration and motivation to have them be able to finish it or to have them be able to ask for help or ask for an extension whatever it is but instead of
Speaker: making someone do something instead of expecting people to guess what you want or guess what you need or anything. Just start being open. Start paying attention to what you're doing and if that's gonna push other people to do things. Are you living the life that inspires other people to be better, to do better? Is there something that you're frustrated with with someone in your life but you're kind of doing the same thing?
Speaker: like live live how you practice what you preach you know never preach um and so that's kind of my wrap -up of uh the courage to be disliked and then the last thing that i have been seriously uh investing my time into i mean like seriously investing my time i think i'm have like 92 hours or something and
Speaker: at least three of those sessions like eight hour sessions are falling asleep while meditating so i'll be real about that but yeah i've been at like i'm at like 92 hours let me just check before i fucking brag my ass off um but i've been i've been meditating and i've i've always been what i would call like an aspiring meditator um i've always loved it and i would do
Speaker: kind of more random, like I'm, oh, you know what? I've got five minutes and I'll sit and do one or I'll, you know, it was not what I'm doing now. It was not a real deep meditation. It was still important. It was still an incredible, like it was still beneficial. It taught me, it got me a step further to, a step closer to where I am now meditating at least once or twice a day. But it was not, it was not a real true practice.
Speaker: I now have a meditation practice. And I wanted to emphasize that because I'm not saying this for you to hear me and then be like, man, you know, I don't meditate every day and I'm not as good. I'm sharing it to say that if you meditate three times a year,
Speaker: Just keep doing that because in a few years, maybe you'll have the feeling that I had where I just was like, man, I just need to do this every day. It needs to be done every day before I close my eyes and go to bed. I need to close my eyes and meditate. And I just made it a priority. And I told Cole that it's a priority. And I got a face mask and I got headphones that are great for it. And I make sure that I do it before I go to bed. And then I found that I find myself doing it throughout the day.
Speaker: And I'll just be like, you know what, man, I need to meditate and stop. I need to do whatever, I need to put down everything I'm doing and I need to meditate. I'll feel myself kind of lose that control, kind of lose my mind. A lot of times when I'm thinking about the future is when I'm like, oh my God, I need to stop and meditate. And I did double check. I'm at 93 hours of meditation. And that is, has significantly picked up since October -ish. I probably had about 50 sessions before then.
Speaker: But now I've been meditating for, I think I'm at 140 something days straight, but I had a slight little slip up when we went to Missouri because I drove all night that night and so I didn't go to bed for over 24 hours so I didn't get to meditate and so I use this app called Insight and I got really nervous because when I messed it up I was like, oh my god, now that I'm not
Speaker: building like that number because like the app tracks that I was like man maybe now I won't be motivated to do it because that's something that I often do like what I would want to run I would run for three days and then once I'd stop or take one rest day then I'd be done and so I was like man am I gonna do that same stupid mistake again and I didn't I just was like oh whatever so now I start over and see if I can beat it
Speaker: That I know that sounds like a tiny tiny change, but I don't know it's been really been really significant for me
Speaker: It's been really significant, man. I feel like everything has been significant. Every single thing I'm feeling feels very significant in these confusing and wild ways. I don't know how to decipher it. I'm in this huge transformation of who I am as a human being and what I'm doing here as a human being.
Speaker: But I have absolutely no idea what the outcome is or where it's headed. Like I, I'm in this freaking tornado of emotions and questions and curiosities and ideas and thoughts and fucking just images of crazy. Like just, there's so much in my head all the time.
Speaker: And it's all being processed in these new ways that all these changes that I'm doing are kind of helping me to make. My perspective is broadening and I can just feel this transformation happening within me.
Speaker: On every level of my being and it's really exciting and I'm trusting it and I'm I'm good. Like it's fine. Like it's I'm You know, they say For for you to go through huge growth that things can be have to be kind of hard and so like yeah, it's it's a weird time I feel like the world is ending and
Speaker: But I'm okay. And I feel very secure in the human that I am and that I am a positive impact. Like I think that that's a big piece of it. I feel secure in my in knowing that I am I am doing
Speaker: positive. I am a positive person right now. Everything that I'm doing in regards to the big picture of the world, I am having a positive impact. And a big piece of that is because I am really recursing and pulling inward and just simply focusing within my bubble. But I'm holding down my fort, I guess is all.
Speaker: And doing so, I think it's, yeah, it's being a catalyst into a huge change.
Speaker: And I'm excited to be sharing it with you guys and have it here, have these realizations here, and be able to have this space to kind of just talk these things out. Because I'm realizing about this transformation as I'm talking here. I'm off script. I'm just rambling as I do. And if you've been here listening these past few months, a lot of these solo episodes I've done have been very
Speaker: rambly and I don't know if they're like kind of depressing I'm sorry but the world is just weird and and and Danny and I made a wake and bake for us to be able to share our experiences and my experiences are kind of weird and
Speaker: kind of gray right now and that's that's okay and I'm I'm I'm okay with it I'm not hey you know what we're here for the ride and not every every minute of it is gonna be great and so
Speaker: Okay, I'm hanging on for the brighter days. April showers bring May flowers. Let's go. Let's go. Bring it on. I'm surviving. I'm gonna be here. And you better be here with me. Stay high. Bye.
